


Beating the odds

by LioSky



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Cancer, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Major Illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-22 15:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 57
Words: 394,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6084147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LioSky/pseuds/LioSky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something was going on with Mike, and it wasn't anything good. He felt it, and Harvey had noticed it. It was not like it was the first time either. But this time it was nothing that either of them could control. As It turns out Mike is sick, really sick. He is going to need help, and a lot of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1. The beginning  
Mike was sitting at his desk just staring at the flashing computer screen. His head was pounding, but he didn’t really have the energy to do anything about the flashing. It was something wrong with the hard drive apparently. He had felt tired the last few days. Or not really tired, it was more like he was exhausted. He had felt more tired than usual the last few months actually when he thought about it. But he didn’t want to think about it, because then he would have to do something about it. Like going to a doctor. But could you do that though. He felt a bit stupid when he thought about it. Going to the doctor because he was tired. Why are you tired then? They would ask, and he would have to answer something along the way of from working nonstop for weeks. It’s not so strange to be tired from that right? He had had this discussion with himself many times now. But at the same time he was kind of scared that it actually was something else wrong with him. 

“Mike, what the hell are you doing?” 

At Harvey’s voice Mike almost fell out of his chair. He hadn’t noticed Harvey walking up to his desk. Harvey had stopped at Mike’s desk to give some files, but the guy was just sitting there, staring at his computer screen, that looked like it was broken. He wasn’t working, just sitting there. And this while Harvey was waiting for two briefs from him. He had decided to just wait him out, but Mike hadn’t noticed him. His face was kind of pale and he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked tired. Actually when Harvey thought about it Mike had been acting kind of off lately. Just the other day they had been talking and Harvey had thrown out a movie quote expecting Mike to come back with the next line from the movie. But he hadn’t, he had just looked blankly at Harvey, and not replied at all, even though Harvey knew he had seen it. And now he was just sitting here doing nothing. At his question Mike jumped in his chair and almost fell out of it in surprise. 

“Eh.. Nothing…I’m Sorry Harvey. I’m not really finished yet. I can drop them off to you later though.” He said. 

“Yeah, I can see how productive you are. Get back to work.” And with that he left. Maybe he should have asked what was going on with the kid, but he had other things to worry about at the moment. 

Mike on the other hand got back to the briefs he had been working on. He didn’t need the computer for that. It took him longer than he expected. He had a hard time focusing. His mind kept drifting off. When he had finally finished he had dropped the file of at Harvey’s office. The other man had just made some comment on how late it was before dismissing him. 

He grabbed his messenger bag and left the building heading for his bike. He was about ten minutes in to the bike ride when he started to get out of breath. It wasn’t the first time it happened. The other day he had been late because he had to stop for a few minutes to catch his breath. It felt like he had been running a marathon, and he had trouble getting enough air. What was going on? He steered onto the sidewalk and stopped next to a tree. Leaning against his bike handles with his head down he tried to take deep breaths. After a few minutes he felt that breathing was getting easier. But he still felt a little out of breath. He decided to just walk the rest of the way home. Maybe he had a cold or something. 

When he got home was even more exhausted then before. His body ached. He made a few sandwiches, too tired to cook something. After he had eaten he went to bed and was asleep in minutes. 

\- SUITS - 

Harvey came early to work the next day. He had gone for a run and felt refreshed. Donna came in a few minutes after him and they had gone through the day together. Him and Mike were working on a case involving a couple, Tomas and Karin Eklund, who ran a successful business together and now wanted to merge with another company to be able to open up an affiliated company. Now he was going through the work they had done so far. Mike had handed in the briefs late last night so he hadn’t had time to read through it yet. He did now. While he did he got more annoyed for every page. It was sloppy to say the least. This was nothing that they would be able to use. What was going on with that kid? 

“Donna, can you get Mike in here?” 

“Sure” she answered. And took up her phone and called Mike. “No, answer Harvey. He is probably not in yet.” 

“Well, can you go and check?” Harvey said absentmindedly and didn’t see Donnas glare as she passed. When she got to the associates cubicles there was no sign of Mike. When she returned to her desk she once again picked up her phone and then called Mike’s cellphone. After five signals she hang up. She stood up and went into Harvey’s office. 

“He is not at his cubicle and he is not answering his cell.” She told him. 

“He is unbelievable. Keep calling him, and get him in here.” 

\- SUITS - 

Mike woke up disorientated. He had been dreaming, but a shrill sound kept ringing, interrupting the dream. Eventually he understood that it was his phone. It was on the coffee table. It was too far away. He didn’t have the energy or the will to get up and answer. They will just have to call again he thought. He turned his head and glanced at his watch. 9:38. Shit! He was supposed to been at work ages ago. He had overslept his alarm. He sat up quickly just to fall down onto the pillows again, he had gotten dizzy and felt kind of like that he was about to throw up. He lay there breathing deeply for a while, trying to quell the nausea. After a few minutes it seemed to work, and he sat up slower this time and got out of bed. He went over to his phone and saw a few missed calls from Donny and two from Harvey. Apparently they had called him back, many times. He was in so much trouble. He got dressed as fast as he could, he still felt a bit out of it, and left his apartment. He decided against taking the bike this time since he felt unsure if he would be able to stay awake on it long enough to get to work. He hailed a cab and got in. He mumbled the address to the driver that had to ask him for it twice before he heard him. He was asleep not long after they started moving. 

When he reached his cubicle Harvey was sitting at his chair waiting for him. 

“My office.” Was all he said as soon as Mike was within hearing ranch, and got up and strode away, not waiting for him. 

“Harvey, look I’m really sorry. I slept through my alarm this morning. I didn’t mean to be this late, I swear.” Mike said as he hurried after his boss. Donny raised an eyebrow to him as he passed her desk. 

“Close the door and sit down.” Harvey said as he sat down on his chair. Mike silently did what he was told. Harvey didn’t say anything, just sat there not looking at Mike but down on his computer. Mike squirmed uncomfortably on his chair. 

“I’m sorry.” He said again, eventually after at least two minutes of silence. 

Harvey did look up at him then. He closed to computer and looked Mike in the eye until the younger man averted his gaze and looked down on his knees. 

“This is not the first time this happens this week, kid. And what the hell is up with your work? It is so sloppy the any of Louis’ minions could have written it!” he was standing up now, looking down on Mike. “It’s like we are back to the first weeks you were here, when you didn’t have a clue of what you were doing!” 

“Look Harvey, I…”

“No, I don’t want to hear it. Get out!” He turned and searched among the papers on his desk until he found the files he was looking for. He threw them in Mike’s lap. “Redo this crap, I want it back in two hours.”

Mike took the files and made it for the door. “I’m sorry Harvey, I have just been really…”

“I said I don’t want to hear it.”

Mike carefully closed the door behind him, files in hand and eyes on the floor. For some reason his eyes were tearing up. He felt so frustrated and tired. 

“Mike. Are you okay?” Donna asked him, seeing him just standing there next to her desk. But he just shook his head a bit and smiled at her. 

“Just tired.”

“So you sleeping in this morning didn’t help then?”

“Not really.”

And with that he was gone. Donna followed his slow pace towards his cubicle. Something was up with that kid. 

\- SUITS - 

It did not go well for Mike. He still felt really tired and had a hard timed concentrating. He found that he was reading the same words over and over again without noticing it. It scared him a bit. He also found himself falling asleep over and over for only seconds at the time, but it didn’t really help his reading. His two hours dead line crept closer and closer and he was not really making any progress. He was really starting to get stressed out. Harvey was going to kill him. And all he wanted to do was sleep. He only had fifteen minutes now and he was far from finished. What was he going to do? He folded his arms on the table and rested his head against them, not caring about that his fellow associates could see him. But he couldn’t fall asleep, so he kept his eyes open. He started to take some deep breaths to calm himself down. But he only got in a few before his chest started to feel restricted, and he hastily sat up, and tried to draw in deep breaths only to find he couldn’t. He had to settle for panting. This went on for a few minutes until he felt that he could take somewhat normal breaths again. He drew a hand across his face, he was sweating. He looked around him, no one had notice what was going on with him. He didn’t really know how to feel about that. On the one hand it would had been embarrassing, on the other he had just been in some real distress, and no one even looked up from their desks. What had just happened though? What was going on with him? He looked at the time on his computer screen. He had seven minutes. The good news was after that little panic attack at least he felt a bit better. He managed to continue with the files for a few more minutes until he decided that he just had to face Harvey’s yelling once more. But when he got to the man’s office he saw that it was empty. 

“Hi Donna, where is Harvey?” 

She looked up at him from behind her desk and watched him for a while. “He left for a client meeting.”

“He did? But when? Why didn’t he tell me?”

“Mike, do you seriously think that he wants to bring you along at this point? He is pissed at you.”

Mike signed. “Yeah, I know.” 

“Do you have the files?”

“Ehm… Actually they are not finished yet.” He didn’t say anything else, and wouldn’t look at her. 

“Okay.” Was all she said. Then she waited for him to continue. “How long will he be gone? Do you think I can go and finish them before he gets back?” She didn’t answer, just looked at him with one raised eyebrow. “Okay, I’ll just go and do that then.”

It took him an hour. To his relief Harvey’s office was still empty as he approach Donna’s desk. He went by her and into the office and put the files on the desk. He stopped next to Donna on his way back.

“Could you tell him I was on time with them?” 

“I will do my best.” She said and smiled at him. He just nodded without smiling back. All of a sudden he got the unexplainable urge of needing to cry again. “Thanks.” He whispered and left. He didn’t acknowledge her when she called after him. 

Donna found herself sitting at her desk looking after Mike as he disappeared in the direction of the bathrooms. She had wanted to mess with him a bit about the files, but he had had this strange sad look on his face that made her change her mind. 

\- SUITS - 

The rest of the day was a struggle for Mike. He was still exhausted. At least he was extremely grateful that Harvey hadn’t been at his office when he dropped off the files. He didn’t think he could stomach another yelling at the state that he was in. All he wanted to do was to go home and sleep. He worked for some files for Louis a couple of hours. He went to buy something for lunch but didn’t really have an appetite. He manage to avoid Harvey and Donna for most of the day. Harvey just dropped by to leave some more files for him. He didn’t say a word only left them on his desk and walked away. 

When he finally got home that evening he went straight to bed. 

During the next few days his health was not improving. He felt constantly tired, had no appetite and could still not take his bike to work. His thought was to just wait it out and see if it got better. But that didn’t seem to be happening anytime soon. Harvey also got more annoyed with him for each day that passed. He yelled at him a few times for what he called, slacking off, and for what Mike called, being too exhausted. He just couldn’t seem to stay awake. Harvey took him with him to court, where he found himself dosing off not for the first time this week, unable to keep his eyes open. He startled awake for a hard push at his shoulder, and found himself face to face with an angry-looking Harvey. And at that moment he knew it had gone too far for Harvey. He didn’t say anything until they were back at the office. 

“If you don’t get your shit together soon Mike, I will be forced to let you go. You know that. If you are not preforming as expected you don’t belong here.” 

“But Harvey I’m doing my best. I’m sorry about today. It is just that I don’t really…”

“Mike there is no excuse you can have that I would want to hear.”

“But I’m not feeling well.” Mike yelled at him, tired hearing the same thing from Harvey every time. “People get sick Harvey! And they can’t help it!” He was standing there shouting at the man. 

“Well, then get un-sick! You don’t even look that sick. If you are that sick, go to a doctor and get it on paper. If you do, you can take a few sick days. I don’t care. In fact it would actually be nice to not have to see your face for a few days.” As soon as he said that he regretted it. But Mike just stared at him with an angry look on his face. 

“You know what, I will just leave now, so you don’t have to see me.” With that he stormed out, not even acknowledging Donna as she tried to stop him. “Mike!” She got out from behind her desk and went into Harvey’s office and closed the door behind her. “Donna…” 

“No, that was way too harsh. Haven’t you noticed how he has been lately?” 

“Yeah I have. He’s an embarrassment. Yesterday in court he brought the wrong papers. The day before he fell asleep at a client meeting and today in court! I have every right to tell him off!”

“You told him you don’t want to see his face. That’s not how you tell someone off in a professional manner!”

“I’ll admit that that was not an ideal thing to say to him.  
”  
“I would say. Fix it.” With that she left and got back to her desk where she adjusted her chair so that her back was against him. He guessed that he would have to do just that before she would turn her chair back. Without another word to her he passed her on his way to look for Mike. The kid was not at his desk, and his things was already gone. He had apparently taken Harvey’s words to heart and left for the day. Mostly to be able to say to Donna that he had tried to find Mike, Harvey took the elevator downstairs. He might still be by his bike. But there was no sign of him. So Harvey went back up to his office. 

“He left already.” He told Donna. 

“Call him then.” She looked at him intently. 

“Alright, alright. I will.”

Mike didn’t answer though. 

\- SUITS - 

There had been a cab waiting outside Pearson-Hardman when Mike got out. Harvey called when he was in the car, but he didn’t answer. He didn’t want another lecture about leaving in the middle of the day. When he got home he changed clothes and went to lie down on his couch. He couldn’t relax though. Harvey’s words were ringing in his ears. Was he going to get fired? His whole body felt weird, and after the stairs up to his floor he was a bit out of breath. Maybe he just should go and see a doctor. While he was thinking in these terms he grabbed his phone, and after a few calls he managed to book an appointment for the same evening. After that he set his alarm and went to sleep. 

He slept for a few hours before he took a cab to the hospital. He had had some trouble with getting an appointment, but after he told them about his symptoms they agreed to squeeze him in for an appointment. 

He had to wait for ten minutes before he was called in. The doctor asked him a bunch of routine listened to his chest after which she told him that she wanted him to do an X-ray. While he was laying on the table he thought that he maybe should feel worried, but he just felt numb. Numb and exhausted. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sounds around him, and drifted off to sleep. A male nurse woke him up when he was finished and he felt a bit embarrassed, but the nurse reassured him that it happened all the time. 

“Hi Mike,” his doctor was waiting for him outside the examination room. “I’m going to take a look at your test result and let you know what I find as soon as possible. Go home and get some rest now.” She smiled at him and patted him gently on his arm. He stared at her hand on his arm, and suddenly felt tears coming to his eyes. He thanked her and left as soon as he could. He wasn’t sure if she noticed. He took a cab back to his place, and then did what the doctor told him. It was pretty late anyway. He felt reluctant to go back to work the next day. He thought about what Harvey had said. Some of it had been really hard to hear. The threat of being fired were always there, in his mind, floating around like a ghost. Some time ago Harvey had told him to thrust him, that he wouldn’t fire him, but now he seemed like he was prepared to take those words back. I’ll be forced to let you go. If you are not preforming as expected you don’t belong here. That hurt. He was trying so hard. Why couldn’t Harvey see that? Because he doesn’t care, was the answer his mind came up with. But he does, he has done all those things for me. But then Harvey had also said that it would be nice if he didn’t have to see his face for a few days. That really wasn’t a fair thing to say. He didn’t feel like all of this was his fault. He couldn’t help it that he got this tired. Stress was just catching up to him. But after all he was just tired, not really sick. He didn’t have any papers to prove that that was the case yet, so he guessed he would just go to work as usual tomorrow. Just maybe try to avoid Harvey. 

\- SUITS - 

The next day came too soon for Mike’s liking, but he managed to be at work on time and get some things done. He didn’t have any deadlines during the day which he was thankful for. It meant that he didn’t have to see anyone. He could just stay at his desk. And besides he didn’t think that Harvey would want him on the client meeting. Unfortunately for Mike he was mistaken. 

“If I could I would leave you here.” Harvey said in the elevator on their way down after Harvey had come and demanded that he followed him right away. “I need you to pay attention to what Rosenberg’s layers says and does, while I concentrate on him. I think he is trying to hide something.” 

Mike nodded to show that he understood. Neither of them brought up the discussion from the day before. In fact Mike decided not to bring anything up. He felt like there was a tension between them that he didn’t know how to break. So his solution was to not say anything at all. After all he didn’t want to make it worse. 

The meeting went well for both of them. Mike managed to do what Harvey wanted him too, and Harvey seemed pleased with himself. When they stepped out of the building Mike’s phone rang. He looked at the number and saw that he didn’t recognize it. He looked hesitantly at Harvey. 

“Take it.” He said and went towards a hotdog chart. 

“Yes, this is Mike Ross.” 

“Mister Ross, hi, it is Siri Pettersson, your doctor from yesterday. We have gotten your preliminary test results back.” She paused. 

“Okay.”

“Mike, I would like for you to come in and see me as soon as you can.”

“Eh.. okay. Why, was it something wrong with them?”

“I would rather talk to you in person Mike. Would you be able to come in now?”

“Really? Right now? I don’t know. I have a lot to do at work.”

“I understand that, but I think that you need to prioritize your health at this moment Mike.” 

He was not liking the direction this conversation was going, and he felt his stomach tighten with worry. I certainly couldn’t be something good when she wanted him to come right away. And the way she kept saying his name made him nervous. 

“I will be there in 30 minutes. It that okay?”

“Yes, that is really good. Just ask for me at the reception.”

“Yes, thanks.” 

“And Mike, if possible you are welcome to bring a relative or a friend.” 

“Okay. Maybe.” 

The call ended and Mike found himself standing and staring at the screen of his phone. Even after it went dark he couldn’t tear his eyes away. What just happened? This had to be bad news. They even wanted him to bring a friend. Which he wouldn’t do. Who would he even bring? Harvey? He was actually the only person he would even consider asking. But not now. No way. Not after yesterday, not after all the glares and annoyed sighs that Harvey had directed his way recently. No, he was on his own in this. Whatever this was. Now he just had to get Harvey to let him leave. One thing at the time he decided. 

Harvey was leaning against their car eating a hotdog. He was watching Mike with a look that Mike couldn’t read. He went over to him.

“Eh.. Harvey?”

“Yeah. Who was that on the phone?”

“It is kind of personal. I have to go.”

When he said that Harvey face hardened and he stood up straight. “You need to go?”

“Yeah. Is that okay? I won’t be gone that long. I just need an hour or two.”

“No.”

“Harvey, come on. I really need to go.”

“Oh, now I’m convinced. Sure go ahead and go.”

“Really?”

“No. What do you think? I need a report on what you saw at the meeting.”

“And I will give it to you after I come back, I promise. I just have to do this one thing first.” 

“Seriously Mike? What the hell is your problem lately? I thought you was turning around today, but apparently I was mistaken.”

“But, if you just let me explain.” 

“I’m not interested. I’m leaving. You go and do what the hell you have to.”

“Harvey!” He shouted after him, but he had already gotten into the car and closed the door. 

“Damn!” He rubbed his face with his hands and watched the car drive off. Then he turned away and tried to get the attention of a cab driver. 

When he got to the hospital he found himself standing outside, unable to take the few steps that were needed to get inside. He felt like if he stepped inside things were about to change drastically, and a part of him just wanted to turn around and leave. But he didn’t. 

\- SUITS -


	2. Tell?

As he stepped in between the hospital doors he kind of felt like his brain turned on a pause button. Without thinking anything more about what he was doing, or why he was here he walked up to the young girl behind the desk at the reception and announced himself, and let her know that he was looking for Dr Pettersson. He was told to sit down and wait and the doctor would be there shortly. He just sat there on an orange chair and stared blankly at a poster of a mother and child sitting in a waiting area similar to the one he was in. As he was wondering what the point of the poster was his name was called.

“Hi Mike. Nice to see you again. I’m glad that you were able to come on such short notice.”

He just nodded as she started to lead him down the hallway. They walked into a room that looked like an office. He had expected an exam room. 

“Please sit down Mike.”

He did. She sat down behind what he guessed was her desk. Behind her on the wall was the typical children drawings that you could expect in an office of a doctor, along with a poster of all the muscles of the human body. 

“Mike?” she said. And he realized that he had been a bit zooned off.

“Yeah, sorry. What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

“As I said on the phone we have your test results back now, and I have had a change to look through them. And I’m afraid that I don’t have good news for you Mike.” She paused. 

He just looked at her. His heart beating hard in his chest. 

“I’m really sorry to tell you that you have cancer.” She looked at him with a sad smile. He felt like she had punched him in the face. His eyes started to water. He started to shake his head.

“No, that can’t be right.” He whispered. 

“I’m really sorry.”

“No. No, that…I… No that can’t be right.”

“I understand this is very hard to hear Mike.” 

“Yeah… But are you sure?” He refused to believe her. It had to be a mistake. 

“I’m positive.” 

She leaned to the side and picked out some papers from a pile. She searched for the right one. She laid it on the desk in front of him. “What we are not sure about is the exact diagnose yet. Further tests need to be taken. But as you can see here, Mike, this is your results from the x-ray.” she pointed to the black and white picture that apparently was his chest. “It is really hard to see, but do you see the areas over here and here” she pointed some more. “I’m afraid that indicates tumors.” Mike just stared at the little dots on the picture. The only thing running through his brain was one single word: cancer, cancer, cancer.   
Siri Pettersson watched her patient stare down at the x-rays. Every once in a while his whole body shuddered, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was clearly fighting back tears. 

“What is that?” he asked her suddenly. He was pointing on a formation at the picture. She turned her head to better see what he was pointing at. 

“That is supposed to be there” she said in a friendly voice “this small dots and stripes you see here, however is not. These are most likely tumors.” She said as she pointed to the white little dots that she knew was the tumors. She started to explain the picture more thoroughly. Mike’s eyes never left the picture. 

“Mike, I have consulted with an oncologist and shown him your x-rays. He will be your oncologist, and we will set up an appointment for you with him as soon as possible.” She hesitated as he still hadn’t looked away from the sheet in front of him. Was he even listening? She carefully leaned forward and put her hand on his shoulder. That seemed to wake him from where ever his thoughts were. He looked at her with wide glassy eyes. “Sorry.” He mumbled. 

“It is all right. I would like to talk to you a bit more about what Dr Lundin said. Is that okay.” 

“Ehm..yeah sure.” 

He didn’t really want to hear what else she had to say. He wanted to leave. He felt like he wanted to explode. He had cancer. He had fucking cancer. He noticed that his left leg was shaking, he tried to get it to stop. It didn’t work. “Mike?” Shit! He was losing it. She was apparently waiting for him to focus on her. He forced himself to look up at her again. 

“I know this is really difficult to take in. But I’m afraid that I we have to talk about this now.”

He shook his head. “Okay” he shocked out. 

“The oncologist studied your X-rays very thoroughly Mike, and these abnormalities is at your heart.”

“My heart? What are you saying?” He almost laughed. “You are saying that I have cancer in my heart?”

“Doctor Lundin thought it was a high possibility for that. He wanted me to prepare you for this.”

“But is that even a real thing? Heart cancer.”

“Yes I’m afraid so. All though it is extremely rare, Mike. Doctor Lundin has never seen a case of his own, but he is concerned that you might have it. And your symptoms would fit into a description of heart disease.”

“Okay.” He whispered. The tears was so close now. He needed to leave now. He didn’t feel like crying in front of this woman. He felt stiff and he was freezing. He bit his tongue hard. 

“I’m really sorry Mike.” 

He nodded. He couldn’t look at her. 

“You will get through this Mike. We will just take one step at the time from now on. Okay?” She put her hand on his arm in a comforting gesture. As soon as she did a few tears escaped from Mikes eyes and trailed down his cheeks. He hastily wiped them away. Her gesture almost broke him. He wanted to break down and just cry, but he did his best to swallow it down. 

“What happens now?” he whispered and removed his arm from her reach. 

As she explained about treatments and what was about to happen next he really tried to pay attention, but found that he couldn’t. And she seemed to notice. Because she stuck a few folders in his hand and told him to go through them later. As she stood with him when he was about to leave, she gave him a note where she had written down everything he needed to know about his appointment with his oncologist the next day. He knew that she was talking but had a hard time to register it.   
He was very thankful for the note. She patted his arm and wished him well as she followed him to the exit of the hospital. He stopped at the doors. What was he supposed to do now? He knew that he probably looked like crap, because his doctor hadn’t left yet. 

“Mike, do you have someone that I can call for you? To come and pick you up.”

His mind quickly searched through the few options of people he had for that. Harvey? Would he come? But the thought left his mind as soon as it got there, and he shook his head. 

“Let me get you a cab then.” She didn’t wait for him to reply. A few minutes later the car was there and she opened the door for him, said her goodbyes and closed the door behind him. 

“Where to?” the cab driver asked. 

“Eh… I… I don’t know.” Mike stuttered. Where would he go? What should he do now? 

“Okay… Do you need a minute” The man in the front seat asked him kindly. Mike nodded and pressed his hand over his eyes for a while. Trying to wipe away a few tears again.

“You got some bad news huh?” 

“Yeah.” He sighed. He leaned forward and pressed his head against the seat in front of him. He was still shaking. He tried to take some deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, and to figure out what to do next. He should go home. But what was waiting for him there. Nothing. He didn’t want to be there alone. And then he remembered Harvey. And the meeting. Harvey wanted his report. He had to go to work. As he sat up again he decided to just follow his doctor’s advice, as he told the cab driver the address for Pearson Hardman. One step at the time.

-SUITS -

He had tried to calm himself down in the backset of the cab. The driver kept throwing worried glances back to him. He couldn’t believe it. This was the worst possible news he could have gotten. He had played through a bunch of scenarios in his head before, but nothing that he had thought of compared with this. Heart cancer. Cancer in the heart. His thoughts was interrupted by the driver. 

“You doing good back there? You are not going to puke or something?”

“No, I’m good.” 

“Cause it’s no problem. I’ll just pull over if you feel the need.” 

“No, I think I’m good.” He leaned back in the seat and rested his head to the glass. 

“Okay, that’s good. You looked about ill before. I was just worried, you know.”

“Yeah.” 

“So if you don’t mind me asking, what was the bad news?” 

Mike thought for a bit. Did he mind? “Well, actually… Have you ever heard of heart cancer?” he said eventually. 

“Oh shit! Are you kidding me?” the cab driver sounded shocked as he looked at Mike in the mirror. 

Mike found himself laughing a bit “Yeah, I really wish I was.” 

“That’s is rough man. That is some bad news.”

“Yeah… it is.” He wasn’t laughing anymore. He was trying to keep tears away. The cab driver seemed to notice. 

“I’m really sorry to hear that.” He said. 

“Thank you.” 

“No, man. I know about that cancer shit. It is no fun. Do you know what kind of treatment you getting yet?” 

“No, I just found out I have it today.”

“Oh, so you had no idea before?” The man turned around to look at him, as he waited for a green light. 

“No. Not really. I mean I have been feeling crappy for a while, but I never thought it was something like this.” The man smiled kindly to him before turning his   
attention back to the road. 

“I’m sure they will cure you.” He said. And Mike couldn’t come up with anything to say to that. He also couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. But he felt a tiny bit better after talking a bit about it. He wiped his face and told the cab driver were to stop. They were outside the office building. He stopped and Mike found himself unable to get out. He didn’t know if he was up for this right now. And he knew that he should just go home. He had the right to. He was a bit surprised when the door was opened for him, and the cab driver held his hand out for him. He took it, and got out of the car. 

He fumbled his pocket for his wallet, but as he got it out, the cab driver shook his head.

“No, man., it’s on me. I’m not going to take your money.” 

Mike just nodded at the man “thank you.” The man squeezed his shoulder, and smiled at him. And at his gesture Mike felt his eyes tearing up again. 

“Good luck man.” The driver said, and with that he turned around and left.

Mike turned and looked up at the building in front of him. He could do this. Just get through a few more hours, then he could go home, and deal with all of this. The cancer. In his heart. No, he couldn’t think about it now. He had to push it away. He took a few deep breaths and drew his hands across his face a few times, before he stepped inside the building. 

Before he had to face anyone at the office he went inside the bathroom. He couldn’t believe that this was happening. He found it impossible not to think about it. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was so unfair! What had he ever done to deserve this? He looked at his pale face in the mirror. He done the same thing a few times before. He had run to the bathroom with a feeling of panic running through him. But all those other times had been different. This was different. He couldn’t do anything about this. He looked at his watch. Harvey was waiting. But he had cancer. He tried to take a few deep breaths. Harvey was going to be pissed. He wasn’t sure if he could face Harvey being pissed at him, but he guessed that he had to try. And he had a good reason to be late. But he wasn’t sure if he would be able to tell Harvey about it yet. He would just go and see what happened. He slowly made his way towards Harvey’s office. He was trying really hard to keep his composure as he neared Donna’s desk. He almost broke down as she looked up to him and smiled. 

"Mike" she greeted him. She let her eyes wonder up and down his figure. "You okay, sweetie? You look pale." 

He found himself just staring at her. After a moment she straightened up in her seat. "Mike?" 

"Eh.. I was just..." He hesitated. He wanted to tell her. 

"What's wrong?" 

Could he tell her? What would happen if he just told her right now? She would freak out on him probably, and Harvey would know. But this was so bad, he really should let them know. But how should he start? 

"I need to tell you something Donna." 

"What is it Mike? Are you in trouble again?" 

"Yeah you could say that." And he felt tears accumulate again. Just at that moment he heard Harvey shout at him. Donna looked questioningly at him. He opened his month just as Harvey shouted again, and he felt himself flinch a bit. He shook his head at Donna and went into the man’s office. He heard her call his name, but he didn’t look back at her. He had missed his chance. 

\- SUITS -

Harvey was slowly starting to get pissed again. He was stuck in the case, and he needed Mike’s input. But he was still not there yet. He really thought that the kid had straightened up a bit today. He had done well at the meeting, and Harvey had been inclined to look past the rest that had been going on with him. The yelling he had done had worked. He had felt a bit bad after it, but the next day they both had pretended like nothing had happened. And Harvey preferred it that way. But now the kid was taking strange phone calls again, and just left even when he told him not to. And that pissed him off. He glanced at his watch. It had been one hour and 20 minutes now. He was just about to call Mike, when he saw him walking stiffly towards his office, head bent down to the floor. Donna looked up from her desk when he came closer. Harvey could tell that she was asking him something, because the kids nodded a bit and answered her, but they were talking to quietly for him to hear what they were saying.

“Get in here now!” He yelled. Mike knew he was waiting, and he still stopped to chat. As Mike walked over to his office, he saw Donna throwing Harvey a disapproving look. Mike hesitantly stopped in front of his desk. He didn’t say anything, and when Harvey looked up at his face he saw that he was a bit flushed and he wouldn’t look him in the eyes. 

“So?” Harvey said. 

“So… what?” Mike asked. He looked confused.

“So what is your take on the meeting of course? What’s with you?” 

Mike had to stop himself from flinching at his harsh tone. He swallowed a few times and closed his eyes briefly. He wished he was back in the cab. 

“Mike!”

The meeting, Harvey was asking him about the meeting. For a moment he had thought Harvey was referring to the doctor’s appointment, but then he realized it was the meeting he and Harvey went to before that. It felt like a lifetime ago. But he had to answer something. 

“The meeting… yeah… of course. I’m sorry.” 

“Well?”

What the hell was up with the kid? He was stuttering and repeating himself and explaining obvious things from the meeting. 

“Let me stop you right there,” he said “is that the best you got? That’s not useful to me Mike.” At the look on Mikes face after those words almost made him regret saying them. The kid looked heartbroken and close to tears. “Mike look, I don’t have time to deal with whatever you got going on, so can you just get yourself together and we can move on, okay?” 

“Harvey…” 

Harvey put a hand up to interrupt him. 

“Not interested.” He picked up a few files from his desk and threw them to the kid. Mike did a pathetic attempt to catch them, but one file slipped from his grasp and papers spread across floor. Harvey just shook his head and went to sit down behind his desk, ignoring Mike, who ducked down to pick the papers up. 

He had tried his best to tell Harvey what he wanted to hear about the meeting. But he couldn’t really focus and while he was talking he saw on Harvey’s expression that he wasn’t pleased. The words he had said when he interrupted him had really hurt, and he felt that he was on the edge of losing it. He was trying! Then Harvey threw files at him which he dropped on the floor. The papers flew everywhere. And he was actually grateful to be able to sink down on the floor to retrieve them, just so that he had a chance to compose himself. He heard the door to Harvey’s office open, and then Donna was next to him, helping him with the papers. She took the file from his hands and stood up and walked out of the office. He glanced at Harvey but he was looking at his computer, so he just left. 

Donna was already waiting with the file sorted out for him. She handed him it, and went to sit down by her desk. 

“What did you want to tell me Mike?” she asked him kindly. 

But he couldn’t tell her now. 

“Thank you Donna, for the files.” He said, and then hurried away. She looked after him and debated with herself on whether she should go after him or not. She stood up and walked over into Harvey’s office. He didn’t acknowledge her at first, and she coughed. 

“Yes, Donna?”

“What is going on with Mike? Something is wrong with him. And you need to fix it, or he will break in half.” 

“It’s not my job.” 

“Harvey, I know you know something is up with him, and it is bothering you.”

“No, it’s not.” 

“He was about to tell me something, but then you yelled at him and scared him.” 

“Donna, you have a point with all this?” 

“Find out what it was.” 

And with that she left his office. 

\- SUITS -

Mike sat at his desk, trying to focus on the files, and not on what had happened less than two hours ago. If he just could get through these files he could probably leave without anyone noticing. Just a few hours more. He could do that. He could do that, right? The words on the paper in front of him kept floating together. They were blurry and he blinked a few times and suddenly understood that it was tears that he was blinking away. He hadn’t even noticed. He looked around, but no one was paying attention to anyone else, and was engrossed in their own work. 

Somehow a few hours passed and he had managed to get through all the files except one that he decided to just do the next day. He hadn’t seen Harvey or Donna. 

The fact that Donna hadn’t stopped by bothered him more then he wished it had. He thought that she wouldn’t let him get away with what was bothering him. He knew that she had noticed that something wasn’t right with him, and he found himself almost desperately longing for her to come and check up on him. But she never came. And neither did Harvey, even though he hadn’t really expected him to at all. 

He left everything work-related on his desk, knowing he wouldn’t get anything done at home to night. It was still early at night, and almost every one of the other   
associates were at their desks. As he stood and gathered his things he got a few glances that he ignored. He really hoped that Harvey or Louis wouldn’t need him for something more this evening, because if they came by and saw that he wasn’t at his desk, he would be in trouble the next day. Not that he wasn’t already. Harvey was not happy with him. But he couldn’t find it in him to care at this moment. 

He caught a cab, and did his best not to think about the day’s events or the folders in his messenger bag. He was successful all the way home, but almost as soon as he put the key in the lock to his apartment he felt something crumble inside of him. He was just so tired and his emotions were all over the place. He threw his bag on the couch and practically fell down next to it. He rubbed his hands across his face and leaned his head back, and looked at the ceiling. He then opened his bag and took out the folders he had gotten from his doctor. It was a whole bunch of them, one about cancer in general, one about heart cancer and different forms you could get, and a few about different treatments and support that you could get. He tried to look through a few of them, but couldn’t continue. He guessed that they were supposed to be encouraging, but it felt fake. And all of a sudden he just felt so angry at his situation, and he took all the folders and threw them away as hard as he could, and watch them fly and spread around his living room floor. Hot angry tears ran down his cheeks, and he got up and found himself pacing around his apartment as he started to sob. At first it was not that bad, but soon he was crying really hard. He couldn’t stop. He couldn’t think. Eventually he didn’t have the energy to continue his pacing around the apartment and just sank down into a lying down position on the couch, and just let his body shake from the sobs as he buried his face into the cushions. He cried himself to sleep that night.


	3. Dealing

Mike woke up almost an hour before his alarm was set to go off. The first moments he was awake he felt confused as to why his eyes felt dry and he had headache, but then the events of the day before came crushing down on him. He had cancer! He felt as if something heavy was laying across his chest, and he wasn’t sure if it was his imagination or not. And before he could stop himself he felt his eyes tearing up. He turned in the bed and buried his face into the pillows and tried with all he had to clear his head and go back to sleep. But after a few minutes he knew that it wouldn’t work. He needed a distraction. He didn’t want to think about it. He got up and went to the bathroom and took a painkiller for the headache. He walked out into the living room and saw the brochures from his doctor laying on the floor next to the couch. He walked over and picked them up. He stood for a while with them in his hand, staring at them. “Fighting Cancer”, “Understanding cancer – Diagnose and treatment”. The words were screaming at him. He grabbed a newspaper and put the brochures underneath it. He didn’t want to see them. Not yet. He found the note from his doctor with the time and place for the appointment with his oncologist. It was at four. It was a stupid time, he would have to come up with some excuse to leave during the day. He was not going to tell them the truth. He didnt think he could do that, not yet anyway. He had come really close to tell Donna, but then Harvey had interrupted. How would she have reacted? He wasn’t really sure. And Harvey, what would he say? He had a hard time imagine what the other man would say. What do you say, really? 

He shock his head a bit and went to get dressed. He tried to think about something else. Which tie to wear? Since he had no appetite at all he just got dressed and left for work in a cab.

As soon as he got to work he took up the case files from the day before and started to go through them. He needed to keep himself busy, so he wouldn’t have time to think. He did not want to think. It actually worked pretty well, at least until Louis came. 

\- SUITS -

Harvey had been up late the night before. He had brought some work with him home. He had intended to dump it on Mike, but when he went to the kids cubical he wasn’t there. He had been thinking about calling him and asking why the hell he had left before Harvey himself did, without saying anything. But he had stopped himself. Donna was right, something was up with Mike. He had known that of course, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it, because that meant that he would have to do something about it. And that would probably mean that he should yell some at the kid and force him to tell him what his latest problem was. But somehow he didn’t want to do that. Mike had looked a bit weird, different somehow. More than usual. He had looked so upset and sad. Harvey had been thinking about that the other night. More than he cared to admit even to himself. He had to talk to Mike about what was bothering him. But he didn’t want to be too soft on the kid. That was not his thing. But they needed to have a talk. 

\- SUITS -

“I want you to get these done by noon.” Louis through a folder down on Mike’s desk, right across the paper he was proofing. Mike took it and moved it to the side. 

“I will get right on it as soon as I’m finished with this, Loius.”

“Yeah, no I don’t think so. You will do these first.”

Mike sighed and rubbed his forehead. He had a headache.

“I will have them done by lunch. Now can you please go Louis?” He didn’t want to argue. Louis apparently did though.

“You should watch your tone with me Mr. Ross. You know I have more where those files came from, I was just being nice giving you only this one.” 

Mike glared at him. “Nice? Sure, Louis. This is hours of work!” 

“Well, you better start then. If you don’t get that done by noon Mike, well who knows how long you will be here?

That was it for Mike and he stood up so violently that his chair almost fell over. “Yeah Louis, how knows?” he nearly yelled. He pushed past Louis and headed down the corridor.

“Where are you going?” Louis called after him, but he didn’t answer. He stormed to the bathroom and pushed the door open and the slammed it shut behind him. After making sure it the room was empty he leaned against the wall and tried to calm himself down. He felt so angry. He knew that it had been a good thing that he left Louis when he did. Otherwise he might have said something that he couldn’t take back later. Even though some part of him knew that if he told them what was going on they would understand. But he didn’t want to tell them. Not yet. 

He splashed water in his face in an attempt to calm himself down. He leaned against the sink while letting the cold water drop off his face. He took a few deep breaths before he left the bathroom and went back to his desk. Louis wasn’t anywhere in sight thankfully. He just wanted to be left alone. 

\- SUITS -

Mike was feeling weird. It was something wrong with him. Well, of course it was something wrong, he had cancer. But something was wrong at this moment. His chest was hurting whenever he breathed in. He started to notice it about an hour earlier, but he thought it was just some delayed reaction to stress or something. But now it was really starting to hurt. He rubbed his chest a bit in an attempt to ease the pain. It didn’t help at all. What was going on? He was starting to sweat as well, he felt really warm. He looked around to see if anyone was watching, but they weren’t. He opened his bag and fished out some pain meds he had stuffed in there earlier. He quickly took one and dry swallowed it, praying for the ache to go away. It was hard to concentrate. He stared down on the papers before him. He read a few sentences but found that he wasn’t really taking in what was written. He screwed his eyes shut and took a few deep breaths. It really was hurting now. 

“What are you doing?” It was Harvey. He quickly looked up at the man and sat straighter in his chair while he tried to scold his features to look normal. 

“Eh.. working?” he probably didn’t sound convincing and Harvey looked at him for a long moment. It looked like he was about to say something, but then he changed   
his mind. Mike couldn’t read the expression on his face. 

“Good.” He said, and turned around and walked away. Mike resisted the sudden urge to call him back. 

\- SUITS -

Harvey had gone to Mike to yell at him. It had been his intention. Maybe not to yell, but at least tell him off. He had had a visit from Louis earlier, and it had not been a pleasant conversation. Louis accused Harvey of not having his associate under control. He told him that Mike had been acting weird and had stormed away from him. He knew Mike had a hard time standing Louis but he usually never disrespected the man. But what had Harvey worried was when Louis mentioned that Mike had said something about not being here for long anyway. That got Harvey pissed. Sure Louis was not the most reliable source, but what the hell was the kid talking about? He knew better than to snap at Louis like that. Harvey had taught him better than that. And what was with not being here for long anymore. Harvey had put too much on the line for that kid to just throw it away. That led him to go and find his associate as soon as Louis left. 

He knew that something was going on with Mike, especially after the day before. But whatever it was he should be able to handle it without getting in trouble with Louis. He needed to know what was going on. Mike was sitting at his desk, unmoving staring down on some papers. He could see, even from a distance that he wasn’t reading it. He was just staring at it. The expression he wore on his face looked pained, and he was sitting stiffly in his chair. Then he suddenly screwed his eyes shut and took a few breath, all while Harvey was walking up to his desk. Mike startled a bit when he spoke, and he looked like he made an effort to appear like nothing had happened. Harvey looked at him for a long time. Something had changed in Mike. He found that he couldn’t really place what it was that was different, but he had some sort of pained, almost a hint of desperation in his eyes. And Harvey suddenly didn’t want to yell at the kid anymore. Whatever it was it could be handled some other time. For now he would give Mike some space to figure out what was going on. If things didn’t worked out he would handle it later, but he guessed that the kid had earned the right to get it together himself first. And he didn’t feel like yelling at this second anyway. 

\- SUITS -

As soon as Harvey disappeared around the corner Mike went up from his desk, grabbed his phone and went to an empty conference room. His whole chest was hurting. It was like someone had taken spiky chains and wrapped them so tight around his chest that he barely could breath. He was drawing in short breaths to make it as painless as possible. It wasn’t really working. The painkillers weren’t working either apparently. He called his doctor and when she answered he explained what was going on. She didn’t sound all that worried, which calmed Mike down a bit. Maybe this was normal? But she assured him that he shouldn’t have to be in that much pain, and that he could come in earlier than his appointment and they would help him out. For a while he thought of saying no, but then he took a breath and changed his mind. It was pretty bad, and he didn’t really see the point with hurting anymore if there were something that could be done about it. So he answered her that he would be there as soon as he could. He hadn’t finished Louis files, but he decided to take his changes with that. He couldn’t really concentrate anyway, so he left. 

When Mike stepped inside the hospital he picked up his phone from his pocket and glanced it before turning it off. He had once missed call from Harvey. He hadn’t heard it in the cab on his way over. But he didn’t really feel like talking to Harvey. He would probably just yell at him again. He didn’t need that at this moment. And besides, the pain in his chest was not getting any better and it made it hard to concentrate on anything else. The cab driver had looked at him worriedly but hadn’t said anything when he leaned heavily against the car to pay his fair. 

Standing there, waiting, in line for the reception made him aware on just how nervous he felt. This whole situation felt surreal. He was panting at this point, and didn’t even try to stop it. The lady in front of him in the line turned around suddenly with a concerned look on her face. She was bold with big earrings in shapes of triangles that almost reached her shoulders. 

“Maybe you should head to the front?” she suggested “you don’t sound all that good.” He managed a smile and made a wage gesture that he was fine, but she gently took his arm and dragged him to the front of the line, and a few minutes later Mike found himself laying down in an exam room waiting to be seen. Things were a bit blurry after that. He recognized his doctor from before who examined him and hooked him up for an IV, which she said would help. All he needed to do was relax. Apparently he had done just that, because when he woke up again, the stabbing pain in his chest had gone down to be uncomfortable but manageable.

“Hi Mike,” his doctor said, “Are you awake?” she didn’t wait for him to respond and he assumed that she knew he was awake somehow. “I would like you to meet Doctor Lundin, your oncologist.”

Mike looked towards the door were an older man with grey hair was just entering. He went straight up to Mike and grabbed his hand to shake it.

"Hi Mike, it is nice to meet you, I'm going to be your doctor. I understand that you are in quite a lot of pain at the moment. How about we see to that and then we talk?" He asked with a smile on his face. 

"Sounds good." Mike said, and just then realized that they were still holding hands. He must have grabbed on to it without thinking about it. The doctor didn't seemed faced with it at all when he hastily let go. 

Some twenty minutes later after some meds distributed by a nurse and a nap Mike felt better than he had during the whole day. Though when he first woke up he was confused and almost panicked for a moment when he didn't remember where he was. And not remembering had really scared him, even if it only took a few seconds for him to realize that he was at the hospital and was drugged up. He didn't hurt anymore, but felt a bit drowsy. 

He had just gotten up in a sitting position when dr Lundin stepped into the room again. 

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"I'm good" he started, but after a stern look of the man in front of him he continued "I mean that I feel better now." 

"Okay, that's good enough for me. Do you feel up for a trip to my office?" Mike did. Dr Lundin's office was just as Mike had pictured it with a desk and bookshelf’s full of folders and medical journals. On The Walls was pictures of what looked like tumors in different shapes and sizes, which to Mike felt a bit creepy. 

"So Mike...” The doctor began "I understand you got your primarily test result yesterday?" He continued after Mike's nod, "What you and I will discuss what the next step for you is now. I know it is a lot to take in, and just interrupt if you have questions or wish to talk more about something, okay?" 

Mike nodded again. 

"We will start with getting so much information possible about your medical history and your cancer. We will also do some more test and something called a staging, which is when we determine how your cancer is spreading. We will also decide what sort of treatment that will be suitable in your case." He paused. "Are you ready to step into this world Mike?" He asked. He was not smiling now. 

\- SUITS - 

Harvey looked at the clock again. The meeting was about to start in 15 minutes and Mike was not there yet. He was also not picking up his phone, apparently he had turned it off. He wanted to be angry at the kid, he really did. But somehow he couldn’t help but feeling a tinge of worry. He couldn’t really explain it, but he knew something was wrong. Mike probably had a reason for his behavior. But Harvey had told him to come to him if he had any problems, and he hadn’t. But now he was skipping out of meetings, disappear in the middle of the workday without telling anyone and now his phone was off. What the hell was the kid doing? Harvey had cut him some slack earlier and hadn’t yelled and everything. He thought that Mike knew that. But now he did this! The more he thought about it the angrier he felt. It was time for him to leave for the meeting now, and there were still no sign of Mike, and when he tried his phone again for the last time, it was still turned off. That was it Harvey thought as he stood up from his desk. The kid had earned himself a yelling as soon as he showed his face again. 

The meeting was a disaster. The client was unreasonable and they didn’t get anywhere in the negotiation. Harvey had more than once whished that Mike had been there to back him up. Mike could be pretty helpful when it came to dealing with emotional people, not that Harvey ever would admit that to Mike. This made Harvey in a bad mood when he got back to the office almost three hours later. As he passed the cubicles where the associates were sitting he saw Mike sitting there, looking like he was doing nothing, something in him snapped and he stormed up to him and without looking at him snapped at the kid to follow him. He didn’t look back at all but could hear Mike trailing along behind him. He didn’t say anything either. 

The two men passed Donna, who looked up at them, but didn’t say anything. Harvey stepped inside his office and waited until Mike had closed the door behind him. He chose to remain standing in front of his desk as Mike stayed close to the door. He wouldn’t meet Harvey’s eyes, instead he kept staring down at his feet. It pissed Harvey off even more.

“Where the hell were you today Mike? You missed the whole damn meeting.” He was actually pretty proud of himself that he sounded so calm. Mike didn’t answer. 

“I asked you a question.” Mike kept refusing to meet his eyes, and kept quiet. “What the hell is wrong with you? I give you chance after chance but you keep screwing everything up! How hard is it to have your damn phone on, or show up to a meeting?” He was almost yelling by now, and Mike had taken a few steps back. “Answer me!”

“What do you want me to say Harvey? I’m sorry I missed the meeting okay! But I had too, it wasn’t my fault, I was…”

“Oh it wasn’t your fault?!” Harvey interrupted. “No, it is always something else that you have no control over, things just happen with you, don’t they? Honestly Mike, when are you going to start taking responsibility for your own shit? Because I’m just about done with you at the moment.”

He stopped and watched the other man. Mike was staring at him with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth. For a few moments they just stood there and looked at each other, before Mike shock his head a bit, as if waking himself up. 

“You know what Harvey, just shut up will you?!” He suddenly yelled. “You have no idea what I’m going through, I’m dealing the best I can. I’ve been busting my ass for you, and just because I miss a meeting you yell at me and put me down.” He was breathing harshly and his face was turning red from anger. Harvey just looked at him. Mike looked like he was going to continue his yelling, but then turned around. “You don’t even stop to ask if something is wrong.” He said in almost a whisper. 

“Well, that’s not my job. My job is to…”

“Am I fired?” Mike interrupted.

”I should fire you. You have been a piss poor associate lately.” 

”But?”

”You miss one other meeting…”

“I’m fired.” 

“You are fired.” Before Mike could say anything else Harvey continued, “Get out of here, and do your crap for Louis, you are off my case.” 

Mike didn’t even look at him as he left the office. Harvey cursed to himself and sat down and let out a sigh. Damn that kid! 

\- SUITS -

Mike sat down at his desk. He felt empty. This day might just be one of the worst he ever experienced. Well, almost. The meeting with the doctor had made him feel exhausted. There had been so many questions to answer and so much information that he almost didn’t know how to handle everything. But it was like he had been on autopilot and just answered every question and nodded when it felt appropriate to do so. They had also done more tests on him, to determine different things. He didn’t want to think about it. He now also had three bottles of different pills in his messenger bag. He didn’t really know what they were for. He felt like everything was spinning out of control, like his life all of a sudden was out of reach for him. Like nothing he did would enable him to take back control. He was just along for the ride now. 

He had been eager to get back to work after almost three hours at the hospital. At least he knew what to do there and what was expected of him. But he had only been at his desk for ten minutes before Harvey showed up and had taken him to his office and had started yelling about some meeting. Mike didn’t even know what client it was, and it scared him more than anything else had that day. The one thing he was supposed to have control over! Harvey’s words had cut deep into him at first, to later cause anger in him. Then despair. What would he do if Harvey fired him? He would have nothing at all left. Nothing! But he wasn’t fired. Not yet at least.   
But Harvey didn’t want him on his case anymore. And Harvey’s job wasn’t to ask Mike if he was doing all right. That wasn’t anyone’s job. He wished it was though. He wished it more than he ever wished for something. He felt tears burning in his eyes and tried to blink them away. He didn’t want to think. He needed to distract himself before he burst. He took a few deep breaths and rubbed his eyes hard. He looked around and saw that no one really noticed him. Of course they didn’t. He surprised himself when he actually managed to focus on Louis files during the rest of the day. 

He didn’t see Harvey at all during those hours. He had wanted Harvey to come by so that they could make peace, he wanted to joke with Harvey and quote movies. He wanted something normal, something else to think about than this new world that he had just stepped into, as his doctor had said. And it really was a whole new world. He had an appointment for the next morning again. As he left the office he debated if he should stop by Harvey’s office, just to see if they could talk. If only Harvey wasn’t so pissed at him. He knew that Harvey would understand if he told him. Part of him had wanted to just blurt it out during all that yelling before, but it didn’t feel right. It somehow felt like a cheap move to through the cancer in Harvey’s face like that. But Mike wanted Harvey to know. But he didn’t know how to tell him. If he told him everything would change. It was going to be real. The cancer would then be present in every part of his life. And he didn’t want it to be that just yet. Maybe they could just talk about something else. He could make up some lie about why he missed that damn meeting. And then things would be okay between them. He needed things to be okay. But Harvey’s office was empty. He would have to wait until the next day.


	4. Support

When Mike got home that night he just collapsed on his bed. To drained to do anything else. He just lay there for a while before he managed to get up and change clothes. He didn’t bother to make something to eat. He wasn’t hungry anyway. What he did do though was to take two pills. His doctor had talked about the cancer as stepping into a new world, and he guessed that was pretty accurate. An awful new world that he would give anything not to step into. Everything had been going so well before. He and Harvey had been on great terms, and Mike felt that they had become closer. He even thought of Harvey as a friend, even though he wasn’t sure if Harvey felt the same way. After the last few days he probably didn’t. No Harvey had gone back to threatening to fire him if he didn’t get his act together. But how was he supposed to do that now. Things were only going to get worse from now on he had been told. He felt like he wanted to cry or scream or both, but he didn’t have the energy to do either. So after he brushed his teeth he went to bed and thankfully fell asleep just minutes later. That way he didn’t have to think more about everything. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had decided to leave early that night. He had given Donna the night off as well, which she happily had accepted. She had been wise enough to not say anything about the conversation he had with Mike. She probably knew that he regretted it and didn’t want it to make it worse for him. But before she left she had given him a look that clearly told him that she was expecting him to set things right. And she was right. He had to do something about Mike. He hadn’t wanted to have a fight with Mike and yell at him again. It seemed like that was all he was doing lately. And he had been angry earlier about the kid missing the meeting. But then Mike had said something about Harvey not even asking what was wrong, and that was when he knew for sure that something in fact was wrong with Mike. But of course he had to say that it wasn’t his job. He didn’t even know why he had said that. He should have just asked what it was, but at the moment he had thought it would be better to stress that Mike had screwed up by not being at the meeting. 

But what if something was wrong with Mike, maybe something had happened to him that kept him from the meeting, he actually hadn’t even asked him anything about it. But how hard was it to just call in that case? Mike thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. No, he had been right with threaten him that he would be fired. It was not like he was going to actually do it. But Mike didn’t know that, and he liked to keep it that way.   
But maybe he had been a bit harsh. Donna thought so. He would have to make it up to the kid somehow. Maybe ask him to rejoin the case he was working on. That might be a start. Harvey got up from his couch and went to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. Tomorrow he would do something about their situation. 

– SUITS –

Mike woke up from his alarm the next morning. He lay there for a moment. He didn’t feel like getting up at all. He didn’t know if he would have to energy to face Harvey again. He felt drained and had to force himself to get out of bed before he fell back to sleep. He stumble to the kitchen to find something to eat for breakfast after taking some pills. He hadn’t had anything for dinner the night before, and he should probably eat something now. He took some cereal with milk, but it grew in his mouth and he didn’t finish it. He felt worse when he thought about having to go to work. He couldn’t help but worry that thing would get even worse today. But he was even more worried about what would happen if he stayed at home. He couldn’t do that. There were so many what if-questions that popped up in his head that he almost didn’t know what to do with them all. He couldn’t really process it all. What if Harvey fired him? What would happen with him then? What if he told Harvey and he wouldn’t care? What if… No he had to stop. Think about something else Mike. But it was hard. He was scared. He didn’t want to admit it even to himself, but he was. One thought lingered back in his mind. It was always there but he didn’t want to let it out, because he was afraid that it would take over. What if he was dying?  
He got to work on time and started to work for some files for Louis. A few hours passed without Mike being interrupted. He had decided not to bother Harvey at all. He didn’t want to piss him off. Had it been just a few weeks earlier he would have done just that. But on the other hand, a few weeks earlier he didn’t know what he knew now. He couldn’t now. He didn’t really feel well at the moment. He felt anxious and scared, he didn’t know why. 

Then he looked up and saw Harvey walking towards him. He felt himself tensing, and bit his lip to not let tears rise in his eyes. Why were they even threatening to fall? But he really didn’t want Harvey to yell again. And what if he was coming to fire him now? He hadn’t done anything wrong since yesterday, had he?   
But Harvey seemed to notice how tense he was so when he got closer he held up his hands in an surrounding gesture. 

“I’m not here to fight Mike.” He said. He leaned forward and talked while he looked away towards the break room as if he saw something really interesting over there. 

“Look, Mike. I have decided to forget what happened yesterday, okay? So you are on the case again.” He glanced at Mike and silenced him before he could say anything. “Not a word. You are coming to the meeting in two hours, and I expect you to be familiar with every detail of the case by then. Understood?” This was the first time he met Mike’s eyes. 

”Thanks’ Harvey.” Mike whispered. ”About yesterday…” he hesitated. 

“It’s in the past Mike.” 

“Okay.” Mike looked down at his desk. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t Harvey just ask him what was going on with him? He most see that something was going on right? Mike wanted Harvey to ask. He wanted to tell him. He just didn’t know how. He didn’t know how Harvey would react. And Mike didn’t want Harvey to act Harvey-like. What he really wanted was for Harvey to just fix everything, just like he always did. But he guessed that he should be thankful for that Harvey had chosen to forgive him for yesterday. He was too tired to argue anyway. 

“It’s in the conference room. Two hours Mike. Don’t be late.” With that he turned around and left. Mike found himself staring at the older man’s back until he disappeared behind a corner. 

– SUITS –

Harvey thought that he had been good to Mike. It was a nice gesture from his side to offer to forget the day before. Maybe he was being too soft on the kid. Mike had after all been slacking off a lot lately and to miss a meeting was a big deal. It was not professional at all, and Mike didn’t even have a good explanation for it. That pissed Harvey off, but here he was, offering to forget it! After all he didn’t want to be arguing with Mike. They had done that already, and it had led nowhere good. Hopefully Mike would appreciate the gesture and get himself together soon. Otherwise he and the kid really needed to have that conversation about what was going on. Because he knew that it was something, he just kind of hoped that he wouldn’t have to deal with it. That he could just talk some sense into Mike and it would all be good again. 

The meeting was with a client for the case they were currently working on. The client, Conny Aspegren was there before Mike was. Not a good sign. But the kid turned up and had all the right papers with him, and sat down at the side of the table while Harvey was sitting across from Aspegren. It started out well and they had been discussing the business deal for almost forty minutes when the client suddenly held up a hand. 

“Maybe we should take a short break?” he suggested and nodded his head towards Mike. Harvey looked over what he saw made him irritated and embarrassed at the same time. Mike was resting his head in one hand that he was leaning on the table, clearly asleep. 

“Mike.” He barked. Mike didn’t even flinch. Harvey looked eyes with the client. “I apologies for this, he was…” but Aspegren interrupted before he had to figure out anything to defend Mike with. 

“It’s fine. We have all been there. How about I got and get some fresh air for a few minutes.” He smiled and got up from the table, and as he left the room fished up a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. 

“Mike!” Harvey tried again, but nothing. He swore to himself before leaned towards Mike and pushed his hand away from his face. As soon as he done it though, he kind of regretted it since Mike’s head fell forward and he hit his forehead against the glass. It woke him up though. 

”Ow!” he exclaimed while he rubbed his head. “What are you doing?”

“What am I doing?” Harvey asked calmly and watch how the realization hit Mike. He looked around and noticed that the client wasn’t there anymore. When he looked back at Harvey his eyes were wide and Harvey could see all the color leaving it. 

“Oh my god Harvey. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean to fall asleep I swear. Please don’t fire me!” He stopped himself after that and just looked at Harvey. 

“Well Mike, what the hell were you thinking? Do you know how this make us look? It’s fucking embarrassing!” 

“I know, but I didn’t mean for it to happen. I’ve just been very tired and I’m just dealing with a lot right now. Please…”

“Mike, I gave you this opportunity to show me that you are worth keeping around but after this”

“I’m sorry.” Mike whispered this time. He refused to look Harvey in the eyes and were blinking rapidly, and it surprised Harvey more then he thought it would to see   
that Mike was actually trying to not to cry right now. He was just about to handle that when they were interrupted. 

“Is this a bad time?” came another voice from the door. It was Conny Aspegren. Harvey couldn’t stop staring at Mike who didn’t say anything and kept his eyes at something on a paper. Without looking away from Mike he said:

“I believe it is. Mike?”

Mike shock his head and Harvey thought he would deny the fact that everything was fine, but he didn’t. Instead he started to apologize to their client who assured Mike it was nothing to worry about. 

“I have had days like yours as well. We are all just human.” He said. 

“Yeah, but still, I’m very sorry.” 

“Let’s just continue shall we? So we can get out of here!” He gave Mike a wide grin. 

They did continue after that. Mike was quiet and only said something when he was asked a direct question. After half an hour they were finished and Aspegren shock their hands and left. He had patted Mike’s shoulder before he stepped out and had once again reassured him that it wasn’t such a big deal to fall asleep during a meeting. Mike had tried to smile. It hadn’t worked. 

Harvey went to sit down again at the table, and waited until Mike did the same. He didn’t say anything at first, and it didn’t take long for Mike to start babbling about how sorry he was. 

– SUITS –

“I don’t care Mike.”

Mike just stared at Harvey. Why would he say that? Couldn’t he see that something was wrong with him? Mike found himself wishing intensively that Harvey would just for once actually show that he could care for once. He knew deep inside that the older man cared, but now, at this moment he wanted Harvey to show it. 

He had been so incredibly tired during the meeting that he hadn’t been able to stay awake. Then he had been awaking when Harvey pushed his hand away from his face. It had hurt a lot when he smashed his head into the surface of the table. First he had been angry, but then he realized what he had done. He was so screwed. Harvey had been nice before and looked passed his behavior, but he thought for sure that this was it now. He had to try to get Harvey on his good side and get him to give him another chance. That had been all he could think about during the rest of the meeting. He felt like he was close to crying the whole time. He couldn’t lose his   
job. What would happen then if he did? He couldn’t even think about it. But now Harvey said that he didn’t care about the excuses he was making. He was lying of course, and he suspected that Harvey knew that. But he actually didn’t seem that angry. Now Mike was just waiting for Harvey to do something. 

“I thought you wanted this Mike.” His tone was dangerously calm. 

“What? Wanted what? This job?” Harvey made a face that showed that that was exactly what he meant. “I do Harvey! I do, I really do.”

“Well your actions says otherwise Mike.” 

Mike’s heart was sinking in his chest. Among other things. It was also killing him, he thought briefly. He felt so confused. He also felt something else. Disappointment, he concluded. Harvey didn’t care after all. Didn’t he even consider that there was a reason for everything that was going on with him? Why didn’t he ask? 

“It’s not like I wanted to fall asleep Harvey.”

“No?!” Harvey stood up. ”What the hell is it that you want then Mike?” Harvey almost yelled by now. Something snapped in Mike at this point. He felt like he couldn’t do it anymore. Act all normal, like there was nothing wrong. Not when everything was wrong! He put his head in his hands. What did he want? He wanted to tell Harvey.   
And he wanted Harvey to tell him that it was okay, that everything was going to be fine. But he didn’t know how to say start. “I… I want to go home.” He ended up whispering instead. Shit, he sounded like a five-year old. He was hiding tears behind his hands now.

– SUITS –

Harvey stopped at his associates words. He wanted what? He watch the kid on the couch, hiding his face in his hands. “You want what?”

“I just want to go home now.” He said a bit louder. When Harvey stepped a bit closer, he saw that Mike was shaking. Mike hadn’t said everything he wanted to say. But he just couldn’t get himself to continue. Harvey knew something was wrong. Really wrong. But if the damn kid refused to tell him, how was he supposed to help him? He thought about putting a hand on Mike’s shoulder to comfort him, but that would mean that he would have to sit down next to him on the couch. 

“Go.” Was all he said. But then sighed at himself. That was the best he could do? He was kind of relieved that Donna wasn’t listening, she would have his ass. But he didn’t have so much time to do anything else because Mike was on his feet and on the way to the door. He whispered a ‘thank you’ and was out of the room. Harvey exhaled and sank down on a chair. He should go after him. He should make him talk. But at the same time he felt kind of annoyed. There was always something going on with Mike. They could never catch a break. He had to admit to himself that most of the times it was not Mike’s fault. But still, there were always something. He didn’t know what it could be now though. It couldn’t be anything family related, and there was nothing with work from what he knew. And Mike wasn’t dating. He was pretty sure of that. Mike would have ranted about it. But come to think about it, Mike hadn’t been ranting about anything lately. He had been quite and passive. There were no jokes, no movie quotes, no going on about how awesome he was. Instead he only spoke when spoken to and he seemed to be avoiding eye contact, now when he thought about it. Especially the last few days. Something was wrong, definitely wrong. He would wait until the next day, then he would find out.

– SUITS –

When Mike got home he sat down on his bed. He just sat there for a few minutes trying to collect his thoughts and feelings. It was not working that well at all. His thoughts were all over the places and he felt a million things at the same time. Not many of either feelings or thoughts were that positive. He started crying. He had done that a lot lately. It was kind of hard not too though. Even if he felt kind of pathetic doing it, like a little kid. His eyes fell on a portrait that stood on his night stand. It was of him and his grandmother. They were both smiling and she was hugging him. He missed her so much. She would have come with him to the hospital the next day when he started his treatment. Now he would be there alone. There were no one that would go with him. He thought back at the meeting with his doctor the day before. 

“Mike, you can get through this. With a strong support system and successful treatment you will be able to beat this. There is hope.” The doctor had said.

Mike had nodded. 

”Have you told your family yet? It is okay for a family member to accompany you to almost all of your treatments, and definitely all of our meetings.”

“Well… I…I haven’t told anyone yet.”

“Mike you really should. Maybe a parent or a sibling if you have any? If you think it is too difficult to tell all of them.”

“I don’t have any.” He had blurted out then. He wanted to change the subject. 

“Just a parent then?”

“I told you I don’t have any!” He had yelled, making the doctor push his chair back slightly. 

“Mike…”

“I don’t have a strong support system. I don’t have a system at all. There is no one! I might as well skip the whole treatment then!” he didn’t stop yelling, and he had gotten up from his seat. He was panting. 

The doctor had stood up and went over to him, and slowly put his hand on his shoulder to calm him down. He had felt embarrassed then, and dr Lundin had talked a long time about that he would do fine without that strong support system, and that he would receive excellent care at the hospital. 

Now he couldn’t stop thinking about his none-existing support systems. His grandmother had been it for him. A few years ago he also had Trevor and Jenny to turn to if he needed help. Back then he probably would have turned to them with this. But now? 

He suspected that Harvey might want to help him if he asked. But he didn’t feel a hundred percent sure. Harvey had said before that he didn’t care about Mike’s personal life. And this was certainly his personal life. He was supposed to be back at the hospital tomorrow and start his treatment. He had been advised to bring a friend with him. Right… A friend. He had plenty of those. Not. He just felt so pathetic as he laid down on his bed, went under the covers and tried to fall asleep. It wasn’t working very well. He tried for what felt like hours, but when he glanced at his phone it had only been twenty minutes. The thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone. 

He just wished it would stop. And on top of everything he was now thinking about conversation he had had with his grandmother, or the look on her face the last time he saw her, or the way she had been standing by the window looking out from behind the curtains where she thought he couldn’t see her as he left her apartment, or… No, he really had to stop. He went up and sat down on the couch and turned on the TV to try to distract himself. Eventually he fell asleep to the sound of some western movie. 

– SUITS –

Harvey went in early the next day. He was even there before Donna, an occurrence she could count one hand the times it had happened. She came in his office and tried to confront him about it, but he didn’t feel up for jokes, and after just a few word exchanged between them she sensed it and left him alone. He felt her looking at him from time to time, but choose to ignore it. He couldn’t really place the feeling he had with the whole Mike-thing. He wanted to be mad at the kid for screwing up all the time. If he had been Louis Mike would have been fired on the spot for falling asleep during a meeting. Or at least before, Louis had become softer lately. But Jessica would have fired him that was for sure. He had a meeting with Jessica after lunch, and a meeting with a client before then. That meant he would have to wait until the afternoon to talk to Mike. That gave him some time to figure out how to approach the situation. 

He found himself passing Mike’s desk a few times. It was first on the third time that Mike was actually there. He looked exhausted and didn’t even notice that Harvey was watching him. He chose to not approach him, since he didn’t really have any work-related reason of being there. Mike wasn’t due with the files he was working on until a few hours later. But the next time he found himself walking towards the associate’s cubicles he decided to say something. 

“How is it going?” Mike almost fell out of his chair, but recovered quickly. 

“Good. But I’m not finished yet.” He said and threw a worried glance at his clock. “You said I could have two hours and twenty minutes more!” 

“Yeah, don’t start to cry or anything. I was just asking how you are doing.” At Mike’s look he added “With the files.” With that he saw that Mike got a strange look on his face, if he had to guess Mike looked disappointed. 

“We are going to have a talk later.” He walked away after that. 

– SUITS –

Harvey didn’t see Mike until much later that evening. He had to go to an emergency meeting with a client after his meeting with Jessica. And Mike seemed to be avoiding him. When he got back he asked Donna to get Mike to come to his office. She told him that she hadn’t seen Mike in a while and that she didn’t think he was at the office. He just told her to keep trying to get him. 

It was quite late when Mike eventually turned up. He stood like a school boy outside a principals offices, until Donna got up from her desk and almost pushed him in front of her into his office. 

“I don’t know what is going on between the two of you” she said. “But now would be a good time to fix it. Harvey, I’m leaving. I have that thing I told you about.” 

Harvey was just about to tell her that he didn’t remember hearing about that thing, but a look at the face told him what he needed to know. He watch her leave.   
Mike wouldn’t look at him. Harvey was leaning against his desk. 

“All right Mike. I think it’s time we clear some stuff out.” He said. 

“What stuff?” Mike asked defensively. 

“Look Mike, I know that something is wrong. Are you seriously going to deny that?”

Mike looked at him for a long time before he shook his head.

”You need to tell me what’s wrong Mike, otherwise I won’t be able to help you!” 

To Harvey’s surprise when Mike turned around it was tears in his eyes. 

“Kid…” He said softly, and watched Mikes body shake a bit at the word. He went and sat down on the couch and mentioned for Mike to do the same. He stood for a while staring at Harvey, then glancing towards the door as if he was deciding whether or not to leave. Harvey decided not to push him any further. The kid looked so   
broken, now when he took a closer look at him. He had never seen him like this before, not even when his grandmother died. His face was sunken in and his eyes were wide and a bit red. It was time to put an end to this now, whatever it was Mike was going to tell him now. 

“I’m not mad at you.” He said kindly. “Just tell me.”

– SUITS –

Mike felt himself shaking. Harvey was sitting there on the couch just watching him, not saying anything else. He glanced at the door torn between finally explaining everything and leaving just to avoid it. If he were to start talking about it he felt that he would break down. He wasn’t sure if he could do that. What he was most afraid of was the way Harvey would react. A part of him just wanted to break down and have someone comfort him. He would prefer it to be someone else then Harvey. His grandmother. He needed her. He didn’t think that he had ever missed her this much before since she died. The thought of her made the situation worse. And he blinked furiously to keep the tears at bay. Harvey was still just waiting for him on the couch, and when he met the man’s eyes he saw something in them that made him make up his mind. It was time to tell Harvey. 

“Okay…” he started but had to stop when his voice was shaking too much. He sank down on the couch next to Harvey. “Eh... Well, I haven’t been feeling well lately   
Harvey. I told you, remember?” Harvey nodded, so he continued. “You said that I needed to get it on paper, so I did. I went to a doctor. And they did a bunch of test on me. Like a lot of them. And then the next day they called me.” He paused and drew a deep breath. “They had my test results then.”

“Your personal thing?” Harvey asked, and Mike nodded and then continued. 

“They were… They said that I had to come there and they said that I should bring someone with me and then I knew…” He paused for a while and drew a few deep breaths. He didn’t look up at Harvey, and the other man didn’t say anything. 

“Anyway, I went there and… and they told me.”

“Told you what?”

Mike swallowed thickly. This was it. It was no going back after this. 

“That I have cancer in my heart.” Harvey just stared at him, but then he said something that at the moment almost made Mike breaking down right then and there. 

– SUITS –

“Are kidding me? Is this some sort of sick joke for your side Mike, because if it is…” but then he saw the expression on Mike’s face. “Oh my god Mike, you are not kidding.” Harvey rubbed his face, and then looked back at Mike.

“No, Harvey I swear I’m not kidding. Harvey please… I… I have it on paper.” 

Harvey held up a hand to stop him. He nodded and looked down on his hands to collect his thoughts. He knew that Mike was watching his every move. This was so much worse than he had ever thought. He hadn’t even considered for a second that it might be something physically wrong with Mike. If it had been something that Mike had done, or something that had been done to him Harvey would have known how to deal with it. But this! 

“Harvey…” 

Right, he should react in some way. 

“Yeah kid. Shit…” He signed. ”Mike, I am so sorry.” 

Mike didn’t say anything. He just looked out of the window. 

“Heart cancer? Is that even a real thing?” Mike laughed a bit at that. 

“Yeah. That was my first thought as well. But yeah, it is.” 

“Wow… well, that’s a fucking big problem Mike.” Mike nodded. “And you have known about it this whole week?” and other nod. “You could have come to me Mike.” He   
said softly, trying to meet the others gaze. When Mike didn’t look at him he reached out and put a hand on Mikes arm. Mike didn’t move at all, just looked at his hand. 

“You were so angry, and I just…” he didn’t continue, but Harvey understood that he was fighting against tears. 

“I was an ass. I’m sorry.” 

Mike looked up at him and smiled while a tear trailed down his cheek. 

“That’s a first. You apologizing for being an ass.” Harvey didn’t think it was funny. 

“I yelled at you, I told you I was done with you! Shit!” Harvey shocked Mike by hiding his face in his hands. He didn’t know what to do or say, so he just waited. 

“Shit kid! I don’t even know what to say Mike. I am so sorry this happen you.” This time he reach out and put a hand on Mike shoulder. It was like he pushed a button   
because as soon as he touched him Mike let out a chocked sob. Harvey watched as he struggled with his emotions. He was biting his lips repeatedly and blinking rapidly. Soon tears started to leak over his eyelashes and trace down his face as he blinked hard. He didn’t move at all and Harvey felt how tense he was under his hand. 

“It’s okay.” He found himself saying, and squeezed harder. Mike shook his head and a few teardrops hit Harvey’s hand. 

“It will be.” At that Mike clasped his hand over Harvey’s that was still on his shoulder and with the other he roughly tried to dry his tears, something that was pointless   
since new once kept coming. Harvey felt how his nails were digging into his hand as he was trying to keep it there on his shoulder. Like he needed the confirmation that Harvey was holding on to him. He didn’t do anything about it at all, even when it was staring to get really painful. He himself just held on harder on Mike as he cried. After a few moments he gave up the struggle of trying to stop crying. He was barely making any sound, just the sharp intakes of air. He was shaking.

They sat there for what felt like a long time to both of them. Neither of them spoke. Harvey was trying to process what was going on. Mike had cancer! He had cancer in his heart! The first thing he asked himself was the question of how do you survive heart cancer? Was Mike dying now? What should he do? What should he say? What do you say to someone who has cancer? What could he do to help? He had to fix this! Could he fix this? At least now he knew what had been going on with Mike. He was struggling with a deadly disease and at the same time he was being yelled at and accused of doing a piss poor job. He felt terrible! Not just for the fact that Mike had cancer, but also maybe just as much for how he had been treating Mike. He had known that something was wrong, but he had done nothing. And now Mike was dying. His associate! His friend. No that was not going to happen. Not if he had a say in it. 

“Oh kid. Hey… Hey it’s okay Mike. It’s going to be okay. You will get through this. We will.” He murmured as he moved a bit closer to Mike on the couch. 

“Har-Harvey…” Mike whimpered and let out a few louder sobs, before he was able to control them again. 

“Yeah…” he whispered, removed his hand from Mike’s shoulder and opted to put it around his back in a halfway hug. Mike stiffened for a moment, but after a while 

Harvey felt him leaning a bit against him. They sat like that until Mike’s sobs turned into occasional shuddering breaths and the tears stopped streaming. He was staring at the table in front of him. Harvey slowly released him and went out of his office to Donna’s desk, where he soon found what he was looking for. He put the tissues down in front of Mike on the table. 

“Thanks.” He said as he grabbed a few and brought them to his face. 

“How do I look?” He asked as he looked up at Harvey and made a mad attempt at smiling. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was puffy and red from all the crying.   
Harvey raised his eyebrow. 

“Do you really want me to answer that question?” he said. Mike shock his head and managed a real smile. 

Harvey sat down on the table in front of him. 

“How about we head over to my place? You can sleep on the couch tonight. Would you like that?”

“Yeah… Yeah I would like that.” Mike answered after a while when they both looked into each other’s eyes. 

“Okay. We can talk more later. Let’s go kid.” Harvey extended a hand and pulled Mike up on his feet and together they made their way out of the office.


	5. The night after

They didn’t really speak in the elevator on their way down. Neither of them knowing what to say. Mike looked exhausted with his red eyes blankly staring straight ahead. Harvey was keeping a close eye on him, but he didn’t seem to notice, which was out of character for him but still understandable. Not even when Harvey steered him towards a cab and put him inside of it did he react other than giving Harvey a confused look. Harvey got in after him and told the driver his address.   
He was about to start a conversation with Mike and turned towards him. But Mike was obviously sleeping just minutes after they left the curb, his head against the window and his mouth slightly opened. It didn’t look comfortable. Harvey sighed to himself and looked out the window as they passed through the city. Everything was changed now he thought. Nothing would be the same after this. He looked back at Mike and felt a sudden surge of fear. He couldn’t lose him. But then he decided to not get ahead of himself. He didn’t have all the facts yet. He hauled out his phone and opened a new search window. Did he really want to do this? His finger shock slightly as he typed in the words heart cancer. 

The first he found was a bunch of sites that were discussing if heart cancer was a thing or not. Apparently it was, though it was rare. He read a short text from a health site about the different symptoms and treatments that could be applied to manage these symptoms. Manage was all it said. What about cure? 

“Excuse me sir, we are here.” The cab driver interrupted. He hadn’t even noticed that they had come to a halt. He paid the driver and called Mike’s name. He then got out and stood and waited a while before he realized that Mike probably hadn’t woken. He went around the car and opened the door. He had been right, the kid was still asleep and didn’t even wake when the door he had been leaning against disappeared. He was hanging from the seatbelt. 

“Mike.” Nothing. 

“Mike, hey wake up.” Harvey carefully shock his arm. That worked and Mike straightened up and wiped him mouth with his arm. He had apparently been drooling a bit. He looked around and when he saw Harvey his face converted into an emotion that Harvey couldn’t read. He didn’t say anything, just slowly got out of the car.   
When they got inside the condo Harvey left Mike standing in the hallway looking lost as he went inside and dropped off their things, before he returned to Mike. 

“Come on, why don’t you go and sit down for a bit?” he suggested and Mike followed him to the living room where he sat down on the couch. 

– SUITS –

Mike felt empty. He was aware that he was on Harvey’s couch. He had told him. It was no going back now. Harvey knew. It had felt both good and at the same time terrible to tell him. For a few moments he had felt absolutely terrified when Harvey hadn’t believed him at first. So many different and desperate thoughts had rushed through his head at that point and he had felt like he was going to have a nervous breakdown. And then he actually had. Because as soon as he felt Harvey’s comforting hand on his shoulder his dam broke. He couldn’t hold back anymore no matter how hard he tried. He didn’t want to cry in front of Harvey. But he had.   
He had finally told him. He also felt relieved. It was a relief to not to have to keep it hidden anymore, it was a relief that someone else finally knew. He didn’t have to carry it alone anymore. And what was the most relieving was the way Harvey had reacted. It was just the way he had secretly had hoped he would react. But he still found himself clasping Harvey’s hand on his shoulder. He didn’t want Harvey to let go. And he hadn’t! He held on as Mike lost it and just sat there as Mike cried and humiliated himself. But at that point he didn’t care anymore. It had felt kind of good to just let it all out. Now he only felt embarrassed and exhausted. 

Harvey sat down next to him on the couch and leaned back a bit. He had all of his attention directed towards Mike, who tiredly met his gaze. Harvey uncharacteristically seemed to hesitate for a bit, maybe not sure on how to start, or what to say. Not that Mike could blame him. He didn’t know what to say either. 

“You were at the hospital today?” he started eventually. 

Mike nodded. 

“And?” Harvey asked. “What happened? What did you do?”

“I started treatment.” 

“Oh well Mike, don’t stop there. Tell me what it is about? What kind of treatment are you getting? What are your doctors saying?”

“Harvey… Look, can we not do this now?” Mike pleaded. He didn’t want to go in to details. He didn’t want to answer Harvey’s questions about treatments and stuff   
that he for sure was going to ask. He just wanted to go to sleep and not think anymore. He felt like once again he was close to tears, and he did not want to cry in front of Harvey again. Once on one evening was enough. Hell, it was enough for ever. It was just so embarrassing. Crying in front of his boss. But he felt like if Harvey got him to talk about everything now, he would lose it again. He just hoped Harvey would let it go. 

He didn’t, of course. “No, Mike. We are going to do this now. You have kept this from me for days now, so I think it’s about time we talk about it now.”

“I’m really tired Harvey.” 

“Yeah, I get that. But I think you can manage. Come on, what are they saying?”

“What do you think they are saying?” Mike felt anger blossom up in him. Why couldn’t he just leave it alone? “It’s nothing good. How can it be? I have cancer in my heart!” He almost screamed the last part. 

“Calm down Mike.” Harvey said with a quiet but sharp voice. Mike let out a shaky breath and fell back down in the couch. He felt his eyes water. He felt as if his emotions was all over the place. 

“I’m tired.” He repeated. 

Harvey just looked at him for a while. He didn’t say anything. Then he got up from the couch and stood in front of Mike. 

“Okay. I get that you are tired. We will do this tomorrow. I’ll get you something to sleep in.” 

Mike watched him walk away. He then buried his face in his hands, when he removed them they came back a bit wet. He had to get a grip of himself. Harvey came back with a t-shirt and some sweatpants that he threw on Mike. Under his arm he had some sheets and a cover.

“Get up. Go change.” He said. 

When Mike got back, the sofa was made and Harvey was nowhere to be seen. He thought for a moment to go and look for him. Maybe they could just sit down for a while in the kitchen and just grab a sandwich and some beer and talk for a while. About something else. But he wasn’t really that hungry, even though that he hadn’t had any dinner. And he probably couldn’t drink beer anymore. Better not do that then. But Harvey wasn’t even there. He apparently didn’t want to talk. Was he angry about Mike not telling him about the cancer earlier? Was he angry that he didn’t want to talk? 

Mike sat down on the couch and then curled in under the covers. He felt a little queasy. Was it side effects? They had told him that it was likely that he would feel some effects of the treatment from earlier that day. They had also given him some pills against nausea and pain. It was supposed to work, right? He closed his eyes and tried to think of nothing at all. It was incredibly hard. It was like millions of thoughts just welled up all of them at the same time, and he couldn’t really concentrate on any of them. A lot of them were about Harvey though, and the fact that he was sleeping on his couch. He couldn’t hear any sound indicating what Harvey was doing. Did he go to bed too? Why didn’t he come and said good night at least? Or, what was he thinking? It was not really Harvey’s stile. But he had told him about the cancer, at least he could say something, right? Ask if he was okay? But he hadn’t. He had just ordered him away as usual. Didn’t Harvey think that things had changed a bit now, with him being sick and all? He found himself feeling disappointed, and then thought that he was weird for obsessing more about   
Harvey’s actions than the fact that he was sick. 

After a while, and no signs of Harvey, he drifted off to sleep. 

He woke up just a few hours later. For a moment he didn’t know where he was, but then he realized that he was on Harvey’s couch. He didn’t know what had woken him at first. What he did know was that he had a pretty bad headache. As he laid there he started to feel a bit queasy. Was he going to throw up? Yep. He stumbled up from the couch, he felt a bit dizzy, a bit like the floor was moving around, or maybe like he was drunk. But he did his best to ignore it due to the fact that he really needed to find the bathroom. When he got inside it he immediately dropped down on his knees next to the toilet. He barely had time to open the lid before it came. He really hated the feeling of throwing up. The way it tasted and the way he got it in his nose as well making him feel even worse from the smell of it. He continued heaving repeatedly. When it stopped he groaned and leaned back away from the seat, but then suddenly it came up again and he didn’t have time to turn back to the toilet and some vomit ended up on the floor. That’s when Harvey came. 

– SUITS –

Harvey woke suddenly. What the hell had woken him up? He was confused for a second before he remembered. Mike! Mike was on his coach. Mike, who had told him yesterday that he had cancer in his heart. Mike, who had looked at him with unshed tears in his eyes and had looked so grateful when he had asked him to stay on his couch. He quickly got up from his bed and went to check on the kid. He found him in the bathroom. Mike was leaning over the toilet, clutching it desperately while he was throwing up. Apparently he had been in a hurry and hadn’t quite reached all the way to the stool as it was vomit on the floor. Harvey didn’t know what to do. He felt quite uncomfortable and grossed out. He had never really found himself in this situation before. He didn’t deal with sick people. But he realized that things were about to change from now on.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked Mike’s back. His question startled Mike who jerked, but didn’t turn away from the toilet. He made a moaning sound, and Harvey decided to just wait until he was done. He just stood there awkwardly and waited while Mike was sick. It took a few minutes until he was done. It left him panting and spitting in the bowl. Harvey went and got him a glass of water that he accepted with shaking hands. Neither of them said anything until Mike had finished the glass of water. 

“I’m sorry.” Mike said. “I’m sorry Harvey. I didn’t mean to…” he stopped and gestured towards the floor. 

“Yeah, right.” Harvey said and left the room to go and get cleaning supplies. When he came back Mike was sitting on the floor leaning against the wall. He had his knees drawn up and his face was hidden in his hands. When he heard Harvey entering he looked up at him, and Harvey could see even in the dim light that his eyes were red and his cheeks were flushed. He looked worried. 

“I thought…” he said, but didn’t continue. 

“You thought what?” Harvey said and started filling a bucket with water. 

Mike made a move to get up from the floor, but clumsily fell back down again. 

“I can do that.” He said, pointing at the cleaning supplies. 

“You can’t even get up from the floor. Go back to bed Mike.”

“But…”

“It’s okay. I’ll take care of it.” 

“Okay.” 

“Go.” 

“Okay.”

“Mike. Now.” 

Mike made another attempt to get up which succeeded this time and he shakily passed him on his way back to the couch. As soon as he left Harvey started to clean up. It only took him a few minutes and he made his way out to the living room. Mike was curled up on the couch with his back against the room. Harvey could hear on his breathing that he still was awake. He was a bit uncomfortable on how to proceed. He cleared his throat to let Mike know that he was there. Mike didn’t move from his position or acknowledge him in any way. 

“You okay now?” he asked. Mike turned around slowly and laid on his back to be able to look at Harvey.

“I think so.” He said. ”Look Harvey, I’m really sorry about that. I think… It is probably side effects. I think it was it though. I’m sorry I woke you.” 

Harvey interrupted him. ”Okay it’s enough. I get it. You good to go back to sleep now?” 

“Yeah I think so.” Mike whispered. He wouldn’t meet Harvey’s eyes. Harvey slowly sat down on the chair across from the couch. It made Mike look at him with confusion. Harvey didn’t say anything, just sank further down in the chair and made himself comfortable. Mike watched him, and Harvey could see in the dim light how his eyes became shiny, as if he was about to start to cry again. And maybe he was. Harvey couldn’t really blame him, the kid was going through a hell of a lot right now, both physically and emotionally. And it was the least he could do, to offer him some company, just after he had gotten sick. He half expected Mike to start babbling again, but he didn’t. He watched close his eyes and take in some deep breaths, as to calm himself down. He continued with breathing like that for a few minutes, and Harvey noticed that every once in a while his eyes would flicker open and he would look at Harvey on the chair, before closing his eyes again. 

”Are you mad at me?” The question was whispered, and Mike didn’t meet his eyes. 

“What? No, I’m not mad at you.” He answered. “Just go back to sleep.”

Mike just nodded and closed his eyes. Eventually his breathing evened out and he was asleep. But Harvey couldn’t get himself to get up and leave just yet. He sat there for a while and just watched the kid sleep. He looked normal, Mike. If you looked at him where he was lightly snoring on Harvey’s couch, you couldn’t tell that something truly terrible was growing inside of him. Mike had cancer. He couldn’t really grasp it. He never knew anyone personally that had cancer. What where they supposed to do now? He didn’t know anything about it. But people died from cancer right? And cancer to the heart sounded really bad. No, it was no need to think like   
that yet. He really needed to get some information. He sighed. Normally he would have ordered Mike to get it for him. That didn’t seem appropriate at the moment.

He didn’t know for how long he sat there, watching as Mike was sleeping. But eventually he forced himself up and went back to his own bed. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mike though. He also couldn’t stop thinking about the last couple of weeks, especially the last few days. He should have done something earlier. He had known that something was wrong! But he had just swept it under the rug because he didn’t want to deal with whatever crap Mike had going on. But this was so different from everything he had imagined. He really should have acted. And the way he had been treating, the things he had said. All the while Mike was struggling with the knowledge that he was sick. But why didn’t Mike come to him? Why hadn’t he spoken up when Harvey was yelling at him for some stupid shit? Hey, can you stop yelling? I have cancer. It would have stopped him. Certainly. But Mike hadn’t done that and Harvey couldn’t understand why. 

It took a long time for him to go back to sleep. But he didn’t get to sleep until morning. 

– SUITS –

The second he woke up he knew something was wrong. He glanced over to the side to the chair Harvey had been sitting when he fell asleep. It was empty. He had apparently left. But Mike had been surprised that he hadn’t left before. He had stayed until he fell asleep. He had been very grateful for that. It had felt really nice that he didn’t have to be alone. It had not been a pleasant experience, all that throwing up. He had tried to be quiet, but Harvey had woken up. Mike had felt both embarrassed and a bit scared when he heard Harvey in the doorway. But he was kind of busy so he couldn’t really do anything about it. But when he was finished Harvey had stood there and offered him a glass of water. He hadn’t felt like drinking it, but had done it anyway. That was when he saw the vomit on the floor. Oh no! It was not good. Ha started to apologize but Harvey had just left. Mike had no idea why. Was he mad? Why would he just leave like that? Was he coming back or not? It took a while and he had convinced himself that Harvey now was pissed off at him. He felt like he really should do something about that. But he felt so sick and dizzy, so he had ended up just sitting there. But then Harvey came back! Ha had brought stuff to clean with. Mike really should do that though. But when he tried to get up, he couldn’t. The room was spinning and he had fallen back down. It had scared him. 

Then Harvey had told him to leave. But he had felt so bad. He had wanted to stay in the bathroom. It was probably safer. But Harvey had sounded like he didn’t want Mike to argue, so he had managed to get up and go back to the couch. He didn’t tell Harvey how much the room had been spinning or how hard it had been to walk straight, when he asked if he was okay. Maybe he should have. Maybe Harvey would have stayed longer then? He had said that he wasn’t mad. Right now he really whished he was here. 

He suddenly felt very nauseous again, and knew that he needed to get to the bathroom right at this moment. He clumsily got up from the couch and stumbled a few step, but then realized that he never would make it. And before he knew it he was throwing up on Harvey’s living room floor. Shit! Harvey was going to kill him now! It was all he could think of. How angry Harvey would be now. He would throw him out that was for sure. He would have to take a cab home. How would he even get down to the street? Everything was really spinning. He was so dizzy. It felt like the floor was moving under him where he was on his hands and knees. He couldn’t remember a time where he ever felt this bad before! 

He didn’t know how long he stayed like that on the floor. He really wanted to lay down, but that would mean that he would have to move, and that seemed impossible. It felt almost okay if he stayed still, but as soon as he tried to move he felt worse again. Eventually he had to move though, and he did when he was sure that he wasn’t going to be sick again. He had to clean it up before Harvey saw it. He made it over to the kitchen in search of something to clean with. He found a roll of paper that was strung up in some fancy holder. When he tried to remove the roll, and a part of the holder fell down on the floor. He thought for a moment to pick it up, but decided against it. Better not bend down at the moment. He fell down hard on his knees and started to clean it up. He almost got sick again from the smell but managed to stop it. That was when Harvey came again. 

– SUITS –

As soon as he woke up again this time he knew that it was Mike who had woken him and he didn’t even question it before he was out of bed. When he got into the living room he didn’t see Mike straight away. He wasn’t on the couch anymore, instead he found him on the floor trying to wipe something off the floor. Apparently he had gotten sick again and was now trying to clean it up. He was on his hands and knees and seemed to struggle with the simple task of wiping the floor.

“Mike? You okay?” He asked. Mike jumped a bit, but kept cleaning. 

”You need some help? Why don’t you let me handle that?” He went closer to Mike and grabbed some more paper. But Mike didn’t move away.

”Come on Mike, stop that.” Harvey tried to grab the paper towel from him but only managed to get parts of it. 

“Mike, you don’t have to, come on, just stop.” But he continued, not doing a very good job at all. Mostly he just rubbed the vomit from one spot to another. His hands was shaking. Why wouldn’t he stop? Eventually Harvey decided to just grab him and forcefully make him stop. He grabbed Mike shoulders, and turned him away from the floor, he then went for his hands and removed the towel from his grasp and threw it on the floor, careful to not get anything on his hands. 

“That’s enough.” He said forcefully, and shoved Mike away a bit. Apparently it was not the right move to do as Mike now looked at him, absolutely terrified. His eyes were wide and wet and his lips were trembling. 

“I’m sorry.” He said. ”I’m so sorry Harvey. I… I didn’t mean…” He panted a bit, obviously trying to hold back tears. ”I was trying to clean it up.” He shakily stood up, and stumbled a bit to the side. As Harvey stepped forward to catch him in case he would fall, he backed away but remained standing. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry Harvey, I’m sorry.” He babbled. 

”Look Mike. It’s fine. I get it. You are not feeling well, so you don’t have to…”

Mike interrupted him and just started to apologies again. Harvey calmly tried to stop him, but it was like the kid was in another world. 

“Mike, shut up!” Harvey yelled eventually. It was as if he had hit an off-button on Mike. He got quite and stood frozen to the ground, his face drained of all color and his eyes flooding over with tears. Harvey immediately regretted that he had yelled. 

“Hey, come on Mike…” He took a few steps towards Mike, who responded with shrinking back from him. He backed up until he was against the wall. He was shaking. Harvey had never seen him like this, and intensely wished he didn’t have to witness it now. That Mike never would have a reason to be in this situation. But now here they were, and he should do something about it. He should probably calm the kid down as a first step. He raised both his hands in a none-threatening manner, and then he slowly took a few steps closer to Mike. But it was like the kid didn’t know what to do with himself. Harvey had him cornered, and he didn’t have anywhere to go unless he pushed Harvey to the side. He solved the situation by just dropping down to the floor. 

And Harvey had no idea of what to do now! He had never been in this situation before. Ever! He looked at Mike who looked like he was trying to press himself through the wall. His whole body was shaking, he was panting and making whimpering sounds. His knees was drawn up and he was covering his face with his hands. God, he really had to do something! He was somewhat ashamed of that the first instinct in him was that he wanted to leave. He didn’t want to deal with this because he didn’t know how. This was not his thing. But as he looked at Mike he knew that he could never leave the kid at this point. Never. 

Eventually he sat down on the floor and scotched close to the kid, so close that they were practically touching. Mike bumped into him by mistake and immediately tried to move in the other direction only to be stopped by the wall. He was in the corner now. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered then. ”Don’t be mad.” 

“Oh god, kid.” Harvey sighed. He thought he would be angry? What did he get that from? But before he could say anything else what Mike did next stopped him. He started crying. He seemed to do everything he could to stop himself, he pressed his hands harder over his face, maybe to muffle the sound but he couldn’t do anything about the harsh sobs that welled out of him. At first he did a few attempts of stopping, but didn’t succeed. Harvey sat like frozen next to him. He didn’t know what to do at all now. He of course wanted to help the kid somehow. But what was it that Mike wanted from him? It seemed like he didn’t want Harvey there judging on how he had reacted earlier when he tried to move away from him. He also seemed to think that Harvey was mad at him for some reason. Which he wasn’t. 

Actually he wasn’t mad at all. Not about the mess Mike had made on the floor or anything. This wasn’t Mikes fault. But he obviously hadn’t succeeded in making that clear to Mike. He really should do that. But now they were just sitting there on the floor. Mike was crying his eyes out, he had given up on trying to stop or hide it now. And Harvey, he was just sitting there, quiet next to him. He was probably making things worse by not doing anything at all. He shook his head a little and then turned a bit towards the kid. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” He said and put his hand on Mike’s shoulder and grabbed on to it. He meant for it to be comforting, but he was a bit shocked when his gesture seemed to make Mike cry harder. But he didn’t remove his hand. 

“Mike, listen I’m not mad at you. Not for anything. It’s okay.” He continued to just say things like that, telling him that everything would be okay and that he didn’t have to worry. But as he was saying those things a sadness filled him and as he listen to his own words and Mike’s crying he realized how false his words were. Everything was not okay, not at all. And he wasn’t sure that they would be either. And Mike did have a lot to worry about. But still he didn’t stop. It wouldn’t really help Mike if he was quiet, so this was better than nothing. 

Mike continued to sob and Harvey was starting to get worried. 

“Mike, come on you need to calm down. It sounds like you are not getting enough air, kid. That can’t be good. Try to breathe deeper Mike.” He gripped his arm and tried to pull it away from his face, but Mike wouldn’t let him. He kept his hold on Mike’s arm and tried to talk to him. But he didn’t seem to focus of any of it. His whole body was shaking with each sob. Harvey had never seen anyone cry like this before. It was a bit surreal. He noticed that his own pulse was high as well. He didn’t want to admit it to himself but he felt really shaken up. Hi heart was beating hard in his chest. Mike wouldn’t listen. What should he do. He let go of Mike’s arm and drew his hands through his hair in frustration. He had to get a break, he needed to regroup and think. It was hard to do with the sound of Mike’s bawling next to him. He knew it probably wasn’t the best thing to do at the moment, but he got up from the floor and walked away from the kid, and stepped out onto the balcony and closed the door behind him. He just needed one minute without the crying. He needed to come up with a different approach. He was a closer after all, he should be able to handle this as well. After a minute or even less he decided that he couldn’t leave the kid any longer. He would probably think that Harvey was pissed off and tired of him. And he wasn’t going to let Mike think that. 

Mike was in the exact same spot as he left him. He now rested his head on his arms, which were on his knees. He was still crying heartbreakingly. Harvey went up to him and sat down so close to him that their shoulders were touching. 

“Take your time,” he whispered “I’m just going to sit here.” He didn’t say or do anything else. He had decided to leave it up to Mike. Maybe this was what he needed now. He would just wait and see what Mike did, and then he would act accordingly. It was a good plan.

– SUITS –

Mike couldn’t stop. 

He couldn’t stop! He couldn’t stop crying. He really did try, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t remember a time when he had cried this much in the last decade, but he couldn’t stop! He could barely breathe either. The breaths he managed to draw in between the sobs was not really sufficient. He was vaguely aware that Harvey was sitting beside him. He was holding his arm in a pretty tight grip. He was saying stuff as well. But he couldn’t figure out was it was he was saying. 

It was all so very embarrassing too. Because Harvey was sitting there next to him and seeing all of it. He felt so incredibly vulnerable and humiliated. He didn’t want Harvey to see him like this. Had he said that out load? Harvey got up from the floor and walked away from him. Why was he doing that? He had probably lost his patience with Mike. He was so pathetic after all. Who the hell cried like this? He was a grown man, he shouldn’t react like this. But he couldn’t stop. And now Harvey was gone. He left! He probably didn’t want him in his apartment anymore either. He was surely going to kick him out after this. Would he fire him too? No, he wouldn’t. Harvey wouldn’t do that right? He curled in on himself as much as he could and he tried to stop. He really did. 

He was starting to feel nauseated again. He felt so bad in so many ways and not just physically. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know what he wanted. 

But where was Harvey? Why did he leave? It was all his brain could think about at the moment. He wanted him to come back, that’s what he wanted. He didn’t want to be alone. But he was, and it made him cry harder. All this time since he had gotten the news about the cancer he had come close to tears every time someone was kind to him. He didn’t know why, but that was what had happened. And now he kind of whished that Harvey would be nice to him too, just for a little while at least. Just until he could pull himself together again, and stop the damn crying. 

And then he did come back, and he said that he would stay. And Mike had cried some more from the relief he felt, but then he threw up again. He screwed it up. Of course he would, just when Harvey came back. He was going to hate him now! He would leave again. Or throw him out. 

– SUITS –

The kid wouldn’t stop! He had tried to sit there for a while, but Mike hadn’t said a single word to him and didn’t acknowledge his presence at all. He was just about to try and do something else, what he didn’t know, when Mike suddenly leaned away from him as much as he could and threw up again. It was mostly bile, but he kept going. When he was done he was almost hysterical. 

“No no no no…” He whispered over and over. Then, finally he looked over at Harvey with red rimmed eyes. “I’m so sorry.” He panted. ”I d-didn’t mean it.”

”Look Mike, I know you didn’t. Don’t worry about it, okay?” Harvey was grateful that he finally had some contact with the kid.

“But… but…are you…” he tried to draw some deeper breaths. “Are going to throw me out now?” He asked in a shaky voice. 

“Is that what you think? No, I’m not going to throw you out. Come on!” So that was what he had been afraid of? Harvey thought to himself. Throwing him out because he was sick. Harvey would never stoop that low. And absolutely not with Mike in the state he was right now. He doubted he could even stand up at the moment. 

“Mike, you are sick. I know that now, okay. You can relax, I’m not mad at you and I won’t throw you out. Do you understand?” He wasn’t sure Mike was even aware of him or what he was saying at the moment. But to his surprise Mike nodded. 

“Good. Now, let’s get you off the floor.”

It took them a while but eventually they manage to get back to the couch. It had taken longer than necessary because Mike had insisted on doing the getting up and the walking himself without Harvey’s help. Which left the older man hovering nearby somewhat annoyed. It would have worked so much better if Mike would just let him help, but he had pushed Harvey’s hands away and weakly argued that he could do it. Though he had let Harvey help lowering down on the couch. 

“Stay here.” Harvey said. But he stopped himself then, before he turned away. ”I’m going to clean up and then I will come back. And lay down would you?” He added.   
Mike was not laying down when he came back to the couch with a glass of water in one hand and a bucket in the other. He was sitting just as he left him, body trembling and his head bowed down. At least he didn’t seem to cry anymore, and his breathing was significantly better than before. He jumped a bit when Harvey put down the glass on the table in front of him. 

“You feeling better?” he asked. 

Mike just shrugged his shoulder a bit. 

“Try and drink something.” He motioned for the glass, and then put the bucket next to the couch. “I brought you this, if you need to throw up some more.” He said.   
Mike glanced at the bucket and nodded a little. He took a few sips before he put the glass back on the table. He still didn’t say anything, and Harvey felt kind of awkward. He decided to sit down across from Mike, but then got up and sat down next to him. 

“You should try to get some sleep. You look exhausted.” He said and put a hand on Mike shoulder. 

”Yeah, I’m really tired.” Mike whispered. 

”Then lay down.” Harvey gently pushed him a bit so that he was forced down to the pillows. 

“We will talk more tomorrow, okay?” 

After a nod from Mike Harvey stood and watched as Mike carefully made himself more comfortable. He drew a few shaky breaths and closed his eyes. After he had made sure Mike was asleep again Harvey went back to his bed as quiet as possible. He really hoped the kid would be able to sleep through the night now. Harvey himself had trouble falling back to sleep again. Images from different scenarios during the last few days kept making appearance as soon as he closed his eyes. They way Mike had looked at him at the office earlier, or Mike on the floor trying to clean up his living room floor. Mike falling asleep in court. Himself yelling at Mike, who kept looking down on the floor. And also now, Mike curled up on the floor crying like a little child. He didn’t know how long it took until he drifted to sleep.


	6. The day after

Harvey woke up pretty early the next morning. He didn’t feel well rested at all. It was the opposite actually, and he had a slight headache. He stayed in bed for a while, thinking about the previous night. It had been one of the worst nights he had in a long time. 

Mike had cancer in his heart! That thought took up most of his mind. It was awful. What were they supposed to do now? Would he be able to work? Was he getting the right treatment? Was it treatable? Darker thoughts started to linger in his mind and he decided to stop laying around and get up and find out some of the answers to his questions. Mike would probably know a few of them. They really needed to talk. Mike hadn’t really provided him with any information other than that he had cancer, had known about it for a week or so and was getting some kind of treatment, which apparently made him sick.   
He got up from bed and got dressed. He was grateful that it was Saturday, that way he and Mike could stay at home and handle this situation without having to stress to work. He wondered if Mike was awake yet. It was still early, so he was probably sleeping. He walked out into the living room and looked over to the couch and saw that Mike was still sleeping. He was laying very still on his back. The one hand that was visible was clutching the cover. Even from where Harvey was standing he could see some perspiration on his forehead. His cheek was flushed. He probably had a fever or something. He walked a bit closer and leaned over and looked into the bucket on the floor next to Mike. It was some disgusting stuff at the bottom of it, not much but enough to tell him that he at least had had a better night than Mike.   
He decided to clean it up and make some breakfast for them. 

The breakfast was ready, but Mike was still sleeping. He should probably just let him sleep. He would probably be cranky and whine if he woke him now. No, it was better to let him wake on him own. Harvey sat down in the kitchen and started to read through some files for a case while he waited for Mike to wake up. Hopefully he wouldn’t sleep too long, he was actually staring to get hungry. 

He found that he really couldn’t concentrate on the file. His thoughts kept circling back to the previous day and night. He really wanted some more information. As it was no, he basically had nothing. How could he have missed all of this? Mike had said that he hadn’t been feeling well for a while, before he went to see a doctor. He should have been able to have seen it. He read people for a living after all, and how on earth could he have missed something so drastic in his own associate? 

What also had affected him a lot the other night was the fact that Mike hadn’t come to him with this. Now when he thought back on the past week Mike had probably been on the verge of telling him several times, but he had always shot him down. No wonder the kid didn’t come to him then.   
His thoughts were interrupted by movement from the couch. Mike was awake. Harvey went over and sat down next to the couch and watched as Mike slowly blinked and became aware of his surroundings. He could see the moment when Mike realized where he was and what had happened yesterday. He tensed up a bit and looked around in the search of Harvey. When he saw him he jerked in surprise, clearly not expecting him to be there. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself and just stared at Harvey with wide eyes. 

Harvey felt a bit awkward with the staring and decided to act. 

“Hi Mike. How are you?” he asked. 

“Hi.” The kid swallowed a few times and then nodded. “I think I’m okay.” 

Harvey raised an eyebrow. “Really? I would think that you had a pretty rough night.” 

Mike looked away before he answered. 

“Yeah, about that… I’m really sorry Harvey. I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean for it to happen.” 

“Hey Mike stop. You don’t have to apologies. I know that you couldn’t really help it. Don’t worry about it.”

“But I was a total mess and.. oh god.” He groaned and hid his face in his hands. “It’s so embarrassing!” he exclaimed. 

“Well… I won’t tell anyone.” Harvey smirked. 

“Oh thanks.” Mike said sarcastically. 

“I can’t believe that you didn’t tell me sooner Mike. It’s kind of a big deal.”

Mike didn’t look at him. He seemed to sink a bit more down on the couch. 

“Yeah I know. I wanted to tell you, and Donna. But I don’t know… I didn’t know how to do it I guess.”

“Yeah, it sounds pretty simple to me. Hey Harvey, I have cancer.”

“Yeah sure.” Mike sounded a bit angry now. “And when should I have done that then? In between all the yelling I guess.” He hesitated. “You were so mad at me.”

Harvey let out a deep breath. He guessed he deserved that. He had been doing a lot of yelling. 

“You should have stopped me.”

“It’s not that easy, you know.” 

“I know.” Harvey said in a quieter voice. “I’m sorry about the last few weeks Mike. I should have known something was wrong. I should have asked you. This is on me too.” 

They both got quiet. Then Mike suddenly sat up. 

“Oh my god! Are we late? Why didn’t you wake me?” He had apparently seen the time.

“Hey! Calm down.” Harvey put up his hands to calm him. “It’s Saturday. No work today.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah. You up for some breakfast? It’s ready in the kitchen.” 

Mike looked hesitant, but after meeting Harvey’s he started to get up. They made their way over to the table and sat down. Harvey could see Mike looking at the food of the plate in front of him. He looked a bit disgusted. 

“Something wrong with my cooking? I haven’t poisoned it.” 

”I’m sorry Harvey. It looks really good and all, but I don’t think I can eat.” 

“You should at least try. You didn’t have dinner last night.”

“Yeah, but don’t we have to go to work though?” 

Harvey paused and looked at the kid. He looked back at him, face pale and with a worried look. Harvey slowly shook his head. 

“Mike. It’s Saturday, remember. You feeling all right?”

“Yeah, right. Yeah I’m okay. I just feel a bit queasy. I don’t think I should eat anything right now.”

“Then drink something.” Harvey said and pushed a glass of orange juice closer to him. As Harvey continued to stare at him he slowly lifted the glass and took a sip.   
Harvey shook his head a bit at him and drank his coffee. It was a bit cold now. 

He felt a bit worried. Mike was obviously confused. Twice he had asked him about work. What was up with that? Time to get some answers. 

“So, tell me about the cancer.” He said, looking expectantly at Mike, who nodded. 

“Okay, what do you want to know?” 

“Everything, obviously.” When Mike didn’t start talking he continued. “”What exactly does heart cancer mean?” 

“Well… It means I have tumors on my heart, malignant heart tumors.” 

“Tumors? As in more than one then?”

“They told me that it looks like I have primary tumors of the heart, which means that they started in my heart. They haven’t found any cancer in any other parts of my   
body, only in the heart. Apparently it’s very rare.”

“Yeah, of course it is.” Harvey said. “You are special.” Mike glared at him.

“You want me to tell you or not?” 

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing. But do continue.”

“My doctor said that they are not yet sure of which kind it is but it is some sort of sarcoma. They have to do a bit more testing before they can know for sure which kind it is. They said a bunch of names, but I wasn’t really paying attention at the time. There are different kinds at least.” 

“Wait, hold up.” Harvey interrupted him. “What is a sarcoma? 

“Eh... It’s tumors of the connective tissues.”

“Which is?”

“I think it is muscles, fat, blood vessels and stuff.”

“Okay. And what else? How do they treat it?”

Mike sighed. “Chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. All of it apparently.”

“And you have already started right?” 

“Yeah. I had chemo yesterday.” 

“And did it go well?”

Mike shrugged. “I guess. I don’t know.” He bit his lip. “I feel like crap now. And yesterday…” 

“Yeah…” Harvey nodded. “So it’s side effects then.” Mike nodded too. He stared down at the table. 

“Look Harvey. Can we do this later?”

“Mike. I want to know about this.”

“I know, but can I please go and lay down. I don’t really feel all that well.” He said as he pushed the orange juice glass away.

“Sure. Go.”

– SUITS –

He stumbled back to the couch and sank down on it. He felt so nauseous. It was terrible. During the whole conversation with Harvey he just felt it getting worse and worse. When he had gotten to the table and seen the food he had actually thought that he was going to be sick right then and there, but somehow he managed to not do it. He really had wanted to lay down, and it felt a bit better doing so. He heard Harvey following him and he sat down across from him, a sandwich in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. 

“That better?” He asked, and Mike just groaned as an answer. 

“You were pretty out of it yesterday kid.” He said. Apparently he really wanted to talk about it, not forget it ever happened, like Mike would have preferred. 

“Yes.” Was all he said. 

“You actually had me kind of concerned there for a while.” He continued. 

“Sorry.” Was all he could come up with. Images of himself sitting in a corner crying came up in his head, and he felt his face redden a bit. It was so embarrassing. Why did Harvey want to bring this up? 

“No, you don’t have to apologize, I told you that. I just wanted to know what went through your head at the time. You seemed…well…afraid.” He finished. 

“I was, I guess. I wasn’t really thinking clearly, Harvey. I…I just didn’t know if you were mad at me or not. Somehow I kept thinking that you were, and it kind of freaked me out, I guess.”

Harvey looked at him for a while until Mike broke eye contact. He couldn’t read what the other man was thinking. “I wasn’t mad at you.” He said. “I’m not going to be mad at you for something you can’t control. You don’t have to worry about that, Mike. You have other things to worry about. Don’t you?” 

Mike just nodded and looked away. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t know why, but it felt so awkward talking to Harvey about this. And also, he was doing his best to stay as still as possible. He felt like if he were to move he would probably be sick again. 

“Mike?” 

“It won’t happen again, okay?” He said angrily. Why couldn’t he just leave it alone?

“It is not what I’m talking about and you know it, and I don’t care if that happens again Mike. You couldn’t help it, right?”

Mike carefully shook his head. “Can we not talk about this now?” he then asked. 

“We need to talk about it at some point.” 

“I will tell you everything you want to know. Just not now Harvey. I feel really shitty at the moment.” He closed his eyes and wished that Harvey would just let him be.   
He had told him about the cancer, what more did he want to know? Harvey actually didn’t say anything more, and he forced himself to open his eyes and look over to him. They locked eyes for a while and Mike thought that he could see something in Harvey’s eyes that he never had seen there before. He looked sad and worried. Harvey was worried about him. A surge of relief and something close to happiness flooded through him. Maybe this meant that Harvey would consider helping him in all of this. Obviously he already had done so, but according to his doctor he would be needing a lot of help in the future. But could he really ask that of Harvey? Did they really have that kind of relationship? After all he was just his associate. Could he ask Harvey to help him? To be his support system. He wanted to, but he really wasn’t sure of what Harvey would answer. What if he said no? Or what if he said yes just because he felt obligated to do it, not because he wanted to do it. He didn’t want to be a burden. He guessed that that was exactly was he was going to be told. This disease would break him down, it would get really bad he had been told. Could he ask Harvey to be a part of that? 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Harvey asked. He said yes. 

Apparently Harvey had decided to cut him some slack, at least for the moment. He knew right away that he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on any movie, he felt nauseous and his chest felt tight. It would hurt a bit as well sometimes. This sucked. 

– SUITS –

Mike had been quiet for a while now. Harvey had put on a movie, and he had expected Mike to comment and probably ruin the moments of it. He had done so the   
first few minutes, but now they were more than half way in and he was quiet. It wasn’t like him, but he suspected that the kid had just made an effort to act normal and better than he actually was. Harvey secretly observed him. His gaze were fix on the TV screen but it kind of looked like he wasn’t really following what was going on. It was a comedy, on of Harvey’s favorites. He knew Mike liked it as well, because they had been quoting it on more than on occasion, but he didn’t seem to enjoy it so much now. It was understandable of course, but maybe it was something else as well? Every now and then he would tense up where he was laying on the couch, and he would screw his eyes shut. 

“Hey kid, are you in pain or something?” he asked.

Mike didn’t answer at first, and Harvey started to believe that he maybe was fine after all, but then he nodded. 

“Yeah, where?”

“In my chest.” 

“Okay.” Harvey sat there awkwardly for a moment. They should probably do something about that. “Do you have some painkillers or something?”   
Mike looked up at him now. He made a vague gesture with his arm in the direction of the hallway. “In my bag.” 

Harvey got up and found the bag. At the bottom of it was a few pill bottles. 

“Which one?” 

“I don’t know.” Mike groaned not even looking up. Harvey looked at them, they had names that he didn’t even bother with trying to pronounce. 

“Come on, you have to know. Is it this one? Or this?” 

Mike was pretty sure it was the second one, and he appeared to be right from what Harvey read on the label. He got him a glass of water and gave him the pills. After that they continued watching the movie in silence. Mike was hugging one of the pillows to his chest, and after a while he turned around on the couch and buried his face toward the back of it. Harvey glanced at him but decided to not comment on his actions. After a while he could tell that he was sleeping, still clutching the pillow to his chest. Harvey continued to watch the movie alone. 

The end credits was rolling when Mike woke up again. He sat up so suddenly that the pillows where flying and Harvey jerked in surprise. 

“What’s up?” he asked. Mike grimaced and groaned a bit. He swallowed thickly a few times. 

“Eh... I… I t-think I need to throw up.” He looked franticly around for the bucket. It was next to Harvey who quickly got it and thrusted it in Mike’s arms. He did not want to clean any more floors!

Mike held the bucket with trembling hands, and after a few minutes he was done, spit a few times and then leaned back against the armrest. 

“That was gross.” He sighed. 

“I agree to a hundred percent.” Harvey answered him with a smirk. “Think you are done?”

“Yeah for now at least.” He groaned. “I hate throwing up.”

“You know anyone who likes it?”

Mike didn’t bother to answer. His eyes were staring to close again. 

“Hey! You going to sleep with that?” Harvey got up and took the bucket from him. Mike made some unintelligent sound and didn’t open his eyes. 

“So kid. You got this sick from the treatment?” Harvey asked. 

“Yeah I think so. This hasn’t happened before.”

“Which kind of treatment was it?” 

“Chemo.” 

“And what other treatments are you going to get then? How is it set up?” 

“I’m going to get chemo treatment for a couple of weeks now, a few times each week, also radiation. Then they will do a break to see if it helps or something. Later they will explore the possibility of surgery as well. That’s what they have told me at least, so far.”

“It seems like you don’t really know much.”

“Well they told me a bunch of things, but I kind of zooned out a while.”

“Of course you did.”

Mike glared at him.

“Well, I want to go with you and talk to your doctors. Let me know the next time you are going.”

“You really mean that? You want to go with me to the hospital?” Mike looked skeptically at him. 

“Of course.” 

“Thanks Harvey.” Mike said quietly. A silence spread between them for a few minutes. 

“Heart surgery.” Harvey said suddenly. “That’s rough Mike. And how will you feel through all of this? Will it be something in style with last night or will you be able to handle it?”

“I handled it yesterday, I was just a bit overwhelmed. It was the first time.” Mike replied.

“You were crying for hours.” Harvey smirked.

“Shut up.”

“You have an honest answer?”

”He said that some days will be quite good though, not all of them will be bad.” Mike said. ”But they also said that I will probably have more bad days then good. They said that it won’t be an easy road, but there is some hope.”

Harvey felt himself tense at Mike’s last words. There is some hope. “What are your chances Mike?” He calmly asked, even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. Mike didn’t look at him, but stared down in his lap. He swallowed a few times. When he looked up again he had tears in his eyes. They weren’t falling, but   
they were there. 

“They don’t really know that just yet. But…” He stopped and looked away again.

“But what?”

Mike shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know.” He said. He pressed his hands over his eyes. When he removed them he looked straight into Harvey’s eyes. And Harvey felt a strange pull inside his chest. 

“I don’t want to die Harvey.” He whispered, and a few tears made its way down his cheek. 

“You won’t.” Harvey said without missing a beat. 

“You don’t know that.” Mike said as he wiped his cheeks. 

“Yes I do.”

“How?” 

“Because you and I, we are team. And my team don’t lose, kid.” 

Mike chuckled a bit. “Yeah, right. I forgot you are the best closer in town.”

“Damn right I am.” 

They smiled a bit. “Honestly though Mike, we’ll get through this. I got your back.” Harvey said and nodded at Mike. 

“Really?” Mike whimpered.

“Of course.” 

“Thank you Harvey.” Mike sighed and dried a few more tears. He let out a chocked sob before he managed to control himself again. “I have been so worried. It means a lot.” He mumbled.

Harvey got up and went to sit on the corner next to Mike’s feet. He patted his leg a bit. “Well, don’t be. Just give it all you have. Try to get some sleep. Then you are going to eat something.” And with that he went up and walked over to the kitchen. When he glanced back at Mike a few minutes later, the kid was asleep. Harvey stopped what he was doing and watched him a while. The poor kid. The way he had looked when he told him he didn’t want to die. 

It was all happening so fast. Just a day ago at this time everything was normal and he had been annoyed about Mike slacking off, and now the kid was sleeping on his couch dying from cancer. Mike told him that he had been worried. He thought for a while on how it must have been for Mike all these days when he had kept it to himself. How he must have felt knowing what was going to happen to him and being alone with it all. He had still been at work trying to get everything done, all the while Harvey had been yelling at him, telling him things that probably made him feel a lot worse. And he hadn’t had anyone to turn to. He had said earlier that he had wanted to tell Harvey, but had hesitated since he had been so angry. He had made Mike feel worse. That was on him. 

He hadn’t hesitated to tell Mike that he would be in this with him, because that was his plan. Mike would get through this! He would make sure of it. They were a team after all. He didn’t want to think about what it would be like if Mike wasn’t there anymore. No, he would be there for the kid through all of this, even if it meant that he had to clean the floor and other things like that. 

What he needed to do now was to get more information. He really wanted to talk to Mike doctors to get a clearer image of what they were dealing with. The information Mike had provided him with had been pretty vague. He would start with that first thing on Monday. First they had to get through the weekend. He probably should force some food into the kid. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday, and it was past lunch by now. He started to cook, all the while Mike kept sleeping. How long could he sleep really? 

It was almost three hours later that Mike woke up. Harvey had been waiting with lunch for a while, then he ate by himself and left some for Mike in the fridge. He had considered waking him up, but had decided against it. Harvey noticed him sitting up on the couch groggily and rubbing his face. He sat still for a while before he looked up and met Harvey’s eyes. 

“Hey.” Harvey said. 

“Hey.” 

“You good?”

Mike nodded a little. “Better at least.” 

“You want some food?” He went over to the fridge and opened it without waiting for a reply from Mike. 

“I can try.” Mike said and made his way over to the table. 

– SUITS –

When he woke up he felt a bit better as he told Harvey. Harvey were sitting at the table with some papers in front of him. He sat on the edge of the couch for a while before he attempted to get up. He actually was a bit hungry, which wasn’t strange since he didn’t even remember the last time he ate something. 

“You made this?” he asked Harvey when a plate was put in front of him. 

“Of course I did.” 

“Wow, I didn’t know you could cook. It actually looks eatable.”

“It’s delicious and I’m an excellent chef.”

“Yeah, sure.” Mike laughed. It felt good to joke around a bit. It felt normal. Which was all he wanted. 

After they had eaten they talked a bit about the case they were working on. Neither of them felt that they wanted to bring up any cancer related subjects at the moment. Mike was grateful for that. And Harvey seemed to be that too. Mike noticed that Harvey through him worried glances now and again, but didn’t say anything. A few hours passed and Mike was feeling better. The worst had probably passed by now. He was getting awfully tired though, and eventually he gave up trying to pretend that he wasn’t, and after his eighth yawn and after Harvey telling him three times to go and get some sleep he did. It felt so weird that he was laying down for a nap in the middle of the afternoon. The last time he had done that was probably when he was five or something. But he really did have a hard time staying awake at the moment. 

Despite everything he felt kind of good now. He was tired and felt a bit nauseated, but as long as he was laying down it was okay. He was incredibly grateful to Harvey for letting him stay at his place, and it felt like he finally could relax a bit. He trusted Harvey to handle things for now. He could get some sleep.

When he woke up later it was starting to get dark outside. Harvey was sitting at the kitchen table in front of his computer. He looked like he was totally absorbed in whatever was on the screen. 

“What are you doing?” he asked him. Harvey jerked a tiny bit and then closed the lid to the laptop. 

“Nothing. You done sleeping?”

“Yeah. For now.” He said and sat up on the couch. “You want to watch some TV?”

“Sure. As long as I decide what to see. I’m not going to watch any of that crap you like.” 

“How do you know that what I like is crap?” 

“I know you.” 

They ended up having a relaxed evening where not so much happened. They didn’t talk much which Mike was grateful for. He didn’t want to think about the hard stuff. And during the most of the day he had succeeded in doing just that. 

They agreed to take it easy during the weekend and start to deal with Mike’s situation on Monday. Mike had another chemotherapy treatment and an appointment with his doctor and Harvey was going with him. 

“How do you want to do about work Mike? You have to tell Jessica at some point.”

“I would like to wait as long as possible Harvey. I can still work, I just have to go to the hospital now and then.” 

“You won’t be able to keep up with your normal workload Mike, and if we tell Jessica she will accept that you don’t work as much.”

“I will still be able to keep up Harvey,” Mike said angrily “I have been doing that with this for weeks now.”

“And how did that work out for you.” Harvey raised his eyebrow questioningly. 

Mike glared at him. “I still want to wait with telling people. 

“How about Donna? She deserves to know Mike.”

“Yeah, I know, I’ll tell her soon. I just don’t want people to talk about it, and treat me differently… I’m not… I don’t know…”

“Okay, it’s okay. It’s up to you to tell her when you think it’s the right time. I won’t force you. But I think it is better to tell her as soon as possible. You know her, she   
will found out soon anyway.”

“Yeah, I know, I will tell her Harvey. Soon okay.” 

“All right. We can drop it now.” Harvey apparently sensed that it was time to change the subject. Mike felt pretty uncomfortable. He really didn’t want to tell anybody   
else. It was hard enough to tell Harvey about it. And to do that again wasn’t something he was looking forward to at all. But he guessed Harvey was right. He really should tell Donna. She had been so nice to him, and he had been about to tell her earlier. He was pretty sure that she would support him to a hundred percent. It was just the telling part that he was dreading. He would probably break down again, and he didn’t feel like doing that again so soon. 

Neither Harvey nor Mike said anything about Mike staying over another night, which Mike was grateful for. He didn’t feel like going back home to his empty apartment. He would only be reminded of how screwed his was, and how alone he were. At Harvey’s place it was different. 

“Mike, the pizza is here.” Harvey called. 

He only managed two slices before he had to stop. The food grew in his mouth and not even the disliking glares from Harvey helped. 

“Come on, eat up Mike.” 

But he didn’t and soon he fell asleep on the couch again. He didn’t even notice when Harvey fixed his cover that he had managed to dump on the floor. 

He woke up a few hours later disoriented and suddenly anxious. The condo was quiet and dark and Harvey was nowhere in sight. His heart was pounding hard in his chest which was making him nervous. He was laying straight on his back while he was staring up in the ceiling. He didn’t know why he was feeling like this. It was so dark! He started breathing more heavily and felt his eyes water. What should he do? He should do something, right. What if he was dying? His chest was staring to hurt now, and it was kind of hard to breathe too. He should call out for Harvey! But what if it was nothing? It would be so embarrassing. And what would he say? And what would Harvey do? What could he do? 

Eventually he decided to wait and see what happened. He had to bite his lip to not cry out. Tears were streaming down the side of his face down into the pillow. He clenched the cover in his fists. He felt so scared and alone. And he was crying again. He couldn’t stop it. He didn’t know why. It was not as bad as the night before, and not at all, but he was still crying. Silently though. He didn’t want Harvey to hear. What would he think if he knew? 

He didn’t know how long he was laying there like that. It didn’t get worse, but not really better either. Eventually he drifted off to sleep again, and this time he slept through the night until morning. 

When he woke up it was after ten in the morning, and he had a killer headache. At least he didn’t feel nauseated anymore which was a big relief. He groaned and put his arm over his eyes in an attempt to ease the headache. 

“Oh, you are finally awake.” Harvey’s voice sounded from the next room. He came out in the living room. “You okay?” 

Mike just groaned again. “Mike, seriously. Are you okay? Are you going to throw up again?” 

“No, I’m good.” 

“Yeah, you look excellent.” 

“Stop talking. I have a headache.” 

“Oh” Harvey said and Mike heard him walking around slamming with something in the kitchen. “You are telling me to be quiet in my own house?” 

When Mike didn’t answer he continued. “Get up and eat breakfast. I already ate.” 

Mike didn’t feel like getting up at all. And didn’t want to have any breakfast at all. He turned around on the couch and pressed his head as hard as he could into the   
back of the couch. He got to lay there for about ten minutes before Harvey was there, standing at his head. 

“Are you going to get up?”

“No…” he groaned. 

“You just going to lie there?” 

“Yes…?” 

“Fine. I’m heading out for a run. You need anything before I go?” 

Mike looked up at that. That was a first, Harvey asking if he needed anything. He had never done that before. This really was a new side of Harvey that he didn’t really know existed. But on the other hand, he guessed Harvey never had had the opportunity to show it around him. Maybe he had it all along. Now he was standing there waiting for him to reply, dressed in gym clothes. 

“No, I’m fine.” He said. 

“You want some pills or something? You look like crap.” 

– SUITS –

Harvey woke up early that morning. The previous night had been quite nice he thought. They had been watching TV and had been talking, not about cancer but other things. It kind of felt normal. Not that they ever had been doing this before, but it felt natural, hanging out with Mike. The kid had fallen asleep now and then, but when he woke up again they just continued like nothing happened. Eventually it had gotten late, and it didn’t seem like Mike would wake again so Harvey decided to go to bed himself. Without thinking about it he had put the cover over Mike, and moved his legs a bit so that all of him was on the couch. The kid hadn’t woken, so Harvey went to his bedroom. 

He didn’t wake Mike, and had breakfast alone. Usually on weekends he would go for a run, but he wanted to wait until Mike woke up before he left. He did two hours later. He didn’t look that well at all. He kind of wanted to force him to get up and have a healthy breakfast, but decided to leave him alone. His body languages showed that something was wrong. Maybe a headache, but he insisted that he was fine. But then he accepted the pain pills, so apparently Harvey had been right.   
He took shorter run than he normally did. Just in case Mike needed him. He had told Mike to call if something was up, but he didn’t. Mike was still on the couch when he got back. Sleeping again. He did that for most of the day. They had lunch together, and it was Mike’s first meal of the day. He hardly ate, and Harvey felt worried. He didn’t say anything though. 

“Do you want me to give you a lift back to your apartment?” Harvey asked later in the afternoon. 

Mike hesitated, and looked at him worriedly. “Or would you rather stay here another night?” he added. 

“No, it’s okay. I can go home.” Mike said. “I need to change clothes and stuff for tomorrow any way.” 

They left an hour later and Harvey accompanied Mike upstairs. His stuffy apartment was dark and a bit cold when they stepped inside, and Mike ended up standing still in the middle of the living room. Harvey patted his shoulder a bit. 

“You okay?” 

Mike stumbled a bit and sank down on his couch, before he looked up at Harvey. He nodded, with kind of glassy eyes, and Harvey suddenly felt a strange feeling of   
not wanting to leave the kid alone. He looked sad and small where he was sitting on the couch, he had a hoodie on which made him look younger than he was. 

“I will see you tomorrow at the office then, Mike.”

He nodded again. Harvey took a few steps against the door. 

“You know” he started. “You can call me any time.” He said. Mike was just sitting there looking at him. He nodded a bit again. “Thank you.” He said.   
Harvey had a lump in his stomach when he closed the door behind him. It felt wrong to leave the kid like that. At least it was just for the night, and he had told Mike to call him if he needed anything. 

What he didn’t know was that Mike cried himself to sleep that night too.


	7. Fever

Harvey left. Why did he just leave like that? It wasn’t fair! Didn’t he get that Mike didn’t want to be left alone. He was supposed to be able to read people. Why couldn’t he read Mike? Or maybe he could, but he just didn’t care. Mike didn’t know. It wasn’t much that he felt like he knew at this point, and it was so confusing trying to figure it all out. And even though he sort of knew that it didn’t help him at all when he was trying to figure Harvey out, he couldn’t stop himself from doing it.   
It had been a great weekend. At least considering the circumstances. He had really appreciated everything that Harvey had done and said to him. Harvey was going to help him! It was such a big relief he could hardly believe it. But he had said it, and he had found himself repeating Harvey’s words in his mind several times. He wouldn’t be totally alone. 

He was alone now. He had wanted to tell Harvey that he didn’t want to come to his own place, but he figured that Harvey probably wanted him to go home, so he hadn’t said anything. Although he was pretty sure that if he had asked Harvey would have let him stay. But here he was. He felt tired, but had been sleeping for most of the day, so he didn’t think he could do that yet. He should probably eat something though. It might be good to cook something to just distract his thoughts. 

When he looked through the shelfs in the kitchen he didn’t find anything he wanted to eat so he just made himself a couple of sandwiches. He finished two of them but couldn’t eat the third. It was growing in his mouth. He tried to watch some TV after that but found that he couldn’t really focus, and it wasn’t enough now to just have it on in the background. That had been fine at Harvey’s place, but here it wasn’t the same. He wished he was back there. His apartment was cold and he was freezing even with the two blankets he had. He turned the TV off and went to bed. 

As soon as he turned the lights out his heart started to beat a bit faster. He had his eyes wide open and shadows were playing around the walls. Strange sounds that probably always was present now caught his unwanted attention. He had to turn the lights on again after trying several minutes not to do it. It was so pathetic, how in his age was afraid of the dark. Well, he was apparently now.

Why did Harvey just leave him here? No Mike, he thought, you said that you wanted to come here. It is your own fault. But he was so alone now. Nobody would know if something happened to him. Nobody was there to keep him company when he felt scared. And nobody even cared. His thoughts kept getting darker and darker. He only noticed that he was crying when the pillow by his ears started to feel wet. That make him cry more. He didn’t want to cry like this, but at the same time it felt kind of better while he did it. 

Maybe he should call Harvey? He had said that he could do that. But what should he say? That he wanted Harvey to come and get him back to his condo? Harvey would probably think that he was crazy. Because it was. Right? 

He didn’t know for how long he was laying there like that. He didn’t call Harvey. He did nothing except laying there crying, and eventually he drifted off to sleep.  
He was feeling better the next day, only a little tired. He almost felt normal which was nice for a change. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad today. He felt like he could get some work done today, maybe catch up on everything he was behind with by now since his work had been suffering for the last few days. He could always hope. 

When he got to the office he decided to head to Harvey’s office directly after getting some files from his desk. He hoped it wouldn’t be weird or awkward between them now. But Harvey just nodded to him, and without saying anything Mike took a seat at the couch and started working. They didn’t talk much. Mike asked Harvey for some details for the case, and they discussed it for a while. Neither of them mentioned the weekend or anything else. Donna was working outside, and she had greeted him when he came and given him a big smile. She usually listened in on everything, she would hear if they were talking. Mike appreciated Harvey for respecting his choice about not telling Donna yet. He would tell her soon though, when the right time presented itself. 

When the time came for Mike’s doctor’s appointment they left together without telling Donna where they were going. She didn’t ask, but just gave Harvey a look when he told Mike it was time to go. 

“Let’s go Mike. We don’t want to be late.” Mike who had no idea what time it was jumped up from the couch a bit too fast, and had to sit down again as he got a bit dizzy. He felt fine though. He just got up to quick. Harvey gave him a glare that said are you stupid? which he just ignored. 

They did arrive to the hospital on time, and Harvey let Mike guide him through the halls towards doctor Lundin’s office. The door was closed when they arrived, but the doctor opened quickly as Mike knocked. He looked pleasantly surprised when he saw Harvey standing a few steps behind Mike. 

“Welcome Mike. Nice to see you again.” He greeted and shock his hand. “You brought a friend with you? That’s excellent Mike.” He smiled widely and stepped forward to shake Harvey’s hand. 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Mike’s oncologist, Dr. Anton Lundin.” He said. 

”Harvey Spector. Nice to meet you too. I’m Mike’s boss.” The doctor looked momentarily confused for a second when he mentioned that he was Mike’s boss, but he didn’t say anything about it, just invited them into his office and took a seat behind his desk. A few folders where prepared at his desk. 

“So Mike, how was your first treatment?” he asked.

“Not great I guess.”

“I take it the side effects were bad then?” He continued with more detailed questions about Mike’s reactions to the chemotherapy and how he had been feeling, and Mike tried to give as accurate descriptions as he could. Harvey was quiet through that part and just listened. 

“Is all of that normal?” He asked when Mike was done. “He was in pretty bad shape, not just physically, but also emotionally.” He added. Mike had deliberately avoided   
to tell the doctor about his emotional breakdown. So much for that. He glared at Harvey, who wasn’t faced at all by his look. 

“Well, it is hard to say what it is that is a normal reaction to all of this Mr. Spector, it effects every patient differently. What you Mike, experienced might just be what will be normal for you. It might also get easier or worse. It is hard to tell at the moment.”

“Great…” Mike muttered. 

The next hour involved Harvey asking his doctor questions about the cancer, treatments and side effects. Mike stayed mostly silent and just listened. It turned out that Harvey was asking some of the questions that he had been wondering about himself. It was kind of nice that Harvey was there to handle the questions. Even if they were all about him and his situation it was a relief that he didn’t have to take part in the conversation. He knew he should probably do more. He should research the cancer and treatment, ask questions and read all the folders. It was so much he should do. It was just that at the moment he really didn’t want to. He was completely happy with Harvey handling it. 

“Mike, are you even listening?” Yeah, he should probably do that at least. 

“Eh...what? Sorry?” he said stupidly, and Harvey rolled his eyes. 

“What I was saying Mike, is that after your chemo session today after our meeting we will have you set up for your first radiation therapy. From what you have told me I think that you will be able to do that. And seen as you already had your first consultation we are good to go.”

“Oh, right. Okay.”

”We will set you up on a low dose for now, which we might increase later on in the process, depending on how your heart will handle it. We will monitor you heart closely to make sure you don’t suffer from any serious side effect.” 

“Like what?” Harvey asked.

“For example heart vault damage or irregular heartbeats. Other signs to look out for is also shortness of breath, chest pains, coughing or fever. Of course we want the radiation to do more good than bad, so be on alert for this.” 

“It sounds pretty bad.” Harvey said. Mike said nothing. 

“It is only possible side effects. Hopefully you won’t have them Mike.” He looked at both of them for a while. 

“Do either of you have any more questions for me, or are you ready for your chemo Mike?” he kindly asked and tried to meet Mike’s gaze. He shook his head. 

But Harvey demanded a detailed description of what radiation therapy was and how it worked. They got that, and fifteen minutes later they were waiting for a nurse to start up Mike’s chemo therapy. Doctor Lundin had brought them to the room where it was going to happen, and Mike was in a chair with an IV-stand next to him. He had been in a different room for a few minutes where they weighed him, taken his temperature and checked his blood pressure. Harvey was now awkwardly standing in front of him, as they said goodbye to the doctor. He shook Mike’s hand and patted his shoulder before he left. 

“Well. You were quiet in there.” Harvey said, as he found a plastic chair behind a door and pulled it up next to Mike. 

“You had it handled. Didn’t you?”

“You bet I did.” Before he could say anything else the nurse came and he had to push his chair to the side, as she needed the room. 

Mike looked away as she put the needle into his arm, and managed to not jerk away as it entered under his skin. It didn’t hurt that much after all. It was however   
pretty uncomfortable. She drew some blood in a small container and then left for a while. They waited mostly in silence. Harvey paced a bit back and forth. 

“You can leave it you want.” Mike quietly told him. Harvey stopped and looked at him a bit annoyed. 

“You think I will leave now? I’m staying, end of the discussion.” He added just when Mike was about to argue. He didn’t need a babysitter. But it was nice of Harvey to stay.

“Okay, Mister Ross.” The nurse said as she returned. “We are good to go. You can take these” she held out a few pills in a little plastic glass. “For possible side effects.” 

“Yes, he wants them.” Harvey said as Mike didn’t take them right away. He took them.

After that she stuck and other needle into his arm and taped it to his arm. Then it started and they just had to wait it out. It was a long couple of hours. At first Harvey tried to get him involved in conversation, but he didn’t really feel up to it, and only answered with a few words. After a while Harvey gave up, and took out his phone.   
Mike dozed off for a while. 

When he woke up again and stretched in the chair Harvey looked up at him. 

“You are still here.” Mike stated. 

”Yes I am, you idiot. I said that I was staying with you. How are you feeling?” 

“Okay I guess. Is it almost finished?” he asked. 

“How should I know? How long does this take?”

“Last time it was like three hours.” Harvey glanced at his watch. 

“Then in twenty-two minutes.”

“Right. What are you doing?”

”Texting with Louis’s wife.” 

Mike laughed a bit. ”Yeah, what is she saying?”

“Nothing meant for your ears.” He put the phone in his pocket. Then he looked at Mike for a few moments. “How are you handling things Mike?” He asked unusually kindly. 

For a moment he considered to make a joke. But it wouldn’t be fair to Harvey. He was staying with him at the hospital after all. He didn’t have to do that at all, but there he was. 

“Honestly I don’t know Harvey.” He answered eventually. “It’s like my brain hasn’t really come up with a way to react yet. It’s like I’m just along for the ride. Go where they tell me to go and do what they tell me to do.” 

Harvey nodded then. “Alright” he said “I guess that make sense. It is a lot to take in.” 

– SUITS –

It really was a lot to take in. Harvey’s own head was spinning with all the new information he had received during the afternoon. He guessed that Mike’s reaction was one that could be expected. It was all happening so fast. This new reality for Mike had not taken hold of him yet. It probably would soon. They were interrupted then by the pretty nurse who stepped into the room. She smiled warmly against Harvey before she moved over to Mike. She small talked with him for a while, and checked his blood pressure and what Harvey guessed his temperature as well. After that she told them where to go next for radiation therapy. 

Mike got to change into a hospital gown and then stepped into another room, but turned in the doorway and came back to Harvey. He stopped in front of him and   
looked at him hesitantly. Harvey raised an eyebrow.

“Will you stay?” Mike asked. He looked worried, and Harvey suddenly felt himself prepared to do everything he could to take his worry away. 

“Of course.” He said. ”I’ll be out here.”

“But they said it will take at least an hour, and we have already been away from work for hours and hours now, and you were supposed to be in conference room C thirty minutes ago.” He babbled. 

“Mike. It’s taken care of. Go on and get your radiation, they are waiting for you.”

The kid still looked worried but did what he said. 

Harvey sat down and waited. He really hadn’t expected it to take this long. He had thought that they could be back at the office after like two hours, not five. But as he had said, he had taken care of everything. He had texted Donna, who had moved the meeting in conference room C, and he had texted the client that he would call him later. Donna had tried to call him, but he hadn’t picked up. You were not allowed to take calls at a hospital, right? 

She had also e-mailed him off course. She wondered what they were up to. He didn’t like to keep things from her. He felt a bit guilty about it. But he wasn’t going to betray Mike’s trust. The kid really needed him. 

Nothing had sounded good earlier when they talked to Mike’s doctor. The odds really seemed to be against them, against Mike. But Harvey would make sure that he would beat them. He promised himself that he would take care of things from now on. The kid was obviously not capable of doing it himself at the moment. As he said, he was only along for the ride. And maybe that was a good thing at the moment. Harvey was going to try to keep it that way. If Mike just did what he told him, things would be fine. Hopefully. 

Mike had been unusually quiet the whole day. He seemed a bit more collected now than he had been the last few days which was good, he guessed. 

He had to wait almost one and a half hour before Mike appeared again out from the door. He was dressed in his own clothes. 

“I’m all done.” He said. ”Let’s get out of here!”

Ray came and picked them up at the parking. He didn’t ask anything, like Harvey knew he wouldn’t. He knew that Harvey would tell him when it was time that he knew. 

“Man…” Mike sighed. ”That was so boring.” 

“Really? You were expecting it to be entertaining?” 

”No, but you just have to lay there all motionless. They get mad if you move. She didn’t even want me to talk.” 

He seemed to be a bit better. He asked Harvey about the client, and they talked work for the rest of the car ride. Back at the office Mike planted himself on the couch again, and Harvey called the client. They talked a bit, and Harvey gave Mike some more tasks to do. He was aware that maybe it would be too much for Mike to do during the rest of the day, but he didn’t want to ease up on the kid. He didn’t think that Mike would appreciate that. 

He watched the kid when he didn’t notice. He looked exhausted, as he was reading through a file. It took him longer than usual to read one page. And suddenly his   
head jerked up and he blinked a few times. He apparently feel a sleep for a little while there. Harvey didn’t say anything though. He wanted to see how Mike would handle it. Would he say something? Ask to be excused to go home? Not that Harvey would allow him to. He was planning to take Mike back to his condo again. No way that he would leave the kid alone after all the information about possible side effects from both cancer and treatments that he had learnt about today. 

Mike didn’t handle it at all. In fact he chose to do nothing. He just sat there on the couch staring out the window. Eventually Harvey decide it was enough. 

“Okay kid, that’s it.”

Mike looked blankly at him. “What?”

“Since you are clearly done for the day, how about we head over to my place?” he asked.

“I can come to your place?” 

“Yes, you can come to my place.”

“Sweet.” The kid tiredly got up, got his bag and walked out. 

“All right. I guess we are going right now then.” He mumbled to himself as he gathered his things. 

Mike was talking to Donna, who tried to get him to tell her if he had been eating enough during the day. Harvey swore inwardly. Apparently he would have to feed the kid as well now. He didn’t have any food at home.

“I will feed him, Donna. I promise.” He told her, and grabbed Mike’s arm and pushed him gently along the corridor. “Good night Donna” Mike called over his shoulder.

The first thing Harvey did when they got to the condo was to order some take out for the both of them. He was starving. Mike insisted that he was too. 

“I haven’t eaten all day.” He whined. 

“We had lunch.” 

“Yeah, but after that.”

“It’s not even eight a clock Mike. That is normal dinner time for you.” 

“Fine. But when does the food get here then?” 

“You seem to doing good.” Harvey noted dryly. 

“Just because I have heart cancer doesn’t mean I have to feel bad all the time Harvey.” 

The food arrived ten minutes later and Mike stopped whining only then. As they ate Harvey wondered if Mike would be able to keep the food down at all this time. He seemed to be doing well at the moment. He was talking and joking and ate all of his food. 

Mike went to watch some TV after dinner, and left Harvey to catch up on work. After all he had practically missed a whole days’ worth of work. Two hours later he decided to join Mike on the couch. Mike was quiet now. He didn’t say anything when Harvey dropped down next to him. He didn’t even move. 

“Feeling anything?” Harvey asked.

“Shut up.” Was the answer he got, which made him instantly annoyed. 

“Fine.”

After a while he noticed how Mikes breathing was getting louder. He jerked in surprise when the kid suddenly stood up from the couch and flew out towards the bathroom. Harvey stayed where he was, but could hear clearly what Mike was doing. He returned slowly a few minutes later and carefully sat back down. 

“That was not nice.”

“You want your bucket?” 

“Oh, is it my bucket now?” he asked weakly. 

“Well, you have a closer relationship with it then I do by now. It might as well be yours.” 

“I don’t know what to say Harvey. Thanks…” 

“I want it.” He added a few minutes later, as he struggled up from the couch again. When he got back again, the bucket was waiting for him. He didn’t say anything,   
just sat down and drew the bucket closer to him on the floor, so that it would be within reach. 

He was moving around on the couch restlessly, trying to find a good position. They watched the movie for a while. Suddenly Mike’s hand flew up to his mouth and he   
grabbed for the bucket with the other hand. Harvey made a move to help him, but he managed himself, before something unpleasant happened. 

It was pretty gross to sit next to someone how was retching, at least it didn’t smell that bad, because Mike had not much left to throw up anymore. The kid fell back on the couch when he was done, he was panting and groaned a bit. He folded himself down so that he was laying across the armrest. It looked pretty uncomfortable. Harvey rolled his eyes and got up from the couch. 

“Lie down.” He ordered Mike, and sat down on a chair instead. Mike gave him a confused look, but then fell against the other side. His feet was still on the ground, but he then kicked off his shoes and brought the bucket close to his face. 

He threw up a now and then after that. Harvey could tell that he clearly was feeling really bad. His shirt had spots that were wet from sweet, his cheeks was flushed and he let out pained sounds now and again. 

Harvey fetched him a glass of water and a wet cloth, that he thought Mike could use to wipe his face with. Mike didn’t care about it all though. He just swatted Harvey’s hand away as he tried to hand it to him. 

– SUITS –

Mike was feeling so so bad. It was definitely worse than the last time. He deeply regretted having that much food for dinner. Note to self; don’t eat after chemo. His throat felt sore, he was sweating and was incredible nauseous. It felt like if he just moved his head an inch he would puke again. Harvey had gotten him a glass of water, it stood there on the table and looked so tempting, but it was just go down and then turn to come right back up. Better not.   
On top of everything else his chest was hurting again. It was a deep ache that started in the middle of his chest and spread its way out. At first it was not so bad, but as time passed it got worse. He tried to rub at it with his hands, but the movement caused him to throw up. He was aware of that he was groaning pretty loud. Harvey came and sat down on the table in front of him. 

“Mike, is it something that I can do?” he asked. That was nice. No, there was nothing he could do though. Nothing that he could think of at least. Harvey couldn’t stop this. 

“Mike?” Oh, right. He should say it out loud. 

“No.”

Harvey got up and left then, and Mike immediately changed his mind. Harvey could stay. He could keep him company, maybe talk to him. Distract him from the pain   
and everything else. He wasn’t really aware of the fact if he said something out loud or not. But to his relief Harvey came back and sat down in front of him again. 

“I have your pills here” he said. “You should probably try to take them Mike.” 

Harvey helped him to take the pills and take a few sips of water. He threw it up ten minutes later. 

Something cold was on his forehead. It felt really nice as it swept down his face a few times. He became aware of that Harvey was wiping his face with the cloth. He was hugging his chest. The pain wouldn’t ease up. 

“We will try the pills again in a while Mike.” Harvey said quietly next to him. He just moaned for an answer. Harvey would understand. 

“Does your chest hurt, Mike?” Harvey was asking. 

“Yes.” He panted.

“Can you breathe all right?” No, he couldn’t because his chest was hurting. He just said that!

“Mike can you breathe okay?” Harvey asked him again. “Can you draw in breaths? You need to answer me Mike.” 

“Yeah I can, but it hurts.” He said just to get Harvey to stop bother him. 

Mike wasn’t really aware on how much time passed. He didn’t feel any change in his body, except maybe he felt a bit worse. The nausea was awful. If he stayed still on the couch with his eyes screwed shut it felt marginally all right, but he also felt anxious when he had his eyes closed, and the pain in his chest made him want to keep moving around restlessly on the couch. It was also really warm. 

Harvey was sitting next to his head and sometimes he would offer him something to drink, which he did not want. He also wiped his face again which felt kind of good. His head was staring to hurt too. 

After a while Harvey told him that he should try to take some pills again. “It’s been thirty minutes without you throwing up now. You might be able to handle it.” He said. ”Here. I’ll help you. Stop squirming Mike.” 

“You should probably try to get some sleep kid.” 

“I don’t think I can.”

“Yes you can.”

“No.”

“Well, you will anyway.”

“But my head hurt.” Mike muttered. Didn’t Harvey get that? “It’s too many lights on.” 

“Fine.” Harvey sighed, and Mike watched him get up and turn the lights off. Darkness spread across the room, and suddenly he couldn’t see where Harvey was. 

“Where did you go?” He asked out into the dark. 

“I’m right here.” Harvey said, right next to him. “Go to sleep now.” 

“I can’t.” 

It turned out that he could. His medication took some effect and he dozed off just to be woken a bit later. He didn’t know how much time that had passed, the room swam in darkness. “Harvey?” he called out. Where was he? It felt like he was going to be sick again and he couldn’t see a thing. He was incredible warm, and he felt a bit confused. He thought that he was making some kind of a sound but he was sure. It was so dark. But then Harvey was there, he could see him again. He felt so bad.   
Where had Harvey even been? Why wasn’t he staying there? 

”It’s okay Mike. I was just in my bedroom.” Had he been talking out loud? He vaguely thought that probably had been embarrassing. All of this was kind of embarrassing. But he didn’t care because he got sick again. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Harvey mumbled next to him. “You have a pretty high fever Mike.” He probably had. Harvey was probably right. He usually was. 

– SUITS –

Mike was really out of it. 

He had fallen asleep about an hour ago which Harvey had been really thankful for. The kid had been tossing and turning on the couch, clutching at his chest. Eventually he had managed to keep the pills down and had settled down and to Harvey’s surprise actually fallen asleep. 

Harvey had decided to take the opportunity to get some sleep himself. He fell down on his bed on top of the covers. He would go and check on Mike in a while. He had woken by Mike calling out for him with a hoarse voice. He had turned on the lights and found the kid laying without the covers on the couch, trying to get up from the couch. He was asking where Harvey had been. His face was pale and perspiration shined at his forehead. He was gagging a bit and Harvey hurried over with the bucket. He was just on time. 

Mike wouldn’t drink anything and turned his head away when Harvey held out a glass for him. He was panting a bit and wriggling around where he lay. 

They repeated this process two more times. Mike would fall asleep, just to wake up a short while later, thus waking up Harvey too. He didn’t seem to be improving which according to Harvey was cause of concern. He didn’t like the fact that he couldn’t do anything about it. 

“What’s happening?” Mike slurred the second time Harvey appeared next to him. “Where am I? It’s really dark.” he said. 

”Yeah. It’s night time.” Harvey said stupidly. It was like he was talking to a little kid, not a grown man. “You are on my couch.” 

“No, it is too dark. Turn on the lights Harvey.”

“But you are supposed to sleep now Mike.” Harvey said patiently. 

 

“But it’s too dark. I can’t see anything.” He repeated, his voice was shaking a bit.

“Fine.” Harvey sighed and turned the light back on again. “You are not supposed to see anything, you are supposed to sleep.” He muttered, knowing Mike was not really listening. Mike looked relieved at the light but didn’t meet Harvey’s eyes. He looked around the room for a while with glassy eyes. 

”Harvey, where is my grandmother?” he suddenly asked. 

Harvey looked at him for a minute. Was he serious? He wouldn’t joke about that right? Harvey looked at his pale face, the only color in it was his flushed cheeks. He was running a fever. Was he delirious? 

“Mike… What are you talking about?” he asked to stall a bit a figure out if which state of mind the kid was in.

“Where is she?” He whispered and tried to look past Harvey. If it hadn’t been for his question Harvey would had thought that he was a bit more lucid then before. “She   
is supposed to be here.” He added.

“Mike…Your grandmother isn’t here.” Poor kid. 

Mike looked up at him for a long time and Harvey could see the recognition returning to his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, right. I know.” He mumbled. “I just thought… She was just… I was just thinking about her.” He finished lamely and wiped his forehead. He chuckled a bit. 

“My god… For a moment I really thought that she was here.” 

“It’s okay Mike.” was all he could think of replying.

“How is that okay?” Mike asked and sounded angry now. “That’s not okay. I was so relieved that she was here, if she was here it would be okay…” He stopped himself, and tears welled in his eyes. “Shit!” He angrily wiped his eyes free of the tears. 

“It’s not your fault.” He tried to reassure the kid. But he abruptly turned around and turned his back towards him. Harvey just rolled his eyes and leaned back at the   
chair. He should probably just stay here for the rest of the night. Then he didn’t have to make the trouble of walking the distance between his bedroom and Mike on the couch. That was what he told himself at least. 

But he was also worried. Of course he was. He couldn’t deny that, even when it was to just himself. What if this was some of the side effects that they were supposed to look out for? He had debated for a while if he should call the hospital or not, when Mike had complained about his chest pains, but for now he hadn’t mentioned it for a while. Which he guessed was a good thing. Of course Mike would have a harder time sleeping if he was in pain. 

The kid seemed to be wanting him there. It was kind of endearing. It showed that Mike really thrusted him. He stared at Mikes back. He was shaking a bit, and Harvey wasn’t sure if the kid was crying or not. Neither of them said anything for a while. 

“Sorry.” Mike whispered suddenly. ”I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was dreaming.” 

“Yeah. It happens. Don’t worry about it.” Harvey answered him calmly. 

“I think I will go back to sleep now.” 

“Sounds like a good idea, Mike.” 

They were both a sleep not ten minutes later. Mike managed to sleep mostly undisturbed during the rest of the night. He woke up once and gagged a bit, but noting came out and he was a sleep in the matter of seconds after. Harvey however had a harder time falling back to sleep. He couldn’t really relax enough. He slept badly and kept waking up now and again. His living room chair was not made for sleeping in for one. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to do it again any time soon.


	8. Pain

Harvey woke before Mike the next day. He had known that he would. It hadn’t been a great night. He was stiff, with an aching back from a night in an armchair. He kind of wished that he didn’t had to go to work. One thing was for sure at least, and that was that Mike was not coming with him. The kid really needed all the rest he could get. He would let Mike take the day today. Maybe it would help him a bit. He hoped it would.   
Harvey got up, had breakfast and got dressed. He felt drained, and kind of wished that he could stay at home too, but he knew that he couldn’t. Then he decided to wake Mike up. They needed to talk before he left. 

“Mike, wake up.” He said pretty loud. He got no response what so ever from Mike. He had to shake him a bit before he groaned and turned on his back and looked up at Harvey. He blinked a couple of times before he sat up. 

“You with me?” Harvey asked.

“Yeah, sure. Why didn’t you wake me sooner? You are already dressed.” Mike stated and rubbed his eyes a bit, like a little kid. 

”Yes I am. I’m going to work, and you are not.”

“What?! Are you firing me? Harvey you can’t do that!”

“Oh calm down, would you. I’m not going to fire you.” Of course the kid would jump to that conclusion. Had Harvey really damaged him that much that Mike’s first   
thought always was that he was getting fired? “You are going to take the day Mike.”

“What? No. I don’t need that.” Mike said. ”I can work.”

“Well, even if you can, you won’t today. You will stay here and you will take it easy Mike.” 

”But I am not…” Harvey cut him off. 

”You are staying. It’s not up for discussion.” 

Mike sighed and sank down into a laying position again. They were quiet for a while. 

“How are you doing?” Harvey asked. 

”Better than yesterday.” Was all Mike said, which wasn’t saying a lot. 

“All right,” Harvey said. “I want you to get up, have some breakfast and take your pills. Then you are going to stay here and rest. No work for you today.” 

“Fine.” Mike said and sounded pretty annoyed. 

”Look Mike.” Harvey sighed and then paused for a while. “I wanted to tell you that things have changed now, okay. I want you to talk to me about stuff from now on. If   
there is something that is bothering you in any way I want you to tell me about it. I need to know about these things now.” 

“What things?” 

“Well, if you are not feeling well, if you are in some kind of pain or if something else is wrong. I want you to come and talk to me. Are we clear?”  
Mike didn’t look at him at first, but when Harvey repeated himself he met his eyes. 

“Okay Harvey.” Was all he said. Then he closed his eyes. 

“Good.” Harvey said awkwardly. ”Call me if there is something. I’m going.” 

“Bye.” Mike said in a quiet voice. 

Harvey got up from his seat next to him and slowly made his way to the front door. He hesitated for a while in the kitchen area, but then with a last glance at Mike he left the condo. He was laying on the couch staring up into the ceiling. When he closed the door behind him he found himself standing in front of it hesitating. It didn’t feel right to just leave like that. That person in there on his couch was not the Mike he knew from just a few weeks ago. This current Mike had barely talked back to him like the old Mike would have, he had just resigned to what Harvey told him. He really needed to do something about that. But that would have to wait, he was unusually late at this point. He left. 

– SUITS –

Mike spent probably an hour just lying there on the couch staring up at the ceiling, before he finally got up and went to the kitchen. Harvey didn’t have that much food that he wanted to eat. He probably opened every cupboard, so he knew. Eventually he just took something and took the necessary pills. 

He didn’t really know what to do after that. What he did know was that he needed to do something to distract himself. He tried to find something to read and looked around in Harvey’s apartment. He found some books and magazines, and it worked as a distraction for a couple of hours. 

The day passed slowly. He watched some TV and slept a bit. Harvey had called him around lunch, apparently just to order him to eat something. 

He had kind of hoped that Harvey would be home to have lunch with him. It was so boring to be alone. He didn’t like it at all. Before all of this he would have been thrilled to be allowed to stay at Harvey’s place by himself. If nothing else, so for the view. 

Late in the afternoon he found himself out on the balcony. He was standing there looking out over the city. Lights were shining from windows and streetlights. The city was blooming with life, and it was making him sad. The fact was that it would go on and on, and nothing would stop it from doing so. It would go on without him as well, it wouldn’t even notice his absence. 

Before he knew it he had been standing there for over an hour. A few tears slip down his cheeks. He had to step inside because he was freezing by now. He found a blanket and draped it over his shoulders. He sat down on the couch, and thought a while about turning on the TV, but decided against it in the end. He didn’t feel up for it. In fact he didn’t feel up for anything. He just felt sad and a bit angry. He was just sitting there and waiting for something to happen, for Harvey to come back home. He didn’t want to be alone anymore. He felt tears well up in his eyes again. Again and again. He was crying all the fucking time. He didn’t even no way. It was really annoying. He never used to cry like this before. Sure, once in a while he had shredded some tears, but he could probably count the times he had done that before the whole cancer thing. Or actually he knew exactly how many times it was. He remembered every time. Not that it helped him at all now, to think about those times. 

The last time he had cried in front of anyone else before all of this, was when Rachel came and told him that Grammy had passed away. And now, just in a few days he had been crying in front of Harvey three times! And a bit in front of that nice taxi driver just after he found out. 

Harvey must think that he was crazy, or sensitive or weak or whatever! It was so embarrassing to cry in front of Harvey. He didn’t want to do that. He hated it in fact. But every time it had happened he hadn’t been able to help it. The tears just came. And at the moment, while he was crying, it had felt good. It had felt better afterwards. 

But what was Harvey thinking about it? Did he think it was okay? He had, after all acted like it had been okay. He had comforted him. He hadn’t commented at all. Maybe he thought it was all right then. Maybe he should talk to Harvey about it. He had said that he wanted Mike to talk to him about stuff, even things that weren’t cancer-related. He had said that things had changed and that he wanted to know everything. Could he talk about the crying? After all Mike had had pretty good reasons for each time he had done it. That one time when he had told Harvey, it had been very hard to talk about it, and to finally tell someone about it. And then the other time he had been kind of out of it to be able to control it, and he guessed that he had needed it at the time. And now yesterday had been because of that dream about Grammy he had had. He had just been so disappointed when he realized that it was just a dream, and that she wasn’t there. 

He had cried a lot of times when nobody was there as well. Now when he thought about it, every time he had really wished that somebody had been there with him, like he did now. Maybe that was the reason that he cried. It was also the stuff with that he was dying and things, but he really felt alone. 

He felt alone now. He curled into himself and buried himself down in the pillows on the couch. He guessed that he might as well give in to it, now when nobody was here. After all, it felt better when he could just let it out. And if crying was something that made him feel better for the moment, that was what he was going to do. Right at this moment it was all he had and all he could do. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had been working in his office for about twenty minutes when Donna opened the door to his office, stepped inside and closed it behind her. 

“So, when are you going to tell me what is going on here?” she asked. 

“Going on where?” Harvey deflected. 

“Oh don’t even try Harvey. You know perfectly well what I mean.” 

“Which is what Donna?”

“Where is Mike?” She asked and stared at him. Then she came and sat down in front of him and waited. 

“Donna!” 

“Harvey! I know that something is going on, and I would like to know what it is.” 

“All right. Yes, something is going on. But honestly Donna, it is not my place to tell.” 

“What are you talking about? Are you going to keep things from me?”

“It is up to Mike to tell you. And he will when he is ready. You are going to wait until he is.” He told her, aware of that this was something that never had happened   
between them before. She always knew what he knew. She looked straight into his eyes for a long time and he held her look. Eventually she nodded. 

“I will wait for him to tell me then.” She said, got up and left his office before he could say anything else. He sighed. He wanted to just tell her. He wanted to confide in   
her, get her support and input on how to handle the situation. But as for now, he would just have to wait until Mike told her. He should just get back to work now. 

Work didn’t go well. He had a hard time concentrating. His mind kept wandering back to Mike. He didn’t really like the thought of that Mike was alone at his apartment. Not that he was worried about his apartment, but he didn’t think that Mike was in a good state of mind. After all, how could he be? 

At lunch he decided to give the kid a call, just to make sure that he had eaten something. Mike picked up on the forth signal. 

“Yeah?” he said. 

“What were you doing?” 

“What? Nothing.” Mike answered and sounded a bit annoyed. 

“Have you eaten anything?” 

“Not yet.”

“Well, you should do that. There is food in the fridge. I give you permission to take whatever you want.” 

“Oh, thanks.” Mike said sarcastically. 

“Have you taken your meds?” 

“Yes. Harvey.” 

“Good boy.” 

“Shut up.” 

“With a language like that I would be careful.” Harvey threatened. 

“What, because you will fire me if I talk back to you?” 

“I will consider it, yes.” 

“You can’t fire a sick person Harvey. I’ll just sue you and win!” 

The continued to banter for a while, until Harvey decided to end the call. 

“You should go and rest or whatever. I have work to do.”

“You are the one who called me.” Mike reminded him. 

“See you later kid.”

“Okay…” 

Harvey hung up. 

After the phone call he was able to get some more work done. He had a meeting with a client that went very well, and managed the paper works in a couple of hours. After that he decided to head home. It was earlier than he used to, but he figured he could take some work with him home. 

He got home and found Mike laying listlessly on the couch. He had turned on the light, but he was not doing anything other than staring out into the air. 

“Hi kid! I see you had a productive day.”

“Hi Harvey.” Mike said. 

Harvey took a closer look at him. He looked tired and pale. 

“How are you doing?” He asked. Mike shrugged.

”Okay I guess.” 

”Yeah, have you eaten?” 

A nod. 

”Did you take your pills?”

Another nod. 

“All right. Would you like me to take you home?” 

That got a stronger reaction from Mike. He looked up at Harvey and sat up on the couch. He looked worried when he answered. 

“I don’t know” he answered hesitantly. “If you want me to?” 

“No, you can stay.” Harvey reassured him, and saw Mike relax. And they didn’t mention it more that evening. To Harvey it seemed like Mike lit up a bit during the   
evening, and they ended up having a pretty nice evening. Except from being a bit tired you couldn’t tell that Mike was sick. And also the fact that he took three pills   
with his dinner. 

– SUITS –

The next day Mike and Harvey went to work together. Mike felt grateful towards Harvey. It had been great evening compared to his lonely day. They had stayed up pretty late, and thankfully Mike had fallen asleep pretty quick, and managed to avoid any dark thoughts that recently had popped up during the night. 

The day passed slowly but it felt pretty normal considering. Donna was very nice to him and gave him kind looks and brought him a sandwich. Harvey had told him that it was up to him to tell Donna, and he had advised him to do it pretty soon. He would. Soon. 

During the day he felt kind of good. Actually the best he had felt in days, if not weeks. It was kind of strange and it also made him a bit worried somehow. It felt like his body was playing a trick on him. Tricking him into feeling good and normal, which made him nervous that the illness would hit him hard later as some sort of revenge. 

The following days went by pretty quickly and mostly uneventful. He went to his place for the first time in a few days which went okay. He got a bit down during the evening and got pretty annoyed with himself that he had that much trouble to fall asleep. His mind kept wandering around in circles replaying events of the previous weeks, which wasn’t that pleasant to think about. He chose to just stay up really late and watch TV as a way of distracting himself. It didn’t really work out that well. But he got through the night. 

The next day he had a hospital visit again. He went there pretty late, so that he didn’t have to go back to the office after. He went alone this time, but Harvey offered to pick him up after he was done. This time around after a consultation with his doctor he was given stronger medication to quell the side effects a bit better. It kind of did, and compared to the last time he was doing better. He did throw up and felt very bad, but if he stayed as still as he could on Harvey’s couch he could manage. 

Harvey mostly left him alone, but did come to check up on him now and again. That night was not as good as the night before. He had nightmares and woke up sweaty and feeling like crap, chest hurting. He lay awake for a couple of hours not feeling good at all. He was thinking about calling out to Harvey, but didn’t. It wasn’t anything he could do about it anyway. Harvey would think he was weird. 

The next day he woke up with a tight feeling over his chest. During the day it didn’t ease up, it only got worse. It was like when he had ridden his bike, and couldn’t catch his breath. As the day progressed it starting to hurt more and more, and he had trouble concentrating on work because of the pain. It hurt so much that eventually he didn’t know what to do with himself. He had taken probably one too many pain pills, but it didn’t seem to be working. 

He decided to go over to Harvey’s office, because maybe it would get a bit better if he laid down. When he stood up he had to hold on to his desk to steady himself.   
He wanted to groan out in pain, but didn’t want the attention of the other associates. 

He made it over to Harvey’s office, and found that Donna was not at her desk. She was probably out for lunch, but Harvey was there. He looked absorbed in something on his laptop. He didn’t bother knocking just stepped inside and stumbled over to the couch. 

“What are you doing?” Harvey asked him and sounded pretty annoyed. He didn’t bother to answer him. It took a few moments but then Harvey seemed to realize that something was wrong with him, because he got up from his desk and went over to him. 

“What’s wrong Mike?” 

”My chest hurts.” 

”Okay.” Harvey paused and Mike glanced up at him. He actually did look a bit worried. “Have you taken something for it?” He asked. 

”Yeah, but it doesn’t help.” Mike whined. He kind of wished that Harvey would just fix it. 

”Do you think it serious?” Harvey asked. 

“I don’t know. It just hurts.” 

”All right. Why don’t you rest for a while? It will probably pass. Let the meds take effect.” 

“Okay.” 

He just laid there and waited. Not much happened, it didn’t really get better but not worse either. Harvey tried to get him talking, but he didn’t feel like answering, or concentrating on what Harvey was saying. He felt like he was sweating and his heart was pumping hard in his aching chest. 

“Hey, Mike? Sit up.” Harvey was saying all of a sudden. He was sitting next to him, trying to get his attention. “On three!” he was saying. Mike didn’t get why Harvey wanted him to sit up, but he nodded, and Harvey grabbed his shoulders and on three he was heaved upright. The pain that rushed through his chest was spitting, and then everything went dark. 

– SUITS –

“Shit!” Harvey swore as Mike went completely limp in his hands. He was too surprised to hold him up, so he collapsed back down on the couch. 

“Mike! Wake up! Mike!” He shock him a bit, and then lightly slapped his face. “Mike!” He was getting really nervous and decided to give the kid half a minute more   
before he called an ambulance. 

When Mike had laid down on his couch he had tried to get him involved in a conversation, but soon noticed that Mike wasn’t really following. He asked him if he felt   
better, but the kid didn’t respond. 

“All right, that’s it. We are going to the hospital.” Harvey decided then. He had went over to get the kid up and down to the car. He had called Ray already. But now   
Mike passed out. He called his name again and let out a deep breath in relief when Mike stirred and opened his eyes. He moaned and his hand went up to his chest. 

“Mike. I’m going to take you to the hospital right now. Can you sit up?” 

Mike blinked up against him a few time before he nodded a bit. He slowly helped him upright. The kid had a pained expression on his face and clenched his jaw   
tightly. They took it slow and Harvey found himself helping Mike to stand up by grabbing him under one of his armpit. He then steadied him by holding on to his arm. Mike was panting, and grabbed on to Harvey’s arm and held his chest with the other. 

“Good. Good.” Harvey encouraged him. ”Let’s go.” They made it down to the car without much problem. Ray was waiting for them with the car door opened for Mike. He looked concerned but didn’t ask anything. He just closed the door behind them and drove as effectively and quick as he could towards the hospital. 

Mike didn’t talk at all, just leaned back with closed eyes. Harvey watched him worriedly, and didn’t speak either. 

At the hospital Mike was quickly led away and Harvey had to go to the waiting room, where he sat down next to a woman with a baby in her lap. He waited for almost an hour before they called for the family of Mr. Ross. 

He followed a nurse to an opened area with beds with patients on almost every one of them. Mike was closest to the door. He was laying down, it looked like he was sleeping. He had a hospital gown on and was covered with a thin blanket. He was hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV. 

Harvey was told that the doctor would be there shortly and that he could wait with Mike until then. He found a plastic chair and sat down on it next to the bed. He didn’t really feel comfortable in the hospital environment. But now he had been in the hospital twice during the last week. He suspected that it was going to be a lot more of them in the future. 

It had been different to see Mike in so much pain. Difficult as well. The kid didn’t deserve it at all. Harvey didn’t like the fact that it was nothing that he could do to take Mike’s pain away. He started to hate this. 

“Hi!” Mike’s raspy voice surprised him, and he startled a little. Mike noticed this and smirked a bit. It made Harvey relax. If Mike could smile it meant that he was feeling better. 

“Hi. I thought you were sleeping.” 

“Nah… I can’t sleep here. It’s too loud.”

“It’s not so bad.” Harvey said and looked around. “If you can sleep on the floor in the filing room, this should be good enough for you.” 

“How did you know about that?” 

Harvey just raised an eyebrow at him. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“It doesn’t hurt so much anymore.” 

“That’s because you have been drugged up.” 

“Yeah… It’s awesome.” Mike slurred and closed his eyes. 

“Right.” Harvey sighed. 

The doctor came ten minutes later and explained that Mike’s symptoms was normal for this type of cancer since it often presented with pain. He told them that it was a possibility that this kind of attacks of pain would become normal, and explained how Mike could manage them and what they would need to look out for. Harvey just felt angry. Basically it sounded like it was nothing that they could do about the pain, Mike just would have to endure it. They were told that Mike was free to go after that. An hour later they were back at Harvey’s apartment. Harvey hadn’t even asked the kid if he wanted to come to his condo, but Mike hadn’t said anything so apparently he was fine with it. 

Mike seemed tired, and didn’t eat much at dinner. He asked if he could go and lay down before Harvey had finished his meal, and he was sleeping in the matter of minutes. 

During the next few days they kind of got into a routine. Mike went to his radiation and chemo treatment and after that he would stay at Harvey’s place and Harvey would help him out the best he could. The kid was subdued and quiet. Harvey found himself doing the best he could to cheer him up. He would joke and quote movies, and Mike would join in once in a while. 

At the office Harvey also did his best to help Mike out. The kid was holding his own pretty good, and getting his work done the best he could. Some of it was not of the same quality or done at the same speed as before the cancer but it was good enough to not get him into trouble, for example with Louis. Harvey discretely lessened his workload as well, but did it gradually so that Mike wouldn’t notice it to much. He knew that he would be pissed if he knew that Harvey was treating him differently. 

In fact he was treating him very differently. He knew that Mike needed him to do so now. Not that Mike would say anything, or ask him for it. On the opposite he seemed hesitant to ask for Harvey’s help at all. Like when he was ill from side effects, not once had he asked for help. But Harvey could see that he was grateful for the help that he provided. Grateful and embarrassed it seemed. He would often apologize, and Harvey tried to assure him he didn’t need to, but Mike continued. Harvey knew that one day they would have to talk about that, but so far it was alright. 

– SUITS –

For Mike things were going pretty good. He thought that he was able to handle the illness pretty well by now. He thought that he had accepted it more now. Sure it was hard to think about what it and what would happen as the illness progressed, but he had decided just take one day at the time. It was working pretty well. Much of it was thanks to Harvey he thought. Harvey seemed to have accepted it as well. Mike was aware of that Harvey had cut down on his workload, and he hadn’t said anything when Mike had missed a couple of deadlines. He didn’t think that Harvey knew that he knew that Harvey was cutting him slack, but he was very grateful for it, and had decided not to mention it. The truth was that he needed it, he needed more time to go through things now since he was going on hospital visits a lot now, and it made him sick which made him unable to focus. It was also the fact that he felt exhausted almost all the time. He slept as much as he could. 

He hadn’t told Donna what was going on yet. He felt really bad about that. He really had to tell her soon. He knew that she was aware of that everything wasn’t right with him, but she didn’t bring it up. She was incredible! She would bring him lunch, she came to check up on him once in a while or came just to deliver some files and stopped to talk with him for a while every time. He guessed that she was giving him opportunity after opportunity to tell her what was going on. He hoped that she wouldn’t stop doing that. Some days he felt really down and it was always nice to see her and talk to her a bit. 

He was feeling pretty okay most days. He was however very scared of the chest pains. It happened again two days after the first time. He felt that it was about to happen, since it felt exactly like the last time. It was the end of a pretty long work day and he had taken pain pills and went over to Harvey’s office. It was pretty late, so the floor was almost deserted. It was an awful two hours! He was in so much pain that he almost had started to cry. Thankfully he didn’t. Harvey had wanted to take him to the hospital again, but he manage to convince him that he didn’t need to. Harvey had been sitting next to him the whole time, something that helped a lot. Just the feeling of knowing that he wasn’t alone. Harvey had taking him back to his place when he felt better. He had fallen asleep almost instantly. He liked when that happened. He had come to really resent having to go to bed. He always felt really bad then, and had trouble falling asleep. 

He stayed again at Harvey’s place the next night. It turned out that it had been a very good thing that he did that. It was the worst night he had experienced since he got the cancer. They had stayed late at the office again, making Mike dead tired and Harvey suggested that he should just crash on the couch again, since Harvey didn’t trust him to even unlock his front door by himself at that point. 

He woke up on the couch from that his chest was hurting like a son of a bitch. It just got worse for every minute and he suddenly couldn’t stop himself from screaming out. 

– SUITS –

When Harvey first woke up he was confused. He didn’t know what had woken him. He laid still in his bed for a while, listening just to decide if he could go back to sleep again or not. But then he heard a faint scream coming from the living room. That was what had woken him. Was Mike screaming? He was up and hurrying towards the couch in seconds. Mike was laying there, panting and grasping the covers in tight fists. His face was converted in pain, eyes screwed shut, and he was whimpering now and then. Harvey went straight over to him and put a hand on his shoulder and gently shock him.

“Hi kid, Mike. What can I do?” he asked. Mike flinched violently at the contact and opened his eyes that was so laced with pain that Harvey almost flinched himself. Instead he tightened his grip on Mike’s shoulder. 

“Har...Har…vey...” he panted. “It…hur…hurts.” 

“Really, kid?” Mike groaned. “I’ll get you some painkillers.” He stood up, quickly went in search of Mikes bag with his meds. When he found next to the kitchen counter where the kid had dropped it, found the right box, he knew by now, it he took two pills out. He filled a glass of water and hurried back to Mike that were in the same   
position as he had left him. He sat down on the coffee table and held out the pills and water glass. 

“Mike, hey, sit up.” He didn’t get a response. “I have your meds here. You need to sit up.” Nothing except whimpering. “Mike, do you want me to help you take it?” he asked. And just as he was going to ask again Mike nodded into the pillow. Harvey awkwardly put the pills to Mike’s lips and pushed them in as he opened his mouth. He made no attempt to swallow so Harvey held up the glass of water to him and Mike turned his head towards it, and Harvey could see his muscles tensing as he tried to lift his head enough to drink. After hesitating a moment he took his hand behind Mikes head and lifted it for him enough so that he could swallow a few mouths full of water. He whispered a thanks and then closed his eyes again, waiting for the pills to take effect. Harvey sighed and made to get up, but Mike’s hand whipped out and grasped his pant leg. He could easily just removed his leg, but without a word he sat down again. He looked at Mike and tried to distinguish what that feeling in his chest was. Eventually he decided that it was sadness. He removed Mike’s hand from his pants and enclosed it in his own. They didn’t say anything else. Mikes breaths were short and quick. Now and then a few tears escaped from his shut his eyelids and he would moan quietly. After about an hour Mike’s grasp around Harvey’s hand relaxed, indicating he was finally asleep. Harvey carefully took Mike’s hand and placed it on the couch. Before he realized what he was doing he stroke the drying tears away from Mike’s cheeks. The poor kid. Harvey felt so helpless. This time Mike had been in so much pain that he couldn’t hold a glass by himself, and all he was able to do for him was to just sit there. But it had seemed like that had been enough for Mike. He hoped so. 

It was the third time this happened now. The first time they had gone to the hospital, and then the second time they had known what they were dealing with, and Mike hadn’t wanted to go. They couldn’t really do much for him there that Harvey couldn’t help him with here. Give him pain meds and then just wait it out. It seemed to be working pretty okay. It was not pleasant for either of them though, of course. He had a hard time to go back to his bed after that Mike had fallen asleep again. He felt pretty stressed out, but he was reluctant to leave Mike alone. Eventually he went back to his own bed. Hopefully the meds would cause Mike to not wake up again during the night. They both could use a good night sleep after that.


	9. Collapse

Mike not have a good night at all. The pain meds knocked him out eventually but the time until that happened had been agonizing. He hadn’t been able to control himself and that was something that really scared him. Nothing he had done had worked. And of course he remembered everything. That was almost just as bad as the physical pain. At least now when that was over, he probably wouldn’t have argued along the same lines that night. He woke up a couple of more times during the night. Harvey had not been there, but it didn’t really matter that much. He didn’t get so upset, and it didn’t hurt as much. He managed to go back to sleep pretty quickly every time. Harvey had been there when he really had needed him, and that was what counted. He had been sitting next to him, helping him with taking his meds and everything. Harvey had even let him hold his hand. Now when he thought back on it, it was so embarrassing. But, he rationalized, he hadn’t been able to control himself because of the pain, and he really had needed something to ground him. Something to hold on to that could steady him. That had been Harvey. He just had to face it, that this was his reality now. He wouldn’t be able to do this alone. He knew that now after last night. And Harvey was stepping up and helping him, so he should just be grateful. Which he was of course. But that did not mean that he ever wanted to talk about last night to anyone. 

He was still very tired when he woke up again in the morning. Harvey was in the kitchen, he could hear him cooking something. Coffee maybe. He shouldn’t drink coffee anymore, his doctor told him. Tea was alright. Yay. 

”You just going to lie there?” Harvey asked him. Mike had no idea how Harvey knew that he was awake.

“Yeah?” 

“Breakfast is ready. If you are up for it.” He added and came over to the couch and sat down by Mike’s feet, which was kind of weird. 

“Are you in any pain?” He asked. 

“Not really. I think I’m okay now.” 

Harvey nodded and looked at him for a long time. Eventually Mike broke the silence. “I’m okay now Harvey. But you know, thanks for last night.” He had to look away. 

”You don’t have to thank me for that. It was really bad kid.” 

“Yeah. It was. I was there.” 

”Really? Jokes?” 

”No. Sorry.”

Harvey shock his head at him, and took a sip from the coffee cup he had in his hand. 

“Mike, I wanted to ask you something about what happened yesterday.” 

“What?” What was going on? Harvey was hesitating, which absolutely was not something that he did. 

“When that…thing happens, what can I do?” 

Mike just stared at him. “What you can do?”

“Yes! How can I help? What do you want me to do? How do I help you the best?”

Mike couldn’t believe what was coming from Harvey’s mouth. He was asking him how he could help him in the best way. He hardly didn’t remember when anyone had   
done that for him the last time. And now, here Harvey was, asking how to help him. Harvey! He felt his eyes starting to burn. He could not cry now!

”Mike?” Harvey said quietly. 

”I don’t know.” He whispered. ”What you did yesterday…that…that was…” he didn’t know what he was saying. “That was good.” 

Harvey nodded, probably sensing Mike’s state. “Okay kid.” Was all he said then stood up and walked back into the kitchen. 

”Get up! You have toast, tea and pills over here. It’s getting cold.” 

– SUITS –

Harvey could see that Mike clearly was embarrassed about the night before. He didn’t want the kid to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, but he wasn’t really sure on   
how to convey that to Mike. Last night had been uncomfortable for both of them. Mike had been in so much pain that he couldn’t help how he reacted, and Harvey, he was out on treacherous waters. He had never been in this situation before, having someone else totally depending on him like Mike had last night. But he had to admit to himself, that when he saw Mike like that, all he had wanted to do was to help him. 

Harvey really believed that they would be fine. He would learn how to deal with Mike. He felt prepared to do it. He knew Mike would have done the same for him in a heartbeat. However he wasn’t sure if Mike knew this. He would have to tell him that, but not at this moment. It didn’t seem like Mike was that keen on talking about things at the moment. They had time to do that later. Right now they would have breakfast. One thing at the time was a reasonable approach to the situation. 

Mike seemed relieved that Harvey didn’t bring last night up again. Harvey had noticed that he almost had started to cry before, he was thankful that he didn’t.   
They had breakfast after that. Harvey forced Mike to eat two toasted bread slices and drink all his tea. “Or I will tell Donna on you.” He had threatened. 

“Oh come on Harvey!” Mike said defensively “You said that I could tell her when I felt it was right.”

“Mike I didn’t mean…” He was interrupted. 

”I am going to tell her soon. Maybe today.”

“Okay. That’s good. There is no pressure Mike. It is your decision.” 

”Yeah it is!” 

”Fine!” Harvey said and raised his hands in the air. “Are you good to go? Are you going to wear that?” He looked questioningly at Mike’s suit. It didn’t suit him that well   
at all. It looked like it was a size too big on him. 

“What? This is my best one!” 

“You should get new ones.” 

“Sure,” Mike growled. “I will do it after my next chemo session. Maybe I can ask them to move the time so that I can get to the store before they close.” 

“Wow… someone is in a bad mood here.” 

Mike stood up and went over to the sink with his tea cup and slammed it down in it. “Do you want to go or what?” 

“I can’t wait.” Harvey said sarcastically and followed him to the door. He thought it best to maybe leave Mike alone for a while. He was obviously not in a joking mood. 

He watched Mike discreetly in the car on their way to the office. He sat there and stared out the window, pretending that Harvey wasn’t there. He hadn’t asked if the kid felt alright or not. Was he in pain? It didn’t look like he was and he had said that he wasn’t. Harvey didn’t know if it was wise to bring the kid to work just after that   
bad night he had. On the other hand he didn’t think he would be able to convince Mike to stay home another day. The kid wanted some kind of normalcy and he could understand that, and was prepared to give it to him. As much as it was possible, and as long it was possible. 

When they got to the office Harvey suggested that Mike would work in his office. Mike glared at him and then left. Harvey sighed and sat down. If things had been   
different he would have yelled at Mike for just walking off like that. But then a few minutes later the kid appeared again and sat down on his couch and started to   
spread out his work on the table. When he looked up at Harvey, Harvey nodded towards him. 

He got up and sat down on the chair next to him. “You want me to fill you in on the latest developments of the case?” he asked.

– SUITS –

They were working on a case that required a lot of research which Mike was working on. He wasn’t really up to speed about the case since he had been a bit   
preoccupied lately. He was reading up on the company both trough files and by surfing the web. They had been at it for a few hours now. He didn’t really feel good   
though. He hadn’t said anything to Harvey. He would probably just tell him to go home. 

It had started like just half an hour into the workday, which really sucked. He felt sweaty and weird. It was like the room was spinning or moving around, even though   
that he concentrated on sitting as still as he could. Everything felt heavy as well, every movement he made was tiring. Even lifting his hands to grab another file. It was   
only his body though, he didn’t feel especially tired otherwise. Like wanting-to-go-to-sleep tired. It was more like his body was draining of energy, like he had just   
done a two hour workout or something, which he obviously hadn’t. 

He was aware of that Harvey was watching him closely. He found it both annoying and awkward. He didn’t want Harvey to treat him any differently from before. He   
didn’t want Harvey to think he was weak. That was probably too late now though, last night was one example. He hadn’t been able to contain his pain at all. He had   
been crying from it for god’s sake!

As time passed he felt worse and worse. He was sweating and felt like the room was spinning even more than before. He felt just like you do when you just stepped   
off a carrousel. That feeling was very weird since he was sitting still on the couch. He needed to get out of here. He told Harvey that with a strained voice. Since when   
did it cost this much to talk?

He forced himself to get up from the couch but since Harvey was blocking the closest path to the door he opted for going behind it. He really needed to get out of   
here now! He didn’t get very far. Mike staggered a few steps forward and as he did, he felt that it was no way that he would be able to keep himself standing much   
longer. It was like all his strength just had drained from his body. He was going down, there was nothing he could do to stop it. But of course he did try as he throw   
his arm out to grab something, anything. That happened to be the shelf’s with Harvey’s record collection. His hand caught the top of the records, but did nothing to   
stop his decent and as he went down a whole bunch of them followed him and rained down on him. He found himself on his stomach behind Harvey’s couch, and he   
couldn’t breathe. The force of the fall didn’t help. 

“Mike!” Harvey called his name and was suddenly next to his head. “What’s going on? What are you doing?” Harvey grabbed him and dragged him out on the floor and   
turned him on his back. He tried to get up again but his body wouldn’t cooperate at all, he tried to grip something that would help him, but nothing was within reach. 

“Hey! Mike!” Harvey shock his shoulder. “What’s wrong?” 

Mike wanted to answer, he knew he should, but at this moment he couldn’t. He just laid there staring up into the ceiling while he tried to catch his breath. His heart   
was beating hard in his chest. He thought that he emitted some kind of sound, but it probably didn’t help Harvey to understand what was wrong with him. 

“Mike! Kid, what is going on? Can you breathe alright? Do you need an ambulance? Donna!” He screamed her name as he turned away from Mike and waved at her. He   
kept one hand on Mike’s shoulder. 

Then Donna’s worried face came into his view, she was talking on the phone. Harvey’s hand moved to the side of his face. He still couldn’t catch his breath, and he   
found that it was hard to focus on what Harvey was saying. He tried to meet his gaze. Harvey looked worried. He had never seen him look like this before. He wanted   
badly to say something, get Harvey to just help him, but when he did try it just got harder to breath and Harvey shock his head and said something about not talking.   
So he stopped trying. Better to focus on the breathing for now. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed and he wasn’t really aware of much, but suddenly Harvey’s hand disappeared and was replaced with other hands. A mask   
was placed at his face and he was lifted up from the floor onto something softer. A gurney, he realized, and the people talking over his head were paramedics. Well,   
this is embarrassing was his last thought before everything around him faded out into darkness. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was deep into reading and had just nodded absentmindedly when Mike announced that he needed to go. He didn’t look up from the papers in front of him   
until he heard a thud and saw Mike tearing down his records. Everything happened very quickly after that. His immediate reaction was anger towards Mike for   
touching his records and now apparently throwing them on the ground, but then the realization hit him that this was something serious. Mike was in trouble! He   
quickly got up and fell down hard on his knees next to Mike who was lying face down on the ground next to the couch. He pushed a few records out of the way and   
grabbed the younger man by his armpits and dragged him further out on the floor and turned him so that he was on his back. Mike made no attempts of helping or   
even acknowledge what Harvey was doing. He was panting and his eyes were unfocused staring up at nothing. His face was flushed and his hands were moving   
around as if he tried to hold on to something. Harvey shouted his name but didn’t get a respond. In fact Mike didn’t respond to anything he did which was extremely   
worrisome. He just moaned a bit. Harvey yelled for Donna and heard her coming instantly hearing the desperation in his voice. 

“What’s happening Harvey? Oh my god, what’s wrong with him?” 

“Just call an ambulance Donna, get them here now! He can’t breathe.” His voice came out sounding way calmer then he felt, but Donna did what he asked and he   
moved his hand to Mike’s face. 

“You are going to be fine Mike. Just breathe. Help is coming. Okay?” Mike didn’t respond and Harvey felt scared. It was a feeling he was not used to at all. He could   
almost count on one hand the times he truly had felt scared. And this was now one of them. Was Mike dying? Something was going on with his heart. What if it   
stopped? What would he do then? He had no idea. He kept talking soothingly to Mike even though he didn’t think that Mike was aware of what he was saying. He was   
staring unseeingly up towards the ceiling. But then he looked like he was trying to speak, and he drew a raspy breath as his face turned even redder. Harvey shook his   
head.

“No Mike, no. Don’t try to talk kid. Don’t talk for once okay.” And Mike stopped. Maybe he could hear him after all? He continued to talk to him, keeping all his focus   
on Mike. He told him to keep breathing, to lie still, that it would be alright and that he didn’t have to worry. He had no idea if that was true. He so hoped it was. He   
didn’t know how much time had passed when the paramedics eventually arrived. He knew that Donna was there, she had tried to ask him a few times what was going   
on, but he couldn’t answer her. Mike needed him more. It felt like hours of waiting, but he guessed that it was probably just minutes while the paramedics worked on   
him. 

Mike passed out soon after he was settled on a gurney, as if he then allowed himself to relax. Harvey followed them all into the elevator after telling Donna that he   
would call her later. He was aware of her standing next to the closing elevator doors watching them with shiny eyes. Would he have to tell Donna what was going on   
with Mike now, even though it was against Mike’s wishes? She deserved to know and he really didn’t like hiding this from her. But it had to wait. Right now his only   
priority was Mike. 

– SUITS –

Mike woke up in a daze. He had no idea of what was going on or where he was. He seemed to be in a cramped warm place. It felt like he was moving, even though he   
was laying down. It really scared him not knowing where he was. He felt too hot and dizzy and something was covering his mouth. He made an attempt to lift his arms   
to remove it, but hands grabbed his arms and held them down. He tugged against them and tried to scream. He was hurting and he didn’t know what was happening.   
Where was he? Shapes of people were next to him, and more than one someone was talking. Maybe to him? Then a hand came and took hold of the side of his head   
and turned it to the side. He tried to resist, but couldn’t. Then he found himself face to face with Harvey. Harvey was there! Harvey had his hand on his face, and his   
arm, and Harvey was talking to him. 

“…calm down now. You are in an ambulance Mike. You are okay. You are going to be okay, but you have to relax.” He was saying. Mike thought that he was nodding.   
Everything was okay. They were in an ambulance. He briefly felt stupid for not realizing that sooner. He did his best to calm down. It was hard at first, but he was so   
tired. He wished that Harvey would let go of his face now. He wanted to sleep. He wasn’t even aware if Harvey had let go or not when he passed out again. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had never been in an ambulance before. It was not what he expected. He had expected it to be hectic and bumpy, but it was kind of like sitting on a small bus.   
Sure it was hectic for a while, when Mike woke up totally unaware of where he was or what was going on, but the paramedics handled everything very professionally   
he had to admit. One of them injected something in Mike’s arm and the kid fell asleep, or passed out from it. The young paramedic explained everything he was   
doing while he looked after Mike. There had been an urgency between them at first, but it settled down as they got into the ambulance. They assured Harvey that   
Mike was okay for the moment. 

Harvey didn’t think that he had been okay. Harvey was sitting on a bench next to the kid as they were rushing through the streets of New York. Mike had suddenly   
groaned and opened his eyes. He seemed confused and tried to sit up or something, but couldn’t since he was strapped to the gurney. He hadn’t liked that, and was   
panting and moving around as much as he could. Both Harvey and the paramedic had to hold him down. It kind of scared Harvey, he had never seen Mike like this.   
The kid didn’t respond at all when he tried to talk to him. It was like he couldn’t hear him. Eventually Harvey had let go of his arm and grabbed Mike’s sweaty face and   
leaned in over him to talk to him. At first he didn’t get any response but then he saw how recognition returned to Mike’s eyes, and he nodded in his grasp. 

Harvey shakily let go when Mike’s eyes closed and the tension disappeared from his body. He absentmindedly wiped his hands on his trousers. 

“He is stable. You don’t have to worry.” He paramedic next to him said. “We are almost there.” 

Harvey just nodded. 

“Has this happened before?” 

“No, it’s the first time.”

It was the others turn to nod. “It’s tough.” He said. They didn’t speak much more during the few minutes it took them to the hospital. A small medical team was   
waiting for them when they arrived and Harvey followed them in as they pushed Mike through a corridor and in through the double doors to the ER. He was stopped   
after that, and Mike disappeared from his view. He was told to wait in the waiting room and someone would contact him when they had more information about   
Mike’s condition. 

For a while he was just standing there staring at the doors that Mike had vanished through. But when he saw a nurse making his way towards him he collected himself   
and went to sit down on a bench. Harvey took a few deep breaths. It was not that crowded in the waiting room, only a few other people were waiting for their loved   
ones. He hoped he wouldn’t have to wait that long. This was not a place for him. He felt out of place among the families with young kids, a few older couples and two   
teenagers that looked like they were in a bad place. 

He was worried about Mike. Of course he was. It had looked really bad back in the office and in the ambulance. The way Mike just fell down behind the couch and   
were unresponsive in a second. They had just been working quietly in his office when Mike suddenly got up from the couch then everything was just chaos. He hadn’t really realized how serious Mike’s condition until now, in the waiting room of the ER. Mike was actually seriously ill. Of course he had known that before, but now he had witnessed it first hand, and it made everything seem much more real. 

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He fished it up and saw that it was Donna calling him. He declined it. He couldn’t talk to her yet. He didn’t even know what to   
say. He didn’t know how Mike was doing yet. But she didn’t even know about Mike’s cancer. After a minute he sent her a text, telling her that he would call her as   
soon as he knew something about Mike. He knew that she would wait until he did. It was better that way. He wanted her to know. He would have to force Mike to tell   
her now, soon. It wasn’t fair to keep her in the dark. And if Harvey was honest, he wanted her to know for himself too. He wanted to confide in her, talk to her about   
it. He couldn’t really talk to Mike about it yet. He couldn’t voice all his thoughts to Mike, the way he knew that he could do with Donna. Hopefully Mike would tell her   
soon. Now she knew that something was wrong, so she wouldn’t leave him alone anyway. Harvey smirked to himself at the thought of Mike trying to hide this from Donna. Good luck kid! 

Harvey was alone with his thoughts for almost two hours without any news from Mike. Twice he had went up to the reception and tried to get some info from them.   
He had no idea on how long it could take to help the kid get better. But two hours later some nurse came up to him and asked him if he was there for Michael Ross.   
He followed her down the hall where she left him to wait a bit more. A doctor came up to him a few minutes later. She introduced herself and they shock hands. 

“How is Mike?” Harvey asked as soon as she let go of his hand. 

”Mike is stable and resting at the moment. He is a sleep.”

“What happened? Why did he collapse like that?” Harvey asked her. 

“Well, basically what happened was that Mike’s heart wasn’t able to transport enough oxygen that he needed which caused him to collapse.” 

Harvey nodded. “Alright, that doesn’t sound that serious. So he will be okay?”

“At this point he was lucky, so it was not so serious this time. We have him on some painkillers as well, as he was in quite a lot of pain. Would you like to sit with him?”

“Yeah, sure.”

They walked down a hallway, passing different rooms. The doctor stopped outside room 324 and turned to Harvey. “Just keep him relaxed, he might be a bit groggy   
and in pain. We are monitoring his heart closely but if anything seems to be wrong or if you have any questions, just press the call button.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Harvey said. ”How long are you keeping him?”

“At least until tomorrow.” 

The doctor left after that and Harvey went into Mike’s room. Mike had gotten his own room, which apparently was rare. It was a small room with only room for a bed   
and a chair in the corner. Mike was lying flat on his back with a sheet over him. He had an IV in his arm, a nasal cannula attached to his face he was also connected to   
a heart monitor that was beeping rhythmically. Mike looked so small where he was lying on the bed, and for the first time Harvey thought that he really looked like he   
was sick. His hair was plastered against his forehead messily, he was pale but had dark circles under his eyes. The nasal cannula didn’t help making him look any   
better. He really looked like a little kid on the bed, not at all like the grown man he claimed to be. With a heavy heart Harvey sat down quietly next to the bed. He   
didn’t want Mike to wake up. He probably needed to sleep. And Harvey didn’t want him to wake up and be in pain. He had had enough of that the other night. He   
should ask the doctor about that by the way. That couldn’t be normal. 

He watched the kid sleep for a while but soon became bored. He didn’t feel like sitting there dwelling on bad things that he seemed to think about more and more   
these days. It was things that he really couldn’t do anything about. It was not like him to think like that. He always found it unnecessary to think about things he   
couldn’t do anything about, what was the point about that anyway? But now, at this moment, he had a hard time avoiding it. He wished the kid would woke up   
already. 

It happened about two hours later. By then Harvey was extremely bored, a nurse had been by twice and the doctor once. Harvey had been texting a bit with Jessica   
and a client, sent out three e-mails and cancelled an appointment for the same evening. 

He saw that Mike was stirring and put his phone away. Mike’s eyes opened slowly and a blinked a few times. Harvey thought for a moment that he would go back to   
sleep, but his eyes stayed open as he stared unseeingly up at the ceiling. 

“Hi Mike.” He said, causing the kid to jerk in the bed and slowly turn his head to look at Harvey. He was only managing to keep his eyes open half way. 

“Hey…” Mike rasped. His eyes closed fluttered shut and he struggled to open them again. 

“Are you okay? How are you doing?” 

“Yeah…I think so.” He whispered. “I’m tired.” 

“Yeah I can see that. You in pain?” 

Mike just shook his head. 

“You put on quite a show before kid.” 

That apparently got Mike to wake up a bit more. He forced his eyes opened and glanced around in the room. “We in the hospital?” he asked. 

“Yep.” 

“What happened? What’s going on?”

Harvey glanced at the heart monitor as the beeping started to speed up. 

“You are fine. Your heart just got a bit tired that’s all.”

Mike just stared at him with wide eyes. 

“Your heart had some kind of episode where it couldn’t pump around enough oxygen, hence causing you to pass out. 

Mike still stared at him with a confused look. 

“You are fine now. Calm down.” 

A nurse stepped in to the room. She quickly went up to Mike’s bed, just in time to stop him from fingering the nasal cannula. She was talking quietly to him, and Harvey got up from the chair to give the kid some privacy while he was checked over. The doctor arrive shortly after that. She explained everything to Mike and   
answered his questions. Mike drifted off to sleep again after that, to Harvey’s annoyance. 

– SUITS –

Mike had no idea on how much time had passed when he woke up again. He felt groggy and sore, but wasn’t really in any kind of pain which he was thankful for. He   
opened his eyes and noticed it was a bit darker in the room. He glanced to the side and was surprised to see Harvey sitting on a chair next to his bed. He was looking at his phone and hadn’t noticed that he was awake. He hadn’t expected Harvey to still be there. He remembered the last time he woke up and Harvey had been there then too. 

“Hey Harvey.” He said. 

Harvey looked up from his phone and then put it away. “Hi. Finally you are awake. I was wondering how long you could sleep really. I was starting to think you are   
taking advantage of the situation here.”

“What?”

Harvey shrugged and smirked a bit. “Are you lucid now?” 

“What? When was I not?”

“When are you?”

“What?” This whole conversation was confusing to him.

“Don’t strain yourself.” Harvey said. “You are fine.” 

Mike sank back into the pillows and closed his eyes again. He was so tired. “Whatever.” He said. 

“Come on, don’t fall asleep again.”

“I’m not sleeping. I’m resting my eyes. There is a difference.” 

“That’s the best you got?” Harvey mocked him. 

“Give me a break, I am not a hundred percent at the moment.”

“Yeah… I know.” Harvey said so quietly so that Mike had to open his eyes and look at him. They met each other’s eyes. 

“Thanks for staying here Harvey.” Mike told him just as quietly. The older man nodded. They were quiet for a while and Mike almost fell back to sleep again. He didn’t   
know why he was so tired. The nurse from earlier had told him that he had been sleeping for hours already. 

“So,” Harvey said suddenly. “You passed out in the office.” 

Mike was a bit surprised. “Yes.” 

“Donna is really worried about you.” 

Mike nodded. He knew what Harvey meant. “I will tell her.” 

“Might be a good idea. You might want to tell Jessica as well soon. She knows that you collapsed and that I’m here with you.” 

“You told her?”

“I told her just that, that you collapsed and that we are in the hospital. But she would have found out anyway. The whole office probably know by now.”

Mike groaned. 

Harvey stayed for an hour longer. He bullied him into eating something for dinner and went on about how he needed the energy. He got Mike the remote for the TV   
when he asked for it, but then took it from him, since he thought Mike’s choices on what to watch were stupid. 

Mike groaned when Harvey threw the remote on his stomach. Harvey stood up and announced that it was late. 

“What! No, it’s not.” Mike argued. He had been waiting for this. 

“Yes it is. I’m heading back to the office for a while, and then I’ll head home. You are staying here.” He strictly told Mike. 

“Oh come on. I can go home now. I don’t feel that bad.”

“You are staying, end of the discussion.” Harvey picked up his discarded suit jacket and locked eyes with Mike. “They said that you probably leave tomorrow, I’ll see   
you then.” 

Mike wanted to stop him, and his brain worked harder than it had been doing all day to figure out a reason for Harvey to stay. “Harvey, wait…” didn’t help. 

Harvey stopped in the door way and held up his phone and waved it in the air a bit. “You call if you need to.” And with that he was out the door. Mike that had been   
sitting up slumped back down on the bed. The door closed behind Harvey and he was alone in his hospital room. He dreaded the fact that he now had hours and   
hours to spend here alone. He actually didn’t feel that bad physically and he didn’t understand why he just couldn’t go home. But he knew that he had to stay. He just   
wished he didn’t have to do it alone. If only he had someone to call. As it was now, Harvey was the only person who even knew that he was here. And besides, he didn’t have anyone to call. He picked up the remote to see if he might be able to distract himself as he felt all those bad thoughts coming to him. They started to feel familiar. 

His night was not a pleasant one. Now when it would have been a good time for it, he wasn’t able to sleep. He figured he got a few hours, but most of the night he   
spent trying to not think about how bad he felt. How lonely he was. How much he wished he could leave. How much he missed his grandmother. A nurse offered to   
keep him company for a while, which he thankfully accepted. She sat in the chair for half an hour and talked about her daughter that was starting collage. But then   
she was called away again, and he was left alone again. He spent about an hour debating with himself on whether he should call Harvey or not. In the end he didn’t. 

After an early breakfast he got a visit from Dr. Lundin, who talked with him for some time. They went through his symptoms and how it had felt when he collapsed the   
day before. 

Harvey came to pick him up while the doctor was still there, and Mike was told that he was allowed to leave, but had to take it easy for a few days. As if he didn’t do   
that otherwise, now a days. He was left alone to change while Harvey stepped out into the hallway and talked to the doctor. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was glad that Mike’s doctor was there when he got to the hospital to pick the kid up. It got him the opportunity to ask some questions. The answers he got   
was not really comforting, but it seemed like Mike was okay for now. The kid seemed subdued and didn’t say much as they left the hospital. 

“You want to go home, or to the office?” he asked, and wasn’t surprised when Mike told him he wanted to come with him to the office. 

As Mike tried to sneak away to his cubicle Harvey stopped him. “You are working in my office. I’m going to keep an eye on you.” When Mike started to argue he just   
told him “doctor’s orders.” 

He could hear the kid following him down the corridor. “Doctor’s orders.” He mumbled. “You made that up, didn’t you. I’m fine.” Harvey glared at him over his   
shoulder. “Okay! At least I’m perfectly capable of working at my own desk.” 

As they turned the corner and his office came into view Donna came walking towards them. She totally ignored Harvey and only had her eyes set on Mike. 

“Mike, sweetie! How are you doing?” She came up to him, and clearly surprised him by pulling him into a hug. Harvey noticed that he stiffened for a bit, before he   
returned it. Harvey awkwardly stood next to them, until Donna let go of the kid. She kept her hands on Mike’s arms as she studied him carefully. “Are you okay?” she   
questioned. Harvey watched Mike closely and saw emotions play on the kids face. He didn’t say anything for a long time, and Harvey could see that Donna was getting   
more and more worried. 

“Mike?” He said eventually. It caused the kid to shudder in Donnas grasp before he looked her into her eyes and shook his head. “No…” He whispered. Suddenly he   
squirmed in her grasp and tried to move away, but Donna was stronger than the kid. Both Harvey and Donna could see tears start to form in his eyes. “Donna, let   
go…” He whined. 

“Mike, honey? What’s wrong?” Donna drew him closer to her. He was still trying to resist her. 

“No…Nothing…” He turned desperate eyes to Harvey. “I can’t.”

Harvey sighed. “Mike…” was all he said. And at his tone Mike almost collapse. His knees seemed to fold under him, and if Harvey hadn’t steadied him, he would have   
ended up on the floor. Both Donna and Harvey were there next to him, holding one arm each. 

“Mike? Hey? You okay?” Harvey asked, and tried to make eye contact with the younger man. Mike seemed to collect himself, because he steadied himself and Harvey   
let go of him. So did Donna. She hadn’t said anything, just watched Mike closely. 

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” Mike said and his face started to turn red. 

“It’s okay, kid.” Harvey said gently. “What do you want to do?” he asked Mike. Both of them knowing what it meant. Mike glanced quickly over to Donna, something   
she caught on immediately. 

“What is going on here? Mike…” She said kindly. “Mike I know that something is very wrong here.” 

Mike nodded. “Yeah I know.” He said. “I’ll tell you Donna.” 

“Thank you.” She most have sensed what how much that meant to Mike. She didn’t press him more. She just waited. Mike was still standing there nodding, so Harvey   
decided to act. 

“Why don’t you use my office?” He suggested and pushed Mike gently in through the door. “I’ll be in the…” he didn’t know where to go now! “I’ll be back later.” He   
finished. Donna caught his eyes and looked questioningly at him with a raised eyebrow. He gave her a nod, and then turned around and walked away from them. At   
the end of the hall he stopped and looked back. Donna was sitting next to Mike on the couch. Close enough so that she could reach out to him, if she needed to, but   
not too close for him to feel trapped. Mike was sitting slumped with his head down. It looked like both of them where waiting for the other to start.


	10. Donna

Mike knew that this conversation would be hard. Maybe even harder than telling Harvey. With Harvey he hadn’t know how the other man would react, but he had a feeling he knew how Donna would react. She would be compassionate and genuinely nice to him, and that was what scared him. He was going to break down. He knew he would. He had become so emotional lately, and was often close to tears, no matter how much he wished that he wouldn’t get effected by some things. But this had to be done. He had to have this conversation with her. She deserved to know. He didn’t know if he could consider her a friend, he guessed he could. What else was she? They were close for sure, but were they friends? 

“Mike? Are you doing okay?” Donna’s soft question interrupted his thoughts and he realized that they were seated next to each other on Harvey’s couch. Harvey himself was nowhere to be seen. He was aware of that he was just sitting there staring down at the floor while she was waiting for him to start. But how?   
He looked into her eyes. She was smiling a little, waiting. 

“I…I’m not doing well.” He said lamely. 

“Yeah Mike, I figured that much after yesterday.” 

When he didn’t continue she added “You want to tell me what’s going on with you now?”

He nodded, feeling tears building up already. 

“It’s…It’s my heart Donna.” He paused a bit to draw a few breaths. “I have cancer.” He whispered, not looking at her. She gasped. 

”You have cancer?”

”Yeah…” He slowly looked up and met her eyes. She looked more shocked than he ever had seen her. One of her hands was covering her mouth. She then slowly reached out a hand towards him and put it at his arm. 

“Oh Mike…” she whispered. He couldn’t look at her anymore so he settled for looking at her hand on his arm. “Sweetie…”

He wanted to leave! He didn’t want her to be nice to him. He couldn’t take that. Not now. He also couldn’t stop moving his leg nervously. But he couldn’t leave, he knew that. He felt Donna carefully put her other hand on his cheek and turn his head towards her.

“Mike…”She still whispered so quiet that he almost couldn’t hear her. “I’m so sorry sweetie.” 

Mike breathed deeply, and nodded. He bit his lip to stop himself from crying, but felt that the tears would fall like the next time he blinked. When had he started to tremble? 

“It’s heart cancer. I have cancer in my heart Donna.” He told her. He finally looked into her eyes, and almost flinched when he saw tears in her eyes. 

“Come here.” She mumbled and put her arms around his shoulders the best she could and drew him towards her. That’s when he let his tears fall, and he just let her   
maneuver him so that he could lean into her. He didn’t know when she had managed to push her hair away, so he wouldn’t get it in his face. At first he didn’t return her embrace, just leaned towards her with his head against her shoulder, trying with all he had to not break apart. But she didn’t make it easy for him. 

“I’m so sorry Mike, I’m so sorry. Oh honey…” she whispered in his ear. “I’m here, I’m here Mike. It’s okay.” He started crying then, it was too big of an effort to hold it back. At least he managed to do it silently. It felt kind of good to let it out, and for a moment he wished he could just stay like this. It felt safe. 

So he brought his arms up and hugged her back. He let himself just sink into her arms. He was aware of that he was making her dress wet from his tears but he didn’t care. He thought she wouldn’t either. This woman was amazing. She just let him cry on her shoulder, she made no attempts of quieting him down. He suspected for a while that she was crying too. It made him feel even worse. He was making her cry. She continued to talk softly to him the whole time, telling him that he didn’t have to worry, that she knew now, and that everything would be okay. He wanted so desperately to believe her. 

“Mike, how long have you known about this?” She asked him when he had calmed down enough for him to sit up a bit straighter. A few minutes later they were leaning back on the couch, Donna had her arm around him, and he was slouched down to be able to fit better next to her. He was leaning his head next to hers. He felt exhausted, both physically and emotionally. He didn’t really know why he would get so upset from telling her about it. 

“Mike?” Donna demanded.

“About three weeks now, more or less…”

“That long!” she gasped. “I have no idea how you could keep this from me for three weeks!.”

“Sorry, I wanted to tell you Donna, I swear. I just… I just couldn’t. I even didn’t tell Harvey right away.” He rambled, not wanting her to be upset with him. 

“Stop Mike. I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I…I should have known that something wasn’t right with you. I’m sorry too.”

“Don’t be.” He mumbled. He didn’t know what else to say now. He just decided to leave it up to her, which she didn’t seem to mind. 

“I knew that something was wrong Mike, especially after yesterday, the way you collapsed…” She hugged him tighter to her. “I never expected it to be this bad Mike.   
What are they saying?”

”It’s not so good.” 

She laughed a little at that. 

”Of course not. But they are treating you?”

“Yeah.” 

She continued to ask him about treatment, medication, and side effects, how he was feeling and a bunch of other questions, which he dutifully answered as honestly   
as he could.

“Are you in pain?” 

“Yeah… sometimes.”

“Are you in pain now?” she asked worriedly.

“No, not now Donna. You don’t have to worry. It’s not that bad you know. That’s why I didn’t tell you before, I didn’t want you to worry. I’m managing on my own.”

That last part was not exactly true lately. He wished it was though, somehow. Donna straightened up a bit on the couch. He could felt her body tense up next to him.   
He wondered why, when she suddenly cursed worse than he ever heard her do. He leaned away from her, suddenly afraid that she was mad at him for some reason, it   
really sounded like she was. 

“What?” He said. 

”What the hell are you talking about, it is not so bad?! Mike, we are talking cancer here!”

“I know…”

“Then I don’t understand how you can say that, and to tell me not to worry? Of course I will worry.”

“Donna…”

“Don’t interrupt me Mike. You don’t get to down play this! It’s cancer. I deserve to know, I am your friend, and you do this. You didn’t tell me, because you didn’t want   
me to worry, you didn’t tell me, because you think that I wouldn’t worry enough, you were afraid how I was going to react. The same with Harvey. Isn’t that right?”

Mike just stared at her. He started to shake his head, but she wasn’t finished. “You don’t trust us to have your back Mike. That is hurtful, after all we have been   
through with you. For you.” 

Mike felt tears start to reappear again. What was she saying? Was she right? Of course she was! He felt guilt running through him and settle in his chest. He never   
thought that she would think that he didn’t tell her because he didn’t trust her. Was that was Harvey was thinking as well? That Mike didn’t trust him? Oh god, what   
was he going to do now? What was Donna going to do? 

”Donna, I’m sorry.” He started in a desperate move to calm her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that at all. I trust you! I do. I’m sorry.”

She had removed her arm from behind him. He felt as if he had a hole in the middle of his chest that was growing the longer she was quiet. But then she brought up   
her hands to her mouth and covered it. Her eyes shining. 

“Oh Mike.” She whispered. They looked at each other.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” Mike whispered. He didn’t think that he would be able to handle it if she was. But as he looked into her eyes he didn’t see anger there. 

Her hands found both of his. “I’m not mad at you Mike. I didn’t mean to blame you for anything. I know how hard this must be for you. I’m so sorry.. I’m so sorry if I   
made you feel worse just now. I didn’t think.” She paused for a moment. “You don’t deserve this Mike.”

Mike looked away, and stared down at their intertwined hands. He slowly removed his hands from hers. 

“But what if I do?” he quietly asked her. “What if I do deserve it? All I have done? I have not exactly made that many good decisions…”

“Mike what are you talking about? Of course you don’t deserve this!” She tried to reach out to him again, but he didn’t let her.

He looked up at her again. “But I’m a fraud.” He whispered. 

He hadn’t thought that he would ever say it out loud. He had had the thought a million times probably by now. That just what if he just got what he deserved now. He   
had been thinking it. Because it was true. Wasn’t it? He had made a bunch of bad decisions, one after another. He had let people down, people that cared for him. Like   
his grandmother. Probably his parents too. He didn’t think that they would approve of many of the choices he had made for himself. He was a fraud after all. He was   
breaking the law every day. The law that he claimed that he loved. Maybe this was the way that he got punished for it. That though had crossed his mind many times   
in the last few weeks. He just didn’t think that he would end up admitting it to Donna. As he looked into her eyes he could see the emotion play in them before she   
drew a deep breath to answer him. She looked so sad. She looked like she wanted to reach out to him again, but she didn’t.

“Mike…You are a good person. You are the kindest most caring person in this whole building, and sweetie, I need you to trust me when I’m telling you that you don’t deserve this. Fraud or not.” 

He looked in her eyes and wanted to believe her so badly it hurt. He felt himself starting to shake. 

“Do you understand Mike?” She whispered and finally put her hand on his arm and stroke it. He didn’t know what to say anymore. “Mike!” He flinched and tensed. She   
immediately noticed and moved a bit closer to him. 

”I need you to say that you understand what I’m telling you. You don’t deserve this at all.” 

He nodded towards her. He couldn’t do anything else. His heart was aching. 

”It’s going to be fine Mike. You know why?”

He shook his head.

“Because I’m going to make sure of it. I’m going to help you, as will Harvey. We will get you through this. It is going to be fine.” She soothed him. Tears were trailing   
down his cheeks again and she put her arms around him and pulled him close. He found himself crying against her again. She continued to reassure him and comfort   
him. Her voice broke after a while, and he understood that she was crying as well from the way she talked. It made him cry harder. He didn’t even bother trying to   
quiet down. She was crying for him! She really cared for him, and he was hurting her so much. He cried because he couldn’t think of anything to do or say that would   
make anything better. But he figured that if this amazing, beautiful woman was saying that things would be okay, then maybe, just maybe he could let himself believe   
her just for a moment. 

He managed to compose himself in just a couple of minutes. They were just sitting there together on Harvey’s couch. Donna had her arms around him, like he was a little boy. He felt safe with her. It kind of felt like time stood still, and for a moment he didn’t have to think or react. He could just sit there next to her. But the   
moment soon passed and reality floated slowly back. This time it was in the shape of Harvey. 

He had quietly entered his office and stood in front of them looking pretty uncomfortable. Mike tried to escape from Donnas embrace, and she let him, but not before   
a whispered “Are you okay?” and he nodded to her and whispered a “Thank you” back. They untangled and Mike wiped his face and Donna flattened out her dress. 

“You two good?” Harvey asked. ”Or do you need me to go and bother Louis again?” 

Mike looked over at Donna, she gave him a smile. “We are good.” He said. After that he didn’t know what to do. Harvey was just standing there and giving Donna   
some weird look, and Donna was still holding on to his arm, as to stop him from leaving. 

“So now you know.” Harvey said to Donna. 

”I do.” 

It got quiet after that. Mike looked down on the floor. It felt like he could fall asleep in seconds. He also had a headache, probably from all the crying. 

Donna stop up from the couch and turned to Mike. 

“You should rest sweetie.” She said. ”You look exhausted.” 

“Yeah…” He agreed. ”I kind of am. Is it okay?” he asked Harvey, who just nodded. He still had his focus on Donna. She moved aside as Mike all but collapsed back   
down on the couch. She caught his eyes and kindly told him that they would be outside if he needed them. He tiredly watched as Donna took Harvey by the arm and led him out of the office. Mike was asleep in less than a minute after the door carefully closed. 

– SUITS –

Harvey followed Donna outside his office. She stopped by her desk seemingly unsure of what to do next. She looked around and then back towards Mike, who looked like he was already asleep. He then understood that she was reluctant to leave him after telling him they would be outside. 

“He is sleeping. It’s okay.” He steered her towards an empty conference room. The closest one. He noticed that she kept looking back towards his office. He held the   
door opened for her and she stopped in the middle of the room, facing him. 

“Harvey! Oh my god!” She exclaimed. ”What are we going to do? Mike has heart cancer?” 

Harvey sighed and confirmed. “Yes he does.”

”Heart cancer.” She stated and he saw that her eyes began to water. He had seen her cry before, but this was different. This was real.

”I know.” 

”What do we do? I told him that everything is going to be okay. What are we going to do Harvey?”

“Calm down Donna. It is, it is going to be okay.”

She stopped her nervous pacing and looked at him. “How?” 

Harvey was slightly taken aback by her intense glare. “I…I don’t know.” He was forced to answer. Because no matter what he told Mike that it would be fine, he didn’t know how it would be. He looked back at her until she broke eye contact. She went over to the window and stood there with her back against him. He knew that she   
was upset. Of course she was. He decided to just wait her out. 

“Do you think he will survive this?” her question was whispered, but he still heard every word and every tone her voice took. He tightly clenched his jaw. He did not   
want to answer this question. He didn’t want to think about this question at all. But if he was honest with himself he thought it himself every day. It was just like   
Donna to ask it. 

He let out a sigh and sat down heavily on a stool. “I honestly don’t know Donna. I hope so.” 

“He is scared. I have never seen him like this. He was crying.” She sounded shocked. 

“Yeah, he has been doing that.”

“He said something about thinking that maybe he deserved it.”

“What!?” Harvey straightened in the chair. He almost wanted to run back to his office and wake up the kid to yell at him. Could he really mean that? 

“I think I convinced him otherwise. Just leave it alone Harvey.”

“I can’t believe him…” Harvey muttered. “Who believes he deserves cancer?” 

“Oh god…Mike…” Donna wasn’t listening to him. She had sunken down in a chair next to him. She looked heartbroken. 

”We will get him through this, Donna. We will make sure he gets the best damn treatment there is. He will make it.” He calmly told her. 

“But it is heart cancer.” She weakly argued. She looked lost in thought.

“I know.”

“Have you spoken to his doctors?”

“Yeah I have. They are somewhat optimistic. Says it’s not a death sentence. At least so far. But on the other hand Mike has been there every time. I don’t think they are   
going to tell him something else than that.”

Donna nodded. They were both quiet for some time after that. Both of them deep in thought.

“I want to help!” When she turned to face him her expression had changed. She suddenly looked composed and determined, and Harvey didn’t know how she did that. 

“You have no idea of how much I would appreciate that.” Harvey sighed. 

“Yes I do.” Donna smiled. ”How you got by this long is a mystery to me.” 

“The kid didn’t want me to tell you Donna.”

“I know. He wasn’t ready. I understand.” She looked at him. “How are you doing Harvey?” She asked quietly.

“Me? I’m fine. I’m not the one with cancer here.”

“I know that, but Mike is.”

He considered to just brush her off and continue to claim that he was fine. But then decided against it. He shook his head a bit before he answered. “I just want him to   
be okay Donna.”

“So do I Harvey. We will help him through this like you said. You have already been helping him a lot. He has been staying with you hasn’t he?”

“Yeah, how did you know that?” 

She just raised her eyebrows a bit. “How has it been?”

“He has been staying with me after his chemo treatments. He gets really bad after them. He’s been in a lot of pain as well, now and then. It’s…unsettling to watch.”

“Oh…”

“He is hanging in there. Handling it the best he can.” 

“Does anyone else know? Does Jessica know?” 

“No, no one else knows yet. But I guess we have to tell them soon. Mike is not going to like that. He is weird about it.”

“It’s hard to talk about. But I bet that the whole office knows about him collapsing yesterday already.”

“Probably. But it’s not their business.” Donna just nodded.

“When is his next appointment? I need to go with him. I would like to talk to his doctors and nurses as well.”

“The nurses?”

“They know more than you think.”

“It’s tomorrow. Follow up from yesterday and more treatment.” 

“Good, I’ll go with him.”

“Alright.” He hesitated a bit as she stood up and made her way towards the door. “Thank you Donna.” He said. She just gave him a sad smile. “Let’s get back to him.” 

Harvey followed behind her on their way back to his office, and to Mike. He felt relieved that Donna knew, and that she was already planning on going with the kid to   
the hospital. Things would be better from now on. Hopefully.

– SUITS –

Things were not so great when Mike woke up again. He still felt dead tired, and didn’t really know why he had woken up. He found himself outstretched on Harvey’s   
couch. His headache had worsened, he had a sore neck and his eyes felt dry. He looked around in the office and saw that it was empty. Neither Harvey nor Donna was   
in sight. He lifted his head to be able to see Donna’s desk. They weren’t there either. 

He sank down again and closed his eyes. Disappointment washed over him. She had told him that they would be right outside if he needed them. So much for that.   
Not that he needed them right now for anything special, but still, she had told him that they would be there. Maybe he could just go back to sleep again. He tried   
unsuccessfully for a while. 

Donna knew about the cancer now. It actually felt really good that she knew. Sure he had really embarrassed himself again, crying not once but twice on her. But she   
had comforted him, her words and embrace had really helped to fill the enormous hole that nowadays kept residence in his chest. 

He didn’t know how long he had been laying there, it was probably just minutes, but he really wanted to go and look for Harvey and Donna now. He had only   
managed to sit up when he heard the door open and they were back.

“Mike! What are you doing? I thought that you were going to sleep?” Donna asked him. 

“I was just going to go and see where you were.” He hadn’t meant to say it, it just slipped out. 

At once she looked upset and guilty. “I’m so sorry Mike. We were just in the conference room.”

“We were gone for like ten minutes.” Harvey added. “Why aren’t you sleeping?” 

”I was.” 

”Do it again.” 

”I was just going to…” 

“Now.”

“Fine.” He laid back and observed Donna, while she sat down next to him and carefully straightened out his jacket. He smiled at her when she met his gaze. She   
smiled sadly back and stroke his cheek. He was asleep within minutes. 

The next time he woke up Harvey thought it acceptable that he got up. It turned out that Harvey was ready to head home for the day so they did just that. Donna   
hugged him when they left and told him that she was accompanying him to the hospital the next day, which he thanked her for. 

Harvey took him back to his place to grab some clothes and medication, before they headed back to Harvey’s condo. Neither of them said anything about that   
arrangement. They had dinner and didn’t talk that much at first. Harvey seemed like his mind were somewhere else, and Mike didn’t know what to say to him. He had   
made a weak attempt at a movie quote, but it turned out that Harvey hadn’t seen it. 

“How do you feel now?” Harvey asked out of the blue as he started to gather their plates after the meal. Mike was slightly taken aback from the question, not really   
expecting it at this moment. 

“Eh…fine?”

“I mean with Donna knowing.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah. So?”

”It’s good Harvey. I’m actually glad she knows. She is great.”

“Did you expect anything else?”

Mike smiled and shook his head. 

“She will go with you tomorrow, to the hospital. She wants to meet your doctors and nurses.”

“My nurses?”

“Don’t ask.”

Mike smirked and announced that he was going to bed. Or to the couch. Harvey stopped him though. 

“It’s going to be fine Mike.” He said and looked him straight into the eyes. He looked convinced enough for Mike to feel an unexpected surge of hope. He just nodded   
and headed to the bathroom before Harvey could say something else. When he came back out Harvey had put a sheet and cover on the couch and was in the kitchen   
putting things in the dishwasher. 

Mike quietly crawled down under the covers. He felt exhausted. He fell asleep to the sound of Harvey cleaning up in the kitchen.


	11. Chapter 11

He woke up from pain. It was radiating from his chest. It had happened a few times now so he didn’t really freak out. Mostly he felt annoyed because it meant that he would have to get up out of bed to find some painkillers or something, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again. He looked at the time and saw that he only had been sleeping for about three hours. He rubbed his chest in effort to ease the pain, but it didn’t help, of course. He groaned a bit and sat up and pushed the cover away. It was dark in the condo, and he fumbled a bit in the darkness until he found a light switch. 

All the medication he was taking was lined up on the kitchen counter. Harvey must have done that yesterday. The last time he remember seeing them they had been in his bag. He found the right bottle, and swallowed the pills with some tap water. 

It was going to take a while for the pills to take effect. He wished they would just knock him out right away. That would be better, because now he was alone and it was dark and empty. His whole chest was aching, mostly it was from the physical pain. 

He wished he could go and wake up Harvey, but it would be to embarrassing. It wasn’t like he needed help with anything. He just felt really lonely, and that was an awful feeling. If he only had someone that he could call. It was probably not a good idea to call Donna. It was too fresh for her. She would probably get really worried, and besides, she was most certainly sleeping. 

He lay back down on the couch, but left the light on. He didn’t think he could handle to lay there in the dark. He found that if he took a pillow and shoved it under his chest and lay on it, it didn’t hurt as much. 

He didn’t know how long he was lying there before the pain eased and he was able to fall asleep again. 

– SUITS –

Harvey woke up by his alarm the next morning. He got dressed and walked out into the living room, where he found Mike sleeping on his stomach. The light was on in the room which told him that Mike had been up during the night since he remembered turning it off. He looked around and didn’t notice anything else out of the ordinary. He let the kid continue sleeping. He didn’t look so good. 

After a while he couldn’t wait any longer for Mike to wake up, he had a meeting this morning. He tried calling his name from his spot at the table, but the kid didn’t stir. He went over and lightly shook Mike’s shoulder. 

“Mike, wake up.”

He did, groaning and turned around on his back. He startled a bit when he noticed that Harvey was leaning over him, making Harvey smirk. 

“Get up. We are leaving in 30 minutes.” he said and went back to the table. He discreetly watched as Mike clumsily sat up, making both the cover and pillow falling to the floor. He didn’t bother to pick it up, he just sat there with his head in his hands. 

“You good for work?” Harvey asked. 

Mike answered after a moment as if he was assessing himself. 

“Yeah…I’m good.” He finally said, and got up from the couch and went over to the table. He sat down and just sat there staring down at the table. Harvey sighed to himself and took a bowl and poured milk and cereals in it, and then pushed it in front of Mike. 

“Thanks.”

Mike was just sitting there five minutes later. He hadn’t touched his breakfast. 

“You have to eat. We are not leaving until you finished that.” Harvey threatened and stood up to go and get dressed. He cursed inwardly to himself. He sounded like a   
soccer mum. 

When he came back Mike had finished haft of the bowl and left the rest. He could hear the shower running and sat down on the couch and waited. Mike took his time   
and when they finally was in the car he was late for his meeting. He hadn’t said anything as Mike had slowly gotten dressed and without a word followed him downstairs. Now the kid was just sitting there next to him, listlessly staring out of the window. He thought that he probably should say something to Mike, but he didn’t really know what. Normally it was Mike who filled the silence, not him. And right now, Mike didn’t look like he had anything to say. 

“You know if you’re not up for this, you can go home.” Harvey said as he patiently waited for Mike to get out of the car. 

“No, I’m good Harvey.” 

“Yeah, I can tell.” 

Mike sighed and walked passed him. ”Just leave me alone.” He said quietly. 

Harvey rolled his eyes and decided to do just that. At least for now. It was not like he took it lightly, the way Mike behaved towards him, but at the moment he didn’t   
think that Mike would be able to handle it if he told him off. 

Mike had decided that he wanted to work at his own desk, so Harvey let him. He had given Mike a few files and the kid came by later to hand them back to him. They   
talked a bit about the case and Mike seemed to feel better. 

Later that afternoon it was time for Mike to head over to the hospital, Donna was getting ready to accompany him. 

“Mike, it’s time to leave.” Harvey nodded towards the door. Mike looked up at him and suddenly his expression changed. For a moment Harvey thought that he was   
about to cry, before he managed to pull himself together. 

“Yeah sure. I had almost forgotten for a while.” He said. He began to walk towards the door, but stopped before he reached it. “Hey Harvey?” he asked. “Can I crash at   
your place again?” He asked hesitantly.

”See you tonight.” Harvey nodded. 

“Sweet!” 

– SUITS –

“You ready to go Mike?” 

“Yeah, Donna. Let’s go.” 

Ray drove them to the hospital. The driver didn’t comment when Donna gave him the address, and Mike didn’t know if he knew what was going on, if Harvey had told   
him anything or not. He was satisfied with just the kind looks he gave him. Some day he would let him know what was going on. 

“This is my… my friend Donna Paulsen.” Mike hesitantly introduced Donna to his doctor at his office. The two of them shock hands. 

“Good to meet you. It is nice to meet more of Mike’s friends. Should we get started Mike?” 

After that the routine that he was kind of used to by now followed. A quick talk with his doctor, the checkups before his chemo was more extensive than usual   
because of his little experience the previous day. It took longer than usual also because Donna kept asking questions about everything. Mike almost wanted to ask her   
to stop, but didn’t. She would probably just get upset with him, so he let her. The nurses was patient as well. 

They were left alone when Mike was hooked up on the IV drip that delivered the drugs that were supposed to help his body fight. Donna was on a chair next to him.   
They were both silent, and as Mike observed Donna, she looked to be in deep thought. 

“You okay?” he quietly asked her. He looked up and smiled at him. 

“Of course I am. How are you feeling? Are you nauseated yet?”

“No, not yet. I’m good.”

“Let me know if it is something I can do for you Mike.” 

He smiled gratefully at her, and nodded. It was nothing else she could do. She really had been doing so much for him already. 

“I’m fine Donna. We’ll just have to wait for a while now, until this is finished.” He mentioned to the IV. She nodded back to him and settled in more in her chair. 

“Alright. What do you normally do here then, while you wait? It’s not very uplifting here.” She glanced around and wrinkled her nose at the yellow curtains. 

“I don’t know. Mostly I just sleep.” 

“I can understand that.” She took a closer look at him. “Do you want to sleep now?”

“No, I’m okay. Why don’t you entertain me?”

“I will do my best. Now, where should I start?” 

Mike ended up having the nicest chemo therapy session he had so far. Donna did entertain him during the whole session. She told him stories about when she first   
started working for Harvey, about a few memorable cases they had worked but she also told him about her family and of her growing up. The time passed quickly, and soon they were in a cab on their way to Harvey’s place. 

Donna ushered him inside and sat him down at the table and fed him. After that she made him go and sleep on the couch. He followed her directions and did   
whatever she asked him to do. He believed that it was good for both of them. He really felt taken care of, which was a nice feeling. With her he didn’t have to think   
how it would be perceived if he admitted that he was tired, he didn’t have to pretend with her, not as he felt like he wanted to do with Harvey. But at the same time,   
he kind of wished that Harvey would have been there as well. 

He woke up a few hours later. The condo was held in darkness except for a lamp over the kitchen island. He could hear talking. Apparently Harvey had come home.   
He couldn’t hear what they were saying. He laid there on the couch for a moment to collect himself. He didn’t feel good, but that was expected. He guessed he did   
best to not move too much at the moment. He just laid there for a while, doing his best to fall back to sleep. It didn’t really work that well, he felt too nauseous. Suddenly Donna was standing at the edge of the couch. 

“I knew you were awake sweetie! How are you feeling?” She asked. 

“Oh, well you know. If I don’t move an inch I’m fine.”

“But Mike, you should probably eat something, you barely had any dinner. How would you feel if you came to the kitchen for a bit?”

He groaned. “Donna, there is a reason I’m fine when I stay still.”

“Yeah, and you don’t want to know what that is!” Harvey helpfully called from the kitchen. 

“So I take it that you are not feeling too good then.” She sat down somewhere close to his head. He still hadn’t opened his eyes. 

“Not really no.” 

When she didn’t say anything he quietly added “I’m really nauseous.” 

“Okay.” She said quietly and touched his arm. “I hope it will get better soon. I will leave you to get some more rest.

He was left alone after that. He tried to sleep some but it didn’t really work, he felt too bad. He lasted about an hour before he needed to make a visit to the   
bathroom, and quick. He struggled upright and stumbled over there as fast as he could. He managed to get there in time, and after violently heaving into the toilet he decided he better stay there. 

The next few hours passed in a blur for Mike. He felt so bad, and it wouldn’t ease up, no matter what he did. He tried laying down on the cold tile floor, but got to   
cold. Donna wrapped him in a towel, but it didn’t really help. She was there the whole time. That, he was aware of. She stroke his back as he threw up, gave him water   
to rinse his mouth after he was done and sat next to him and talked quietly in between the bouts. 

Harvey was there some times as well, but mostly it was just Donna. Mike didn’t say much, he was too exhausted, and otherwise occupied. He really appreciated that they were there though. It made the whole thing a bit more bearable. 

– SUITS –

Mike had been sick for almost four hours by now. It was getting really late, and Donna was still in the bathroom with the kid. She had had a long day. There had been a lot for her to take in and Harvey felt that she deserved a break at this point. He didn’t want her to get too run down on her first day of knowing of Mike’s cancer. She had gotten a rough start. 

He headed over to the bathroom. Donna was standing by the sink wetting some fresh towels. Harvey had kept away pretty much the whole night. Not because he didn’t want to be there for the kid, he didn’t mind at all, be he felt like Donna was handling it excellent by herself. It was no point in both of them being there. It would be too crowded.

“Look Donna, you can head home now if you like. I will…” He called out to her, but didn’t get further than that before she interrupted him. 

”No, Harvey. I’m not going to leave. Not with him like this! He can barely sit up by himself.” 

“I know Donna, I can handle him.” 

“Handle him? That is exactly why I’m staying. I’m not going to let you handle him, I’m going to take care of him.” And with that she turned her back against Harvey   
and went back into the bathroom and sat down on the floor next to Mike. Harvey stood for a while watching them. Mike was sweaty and pale where he was leaning   
against the wall next to the toilet. He was shaking a bit, and kept his eyes tightly shut. Harvey wanted to protest to Donna’s comment. He did take care of the kid.   
Mike had allowed Donna to take his hand in hers. In fact he was holding on to her just as tightly as she did. 

She looked tired and older than usual. She was also wearing pants which was strange to see her in. If Mike would have been more lucid he would have commented on   
it, most likely complimented her on them. 

It was not until almost four in the morning that they managed to move Mike over to the couch. He did his best to get there by himself, but Donna refused to let go of   
his arm. 

“I’m not going to be responsible for you to trip over your own feet and break your arm.” She told him. Mike did stumble exactly ten seconds after she said it, and if   
Harvey hadn’t been close by he would have fallen. He didn’t protest after that. Just quietly did what Donna ordered him to do. 

Mike was asleep moments after Donna had covered him with a blanket, and Harvey wished he could do the same. It had been a long night. 

“Why don’t you take my bed?” He suggested. “I’ll just sleep in here.” 

“You sure? I can call a cab.”

“It’s four in the morning. Take my bed.” 

She did, and Harvey settled down in a chair across from Mike. He really should get a guest bed. If Mike staying over at his place was going to be a regular occurrence   
he really needed one. His couch wasn’t that comfortable. His chair certainly wasn’t. 

Harvey was exhausted enough to fall asleep despite the chairs and got a few hours of rest. Mike didn’t wake up during the night, which was good for all of them. 

Harvey woke to the smell of coffee. For a while he was confused, until he realized that Donna had stayed over. He stretched himself out a bit. His neck was really stiff.   
He got up and froze for a moment as he tipped over an empty glass that was standing to close to the edge of the coffee table. Luckily Mike didn’t wake. 

“You slept well?” Donna asked him as he sat down by the kitchen isle.

“You are really asking me that?” 

“Your bedroom sure has a nice view.” 

“I take it you slept better than me than.” 

“How is Mike?” She asked, changing the subject. 

“He is asleep.” 

“Yeah I can see that. Did he wake up during the night?”

“No, you would probably have known if he had.” 

She absentmindedly nodded and looked over to where Mike was. Suddenly she looked close to tears. 

“Hey Donna, he is okay now.” 

“He wasn’t yesterday Harvey.” 

“He will feel better today.”

“I hope so. You are not bringing him to the office are you?”

“I don’t think he is going to be that useful today.” 

“Harvey!”

“No, I’m not bring him to work...He probably wants to come though.” 

“Well, he is not. He needs to rest.”

“I’m not opposing to that, but he will.” 

“I’ll make sure he rests.” She said determined. Harvey believed her. 

He was right though, Mike did protest when he eventually woke up. He claimed he was fine and he could absolutely come with Harvey. He said that he was too behind   
with his workload to stay home and rest, this was when Donna countered with the fact that “Harvey will do that for you!” 

“He will?” Harvey and Mike questioned at the same time. “All right, I guess I can stay at home and rest then.” Mike smirked. 

“Good.” Donna said, and it was settled. Harvey did complain during the whole car ride to the office. 

Mike decided that he wanted to head home to his place, so they dropped him off on the way. It was not exactly on the way, but close enough. Donna had wanted to   
come with Mike inside, but he managed to assure her that he was fine. They didn’t leave until he was out of sight. 

– SUITS –

Mike stopped just inside of the door and leaned against it. He hadn’t been here for some days now. He didn’t really know why he had decided that he wanted to come here. Partly it was because he felt like he couldn’t stay at Harvey’s place forever. He should probably go home sometimes, and today had felt like a good time. Not that he wanted to be alone, but he thought he should be able to. But now, as he stood there alone in his apartment, he was tempted to call Harvey and Donna back and go with them. 

He didn’t though. He ended up on his couch watching TV. He had a couple of files that he looked through as well. The day past slowly, he slept some, took calls from   
Donna and cooked and ate dinner. 

The night was pretty bad for him, at least emotionally. He laid awake for hours before he could sleep. 

The next few days passed slowly. He went to the office and also to the hospital. Donna was with him one more time. He started to notice how she was making some   
changes at the office. She found out about all of his hospital visits, his medication and made sure he was fed. She would come and ask him how he was doing, took   
him to lunch and made sure he took his meds. 

These few days he felt pretty good. He didn’t have any complications or symptoms which was nice. On the other hand he felt like he was just walking around waiting   
for something bad to happen. And it did. 

Lately he had had some trouble with keeping up with his workload, even though Harvey had lessened it. The problem was that Harvey wasn’t the only one who would   
give him things to do, Louis did as well. Mike had been doing his best to avoid Louis as much as he could. Luckily for him Louis had been busy with a big case that   
forced him to spend some time overseas, so he hadn’t been around that much. That was a plus for Mike, because it meant that Louis hadn’t noticed yet that   
something was wrong with him. Mike had been worried about it, and it seemed that now when Louis’s case was over with it wouldn’t take long until he started dumping files on Mike. So far he had been able to keep up, but by now the files were starting to pile up on his desk. 

That morning Louis had been by his cubicle and told him that he needed Mike to proof some briefs and have it done before lunch. Mike, that was having a bad day   
and had a ton of work to do for Harvey, had to stop himself from snapping at the man. He was tired and his chest was aching. He had only slept a few hours the day   
before and when he woke up that morning he could feel that it was not going to be a good day. 

– SUITS –

Harvey looked up from his computer at the careful knock on his door. Mike was standing in the door way with a pained expression on his face. He was leaning against   
the glass wall and one hand was pressed against his chest. Harvey sighed a bit.

“You okay?” he asked. Of course he wasn’t, by the look of him. He gave Donna a glance behind Mike’s back, and she shook her head. She obviously agreed with his   
assessment. 

“Not really.” Mike answered, surprisingly honest. ”My chest hurts like hell.” He said, and without waiting for Harvey’s reply he stumbled over to the couch and sank down on it. “I thought that I would just hang out here for a while.” He patted the couch. “I need to hide.” 

”Yeah you go ahead.” Harvey said, and gestured to Mike that he could lay down. ”What are you hiding from?” 

“Louis. He is crazy. He wants me to proof like a hundred briefs before lunch.” Mike groaned as he made himself comfortable on the couch. He was on his side, with   
both arms pressed against his chest.

“Did you say you would do them?”

“No, I said that I had too much to do for you, but he left them for me anyway.” He groaned again and closed his eyes.

“Yeah, well… Donna will fend him off for you for a while.” Harvey said absentmindedly and turned his attention back to his computer. 

“I’m on it.” They heard from Donna. 

Mike had been dozing on his couch for about two hours when Louis stepped into his office. Harvey glanced pass him, and yes, Donna was not at her desk.

“You waited until she had to use the restroom?” 

“I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m looking for Mike.” He only then seemed to notice that Mike was on the couch. “What the hell is he doing?” He questioned, turned to Harvey. 

Harvey looked over at Mike, who was stiffly trying to sit up. 

“That’s none of your business Louis. He is doing work for me.” 

“Yeah, I can see that he is being very productive.” Louis said sarcastically. Harvey stood up, he could see that Mike was about to protest. 

“Louis.” He said warningly. 

”I was going to do them now.” Mike said weakly. 

“You haven’t done them? I told you to have them ready now.” Louis stepped up in front of Mike so close that he couldn’t stand up. “This behavior is unacceptable at   
this firm. You are taking a nap instead of working on what I assigned you? You know I could take this up with Jessica.” 

“Louis that’s enough!” Harvey interrupted. 

”Harvey, don’t you think I’m aware of his recent job performance. Or rather lack of it. He is getting even more useless than he was before.” 

“I said that’s enough!” 

Mike was staring down at the floor, saying nothing. Louis was finally shutting up. 

“Are those the briefs?” Harvey pointed at the papers in Louis’ hand. Louis glared at Mike who hadn’t moved. ”Is it?” 

”Yeah. But he is…”

Before he could say anything else Harvey snatched the file from his hand. 

“They will get done. Now get the hell out of my office.” 

Louis looked like he was going to say something, but at the look Harvey gave him he started to leave. 

“I expect them in two hours.” He said. 

“The door is right there.” 

Harvey stood and watched him leave. Donna passed him on her way back, and came up to the door way. 

“He waited until I left?” She asked. 

“Probably waited an hour.” 

“Harvey?” She nodded towards the couch and Mike. The kid was in the same position as before with his head bowed down. Harvey nodded, and Donna quietly closed   
the door. He went over and sat down in front of Mike. 

“Mike?” He drew a breath before continuing. “What Louis said is not true. You know that right? He doesn’t know what’s going on here.” 

”Yeah…”

”Hey, come on. Look at me.” He did. He looked sad. Harvey knew that he probably took what Louis had said too much to his heart. He had a hand pressed against his   
chest. 

“That hurts?” He pointed at Mike’s chest. 

“Yeah…” 

Harvey nodded and stood up. Louis briefs was on his desk. 

“Why don’t you lay down and get some rest? Donna is bring you your painkillers.” He had seen how she had left a minute ago. 

Mike did what he asked without a word and laid down. Donna came in a minute later with the kid’s pills and a water bottle. She gave them both to Mike, talked to him   
a bit and then left him to sleep on the couch. It looked like he did fall asleep a bit later, at least he had his eyes closed. He had a pained expression on his face. Once in a while his body twitched a bit before relaxing again. 

Harvey left him alone. He wanted to do something, but decided to let the kid be for now. He should take him home. Later maybe. But it didn’t seem like Mike was   
getting any better. An hour later Harvey had enough. 

“Mike, that’s enough now. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“But I have taken the pain pills…” he protested, as Harvey had been prepared for that he would. 

“Yes, you have, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Does it?”

No answer. 

”Mike? Does it?”

”No, okay!”

”Okay.” Harvey stood up. ”Let’s go.” He walked over to the door as Mike started to get up. 

“Donna, will you call Ray?”

Mike was still struggling. 

“Can you even walk by yourself?” 

“Yes I can. Shut up.” Mike groaned. A fine layer of sweat was covering his forehead. He was pale and a little shaky. It looked like it took him a lot of effort just to   
remain standing. 

“I don’t think I need to go to the hospital Harvey.” He whined. 

“He is downstairs in a few minutes.” Donna called. 

“It’s not up for argument. You can barely stand.” Harvey took hold of his arm and practically dragged the kid down to the waiting car. Mike didn’t say another word to   
him. Just followed him. In the car he folded forwards as far as he could and leaned against the seat in front of him with closed eyes. 

Mike was seen to pretty quickly at the hospital, and Harvey was made to wait in a waiting room. He made a call to Donna, and then waited. 

When he was allowed back to a room to see Mike, the kid was agitated and worried. His eyes kept flickering around in the room and he didn’t seem to be able to focus   
on anything. At least he wasn’t in pain anymore. Harvey awkwardly sat down next to him and tried to talk to him. He eventually grabbed his shoulder and called his   
name. 

“Mike, come on? You even here?”

“What?” Mike’s flickering eyes briefly met his. “Harvey?” 

“Yep.”

“They…They stabbed me.” He whispered and leaned closer to Harvey, and looked fearfully towards the door. 

“What? No, they didn’t stab you. They injected you.”

”That’s the same!”

“No, that’s not the same.” 

“It hurt Harvey!” 

“Stop whining. They were helping you.” 

”I’m not whining!” Harvey just raised an eye brow. 

”I’m not…” Mike laid back and stared up at the ceiling. He sighed. ”I kind of am, aren’t I? Shit. What’s happening?”

“I think they drugged you pretty good.”

“Yeah I guess they did. I feel kind of good now though. A bit weird. How long have we been here?”

“About an hour.” 

“Oh. When can we leave?” 

“As soon as you are more lucid.”

“I’m lucid now. We can go.” He attempted to sit up, but Harvey stopped him. 

”Let’s wait for your doctor.” 

“Mmm…But it is so boring.”

“What would you rather do then? You get to lay down on the office hours, you should feel happy.”

Harvey earned himself a glare. “Yes, I’m very happy Harvey. This is great.” 

They got to leave about an hour later. Mike was grumpy after a bunch of tests he had had to endure. Harvey was kind of annoyed with him, but did his best to ignore   
him. They went back to the office.

– SUITS –

At the office Donna was had been waiting for Mike and Harvey to return. Harvey had called her and given her an update about Mike and some work related   
instructions. 

Mike had looked very bad when he had been laying there on the couch, and she had felt very worried about him. She had wanted to go in and do something, but   
Harvey had shaken his head towards her and she got what he meant. Mike looked like he had been in a lot of pain, and she really thought that Harvey had made the   
right choice in bringing the kid to the hospital. She was relieved that he was getting help. 

“Donna? Where is Harvey and Mike? The office is empty.” Louis was standing next to her desk. 

”Don’t you think I know that Louis?”

“Of course I thought you knew it was empty Donna, where are they? I left work for Mike that I need now.”

“You mean these?” She slapped the finished files down next to his hands on her desk. 

”Well…Yes.” He took them and searched through them. ”Who finished this? Did Mike do them?” 

“Does it really matter who did them Louis? They are done aren’t they?” 

She stood up and went around him. “Excuse me.” She left him standing there.


	12. First operation

Back at the office Mike felt better than he had felt in ages. Sure he felt a bit drugged up still, but that was expected. Right? He told Harvey that he was okay to work now, so he was given a bunch of files. Not the once that was for Louis though. He didn’t see them anywhere and neither Harvey nor Donna had said something when he asked. He sensed that it was best that he just let it go. Apparently Harvey had taken care of it, because Louis didn’t bother them anymore that day. 

He went back to his own apartment that night, after a pretty long day at the office. He had been prepared to stay longer, but Harvey forced him to go home. It turned out it was a good thing, because his energy drained as soon as he stepped into his apartment. He slept well that night for a change. 

The nights were always the worst for Mike. He dreaded them. During the day he mostly felt okay, the bad thoughts as he had called them in his mind, didn’t come during the day. For most of the time at least. He had bad days, days when he was so tired that he just wanted to stay in bed the whole day. 

At night though, nightmares waited for him when he fell asleep. He had asked his doctor about them and had been told it was common as side effects of some of the medication he took. Some nights after he woke up in panic, sweating and shaking, he kind of wanted to take them all and flush them down the toilet. 

The bad thoughts would invade his mind in time with the sunlight. When he knew that time was creeping nearer of going to bed they would come. He knew that the thoughts only would get darker after that. He felt so scared and lonely, that it would drive him to the point of tears. 

The nights that he had gotten to spend at Harvey’s place had been marginally better. He had been staying up pretty late most nights and had been tired, and it sometimes it helped. But even there, when he knew that the other man was in the next room he felt scared and lonely. He had cried a few times there too, although he did it as quietly as he could. It would have been so embarrassing if Harvey found out. He tried to keep it together as much as he could when other people was around.   
But he always felt different now a days, since he had started the treatment. He knew that it was connected. There had been talks about side effects, and he was suffering from them he was sure of it. A lot probably. The weird feelings in his chest, not the physical pain, but the emotional. It was always worse after chemo. He always felt so bad after every time, and it was hard to not let it show. He wanted to just let all the feelings out sometimes, and he just wanted Harvey or Donna to be there with him then. He kind of wanted them to just sit there next to him the whole time, but he didn’t feel like he could ask that of them. Most of the time he did have company though. Donna would sometimes sit next to him and hold his hand, and he was so incredible grateful for that. It was just what he wanted, the actual physical feeling of her being there, supporting him. That’s exactly as what he wanted. He didn’t want to let go of her hand, and when she let go to go to the kitchen to get him some water or she disappeared off to somewhere else, where he didn’t know, that was the time that he just wanted to scream until she came back. He didn’t do that of course, but that was what he wanted. That feeling, it wasn’t normal. He would never had had it before. But now he did, and it was nothing he could do about it. 

Mike had a doctor’s appointment two days later. Or he had one in between where he had been told that he would have to undergo his one of his first operation where he would have to be sedated. They would get him something called a port-a-cath, which was an IV catheter that they would place underneath his skin on his chest. It was supposed to help and make it easier with the chemo, blood draws and other kind of things like that, they had told him. He had become a bit sensitive towards all the needles they stuck in him and had big bruises on his arms from them. So this whole thing was probably a good idea. But the thought of the operation worried him a lot. He didn’t look forward to it at all, and also felt a bit scared. Not that he would tell anyone that. On the other hand, Harvey had told him to come to him with anything that bothered him, so he decided to ask him if he could accompany him. 

He was a bit hesitant as he stepped in the older man’s office. Harvey was working on something and looked like he was deep in thought. He kind of whished that he didn’t had to bother him. It was like all he did now. Bothering both Harvey and Donna. Harvey had a pretty big case now, and Mike felt bad that he couldn’t help him out more than he did. He tried to think that he was doing his best, but here he was about to ask Harvey for yet another favor. 

“Did you want something?” 

He flinched a bit when Harvey asked, and he knew that Harvey noticed, because he looked kind of concerned. 

“Eh…” He started. 

”Yes…?”

”I was just wondering a thing.” 

”What were you wondering Mike?”

“I have this thing tomorrow at three, and I was just wondering if you maybe could come with me?” 

“To the hospital?” 

“Yes.” Harvey looked at him closely. He squirmed a bit. 

“Why?”

“I just have this thing, and I’m a bit nervous about it, and I would appreciate it if you were there.” He said quickly.

“At three? Sure. That works. I’ll be there. Was it something else?” 

”Eh no. Thank you.” He left. That was easy. He felt so relieved. 

– SUITS –

Harvey couldn’t stop himself from smiling a bit when the door closed behind Mike. The kid had looked to happy when he agreed to come with him to the hospital. He   
hadn’t told him why though, but it really didn’t matter, he would do it regardless. Mike hadn’t really asked him for much and it kind of concerned him. He had told   
Mike to come to him if it was something, and so far he hadn’t really done that. 

“Harvey?”

It was Donna. 

”You have a meeting, tomorrow at two. Do you want me to postpone it?”

“Oh shit! I totally forgot about that.” He sighed. “How many times have you postponed it so far?” 

”Three times. They were a bit upset the last time.”

“Yeah, right. I will just have to make it quick then.” 

”Are you sure you are going to make it to the hospital on time? Mike would be…”

“Yeah, I’ll make it Donna.” 

“Are you going to tell him?”

“About the meeting? No, I’ll make it in time, so I’m not going to worry him for nothing.”

“You better make it.”

“I will.” 

”He came to you and asked you to come with him and he was clearly worried. If you missed it he would be devastated.”

“I won’t miss it, and what do you mean devastated? He is not going to be devastated. He would understand.”

“Harvey.” 

”I’ll be there with him Donna. Don’t worry.” 

Harvey really had intended to keep his promise to both Mike and Donna, but sometimes things didn’t go as planned. The day for Mike’s appointment and Harvey’s   
meeting had started good. He managed to move forward on the case and was pretty proud of himself. Mike had stopped by his office and reminded him and given   
him the location on where to meet him later. Mike would go in earlier to get prepared. He was not allowed to eat anything, so he and Donna had skipped lunch. Since   
Mike couldn’t really do as much work as he usually did, both Harvey and Donna was more busy than usual. Harvey left early for his meeting, which he hadn’t told Mike   
about. He had considered it, but decided against it. Mike seemed to be worried enough. He still hadn’t asked about what he was getting done, and Mike hadn’t told him. He should have asked probably. 

The meeting didn’t get off to a good start. The client was late, and when he arrived he was very upset, since he had been approached by someone that had   
connections with the opposing side. The whole thing was shady, and Harvey got annoyed and the client pissed. When Harvey later glanced at his phone he saw that he   
had five missed calls from Mike and that he was almost forty minutes late to the hospital. He froze on the spot, his back turned against the client. What had he done? 

– SUITS –

Mike was hungry. He was sitting on a bench waiting for Harvey to get there. He had taken some test and was ready to be operated. They had wanted him to wait in a   
bed, but as soon as they left him alone he snuck out into the hallway, so that he would be able to see him when he came. He wasn’t sure if Harvey knew exactly where   
he would be. 

But Harvey didn’t show up. He called him a few times, but they he had to go and change into a gown and lay down. They prepared him, and he called Harvey again. Where was he? He was starting to get worried. What if he wouldn’t show up? He didn’t want to do this alone. He didn’t want to go in there without some kind of support from someone else then a nurse. He just wanted someone to be there for him. Harvey had told him that he would be there for him, with him. He wanted that. 

It ended up with Mike begging them to just wait two more minutes for Harvey to come. He had said he would come! Harvey always kept his word, but where was he then? They had let him use his phone again to call him, but he still wasn’t picking up. He called Donna once too, but all he got was a busy signal. The two nurses kept looking at him with pity all while they glanced at the watch on the wall when they thought Mike didn’t notice. 

“We really have to get going now Mike” one of them said. 

“Please, just wait a little while longer, I’m sure he is on his way.” He begged them.

They looked at each other, the blond nurse nodded to the other one. When she turned to him he understood that they had silently argued who of them that was going   
to tell him no. 

“I’m really sorry Mike, I know that you want him here with you, and that you wanted to see him before, but we can’t wait for him any longer. The OR is booked   
immediately after your procedure.” She smiled sadly down at him. 

Mike just shook his head. ”He said he would be here.” He whispered as he felt tears gather in his eyes. He felt so disappointed.

“I’m so sorry Mike. I’m sure he will be here when you are finished. Maybe it was a hold up in traffic or something.” And with that she started to wheel him into the   
operating room. They prepped him while he was just lying there and letting them do it. He felt embarrassed about the tears that were streaming down his cheeks. The   
staff worked around him in a blur. They would look at him with sad eyes as they offered comforting words. Someone made an attempt of drying the tears from his   
cheeks but new ones just kept appearing. A nurse offered him her hand to hold on to, but he removed his hand from hers. He just stared up into the ceiling and tried   
to avoid meeting someone’s eyes. 

Harvey hadn’t come, it was all he could think about. It was his first procedure and Harvey had told him that he would be there, that they were in this together, as a   
team. So much for that. He guessed that Harvey would have a good reason. Emergency client meeting or something. But he had promised! He was just so scared and   
he had told Harvey that. Not that he was scared, he hadn’t mentioned that. He had said nervous. But the truth was that he was scared. 

“Mike, we are ready to sedate you now.” Someone said to the right of him. Probably his doctor. Someone else next to him was holding a mask up ready to put on him.   
He felt panic rushing through him and he started to shake his head as he held up his hands against the mask. 

“No, please.” He said. ”Please don’t. Just wait a little longer.”

The doctor sighed and made a sign and the mask was removed out of his sight. 

”I know this is hard for you Mike. But it is necessary that we do this now, you know that.” 

“But why can’t we wait just for a little while? He said that he would be here.” He knew that he was repeating himself and he knew that they all were looking at him with   
pity in their eyes, but he just couldn’t help it. 

“No, Mike. I’m sorry. We have to do this now. Are you ready?”

He gave up then. Harvey wasn’t coming. And he was wasting everyone’s time right now. He should just get it over with. He let the tears well over his eyelashes and   
down his cheek. He didn’t have the energy to care. A nurse gently wiped them off and the mask was put over his mouth and nose. The nurse was stroking his   
forehead like he was a little child, and he felt himself getting more and more drowsy. It wasn’t long until he was out. 

– SUITS –

“I have to go. Something came up.” Harvey announced and marched for the door of the conference room at his client’s office.

“What? We are not finished here.” The client was outraged. 

“Yes we are.” 

Harvey left before the other man could say anything else. He was probably going to pay for that later. But he was so late. He dialed Mike’s number, but there was no   
answer. He dialed again with the same result. 

The ride to the hospital was probably going to take at least thirty minutes and that was if traffic was light. This was bad. He had a strong feeling that Donna was going   
to be right, he didn’t think that Mike would be understanding. He had let the kid down. Twice he had told him that he would be there with him. And he had told Mike   
that they were going to do this together, and the first time Mike asked him for something, he blew it. This was probably not going to be easy for any of them. He felt   
guilty, which was not something he did often. 

When he arrived he went to the correct floor and was a bit shocked when asked for Mike, to be told that he was in a recovery room. He got worried, and cursed   
himself for not asking more details from Mike. 

He had to wait for a while longer before someone came to talk to him. He was told that Mike’s operation went fine, and that he could see Mike in a few minutes. 

He was lead to Mike’s room and left alone by the door. He didn’t hesitate and just stepped inside. He quietly closed the door behind him, they had told him that Mike   
was asleep, so he didn’t want to wake him. He needed some time to think about how to handle things now. But he wasn’t that lucky. When he looked over to the bed   
where Mike was laying, he saw that he was awake. He didn’t seem aware of that Harvey was there. He had his gaze fixed on the wall next to his bed. He had tears in   
his eyes and Harvey felt the guilt stab his chest. 

– SUITS –

When Mike woke up he didn’t know where he was at first, but then it dawn on him. He was at the hospital. He didn’t recognize the room, and realized that he was in   
another room then before. The recovery room, as they had told him before. He felt both tired and a bit dizzy. His chest felt sore and he looked down and tried to see   
why. There was not so much to see, it was covered by bandages. 

He then looked around. He was alone in the room. No one was there. He could see outside through the glass wall of the room, but he didn’t see anyone. Apparently   
Harvey hadn’t bothered to show up. He wanted to cry. He didn’t understand why Harvey wasn’t there. 

A nurse came by a moment later, his doctor too. It was explained to him how the procedure went, and what was going to happen next. They wanted to keep him   
another night for observation. He didn’t say much. Apparently he was fine, and just needed to get some rest. He asked the nurse if she had seen Harvey. She smiled   
sadly at him and told him that she hadn’t. He was left alone after that. He wished he wasn’t. He just felt so lonely. 

He was tired but couldn’t sleep so he just ended up laying there staring at nothing. He wished he could go home. 

He didn’t know for how long he had been laying there, it felt like hours. Then Harvey was there. He heard the door open and he just knew that it was him. But he   
didn’t react. He didn’t know what to do now when he finally was there. He wanted to be angry and yell for betraying him like this. Because that was what it felt like   
when he thought about it. But he didn’t have the energy, so he just lay there. 

“Mike?” Harvey said quietly. He didn’t answer.

”Hi kid.” Harvey continued, and Mike heard how he stepped closer. “How are you?” 

He still didn’t react, he just wiped his face, and he didn’t know when he had started to cry. Harvey had already seen it too, he must think that he was pathetic. Maybe   
he was. 

“I’m sorry Mike.” Harvey whispered then, and he had to react. He turned to look at him, Harvey looked sad and stressed. 

“Where were you?” He asked. That was the only thing he wanted to know. 

“I am sorry Mike. I was at a meeting and I missed the time.”

“I called you a bunch of times, but you didn’t pick up. You said you’d come!” He couldn’t look at Harvey anymore. 

“I know.” Was all that Harvey said. 

“Why didn’t you?” he whispered. He was aware of that he sounded like a little kid, but he didn’t care. 

“I screwed up Mike. I promised you something and I couldn’t keep that promise. I’m sorry for that.” 

He hesitated. Mike didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t forgive him just like that. He had been so scared and Harvey hadn’t been there, not even when he woke up. So   
he didn’t say anything. 

“Look, I get that you are pissed at me Mike, and you have the right to be. This won’t happen again.” Harvey promised. He pulled up a chair and sat down. 

“How are you doing? Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” 

“I didn’t realize that you were going to have a surgery. I should have asked you about it. ” 

“Okay.” Harvey continued when he didn’t answer. “They didn’t tell me what kind of procedure you had. You want to tell me?”

No, he didn’t. So he lifted a hand and removed his gown a bit so that Harvey could see the bandage better. Harvey leaned forward and took a closer look. 

“That doesn’t really tell me anything, kid.” Mike shrugged his shoulders a bit. 

“Yeah okay. I guess I deserve that.” Harvey mumbled. 

“Are they keeping you over night?” 

He nodded. 

Harvey got quiet after that. He probably didn’t know what to say. Mike didn’t look his way. He stared at the wall on the other side of the bed. Harvey sighed. 

“Do you want me to leave?” He asked and stood up. 

Mike looked at him then, he felt his eyes tearing up instantly and hated it. 

“No.” His voice broke. He bit his lips hard. He had to look away again when Harvey stepped closer. 

“Hey… okay, okay. I’ll stay. Mike.” Harvey tried to catch his eyes. He nodded and sat down again. “I’ll just sit here then.” He said. 

He didn’t cry, which was good. Harvey was just sitting there silently now. It was kind of awkward, but he was so tired now so he didn’t have the energy to care. He just   
couldn’t relax. He was aware of that he was breathing pretty hard. Nothing was hurting at least, maybe his lip a bit, he had bitten it pretty hard. He didn’t let himself   
close his eyes. 

“You can sleep if you want. I’m not going anywhere.” Harvey said. He must have sensed what he was doing. 

“Really?” 

They locked eyes. “Yes.” Harvey said, and Mike knew he meant it. Maybe he would just sleep then. When he woke up again, he would know if Harvey was serious or   
not. If he wasn’t he would deal with it then. 

– SUITS –

Harvey sat as frozen on the uncomfortable chair next to the bed as Mike slept. The kid looked ill. 

This was not how it was supposed to be. Mike had only looked him in the eyes once since he stepped into the room. Not that he could blame him. He really let Mike   
down, and Mike was not okay. Harvey felt so bad right now, and it was only a tiny bit better now than when Mike had asked him where he had been. He had done his best to apologize, but it didn’t seem like it was enough. Mike was distant and quiet. He had to remind himself that it was understandable, the way Mike reacted. He   
had just had an operation and had expected to have Harvey’s support, which he didn’t get. 

It was sad to see the way Mike had looked when he asked if he should leave. Harvey had thought for a moment that Mike was going to start to cry when he asked.   
Immediately he had said no, to Harvey’s surprise. After the way Mike acted he had thought that he would be happy to get rid of him, but here they were. He was not   
going anywhere now. He knew that he had to show Mike now that he was serious with being there for him now. A few hours late. 

Mike was woken up by a doctor a while later and Harvey was asked to step out. Mike was moved to another room, and given dinner. He didn’t eat much, mostly picked   
in his food. He was quiet and wouldn’t look at Harvey. Harvey did his best to try to engage Mike in a conversation, encouraged him to eat, and when none of it worked he just talked about work stuff. He started to tell Mike about the meeting he had had, but was stopped. 

“I don’t care.” Mike interrupted him. “I don’t want to hear about that.” He said quietly, staring down in his lap. He was sitting up in the bed with a blanket covering his   
legs. Harvey was a bit surprised, it was the first thing Mike had said in about an hour. 

“Yeah, okay.” He paused. “What do you want to hear about then?” 

Mike just shrugged his shoulders and looked away. 

Harvey sighed a bit. He had to try again to get the kid back to normal again. He knew he had hurt him, at a time when he was most vulnerable. It was totally   
understandable if Mike didn’t feel like talking about the meeting that was the reason that he had been left alone when he most needed company. He hadn’t fully   
understood how much Mike had needed him to be there, until now that is. Now the kid wouldn’t look at him. He had to do something. 

“Mike, look at me.” He demanded. Mike did. “I am sorry.” He said when their eyes met. “I will do everything I can to make sure this won’t happen again. I mean that,   
Mike.” 

Mike drew a deep breath. “Okay Harvey.” He whispered. “Okay. I believe you.” He nodded. “I just really wanted you to be there.” 

“I know. I should have been.” He laughed a bit, and Mike looked up at him in surprise. 

“Maybe I won’t be here next time.” He said. “You know why?” Mike shook his head looking worried.

“Because Donna is going to kill me when she finds out.” 

Mike smirked as well. Finally! “Yeah, she probably will.” He agreed. 

Things lighted up after that, and Mike seemed to feel a bit better. He started to talk more, laughed a bit, and ate some dessert. He also told Harvey about the   
operation, making Harvey feel guilty again when he told him about how he had held up the operation as long as he could to give Harvey time to make it there.

It was pretty late when Harvey noticed that Mike was starting to doze off. They were watching some stupid TV show at the tiny TV in the upper corner of the room. He   
decided it was probably time to leave, so that Mike could get some well-needed rest. He leaned over and shook Mike’s shoulder a bit. 

“Hey, I’m heading home Mike. You should get some rest.” 

“What? No! We haven’t finished watching. Come on, we just saw one episode so far.”

“You are falling asleep, and it’s late. And also, do you even now what we are watching?”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t.” Harvey stood up. ”Listen, I’ll come back tomorrow Mike.” Mike just stared up at him and didn’t say anything. “Get some sleep kid.” He said kindly, and   
squeezed Mike’s shoulder. Mike looked like he was going to say something, but then just closed his mouth and nodded. Harvey was almost at the door, when Mike called out to him.

“Wait!”

He stopped and looked back at the other man, who looked so small in the hospital bed.

“You’ll come back?” Mike asked. ”You will?” 

”Yes Mike, I will. Tomorrow morning.” He looked into Mike’s eyes until he saw some form of acceptance from Mike. With that he left the room. 

It didn’t really feel right to leave Mike like that, but what else could he do? It was not like he could bring Mike with him at the moment. He still felt really guilty about   
not being there, like he said he would. But also, as he had promised Mike now, it wouldn’t happen again. He was not going to let that happen. He never wanted to see   
that look on Mike’s face again. 

– SUITS –

Mike spent the night tossing and turning in his hospital bed. It had been hard to fall asleep after Harvey left. He was also interrupted during the night, when hospital   
staff came and checked up on him. 

He guessed that he slept a few hours at least by the time Harvey got there. He actually came just as he had promised. Mike had been so afraid that he wouldn’t. But he   
did! Harvey came pretty early and a nurse got annoyed with him for being there so early, but Mike managed to talk her into letting him stay. He was told later that he   
could leave the same day if his chest wasn’t bothering him, which it wasn’t. He felt pretty okay. Just really tired.

Harvey took him home, and they had lunch. After that Harvey had to leave for the office. He refused to let Mike come along. Donna came by with dinner that night,   
and stayed a couple of hours. He went to the office the next day.


	13. Fever again

Two days passed for Mike and Harvey without anything special happening. It turned out that the port-a-cath that Mike got was a success. It was much easier with it there when he went to the hospital. Things went faster. That was what Mike told Harvey at least. He had off course googled it and knew quite a lot about what it was and did now. 

Mike seemed to be doing pretty good now. Harvey wasn’t sure of how much of it that was an act from Mike’s side, but he didn’t say anything about it. He decided to trust that Mike would come to him if he had a problem. At least for now. He had let the kid join in on a meeting today as well. He wanted Mike to feel like he was still being included in their cases, even though Mike was taking a laid back roll. Things was going pretty well.   
Harvey glanced over at Mike. He could see that he was trying to focus on what was going on, but his eyes kept flickering between their client and the papers in front of him, like he wasn’t sure of what he was hearing. Hopefully the client wouldn’t ask him a direct question. Harvey was almost a hundred percent sure that Mike wouldn’t be able to answer. The kid shifted the papers around and looked uncertainly at the client. Harvey thought he could see a thin layer of sweat on the kid’s forehead, his cheeks were also a bit flushed. He probably had a fever. Hopefully their client wouldn’t mistake it for nervousness. 

The meeting came to an end shortly after that. Harvey stood up and shock their hands, but Mike remained sitting. Harvey glared at him, and mentioned for him to stand up, but he just shrugged his shoulders and just sat there. Harvey ignored him and did his best to make sure their clients were entertained and didn’t noticed   
Mike. 

When he had left the clients by the elevator he went back to the conference room to find Mike still at the same spot, hunched down in the chair.

“What’s with you?” He asked. Mike flinched and looked up at him. Yeah, he definitely had a fever. 

“What? Nothing…” He mumbled. 

”Yeah, let’s go. I’m taking you home.”

“No, I’m fine.”

“You are not fine. Don’t argue. Come on.” To his surprise Mike didn’t argue, he was probably not feeling all that well then. Mike however didn’t attempt to get up. He   
just sat there. 

”Come on.”

”Give me a minute.” 

”You okay?”

”I’m tired.” 

A lot tired it turned out. In the end Harvey had to help him up out of the chair, and steady him as he swayed on his feet. His knees almost buckled once he was   
upright, but the kid managed to lock them in time. Harvey still kept a hand on his elbow.

They made their way to the car. Mike fell asleep the moment the Ray closed the car door, and Harvey decided to take Mike to his condo, where he would be able to   
keep an eye on Mike in case this turned for the worse. 

He had to help Mike out and up to the apartment. It was like he was totally drained of energy. He didn’t even speak when Harvey dragged him over to the couch.

“Look Mike,” He said and tried to make eye contact. “I’m going to head back to the office. Will you be all right here?”

“Yeah… sure.” Was all Mike said and closed his eyes. Harvey rolled his eyes and shook him a bit. 

“You even know where you are?”

“Sure.”

“Where?”

“Your place.”

Apparently he was more coherent than he seemed. 

“I’ll be back later. Your phone is on the table. So is your bag.” 

Harvey got a glass of water and quickly made a sandwich for Mike. It was lunch time after all. He also made a sandwich for himself. Mike was asleep by the time he   
left. 

Back at the office he was interrogated by Donna for a while before he could start to get some work done. He had a meeting with Jessica a few hours later. It was   
almost time for him to head over to her office when his phone rang. He looked at it. It was Mike. What was it now? He had only been home a few hours now. 

“Yeah? Mike, what’s up?” he answered.

“Not much. How is the case going?” Mike sounded better, not as tired.

“It’s fine. I think we are ready to move on to the next phase.”

“That’s good.”

”Are you alright?” Harvey asked him. “I know you didn’t call just to ask about the meeting. What’s going on?”

“It’s no big deal Harvey. I just…” 

“You just what?” 

”I was just wondering when you are done?” 

“Why are you wondering that?” 

“Maybe you could come over?” 

“Why? What happened?” 

”I can wait if you are busy, it’s not urgent.”

“Can you just get to the point?” 

“It’s just that…eh… I can’t get up.” 

“Get up? From where?” 

”Eh…” 

”Mike!”

”Well… The floor.”

”You are on the floor?”

“Yeah…” 

“You can’t get up from the floor?”

“Eh no…I tried, but I just can’t. I’m so tired Harvey.” Mike stated indifferently.

“Did you fall? Are you hurt?” 

“No, I think I’m good.”

“But you fell?” 

“Yeah, but I’m good.” 

“Except for the fact that you can’t get off the floor.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Shit! How long have you been there?”

“I don’t know. A while.”

“I’m on my way, okay. I just got to talk to Jessica first. I’ll be there soon.”

“Thanks Harvey.”

“Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

“Yeah…I’m just cold.”

”Shit Mike.” Harvey sighed. ”I’m coming.” Harvey hang up the phone and hurried over to Jessica’s office. Luckily no one was there except her, so he just let himself   
inside. 

“I need to postpone Jessica.” He announced. She looked up.

“You have already done that once Harvey, without a valid reason I might add. We are not postponing again.”

“Yes we are. I have a valid reason.” 

“Let me be the judge of that. What is it?” 

Harvey squirmed a bit. He didn’t want to tell her, since he knew what she thought of Mike, and they had yet to tell her about the cancer. It was probably time to do   
that now soon. He wouldn’t be able to skip work and postpone meetings for much longer without telling her something. So far he hadn’t told her anything about the kid’s illness. 

“Mike” was all he said. 

She reacted just like he thought she would, mostly with anger. She stood up and towered in front of him. 

“That kid, again. What the hell has he done now that he needs you to fix?”

“Jessica…”

“No, Harvey. Don’t you think I know about him?”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s been leaving work early, he’s never at his cubicle, and I have had complains of the quality of his work.” 

“What? From who? From Louis? You can’t believe what he’s been telling you.”

“Harvey that’s not the point here.” 

“You don’t have the whole picture.”

“Then tell me.”

“He needs my help right now.”

“You can’t keep doing this Harvey, defending him like this.” 

Harvey felt angry. He wanted to tell her to shut up, she had no idea what she was talking about. 

“I’m not defending him. I’m helping him out.”

“With what? What are you keeping from me?”

“I sent him home earlier. He is not feeling well, and I need to check up on him.”

“What are you? His caregiver? What has happened to you?”

“So what if I am, Jessica. It’s none of your business. I’m getting the work done.”

“And his?” she questioned.

“He is doing his best.”

Jessica actually stopped herself here. He guessed that she had seen something in his eyes, and sensed his tone. She sat down again. 

“He’s sick?” She asked, quieter now. 

He nodded. 

“He just called me. He’s on the floor and can’t get up by himself.”

“He can’t get up from the floor?” 

Harvey shock his head. 

“That’s why I need to go. Now. I can’t leave him there.”

It was Jessica’s turn to nod now. 

“Fine. Go.” She nodded towards the door. She stopped him before he had reached the door. “Is it serious Harvey?” She asked. He nodded once and locked eyes with   
her for a moment, then left. 

– SUITS –

Mike was really cold. He didn’t know for how long he had been lying there on the floor now. He hadn’t meant to end up there. He really thought he was going to make   
it to the kitchen and back. It wasn’t that far after all. He had been hungry, and it was not an occurrence that happen often so he really had wanted to get something to   
eat. Harvey hadn’t left anything for him on the table, except for water and meds. He deeply regretted his decision now though. He should have just stayed on the   
couch. But how could he have known that he wouldn’t be able to walk? 

The whole thing was pretty embarrassing. Luckily his phone had been in his pocket, so he could call Harvey, otherwise he would have just been forced to lay there the   
entire day and he didn’t want that. He felt so tired and weak. He had ended up on the floor after only a few steps. He got far enough away from the couch though, for   
him to get back to it. At first he thought he was only going to rest a bit on his knees, and then he thought that he was just going to lay down on the floor to rest for a   
bit. It had been kind of nice to rest his warm face against the cool floor. But now, probably hours later, he was so cold. He had tried and tried to heave himself up, but   
eventually realized that he couldn’t. He was too weak! 

He laid there on Harvey’s floor, he had no energy to do anything else. He had hesitated before he called Harvey, but realized that he didn’t have a choice. Harvey   
wouldn’t be home until that evening, and there was no way that he would be able to get up without help. It wouldn’t exactly get easier in a few hours.   
Somehow he managed to fall asleep because when he woke up Harvey was there, shaking him.

“Thank god!” He was saying. ”Are you with me? Are you okay Mike?” 

“Yeah… I’m fine.” He slurred. Harvey just stared at him, and looked like he just had been deeply offended, but Mike was telling him the truth. He was fine, he just   
couldn’t get off the floor.

“Are you hurt?” Harvey asked. 

”No, I’m just tired Harvey.”

“Yeah, I can see that. Were you just napping on the floor?” 

“I was waiting for you.”

“You were sleeping!?” 

“I told you I was tired.” 

“Yes you did.”

Harvey stood up from where he was crouching on the floor next to Mike.

“So you can’t get up?” He asked. 

Mike just shook his head. 

“Can you help me?” he asked and closed his eyes again. 

“Yeah, of course.” Harvey said. ”Hey, don’t fall asleep again.” 

“I’m not.”

“Sure…” Harvey muttered and walked away. Mike could hear him walk around. He came back almost right away. “Okay, let’s get you up from there.” He said. He   
grabbed Mike around the shoulders and heaved him upright. He groaned. 

“Come on, you have to help me out here Mike.” He said. ”You are heavy.” 

Mike had enough with trying to keep his head upright to answer him at that moment. 

Harvey kept him sitting up for a while. He moved around so that he was in front of Mike, holding him up right. Mike could feel that if Harvey let go he wouldn’t be   
able to stay up. Harvey seemed to notice as well because he adjusted his grip. 

“Mike? Are you with me? You won’t be able to stand up, will you?” He asked. 

“No, I don’t…” He whispered. ”I’m sorry Harvey.” 

“No, kid. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault.” Harvey told him. ”Okay, let’s get you to the couch.” 

Somehow Harvey managed to half drag him, half carry him to the couch. It only took them a minute or so, but it left Mike exhausted. He was barely aware of anything   
else after that Harvey got him to lay down on the couch. He feel asleep the matter of seconds. 

– SUITS –

When Harvey opened the door to his apartment, he called out for Mike, but didn’t get a reply. He instantly got worried and hurried inside. When he saw Mike laying   
there sprawled out on the floor, eyes closed, he froze on the spot for several seconds before he rushed to his associates side. He shook Mike, and was extremely   
relieved when to kids eyelashes fluttered open. 

It seemed like the kid was just too tired to get up. He basically had to carry Mike over to the couch, and as soon as he was laying down he was asleep. Harvey sighed   
and sat down on the table by the couch. He sat there and watched Mike sleeping for a couple of minutes. He noticed that Mike was shivering and remembered that   
Mike had been on the floor for maybe hours, he must be cold. Mike was laying on top of the blankets, he didn’t wake up when Harvey pulled them out from   
underneath him, and placed them over him. 

Harvey decided to just stay home for the rest of the day. He didn’t feel comfortable with leaving Mike alone. He didn’t know if this was just Mike being tired, or if it   
was something else more serious in this case. It also didn’t feel right to let the kid wake up alone. He texted both Donna and Jessica to let them know that he wasn’t coming back today. Donna sent him four texts back where she asked him for more details and gave him suggestions about what to do for the kid. 

Mike slept the whole day. He didn’t even stir and Harvey found himself walking up to close to him just to make sure he was breathing. When he saw that he did, he   
felt stupid and went back to his office to work. He cooked dinner for both of them and prepared the plates. He had also made some soup, on Donna’s suggestion, just in case Mike didn’t feel like eating solid food. He woke Mike up, and helped him to sit up. The kid was warm and sweaty and seemed to be a bit confused. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, looking questioningly at Harvey.

“Dinner.” 

Harvey put the plate in front of him, and Mike looked more confused than ever, but he didn’t say anything else just started eating. He finished half of the portion   
before exclaiming he was full, and sank back down on the couch and was asleep within minutes. Harvey woke him again when he was preparing on going to be   
himself. 

“Mike? I’m going to bed. Do you want to change clothes?” 

Mike tiredly turned a bit against him, looked down to see what he was wearing and then just shook his head. 

“Something else I can get you?” Harvey asked him. 

“My meds?” 

“Of course.” 

Harvey got the pills and a glass of water which he placed on the table, and then helped Mike to sit up enough to take the medication. Harvey sat down next to him.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m really tired. It’s weird. All I’ve been doing is sleeping, but I still feel exhausted.” Mike said slowly as he swallowed the last pill. “God…” He groaned and let himself   
fall back down on the pillows. 

“Are you going back to sleep? How can you sleep that much?” Harvey wondered, but wasn’t met with a reply since Mike was asleep already. Harvey put another glass of water and some pain pills on the table so it would be within Mike’s reach if he needed them. He also put his phone close to him. You never know if he might need it. After that Harvey went to bed. 

The next day Harvey went up early and made breakfast. Mike was curled up on the couch under the blankets, Harvey had found two more of them in a cupboard after   
complained that it was cold in the condo. 

Mike slept and slept. Harvey had decided to let him sleep until he woke up by himself, until then he would work from home. He had checked closer on the kid when he   
first woke up, and Mike seemed to be sleeping heavily, but looked flushed and warm. It had caused him to remove one of the blankets. Harvey had almost started to   
get worried when Mike finally woke up. How could someone sleep for so long? He was due both his morning and lunch medication by now. 

Harvey only noticed that Mike was awake when he went by to check on him. He hadn’t said anything or showed that he was awake in any sort of way. He was just lying   
on the couch blinking tiredly up into the ceiling. He didn’t seem aware of anything. His eyes were a bit glassy, which was a clear sign of fever, if nothing else was. 

“Hi kid.” Harvey greeted. “You okay over there?” 

“Hi.” Mike whispered and slowly turned his head to look at him. 

“I guess you are not doing so well, huh?”

Mike just shook his head unhappily. 

“You need to take your pills, Mike.”

Harvey helped him to do just that, and then asked if it was something else he could do, but Mike said it wasn’t. He just laid there on the pillows, clutching the covers   
hard in his fists. He didn’t say anything, but Harvey could feel his eyes following his movements as he walked around in the apartment. Harvey was getting ready to   
get to work, even though he would rather stay at home with the kid. He had tons of work to get to at the office, and Mike would understand that. 

When Harvey got back out in the living room from getting dressed Mike had thrown of the rest of the covers and blankets off him. He looked a bit more awake. 

“You are going to work?”

“Yes, I have to stop by for a few hours.” Harvey said. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” He asked and started to try to get up. 

“Are you serious?” Harvey laughed. ”You are kidding right Mike, because have you taken a look at yourself?” 

“What? I look better then you! Even like this.” He gave up his struggles to get up and fell back on the couch. “How long will you be gone for?” He asked instead. 

“I don’t know, I have two meetings and a bunch of other business to take care of.” 

“You know if you leave me some files I could…”

“No way. You are going to rest. You’re sick.” 

”Thanks.” Mike glared tiredly at him. 

”Well, see you later kid. Give me a call if you need anything.” Harvey started to walk for the door.

“Anything?” Mike called after him. 

”Bye Mike.” He close the door behind him.

– SUITS –

After Harvey left Mike fell asleep again. He was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. Having that minute long conversation with Harvey left him drained. He   
slept for a couple of hours or so and woke up because he was feeling cold. He reached for the covers and found one of them within reach. He dragged it up to his chin and stayed under it for a while. It wasn’t enough though, but he couldn’t reach the others, they were on the floor and he didn’t want to risk falling out of the couch or something. It was better to leave the blankets. He was still really tired and was asleep moments later. 

The next time he woke up he was sweaty and extremely thirsty. Luckily he had a glass of water on the table. He fell asleep. 

The time after that he woke up and felt bad. He felt cold but at the same time the shirt he was wearing was drenched in sweat. He felt confused as well, and had for a   
moment forgotten where he was. 

“Harvey?” He called out. It was getting dark. He was hungry as well and had a headache. There was no answer, and he remembered that Harvey was at work. He wished   
he would come back now. He wanted to get up and get something to eat, he hadn’t eaten since dinner yesterday, and that was not much. He didn’t trust himself to   
get up though. He better wait.

He had been waiting for what felt like hours now. His chest was starting to hurt. It was aching. 

“Harvey?” 

Then he remembered he wasn’t home yet. But he was at Harvey’s apartment, he knew that. It was really starting to hurt. He wanted someone to help him. Now. 

When he was hurting for the first time he had thought that it was only going to be centered on his heart, but as soon as he read up on it, and experienced it, it turned   
out that it was his whole chest. The pain started from the center of his chest and radiated out from there. As he laid there on Harvey’s couch it just got worse. He managed to turn around on his stomach and hugged his chest as much he could. It helped a tiny bit. Where was Harvey? 

– SUITS –

Harvey’s day passed slowly. He debated on calling Mike, but settled with texting him. He didn’t get a reply. The kid was probably sleeping. He asked Donna if she had   
heard from Mike, but she hadn’t. 

”Are you worried?” She asked him. 

”Not particularly.” 

”How was he this morning?” 

”Not great. He slept for hours. Not only the whole day yesterday, but really long this morning as well. I’m pretty sure he has a fever as well.” 

“He did? You should get back home to him Harvey. It’s late. Did you leave enough water for him? It’s important to stay hydrated.” 

”I left him a glass of water.” 

“Just one glass? I should head over and check on him.”

“No, it’s okay Donna. I will head home now. He is probably just sleeping.” He tried to calm her. 

“Call me as soon as you get home.”

“Yes, I will.” 

They parted ways by the elevator and Harvey went home. 

Mike was on his stomach on the couch, his head was turned against the back of it, and it seemed like he was hugging himself. 

“Mike? Are you doing okay?” He asked quietly in case he was sleeping. 

He wasn’t. Mike let out a quiet moan and turned his head around. 

“Harvey?”

“Yeah. Hey.” 

“Help me?” Mike said, and it got Harvey in motion. What was wrong?

“Of course Mike. What do you need Mike?”

“It hurts.”

“Okay, pain killers it is.” He got everything and came back to the kid. ”Mike, I have them here.”

Mike didn’t move at all.

“Mike.” He held out his hand and Harvey put the pills on it. Mike dried swallow them and breathed out deeply. Harvey patted his shoulder. The kid was really warm. He   
could feel it through the blanket. The glass on the table was empty, so he got another one for him. 

He let Mike be for a while, but made sure to be close by in case the kid needed him. He had never seen Mike like this before. This was different from how Mike   
became after chemo. This was a different kind of sick. It was not something that he was used to, in fact he couldn’t remember a time where he had taken care of   
anyone that was this sick before. He felt unsure. Also something that he was unfamiliar with feeling. Mike called out for him about thirty minutes later. 

“Harvey? Are you there?” 

”Yes, I’m here. What can I do Mike?” He surprised himself. 

“I’m really hungry. Do you think that maybe you could get me something? I’m really tired and I…Please?” 

”Shit.” Harvey swore. ”You haven’t eaten today?” Of course he hadn’t. He was too sick to get off the couch. Why hadn’t he thought of that? 

He hurried to the kitchen and made the kid a sandwich, it would have to do for now. He didn’t want Mike to have to wait longer than necessary. He could cook   
something for them later. 

Mike was still on his stomach when he got back, and Harvey realized that he would have to lift Mike into a sitting position, it didn’t look like he would be able to do it   
himself. He thought right. Mike did try, but couldn’t manage. He let out something close to a sob in frustration when he was too weak to raise himself up, and Harvey   
quickly turned him and heaved him upright. 

The sandwich was gone pretty fast, and Mike still had some room for some soup that Harvey heated up for both of them. He gave it to Mike in a cup and did the same   
for himself. 

Mike claimed that he was feeling a bit better after that, and Harvey helped him to the bathroom. The watched some TV and went to bed. Mike could amazingly fall   
asleep again, and slept the whole night. 

The next day was kind of a repeat of the previous one. Mike stayed on the couch and slept, and Harvey left for work. This time he left both food, water bottles and   
pain killers within reach from the couch, and when he got home that evening Mike was a bit better than he had been the day before, at least he didn’t fall asleep all   
the time. He still had a high fever though. Harvey had been in contact with Mike’s doctor that morning. Mike was due for chemo that day, but they postponed it until   
Mike was feeling better. Doctor Lundin warned Harvey about a prolonged fever and asked him to call him back if Mike got any worse. The problem was that Harvey   
wasn’t sure if he would be able to tell what would be worse enough to warrant a call. 

Mike was also complaining of chest pains, and Harvey felt bad for him. Was that why he didn’t sleep? As if the fever wasn’t enough. The fever must be pretty high   
because the kid seemed a bit confused. Harvey had bought a thermometer on his way back from work. He wasn’t really looking forward to using it, but thought it   
might be a good thing to have in the house now. 

“What are you doing?” Mike whined when he tried to use it on him. 

“I’m taking your temperature.” 

“What? Why?” Mike squirmed and tried to avoid him. 

”Hey, keep still.” 

”No, what are you doing?” 

“Just stay still. It’s over soon.” It was like he was talking to a five year old or something. 

“I just don’t know what’s going on.” Mike whispered then, and Harvey gave up taking his temp. It could wait for a while. 

“You have a fever Mike, and it is messing with your head a bit.”

“Yeah…I have a headache.” 

“You want some more water?” 

“No…”

”It’s important to get a lot of fluids in you when you have a fever.”

“Did you talk to Donna?” 

“Shut up and drink your water.” With more effort that should be necessary for a task like that, he did what Harvey told him. 

Harvey sat down in a chair opposite of Mike with some files. He had a lot to do now a days. He didn’t want to hand his work off to someone else, he didn’t even   
consider to give it to another associate. It didn’t seem fair to Mike. But it left him with a lot of work. 

After a while Mike started to get more agitated. He moved around weakly on the couch and threw glances in Harvey’s direction once in a while. 

“You good?” Harvey asked eventually. 

Mike shock his head and looked scared. Harvey had no idea why. 

“What’s wrong then kid?” He asked. 

“It hurts. My chest hurts. Right here.” He pointed and looked up at Harvey. He twisted around on the couch and then threw the blankets off him. “I don’t get why it has   
to hurt so much.” He mumbled, more to himself than to Harvey. He pressed with both hands against his chest as if he was trying to get rid of the hurt by doing that. 

Harvey didn’t know what to do to help him. He couldn’t take away Mike’s pain like that. He had given Mike pain killers earlier, and it was too soon to give him any   
more now, maybe in an hour or two. 

“It will get better soon Mike.” He said. 

Mike just looked at him and nodded. Harvey could see in his eyes that he didn’t believed him. 

He didn’t get any better. If anything Mike got worse. He suddenly wanted to get up off the couch. At least that was what Harvey guessed that he was trying to do. The   
blankets was in the way for him though and he struggled with trying to get them off him. 

“Harvey?” He asked. “I need…I need to go now.” 

“Where are you going Mike?”

“I need go to go. I’m late.” He stated. 

“You are not late for anything. Lay back down.” 

“No, no. No I can’t. I need to go.”

They went back and forth like that for a while, until Harvey managed to convince him to lay there for another hour, and then he could leave. Hopefully Mike would   
have forgotten about that in an hour. For the state he was in it was a high possibility. 

“Why am I here?” Mike asked him and looked around him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Why am I at your place? I don’t… I don’t remember. Why don’t I remember? I always remember Harvey. Everything.” 

“You are sick Mike, that’s why you are here.”

“No I’m not!” 

“Yes you are.” 

“It’s just hurts a bit, it’s not so bad. I’m not sick.” Mike argued. Harvey sighed, suddenly tired of dealing with it all. 

“You have heart cancer, you are deadly sick!” he said harshly, and almost immediately regretted it when he saw the expression on Mike’s pale face change. He got quiet and stared somewhere to the left of Harvey’s head.

“I’m sorry Mike. I shouldn’t have said that. I just mean that you need to take it easy and rest now, okay?” Mike silently nodded. He pulled the blankets back over him   
and fisted them hard in his hands. He was quiet for a while. Harvey was too, he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to make things worse. They hadn’t spoken   
about this before, about the fact that Mike in fact was deadly ill. Now was not really a good time to talk about it though, not with Mike half delirious from fever. It only   
took a few minutes until Mike confirmed that it had been a bad idea to bring that up.

“I don’t want to die Harvey! I don’t want to die…” he whispered. 

“Mike, calm down.” Harvey started.

“I’m going to die right? I don’t want to die. What if I die?” 

“Come on, stop. You are not going to die.”

“It feels like I am sometimes Harvey.”

“Well, you are not.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Yes I do. Because I won’t let you. It is as simple as that.” He locked eyes with Mike, and held it. Mike paused a bit, his whole face radiating of hesitation. 

“You won’t? Really?” 

“Yes Mike.” 

“But how?” He questioned. 

“Just go to sleep now.” Harvey pulled up the cover over the kid again after he had thrown it away.

“But I… I…”

“It’s okay. You should try and get some sleep now.” 

“But what if I don’t wake up again? I don’t want to sleep.”

“I’ll be here Mike, I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen.” 

“You will?”

“Yes, of course. You will be fine. You will wake up and you’ll feel better.” 

Harvey wasn’t sure if it was because Mike believed him, or if it was because he was simply exhausted, but Mike did fall asleep after that. It only took minutes. But   
Harvey didn’t move. There was no way he could now. 

– SUITS –

Mike didn’t know what was going on around him. He felt so tired and confused when he woke up again. He also felt really bad, sweaty and aching. Harvey was there   
and acting weird. It was nice that he was there, because he felt confused and a bit scared, but he figured that if Harvey was there things wouldn’t get any worse at   
least. 

He tried to ask Harvey things, things about what was going on, why he was there, why he didn’t know the answer to his questions himself. He didn’t really get good   
answers from Harvey. He just kept telling him to relax and lay down again and try to sleep, but Mike didn’t want to do that. He wanted to know and he wanted control.   
He just didn’t know how to get any of that. 

He didn’t even know which day it was or what time it was. Harvey said that it was night time, and that he needed to sleep. But weren’t they going to work? He wasn’t   
really sure that it was a good idea for him to work. He might mix up some stuff. His brain was not in order. He felt really, really warm too. He threw away the blankets,   
but Harvey put them back on him. He then tried to throw them on the floor when Harvey wasn’t looking, but it didn’t work. 

“Stop doing that. You are getting them all dirty.” Harvey told him. Mike had to look down on the floor, but it was nothing there. 

“No, it’s fine.” He explained to Harvey, who just sighed and sat down again. 

“Well, I don’t want my things on the floor.” 

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, it’s fine. You are going to get cold if you don’t have the blankets Mike.” Harvey said. 

“No, I’m really warm. I won’t get cold.”

“Okay.” 

Harvey got up and walked away after a while. Mike was trying to sleep, but the other man’s movements made him more alert. Where was he going? He tried to sit up   
and see, but he couldn’t. He had no idea why. It scared him. He felt tired, so tired, but he didn’t want to go to sleep. He couldn’t. Not now. 

“Harvey?” He called out for him. Mike wanted him back. Now. 

“Yeah.” Harvey shouted. 

“Where did you go?”

Harvey came walking back to him again. “I just got some stuff he said.” It was true because he put some stuff down on the table. Mike couldn’t really see what it was,   
but he didn’t care. Harvey was sitting down again. He was closer now. That was good, because Mike felt as if he was floating. Distances seemed really big, but Harvey   
was close. The room felt huge and he was so small, he wasn’t sure if the room had windows or not. He couldn’t see them. He reached out towards them, or the place   
where they should be but he felt nothing. Harvey brought his hand down again and put it on the couch. He touched his head and told him to lay still. Something was   
in his ear then, and he shook his head. 

“Mike, it’s okay.” Harvey was saying. But it didn’t feel okay. That thing was cold and hard, it didn’t belong there. “It will just take a second. Can you kept still?” Harvey   
asked him kindly. He sounded really nice. He usually didn’t talk to Mike like that. He did what Harvey wanted. Because if he didn’t, maybe Harvey would walk away   
again. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be here alone. Everything was so big around him, it felt like he was sinking down as everything grew around him. He   
grabbed Harvey’s arm. 

“You are not leaving, right?” He asked. He really needed to know. Because if he were, Mike needed to stop him. 

“No, I’m still here.” Harvey told him. 

That was good.

– SUITS –

Harvey checked the thermometer again. He really didn’t know much about this stuff, but 103,7 seemed really high to him. He would have to text Donna again and   
ask. He had done it earlier and asked for advice. She had told him to keep Mike dehydrated and cool. He had also managed to get two pills into Mike after some   
convincing. It was kind of exhausting to get someone who was delirious with fever and not at all interested in putting something in their mouth to take two pills. But   
Harvey was a damn good closer after all. 

”You are not leaving are you?” Mike asked him again. “Please can you stay Harvey? Just a little longer?” He didn’t know how to say no to that. He wouldn’t do that, of   
course. He had asked him the same question many times now.

“Yeah Mike, I’m staying.” He had tried to ask Mike why he thought he was leaving, but couldn’t get a straight answer out of him. The kid kept staring around the room   
with glassy eyes, and sometimes his hand flew up as if he tried to grab something. Harvey really hoped that the fever would go down soon. Otherwise he would have   
to get the kid to a hospital. 

“Harvey? Are you here?” Mike suddenly asked him.

“Yes, Mike. I am, I’m right here.” He patted his arm a bit. Mike had a strong grip of his sweatshirt. 

“I didn’t know if you were.” Mike whispered. 

“I was.”

“I don’t feel so good.”

“I know. It will pass. You will feel better soon again.”

It was close to three in the morning when Mike seemed to get a little bit better. Or rather he fell asleep. Harvey spent another night in the chair next to him.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14. 

Harvey’s neck was hurting when he woke up. He noticed that he had fallen asleep with his head turned to the side in a weird angle. He tried to move his head a bit to get rid of the pain and it lessened some. He looked over at the couch and saw that Mike was still out. He was sprawled out on his back with the blankets covering only half his body. Harvey sleepily got up and pulled them over his chest as well. The kid didn’t react. Yesterday had been terrible. Harvey had been so worried. Much more than he cared to admit. He had wanted to just bring Mike to the hospital, but now he was kind of glad that he didn’t. Mike would probably not have thanked him. Not that it was his call going or not. If he got that sick, the hospital was where he belonged. But still, Harvey was conflicted because Mike wasn’t all that enthusiastic about the hospital at all, and if he could avoid being there he would be grateful Harvey was sure of it. 

He also wondered how much of the previous night Mike would remember when he woke up again. By the look of him, he still had a fever, but he looked much better now and would probably be more coherent. Hopefully he wouldn’t remember everything, which would be better for both of them actually. It would just become awkward. He would have to wait and see. 

It was still pretty early. Harvey had only gotten about four hours of sleep. The uncomfortable sleeping position was the only reason he was up in the first place. It was a few hours left until he had to be at the office. But could he go and leave Mike alone? Mike had asked him to stay yesterday. Sure he was kind of delirious, but he had asked him to be there. He had been alone the whole day and who knew what had been going on in his head.

He knew that Mike was struggling more than he let on, but he had chosen to not call him on it. He just figured that when Mike was ready to ask for help he would. Hopefully at least, otherwise he would have to talk some sense into the kid. 

For now Harvey decided to take an extra half hour of sleep in his comfortable bed. It turned out to be a good decision because he felt better rested when he woke up again. Mike was still asleep. For a moment he stood there and watched him sleep, trying to suppress the suddenly intense longing for everything to be as it was before the cancer. In that case he would have thrown a pillow on Mike’s head a long time ago, and threatened him with no breakfast if he didn’t get out of bed right away. As it was now, he just shook his head to himself and went to have breakfast by himself.

He carefully shook Mike awake and watch his confused expression change into an embarrassed one. 

“Good morning.” Harvey said. 

“Eh…Hi.” Mike answered blinking tiredly up at him. “What time is it?”

“8:30. I was thinking of heading to the office. How are you feeling?”

“Uh… I just woke up. I don’t know.” 

“Well, can you figure it out, because I want to know if I can leave you here or not?”

“What? You think that I will trash your place?” 

“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about.” Harvey smirked. Mike seemed better. 

“So you are worried?” Mike smiled back. Harvey got serious at once. 

“Mike seriously, how are you feeling? Will you be okay on your own or not?”

Mike paled a bit but nodded. 

“I feel okay. I’m better than yesterday.”

“Good.” 

They both got quite after that. But then started to talk again at the same time.

“Harvey about yesterday, I was…”

“Look Mike, last night…” 

They both stopped at the same time. Harvey was the one to start again first.

“You had a pretty high fever, it was up to 103. How much do you remember?”

“Some of it I guess. It is a bit hazy. I was pretty out of it right?”

“You could say that.”

“I’m sorry Harvey, I just, I don’t really know what I was saying.”

“Don’t worry about it, it was not your fault.”

“Yeah, but still. It must have been weird having to deal with me like that.”

“Not weirder than normal kid.” 

“Ha ha.”

Harvey caught Mike’s eyes with his. “I didn’t mind Mike.” 

“Thanks.” Mike said quietly. 

“Don’t mention it. I’m heading to work. Everything is set up on the counter for you. Can you walk?”

“Yes, I can walk. Just go would you.” Mike actually smiled at him, and Harvey took it as a good sign. He left shortly after making sure that Mike would call him if he had any problem. 

– SUITS –

Mike had an okay day. He slept, watched TV, cooked a bit for himself and watched some more TV. He thought about trying to get some work done, and went to look in his bag only to discover it empty. He suspected that it was Harvey’s doing. So he just decided to do what his boss apparently wanted, and didn’t do any work. Not that he could do so much anyway. 

When he finally allowed himself to relax he found it pretty nice to not have to think about work. Only, it caused him to start to think about other stuff. Stuff that he didn’t want to think about. He wished he had company. 

He still had a fever, but it was much better today. Tomorrow he had a doctor’s appointment again. He would have to do the chemo treatment as well, and radiation. Busy day tomorrow. He wondered for how long he could keep this a secret to rest of the people at work. Harvey had mentioned that he should tell Jessica what was going on. That was probably a good idea since she could fire him if she found out how much he was skipping work lately. He wouldn’t be able to go tomorrow either, because of the hospital visit. 

A good thing was that he could stay at Harvey’s place. It was so much nicer than his, and a lot closer to the hospital. Harvey had told him that he could stay here as much as he wanted. But he should probably head over to his own place the day after tomorrow. At least to make sure everything was in order there. Pay some bills maybe. Maybe he could also bring over more of his stuff to Harvey’s place. Or maybe he should stay at his own place for a few days. He didn’t want Harvey to get tired of him or anything. He probably should give Harvey a break. 

– SUITS –

Harvey unlocked the door to his condo and quietly closed it behind him. He had left pretty early after doing only what he needed for the day. He stepped inside and looked around to see if Mike was up. He was, kind of. He was lying sprawled out on the couch on his stomach with his face half buried in the many pillows Harvey had added there recently after Mike had complained that the couch was too uncomfortable. He had a blanket draped over him and he had a hoodie on with the hood up over his head, indicating that he was probably cold. Harvey made a mental note to get another blanket for the couch, or a warmer one. He stepped closer and inspected the area around Mike. His meds were there on the table but he didn’t see any evidence of that Mike had been eating something. A glass half full of juice was there though. 

He went over to the kitchen and opened the fridge to find something to cook for both of them. Mike’s doctor had been talking to him about Mike’s nutrition and had suggested that they added more fruits, vegetables and whole grain to their meals. Something that Mike didn’t find exciting at all. He had suggested that they could order vegetarian pizza once in a while, but Harvey had ignored him and had proceeded to take the doctor’s advice seriously. The first time Harvey added broccoli and beans into a dinner dish Mike had been on him about it, but Harvey had just asked him to eat and shut up and get better. Mike had looked at him for a long time before he seemed to realize that Harvey was serious. He didn’t seem that fond of the changes that Harvey was making regarding food, but so far he hadn’t complained about it. 

He made an omelet with some ham and tomatoes and poured them both some orange juice. He then walked over to the couch with the food and drinks and put them on the table. He put them down rather loudly in the hopes to wake up Mike. He slept on though. Harvey sighed and went up to him and shook his shoulder. 

“Hey Mike, time to wake up.” 

Mike jerked awake, and looked confusingly up at him. 

“Oh, you are home!” He exclaimed happily. “How was work?”

“Excellent. Do you want some food? I see you have been cooking today.” 

“What? Yeah, sure. How did you know I have been cooking?”

“You left the dishes.”

“Oh. Yeah, I forgot.”

“Yes, you did. Come on. Get up.” 

They had dinner together and then decided to watch a movie. Mike complained about Harvey’s choice of a movie, and annoyed him by quoting the entire dialog a few   
seconds before the characters said them. They ended up having a good evening. Mike seemed to be doing a lot better and claimed that he was. He didn’t think that he had a fever any longer. 

“So can I stay here for tomorrow night as well?” Mike asked him when the end credits rolled.

“Sure you can. I told you that you can stay here as much as you like.” 

“Thank you, Harvey. I really appreciate that you know.”

“You would probably get sicker if you stayed at your place. It’s a mold infestation.” 

“I don’t have mold.” 

“Smells like it does.”

“No, it doesn’t. It’s just because you are used to the smell for this place.”

Harvey interrupted him. “Of soap, or what?” 

Mike just smiled. “Anyway. Thanks.” He repeated. 

“Yeah, sure kid.” 

“I have to go to the hospital tomorrow.”

“You got another treatment?”

“Yes.”

“You need company?” Harvey casually asked.

“No, I’m good.” 

They went to sleep after that. 

– SUITS –

Mike tossed and turned on the couch. He couldn’t sleep. He was not looking forward to tomorrow. It had been a few days since he had a treatment session, and he sort of had forgot how bad it felt every time. Or, he had done his best to try to forget it. But he was nervous. He had an appointment with his doctor first where they would discuss his progress so far and results of more tests. 

He couldn’t sleep. His thoughts were going around in circles in his head. They got darker and darker, and soon he felt like crying again. What was up with that? It just felt like he had a big hole in his chest. He felt scared and alone. He tried to convince himself that it was okay, and he wasn’t alone. Harvey was in the next room. He was right? What if he had left? What if he actually was alone? He tried to listen and see if he could hear Harvey. He couldn’t. He debated back and forth and then he had to go up and make sure. 

He stumbled a bit and cursed his body for not reacting as he wanted it to when he stood up to fast. He had to do it slowly. It was so dark. Harvey apparently liked it when it was dark when he slept. Mike did not. At least not now. He also didn’t like the big windows. He felt exposed. 

He walked quietly over to Harvey’s bedroom. He was there! He was laying on his side with his back against Mike. He was breathing deeply indicating that he was very much asleep. Mike stood there for a moment and wished that he would wake up. That he would somehow sense that Mike was standing there. But he didn’t, and Mike went back to his bed on the couch after a minute or so. 

The blankets had gone cold, and he shivered under them. He buried his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes tightly, knowing that he could never fall asleep in this position. He didn’t know how long he lay there. He thought it was getting lighter outside.

He must have gotten a few hours of sleep because he woke up from Harvey scrambling around in the kitchen. He went to take a shower and joined Harvey for dinner. They talked for a while, and Harvey said that he would arrange for Ray to drive him to the hospital. He could also drive him back if Mike wanted. And he said yes to that as well. Harvey left after that, and Mike cleaned the breakfast away. 

He waited an hour or so, before it was time to head over to the hospital once again. Ray was waiting for him when he got down to the street. He stepped out and opened the door for Mike. 

“We are going to the hospital, right Mister Ross?” He asked. 

“Yes we are Ray.”

“Are you doing alright, Mike?” The other man asked him kindly, and Mike found that he suddenly wanted to invite Ray to the secret of cancer. 

“Not really.” He said. “Actually I’m pretty sick, as you may have guessed.”

“Yes, I’ve been suspecting it for some time now. Sorry for saying it, but you don’t look so good.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m not doing so well. I have cancer in my heart.” He said. Just like that he had said it. He could hear Ray draw deep breath. 

“I am so sorry to hear that Mike.” He said quietly. “I am truly sorry. That is certainly really bad news.” 

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Will…will you be alright?” Ray asked him carefully.

“I don’t know.” Was all Mike could think of answering. It got quiet after that. Ray probably didn’t know what else to say now. Mike could understand that. But he suddenly wanted to talk about it. 

“They haven’t told me much yet. I think I will find out today.”

“I hope you will get some positive news then.” 

“So do I.” 

“Harvey is helping you out?” Ray asked then. 

“Yeah he is. He is great.” This was easier to talk to. He told Ray about what Harvey had been doing for him. He told him that Harvey and Donna, and now Ray were the only people who knew. He told him about how hard and awkward it was to talk about it with people. Ray just listened and came with some inputs or questions sometimes, and before Mike knew they were at the hospital. 

“We are here. Good luck Mike. I will wait for you when you are done.”

“Thank you Ray. It means a lot.” 

“Let me know if you need help with everything else. I like you Mike, I’m happy to help.”

He hooked the horn once as he drove off. Mike smiled to himself and went inside.

– SUITS –

Harvey turned the lock on the door and quietly closed the door behind him. He knew that Mike had been to the hospital today for treatment, and he usually felt bad after that. Maybe he was sleeping now. It was pretty late actually. He talked to Mike once during the day. He had been in the middle of chemo when Harvey had called him. The kid hadn’t said much. He just gave short answers on Harvey’s questions and then claimed that he was tired. It was clear to Harvey that he didn’t want to talk. He wanted to know why. 

He had had a long day at the office. He had much to do. He had went to a few meetings. His mind however kept circling back to the conversation he had with Mike. What was up with the kid? It was time to find out. Unless he was sleeping. He couldn’t hear any sound from the apartment, like from the TV or so. However when he started to walk inside of his condo he could hear something. He froze on the spot when he stepped into the kitchen area. It was Mike, and he was crying.

The apartment was held in darkness, but Harvey could distinguish the shape of Mike curled up on the couch. He had his knees drawn up and had his head buried in his arms. He let out harsh sobs that were kind of muffled. He hadn’t noticed that Harvey was there, watching him. It had been a long time since he had seen Mike cry like this. The last time was the night that Mike had told him about the cancer. He had seen him on a few occasions when he got home from work with puffed and red eyes, like he had been crying, but they hadn’t talked about it. Harvey had thought about mention it to Mike, but obviously the kid didn’t want to talk about it. 

Harvey’s heart sank a bit more than it already had at the thought of that Mike had been doing this before. Sitting in the darkness crying his eyes out to himself. That poor kid. He had to step up and do something about this, right now. 

He stepped forward and approached the couch and Mike. 

“Mike.” He said quietly and watched the kid for a reaction. He got one. Mike jerked in surprise of his voice and looked up at him. He looked terrible even in the dim light. His eyes were red as were the rest of his face. Tears were smeared across his face. He looked shocked at seeing Harvey standing in front of him. 

“Har-Harvey… you are home” he said and did a desperate attempt to stop crying. He wiped his face. 

“Yeah, kid. I’m home.” he went around the coffee table and took a seat next to Mike. Harvey watched as Mike tried in vain tried to compose himself. He was unsuccessful, and his breaths came out in irregular pants. Eventually he seemed to give up and just lowered his head back down onto his arms that were still hugging his knees tightly. He apparently tried to at least cry more quietly. Harvey sat there in awkward silence. He should probably say something. So he did. 

”Hey Mike.” he started. “What’s wrong?” 

Mike didn’t look up or say anything. What he did was that he cried a bit louder. Harvey sighed and shifted a bit on the couch. Then he got up and sat down closer to the kid. So close that they were almost touching. He then stretched out a hand and put it out Mike’s arm, and held it there. 

Mike continued to cry, pulling at Harvey’s heartstrings. Harvey patted his arm a bit, and held on to him again. After a few minutes he started to calm down a bit. Neither of them had said something. 

“I’m sorry.” Mike whispered when he was able to talk again. ”I just… I was just…” he stopped and finally looked up at Harvey with a pained expression. “Harvey…” he whimpered and let out a few shaky breaths. 

“Yeah. It’s okay kid.” Harvey said kindly. ”Now, can you tell me what’s got you so upset?” 

“Ye-yeah. Sure.” He paused after that and didn’t say anything else for a while. Harvey watched him closely until he realized that Mike was trapped in his own thoughts. 

“Mike?”

He jerked a bit and leaned away from Harvey. Tears were glistening in his eyes. 

“Today, at the hospital... I had an appointment with my doctor.” 

“Okay. And what happened? What did he say?”

”We talked about my prognosis. They have gotten all the test results by now. And… Harvey it’s bad.” 

“What is it?” 

“They said…they said that I…” He had to stop for a while. “That most patients with heart cancer have a year at the most. That means that I have like 10-11 months left to live Harvey!” Tears were streaming down his cheeks again and Harvey felt his own eyes start to water. He bit his teeth hard together to help will his tears away. Not in front of Mike! 

“I don’t want to die.” Mike breathed out.

“That is not going to happen to you Mike.” 

“But they said…”

“I know Mike, but you can beat this. I know that you can. And you will.” 

“You keep saying that Harvey, but you can’t know that.” 

“Yes I do.”

Mike just stared at him. He was biting his lip, and wiped his face. “They said that my changes are like 1 in 10 of surviving this. That means that it is a 90 percent change that I will be dead within a year. 90 percent Harvey!”

“Which also means that we have 10 percent chance of beating this thing Mike! We have dealt with worse!” 

“Yeah, when? That’s bullshit!” he wiped his eyes again. 

“You know what?” Harvey got up from the couch. Suddenly he felt so angry. “It sounds like you have given up already! So the odds are low? Did we ever let that stop us before Mike?”

Mike refused to look at him. 

“Mike!” He was almost yelling by now, and Mike flinched and then shock his head a tiny bit. 

“No we haven’t” Harvey took a deep breath and sat down next to the kid again. He had to calm down. Getting upset and yelling was not going to help the situation. Mike was shaking where he was on the couch, it seemed like he was holding his breath. It struck Harvey how young he looked. He then did something that he had never done with anyone before. He slowly put his arm around Mike’s shoulder, and pulled him the tiniest bit closer to himself. At first Mike tensed and pushed against him, but then in one breath he sagged against Harvey, head bowed and Harvey could feel how he was shaking. He realized that the kid was silently crying again. 

“It will be okay. I should have been there with you today.” He told him. 

“You will get through it Mike. We are going to take it one day at the time.” He felt Mike nodding against him, his head pressing harder against his shoulder. Harvey noticed that Mike carefully had grasped his shirt in one of his hands and now was holding on to it tightly. He let him. “It’s okay.” He whispered when Mike didn’t move at all. Mike drew a shaky breath and Harvey felt how his grip tightened. 

They sat there until Mike had quieted down. Harvey had thought that it would be best if he just let Mike be until he was ready. After all it must have been pretty tough to get news like that, and then just go back to an empty apartment. He deserved some comfort, and Harvey was actually glad he could provide it.   
Mike started to struggle against him suddenly. 

“Let go!” He whispered desperately and Harvey got scared that he had done something terrible wrong. What was Mike doing? He immediately realized him and leaned away from the kid. Mike tried to get up from the couch. Harvey was just going to help him when he managed. Mike stumbled away towards the bathroom. Before Harvey got to his feet he could hear retching. Shit!

In all of this he had forgotten that Mike was going to react to the treatment as well. He had been prepared for that, but had forgotten about it now after Mike’s news. They were certainly bad. 10 percent. Mike had 10 percent chance of surviving. It was a ninety percent change that the kid would be gone within a year. Harvey felt sick. He wanted to scream and hit things. He wished for a moment that he could go to the gym, box a little. That would feel amazing. But he was needed here. If he felt like this now, how was Mike feeling. 

No wonder the kid hadn’t wanted to talk before. 

He followed Mike into the bathroom and found him leaning over the toilet. He was retching and sobbing. It didn’t look like it was anything then bile by now. Harvey felt so bad for him. 

– SUITS –

He just wished it would stop. He didn’t want to do this right now. He wanted to go back to the couch with Harvey. He wanted to forget. He wanted to not be throwing up! He hated it. But there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening. 

When he thought he was done he let himself sink down to the floor. 

“Hey Mike, don’t lay down there kid.” Harvey was saying. He was next to him and held him up by his shoulders. 

“Stop it. Let me lay down. I need to lay down now.” 

“Yeah, okay. But can you wait one second though?”

When Harvey let him down it was a thick towel on the floor under him. He was on his stomach, and could see Harvey sitting down on the carpet next to him. 

“I have never done this before.” He said. “Camped down in the bathroom. Do you want something to drink?”

Mike just shook his head. He didn’t want anything. He wanted to sleep, but felt to sick. Today had been a really shitty day. The news he got from the doctor was way worse than he had imagined. But if he rationalized he should have been expecting it. It was heart cancer after all, but it was still hard to take in. He could actually die. Until now he kind of had been thinking all along that he would be okay after all. Sure it would be tough but he would be okay in the end. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore. He had become kind of paralyzed at the doctor’s office. Doctor Lundin was really good though and they talked for a long time. Mike was mostly quiet and the doctor talked. He told him about other patients that had survived, at least for a few years, when Mike asked closer. They talked about how the treatment was going as well. So far it wasn’t that much changes so they would keep it up for a while longer, the same as they were doing now. He said that he understood that it was much to take in and he suggested that Mike should go to a physiatrist, and gave him a name. It would help, he said. Mike wasn’t sure. 

He had felt numb when he went to the treatment. He just did everything they told him to. Ray was waiting for him when he got out, and for a moment he thought that he would lose it, right then and there. But he managed to keep it together. He just told Ray that he was tired and feigned sleep the entire ride. Ray didn’t call him on it. 

When he got in to the empty apartment he went straight to the couch and fell asleep. He slept a few hours. It was almost dark when he woke up. He didn’t bother turning any lights on. Harvey hadn’t been home. He had really wished for him to be there when he fell apart. 

It had felt good to let it out. And when he started he couldn’t stop. He was just so scared. He felt terrified. He felt like he was all alone in a war against hundreds of thousands of faceless enemies. They just came rushing in over him and he couldn’t defend himself at all. Nothing he did was going to help. But then Harvey came and everything felt a tiny bit better for a while. 

It felt worse again now, when he was lying there on the floor in Harvey’s bathroom. Harvey was sitting close to him. He still had his suit on. It was comforting. He reached out towards Harvey, he just wanted to hold on to him. He felt like he needed to be anchored somehow. The only thing he could grab onto was Harvey’s pants. He held on to the fabric as hard as he could. He knew that he was crying, but he felt too bad to care. 

“Okay Mike, okay. It’s going to be okay. You just hang in there.” 

He let himself be comforted by the words. He chose not to put any meaning behind them, just the fact that Harvey was there and talking calmly to him was enough.   
It took twenty minutes before he had to throw up again. Harvey gave him some water to rinse his mouth with after. He managed to sleep some after that, there on the floor. When he woke again he was covered with a blanket and had a small pillow under his head. He had no idea how Harvey had managed to get it in under his head without him waking up. He got sick again. His mouth tasted awful. He was exhausted, had a strong headache and felt so nauseated he didn’t know what to do with himself. 

He needed to throw up again. But suddenly he couldn’t heave himself up. His arms wouldn’t cooperate. He managed to get up on his elbows but not further. 

“Har…Harvey?”

“Yeah Mike. I’m here.” 

“I need help.”

“Of course, what can I do?” 

“Up.”

“Okay. Yeah. I’ll help you. On three.” He counted and heaved him upright on three. He didn’t let go after that, until Mike was laying down again. On his back this time. Harvey said that was better. 

“Harvey?” he asked. 

“Yeah.”

“Do you…Do you think I’m going to die?”

“No, I don’t.” Harvey answered. “Mike, I don’t think that you are going to die.” 

“I…I’m…I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Harvey nodded next to him. 

“I think you can beat this Mike, I have told you that before.” 

“I don’t want to die.”

“I don’t want you to die either, kid.” Harvey said quietly. “Just…you just got to keep fighting it.” 

“How?” Mike mumbled. 

“One day at the time Mike. And I’m right next to you.”

“Okay.” 

He actually felt a bit better after that. Reassured actually. He would store these words in his mind and pick them out when he needed them.   
The night passed slowly, but Mike didn’t get worse. Harvey was there the entire time. Mike was so grateful for that. He said it a few times as well, and Harvey said it was no problem. 

“You are my responsibility remember?” He smirked. “I got to make sure you keep functioning.” 

“Right. Thanks for that.” 

“You ready to get off the floor or what?” 

“Yep. I think so.”


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15.

Mike kind of felt unsure about how he should go on now. He had been told yesterday that it was likely that he would die in less than a year. How are you supposed to handle knowing something like that? Sure it wasn’t final. It wasn’t a certain death sentence. But it was as close as he could get. 

He had thought a bit about the things he wanted to do before he died, if that were to happen. But even though that he had things to put on the list none of them seemed important enough. He felt that if the worst were to happen it would and it was nothing he would be able to do about it. The knowledge of the prognosis lingered however, always in the back of his mind now. He thought it would now too, at least for a while before he would be able to if not except it, at least get used to it a bit more. 

He was on the couch. It was early morning and Harvey was still asleep. Mike had woken up about an hour ago. He felt pretty tired so he just laid there. Maybe he would get up when he heard that Harvey was awake. He wanted to go to work today. It would be nice to get something else to think about. He wanted that, he wanted a distraction more than anything right now. 

“Hey! You are awake already.” Harvey came out into the living room. “You feeling better?” He asked. Mike sat up.

“Yeah, I am. I’m tired and all but I’m feeling pretty okay.”

“Let’s have breakfast then.”

“I’m going with you to work.” Mike stated as they were eating. Harvey glanced at him from his paper. 

“No I don’t think so. You should take the day.”

“No, I’m going. I’m not staying here alone. I want to work Harvey, please?” He didn’t care if he was pleading or not. He couldn’t stay at home! “I can’t stay here!”

“Wow…take it easy. Fine you can come to work.” 

Mike sighed in relief. Harvey leaned forward towards him. “Hey. You can come with me. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah okay.” He continued to eat. After a while Harvey turned towards him again. 

“So, what was that about?” He asked. 

“What?”

“You know what.”

“Yeah, I just…I have a lot on my mind Harvey. This whole cancer thing, and after yesterday…I just want a break from it. I want to focus on something else for a while.”

“Yeah I get that. But Mike, if you start to feel bad, if you feel that something is wrong, I’m going to need you to tell me about it. Can you do that?” 

Mike nodded. “Yes I can. I will Harvey.” 

They left shortly after that. They were quiet in the car. Ray smiled kindly at Mike and told him that he was happy that he looked better. 

“You told him?” Harvey asked as Ray drove away after dropping them off. 

“Yep.” 

“And you were going to tell me that when?”

“Why do I need to tell you that?” 

“So that I know who I can talk to or not? Whatever, just keep me in the loop?” Harvey staggered off towards the building and Mike hurried after him. 

“Fine, I will tell you. I haven’t told anyone else though. And I just needed to let out some stuff yesterday, and Ray is a good guy.”

“Yes he is. By the way you should tell Jessica soon.”

“Yes, I know you have told me.”

“I told her that you are sick the other day. She knows it is serious.”

“What! What did you tell her?” 

“It was when you were laying on the floor all helpless, and I needed to come and save you. So I told her that. I wasn’t going to lie to her.” 

“Yeah, right.” Mike felt a little humiliated after Harvey’s choice of words. But he guessed Harvey was right. She deserved to know. 

He decided to work at his cubicle for the day. It felt like it was ages ago since he had been there. He got some weird looks form his follow associates, but just ignored them. They had no idea about anything anyway. He glared back, and they got busy with their own work. He had gotten some files from Harvey. It was a pretty interesting case, and it felt nice to do something useful. He got to work for a few hours before he was interrupted. He had seen Harvey passing by a few times, but had pretended that he hadn’t seen him. He knew that Harvey was checking up on him. He knew Harvey was worried about him. That felt nice. It wasn’t Harvey that came to see him though, it was Rachel. 

He had almost forgotten about her. They hadn’t talked for weeks, not much at least. 

“Hi Mike!” she said and smiled at him. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Where have you been?” 

“Oh, hi Rachel. Yeah, I know I have been kind of busy.”

“You have been working?” She studied him more closely. 

“Are you okay? You look kind of pale.” She said. He guessed that pale wasn’t that bad to be called, he had seen himself in the mirror. 

“Well…” He hesitated. What should he tell her? He didn’t want to tell her about the cancer, not here in the middle of the all the cubicles and associates. “Actually I have been sick.” He told her. It was the truth after all. 

“Oh really. I’m sorry to hear that. Are you better now then?” 

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to lie to her. She was always so nice to him. They had had their ups and downs, but now things were good. If she thought that he was lying, maybe she wouldn’t want to be around him. 

“Mike? Are you okay?”

Oh! He should answer.

“Yeah, I’m good. Or I’m better now at least.” He smiled weakly at her, hoping he had her convinced. 

“Okay…Well, I should get back to work. I just wanted to say hi, when I saw you here.” 

“Yeah, see you later Rachel.”

He had a hard time concentrate after that. Louis stopped by as well. It was a strange encounter because Louis acted pretty nice to him. Mike was prepared the whole conversation for that he would turn against him, but he didn’t. 

“How are you doing Mike?” He asked.

“Eh…fine I guess, Louis.” 

“You don’t look fine.” He leaned forward in over Mike’s desk causing him to lean back in his chair. “You know you can tell me everything Mike, right?”

“Eh..Yeah, sure Louis. Thank you. I will think about it.” He tried to look busy. 

“Of course.” Louis was gone after that, and Mike just stared after him. What was that about? 

– SUITS –

“Hi!”

Harvey looked up from his computer. Mike was standing in the doorway. Harvey discreetly assessed him. He looked fine. 

“Hey. What’s up kid?”

“Not much.” Mike sat down in the chair opposite of him. 

“I talked to Rachel.”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t tell her though. I thought about it, but it feels so weird you know. Like I don’t know how to do it, she will be upset.”

“Can you blame her?”

“Well, no but, it’s hard to start I think. Like I just don’t want to blurt it out there, but I don’t know how else to do it.”

“What else would you like to do then? Write a poem?”

“What? No!”

“Just tell her then.” 

“Whatever. I will think about it. Louis stopped by too. He was kind of nice. Do you know anything about that?”

“Well, you did pass out, and he knew that you were sick before. He is not all evil you know.”

“Yeah, but still it was unusual to watch.” 

“Hi Mike, how are you doing?” It was Donna. She came in and stroke his arm a bit. He smiled up at her. 

“I’m pretty good today actually.” He said.

“You had treatment yesterday right? I thought you would be home and rest today.”

“Yes, but I feel okay, so I wanted to come to work.”

“He begged me to come.” Harvey helped him out. That deserved a glare. 

“How did it go yesterday?” Donna asked kindly. “You had an appointment as well right?” 

Harvey had briefly told her about it, but told her that it was Mike’s decision to tell her. Mike wouldn’t look at Donna anymore. He bit his lip. 

“Well…I…” he started. “I was…they said…It was bad news.” He finished lamely. 

“What kind of bad news?” 

Mike obviously thought something was really interesting on Harvey’s desk. 

“Sweetie?” Donna encouraged him.

“He said that I have about a year left. There is only ten percent chance that I will survive at all.” He told her quietly. Donna drew a deep breathe before leaning closer to Mike, hugging him from behind. 

“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. That really was bad news.” She whispered, both hers and Mike’s eyes were a bit shiny. Not that Harvey could blame them.   
Harvey had gotten about four hours of sleep last night. It took hours before he could fall asleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mike’s odds. It was now a huge possibility that Mike wouldn’t make it. Harvey had wanted to cry so badly, but he wouldn’t let himself. At least not with Mike in the other room, hopefully peacefully sleeping. 

The odds were so low. Harvey was scared and angry. Angry because he felt helpless. There was nothing he could do to better the odds. Of course he would help the kid all he could, but in the end it was Mike that would have to do most of the work. 

Donna and Mike was finished hugging and decided to head out for lunch together. Harvey declined their invitation to come along. He kind of wanted some time for himself. Time to process everything without the kid being there. If Harvey was honest with himself he actually felt devastated. It was weird the whole cancer thing, one day Mike was fading away in front of him, the next he was sitting in the office joking. He guessed that this was how it was going to be from now on. Like he had told the kid yesterday, one day at the time. 

The day passed pretty quickly. Mike came back from lunch and they worked together for a couple of hours. Mike said that he would go home to his place and Harvey let him. He argued a bit that it wasn’t a problem that Mike stayed with him, but the kid was persistent. At least he let Ray pick him up the next day. Harvey took Mike to a client meeting and the kid did well. He didn’t fall asleep or anything. But then it went to hell again, on the next day. 

”Mike!” 

Harvey saw Donna looked up from her desk when she heard Harvey’s call. She saw him coming and then entering his office looking around it. He saw that she was watching him and came back out to her.

“Donna! Have you seen Mike?” he asked urgently. He really wished that she would say yes. More than anything.

“No, Harvey. I haven’t seen him since lunch. What is going on?” 

“Damn it!” He swore loudly. ”I’ve looked everywhere for him. I’m supposed to take him to the hospital, but I can’t find him.”

“Why? He is not doe there until tomorrow.” Donna said.

”Yeah, I know but he texted me and said that he was having trouble breathing and asked if I could go with him to the hospital when I was done with the meeting, but now the damn kid is not answering his phone. I’ve been calling and texting him.”

“Oh god, we need to find him now!” Donna hissed and got up from her desk.

“What do you think I’ve been doing? I have looked for him for ten minutes now. He better not be laying somewhere…” He didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t want to think about it. 

“Alright” Donna said, and took over the control of the situation “this is what we are going to do. I will continue to call him, and you will continue to look for him. Where have you searched? I’m sure you have loads of places left.”

Harvey looked a bit offended, before he had to admit she probably was right. 

“The cubicles, the file room, breakroom, bathroom and here.” He answered. 

“Well, check the conference rooms, the library. Maybe Louis’s office. And ask people if they have seen him. Maybe tell them to help you looking.” 

He just nodded and turned to leave. “Oh, and Harvey?” Donna said, phone in hand “Check the girl’s bathroom as well.” 

”What?”

”Go!”

No one had seen Mike. A few of the associates were now helping him to look. He had forced them. Where the hell was the kid? And why wasn’t he answering his phone? It must mean that he couldn’t. 

He had received Mike’s text during a meeting. Mike had known that he was on the meeting, that’s probably the reason why he texted instead of calling. Harvey had stupidly waited about ten minutes to look at the text, since it wasn’t a very professional thing to do during a meeting. But as soon as he looked he had asked to be excused from it, and had immediately dialed Mike’s number. 

“Harvey. I’m having some trouble breathing. can you come with me to the hospital when you’re done?” Was the text. 

That had been more than half an hour ago by now. How could the kid just disappear? He had to be somewhere in the building since he had asked Harvey for help. He picked up his phone and dialed Mike’s number again. Still no answer. Harvey’s heart was pounding hard in his chest. He just hoped to god that Mike’s was too. 

– SUITS –

He felt that something was wrong pretty early. His felt constricted and taking deep breaths had been getting harder and harder. At first he had ignored it, but then he realized that this was probably something that he would need to do something about. It was typical, he couldn’t catch a break. He felt kind of annoyed. It was like the cancer couldn’t let him be okay for more than a day at the time, or something like that. He cursed at it. That didn’t help.

He stupidly let another hour pass. When it first started to feel weird he had decided to head over to an empty conference room, so that he wouldn’t draw unwanted attention to himself when he was at his cubicle. At first he thought about going to Harvey’s office, but Harvey was not there. Mike knew he was at a meeting. 

It didn’t get better. When he stood up to fetch a paper that was on the other end of the table and felt lightheaded he decided that it probably was a good idea to head over to the hospital and check this out. He quickly texted Harvey and hoped that his meeting would be finished soon. He wasn’t sure if he could make it to the hospital himself right now. It kind of felt like he was going to pass out. He was pretty dizzy, and it was getting harder to draw breaths than before. 

Harvey didn’t answer his text though. He felt like he couldn’t wait any longer. He would have to go and find him. It would be embarrassing to have to pull Harvey out of a meeting, but it couldn’t be helped. Harvey probably wouldn’t mind if he told him what was going on. 

However Mike didn’t get that far. He took three steps, and then felt everything go dark.

– SUITS –

It took them a whole hour longer to find Mike. He had been in one of the conference rooms hidden behind a table. The files on the table had been noticed by one of the associates that thought it was odd that the room looked empty and he had went in to investigate. Mike was lying unconscious on the floor when Harvey stormed in, after the out-of-breath associate came and told him and shown him to the room. The kid was laying on his stomach, hands spread out in front of him, as if he had been trying to heave himself up. His phone was on the table out of his reach. 

Harvey pushed away two associates and kneeled down next to Mike on the floor. 

“Call an ambulance.” He told them, as he tried to calm himself down. He brought a shaky hand out and pushed his fingers hard against Mike’s neck to feel for a pulse. He found one and sagged a bit in relief. 

“Hey you,” he waved the associate how had found Mike over, “help me turn him around.” 

They did so, and Harvey put a hand under Mike’s head to avoid him bumping it into the leg of the table. Mike was deathly pale and his breaths were coming out labored. Harvey carefully patted his cheek to rouse him, just as Donna stepped into the room with a water bottle in one hand and a towel in the other. On her way over to them she shooed the other people out of the room, and also ordered one of them to go down and meet the paramedics. 

“Mike? Come on. Wake up.” Nothing happened. Mike didn’t react at all, and his head was lolling to the side as Harvey patted it. 

Donna sat down next to them and wetted the towel a little and wiped Mike’s sweaty face with it. 

“He will be okay Harvey.” She said to him. Apparently he seemed more upset than he was aware of if she was trying to calm him down. Of course it was also possible that she was trying to calm herself down, her hands were shaking a bit as she wiped the kids forehead. 

Mike didn’t stir, they couldn’t wake him up. His body was limp where he lay, Donna was holding one of his hands. Harvey had his attention fixed on Mike’s chest. He needed it to rise and fall, but feared that it would stop. He didn’t know what he would do if he would stop breathing, he should take a course or something he briefly thought. He didn’t know what was going on, why was Mike unconscious? Where the hell was the paramedics? 

They arrived five minutes later. Donna took charge of the situation once more and chased away the onlookers and dragged Harvey out of the way for the medical personal so that they would have more room to work on Mike. They put an oxygen mask over his face and checked him over. They spoke quickly to each other while they worked. 

Harvey and Donna stood on the side of the room close to the door and watched. Donna held on to Harvey and he had his arm around her. 

“What is happening here? What’s wrong with him? Harvey?”

It was Jessica. Someone must have alerted her of the commotion in Harvey’s office, because she came up next to them and watched the paramedics work. Harvey didn’t take his eyes of Mike.

“He was having trouble breathing.” He said.

“What happened?”

“He texted me that he was in trouble, we found him in here.” 

”What’s wrong with him?”

”Jessica, not now.” Harvey asked her quietly. It looked like Mike was being ready to get moved. 

“Harvey. I need to know what’s going on her. Let me know what happens.” She stepped to the side as they brought Mike’s limp body passed them. Harvey nodded to   
Jessica and both he and Donna followed the gurney.

Donna and Harvey followed the ambulance in Ray’s car. Donna had somehow managed to call him, and he had been waiting for them. Mike had already been whisked away when they arrived, and all they could do was sit down in the waiting room. 

After a couple of hours they were told that Mike was stable. They had examined him and had been giving him oxygen. They were assured that he was out of the woods for now, but would be staying at the hospital for observation for a few days now. 

They were both allowed to sit with the kid for a while. Mike was sleeping and they didn’t want to wake him. Donna left after a while, and Harvey promised her that he would stay until Mike woke up. 

“Tell him I’m going to kill him if he does anything like this again.” Donna whispered before she left. He had scared them both. Not that Harvey was going to admit it.   
Harvey didn’t have to wait that long after that until Mike began to stir in his hospital bed. He coughed a bit and sluggishly opened his eyes. He looked around the room and found Harvey sitting there next to him on a chair.

“What happened?” He asked and looked at Harvey.

“You are an idiot, that’s what happened!” Harvey said. It was time for a little lecture.

“What?”

“You text me that you are having trouble breathing, and then you pass out. You didn’t tell anyone where the hell you were. We had to look for you, I had the whole office looking. Why the hell didn’t you tell me or Donna where you were?”

“I didn’t know that I was going to pass out Harvey!”

“You know you have cancer, don’t you?”

“Yes, but...”

“Then you have no excuse. You tell us what’s going on!”

“I was just working…”

“This is how it is going to be. You tell us, or you don’t come to work anymore and I leave your ass at the hospital.” 

“What? You can’t do that!”

“Sure I can!”

Harvey watched Mike’s expression change. He went from looking defiant to looking like he was fighting against tears. 

“You wouldn’t.” he whispered. “You wouldn’t leave me here.”

“Yes I would Mike. If you can’t come to me when something is wrong, I can’t trust you to be at work.”

“But I did tell you.”

“It wasn’t good enough.” He knew he was hard on the kid, but he needed to get through to him. He needed Mike to understand. Harvey did not want a repeat of today.   
What if he hadn’t texted him in the first place? It would probably have taken hours before anyone missed the kid, and by then it could have been too late. He had been so scared today, during all that time when they couldn’t locate the kid. He was angry at Mike for doing that to him, making him feel like that. He began to walk towards the door. He needed a break, before things got worse in here. 

“No wait…I’m sorry, okay!” 

“I’ll be back later Mike.” He said.

“Wait, Harvey. Wait. Come back!” Mike called after him. He closed the door behind him. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was going to leave him here now! Harvey didn’t want him around anymore! He was going to be alone now. He couldn’t believe it. He had asked for help! How was he supposed to know what was going to happened? Harvey wasn’t being fair. 

Once again he was face with the fact that he was yet alone. He honestly hadn’t thought that Harvey would leave him there. He had become surprised when he did walk out the door. Mike couldn’t do anything to stop him either. It probably wasn’t a good idea trying to get out of bed, and apparently was nothing he said going to help.   
He didn’t know anything about what happened since he passed out. What did happen? Harvey hadn’t told him, just that it took them a long time to find him. He had felt so scared the moment when he had realized that he was going to pass out, because he had been wondering if he was going to wake up again. He had been so relieved when he did woke up, just to have Harvey there yelling at him like he had done something terribly wrong. But he hadn’t, right? 

He looked around the room. He didn’t even know where he was. Harvey had told him that he would be back, but when? Why did he just leave? What if he didn’t come back again? What if he died before Harvey came back? Oh, how he wished he wasn’t alone. His thoughts twirled around in his head back and forth. They didn’t make a lot of sense. Nothing did. 

Maybe he could call someone? But who? The two people he could choose from was Harvey and Donna. Harvey hated him for some reason, and Donna wasn’t there either. But she always took Harvey’s side. She was probably mad at him too. 

It was getting harder to breathe again. It felt as before in the conference room. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. He fumbled around on the bed and found the button for the nurses. They came pretty quick and soon he found himself getting an oxygen mask over his face. He momentary forgot his loneliness. But when he had been reassured that nothing was wrong and that the extra oxygen he got was helping, it came back to him full force. Right about now he would give anything to not have to be there. He just felt so sad and pathetic and stupid that he just didn’t care if he cried or not. It was not like anyone cared anyway. He wanted to hold on to something, because his chest was hurting in many different ways now. But there were nothing and no one there. 

He tried to stop crying, it wasn’t comfortable because the tears kept running down his face and even got in one of his ears, his nose got stuffy as well. It sucked. But all he could do was lay there. 

The door opened suddenly, and Mike looked towards it. Did Harvey come back? But it wasn’t him, it was just a nurse. 

”Oh hey there.” She said when she saw the state he was in. ”You are not doing so good, huh?” She grabbed a tissue and wiped his face for him. “Are you in pain?” She asked. He just shook his head. 

”Oh, okay. Is it something else I can help you with?” 

It wasn’t, and she left after a few minutes. Mike just lay there, blinking up at the ceiling. When the door opened the second time he didn’t bother looking. 

“Oh, shit. What happened to you?” Harvey exclaimed. He had come back! Mike felt himself starting to shake for some reason. He really came. 

”Did you get worse?” Harvey stepped closer to him, and looked down on the oxygen mask. Mike ignored what he was saying. He just felt so relieved that he didn’t care. He just stretched his hand out towards Harvey. It was shaking. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had gone outside when he left Mike’s hospital room. He needed to get away from it all for a while. He had heard Mike call for him, but had ignored it. He felt bad about that now where he was in line to get a cup of coffee. 

Mike had been so stupid though. How hard was it to let someone know where he was going? 

Harvey had gotten calls from both Jessica and Donna. He ignored them both. He didn’t want to talk to them. Donna would most certainly yell at him. When he thought about it he kind of deserved to be yelled at. After all, Mike couldn’t know that he was going to pass out. And he had asked Harvey for help. And also, if he had looked at Mike’s text right away he would probably been able to contact him before he passed out. He should probably get back to the kid. 

He was surprised when he stepped into Mike’s room again. The kid looked much worse. He had a mask over his face and was laying really still. He didn’t respond when he talked to him. Couldn’t he speak behind the mask? 

Mike reached out for him then. His hand was shaking. Harvey knew what he wanted, so he took Mike’s hand in his. Mike weakly squeezed it. Tears were showing in his eyes. Harvey’s heart started to beat harder in his chest. What the hell was wrong now? He found the button and pushed it a couple of times.

“What’s wrong Mike?” he tried to ask him.

The nurse that arrived a few minutes later assured Harvey that nothing was wrong. 

“But look at him?!” 

“He is probably just a bit upset and overwhelmed.” She said quietly to him and carefully wiped Mike’s tears away. “We will be able to remove this shortly.” She mentioned for the mask. 

After she left Harvey sat down next to Mike again and took his hand again. It was so weird, but Mike seemed to be holding on to his hand for all he was worth. As if he wanted to hold him there. Maybe he was trying to do just that. Harvey remembered what he said to the kid before he left. Mike got worse after that. Was it his doing? Shit!

”Look Mike, you don’t have to worry now, okay. Everything is okay.” He leaned forward a bit. Mike’s tired eyes met his. 

”Sorry about before, okay.” Mike nodded a bit. 

”I’m sorry too, Harvey.” he said. “I’m sorry. I should have…I wont…I wont do it again.” He forced out. 

”Shit! Do you even know what you are talking about? What won’t you do again?” Harvey demanded. Mike just looked up at him and looked frightened. 

”What, Mike?” Harvey pressed. Mike shook his head. 

”Whatever I did. I will tell you where I am. I will.” Harvey sighed. 

”Yeah, I know you will. It’s okay.” He patted Mike’s arm a bit. ”I think I might have over reacted a bit too, you know. Hey, don’t be sad Mike. It’s okay.” 

That frightened look the kid had on his face wouldn’t disappear. Harvey needed it to do that. He felt really guilty now. The kid must have felt totally abandoned. He just woke up in a hospital bed to be told off and then left by himself. Did Mike really think that Harvey was going to leave him there? Was that what this was about?

“Mike, I’m not going to leave you here. Did you think I was?” He asked. He needed to know. Mike’s eyes flickered around the room, he wouldn’t meet Harvey’s eyes.   
”Did you?” He asked again.

A nod. 

“Well, I wasn’t. It was just empty talk, you know?”

Mike nodded hesitantly again. 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled behind the damn oxygen mask.

“Me too. Me too kid. Let’s just forget about it okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You made quite a scene earlier. Donna was worried. She said to tell you that she will kill you if you do it again.” Mike actually smiled at that, and Harvey took it as a win. A doctor came by a bit later and Mike was able to lose the mask. 

Harvey told Mike what happened at the office after his disappearing act. 

“I didn’t actually disappear. I was at the office the whole time.” 

”Yeah, but you were hiding behind a desk.” 

“I wasn’t hiding either I was just…”

“Just what?” Harvey smirked. ”I want to know this.”

“Oh come on. Stop. You are being an ass.” 

”Whatever. Anyway Mike, we have to tell Jessica what’s going on now. It’s time.”

”Yeah, okay.” Mike agreed. ”I guess she will be pissed otherwise.”

“Yes, you are right about that. She probably already are, she just hides it.”

“What will she do?”

“Nothing. Don’t worry. Are you feeling better by the way?”

“Yes, I am. I’m just tired.”

“Yeah, you should sleep.” Harvey hesitated for a moment. ”You know they are keeping you here for a few days now right?”

Mike nodded.

“And you are okay with that?”

“Yeah, sure Harvey. I don’t have much choice, do I?” 

”No, but you do realize that I not just abandoning you here right?”

Mike blushed a bit. “Yeah, Harvey. I’ll be fine. I was just confused before. I just…” He didn’t finish, he probably didn’t know what else to say, and Harvey let him off the hook. Donna will probably come by tomorrow morning, and I will stop by as well if you want to?”

“Yeah, it would be nice with some company.” Mike said carefully. 

“Then I will see you later kid.” Harvey lightly punched the kid on the arm, before leaving. Mike smiled and waved at him tiredly. He would be fine.


	16. Chapter 16

Mike spent two and a half days at the hospital. He got a couple visits from both Harvey and Donna. Donna both hugged and hit him when she came. He had been sleeping and she woke him up by whispering his name. He confusedly looked at her and she smiled dangerously, he tried to defend himself but she told him everything that she wanted and he just had to take it. But she hugged him after and told him how worried she had been, and how worried Harvey had been. 

“Really?”

”Off course, he refused to leave your side.”

Harvey had obviously not told her about their little fight or whatever he should call it. He didn’t either. 

He was kind of drugged up at the hospital, he had a treatment session and chest pains after that. The drugged helped him sleep. He was well taken care of, nurses helped him when he vomited and they changed his sheets when he was sweating too much. He wished he wasn’t at the hospital though. He felt lonely. It was okay when Harvey or Donna was there, but he felt like he was alone in the world as soon as they left. 

He called Harvey on day after lunch, and they actually talked for about twenty minutes. Harvey updated him on the details of the case.

“So that you are prepared when you come back.” He said. 

”There have been some other improvements here as well.” Harvey said cryptically. He wouldn’t say anything else, no matter how much Mike asked him about it.   
Other than that, it was boring at the hospital. There was nothing to do there. He was moved to an open ward where five other people were laying. He was the youngest. He talked a bit with the old man that was in the bed next to him. Mike found out that the man had far gone lung cancer, he was on his last treatment period now, and told Mike that if it didn’t work he would stop getting them. He said that he rather would move to Florida to be close to his grandchildren his last time. Mike didn’t tell him much about his own illness, and the man didn’t ask. 

Harvey did not like the open ward when he came to visit. 

“We need to get you out of here.” He whispered. “What if you get what he has?” He looked over to the coughing old man. 

”It’s not likely Harvey. It’s not so bad.” Mike didn’t mind to share a room. It meant that he had company at all times. He was comforted by the other’s presence. Not that he would ever tell Harvey that. 

Harvey gave him a ride home when he was discharged. Harvey suggested that he came and stayed with him, but Mike declined. He was feeling pretty okay for now. He decided to come to the office the day after. Harvey thought it was time to tell Jessica, and Mike was onboard with that. Jessica had apparently asked for him, if he was okay or not. Mike was a bit touched by that, that she had asked. 

When Mike got in to the office, he had only been at his desk for about ten minutes when Donna came. 

“Good morning Mike.”

“Hi Donna. You look nice today.” 

”Unlike when?”

”Ehh…”

”Follow me.” She said. He stood and followed her. To his surprise she took him towards the breakroom, but they didn’t step in. 

“You see this?” Donna pointed to the wall. 

”Yeah. I do. It’s a defibrillator.” 

”Yes, it is.” Donna smiled proudly at him.

“What’s this Donna?”

“I have done some arrangements around here.” She announced and started to lead him towards Harvey’s office. Mike remembered what Harvey had said earlier, so this what was he had been talking about. 

“Hi kid.” Harvey greeted him, when they stepped into his office. Donna stopped in front of the wall next to the book shelf. Another heart starter was mounted on it. 

“Oh.” Mike said. 

“It’s not all.” Donna assured him. ”This is also for you.” She walked over to Harvey’s cabinets with his basket balls. She opened it, and showed him. The whole cupboard was stacked with things. Donna bent down and took out a black box. 

“This is for your meds.” She explained. A few of the bottles were already neatly stacked inside of it. It was divided in four different parts. Mike had no idea how she knew what type of medication he was taking, but he should probably not be surprised that she knew. “Here is for that daily pills, just extra if you forget them. This part is pain killers. I though this might be good as well” she showed him another bottle. 

“I have also put some other useful things in here. Pillows, blankets, bandages, some salve, disinfectants.” She pointed on the other shelfs. 

“Bandages?” He asked. 

”You never know with you.” She said seriously. 

“Don’t look at me.” Harvey said when he did. “She is right.”

“Of course I am. Let’s see what else we got.”

“There is more?”

“Of course it is. Oh, the fridge over there. It got some water bottles, juices, fruit and some candy bars if your blood sugar gets low.” There was a small stylish refrigerator on the wall close to the door. 

Mike felt conflicted, both a little embarrassed but the same time he was moved. She had done all this just for him. 

“Thank you Donna.” He told her, and didn’t quell the urge he got to hug her. “This is great.”

“Of course sweetie.” She hugged him back. ”Let me know if there is anything else I can get you.”

“No, I think you have thought of everything.”

“I’m going back to work then. Be good.” 

Mike looked around the office. He sat down in front of Harvey. 

“You okay with this?” He asked. Everything was in Harvey’s office after all. 

“Of course. I brought the fridge over.” 

”Oh. That’s nice. Thanks.”

”Sure.” Harvey said and stood up. “Are you ready?”

“Eh…for what?” Did they have a new case?

“Telling Jessica, you idiot. I told her we would stop by when you got in.”

“What, now?”

“She has probably been waiting for an hour now.”

“I’m not that late.”

Harvey just looked at him and walked out of his office, expecting Mike to follow. Which he did. Apparently he didn’t have a choice in the matter. But they might as well get it over with, before Jessica got tired of him and fired him for his recently poor job performance. He felt really nervous all of a sudden. What is she wouldn’t believe him, what if she didn’t want him at the office anymore. He was pretty sure she wouldn’t approve of his candy bars in Harvey’s new fridge.

He followed behind Harvey, and when they stepped into Jessica’s office Mike found himself almost hiding behind Harvey. She was sitting at her desk and nodded towards the two chairs in front of her desk. 

“Hey Jessica.” Harvey said. ”Nice of you to take the time. Mike and I need to talk to you.”

“What are you doing?” He whispered to Mike, and pushed him towards a chair. He sat down and Harvey did the same. 

“How are you doing Mike?” she asked him. “You were not good the last time I saw you.”

“I’m better now.” Mike felt his face turning red.

“Actually that’s the reason we are here Jessica.” Harvey said. 

“Yes, I figured that much.”

She kept her gaze on Mike, who had to force himself to meet hers. He couldn’t read her expression. It got quiet for a long time, until Harvey cleared his throat. Mike realized that they were waiting for him to say something. 

“Eh…I have…I been…I” He glanced at Harvey.

“Mike is sick.” He told her then. 

Jessica nodded. ”I figured that much as well.” She said. “You want to tell me what’s going on with you?” She turned to Mike again. 

Mike found himself nodding, but didn’t say anything else. Harvey sighed next to him. He turned to Mike. “Should I tell her?” He asked, and Mike nodded again. He stared down at Jessica’s desk until Harvey said it. 

“Mike has heart cancer.” 

Jessica’s hard expression changed then. She looked Mike straight in the eyes. “Heart cancer.” She quietly repeated, and Mike nodded again. 

”He got diagnosed a couple of weeks ago now. That’s what has been going on. I have been helping him out. It gets pretty bad.” Harvey continued. 

”I understand.” Jessica said. “What’s the prognosis?” She asked, and Mike jerked a bit. What was wrong with him? Jessica was going to think he was a total wimp. He was just sitting there letting Harvey do all the talking for him. 

Harvey hesitated a bit as well. “It’s not looking so good.” He said eventually.

Jessica nodded. ”Okay.” She turned to him again. “Mike, I’m so sorry to hear this. I never thought it was this serious. This must be extremely difficult for you.” 

“Yeah.” He said. 

”Thank you for telling me.” She paused. “Mike I know that we have had our differences, but you are a part of this firm. Pearson Hardman will support you in any way you need, Mike.” 

They locked eyes and Mike could see something he had never seen in her before. He felt his eyes burn and bit his lip. “Thank you.” He whispered. Jessica stood up. 

”Thank you for letting me know,” she repeated “I know how hard cancer can be.” Something glistened in her eyes and Mike believed her. She did know. “Keep me updated.” she said, directed to Harvey. 

”Yes, we will. Thank you Jessica.” He pulled Mike up from the chair, and pushed him gently out of the office. They walked side by side back to Harvey’s office. 

“That went quick. She took it well, better than I expected.” Harvey said. He looked at Mike. ”You okay?” 

Was he? Yeah, he was. It hadn’t been that bad telling her. Mostly because Harvey had done all the talking. He took a deep breath.

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks.” 

Harvey stopped walking and grabbed Mike and turned him so that they were facing each other. 

“You know that it is going to be okay right?” he asked. “I got your back in this.”

“Thank you, Harvey.” Was all Mike could think of saying. He wanted to believe him.

”No problem kid. You want to work in my office? I kind of want to try the candy bars, but Donna will be pissed if I do it without you there.” 

– SUITS –

Mike had disappeared to his cubicle a while ago when Jessica stepped into his office.

“Harvey.” She said and sat down. 

”Jessica.”

”How is Mike doing?”

“He is working. He is okay.”

“I had no idea that is was that bad, Harvey.” 

”Yeah, I know. He is in for a really tough time.”

“He didn’t look so good when we spoke earlier. He looked scared, I haven’t seen him like that before.”

“He has something where he thinks it’s really hard to tell people that he is sick. He knew for about a week before he told me, let me chew him out for being distracted.”

Jessica nodded. “And he is getting treated?” 

”Yeah.”

”And you are helping him?”

“I told him I’m in this with him, Jessica. I intend to get him through this.”

“What is his prognosis?”

“They have given him less than a year.”

“Oh my god.”

“But he is going to be fine. There is still a change.”

“Harvey…”

“He is not going to die!”

They looked at each other. Harvey knew what her expression was saying. She didn’t think that Mike was going to survive. He briefly thought that she was going to express her condolences. 

“He isn’t.” He repeated. 

She nodded to him and then asked a few more questions about Mike’s condition. 

“So you are helping him out then?”

“I am.” 

She stood up to leave. “That’s good Harvey. I hope he pulls through.” 

“Thank you.”

She hesitated for a moment. “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” She said before walking out of the door, before giving Harvey a change to reply. He was a bit surprised about that last comment. He knew what she thought of Mike working there, but apparently she cared about him in some level. Well, it was good to know that she didn’t want the kid to die. 

Mike decided that he wanted to go to his own place again. Harvey secretly wanted to stop him. He was kind of worried. What if Mike collapsed again? But Mike was persistent. Harvey didn’t think he gave a good enough reason to want to go there, his place was so much nicer. Mike practically lived in a dump. Mike however got annoyed, and didn’t agree when he told him that. 

”It’s my home. Don’t insult it! I happen to like it, it has charm unlike your place.”

“Charm? Who want’s charm when you can have class?”

He at least dropped the kid off and stayed until he saw that Mike got inside. He didn’t know what was going on in the kid’s head. 

The next day was pretty normal. It was almost like it had been before. Almost. Mike downed a bunch of pills with his lunch and after that he decided to hang out in Harvey’s office. Harvey watched him as he worked with a bunch of files. He had then in his lap where he was on the couch. He was leaning over them looking like he was in deep concentration, that was until his head jerked downwards, when he fell asleep. He jerked it quickly back up again though. That process repeated itself a few times. Harvey caught Donna’s eyes and she raised her eyebrows at him, and then looked at Mike. 

“Mike!” he said, causing Mike to sit up straight again.

“What?”

“Don’t fall asleep in my office.”

“I’m not falling asleep!”

“Yes you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

Harvey raised an eyebrow himself. Mike sighed and rubbed his eyes with both hands making him look like a three year old. 

“Fine.” He said. ”I couldn’t sleep yesterday.” 

“Why not?”

Mike suddenly blushed, causing Harvey to become more alert.

“I don’t know.” Was Mike’s answer though, and he didn’t leave any room for elaboration. 

“Well, don’t fall asleep here. It’s not really professional.”

Mike nodded and turned back to his files. Donna looked pissed when Harvey looked at her. She probably wanted him to tuck Mike in under the new blanket in his cupboard. 

Mike went home to his place that night as well. Harvey headed home to his condo. He stayed up late, and was about to go to bed when the phone rang. He looked at the screen and saw that it was Mike. It was almost one a clock, so it caused him to draw a deeper breath. What was going on now?

“Hey Mike!”

“Hi, Harvey.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing really. What’s up with you?”

“What? Why are you calling Mike?”

“It’s nothing. It’s just that you said, that I could call you. And I just thought that I would call and see if you were up.”

“What’s wrong Mike?”

“I told you, nothing is wrong.”

“Why the hell did you call then, if nothing is wrong?”

“But you said…” Mike interrupted himself, and then started over. “I just felt like talking a bit that’s all. But I guess you are not interested, so we can hang up if you want.”

Harvey hesitated. Clearly hanging up in this state wasn’t an option. Something was definitely up. “No it’s fine. I was just…”

“I didn’t meant to bother you if you are busy.”

“I’m not. I was just going to bed.”

“Okay.”

“Anything you want to talk about then?”

“Not really.”

“All right.”

Mike got quiet after that for so long that Harvey suspected that he had hang up after all. 

“Mike, are you still there?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Okay…” Harvey waited. He figured the kid had something on his mind, and if he was quiet long enough he would spill. But Mike didn’t, and it only lead to an awkward silence. However he could hear the kid breathing on the other side. 

“Do you have something you want to talk about then?” He tried. 

“I don’t know.” Mike said quietly. 

”So you want us to sit here quietly not talking for a while then? Come on Mike, what’s up?”

“Why does it have to be anything? I just felt like talking for a second, okay!”

“But you are not talking. This is ridiculous.” 

He could hear Mike inhale and then exhale shakily. Then suddenly it hit him. The kid was upset for some reason, but he didn’t want to tell Harvey what is was, maybe he was embarrassed about it. And to feel better he had called Harvey. That must be it. He could hear Mike breathing deeply again, and got an image of Mike alone at his place clutching the phone to his ear, while Harvey was calling him ridiculous. 

“Well…” He hurried to continue sparing Mike from answering “Did I tell you about the time when me and Donna took on a case involving a prince?”

“No…”

“It was early in my career at Pearson Hardman and I was just about to…” 

He told the story as detailed as he could, and after that he told Mike about another memorable case and another. After that the kid seemed okay with hanging up, so they did. Harvey himself had trouble falling asleep after that. He just hoped that Mike had better luck. 

The next day at the office neither of them mention their late night phone call. Mike pretended that it never happened and Harvey did the same. However when evening came he asked Mike if he wanted to crash at his couch again. For a moment Mike looked excited, but then hesitant and he declined. 

“No, thanks Harvey. I think I’m just going to head home. I can take care of myself Harvey.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind having you over you know.”

“Yeah, really? You don’t?”

”No Mike, if I did I would tell you.”

“No you wouldn’t.” Mike smiled. ”Maybe tomorrow? I have to go to the hospital again.”

“Sure.”

Mike didn’t call that night, and Harvey debated whether he should call the kid himself or not. In the end he didn’t. If Mike needed him he would call. At least that was what Harvey thought. 

The next day at the office started slow. Mike hadn’t arrived yet. He was about thirty minutes late and Harvey didn’t know whether he needed to worry or not. He checked his phone again. No message from Mike. Harvey had already called him and texted him, but he didn’t pick up and hadn’t replied yet. He had this strange feeling in his stomach, but he didn’t know what to make of it.

”Harvey? What’s up with you? You seem distracted. You are checking your phone every minute. Is it Mike?” Donna stepped into his office.

“Yeah, of course it is Mike. He is not answering his damn phone and he is supposed to be here by now.” 

“When was the last time you talked to him?” 

“Yesterday evening at the office.”

“What if something has happened then? Harvey, what if he collapsed again?”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m checking my phone Donna.” 

“You should head over there now Harvey, or I will do it.”

“Okay, I’m going. But I am going to be pissed if he just overslept.”

“But you don’t think he did?”

“No, I don’t.” Harvey sighed. “Cancel my morning meetings.”

“It’s done. Go, look after him!”

“I knew that this would happen. I let him go home and be by himself. Of course something will happen, he really can’t look after himself.”

“Harvey, come on. It’s not his fault. Now, go!” 

And Harvey did. Mike didn’t open his door when Harvey rang the doorbell. Mike had given him a key two weeks ago though. You know, if something were to happen he had said. Harvey figured that this counted as that something. 

He had tried to call Mike two more times in the car on the way to the kid. But Mike didn’t answer, and Harvey’s concern grew. Something was wrong. 

He unlocked the door and called out for Mike. No one responded and he stepped in and looked around in the cramped apartment. At first he didn’t see Mike, it was dim since no lights were on. But then he saw him and his heart froze. For a second he just stood there, staring, but then he rushed forward and fell down on his knees next to Mike. Mike was laying on his stomach, with his head turned against the door. What shocked Harvey so much when he saw him was that there was a pool of blood around his whole face. It had saturated the carpet underneath Mike and dried across his nose and mouth. His eyes were closed. 

The first thing Harvey did was to check is Mike had a pulse, and if he was breathing. Thankfully he was, as he pressed two fingers hard against the other man’s throat he could feel a steady pulse. Mike didn’t react at all though, even when Harvey called his name. What had happened? And where did all the blood come from. He didn’t dare to move Mike yet because what if something was seriously wrong. He could make it worse. Harvey hauled out his phone from his pocket and hastily dialed 911. He explained as much as he needed and could and was promised help within a few minutes. When he hang up he didn’t know what to do. He had told them about the blood, and they had agreed that it was best not to move him too much if it wasn’t necessary.

Too often now a days Harvey felt at a loss of what to do. It was something that he wasn’t used to. But on the other hand it was all new situations for him to deal with. He wondered how it was for Mike. Everything was new to him as well. Mike had barely asked him for anything. He hadn’t really asked for help, except that time when Harvey failed to show up at the hospital. He still didn’t like to think about that. 

“Mike, can you hear me? Mike!” He tried, but in wain. The kid wouldn’t wake up. He was so pale. Harvey had no idea of what was going on. It was so much blood too. That couldn’t be good. Had he fallen somehow and hit himself on something. He was lying next to his couch, but it wasn’t much nearby that he could have hurt himself on. Maybe he hit the floor? Harvey went to opened the door for the paramedics, so that they would know where to go, then he went back to the kid. 

He had knew that something was wrong. Why hadn’t he acted sooner? He should have called Mike last night. What if he had been like this yesterday? And what if Harvey hadn’t decided to come and check on him. He stopped himself, it was no point in going there. 

The paramedics arrived a while later and after a quick assessment, they carefully turned Mike around on his back and placed him on a gurney. Harvey got to ride with them in the ambulance. He kept out of the way, and was pretty quiet. He was assured that there was not that serious, Mike however didn’t wake.

He called Donna from the waiting room at the hospital, and she arrived there twenty minutes later. 

“Harvey! What happened? How is he?” Was the first thing she said as soon as she saw him.

“I don’t know Donna. They haven’t said anything yet.” 

“Is that blood?” She pointed on his hands. He hadn’t had time to wash them yet. “Is it?” She asked when he didn’t answer straight away. 

“Yeah, it is Donna.” She gasped. “But I don’t think it is that bad.” 

“How can you say that? You have Mike’s blood all over you.”

“Donna, please…” He said tiredly. “I think most of it came from his nose. It was a nosebleed.” 

“Most of it?” 

“I don’t know Donna. I found him on the floor unconscious and I called an ambulance. We came here and I called you.” 

They waited another hour before a physician came out and spoke to them. It turned out that all the blood had been from a nosebleed, and the most likely reason as to that Mike was unresponsive had been caused by the blood loss. He wasn’t sure yet, on what was causing the nosebleed. They would look into it. Mike still wasn’t awake, but they were welcome to sit with him. 

“When can he leave?” Harvey asked.

“Not yet. That’s all I can say for now. His physician, Anton Lundin is on his way, and he will know more about that. Mister Ross is going to be moved to the cancer ward later.”

Harvey nodded and Donna thanked him. They were lead to Mike’s room by a nurse. Donna gasped at the sight of him. He was pale and looked small on the bed in front of them. 

“Oh my god, Harvey. Look at him!” She stepped closer while Harvey lingered back. “Oh sweetie.” She whispered and stroke his cheek. Mike had padding inserted in both of his nostrils. Even from his distance Harvey could see a few blood stains on the kid’s hospital gown. Why hadn’t they changed that? He was also attached to several machines and a couple of tubes disappeared from site under his gown. He was breathing steadily and it looked like he was just sleeping. 

Mike didn’t wake up for a couple of more hours. Harvey sent Donna back to the office, even though she protested a lot, but he told her that he needed someone he trusted there to keep things under control and she agreed with that. He knew that she didn’t want to leave Mike, but he promised to call her as soon as the kid woke up. 

When Mike did wake up he was groggy and seemed to be tired. He only opened his eyes halfway and groaned when Harvey tried to get him to wake up more.

“I’m tired Harvey. Leave me alone.” He groaned and put a hand over his eyes to block out the light of the room.

“You have been sleeping way too long now. On office hours as well I’ll remind you.” Harvey said. 

“Come on… I don’t even know why I’m here again. What happened?” He was a bit more alert now. 

“You didn’t come in for work so I went and found you on the floor. You are so stupid.”

“What? Why?”

“I can’t leave you alone for a day, kid.”

“I…I was…What?” 

“Your doctor thinks that you started a nosebleed that lead you to pass out.”

“Yeah…I remember bleeding. It wouldn’t stop Harvey.” Mike looked up at him. “I couldn’t get it to stop. I tried everything.”

“You are okay now. They stopped it for you.” Harvey stood up. “Your doctor wants to talk to you, and I have to give Donna a call and let her know that you are okay.” 

“Okay.” 

– SUITS –

Mike watched as Harvey left his room. He felt so tired and confused. The last thing he remembered was that his nose had been bleeding. When it first started he hadn’t thought much about it. It started some time before he went to bed. He had gone and put some paper in his nose to stop it. It had worked for a while, but then he had woken up some time during the night of that his pillow was wet. He had been shocked when he turned the lights on and discovered that his white pillow now had a big dark red stain on it. His the bits of paper that he had shoved up his nose had both fallen out, and was in his bed. It was all very messy. He felt a bit faint when he stood up to go and take care of the mess. He was not prepared when the room was spinning wildly when he started walking. He must have fainted sometime after that, because that was the last thing he remembered. That was some bad nosebleed. 

It was Dr. Lundin who stepped into his room a few minutes after Harvey had left. They talked a bit about what had happened, and Mike got to explain what happened and the doctor told him the probable reason for it all. It was apparently a pretty common side effect, nose bleeds. 

“Mike, I have another thing I would like to discuss with you.”

“Okay… What?”

They were interrupted before the doctor had time to continue. Harvey opened the door and stepped right inside. 

“Mike, Donna told me to tell you that she will have your ass the next time she sees you, for causing her to worry.” He looked up and noticed Dr. Lundin, watching him. 

“Oh, sorry. I’m I interrupting? Do you want me to step out again?”

“Well…” The doctor started. “No, it’s fine.” Mike said. “He can stay.” If this was more bad news he wanted Harvey there. 

“Okay…” The doctor started and looked at Harvey with an expression that Mike couldn’t read and that caused Harvey to shift a bit on the spot. 

“Mike, it is not advisable for you to continue to live alone anymore.” He continued.

“What do you mean I can’t live alone? I’m a grown up, I can take care of myself.” Mike defensively said. Because that was true. He was and he could.

“I understand that this is difficult to hear Mike, but if you will let me continue.” 

“Come on, it was just a nose bleed. It was no big deal, you said so yourself.”

“Mike.” Harvey said suddenly. It caused him to stop talking. His boss nodded towards the doctor in a gesture that clearly said, shut up and listen. So he did.

“Thank you. This time it was just a nose bleed. But Mike, what if you suffer from a problem related to your heart when you are alone? Michael, if your heart stops and you are alone it may have much more serious consequences. Therefor you can’t live alone anymore. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but that’s the honest truth about your situation right now.”

“What? You are serious?” Mike stared at his doctor. 

“Mike, suggestion is that you move in with someone, and if that’s not possible we will figure out a solution for you here.”

“What, so I would have to stay here then?” Mike started to breathe faster. He had been afraid of this.

“Mike, you need to realize just how serious your situation is at this point.”

“Yeah, I do. I realize that it is serious. But I don’t want to live at the hospital.”

“I understand that, but you also told me earlier that you don’t have a family…”

Mike looked away. 

“We would set you up in your own room, and if you are well enough you might be able to leave during the day…”

“No.” Mike said quietly. “I don’t want to live here, I don’t…”

“He can live with me.”

It was Harvey. He had been quiet until now, and just listened. But now he stepped closer. He had his attention focused on Dr. Lundin. 

“What?!” Mike exclaimed at the same time as the doctor said “Oh!”

“Maybe you two need to talk about this first.” The doctor said. 

“What is there to talk about?” Harvey stated. Mike just stared at him. Was he serious?

“Harvey, he is right. This is a big deal, you can’t just rush into it.”

“I’m not rushing into it. You practically already live at my place, and I this way I can keep an eye on you. I don’t want a repeat of yesterday. Do you, Mike?” Harvey confronted him.

“No, I don’t. But I also think you should consider what this means…I mean, I will be there all the time. You can’t do what you do otherwise if I’m there. And besides, I…” He paused for a moment. “I can’t ask that of you.” He whispered that last part. It was true. It was no way he could ask this of Harvey. He couldn’t move in with Harvey, his boss! 

“And what is it that you think I do when you are not there?” Harvey interrupted his thoughts. 

“Eh…you know…”

“Yeah, good point.” Harvey turned to the doctor again. “He will be staying with me.” He said, and it was apparently decided. Mike thought he did best in not protesting. Not while the doctor was still in the room. 

“Well, that is just fantastic. I suggest that we have a discussion later during the day.” Dr. Lundin turned back to Mike. ”If you feel up for it, Mike. You can leave later in the afternoon. Do you have any other questions?” Mike hadn’t, and he and Harvey was left alone. 

”Thank you Harvey.” 

”You are welcome, kid.” Harvey said kindly smiling at him. It was a bit weird. 

“You can just drop me of at my place later. I’ll be fine.”

Harvey stopped smiling immediately. “Are you kidding?”

“What?”

“Didn’t you get what we just talked about? You are done living on your own.”

“What, you were serious? I thought you just said that to bail me out just now. Harvey, you don’t have to do this.”

“Mike. I’m doing it. You are doing it.”

”No!”

“Yes.”

“I can’t, I can’t do that.”

Harvey sat down again. “Why not Mike? Explain it to me. It’s okay.”

It was first then that Mike noticed that his whole body was shaking and that he was breathing rapidly. Harvey looked a bit worried. He tried to calm down. If he just could explain to Harvey. 

”You don’t have to take me in.” He started when he felt somewhat in control again. “I can’t possibly ask that of you.”

“You don’t have to ask kid, I’m offering.”

“I can’t accept.” 

“Yes you can. What the hell are you so afraid of?”

Mike paused. Afraid of? He wasn’t afraid, was he? Or maybe he was. He didn’t want to bother Harvey too much. What if Harvey got tired of him being there all the time? He knew that he was getting worse. He could feel it. And if he was honest with himself, it was nothing more he wanted then to move in with Harvey. It would be amazing to not have to worry so much, to have someone else there to help him if he needed it, to have company, to be able to feel like he wasn’t alone. And also, what the doctor had said had scared him a lot. What if he actually did get some heart problem when he was alone? What if his heart stopped or something? He would die. 

But what if Harvey did get tired of him? What if he did or said something to piss Harvey off? He would probably do that. What would happen then? Harvey would kick him out, and he would have nothing and no one. At least if they didn’t spend that much time together it would still be okay.

”Mike, you with me?”

”Yeah…” 

“So?”

He hesitated. Should he tell Harvey all this, what he just had been thinking? He then remembered the night when he had told Harvey about the cancer. You’ll get through this. We will. Harvey had told him. We. 

”It’s too much to ask for. I mean I will only get worse from now on. I will probably need a lot more help, and…and I can’t, I don’t want to ask that of you.”

“Mike, listen to me. I want to do this. I want to help you. Don’t you get that? So what if you will need more help later, I’ll do it. Or I will call Donna and have her do it.” He smirked a bit. “Don’t worry, would you? You do that too much already.” 

”You really think it would be okay?”

Harvey sighed dramatically. “Yes, I do. But you know, I’m kind of getting tired of this conversation, so I’m about to change my mind.”

“Oh…that’s…”

“Mike, god. I was kidding. We are doing this.” 

”Oh, okay…” He was getting confused. 

“Don’t mention it at work though. It is a bit weird, having an employee live with you might not be considered appropriate.” He laughed a bit at his own joke. He sobered up when Mike didn’t laugh.

“It’s okay Mike.” He said again. And Mike believed him. Harvey was okay with it. He felt both happy and relieved. He also felt that his eyes were starting to water. Shit, Harvey was going to laugh at that. He blinked furiously to stop it. But Harvey turned away. Mike suspected it was for his benefit. 

He didn’t know how this had happened. Had he really agreed to it all? Apparently so, because Harvey said that he was going to go and take care of some stuff at work and be back later to pick him up. He said that they could swing by Mike’s place and pick some stuff up for him, if he was up for it. He was left alone after that. 

Apparently he would be moving in with Harvey.

– SUITS –

Harvey sat at his desk at the office and thought about the near future. He was going to leave soon and pick up his new roommate. He had never had a roommate before. Not that this would be a normal roommate. He was doing it because he didn’t want Mike to have to stay at the hospital. It had been so depressing to think about it. Mike with his own room at the hospital, heading there after work and getting hooked up on IV-drops for the night, all alone. No, he would never let that happen. Mike was his responsibility after all. He also kind of wanted the kid close by so he could keep an eye on him. If he was at his place he wouldn’t have to worry about how Mike was doing at night when they left after work. Because he did worry. A lot. Not that he would admit it of course, but he did. Of course he did, Mike had heart cancer for god sakes. It was normal to worry about something like that. He was normal. 

He found himself actually looking forward to Mike living with him. It wasn’t going to be all bad, with nosebleeds and side effects. The kid made good company. They would joke around or argue, watch movies. He didn’t get at first why Mike was so reluctant. But then he got it, Mike didn’t feel like he could ask of Harvey to be there through the other stuff, through the bad that was going to come. But Harvey intended to be. Hopefully Mike would get that soon. Or he would show him. 

There were other stuff that went with the whole Mike-moving-in-with-him thing. First of all, he should probably get the kid a real bed. He couldn’t be sleeping on the couch all the time. It was probably going to do him any favors. 

He had stuff to take care of.


	17. Chapter 17

They stopped by Mike’s apartment on the way over to Harvey’s place. Mike felt kind of weird. It felt so final now. He was going to move in with Harvey and it might be for good for him. He didn’t want to think like that but couldn’t stop himself from doing it. It was a high possibility after all that he never would come back to his own place. Harvey had followed him upstairs to help him pack. At the moment he wasn’t doing anything else but walking around and kind of going through Mike’s stuff, commenting on the state of the place or questioning why he had certain things. 

“Come on? Why this picture? A creepy little girl?”

”It’s not creepy, and it was a gift.”

“Of course it was. But still, you are not bringing that.”

“Whatever.”

Mike was packing some clothes at the moment. He hadn’t even thought of the fact of bringing something else. But he guessed he could. If it really was the last time he was here, he would want to bring things that had value to him. A photo album, a few books and some other things made it way down into his bag. 

“Did you pack your suits?”

“Yes.”

“And ties?”

“Yes Harvey.”

“Good. So you have everything then?”

Mike stood in the middle of his apartment looking around trying to remember if he had everything that he wanted to bring with him. It felt both sad and weird to think that he was leaving. It wasn’t like he never could come here again, but he didn’t think he would. He knew deep down that it was a good idea to not live alone anymore. It was just hard to accept that he couldn’t, that he would have to depend on someone else now, on Harvey of all people. 

“I think so.” He said. 

”Are you ready to go then?” Harvey said and stepped forward and grabbed Mike’s two bag from his hands and threw one over his shoulder and carried the other in his hands. 

“Give me a minute.”

“Sure. I’ll wait in the car.”

Harvey left and Mike stood there by himself. He just felt like he wasn’t absolutely ready to go yet. This had been his home after all. It felt so strange to stand there now and look around at the familiar space and to think that from now on he was basically deemed unable to take care of himself. It was hard to not focus on that for Mike. But on the other hand it all was for a reason, because what if something actually happened and he was alone. What if his heart decided to stop beating? Without help, he would die. It was nothing he could do to protect himself from that. That was a scary thought. 

He turned around and just walked out the apartment without looking back, locked the door and went down to the car and Harvey, without thinking so much more about the whole thing. 

He was actually looking forward to living with Harvey. He kind of worshipped the older man after all, not really worshipped, but looked up to. During his time at Pearson Hardman he had done everything he could to impress Harvey. Now a time in his life would start where he would come to depend on Harvey. Harvey would now both feed him and keep him with a place to stay. It was weird how life turned out. But Mike was glad that it was Harvey. And he was also so grateful, he had no idea of show he could ever repay Harvey for this. If he survived that was. 

He glanced over at Harvey on the other side of the car seat. He was doing something on his phone and looked totally normal, like they were just going to a meeting, not to Harvey’s apartment to get Mike settled in. Well, Mike figured if Harvey was cool with the whole thing, he should be too.

“Welcome then, I guess.” Harvey told him after dumping both of his bags on the couch. He had insisted that he carried them upstairs. “Make yourself at home, kid.”

“Thank you. For all of this. I really appriciate it you know. I don’t think I’ve told you that.”

“No problem. It’s for the best.” Harvey stated. Mike guessed it was. That was all they said about the whole thing. Mike took a nap and Harvey made dinner. They ate together and then went to bed. 

The following days passed and everything was as good as it could be for both of them. Mike didn’t know if Harvey knew how much he was struggling at night. He had thought that he would be able to sleep better now when he was staying at Harvey’s place, but he hadn’t so far. Most nights he had a lot of trouble falling asleep. He tried to stay up as late as he could, so that he would get tired enough to fall asleep quickly. But since he sometimes sneaked in a few naps during the day, he wasn’t that tired when it was time to go to bed. Sure he was tired, he was always tired now a days, but he wasn’t tired enough. He started to feel bad as soon as it got darker outside, when he knew that it was almost time. Harvey also insisted that it would be good for him to sleep early. He got a bit pissed on night when Mike refused to turn off the TV. It ended with Harvey grabbing the remote from him and turning it off himself. He then put it on the kitchen table, and Mike was too tired, or weak, to get up and get it. He felt like crying then, but managed to mask it as being annoyed. He cried into the pillow as soon as Harvey went to bed. He just didn’t know why it was so hard to fall asleep. He got so anxious every time. He didn’t want Harvey to go. He wanted his company, and the TV was a good way to keep Harvey in the room. 

“Come on, just one more episode.” He tried to bargain with Harvey on the third night he was there after moving in. 

“I already said no Mike. I’m going to bed, and you should too. Do you know how pale you look? You need sleep.”

“One more episode is not going to effect the color of my face.” 

“How do you know if you don’t try?” Harvey said as if Mike was a five year old. Harvey stood up and went to turn off the lights in the hallway. Mike felt the whole in his chest grow. No! 

”Harvey, please?” He begged before he could stop himself. Harvey must have heard how pathetic he sounded because he came back to the couch and slowly sat down again. He reached for the remote and took it from Mike’s hands and turned the TV off.

“You want to tell me what’s going on with you? That show is not that good.”

“There is nothing going on with me. I just don’t feel like sleeping yet that’s all.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not tired.”

“That’s not it. I can see it on you.” Harvey said and Mike fidgeted where he was on the couch. Whatever, Mike thought. There was no way he could tell Harvey how scared and lonely he felt as soon as Harvey left the room. Or the fact that he had cried himself to sleep practically every night for the last month or so. No way. To cry himself to sleep was tiring and he suspected that was one reason to why he was so tired during the day. 

“I told you it’s nothing.” He said defensively. Harvey caught on, of course, because he suddenly looked more concerned than before.

“You know you can tell me anything that is on your mind Mike.” He kindly said, even after Mike snapped at him.

“Yeah, right.” 

That got Harvey from looking concerned to looking annoyed. He sighed and stood up. 

“I don’t get what’s with you.” He said. “I’m trying to help you. But apparently you don’t want my help. Good night Mike.”

With that he was gone, even before Mike could reply. Of course he would screw it up. Harvey was just trying to be nice and to help him. Mike knew that. But he just couldn’t admit to how bad he was feeling. Not yet. He wanted to sometimes. Like now. Maybe he could go after Harvey. Maybe he could explain. Maybe if he just told Harvey that he was scared, maybe he would stay then. Because that was what Mike wanted, for Harvey to stay with him. He didn’t know if it would make him feel better, but he thought it would. When he had been sick, and Harvey had stayed it had felt nice, it had felt safe and he hadn’t been as scared. 

The fear was unexplainable to him. Logically he knew that he didn’t need to be scared of anything, but he just was anyway. He couldn’t stop. 

He got nightmares too when he eventually managed to fall asleep. That did not help anything. They were vivid and mostly woke him up panting and sweating. Often he dreamt about his parents or his grandmother. In one recurring dream he was in his old house where he lived as a child, except that it was much bigger and resembled the office in some ways. He was always looking for someone, wanting desperately to find them, but he never did. He wandered around in and out of rooms, screaming and searching, but never finding what he was looking for. In the dream it was always a sense of urgency, he needed to find them now or it would be too late. He never once found them before he woke. It was so stressful. It was always different people he was looking for too. Mostly his deceased family members but sometimes also Harvey or Donna, once even Jessica. When he woke he always felt so scared, stressed and sad. Why couldn’t he find them, just once? The first night he slept at Harvey’s place after officially moving in, he dreamt that he was looking for Harvey, but in the condo. He were nowhere to be found, and in the dream Mike new that Harvey was in the apartment somewhere, but he just couldn’t find him! When he woke he had felt so unsure if it had been a dream or not that he was forced to go and check if Harvey really was there. Luckily he was, and he had been able to sleep the rest of the night after checking. 

He really dreaded sleep now. Harvey was pissed at him as well. He just wished that Harvey would help him, without Mike having to tell him about the nightmares or his fear. He wanted Harvey to just know. He didn’t know how long he would be able to go on like this. 

He just lay there now. His heart was beating hard in his chest. He just wished it was something he could do about his situation, but it felt like it wasn’t anything he could do. Just wait. Sometimes he cried because it made him more tired. He contemplated on doing it now as well, he certainly could. He was holding it back at the moment. But there still was a change for Harvey to come back, and he couldn’t be laying crying like a baby then. He would think that Mike was crying because he couldn’t watch TV, and that would be so embarrassing and humiliating. He could explain himself of course, but he didn’t think he was ready to do that yet. So he waited. It probably took him three hours to fall asleep. He had nightmares that night too. 

– SUITS –

Harvey thought that the whole thing with Mike now living with him was going smoothly. Donna had been thrilled when she found out about it. 

“It is the right thing to do Harvey. I don’t get why you didn’t do this much sooner though.” She had said. She was probably right. 

Things changed a bit this night though. He didn’t know what Mike’s problem was. Clearly it was something, but Mike refused to tell him. To be honest it pissed Harvey off. He was being all nice to the kid, offering to talk and all, and Mike just dismissed him. Clearly he didn’t think that he could tell Harvey what was bothering him. Harvey thought that they had agreed on that Mike should do that. But clearly they were still struggling with it. He would have to try again tomorrow. 

Harvey knew that everything was getting to Mike more than he let on. The kid was trying to be brave about it all, but Harvey knew that he was scared. He had seen it clearly in Mike on a few occasions now, and he suspected it was going to happen more and more. It was like Mike’s whole personality was affected. He wasn’t that cocky kid with the big confidence anymore. He was now hesitant and careful when he spoke, he hardly ever smiled. Sure, some moments were good, and they were messing with each other like they always had, but it was rare. Harvey missed it.

Now they had been fighting. Or was it really a fight? Harvey had left the room in anger at least. But for what? Mike had wanted to watch another episode of that stupid show, and he had said no. That was it. Why didn’t he just watch another episode? Well, tomorrow was another day.

Harvey woke by his alarm the next day. Mike was still asleep when he went out in the living room. He decided to wake him half an hour later. 

“Mike, wake up. We have to leave soon.” 

Mike groaned and buried himself deeper down in the pillows. 

“Come on, get up. I have to be at the office in like an hour.”

“Then we have time.” Mike mumbled.

”No we don’t, because you have to get up, get dressed, eat, take your pills, and we have to wait for Ray.” 

Mike didn’t answer and didn’t move.

“Fine, you get five minutes.”

Harvey went to get himself ready, and gave Mike fifteen minutes. That had to be enough time for him to get up and get dressed at least. But when he stepped out again, Mike hadn’t moved an inch. 

“Hey, what’s wrong with you? We are going to be late.” Mike still didn’t answer him.

“Are you good?” Harvey then asked, because maybe he wasn’t. Mike still didn’t answer him. He got a bit annoyed then. How hard was it to answer?

“Mike? I don’t have time for this? Are you staying home or what?”

“Noo…Give…give me a minute.” Mike said then. He still didn’t move. 

“If you are coming you are getting up now. Otherwise you can stay home today. That’s fine.” Harvey did his best to sound nice. But clearly Mike didn’t think he was that nice. He groaned and started to move around on the couch. He turned around on his back and Harvey was able to see his face. He didn’t like what he was seeing. Mike was pale but had dark circles around his eyes. He looked like he had been up all night, his eyes were bloodshot. 

“Look, maybe you should stay at home today.” He said. 

“No… I’ll get up.” Mike started to fight with the covers, trying to get them off his legs. “Just give me a minute. “ He repeated. Harvey sighed and sat down by the table. He didn’t think it was a good idea for Mike to come, but he didn’t look like he was going to except anything else but coming with Harvey to work. 

The kid struggled to get up, he had to try twice to get up, and then he was swaying on his way to the bathroom. Harvey secretly watched him, and saw that he had to support himself against the wall as he walked. Yeah, this was a bad idea. But Mike was stubborn and they were on their way twenty minutes later. Mike fell asleep a few minutes into the car ride to the office. He was leaning against the window with his month hanging open. Harvey let him be. 

“Mike, we are here.” He shock the kids shoulder and stepped out of the car, and stood to wait by the sidewalk busying himself with his phone. He was aware of that Ray got out and opened the door for Mike, and probably helped him out because he heard Mike thank him. Once Harvey knew Mike was out, he started to walk. 

“Hey, wait up.” Mike came walking towards him and he slowed down a bit. Mike was breathing hard. “Wait.” He said and grabbed Harvey’s arm to slow him down even more, or maybe he was holding it for support since he did put much weight on it.

Harvey did stop to let Mike get himself under control again. His breathing evened out pretty quick, but Harvey had already gotten worried. What were they doing? Mike was clearly not well enough to be at the office today. But he didn’t say anything, they were already there after all. 

“You good to go?” He asked instead and when Mike nodded and let go of his arm he started walking to the building, slower this time. 

He suggested that Mike would work in his office, and Mike agreed to do just that. He just needed to get some stuff first he told Harvey before he disappeared towards his cubicle. Harvey walked towards his office. Donna was already there, and she greeted him when he came. 

“How is Mike? Where is he?”

“He is not doing so well, but he is pretending that everything is fine.” 

“Sounds about right. But you are still letting him work?”

“It’s what he wants.” 

“So he is the one calling the shots here?”

“I never said that. Look, here he comes.”

That got Donnas attention away from him and she started to bother Mike instead. She was scolding him for being at the office, asking him about his medication, if he was eating right, if Harvey had taken care of him or not. Harvey could see that Mike was struggling with defending himself and he smirked a bit. Donna got Mike to sit down on the couch, and as he took out a few files to start working on she snatched them from his hands.

“Oh come on Donna! Give them back.” 

“You shouldn’t be working Mike, you should be resting. You look like you are going to collapse at any minute.” 

Mike growled and made another attempt to get to his files. “I’m not collapsing…” he failed at getting them from her. “Harvey!” he complained. 

“Oh, don’t come to me. Do what Donna tells you Mike. Like a good boy.” 

“Oh, shut up. It’s files for you anyway, so you will lose on it.”

“I think I can manage.”

“Thank you Harvey.” Donna said. “Now, lay down Mike.” She tried to push him down where they were on the couch, but Mike resisted. 

“No, stop Donna. I don’t want to lay down.” She didn’t give up, and neither did Mike, but Harvey could tell that he was really fighting to stay upright against her. That told him something about Mike’s current physique. Sure Donna was strong, but Mike should be able to resist her. Mike surprised both Harvey and Donna a bit later. 

“No, stop it! Get off me!” He raised his voice so that he was almost yelling and at the same time he pushed her away. Donna let him go immediately then. Mike was breathing hard as he moved further away from her on the couch. He wouldn’t look at her. 

“I’m sorry Mike.” She said quietly and then stood up and left the room and Harvey knew that she was more upset then she let on. 

“What’s up Mike?” He questioned the kid. Mike’s wide eyes were flickering between him and Donna who now was at her desk. 

“I…I…I didn’t want to lay down. I didn’t want to.” The kid looked like he was going to break down at any minute. It really had been a bad idea to bring him.

“Yeah, all right. You don’t have to. Relax.” He left Mike be for a while, and Mike didn’t say anything else. 

“You upset Donna.” Harvey said after a few minutes. Mike hadn’t moved. He just sat there like frozen on the couch, staring down into the floor. “Mike.” He didn’t answer or showed in any way that he had heard him. It annoyed Harvey more than it should, but come on, it was not that hard to just answer. 

“Mike!” Harvey raised his voice, and with that Mike’s head snapped up and they looked eyes. Mike’s eyes were wide and shiny, and he looked scared. 

“So-Sorry.” He said. He pulled a bit at his tie. Mike bit his lip hard and Harvey could see that they were trembling. He looked down at the floor again. Suddenly his eyes flooded over and two tears ran down his cheeks while Harvey looked. Mike wasn’t quick enough to wipe them away. What was going on? Harvey sighed and got up from his desk. He threw a look towards Donna, and she raised her eyebrows questioningly, but he shook his head. He could take care of this. At least he thought so. He sat down next to him. Now that he was closer he noticed how tense Mike was, his whole body was trembling just enough to be noticed now when he was closer.   
“Mike, you are clearly not okay. Will you tell me what’s going on with you?” And when Mike still didn’t react he added “Please.” He knew that would take effect. He couldn’t remember a time when he had said please to Mike before. 

“I am just so tired.” Mike whispered. 

“Yeah?” 

“I couldn’t sleep last night.” Mike didn’t offer up more information, and he shewed on his lip. 

“I didn’t mean to upset her.” He wiped his eyes again. “Sorry.” Of course he would be upset about that. 

“Mike…” Harvey started. 

“I didn’t mean to Harvey. I just didn’t want to lay down. I didn’t mean to yell.” Mike’s left leg was shaking. He started right down in front of him. 

Harvey nodded. He was briefly considering whether he should have a talk with Mike about him once again not telling him something was up with him, but a second glance at Mike stopped him. 

“Yeah okay. I think Donna knows that. She is fine, alright.” He said instead. “I bet she is feeling much better than you are. You want to talk to her?”

It was Mike’s turn to nod. Harvey waved a bit and the door opened only a few seconds later. Harvey stepped away to make room for Donna.

Mike tried to apologize again, but she just shushed him a bit and stroke his cheek. “It’s okay.” She whispered to him. “I’m not upset Mike. I shouldn’t have tried to force you. Let’s forget about it now.”

Mike seemed to agree. 

“Do you want to sleep Mike? It’s okay if you want. You can sleep right here.” Donna mentioned for the couch. Mike nodded again. “If it’s okay?” He looked over at Harvey. 

“Go ahead.”

Mike seemed to know when he was defeated, because he let Donna tuck him in under the blankets that she excitingly took out of the cupboard, and draped over him. Mike’s eyes were still glassy and he wouldn’t meet anyone’s eye. But Donna sat down next to him, and stroke his arm a bit until he closed his eyes. He fell asleep only minutes later, and Donna stood up and went over to Harvey. They looked at each other. 

“Well…” Harvey started. 

“How could you bring him here?” Donna interrupted. 

“I didn’t think I should leave him alone.” 

“Clearly.” 

She looked over to the sleeping man.

“Shouldn’t he be at the hospital, Harvey? He looks really bad.” 

“Yeah, I ask myself that question.” Harvey said with a sigh. “We’ll let him sleep and then see I guess.”

Donna nodded and both of them quietly went back to work. Mike slept on for about three hours when he woke up suddenly sitting up causing Harvey to jerk a bit himself. It was so sudden. Mike was breathing rapidly and looked around the office with wide eyes. Harvey was just about to say something when Mike laid back down and fell asleep again almost instantly. 

Harvey stood up and walked out to talk a bit to Donna. She looked up with a worried expression as soon as he stepped out and closed the door behind him. He leaned against her desk.

“What’s going on with the puppy?” She asked before he had time to say something. 

“If I knew! He has been weird all morning.”

“What did he tell you before?”

“You didn’t listen?”

“You weren’t talking loud enough.”

“He just said that he was tired.” 

“Well, that was obviously true.” Donna looked at Mike on the couch. “How was he yesterday?” she asked. 

“I don’t know. He was throwing a fit because I wouldn’t watch TV until early morning with him.”

Donna raised an eyebrow. “Was that really the reason?”

“I don’t know. He didn’t say?”

“Did you ask?”

“Yes!”

”But?” 

”How did you know there was… Fine. He got lippy, so I went to bed.” 

“You know something is wrong right?” Donna said absentmindedly looking at Mike again.

“Yeah. Something is up.” Harvey followed her gaze. Mike was still passed out on his couch. 

”He has been looking tired a lot lately. Is he still sleeping on your couch?”

“Yeah, but…”

“You really have to do something about that Harvey. He is sick, you can’t have him sleeping on a couch. Not now when he is supposed to be living with you full time.”

“Donna, calm down. I’m working on it.”

“You are? Are you going to give him your bed?”

“What? No way!”

“Are you sharing your bed now, Harvey?” Both Harvey and Donna turned around. It was Jessica.

“No. Jessica.” Harvey glared at Donna. “No one is getting my bed.”

”Just your couch I see.”

“Yeah, well. He was tired.” Harvey finished lamely, expecting Jessica to berate him for letting Mike sleep at office hours. But she surprised him. 

”How is he holding up?”

“Not perfect.” She just nodded.

“I need to talk to you about the Garstad case, Harvey. Let’s go to my office then.” She started to walk away expecting Harvey to follow. He did, but first caught Donna’s eyes and nodded towards his office and Mike. She nodded back.

– SUITS –

Mike had no idea of how long he had slept when he woke up again. He was on Harvey’s couch in his office. Harvey was not there though. He felt a bit better then before. He really had been feeling like crap all morning. It was like he had been on the verge on a full break down and it had been really hard to hold everything in. He had barely gotten any sleep which he suspected contributed a lot to his emotional state. The nightmares had plagued him the whole night. When he finally managed to get rid of them, Harvey woke him up. 

He had seriously considered to stay at home this morning, at least for a few seconds before he remembered. He was not supposed to be alone. The doctors words about the whole being alone thing was playing like a film in his mind when Harvey asked him if he was going to stay at home. Didn’t Harvey remember that? Clearly he didn’t, because he seemed annoyed when Mike wasn’t fast enough to get dressed. 

Mike felt like things were strained between them. He had screwed up somehow. He just wasn’t entirely sure on how or what he had done. But it was something. Harvey had been pretty nice to him before he passed out on the couch though. On the other hand he had been crying and Donna was around so Harvey probably didn’t dare to do anything else. He had really embarrassed himself. Again.

Mike had screwed up again though. He had yelled at Donna! Even after he had done that, she had been nice to him too. He had no idea why. He just felt confused about everything at the moment. He still felt tired, but like he would be able to stay awake. He should probably get some work done. He glanced at his watch and saw that he had been sleeping for four hours! Oh my god! Why hadn’t they woke him up? 

Donna was at her desk so he stumbled out to her. 

“Oh you are awake.” She smiled at him. ”Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, I am. Look, Donna. I’m sorry about before. I wasn’t really thinking clearly.”

“It’s okay. Can I get you something? You missed lunch. There is a sandwich in your fridge.”

“Sure. Care to join me?”

She smiled again, and did. They sat down at the table in Harvey’s office and had their lunch. Or Mike had his since Donna had already eaten. Neither he nor Donna brought up the previous morning, something Mike was grateful for. They small talked for a while about nothing special. But Mike knew that she was just building up for asking the questions she really wanted to ask him. 

“Are things going good at Harvey’s?”

“Yes, they are Donna.” She looked at him. 

”Would you tell me if they weren’t?” she asked. The question surprised him a bit. 

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly. She left it at that. 

“Well, you are welcome at my place anytime Mike.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, are you going to eat that last piece or not?”

Harvey came back a while later. All he did was to ask if Mike was okay. He seemed satisfied when Mike told him that he was. The rest of the day went surprisingly well. Mike figured his four hour nap had something to do with it. 

That night at Harvey’s place, Harvey stayed on the couch with him for a long time. However he lowered the volume of the TV, so that you almost couldn’t hear it, and then he took out a few files. Mike fell asleep while he was still there. It was such a relief for him, and Harvey seemed to understand that, even though he didn’t say anything. 

Mike felt better the next day, he had only had a one or two nightmares. He had a hospital appointment later that day, which meant that he would feel like crap that evening. He was not looking forward to that. He went with Harvey to the office, but declined when Harvey asked if he wanted company. He agreed on Ray driving him there and back though. Why say no to that? 

After the visit Ray drove him back to the office which Mike thought was strange, normally they would just head home after. But he felt okay, and Ray said that Harvey wanted him to come. 

Mike walked into Harvey’s office, and sat down in front of him.

“How did it go?” Harvey asked without looking up from his screen.

“It was fine. Not that amusing I guess.” 

”You expect it to be amusing?”

“Well, they could put a bit more effort into that. I would appreciate it.” 

“You should suggest that to them.”

“I might. What’s up with you?”

“I want you to look through this.” Harvey threw him a bunch of files. Mike groaned. 

“This is not amusing either.”

“You are getting paid. Think about that.”

They worked for a few hours before Donna came in and told them to leave. Mike thought it was a good idea. 

Harvey was acting a bit strange though. Mike had no idea why. He kept throwing him glances, and when they got to the condo, and looked around as if he never had seen the place before. To Mike everything looked the same. 

“What are you doing?”

“What?” Harvey said. ”Nothing. Go sit down.” 

”You are weird.” Mike called after him as he walked away into the apartment. But he did go and sit down and brought some files with him. He was kind of beat. At least he wasn’t nauseated yet. That was a good thing!

Harvey came back after a few minutes and stood in front of him, looking even more weird than before.

“What?” he asked.

– SUITS –

Harvey stood in front of Mike where he was on the couch. His former bed. Everything had worked out well. The moving guys hadn’t made such a big mess as he thought they would make. He just had to get the last things in place for the kid. Mike didn’t suspect a thing. 

”Mike, come on. I want to show you something.” 

Mike looked up from the files he was reading on the couch. 

“What?” he said and looked suspiciously at Harvey. 

“Just come with me.” Harvey said and turned around and started to walk away from him, but heard how Mike quickly got up and followed him. He stopped outside the door to his office, and somehow the situation reminded him of that of a father and son, they why they were standing outside the door. For a moment he thought it silly, but then he thought that Mike probably would appreciate it being a surprise.

“Open it.” He said and mentioned for the door. Mike just stared at him. 

“What are you doing? Did you put something on the door handle or something? Is that why you want me to open it?” Harvey just raised an eye brow at him, so Mike opened the door and they went inside the room. Mike stopped just a few feet in, so that Harvey almost bumped into him. 

“What is this?” Mike asked. ”Is this for me?” He added quietly. 

“What do you think?” 

“You did this for me? Harvey…” He stopped himself and Harvey watched him as he took in the room that once had been Harvey’s home office. The desk that was positioned against the big windows was still there, but during Mike’s hospital visit Harvey had worked hard with getting a few filing cabinets and a book shelf out of the way to make room for a bed, that was now placed in the corner to the left of the door. 

Mike went over to the bed that had multiple pillows and a thick cover, and some blankets placed at the end of it. He just stood a while in front of it, until Harvey started to feel awkward. 

“So, what do you think?” he said. 

“This is mine?” 

Harvey didn’t even bother coming up with a joke for that question. Mike turned around to face him, and Harvey thought that the kid’s eyes were a bit wet. But he had a huge smile on his face. 

“Thank you Harvey!” he said. “This is awesome. You have no idea! When did you pull this off?” He laughed and threw himself down on the bed. He groaned and stretched himself out. “I get my own room! You know I will never leave now right? You are soo stuck with me!” 

Harvey shock his head and started smile, even though his thoughts also lingered on the seriousness of Mike’s joke.

“I just couldn’t deal with you being in the living room all the time.” He said. “This is just so that I don’t have to see you all the time.” 

“Yeah, sure. You will miss me so much, that you will start hanging out by the desk over there instead.” 

“We’ll see about that.” Harvey turned and walked out of the room. Mike followed him shortly after. 

“I really appreciate the room, Harvey.” He said when they were having dinner a while later. 

“Good. That bed is probably more comfortable than the couch.” 

Mike just nodded, and they had the rest of their meal in silence. Mike was throwing him glances once in a while, and every time their eyes met Mike would smile. It made Harvey feel good. Such a simple thing as getting a bed in his office made the kid so happy. It was kind of rare now a days to see Mike smile this much. They both needed something good. At least this was something. 

– SUITS –


	18. Chapter 18

Unfortunately for Mike his first night in his new bed didn’t turn out that well. He didn’t feel that well after dinner, and Harvey suggested that he should go and try the bed out, so he did. He stepped into the office for a second time. He hadn’t been inside this room before. He knew that Harvey had an office, but he had never had a reason to go in there before. But now it was his room. Harvey had gotten him his own room! He just felt so happy about it, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling. He couldn’t believe Harvey did that. 

The bed was pretty big. It could easily fit two people, but Harvey had put some pillows against the wall, so it appeared a bit smaller. The pillows was a good idea, he could then lean against them, and have a view out of the room that was quite big with huge windows. Harvey still had his desk there. Maybe he would come in and work there sometimes. Mike would like it if he did. 

When he inspected the bed more closely he discovered that it was electrical and that the top of it was adjustable, kind of like a hospital bed. It must have cost Harvey a fortune. Mike had never had a bed that nice before. But when he thought about it, it was typical Harvey. 

When he laid down on it, he knew that he also never had a bed that comfortable. He probably was a sleep within a minute. 

Since he had had treatment that day he woke up about two later feeling bad. He felt nauseous and started to sweat. He really hated the side effects, he was too tired to deal with it at the moment, but was force to do so anyway. He stumbled out of the bed, passed Harvey on the couch and went into the bathroom. He was just in time, because as soon as he stepped into the room he was violently sick in the toilet. He didn’t even have time to close the door. 

It didn’t ease up and he cursed heavily. 

“Wow… is it that bad, huh?”

Harvey was in the doorway, but Mike was too busy to acknowledge him.

“You need anything?” 

“No…” Mike panted. 

“Okay… You let me know if you do.” Harvey left after that, and Mike spent another hour in the bathroom before he dared to move. He made it to his new bedroom, and carefully sank down on the bed to lay down. Harvey had been there because there was a juice bottle, a glass of water and some pills on the night stand. Also a bucket. 

Just as he was lying there, breathing hard, and trying to stay as still as possible not to be nauseous, the door opened a bit more and Harvey stepped inside. 

“Hey Mike.” He said and sat down at the edge of the bed. “How are you holding up?” 

“Trying to not throw up. How are you?” Mike said causing Harvey to chuckle. 

“I’m good kid. I hope you won’t throw up either. That’s disgusting.”

“Yeah…” Mike groaned. “Try doing it for hours and hours. Pretty soon it’s just bile, but it keeps…”

“Thank you. I don’t want any details.”

“No? Cause I can describe every single time if you want?”

“I think I’ll pass.” Harvey said dryly. Mike closed his eyes hoping to quell the nausea that threatened within him. He didn’t say anything for a while. He was too focused with breathing. He was a bit surprised when Harvey talked again, he had almost forgotten that he was there. 

“You want some company, or do you want me to leave?”

“No…”

“No, what? You want me to go or stay?”

“Yes...”

“God Mike!”

”Company, I want company. Entertain me, Harvey.” He said hopefully.

Harvey sat down on a chair. “Entertain you, huh?”

“Distract me then…” Mike said quietly. 

Harvey was quiet for some time.

“You know, I think I can do that.” He then said thoughtfully. For the next hour or so Mike was lying there on his new bed listening to Harvey telling him stories. It was kind of nice. He almost fell asleep too, but then he had to get up because he felt too sick. Harvey gave him the bucket and he sat on the edge of the bed clutching it in his lap. He was feeling dizzy as well now, overall crappy. 

He was so tired as well. He wished that he could just sleep, without the sickness, the dark thoughts and the nightmares. He wasn’t that lucky though, and had to endure another two hours of throwing up before he fell into an exhausted sleep. He wasn’t really aware of that much that was going on around him. Sometimes Harvey was there and sometimes he wasn’t. Harvey spoke to him sometimes and he did his best to answer, but he also kind of wished that Harvey would just shut up, so that Mike didn’t have to make the effort of listening to him. He didn’t say anything though, he was just thankful that Harvey was there at all. 

He almost panicked when he woke up and was sick all over the cover of the bed. He hadn’t had time to react. He was coughing and trying his best to not make it worse. He shakily sat up and realized what he had done. The room was empty and he was disoriented. He didn’t know what to do. He should clean it up, but how? Where would he sleep? What would he do with it all? He didn’t think he was in any shape of doing laundry at the moment. In the end he just pushed the cover down on the floor. He would have to deal with it tomorrow, he just couldn’t now. He just felt too bad. 

It was cold without the cover. He had been pretty sure he had a blanket too, but he couldn’t find it. It was so dark too. He curled up against the pillows and brought one to his chest for some warmth. He soon was starting to feel really cold, and started to shake. He couldn’t stop from doing it. He was breathing shakily and felt his eyes water. It was really dark. He was a bit unsure on where he was. He was not in the living room anymore. Oh, that’s right! Harvey had given him a new bed, and Mike had, of course, screwed it up. As always. It was all he did. 

– SUITS –

Harvey felt strangely domestic. That was not something he was accustomed to. Sure he considered himself to be a fairly good cook and he took care of his own place, but now, with Mike in the house it was different. He had to be, he had to take care of things that he didn’t put a lot of effort into before. He had to cook nutritious food, he had to keep the place clean and dust free and he had to take care of Mike when he was sick. 

Like now. 

He had expected Mike to feel bad tonight because of the chemo but it had taken longer than usual. But now Mike was violently ill in the bathroom. Poor kid. Harvey could hear him coughing and swearing. He smirked a bit too himself as he put the bucket and some other supplies in Mike’s room. Strange, he was already thinking of it as Mike’s room. 

He decided to wait for a while before he offered the kid more help. Mike passed him a while later and went into his room. Harvey gave him a while to get himself together and then he joined him. He knew that the kid felt like crap, so the least Harvey could do was to keep him company which Mike apparently wanted to have.   
Harvey was almost a bit hoarse after talking uninterrupted for so long. Mike had just been lying there listening. Harvey knew he wasn’t asleep of the way he breathed and shifted carefully on the bed once in a while, however he didn’t open his eyes. He had felt so bad for him

He left only when he was sure of the fact that Mike was asleep. Hopefully he would stay that way during the night, but not likely. He was right of course. At first he didn’t know what had woken him, but then realized that he could hear sounds from Mike’s direction. He slowly sat up and looked at his watch. It was almost five in the morning. He went to investigate. 

It was quiet when he got out in the living room. He stood and listen for a moment, but couldn’t hear anything. He went over to check on Mike just in case. He carefully pushed the door opened. It didn’t really smell so good in the room, Mike had been sick again. The young man himself was curled up on the bed hugging a pillow to his chest, the cover was on the floor. In the dim light from the hallway Harvey could see that he was shaking. 

“Mike? You okay?” he asked and watched as Mike jerked in surprise before he turned on his back. 

“I’m…I’m sorry.” Was all he said though. 

”For what?”

”I couldn’t…I wasn’t fast enough. I was sick.” 

For a moment Harvey thought that he was delirious, but then it clicked. 

“Don’t worry about it. How about we find you another blanket huh?”

He carefully scooped up the soiled cover and threw it in the laundry basket in the bathroom, then he took the blanket from the couch and went back and draped it over Mike, before he went to the kitchen and got supplies that he thought useful. 

When he came back Mike was in the same position as before curled up in a ball, he was clutching the blanket close to his body. Harvey saw that he was still shaking. 

“Mike?” He asked. “Are you okay? Are you still cold?” 

“Yeah…” 

“Oh…Okay. Let’s see if we can do something about that huh?” Harvey replied and went to search for something else to cover the kid with. It was not like he had a bunch of blankets in the house. He thought he had one more somewhere, but Mike was shaking so badly that it probably wouldn’t be enough for him. He swore quietly to himself and went to his own bed, grabbed the cover and went back to the kid. Mike would need it more than him, and he could always use the blanket. He couldn’t have Mike lying there freezing the entire night, that wouldn’t be right. He dumped the cover on top of Mike as a joke. 

“Here you go. You can use this.” He told him. Mike however did nothing to correct the fabric that was covering half of his face, causing Harvey to feel bad. He quickly draped it over the kid away from his face, muttering an apology. Mike then almost desperately pulled it closer to his body.

“I’m so cold… Shit.” He whispered. “Is this yours?” He asked a moment later indicating for the cover. 

“Yes.” Harvey just said. 

“Oh…” Mike hesitated. “You…you can take it. I don’t need it that much.”

“Oh come on, you just complained on how cold you are.”

“Yeah, but now you don’t have anything because I threw up on mine, and you shouldn’t have to do that. It was my fault.”

“It’s one night Mike. I can use a blanket. You keep that.” He pushed Mike hand back down from where he was holding the cover up to him. 

“But…but…” 

“Just go to sleep will you? It’s late and I’m tired.” 

“Oh…Sorry.” 

”No, it’s no problem. Just go to sleep, okay.”

“Okay.” 

Harvey left for his bed when he was sure Mike was asleep again. It took the kid a while. It seemed like he was still cold because he wouldn’t stop shaking for quite some time. 

Harvey brought a blanket from the couch and draped over himself, it was not as nice as his cover, but it would have to do. Mike really needed it more. 

Mike was so different now. It was like he was afraid of pissing Harvey off. It wouldn’t be so strange if he was after all. Mike was very much dependent on him now, and he wouldn’t have anyone else to turn to if he didn’t have Harvey. It was a heavy realization. He couldn’t imagine how it must be like for Mike, to be in this situation, being so ill and having to suddenly depend on someone else. 

The kid wasn’t his normal self anymore. It was like he was a different person entirely. He sort of reminded Harvey off a scared little boy. And he kind of was. Harvey felt a surge of protection against him. He knew that he would do anything for Mike. He just wanted him to get better. It was his biggest wish at the moment. 

Unfortunately it didn’t seem to be happening any time soon.

Mike didn’t even look like himself anymore. He had dark circles under his eyes, his skin was pale almost white and he was overall much thinner than before. When he had to help him to the bathroom or back to bed Harvey could feel his ribs underneath his clothes. He should probably keep a closer watch on what the kid was eating.   
Suddenly he had an overwhelming urge to go and check on Mike again. He laid there debating whether to do it or not, and eventually did it. Mike was in the same position as he had been ten minutes ago.

It was Saturday the next day, and both Mike and Harvey really needed it. They had a late breakfast and after that they went on with their own things. Mike went back to his bedroom and Harvey sat at the couch going through some files for the case he was working on. It was work that Mike normally would be doing. He had been thinking this time about handing it off to some of the other associates, but had decided to just do it himself. He didn’t want to risk the fact that Mike would find out that Harvey had someone else doing the work he was supposed to do. It would not go well by him, Harvey was sure of it. So here he was, doing it himself.   
He heard a noise coming from his office that was now Mike’s room. He looked up and saw Mike coming into the living room. He was wearing sweat pants and a hoodie. His hair was messed up and he looked exhausted, something he pointed out to Mike.

“Oh shut up.” Mike muttered and plumped down on the couch next to him. He stretched for the remote and turned on the TV. He settled for a movie that they both had seen, but Harvey didn’t say anything. He was supposed to work after all. 

As the movie played on Harvey noticed that Mike was getting more and more tired, and soon he fell asleep, snoring lightly. He slowly listed to the side against Harvey, and just as he tipped over against him, Harvey made an attempt to push him back a little, but failed. The next thing he knew Mike’s head was resting against his shoulder. 

“Oh come on! Seriously?” He muttered. But he didn’t move. 

Mike hadn’t been sleeping well at all lately, and yesterday night hadn’t been an exception. Harvey had noticed it on the way he looked, and how hard it probably was for him to get up in the morning. Though in the evenings it seemed like Mike was resistant to go to bed. He would ask Harvey if he wanted to watch a movie or if they could stay up a bit longer to work. He had complied a few times. It was no wonder the kid got tired. 

Mike was struggling during the days, he looked tired most of the time. He was always pale and had dark circles under his eyes. He had nodded off a few times in Harvey’s office, and Harvey had wanted to send him home. Donna had also tried to help by suggestion naps on Harvey’s couch. The two of them also went out for lunch when Mike was up for it, and Donna forced the kid to eat healthier. Mike had complained about it.

This was why Harvey decided to just let Mike sleep for now, leaning heavily against him. It forced him to leave his right arm in the same position which made it difficult to write down notes, but he could manage. If it meant that the kid got some well-needed sleep, he could manage. 

It took two hours before Mike began to stir. Harvey watched with amusement as he woke up and realized what he had been doing. 

“Oh shit.” He groaned and pushed himself away from Harvey. His normally pale face took on a reddish color. “Sorry.” 

Harvey just smirked and shook his head. 

“I fell asleep on you.” Mike stated. He was quiet for a while and watched Harvey. “Wait a minute.” He then said. “You let me sleep on you! That was unexpected. What does that mean Harvey?” 

“Shut up.” 

“You so care.” Mike chuckled and got up from the couch and went over to the kitchen. Harvey chose to ignore him. Mike started to go through his kitchen shelfs, slamming with plates and pans. “That’s nice.” Harvey heard him add quietly. Harvey smiled down into his files. 

“Hey Harvey?” Mike shouted. “You want lunch?”

“Sure.” 

– SUITS –

It was a bit embarrassing that he had fallen asleep leaning against Harvey. Not that he had been able to control it, because he was after all sleeping. What surprised him was that Harvey actually had let him. He hadn’t thought that the older man would ever allow him to do something like that. Harvey did surprise him sometimes.   
He enjoyed the fact that he was able to cook lunch. He felt like he contributed somewhat then. He didn’t only take advantage of Harvey’s hospitality then, he actually could do something, help. It was not often he felt like that now a days. Most of the time he felt totally helpless. Or at least like he wouldn’t know what to do if Harvey decided he didn’t want to help him out anymore. He didn’t think Harvey would ever back out of this, but he couldn’t help fearing that there was a tiny possibility that he would. The truth was that he was scared of screwing up, causing Harvey to end it and throw him out. He would die then, sometimes it was how it felt. But it wasn’t fair to Harvey to think like that he also thought. Harvey would probably be mad if he knew about it. 

So far they had gotten in a lot of weird situations that they both under normal circumstances would have been uncomfortable in, but now was dealing on a regular basis. Mike had a feeling it would only get more frequent. Even today he didn’t feel good. He was tired and felt kind of weak. He also had a dull ache in his chest that wouldn’t go away, and he suspected that it would only get worse. Hopefully he wouldn’t end up in the hospital, he really didn’t feel like going there, not now when Harvey had gotten him a bed and his own room and everything. He rubbed his chest a bit, but stopped himself. He was kind of sore. His skin had started to become affected from the radiation he was getting, he had noticed a few areas that was starting to look kind of red. 

He was starting to feel worse. The lunch wasn’t finished yet, so he couldn’t go and lay down yet. Sure he could ask Harvey to finish, but he thought he could tough it out. 

By the time he was finish his chest was hurting so much that he couldn’t stand up straight. He had to sit down by the table and collect himself for a moment before he called Harvey to come and eat. Harvey watched him with a raised eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Mike just picked in his food. He wasn’t hungry anymore. 

”You don’t like it?” Harvey asked him. 

”Not really.”

”You okay? You don’t look so good.” 

“Not really.”

“You look like you are going to throw up. Go lie down.”

Mike nodded and slowly stood. “Yeah, I think I will.” He hesitated.

”I will take care of it.” Harvey mentioned for his plate and barely eaten food. “I will save it for you.”

Mike’s thought was to go and lie down on his bed, but as soon as he stood up he realized that he probably wouldn’t be able to make it to his bed without having to ask Harvey for help. He mostly just wanted to sink down right where he stood, but he couldn’t do that. Harvey would freak out. He pretended that he was better than he was and went for the couch. It felt like it took him forever to get there, but Harvey didn’t comment. Maybe he was too busy eating. 

He sank down on his stomach on the couch. His chest was really hurting by now. He didn’t get how it could become so bad so fast. He prayed for it to pass quickly. It was a while ago since he took pain killers so he could probably do it soon. He just had to ask Harvey for them. That meant admitting he was in pain. He didn’t really want to do that. 

However after just ten minutes or so he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Harvey?” 

He heard the other man get up and walk over to him.

“What’s up?” He asked.

“Could you get me my pain killers?” He tried to sound casual. Harvey didn’t fall for it.

“Is it that bad? Didn’t you just take some?” But he went to get them and a glass of water. 

“Do you need help taking them?” He kindly asked when he returned.

Mike tried to move. It got worse. “Yeah…” He breathed out. Harvey grabbed his shoulder and turned him easily on his back, and then heaved him up and propped him against the back of the couch. When had Harvey become so good at that? 

“Open up.” He said and held the pills up against Mike’s mouth. For a moment he tried to grab them, but Harvey wouldn’t let him so he just opened his mouth. 

“I can do it myself.” He whined when Harvey held up the glass as well. 

“This is faster, and I can make sure you don’t stain my couch.”

“It’s just water. It wouldn’t stain.” 

“Well, I don’t want it wet either. Now, lay down again.” 

Mike did what he was told and closed his eyes. Maybe he could get some sleep. After a few minutes he knew that that was not going to happen. It hurt too much. It was all he could think about, how much he was hurting right this second. He found a pillow next to him and pressed it hard against his chest in hope that it would help. He was starting to sweat. Even breathing hurt. What was happening to him? Why wasn’t the pain killers helping? Usually when he took them, the pain slowly would ebb away, however this time it didn’t. It felt like it was getting worse. He wanted it to stop. To stop now! 

– SUITS –

Mike was on the couch. He was on his stomach clutching a pillow to his chest. Harvey knew at once that it was serious this time, because the kid had his eyes tightly shut and he was shaking a bit. It looked like he was trying to stay as still as possible. Even the breathing was he trying to keep to a minimum movement. 

“Are you okay Mike?” He asked. It was a stupid question and Mike slowly and carefully shook his head. Of course he wasn’t okay. You could see it from far away. 

“What’s wrong?” Harvey stepped closer to him. 

“It hurts. My chest.” Mike panted.

“Have you taken the pain killers?” Harvey asked. 

“Yeah. But it’s not helping.” Mike breathed out.

“That sucks.” Harvey sat down next to him. “Anything I can do?” He asked. 

“I don’t know.” Mike answered after a moment. 

“Okay, well. Let me know if it is. I’m sure your meds will take effect soon. I’ll be over by the table.”

He opened his laptop, and was soon deeply engaged in a case file. Mike however interrupted his thought process about forty minutes later by groaning. Apparently he was still in pain. Harvey sighed and closed the laptop, and rubbed his face. He was pretty tired, and he suspected that he wouldn’t be able to go to bed any time soon. Not that he minded, not really. It was just hard to know that Mike was struggling, to see him like that. He went over to him. 

Mike was trembling. The blanket had slipped down his back, he was on his stomach. His shirt stuck to his back from sweat. He had his arms tightly pressed against his chest and had his shirt clenched in his fist. He really did look bad. Harvey sat down on the table next to him, and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Mike, hey. Is it something I can do?” He asked.

“It hurts, Har… Harvey.”

“Yeah, I get that. It will get better, you have to let the meds work.” 

“No, they…they don’t. It doesn’t work. It’s not getting better. It’s getting worse.”

Harvey didn’t really know what to answer to that. He didn’t want to lie to the kid. 

“You want to move to the bed?” He asked instead. “You will be more comfortable there.” 

“I don’t think it will hurt less just because I move to the bed.”

“It can’t hurt to try.” Harvey decided. “Come on!”

Mike complied and groaned as he sat up. He folded himself in half as soon as he was able too. Harvey helped him to stand up, and Mike’s knees buckled almost instantly. “Whoa. I got you.” Harvey said and steadied him as they made their way to Mike’s room. Mike fell down face down on top of it as soon as he was within reach. He groaned into the pillows, and swore.

“I hate this. I hate this.” He mumbled. 

“Yeah, well. It will pass Mike. Just try to rest.” He made for the door.

“No, where are you going?” Mike stopped him. “You just dump me here?” He panted angrily. “You just wanted to get rid of me?” His head was still buried in the pillows, so Harvey couldn’t read his expression. 

“No, I didn’t. What do you want me to do then Mike?”   
“I don’t know! You figure it out yourself!” Clearly Mike was pissed off now. 

“So what? You want me to just sit here then?” He went for a chair.

“Yeah!” Mike said forcefully, and Harvey guessed that it was apparently exactly what he was going to do. 

Harvey clenched his teeth as he listened when Mike moaned and twisted on the bed. 

“It will pass.” He stupidly said. He searched his mind for anything else, but couldn’t come up with it. 

“No, it won’t. It feels like my muscles are tearing apart or… or something. It hurts so much.”

Harvey nodded, before he realized that Mike couldn’t see him since his eyes was screwed shut. 

“Just hang in there. You can get through it.”

They spent about ten minutes in silence but then Mike couldn’t take it anymore. His ragged breathing became worse, and it almost sounded like he was trying not go cry. 

“I want it to stop. God, I want it to stop now.” 

“I know. I know.” Harvey tried to comfort him. 

“No, you don’t know! It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.” He was almost hysterical at this point, panting and twisting in the bed, and Harvey knew he had to do something. He just didn’t know what! 

Maybe they should just go to the hospital. He had had that thought a while now. Mike clearly needed stronger medication. Shit! He felt so helpless.

”Mike, Mike? It’s okay. I know you are hurting.” He patted the kids back pretty forcefully, and Mike twisted against his hand. Maybe if he just could get the kid to focus on something else.

“Oh god…” Mike mumbled. “I feel sick.” 

“Yeah you are.”

“It’s not funny…”

“No, it’s not. Do you need to throw up?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Ow..” he pressed harder at his chest. Harvey felt him shake more, like he was crying. 

“Shh, shh..” He said quietly. Harvey felt really shaken up. “You want me to take you to the hospital?”

“No! No, Harvey. I don’t want to go there.” Mike hiccupped. “I don’t.”

“Fine. I was just asking Mike. But it might be a good idea. Your meds doesn’t seem to be working.” 

“They won’t do anything anyway.”

“They will help you god dammit!” 

“Please…I don’t want to go.” 

Harvey let the subject drop. He looked at his watch. If the kid wasn’t better within the next hour he would take him anyway. He wouldn’t care what Mike wanted. He could barely stand seeing him like this. He was pretty sure that the kid was crying in his pillow by now. Sometimes he made some pathetic whimpering noises that made Harvey’s heart clench. He was not doing anything to help. He was just sitting there with his hand on Mike’s trembling shoulder.

“It hurt so much…It won’t stop.” Mike whispered suddenly.

“It will.” He tried to sound sure.

“No, no, no…When?”

“Soon.”

“You’re lying.” Mike whispered and turned his face more away from him. Harvey wouldn’t have it though.

“I have never lied to you. I’m not about to start now. You can do this.”

“I don’t want to do this!” Mike whined, he twisted around and tried to find a better position on his back, causing Harvey to remove his hand. Mike looked up at him with red rimmed eyes. Ha brought an uncoordinated hand up against Harvey, who without hesitating too much grabbed it in his own. He soon was holding Mikes hand up, because the kid had no strength to do it himself. 

“Har…Harvey!” Mike suddenly groaned and ripped his hand away and brought it to cover his mouth. 

“Shit! Hold on!” Harvey scrambled away in search of something, anything that the kid could use. A trash can had to do. He helped Mike as he leaned over the edge of the bed. He was pretty sure that if he let go of Mike’s shoulder the kid would slide down to the floor. 

Mike was coughing and gasping when he was done. He was shaking so much that Harvey had to hold him with both hands, as he helped him to lay down again. 

“Oh kid.” Harvey whispered and patted him on the head a few times. It seemed like the kid wasn’t aware of it. He was just lying there, panting and staring unseeingly in front of him. Like he didn’t have the strength to do anything else. Harvey pulled the cover up over him, Mike didn’t react and Harvey was starting to get very worried. 

“Mike? Hey, kid? What’s going on? Talk to me Mike. Please.” He said quietly, his hand grasping his phone hard. If Mike didn’t react he was calling. 

“It just hurts.” Mike sighed. He looked at Harvey, who nodded. “I’ll be right back.” He said. He had gotten an idea. He knew that he had a hot water bottle somewhere. In the third place he looked he found what he was looking for. He quickly prepared it, wrapped it in a kitchen towel and went back to the kid. He removed the covers and placed the bottle on Mike’s heaving chest. Mike’s eyes flew open at the contact. For a minute he just lay there staring at nothing, but then he shifted and one arm went to hug it closer to his chest and the other he threw over his face. 

“What?” Harvey asked. ”Are you crying? I thought it would help.” He said desperately. It was really time for the hospital now. He had almost dialed the three numbers when Mike spoke. 

“I does..Oh..” He said. ”I helps. I’m just…I’m just so relieved.”

“Oh shit. You scared the crap out of me. I thought you were dying or something.” Harvey breathed out. “Damn it Mike!” 

Mike just laughed a little. “Thanks Harvey.” He said and moaned some more. 

“Yeah, you are welcome.”

“Why didn’t you think about this sooner? It’s great.” Mike mumbled and pressed it closer. 

”Yeah, I don’t know.” 

Harvey felt exhausted. He was so incredible grateful that the kid seemed a little better. His heart was still beating hard in his chest as he sat there and watched Mike.   
It took an hour or so, and one reheating of the water bottle for Mike to start to feel slightly better. He stopped crying pretty fast to Harvey’s relief. Apparently Mike had been so relieved that something was actually working against the pain so he had started crying. That was how much pain he had been in. Harvey suspected that he still was hurting, but didn’t want to say how much. Harvey just let him be. He had brought some work over and sat at the desk in the room, so that Mike could see him still. 

They talked some, Harvey asked Mike for case details that Mike rambled to him from memory. They went to eat later too, Mike moving around stiffly. They watched a movie and Harvey suggested that Mike would go to bed, which he did. Harvey found himself in his doorway saying good night. What was happening? But why should he resist to do things like that? Mike seemed to like it, because he smiled up at him from the bed.

“I’ll try not to throw up again tonight. Though I know how much you like to do laundry.”

“Funny… I will cover you up with a towel next time. Go to sleep.”

”Good night Harvey.”

“Good night Mike.” With that Harvey left for his own bed. He was so tired. He could sleep for days now. Not that he would. Luckily it was Sunday tomorrow so they had another day to rest. 

At first Harvey didn’t know what it was that had woken him. He looked confused at the nightstand where his alarm clock was. It wasn’t the alarm since it was barely morning yet. And it was Sunday, he didn’t set an alarm. He slowly sat up in bed and listened to see what it was that had woken him. Was it Mike? And yes there it was, he heard something that sounded like sobbing. Was he in pain again? Had something else happened? He quickly got out of bed and went over to where Mike was sleeping. Except he wasn’t sleeping. He was sitting up in bed with the cover pooled over his legs. He was clutching it tightly in his hands as if he desperately needed to hold on to something. His breaths came out as violent sobs that shock his whole body. Shit! What was it now? 

Tears was streaming down his face and his whole attention was directed against the windows in the office, but Harvey couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary when he glanced over. At first he froze a bit on the spot as soon as he saw Mike. He wasn’t really sure on what to do. But then he walked up to the kid, turned on a light and slowly sat down next to him.

“Hey Mike.” He said. But Mike didn’t show any sign of even having noticed that he was there. He put a hand on his shoulder to get his attention, but Mike violently shrugged his arm away and moved away from him on the bed. It shocked Harvey to some extent. 

“Hey kid, what’s going on here? Are you in pain? It’s just me, Harvey.” He said when Mike didn’t seem to notice him.

Mike looked at him now, with wide wet eyes. 

“Harvey?” he asked. “It was someone there!” He pointed towards the windows. 

“Outside? Mike, that’s impossible. You know how many floors up we are?” 

“No, I saw them.” He whispered, and pulled at the cover that Harvey were sitting on. Harvey sighed and got up and walked over to the window and looked out with exaggerated moves. He was aware of that Mike was following his every move. He had stopped crying, but still looked terrified. His eyes were flickering between Harvey and the windows. Harvey went back to the bed. 

“There is no one there Mike, you were dreaming.” He said. Mike nodded, but kept his gaze at the windows until Harvey lightly tapped his cheek. 

“It was a dream.” He repeated. 

“Sorry…I’m sorry Harvey. I really thought someone was there. I just…” he stopped talking and drew a few deep breaths and tears slowly started running down his cheeks again. He swiped them away, but new ones kept coming, so he just hid his face in his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey it’s okay. You were confused. It’s fine.” Harvey sat on the side of the bed and felt awkward as Mike was silently crying in his hands. He hesitated but then patted Mike’s shoulder, afraid that he would pull away again. But he didn’t. 

“You should go back to sleep.” He said after a few minutes. He helped Mike to lay down again and put the covers over him. Mike turned on his side and kept his eyes turned away from Harvey’s. He didn’t say anything. His eyes were a bit puffy from crying, and every once and a while a shiver ran through him. 

“You are not in pain are you?” Harvey asked. Mike shook his head.

“Eh... Do you...Do you want me to stay?” He asked after they both had been quiet for a minute or two. Mike glanced up at him but as soon as Harvey meet his eyes he looked away. And Harvey understood that he was embarrassed. 

“If you want to.” He said. “You don’t have to.” But when Harvey stood up he made a sound that was a cross between a cough and a sob. Harvey walked over to a chair and pulled it closer to Mike and sat down as he gave him a nod. And when he did he could see the gratitude in Mike’s eyes. Harvey could sleep tomorrow.

“I wasn’t going to leave.” He said to reassure him. “You think you can sleep now?” He continued. 

“Yeah, I think so. Thank you Harvey.” Mike silently said.

“Any time, Mike.”

– SUITS –

He had been dreaming. When he woke up he couldn’t remember anything other than the dark shadows outside the windows that had been trying to get in. He had been absolutely terrified, his heart was pounding hard in his chest which scared him even more. He had been crying already when he woke up and now he had been so scared and wasn’t able to stop. He didn’t even care. He stared at the windows expecting to see the shadows again. He was so confused! But then Harvey had been there and he had felt a bit better. Harvey would fix everything. 

He had told him that it was only a dream. At first he wasn’t sure, but Harvey sat down next to him and spoke calmly to him. It helped and after a few moments he realized that Harvey was right and it had only been a dream. He felt a bit embarrassed, but Harvey acted like everything was fine and normal. He also asked if Mike wanted him to stay. Of course he wanted Harvey to stay, and he did! 

He did stay and Mike felt as he wanted to cry from relief. Everything was so confusing, but when he opened his eyes and saw Harvey sitting there next to him in one of the arm chairs he felt that he could relax. Nothing bad was going to happen if Harvey was there. And Harvey had told him that he wasn’t going to leave anymore.

– SUITS –


	19. Chapter 19

Mike was not having an easy time. He thought so himself. Not that he voiced it in any way. He couldn’t. When he woke up he just laid there. He didn’t feel like getting up at all, and he was pretty sure that it was Sunday today, so he didn’t really have to get up anyway. 

He remembered everything about yesterday and this night. He just felt super embarrassed right now. The worst part was that Harvey had walked in on one of his nightmares. Sure, right then and there he had been so thankful that Harvey had come, because he had been scared out of his mind. He remembered the fear and the uncertainty of waking up and not knowing what was real and not. Harvey had been real, and he had showed him what else that was, and he had really helped. That didn’t mean that he felt good about it now, no it was the opposite. So embarrassing. He had been crying and telling Harvey that someone was outside the window. Harvey had even gone and looked out the window for him last night. It was just like his dad did when he was four and was afraid of monsters under the bed. Nothing is there Mike, no monsters, he had said. Just as he had believed his dad then, he believed Harvey yesterday.

He didn’t want to leave this room at all today if it meant having to confront Harvey. He would most certainly bring it up as well. He couldn’t stop himself from groaning and throwing a pillow over his face. Maybe he could just stay in here? But who was he kidding? No way would Harvey let him. He would come in and check on him for sure. At least it was worth a try. 

Harvey came knocking two hours later.

“There is no way you are still sleeping.” He said after stepping in to the room. 

“I was trying to.” Harvey ignored him.

“You want breakfast or not? If you don’t get up now I will put it away.” 

“Fine…” Mike groaned and sat up. Harvey paused in the doorway and watched him. “You good?” He asked. Mike nodded and smiled a little. He felt himself blushing, but Harvey didn’t say anything about it. 

In fact they didn’t talk about it at all, and if Harvey wouldn’t bring it up, Mike sure as hell wouldn’t either. He was just glad to avoid any awkward moments he could. The day passed pretty fast. Harvey was working, Mike helped him a bit, until he got tired and snuck away for a nap when Harvey wasn’t paying attention. 

Come Monday morning Mike went to the hospital. He didn’t have treatment, but was scheduled for a consultation and some tests. The test went without problem. He felt kind of used to it by now, and knew what to do. Not that he had to do much, just what they told him. Hold his arm out, move to his side, lay still, take deep breaths, nothing new. 

“Do you have anything you would like us to talk about Mike?” Dr Lundin asked him when they were seated in his office having discussed treatment for about forty minutes.

Mike shrugged his shoulders. He had a few things he wanted to discuss. On the way over there he had gone through it in his mind, but now when he was sitting there on the uncomfortable chair, he didn’t know how to start. 

“How is your appetite?” He was asked. 

”I don’t know. I eat.”

”That’s good. Appetite might easily get effected by the treatment you are receiving.”

Mike just nodded. The doctor shifted on his seat, and got closer to him. 

“You know you can ask me anything Mike.” He said. Mike looked up at him, and nodded. 

”Well…” He started. ”I have been having trouble sleeping.” He confessed. 

”Okay, do you have trouble falling asleep, or do you wake up during the night?”

”Both.” Mike took a deep breath. Here it comes. ”The thing is that I don’t really like to sleep at all. I get kind of worked up when it’s time to sleep, and I start thinking about all of these things and I just can’t calm down.” He paused. He didn’t really want to confess more, but he did. “I get so upset that I…Mostly I start to…eh…cry.” There he had said it. 

“I see. Look, Mike it’s nothing to be ashamed about. It happens to a lot of people. Anxiety is perfectly normal for someone in your position.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to do it. Or have it. It’s exhausting. I freak out every night.” 

”Do you feel scared?” 

”What?” Mike felt himself blushing even more. Dr Lundin just looked at him with a serious expression. “Yes.” He admitted. 

“But at the same time I know that there is nothing to be afraid of, but I still…” he paused, suddenly he felt like crying right then and there. He had to bit his lip. “I don’t know why.” he finished, not looking up. 

”Do you feel like that on other occasions as well, Mike?” 

He nodded. 

“I understand. It can’t be easy for you.”

Mike didn’t want to talk anymore. “What do I do?” He whispered pathetically. 

”We will look into it, Mike. Probably there is some side effects, but also your situation matters of course.”

Mike nodded again. They talked a bit more about the drugs he was receiving and went through possibly side effects for each of them. Mike had already done it himself, but he was able to get more information now from the doctor. In his mind he narrowed it down to which medications that was likely to cause him feeling bad. He also told him about the nightmares, and the despair he felt sometimes without any explanation. It felt a bit better to actually talk about it, even if he hadn’t intended to do so at first. The other man wasn’t judging him, or laughing, so it felt okay to do it. They decided to have another appointment in a few days to talk more about the whole thing. 

Mike was pretty tired when he got to the office. He stopped and talked to Donna for a long time, and told her about the hospital visit. Not about his anxiety though. He couldn’t believe he had that. He had never thought of himself as even capable of getting something like that. But he had known for some time now that his emotional state wasn’t what it used to be. Donna was so nice to him, even gave him a hug before he went into Harvey’s office. Maybe he looked like he needed one. 

“It went okay?” Harvey asked. 

”Yeah, it was alright. I have another appointment on Thursday.” Mike answered. 

“You look like crap.” Harvey said to him, but he was smiling.

“So do you.” Mike told him and dropped down on the couch with a few briefs. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was working on an important case. He knew that it would take up a lot of his time in the near future, and to be honest it kind of worried him. The case would force him to work long hours and to be focused. Something that he really wasn’t at the moment. A lot of his focus went to a certain person that was now sitting on his couch in his too big of a suit. The kid had lost weight in the last couple of weeks, and the suit he was wearing today didn’t look good on him at all. It kind of bothered Harvey. Not that it was Mike’s fault of course. It was probably like that with all of his suits now, and it didn’t feel right to bring it up with Mike. Maybe he should surprise him some day and take him to Renee, his tailor. 

“What?” Mike was looking at him now, and Harvey realized that he had been staring at the kid for some time now. 

“Nothing. Get back to work.”

“I was working. You were the one staring at me.” 

“It’s your tie. It’s so ugly I can’t stop myself.”

“Haha very funny.” Mike rolled his eyes and went back to his papers. 

The two of them went out for lunch together. Harvey claimed it was because he wanted to avoid Louis, since Jessica had stopped by earlier and told him that Louis would be joining his case. 

“He is going to want to come and talk.” Harvey said as he pushed Mike towards the elevator. 

“So you are running away?”

“You are welcome to stay and talk to him in my place.” Harvey offered. 

“No thanks. I rather go and eat with you.” He said sincerely, putting an end to Harvey’s joke he had on the tip of his tongue about Mike replacing Donna. 

“Good.” He said instead.

Mike barely ate anything at lunch. He just sat and picked at his food, moved it around on the plate. At first Harvey decided not to say anything, but it did annoy him that Mike wasn’t eating when he had taken him out for lunch. It wasn’t something they did often, and it was Harvey’s treat. The least thing Mike could do was to actually eat the food he had ordered. He couldn’t stop himself. 

“Is it something wrong with that?” 

“What? No. It’s good.” Mike said.

“How do you know? You are not eating it!”

“Yes I am.” Mike argued back, of course he did. “I just…” he paused. “I’m not really hungry.” He finished lamely. 

“Well, eat anyway.” Harvey told him.

“Easy for you to say.”

“Yes it is actually. We are not leaving until you finish that.” 

“What? You can’t do that.”

“Watch me!” 

Mike was not interested in doing so however. He put his fork down harder than necessary and stood up and left.

“Mike!” Harvey called after him, causing the other people in the restaurant to look over towards him. Harvey quietly swore and went after the kid. He caught up with Mike by the door and grabbed his arm to stop him. 

“Let me go Harvey!” Mike pulled his arm out of Harvey’s grip and opened the door. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Harvey told him as he started walking next to Mike. 

“Nothing. Leaving.”

“You are acting like a child.”

“Unlike to you then, who’s acting like a damn mum. I’m surprised you didn’t start to count to three.” 

“Yeah, I bet you have a lot of experience from countdowns! You as a kid must have been insufferable if you act like this now.” 

“No, I wasn’t!” Harvey stopped himself from his comeback at the tone of Mike’s voice. Shit! He had taken it too far. 

“I wasn’t.” Mike repeated and Harvey had to swallow his need of getting the last word. It had gotten too far for Mike and he sounded genuinely upset. 

“Okay.” He said and decided to drop the whole thing. If Mike didn’t want to eat that was his problem. Yeah, he could tell himself that all he wanted. Mike was sick, he needed to eat. 

They didn’t talk any more during the way back to the office. Harvey glanced at Mike when the kid wasn’t aware of it, and Mike looked tired and absent. Like he was lost in thought. Which he probably was, so Harvey let him be. 

Mike wanted to go and work in his cubicle when they got back, and Harvey didn’t object. Donna questioned him about what happened. She of course knew that something was up. He just told her that Mike didn’t really eat, and she said she would take care of it. Harvey didn’t really found out if she did or not. 

Mike didn’t talk much at all, and during dinner that night he ate everything he had on his plate, Harvey wasn’t sure if he did it just to prove a point or not. In any case he wouldn’t really meet Harvey’s eyes, and only answered direct questions. 

Hopefully the next day would be better. They were taking things one day at the time after all. However, Harvey had a feeling that things were about to get worse. It was just a feeling he had. He felt like something had to change. There was a kind of tension between him and Mike that he didn’t want, and he was pretty sure neither did Mike. He would try and do something about it tomorrow. Try to talk to the kid probably.

– SUITS –

Mike was exhausted when he woke up the next morning. As usual he hadn’t slept well at all. Last night he couldn’t stop thinking about the comment Harvey had made about him being insufferable as a kid. He knew that Harvey had only been joking but he couldn’t get it out of his mind. It had him think about his parents, what it would have been like if they were still alive. He thought about that often, but last night it kind of broke him. He felt so bad when he lay there pressed against the pillows, looking for some kind of comfort. The thoughts just spun out of his control. He thought about everything he had lost, and he thought about the things he most likely wouldn’t be able to do. Because he was fucking dying! He just hated everything about the cancer, how it made him feel. He was so scared all the time, and it was so hard to control his emotions. They were all over the place all the time, though he thought he did a pretty nice job with keeping them under control. It was just hard. At night, alone in his room was the only time he let them flow out as they wanted. He was just so tired of feeling so bad every night. He really had to do something about it soon. 

During the day he noticed that Harvey was acting kind of weird. He was really nice to him in the morning and at first Mike thought that maybe Harvey had heard him break down last night. But he couldn’t understand why Harvey hadn’t come in to him then. If he knew that Mike was upset, why the hell wouldn’t he come and ask what was wrong. How hard was that? Mike couldn’t stop himself for feeling angry at Harvey. The other man kept on preaching about how he was at his side in all of this, but when he had needed him he didn’t show up. 

He didn’t want to be angry at Harvey, because after all Harvey was the only one who was helping him at all, except for Donna. But didn’t he see that Mike was hurting? Why didn’t he do anything, or say anything? He just asked him if he had slept well, and Mike didn’t answer. Was he serious? 

Harvey offered Mike to come with him on a meeting with a pretty important client. The new one, on the case that Harvey just had started. 

“You trust me to not screw up then?” He had asked, and Harvey looked surprised. 

“Yeah. Or what are you talking about? Do you not feel good?” 

“Whatever. I’m not going.”

“Why not?” Harvey looked mad. “What’s wrong with you? Before you would have been thrilled about me taking you.” 

“Exactly, Harvey. Before. Now, I don’t want to come.”

Harvey puffed and shook his head at him. “I don’t get you.” He said. “Fine. Stay here then. Do as Donna says.” And then he left without another glance at Mike. He regretted his attitude at once. He almost wanted to run after Harvey and apologize. Why was he acting like a dick? Donna stopped him though. 

“Are you in pain Mike?” She worriedly asked.

“No, I’m fine Donna.”

“You can tell me if you aren’t, you know. I won’t tell Harvey if that is what you are concerned about.”

“No, I’m not in pain right now.” He tried to reassure her. She looked like she didn’t believe a word he was saying. He did what she said after that. 

It was a bit awkward the moment when Harvey came back from his meeting two hours later. Mike was still in his office when Harvey walked in. Mike’s plan had been to sneak away to his cubicle before his boss came back, but he didn’t expect Harvey so soon. 

“You good?” Harvey asked him, Mike who was expecting a yelling just nodded. 

“How was the meeting?” he asked, and Harvey told him all about it. 

Then worked in silence for a while after that. After lunch Mike had to leave for the hospital. They called him and told him that they had an opening for a test they had wanted to take and asked if he could come for a while. He didn’t really feel like going there though. He wanted to ask Harvey to come with him, and he sat for a few minutes debating on how to fraise the question. But before he could, Harvey told him that he had a meeting and asked if Mike wanted to catch a ride with him and Ray. He agreed, and Harvey said to call or text him when he was done and they could also pick him up after. It was the best he could get apparently. 

Mike didn’t say a word to Harvey in the car. He didn’t feel good. He felt upset and sad. It would have been so nice to have company at the hospital for once. He always went there alone. He noticed that Harvey threw him glances from the other side of the car, but he pretended not to see it, and Harvey didn’t say anything. At least Harvey wished him good luck when he stepped out of the car. 

He was having an MRI, which wasn’t something he enjoyed. This time however he managed to actually fall asleep inside the machine after just a few minutes. They woke him when he was done and helped him to get dressed in his normal clothes again. 

Mike called Harvey from the hospital lobby. He didn’t pick up. He waited for five signals before it turned to voice mail. 

“Hi Harvey. I’m finished now. Eh…call me.” 

He hang up. How long would he have to wait here now? Why didn’t he pick up? What if Harvey had forgotten about him? 

People were walking past him where he sat. There was a family with two kids on a couch next to him, a couple in two chairs across from him. No one seemed to be there alone, except him. He wanted to get out of there. He held his phone in his hand and looked at it, wishing that it would ring. It didn’t, and he felt like crying. Tears actually rose in his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them fall. Not in this room full of people. He guessed he could catch a cab back to the office, but Harvey had told him that they would pick him up. He wanted to go with Harvey. 

“Are you on your way?” his text read.

He texted Harvey after fifteen minutes of waiting. He didn’t get a reply. 

“Harvey??” He texted.

He texted again after another fifteen minutes. He had to be careful when he blinked now, he didn’t want the tears to flood over. Someone would probably come up to him and ask him what was wrong if he started crying in the middle of the room. 

Harvey didn’t call him back or anything, but then suddenly he was just standing there next to him.

“You ready to go?” He asked, causing Mike to jerk in the chair. 

“Where were you?” He asked and stood up, blinking hard. Harvey studied him closely and looked concerned. 

“You got some bad news?” He said, ignoring Mike’s question.

“No! Let’s just go.” He brushed passed Harvey and headed for the door. 

“The meeting dragged out.” Harvey explained. 

“You couldn’t have called!?” Mike turned to face him. “I thought you had forgotten!” he was almost screaming. The tears were gone now and replaced with anger. 

“I didn’t forget Mike. It just took a bit longer than I thought that’s all. Are you okay?” They stared at each other for a moment until Mike broke eye contact and went over to the waiting car. 

They worked for the rest of the day and nothing special happened. They left pretty early on Harvey’s suggestion. 

Later that night Mike was in bed desperately trying to fall asleep. He felt so messed up. He didn’t know why he felt like this. It was so confusing to not know. Somehow he just wished that he had a reason. He tried to rationalize with himself that he did have a reason. He was deadly sick after all. But there was nothing special that had happened today. It had been a pretty okay day after all, except for the hospital visit. He had gone to lunch with Donna to some new opened Vegie restaurant. He had tried to convince her that he needed meat in his diet, but she had talked for five minutes about the benefits of tofu, until he just agreed with her to get her to stop. 

But now he felt like crap. Harvey and Mike had been watching a movie, one of the Iron man movies, and Harvey kept arguing that he was like Iron man. I have all that he has he said, nice condo, nice suits. It had been nice a nice evening. Now Mike felt like crying his eyes out. He was lying on his nice bed in the dark, and he felt himself starting to shake. His breathing started to hitch as well. He needed to calm down. Nothing was wrong.

But that thought was wrong! Everything was wrong! Noting was right. He just wanted to scream right then. Just scream until he felt better, until something changed, until this damn whole in his chest could be filled with something else other than fear, anxiety and despair.   
He didn’t scream. He laid as still as he could and tried to hold it in. Trying to force his body to stop shaking. Tears pooled down his cheeks and he didn’t care. Something had to change. He didn’t want to feel like this. He didn’t want to! He started to cry in earnest then. He buried his face in the pillows to muffle the sound. He didn’t want Harvey to hear. 

What if Harvey did hear him? Would he come? Would he help? He hadn’t yesterday. Mike wanted him to come so badly. But he didn’t think Harvey would. Harvey couldn’t give him what he wanted. He was longing for something he could never have. Mike was longing for comfort. Just some sort. He wanted help. Help from someone else. Anyone really. He didn’t feel like he could fight through this by himself. Not anymore. But he was too afraid to ask the people around him for what he really wanted, needed. He was afraid to ask Harvey. He felt like he couldn’t. And what if Harvey didn’t want to? Mike didn’t think that Harvey would say it straight out, but he was afraid that he would show it somehow in the way he acted. Mike didn’t want to force Harvey to do something that he didn’t wanted to do.   
He was going to change something tomorrow. He refused to go through this tomorrow night as well. His doctor had told him that it probably was side effects all of this, his messed up emotional change. What if he just for one day didn’t take the damn pills? He knew of course which ones he really needed, but he figured that one night without a few of them wouldn’t be a big deal. He really thought it was worth a try. What if he actually could fall asleep in a reasonable way instead of crying himself to exhaustion and falling asleep of that? He would try tomorrow. Just to see what happened, and then he could tell his doctor about it on Thursday and maybe he could help him to change something. It was a plan. Not a great one, but it was something. At the moment anything was good enough for him, he couldn’t feel like this anymore. He was going to crack. He had no idea what would happen then, but he didn’t want to find out either. 

– SUITS –


	20. Chapter 20

Harvey’s plan of getting some kind of change between him and Mike hadn’t really worked. At work during the day he had really tried. He had tried to include Mike in the case, he had been nice to him and everything but the kid turned him down. 

He didn’t know what was going on with Mike anymore. He had discussed the whole thing with Donna, and her advice had been to just talk to Mike. Like it was an easy thing to do. He would try of course. 

Harvey had felt really bad when he had come to the hospital and found Mike hunched down staring at the floor. He hadn’t reacted when he called out for him until he had been right next to him. Mike had looked crushed and had screamed at him that he thought Harvey had forgotten about him. He would never do that though, but Mike seemed to think that he would. 

Mike had been avoiding his question about how he was doing, that probably was a sign that things were not right with the kid. 

Later at night hadn’t been a good time for the talk according to Harvey. He thought Mike deserved a good night after Harvey supposedly had forgotten him at the hospital. They had watched a movie and were joking around, and things had seemed okay. 

He was standing outside Mike’s room now, knocking on his door. He didn’t hear any signs of the kid waking, so he let himself inside. Mike was on his back, snoring lightly. He really looked exhausted so Harvey felt bad about having to wake him up, but they really should get going. 

“Mike. Wake up.” 

The kid groaned and turned on his side. 

“Come on! Get up Mike.” 

“No…it’s too early.”

“It’s late actually.”

Mike sat up reluctantly and looked tiredly at him. “What time is it?” He asked. 

“It’s 8:30 already. We should go.”

Mike rubbed his face, and massaged his scalp for a second.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, I just didn’t sleep much.”

“We went to bed early, you should have gotten at least eight hours.”

“I couldn’t sleep!”

“Fine… okay. I can see that. Stop being cranky and get dressed.” Harvey left him alone to do so. Mike came out ten minutes later. He refused to eat anything, just had a glass of milk with his meds and then wanted to leave. 

“You really should eat breakfast.” Harvey scolded him when they was in the car. 

“You were the one who wanted to leave.”

“You would have time for breakfast.”

“I’ll have something later.”

Donna was already at her desk when they arrived. “Look who decided to show up today.” He greeted them.

“Mike didn’t sleep well, and haven’t had breakfast yet.” Harvey told her, making Mike moaning his name. 

“I’m on it!” Donna said and disappeared. 

“Thanks for telling on me.” Mike grumbled as they settled in Harvey’s office. Harvey just smirked at him and started to work. 

Donna came back a few minutes later with a sandwich and a fruit shake for Mike, she asked him about his meds and sleeping. She got out of Mike that he only had about four hours of sleep. No wonder the kid felt tired. However Mike assured Donna that he was fine. She shared a look with Harvey that told them that neither of them believed him. 

They worked for a few hours after that. Harvey had a lot to deal with. The meeting yesterday hadn’t really gone as he had expected and a few unanticipated problems had come from it. He had given a few files to Mike and he was silently working on them. 

Suddenly Mike asked if they should take a break. Harvey thought he was kidding, and just glanced at him, before turning his attention back to his computer. His focus was broken only a few minutes later by the sounds that were erupting from Mike where he was on the couch. The kid was crying! He was sitting there, face pressed into his hands, sobbing in the middle of his office. What was wrong?

He quickly made his way over to the kid, and tried to catch Donna’s eyes at the same time. She was on the phone though. He sat down next to Mike asking what was wrong and trying to get a look at Mike’s face. Mike wouldn’t let him, just pressed his hands closer to his face. Harvey settled for patting his back.

“It’s okay Mike. It’s okay. Can you tell me what’s wrong?” 

The kid was just sobbing and taking hitching breaths. Harvey waved at Donna, and she looked up. She almost dropped the phone, and stood up immediately, stopped herself, said something in and hung up before she made her way into the office. She took Mike’s other side. 

“Mike, honey, what’s wrong?” 

“You got to talk to us kid. Are you in pain?” Harvey asked. To their relief Mike shook his head. 

“What is wrong then, sweetie?” Donna asked and stroke his arm. Mike didn’t answer, and Harvey looked desperately at Donna. What was going on?

“You must be tired. Aren’t you?” She asked, and Mike nodded now. 

“Oh, it’s okay. Shhh…” Donna brought her arms around the kid and dragged him closer to her. “Come here.” He let her. 

“Harvey, get him some tissues and some water.” Donna ordered and Harvey scrambled up, hurriedly doing what she told him. He brought them over, but neither Donna nor Mike did any attempt of taking them from him, so after standing there a moment he felt stupid and put them down on the table. He didn’t know what to do after that. So he just silently sat down next to Mike again and listened to Donna as she shushed Mike and spoke quietly to him. His crying had slowed down, and it seemed like he was about to stop. Donna handed him a tissue and he wiped his face shakily. He handed it to Donna, who just handed it to Harvey. He stopped himself last minute from making a sound of disgust. 

A moment later Mike had collected himself enough to drink the water Donna handed him and sit up a little straighter, his face red. He wouldn’t look at them. 

“Sorry.” He said. “I don’t know what happened.” It was the first thing he said since he started. 

“Oh, you are just tired sweetie. It’s okay.”

“Yeah, I am tired.” Mike agreed. He was still avoiding eye contact with them. 

“Maybe you should take a nap.” Harvey suggested, looking questioningly at Donna, she just rolled her eyes at him.

“You should, Mike.” She agreed. 

“Okay.” Mike said, he looked at the files on the table. “Sorry Harvey.” They looked eyes.

“No, don’t worry about it. You go ahead.” Harvey stood up to make room for Mike to lay down which he did. He closed his eyes. 

“We are right here if you need us.” Donna said as she also stood. 

“Thank you.” Mike said quietly.

Harvey shared a look with Donna before quietly returning to his desk. Mike looked like he was sleeping already. It took a while before Harvey could concentrate on work again. 

– SUITS –

Mike laid there and thought about what just happened. Harvey had been deeply engrossed in whatever he was doing on his computer. He wouldn’t look up at Mike at all. He wanted him to do so. He wanted Harvey to notice that he wasn’t feeling well. Why wouldn’t he do that? Maybe he should go and talk to Donna for a bit. He glanced over towards her and saw that she was on the phone. No one really had time for him, to notice, and he just wanted them to. He felt sad and upset. The words in the files in front of him seemed to taunt him. He didn’t think he could turn another page more. He was so sick of it. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking that the whole case was a waste of time. It wouldn’t make any big different to anyone no matter what the outcome was. There were other things that mattered a lot more than money. For example how lonely he was feeling right at that moment. 

“Harvey? Do you want to go for a break?” He asked stupidly. They never took breaks together. Harvey just raised an eyebrow towards him and then looked down at his screen again. Donna was still on the phone, and Mike felt like he was on the verge of losing it. He turned back to his files in an attempt to quell the rising anxiety. It worked for about ten minutes, but then he just couldn’t take it anymore. He felt tears rising to his eyes. He couldn’t cry in the middle of the day in Harvey’s office! He couldn’t. But he was going to. He tried in vain to bite his lip hard in an attempt to stop it. That didn’t work either. He glanced at Harvey, he didn’t care. He was still engrossed in his stupid laptop. Suddenly Mike was just too tired to care, it was just too hard to hold it back any longer.

He put his head in his hands and released it. Everything. He tried to keep quiet, but when he had to draw a breath in, the exhale after came out as a sob. He pressed his hands harder over his face to stop the sounds but it was too late. 

“Mike? Hey what’s going on? Are you in pain?” he could hear Harvey raising from his chair and hurry over to him. He sat down on the couch next to him and tried to pull Mike’s hands away from his face. 

The next thing he knew Donna was there as well. He tried to stop, he must be freaking them out. They were asking him all sorts of things, but he didn’t trust his voice so he just shook his head or nodded at their questions. 

He was so embarrassed, he was making a fool of himself. He didn’t even have a reason for crying. He felt like a little kid that had gone to long without a nap, when Harvey suggested that he would take one. But he figured if he did go to sleep he wouldn’t have to face the embarrassment. So far he was faking it, but after a while he realized that he was falling asleep for real. He let himself do it. Maybe he would feel better when he woke up. 

He didn’t sleep long, because Harvey woke him by making some sort of noise. At first he was confused and didn’t know what was going on, before he remembered. He looked over at Harvey, who was fumbling with his phone. 

“Did I wake you?” he asked. Mike shook his head, and Harvey sighed a bit indicating to Mike that he didn’t believe him at all. Mike shakily sat up and rubbed his face. He felt a bit dizzy and shaky, and he was still dead tired. 

“You didn’t sleep that long. Do you feel better?” Harvey got up from his chair and walked over to him. He just shrugged his shoulder, not really in the mood of telling Harvey how he felt. He didn’t look up at the other man. 

A pregnant silence spread through the room. Neither of them said anything in a minute. 

“You want to continue working, or..?” Harvey asked him. 

“Actually I think I want to head home.” 

Harvey glanced at his watch. “It’s not even lunch time yet.” He said hesitantly. “But sure, if you want to. I guess I can work from home.” 

“You don’t have to come with me. I can take care of myself you know.” Mike said angrily.

“Really?” Harvey smirked, making Mike more annoyed with him. He stood up. 

“I’m leaving.” He said.

“Alright, just let me call Ray.” Harvey went for the phone.

“No, it’s fine. I want to leave now. I can take a cab.”

“Or you wait for 10 minutes and Ray can drive you.” 

“Fine.” Mike agreed and plopped down on the couch again. He could wait ten minutes. 

When he got home he knew that he probably should try and sleep some, but he didn’t feel like it. He made himself lunch and then watched some TV. Harvey had told him that he would be home early. It was like Harvey wanted to watch his every move all of a sudden. Mike probably freaked him out by crying like a baby in the middle of his office. Everything just sucked! Suddenly he wanted Harvey to come home again. The condo was so empty. 

He went to take out his meds, and inspected them. He had decided to go ahead and skip a few of them tonight to try and see what happened. He was just too tired to go through another night like the previous one. He refused to do that. He just couldn’t. 

– SUITS –

“I honestly don’t get him Donna! One minute he is all do you want to take a break with me? And the next he is yelling at me because he wants to go home by himself. What should I do?”

“Well, he was obviously tired today, it must effect his mood.”

“Yeah, but what should I do? Nothing I do seems to be the right thing. I think he would break down if I yelled at him.”

“Whay would you yell at him?” Donna looked at him in chock from where she was seated in front of him in his office. 

“I’m not going to yell at him.”

“You better not. That won’t help.” 

”Yeah, I know, but how should I handle him then?”

“Harvey, for god sakes. You don’t need to handle him, just be a decent human being and try to imagine how he must feel.”

“And how is that?” 

“He is dealing with being deadly ill, he has just moved in with his boss in what might be forever and he is dealing with the illness and its effects as well. What do you think?”

“Yeah, it’s a lot.”

“Don’t make it worse.”

“I’m not going to make it worse Donna.”

She raised her eyebrows questioningly. 

“Alright,” He said, “tell me how to not make it worse.”

“Don’t say anything about today for starters. He didn’t want to do what he did, he just couldn’t help himself. Be nice to him. And try to treat him normally, of course not like before the cancer, but as normal as possible.” 

“Oh, just that.” 

“You will be fine.”

It was Harvey’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “Sometimes he just drives me crazy. It’s like he’s testing me.” 

“Maybe he is.” 

“Why would he?” 

“To see what you will do, to see if you really are there for him in the way he needs you to.” 

“Right. I don’t know if you have helped me or not. I feel more confused now the I did before.”

“Oh you will be fine, you baby. It’s still Mike, not some alien that has invaded your house.”

“Are you sure?” 

“I am always right.” She left him alone after that. 

He guessed that she was right. Mike was dealing with a lot of stuff, maybe it was just getting too much for him to handle, and that was what the crying earlier had been about.

“Harvey? I need you.” 

He looked up at Louis who had barged into his office without knocking. 

“What do you want Louis? I don’t have time.”

“What do you mean you don’t have time? Make time. We need to come up with a strategy for the case.”

“Yeah, that will have to wait. I haven’t read up on all the details yet.”

“So? Have Mike do it.”

“No, I he is not available.”

“What do you mean? Where is he? He wasn’t at his cubicle, or the file room, library and he isn’t here.”

“Did you go look for him?” 

“What? No. I just happened to pass those places on my way here.”

“Oh you did. Anyway, Mike isn’t here. He left for the day.”

“You let him leave before lunch?”

“He had things to take care of.” 

“What happened to you? You are going way too soft on him.”

“Did you have something of actual importance to talk about or did you only come here to discuss my employee. Are you obsessed with him or something?”

“What? No. Well, since you are not in the loop there is no point at discussing anything.” With that Louis just turned and left, leaving Harvey annoyed. 

It was true however that he wasn’t in the loop. Normally he would have let Mike do this kind of work, but that wasn’t going to work. He glanced at the files that was discarded on the coffee table by Mike. It was going to be a long day. But he had told Mike that he would be home early. Apparently he had to bring work home with him today, something he didn’t do often. 

– SUITS –

Harvey got home pretty early as he had said. Mike was almost ready with dinner by then. He had become hungry earlier and decided that he was going to cook something for them. Often they ordered something, or Harvey would make something. Harvey had restocked his fridge recently, so there was much to choose form. He went with chicken and pasta. Maybe with some cheese as well. 

They ate mostly in silence, Harvey kept throwing him weird looks. After dinner Mike went over to the couch as Harvey stayed by the kitchen table with some files. Everything was good and Mike was watching a pretty entertaining TV-show. 

“Have you taken the meds?” Harvey suddenly asked him from the kitchen area. Mike pretended not to have heard him. It didn’t work. “Mike!” 

“What? Yes I have!”

“Then why are there still three pills left here?” Harvey questioned. 

“I don’t really need to take those.” 

“Bullshit. You need all of them.”

“No, it’s fine Harvey. Nothing will happen if I skip those three for one night.”

“You don’t know that. They are there for a god damn reason, so you are going to take them.” 

“No.” He wasn’t going to. 

“No?” 

“No.” He hoped that Harvey would just let it go, because he had decided. He wasn’t going to take them.

“You are taking it. There is no question about it Mike.” 

“No, I’m not. Not today, I just want to try something Harvey…”

“You are not trying anything like that. It’s just stupid to skip taking pills that are there to help you.”

“I’m not stupid! And I have read up on it, it won’t matter if I skip those for just one night.”

“Oh, so you have read up on it. Then I guess it’s okay. Tell me what Mike, when did you become a fake doctor as well?” 

“Oh shut up! It’s one night. It’s none of your business. Leave it alone.” Mike turned back to the TV, he was done with the conversation. 

“Well, you know what kid. I’m making it my business. Whatever reason you have for doing this, it’s just stupid, and you are going to take all of your meds.” 

He glanced over at Harvey that was coming towards him with the pills in one hand. He scrambled up from the couch, and went to meet the other man. He didn’t really feel like telling Harvey the real reason for not wanting to take the pills. He had already humiliated himself once today that was enough. 

But Harvey obviously wouldn’t leave it alone. Mike had no idea what he was thinking of doing, coming towards him like that pills in hand. Was he going to shove them down his throat by force? 

He suddenly felt angry. Harvey didn’t even ask his reason, he just expected Mike to do what he was told without protest. Well, that wasn’t going to happen! 

“Mike come here. You are taking them.” 

“No, I said no. What about that are you not getting?” He stepped closer to Harvey to make his point. 

“Bullshit. Here!” Harvey held out his hand with the pills. Things happened quickly after that. In anger Mike pushed at Harvey’s hand making the pills fly to the floor. 

“What the hell!” Harvey yelled. “Pick them the hell up!” He went to grab Mike by the arm, but Mike backed away.

“No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Get away from me!” Mike tried his best to push Harvey away, but the other man easily sidestepped him. It was making Mike even angrier. He wasn’t going to take them, or pick them the hell up!

“You don’t get to decide for me! You don’t!” He knew he was overreacting, but he wanted to be mad. He wanted to yell at Harvey. He wanted to hit, he wanted to hit someone, and Harvey was the only one there. He was just so angry. All he could think about was how much he didn’t want to take those pills. He actually did threw a punch in Harvey’s direction, but his fist didn’t reach it’s intended target.

“What the hell are you doing Mike?” Harvey shouted to him, and caught his hand in his in a hard grip. Mike tried to rip it away, but Harvey’s grip just tightened.   
Mike stupidly brought up his other hand to pry Harvey’s hand of his arm, but found that he couldn’t. In frustration he again aimed to hit again, but all Harvey did was pull him a bit so that he lost his footing and ha to stumble to the side not to fall. He felt so angry over the fact that he apparently was no match for Harvey at all.

“Let me go, Harvey you’re hurting me! Let go!” he yelled in anger. It was true though not just a way of getting Harvey to let go, Harvey’s grip did hurt. “Ow!” he yelled again when Harvey didn’t let go right away. Harvey almost flinched then and let go of him so suddenly that he wasn’t prepared for it at all. He stumbled backwards, but was abruptly stopped by the coffee table. The sharp edges of it dug into his calves and he couldn’t get his balance under control and ended up on the floor. For a second he just sat there staring up at Harvey, who had an expression of shock on his face. But then Mike broke eye contact and scrambled up of the floor. 

“I hate you.” He mumbled and left the room. He slammed the door to his room shut as hard as he could. He sat down on the bed and immediately hot tears appeared in his eyes. Damn it! What just happened? What did he do? What did he say to Harvey? 

– SUITS –

Things really had spun out of control! Harvey had no idea what just happened? What the hell was going on with the kid? 

Harvey was standing there on the middle of his living room floor staring after Mike. He heard him slam the door, and felt a bit of anger flare up again. Was he trying to break the place now? He wouldn’t have that. He was almost on his way to go and tell the kid off, when he stopped himself. That probably wouldn’t be wise. He better calm down first, and also let Mike do the same. Apparently Mike hated him now. 

What the hell did all of that come from? Mike had actually raised his hand against him, he had never done that before. He had never thought of Mike as a violent person. He doubted that it would have hurt even if Mike had managed to hit him. It was almost laughable on how easy it had been to hold the kid back. 

However there little fight just now didn’t end well. Mike could have hurt himself badly, falling backwards like that. He had been shocked when Mike fell down on the floor. Also when the kid had yelled at him, that he was hurting him. He had been hurting Mike. It kind of was his fault that the kid fell. But it seemed like Mike was fine, because he got up quickly and slammed the damn door hard enough to convince Harvey that he wasn’t in any serious pain. 

The kid really was messed up today. Suddenly Harvey felt pissed. He was really trying here, tiptoeing around Mike to accommodate him, to not upset him. He had told Mike to come to him if he had any issues. It was clear that Mike did, why the hell wouldn’t he take the pills otherwise? And why was he acting like that at the office? Something was clearly bothering him, but Mike hadn’t come to him. Harvey had told him that things had changed, that he was on his side, but the kid refused to open up. So be it then. Damn it! He would just let Mike be like that. If he wanted to scream and yell and refuse to take his damn pills like a child, then he would let him. At least for now. Screw Mike. 

He opened the files again. 

– SUITS –

Mike was laying on the bed with his head pressed into the pillows. What had he done? He had really shocked himself with his actions. He had tried to punch Harvey! He couldn’t believe he did that. He had done it now. He had really screwed up. Harvey must truly hate him now. Why would he do that? He should have just taken the pills, it would have been much better. He wouldn’t possibly had been feeling worse than he did now, if he had taken them. 

He didn’t cry yet. He felt like he was really close though. He hated it. And he hated himself. Why would he do that? Why would he do that to Harvey, the only person who was helping him? After all, Harvey had just wanted him to take the pills. It was him who was being stupid, like Harvey said, for not taking them when he was supposed to. But Harvey hadn’t even let him explain. If he only had gotten to explain. He should just do it. He might as well tell Harvey about everything, about the nightmares, about the dark thoughts he was having, maybe even about crying himself to sleep every damn night. 

He needed to make things right again between them. He needed to go back and apologize, he would take the pills if it made Harvey forgive him. He would do anything. 

He got up and carefully opened the door. He stood for a moment and listen if he could hear any sounds from Harvey’s direction. He didn’t. He stepped out into the living room. 

Harvey was sitting with his back against him, he cleared his throat a bit and waited. It would be good if Harvey took the first step so he didn’t have to. He knew that Harvey knew he was there, but he ignored him. 

”Look, I didn’t mean for all of that to happen Harvey...” He started, Harvey still didn’t acknowledge him in any way. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” he said. He felt tears gather in his eyes, and he just wanted to turn right back around and leave, or Harvey would think that he was so pathetic when he saw him. Why was everything so hard? Harvey still had his back turned against him. He decided to try again, he needed to make things okay again. He wouldn’t be able to sleep at all otherwise. 

“I’m sorry Harvey.” He said again. Harvey still ignored him. He felt himself starting to breathe faster, feeling more desperate. Why couldn’t he at least turn around? 

“Harvey? Please…” 

Harvey did turn then. He looked up at Mike with hard eyes, and Mike instinctively took a few steps back. 

“What?” Harvey asked. “Are you done yelling at me now?”

Mike just nodded. He didn’t know what to say now. He just felt so bad. He was scared and tired and just wanted to cry. He wanted Harvey to forgive him and tell him that everything was okay, that he wasn’t mad. Because he didn’t think he could take it if Harvey was mad at him now. He looked mad. 

“What do you want Mike?” 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, looking away. He bit his lower lip hard. 

“Yeah you said that.” 

”But I am, I am sorry. For…what I did.”

“Okay.” Harvey turned around and turned his back against him again. Mike understood that he thought that the conversation now was over. 

“Okay.” He said quietly. ”I’m going to bed then.” He paused, seeing if Harvey would say something else. He didn’t. “See you tomorrow Harvey. Good night.”  
Harvey didn’t reply or acknowledge him in any way. 

He knew as soon as he put his head on his pillow again that he was going to start crying. He couldn’t stop it now, he knew that too so he didn’t even try. He tried to do it quietly though, down into the pillow. He didn’t want Harvey to hear him. 

He regretted it so badly that he had yelled at Harvey before. Why did he do that? He was sure of it now, Harvey hated him. He wouldn’t even look at him. He would want Mike to get out of his house. Why would he want Mike there anyway, when he was screaming at him for no good reason? Harvey had just been trying to help him after all. 

Oh, how much he wished he hadn’t done that. Why was he screwing things up all the time? What if Harvey would want to get rid of him now? Or what if he wouldn’t want to be around him anymore at all? Would he get up and move to a different room when Mike sat down next to him on the couch? Or what about work? What if he didn’t want to work with him at all? What would happen then? Donna would maybe still be nice to him, but he if he wouldn’t be allowed close to Harvey he couldn’t go talk to her either. That meant that he would be totally alone. 

He wished he had some tissues within reach. His nose was getting stuffed. He wondered briefly for how long he had been crying now. His thoughts returned to Harvey again. He had a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Harvey wouldn’t want to drive him there anymore. 

The thoughts almost couldn’t fit in his head. 

– SUITS –

Harvey wasn’t making any progress. He had been reading the same line at least five times now. He couldn’t get Mike out of his head, that damn kid. He wanted to be angry at Mike. He had been up until he had heard the kid saying good night to him just now. Mike had sounded so sad. The anger had slipped away then. Mike had tried to apologize to him, but he hadn’t accepted it. He had been acting like a jerk. It must have been hard for Mike to come to him like that, and what had he done? He had just dismissed the kid without any attempt what so ever to mend the situation between them. 

The more he thought about the more ashamed he felt. What was he doing? He was pushing Mike away, when he clearly needed him. It all started with the damn pills and Mike’s refusal to take them. He hadn’t asked him why he wouldn’t take them. He should have done that. He should have heard Mike out. 

Well, it wasn’t too late. 

– SUITS –

There was a knocking on his door. Oh no! Harvey couldn’t come in now. He was a mess. What was he going to do? What was Harvey going to do? Was he going to yell at him? Hit him? No, he would never do that. Was he here to throw him out? No, no, no, please no. It was all he could think at the moment. He sat up on the bed and pulled the cover with him, without thinking about it he dragged it as a protecting layer around himself. 

“Mike? Can I come in?” Harvey asked from the other side of the door. No, Mike didn’t want him to. He wasn’t ready yet. But he couldn’t defy Harvey. He couldn’t. 

“Yeah…” He whispered, but then realized that Harvey probably couldn’t hear him, so he said it again. 

He watched intently as Harvey stepped into the room. Mike couldn’t help but shirk back when Harvey sat down on the edge of the bed. Harvey saw it, because he looked sad then and moved a tiny bit further from Mike.

“Mike…” He said. He didn’t look mad. But he just couldn’t be sure. 

“What…what are you going to do?”

“What do you mean? What am I going to do? Kid?” Harvey moved a bit closer again, and Mike moved further away. He just didn’t know. 

“What…why are you here?” 

“I came because I thought we should talk about what just happened tonight. Don’t you think we should?” 

“Only talk?”

“What do you think I’m going to do? Yes, Mike. Only talk.” He sounded angry now, and Mike bit his lip and shrunk back even more. Deep down he knew he was acting silly, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

“Mike, I won’t hurt you. Jesus! We are just going to talk okay?”

Mike nodded and waited. Harvey hesitated before he started. 

“I get that you are not doing so good, and you haven’t been good in a while now. Am I right?” Harvey said. Mike nodded. 

“But Mike, this isn’t working.” Harvey said, and Mike’s heart stopped. He felt himself freezing and he couldn’t breathe. His eyes watered as well. 

“Harvey…” He whispered. This couldn’t be it. “Please don’t…”

“What? Mike, hey. Calm down.” Harvey looked shocked at his reactions. “What’s wrong? What is it?” 

“I’ll do better. I promise. I will never yell at you again. I swear.” 

“Mike, I don’t care. You can yell all you want. I think you are misunderstanding me here.” 

Mike was just breathing heavily, he was shaking just if he was cold, but he wasn’t. He was just so damn scared right now.

“What do you think is going on here? Why are you so upset?” 

When he didn’t answer, Harvey yelled his name, making him flinch and he let out a sob.

“Sorry.” He said pulling the cover closer to him. 

Harvey shook his head. “No, no, no Mike. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Don’t cry. Come on, just talk to me.”

“You said it’s not working out anymore. I…I have to move?”

Harvey’s tense position suddenly changed and he relaxed and let out a puff. He started to shake his head. “No, oh god Mike. I’m sorry.” He said again. “I wasn’t talking about that. Oh god. Did you think…? I didn’t mean it like that Mike. Shit.” Harvey breathed. He rubbed his face with one hand as Mike looked at him. He was holding his breath. What did Harvey mean? Harvey looked at him. He looked sad. 

“Mike. You are not going anywhere.” He said forcefully then. 

“I’m not?” Mike whispered. He needed to be sure.

“No.” Harvey said quietly. “Look, I won’t throw you out. No matter what you do. Don’t worry about that.” 

“Really?” 

“Well, if you pee on my couch I might consider it.” Mike smiled a bit and wiped his eyes. 

“Okay.” He sobered up. “So you are not mad? Because I’m really sorry…”

“No.” Harvey stopped him. “Not mad.”

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” Harvey repeated. “So let’s talk about the reason for all of this tonight, okay?” 

“Yeah...” They really should be doing that. Mike knew that, and he guessed he was ready.

“Why don’t you want to take the pills Mike? You know you need them. You are kind of scaring me here, refusing to take them.” 

He was scaring Harvey? 

“It wasn’t like that Harvey. I was just going to try not to take them, for just one night. I took the necessary ones. I was just going to try and skip a few of them…”

“Good, so you are not giving up then or something like that.”

“What? No!”

“Fine, so why are you doing that?”

“To see what happens.”

“And what do you think is going to happen?” Harvey said calmly.

“That I might feel better.” Mike said. Harvey rolled his eyes. 

“That’s why you take them!” He exclaimed. 

“No, not like that! I mean…I mean…when…I” Mike had to stop. How should he even begin to tell Harvey how he was feeling? He didn’t think he could get Harvey to understand. Harvey just sat there and waited so he tried again. 

“At night, and sometimes during the day, I feel really bad, like emotionally. Like today at the office. But mostly it is when I’m about to sleep. I…I can’t.” He had to stop again. His eyes were watering, and he didn’t want them to. He managed to force it back. 

“I kind of freak out. It feels like I have this big whole in my chest, and… and I feel really alone, and scared and sad. And I don’t know what to do about it. And I keep having these thoughts that won’t go away, and it’s just gets worse and worse, Harvey.” He had to stop again, to force down the emotions that threatened to bubble up. He took a few deep breaths. 

“Anyway, I can’t sleep and when I do after like hours, I have nightmares and I wake up, and it just starts over. I just feel so messed up. And I was just thinking that maybe it’s side effects and I if I just tired not take the pills for one night then I would know.” He stopped and looked up at Harvey. He couldn’t read his expression.   
When Harvey didn’t say anything he looked down on his knees and waited. He had said enough. Harvey let out a sigh. 

“Shit Mike.” He said quietly. “I had no idea. I didn’t know it was that bad. That you were struggling so much.” He paused. “Why didn’t you come to me, kid?” He said kindly. They locked eyes. 

Mike didn’t know what to say, so he just shrugged his shoulders. 

“You could have come to me. That’s pretty bad Mike. You feel alone?”

“Yeah, it’s nothing against you. You are great Harvey.” Mike tried to assure him, but Harvey shook his head. 

“Clearly I’m not. I haven’t even noticed.” 

“I tried to hide it.” 

“Yeah, you did a good job kid.”

“Until today.” 

Harvey laughed a bit and agreed. “But that’s good. I’m glad I know Mike. Now we can do something about it. But you know, I don’t think skipping pills is the best way.” 

“I didn’t know what else to do. Yesterday was really bad and I just couldn’t do it again tonight.” 

Harvey nodded. “Okay.” He said. They got quiet for a while. 

“So you think it’s side effects?” Mike’s turn to nod. 

“You have an appointment tomorrow right?” Another nod. 

“I think I’m coming with you then Mike. If that’s okay with you.”

“Really? Yes, Harvey. That’s okay.” 

“Good.” Harvey moved so that he was sitting next to Mike, leaning against the wall. 

“Rough day.” He said, and Mike couldn’t agree more. They just sat there for some time. Both in their own thoughts. Mike felt kind of relieved that Harvey knew now. He had been pretty cool about it as well. He hadn’t asked any uncomfortable questions, just accepted it. 

“Can I see your wrist?” Harvey suddenly asked. Mike had no idea why, so he just held it out. Harvey took it in his hand and pushed his sleeve up. Mike was watching his face intently and Harvey suddenly paled. Mike followed his gaze and looked at his wrist. He hadn’t noticed before, but there was some bruises on it now, from Harvey’s grip on him earlier. They were in a shape of a hand. Mike went to remove his hand from Harvey’s and Harvey immediately let go, as if burned. He was still silently staring at it. 

“It’s okay.” Mike said quietly. 

“The hell it is.” Harvey said, stood up and left Mike alone. 

Mike just sat there and stared at the doorway. Now what? He didn’t know what he did wrong now? He thought that everything had been okay. That they were good. But now Harvey just left without a word. He just felt so confused about Harvey’s actions. Why did he leave? 

He stared at his wrist and at the bruises. Harvey had hurt him. It hadn’t been on purpose, but still. 

– SUITS –

He just had to get out of there. He just had to, he couldn’t sit there next to Mike looking like that. Now if ever he had looked like a kicked puppy. 

Mike had been sitting curled up in a ball in the corner of the bed with the cover wrapped around him. He looked terrible, his face red and his eyes swollen, indicating that he had been crying. Harvey’s heart broke a little as Mike tried to get further away from him when he sat down on the bed. It seemed like Mike thought that he would hurt him in some way. He had no idea how the kid could even think that for a second. Mike was scared of him. It was a terrible feeling and right then and there he decided to do everything in his power to make it all better. He would do whatever it took, whatever Mike wanted. 

Then Mike had told him. He had told him about the reason for not wanting to take his meds, and it made Harvey’s heart break a bit more. The kid felt scared and alone. Under his roof. How could he have missed that? How on earth could he have missed that Mike felt totally miserable every night? It sucked. This whole situation sucked. And what had he done? Harvey had made it so much worse tonight. He had been yelling at Mike, instead of talking to him as Donna had told him, and then when Mike came and apologized a behavior that actually, now when he thought about it, had been in his right, what had he done then? He had yelled some more and ignored him. 

He had left bruises on Mike. He had grabbed him so hard he had left bruises. He had practically abused the kid. A kid that was practically depressed on top of being deadly sick, a kid that he was supposed to look after. He had promised Mike that things would be okay when he moved in here, and they hadn’t been he now realized. Mike was so far from okay that he could be. And what else did he do? Mike had just told him he felt alone, and the first thing he did was leave. He went right back.  
Harvey felt even guiltier when he saw Mike. The kid was sitting in the exact same position as he left him in. the only change was that big tears were now streaming down his face. Mike did nothing to hide them now, even when he saw that Harvey was back. 

“Hey.” He said. Mike just looked at him for a long time. His mouth was moving as if he was about to say something, and Harvey waited. 

“What…” Mike eventually whispered. “What did I do?” 

Harvey sadly pressed his lips together before climbing on to the bed, sitting down close to Mike. He dragged his knees up, just like him. 

“Nothing.” He said.

“But you left.” Mike whispered, staring straight ahead. 

“I know.”

“Why?”

“Well, I hurt you. And I guess I just didn’t know how to deal with that.” Harvey said honestly. 

Mike let out a little laugh. “I don’t know how to deal with anything anymore.” He said. 

“I’m sorry Mike. I’m sorry for hurting you and for not noticing how you were doing.”

“It’s okay Harvey.” He paused. “I did freak out on you a little.”

“A little?”

“Okay, a lot. Heh. I tried to hit you.” 

“Yeah, you suck at punching.” 

“I was tired, you were lucky.”

Harvey laughed a bit. “Sure, keep telling yourself that. I should take you boxing. Teach you how to properly throw a punch.” 

“Yeah, that would be cool.” Mike said.

“I’ll have Donna set it up when you are better.” 

Mike didn’t answer, he was staring down at his lap. 

“Things will be better now Mike. We will work something out. But kid, you need to come to me about stuff. I don’t care what it is, you come to me.”

“Okay Harvey.” 

“Tomorrow we will talk to your doctor about how you are feeling, and we will see what we can do.”

He looked closer at the kid. “You look dead tired. How about some sleep huh?”

Mike suddenly looked so sad again. He didn’t move. 

“Mike?” 

“I don’t want to.” He said. 

“Yeah… You know what? I still have some stuff I need to work on for tomorrow. I was thinking about doing them at my desk here.”

“Yeah?” 

“I’m just going to go and get them, you get ready for bed.” 

Ten minutes later Harvey was seated at his desk and Mike was under the covers in bed behind him. He found that it was easy to concentrate now. 

“I don’t hate you Harvey.” Mike suddenly whispered. Harvey was quiet a moment before he answered.

“I know Mike.” 

– SUITS –


	21. Chapter 21

He actually slept the whole night, except for waking up once from a nightmare, but managed to fall asleep pretty quickly after that. Mike didn’t know if it was because he had been so exhausted or because of the fact that he and Harvey had talked yesterday. Harvey had also been there when he fell asleep which had really helped. It had been really nice that he had been there. Yesterday was one of the toughest days he had in a long time. He had kind of broken down a number of times, but it had been bound to happen. He really hadn’t been able to take it anymore. 

Harvey had been so nice to him, albeit a bit confusing. He hadn’t really understood why Harvey left all of a sudden for example. He had thought that it had been something he had done, but then Harvey came back just a few minutes later and explained that he hadn’t known how to handle things when he had realized that he had hurt Mike. It surprised him. Harvey always knew how to handle things. At least so he had thought, but of course that wasn’t true. Harvey much feel uncertain as well, he realized. Everything was new for him too, and Mike did act irrational and weird, and Harvey hadn’t known either. It comforted Mike. He wasn’t the only person confused in this whole mess, and it made him feel a bit more equal to Harvey in the situation they were in. Mike really had to except that certain things had changed now. He wasn’t the person he was before the cancer, and Harvey wasn’t either. 

Harvey would come with him to the hospital today. They were going to talk more about side effects. He hadn’t taken the pills yesterday, and it had helped. He remembered that now. He would beg his doctor to get rid of those pills. He had after all felt better without them. 

He should probably get out of bed. He had woken a while ago now, by Harvey knocking at his door. Harvey was probably waiting with the breakfast ready. He just felt so embarrassed that every minute avoiding going out was a good minute. But he should just do it. What was the worst thing that could happen? 

“Hey!” Harvey greeted him when he came out in the kitchen.

“Did you sleep okay?” He asked studying Mike. 

”Yeah, I did actually. Thanks.” 

”Good.” Harvey smiled. ”So you want juice or tea?” 

Ha had both and was standing by the cupboards in a move to take out either a glass or a cup. 

“Juice.” 

They ate and then left for the hospital. Harvey was on the phone with Donna the whole car ride. He gave her an update about Mike, but didn’t mention his breakdown yesterday evening, something which Mike was grateful for. 

He knew that Harvey probably thought that he was acting weird, but he just couldn’t help it. He couldn’t act like he normally would. He hardly knew how that was anymore, and it would just feel fake. He didn’t want to have it like that of course, it was just how it was at the moment. 

– SUITS –

Harvey glanced over at Mike. Donna had told him to hug the kid and that Mike would love it if he did. Harvey wasn’t so sure. It would be so awkward. Mike wouldn’t even talk to him. It was like he had gone mute or something. But he didn’t comment on it. It was Mike’s decision whether he wanted to talk or not. Harvey was just going to be there for when he did want to talk. 

Harvey followed Mike as they walked through the dwindling corridors of the hospital until they reached the office of Mike’s doctor. Mike knocked and they were let in. 

“Good morning Mike, oh and I see you brought company. That’s good. Good morning, Mr Specter was it?” They shook hands and where offered to take a seat, Harvey and Mike next to each other in front of a desk. 

“So, how have you been feeling lately Mike?” 

Mike shrugged his shoulders. “Not so great I guess.” He said quietly. The doctor didn’t seem faced by Mike’s lack of providing any more information, he just continued asking him questions. 

”How have you been sleeping?”

”Badly. Not better then what I told you last time.” He said. 

Harvey felt like he had to jump in. “Tell him about yesterday.” He earned himself a glare from Mike. The doctor waited. 

“Fine. Well, I have been sleeping even worse, and felt like crap every night, so I thought I would just try and not take a few of the pills and see if it helped. And it did! I could sleep without having those bad thoughts.” 

He also told his doctor a bit more about what had happened last night, leaving out their little fight.

The doctor nodded, and asked which pills the kid had skipped. He also asked why Mike had chosen those, and the kid rambled from memory about the different side effects they could have. At least he was talking now. Dr Lundin sat there and nodded along as Mike talked. He then shared his opinion. 

“I’m sorry to say Mike that I don’t believe your improved emotional state yesterday was caused by you not taking all of your medication. It’s not just possible I’m afraid. It’s not that fast acting so that you would notice a change being without them for just one night.”

“But I was feeling better!” Mike argued. 

“And that had to been due to other reasons, you said you had company when you fell asleep, that might have been an important factor. You felt safe.” 

Harvey looked at Mike who blushed and stared down at the table, looking a bit pissed. After a while he spoke again. 

“I still think I should stop taking them.”

“I don’t agree Mike, you are taking them for a reason, which I know that you know too. We will have to take another approach, so that you will feel better.” 

He paused for a second, looking at Harvey as well, before continuing. 

“Alright Mike, I’m going to ask you a series of questions and I want you to answer them truthfully.” The doctor glanced at Harvey, and Harvey understood that he was probably worried that Mike wouldn’t since he was there. 

“He will.” He said, and gave the other man a nod. Mike looked between them but they nodded too. “Fine.”

“You have been having trouble sleeping, we know that. Would you say that you have a good apatite or not?”

“I eat.” 

“Mike.” Harvey said. Mike rolled his eyes.

“No, I don’t have an appetite. I’m not really that hungry anymore. Nothing really taste good.” 

“I understand, you have lost some weight as well, which is not unusual in your situation. Do you know how much you lost?” 

Mike shook his head. Dr Lundin looked in the papers in front of him. ”You have lost about 20 pounds Mike.” 

“Okay.”

“I also want to ask you a bit about your behavior. Do you feel like it has changed?” 

“Yeah, I guess.” Mike hesitated. ”I don’t really feel like myself anymore.” 

“Do you have mood swings?”

“Yes, he does.” Harvey helped. Mike told him to shut up. “See?” Harvey said and smirked. 

”So, do you feel really angry or sad all of a sudden?” Mike nodded. 

“And how about guilt and self-worth Mike?” 

“What?”

“Do you feel guilty?” 

Mike squirmed on his chair, before he nodded again. He was biting his lip and not meeting their eyes. Harvey kind of wanted to stop these questions. 

“Do you feel hopeless?”

“Yes, of course I do.” Mike suddenly raised his voice. “You have told me that I will fucking die within a year, so of course I feel hopeless! I’m just supposed to walk around here waiting for it, feeling like crap while I do it. How would you feel?”

“Not so good of course.” The doctor calmly answered. “How about your interests Mike, do you still enjoy doing them?” 

“What interests? I don’t have time for that. All I do is work. Well, did. I can’t really concentrate on it anymore.”

”Do you enjoy your work.”

“Yes!” 

“Now as well.” 

“I have other things to think about then making money for others.” Mike wasn’t looking at Harvey. Well, the kid was right. 

”So you don’t enjoy it anymore.”

”No, not really I guess. Mostly I just feel too tired. That’s why. If I wasn’t so tired I would work more. I would…” He was glancing at Harvey now, as if he remembered that Harvey was his boss after all. 

”It’s fine.” Harvey had to tell him. 

”Have you had any thoughts about suicide, Mike?” Was the next question, and Harvey felt himself stiffen a bit in his seat. He had had the same question on his mind. He never thought Mike would have it, but it still bubbled up in his brain last night when Mike didn’t want to take his pills.

“No! I haven’t. I don’t to die!” Mike voice was close to breaking, and the doctor held up his hands in a calming manner. 

“I was just a question Mike, I know that you don’t want to die. Of course not. I’m sorry I had to ask.” He said, and Mike seemed to accept it. 

“Mike. From what I have heard from you today, and from previous information I’m going to diagnose you with a major depression. You fit most of the criteria for it, and unfortunately it in not uncommon for cancer patients to fall into a depression. I’m going to adjust your medication and prescribe you some antidepressants.” 

“Yeah...okay.” Mike said weakly. 

“I also would advise you to start therapy. It might help you a lot.” 

“Yeah, I will think about it.” Mike was all said. Harvey just sat there listening. Mike was depressed. He didn’t argue, so it seemed like Mike wasn’t that surprised. Harvey was. At least at first, but the more he thought about it, it made sense. Poor kid. Harvey felt even more symphaty for him at Mike’s next question. 

“So I will feel better?”

“That’s the aim Mike.”

Mike and Harvey sat quiet as they were told more about depression. Mike sometimes would ask something or confess that a criteria suited him. After a while the doctor was finished and asked if they had any other questions. Mike sat quiet, staring down the table again. 

”Well, actually I have some questions.” Harvey said. He glanced back at Mike. He had leaned back in the chair with his eyes closed. “What is the cause of the depression? Is it side effects from his treatment?”

“It is most likely one of the factors, the other is that Mike is in a very hard situation. Anyone could depressed from getting a diagnose like Mike’s.” 

Harvey nodded. “Of course.” 

”And what can I do?” He asked, causing Mike to look up. What was the kid thinking? That he wouldn’t help? 

“Keep doing what you are doing, showing Mike your support. He needs a lot of it now. He needs to know that it is okay to feel the way he does. Because it is Mike.” He added. “He needs to feel safe and comforted, and understood. He needs to know that he isn’t alone in all of this.”

Mike made an embarrassed sound, but Harvey just ignored him, and nodded. “Of course.” He repeated. 

“It is difficult to handle all of the emotions that you might be feeling Mike, but you need to know that it is okay to have them.” 

“Yeah, alright. I get it. It’s not that bad though. I can handle it. I have been doing it so far.”

“Unfortunately you will be getting sicker Mike, before you can start to get better.”

“Yeah, you keep saying that. Thank you.” 

“Mike…”

“Thank you. Are we done here?” Mike interrupted. He clearly thought so. 

”Well, if you don’t have anything else you would like to bring up.” 

“No.” 

Harvey had a lot of stuff he wanted to ask, but Mike would probably storm out, so it could wait. 

They left after that, Dr Lundin promising to adjust the medication by the next day.

As soon as the door closed to the office Mike swore and leaned against the wall as he hide his face in his hands. “Shit. I knew it.” He said. Harvey decided to just wait him out. The kid groaned. Before standing straight again. 

”Okay. That was awkward.” 

”It was okay.” Harvey told him. ”You want to go and grab something to eat?” 

“Yeah, okay. But I probably won’t eat anything just so you know. I’m not supposed to have an appetite.”

“Are you supposed to make jokes then?” 

“Oh, shut up. Let’s just go.”

They decided to have lunch at the hospital before they left, since it was the closest, even though Mike grumbled about having to spend more time there then he absolutely had too. They joked around a bit, both in need of letting up the mood a bit.

– SUITS –

When they sat down to eat Mike was subdued and sat there staring down into his food. He didn’t know what Harvey was thinking about all of this, about everything they just learned about his illness and the consequences of it. His depression. He was depressed. He had thought he was before this appointment, but now he had it on paper. Yay. 

“So…” Harvey started forcing him to look at the other man. “You are depressed.” He stated. 

Mike couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Apparently.” He said. 

“There is nothing wrong with that Mike. Lot’s of people get depressed.” 

“Oh, spare me that talk Harvey. You don’t have to.”

“I know that. But I want you to know that I’m okay with it.”

“Oh, so you had the option of not being okay with it then.”

“That was not why I said it.”

Mike paused. What was he doing? This wasn’t Harvey’s fault. He shouldn’t take it out on the older man, that clearly was out of his comfort zone.

“I know.” He said. ”I’m sorry.” 

”Don’t be.”

They were quiet for a while. 

“So, now what?” Mike wanted to know. ”What do I do now?” 

“We, will deal with it. Maybe you should look into some therapy Mike. It might be good.”

“I don’t want to sit there and pour my emotions out to some stranger, what good will that do?”

“Well, you might get help. Many times it works Mike.”

“Yeah, because you have so much experience of it then? Would you do it?”

“I would be open to it, if I felt like crap, yes.” 

“Oh…okay. I just… I don’t know. Do I have too?” 

”It’s your decision Mike, but I think you should seriously consider it. You have a lot to carry around after all.” 

”Yeah, I guess I will consider it then.” He really would. 

“Good.”

Mike looked at Harvey for a moment. He was eating his food looking thoughtful, but nothing else. He didn’t make fun of him or something. He just acted like this what they were talking about was important, and it felt good. Maybe things would get better after all from now on. 

“Mike?” 

“Yeah…”

“Are you okay? I’ve been saying your name twice now.”

“Yeah I’m fine. It’s just a lot to take in right now.”

“Tell me about it! I wanted to tell you something.”

“What?” 

“I want you to know that you can come to me. I have said it many times now, but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like you get it yet. I want you to come to me. And I want you to do it before it gets out of hand, like yesterday. Just talk to me and we can avoid that sort of things. I don’t want to risk makig you feel worse by me not having all the facts, do you understand.”

“Yeah, I do Harvey.”

“Then answer this, why haven’t you told me about this whole you not sleeping thing, or you feeling like hell?” 

Mike rolled his eyes, but Harvey seemed to get annoyed by it.

“I just…I don’t know.” He said lamely. 

“Yes you do.” 

And he did. Of course he did.

“It’s embarrassing Harvey! Don’t you get that? It’s embarrassing and humiliating to talk about me wanting to fucking cry because I feel alone, even though you are in the next room. That’s why I haven’t told you. I feel like a damn kid or something. I should be able to handle it.” He was getting upset again. 

“But that’s just it! Isn’t? You don’t have to! That’s what I keep telling you.” Harvey sounded angry now. “Don’t be embarrassed. It’s not your fault. I get it if you are feeling depressed. I get it Mike. It’s not like I will hold it against you in some why.”

“I know.”

“And do you think I will turn you down?”

“No…”

“Exactly. If you come to me, kid, I will help you. That’s what I do. Get it through your head.”

“Okay.”

Harvey angrily stabbed his food. 

“And eat up.” He added, but lightly now. Mike sighed a bit, and picked up his fork. He wasn’t really hungry. Harvey didn’t say anything else. He looked over at Mike now and then though, he was probably waiting for Mike to say something now.

“I will talk to you.” He said quietly. Harvey didn’t answer. “I have just been...You know… It’s hard.”

Harvey gave him a look that said continue, so he did. “I just feel so different, and I know that you think of me in the way that I was before all this, but I don’t feel like that person anymore. And I don’t want to be this person that I am now, and it feels like if I admit it I can’t go back.” 

“There is nothing wrong with the person you are now Mike. You are still you.” 

“Am I though?” 

“Yes you are. You are just going through a tough time.”

Mike nodded. Maybe Harvey was right? It would be great if he was right. He just needed to know one thing, even if he thought he knew the answer. 

“So you won’t think any less of me?” 

“No Mike. I won’t. I thought you knew that by now.” 

“Yeah, I guess. I just wanted to know for sure you know.”

“Okay. Now you know.”

“Yeah, I guess I do. Thank you Harvey. It means a lot.” 

“You are welcome Mike.” Harvey sighed. “I just want you to be as okay as you can be.” 

“Thanks.” 

Silence spread again. Should he continue? He might as well. 

“I freak out sometimes. I can’t explain why, I don’t think I know why. And especially at night. I don’t know what to do with myself then, and I just…” He paused. “I just want to cry or scream until something changes, and Harvey, I was just thinking that maybe I could come to you then?” He felt his eyes starting to tear up, but he kept Harvey’s gaze. He saw how the other man’s expression changed. He looked so sad all of a sudden. 

“That’s exactly when you should come Mike.”

“But even if it’s in the middle of the night?” 

“Yes.” 

Mike wiped his face and nodded. “Good. Heh… I really can’t control it.” Tears kept coming. This time it was from relief. 

“It’s alright.” 

“But it is just so embarrassing when I cry all the damn time.” 

”You know what?! I don’t care Mike. Hell, you can cry all you want. I don’t care.” Harvey told him forcefully.

“Yeah… okay.” He added after a while. “It’s still embarrassing though. Don’t get pissed if I don’t come to you for everything. I have to get used to it.”

”Sure. Just know that you don’t have to feel embarrassed Mike.” He nodded.

“This whole conversation is embarrassing.” 

Harvey chuckled. “Tell me about it…” 

Mike felt lighter when they walked out of the hospital and went to the office. He almost felt like his old self for a little while, and he had thought that Mike was gone. Harvey really did have his back after all. He felt really lucky. He really did admire Harvey, and right now he didn’t know what he would do without the other man. 

– SUITS –

Mike seemed to be happier after their little talk, reassured too hopefully. Harvey was glad if he could make Mike’s day a little bit better. The kid deserved it, he deserved a break. It couldn’t have been fun to hear that he was depressed. He still couldn’t really believe it, that Mike on top of everything now was diagnosed with a depression. A major depression, whatever that meant.

He really hoped that Mike would come to him if he had any problems from now on. He would do his best to help him then if he did. 

They had a lot to deal with now. Harvey hadn’t really known how bad it was with Mike, the kid was sick sure, and had been acting strange lately but the thought that Mike was depressed hadn’t crossed his mind. It made sense though. However he vowed to not treat Mike any differently if it wasn’t needed. The kid would probably appreciate it. 

He had hesitated a bit if he should bring Mike to work or not, but it didn’t feel right to leave Mike alone at the apartment either. However Mike had said that he didn’t enjoyed work anymore. Eventually he decided to just ignore that for now. Mike didn’t seem to mind when they got to the office, in fact he didn’t mention it at all.   
Mike said that he felt alright to work, and wasn’t really that tired. He even wanted to work at his cubicle and Harvey didn’t stop him. He was actually kind of relieved to have a moment to himself. He sat down heavily in his chair and closed his eyes for a minute. He heard his door opened and close, and looked up at Donna, who took a seat in front of him. 

“Are you okay?” she asked him.

“Yeah, Donna.” He sighed. 

”Is Mike okay?” Was her next question and Harvey leaned back in his chair. 

“Well…He is right now.”

“But?”

”Apparently he is depressed.”

”He is?” 

”I went with him to the hospital today, and his doctor diagnosed him with a major depression.” 

“Oh my god.” Donna gasped. ”Oh, poor kid. I didn’t know it was that bad Harvey. He seems okay here. Oh, I should help out more. How come I didn’t see it? Did you know?”

“Calm down,” Harvey told her. “I didn’t know it was that bad either Donna. Well, until yesterday I guess.” 

”What happened?” 

”If you calm down I will tell you.”

“I am calm.”

“He had a little breakdown yesterday, and we fought.” 

”You fought with him? My god Harvey, how could you do that? I thought that you were going to talk to him.”

“Well, we did talk. After we fought.”

Donna just waited for him to continue now, so he did. “He was refusing to take his meds, and I got pissed. I don’t know, but I was going to force him to take them, but he would’t.” He chuckled a bit. “He even tried to hit me.” 

”That’s not funny.”

”No, you’re right. It wasn’t. He was so upset, and I hurt him.”

“You did?” 

“I grabbed his arm, and held on to it to stop him from hitting me, but then he started yelling that it hurt, so I let go and he fell.”

“Did hurt himself then, did you take him to the hospital?”

“No, he was fine. Well, he wasn’t hurt. I just…I…” He got lost in thought. He remembered the way Mike had looked up at him from the floor. He had looked so devastated. 

“Harvey? What did you do?”

“I left a bruise on his arm.” 

Donna only nodded. 

“But then he came and said he was sorry and I fucking ignored him. I think I hurt him more by doing that. When I went to his room later, he was crying.”

“Oh Mike.”

“He told me that he has been feeling really bad lately, so bad that he can’t sleep. And he is having nightmares.”

“No wonder they diagnosed him with a depression then. But he is getting help for that right?”

“Yes.”

“Harvey, you are doing really good with him. You should know that. Don’t feel bad. You got him to open up to you finally.” Donna got up. ”I’m going to go and talk to him.” 

She disappeared and Harvey got busy with work. For now he would believe that she was right. 

They had a good night that night. Donna came with them home and the three of them had dinner. Donna decided to stay until late, and somehow she ended up in Mike’s room when it was time for him to go to bed. Harvey could hear the two of them talking quietly. Apparently he wasn’t invited.

Donna came out thirty minutes later. “He is sleeping.” She announced. ”Went out like a light when I started to tell him about my aunts book club.” 

Harvey laughed. “Sounds like he took the easy way out.” He smiled at her. “Thank you Donna. He really needed tonight.” 

”So did you.” She said, and he realized that she was right. 

They ended up talking some more, mostly about Mike, before Donna headed home. 

Before Harvey went to bed he went to check on Mike. He was barely visible underneath the covers. He was hugging a pillow to his chest. Harvey hoped that he wasn’t in pain. He left the door opened.

– SUITS –


	22. Chapter 22

The next day Mike wasn’t feeling very well. He was really tired, and felt like he hadn’t been sleeping at all. He had woken up in cold sweat a few times from nightmares. He had cried himself back to sleep once. He really had considered going to Harvey, but hadn’t in the end. 

He was pretty sure that he had a fever, which kind of sucked because he was due for chemo today. It was not like he was looking forward to that, it was just that you couldn’t be sick during chemo. Well, sicker. They would probably postpone it now. He didn’t bother getting dressed just walked out in his sleep wear. 

Harvey was at the table with a paper and a cup of coffee. 

“Nice outfit.” He commented, of course. Mike just yawned. 

”What’s for breakfast?” Harvey just pointed behind him, and Mike saw a plate with toast and a glass of juice. He was still amazed that Harvey kept making him breakfast. Or all meals for that matter. He drank the juice and had one toast. He was eating it slowly because it was kind of tasteless. Harvey frowned when he saw that he left the other, but he didn’t say anything. 

Mike honestly didn’t think it was a good idea for him to go to work today. He knew he had a fever, he was pretty sure it had risen a degree since he got out of bed. Or it was colder here. His throat felt scratchy too. Damn it… He really didn’t want to be sick again. 

“Mike, come on, don’t just sit there. Go and get dressed and we will head to the office.” Harvey told him then. He hesitated a bit. Should he say something or not? Just before Harvey got up to leave for the bathroom he did.

“I don’t feel so good.” He blurted out. 

“Yeah?” Harvey stopped and studied him. ”What’s up?” he asked. 

“Nothing, it’s just a fever I think.” 

“Oh, that’s all.” Harvey went up to him and felt his forehead. Mike jumped back. 

“What are you doing?” 

“What do you think I was doing?” Harvey rolled his eyes. “So what do you want to do? You want to stay home?” 

“I think I can come to work anyway, I just thought… you know. That you should know.”

“Yeah, it’s good that you told me. Come on then.”

“If you get any worse I’m sending you home.” Harvey threatened when they were in the car later. It was clear to Mike that he fully intended on falling through on that threat.

“Yeah, fine.” He mumbled. Maybe he should have stayed home after all. He was really tired and had a headache. He leaned back in the car seat and was soon asleep. He was woken by Harvey gently shaking his shoulder, he groggily sat up straighter and saw that they were at the firm. 

“Damn it Mike, I should just take you back home.” Harvey grumbled as he held the car door open for him. Mike didn’t really know why Harvey didn’t, as they walked into the building. But he wasn’t going to complain. He didn’t really feel like lying in bed the whole day. 

However he didn’t feel better as the day progressed. In fact just an hour after they arrived he felt a lot worse. Donna was fussing over him and insisted that he should drink lots of fluids. He tried to tell her that he was fine, but his headache was just getting worse and soon it was too much effort to hide it. He was coughing as well, not making things easier. 

“Harvey,” Donna said when he recovered after a coughing fit. “You need to send him home now. He shouldn’t be here.” She spoke as he wasn’t sitting there right next to her which he found pretty annoying. 

“Yeah, I know Donna. I told him if he was getting worse that I would send him home.”

“You are worse.” He added, finally speaking to Mike directly. “I’m having Donna call Ray.” 

“Fine…I’ll go. Don’t come complaining to me later though because no one was helping you with work.” 

“I will try to contain my complaining. Now, leave.” 

Mike groaned and made to stand up. He had to try twice before he managed and he saw Harvey’s concerned look. “I’m good.” He said. 

“I’ll stop by at lunch.” Harvey said, and followed him to the door.

“You don’t have too, I’m just going to sleep.”

“Exactly. That’s why I’m bringing you lunch. You need to eat.”

Mike fell asleep in the car again. Ray had to wake him up, and kindly offered to follow him upstairs. He hovered next to Mike as he made his way out of the car. He must look like crap if Ray was that worried. Or Harvey had said something. 

In the condo he studied himself in the bathroom mirror. He did look sick. His face was flushed and he was sweating. Basically he looked like crap. He felt like crap too. The headache was worse, he was feeling really warm and a bit dizzy and shaky. Hopefully some sleep would make him feel better. He really didn’t have to energy to do something else anyway. 

He laid there for a while worrying about nightmares, but apparently he was too tired to stay awake. He woke a while later, from just a nightmare. It hadn’t been so bad, but he didn’t want to go back to sleep. He fumbled a bit with remote to the bed. It was kind of like a hospital bed, he figured just fancier looking, bigger and without the railings. He really didn’t feel good, he felt a bit out of it, and now on top of everything he could feel a dull ache starting to build in his chest. 

– SUITS –

Harvey stopped in the hallway for a second and listened to see if he needed to be quiet or not. If the TV was on, or if he heard any other signs of Mike being awake he wouldn’t have to care. He couldn’t hear anything so he carefully made his way into the condo. Mike wasn’t in the living room so he went to the office to check. The door was opened and Harvey glanced inside. Mike was lying on his back on top of the covers, with a blanket over him, sleeping. He looked a bit better than he had done in the office. 

He went to the kitchen to make some lunch. About twenty minutes later he could hear coughing from Mike’s direction. At first it was just a few of them, but then a minute later they got more forceful and lasted longer. He went over to let the kid know he was home. 

Mike was awake now, and was staring out the windows. He had risen the back of bed so that he was able to sit up more. Obviously he wasn’t aware of that Harvey was home. 

“Hey!” Harvey said, causing Mike to jerk and look up at him. 

“Oh, hi. I didn’t know you were home.”

“I came for lunch.” Harvey explained. ”How are you?” 

Mike just shrugged. “About the same. I’m pretty tired. I have been sleeping mostly.”

Harvey nodded. “Do feel up for some lunch then?” 

”No, not really. I’m fine.”

”It wasn’t really a question. Come on, it’s ready.”

He left, expecting Mike to follow him. Which he didn’t. He went back. 

“Mike. You need to eat. Come to the table.”

Mike ignored him, and Harvey was starting to feel annoyed. He had left the office just to come and feed the kid, and he didn’t even bother with acknowledging him. He was just listlessly staring out the window as if Harvey wasn’t there. 

“Are you going to eat or not, because otherwise I’m leaving again.” Mike reacted to that, and Harvey felt a bit bad. It wasn’t a decent thing to say to the kid, and he regretted it as Mike looked up at him. 

“I…I’m not hungry.” He said miserably. 

”You should eat something anyway Mike.” 

“Okay. Fine.” 

Mike seemed to be worse than he had been at the hospital. He just sat there now at the table hunched over staring down to his plate. He was yet to start eating. He was breathing heavily out of his mouth. Harvey was observing him when Mike suddenly started listing forward. “Shit!” Harvey threw himself over the table and managed to grab Mike’s shoulder to stop him from face planting into his plate.

“Mike!” he yelled, and the kid seemed to realize what was happening because he straightened up again and slumped back into the chair. 

“Oh…” he sighed, looking tiredly up at Harvey. “What happened?” he asked, sounding surprised.

“You almost passed out in your food. You feel okay Mike?” 

“No.” Mike stated and slowly shook his head. He seemed to notice the food in front of him. “I’m not hungry Harvey.” He repeated. 

”Yeah, I get that. You don’t have to be so dramatic about it.” He tried to joke, but Mike just looked emotionlessly at him. Mike was apparently not going to do anything else then just sit there. The kid must be feeling really bad now. 

“All right, let’s just get you back to bed.” He rose and went over to Mike, he wasn’t sure if Mike could even stand up by himself. Mike didn’t react now either, even when Harvey was standing next to him. 

He patted the kid’s shoulder to get his attention. “Let’s go Mike.” He said kindly. It took another moment before he reacted. He walked slowly back to the bedroom, with Harvey close behind him, ready to catch the kid should he fall. He didn’t though, and sank down on his bed immediately closing his eyes. 

Harvey went to get some things taken care of, he made some food for Mike that he put on the nightstand, as well as his meds and a bottle of water. 

He felt pretty worried. Mike was deteriorating fast. Hopefully it was just a temporary thing. For now it looked like Mike had a fever. Maybe he had a cold. 

“Mike, how are you feeling?” he asked.

“Pretty bad.”

“Yeah, I can see that? So what’s going on? Fever, something else?”

“I have a headache, and I’m really tired. My chest hurts too. A bit.” ¨

”Okay, you have painkillers here. You should take them. I also put some food here for you, for later.” 

“You’re leaving?” 

“Yeah, there is a lot going on with the case. I have Louis on my ass as well. He insist that we talk things through. I’m going to try to hold him off until tomorrow though.” 

“Hmm.. Good luck.” Mike mumbled, he still had his eyes closed. 

“Your phone is here. Call me if you are getting worse, okay? Mike!”

“Yeah…” 

“Okay, see you later.” 

Mike didn’t answer, and Harvey felt a bit bad about leaving him like that. But he really did have to go back to the office. Hopefully he would manage to get home pretty early, and hopefully Mike would be sleeping. That would be for the best. 

– SUITS –

It was hard to open his eyes. It was like there was a heavly lid ontop of them, or maybe someone had glued them together. When he finally managed to get them open it wasn’t really worth it. It was noting to see. He was at Harvey’s apartment. He was alone. Harvey wasn’t by the desk working, which was a shame. That would have been nice. Then Mike could have helped him out. He was good at that. Now though he wasn’t sure that he would be much help. Everything in his brain was moving around really slowly. Like he had jello in there or something. 

His chest was hurting, he wanted to hug it, but didn’t bother. Painkillers, he needed that. He slowly turned on his side which made him exhausted, he had to lay there for a while until he was able to reach for the pain pills Harvey had arranged on the night stand for him. He was so tired. He reach out for them, they were behind some stuff. Shit, his phone fell on the floor. He heaved himself a bit over the edge of the bed to look at it. There was no way he could reach it. He would fall out of bed for sure. He didn’t know if he could get up then. Better leave it there. 

He swallowed the painkillers dry, because he didn’t have the energy to bother reaching for the water bottle. He felt so hot too, he needed to cool down. He managed to throw the covers of him.

He felt numb. He wanted to go back to sleep. He should go back to sleep. But it felt like it was something he was forgetting, something that he should do. But he couldn’t figure out what it was. He wasn’t really sure of anything. When was Harvey going to come? Or was he here? He had been there at some point, but he wasn’t sure when. He was also pretty sure that Harvey had left earlier. It would be good if he was here, because Harvey always knew what to do. Mike didn’t. 

– SUITS –

Mike wasn’t answering his phone and Harvey was getting worried. It was so unfamiliar too him. Sure he had worried about things before, but this was so different from all of that. He felt responsible for Mike. Hell he was responsible for the kid. He had promised Mike that everything would be okay, and he really did intend to keep that promise even though it meant that he had to change who he was. Not really who he was, but who he wanted people to think he was. It still didn’t come naturally to him though, he talked about it with Donna, but so far she was the only other person except from Mike that he had changed in front of. No one else even knew about Mike living with him. Well, the hospital people knew. He had just received a call from them, asking where Mike was. He told them that Mike had a fever and wasn’t really fit for chemo today. He got some advice on how to care for Mike, and what to look out for. It amazed him on how normal it was that he was discussing the subject with them now. He never would have thought he would ask the questions concerning someone else’s health as he did now. 

He was concerned that Mike didn’t answer him when he called. He hadn’t answered any calls it seemed not from Donna either. It was nearly five in the afternoon now. He had a meeting at six, but decided to skip it. Louis could handle it on his own. 

“You want me to come with you?” Donna asked him but he told her that they were fine. He could do this. ”I know.” Was all Donna said as he left. 

The condo was quiet when he got back home. Mike was asleep, the covers in a heap next to him. The food was untouched and his phone was on the floor next to the bed. 

“Mike, wake up.” 

Mike groaned a bit and Harvey shook his shoulder. He could feel the heat radiate through the man’s sweat shirt. He was pretty sure that Mike was awake now. At least his eyes were kind of open. 

“Are you okay? You didn’t answer your phone, but I see why now.” He picked the device up from the floor.

“What?” Mike slurred. “Harvey?”

“Yeah, that’s me. Are you coherent?” 

“What?”

“I guess not.” Harvey sighed. “We better get some fluids and medication into you, before you boil up.”

“What?” Mike said again.

“You are boiling up.”

“I am?” Mike confusedly looked down on his body. “What are you talking about?” he asked when he clearly couldn’t see anything. 

“I’m saying you have a fever.”

“Yeah…I know.” Mike said as if Harvey was stupid to state the obvious. Harvey just rolled his eyes and left to get Mike some meds and drinks.

“You need eat. And drink.” It was probably the fourth time he repeated it to Mike now. Mike had picked the sandwich up and held it in his hand, but had only stared stupidly at it before he clumsily put it back on the plate. 

Harvey was taking a break from work observing Mike, and to nag about eating apparently. Mike had seen pretty out of it, and confused, so Harvey had decided to keep him company and work in his office/Mike’s bedroom. Besides, Mike had been alone the whole day and after the last hospital visit staying with the kid for a few hours was certainly the right thing to do. However he wasn’t sure if Mike even knew that he was there. It actually seemed like Mike’s fever was getting higher. He regretted that he hadn’t measured his temperature this morning. Now when he checked Mike had a temperature of 101.5. He had been told to call an ambulance if it rose above 104-105 and if Mike seemed worse than in general. That was hard to tell since the kid was feeling crappy in general. But he would keep an extra eye on him tonight. 

He actually manage to get Mike to eat the whole sandwich, he only threatened him a little bit.

“It doesn’t taste good.” Mike complained. “What did you do with it?”

“I laced it with sleeping pills.” 

“What? You did? But I took the pills?”

Wow, the kid was out of it if he didn’t even get jokes, which he told him. 

“I’m not out of it.” 

“Really? Do you even know what we are talking about?” Harvey waited. Mike frowned and looked around the room. “Yes?” He said and Harvey just laughed a bit and turned back to his work. “Go to sleep.” He told the kid, and Mike amazingly obeyed him. At least for an hour or so. 

“Harvey…?” Harvey looked up from the files. Mike was calling out miserably for him. He hadn’t known he was awake. He walked over to the bed and found Mike struggling to sit up. 

“Yeah, kid?” He said and sat down on the bed next to Mike. 

“You are here.” Mike said, trying to focus his eyes on Harvey’s. 

”Yep.”

“I was just…wondering where you were. If you were here.” Mike slurred. 

”I was. I was right there, by the desk.” 

”Oh. Good.” He fell back down on the bed pulling weakly at the covers. He was laying on it, so he couldn’t get it over himself. Harvey helped him out, and tucked him in without thinking about it. 

“You want something to drink?” Harvey offered. Mike nodded and Harvey gave him a water bottle. The kid lifted his hand and tried to grab it, Harvey helped him out. Mike just started at it in his hand.

”You drink it.” Harvey said, and guided Mike’s hand to his face. 

After taking a few sips Mike just let go of the bottle and Harvey managed to grab it before all water ended up over Mike’s chest. Harvey stopped himself from saying anything about it, because he honestly thought that Mike didn’t know what he was doing. It was a bit scary, and he was concerned. 

He felt Mike’s forehead again, and thought it was a bit warmer. Mike didn’t react much when he checked his temperature again, he just owlishly looked up at him. Harvey kept talking quietly to him, telling him what he was doing, since it looked like Mike had no idea. The thermometer showed 102.3 this time. It was up almost a degree in like an hour. That was bad. 

He almost didn’t recognize this Mike. He tried to get him to talk to him, but Mike would only nod or just tiredly look at him. Only when he got up intending to go back to work for a bit Mike spoke.

“Where are you going?”

“Over there.” Harvey pointed. ”I thought I should get some work done now since I probably will be babysitting you tomorrow.”

Mike ignore the insult. “So you are going to be here?”

“Yes, Mike. I will be right here. You just relax for a bit okay?”

“Okay Harvey.”

Harvey smiled at the kid and went back to his desk. 

– SUITS –

Mike tried to relax on the bed. He could hear Harvey rustle a bit with papers. He moved his head a bit on the pillows so that he could see him. He was turning pages in a file, searching through them for something. That was Mike’s job. He should be working not lying around here doing nothing. But he was just so tired, and Harvey hadn’t said anything so maybe it was okay for him to rest a bit.

He couldn’t really think either. The thoughts didn’t stick as they usually did, probably because he had a fever. Harvey had said that he had that and it must be true because he felt really warm. 

He felt really weak too. He wasn’t even sure if he could walk. He probably could, if he just got out of bed. He had nowhere to go, so he was just going to stay anyway.   
He had been sleeping a lot today. Not peacefully though, he kept having nightmares. He hated it. It made him exhausted. He never thought that was possible, getting tired from sleeping. 

Last time his dream had involved Harvey. He couldn’t really remember what it had been about, just that Harvey was in it and it made him feel stressed out and crappy. He felt scared when he woke and wasn’t really sure if it had been a dream or not. But Harvey was acting kind, so he was pretty sure it had been. He couldn’t stay awake any longer and let himself drift off to the sound of Harvey typing on his laptop.

He woke up with a start the next time. Where was Harvey? He struggled to sit up, his spinning. Harvey was still there. He heard Mike woke up and turned around. 

”Hey! Look who is awake. You look even worse.” He got up and walked over, while Mike sat there and just watched him. He had been dreaming again. This time he remembered. In the dream he had woken up and he hadn’t been able to move. He had called out to Harvey to come and help him, but he never came, and he couldn’t move!

“Hey? You with me?” Harvey was standing right in front of him. ”Can you talk Mike?” Harvey was probably just joking. Of course he could, he nodded. 

“Oh god.” Harvey mumbled and rolled his eyes. ”His brain is fried.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and when he spoke again he did it as if Mike was stupid, or deaf. 

“Do you know your name?” He asked. 

“What? Are you stupid?” Mike asked then. ”I thought I was the one who was sick.” 

“Well you were just sitting there staring at me, what am I supposed to think?”

“I’m not that sick.” He sank back down in a laying position. “I think so at least.” 

“I was starting to wonder, kid. Seriously though, how are you feeling?”

“Not that great.” Mike admitted. ”I’m really hot. In more ways then one.” 

“Funny. Yeah, we should try to get your fever down.”

“How?”

“How should I know…?” Harvey said. “I’m never sick.” He looked at his watch. “But you can probably take another pill.” Harvey got up and left the room. 

Mike closed his eyes and waited. He opened them again after a moment and found that he was alone in the room. Was he back in the dream? Was he dreaming? Where was Harvey? He had just been here, right?

”Harvey?” he called out. ”Harvey?”

He felt so relieved when Harvey walked in the room again. “What?” he said.

”Where were you?” 

Harvey looked at him as if he was stupid. “I…eh I was just getting you the pills Mike. Are you okay?” 

“Yeah…I just…eh...” He didn’t know what to say. They way Harvey looked at him told him that he screwed up somehow.

“It’s okay. I’m here now.” Harvey said kindly then, and sat down on the bed next to him. It was making Mike even more confused, Harvey acting so nice all of a sudden. But he nodded and smiled a bit, and Harvey looked happier. 

“Here, you need to take this.” Harvey told him and held out his hand. Mike frowned, but grabbed his hand, making the pills on Harvey’s palm fall down on the bed. Harvey swore a little and pulled his hand away. “No, Mike, not my hand. The pills I had in my hand.” He signed and looked around for the other pill, he had only found one. 

“Oh…” Mike said. 

He took the one pill Harvey gave him. He got it now. Of course Harvey wouldn’t want Mike to hold his hand. That was so stupid of him. Harvey was shaking his cover now, looking pretty mad. Mike’s heart just sank. Harvey was angry at him now. He decided not say anything else and just do what Harvey told him. 

– SUITS –

He couldn’t find the damn pill. It disappeared somewhere among pillows, cover and blankets. Mike was just quietly watching him with big eyes. 

Harvey would be lying if he said he wasn’t concerned. In fact he was very concerned. Mike had called out for him just a minute or so after he left the room, and it didn’t seem like he was aware that it was strange. He simply had forgotten why and when Harvey left.

Mike fell asleep about thirty minutes later. Harvey decided that it was a good time for him to take a break from Mike-watching. He was just sleeping anyway, it would be okay. He went to take a shower, ate something and relaxed a bit on the couch and before he knew two hours had passed. He felt a bit bad and hoped that Mike wasn’t awake. He hadn’t heard anything from his direction. He made his way over to Mike’s room. He had turned the light off, so the kid wouldn’t be disturbed from the light. He carefully opened the door and peaked inside. Mike was curled up in a ball with the cover beside him, he was gripping a pillow tightly against his chest. He was just about to leave again when he saw that Mike was shaking. Shit. 

“Mike? Kid? You okay?” He asked and watched as Mike flinched at his voice. He turned the light on and came into the room. Mike curled up even further as Harvey sat down on the bed. 

“Hey, can you look at me?” He grabbed Mike’s shoulder and turned him on his back. Mike whimpered a bit and squinted at the light. He looked terrible. He had been crying, tear traces still on his cheeks, his eyes were swollen. Harvey felt at once real bad for the kid as well as guilty for leaving him alone for two hours. 

“Oh Mike, buddy…What’s wrong?” He asked and patted Mike’s shoulder a bit. He still was really warm to touch. Mike just moaned a bit and hid his face with an arm. 

“Sorry, Mike. You should have called for me if you were this upset.” 

“I did…” Mike whispered. ”I called and called. No one came…” 

“I didn’t hear anything. You were…”

”No one came…” Mike repeated. ”Where are they?” He stared out into the room trying to look behind Harvey, who had no idea about who Mike was talking about. 

“Well, I’m here now. What can I do?” He asked, feeling a little desperate to make it all better. 

“Harvey?” Mike asked, if he just now realized that he was there. 

”Yep.” 

Mike bit his lip so hard that Harvey was worried he would make a whole, and he tapped the kid’s cheek. “Stop it.” He said making Mike flinch again. 

”Harvey?” He said again, his hand weakly grasping for Harvey’s arm. 

”Right here.” Mike was so out of it. He was breathing deeply, and his eyes were flickering around the room. "I'm right here.” Harvey said again to catch his attention. It worked and Mike met his eyes. 

”Cou..could you… Could you…?”

“Could I what?”

“Maybe you could stay here for a while?” Mike whispered, not looking at him. 

“I could do that Mike.” Of course he would. He had been planning on it anyway.

“Just for a little while?” Mike’s breaths hitched and he hid his face again. 

“Yeah, of course. Move over a bit.” He might as well sit comfortable if he was going to stay with the kid. He waited patiently as Mike shuffled over closer to the wall, he kept looking up at Harvey with wide eyes as if he couldn’t believe that Harvey was going to sit next to him. But Harvey just pretended like the whole situation was perfectly normal as he sat down on the bed next to Mike. He was aware of Mike following his every move. 

Mike didn’t seem to be able to relax, his whole body tense next to Harvey. He tried to calm him, but Mike just looked at him. 

“I am going to stay Mike. You can go back to sleep.” He tried and Mike shook his head. 

“I can’t.” He whispered. 

”Sure you can. You just close your eyes and relax.” 

”N-n-no.”

”Yes.” 

”I don’t want to, I don’t…I don’t.”

“Okay. Okay.” Harvey held up his hands in a calming manner. “No sleeping then. What do you want to do instead then? Because you look exhausted.” 

”No…”

”Yeah, good answer. That clarifies.” Harvey smirked a bit as Mike just started dumbfounded at him. It wasn’t really fair of him, but he couldn’t help but wanting to light up the mood a bit. Though Mike wasn’t in a state of following. He just laid there with big puppy eyes looking incredible sad and Harvey felt really bad for him. He really had a hard time understanding why Mike was so upset and scared. He hated the thought of Mike waking up in the dark room to notice that he was alone, and then he had called out for help but Harvey hadn’t heard him. He wasn’t sure if Mike really had called out for him or not, but the kid had thought that he had and no one had come for him. He had wanted help and comfort and hadn’t received it, and it made Harvey feel like shit. He was supposed to be the one that came. 

He put a hand on Mike’s arm and squeezed a bit, and then left it there. It seemed to work, because after a moment he felt Mike relax a bit, and his eyes flickered close. Harvey didn’t remove his arm, and found himself just sitting there. 

He stayed like that for about thirty minutes. Mike didn’t stir and Harvey was getting bored. He should have brought his phone. It was pretty late in the evening and he was getting a bit tired himself. But Mike was too sick for him to go to bed. He would have to sleep in here tonight. But for sure he could sneak out and just get his phone. He could probably get some work done as well. It worked, and Mike didn’t wake while he was gone. 

However he woke a while later while Harvey was at his desk. This time he was totally delirious, and wasn’t making any sense. He was slurring and his eyes were glazed over. He mumbled things that Harvey couldn’t really make out at first. Mike didn’t know where he was at first and didn’t really listen when Harvey tried to tell him. 

“No, where are we?” He asked again. ”I don’t know.” He panted and twisted around on the bed. 

“Still at my place, I told you that Mike. It’s okay. You are at my place.” 

”But they aren’t here. I can’t see them…Where are they?” Mike was asking and Harvey had no idea what he was talking about. 

“No one is here but us, buddy. You were dreaming Mike.”

“What…No.”

“Yes.” He insisted. He just wanted Mike to snap out of it. He didn’t know if he was doing the right thing. Was it better if he played along? What happened after kind of broke him a bit. 

“But I don’t want to be here alone.” Mike whispered. “I don’t want to be here. I want them to come. I asked…” 

”You are not alone Mike. I’m here. Harvey.”

”Yes…” Mike said and Harvey almost relaxed. ”Harvey was supposed to be here.” He whispered next. “He was…”

Harvey swallowed. ”But I am, Mike. I am here.” But it was like Mike didn’t hear him or saw him, he was panting and squirming on the bed. His eyes were tearing up. 

“I just wanted him to come.” Mike said brokenly, and Harvey quelled the urged to grab him and shake him until he got that Harvey was there! He didn’t dare to do that however, maybe Mike would be afraid of him then.

“I am here.” He said a bit more forcefully and leaned closer to Mike to be in his field of vision. 

”No…”Mike sobbed quietly turning his head away. ”He is ne-never here.”

“I am Mike.” 

“No… I want him to be here.” His breath hitched. “I don’t want to be scared…” He whispered next. 

“God..” Harvey mumbled. What should he do? Why didn’t Mike believe him? He really had to do something, because Mike was crying now. Silently tears were running down his cheeks. The fever was really messing with his head at this point. Harvey wondered how high it was now. Did the kid need a hospital? 

He decided to try a physical approach, if he just got Mike to snap out of it all, so that he could actually talk to him. He took Mike’s hand in both of his.

“Can you feel this Mike? I am here. Me, Harvey.” He said and pressed on the kids hand pretty hard. Mike tried to remove it from his grasp. “No Mike, I’m here.” He said again. ”Right here. This is me.” 

He reached out for Mike’s face and turned his head so that Mike was facing him. 

“No, no, noo…” Mike sobbed not focusing on him, and Harvey almost wanted to pull him up in an embrace but somehow it didn’t seem like the right thing to do at the moment. He needed to get Mike to understand that he was there. Maybe he should try yet a different approach. He might regret it but it was worth a try. 

“Enough Mike! Snap out of it, right now!” He almost yelled straight in Mike’s face. 

It worked! Thank god it worked, because Mike’s whole body froze and he finally met Harvey’s eyes.

“Hey, sorry. Hey Mike.” He said in a much softer voice. 

“Harvey?” Mike whimpered, breathing too quickly for Harvey’s liking. 

“Yeah!” 

“You’re here?”

“Right here.” 

“Oh…I thought, I thought you… Where were you?” Mike slurred. 

”I was right here. You have a pretty high fever kid.”

“Okay.” Mike seemed to just accept that. He blinked a few times. “What’s happening?” 

“You are sick, kid. The fever is messing with you head.” 

Mike sighed and agreed. “Yeah…I feel off.”

”You were.” Harvey told him. ”Are you in pain or something?” 

Mike just shook his head and wiped his face. “What’s going on?” He mumbled. ”Harvey, I don’t know what’s going on…” 

“That’s okay kid. You don’t have to know everything all the time. Just go back to sleep will you? I’ll stay here.” 

Mike looked at him for a long time before he nodded. “Okay.” He whispered. To Harvey’s relief he did fall asleep just minutes later and Harvey felt himself relax a bit. It was kind of scary to see Mike so out of it. At least he had managed to have a few lucid moments now. Maybe he was getting a bit better. He really deserved a break. The kid seemed to be so scared and confused. Mike wanted him to be there. He had said that he didn’t want to be scared anymore. Harvey didn’t want him to be scared either, and if it meant spending the whole night here by the desk in Mike’s room, to be there if he was needed, that was what he was going to do. 

Mike woke up again almost an hour later. Harvey noticed it right away because he suddenly started panting and moving restlessly. He probably just had a nightmare. He had been sleeping peacefully up until now.

“Hey, Mike? Mike?” He made his way over to the bed and sat down close to Mike and patted the kid a bit to get his attention. His eyes were only slightly open and he was staring unseeingly up into the ceiling. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

“You’re here.” Mike half whispered, eyes searching Harvey’s and his hands grabbed for him. “You’re here. You’re here. You are really here.” He sounded relieved. He tried to calm down, but wasn’t that successful. He was shaking.

“Don’t go Harvey.” He begged, even though Harvey hadn’t moved an inch. “Don’t.” 

“I won’t.” He just said. Clearly Mike was in great need of reassurance. It was like he was desperate and nothing Harvey said got to him, he was too afraid to believe that he wouldn’t leave. God, he had no idea it was this bad with the kid. How could he have missed this? They lived under the same roof, and he liked to think that Mike wasn’t that good to hide things from him. But this he had hidden. The fact that he was terrified. Terrified at night, with Harvey was just a room away. Was it like this every night Harvey couldn’t help but wonder, or was it just the fever.

Harvey could feel him shaking next to him. Mike was touching his arm lightly, as if he tried to make sure he was still there. What Mike whispered next almost made Harvey’s heart break again. 

“I’ll do anything.”

He acted on impulse then slid down into a more laying position as he sneaked an arm out and as smoothly as he could wrapped it around the kid. He could feel the bones on his shoulder blades and his shirt stuck to his back from sweat. In spite of that he pulled Mike a bit closer to him. It didn’t feel as weird as he had thought it would be, laying like that next to Mike. He strongly believed that this would help, he thought that this was what Mike needed at the moment. 

“You don’t have to do anything.” He said. “I’m here.” 

Mike drew in a few deep breaths before Harvey felt him relax a bit against him. He was sleeping a minute later, and Harvey didn’t dare to move.


	23. Chapter 23

Mike woke up during the night, sweaty and confused. He pushed the covers away from him and noticed something solid next to him. In the dim light of the room he could make out Harvey’s features. Harvey was sleeping on the bed next to him! He wiped the sweat of his forehead and just stared at Harvey in surprise. What was going on? Why was Harvey here? Think Mike he told himself. He had a vague memory of himself feeling really scared and alone. Harvey had been there too. And Harvey was here now. He was actually sleeping next to him right now. He didn’t really know for sure why, but he had a feeling that he had made a fool of himself somehow. Had he been crying again? He had had a lot of nightmares, so at the moment he had some trouble with distinguishing what had been real and what hadn’t.   
It was dark in the room, and Harvey was still sleeping. Maybe he should too. He was tired after all. He laid down on his pillow again and closed his eyes. He could hear Harvey breathing next to him, and it was oddly comforting. He wasn’t really sure why. 

The next time he woke up Harvey wasn’t there anymore, and he wondered if it all had been a dream. The he had the covers back on top of him, he didn’t know when that had happened. 

He was so tired, but he didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to figure out what was going on. He felt a bit lost. He was warm and could feel his shirt sticking to his back. It would be nice to change out of it, but that meant getting up, so he dismissed that idea. He better stay here. He let out a deep sigh. It was kind of hard to breath, but it didn’t feel that bad, so he wasn’t that worried. He wasn’t in any pain, other than a headache. 

So what he knew so far was that he was sick, he had a fever. He suspected that it had been pretty bad last night. He had trouble remembering what had transpired, but he wasn’t really sure if it was something he wanted to remember. He had been crying, he was sure of that now. Why did he have to do that all the time? It was embarrassing, he was an adult after all, he shouldn’t cry like that. He really had become a wimp lately. It wasn’t his fault though, it was the cancer. It was the side effects. And oh, that’s right. He was depressed. He had almost forgotten about that too. He had a major depression. Well, that was fun. He never had thought himself as a person capable of getting depressed. Now he had proved himself wrong. Mike didn’t really know what to do with that. How was he supposed to handle being depressed? Was he supposed to do something, or act in a certain way now? 

He really didn’t want to be depressed. Right now, he didn’t feel that down, but maybe that was the fever talking. 

“Oh you’re awake!” Harvey was at the door, peaking inside of the room. He was dressed, but not in a suit as Mike had expected. 

“Yeah.” He said. ”What are you wearing?” 

“Oh, so that’s what you want to talk about now?” Harvey smirked a bit at him. “How are you doing?” He stepped into the room and sat down on the bed. 

“Eh..okay I think.” 

He almost jerked back as Harvey’s hand flew out and plated itself on his forehead. “Yeah, I don’t know about that kid.” Harvey said. ”You are still buring up. But you seem a bit more lucid now. That’s good.” 

Mike didn’t know how Harvey could tell that he was more lucid now since he hadn’t really said anything. He felt himself blushing when he realized that Harvey probably said so because he had been much worse before. So he really had been freaking out last night, it wasn’t just a dream? 

“I don’t think I want to know what happened last night.” He groaned. 

“You don’t remember?”

“Just bits and pieces… It was kind of bad right?” Mike hesitantly asked. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Harvey to tell him. Harvey looked at him for a moment before he answered. 

“You could say that. Your fever was really high.”

Mike couldn’t stop himself from groaning. “I freaked out on you didn’t I? Sorry Harvey.” 

“It was nothing I couldn’t handle, no need for that.” He said as Mike tried to apologies some more. “You couldn’t really help it.”

“But I was…” He couldn’t say it. He didn’t want to think about it actually. He had been so pathetic. So weak. It wasn’t him! It wasn’t who he was. Who he wanted to be. 

“Mike! Come on, calm down. You are freaking out again. Honestly I have had enough of that, so it would be nice if you could get yourself together a bit now.” 

Harvey was kind of rambling. What was going on? His thought process was actually put on hold for a while there. 

“Okay.” He said. ”No more freaking out.” 

“Good. Thank you.” Harvey said uncharacteristically. 

They were quiet for some time, before Harvey spoke again. “So… I made you some breakfast. I have already eaten, but if you are up for some food, I can bring you some.”

Harvey was being so nice, it was weird. 

“Like here? In bed? You want to bring me breakfast in bed?” Harvey stood up. 

“Well, actually when you put it like that, no. You should come to the table. No breakfast in bed for you.” 

“What? Why? I’m sick!”

But Harvey was already out the door, and Mike rolled his eyes a bit. It had been worth a try. He managed to sit up, and felt pretty dizzy. For a moment the room was tilting to the side, and he thought he was going to fall out of bed, before everything got kind of upright again. He had to lean his head against the door frame for a moment when he got up, but then went out into the kitchen were Harvey was sitting and reading a paper. 

Harvey studied him for a while as he sat down in front of a cup of tea. “You really look like crap.” He announced. 

“Thanks.” 

“I was just telling it like it is.”

“Whatever. What time is it anyway? Shouldn’t we be at work?”

Harvey raised an eyebrow. 

“Fine. Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“Not today.” Was all Harvey said, and Mike decided not to push it any further. He kind of liked the idea of Harvey staying at home with him. He felt his face heathen up even more at the thought of Harvey staying home for his sake. He remembered a comment about babysitting. 

Mike took his meds and drank his tea like a good boy, and Harvey forced him to take some extra pills for the fever. They ended up on the couch after that. Harvey brought some files with him and Mike turned on the TV and curled up under a blanket. Mike felt like he actually could relax. He felt calmer than he had in a long time. 

“Look Mike,” Harvey suddenly said after an hour or so, looking up from the papers in his lap. “Do you...Do you want to talk about last night?”

“What? Talk about how I freaked out on you? No thank you Harvey.” He was surprised that Harvey was asking about that. 

”Mike…” 

”No, it’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it Harvey. It’s embarrassing enough already.” 

“I have told you that you don’t need to feel embarrassed about that sort of things.”

“It’s kind of hard not to be.” 

Harvey nodded thoughtfully. “I guess.” He said and went back to the files. Thankfully for Mike he let it go after that. Mike really didn’t feel like talking about it. However, there was one thing he should do. 

”Thank you Harvey.” He said quietly, and Harvey looked up at him again. ”You know, for being there yesterday. It is kind of hazy but I know that you were there for some of it and I just…well…thanks.” 

“You are welcome Mike.” They didn’t talk anymore about it after that. Harvey focused on the files and Mike on the movie. At least until he fell asleep. 

– SUITS –

Mike had been sleeping for about two hours when Harvey thought it was time for a break. He had texted Donna this morning and told her that he and Mike was staying home and that he would call her later. He got up from the couch and stepped out on his balcony to not disturb Mike. Donna answered after the first signal. She immediately asked him about Mike.

“How is Mike? What happened? He is the reason you are staying home isn’t he?”

“Mike is doing okay. He is sleeping on the couch Donna.” 

“Alright, and what’s wrong with him? Is it his heart? Did something happen?”

“No it’s not his heart, he just have a fever.” 

“And?”

“Well, it was really bad yesterday so I thought I would stay at home with him to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand.”

“And because you don’t want him to be alone.” 

“He was really bad yesterday Donna.”

“Did you take him to the hospital?”

“No, I talked with them and they said to bring him if his breathing got labored or if he was in a lot of pain, and that didn’t happened.”

“What happened then, to get you so upset?” 

“I’m not upset!”

“Harvey…”

“He was delirious. He wasn’t even aware that I was in the room with him, he was so out of it. I couldn’t leave the room.”

“Oh, poor kid. Do you want me to come over and help?”

“No, he is just sleeping now. His fever is not as high as last night. He should be fine. I need you at the office Donna.”

“Louis is looking for you by the way. He came by twice looking for you before he asked me where you were.”

“Shit…” Harvey sighed. ”We were supposed to talk through the case today.”

“Yes, he said you have been avoiding him for days now.” 

“Yeah, well. Tell him I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“I will try, but I’m not sure he will settle for that Harvey. He was pretty pissed at you. Said it was important and that it can’t wait any longer.”

“One other day won’t matter, I’m staying here today. I know you can handle him Donna.”

“Of course.”

“What else do you got?” Harvey asked, and Donna told him during the next few minutes before they hang up. 

Harvey woke up Mike for lunch and forced him to eat a bowl of soup with his meds. Mike made it clear that he didn’t appreciated it at all. They argued and Harvey was secretly happy that Mike did, he was more like himself when he did. He really hated the frightened confused look he had seen on Mike’s face the other night. 

“Harvey?” Mike suddenly said when they had moved back to the couch. Or Mike was on the couch, Harvey in a chair. 

“Yeah?” Harvey answered without looking up.

“You really should think about getting some curtains for the windows.” 

“What?” Harvey looked up at him. Mike was focusing on the TV. “Are you serious?”

“It would make it more homie.” 

“Oh, I forgot your grandmother raised you.” 

“What? Lots of people have curtains! It’s a normal thing to have.”

Harvey just ignored him. The next time he looked up Mike was sleeping again. The kid was sleeping on and off during the day. It was hard to understand how he could be so tired, but he was sick after all.

Mike’s fever didn’t seem to lessen, later during the day it was the opposite because it was raising instead. Mike’s eyes were glazed over at the times when he was awake, and he listlessly stared at the TV. He didn’t really say much, just accepted the pain killers and meds to help battle the fever that Harvey gave him. Harvey was grateful that he wasn’t delirious at least. 

The kid was asleep again. His head rested sideways against the back of the couch. It looked uncomfortable. He really should go and sleep in his bed. It was getting late as well. He smirked a bit to himself and carefully threw a pillow on Mike. 

“Hey Mike!” he earned a low groan. 

“You are snoring. I can’t concentrate. Go to your room kid.” He told him when Mike was more awake.

“I’m not snoring.” He argued. 

”You should go and sleep on your bed Mike, your neck is going to be killing you tomorrow.”

“Fine…” Mike tiredly sat up and stayed there for a second before he stood up and slowly made his way to his room. He left the door ajar. 

– SUITS –

Mike woke up from someone yelling. Or at least he thought so, he wasn’t really sure if he maybe had been dreaming it. The dreams were always so vivid, and he remembered them most of the time. 

He was sweaty and feverish and really felt like getting something cold to drink. That would be so nice. However he really didn’t feel like getting up at the moment. Maybe he could call for Harvey? He did so. He listened to see if Harvey had heard him or not. Then he thought he heard multiple voices coming from the living room. Did Harvey have company? He couldn’t remember Harvey saying something about that earlier. 

He decided to get up and investigate. Yes, it was definitely someone else there. He could hear them talking now. He stepped out into the living room. “Harvey…?” he started, but stopped immediately as he saw Louis standing there in front of the couch. At first he just froze on the spot, not knowing what to do. What should he do? Thoughts of panic suddenly rushed through his mind, and he did what felt best, turned around and stumbled back into his room. He crawled onto the bed and pulled the covers over him.

Suddenly he felt worried. Really worried. He felt his heart starting to beat harder, and he pulled the cover closer to himself. Mike felt dread rise within him. Louis didn’t know about the cancer yet. Louis had looked so pissed and Mike wished he would just leave. Why was he here? He was going to ruin everything! He could hear Louis’ voice coming closer and suddenly the door was pushed open and Louis was standing there staring at him. Mike quickly scrambled upright on the bed, he felt too vulnerable laying down. The next moment Harvey was there too, and Louis started screaming. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had been buried in files when he heard a knock on the door. He had no idea of how it was. Donna usually called before she came over, but it couldn’t be anyone else but her. He stood and went to open the door. 

“Hey Donna, I thought you…” He stopped talking. He was pretty shocked when it was Louis Litt who was standing there instead of Donna. “Louis, what are you doing here?”

“Well, what do you think Harvey? I’m here about the case that we are supposed to work together on, remember?” He stepped closer to Harvey that was blocking the doorway. “Are you going to let me in or not?” They were standing uncomfortable close to each other, and somehow Harvey didn’t want to back down, Louis would take it as an invitation. He really didn’t want to let Louis in. It would only cause trouble. The trouble was Mike of course, Louis didn’t know he was sick. Louis didn’t know that Mike was living with him. But he had been avoiding Louis pretty much the entire case now, so he guessed he had no choice but to let the other man in, hopefully Mike would stay asleep. 

They walked into the living room and Harvey did a sweep of the apartment, looking for signs of that something was out of order in the condo, or signs that indicated that Mike was living with him. The only suspicious thing was the bottle of pills on the kitchen counter. It wasn’t likely that Louis would think that all of them was Harvey’s. It was at least ten of them there. But Louis didn’t notice and instead started talking about the case as he sat down on the couch previously occupied by Mike.   
Louis had his briefcase with him and took out a few things that they started to discuss, and Harvey started to think that they could get through it and Louis would leave without getting to know about Mike. However he wasn’t that lucky. 

“What was that?” Louis asked as Mike called Harvey’s name. 

“Nothing. Probably just the neighbors.” It was worth a try Harvey though and swore in his mind that Mike had woken up just now. 

”Bullshit. It came from your apartment.” Louis looked around and then turned to Harvey. “What’s going on here? You have someone here?”

“No, why would you think that?” 

“Don’t lie to me Harvey, I know that you are hiding something from me now, and you have been doing it for a while now and frankly it’s really pissing me off.” He stood up.

“Louis if I’m hiding something from you it is because it is none of your business.” Harvey answered and started to get annoyed. 

“Harvey?” Mike’s timid voice interrupted them, and they both turned to look at him. Mike stood as frozen for the whole of two seconds before he bolted back into his room. Damn. 

Louis stood as frozen as well, staring at the door where Mike had disappeared. Then he seemed to unfreeze and turned to Harvey again.

“What the hell is he doing here?” He yelled and went after Mike. He pushed the door opened and stepped inside Harvey closely on his heels. 

”What the hell is this! What is going on here?” He looked around the room. “He lives here? He lives here with you? What the hell?” Louis was yelling by now. Harvey looked over at Mike who just sat there on his bed with a terrified expression on his face, his mouth slightly opened. He threw a glance at Harvey that begged for help, but he didn’t say a word. The poor kid was trembling. It was clearly visible, you could easily tell that Mike was in a really bad shape and that he was scared. 

“Louis, calm the hell down.” He said firmly. “Come on, look at him. You are scaring him.”

Louis snorted. “Scaring him? What the hell Harvey!? This is so unprofessional on so many levels. What the hell is he doing here?” 

“That’s enough!” Harvey yelled back. This had to stop. Mike looked like he couldn’t take another second of it, if Harvey didn’t do something. Harvey knew, because his eyes hadn’t left Mike during Louis’s rant. “Get out! Louis, get out of here. Go wait in the living room.”

“No, I’m not going anywhere until you explain. Or you!” He turned to Mike now and stepped closer to him. Mike responded with clumsily crawling backwards on the bed, shaking his head. 

“Louis. Now.” Harvey said with a cold voice, which left no room for argument. The only reason he didn’t actually manhandle Louis out of the room was because of Mike. That would probably freak him out even more. Louis seemed to know that Harvey was serious because he left the room, but they could hear him mutter. 

“Unbelievable.” 

As soon as he left the room Harvey closed the door hard behind him and then turned towards Mike. The younger man was leaning against the wall as far away from the door as possible, and he was watching Harvey with big shiny eyes. Harvey had no idea of how aware Mike was of the situation. When he last checked his fever it had been pretty high again and the fever mixed with the painkillers made the kid act a bit weird. 

Harvey calmly walked over to the bed and slowly sat down. 

“You okay?” He kindly asked Mike. Mike’s eyes kept flickering to the door. He shook his head. 

“Why is he here?” He whispered. 

”He just came over to discuss a case with me. He said that it was urgent.” It didn’t seem like Mike understood what he said, or even listened. His hands grasped the covers. 

“Is he…What is he… Do I…” Mike rambled. “Harvey…” 

“It’s okay, Mike. He is leaving soon.” 

”But what will happen now? He knows I’m here. What will he do?” 

”He won’t do a thing. Other than leave.” Mike didn’t seem convinced. He had tears in his eyes now. 

“Harvey.” He said. ”Harvey?”

”Yeah Mike, I’m here.” 

”What’s going to happen now? Do I have to leave now? Do I? I…I don’t want to do that. He…Louis…”

“You are not going anywhere Mike. Don’t worry. I’m going to go out there and tell him to leave, okay? Then I will come back.” He made to stand.

“No, no wait.” Mike grabbed for him and caught the hem of his sleeve. “What will you tell him?” 

“To leave of course. None of this is his business anyway.” 

“Maybe you should just tell him.” Mike said. He was suddenly a bit clearer. Harvey had apparently managed to convince him that nothing bad was going to happened to him. 

“You want to tell him you have cancer?”

“It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” He questioned.

“I think it will be easier to just tell him then to lie to him.” Mike reasoned. “He is never going to let this go otherwise.”

“You have a point. You want to calm down a bit and then come and do it yourself?” Harvey asked. Mike looked uncertain. 

”I don’t feel that great Harvey. I honestly think that if he starts to yell again, I’ll… you know.” 

“How about I go out there and I calm him down, and then you come? I think you should be there for that. Or we can wait if you don’t feel up for it.” 

“Yeah... no, it’s okay.” 

Harvey nodded and went to leave. ”Tell him not to yell.” Mike added and Harvey rolled his eyes. “Right.” 

“Harvey!” 

“Fine. I’ll tell him I’ll kick his ass if he yells, okay?”

“Okay. Sweet.” 

When Harvey came out into the living room he found Louis restlessly walking back and forth. As soon as he was aware of that Harvey was in the room he turned towards him with his arms raised out. 

“So? What the hell Harvey? Your associate is living with you?”

“Calm the hell down and think Louis. Have you even considered the fact that there might be a fucking reason as to why he is living with me?” Harvey had a bit of a hard time controlling his temper.

Louis stared at him. “You mean that something is wrong with him right? Is that why he is here?” 

”Well, I want to kick you the hell out, but Mike thinks that it is time for you to know what’s going on.” 

“About time! That’s the whole reason you are handing off this case to me, isn’t it?”

“If you can calm down, sit down and have a conversation, you will find out Louis. Do you think you can do that?” 

“Yes. Fine.” He did sit down. However he couldn’t keep calm for long. Harvey sat down in front of him. 

“I demand to know what going on Harvey!”

“You don’t have the right to demand anything in my house.”

“Or is it your associate’s house? Apparently he seems to think so.” 

Harvey had to draw deep breaths. What he would like was to throw Louis out on his ass, but he could still see the other man’s point. 

“Louis…” He said calmly, at least he thought so. “Do you want to know or do you want to leave?” 

“I want to know Harvey. I deserve to know.” 

“Then calm the hell down, and let us tell you.” 

“Okay.”

“Are you calm? Can I get Mike in here?”

“Yeah, I’m calm.”

“You won’t yell at him?”

“What? Are you seriously asking me that?” He saw Harvey’s glance and just nodded then. Harvey nodded back and went back to get Mike. When he opened the door to Mike’s room and called his name he got no response. Mike was asleep. How he managed to fall asleep in the short time they were gone Harvey didn’t know. At least he was calm. He lightly shook Mike shoulder. 

”Hey Mike. You okay?” He asked. Mike groggily looked up at him and nodded. 

”Yeah, sure. I fell asleep.” 

”I noticed. You want to come and tell Louis?” 

“Yeah…Let’s do it. Help me up?” He extended a hand, and Harvey took it and pulled him up. Mike sat a minute with his head bowed down. Harvey stood next to him patiently waiting until the kid had gotten himself together enough to stand up and come with him to the living room. Harvey felt strangely protective as he walked out into his living room with Mike trailing behind him. Louis had taken a seat in one of the chairs, which made Harvey to lead Mike around to the couch. He gently pushed him down on it and took a seat next to him. 

“Alright. I’m not yelling. Are you two going to tell me what is going on here or not?” Louis impatiently said. 

“Yeah, we will tell you now. I told you so.” Harvey said. He was really annoyed at Louis, but to tell him was Mike’s decision. He looked over at Mike, he didn’t look scared anymore which was a good thing. Louis was also looking at Mike. 

“Are you going to speak or what?” Mike flinched a tiny bit, hopefully Louis didn’t even see it, and then glanced at Harvey who just nodded in encouragement. 

“Well, the thing is Louis that I do live here now.” Mike started just to be interrupted. 

“And what the hell is that about? Are you a couple or something? Because that is…” Both Harvey and Mike protested. 

“No way!”

“No! I’m just sick.” Mike claimed. 

“You are sick.” Louis spat out. For some reason he was really angry, and Harvey just wanted to punch him in the face for speaking to Mike like that. But Mike wasn’t faced by the anger for some other reason. 

“I have cancer in my heart.” He said with a steady voice, effectively silencing Louis. Louis stared at him, opened his mouth and shut it again. 

“Are you bullshiting me?” he asked eventually. Mike sighed a bit, but then struggled with his shirt a moment, both Harvey and Louis watching him. He pulled the zipper on his hoodie down and pulled the hem on his t-shirt down, displaying his port-a-cath poking out underneath his skin. 

“It’s for chemotherapy.” Mike quietly said. 

“Chemotherapy…” Louis repeated. He stared at Mike’s chest until he pulled the zipper up again. Mike just nodded and waited. 

“You have cancer. You have cancer in your heart?” Mike nodded again. 

“Heart cancer.” Louis eyes flickered between Mike and Harvey. “Heart cancer. Oh my god.” To both Harvey’s and Mike’s surprise his eyes filled with tears. “Oh my god Mike.” He repeated. “I am so sorry.” 

“Thank you Louis.” 

“Oh god.” Louis stood up and quickly made his way to the windows, standing there with his back at them not saying anything. Harvey gave Mike a look and raised an eyebrow. Should they do anything? Mike just shrugged. So they waited, until Louis turned and came back and sat down. He had composed himself, and there was no traces of tears on his face. 

“Mike, I’m really sorry to hear about this. I mean Harvey told me that you were sick, but I didn’t think that…It was this bad.” He paused for a moment. “How long have you been sick?” 

“Since the Eklund case.” 

“Oh. Alright. That’s a while. And you are getting treated. How are you doing?”

“Eh…I’m...I’m not so good I guess.” Mike said. 

“But is there hope?” Louis quietly asked, and Mike hesitated, so Harvey helped him out. 

“Yes it is.” He said. “There is hope. He is going to be fine.” 

Louis nodded and Mike bowed his head down. Mike seemed to shrink down a bit into himself, and Harvey reached out and put a hand on his warm shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. He could feel Mike trembling underneath his hand. He realized that Mike probably was close to crashing but was fighting it. It was time to end the night.

“Look Louis, now you know. I think it’s time for Mike to head back to bed. He has a fever.” 

“Oh, of course.” Louis hurriedly got up and walked over to them. “Can I do anything?” He asked. 

“No, it’s fine. I got it.” Harvey said after seeing Mike’s face. “Just wait here.”

He got Mike into the bedroom, and put him on the bed. The kid let out a sigh and let himself fall down. “Now he knows.”

“Yes he does.” Harvey said. “You good?” 

“Yeah. I’m good. I think I’m going to sleep now Harvey.”

“Yes, you do that.” As Mike closed his eyes Harvey went back to the living room and Louis. He went to the kitchen, took out to glasses and a bottle and poured the alcohol into them then handed one to Louis as he sat down in front of him. 

They sat there quietly for a while. 

“I didn’t know.” Louis said then. 

“I know.” 

“Is he going to be okay, Harvey?” 

“I don’t know, Louis.” Harvey sighed and rested his head against the back of the couch, suddenly feeling very tired. 

“It’s an admirable thing you are doing here Harvey.” Louis quietly said. “Taking care of him, letting him live with you.” 

“You know he doesn’t have anyone else.” 

“Well, the way I see it” Louis said and stood up, “he doesn’t really need anyone else when you are in his corner.” 

Harvey locked eyes with Louis and saw the sincerity in the other man’s eyes. 

“Thank you Louis.”

“If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know. I will take care of the meeting on Thursday.”

Harvey nodded. “I think your idea of approach is good Louis, we should go for it.” 

“I will set it up. See you tomorrow. Thanks for the drink.”

With that Louis left. Strangely Harvey felt better than he had in a while. It surprised him that Louis was the reason of it. Louis approach wasn’t the way he had wanted to go for the case originally, but it might just work, and it would mean less work. It meant that he could focus on other things. 

– SUITS –


	24. Chapter 24

Over the next few days Mike’s condition improved somewhat. So did his mental and emotional condition at least that was how it felt to him. No matter what Harvey said, it he was embarrassed about appearing the way he had when he had a fever. But it was so much harder to control his emotion then. Now he did his best to put in an effort of acting normal. At least this new kind of normal with meds, hospital visits and suddenly getting incredible tired for no reason. 

He knew it probably wasn’t the best thing to do to repress his emotion and put up a front on how he was feeling. He felt like it was going to break some time, but for now he was good. 

Louis knew now. Mike had only been to the office once so far, Harvey had forced him to stay home until the fever was gone. Probably a good thing, since he was a bit emotional, and as Harvey put it more unpredictable. Harvey had told him that Louis had been asking a lot about him and sent him greetings through Harvey, and little gifts, which he found oddly comforting. 

Louis had been really nice to him yesterday when had showed up to the office. He had even brought Mike lunch, but through Donna. Mike still appreciated it. He claimed that he didn’t want people to treat him any differently because of the cancer, but to not have Louis breathing down his neck was a nice relief. 

Today Mike had chemotherapy and radiation again. He was going there in two hours. He was not really looking forward to it, but it hadn’t felt good to miss a session either. At least it was something that was there to prevent the whole him dying part. He needed to do it, no matter how bad it made him feel. 

He was in Harvey’s office. Harvey was on the phone with someone. With who Mike had no idea. He hadn’t been that involved in this case that Harvey and Louis was on that much. He hadn’t ask to be more involved either. He had discussed work with Harvey a few days ago and they had agreed that Mike would take a backseat on most cases and depending on how he was doing he would work more or less. So for now Harvey just assigned him small portions of work at the time and he worked through them and then came and asked for something else to do. It would be for the best. Harvey had promised that he would still be allowed to come with him on meetings and to court if he felt okay that was. Mike on his part had promised to be honest with Harvey on how he was feeling. He had argued that he had been and that that shouldn’t be a condition that he had to promise to hold up, but Harvey hadn’t agreed. 

When it was time to go Mike said good bye to Harvey and Donna and left for the hospital, Ray was taking him. The procedures before his treatment took longer than usual since he had been sick, but eventually he was left alone in a chair with an IV attached to him. It was a room where multiple cancer patients received treatment. Almost all the spots were filled. Actually the room was pretty crowded. Most of the other patients had their loved ones with them. He looked around in the room and saw that actually all of them had someone else with them, keeping them company. He was the only one that was there alone. It hurt. 

The hurt hit him like a train to his chest and he intensively wished that he also had someone there. It seemed ironic that on the chair opposite of his was a young women with an elderly couple that had to be her parents. There was also another young girl with her father sitting next to her with a newspaper while she had her phone in her hands. One woman had brought her kids with her to her treatment. They were sitting on the floor in front of her chair playing a game while she looked like she was sleeping. None of them seemed particularly upset. Not like Mike was. Why were they handling cancer much better than he was? 

I’m here alone. They have someone. I have no one. The thoughts repeated themselves in his mind and he couldn’t let them go. They grew and grew and soon tears threatened to appear in his eyes. He was so pathetic. As usual. But he just didn’t want to be here alone! He was the only one that was. He reached for his phone. Maybe Harvey would come if he asked him. Just maybe. Not likely, but it was worth it to try. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was engrossed in a case file that he had been working with for almost an hour when his phone rang. He looked at it and saw Mike’s name flash on the screen. What was it now? 

“Yes. Mike?” He answered.

“Hey Harvey.” Mike quietly said on the other line. 

“What’s up? I thought you were at the hospital?”

“Yeah… I am.”

”Okay?” 

Mike didn’t say anything for a moment and Harvey knew that something was up with him. He was upset for some reason and now he was calling Harvey to ask for something, most likely for help or support. He patiently waited. 

“I’m having chemo treatment right now.” Mike told him. 

“Okay.”

He wanted to wait for Mike to tell him what was wrong, so he remained silent. He almost changed his mind for tactic when he heard Mike draw in a hitching breath. 

“I…I was…” the kid started to said quietly. “I know you’re busy, but Harvey…Harvey do you think that maybe you could come here?” Mike breathed out. 

“Mike…” Harvey started to say, but was interrupted when the kid started to ramble.

“Just for like half an hour or so. Just a little while.” Harvey closed his eyes and leaned his head on the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. He knew that Mike was crying now, but trying not to let it on. If Harvey hadn’t heard the sound before he wouldn’t have known. 

“Are you there? Please?” Mike said, and Harvey realized that he hadn’t said anything yet. 

“Of course kid, I can come.” He said reassuringly.

“You can bring your work stuff with you, I won’t bother you if you need to work. It’s just…I just.” 

“Mike, I’m coming. It’s okay. Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Harvey was already walking out of his office. Donna looked questioningly at him as he passed her. Mike, he mouthed, and mentioned for the phone. She nodded.

“Nothing is wrong.” Mike was saying. ”It’s just…everyone else here…The others here they have someone with them and…and I don’t.” He said the last part so quietly that Harvey had to pressed the phone hard against his ear and cover the other with his hand as he stepped into the elevator.

“So you feel alone.” Harvey stated. Mike was quiet for some time, but Harvey just waited.

”Yeah… Will you come?” Mike asked him. 

”I’m on my way Mike. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Thank you.” 

”Yeah, see you soon.” 

”Okay. Bye Harvey.” 

They hang up and Harvey tried to hail a cab. 

It was true what Mike had said. When Harvey got to the hospital and walked into the area where Mike was receiving chemo he saw that all of the other patients had someone there for them. It was a young woman with her father, an older man with his wife, a woman with what looked like two of her kids. Mike was at the end of the room, close to the window. He was slumped back in the chair resting his head against it and he was looking out the window, his face turned entirely away from the room. He didn’t see Harvey coming and jerked a bit when Harvey said his name. He looked so relieved and happy when he saw Harvey, and the smile on his face was genuine. 

“Oh hi, you came!” He said and straightened up a bit in the chair.

“I told you I would.” Harvey said and sat down. “How long do you have left?” 

“Probably another hour and then radiation.” Mike answered. ”Are you in a hurry?” 

“No, Mike. I have nowhere else I need to be. Relax.”

Mike smiled again. It was so seldom he did now, so Harvey took notice of it. 

“Thank you for coming. It means a lot Harvey.”

“Yeah, sure.” An uncomfortable silence spread between them. Mike was still grinning though, so things were good.

“You must be bored out of your mind here. There is nothing to do.” Harvey observed the room. 

“Yeah, it is kind of boring. Did you bring some work with you?” 

“Does it look like I did?” Now he kind of wish he had. Just sitting here for a few hours was not really productive. 

Thankfully the time passed pretty fast, they spent it discussing the case. Harvey waited until Mike was finished. “I might as well do that.” He told Mike when he left for the other part of his treatment. He knew how much him staying there meant to Mike, the look on the kids face told him that. If this was what Mike needed from him at the moment, he could sit in a hospital waiting room for an hour. 

They went to the office after that. Donna scolded them both for coming there, but Mike managed to charm her enough for her to leave them alone. 

“I just missed you Donna. I wanted to see you.” He said, and he sounded so sincere that Harvey suspected that he wasn’t joking. Donna melted of course and fussed over him until they left for the evening. 

When they got home Mike collapsed and the couch and refused to move during the rest of the evening. Side effects hit him hard and he was laying curled up on the couch, covered by a blanket and a bucket next to him. He had to use it multiple times and after the fourth time he was dry heaving and trembling. Harvey didn’t really know how to help him. Mike said he couldn’t. He kept him company at least and helped him to bed when Mike felt momentarily better. The kid fell asleep for the night around two thirty, and Harvey collapsed in his own bed shortly after that. What a day!

The next morning had Mike sitting at the breakfast table staring down in his tea for probably ten minutes before Harvey managed to get him to get ready for work. Mike refused to stay home, and Harvey just figured that it would be less of a hassle to just let him come. 

Mike recovered some during the day and worked pretty well. Louis came by and when he saw Mike there he offered to help him with what he was working on. Mike politely declined with a surprised look on his face.

“Did you just see that? He offered to proof briefs for me!” Mike laughed. “That’s the first upside with having cancer so far!”

”I’m glad you are enjoying yourself.” Harvey said dryly. 

“I take what I can get.” He leaned back in his chair. “Maybe I should just have him do it. And then I can be like No, Louis this was sloppy. Do it again!”

At Harvey’s look he continued. “What? He does it to me!”

“So you will use your cancer as an excuse to get back at Louis?”

“Why not? I don’t have much else use of it.” 

Harvey just shook his head, but he didn’t want to say anything because Mike was joking around. He wanted to let him. 

”You want me to call him back here then?” He smirked. 

“I’ll just do it next time.” 

Harvey just shook his head and they went back to work. Not much else happened that day. 

– SUITS –

Mike stared at the pills in his hand. He could count to nine of them in different shapes and colors. This was only his morning dose. It was ridiculous. He didn’t want to count all that he took in a day, even though his brain just automatically did. They were for his survival. Sometimes he still had a really hard time accepting that this was his reality now. 

Ha had gotten a few extra pills now against depression. He wasn’t sure that they were helping that much. Maybe in some ways, but maybe it was also too early to tell. He didn’t know. 

He was due back at the hospital today. Again. It was time for another treatment session. He had a few sessions left before they were going to take a break from it. So far they hadn’t really told him anything about the results of the radiation and chemo. He didn’t know if it was working or not, he would found out later. It would be a nice thing to know now though, so that he wouldn’t have to walk around thinking about it all the time. Especially when he was lying there in that chair getting the poison injected inside of him, that was when the thoughts whether it was working or not was the strongest. 

The side effects then, they were terrible. He was so sick of getting sick. It was so gross. But if it was working he figured that he just had to suffer through it. But what if it wasn’t working? 

He had discovered that the radiation had its own side effects and these were more physical. He had started to get some kind of blisters or skin irritations on his chest. They were not so bad now but the skin was red and angry looking, and painful to touch. He had asked about it and was told that it was common and that it might get worse, so now he had something to look forward to. Or not. It all kind of sucked. 

He didn’t to go to the hospital alone again. His plan was to ask if Donna could come with him. He was pretty sure that she wasn’t going to say no. 

It turned out that she didn’t. She went with him and kept him company the whole time. He told her things that he hadn’t talked about in forever. Things about his grandmother, about Trevor, about the whole opportunity to get to work with Harvey. She also told him things that he hadn’t known about her. It was nice. 

His doctor had seemed to be a bit worried about something with his breathing and had almost cancelled the session, but Mike had assured him that he felt fine. Donna had given him a stern look but hadn’t said anything. 

After the hospital he was feeling like crap and Donna went with him to Harvey’s condo. He fell asleep on the couch and woke up several hours later with a headache and a pretty bad nausea. He could hear quiet voices and looked up and saw that Harvey and Donna was sitting by the kitchen isle, eating together. It was like Donna immediately sensed that he was awake because she turned around and looked at him.

“Oh you are finally awake. I was starting to think they put something else in your IV this time. Do you want to try and eat something?” 

Mike moved a little to the side so that she could sit down beside him. She had a wash cloth in hand and used it to wipe his forehead.

“Thanks…No I think I’m good. I’m feeling nauseas as it is. Food will make it worse.”

“I know sweetie, but I really think that you need to eat more. You don’t eat enough lately. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.” 

“Yeah, I will eat, but not now Donna. I can’t.”

“Mike, I really think…”

”Donna, let him be, will you?” Harvey saved him, because she rolled her eyes and went back to the kitchen. She was back a minute later with a glass of water.

“You should at least drink something.” He did just to please her. 

Donna stayed a few hours longer, and kept them company by the couch. Mike slept restlessly, trying to battle away the sickness he knew was coming. It did with vengeance and left him totally exhausted. It felt like he couldn’t even lift his fingers without an enormous effort. It scared him a bit. He wasn’t really aware of much, but Harvey was there, forcing him to rinse his mouth after throwing up, and wiped his head and put the pillows in place for him. 

When he started to feel slightly better he was able to fall asleep, and thankfully slept until morning. He knew that he had woken a few times during the night. Harvey was there then too, at least once. He had no idea how he had known to come. Mike didn’t think that he had called out to him. That would have been embarrassing, but maybe he had. Things were kind of unclear. Apparently he had been pretty out of it last night. 

Harvey came in to his room only a few minutes after he had woken up. 

“How are you doing?” He asked without any greetings. “You okay?”

“Eh…” He said unintelligently. He had to assess himself first. He felt pretty okay, the only thing was that his chest felt kind of weird, tight even. “Fine I guess.”

“How is your breathing?” Harvey asked and Mike couldn’t help but star at him in amazement. How could Harvey know?

“It feels a bit weird.” 

”Weird how?” Harvey wanted to know, and he did his best with explaining. Harvey decided that Mike would be staying home and rest today.

“I have to head to the office for a few hours, but I will be back by lunch.” Harvey was already dressed to go. “There is breakfast in the kitchen with your meds. Can you walk?”

Mike threw a pillow at him. He missed. 

”Yeah okay, make your bed too. It look like a bomb blew up in here.” Harvey added. He watched as Mike sat up on the bed. He seemed to hesitate. 

”Mike, are you okay with being alone here for the day?”

It surprised Mike for a moment, but then he felt himself blushing. “Yeah, I’m okay. I don’t need you to babysit me.” 

”You have yet to prove that. No, I’m serious. I need you to call me straight away if you start to feel bad.” 

”You should probably just go now Harvey, before you unconsciously put an apron on.” Mike tried to joke, but Harvey wasn’t laughing. He just shook his head and looked annoyed. 

“You better pick up the phone when I call.” He threatened and then left a confused Mike sitting on the bed. He wasn’t really sure why Harvey was so worried about all of a sudden. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was reluctant to leave Mike alone, but his plan was to come back at lunch and check on him. The kid seemed fine now, a bit disoriented maybe, but nothing serious like breathing problems. Donna had told him about what happened at Mike’s treatment session. His doctor had been worried about Mike’s breathing and had been hesitant of going through with the session, but Mike had insisted. Harvey was glad he did, it meant that Mike wanted to fight his disease. 

Donna had talked to the doctor and had been told that they needed to watch Mikes’ breathing. Harvey thought that he had noticed that Mike’s breathing had been a bit labored, but it might had been from all the vomiting he did. Hopefully it was nothing. 

Mike seemed fine at lunch, Harvey woke him up from where he was sleeping on the couch. Mike was sleeping a lot lately, not surprisingly though. The treatment was taking a lot out of him, and it was starting to affect him more. Harvey tried to talk to Mike about how he was feeling, but Mike just shrugged him off and told him he was fine. Harvey thought that he could distinguish a slight change in Mike’s breathing, it sounded a bit strained, but Mike didn’t seem to be bothered by it. It annoyed Harvey to some extent that the kid just brushed it off like that. Apparently Mike didn’t realize that Harvey actually worried. He kind of wanted to yell at the other man.  
Louis had been really helpful since he found out about Mike. It was a relief for Harvey. Louis had taken the front seat on the case the two was working and it made it possible for him to head home early. 

Later that evening had Harvey and Mike sitting on the couch together, the TV on.

Mike was breathing deeply. 

Harvey tried to pretend that he didn't care, or that it was normal, because when he asked Mike again about it had told him that he was fine, and if that was how he wanted it then fine, Harvey thought. He was going to wait until Mike commented on it himself. But he kept breathing like that, like he had been running a mile which he of course hadn’t. He had walked from the bathroom and back to the couch, and to the table and back, but that was all. Harvey had known that something was wrong! Why couldn’t the kid just admit it?

"Mike, come on!" He eventually said when he had enough. "You are not fine. What's with your breathing?" 

Mike glared at him. "I...I... I don't know." He panted before reluctantly admitting that something indeed was wrong. "It's kind...It's kind of...hard to...to breath."

"Yeah, I can hear that. You know why?"

"No... I don't. It...feels...weird." Mike panted. Harvey nodded, feeling his heartbeat speeding up. This was serious. 

"Weird how Mike?"

"I don't know. Just...just weird. It's like the air... doesn't reach...reach my lungs." He turned his attention back to the TV again and Harvey wanted to hit him with something. So he did, a pillow was the closest thing he could find. 

"Ow! What?"

"And you don't think that we should do something about that?"

"It will...pass, Harvey. I'm fine." 

"No you are not. I'm taking you to the hospital. This is something they told us to watch out for Mike." 

The kid just groaned and sank further down in the couch. However that caused him to getting an even harder time to breath, so he straightened out pretty quickly again. 

"I'm going to call your doctor and see what he thinks. If he says to come, you will go without a word. Understood?"

"Yeah, okay." Harvey could see that he was struggling. It disturbed him a lot to watch Mike struggle with something as natural as breathing. The kids face had also taking a slightly reddish color. When had that happened? He made the call and was advised to take Mike in straight in. 

"The red color of the face is a sign that he is not getting enough oxygen, and I did noticed some irregularities at the last exam, but I was hoping it wouldn't get worse." The doctor said on the other end of the line. Harvey wanted to yell at him about not being told about that, but decided it wasn't the best time. 

"Will it get worse quickly?" 

"It is hard to tell, but let’s not take any chances. Do you want me to arrange for an ambulance?" 

"You think that's necessary?" Harvey asked, a bit chocked.

"That is up to you to determine. Can he move around by himself? Otherwise you call an ambulance Harvey. I will make sure Mike is taken care of when he gets here." 

They hang up after that, and Harvey accessed Mike, who started to pant out protests about getting an ambulance. He could walk, he argued. 

Harvey had to help him up though. 

They were waiting for a cab when Mike started to get worse. He had managed pretty well with getting dressed, taking the elevator down and stepping out on the sidewalk. Harvey didn't know what it was, maybe the difference between the air inside and the air on the busy New York street, or if it was the short walk but Mike deteriorated quickly. Too quickly for his taste. They were standing next to each other, Harvey was looking out for the cab when he suddenly felt Mike tugging his sleeve. He turned confused towards the younger man. What was he doing? Mike was trying to grab his arm, for support Harvey realized. The kid stumbled, he was wheezing now. He was trying to say something as well, but he couldn't get any words out. Harvey thought that he was saying his name. He brought his hands to Mike's shoulders and steadied him. 

"Hey Mike! What's happening?!" 

Mike had locked his hands on Harvey’s arms and was trying to gain control over his breathing. He just shook his head and coughed. Luckily their cab showed up at that moment. The driver opened the door and when Harvey shouted at him he quickly came around and opened the door for them. 

"What's wrong with him?" He asked.

"He can't breathe! We need to get to the hospital now!" 

Together they managed to get Mike inside pretty easily, Mike let them manhandle him and tried his best to help. Harvey buckled him in and ran around the car and got in on the other side. He threw a glance at Mike as he buckled his own seatbelt.

"Go! Hurry!" He yelled at the driver. He reached over towards Mike and grabbed his arm in an attempt to calm him. Mike's breaths was labored, his face was flushed and sweaty and his eyes wet. He was grasping at the seatbelt and his shirt over his chest. His eyes darted around the car, not really focusing on anything. When Harvey spoke to him, he manage to meet his eyes with a frightened look. 

"It will be okay. We are almost there. They will help you. You will be okay. Deep breaths." 

Harvey were repeating the same things over and over until they got there. Just as Mike doctor had said there was a medical team waiting for them. They were there and had opened the door and gotten Mike on a gurney even before Harvey got out of the car. He threw a bill to the cab driver and rushed after them. Mike had an oxygen mask over his face and was lying there, limp with eyes closed. Harvey pushed forward so that he was next to the kid. He grabbed his arm and shook it a bit. 

"Mike! Hey, kid?"

"Sir we need to move." A male nurse put a hand on Harvey's back and attempted to push him to the side. Harvey then realized that they had stopped outside a double door and everyone was waiting for him to get out of their way. He reluctantly let go of Mike and watched them disappear behind the doors.

– SUITS –

For Mike the whole experience wasn’t so much better than Harvey’s. Worse in fact. He knew of course there on the couch that this was bad. At first he had attempted to hide it from Harvey that he was having trouble breathing, but then for a moment he had forgotten about it. He really was struggling. It felt scary, but he had had been vaguely hopeful that it would go away by itself. But it didn’t of course, and the next thing he knew Harvey was talking about an ambulance. No way, that he was going to the hospital in an ambulance. He had done that enough already, so he had argued with Harvey and won, surprisingly. But then in the cab he had changed his mind. He so wished that he would have just let Harvey call for an ambulance, because he couldn’t breathe! No matter what he did. He couldn’t talk either, he tried to ask Harvey for help but couldn’t get a word out. It was so scary! Was he dying now? That was what it felt like, because he couldn’t get any air into his lungs.

Harvey was just sitting there next to him talking, but talking wasn’t going to save him. Nothing he did helped, he was starting to feel lightheaded. But then the door on his right opened and hands was pulling him out, and soon he was laying down. Something was put over his face, and then air! Air was being pushed into his lungs and he was so relieved. He was exhausted as well, and let himself relax a bit. He wasn’t going to die. He didn’t care about what was going on around him, all he cared about was that he finally could breathe a bit better.

Harvey was calling for him, he tried to open his eyes, but when he was able to it was only people he didn’t know surrounding him. Doctors and nurses that moved him on to another bed and people that was asking him questions that he couldn’t answer. He wanted them to stop, he wanted to sleep. He didn’t know how much time that passed but eventually he was left to sleep. They told him not to worry, and that it would be fine. He felt a bit more lucid now. They had him hooked on several machines by now, he had changed into a hospital gown and gotten his own room. Dr. Lundin was there as well briefly. He didn’t see Harvey. He still had an oxygen mask on. 

”Mike, you should try to relax. It will get easier to breathe soon. We are taking care of you. Push the button if you need help, or have any questions. Okay?”

He nodded a bit. He wondered for a minute where Harvey was, but it was kind of difficult to get heard behind the mask. He would probably show up later anyway. Maybe it would be a good idea to rest some. 

When he woke up again Harvey was there. He was sitting on a chair next to his bed and reading a magazine. 

Mike groaned a bit to get his attention. Harvey startled so much that he dropped the magazine on the floor. Mike thought that was pretty funny. 

“Oh, you thought that was funny? You are an idiot!” He picked it up and threw it on Mike’s legs. He kicked a bit and it slid down on the floor again. Harvey ignored it. 

“You okay Mike? How is your breathing?” 

It felt better than before in the cab, but it was still hard to draw breaths, and when he tried to breathe deeply it kind of burned. He made a vague gesture with his hand. He had no idea how he could have fallen asleep with the mask on. It was pretty uncomfortable. He made an attempt to remove it, but Harvey wouldn’t let him. 

”No, leave that on there.”

He ignored Harvey and tried again, and was stopped again. 

“I’m serious Mike. Leave it alone. It’s helping you. I knew you would be stupid enough to try to remove it the first thing you do.”

“Shut up.” Mike told him. 

“What was that? I can’t really hear you.” Harvey smirked. “Are you okay?” He then asked after a moment. Mike had given up on trying to remove the mask. Harvey wasn’t going to let him do it anyway. And even though it felt uncomfortable, he could also feel it helping. 

He nodded as an answer to Harvey’s question, and a moment later a doctor came and told him about what was going on in his body. Something with weakened lung functions at the moment. It sounded bad, but he was told not to worry. And he should rest of course. They told him to do that after everything. Resting helped against everything apparently. But he did what he was told. He was kind of tired after all. Harvey stayed too, which was nice. He didn’t even have to ask him to. 

However, this time he didn’t get better with rest. If anything he felt worse when he woke up again. Harvey was still there. He was busy with his phone and hadn’t noticed that he was awake.

It felt like he couldn’t get enough air, even with the mask. It wasn’t helping anymore. The air just wouldn’t reach his lungs. Reflexively he drew in shorter breaths trying to get more air in, but that didn’t work either. He felt his heart starting to beat harder. What was happening? 

The next thing he knew he started coughing and couldn’t stop. That didn’t help with not being able to breathe either. Harvey had now noticed that he was in trouble, because he had put his phone away and helped him to sit up.

“Hey, take it easy Mike. Try to calm down.” He was saying. Easy for him to say. He could breathe! 

“Shit, you can’t breathe, can you?” Harvey was asking a minute later when he still hadn’t stopped coughing. “You are turning blue!” 

The next Mike was aware of was that his bed suddenly was surrounded by medical personal, and he could see that Harvey had been shoved back against the wall. It was a lot of activity around him, they were saying things and moving him, holding him, checking him, and he just wanted them to stop, and just fix it. He couldn’t breathe, and he was so scared. He face felt wet, so he was probably crying. He tried to grasp anything, do anything to help himself, but they just took his hands and held them down. He tried to scream. Then he was flat on his back, the mask had been removed and someone was holding their hands around his face, tipping his head backwards. Something was in his mouth the next minute, someone’s fingers he realized, then something hard and thick, and it was being shoved down his throat. No! He wanted it gone! He tried again to get lose, fought with everything he could, but the grips around him just tightened as the thing in his throat was shoved deeper down. Things were starting to fade out. He was feeling weaker. Was he dying? 

– SUITS –

Harvey was seriously shaken up. 

He had just been sitting there next to Mike, when the kid suddenly started coughing behind the mask. It didn’t look sanitary at all. But he also noticed that Mike’s skin color was changing. The kid didn’t get enough air! He needed help now. He pushed the call button multiple times, and a nurse came pretty quickly. He tried to talk to Mike to calm him down, but he wasn’t listening at all. He probably couldn’t. Harvey still tried, at least until it was so many people in the room surrounding Mike, that he couldn’t stay where he was anymore. He backed up against the wall, making sure he still could see Mike’s face. The talk among the medical staff was hurried and filled of urgency. Many hands was on Mike’s trembling body. Tears were streaming down his face, as he tried to get them off him unsuccessfully. It looked like he was fighting with all he had. Then they decided that the best thing they could do was to intubate Mike. It was serious enough. They tipped his head backwards, someone was holding Mike’s mouth open as they stuck a tube down his throat. The whole thing looked really frightening, and Harvey had to quell the urge of rushing forward and push them away from the kid.

They had injected Mike with sedatives and even before the tube was down all the way Mike’s body became limp, and he stopped resisting. Harvey himself could breathe a bit easier then. It was better this way that Mike wasn’t awake. 

It took another twenty minutes until everything calmed down again, and someone came and spoke to Harvey. They told him that they would keep Mike like this for a while now until his breathing improved enough. He was going to be kept sedated for at least 24 hours. Harvey didn’t ask many questions, but they reassured him that Mike was in good hands. They told him that he could stay for a while if he wished, but Mike was not going to wake up until they changed the sedatives. 

He decided to stay for a while. He needed to make sure that they were right. That they knew what they were talking about. He felt exhausted, even though he had just watched what happened. They did know, because Mike’s chest was moving up and down in rhythm to the machine. A machine was helping Mike breath. Harvey couldn’t believe that it had come to this. But it had and here they were. 

He hesitated but then took Mike’s lax, cold hand in his and squeezed it for a bit. Mike didn’t stir. 

“Don’t do that again Mike.” He quietly told him. It felt weird talking to him like this. ”Look, I’m going to be back here later. I’m going to tell them to call me the second you wake up, if you do when I’m not here. I’m not abandoning you here. They are keeping you like this for a while now, you know.”

He paused. Mike was the same. His skin was pale, covered in perspiration. His mouth was forced open by the tube. It looked unnatural. It didn’t belong there.   
He left a few moments later. He did stop by the nurse’s station, and they promised to call if there was any changes. He really needed to head home, take a shower and maybe a drink. He would go back tomorrow after work.


	25. Chapter 25

Harvey had a hard time falling asleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mike. He really hoped that his associate wouldn’t wake up, and it made him feel guilty for hoping for that, but he couldn’t stand the thought of Mike waking up alone. He also couldn’t get the image of Mike being intubated out of his head. The way they had to hold him down and force his mouth open. It had been absolutely terrifying. 

As it turned out he only got a couple of hours of sleep. He thought about going to the office in the morning, but he ended up at the hospital, next to Mike. The younger man was the same as when he left him. He looked a bit better than he had the day before, but still looked really sick. The tube down his throat didn’t help his appearance. Mike was still sedated and Harvey was told once again when Mike’s doctor stopped by that he would remain so. They didn’t want to remove the tube yet, since they wanted to give Mike’s lungs and heart some time to recuperate. 

“And how long will that take?” Harvey questioned. 

“It is hard to say at the moment. At least another 24 hours.”

Harvey just nodded and looked at Mike. 

“I know it is hard to watch him like this, but trust me, this is what’s best for him at the moment.”

They talked a bit longer and Harvey and Mike was left alone after that. Harvey felt his phone buzz in his pocket and glanced at it. It was Donna who was wondering where he was. She also inquired about Mike. He closed his eyes and just stood there feeling like crap for a while. Mike was sedated and he hadn’t told Donna. He didn’t know how he had forgotten about that. It had been pretty hectic last night, and he had thought about letting her know, but it had been so late. 

For a moment he took Mike’s cold hand in his own. It felt so weird standing there next to the kid in the bed. He squeezed Mike’s hand a bit, before he put it back down. 

“I’ll stop by later okay. Don’t you dare wake up before that.” 

Donna was at her desk when he arrived at the office and as soon as she saw him she stood up and came to meet him. 

“Is your phone broken Harvey?” 

“No, Donna. I can explain.”

“Yes I certainly hope so. Where is Mike?” 

“He is at the hospital. He got worse yesterday, that’s why I didn’t answer you.” 

“Oh god. Is he okay?” 

“They have him sedated, but he will be fine. You don’t have to worry.”

“Of course I worry, and what do you mean sedated? Why did they have to sedate him?”

He told her everything that happened, and listened to her frantic ranting afterwards knowing she needed to get it out. She apologized after and asked if she could do something to help.

“No, it’s fine. There isn’t much that we can do for him now. He is getting the help he needs.”

“And how are you doing?”

Ha sighed and told her he was fine. 

“You look like crap Harvey. You should take better care of yourself, you are not going to do Mike any favors otherwise.”

Before he could respond she continued. “I’m going down there to see him.”

“He is sedated Donna.”

“I don’t care. See you later.”

Harvey got some work done, went to a meeting with the other partners but had a hard time concentrate on what was being said.

“Harvey?” Jessica’s voice rose him from his thoughts, he looked around the room and saw that everyone else had left already, only Jessica remained. “You okay?” she asked and he slowly nodded but didn’t move. Jessica came back from her spot by the door and sat down next to him. 

“What’s going on with you? I can tell something is bothering you Harvey.”

“Mike.” He sighed and she nodded.

“How is he doing? I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“He is intubated and sedated at the hospital.”

“Oh my god! What happened?”

“He couldn’t breathe yesterday, he kind of collapsed.” After he told her what happened her only response was to tell him to go home. 

“I don’t need you here like this Harvey. Go be with the kid until he is better.”

“But…”

“Louis and I will deal with your cases.”

Ha thought about arguing with her, but he was just so tired, and a flash of Mike being intubated changed his mind. So he agreed.

He called Donna who told him that things with Mike was the same as before. Harvey went home and just collapsed on his bed. He hadn’t know that he was that tired. He slept for a couple of hours and woke up feeling slightly better. After a shower and a bit to eat he went to the hospital again. Donna was still there. 

“I just couldn’t bring myself to leave him.” She quietly told him. She was sitting close to Mike holding his limp hand. He managed to convince her to head home though, and she told him to take care of the kid. He did. 

“That’s the plan.” He reassured her. She left shortly after that. 

“Just me and you then, kid.” Harvey muttered to Mike’s still form. “You’re just going to lay there?” 

He got no reaction at all from Mike, not that had he expected one. 

“You know what? Jessica sent me home today because of you. I bet you never thought that would happen huh? I certainly didn’t.” 

Harvey squirmed on the chair. It was pretty uncomfortable. The machine that was breathing for Mike was the only other sound in the room. A machine was breathing for Mike. Harvey still had a hard time taking that in. Now he was just sitting there. 

“Come on Mike. This is so boring.” He groaned and turned on the TV. He found a basketball game that was on. “You don’t mind do you?” he asked Mike. “Though so.” 

– SUITS –

Mike wasn’t sure at first if he was awake or not. He didn’t think he was, because everything was kind of nice, but then, then he knew that he was awake. He became more aware of his body. He felt like he was floating at first, everything was moving around him, which was a strange feeling because he was pretty sure he was laying down. But then suddenly everything came rushing back to him. It was like he was hit with a wave, because everything seem to happen so fast. What he noticed at first was that he was actually choking! Something big was launched in his throat and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t swallow, he couldn’t do anything. He had no idea of what it was. He didn’t know where he was either. What was happening? 

It needed to come out. He needed the thing from his throat gone, because come on, he was dying here! It felt so big, and it was forcing his mouth opened making his jaw feeling stiff. He opened his eyes in panic and lifted his slow hands to his face, but something was stopping them from reaching the thing in his mouth. He tried harder and tried to scream, but could only let out a gargling sound. He tried to trash and move his head from side to side as he fought whatever that was holding his hands away from getting free, there were pressure on his head as well. Someone was screaming. Someone was standing next to him and yelling at him. After a moment he realized that it was Harvey. Harvey was there and he was the one holding his arms. Why was he doing that? Why wasn’t he helping? 

But what was he saying? He was telling Mike to calm down, to stop. Harvey had trapped his arms hard against his chest now. It hurt. He took a hold of Mike’s jaw and turned his head against him. The next thing he knew he was staring straight into Harvey’s eyes. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was so bored. He had stayed with Mike for a long time yesterday, before he went home and slept. He came back the next morning and the doctors told him that they would be easing up the sedation later, because some test they had done had them believing that Mike was better now. That had been hours ago. He had been told that Mike’s body was exhausted and that he was probably sleeping right now. Harvey wished he would just wake the hell up. He needed to know if his associate was okay or not. He hadn’t heard Mike speak in two days now. For two days he had been like this. Unmoving and silent. 

The second Mike woke up Harvey changed his mind. Unmoving and silent was absolutely better than this! 

At first Mike didn’t seem aware of anything, but it only lasted a few seconds. He blinked a few times and then seemed to realize that he was intubated. He made a terrible gurgling sound and his hands started to reach up against the tube and Harvey knew that he needed to stop him. He threw himself forward and managed to grab Mike’s hands with his. Mike fought him hard, but he pinned his hands down on his chest and then Harvey pushed the call button three times more than necessary. They needed help, now!

Mike was panicking. He was trashing widely underneath him, and Harvey had to hold on tight to prevent Mike from causing himself harm. Where the hell was the nurses? He couldn’t reach the call button to push it again, and he refused to let Mike go. He couldn’t let go, it wouldn’t be good at all if he did. 

“Mike, Mike, calm down. You need to calm down!” He was basically yelling, because it seemed like Mike couldn’t hear him, like he was too far gone in his own world to hear Harvey. He just couldn’t get through to him, and couldn’t catch his eyes. It scared him. Mike’s head was trashing as much as the other man could with Harvey’s grip around his forehead to stop him from doing just that. 

Finally Harvey managed to catch Mike’s eyes with his. They looked into each other’s eyes for what felt like a long time but probably just was a few seconds. But Mike finally had recognition in his eyes. Harvey could feel some of the tension in the kids body underneath him let go. Mike’s arms stopped pushing upwards and the look of total panic ebbed away. 

“Good, good, that’s it. That’s good Mike. You are doing fine. Just relax.” He found himself repeating reassuring words to the kid, and the next minute the medical personal arrived and took over. 

They made the process short of getting the tube out of Mike. No one bothered to get Harvey out of the room so he had the privileged to watch the whole thing. It looked very uncomfortable to say the least. They replaced the tube with a nasal cannula and told them that an oxygen mask was an option as well if Mike got worse again. Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that. 

Mike didn’t seem aware of much that was going on. He was blinking slowly up at the people next to his bed and just nodded or shook his head at their questions. Suddenly they were alone again, and Harvey tiredly sat down next to Mike again, feeling the adrenalin slowly seeping out of him. Mike looked up at him when he sat down.

“Hi..” He whispered. 

“Hi yourself. You doing okay now when you’re not freaking out on me?”

“Yeah. My throat is sore.”

“I bet it is. You had that thing there for two days.”

“Yeah…they told me.”

“You want to get some sleep?” Harvey asked after a moment of silence between them. Mike slowly nodded, and seemed to doze off a few minutes later.

Harvey studied the kid. Mike’s gown had slide down a bit during the whole waking up and panicking incident. Harvey was about to pull the fabric back to its place when he spotted something white on Mike’s chest. Was it bandages? 

“Excuse me, Sir?” He jumped a bit in his chair. He hadn’t heard the nurse stepping inside the room. 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll just head out for a minute.” He stood and left the nurse to do whatever it was that she needed to do. He went inside again when she came back out and found Mike awake. He looked a bit flushed and Harvey thought it might be from embarrassment. 

“Did you get a sponge bath?” He asked and smirked a bit. 

“What? No!” Mike straightened up in the bed a bit. He looked a little bit better, a little bit stronger and not dead tired anymore. 

“How long have I been here?” he asked. 

“I told you that already. Two days.” 

“Oh. Okay.” He got quiet for a while. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t tell me that.” 

They argued about the fact for a while until Mike got tired again and fell asleep in the middle of their conversation. Harvey was trying to make a point, and when Mike didn’t answer he looked up and saw that the younger man was in fact sleeping. Harvey rolled his eyes and stepped out for a while. He went and got something to eat and spoke to Donna. When he got back Mike was still dozing in the bed. When he woke up again he was pretty confused and didn’t really seem to know much about anything. But Harvey had spoken to the kid’s doctor and had been told it was normal. Mike was on quite heavy medication. So Harvey just did his best to follow Mike’s lead and act normal. 

– SUITS –

He was at the hospital. He just woke up. The hospital. It was a good thing. It was also a good thing that he knew where he was he guessed. He got confused sometimes. It was kind of scary. It definitely wasn’t anything he was used to. Confused wasn’t him. He didn’t do confused. 

Except he did now. He was in the hospital. Wait, he had already thought of that. What was wrong with him really? Was he brain damaged or something? He should ask Harvey about that. He looked to his left where Harvey was sitting looking at his phone. He asked and watched Harvey’s expression. He looked confused too.

“What? Brain damaged? What are you talking about? You are not brain damaged.” Harvey looked concerned now. ”Are you feeling alright?” he asked and put his phone away. 

Apparently he wasn’t brain damaged, just high on medication. That was better. You could stop taking medication, and then if he did, he would become normal again. No, wait. Except that he would die. He didn’t want that. He had almost forgotten about that. How could he have forgotten that he only had ten percent chance of surviving? 

He should feel scared and freak out right now, but he didn’t. It was kind of hard to care right now. He was just lying here anyway. And Harvey was there too. That was so great. Harvey was really there. The great Harvey Specter was sitting with him at the hospital. Mike, who was a fraud, a nobody, but Harvey was still there with him. How great wasn’t that?

He felt bad when he woke up again the next morning. He didn’t even know when he had fallen asleep. But now he felt sick. Like throwing-up-everything-in-his-gut-sick. Shit! He was going to do that. He felt it coming and thought he made a sound of distress to let someone know that he needed to get up right now. They didn’t get that though, and he threw up all over himself. It was so gross. 

“Shit! Mike! Wow…” Harvey was there next to him. Not so close though. When he was done Harvey patted his arm a bit. “You are alright.” He said calmly, and Mike strongly disagreed. 

A few nurses came by a minute later and helped him to sit up and change. They efficiently changes the bed sheets as well, he wasn’t really sure how it happened, but it did. It was nice to get to lay down in the fresh sheets. He blinked up at Harvey how was holding a small basin. It was probably for him, if he got sick again. He didn’t get to find out if that was case or not because he fell asleep again. 

“Come on...Wake up would you.” 

Someone was mumbling next to his head and he forced his eyes open and tilted his head to the side. 

“Finally! I’m so bored. There is literally nothing to do here. And watching you sleep is just as interesting as staring into the wall.”

“You’re weird…” Mike mumbled back and closed his eyes again. He was so tired.

”No, come on Mike. Don’t fall asleep again.” 

He forced his eyes back open, and after a while he was wake enough to keep them opened. He felt kind of better, not nauseous. 

“How long did I sleep?” He asked. 

“Long enough!” 

“That’s not an answer.”

“About three hours.”

Mike stared at him for a while, and before he could come up with something to say Harvey spoke again. 

“How are you doing Mike?” He asked. 

“Better, I think.”

“Yeah? You had me kind of worried there for a while.” Harvey admitted and Mike just nodded a bit. He knew that it wasn’t easy for Harvey to say something like that, so he let it be. 

“Are you more lucid now then? And leave that alone.” Harvey told him when his fingers traveled up to the nasal cannula. It felt weird, but he left it alone.

The day passed slowly. Mike was tired and his body felt kind of numb. That was from the medication he was given. He had it all explained to him. They told him what had happened with his body and the probable reasons behind his little collapse. It was all pretty scary. Hopefully he was getting better soon so he could leave this place. So far they hadn’t told him when he could go home. He had asked, but hadn’t really gotten a straight answer. 

Harvey stayed the whole day, which surprised him a bit, but he didn’t say anything because he wanted Harvey there. Somehow he felt calmer with the other man there, even though Harvey complained a lot. Probably just to keep up appearance. Mike caught him looking worriedly at his doctor as he listened intently what he was telling Mike. But Harvey didn’t express concern to him and Mike didn’t bring the situation up either. He was just glad that Harvey was there, waiting for him when he came back after a test. 

He slept surprisingly well that night too. Maybe thanks to the drugs. 

– SUITS –

Harvey surprised himself when he decided to spend another day with Mike at the hospital. Mike had been pretty out of it the other day, so he figured he would just keep the kid company for another day. Mike would appreciate it. 

Harvey had managed to go home and sleep and then make it back to the hospital the next morning without Mike realizing that he had left. The nurses told him that Mike had had a good night. However Harvey couldn’t help but doubt that when Mike woke up and threw up the first thing he did. The rest of the day passed slowly. It was pretty boring since Mike mostly slept, and when he didn’t they wanted to take him for tests and stuff. 

That evening he told Mike he would see him the next day and then left when Mike had fallen asleep. He had to go to the office tomorrow. Donna had said that she was going to visit Mike during lunch, which she also did. Harvey had his breakfast in the kid’s room, and Mike was a bit better that day. A bit more like himself, and not as tired. 

When Donna came back from her lunch she reported that she had left Mike sound asleep and that he had complained about wanting to leave because he was bored. Harvey felt like he could relax a bit then. That sounded like Mike. Hopefully he would be able to leave soon. 

As it turned out they didn’t want to let Mike go home for a couple of more days. Harvey thought that was for the best. He felt sorry for Mike, because he was clearly not happy about having to stay at the hospital any longer now when he thought that he was better. But in Harvey’s opinion that was where he belonged if the medical staff was concerned about him going home. Both Harvey and Donna visited Mike as much as work allowed them. They had talked about it and Donna had made up a schedule so that Mike would be alone as little as possible. Unfortunately the case he and Louis worked on took up much of his time, and even if Louis didn’t say anything Harvey could tell that he thought Harvey needed to be there for the meetings. 

– SUITS –

They refused to let him go home. You are not well enough yet for us to feel secure about letting you go home, that was what they were saying. They kept taking all sorts of tests on him. All the time. He never got to a break. At least that was what it felt like. 

It was so boring at the hospital. He just laid there, staring at the ceiling or the small TV. It was so lonely. He had some visitors of course. That was the highlights of his days. He longed for those moments. Weirdly he almost felt sad when they came, because it would mean that he would have a great hour or so, but it would be so much harder when they left.

Donna would stop by at lunch, and Harvey would drop in after work and sometimes also during the mornings before work. Once he joined Donna during lunch. That had been really great because they had brought food with them that they all shared. He hadn’t been feeling all that great that morning so it was a welcome surprise to see both of them. However after they left he threw everything up, and got told off by a nurse. He was supposed to eat the hospital food since it was adjusted to his condition. 

Another thing was that he apparently had some bad reaction to some of the medication or something because it caused the sores on his chest to get worse. They were from the radiation, and they hadn’t been that bad but now they were. He had avoided to look at them himself, but judging from the reaction from the nurse that was tending to them they were pretty bad. It hurt a lot too. He dreaded the time when they came to change the bandages. It was truly awful. 

However the nights were the worst. Sometimes Harvey would stay until he fell asleep and that was okay, but when he didn’t, that was hell. One night he had been so upset that they had threatened with sedating him. He almost wanted them to, but they hadn’t and he had calmed down somewhat to be left alone. He just couldn’t help that he freaked out. 

He tried to make Harvey stay longer the night after. He didn’t think that Harvey was aware of just how bad he felt at the hospital. And he wasn’t going to tell him, he just wasn’t, because after all he was at the hospital to feel better. It was where he needed to be, that’s was what they all told him at least. It was just that he didn’t want to! He felt like a little kid, but it was the truth. He just wanted to leave. And if that wasn’t happening, at least he wanted company. It was just hard to actually ask the older man to stay. He had stalled and tried to come up with new conversation topics when he saw that Harvey was glancing at his watch. He managed for about thirty minutes before Harvey announced that he needed to get going. Mike resorted to begging pretty quickly. 

”No, come on Harvey, don’t leave yet.”

“I have been here for hours now Mike. You need to sleep and so do I. They will probably come and kick me out soon anyway.”

“No, but you can just threaten them a bit and it will be fine.”

“You think I should threaten your nurse? Yeah, Mike that’s a great idea. They will spit in your breakfast.” 

“Yeah? Then you can get them fired.” 

“Oh come on, stop.” Harvey apparently decided to end the conversation, they could go on and on otherwise. Mike certainly would have tried. “I’ll see you tomorrow again.” His tone left no room for arguments. And as Harvey stepped towards the door desperation surged in Mike’s chest. He wanted to scream for Harvey to not leave. He felt angry at him for leaving, even though he knew that it wasn’t fair for him to be. But Harvey just said goodnight and walked out leaving Mike alone. He cried himself to sleep. Not even a nurse came to check on him. 

The next day was a setback. He was in quite much pain, and they upped his dosage of pain relief. Harvey didn’t show up for breakfast like he done the day before. Mike couldn’t help but think that he had done something wrong. Had Harvey gotten angry at him yesterday for asking him to stay like that, even though he had visited for hours? 

Also the pain medication didn’t really help when a young nurse came to change the bandages he had on his chest. She seemed a bit nervous and it wasn’t helping at all because Mike quickly got annoyed with her. 

“What the hell are you doing?” He yelled and swiped her hands away from the painful area after she had removed on of the bandages, he had several, a bit too harshly.

“Sorry sir. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She said nervously. She has just started and Mike just wanted it to be over. Now he felt guilty for yelling at her as well. But he just didn’t want to deal with this right now. He didn’t bother apologizing. 

“Just hurry up!” He said instead. It turned out that the nurse sucked at her job! She was so freaking slow and it felt like his chest was on fire. He had tried to brave it out, but she was dragging it all out so he was going crazy. He felt himself shaking and wasn’t really able to stop it. 

“Are you done or what?” he grunted to her.

“I’m sorry, not yet.” 

“Well I don’t care, just stop. Leave it alone.” He demanded not that nicely. 

“I can’t do that until I’m finished,” she tried. “I can take a break if you need it.” He just nodded and she told him that she would be back in a few minutes.   
Mike tried to calm down his breathing. It felt like his skin was tearing more with every breath. It sucked. Nobody seemed to care either. They just left him alone like this. He hated them. He hated everything! He hated Harvey for not coming this morning.

“Are you ready to continue?” The nurse was back.

“No!” 

“I understand that this is not a nice experience but it has to be done.” She carefully told him. 

“Yeah, no shit.” He muttered. She walked up to him and he just panicked. He couldn’t do it, he didn’t want to continue. “No, don’t touch me.” He waved his hand in her direction to stop her from coming closer. 

The whole thing ended up with the nurse getting one of his doctors and two other nurses. It was humiliating and embarrassing to lay there and have them standing over him trying to calm him down and convince him to get his chest tended to. They gave him some more pain relief and let it take effect before the two new nurses quickly finished up with him together. 

He was alone again after that. He didn’t want to be. He wanted to go home. He wanted Harvey to come. Why didn’t he? He didn’t even call to tell him that he wouldn’t. How hard was that to do really? 

He just wished that someone was there. It wasn’t that much to ask for, right? He didn’t really know why he wished for it so badly. He had always been pretty lonely, but now with the cancer he just couldn’t stop thinking of how alone he actually was. The only people he had was Harvey and Donna. And they weren’t there. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was deeply engrossed in a file when his phone rang. He saw that it was Mike and answered after the first signal.

“Hey kid.” He said kindly. Mike had been asleep that morning when he came, and he hadn’t been able to force himself to wake him. In the car on his way to the office he had started to regret it. He had visited Mike in the hospital every morning so far. Yesterday Mike had been a bit sensitive and Harvey had felt a bit guilty for leaving after Mike practically had begged him to stay a bit longer.

“Hi Harvey.” Mike said in a strained voice. 

“How are you doing?” 

“Ok.” Was all he got. Mike was clearly having a bad day. 

“Okay, any news about when you can leave?” He asked hoping for some good news.

“No. They haven’t told me anything.” 

“Okay.” He paused, waiting a bit for Mike to say what he wanted. 

“Why didn’t you come today?” 

There it was. He should have left the kid a note or something, he probably felt abandoned now.

“I was there Mike, but you were sleeping.”

“Oh.” Mike paused. “It doesn’t count then,” he continued. “I didn’t know you were there. It doesn’t count. Why didn’t…” It was a long pause and Harvey rubbed his face. 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Mike whispered in the phone making Harvey feeling even guiltier. 

“Yeah, you are right. I should have woken you, or left you a note.” 

“Yeah. You should have.” Mike agreed. 

“Well…” Harvey hesitated and glanced at his watch. He had a meeting in less than two hours, and he was supposed to prepare for that now. “Do you want me to come over now?” Screw preparing. 

“Yes.” 

And it was decided. He stepped into Mike’s hospital room twenty minutes later. Mike seemed too lit up a bit when he arrived. He smiled timidly and moved a bit so that he was on his side so that they could talk better. He seemed tired since he hadn’t bothered with rising the bed so that he could sit up. 

Mike wanted to know the details about the case, and it turned out that Mike could give him some useful input. 

“I really needed a distraction. Thanks for coming Harvey.” Mike said and smiled against him when they had talked about the case for about half an hour. 

“So what, you would rather talk about this then laying here relaxing the whole day?” Harvey joked. It didn’t work. Not that he really thought it would.

“Yeah I do. And I just want to go home. It sucks here.” 

“Oh, stop with the whining would you.”

“I’m not whining, I’m just expressing my dislikes.”

“That’s the same thing.” 

”No it’s not.” 

Harvey didn’t really agree. Mike really was whining and he frankly he was getting tired of it. Mike was staying where he was until he was cleared. It wasn’t really anything to discuss in his opinion. Mike clearly thought it was. Every time he was here was the same thing. Sure it had been quite a few days now, but Mike still had the nasal cannula, which to Harvey was a clear sign of the kids need to be at the hospital. He decided to try another tactic. 

”Look, you can probably leave in a day or two, you can hang in there for that long.” He meant to be encouraging, but at the look on Mike’s face it didn’t work. He looked devastated suddenly and was biting his lip. 

”But I don’t want to Harvey.” And tears welled up in his eyes before he could stop it. “Please, can’t you just take me with you?” he begged. His sudden change in mood surprised Harvey that quickly had to collect himself to handle the situation right. 

“Mike…” He started and reached over on impulse and grabbed Mike’s hand. He thought it would be awkward, but Mike latched on to his hand with his. Harvey just waited a bit and let Mike breath and collect himself a bit. He wiped away a few stray tears before he looked up at Harvey again. 

“Yeah, I know I have to stay.” He said quietly. He let go of Harvey’s hand and turned on his back. “I’m just having a bad day. Sorry.” 

“No it’s fine. You are allowed to have bad days.”

“I just wish for a few more good days.” Mike muttered. 

“Yeah, don’t we all?” 

Mike nodded, and Harvey looked at his phone. Shit. His meeting started in fifteen minutes. 

“Look Mike, I got to go.” 

“What? No. Not yet, you just got here.”

“I know but I will be back later okay.” 

“But I just told you I have a bad day. I could really use some company Harvey.” 

“I’m not leaving to be a dick Mike, you know that. I have a meeting.” 

“So? Skip it? Have Donna cancel it for you.”

“I can’t do that. I have already tried.” 

“And what? You failed? The great Harvey Specter caved? That doesn’t sound like you.”

Harvey got a bit annoyed at that. What was the kid trying to do? Bully him into staying?

“Mike, I know you want me to stay right now, but you have to wait until I get back tonight, okay.” 

He stood up. 

“So, you are just going to walk out of here then?”

Harvey sighed and went for the exit. He didn’t want to leave but he just had to be at this meeting. He had already tried to cancel it twice but they wouldn’t budge. Why didn’t Mike get that? He was a grown man, sure sick and all, but he could wait a few hours. 

“Yes, I am Mike. I’ll be back tonight.” 

“Well, what if I die before tonight then? How would you feel about that?” Mike said heatedly.

“Certainly better then you, that’s for sure.” Shit. He regretted it almost immediately. Was that too harsh? Mike just started at him, and just as Harvey was about to start apologizing Mike spoke.

“Just go then.” He said flatly. 

”Mike.” 

”No. Go. That’s what you want, so you should just do it!”

Mike turned with some effort on his side with his back against Harvey. Harvey didn’t want to leave like that, but Mike was clearly pissed at him now, so he did anyway. 

He could barely focus during the meeting. Louis kept throwing him dark looks. 

– SUITS –

Mike was staring into the wall. He didn’t know why he had said that to Harvey. Maybe to provoke into staying, but that had been stupid. That wasn’t how Harvey worked, Mike just made him to leave quicker. But somehow that question was real to him. What if he did die? It was a possibility after all. What if he died here, all alone with no one with him? He didn’t want that. It scared him so much. He didn’t want to die, and if someone was there he would be sure that at least someone was there to try to stop it from happening. And then he didn’t need to feel so scared either. He didn’t want to be scared. It was so pathetic. Harvey would never have acted like this, the way he was if things were turned. But Mike wouldn’t have left his side if that was the case. He would only have left when Harvey told him to. When Harvey got tired of his company. But that wasn’t the case. Harvey wasn’t prepared to do that with him. It hurt. It hurt, even though he tried to convince himself that he didn’t have the right to think like that. Harvey didn’t have that responsibility to him. 

He really hoped that Harvey wasn’t pissed at him now. What if he didn’t want to come tonight as he had said? It made him want to cry. He was just so tired of it all. His chest was starting to hurt again too. 

He fell asleep later thankfully. He slept until he was woken by a doctor that wanted to check his breathing. 

“If your stats is this good tomorrow, we will let you go home in a day or two.” He was told. At least some good news. Finally. 

Harvey did come that night. He had even awkwardly apologized to him! Mike had of course apologized right back and they decided that everything was going to be forgotten. Well Mike couldn’t forget it, but he said he would. 

“I can go home the day after tomorrow, if I don’t get worse.” Mike told Harvey, when they were eating dinner together. Harvey’s bought from the cafeteria. 

“Really? That’s great Mike.” 

“Yeah.” He couldn’t stop himself from smiling big. It really was great! Since he had gotten those news it felt like he was feeling a bit better. The only thing bothering him was his wounds on his chest, but he could live with that. He wasn’t about to tell anyone just how painful they were, afraid that they would force him to stay longer then. 

The next day he felt better, and the nasal cannula was removed. The test revealed that he could leave tomorrow. That was great and Donna who was there with him seemed thrilled for him too. 

“That’s great sweetie. Harvey is glad as well. He has really missed you, you know.” She said.

“He has?” Mike stared at her.

“Of course he has.”

Donna stayed until Harvey got there, and Harvey, without saying anything stayed until he fell asleep that night. Mike heard him quietly threaten his nurse a little to be able to do so.

– SUITS –


	26. Chapter 26

Harvey stepped into Mike’s hospital room. He had been told that Mike’s condition was good enough for him to go home today. It would be good to bring the kid home with him. And above all Harvey thought it would do Mike good. The kid seemed so depressed at the hospital. Harvey hated the look Mike gave him from that awful bed. He would be propped up on a few big pillows that made him look smaller than he was. Whenever Harvey stepped into the room Mike would get this weird look on his face. It was almost as if he got sadder by Harvey’s arrival. At first Harvey hadn’t known what to do about that. Didn’t Mike want him there? But he knew Mike wanted him there. He never wanted him to go and after a while, with a growing unease in his stomach, Harvey began to suspect that the reason why Mike looked like that was because Harvey was finally there. He thought that Mike was so relieved that he was there that he almost couldn’t take it. Harvey had felt kind of sick when he first had that thought. He had stayed with Mike until it was almost early morning and Mike was asleep yesterday. Because he couldn’t make himself leave while Mike was awake. He didn’t think he would be able to leave Mike then, when he apparently so desperately wanted him to stay. Sure, Mike had been upset at times before when he had to leave, but he had never made the connection then. He had felt so stupid. Mike had mentioned to him that he didn’t like being alone. But Harvey had always figured that it was different at the hospital because it was people there all the time. But maybe it was worse for Mike at the hospital. No one was there for him, they were there because it was their jobs, unlike Harvey, who actually came to see Mike. 

Anyhow, Mike was good to go home today. Of course they would have to watch out for the normal symptoms, but the doctors thought as well as Harvey did, that it would be good for Mike to get home a bit. Or to Harvey’s home. 

It was a nurse in the room when Harvey got there. She was sitting on a chair chatting quietly with Mike. He looked quite alright, of course he was pale and all, but he was sitting up and his eyes looked alert. 

“Hi kid!” Harvey greeted. ”You ready to head home?”

“If I am! Harvey I can’t wait to get out of here!” He turned to the nurse and added. “No offence.” She just laughed and turned to Harvey.

“I understand that Mike lives with you?” she asked. 

“Eh…yes. He does.” She nodded a bit and looked between them. “So you are his main caregiver?” She asked. Mike blushed a bit and looked down on his lap. 

“Yeah, I guess that is what I am.” Harvey just answered. He didn’t feel that awkward as Mike apparently did. 

“That’s great. I want to show you how to tend to his wounds.” 

”What wounds? He doesn’t have any wounds.” Harvey said. 

The nurse seemed a bit taken back. “Oh well, yes he does. They are from the radiation. It is common to get them. And unfortunately Mike’s has become pretty bad and infected by now, so he will need help with redressing them. I will show you.” 

Harvey stepped up to Mike, both to be able to yell a bit at him, and to see what the nurse was doing. So that was what the bandages had been for. “Why didn’t you tell me you have those?” he muttered at Mike. Not so much yelling. Not when Mike didn’t want to look at him. 

”It’s not so bad Harvey.”

“Oh Mike, they are, you know that.” The nurse said. She was now lowering the bed, so that Mike was laying down more flat. She then proceeded with starting to remove his gown. Harvey swore softly when he saw Mike’s chest. What he noticed at first was the big angry looking areas covering the kid’s chest, it was a few pretty big white dressings covering what Harvey now knew was wounds. The skin next to them looked raw and sore. Almost a little bloody. It was quite disgusting and Harvey grimaced. The second thing he noticed was how skinny Mike was. He would easily count Mike’s ribs. He really did look sick. He should fed him more.

”Alright, Sir? Are you listening?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Harvey forced himself to look away from Mike’s chest. The kid himself was just staring up in the ceiling. “Not bad you say?” Mike didn’t answer.

”You will need to change this twice a day, one time in the morning when he wakes up, and then once before he goes to sleep at night. I will show you how.”

She had a small bowl of water next to her on the table, and a white washcloth. She started to carefully wet the edges of the dressings. As soon as she touched Mike’s skin, the man jerked in response. 

“I know Mike…I’m sorry.” She continued wetting all the edges and then started to slowly and carefully starting to peel it off. Mike jerked again and his hands flew up from the bed towards his chest. His face was twisted in pain. “I know it hurts Mike, I’m being as careful as I can. I know.” she mumbled to him as she got a part big enough lose to be able to stick her fingers under it and pull. She stopped herself when Mike hissed and she looked up at Harvey. 

“Why don’t you comfort him?” She said. 

“Um yeah… sure.” Harvey awkwardly said and stepped a bit closer to the bed. “It’ll be okay Mike.” He said when she looked at him.

The nurse started to peel off the bandage and a gasp eluded from Mike’s lips. The nurse apologized. 

“Why don’t you hold his hand?” she suggested to Harvey, who took Mike’s hand in his after just a moment of hesitation. 

“You don’t have too.” Mike whispered, sensing Harvey’s unease. His eyes were screwed shut, and his hand was slack in Harvey’s. Harvey rolled his eyes, and just grabbed on with his other hand as well. The nursed pulled a tiny bit more and Mike immediately grasped his hand back, all awkwardness from his part forgotten.   
The process of changing the dressings was much longer than anyone would have liked. Mike was panting and sweating by the end of it. Multiple moans had escaped him, even though Harvey suspected he did his best not to. His hand in Harvey’s were shaking. As soon as all the dressings where gone the young nurse also applied some cream on the skin that seemed to be the most damaged. Some areas was bleeding. Harvey wished he could un-see the whole thing. It was so hard seeing Mike hurt this much. The part when she applied new ones was not much better since she had to press them down on Mike’s chest to make them stick. That was hurting the kid, even though she was very gentle.

“You alright?” Harvey quietly asked Mike, when the nurse where packing away the old bandages. 

“Yeah… I think so. But that is so awful.” Mike answered in a shaky voice. “I’m glad it’s over.” 

“You and me both.” 

“It feels better now though.” Mike added. “The cream helps.”

Harvey stepped outside while Mike got help with getting dressed in his normal clothes. He felt that it was good to get a moment to himself. That had not been a pleasant experience. Not for anyone. 

Before they left the nurse took Harvey aside while Mike talked to his doctor. She handed him a prescription for the cream she had used earlier and talked about how good it was, and wanted to reassure herself that Harvey was certain how to tend to Mike’s wounds. He told her that he would take care of it. She gave him a few more tips, and Harvey couldn’t do anything else but patiently listen while Mike took his time with his doctor. 

“Isn’t she nice?” Mike questioned Harvey when they were slowly walking down the hall towards the exit. “I think she liked you.” Harvey cast him a sideways glance and saw that the kid was smirking. 

“Except all she could talk about was you.” 

“Well, I’m what you have in common.”

“Right now that’s all we have in common. Do you know how long she talked about pus just now?” 

“Hehe…that’s gross.” Mike coughed a bit and had to stop and support himself against the wall. “So you are not going to go for it?”

“Are you kidding?” 

”Well, you would have more than one reason to come here then.” 

“The reason I have is enough Mike.” Harvey said calmly. 

“Okay…” 

“So how do you feel to get out of this place then?” 

“Best day of my life.”

Harvey just shook his head at him.

– SUITS –

Mike’s attempts to lighten the mood a bit didn’t really work. Harvey didn’t try to get into it at all and remained serious until Mike stopped. The joke about Harvey having another reason to come to the hospital got Mike thinking. Harvey said he already had enough of a reason. Him. That was nice. So maybe Harvey didn’t mind that much after all. He was always worried about that. That Harvey didn’t want to be there. And now the he had to sit there and hold Mike’s hand while he was acting like a baby. Sure it hurt like hell to change the dressing. It felt like the nurse was trying to remove his skin and nothing else. That hurt! He was doing his best not to show it, but he couldn’t. All he wanted was for her to stop. The wounds had gotten worse lately, bigger, something about his skin finally giving in to the pressure of the radiation or something and the fact that he some infection. He hadn’t really listened that much when it was explained to him. But it was nice that Harvey was there this time. He gave him something else to focus on. 

He was looking forward to go home again. Well, going to Harvey’s place. Since when was he thinking of that like his home. But it wasn’t his fault that he was never at his own place. Harvey wouldn’t let him, and it was not like Mike was insisting. He did not want to go there. 

When they got to the condo Harvey ordered take out, claiming he didn’t have any food. When Harvey was out of the room for a while Mike went to look in the fridge. It was stocked with food. Apparently Harvey didn’t feel like cooking, neither did he. 

”Can I go with you to work tomorrow?” Mike asked. “I feel up to it. Really.” At Harvey’s facial expression he continued. ”I won’t do anything strenuous anyway. I will just sit there quietly. It will be just the same as being here.”

“I don’t know Mike. You have been at the hospital for days. I don’t think it is such a good idea for you to go to work the next day.” 

“I will do everything you say.”

Harvey laughed. “That would be a nice day. You never do everything I say.” 

“Yes I do. All the time.” 

“So if I tell you to take a cab home, you will do it?”

“Yes. If I feel bad enough.”

“No, you will do it because I say so.” 

Mike glared at him. “Fine.” He didn’t want to stay home alone and if this was the best he would get, he would take it. 

”Good.” Harvey said. ”Eat your food.” 

They watched a movie after dinner. Or Mike watched it while Harvey was sitting on the couch next to him, working.   
Mike was aware of the situation at work he was putting Harvey in. He knew that Harvey had to work, but he also knew that Harvey wanted to be there for him, and he couldn’t be at two places at once. But he did try the best he could, bringing his work with him both home and to the hospital. He would give a few files to Mike to let him work on as well, although Mike suspected it was just for his sake. For him to feel like was still able to do something. He appreciated that, but the truth was that he never got that much done. He had trouble to keep his focus and all the reading usually gave him a headache. Once he fell asleep while proofing something, and Harvey woke him up when he had try to pry the file from Mike’s grasp. 

After all he really couldn’t do so much about it all. Harvey had told him that too. It wasn’t his fault. They were both doing the best they could of a crappy situation. 

When the movie was over Harvey got up from the couch and turned the TV off and then turned to Mike. 

“Okay, if I’m taking you to work with me tomorrow, you are going to bed now. I can’t have you all cranky and whiny tomorrow. I have a meeting and I was going to let you participate.”

“Really?” Mike exclaimed excitedly. But then stopped himself. ”I don’t get cranky, and I don’t whine.” He protested. 

“No, you don’t, if you get enough sleep. Now go.” 

Mike didn’t really argue much, just a little. It was a reflex. 

He wasn’t able to fall asleep though. First of all he couldn’t really find a comfortable position. He had to stay on his back, otherwise it was too painful. And then second of all was that he felt sad and alone as usual. Every night! No exceptions. It was really awful and it made him angry at himself. He knew that everything was okay, but his brain didn’t really get the memo. He was just lying there staring up into the ceiling. Trying desperately to stop his thoughts, trying to think of nothing. It didn’t work and he was lying there awake for hours. His chest was itching on top of everything. He kind of wished that he could go to Harvey. He felt like crying. He had thought it would feel a lot better now when he was back at Harvey’s place, but it didn’t. Only a little. He was rather here than at the hospital that was for sure.

He probably got about four or five hours of sleep, and felt like he had sand in his eyes when Harvey came to wake him up. His chest was itching and hurting worse than before and he just wanted to go back to sleep. But he couldn’t do that, not now when Harvey expected him to come with him to work. He forced himself to sit up and winced as he pulled at the edges of the bandages. He didn’t bother to change clothes and went in his sleepwear to the kitchen. Harvey raised an eyebrow at this, but Mike ignored him. 

“You want tea?” Harvey asked. At Mike’s nod he turned on the water boiler and then proceeded to take out the medication. By now Harvey knew which ones he needed to take when. During breakfast Harvey disapprovingly looked at his clothes. 

“Are you wearing that to work?” He asked when they were finished.

“Eh no…”

“Then go change.”

Mike squirmed on his chair. This was embarrassing. 

“I need to change the bandages.” 

“Oh yeah, shit. I forgot about that.” Harvey started to take of his suit jacket again. “Okay, let’s just get it over with. Get the stuff.”   
Mike did and then awkwardly laid down on the couch after carefully removing his shirt. He looked down on his chest and saw the skin he could see was red-looking. This was going to suck. 

Harvey sat down on the table and moved as close to the couch and Mike as he could. 

“Alright. Let’s do this then. I think I remember everything.” He put on a pair of plastic gloves and reached for the bowl with water and a washing cloth that Mike had brought.

“I remember, if you don’t.” Mike offered. He felt really uncomfortable and exposed lying there without a shirt in front of Harvey. He couldn’t stop himself from moving a tiny bit further away. But Harvey seemed to sense his unease.

“Hey. It’s okay Mike.” He told him. “We will just get this done as quickly as possible and then we’ll head to the office. This is no big deal.” 

“Yeah… okay. It’s just that...”

“What?”

“I’m sorry, okay. Harvey I know you don’t want to do this...”

“Mike, let me stop you right there. This is something that needs to be done.”

“Yeah, but still…” He didn’t get further before Harvey interrupted him. 

“Would you do it for me? If the rolls were reversed?”

“Yeah…Harvey of course I would, it is just that…”

“That what? I’m doing this for you now. That is all we need to say about it.” Harvey seemed almost angry. 

“Okay.” 

“Good.” With that Harvey picked up the wash cloth, wringed the water out of it and put it on top of the edge of the first dressing. It hurt a lot and Mike hissed and immediately tried to squirm away.

“Ow! Don’t press so hard!”

“Yeah okay.” 

“You have to have more water. You have to soak it, it is easier to get it off then.” Mike instructed Harvey who did what he was told without saying anything. The water had gone cold already and the abundance of water ran down his chest. He suspected that Harvey was trying to be gently, but he was far from it. Every rub hurt like hell. It did not bode well, since he basically hadn’t touched anything yet.

He watched as Harvey dipped the cloth in the bowl of water and brought it to his chest again. He dabbed a bit looser this time. It still hurt, but he tried to not show it so much. One patch of his chest was especially sore, and he couldn’t stop himself from wincing when Harvey brought the cloth over it. 

“Sorry, kid.” 

Mike looked up at him. Harvey was totally focused on the task he had at hand, and didn’t noticed that he was watching him. He wrinkled his forehead as he worked. 

“Okay!” He exclaimed a few moments later. ”That’s done. They are soaked.”

That was true. The couch underneath Mike felt a bit wet from the excess water that had been dripping down his sides. He didn’t say anything about that to Harvey though, he would probably want him to move then. You know how much I paid you this? He would say. 

”Alright.” Harvey were saying now. “I guess the next step is to get this off you.” He hesitated a bit, his hands hovering above Mike’s chest. 

“Yeah...” 

Harvey’s hand moved in on one of the dressings. “Just be careful, okay?” Mike added worriedly. 

”Of course. No problem.” Harvey said. 

The thing though was, that it was a problem. A big problem according to Mike. As soon as Harvey managed to remove the first stripes of tape that were securing the dressings to his chest, it hurt like hell. He couldn’t stop himself from moving away, causing Harvey to lose his grip. 

“Damn it Mike!” He exclaimed without hesitation. “Don’t move.” 

He chose to not answer, as he carefully moved back to his previous position. Harvey started again. It was terrible. It felt like his skin was being ripped slowly from his body. He had to grind his teeth hard together to not whimper. Harvey was not really going quickly either. He was taking his time, slowly trying to peel off the tape. It was excruciating. He was starting to breathe more heavily in an effort to contain the hurt. 

”Mike, come on! Stop squirming around. You are making this harder than it already is!” 

“Oh! Well, I’m sorry for all the breathing I’m doing!” Mike said angrily. “It hurts!”

“Yeah yeah…” 

Harvey continued as Mike made an effort to stay as still has he could. He tried to focus on something else other than the searing pain on his chest, but it was easier said than done. He tried to distract himself by thinking about something else, but he couldn’t really come up with anything. It had not hurt this much at the hospital! But then he had been doped up on painkillers. Now he had only been taking his usual stuff. Maybe he should ask Harvey to get him some extra painkillers. 

“Seriously Mike, you have to stop moving so much.” Harvey ordered him, and he wanted to tell him some well-chosen words. He was going so slowly! He hadn’t even gotten one of the bandages off him. Mike didn’t know for how long he was going to be able to do this. Harvey pulled a bit harder.

“It hurts!” He clenched his jaw. Hell, it was hurting! He couldn’t stop himself and brought his hands up to push Harvey’s away. ”Stop it.” 

“Mike, come on. I’m not finished by a long shot.” Harvey swatted his hands away, and gripped the edge of the bandages again. “It is just a little bit more, then I’ll have this off you.” He proceeded with pulling it all off him. It felt like a big piece of him followed and he let out a moan. 

“Sorry.” Harvey said. Apparently he first now realized the state Mike was in. ”It’s just a few more left now.” He said, and glanced down at Mike. “You good?”   
Mike let out a deep breath. No, he was not good. But now Harvey was looking at him with pity in his eyes. Like he was some little kid that came crying to his mummy after falling of his bike. God, where did he get that from? Suddenly he wished his mum was there. He remembered that he indeed had been falling off his bike once and had gone crying to his mum. He briefly wondered what she would have done, if she was here instead of Harvey. 

“Mike!”

Right. Harvey was still waiting for an answer. ”Yeah I’m good,” He rasped. “You can continue.” 

He regretted saying that the moment Harvey started in on the next bandage. This was not going to end well, as he suppressed another moan and brought up his hand to his face. He could feel his eyes start to water. His chest was burning so bad. 

– SUITS –

It turned out that it was hard work to get the bandages off of Mike. They were really stuck to his skin. First of all it was hard to get a good grip that he needed to be able to pull it off. And he couldn’t just pull them off, because it was like they were glued to Mike’s skin. The worst thing though was how much it seemed to hurt Mike. The kid twitched and squirmed on the couch, probably unconsciously. Mike couldn’t help it he now realized. He felt kind of bad for snapping at him earlier for not staying still, but it was obvious to him now that he was in a lot of pain. Mike hadn’t said anything else or tried again to swat his hands away. He was hiding his face in his hands. 

He managed to remove a second bandage a bit faster than the first one. It took a bit longer with the third one, but it was also bigger. The skin underneath was looking particularly bad. 

Harvey stopped for a moment and looked up at Mike and studied him. He hadn’t really paid that much attention to the kid, since he had been so focused on the task he had at hand. Mike’s face had a reddish color with flushed cheeks and traces of tears drops stuck in his eyelashes. There was blood in the corner of his mouth and Harvey shockingly realized that he had bitten his lips hard enough to draw blood. Mike was panting and sometimes he would let out a sound that sounded close to whimpers, his fist clenched hard next to his body.

“You need a break?” Harvey asked kindly. Mike just nodded and closed his eyes. 

“Right. I’ll just…” but he didn’t know what to do to comfort him. He sat there next to the kid and just waited for a while. 

“Is it something that I can do Mike?” He asked after a while. 

Mike opened his eyes and glanced at him. “Is it finished?” He asked making Harvey sigh.

“No, not yet kid.“

“Ooh…” Mike moaned. He shakily wiped his face with one hand. He lifted his head and looked at his chest. “It really hurts Harvey.” He whispered. 

“Yeah, I know.” Harvey said. “What do you say we just finish now and get it over with?” 

Mike drew a deep breath and nodded. He closed his eyes and seemed to brace himself. 

It took Harvey about ten minutes to remove the rest of the bandages, and then apply the cream to the skin. The applying of new bandages was also not a pleasant experience, and Mike apparently really wanted him to be finished by now, and complained that he was too slow. Harvey let the comments the kid made slide. 

“Ow! Don’t press so hard Harvey!”

“I have to or it won’t hold Mike.” 

Then finally he was finished. Mike was panting, his whole body shaking. He had his hands pressed over his eyes and was biting his lip again. 

“It’s finished Mike.” Harvey said. “It’s over, okay.” 

Mike didn’t react. “You okay?” Harvey asked, even though he knew the answer to that question. He reached out and put a hand on Mike’s shoulder, only to have him flinch away. 

“Don’t.” He whispered. 

“Yeah, okay. Why don’t you rest for a while then?” He got no answer so he stood up and went to put the things away. He sat down by the table where he still could see Mike, who hadn’t moved an inch. Actually Harvey felt a bit shaky himself now when it was over. His hands was shaking a bit. He really felt like a drink would do him good at the moment. But it was too early in the day for that. It looked like they would be late for work today. He wasn’t even sure if he could bring Mike with him today. 

“Harvey?” Mike’s weak voice interrupted his thoughts. He immediately got up and went over to him. 

“Yeah, what’s up?” 

Mike didn’t change his position at all, still breathing erratically. 

“Can I… Can you give me some painkillers?” he asked. “Please.”

“Sure.” Harvey cursed inwardly for not thinking of that himself. He went to the kitchen, got some pills and a glass water and some paper towels. He went back to Mike and took up his previous spot on the table. He took the pills and waited for Mike to take them. 

“Hey, I have them here.” 

Mike removed his hands from his face and looked up at Harvey with teary eyes. He took the pills and shoved them in his mouth and let Harvey help him to drink some water. He fell back down and closed his eyes again. Harvey didn’t say anything, just poured some water on a paper towel and used it to wipe Mikes face. Mike flinched a bit at first, but then just let him do it. Harvey carefully wiped the blood away from the kid’s lip. 

“Get some rest Mike.” He told him.

“Okay…” 

Harvey was pretty sure that Mike fell asleep after a while. He didn’t say anything else at least. Harvey just let him be, but he found himself keeping close by just in case the kid needed him. He busied himself with calling Donna and checking his e-mails. 

Mike woke up with a jerk an hour or so later. He groaned out loud as he sat up. He swore a bit and inspected his chest. 

“You good?” Harvey asked. 

”Well, it doesn’t feel like my chest is on fire any more, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

“I will take that as a yes then.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Mike shakily stood up and Harvey restrained himself from going over there and help him. The kid slowly walked out of the room. He came back twenty minutes later dressed in a suit. 

“Are you sure you are up to going to work? I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” 

Mike just glared at him and passed him on his way to the door. Harvey just rolled his eyes and got his things. 

“Are you coming or what?” 

“I guess he’s up to it.” Harvey muttered to himself. 

They went to work in a cab, the trip was made in silence. Mike apparently didn’t want to talk, and Harvey just decided to leave him alone. 

They walked slowly together towards Harvey’s office. As soon as Donna saw them she stood up to meet them. She walked around her desk and went up to Mike, ignoring Harvey. 

“Hi sweetie, how are you doing?” she asked him as she put her hand on his shoulder. “I heard you had a rough morning.” Mike glared at Harvey at first but then turned his whole attention to Donna. Harvey shrugged his shoulders at him and went into his office. He sat down and watched the exchange between the two people outside.   
He couldn’t hear what they were saying since Donna kept her voice low, as did Mike. He saw that Donna was asking the kid something, and it didn’t take long until Mike’s body started to shake. Donna noticed right away and steered him behind her desk and let him sit down on her chair. Mike hid his face in his hands and Donna was sitting in front of him on her desk, and brought him towards her as she stroke his shaking back. Harvey sighed. Donna looked up at him right then, she looked like she was close to tears as well, and Harvey nodded towards her. The poor kid. But it was good that he felt okay with letting it out with Donna. He just wished he knew how to make Mike feel like it was okay to do it with him as well.

– SUITS –

Mike knew as soon as he saw Donna that he was going to lose it. The car ride into the office had been tense, with Harvey that kept glancing at him from his side of the car. They hadn’t talked either. He didn’t know why he was acting like this with Harvey. He knew he was acting like an idiot. He wasn’t really mad at Harvey, he just didn’t know what else to do. It had been really humiliating the whole changing the bandages thing. He hadn’t been able to keep his cool. It hurt so much that he hadn’t know what to do with himself. He had managed to not totally lose it at least. That was always something. But now it felt like his chest was once again on fire. The seatbelt in the cab had been agonizing, even though he had acted like it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t think that Harvey had noticed. 

Then when he saw Donna coming against him with her arms outstretched towards him he knew that the battle against his emotions he had fought all morning was going to be lost. And he kind of didn’t care at that point. 

Donna asked him again if he was okay, and he just told her the truth, how much it was hurting and how much he just wanted it to stop. He felt himself starting to shake then, and it was too much effort to stop it. She let him sit down on her chair and then she just hugged him carefully and whispered nice things in his ear. He just let it out. He didn’t care that they were in the middle of the office and that people could see them. So what?

– SUITS –


	27. Chapter 27

He was exhausted. He was pretty sure that Donna was the one thing that was holding him upright. He just wanted to lay down, on his back, and sleep. It had been a stupid idea to come here, but just the thought of spending the day alone at Harvey’s place made him want to cry again. He was a wreck. He was pretty sure he had a fever as well. Probably not good. 

”Mike, honey? Are you listening to me?” Donna was asking him. 

”No, sorry. What did you say?”

“I asked if you wanted to go and lay down?” She said.

”Yeah, okay.” He took the napkin she offered him and wiped his face with it. He followed her into Harvey’s office and sat down on the couch. Harvey didn’t say anything about it when Donna put a blanket over him and made him lay down. He really was tired. The couch was not that comfortable. It was too hard, but he wasn’t complaining. He felt a bit confused too. Like there was something he was supposed to do, or say, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. It was kind of stressful though. He shifted on the couch making the blanket slid down. 

Suddenly Harvey was standing next to him, the blanket in one hand. Without saying anything Harvey replaced the blanket over him and looked him in the eyes. “Get some sleep Mike.” Harvey said. He just nodded and closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax. If Harvey thought it was okay that he slept in his office, it was. 

He was woken by voices later, he had no idea of how long he had been sleeping, but he felt a bit better. 

“I didn’t mean to bother you guys, it was Louis who sent me I told you that.”

Mike stirred, and went to sit up. 

“Look, you woke him up.” Harvey muttered, and Rachel who was in Harvey’s office holding a blue file turned towards him. 

“Hi Mike. Sorry to wake you.” She said and smiled at him. 

“Hi. It’s okay.” He told her. 

”Are you doing alright? You don’t look so good.” She stepped a bit closer, ignoring Harvey who was muttering something behind her. 

“I’ve had better days.” He told her. That was so true. She nodded. 

“What’s wrong?” she looked concerned, with a little wrinkle on her forehead. He considered telling her. It would be the right thing to do, because it had been weeks now, and she still didn’t know anything. They hadn’t really seen each other that much any way. But honestly he didn’t have the energy to deal with her reaction at the moment. He was still tired, and even if it was a selfish reason, he decided to wait with telling her the truth. 

“I’ve been a bit under the weather.” He told her. It was true. Harvey snorted and Mike glared at him. Rachel looked like she didn’t believe him at all, but she didn’t say anything. She looked hurt, and Mike felt guilty. The longer he hid it from her the angrier she would be at him when he eventually told her.

“I hope you feel better Mike.” She said coldly and then left. Mike watched her go before he turned his attention to Harvey. 

“She is probably going to kill me when I do tell her.” 

“Probably.” Harvey agreed. 

”I’m going to tell her soon though.” 

“You do that.” Harvey absentmindedly said turning back to work.

Mike slept like four hours after that. Harvey woke him up and asked if he wanted lunch, he didn’t and tried to go back to sleep, but Donna came and forced him to eat, so he did. 

He was in a bad mood after that. His chest was aching again.

“You are like a kid woken from his nap.” Harvey complained, and Mike argued back until Harvey announced that Mike was just proving his point now.   
Mike knew he was annoying the other man, but didn’t really care. Eventually Harvey got fed up with him and sent him home, he didn’t care what Mike said. 

“Just go home and stay there Mike. It’s better for all of us.” He was saying. Mike got mad at him for saying that and left. Donna accompanied him and gave him his pills when they got to Harvey’s. 

“You are hurting, aren’t you?” She asked. He considered lying to her, but nodded when he looked into her eyes. Of course she knew what was up. She gave him painkillers and put him to bed. He did argue a bit with her then, but she wouldn’t have it. 

He was hurting, and it was pretty bad. He just laid in bed hugging a pillow to his chest the best he could because of the wounds on his chest, wishing it to pass. The painkillers only took the edge off it, not all the pain. He didn’t feel like doing anything else they lay there, so he did. Donna spoke to him some, but he was with his back against her, so she probably thought he was rude. She left after a while. He didn’t know where she was, but he didn’t bother to find out. 

It was a really boing day full of staring into the wall, sleeping and pain. It really sucked to just being able to lay like that, with nothing to do. He felt pretty sorry for himself, but at least he wasn’t sad, a bit angry if anything. 

Donna stayed the entire day, and had dinner with them. Mike wasn’t hungry, but both Harvey and Donna kept throwing him looks so he ate anyway. Mike announced that he was going to bed after dinner, and saw that the others shared a look with each other. 

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Harvey asked him. 

“No.” Mike said, even though he well knew what Harvey meant, instinctively he pulled a bit at his shirt that covered the bandages. 

“Sweetie…” Donna said, and he knew he had lost. He closed his eyes for a moment and then nodded. 

Apparently Harvey had asked for back up. 

The whole process went quicker this time. Donna’s task was obviously to distract him while Harvey changed the dressings on his chest. It wasn’t less painful this time, but Donna being there helped. She spoke to him the whole time and kept telling him to focus on her when his eyes flickered towards Harvey’s hands. 

He still ended up shaking and close to tears when it was over, his whole chest burning. He didn’t know what to do with himself, and now afterwards with both of them there looking at him like that, he felt embarrassed. 

He declined Donna’s offer of sitting with him when he went to bed in favor of laying there alone listening to the quiet voices of her and Harvey talking, undoubtedly about him. He regretted it later, but was too stubborn to go out to them and ask her back. He just had to suit himself that he said no in the first place. They didn’t come to check on him either. They were probably relieved that they didn’t have to deal with him anymore that night. 

– SUITS –

Donna took another sip of her drink and looked over at Harvey. 

”You look tired, Harvey.” 

He glanced back at her and sat up straighter. “I’m alright.” He tried to reassure her. 

”Your hands are still shaking.” She said gently. He looked down on his hands that was holding his own glass. The liquid rippled a bit. He put it down on the table and removed his hands out of her sight, and let out a deep breath. 

“It’s okay.” She said. “That shook me up too. You did good Harvey.”

“So did you. It went much better this time. Without you there…”

She nodded. ”Do you think he is okay?” she looked over towards the closed door. 

“Probably not.” Harvey sighed. ”But he wanted to be alone.” 

“Is it a good idea to let him be alone though? Is he equipped to know what he wants right now?” 

Harvey shrugged.

“He is like a whole different person sometimes. I almost don’t recognize him.”

“Can you blame him though? It must be incredibly hard for him to know how to deal with it all.” Donna said. 

“I try to act normal and try to make him feel like it’s okay that things are not what they was before, but I don’t know if it works.”

“I think he knows.” 

“He doesn’t show it. He tries to act all tough with me, but I can see on him that he feels like crap.”

“Again, can you blame him? He idolizes you and was working his ass off for you, and now he is trying to not to cry as you are changing bandages on his chest.” 

“Yeah, I get it. I’m not blaming him. I just wish that he would…”

”Would what? Become the old Mike again?” 

”Well, yes. I do wish that, but also that he would just talk to me!” 

“He does talk to you.”

“Not like he does with you.” 

“Well, I’m not you. I’m nice to him.” She smirked. 

”I’m nice to him!” He couldn’t help but get offended.

“Of course you are.” 

“I am.” He pouted. 

”Give him time Harvey. Try to see it from his perspective.” 

”Alright.” he sighed. ”You want me to call you a cab?”

“Sure.”

Give him time. That’s what Donna had said, Harvey thought later when he was getting ready to go to bed himself. He had just checked on Mike, and the kid was sleeping flat on his back. He thought that he had been giving Mike a lot of time. He had told him again and again that they were in this together. He just hoped Mike got it. Sure, Harvey understood that he was in pain from the chest wounds, but he still didn’t like the way the kid distanced himself from him after he changed the bandages. Like Mike was pissed at him, for being the one to cause him pain. He knew Mike probably wasn’t, but it kind of seemed like he was. But so be it, it had to be done. 

Mike had a hospital appointment the next day, so in the morning they decided that Mike would stay at home. 

“You don’t want me to come with you then?” Harvey asked him while they were having breakfast. 

“No, it’s fine.” Mike said. ”You have a meeting, right? Didn’t you say that Louis can barely handle things without you.”

“Oh, he is doing okay. It’s just that the clients prefer me over him.” 

“Of course they do.” 

“I’ll send a car to pick you up and drop you off later then.” Harvey decided and Mike nodded, staring down in his cereal. 

“We can watch a movie tonight if you want.” Harvey offered. 

“Okay.” Mike said without looking up, and Harvey felt frustrated. He was trying here. They still had the bandages to get through. He dreaded it. He almost wanted to accidently forget it and leave, but just couldn’t. Mike’s health wouldn’t benefit from it. 

Mike refused to say a word during the entire process. He just laid there with clenched jaws looking anywhere else but at Harvey. He hissed as Harvey pulled a bit too harsh on one of the bandages.

“Sorry. I was kind of stuck.”

Mike looked away.

“It looks somewhat better though. At least a few of them.” He told Mike, who didn’t answer.

When Harvey was done, he patted Mike’s shoulder and offered to help him up. Mike ignored his outstretched hand and sat up by himself. 

“You okay?” Harvey asked. 

”What do you think?” Mike said and left for the bathroom. Harvey just shook his head and remembered Donna’s words from last night. Give him time. But now Mike was really giving him the cold shoulder and he had no idea why. Had he done something to piss the kid off? The answer to that was no. 

He considered leaving without saying goodbye to Mike, because he was taking forever in the bathroom, and he was going to be late to the office. 

He banged the door. “You passed out or something?” He joked, only to have Mike open the door in his face. 

“What?” He said. ”I thought you were in a hurry.” 

Harvey wanted to strangle him a little bit. 

“I am now, thanks to you.” He said.

Mike just gave him a look and pushed past him on his way to his room, and Harvey regretted his words. It wasn’t Mike’s fault, and he hadn’t wanted to make him feel guilty about something that wasn’t. He went after him. 

“Okay, Mike I didn’t mean that.” And Mike stopped in the door way. They locked eyes with each other. Mike looked sad. 

”I’ll see you later Harvey.” He said and went into his room and closed the door behind him leaving Harvey standing there feeling stupid. He debated with himself of what to do, but then left calling goodbye to the kid without getting a reply. 

This whole morning had sucked. He talked it over with Donna, who said that she was going to give Mike a call and see if she could find out what was up with him. He didn’t mention the part of him accusing Mike of being late. He didn’t think she’d like that, and he wasn’t exactly proud of it. 

Donna came into his office later and reported that Mike had claimed that he was okay, only tired. 

“He said he isn’t mad at you, and wanted me to tell you that. What was that about?” 

“Good. Did you call Hansson back?” 

“Way to change the subject. But yes I did.” 

– SUITS –

It was pretty late when Harvey got home again. Mike had made dinner, and was just about to start eat by himself when Harvey came. 

“Were you starting without me?” he asked and got himself the second plate of food, and held his hand above it to determine if he needed to reheat it or not. He decided it was warm enough and sat down across from Mike. 

“How did the meeting go?” Mike asked, and Harvey told him about it. He didn’t really listen that much though. Truth be told he didn’t really care all that much, but it was nice to just have a normal conversation. Harvey didn’t ask him how his day was, so he didn’t have to come up with a lie, or worse tell the truth and cause an uncomfortable moment where Harvey had to come up with something encouraging to say to him. He wouldn’t believe him anyway, and Harvey wouldn’t really mean it. 

He felt pretty down today. The morning hadn’t started well, and he had regretted his behavior towards Harvey. But he still felt a bit rejected when he woke up. He had really thought that Harvey would come and at least say goodnight to him the night before, but he hadn’t. 

Mike had gone to the hospital to have a treatment session, but his values was not good enough so they didn’t want to go through with it and sent him home again. He also had a slight fever, which never was a good thing. He would go back in two day. He didn’t mention this to Harvey at first. It was first later when they were on the couch that Harvey asked.

“How did treatment go? You seem pretty good.” 

“I didn’t have it.”

Harvey sat straighter up and looked at him. “What? Why not?”

“I had a fever.” 

“So they wouldn’t let you do it?”

“No.” Mike just shrugged and focused on the TV, he noticed that Harvey shook his head at him.

“Alright. Tell me if you feel worse.” He said and looked back at the papers in his lap. 

“I’m heading off to bed.” Harvey stood up and woke Mike up a bit more, he had almost fallen asleep. 

“Oh, is it late?”

“Yep. You should too. You look like shit. Are you okay? Need a hand?”

“No, I got it.” At least he thought so. He slowly sat up. 

Harvey paused for a second. 

“I almost forgot. Do you need me to change the dressings?” He pointed towards Mike’s chest. 

“No, it’s fine. They did it at the hospital. Tomorrow though…”

“Yeah, okay. Well, goodnight then Mike. See you tomorrow, kid.”

“Okay, good night.” 

He watched as Harvey walked towards the bathroom. He quelled the urge of calling him back. Suddenly he just wanted to go with him. He didn’t want to go to bed. It was going to be dark and lonely and he already felt like crap. At least he wasn’t hurting. He had earlier today which also had been a reason for him not going through with treatment. They had told him that the amount of pain killers he had taken most likely had caused the bad values. So basically it had been his own fault. He was screwing up the treatment now. If you thought about it, it was like he was killing himself, because if he didn’t get the treatment he would die. 

He had been thinking a lot about that today, dying. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do. He had tried, but it had been hard to keep the bad thoughts out. He wished he could just shut his brain off. He wished he could shut it off so that he didn’t have to think anymore. He didn’t want to think because it just made him feel bad. He didn’t want to feel bad. 

He just wanted like one good day, was that so much to ask for? Or actually it wasn’t true, he wanted all days to be good, but that wasn’t going to happen. He had nothing to look forward to. Nothing. It was just endless hospital visits and then it was the side effects or just general effects of the cancer. 

He walked over to the windows and looked out over the city for a while. Harvey really did have a nice view. At least that was something. For his place he just overlooked a brick wall. This was better. 

He could hear Harvey shutting off the shower and thought of going to him and actually tell him that he was feeling worse. Because he really was. He felt the familiar feeling of his eyes watering, but he didn’t let it reach that far. He bit is tongue to stop it.

But he just couldn’t go to Harvey. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what he wanted Harvey to do, because it wasn’t really that much the older man could do. Right? It was too late now anyway because Harvey was already in his bedroom. Mike went to his.

The covers were cold, he was freezing, feeling like he never would get warm. He had turned out the light, so the room was dark. He could barely see anything, and he didn’t like that. But he wasn’t going to admit to himself or anyone else that he was afraid of dark, because he wasn’t. He wasn’t five years old. But he still didn’t like it. Lots of people didn’t like that dark. It wasn’t the same thing as being scared he convinced himself. 

He couldn’t fall asleep. He couldn’t relax. He couldn’t do anything as usual. He sucked. 

He put his left hand to the side of his chest and pressed against his ribs and stayed as still as he could. He could feel his heart beating in there. It was still working. That was good. It was still keeping him alive. Sometimes he just hated his heart. Why was it doing this? Was he such a bad host to it that it didn’t want to be inside him anymore? 

Where did he get that from? He cursed himself. His heart didn’t have its own will. It was just bad luck that he got cancer in it. Nothing else. Right?   
Or maybe he just got what he deserved. His own heart was killing him, and he would leave nothing behind. No one would miss him that much. Sure Harvey and Donna would for a while maybe. But then Harvey would find a new associate that he would harass, because Harvey would compare that person to him, and Mike with his mind had been fast and good at his job. He wasn’t anymore. He couldn’t do anything anymore. 

He was crying now. He didn’t bother to try and stop the tears from running down his cheeks and down into the pillow. Soon he could feel cold spots on it when he moved his head a bit. He tried to be quiet. He didn’t want Harvey to hear him. Harvey would just feel awkward, he wouldn’t know what to do or say probably, because Mike didn’t really have a reason to cry like this. But he did. 

He could’t stop. Also, he didn’t know if he wanted to either. He buried himself deeper in the pillow and just let it out. He just felt so sad. The sadness was just bubbling up inside of him, it felt like it got worse and worse the longer he was lying there. His chest was aching with sadness. Like something in there just wanted to rush out but his ribs kept it locked in there. 

He wanted it to end. He wanted to stop now. It must have been hours. He was so tired, but also to wound up to be able to relax. He didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t have the answers. He wanted help. He wished that someone would come and help him and take it all away. He couldn’t do this.   
Harvey was sleeping in the next room. Why couldn’t he come? Why couldn’t he sense that Mike needed him? Because that was true he realized. He needed Harvey right now. He wanted him. 

What would Harvey do if he went to him? Would he be angry? It was in the middle of the night, and Harvey had to work tomorrow. What if he just told him to go back to bed? What if he didn’t want to help? Mike couldn’t take that. He wouldn’t be able to take that. But Harvey wouldn’t do that, would he? 

I want to you come to me, Harvey had told him that, actually more times than one. Harvey had even been angry about it. Would he be mad if Mike went now, because he had waited too long? Maybe Harvey would be mad because he didn’t say anything sooner? 

He was drawing deep breaths now, so deep and harsh it hurt and his pillow was cold. He struggled to sit up. He had to try. If Harvey got mad, Mike would remind him of what he had said, he would do that tomorrow. Because if he got mad now, Mike would collapse. It was so cold in the room when he got rid of his cover, he considered taking it with him, but it was too heavy. 

He felt weak when he was standing, almost like he was going to faint. But the dizzy spell passed and he stumbled in the direction of Harvey’s bedroom. He was shaking from both cold and nervousness when he reached to older mans bed. 

He could see that Harvey was sleeping on his side with his back against Mike.

“Har-vey?” he said. Nothing happened, and he almost let out a sob. Why didn’t he wake? Because you weren’t loud enough, he told himself and tried again. “Harvey?” his voice sounded bad, hoarse. 

This time however Harvey stirred and turned on his back and looked up at him. When he saw Mike standing there he reach out and turned the light on and then sat up. 

“Mike? What’s up?” he said as he blinked against the bright light. 

Mike realized that he must look terrible because as soon as Harvey got a good look at him, his face turned into shock and he quickly got more alert. He got out of bed and walked over to Mike and stopped in front of him. 

“Hey? What’s wrong kid? Mike, what is it?”

Mike didn’t know what to say now. He just didn’t know. He hadn’t thought this through. He just bit his lip hard and stared down into the floor feeling so embarrassed. 

“Come here, sit down.” Harvey took his arm and pushed him down on the bed. “I need to know what’s going on Mike. Are you in pain?” Harvey grabbed his shoulders and tried to meet his eyes. “Hey?” he shook him a bit. “Do I need to call for help?”

Mike hurried to shake his head. Oh god, Harvey thought he was dying or something, and he was just sad. It was pathetic. He didn’t want to tell Harvey that! 

“Okay, but you got to talk to me kid.” Harvey let go of him, and Mike sagged a bit. The older man sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Mike just shook his head again and wiped some tears away.

“Take your time.” Harvey whispered then. Mike just sat there and tried not to break down completely. What was wrong with him? 

He briefly lifted his hand and put it over Harvey’s on his shoulder. Just to feel it there. Harvey was really there. 

He was just sitting on Harvey’s bed and crying. He knew that he had to do something otherwise Harvey would freak out, or take him back to Mike’s own bed. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay like this until it felt better. He just didn’t know how long that would take. 

“Mike?” Harvey said and it caused him to flinch and quickly look up at Harvey’s worried face. He really did look worried. He stared down into the floor again. “So…sorry.” He whispered. 

“No, don’t be. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” 

When Mike didn’t answer Harvey said “Do you understand?” And it really sounded like Harvey thought it was okay, so Mike nodded. Maybe Harvey really thought so. Maybe he should just believe him. He was supposed to trust Harvey. He did trust Harvey. 

“I can’t sleep.” he said. It was true. 

“Okay.”

“I’m sad.” he whispered it so quietly that he didn’t know if Harvey heard it or not. 

“Yeah, I kind of get that kid.” Harvey chuckled, but he moved his hand from Mike’s shoulder to his back, and stroke it. He did it a few times, until Mike allowed himself to relax a bit more. He suddenly noticed that he was shaking. He tried to stop. But then he just let go, because Harvey didn’t stop, and he was sitting next to him and stroking his back, and helping. He stopped fighting to hold the sobs back and just let it go. 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Harvey whispered and Mike felt him shift closer to him on the bed. He put his arm around his back and dragged Mike towards his chest and Mike just let him. A few minutes they sat like this. 

“One second.” Harvey said then, and got up from the bed, but before Mike had time to reflect on that Harvey was back with some tissues. “You need this.” He said. Mike did. Then Harvey sat down in the same position again, and Mike was just so grateful. Harvey wasn’t mad. How could he ever think that he would be? 

– SUITS –

At first he wasn’t sure if something had woken him or not. He stared out into the darkness and listened. 

“Harvey?” It was Mike! Mike was there in his bedroom. He could immediately hear on his voice that something was very wrong, and he got worried straight away. The worried only increased when he got a look at Mike. He looked terrible. His face red, and eyes glazed over. Tears were gathered in his eyes and his breath was hitching. He looked like he was going to pass out at any moment, so Harvey hurried to get him to sit down on his bed. 

Mike wouldn’t answer any of his questions, and Harvey was terrified that the kid was having a heart attack right in front of him! First when Mike shook his head, Harvey forced himself to calm down, and release the breath he didn’t realize that he had been holding. 

Then Mike whispered that he was sad, and Harvey’s heart broke a little for the younger man. He had been relieved at first when he understood that Mike wasn’t in any pain, but he had been wrong. It was just a different kind of pain. The word depression flowed through Harvey’s brain. He had almost forgotten about that. They hadn’t really talked about it much more, other things had been in the way. But they should probably talk about it at some point. It was serious after all. Mike was taking medication for it, but that didn’t mean it just went away. Maybe this was connected to that. 

Mike was crying now. His whole form radiated devastation, the way he curled into himself as much as he could. When Harvey had put a hand on Mike’s shoulder for comfort Mike had touched his hand for a short while. He had looked almost amazed for a second, and it made Harvey incredibly sad. But he was glad to, because Mike had come to him. Mike was here, asking for help now. Well, he wasn’t really asking for anything, he was just silently crying next to him. 

Harvey was stroking his back in small circles. He hoped it was helping. He could feel his spine at every stroke. He didn’t want this for Mike. He really wanted to make it all better. He just wanted Mike to let him. So far he didn’t really think that Mike had done that. This was one step in the right direction. A terrible step because how upset Mike was, but maybe it would get better because of it if Harvey managed to get Mike to understand that it was okay. 

After a while Mike’s sobs lowered in volume and intensity some and Harvey thought they probably should talk some. 

“Hey Mike” he started quietly. “Do you want to talk about it?” But Mike shook his head. 

“I just…I just want to sit here.” He said, and Harvey nodded.

“Anything I can do?”

“Sit here too?” 

“Sure.” And they did. 

“I… I couldn’t relax,” Mike started then. “I kept thinking on all these things, and I couldn’t stop.” 

“What were you thinking about?” 

“Just… bad things.” 

“Come on give me something…”

“I don’t know. About getting worse, feeling bad, dying…” 

“Okay.” Harvey whispered.

“What if my heart can’t take it?” 

“It will.”

“What if it stops?” 

“Then we’ll start it up again. Don’t worry about that.”

Mike let out a shuddering breath and hid his face in his hands. He started crying again, and Harvey wasn’t sure if he had helped. 

“I just, I just can’t…” Mike got out. “I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“I want it to stop. I don’t want to feel like this…” 

Harvey swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment where he was beside Mike, still a hand on his back. He wished that there was something he could do to just make it stop for the younger man, but he didn’t know what that would be.

“I know. I know” he whispered. 

“Harvey…”

“I’m here.”

Mike cried harder then, and Harvey just wished that he knew what to do to make him stop. Mike sagged even more than before, and it almost looked like he was going to fall off the bed. He should probably get him to lay down. “You must be exhausted Mike. We should get you back into bed.” 

”No…” Mike moaned and tried to move away from his hand. 

“At least lay down then.” 

Mike agreed to that, and let Harvey help him down in a laying position. 

The kid was warm to the touch. Harvey felt Mike’s forehead. Yep, just as he suspected, he had a fever. ”You are pretty warm.” He kindly said.

“No, I feel cold.” 

“You have a fever, that’s why.” 

“Okay.”

“You know what, I think you should try and get some sleep and you will feel better tomorrow. What do you think?”

“But…Harvey please.”

“What Mike?” He put a hand on his shoulder, Mike was looking up at him with wet eyes. 

“I just want…” he paused and looked away. “I want…” he looked like he was about to get into another round of sobbing, and Harvey hurriedly asked what he wanted. 

”I want to stay with you… It’s helping.” He mumbled, staring to his side.

”Okay, you’re staying.” Harvey said. He was secretly thrilled at Mike’s words. It was helping, whatever it was, Mike felt that is was helping. That was such a relief, because Mike seemed so devastated just a moment ago that he didn’t think that anything was ever going to help. But he just wanted to stay with Harvey. He felt kind of touched actually. The trust Mike put into him was touching. And he thought that Harvey was able to help him coup with something that must really put a lot of weight on his mind. If sharing a bed was going to help that was what they were going to do. He hadn’t been planning on leaving Mike alone anyway, like Mike apparently thought he would. 

“I’ll get you something for the fever and some water, okay? I’ll be right back.”

He also got Mike’s cover from his bed, and laid it out over him, helped him to drink the water to swallow the medication. Mike had stopped crying, but he was drawing shuddering breaths. His eyes was following Harvey’s movements while he blinked tiredly. 

Eventually Harvey laid down next to the kid under his own cover. He looked over at the kid and saw that he had his head turned against him. 

“You think you can get some sleep now?” He asked. 

“I think so.” Mike whispered, and as if commanded his eyes fluttered shut, before he forced open again. He took a few deep breaths, and again wiped a few tears away. “Thank you Harvey.” 

“Thank you, Mike.”

“For what?”

“Coming to me when you were in trouble.”

Mike just nodded, and his eyes closed again. They didn’t say anything else that night. Harvey had some trouble falling asleep. He laid there and listened to how Mike’s shuddering breaths eventually calmed down and evened out as he fell asleep. Poor kid. He really felt bad for him. He also felt a bit guilty. Guilty for not noticing that anything was wrong earlier that night. Guilty for not preventing it from getting this bad for Mike. But how was he supposed to know?

Mike didn’t tell him anything. He had practically been avoiding him this morning. How was he supposed to know that Mike needed him? 

At least he would consider it a win that Mike came, that he was here now. They were sharing a bed. He wasn’t going to tell Jessica that, maybe not Donna either. That would be embarrassing. But it didn’t feel embarrassing now. It felt right. It was what Mike had needed, to be close to him. Or just to be close to anyone else probably. He just had needed to not be alone. And now he wasn’t. That was a win for certain. 

\- SUITS -


	28. Chapter 28

When he first woke up he was confused. For a second he didn’t know where he was, but then he recognized Harvey’s bedroom. Oh god, he was in Harvey’s bed. For a moment he just started up into the ceiling in shock, trying to grasp the fact. He blinked then and turned his head towards Harvey’s side of the bed. It was empty, but it seemed like Harvey recently had gotten up. A look at the clock on the nightstand told him that it was late morning. He had actually slept the whole night for a change. He had been truly exhausted when he fell asleep last night so it wasn’t that strange he guessed.

He had actually gone to Harvey last night. He had gone to him for help and had received it. He had felt comforted by Harvey. He had felt better. It was just what he had wanted last night, what he had needed, and Harvey understood. 

It felt like he only had been asleep for a few hours even though he had slept the entire night, without nightmares. He was just so tired. His chest was kind of hurting too, but if he just stayed still it didn’t bother him that much. 

He didn’t have the energy to get up and see where Harvey was. He was probably in the kitchen. He would be back soon. Mike was sure of it. 

Harvey had probably been a bit freaked out by his behavior last night. He had been crying his eyes out for god sakes. But he was too tired to care. Even breathing felt tiring, like his chest had to work hard just to rise up and down. Hopefully it wasn’t anything to worry about. He decided to wait here until something happened. 

– SUITS –

Mike was still peacefully asleep next to him when Harvey woke up. A couple of times during the night Harvey had woken up and found himself turning on the light just to check on the kid. Every time had been the same. He had turned off his phone last night before he fell asleep, so that the alarm or potential calls wouldn’t wake Mike up. That’s why it was already nine thirty when he woke up. After reassuring himself that Mike was in fact okay, he got up.

Donna was very worried when he called her, she told him she had called four times already, two times to Mike’s phone as well. Later when he checked his email he saw one from her as well. 

He told her about what happened last night and she congratulated him on doing what was right, as she phrased it. She also promised to rearrange a few meetings and let Louis know that he wasn’t coming in. Then he made breakfast. 

Mike was awake when he went to check on him. He was blinking slowly up at the ceiling. 

“Hi kid.” Mike turned his head slowly against him and blinked some more. “Hi.” He said. 

”How are you doing?” Harvey asked and stepped into the room and took a seat on his bed. Mike gave him a tired smile.

“Better than last night” he said honestly. “I’m tired.” He added.

Harvey nodded. He really wanted to talk to the kid. 

“And how do you feel about last night?” He asked, watching how Mike started to blush. He expected Mike to tell him that he was embarrassed, but he didn’t. 

“You helped me.” He said, and Harvey didn’t really know what to answer to that. “That’s good.” He said. 

”Mike, listen. I want to you to come to me when you are upset like that, okay. I will always help you then.” 

“But I feel stupid. “ There it was, just what he had been waiting for. 

“You don’t have to care about that. You feeling stupid is pretty low on the priority list if you are feeling sad like you did last night.”

Mike just stared at him, and Harvey wasn’t sure that he had made himself understood. 

“What I wanted to say was that it is okay if you come to me when you feel sad, or depressed, or upset. I want you to come. I want to help.” These were words that Harvey truly never had said to anyone else ever before, and meant them like he did now. 

He was reworded with yet another tired smile from Mike. “Thank you.” He said. ”That means a lot Harvey.”

Harvey smiled back.

“It is hard during the nights sometimes. I get to thinking about things, and it makes me upset…or sad.” Mike continued. Harvey nodded, he just had one more question that he really wanted the answer to. 

“Why haven’t you been coming to me before Mike? You were so upset yesterday, kid. If that has happened before, and you only came to be first last night… What was different this time?”

Mike got quiet for a long time before he spoke.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore last night.” he said, avoiding looking at Harvey. “I just wanted you to help me last night. I needed help. And you said before that I could come to you.” 

”Exactly. Why didn’t you before?”

“Harvey…”

“No, Mike. I want to know.”

“Oh so what?” Mike sounded annoyed now. ”You want me to come to you every single night then, huh? Because then I would, because I feel like crap every damn night. I just got sick of it yesterday, I couldn’t do it anymore.” 

“Yes I do.” Harvey stood up. ”I don’t want you to fucking wait until you can’t take it anymore, if you need to come every single night, you do!”

Mike shockingly looked up at him. Harvey realized that he had stood up, and sat down again. 

“Whatever it is that’s keeping you from asking for my help, just…just forget it. It’s not important. What’s important is how you feel. I don’t want you to feel like that, like you did yesterday. Not if I can prevent it. Not if I can help in some way, in any way.”

Mike just looked at him with a shocked expression, his mouth gaping. Harvey rolled his eyes. “Yes, this is me talking. Don’t look like that.” 

”Okay…” 

”Mike.” 

”I’m just so shocked, I’m having trouble taking this in. Maybe I have a brain tumor as well now. Am I hallucinating this?” 

Harvey couldn’t help but smirk a bit. “Very funny.” He said. ”I’m serious though, Mike.”

Mike’s expression changed from amused to serious. “I know.” He said. ”Thank you so much, Harvey.”

”You don’t have to thank me, Mike.” 

”I really appreciate it though. I don’t know what I would do…” he stopped and looked away again. 

“I know.” Harvey countered. ”I don’t even want to think about where you would be.” He laughed a bit and saw that Mike was smiling as well. This was a really good talk, Harvey decided. 

“You want to talk more feelings or are you going to sleep some more?” He asked. 

“I’ll think I’ll sleep some more.” 

“Good choice. I’ll be just outside.” Mike nodded and closed his eyes. 

Harvey sat down by the table, and felt quite proud of himself. He had really gotten Mike to open up just now. At least a little bit. One step at the time, he reminded himself. 

Mike came out into the living room two hours later. His hair messy and with glassy eyes in his flushed face. 

“You have a fever, don’t you?” Harvey asked when he slumped down on the couch. Mike rolled his eyes. “Yeah I guess I do.” 

”Go and take your meds then, and I will help you with the dressings.”

“Come on, I just woke up.”

“And?”

Mike couldn’t really come up with a good comeback, so he just did what he was told. Harvey didn’t really want to do the bandages, because Mike seemed to be in a pretty good mood. 

“You know how much this hurts?” He groaned ten minutes later when he was stretched out on the couch in front of Harvey with his shirt open. He was gripping a blanket in his fist just to hold on to something. 

“Yeah, you keep telling me.”

“It’s like you are peeling my skin off.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Harvey muttered. 

”No, I know you have to do it. I would do it myself, I probably can…”

“I don’t mind Mike.”

“Okay. Oww...”

”Sorry. This one is kind of stuck. I’m going to pull, okay?”

Unfortunately the process left Mike close to tears yet again. Harvey helped him sit up after he was done, and watched how Mike was biting his lip and breathing hard. He put a hand on Mike shoulder and kept it there until his breathing evened out. 

“Thanks.” Mike whispered and managed a smile. ”That sucked.” 

“It did.” 

“Watch a movie?” Mike asked hopefully. And Harvey agreed, work could wait.

They spent the day like that. Harvey got them something to eat and they did in front of the TV. Mike of course, refused to eat much, but Harvey let him off the hook since he had a fever. Mike also threatened with throwing everything back up, on the couch. He did not want that! 

Mike slept after that. Harvey got a lot of work done. He spent almost an hour out on the balcony on the phone with different people. Mike amazingly slept for about four hours before he stirred. He claimed that he felt better and Harvey believed the thermometer that told them the same thing. 

It got a bit awkward when it was time for them to go to bed. Harvey helped Mike with changing the bandages, this time with the TV on as a distraction. It worked somewhat okay. After that Harvey figured that he should approach the subject of Mike getting upset at night, but didn’t really know how but eventually just asked him straight out.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” 

Mike immediately blushed and looked away. “Harvey…” he groaned.

“What? What is it now?”

”Oh come on.”

“Yeah, you want me to or not?”

“It’s fine.” He added when Mike didn’t answer. ”Until you fall asleep maybe? I don’t want you to be upset Mike.” 

“Okay, fine.” Mike said then. He still wouldn’t look at Harvey when he was in bed and Harvey was standing there in the room a bit unsure of what to do. It wasn’t like he had done this before, and he suspected Mike was just as uncomfortable as he was. 

“Oh, don’t just stand there. I’ll never fall asleep if you do. That’s kind of creepy.” Harvey rolled his eyes.

“What would you like me to do then?” 

”Just go and work or something.” Mike waved against the desk.

“I don’t want to work all the time.” Harvey muttered, but went to the desk anyway. Some files were already there. They weren’t exactly that relevant, but he guessed it couldn’t hurt looking through them. He did for about five minutes before he got sick of it.

“You know, this is just weird, and you ordering me to work like that. I don’t know if I appreciate that.” He turned around to face Mike only to discover that the kid was already dead to the world. Mike had fallen asleep straight away. Well, that was easy. 

At the same time he couldn’t help but feeling a bit sad. It had been so easy, just a couple of minutes of his time, but instead Mike hadn’t said anything to him, and spent hours trying to fall asleep by himself. He watched the kid sleep for a moment. He really looked like a kid, or the bed was too big. He acted like a kid as well, not that he could help it, and Harvey didn’t blame him. He called Mike kid a lot these days, it just felt right. And not that he would admit it to anyone, but Mike kind of was his kid now. After all Harvey was the person Mike turned to now when he needed help, or felt sad as yesterday. And Harvey looked out for him, fed him, comforted him and now apparently he sat with him until he fell asleep. He would have never imagine himself doing stuff like this to someone else, at least not his own employee. Weird how things can turn out. 

– SUITS –

He got better during the next few days. They told him so at the hospital as well when he went there for another try at a treatment session. His values were much better than last time and he even got a hug from one of the nurses for doing such a great job as she said. He blushed a bit and hugged her back. Her name was Amanda and she was one of his favorite nurses. He had a lot of contact with her and she was there almost every time he came in. he had a lot of nurses, but Amanda was the one who scheduled his appointments and treatments, and also there to translate the medical talk from his doctors. She was pretty great actually. She made things easier, and what else do you want from a nurse? Mike didn’t ask for much else. 

Harvey let him come to work with him when the fever was gone. He felt pretty good about it and managed to do some good. Harvey even said so himself.

“I still have a brain.” Mike muttered when Harvey seemed surprised that he had gotten through a lot more briefs then Harvey originally assigned to him. 

His comment was rewarded with another bunch of files and he was told to put his head to use then. They stayed pretty late that day, and only left after Donna had threatened them. She wouldn’t hear Mike’s protest that he was doing fine. But Donna changed tactics and had walked over to Harvey and whispered something in his ear. Mike thought that he actually could see Harvey pale a bit as he listen to her. She walked away to her desk after that, and Harvey rose from his desk. 

“Okay, let’s go Mike.”

“What did she tell you?” Mike asked after they had said good night to a pleased looking Donna and headed for the elevators. 

“That’s none of your concern.” Was all he got out of Harvey. 

The wounds on Mike’s chest had also healed to some extent. He had gotten some sort of super cream that according to his nurse worked wonders. It actually kind of   
did. The dressing only had to be changed once a day now, and the wounds were smaller, so they used bigger dressings that covered a larger area of his chest. In that way the glue that made them stuck to him didn’t need to be applied on as much damaged skin as before, making the process less painful. 

He felt better in his mind as well, not sure of how else to express it. He wasn’t dead tired either, it was only after chemo he felt like crap. Throwing up was never nice. He got to stay on the couch the most recent time. Harvey was there the whole time and helped him to drink some and take his pills. He kindly complained that Mike’s retching noises made him miss parts of the dialogue of the movie that they were watching. Mike threw a pillow at him, but missed. Harvey just smirked and picked it up and put it back on the couch. 

Mike got to come with Harvey to a client meeting the next day. It was at the firm so they didn’t have to go anywhere, which was good. Harvey probably would have left him with Donna otherwise. Mike hadn’t failed to notice that Harvey didn’t really let him be alone much now, which was good. The meeting went good, he didn’t fall asleep and could even add some things. He could see something on Harvey’s face when he did, that he hadn’t seen in a long time. It made him want to keep trying harder. He hated how the cancer made him act sometimes, and with that the way Harvey looked at him. That look also made him want to fight it harder. He didn’t want it to defeat him. It was just hard to not let it affect him. 

That night he was so exhausted he fell asleep at the dinner table while he waited for Harvey to finish cooking. He woke up when Harvey put the plate down in front of him. 

“Did you have a nice nap?” Harvey asked as he started on his own food and Mike drowsily sat up straighter. 

“Sure. You took too long. I got bored.” 

Harvey just rolled his eyes. “Eat your food.” 

It was Friday and Harvey had three meetings that day, and he thought that Mike should work from home that day. Mike reluctantly agreed and then Harvey told him what to do. He was to answer his phone every time Harvey called, he had to take all his meds, he had to rest, and he wasn’t to leave in the apartment. 

“Seriously, Harvey! I’m not a ten year old, I’ll be fine, go to your meetings.” 

“Yeah, I agree you are more like an eight year old.” 

“Haha. Very funny.”

“Donna will step by with lunch.”

“That’s not necessary. I can cook something for myself.”

“Okay, you can call and tell her that yourself.”

“I guess it would be nice with some company.”

“Yep. Call if you there is something.” 

“Okay…” 

After Harvey had left Mike found that Harvey hadn’t left him any work to do. He suspected it was on purpose, and got that confirmed when he called Harvey and told him that, and all Harvey said was that he had forgotten. He just watched some TV until Donna came with lunch. 

The next day Harvey had another meeting, even though it was the weekend, so Mike was left by himself again. He didn’t mind that much actually. He didn’t feel alone or anything this time, which was good. He didn’t want to deal with that. 

Harvey had been gone for about two hours when he started to feel bored. He didn’t want to watch TV or read, and it wasn’t much else to do. He almost felt kind of normal, and it would be nice to head out some. It was ages ago since he had done something else then just sitting on Harvey couch, or laying in his bed or spending time at the hospital. Maybe he could head out some, if he just took it easy it would be fine. 

He decided it probably was a good idea to call Harvey and let him know of his plans. However Harvey didn’t think it was a good idea at all. 

“No way, you are staying home. There is nothing to discuss Mike.” He said and proceeded with practically declare him an idiot for even thinking of it. Harvey hung up before he had a change to argue back and tell him he felt fine.

He couldn’t believe Harvey. He actually wouldn’t let him do anything when he thought about it. It was not like he was going to drop dead just because he went out by himself for an hour or so. He did it all the time anyway and Harvey was fine with that. Sure it was when he went to and from the hospital but this wasn’t that big of a difference. It wasn’t like he was going to go for a work-out or anything. It was just that it was really nice weather outside for a change and he thought it would be nice to just go to the park for a bit, maybe do some shopping. Buy some food would be nice. Harvey practically did everything in the house so Mike thought that buy some groceries was the least he could do. 

He decided to do just that. If he did it now, Harvey wouldn’t notice anyway. Except he would notice that they had food in the fridge, and he probably would be pissed then, but then Mike would just tell him that he was worrying for nothing because nothing had happened. 

It was kind of strange to walk outside just for the sake of it. He hadn’t done that in forever. Which was almost sad. He went for a little walk around the block, thinking that the fresh air would do him some good. After that he went to a store close by and ended up buying quite a lot. The bag was pretty heavy, and he noticed that he wasn’t use to carry heavy things. He was getting a bit out of breath, and his arm was aching, so he had to switch to the other quite often. His breathing didn’t improve, and he was getting kind of nervous now. It was probably a ten minute walk back to Harvey’s. Now he was starting to think that maybe he wouldn’t be able to make it that far with the bag and everything. He kind of wanted to sit down, but there wasn’t a bench or anything in sight. 

Damn it, Harvey was going to be so smug now because he was right, this hadn’t been a good idea. He was panting now, and it was getting harder to breath. Shit, what should he do? Should he just leave the bag? Or maybe he could take it slower?

Should he call Harvey? He would be so pissed, and it would be so embarrassing. No, he could do it. 

No, he couldn’t. He had only walked for like two minutes and he was really panting, and was feeling dizzy. He knew he was in trouble. He was having trouble focusing now, everything was starting to get blurry. People were passing him on the street and he accidentally bumped into a woman, who just swore at him and told him to watch it. Shit! What should he do? He dropped the bag of groceries and felt around for his phone in his pocket. The screen was all blurry. He needed to sit down. Now!  
He did, right there on the ground, with the city buzzing around him. He felt small and scared. He shouldn’t have walked out. He needed help. He wasn’t sure if he had said it out loud because suddenly someone was touching his shoulder asking him something. He couldn’t focus and he passed out with the feeling of someone grabbing his shoulders and screaming. 

He woke up in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask on. He was told that everything was fine, and the world faded to black again. 

He came to a bit more after some time. He had no idea how long. He had a nasal cannula and IV, he was also connected to a heart monitor, which wasn’t really a surprise. He was alone in a hospital room. He felt pretty okay now. His breathing was back to normal. 

The next thing he knew a nurse walked into his room and told him that he had been picked up from the side of the street after another pedestrian had called an ambulance for him. How embarrassing. He asked about Harvey and she didn’t know anything about him. Before he had time to do anything about that, a doctor came by and he got a small lecture about lifting heavy things and walking long distances. Mike thought that he already knew that that had been a bad idea, but was told so about three times more anyway. He was told that he didn’t need to stay the night unless his condition declined within the next hour or so. Otherwise he would be able to go home again when his body had composed itself enough. If Harvey would have him that was, he was going to be so pissed. 

His phone was on his nightstand and when he picked it up he swore a little. He had eleven missed calls from Harvey and four texts. He immediately felt guilty for making the older man worry. He hadn’t really been fair to Harvey. He knew he was just trying to look out for him. But it just got a bit much, but this was a pretty cruel punishment for Harvey. He dialed his boss’ number.

Harvey picked up after the first signal. “Mike?” he breathed. 

“Yeah. Hi Harvey.”

“Are you okay? Where the hell are you? Do you have any idea of how many times I have called you?”

“Eh.. yeah. Eleven. Sorry Harvey, I didn’t mean to disappear on you like that.”

“Where the hell are you?” Harvey repeated. “I swear if you are at some bar or something…”

“I’m not even allowed to drink! No, I’m at the hospital.”

“Shit! I told you to not leave the apartment! What happened?” 

”Eh…Well, I was on my way back there when I kind of got a bit dizzy and stuff.”

“You passed out didn’t you?”

“Eh…a little.”

“A little!”

Harvey huffed angrily on the other end, and Mike couldn’t blame him. “God you are so stupid Mike. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I didn’t exactly plan this Harvey.” 

“You just left the apartment without telling me, after I told you not to.”

“I wrote a note!”

“Oh, you mean this?” He heard Harvey grabbing a paper in the background. “I’m going out for a bit, that’s all you wrote! You know, when the cancer won’t kill you, I will!”

Harvey was clearly very pissed off at the moment. He didn’t know he would worry so much. 

“I had my phone…”

“Yeah, which you didn’t answer!”

“Sorry.” Mike said and waited. He really had screwed up. He had been pretty stupid actually. He waited and listen for what Harvey was going to do next. 

“Yeah, you better be.” He said then. He sighed and Mike kept waiting. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, Harvey. I’m okay.”

“I’m coming. Stay there and don’t move.”

“Okay. Sorry again. I just didn’t think that anything would happen.”

“Yeah, we’ll talk later. Donna is coming too, she has some other well-chosen words for you.” 

“Shit.” 

Harvey laughed and hang up. 

– SUITS –

That damn idiot. How could he be so stupid? What had he been thinking? Harvey just wanted to strangle him. Now he would have to chain Mike to his bed or something every time he needed to leave him alone at the condo. 

At first when he got home to discover that Mike wasn’t there he had been angry at first, but then when he called the kid and he didn’t pick up he immediately got worried. Why wouldn’t he pick up? Where was he? Had something happened? What should he do? 

He had called Donna who told him to go out and look, while she headed over to help him. He went out to look for the kid but had no idea where to look. He kept calling Mike and texted him, but he received no answer. He couldn’t help but imagine different scenarios in his head. What if Mike’s heart had given out or something? What if he passed out right when he was crossing the street? What if he…

No, he had to stop. He had to keep looking. Maybe the kid had decided he wanted to go and see a movie or something and had to turn off the sound of his phone, or maybe he had just accidentally done that anyway. Or he could have… This wasn’t really helping. Donna was worried as well, but kept saying that they would find him any minute. 

When Mike called they were still out looking for him. Two hours had passed. Harvey got so mad a first when he could hear on the kid’s voice that he was fine. But he was at the hospital and he got worried again. 

Thankfully Mike looked fine when they stepped into his room. Fine and embarrassed. Harvey let Donna speak to him first and after her words he added some of his own. Mike had the decency to just agree with them. He didn’t even try to defend himself that much. 

“Have you any idea of what could have happened! You have fucking heart cancer. Your damn heart could have stopped Mike. Did you think of that?”

“No…”

“Well, you could have died! What if you had been on some street ally all alone, or what if nobody had cared enough to call an ambulance?” 

Mike just stared down in his lap and took it. Harvey didn’t care, he needed to get this out. He needed Mike to get it!

“What were you even doing?” 

“I just went to buy some food. The bag was a bit heavy…”

“You bought food, why the hell did you do that? We have food.”

“I just wanted to contribute some, sorry for that.” Mike pouted. 

”I don’t fucking care. You don’t…”

“Harvey!” Donna interrupted him, and he paused. Mike had wanted to contribute. Fine, maybe he was done now. 

“Yeah, okay. That’s fine Mike. But don’t do it on expense of your health.” 

“I have said I’m sorry. It’s not like I will do it again. I get that it was stupid, okay.” Mike looked a bit too upset by now. Harvey let Donna step in. 

“We were so worried Mike.” She said quietly. “We had no idea of what had happened to you, or where you were.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m so sorry.” He looked close to tears now, and Harvey didn’t want it to go any further. 

”Well, it’s in the past. You won’t do it again.”

“No, Harvey. I won’t.”

”Let’s just forget about it then.”

They did, and Harvey took Mike home a couple of hours later. Donna came with them and spent the rest of the weekend with them. In the condo.   
Mike seemed to be relatively fine after his little adventure, he hadn’t done that much damage after all. His body just hadn’t been able to handle the stress of walking and carrying the heavy bag. Mike had grumbled a bit about the lost food he had bought, and wondered what happened to it. Harvey didn’t care. 

Monday came and it was going to be a busy week for Harvey. His case with Louis was close to come to an end and he was going to have to spend a lot of time with it. With a little luck they were going to be able to close the case by the end of the week. This also meant that Donna would be busier than usual as well, because Harvey was going to need her help. Harvey felt a bit bad because it would mean that Mike had to be more by himself. Monday was no problem. Mike told him that it was okay, when he left earlier than Harvey to head home. 

Harvey felt even guiltier when the case dragged out so much that Mike was asleep when he got home. He had called Mike when he realized that, but Mike assured him that it was fine. Harvey didn’t really believe him. But he looked fine when he checked on him that night. 

“Harvey?” Mike was standing in his doorway to his office. He and Donna had just been out to lunch and Mike looked tired, and also a bit sad. Harvey sighed inwards and asked him what he wanted. Mike came in and sat down in front of him.

“I know you are busy and all, but I was just wondering a thing.”

“What were you wondering Mike?”

“If you maybe could come with me to the treatment session today?” 

Harvey looked at his watch, he had a meeting in two hours and he needed to be there. If he went with Mike he would miss it, and also he just couldn’t leave the kid by himself afterwards. If Mike went by himself Harvey could go to the meeting and then get some work done and be home before the worst hit the kid. 

“I already asked Donna and she said she couldn’t, so if you are not too busy. I don’t feel like going alone.”

“Mike, I’m sorry I just can’t. I will be home earlier than yesterday though.” 

Mike looked disappointed, but not too much. 

“Look, why don’t you ask someone else.” Harvey suggested, even though he knew Mike had used all his options.

“Yeah, like who?” Mike asked with and annoyed voice, realizing the same thing. 

“Rachel maybe?”

“I haven’t even told her I have cancer yet. I think she would wonder some if I brought her there.”

“You could tell her there. Like make her guess what’s going on.” Harvey smirked. 

“Oh come on, that’s cruel. She will kill me.” He groaned. 

”Don’t you think it’s time to tell her though?” 

“Yeah, maybe…” Mike looked out the window. ”You think I should?” 

“Yes. I do. She is your friend right?”

“Yeah…”

“So, do it.” 

“What if she doesn’t want to come?”

“You think she won’t?”

“I don’t know.”

”Go and find out.”

Mike nodded slowly and stood up. ”Yes, okay. I’ll do it. Can you come and check on me though, in like twenty minutes, just in case she did strangle me.” 

“Sure. Good luck.” Harvey smiled to himself and turned back to his work, glancing at his watch again. 

– SUITS –

He stopped just of out sight from Rachel’s office. He needed to have some sort of plan on what to say to her. He was prepared for her to be angry. He was pretty sure he would be if the roles were reversed and she had waited this long with telling him something like this. He figured he just had to be honest with her and apologies and hope that she would understand. 

He knocked politely on her door before stepping into her office. She looked up and smiled a bit towards him. 

“Hi Mike.” She said. 

”Hi Rachel. How are you? Do you have a minute?” Or really he wondered if she had a couple of hours, but it was too early to ask that now. She sighed a bit and looked at him.

“Honestly Mike, if you are here because you have something that you need my help with I don’t really have time right now.”

“Eh, no it’s nothing like that.”

“But you want my help, right? That’s why you are here?” 

“Yeah, kind of but I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“I don’t really have time Mike.”

He knew that she was annoyed with him. He had practically ignored her for some time now, but he had after all had other things to think about. He had to try again. 

“It’s not about work Rachel. It’s about what has been going on with me.” 

She met his eyes now and turned her attention away from the papers in front of her. 

“Yeah, and what is that then? What has been going on with you? I knew there was something you weren’t telling me.”

“There is.” He said honestly. It really was. He thought about how to continue. 

”What is it then?” She repeated. 

”I’m sick.” He said. She had a neutral expression and just waited. “I had been feeling like crap for a while, so I went to see a doctor. They did a bunch of test and it turned out to be pretty bad, Rachel.” 

“Okay…I don’t think I like where this is going.” She said faintly and he noticed that her hands took hold of her desk. Mike smiled a bit.

“No. I…I have been diagnosed with…with cancer.” 

She drew a deep breath and let the air out again. “Cancer?” She whispered looking worried. “You have cancer?”

“Yeah, in my heart.” 

“In your heart?” He saw then that her eyes were starting to shine, but she didn’t let the tears fall. “Oh Mike. I don’t know what to say. Heart cancer?” 

He nodded and just let her take it in. 

“Oh my god. That’s not good is it? That’s really bad right?” Another nod from Mike. 

“That’s why you have been acting weird, and that’s why you have barely spoken to me, oh and that’s why you were sleeping on Harvey’s couch. Right?” She looked at him with an alarmed expression.

“Yes. That’s why. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I just…I really don’t have a good reason I guess. I I just didn’t want to…you know…”

“No, Mike it’s fine. And I’m sorry for the way I acted against you. I didn’t know.” 

”I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m just sorry for practically ignoring you the last few weeks.”

“You had a good reason. Oh god…” She held a hand over her mouth. ”I’m so sorry Mike.” She said again. “How are you doing? You are getting treated right?” 

He answered her question about the treatment and told her what he was doing and kind of how it went. 

“But how are you feeling then?” She asked after she had asked a few more questions about the treatment.

”I’m doing as well as I can I guess.” He answered. 

She nodded. She still looked like she was going to burst into tears any minute, and Mike couldn’t help but feel a bit touched by it. She was this upset because of him. She was that worried about him, but that feeling soon turned into guilt again and when he saw her struggle. He couldn’t ask her to come with him now. He just couldn’t. 

But he didn’t want to go alone, and she was his last hope. He felt that damn hole in his chest start to grow again. He felt like crying himself at the thought of spending   
the afternoon alone there. 

Rachel suddenly came around her desk and was standing next to him. She put a warm hand on his shoulder. 

“Is it something I can do, Mike?” She quietly asked, and when he looked up at her, she looked like normal, only a bit sad maybe. How had she done that? He wanted to   
be able to do that as well. Just shove it down, all the bad thoughts and feelings, but now a days he just couldn’t. Like there wasn’t any room inside him for that anymore. 

He shrugged. 

“You said that you wanted my help. I want to help Mike.”

“No, there is nothing. You said you were busy, I was just going to see if you weren’t.” he had to look away. Damn it! He did not want to show his true weak and   
pathetic self in front of Rachel. This had been a bad idea. 

”There are things that are more important.” Rachel said then. 

”Yeah?” 

”Of course. What is it Mike?” 

”I was just going to ask if you could come with me to the hospital for a while. But if you are busy it’s fine. I can go alone.”

“Of course I can come. I can do that. It’s okay Mike.” Her hand stroke his shoulder a bit as he felt relief flood through him. She would come! 

“Really?” he smiled up at her. “Thank you Rachel.”

“Of course Mike. When are we going?” 

“Half an hour?” 

“Okay. I’m just going to finish up real quick here then and I’ll come by Harvey’s office?” 

“Okay. Thanks!” 

It was with easy steps he made his way back to Harvey’s office. This went much better than he thought it would. Harvey looked up when he stepped in the man’s office without knocking. 

“Oh you are still alive.”

“Yep.”

“How did she take it?” 

“Pretty well. Better than you.”

“Oh shut up. I handled it excellently.” 

Mike rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

Rachel came exactly half an hour later, and stood in the doorway as he got up from the couch, smiling at her. He noticed how she nodded against Harvey, but Harvey was leaning over his computer when he looked at him. They left after that. Harvey had called Ray for them. 

Mike studied Rachel when he thought she wasn’t looking. She looked rather pale, and were her eyes a bit red? 

“Rachel,” he said. “Look, I know it’s a lot and I just sprung this on you.”

“Yeah, you kind of did.” 

“Sorry.” He smirked. ”I really appreciate it though, you coming with me.”

“Of course I am coming with you Mike. You are my friend. I want to help you in every way I can.”

“That means a lot.” He said, and really meant it. 

– SUITS –


	29. Chapter 29

The hospital visit with Rachel went fine according to Mike. He could see how shocked she was and felt bad both for her and for not telling her earlier. He should have eased her into it, not sprung everything on her on the same day. But she was truly great. She asked questions as to why he needed to do certain tests, what the chemo was doing or what the treatment had done so far. He answered her questions the best he could, but some things he didn’t know. He didn’t know yet if the treatment was successful or not. It was too early to tell. He still had a while left before they would be able to tell him anything about that. He told Rachel that too. 

“How can you live with that? Not even knowing if all of this is helping or not?”

“I don’t know Rachel” he answered. “What else am I supposed to do?” 

Unfortunately she didn’t have a good answer to that. “I guess you are right.” She sighed. 

He was starting to feel a bit queasy after the treatment, it was actually earlier than usual and normally he felt like crap much later. Ray was waiting outside the entrance when they were done.

“Where to?” he asked after he had helped them both inside the car.

“Home, please.” Mike said before he turned to Rachel. ”Do you mind coming with me?” He asked her. Unfortunately he felt like he was going to need her help, and Harvey probably wouldn’t be home for some time. And also he wanted company. She agreed. She looked at him a bit strange when they rode the elevator up to Harvey’s condo, but she didn’t say anything. 

Mike felt like he was going to be sick pretty soon, so he decided to just go ahead and shower before the worst hit him. 

“Eh Rachel, do you mind waiting for just a bit? I’m going to take a shower.”

“Sure, let me know if I can do anything to help.” She offered.

“You want come into the shower with me?” He smirked, and she rolled her eyes at him before letting him know that she would be waiting by the kitchen table. She was when he came out in only a towel. He had forgotten to bring clean clothes with him. She looked up and saw him standing there. She looked shocked and got up and took a few steps towards him, before she seemed to pull herself together a bit. Mike knew that his body had changed during the past time. He had always been skinny but getting cancer didn’t help. He usually avoided looking at himself in a mirror as it didn’t exactly help his self-esteem. 

“Oh Mike.” Rachel said, as he passed her. 

“Yeah, I know I’m not really looking my best at the moment. I would work out, but you know…”

She completely ignored what he was saying and started to follow him towards his bedroom. He awkwardly stopped in front of his wardrobe and searched for something to wear as Rachel observed him. 

“Eh…You okay?” He had to ask when she didn’t say anything. 

”Oh yeah, sure. You need any help?” 

He had been trying to reach the drawer with his pants without dropping the towel. 

“Sure, pants, down there.” He pointed, and she reached for them for him. As she straightened up she got a weird expression on her face. 

“Wait, you have clothes here? At Harvey’s place?”

Oops he had forgotten to tell her that too. ”Eh yeah, I kind of live here now.”

“You kind of live here?”

“Yeah, I forgot to tell you. I moved in with Harvey after I passed out a little at my place. My doctor didn’t want me to live alone anymore, so Harvey offered me to stay here, with him.”

“You live with Harvey?” 

“Yes.” 

“Wow.” She said and laughed a bit. “I had no idea he had that side of him.” 

“Harvey is great!” Mike defended him, suddenly feeling like it was really important to get her to understand that.

“I guess he is.” She nodded and handed him his pants. “Here. I’m just going to wait outside.” She left after that. She was sitting in a chair looking out the window when he stepped out in to the living room. He sat down on the couch in front of her. 

“I guess it is a lot I didn’t tell you.” He said. 

“Yes. It’s a lot.” 

They were quiet for a while. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Rachel carefully asked then. 

“I don’t know.” He said just as carefully. ”There is some hope. Harvey says I’m going to be fine.” 

“Good Mike…good. That’s good. I agree with Harvey.” 

”In this case I do too.” Mike smiled, trying the ease up the mood a bit. “Do you want to just watch some TV or something?” he asked, and she smiled back and nodded. 

“I’m feeling generous so you get to choose.” He threw her the remote, and then amused himself by rejecting every one of her suggestions until she found out what he was doing and just chose the show he had complained the most about. 

He felt himself starting to feel worse after some time, and discreetly laid down on the couch. When the nausea was starting to creep up on him he felt obligated to warn Rachel about what was about to come.

“Eh, Rachel.” 

“What? I’m not changing. You know you can learn something from this Mike.”

“What? Eh…no. I was just going to say that I’m…” He paused.

”You what?”

”I’m going to be sick pretty soon.”

“Oh, are you feeling bad?”

“Yeah, kind of. Look, I will get pretty sick. It’s not going to be pretty.”

“Okay…” She hesitated, and he understood her. But it turned out that she was pretty great. She got him some supplies, like the bucket and some pill and something to drink, that was after asking him twice before he let her get them then. He would have done it himself, but getting up would just upset his body more. 

Rachel was pretty worried asked if she could do anything to help after the first time he was sick. “No, it’s okay.” He said and tried his best not to show her how bad he was actually feeling. He kind of wished Harvey was there instead. He wasn’t sure but he thought that Rachel wished the same. The whole ordeal wasn’t pleasant for any of them, but it didn’t get that bad either. 

“No Rachel, there is nothing you can do.” He said after she asked again. “I think I’m just going to sleep some if that’s okay.” 

“Yeah, of course. Sure. Harvey should be home soon anyway.” 

He nodded, having no idea how she knew that. He fell asleep and woke up some time later feeling awful. He could hear quiet voices in the direction of the kitchen, but didn’t get to think much more about it before he had to lean over the edge of the couch to throw up. Harvey was there the next second or so and stopped him from falling of the couch. 

“It’s okay Mike.” He was saying. Mike thought it was. He fell back on the couch and closed his eyes again. When he woke up the next time Harvey was on the chair where Rachel had been before. The apartment was held in darkness except for a lamp next to Mike on the couch.

“Hi. You are awake. Feeling better?”

“Yeah. A bit. Where is Rachel?”

”I sent her home.” When he saw Mike’s look he added. ”She is fine.” 

“Yeah?”

“Well, you throwing up and passing out on her was a bit upsetting, but I calmed her down.”

“I didn’t do those things.”

“Sure you didn’t. Are you going to throw up some more or are you done?” 

Mike just glared at him and pulled up a blanket that had been covering him higher. He probably had to talk to Rachel soon. Hopefully Harvey had just been kidding. 

– SUITS –

Rachel had texted Harvey just when he and Louis had started to go through the plan for the next day. Her text had been pretty desperate as she wrote that Mike was really sick. Aftermath of the chemo of course, but Rachel had never experienced that before. He promised her to be there soon. 

She was sitting on a chair with the TV on when Harvey got home. All her attention was directed at Mike who looked like he was sleeping soundly on the couch. He was even snoring a bit. Rachel however did not look fine. 

“Hi there.” He greeted her. 

“Oh, hi.” She whispered. 

“How long has he been sleeping?” Harvey asked.

“About forty minutes.” She said. ”He was really sick.”

“He is fine now though. Can I get you something to drink?” He asked and mentioned for the kitchen. She followed him over there but only wanted a glass of water.

“Thank you for helping out today Rachel.” Harvey told her. She just nodded, and he understood that she was close to tears. “Hey.” He said as she covered her mouth with her hand. 

“I knew something was wrong with him, but I was too busy with being angry at him for not speaking to me to really ask what was wrong. And now he has cancer.”

“I know.”

“He is just so sick and I didn’t even notice. How could he keep this from me for so long? How could I have not…” He stopped. “But you are taking care of him.” She stated. 

”I am.”

”That is so great Harvey. It’s really admirable.”

She glanced over towards Mike. “Do you really think he is going to be okay? I mean he has cancer in his heart. That sound so bad.”

“Yes I do, Rachel. I have to believe that.” 

”Yeah.” She wiped away a few tears. Mike chose that moment to wake up and get violently ill. It looked like he was about to fall off the couch and Harvey hurried over to stop that from happening. Mike just groaned and fell back asleep. 

He sent Rachel home after that, promising to keep her updated from now on. She insisted he do that. It was a good thing that Rachel knew now according to Harvey. Mike needed all the support he could get. 

When Mike woke up again he helped him to the bedroom and stayed until he fell asleep again. Mike had looked at him, smiled then closed his eyes and promptly fell asleep. Harvey shook his head and couldn’t help but smile at the sleeping man before he went to bed himself. Hopefully they would get some good days now. You could always hope Harvey thought. However it didn’t really work out that way. 

Harvey didn’t see it happen, he just found Mike on the floor afterwards. It was morning a few days later and Harvey was just stepping out of the shower. He had already checked on Mike and he was awake and set on going to work. Harvey decided to let him come as long as he was walking and talking and didn’t have a fever or something similar. Today Mike didn’t have any of those things. Harvey was just getting dressed when he heard a thump from Mike’s room. 

”Mike? What are you doing?” he called, but didn’t get a response. He frowned and threw his tie that he was about to tie on the bed and went to investigate. 

“Mike!” The kid was on his stomach on the floor and he wasn’t moving! Harvey fell down hard on his knees next to Mike and turned him around. What was going on?

“What the hell are you doing?” He almost yelled in Mike’s face as he saw that Mike actually was awake and looking up sheepishly at him. Mike had just freaked him out for nothing, had he?

“Eh…I don’t know.” He said. 

”What are you doing on the floor?” Harvey still had a hold of his shoulders. 

“I don’t know?” Mike said again, a bit more confused this time. 

”Well, then what happened?”

”I was just getting dressed and the next thing I know I’m here on the floor.”

“You are telling me that you passed out?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. Would you just let me sit up now?”

“Are you feeling okay then?” His knees were hurting from falling down on them earlier. Mike nodded and Harvey let go of him and watched him sit up. He remained sitting with his eyes closed a moment.

“Dizzy?” Harvey asked.

”Yeah a bit.” Mike grunted. 

“Maybe you should talk to your doctor about that.”

“I just had a brief lapse of unconsciousness. It’s not a big deal Harvey.” Mike tried to convince him as they both got up from the floor.

“Brief lapse of unconsciousness…” Harvey muttered as he made his way back to his bedroom. He would have to watch the kid closer today. 

– SUITS –

Mike didn’t really think anymore of the passing out that morning. He had other things to worry about. He had gotten a lot of files from Harvey for a change. Or that wasn’t really true. Truth was that he wasn’t finished with the files he had when Harvey had given him new ones. It was his own fault really, he had kind of told Harvey that he was finished even though he wasn’t. Normal Mike would have finished them in a few hours, current Mike really had to fight to be able to get through them in time. He didn’t really think Harvey would say anything, but he still wanted to be able to do it. 

He felt okay today. Nothing was really bothering him, except that he felt a little shaky, but that wasn’t so bad. He wasn’t in pain or anything so that was good. He had been sitting at his own desk for a change, and not in Harvey’s office. The other associates had commented a bit. 

“Where have you been? Are they letting you out here again?” They asked a bit tauntingly and he had just ignored them. For that he had heard some whispering behind him, but didn’t care. They didn’t know and he wasn’t going to tell them. 

He needed to go to the file room. He glanced in the direction of the room, it wasn’t that far. He went. He knew that something was wrong when he was almost all the way there. His vision was starting to get blurry and he felt lightheaded. Shit, it felt just like this morning before he passed out. It was happening again. He should do something, he should sit down. But there were no place for him to do so here. He fumbled for the door handle and pushed the door open. But right then it happened, things just went dark and he wasn’t aware of anything anymore. He wasn’t even awere of hitting the floor.

He woke up in what felt like the next second, but he guessed it wasn’t because two of his associate collages were crouching down above him with worried expressions. 

“Mike, are you okay?” One of them asked. 

“Eh…yeah.” He just laid there looking up at them for a while.

“You need a hand?” The other asked, and Mike accepted his outstretched hand. “Maybe you should slow down a bit, take a break or maybe get some food into you.” He continued when Mike was sitting up. “I usually helps for me when I feel stressed.”

“Uh I’m not really that stressed, I was just, you know…”

“I know man. We all end up there sooner or later.”

Mike felt himself blushing, but didn’t say anything. “Sure.” He mumbled. 

“Can I get you some water or something?” The female associate said and Mike politely declined and told her that he was feeling better now, after that he just pushed pass them into the file room. He felt shaky and a bit dizzy still, but nothing else. Well, his cheek felt a bit sore, he must have it when he fell. No other harm was done to him, other than that his pride kind of took a turn. He really wished that the associates hadn’t seen him like that. Now they were going to think he had some kind of nervous breakdown or something. He choose not to tell Harvey about it since he felt fine for the rest of the day. Harvey would just get worked up and take him to the hospital or something. 

It turned out however that the fainting episodes wasn’t over. It happened again the next day. He and Harvey had just gotten home from the office. It had been a good day, Mike had been allowed to come to a client meeting with his boss, and after that Harvey decided that they should head home, early for a change. 

They were just walking out of the elevator into Harvey’s condo when it happened again. It came to him so suddenly this time that he had no change of doing anything to prevent himself from falling down hard, which he did. Everything just faded to black in a few seconds. He was just walking in front of Harvey and then it was black and nothing. 

He was on his back when he woke up again. He blinked slowly and found Harvey’s face taking up his entire view. “Oh.” Was the first thing he said. Something soft was underneath his head, and Harvey’s hand were on his shoulder. He blinked a few times and took stock of himself. His mouth and nose was hurting quite a lot, he could even feel something sticky on his lip. He felt a bit dazed.

“Are you with me Mike?” Harvey was asking calmly.

“Yeah.” 

“Are you hurt? How do you feel?”

“I think I’m okay Harvey.” He said. 

“You don’t look okay, and you just passed out for god sakes.” 

“Again, I kind of noticed. How long was I out?” 

“Only for like a minute. Two times in two days Mike, have you talked to your doctor about this?”

Mike winced a bit. “Actually three time.”

“What?!” 

“I kind of passed out yesterday at the office.”

“You did? At the office? And why the hell didn’t you tell me that?”

“Eh…I was just…I didn’t think it was such a big deal, okay?”

“Bullshit. You tell me everything. That’s our deal Mike.” Harvey was angry now. He had the right to be.

”I know. Sorry. I should have told you.” 

“Yes you should have. Well, what happened then?”

“I just passed out and some associates found me on the floor. It was pretty embarrassing. I’m pretty sure they think I’m having some sort of breakdown.” 

“Well, maybe you do, if you neglect of telling me things like that.” Harvey angrily muttered as he stood up and started to walk away, when Mike made a move to get up Harvey stopped and turned back to him. 

“No. You stay right there.” At his tone Mike just sank back down, thinking it was better to just do what he was told this time. Harvey was back a moment later with some wet paper towels and a small bag of frozen vegetables. He allowed Mike to sit up against the wall and sat down next to him. Mike looked suspiciously at him, as he took a paper towel and brought it up to his face. He leaned back and held up a hand. 

“What are you doing?”

“Your lip is bleeding. I couldn’t catch you in time to stop your fall.” He then proceeded with cleaning Mike’s face. 

“It’s okay Harvey.” Mike quietly said.

“Stop talking while I do this.” Mike did. When he was finished Harvey pulled him off the floor and handed him the frozen vegetables. “Hold that against your face. You’ll look like crap tomorrow otherwise. Donna is going to think I beat you up.” 

While Mike was busy with holding frozen things against this face Harvey made himself busy by calling Mike’s doctor. They talked for almost twenty minutes before Harvey was satisfied. 

“You need to take it easy and get some rest. He didn’t think we needed to head over, but you need to watch out more. If you start to feel strange in any way, you tell me immediately. You got that?” 

Mike thought it was best to just nod. Harvey looked pissed. 

– SUITS –

It was pretty terrifying to watch someone pass out in front of you. Harvey was totally unprepared for it. Harvey had unlocked the door and then stepped aside to let Mike go pass him. He had just closed the door behind him and turned when Mike went down. It wasn’t gradual, he didn’t stumble any before. It was more like someone had hit him on the head, he just fell face down on the floor. Harvey had all but a second to react and he did try to grab Mike and ease his fall, but his fingertips just barely touched Mike’s suit jacket. Mike fell on his stomach and his face collided with the floor. When Harvey turned him around his lip was already split and bleeding. He got a jacket under Mike’s head and tried to search for injuries. He carefully felt Mike’s nose, but it seemed intact. 

“Mike, come on. Wake up!” He patted his cheek and the kid blinked slowly. Thank god. Mike seemed to be fine, but then he found out that this actually was the third time he fainted. He couldn’t believe that Mike hadn’t told him. 

Mike was sleeping on the couch now. Harvey hadn’t really liked what the doctor had said on the phone. He had thought that they didn’t need to come to the hospital at this second, like Harvey had asked, but that he needed to keep an eye out for shortness of breath, chest pain and other symptoms that they hadn’t experienced before. Then they should come straight in. It was all a bit intimidating. It was like Mike was a ticking bomb, just waiting to go off at any minute. That was how Harvey had translated the medical talk. That the fainting was kind of like Mike’s body’s way of sending out a warning. But now he was sleeping peacefully. So far so good. 

It happened the next day. The bomb went off.

Harvey had reluctantly let Mike come to work. He had claimed that he felt fine, like yesterday.

“Oh you mean the way you face planted on the floor?”

“That was just a one-time thing.”

“Or a three-time thing?” 

Mike rolled his eyes at him. “Okay, but what is stopping me from passing out here? I might as well pass out at work.”

Harvey figured he had a point. At least if he was at work Harvey could keep an eye on him. He would have considered staying home with the kid unless it had been for the fact that he was probably going to finish the case he had with Louis today, so he really needed to go to the office. Mike took it as a victory that he got to come and went on about the case he was working on. Harvey didn’t really listen to his rambling but Mike didn’t notice. 

When they got to the office Harvey grabbed Mike’s arm to stop him from walking off.

“Listen, I have a meeting in the conference room down the hall. Do you feel okay?”

“What? Yeah Harvey, I’m fine. Do you feel okay? Is it worry I detect?” Mike smiled smugly at him. Harvey ignored it.

“If you feel anything that is out of the ordinary you come straight to me, you get it? Or if you can’t come you call.”

Mike who sensed his sincerity straightened up. “Yeah Harvey I will.” He said.

”Where is your phone?” 

”Eh…” Mike patted his pockets. ”I…” 

“Idiot.” Harvey snatched Mike’s bag from his shoulders and fished out the phone from it. He trusted it into Mike’s hand. “Are we clear?” he asked and Mike nodded with wide eyes. 

”I’ll come to you or call you. Yes.” 

“Good boy.” Harvey turned around and made his way to the conference room. When he got there he texted Donna to keep an eye on Mike. 

Mike didn’t interrupt the meeting and the case was officially over. All they had to do now was finish up the paperwork and then finally he could start with other cases.   
Harvey was back at his office and looked up when he heard knocking from his door. It was Mike. He was basically leaning against the glass wall. Donna wasn’t at her desk, and Harvey briefly wondered if that was intentional from Mike’s side, that he was here now.

“What’s up Mike?” he asked. 

Mike grimaced a bit. He looked pale.

“I think something is wrong. My heart feels weird.” He said and Harvey felt a knot form in his stomach. He immediately got up from his desk at that and went closer to Mike. 

“What do you mean, your heart feels weird?” He asked.

Mike took a few steps into the room, his hand groping for something to hold on to. Harvey stepped forward and let it be his arm. 

“I don’t know but I think it is beating irregularly or something. And my chest really hurts Harvey.” He brought his other hand up to his chest as if to show Harvey where he was hurting. 

“Shit” Harvey swore “Okay, come and sit down.” He took Mike’s arm and dragged him over to the couch and helped him to sit down. Mike leaned back and held both of his hands against his chest. He was breathing hard and his eyes were opened wide. He stared at Harvey, who nodded against him and did his best to look calm and collected. In reality Harvey’s heart was racing. This was very bad. He clearly remembered Mike’s doctor warning about exactly this. 

– SUITS –

Mike’s chest was really hurting by now. His heart was beating so hard it kind of felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. He was so scared as well. What was happening to him? He really had felt fine today, that was until like ten minutes ago. He had been able to feel when it happened. He was just sitting by his desk focused on the papers in front of him when he felt some sort of jump inside him by his heart. He didn’t know how else to explain it. It did it again, and then it was starting to hurt. At first it wasn’t so bad, the pain, but it got worse by the minute. He was just sitting there for a while feeling his heartbeat. Something was wrong with it. It was like it wasn’t in tune. That’s when he went to Harvey. 

Harvey tried to smile against him now, but it looked wrong. Then he went over to his desk and shuffled some papers around. Was he going to read something? Was it really the time? Mike’s thoughts was messed up. And no, Harvey had apparently been looking for his phone, and he had found it. Mike watched him intently from where he was sitting on the couch. It was getting a bit harder to breathe now, his chest felt tight. 

“Hi, I need an ambulance right now. My friend’s heart is beating irregular and he has chest pains.” 

Harvey was almost shouting into the phone. Mike listened to him reveling as much details as he could and then listened into the phone and asking questions. Huh, he thought, he called me his friend. That’s nice. Harvey came back to him then and sat down beside him. He grabbed his shoulder.

“Mike, listen. You need to lay down and just relax.” When Mike didn’t do anything, just looked at him, Harvey started to push him down onto the couch. 

“Yeah, okay.” He panted, and helped a bit. Harvey disappeared out of his vision for a moment and he immediately worried that he was going to leave him there. He didn’t know why Harvey did that. He was pretty sure that he needed help, Harvey’s help. Deep down he knew that Harvey wouldn’t leave him alone like this. In fact, it was not often that Harvey had left him alone when he thought that Mike needed him. Mike just had trouble with getting it through his head that he could count on Harvey, because he could. 

When he sat down next to him again, he had brought what Mike recognized as the defibrillator with him and put it on the table. Mike watched as he opened it and turned towards Mike. 

“Mike, listen to me.” He said calmly. “This is just a precaution, okay?” Mike met Harvey’s eyes, and nodded. Harvey smiled his weird smile again and nodded back.

“The paramedics are on their way, okay. But I’m going to set this up just in case your heart decides to stop.”

“What?!” Mike breathed out, and felt tears coming to his eyes. He started to breathe quicker. He was scared.

“Hey, none of that!” Harvey said and put one of his hands on his cheek. “It’s okay now. It’s just a precaution. I just told you. It’s going to be okay. We are just going to be prepared. You get it?” He sounded kind of mad, and Mike didn’t know why. What was he doing wrong? 

“You will be okay.” Harvey repeated. “How are you feeling?” He started to remove Mike’s tie. 

“It doesn’t feel better. I don’t want my heart to stop!” Mike said. “What are you doing?” Harvey was now working on the buttons on his shirt. He tried to batt Harvey’s hands away, but Harvey just took his hand and put it back down on the couch. 

“I’m removing your shirt.” 

“Why?”

“Because I can’t attach the defibrillator on it, can I?” 

“What?” 

“Mike, just shut up and focus on your breathing.” 

Mike panted a bit and bit his lip. Why was Harvey so mad? Great, now a few tears was running down his face. He felt like he didn’t know what was going on anymore, he was hurting and it was cold with his shirt open. And Harvey told him to shut up for no reason. He said his heart might stop! Was he going to die now? 

“What is going on here? Mike? Harvey?” It was Donna. He heard her heels clap against the floor as she came up to the couch. He watched her upside down from where he was. 

“Donna, go and meet the ambulance.” Harvey told her immediately. When she hesitated looking at Harvey in shock he almost yelled at her “Now Donna!” She disappeared without another word. 

“Where did she go?” Mike whispered. He wanted her to come back. She was always so nice to him. 

“She will be back soon Mike.” Harvey said. He was now putting something on Mike’s chest. It felt weird.

“What are you doing? Stop.” 

“Just try to calm down Mike.” Harvey said and suddenly took his hand in his. Mike grabbed it and held on as hard as he could. He was really scared now. His heart was beating so hard it was almost painful. He just wanted it to be over. 

“I want to go home.” He told Harvey. Maybe they could just do that, as soon as this stopped. 

“I know.” Harvey answered him. He didn’t sound mad anymore.

It was getting harder to breath now. Things started to get a bit fuzzy. He felt lightheaded. He suspected that he was going to pass out soon. That didn’t feel very good. He didn’t want to pass out like this. 

“Mike? Hey? Look at me!” Harvey was saying. He tried to focus on Harvey’s face, but it was hard. Then Harvey slapped his face. Why was he doing that? Why was he hurting him? He hadn’t done anything. Harvey hit him! Harvey was saying his name over and over again. Mike tried to answer, but he wasn’t sure that any sound left his lips. 

Then Harvey removed his hand from his, and disappeared out of his view. Someone else was there instead of Harvey. He didn’t know who it was or why the person was there. Where was Harvey? Mike needed him! Something terrible was happening to him. Then he couldn’t stay awake anymore. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had to use his other hand to pry Mike’s hand of his as the paramedics came rushing in to his office demanding his place. He stepped to the side, never taking   
his eyes of Mike. Donna came up next to him, and grabbed his arm. He glanced at her and saw that she had tears in her eyes and her hand over her mouth, her eyes fixed on Mike. She gasped and he looked back at Mike. He had passed out, his head listing to the side with tears still present on his cheeks. The paramedics worked quickly on him, taking his pulse and checking his breathing and blood pressure. They strapped him on to a gurney and was out of the room in less than five minutes. Harvey drew in a shocked breath as they passed him and Donna. Mike looked lifeless on the gurney, his face voided of all color. 

Harvey and Donna followed the gurney and they all went into the same elevator. A few people stopped and watched as they passed them in the hall. Neither Harvey or Donna talked, it was just the paramedic’s rapidly exchanging information between one another. Mike hadn’t stirred and was just laying there. Harvey stared at his chest that jerkily was rising and falling.

When they got outside to the ambulance, Harvey was stopped when he attempted to get in with them. 

“I’m sorry sir, we need all the space we can get to help your friend.” 

They left after that, the sirens blaring. 

“Shit!” Harvey swore loudly, when the ambulance went out of his sight. 

“Oh god Harvey. What happened?”

“Something was wrong with his heart.”

Donna nodded and let out a deep breath. “Let’s go Harvey.” She said.

They managed to hail a cab right away and they both sat in silence in the backseat. 

“Do you know what was wrong?” Donna asked quietly after a few minutes. 

“His heart was beating irregularly, he was in pain and he had trouble breathing.” 

“Oh my god…” Donna whispered, and when Harvey looked at her he could see that she was crying. 

“He is going to be fine.” He said. Donna didn’t answer. And they didn’t talk anymore until they got to the hospital. They were referred to the waiting area and didn’t get any information about Mike. It didn’t help that Harvey tried to threaten them a bit. Eventually Donna took his arm and led him to a chair and they sat down next to each other. Donna took his hand in hers and he let her.

“He is going to be fine Harvey.” She said. “You said it yourself. Besides, Mike is strong and stubborn. He will get through this.” 

“You didn’t see him” Harvey argued “He could barely breathe and he was so scared. He told me he wanted to go home.” He grinded his teeth hard. Mike had been so confused, like he didn’t understood at all what was going on. It had killed Harvey a bit inside when Mike said that he wanted to go home. All he had wanted then was to take the kid home and just keep him safe. He felt like he had failed somehow. He should have just taken Mike to the hospital last night. Then maybe they could have avoided this. They had known that something was wrong, but instead they waited until something bad actually happened. How stupid was that?

Now they were just waiting. They didn’t know if the kid even was alive. It was so frustrating to just sit around and wait. The not knowing part was the worst. A million thoughts was flying through his head. He had been truly frightened when Mike had just short of collapsed on his couch. What if his heart had stopped? When he had called 911, they had told him that it was important that he was prepared to give Mike CPR. It would keep him alive until the paramedics took over, they had told him.

They waited for hours. 

They couldn’t get more information on Mike’s status, even though both Harvey and Donna tried. Donna had called Jessica and told her about the situation. She had said that she would come over to the hospital later in the evening. 

Harvey was so worried. He hated sitting there just waiting. He felt angry. He wanted to punch something. He felt angry at Mike for putting them through this. Or he wasn’t angry at Mike. Of course he wasn’t. He was angry at the cancer. The cancer that was killing his associate. His responsibility. His friend.

“Family of Michael Ross?” 

Finally! Harvey jumped up from his seat and went over to the doctor, followed by Donna. 

“That’s us! How is he?” 

The doctor looked questioningly at him and Donna for a moment before he mentioned behind him. 

“Why don’t we step in over here?” He led them to a small office. 

“Michael was brought in with a severe case of ventricular fibrillation caused by his heart cancer.” He started when they were sitting down and had introduced themselves. 

“Okay, but is he all right?” Harvey asked. He didn’t care what was wrong, at the moment he just needed to know that Mike was okay. 

“He is resting and his heart is doing better.” The doctor said in a calming voice. 

“Damn it! You might want to lead with that.” Harvey sighed. 

“What is a fibrillation?” Donna asked. 

“It is an irregular and uncoordinated contraction of the cardiac muscle. Luckily for Michael it was treated in time through defibrillation, which means that his heart is back into its normal pace now.”

“You mean you shocked him?” Harvey asked. 

“Yes. We did.” 

“Can we see him?” Donna asked. 

“Yes, that will be possible shortly.” The doctor answered. “He is sedated at the moment, for the pain. He should be out for a few more hours, but you are welcome to keep him company. We are going to keep him here for a few days to monitor his condition. He will be moved from the ICU to the cancer ward as soon as it is possible.” 

They got some more information on Mike’s condition and was told that he had been lucky. Such a condition had the possibility to develop blood cloths that was extremely dangerous since they could develop in the brain. It shocked both Harvey and Donna, who asked a few more questions. After that they got to wait a bit more before a nurse came and took them to Mike’s room. 

Mike was in a bad condition. He looked really sick nothing like just a few hours earlier. His skin had taken almost a grayish color and he looked to be in pain even in his unconscious state. Donna stepped up close to him and mindful of all the medical equipment that Mike was connected to she took his hand in hers. Harvey sat down on a chair next to them. He suddenly felt incredibly tired. 

– SUITS –


	30. Chapter 30

Mike remained unconscious. Both Harvey and Donna stayed with him. A doctor stopped by and upped Mike’s medication a bit, and after that he looked more comfortable than before. He was asleep for another four hours after that before he showed any signs of waking up. It was a slow process and Donna was the one who noticed it first. 

Harvey didn’t really know what he had expected how it would be when Mike woke up again, but it wasn’t this. He had expected Mike to maybe be a bit groggy and tired, but that was all. Donna nudged him on the arm and indicated at Mike. 

“I think he is waking up.” It was true because Mike’s eyelids were starting to open. It looked like it took a lot of effort, and Harvey almost wanted to lean forward and help the kid out, but poking him in the eye probably wasn’t good. 

“Hi sweetie. That’s it, open your eyes. I like to see them opened Mike.” Donna encouraged. Eventually they fluttered open long enough for Harvey and Donna to see that Mike wasn’t really with them at all. It’s amazing that you actually could tell from just one look, that Mike was out of it. In a second his face transformed from its rather peaceful unconscious state unto one of discomfort and pain. His open mouth let out a soft moan as he blinked straight ahead. 

“Mike, honey, can you hear us? Are you okay?” 

Mike didn’t react and just twisted a bit on the bed and his hands grasped the sheets. Donna tried again to get some sort of contact with him but it didn’t work. Harvey met her worried eyes and tried himself. 

“Mike, it’s okay. You are okay.” He said, trying to get eye contact. 

“I’ll get someone.” Donna said and disappeared. 

“Hey, Mike. You with me?” Harvey patted his arm a bit. Mike just groaned again and moved jerkily beneath his hand, his eyes were glazed over and flickered open and close rapidly. Mike moaned and his hands searched their way up to his chest. “Oww…” 

“I know, I know.” Harvey murmured. “You will be okay soon, kid. Just hang on.” Where was Donna with the doctor? 

It seemed like Mike was in a great deal of pain and he moved around on the bed the best he could, as if he was trying to get away from the hurt. It was like he wasn’t aware of anything else. Harvey couldn’t manage to get any sort of contact with him. Thankfully a nurse and a doctor rushed into the room with Donna on their heels a minute later. Harvey got up and out of the way and Mike was soon asleep again. 

“Hopefully he will be a bit more comfortable the next time he wakes up.” The nurse told them before she once again left them alone with Mike. 

“Harvey? Are you okay? You look really pale.” Donna said as she sat down next to him again. 

“You saw him. He was even aware of where he was.”

“I was asking how you are.”

He glanced at her. He knew that she probably was concerned about him, but she shouldn’t be. Mike was the one who just had to be sedated to not be in too much pain. 

“It’s just, he is hurting and I can’t do a damn thing.” 

“You are doing something Harvey. You are there for him.”

“Yeah, but I rather would see that he wasn’t in pain.” 

“He is okay now.” 

“That’s because he is sedated.” 

“And he is not in pain Harvey.” 

Harvey let out a deep sigh. “Yeah I guess you are right.” Donna lightly punched him on the arm. “Of course I am.” She said. Harvey honestly felt like shit at the moment. Somehow he felt guilty over the fact that he couldn’t help Mike in any way, guilty over that it was Mike who was the one in such an immense pain, and not him. He knew it was irrational but it was just how he felt. He knew that Donna probably knew how he was feeling and she did her best trying to cheer him up. But he could see on her that this was hard for her too. Mike was their friend. 

Harvey didn’t want Mike to wake up in pain again. He was praying that he wouldn’t, however his prayers weren’t exactly answered because when Mike woke again he was still hurting. Harvey and Donna had silently been talking when Mike started to stir again. They both waited for his reaction. Mike blinked sluggishly and looked around the room until his eyes settled on Harvey. 

“Harvey?” He asked. 

“Yes, hey Mike.” 

“What’s going on? Where am I?” Mike mumbled as he screwed his eyes shut again. 

“You are at the hospital Mike. You are fine.” 

“No…No…” 

“What’s wrong Mike?” 

“It hurts. My chest.” Mike whispered and looked up at him. “Why does it hurt so much?” 

“They had to shock you Mike. Maybe that’s why.” 

There were tears at the edge of Mike’s eyelashes. He just nodded weakly and looked away. Donna stroke Mike’s arm and went for a doctor again. They looked him over and assured him that things would get better soon. Mike just nodded with an expression full of disbelief. 

Mike slept on and off after that. He was miserably and quiet when he was awake. Harvey just wished that it was something more that he could do than just sit there and watch Mike struggle to cope. Why wasn’t the meds working? Shouldn’t they take away the pain? 

“Where is Donna?” Mike’s hoarse voice asked. 

“She had to leave for a bit.”

“Why? I thought she was going to be here.” 

“What? I’m good enough for you?” Harvey joked. Mike did not appreciate it. 

“No. I didn’t mean…” he said. “I was just wondering where she was.” 

“She will be back later Mike.” 

“Okay…” Mike whispered. He looked so sad where he was. A few minutes later his breath hitched and he started crying. It looked like he was trying to hold it in but was failing. 

“Oh, hey come on…” Harvey put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. She will come.”

“No…” Mike groaned. “It just hurts a bit…” 

“Just a bit?” 

Mike actually let out a laugh in the middle of the tears. “Yeah. A b-bit.” He said. Harvey smiled at him and then he just sat there next to Mike as he cried. He tried to offer comfort and Mike did try to receive it, however it seemed like he just couldn’t stop being sad, and it was killing Harvey to see him try like that. 

“I’m sorry.” He said one time, and Harvey just shook his head and told him not to apologize. “It’s not your fault.” 

Mike didn’t answer him, just grabbed the sheets tighter in his hands and closed his eyes again. He was breathing hard and Harvey yet again felt helpless. 

– SUITS –

Mike didn’t really know how long he had been asleep when he woke up. He didn’t feel good at all. He was sweaty and felt shaky. His whole body felt itchy and his chest was hurting. 

He had woken up a few times before. He was so grateful to Harvey and Donna because either both or one of them had been there every time, and that was just great.   
He remembered what had happened at the office. He remembered the feeling in his chest of his heart acting strange, and then the fear he had felt that he was in fact dying. He had really believed that for a second. They had to shock his heart to get it to beat right again! That was scary to think of, so he really preferred not to. But his mind kept going there anyway. 

The last time he had woken up he had cried. He just felt so bad. All of these feelings inside him just got too much and he had started crying and embarrassed himself in front of Harvey. But Harvey hadn’t seemed to mind all that much, which was good. He had just been sitting there saying nice things until Mike fell asleep again. Harvey was here now too. When he noticed that Mike was awake he put his phone in his pocket and sat up straighter. 

“I see you are awake. How are you doing? Any pain?” He looked worried. Probably scared that Mike was about to burst into tears again. 

“A bit.” He said. 

“Donna was just here. She went to grab us something to eat. Are you hungry?”

Mike shook his head. He did not want to eat. He would throw up. 

“Oh come on. You can eat something.” 

“I’m not really hungry Harvey.”

“You don’t have to be hungry to eat. You can do it anyway.” 

“Okay, but I don’t want to.” Harvey studied him with a frown on his face.

“You should eat. You won’t get better if you don’t eat.” he and Mike suddenly felt angry. Why couldn’t he just stop?

“Yeah, like that is going to solve all my problems!” He spewed out, surprising himself a bit. Harvey also looked surprised at his outburst, but he continued. “If I just eat everything will be better and I won’t fucking die, is that what you are saying!?” 

“Woah…” Harvey held up his hands. “That’s not what I was saying Mike.” 

“Yeah, because no matter how much I eat I won’t get better!” 

“I guess you are feeling better at least, to be able to yell like this.” Harvey had a smirk on his face and Mike just felt pissed. He was just ignoring what he was saying. 

“Shut up!”

“Did you wake up on the wrong side?” 

Mike did his best to just glare at him, and then turn on his bed as much as he could, with his back against Harvey. He wished he could just storm out of the room, but he was hooked up on way too many machines for that to be a good idea. 

“All right Mike. Be mad. I’ll just wait here for Donna then.”

Mike didn’t answer him.

“You know, she probably have something for you too. You are the one that has to deal with her. Don’t expect any help from me.”

Mike felt like crying again now. It was good that Harvey couldn’t see his face. He didn’t want Harvey to say that, that he wasn’t going to help him. He wanted Harvey to help him. With everything. He bit his lip and forced the tears away. He focused on his chest instead. On the pain he felt there. It was something else to think about.   
Harvey was right. When Donna came back she had bought him some yoghurt that she wanted him to eat. He did, ignoring Harvey the entire time. If Donna noticed anything she didn’t say so. 

The pain in his chest didn’t ease up until two days later. They had him on pretty high doses of pain relief so things wasn’t that bad. But he didn’t like being at the hospital. Nothing happened there. Nothing pleasant at least. He got to go on a bunch of different tests, some worse than others. Donna was with him during a painful one and sat next to his head and held his hand. 

Harvey and Donna was there as much as they could. At least that was what Mike thought, because they were there a lot. Not all the time, but often. At least it was like that in the beginning of his hospital stay. Even Jessica had stopped by. And Rachel came a few times. Louis also stopped by which had been kind of awkward and Mike had ended up faking sleep until Louis left again. He appreciated the thought though. 

But as the days past and they wouldn’t let him go home, the visits didn’t happen as often. He didn’t feel like he could say something about that to his visitors. It was not like he could do much to entertain them while they were there. He was tired a lot and would fall asleep on them, sometimes in the middle of the conversation. Sometimes when he woke up they had left, but almost every time there was a note on the night stand or a text on his phone. 

He wanted to go home now though. Today was a bad day. It was his sixth day at the hospital and felt done with it all. He felt awful today. He had barely slept since they insisted on coming and waking him up to draw blood for a test, or check his temperature or blood pressure. No one had visited today and it was past lunch. They had probably all forgotten him. Or they didn’t care. Whatever it was they wasn’t here and he was alone. 

He felt warm and upset. And bored. He was just laying there on his bed alone with his thoughts. He had even tried to get his nurse to stay a bit with him. It was the one named Amanda and she stayed with him for a while, but he noticed that she threw a glance at the watch when she though he didn’t notice. He let her go then.   
He was so relieved when Harvey stopped by later that night. He almost wanted to cry when he saw him. 

“You doing okay?” Harvey must have noticed him tearing up because he patted his shoulder and left his hand there longer than he needed. 

They small talked a bit. Harvey told him about his new case that was pretty high profile. It was getting late and Mike was getting sad. 

“How long do I have to stay here?” he asked Harvey, who got serious and turned his attention to him from the TV. 

“I don’t know more than you Mike. They said a while longer right?”

“Yeah, but like, how long is that? A while? That could be one more day or one more week. They are always so vague. I hate that.”

“It’s because they don’t know for sure. And you never know with you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I just mean that you might get a complication at any time and they want to keep you another week.”

“Don’t say that.” Mike muttered. 

“You will probably be able to come home soon Mike. You are not in any pain now right?”

“No. I feel fine.” Harvey raised an eyebrow. “Okay. I feel okay.”

“Then maybe tomorrow.” Harvey looked at his phone. “I should get going kid.” He said. 

“Can’t you stay?” Mike blurted out before he could stop himself. He didn’t want Harvey to go. He didn’t want to be alone. An uncomfortable silence spread between them as Harvey looked at him. Mike suddenly felt hopelessness spread within him. Harvey didn’t want to stay here with him. He wanted to leave and get back to his own life, not sit on a chair in a hospital with Mike.

“You know what, just forget it.” He said before Harvey could answer. 

“Mike…”

“It’s fine. You can go. I know you want to.”

”I wish I could stay Mike, but I…” He paused. 

“Yeah, you can’t. I get it.” 

Harvey pursed his lip while he looked at Mike. “You know what. I can stay one more hour.” He said and sat down again. Mike couldn’t help but smile. He got one more hour. That was nice. 

– SUITS –

Mike didn’t want him to go. Mike didn’t want to be alone. Harvey just couldn’t get himself to leave the kid. He hadn’t been able to visit him yesterday and he felt a bit guilty about it. He also felt that it wasn’t really fair to Mike for him to take on the new case he had now. He had kind of thought that after the case with Louis he would have more time for Mike, but this new case was too good to say no too. He had made a deal with Jessica that if things turned for the worse with Mike, she would step in and help him out with the case. She had asked him whether he shouldn’t pass it on to someone else, but he had declined that offer. He could do both. So what if he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, because Mike wanted him there. He had told Mike about the case and he had seemed somewhat exited as well. But now Mike was like another person. His whole person changed. His shoulders slumped down, he wouldn’t meet his eyes that was until Harvey told him he would stay a bit longer. Mike looked happy then. That made Harvey happy too. It had been so easy to make another person feel better. Just by saying that he wouldn’t leave. Harvey had never experienced much of that before. 

It was true that the hospital people didn’t want Mike to leave the hospital yet. They were concerned about his heart. It was all pretty scary. It was like Harvey hadn’t really realized it until now, just how sick Mike actually was. His heart had started to beat out of rhythm. Of course he had known that there was a high possibility that something like this was going to happen sooner or later. But now it had. He hadn’t really talked about it with Mike. He had discussed it with Donna though. She was just as worried as he felt. He didn’t tell her that though. 

Mike fell asleep before the hour was up and Harvey left after telling the night nurse to call him if Mike woke up and was upset. If that happened he was going to head over. His mind flashed back to the night when Mike had been standing in his bedroom crying. He hadn’t really talked much about that either with Mike so he didn’t know if Mike was troubled by such sadness every night or not. Maybe they should talk more. 

Mike was allowed to leave late in the afternoon the next day. However he was not allowed to do anything that might tire him, including working. Mike had complained of course but had been run over both by Harvey and his doctor. 

Harvey brought him home and when they got there Mike fell asleep on the couch and slept until Harvey woke him up and forced him to move to his bed. He slept almost until noon the next day. It was a Saturday so Harvey was home. They spent the day on the couch watching movies and had pizza for dinner. Mike how amazingly slept his way through half the movies seemed happier than Harvey had seen him in a long time. He was joking and insulting Harvey for not cooking for dinner. Then exclaimed his love for the pizza when it arrived. 

Sunday was practically the same, except that Mike was in a lot of pain when he woke in the morning. Harvey didn’t know how long he had been awake when he stepped in to the kid’s bedroom and saw his red rimmed eyes. 

“You should have called out for me.” Harvey told him as he helped Mike with the pain pills. Mike didn’t say a word just swallowed them dry and then accepted the water Harvey handed him. 

Harvey felt a bit frustrated. Mike kept doing this, refusing to talk to him, to tell him when he was in trouble. Sure he got that it might be hard for Mike to do so, but they had talked about it many times and still Mike was suffering in silence unnecessary. 

Monday morning had Harvey hesitating on what to do with Mike. They had talked about it last night, and Mike had accepted that he needed to stay at home. He had been okay about it, Harvey had asked him three times. However he doubted that Mike really was okay with staying alone. Harvey needed to head to the office for a while. Now he was watching Mike sleep, and wasn’t sure if he should wake him, but did. 

“Mike. Hey, can you wake up for a minute. I’m heading out now.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Mike groggily said. He looked like he was about to fall asleep again any minute. 

“Do you feel all right?” 

Mike assured him he was, and fell asleep again before Harvey left the room. He just shook his head and left a glass of water and Mike’s pills next to him on the night stand. 

– SUITS –

Mike wished he could just go back to sleep again, but the thing was that he had been sleeping for probably fourteen hours or so already today. He was alone in Harvey’s apartment and he wished he wasn’t. He just hated his life right now. He really did. This was the fifth day since he came home from the hospital. He hadn’t really done much during these days. He had spent much of this last three days alone while Harvey was at work. He tried to sleep as much as he could then, it was a better alternative than laying awake and thinking. 

Right now, he couldn’t really see anything that didn’t suck in his life. He was in pain, he was tired all the time, and whenever he was awake he just felt so down and scared all the damn time. The worst however was the loneliness. He didn’t know why he felt so lonely. Well at this moment he knew, he was alone, but he also felt alone when Harvey was there. It was so weird. He felt lonely even though Harvey was sitting just behind him by the table. 

His brain really was messed up! He tried to comfort himself with the thought that it wasn’t his fault, it was the meds and the cancer and the fact that he was fucking dying! It was like he didn’t know how to deal with it all. What he felt like doing was to just scream or cry or both until something inside him changed. He just wanted something to change. He was just laying on the couch now feeling like crap. But he didn’t really feel up for doing something else. Ever since his heart had that thing where it started beating irregular he had just been so exhausted. He had been told that it was to expect and that he needed to rest as much as he could. Chemo and radiation was put on hold for a while now. He had been worried about it but was assured that it was the best way to go. His body and heart needed a rest. His mind didn’t. 

Harvey hadn’t woken him up this morning. His meds was however neatly placed on the nightstand within reach. He had left that to Harvey, taking care of his medication. He thankful for not having to deal with it himself. Besides, Harvey didn’t trust him to handle his medication by himself anymore, after a little mishap where he accidentally took a double doss, causing Harvey to freak out. He had been forced to the hospital by Harvey, but they just sent him home again. After that Harvey declared himself in charge of the medication. He was surprisingly organized with it and claimed that Donna hadn’t helped him at all when Mike asked.   
Mike wanted Harvey to come now! He was so tired of being alone. He hated it. Sure Harvey or Donna came around lunch time every day and they ate together, but then they left again. He wanted to go with them. He didn’t want to be left here alone, Donna had left like an hour ago after they shared a salad for lunch. She had helped him walk over to the couch where he currently was resting. She told him that she had a lot to do now a days, making Mike feeling guilty. That was because he wasn’t there. Donna was doing his job now as well as her own. That sucked too. He was just causing everyone problems. It was all he did now really. Just about everything involving his person was a problem. 

– SUITS –

Harvey turned the lock on the door and quietly closed the door behind him. It was pretty late and he suspected that Mike had gone to bed already. He normally was up waiting for him, even if Harvey had told him repeatedly not to do that. He had called Mike during the day, and the kid had sounded pretty upset when he told him that he was going to be late. At least Mike had said that he wasn’t in pain or anything like that. Often when he got home the TV would be on and Mike would be asleep on the couch. Sometimes dinner was set on the table when Mike had felt up for it. This night however he couldn’t hear any sound from the apartment at first. However when he started to walk inside of his condo he could hear something. He froze on the spot when he stepped into the kitchen area. It was Mike, and he was crying.

Harvey sighed deeply and just stood in his hallway for a minute collecting himself. He hated the thought of Mike being here alone and upset. The sight of Mike was pretty miserable. He was on his bed, the door had been left wide opened, he had pulled the blanket close against body and was hugging one of the pillows close so that it was mostly covering his face as if he wanted to shut the world out. Harvey let out a silent sigh and quietly left the room. Hopefully Mike hadn’t noticed that he was there. He was just going to collect himself and change clothes before he dealt with whatever was going on with Mike now. He was tired.  
When he got back Mike was still silently crying down into the pillow. Harvey bit his lip and stepped into the room.

“Mike?” he asked and watched as Mike jerked in surprise of his voice. He didn’t answer. 

“Mike are you okay?”

Still no answer, just harsh breaths muffled by pillows. Mike was trying to collect himself, and Harvey patiently waited. 

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Harvey asked and Mike just shook his head. He wouldn’t look at him, and Harvey felt slightly annoyed at being ignored. Sure Mike was upset, but it was not like Harvey had done anything to him. He momentarily considered to just leave Mike alone since he obviously didn’t want to talk. He honestly didn’t feel like sitting there dragging things out of Mike. He wished that Mike for once just would be normal, or act normal. At least not be so upset all the time. 

“Look Mike, what do you want from me huh?” he asked. 

“I didn’t say I wanted something from you.” 

That was true Harvey had to agree, and he regretted that he had asked the question. 

“Clearly something is wrong with you, and I’m just asking what it is here.” He said.

“What isn’t wrong with me?!” Mike exclaimed. He had turned around now. His eyes were blood shut, and he looked tired. 

“Don’t be so dramatic.” 

“Shut up.” 

Harvey sighed. “Can you just tell me what’s wrong, okay?”

“I’m… I’m tired and it hurts, and I’m fucking alone.” Was Mike’s answer. He was panting and seemed to be getting more upset. 

“Okay, calm down, would you.” Apparently that wasn’t the right thing to say because Mike looked at him with something wild in his eyes and struggled to sit up. 

“Calm down. Calm down! You don’t get to tell me that. You don’t get to tell me to do shit!” he spit out. 

“You know what, if you are going to have that tone, you should probably just stay in here. Get some rest.” Harvey managed to keep his voice even, knew Mike was just venting but he really didn’t appreciate being the target. 

“Yeah? So? That’s not really anything new Harvey. Guess what I have been doing the whole damn day!” 

“Well, that’s what you are supposed to do. You are sick.”

“I know!” Mike yelled. Face red. Tears started to well up in his eyes again and he angrily wiped them away. “Damn it!” he swore. Harvey thought that he did best in not to say anything at the moment. Mike was just sitting there on the bed, staring down at it. He didn’t move. Harvey went and got the chair from his desk and dragged it so that he could sit down in front of Mike. He sat down and waited a bit. Mike was trembling a bit now, but hadn’t moved.

”You want to tell me what’s going on with you Mike?” Harvey quietly asked. He got Mike’s attention at that, and they locked eyes. All the annoyance Harvey previously felt disappeared at that moment and he almost felt ashamed for it. Mike looked so sad. 

“Hey…”

”It just…” Mike started. ”No one want’s to deal with me. No one want’s me around. I heard you before. You came and then you left again.” Mike rambled, breaking eye contact. 

“Shit, Mike. I didn’t know you”

“What? That I heard you? You know, even my grandma, she got stuck with me too when my parents died. She never asked for me. No one ever does.” Mike whispered and interrupted Harvey. This broken statement completely took Harvey off guard. What was happening now? 

“Mike… That’s not true.” He started.

“Yes it is! No one wants me. I’m alone all the time. I don’t get why I’m even doing this?” he mentioned for his chest. “It’s not like anyone will miss me anyway. After.”

“Hey…” Harvey tried.

“No one wants me. I might just as well die.”

“Stop it Mike!” 

“No, why should I even do the treatment? It’s not like it’s going to work! It’s heart cancer. You can’t survive that!”

“Mike shut up!” Harvey suddenly yelled making Mike freeze on the spot. Harvey’s heart was beating hard in his chest. What the hell was going on here? What was the kid talking about? Did he really feel that way?”

“You need to fight this Mike!” he exclaimed.

“Why should I?! There is not like anybody needs me here anyway.” Harvey stopped himself from yelling back and just stared at the kid. Did he really believe that? 

“I do.” He whispered after a few moment of silence. Mike was breathing like he had been running. But at this Mike froze and just looked at him before he said “You do?” 

”Of course I do, you idiot!” He was back to yelling again. He wanted Mike to get it. ”So don’t you dare give up! And never fucking talk like that again.” He spit out the last words, making Mike flinch but he didn’t care. He wanted Mike rattled, he wanted him to know.

“I’m sorry about before. I shouldn’t have just left like that I should have said something. I just needed… I’m sorry you had to be alone Mike.” He really meant it. 

– SUITS –

Mike didn’t know what he was doing or saying. It all just came out of him before he had a chance to think it through. Now he felt totally pathetic. But Harvey had said that he needed him. Harvey actually wanted him around. He hadn’t gotten mad when he got home and found Mike crying like a baby again. Harvey just said he had needed, something. And now he was sitting there and apologizing to him. It kind of felt good that Harvey did that, so Mike just kept going. There was no point in stopping now. He might as well just get it all out. 

”I’m just so tired of all of this Harvey.” 

“What are you tired of kid?”

Mike felt his eyes start to water. “Everything.” 

“What are you saying Mike?” Harvey looked both concerned and angry all of a sudden. 

“I can’t pretend anymore.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“I don’t want to be alone.” There he had said it. He had finally said it. He watched Harvey for a reaction. He looked a bit relieved but also surprised, apparently it was not what he had been expecting to hear. 

“Pretend?” he mumbled. “I thought that you… Okay, so you don’t want to be alone. What do you mean?” 

“I don’t like it.” 

“Yeah, I got that.” Harvey was just sitting there and staring at him, waiting for him to continue. 

“I get scared.” He whispered. 

“What?” 

Mike wasn’t sure if he didn’t hear him, or if he just thought it was stupid. 

“I get scared and sad.” He said a bit louder. “I can’t handle it anymore. You just leave me here all alone, or at the hospital or in your office, and I just… I don’t want   
you to do that.” He was crying now. He was trying to hold it in, but Harvey was just sitting there with an emotionless face. 

“Say something!” He yelled. ”Say something, don’t just sit there.”

Harvey sighed.

“What do you want me to say Mike?”

“I don’t know! Figure it out yourself.” His emotions really was all over the place.

Harvey still didn’t say anything, which let Mike continue. Maybe that had been Harvey’s plan. 

“I want you to stop leaving!” He yelled. “Everybody always leaves, and I don’t want you to do that as well. Not you too!” 

Harvey suddenly stood up then. “What the hell make you think that I will? I’m not going to abandon you! I have told you that. I’m not!”

Mike stopped, Harvey’s outburst made him unsure on how to react. When he didn’t say anything, Harvey sat down again and leaned back in his chair and rubbed his face with both hands. 

“Look Mike. I know things sucks for you, and all of this must be extremely difficult. And I know I’m not really handling it very well. But I’m doing my best.” 

“I know Harvey.”

“Yeah, but clearly my best sucks. I don’t want you to feel alone, okay?” 

”I know.” 

“It’s just with work and all… and this… I have never done anything like this before.”

“Yeah, it’s my first time having cancer too.” Mike snapped. 

Harvey ignored him. “This is good Mike. That you are telling me this. I want you to tell me stuff, then I can do something about it.” 

“Yeah…” 

“It will be better. Okay? We’ll figure something out.” Harvey promised, and Mike wanted to believe him. Harvey reached over and patted his knee a bit. “Are we good?” He asked and Mike nodded. 

”You want to hang out in the living room then? I guess you haven’t eaten yet. ” 

Mike followed him to the couch and they had dinner and watched some TV, neither of them bringing up any more of what they just had talked about. Harvey looked really tired and Mike thought he looked older than usual. He hadn’t really thought of how Harvey was feeling before. He had looked so upset when Mike said those stupid things about not doing the treatment. He had never seen Harvey look like that before, and it made something twitch inside of him. Harvey really cared. He knew that now. He should have known all along, but just sometimes he wasn’t sure. He hadnt thought of the fact that maybe this was difficult to deal with for Harvey as well. Had he been selfish when all he kept thinking about was how hard all of this was for him, Mike. It must be hard for Harvey as well, of course. He just hadn’t thought about that until now. 

“Your best doesn’t suck.” He said out in the room, keeping his eyes on the TV, but saw how Harvey looked at him. 

“Good.” Harvey said after a while, and when Mike looked at him, he too had his eyes on the TV. 

– SUITS –

Harvey decided to stay at home the next day with Mike. Neither of them said anything about it, but Mike seemed happier. They both knew of course, that the reason Harvey stayed at home was because of the conversation they had had, but according to Harvey it was the right thing to do. He couldn’t stay home every day. That wasn’t going to work, so they had to figure something out later, but for now, today it was fine. He couldn’t have Mike being afraid. He hadn’t known that he actually felt afraid when he was alone. That was just terrible. He could imagine Mike laying there on his bed alone in the apartment, waiting and scared. That wasn’t right.   
Now however it seemed like Mike had a fever. Harvey forced him to take his temperature it found that he was correct. 

“I’m just warm that’s all.” 

“Yeah. Sure. Are you aware of that you are about to spill juice all over my couch?” Harvey asked. Mike wasn’t, and clumpsily put down the glass again. Unfortunately his fever got higher during the day. Harvey had noticed that Mike with a fever wasn’t a good thing at all. Maybe he had had one last night as well. He got extra emotional when he had them. This time though he seemed more confused than anything. Good thing I stayed at home Harvey thought. Mike suddenly got up from the couch where he had been laying and started for the corner of the living room.

”Mike, were are you going?” Harvey carefully asked and got up as well. He did his best to make his voice sound natural. Mike was standing on the floor in the middle of the room and paused when Harvey spoke to him. Mike looked at him for a while before he turned in the direction he had been aiming for. Harvey couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in his head. He looked even more confused when he turned back at Harvey. 

“I don’t know.” He stated. He looked back into the corner and pointed towards it. “I was going…” 

“There is nowhere for you to go there Mike.”

“No there isn’t.” Mike agreed. ”But I thought…”

“Why don’t you come and sit down over here with me instead?” Harvey suggested. 

Mike looked back and forth between him and the corner, before he nodded a bit and came stumbling towards him. That was a win. He restrained himself from reaching out and steading the younger man, and walked with him to the couch where they sat down. Harvey patted Mike’s back a bit. 

“You are okay.” He told him. 

”Okay.” Mike said. Harvey could only relax when Mike was asleep a bit later. 

They had a problem in front of them now. Harvey needed to work, he needed to head in to the office, but now he couldn’t really leave Mike by himself. At least not when Mike was in this state. Sure he could have Donna watch him, but he couldn’t really order her to do that all the time. Hopefully Mike would get a bit better soon so that he could come to work. 

Harvey’s prayers where heard because in the next few days Mike got better. He was at the hospital and they said the same thing. Maybe not with those words, but according to Mike he was good enough to go to work. If he took it easy. So Harvey agreed that he could come. However he came to regret that decision deeply because of what happened one the third day Mike was back at work. He should have just left him at home. 

Anything would have been better than bringing Mike to work that day. 

– SUITS –


	31. Chapter 31

“What’s going on out there?” Harvey said, irritated. Someone was shouting. Mike looked up from the files on his lap. He was on the couch with a blanket over his shoulder that Harvey had thrown at him after Mike had complained about four times that it was cold in his office. 

“Yeah, what is that?” Mike asked. It sounded like the shouting was coming closer now. “That doesn’t sound good.” Mike said worriedly. 

“It’s probably nothing.” Harvey looked down at his laptop again, trying to ignore the shouting from down the hall. He looked up again when he heard Mike gasp. He looked over at Mike and saw that he had backed up on the couch and had a terrified expression on his face. He was staring with wide eyes at the door.

“What is..” Harvey started to say and followed Mike’s gaze. He got quiet in surprise at what he saw. A man stood in the doorway wearing a hood over his face and was pointing a gun directly at him. Shit!

“Oh, hello.” The man said. “I kind of need you to come with me.” He waved the gun in the direction from which he had come. When they just stared at him in shock, he yelled “Now!”

Harvey and Mike shared a look and Harvey could see the terror in the younger man’s eyes. Right then and there he promised himself that nothing was going to happen to his associate. He wouldn’t let them hurt him. Harvey quickly got up and went around his desk and blocked the gun man’s path with Mike behind him. He knew the kid was slow in getting up and wanted to buy him some time. 

“Hurry up.” 

Harvey heard Mike getting up behind him and something falling to the floor. He glanced back and saw that it was both the blanket and the files that had been on Mike’s lap. Mike was standing behind him now and they both looked at the man with the gun. 

“This way.” He mentioned and let them walk past him and down the hall. He guided them into one of the large conference rooms, where a whole bunch of the firm’s employees already were gathered. Jessica, Louis and Donna were all there, as well as a few associates and a couple of the other partners. 

“Over there, by the wall.” The man said and pointed. Harvey took a hold of Mike’s arm and steered him in front him, as the same time as he steadied him. Mike was trembling. They reached the wall and Mike just sank down on the floor leaning against the wall. Harvey hesitated for a second before he got down next to Mike, the rest of the people in the room were standing up. He didn’t like to be at a disadvantage like this on the floor but felt that he needed to stay down with Mike. The kid hadn’t said a word since he first saw the gun man, and it worried him a bit. Although it wasn’t that strange if Mike was scared. Mike was fragile to begin with, he didn’t need this on top of everything!

There was another black hooded, huge guy standing next to the door pointing his gun steadily at the rest of the group. 

“Was that the last of them?” He asked the guy who just had gotten Harvey and Mike. 

“Yeah, I think so. Some others might have gotten away, but I think we got what we need right here.” 

“And what is it that you need?” Jessica suddenly asked. Harvey looked over at her and saw that she looked furious, which she probably was, this was taking place at her firm after all, right under her nose. 

“Oh, right now that’s none of your concern lady.” They didn’t even look at her. 

“Will they be a problem?” the steady guy said. He didn’t take his eyes of his hostages. 

“Eh...I think we are okay. We just have to hurry up a bit more I guess.” 

The steady guy nodded and kept pointing the gun. The other one spoke. 

“All right. This is what’s going to happen people, we are going to need your help for a little while. You don’t need to do that much. You will remain were you are right now. You will not try to do anything that we won’t like. You will keep quiet and no one will get hurt. Are we clear? So, anyone got a computer?”   
No one said anything. 

“Oh come on, don’t be like that. This guy over here,” He walked up to his companion and put his gun free hand on his shoulder “And I, we are in a bit of a mess and we need your help for just a little bit.”

Everyone was silent. 

“Oh come, we brought guns for a reason, and you know. We would prefer not to have to use them on you. It’s messy.” He grimaced behind his hood that had holes for his eyes and mouth. 

He walked closer to the people in front of him. They were all standing so that the conference table was between them and the men. Harvey and Mike were the only ones that was on the side, with a bit of distance from the others. It was one of the conference rooms with only the one door, and the men had made them all stand far away from it. Harvey noticed that Mike was breathing deeply next to him and glanced over. The kid was staring at the scene in front of him with a deathly pale face. Harvey still had a grip on his arm, and now he squeezed a bit to get Mike’s attention. When Mike looked at him he whispered at him. “It’ll be okay.” He gave Mike a smile too, and to his relief Mike nodded and managed a weak smile back before he yet again focused his attention on the gun men. They were harassing on of the partners, who was now forced to step forward. Harvey gritted his teeth as the woman stumbled a bit in fear. 

“Maybe we will shoot you a little.” The short guy said. He seemed to be a bit crazy, the way he was talking was like to a bunch of preschoolers. 

“Leave her alone.” Jessica was telling them then. She was apparently not letting anything happen to any of her employees. 

“All she has to do is go with me and get her computer over here, while Jimmy here is keeping an eye on the rest of you.” 

“Damn it!” The tall guy swore suddenly, and the shorter jerked a bit. “Oh, shit. Sorry.” He said realizing his slip up with the name. 

“Well, we haven’t introduced ourselves, have we?” He said. “Let’s all do that first. This obviously Jimmy, and my name will be Jack. Jim and Jack. Those are good names, right?” He laughed a bit but then straightened up and pointed the gun to the women whose computer they wanted. 

“What’s your name, Madame Lawyer?” 

After that he made all of them say their names, as he pointed his gun at them in order. He made fun of one of the associates name for a while and then it was Harvey’s turn. The guy stepped closer to them, but before Harvey got to say his name the tall guy spoke.

“Quit playing games and just do what we are here for.” He said angrily. 

“Jim, it’s just two more left.” The other guy said and turned his attention back to Harvey.

“What might your name be?”

“Harvey.”

“What?” 

“Harvey.”

“Weird. Sounds like an old guy’s name.” Harvey just glared at him. Insulting his name, what was this guy’s deal? Maybe something was wrong in his head. He had turned his attention to Mike now.

“You?” He demanded, and Mike told him in a shaky voice.

“What? Come on, speak up.” The guy said and Mike swallowed loudly next to Harvey. 

“Mike,” Harvey said then. “His name is Mike. Are you done now?” 

“Mike, that’s a nice name.” The guy said, ignoring Harvey. “Are you scared Mike?” He asked, took a few steps closer and then pointed the gun straight to Mike’s face.   
Harvey could feel Mike tensing under his hand, seeing the guy smiling and he was just about to intervene when the huge guy spoke. 

“You done?” 

“Yep.” Jack said and lowered his weapon and turned away towards the chosen partner. Mike at that moment twisted his arm out of Harvey’s grip and instead grabbed hold of Harvey’s wrist. Mike looked close to tears, and Harvey felt so bad for him. This was exactly the kind of stress they were supposed to stay away from. Mike did not need to have a hostage situation to deal with. Harvey really needed to get him out of there!

“You are coming with me.” Jack told the female partner and they left, while Jim was standing there watching them. Harvey managed to catch first Jessica’s eyes and then Donna’s. Jessica mostly looked angry and Donna looked very worried. Her eyes flickered behind Harvey towards Mike, and he understood that she was thinking along the same lines as he was.

“Mike?” He whispered, and Mike looked at him. “It will be fine. It will be over before you know it.” 

“Hey!” The guy with the gun shouted and Harvey quieted. He couldn’t draw attention to himself, because that would also be drawing attention to Mike, but he needed the kid to get out of here. Preferable before Mike’s heart decided to try something bad. 

– SUITS –

Mike couldn’t believe it where we he was sitting on the floor next to Harvey. He kind of wished that he could move further into the room. He felt too exposed here, closest to the glass walls. 

The guy who called himself Jack seemed have a screw loose. He was waving his gun around as if it was a daily occurrence for him, but who knew maybe it was. The other guy was just standing there like a statue watching them all. His gun arm didn’t waver even though he had been in the same position for a long time now. 

As soon as Mike had seen the guy with the gun for the first time something that Harvey told him once flew through his mind, what do you do when someone holds a gun to your head? Harvey had said that you take the gun, pull out a bigger gun or call their bluff or you do one of another 146 things. However, in those first few seconds Mike couldn’t think of any other things to do, and he wasn’t really fit for a fight about a gun at the moment. He was the one who had woken up that morning having to rush to the bathroom to throw up his dinner from last night. 

Harvey hadn’t done anything either so Mike felt kind of relieved that he wasn’t the only one. All Mike wanted was to get through this quickly and go home with Harvey. He wished they would just hurry up. He didn’t really feel that good. And he was scared! He was perfectly fine with admitting that to himself. He didn’t want to get shot! It’s not strange to be afraid of big, crazy guys with guns. 

He looked over towards Donna, who was standing a bit behind Louis. She looked freaked out, but when she noticed that Mike was looking at her she smiled at him and he thought he managed to smile back. 

He had almost freaked out when the guy had pointed the gun straight to his face and he had been staring down the barrel of the gun. He felt humiliated when tears gathered in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He did not want to let this guy know that he was afraid, but apparently he didn’t have to say anything because they guy could see it on him and had mocked him in front of everyone. He tried to persuade himself that this was nothing, he was fighting heart cancer for god sakes. This should be nothing! But it was, it was scary as hell, because at least with the cancer he kind of knew what was happening and it was happening pretty slowly. In this situation though, he had no idea what those guys was going to do, and it could all be over in a second if they decided to shoot them all. 

Just then Jack and the partner came back with a laptop that they put on the table and started up. 

“Now, we need a volunteer that will get us what we need here.” Jack pointed with the gun towards a computer. No one said anything or moved. Some of the partners looked angry. Jack sighed. 

“Okay, I forgot you are lawyers, you don’t like to do what you are told, you have to make deals and stuff right? We’ll do like this then. The deal is I won’t shoot this lady here, if someone helps me.” He pointed at the partner who had gotten the computer for him.

“Fine.” Jessica stepped up and started to walk around the table. 

“Nice, nice. You are the boss right?” He sounded excited and pulled out the chair for her and she took a seat with a grim expression on her face.

“All right, click there.” Jack said as he leaned over Jessica’s shoulder. She moved further away from him on her seat, but did what he asked. “Type in that.” He showed her a piece of paper. Whatever was written on it caused Jessica to look up at the guy and then Mike could see that her gaze moved over to Harvey. Jack calmly put the barrel against her throat, so she typed. Mike felt Harvey jerk beside him, and he tightened his grip on his arm. He wouldn’t let Harvey do something stupid. 

“Good. Good job.” Jack said. “All you have to do now is to transfer all of that onto this.” He put what looked like a USB stick on the table. 

“Do it yourself.” Jessica said coldly. “Do it yourself and let my people go. You don’t need any of us for this.”

“Ah, ah, ah, don’t be like that. We need to be connected to your network, which means we need to be in the building, and if we let you go you will go and tell on us, and we won’t get what we need. So you all need to stay here as an insurance.” He waved the gun around to all of them. 

“Now, just do it. Or I will have to shoot someone a little bit.” He let his eyes wander around the room, apparently looking for a suitable target. He laughed a bit again. He really was crazy. Mike couldn’t help but stiffen when guy’s eyes ended up meeting his own. He looked away but it was too late, the guy must have seen it because he smiled and started walking towards him and Harvey. 

“How about this guy here. He is already sitting down and all. Eh…Mike!” He sounded happy when he remembered his name. “Yes, Mike here. I will shoot him. Unless you start.” He said turned to Jessica. He could hear Donna gasp and Harvey jerked again. Mike felt his breath starting to speed up and he didn’t dare to move an inch. He looked up at Jessica and caught her eyes. She looked straight into his eyes and for a moment he was terrified that she was going to refuse still, but then she nodded and her eyes filled with compassion. 

“Okay.” She said and turned her attention towards the computer. Jack however remained next to Mike, and he was aware of that the gun was pointed to the side of his head. God, he didn’t want die like this!

“She is doing it, now get away from him.” Harvey’s strained voice sounded then and Mike closed his eyes for a moment. Please don’t let the guy get upset. 

“Oh, and what was your name again? Old guy name something right?” He asked. 

“Harvey.” Harvey said through clenched teeth. 

“Yes that’s right. You know I think I had an uncle named Harvey.” 

“That’s nice. I bet he is proud of you.” 

“Well, I think he hung himself actually.” 

“Oh, so you were close then.” 

Jack actually laughed at that. “I like you man.” He said. “So you don’t want me to shoot Mike here then?” 

“No I don’t. She is doing what you are asking so get the hell away from him.” 

“Did you forget the thing I said about insurance? This is the same, and you know what? Now you are getting me convinced that Mike here was the right choice. How about that huh, Mike?” And he nudged Mike’s head with the gun, causing Mike to move away until Harvey got in the way. He couldn’t stop himself from shaking. Damn it! He really didn’t want this guy to know how scared he was. He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t really get his brain to work to figure out something clever to say. He buried his fingers down on Harvey’s arm instead.

“Come on. It’s enough!” Harvey roared. 

“Yeah, and why is that?” 

“Can’t you see that he isn’t feeling well, leave him alone. He doesn’t need this shit.” 

On one hand Mike thought Harvey was right, on the other hand he just wished Harvey would shut up and not aggravate the man more because that was what he was doing, but he apparently didn’t realize it. 

“Yeah, you do look like crap, man.” Jack said to Mike, ignoring Harvey. “What’s wrong with you?” 

Mike just shook his head. “Nothing.” He said quietly. 

“Are you sick?” the guy asked. He then suddenly turned walked over to Jessica, without waiting for an answer making Mike sag in relief. He looked over at Harvey, who just gave him a stern look before he looked over to Jessica as well. Mike knew that the look was not directed to him, Harvey probably wanted to beat that guy to death. 

“How is it going?” Jack said.

“What do you think? It’s a lot, and you are distracting me.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, mam.” He said mockingly. “I’ll just get back to Mike then.” When he got close he crouched down so that he was on eye level with Mike. 

“So what’s wrong with you?” he asked, almost kindly. “You can tell me.” 

When Mike didn’t acknowledge him, he brought up the gun to Mike’s face and stroke his cheek with it. Mike swallowed hard and felt tears pooling in his eyes again, he was breathing quick with an open mouth. He tried not to let the tears fall. It was totally silent in the room. He could hear Harvey breath next to him. 

“Cancer.” He forced out quietly. To his relief the guy removed the gun from his face and stood up.

“Oh that sucks man. I hate cancer.” No one did anything. “Don’t you hate cancer, Jim?” Jack asked his partner who was still standing with the gun pointed to the people across the table.

“Sure do.” Jim said. 

“Yeah, that really sucks. So are you going to die?” 

Mike hated him. This guy really was crazy. He didn’t want to small talk to this guy, the least about his cancer prognosis in a room full of the people he worked with and kind of wanted to respect him. Now he was practically crying on the floor instead and he bet that all of them could see how much he was shaking by now. He had tried to stop doing that but couldn’t relax enough. 

“Are you?” Jack demanded.

“I don’t know.” He said, at the same time as Harvey said “No, he won’t.”

“Oh, well. What kind do you have?” 

Mike didn’t answer. 

“You know.” Jack said then, obviously getting tired of being ignored. “I have a gun here. And I might seem like a nice guy.” Some people including Harvey snorted at that. “But the truth is I’m intending on using this if I have to.” He waved it around again. “I bought new bullets and all. So, this is what I want all of you to do, all of you are going to be quiet except if I ask you a question. Then you will answer. You all got that?” He looked first at Harvey until he reluctantly nodded, then he pointed the gun around the room, until he got nods of agreement from the rest of his hostages. He turned back to Mike again. 

“So, what type of cancer to you have?” he asked again. 

“Heart cancer.” He said.

“Oh wow! Heart cancer. You will most definitely die then.” He smirked. 

“Is the treatment tough?” He asked next and Mike nodded after a moment. 

“Oh…” He got quiet for a while as if he was lost in thought. He glanced over at Jessica and then turned his attention back to Mike. 

“That sucks for you man, “He said next. “But hey, I can help you out you know.” He leaned over Mike and smiled sickly at him. 

“You know, let me tell you something. My little sister died in cancer when I was twenty. You know, her last time was terrible. She would have been better off dead than going through all of that. It was for nothing too, because she still died. She died in pain. You should have seen her. It would have been better if she had just died quickly.” 

He nudged Mike’s shoulder with the gun. Mike shrunk back as much as he could as he stared straight forward. He didn’t know how to react to this. He could feel Harvey shifting his arm around underneath his hand and Harvey removed it from his grip and instead took his hand in his. Jack didn’t notice.

“You know I can help you out.” He said again. “Ease your suffering. Put you out of your misery.” He laughed. “It will be quick. That’s better.” He waved the gun around in front Mike’s face. “Do you want me to?” He asked and leaned forward. 

“Answer me!” He yelled suddenly and Mike shook his head desperately. He did not want that! Jack really seemed to think it would be a better option. 

“Come on,” Harvey interrupted now, ignoring Jack’s earlier request. “Now you know what he is going through. Leave him alone.”

Jack seemed to consider it. “I was just going to do him a favor.” He muttered and turned and walked back to Jessica. Mike let out a few shaky breaths and held on to Harvey’s hand tightly. “Harvey…” He whispered. 

“I know kid, I know. He left. It’s okay.” Harvey whispered back. “Try to relax, kid. I’m not going to let him hurt you.” He said and Mike believed him. Harvey was there. Harvey would help him. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was furious. He hated this. He hated this guy. How did he dare to talk to Mike like that? He really wanted to do something, but he was just sitting there on the floor close to Mike’s trembling body, holding the kids hand. Everything he did now was focused on getting Mike through this unharmed. Preferable all of the people in the room, but especially Mike. Mike really didn’t need this. He had already had a rough morning and now this day turned out disastrous. If they just could take whatever it was they wanted and get the hell out of the firm!

Why wasn’t the police there by now? Surely they would be here by now, but when he glanced at his watch he realized that only about twenty minutes had passed. But still, where was the fucking help?

Jack was now standing next to Jim and whispering something to him and Jim nodded and then whispered something back, but without taking his eyes of the people in front of him. That guy was serious, unlike that idiot Jack. 

Jessica was still typing. Harvey really wondered what she was doing for them. What could morons like these guys want from the firm? Whatever it was they weren’t getting away with this. Harvey would make sure of it. They had threatened Mike, he was never going to forget that. He didn’t get why the guy had singled out Mike of all the people in the room. Easy target maybe, Mike being on the floor and all, looking the way he did. Scared. Mike was really scared. Harvey was too, but he wouldn’t let it show, Mike however didn’t really have his defenses up like a normal person. Mike was practically leaning against him now and Harvey let him. 

They waited for a while when suddenly things were happening fast. Too fast. Jack looked over at the computer Jessica was at and suddenly jumped forward and pulled it away from her while looking at the screen. 

“What did you do?!” He yelled and banged the computer down on the table in anger. “What the hell did you do? Undo it!” He grabbed her shoulder and shook her. 

“Hey! Leave her alone.” Harvey yelled. He wasn’t going to let that guy hurt her either. But then Jack looked up at him and the rage on his face, even if hidden underneath his hood, was clearly visible. Harvey regretted calling out when Jack came storming against him, gun raised. He felt himself tensing and heard Mike let out a whimpering sound in fright. 

“You, shut the hell up! You are a pain in my ass.” Jack yelled. He stopped right in front of Harvey and looked down on him and Harvey intensely wished he wasn’t sitting down on the floor. Jack stared down at him but then his eye caught the sight of Mike’s hand in his. 

Mike was shaking and breathing hard, with his head bent down and Harvey could see that his eyes were closed. When he looked up at Jack again saw that he was still staring at their hands, and then something in his eyes hardened as if he was preparing. The gun in his hand was shaking and dread rose inside of Harvey. Something was going to happen. Jack was going to do something. And then he did. It happened in seconds. Harvey could see as in slow motion how the man’s eyes moved from their fixation on his and Mike’s hands and over to the left side of Mike. Then he raised the hand with the gun and Harvey saw how his fingers on the gun moved as he pulled the trigger. The shot echoed incredible loud in the room, it was short and deafening. That sound was followed by Mike’s scream. 

“No!” Harvey yelled himself just as it happened, just when he realized what the guy was about to do. But it was too late. 

He couldn’t believe it! The guy just shot Mike! Mike had been shot! Mike ripped his hand out of Harvey’s grasp and his body folded in on itself as he curled up and pressed himself backwards and towards Harvey. Harvey reacted instinctively and grabbed hold of Mike dragged him towards him protectively as he simultaneously tried to see where he had been hit. He could hear a few shouts of surprise and shock and someone crying, repeating the word no. His mind registered that it was Donna without giving it more thought. Mike had been shot. 

Jack had staggered away towards Jessica who stared in shock towards Mike. Jack went straight up in her face and screamed again for her to undo whatever she had done that got him so mad. 

“Or that was only the beginning!” He threatened. Jessica nodded and turned towards the computer and started typing again with shaking hands. 

“Everyone shut up and stay were you are.” Jack said, forcing himself to calm down it seemed. “Damn it.” He swore and looked towards Mike. 

Harvey needed to access the damage. His heart was beating hard in his chest as he tried to get Mike to uncurl a bit for him to see. “Mike, Mike, hey Mike…kid. Let me see.” He hushed. Mike was almost hyperventilating and was making pained sounds that broke Harvey’s heart and filled his chest with guilt. The only thing he had set out to prevent had just happened. He could see how blood was spreading on Mike’s shirt. Was he shot in the chest? Please no! But he couldn’t have been, the angle hadn’t been right. 

“Please, Mike, buddy, let me see. I know it hurts. I know.” He murmured against Mike, hoping to get through to him. It seemed like he did because Mike removed his left arm and held out his shaking left hand. Blood was dripping down onto his legs from a gushing wound in the middle of his palm. He had been shot right through his hand! 

“Oh shit.” Harvey breathed out, and Mike moaned. He could hear gasps from the others next to him. “It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.” Mike then slurred, staring at his shaking hand. “Harvey it hurts.” Tears were streaming down his cheeks now. 

“I know, I know. Mike.” Harvey stared at the hand as well. Blood was flowing from the ugly looking wound, down along Mike’s arm and dripping down in his lap. Harvey didn’t know what to do. He had nothing to use on the wound, nothing and Mike needed him to do something not just sit there.

Mike pressed his hand against his chest again, collaring his shirt dark red with blood. His other hand had a death grip on Harvey’s suit jacket. His whole body was shaking against Harvey. He was most definitely in shock. Harvey was terrified for him. This was way too much stress for Mike’s heart. This could cause a heart attack or something! Harvey had one arm around Mike’s back and the other wrapped around him protectively.  
Then he heard sounds next to him. “Give me that.” Someone was saying and the person was walking towards Harvey and Mike. It was Louis, and he had a purple scarf in on hand. 

“Hey! Shut up over there. What the hell are you doing?!” Jack screamed and then another shoot echoed through the room causing people to duck down and scream. Mike who had been whimpering closed his mouth and went rigid. 

Harvey looked up and saw that the bullet had lodged itself in the wall a little to the right of Louis’s head. He was standing perfectly still where he was but turned against Jack and Harvey saw something he never seen in Louis before. 

“I’m going to help them.” Louis said calmly. “He might go into shock as a result of what you just did. And you know that he has heart cancer. You will let me help him. Now.” Louis said coldly. 

Jack stared at him for a long moment and the shrugged his shoulders. “Fine. Help him. Nobody else moves.” He said and turned to Jessica.

“Hurry the hell up!” He yelled. “I don’t want to have to shoot all of your employees.”

Louis knelt down in front of Mike and Harvey. He exchanged a look with Harvey who whispered “Thank you.” Louis just nodded before turning his attention to Mike and his hand. 

“Hi Mike. Will you let me take a look at that?” He said calmly. Mike didn’t react, just sat there with his hand in the same position as before. Louis then carefully reached out and took a hold of his arm and turned it a bit to look at the damage on the hand. Harvey tightened his arm around Mike’s shoulders. Mike didn’t make a sound and just let Louis do what he wanted. 

“You know, it looks worse than it is Mike.” Louis said. “You will be fine, but you are losing a lot of blood, so I will just tie this around your hand, okay?” He asked and looked at Mike’s face. Mike met his eyes and nodded. That was good, the kid was still aware of what was going on. 

“It will hurt a bit.” Louis said as he prepared the scarf. “Just hold on to Harvey.” He said calmly and Harvey immediately offered him his hand, and Mike grabbed it. Harvey felt Mike’s grip tightened as Louis began to wrap his hand. Mike was shaking like he was crying, but didn’t let out any sounds, tears were flowing down in cheeks and Harvey shushed him, until Louis was finished a minute later.

“All done.” Louis whispered and patted Mike’s shoulder. The kid nodded and brought his wrapped hand towards his chest. Louis sat down on the other side of Mike. Harvey felt incredible grateful towards Louis, he had really showed guts right then and really helped out. This had to be over soon, and then they could get Mike to the hospital and get him fixed up. It would be fine, Harvey told himself as he hugged Mike a bit harder. Tears were still streaming down the kids face, but he had calmed down somewhat. He looked awful and terrified as he had his eyes fixed towards Jack and Jim. 

Jack seemed to be riled up because he couldn’t stay still and instead paced back and forth behind Jessica. Jim was still pointing his gun, steady as ever. Suddenly Jessica nodded. “It’s done. Now leave my firm.” She said removing the USB and holding it out. 

Jack stepped forward and grabbed it from her hand. “Oh, thank you. It wasn’t that hard was it? You just needed a bit of convincing. And no harm done anyway” he said grimly. “That kid is as good as dead anyway.” He said and laughed out into the silence in the room. Harvey tensed as Jack stepped towards them. What the hell? 

“You are never going to survive Mike.” Jack said with an indifferent voice and pointed the gun towards the kid, making Harvey too afraid of doing anything else then just sit there like a coward as the man harassed his young friend. 

“Jack.” Jim said behind him. He was slowly backing towards the door. Jack looked over to him and nodded. “One second.” He said.   
Then he towered over Mike and looked into his eyes as he pointed the gun at his chest. “You know, I should just shoot you now, but I won’t.” He said. “Later though, you will think of this moment, and you will wish that I had pulled the trigger.”

He stood up and started to turn away, but stopped himself and came back, causing Mike to let out a sob and push against Harvey, but he kept his eyes locked on Jack’s face. 

“You know what Mike? I will stop by later at the hospital and help you out. End your misery. When you least expect it. I come. I promise.” 

With those words he turned and walked to the door. When he stepped out, Jim was already waiting for him, and the two of them started to run in the directions towards the elevators, disappearing out of sight. 

For a moment no one spoke or moved, but then the tension in the room seemed to be released at the same time, because people started to move, to talk to each other. Some people picked up their phones and Harvey hear how they talked about the police and ambulances. Jessica and Donna both made their way towards Harvey, Mike and Louis who all remained on the floor. 

Mike refused to let go of him. He didn’t say a word, but pressed himself hard against Harvey, pulling at his jacket. He was breathing so heavily through his mouth that Harvey could feel the gushes of air against his neck. Mike had his eyes closed and pressed his forehead hard against Harvey. 

“Hey, Mike. Sweetie.” Donna said with a shaking voice. “It’s over now.” 

“Mike?” Harvey asked, but the kid didn’t respond. He still had his eyes tightly closed. He hadn’t said a word and that worried Harvey enormously. 

“Mike, I’m so sorry this happened to you.” Jessica said quietly, she had kneeled down in front of them. “Is he alright?” She asked and looked worriedly at Harvey, who just shook his head. Mike was far from alright. 

Louis was starting to get up, and looked down at Mike. “Let’s not crowd him. Give him some space.” He said, and the people that had gathered close to them stepped away. 

“Did they leave?” 

“Is the police coming?”

Harvey could hear questions being thrown around and someone was crying. Donna, who had tears in her eyes, had taken Louis’s place on the other side of Mike now. She started to slowly stroke his back while mumbling quiet reassurances to him. “It’s going to be okay. You will be okay. It’s over sweetie.” Were some things he heard. 

Harvey himself felt a bit dazed. At the moment he felt content with just sitting there with Mike’s trembling body close to his while Donna’s whispers were washing over them. She was right. It was over. They had left. The whole thing had only taken about half an hour. But it felt like a lot had been damaged during those minutes. He would never forget the last words Jack had uttered to Mike. Sadness filled him at the thought of that neither would Mike. 

The next minute the room flooded with police officers and a couple of paramedics. Apparently they had been on standby outside the building, the police preparing to make contact with their kidnappers. But it had been over before that. Unfortunately the two men hadn’t been caught. Harvey let out a deep sigh when he heard that.   
Donna moved to the side as two paramedics kneeled down in front of them. 

“Mike and Harvey right?” One of them asked and Harvey nodded. “This is Mike.” He said.

“I understand that you are hurt Mike,” the paramedic said. “Would you let me take a look?” 

“He has been diagnosed with heart cancer a while ago.” Donna said, and the paramedics shared a shocked look. 

“We better get you to the hospital then Mike.” The other paramedic said. “We just want to take a look at you first.” 

Mike’s only reaction was that he pressed even harder into Harvey as he quietly started to sob against him. Harvey stroke his back, and felt tears rise up in his own eyes. He felt so sorry for Mike at the moment. “It’s okay Mike. It’s okay. It’s okay now. Nothing bad will happen to you.” 

Mike shook his head against him. “Will you let me look at your hand? I just want to help.” A paramedic asked. 

“Mike please.” Harvey whispered. Mike slowly uncurled a bit from Harvey then and offered out his hand. He kept his grip at Harvey’s suit jacket though. 

Harvey watched as they removed the scarf from Mike’s messy hand. Mike hissed as the last part was removed. It had gotten stuck in the wound. They made quick work of bandaging it and Mike was given something against the pain, an oxygen mask was placed over his face. They let him stay where he was, slumped against Harvey. The whole time Mike didn’t let go of him. He also didn’t say a word.

However things changed when the paramedics wanted Mike on a gurney and for them to go to the hospital.

– SUITS –

Mike just let them do whatever they wanted to him, as long as he didn’t have to move from his spot next to Harvey. Harvey was great. He let him hold on to his suit without saying anything about it. He came with comforting words sometimes during the wrapping of his hand. It really hurt. He just wanted to scream, but was too tired. 

He wasn’t sure that he had realized yet that the whole thing was over. It felt like he had lost control of what was happing around him. He felt like he barely knew where he was. He just knew that Harvey was there and some paramedics. Donna was there too. She was standing behind them. Every time he looked at her she smiled at him, but he just couldn’t smile back. There was no force at all inside of him at the moment that was able to manage that. He was also aware of that he was crying and that other people was there in the room as well. He didn’t want to cry, but didn’t know how to make it stop. 

He couldn’t see Jack and Jim anywhere. He was pretty sure that they had left. Or were they outside? Did they go to the hospital already? Jack had said that he would be there. Jack had said that he was going to come to the hospital and kill him when he least expected it. To help him out. He didn’t want Jack to help him. He didn’t want to go to the hospital! He was scared. He didn’t want to go there. Jack was going to be there. He didn’t want to die. He just didn’t. 

But it seemed like the paramedics didn’t get it. They told him that they were going to take him there. He shook his head no, but they didn’t care. They kept telling him that they were going to help him there. He just shook his head and shied away from them. He leaned into Harvey and shook his head. He didn’t want to go there. They didn’t care though. 

Harvey started to move behind him. People were talking to him but all he did was shook his head. They were saying that everything was okay, but it really wasn’t. Why couldn’t they understand that?

“Noo…” he whispered to Harvey, who for some reason seemed to be happy when he did. Why?

“I know Mike. I know that you don’t want to. But it’s going to be fine. They won’t be there.” He said. “You have to go buddy.” He patted Mike’s back, and then started to get up from behind him. 

“No, no, no, Harvey, no.” He whispered, wishing with all he had that Harvey would hear him out, but he didn’t. He tried his best in keeping Harvey on the floor, but he failed at that too.

“I’m going too Mike. Please.” He said. Then he was helped to stand up and was lead towards a gurney. Mike let them do it, but started to cry again. He couldn’t fight back, even though it was all he wanted. He just couldn’t do anything to stop it. He was so damn helpless. He didn’t have any strength at all. They laid him down and started to roll him away. Harvey and Donna followed him, and they got into the elevator. He was terrified. He still had some hope that they were just getting out of here, but then he saw the ambulance parked by the side of the road. He noticed briefly that the area around the building had been sealed off and policemen was standing guard, keeping people at bay. 

Then they reached the ambulance and he just panicked. He tried to get off the gurney. He wanted to run. He didn’t want to get in it. He needed to get away! But hands were holding him down, too hard, he couldn’t get up. He just couldn’t even though he tried all he could, strong hands was most likely leaving bruises on his body, they held him so hard. He started to cry really hard when he realized that he wasn’t going anywhere except where they wanted him to go. He was so helpless against them. It was getting hard to breath, he was crying so hard. No one was helping him. He wasn’t even sure if Harvey was there or not. He called out for him. A lot. He didn’t know if he got an answer. He just felt so alone. He needed help! But then suddenly someone was holding his good arm in a hard grip and something pinched him. Everything faded after that. He was dying and he was sure of it.

– SUITS –


	32. Chapter 32

That moment outside the ambulance was one of the worst moments in Harvey’s life. 

Mike was hysterical. He was crying and panting which was making his face turn into a shade of blue. But the worst thing was when Mike screamed Harvey's name. He screamed it so loud that his voice got hoarse almost immediately. Harvey had never heard him sound like that. His good hand was stretched out in the air as if he was reaching out towards Harvey. And Mike couldn’t hear him! Harvey tried everything from speaking calmly next to him to screaming in his ear, neither which worked.  
The kid was desperate and he wanted Harvey’s help. He wanted help, but didn’t know that he already had it. It was incredible painful to witness. The paramedics quickly decided to sedate him right then and there. They had to push him down hard on the gurney to be able to do it. Mike’s body sagged and became limp in less than a minute and his tear drenched eyes closed. They loaded him on the ambulance and only then did Harvey noticed that he was crying as well. He caught Donna’s eyes from where he was on a bench in the ambulance, just before the doors closed. Louis was just coming up behind her, so she was taken care of. She was sobbing behind her hands that she had pressed against her face. 

Mike’s breathing calmed down after a few minutes on the road. The paramedic that remained in the back with them, handed Harvey a tissue after finishing checking on Mike. Harvey wiped his face and blew out some air.

“Are you okay?” the paramedic looked worriedly at him. 

Harvey shock his head. “Is he?” he asked, and nodded towards Mike.

“He is resting now. His values getting better. It was shock. Try not to worry.” 

“Good, good.” Harvey nodded. 

“Do you know what caused that reaction he just had? Normally our patients doesn’t mind the ambulance ride that much.” 

“We were held hostage. The guy found out Mike has cancer, said he is going to come to the hospital and put him out of his misery. He’s scared.” Harvey explained. 

“Oh god. I had no idea. I’ll let the hospital know so that they are prepared for that.” He said, and Harvey thanked him. That was probably a good idea. 

When they got to the hospital Harvey just sat down in a chair in the waiting room he was showed to. He felt exhausted, both mentally and physically. Maybe he was in a bit of a shock as well. But he was too tired to think any more of that and he actually fell asleep there, in the middle of everything. 

He woke later of that someone was shaking him. He jerked awake and stared into Donna’s worried face. “It’s just me.” She said. “Are you okay Harvey?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Where is Mike?” He looked around, almost expecting to spot the kid behind her. 

“They are still tending to him. Has anyone looked at you?” 

“What? No, I told you I’m fine. I just need to see Mike.”

“He is taken care of Harvey. Calm down.” 

He did and took a closer look at her.

“Are you okay?” 

She had blood shot eyes and looked exactly as tired as he felt. She nodded a little. First then did he see Louis standing next to her. He rose from his seat and took two steps forward and wrapped his arms around Louis, how just stood there in shook. He then patted Harvey’s back awkwardly.

“Should we get a doctor?” He asked Donna over Harvey’s shoulder. 

In all of it, it caused Harvey to laugh. He laughed an honest laugh and let go of Louis. Both Donna and Louis looked at him like he had lost his mind. 

“Oh come on.” He slapped Louis on the back, causing him to stumble forward in surprise. “Louis. What you did back there… Thank you. That was brave.” 

“Oh…” Louis blushed. “It was nothing.” 

“You stood up against a crazy guy with a gun! I wouldn’t call that nothing.”

“He is right Louis,” Donna added smiling as well. “You were amazing.” 

Louis smiled back against them. “I do what I have to.” He said.

They all sat down to wait after that. 

“Did they get them?” Harvey asked after a while. 

“No, not yet. They weren’t stupid enough to exit through the main entrance. Jessica is giving her statement as we speak, and letting the police look through the security cameras. They said that the fact that they were wearing masks and gloves will make the whole thing harder. But they have a lot of evidence to go on.” 

“Yeah, they did reveal a whole bunch. At least that Jack guy.” 

“If it was true.” Louis said.

“I think the part with his sister were true. It’s probably why he attacked Mike the way he did.” 

“Did Mike wake up?” Donna asked quietly and looked like she was about to start to cry again. 

“No.” Harvey said.

“What if he wakes up when we aren’t there? What if he realizes that he is alone at the hospital?” She whispered. 

“The staff know what happened. They will help him.” Harvey tried to reassure her, but he had had exactly the same thought. He really wished that Mike wouldn’t wake up any time soon. 

Luckily it turned out that he didn’t. They kept Mike sedated as a precaution, to spare him from unnecessary stress that might damage his weak heart. They were also a bit worried about his breathing and high heart rate, and didn’t think it was a good idea for him to experience the stress of waking up in a place he now might fear. Not yet at least. Harvey and the others were told that Mike was going to have surgery on his hand and that he was being prepped for it at the moment. After that followed yet two more hours of waiting until they got any more news. During that time they all got to speak to the police and give their initial statements. 

– SUITS –

As soon as he woke up he knew that something was wrong, something had changed and it was wrong. He felt scared. At first he couldn’t remember why, but then everything that happened came rushing back to him all at once. They had been threatened by crazy people with guns, he had gotten shot! And the worst of all, Jack had promised to come back and kill him! At least he wasn’t dead yet. He remembered getting put in an ambulance, screaming and then thinking that he was dying. But he hadn’t died.

First he needed to find out where he was. Almost immediately he knew he was at the hospital. Shit, he really didn’t want to be there. Why had they brought him there, where he was going to get killed? After taking stock of his body he knew why, he had a nasal cannula and when he moved his arms a little he could feel IV:s in both of them. His hand was throbbing as well. He had been shot in his hand! It was just so hard to believe. He had been shot. He had barely seen a gun before, and now he was shot. He really was unlucky. He decided that he hated guns. 

He still hadn’t opened his eyes. He listened if he could hear any sounds in the room, but all he could hear was the heart monitors quiet beeping. He didn’t know what he should do. What if Jack was there? What if he was in the room just waiting for him to wake up so that he could taunt him before he killed him? He had done that before he left the office with Jim. 

He was afraid of opening his eyes. He was afraid of what he might see. But then he did it anyway.

“Mike? You awake?” Harvey was there. They locked eyes and Harvey smiled at him. “There you are.” He said. “You are okay.” 

Mike nodded a little. Okay. He was okay at the moment. He shouldn’t freak out. There was no need, because Harvey said that he was fine. At least that was what he tried to tell himself. However he kind of felt like he was on the edge, like any time he would tip over it.

Then he remembered his hand. He lifted it to look at it. He had a small cast on it that reached over more than half his fingers and covered his palm and a bit of his wrist. That was odd, he was pretty certain that he had been shoot in the middle of his hand. Why was the whole hand in a cast.

“The bullet broke some of the bones in your hand.” Harvey explained and Mike nodded again. He somehow had some trouble taking his eyes of it though. That was until Harvey used his own hand to push it back down on the bed. “Mike.” He said and Mike looked back at Harvey. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Mike had to ask. 

“Did…Did they get them?” His voice was hoarse. He could immediately see on Harvey’s expression that he didn't have positive news. 

“The police are looking for them. They will get them.” Harvey told him. Mike blinked hard a few times. He didn’t know how to feel. They weren’t caught. He felt numb, and just so tired. He felt Harvey pat his shoulder. “Get some more sleep Mike. We will talk later.” Mike did what he was told. 

– SUITS –

Harvey relaxed back in his chair again when he was sure that Mike was in fact asleep again. That poor kid. 

They had kept Mike sedated for about a day, something about him needing time to recover. It was something with his values that Mike’s doctor didn’t like, so they had decided that it was best to not wake him up yet. Harvey had decided to stay that happen though. 

“You really should head home Harvey. You need to rest.” Donna had begged him. 

“Donna, I can’t leave him here.”

“I know you can’t, but Harvey, you need to take care of yourself as well. What happened today was hard for all of us.”

Harvey didn’t look at her when he said “It was worst for Mike.” She had just nodded, pressed his hand and left after making him promise to call her the minute Mike woke up. And he had, just five minutes ago after the doctors had decided it was okay for Mike to be off sedation. Mike had been confused and quiet. Harvey had expected him to totally freak out. Maybe that would come later. 

Harvey managed to dose off in a chair and woke suddenly by Mike’s voice. When he opened his eyes he tiredly gazed straight into Mike’s eyes. The kid was actually smiling! 

“Hey.” He said and sat up straighter. 

“Hey. Slept well?” Mike asked. 

“What? How long have you been awake?”

“I don’t know… A doctor woke me up to check on me. I’m surprised you didn’t wake up.” 

“Well, I was tired.” Harvey rubbed his face. “You seem to be better.”

Mike shrugged his shoulders the best he could, laying down and all. “I guess I am. I want to get out of here.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen for a few days Mike.”

“That’s exactly what my doctor said!” Mike exclaimed. “I don’t even feel that bad.”

“Calm down would you. You didn’t exactly have a good day yesterday.”

“Neither did you, and they are not keeping you anywhere against your will.”

“Mike, come on. You were shot.”

“I know!”

Harvey nodded, he felt a bit unsure of what to say, but did all he could to not let it show. “Hell of day yesterday.” He said. They really should talk about it. Mike nodded. “It wasn’t great.” 

Harvey couldn’t help but let out an amused puff of air. “No it really wasn’t.” He paused for a while, but it didn’t seem like Mike was going to say anything else. “Do you remember everything that happened?” He asked then, already suspecting what the answer would be. 

“Yeah. I do. Those guys where crazy. What did they even want?” 

Harvey sighed. “I spoke to Jessica while you were out. Remember the Borg vs. Holmqvist case?” 

Mike nodded. “The firm kicked ass and Holmqvist went bankrupt.”

“Yeah, well, these guys were most likely doing Holmqvist’s business, they made Jessica download all of the files we had on Borg.” 

“What? So they thought that the best way to go about it was to come with guns to the office taking people hostage? They couldn’t just hacked us instead?” 

“Look who is talking. You’re talking from experience here?” Harvey joked.

Mike snorted. “I guess.” He got quiet after that, looking lost in thought.

“Planning out a new career are you?” Harvey said, he could only guess where Mike’s thoughts where headed.

“Wouldn’t really be anything new, would it? Anything would be better than this.” He waved his hand that was in a cast a bit around the room. Harvey was inclined to agree. They got quiet for a while. Mike looked hesitant. 

“Do…do you think that…”He paused. “What they said, Jack, he said that he was going to…” 

“He is not going to hurt you again Mike.” Harvey determinedly said. Mike bit his lip a bit and looked away. “He won’t, Mike.” Harvey repeated. 

“How do you know?” 

“He won’t be that stupid. He is wanted for a lot of serious charges. He is not going to risk getting caught.”

“But he said, when I least expect it.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not going to happen. The police is looking for them.” 

“Did you speak to them? The police?” 

“Yes, they are going to want to speak to you too, when you feel up for it.” Mike just nodded. 

“How are you doing with all of this?” Harvey take a closer look at the kid. He needed to know where Mike’s head was at. However Mike didn’t answer. Harvey needed to go on him with more force. Or maybe not force. 

“I was worried” He said. “Back at the office and after they left. By the ambulance” He quietly added. 

Mike looked at him now. “Yeah…” He sighed. “I think I was a bit out of it. The last thing I remember is that I was looking for you and I just was panicking, I wanted to get out of there… and then I felt myself starting to fade. I was sure I was dying.” He said. 

“Shit…” Harvey sighed. “You really thought you were dying?” Mike nodded. “I’m so sorry Mike. I was there the whole time you know. But yeah, you were out of it. I was there holding on to you, but you just kept screaming my name.” 

“Sorry, Harvey. That must have been scary.” Mike was blushing a bit.

“It was, but it’s okay.” Harvey smirked. “I can handle it.” 

“Good… But still, I know it is hard for you too, to see me like this.” 

Harvey got serious. “It is.” He admitted, and surprised Mike by taking his hand in his. “But that doesn’t matter. I will always be here.” He said, and really meant it. 

“Wow…” Mike whispered. “What happened to you?” He smirked. 

Harvey let go of his hand and rolled his eyes. “What happened to you? They drug you up too much?”

“I’m not going to comment on that. I’m going to sleep now.” Mike closed his eyes. 

“Yeah, you do that.” 

Mike’s eyes opened again the amused look he just had on his face was gone. “You will be here right?” he asked. 

“Yep.”

Harvey wished he had a bed of his own. He wasn’t going to sleep any more sitting up like this. When he was sure Mike was asleep again he turned on the TV to amuse himself. It was so boring to just sit there. 

He jerked in the chair when someone knocked on the door an hour later. No one came in. The doctors and nurses mostly just walked in, as would Donna. He had texted her earlier about Mike. He walked over and carefully opened the door, ready to jam it shut again if needed. But it was Jessica. She greeted him peered over his shoulder at Mike, and then asked if they could speak in the hallway. He agreed and proceeded to give her an update on Mike after she asked.

They were both leaning against the wall, across from Mike’s door. They had just talked over what had happened the previous day. They would need to make some changes regarding the security. It still wasn’t clear to either of them how Jack and Jim managed to get up to their floor with guns and all. 

“What was it that you were doing, before they shot Mike?” Harvey asked her, and watched as she flinched a little at the question. 

“I didn’t know that he was going to do that. He didn’t seem like the type.”

“I know, I thought the same thing.” Harvey confessed. 

“I was using the internal system to send a distress message. But he saw it.”

“Good idea.” 

“He saw it. I got Mike shot.” She said.

“No, you didn’t. That bastard shot Mike because he wanted to. You did the right thing trying to get help.” 

“It didn’t work.”

“Don’t blame yourself Jessica. I know for sure that Mike won’t.”

“Do you? Blame me?”

Harvey paused for a second and though about it. “No, I don’t.” He said later. “Then I might as well blame myself, which I do. I shouldn’t have called out to him like I did.” 

Jessica sighed. “Let’s just blame that crazy asshole then.” 

“Agreed.”

“How is Mike doing?”

Harvey paused for a moment before he answered. “He wants to leave.”

“I don’t blame him, after what he said.” Jessica said not pushing any further.

“Neither do I. The doctors won’t let him leave yet though, so he is pissed.” 

Jessica nodded before she asked “Do you think there is any truth in what he said, about coming after the kid?”

“It was probably just empty talk. But I’m going to keep an eye out.”

Jessica nodded a little and stood up from the wall. She looked worn out, like she hadn’t slept all night. “You should take a week or two Harvey. Rest, take care of Mike.” 

“I think I actually might do that Jessica. Thank you.” 

She left after that, and Harvey walked back into Mike’s room. Luckily the kid was still sleeping. That was good. Mike needed it. 

When Mike’s doctor came by Harvey spoke to him for a while, getting an update on Mike’s condition after the check-up. Mike wasn’t happy with being woken up again and complained until Harvey told him to stop. 

“But when can I leave?” Mike asked. “No offense, but I really want to get out of here.” 

”Mike, at the moment we have you on some pretty heavy medication which you can’t receive at home. You experienced a traumatic event and I would like to keep monitoring your heart for a few more days.” His doctor said.

Mike couldn’t really argue with that so he settled for pouting silently. 

Donna came to visit later along with both Louis and Rachel, something that cheered Mike up a bit. Donna fussed over him more than usual and Mike let her, he even seemed to enjoy it. Harvey even watched as Mike let Donna hold his soda as he drank from a straw. 

“You only have one functioning hand now.” She sympathetically had said. Other than that they all avoided talk about what had happened. But Mike brought it up again when he and Harvey was alone again. He wanted to know if there had been any changes, were they caught yet? But Harvey knew just as much as Mike, which he told him. Mike once again asked if Harvey was staying, but it took him a long time to fall asleep for the night. Harvey had managed to get a cot in the room so that he could get some sleep himself without having to sit up. 

Mike woke up screaming during the night from a nightmare. He was breathing erratically making Harvey push the call button. 

“Noo, Harvey.” Mike groaned when he was about to step away to leave room for the night nurse. He let Mike keep his grasp on his sleeve and awkwardly leaned back against the night stand while Mike was checked over. The whole thing ended with Mike getting drugged up so that he fell asleep and stayed that way until morning.   
He didn’t wake up for breakfast either, so Harvey helped him out with it. He could always get something else for Mike later. 

Now he was just waiting for Mike to wake up again. He felt the need to freshen up some, and decided to step out of the room for just a few minutes. Mike would be fine.

– SUITS –

Mike woke up from someone shaking him. Before he even knew what was going on his mind got the thought that it was odd. This wasn’t how anyone at the hospital would wake him. This was almost violent. When he opened his eyes he almost thought that his heart was going to stop, because standing above him was Jack! As soon as he saw him he knew that it was him, however this time he didn’t have a mask on. But his eyes, Mike recognized his eyes! 

He just froze. He didn’t know what to do at all. His brain wasn’t working at all. Everything was just blank, because he was here. He had come. Just like he promised. Where was Harvey? Donna? Anyone? He tore his eyes away from the man in front of him and looked towards the door, only to have Jack smack him across the face. Mike whimpered. 

“No one is there. It’s just you and me now.” Jack whispered and dug his hand down on Mike shoulder. “Just you and me.” He laughed a bit. ”What? You got nothing to say? Did you miss me?” 

Mike looked frantically around the room. Help! He needed help. What was he going to do? Where was Harvey? He had been here. Did Jack hurt him? 

”Hey, focus!” Jack snarled and slapped him again. ”You are really pathetic, aren’t you? Are you seriously crying? I haven’t even done anything yet.”

“Stop. What are you…” He didn’t know what he was saying, what he was going to say. Should he try to scream? 

“I promised I would come for you, didn’t I?” 

“What do you want? I haven’t done anything to you.” Mike said, loud hoping someone would hear him. He didn’t dare to scream. Jack had something wild in his eyes.

“I made you a promise Mike.” He whispered leaning closer.

“No…no come on, I haven’t, I can’t…” Mike didn’t know what he was saying. He squirmed on the bed, his hands pushing at Jack’s arm. He had to do something! He swung his left, casted hand as hard as he could towards Jack’s face. At the same time as pain surged through his hand excitement did as well. It was a good blow.   
Jack seemed surprised as he staggered away a bit and Mike immediately started to get out of his bed. He had to try and get away. But only managed to sit up before Jack was on him again, pushing him down with rough hands. 

“You little piece of shit. You honestly doesn’t deserve to live!” He roared. “I mean, why should you get to live? My sister didn’t get too.” One of his hands moved slowly from pinning Mike’s shoulder down towards his throat. Mike could feel him putting his thumb over his throat and starting to apply pressure. 

“No…” He rasped out and tried with both of his hands to get Jack’s hand away. Jack didn’t care at all about his attempts as he put his other hand on the other side of Mike’s throat. For a few seconds he was just holding them there while Mike did his best to try and claw at his hands, kick with his legs throwing his body to the side, just trying everything he had to get away. But he was unsuccessful. His illness was working against him, as he was no match at all for the other man. Jack didn’t seem to care that Mike’s nails were digging in to the back of his hands as he started to apply more force. Mike could feel pressure building behind his eyes as it was getting harder to breath. 

Oh god, he was really being strangled! He was going to die now, like this, not from cancer but strangled in a hospital bed. 

He tried to scream, but couldn’t get any sounds out. Jack was leaning close to him. He looked totally crazy when Mike accidentally made eye contact with him. Things were kind of blurry. Pressure was building in his chest, his eyes were tearing, it hurt and there was a roaring sound in his ears. 

Then the pressure disappeared and everything came rushing back! Air flooded into his throat and suddenly he could breathe again. Or more like coughing. He coughed and coughed trying desperately to get air into his lungs. 

“Mike, Mike? Mike oh shit? Hey, are you okay? You are okay. It’s okay. Hey, hey…” It was Harvey. Harvey was holding on to his shoulder and had a hand on his cheek. Actually he was stroking his face over and over again. 

“Are you hurt? Did he hurt you? Mike, please answer me. Calm down.” 

Mike was aware of that he now when he wasn’t coughing anymore he was panting desperately, tried but couldn’t focus his eyes on Harvey. Everything was blurry. At least until Harvey’s thumb stroked away tears from his eyes. He didn’t even know that he had been crying.

Everything was so confusing and it was happening so fast. He wanted it to slow down. But that didn’t happen and the next thing he knew was that the room was swarming with people. He just let them do what they wanted. And oxygen mask was placed over his face and he felt a pressure around his arm. He looked behind the nurse standing next to him and got a glace of Harvey. He was talking to two men that looked like security guards. He let himself relax. It was over.

– SUITS –

Oh god! He shouldn’t have left! Why the hell did he leave Mike alone? Jack must have been watching the room, waiting for him to leave. How the hell did he even find out in which hospital room, or hospital for that matter, that Mike was staying in? 

He had only been gone about five minutes. Harvey felt himself shaking from adrenalin still coursing through his body. If he had been gone a longer Mike would be dead right now. He felt like shit! He had told Mike that this wasn’t going to happen! What should he do now? He had failed Mike again! How the hell did that happen?   
Mike looked like he had passed out. He was laying limp on his bed with and oxygen mask on. Harvey could already see an ugly red mark forming on his throat. One of his cheeks were also a bit red. Had he been hit?

Harvey had come back from the bathroom only to find a man standing over Mike, strangling him. He immediately knew that it was Jack. He didn’t think he just charged at the man. His only objective was to get him away from Mike. Harvey got a hold of the man’s shoulder and arm and with all he had he pulled him away and down. Jack ended up on the floor and slid until the wall stopped him. Harvey had only taken three steps towards him when he scrambled off the floor and darted out of the room, fleeing rather than fighting. For an insane moment Harvey just stood there in the middle of the room torn between running after the man and getting to Mike. Mike won. He was coughing violently and was shaking underneath Harvey’s hands. He did his best with trying to get Mike to calm down. When a nurse showed up he yelled at her to get help and to get security. Thankfully she did what he asked.

Harvey spoke to a lot of people after that. After the security guys left the police arrived, and he repeated his story. He also called Donna who promised to be there as soon as she could. Things calmed down somewhat after that. A security guard promised Harvey that someone would stand guard outside Mike’s room from now on. 

Just before Donna arrived Harvey was assured that Mike hadn’t suffered any real damage, since Harvey had been there on time as they put it. He suspected they said it to make him feel better. It didn’t work. He felt shaky and on edge. Donna helped to take some of it away, but he still had an uneasy feeling, and he wished that Mike would just wake up already. 

He did wake up two hours later. He woke up with a jerk and his good hand traveled up to his throat before he looked around in the room with wide eyes. Donna was with him in an instant and held his hand and stroke the side of his face. He looked up at her with watery eyes and was biting his lip. Both Donna and Harvey did their best to reassure him and Mike nodded towards them, but Harvey could see in his eyes that he didn’t believe a word they were saying. He kept looking towards the door and when a nurse opened it he flinched on the bed and pulled at Donna’s hand. 

Mike didn’t speak much and refused to go back to sleep. The police dropped by and Mike accounted for what happened both this morning and at the office. Harvey couldn’t help but feel proud of him for doing so. There weren’t any news about Jack. They had him on the surveillance camera that showed him entering the hospital early in the morning. Harvey’s suspicions were true, and Jack had waited almost two hours outside Mike’s hospital room only to sneak in as Harvey stepped out. They had lost him after that, but assured Mike and Harvey that a lot of people were looking for him. 

Harvey felt exhausted. He just wished Mike would pass out or something because he really needed to get some sleep himself. Donna had gone to get them something to eat. Mike was anxious and had even asked Donna not to leave, but now he was staring listlessly at the TV. Harvey had trouble keeping his eyes open. 

”You can’t sleep Harvey. You can’t. You can’t.” Mike’s voice woke him up. 

“I wasn’t sleeping.” He grumbled.

“What if he comes back? What if he comes back? You said that you would…You said that you would help me if he comes back. I can’t do it alone.”

“Yeah, sorry Mike. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. And you were right I will help you. But he is not coming back here. He is not that stupid. You are safe now.”

“You don’t know that. He might come. You said before that he wouldn’t, but he did.” 

“He won’t this time. But how about you sleep some and I keep watch, okay?” 

“No, no I can’t. I don’t want to. I need to be awake. I need to see if he comes.”

“He is not going to come Mike.”

“You don’t know that!” Mike repeated. 

“If he comes back he will be caught right away. And besides there are guards outside your room now. He wouldn’t be able to get in.”

“What if he brings a gun?” 

“I’m pretty sure the guards outside has guns too.”

“No they don’t, it’s a hospital. They don’t carry guns.” 

“Mike, he won’t touch you again. He won’t come near you.” Harvey needed to end this conversation, because he had a feeling that they weren’t going to get anywhere with it. But he wasn’t really sure on how to convince Mike that everything was okay and that he was safe, because the truth was that he couldn’t be sure now. He had thought it was okay, but then Jack still came. 

“I’ll be here the whole time. You won’t be alone” He said, and after meeting Harvey’s gaze for a long time Mike seemed satisfied with that and focused his attention to the TV. 

However when Donna returned she forced Harvey to head home and get a shower and change. Mike looked like he was going to burst into tears at the thought of Harvey leaving but Donna introduced him to Aaron, the security guard that was position outside his room and he was fine with Harvey leaving for an hour or two.

When Harvey stepped into Mike’s room again after a refreshing shower and a thirty minute nap on his couch, the first thing he noticed that Mike still wasn’t asleep. He was laying on the bed looking out of the window. Donna was sitting on the couch in the room reading a magazine. She saw Harvey before Mike did. She looked up and smiled a bit, but Harvey could see that she was upset. 

“Hey Harvey.” she said and at first he was surprised why, but then noticed Mike’s reaction. His whole body jerked and then tensed as he turned towards Harvey and the door. He looked at Harvey with wide eyes before the tension in his body seemed to melt away as he realized that it was only Harvey. He didn’t say anything. Donna stood up. 

“Harvey, I need to talk to you for a minute.” She then turned to Mike, and took his hand in hers. “Sweetie, Harvey and I are going to be right outside.” Harvey hesitated for a moment at the way Mike looked, but Donna grabbed him and dragged him with her outside. 

“Is it a good thing to leave him alone?” Harvey asked. 

“No, it’s not, but I need to talk to you so it can’t be helped.”

“What is it Donna?”

“You need to do something. Something needs to change now, because Mike is barely holding on here. He can’t go on like this. He is refusing to sleep! Which he clearly needs to do right now.” 

“Donna, you know why…”

“Yes I do, and you need to get that guy. Mike needs a break. Do you understand? I can’t see him like this anymore.” Tears welled up in her eyes and Harvey took a hold of her arm in comfort. 

“I know… I know. I’m working on it. Thanks for staying with him Donna. You know how much that means to him.”

“He was asking for you.”

Harvey looked back towards the room. The door was closed so he couldn’t see Mike, but he knew that Mike was just waiting for them to come back. 

“His doctors are getting worried that this is causing too much stress on his heart. They are worried that something might happen. They were talking about sedating him if he doesn’t get enough sleep soon.”

Harvey nodded, maybe that would be a good thing. Force the kid to sleep. “I’ll get him to sleep.” He said instead. “Why don’t you head home for a bit? I’ll stay with him.” 

Donna agreed and left after saying goodbye to Mike. When Harvey sat down next to Mike he could see what had Donna so worried. Mike really looked bad. His face had a grayish tone and was covered with a thin layer of sweat. His eyes were forced open and he barely blinked. He wasn’t looking at Harvey, but behind him, eyes locked at the door. Harvey pushed his chair so that he was blocking his view with his body, only then did Mike look up at him. 

“You need to sleep Mike.” Mike just shook his head and tried to look past Harvey. “Hey, look at me.” 

Mike did. “I’m not letting anything else happen to you.” Harvey said with force, praying for Mike to just believe him. It wasn’t so easy though. 

“Mike, you need to relax. Your heart needs you to. I know you are freaked out. I get it. I get that you are scared.” He paused. “I screwed up kid. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m not going to do it again.” 

Mike was biting his lip and refusing to look at him. He was holding his injured hand with his good one. “So you are going to be here then? If he comes back you will be here?”

Instead of getting into the whole thing again Harvey just nodded. “I will.” 

Mike wiped his face with his hand and let out a deep sigh. “I am tired.” He whispered. 

“Then sleep.” A while later Mike did.

– SUITS –

Mike woke up from a shrill sound, and for a slit second he panicked. He let out a moan before he could stop himself. 

“Sorry, sorry…It’s just my phone Mike.” Harvey said where he was sitting next to his bed on a chair. “Damn, I forgot to put in on silent. It’s okay.” Mike watched as he looked down at the screen letting it ring. He glanced back up at Mike. “I better take this.” He said and stood up and walked away from Mike. He turned his back on him when he answered. 

“Harvey Spector.” Mike listened intently. He could hear the faint sound of the other person. “Really? That’s great! When?” Harvey paused and listened. “Yeah, I’ll tell him it’s over. What about the other one? Yeah?” Harvey turned around to face Mike, and he had a smile on his face. “Total morons.”

After that Harvey thanked the person and hang up. He came over to Mike with a big grin on his face. “Guess what!” He said. “They caught them Mike. Both of them.”

“What?” Mike rasped out. His heart was pounding hard in his chest.

“The idiots were sharing a hotel room, rented in Jim’s real name. The police just arrested them. It’s over Mike.” 

“It is?” 

Harvey gave him a nod and leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms behind him. “Thank god!” He exclaimed. “Hey, you can relax now. Go back to sleep. You really do look like shit Mike.” 

“Shut up.” Mike gasped. He couldn’t believe it! It was really over. Shit. 

Harvey had hauled up his phone again and was already talking to Donna or Jessica or someone. Mike couldn’t really comprehend that all of this was actually over. He wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore. No one was going to storm into the room and shot him, or strangle him or something else unpleasant. Maybe the awful nightmares he had every time he closed his eyes would ease off now. Could he go back to just worry about the cancer killing him now? He never thought that that would be a good thing. 

He was asleep before Harvey finished his conversation. 

– SUITS –

Three days later Harvey had the opportunity to see Jack in the detention facility where he was held. He just needed to talk to the guy, and after getting a warning from the personal at the facility that talking was all he was allowed to do, he went into the interrogation room. Jack who was handcuffed to the table watched him carefully. He didn’t look as cocky in this environment as he had in the firm hidden behind a mask and a gun. 

“There is one thing I want to know.” Harvey demanded without sitting down on the chair across from the man.

“Hit me.”

“Why did you go after him?” 

Jack didn’t answer at first. “Why him?” Harvey pressed on, “He was already down, but you went after him anyway. And don’t go for that crap with that he is already dying so you are helping him out. I want to know why him?” 

Jack didn’t look at him, but rubbed his hands across his face. “I don’t know man…” he said. “I guess…we were just doing all this things and then he said he had cancer, like my sister.” He got something empty in his eyes. 

“So you wanted to kill him because your sister had cancer? Yeah, I can see the logic in that.” Harvey muttered. 

“No…it’s just, it pissed me off that he was alive and working while she…” he paused and looked up. ”I know it doesn’t make sense to you. But why the hell should he live while she died?” 

“And why the hell should he have to die just because she did?” Harvey countered.

“I don’t know! I was pissed, okay!?” 

“I don’t fucking care. You are going to pay for this.”

“Duh!” Jack said and jolted the cuffs. Before Harvey had the change to say anything else Jack continued.

“I was helping him out!” He insisted.

“And how the hell is telling him that he is going to die to help him out?”

“Well then, maybe not helping him out as much as preparing him.” 

Harvey just shook his head. He didn’t believe this low life. 

“So, is that what you did at the hospital then?”

Jack just stared at him. Harvey wanted to smash his head down into the table.

“Did you hear that they are charging you for attempted murder? Two of them actually.”

“What! They can’t do that! I didn’t murder anyone.”

“Attempted, you idiot.” Finally he was getting the reaction he wanted. “Yep, attempted murder, threatening, kidnapping, assault among other things. You are never getting out of here. I will make sure of it. I promise you.” Harvey stood up and enjoyed the shocked expression on the man in front of him. He left without another word and smiled as he heard the man scream in rage behind him. Harvey had somewhere else to be right now. 

– SUITS –


	33. Chapter 33

What Mike felt the most the day after Jack and his companion had been captured was relief. He woke up with a headache from hell, but it didn’t matter. He had woken up a few times during the night, but only once from a nightmare, the rest was because a nurse wanted to check up on him. He wasn’t sure that they meant to wake him, but they did. Harvey had been there the entire night with him. He had gotten his own bed that was standing against the wall below the window. Mike felt a bit uncomfortable that he was the one that was closest to the door, but hadn’t said anything. It seemed too pathetic. 

His mind told him that he had nothing to worry about here anymore, but his heart didn’t seemed to have gotten the memo. He felt anxious, a little scared and annoyed. 

“Aren’t you going to eat that?” Harvey yawned and pointed at his breakfast plate in front of him. Mike glared at the toast and shook his head. 

“I’m not hungry.”

“You should eat anyway.” Harvey automatically answered. “I need to go and buy something. I’m starving. I expect you to have finished that when I get back.” Harvey rubbed his cheek and stood up. 

“Where are you going?” Mike asked, even though he knew. 

“To buy breakfast. I’ll be right back. Do you want something?”

“No, can’t you wait? You can have my breakfast.” Mike tried. He didn’t want Harvey to just leave him here. 

“I’m not having that! I need real food.”

“Wait!”

“I’ll be right back.”

“No, don’t go.” Mike refused to look at Harvey. He just couldn’t. He felt angry. Angry at himself for practically begging Harvey to stay, and angry at Harvey for leaving. He noticed that he had started to breathe faster and tried to slow it down. Harvey had stopped at the foot of his bed. 

“Can you look at me?” He said. Mike didn’t and heard Harvey sigh. “I’m just going to go and buy some breakfast. I’ll have a nurse come and keep you company.” And with that he was out. Mike watched him leave. He wanted to yell for him to come back. He wanted to scream and curse Harvey for just walking out like that. He didn’t. It was so irrational. He didn’t know where it came from, the anger. He just felt so helpless. 

A nurse stepped inside and ended up being the unjust receiver of his rage. She started to lecture him about the importance of a sturdy breakfast and he ended up yelling at her to get out of his room. After that he was just laying there waiting for Harvey to come back. 

He honestly didn’t know why he felt so scared. He shouldn’t feel like this anymore, it was over and no one was out for him anymore. He knew in his mind that he didn’t have anything to be afraid of, but no matter how much he told himself that it didn’t help. 

He wanted to hide somewhere. Just curl up under the cover in his bed at Harvey’s and just stay there until he felt better and ready to face the world again. Here he felt exposed and vulnerable. Any second someone could jump in through the door and hurt him, or just take him away. 

Why wasn’t Harvey coming back? Had he left for good? Oh god, Mike just wanted to leave. He listened and tried to hear the noises from outside his room, but it was pretty quiet except for the occasional voice from someone who passed in the corridor. 

He really couldn’t take this any longer. He needed to do something. He knew it wasn’t a good idea to get out of bed, people would be angry with him, so he reach for his phone and dialed Harvey’s number. He was ready to say practically anything to get the older man back here now. 

“Mike?” Harvey picked up. “Why are you calling me? I’m like two minutes out.” 

“Oh, okay…I was just wondering.” He clenched his teeth together.

“Wondering what?”

“When you are coming back?” Suddenly an intense longing rose within him and he had tears in his eyes only seconds later. He needed Harvey here now!   
He could hear Harvey sigh on the other end, and he wanted to cry now. Did he not want to come? Why was he sighing?

“I’m nearly there Mike.” Harvey said. 

“Okay.” Mike clutched the phone hard in his sweaty hand and pressed it hard against the side of his face. He could hear Harvey walking. Any minute now he would walk into the room and he wouldn’t be alone anymore. He just couldn’t deal with it. He wanted Harvey there to keep him from breaking apart completely. It was really what it felt like. He just couldn’t deal with it all anymore. There was just too much. It felt like he was dying, and for a crazy couple of seconds he was terrified that he would die before Harvey got there, but then he heard how Harvey swore a little on the other end and tell someone to watch where they were going. 

As soon as Harvey walked into the room and closed the door behind him Mike dropped his phone without bothering to turn it off and he just reached out for Harvey with trembling hands. 

“Wow, what’s with you?” Harvey asked as he sat down, and complied with Mike’s desperate reach and took his hand in both of his and put it down on the bed but still in his hands. “I thought I told that nurse to stay with you. Where is she? Do I need to go and yell at someone later?” 

Mike just couldn’t answer yet. He wasn’t ready for that, wasn’t ready to actually put any weight or meaning behind what Harvey was saying. All that occupied his brain was the fact that Harvey was here again, and that he wasn’t alone anymore. Also he tried to get his brain out of its panic mode. 

“Are you even listening? Are you having some sort of brain malfunction right now? You look weird.”

“I don’t look weird.” Mike mumbled absentmindedly. 

“You look upset.” Harvey countered. 

“I am. I was.” 

“Tell me.” Harvey said but Mike hesitated. He didn’t want seem as pathetic as he felt. While he was agonizing as what to say Harvey removed one of his hands and picked up Mike’s phone and turned it off, and put it away. 

“Anyway, “Harvey said when he realized that Mike was too stupid to say something “I brought you some juice. You should drink it.” He sneaked his other hand out of Mike’s grip and went and got the bottle of orange juice that he threw on Mike’s chest. He was totally unprepared and Harvey mumbled an apology when Mike couldn’t help but hiss. It happened to land on a patch of his chest that was still a bit sore from the wounds he had had. 

Mike had finished half of the bottle when a doctor stepped inside the room and told them that Mike was booked for a MRI in thirty minutes. Mike was not happy, he did not want to be stuck in one of those machines at the moment. He felt weak and vulnerable at the moment. Normally he didn’t like the MRI, but now he just hated the idea of it. Most of the time it took almost an hour for it, and it was cramped and boring. But apparently he had nothing to say about the whole thing, it didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to try. Maybe Harvey could take him home instead. They could come back another day and do it, he just didn’t want to do it today. 

“I don’t want to do it.” He stated out into the room that was now only occupied by himself and Harvey. He didn’t look at Harvey when he said it, but could feel the older man observing him. 

“It’ll be fine. You have done it before.”

“But I don’t feel like doing it today. I want to head home. We could come back another day.” He tried. 

“You should just do what they say Mike, it’s their job. They know this stuff and they are doing it to help you. I’ll be here as well.” He added the last part after a pause. Mike decided to not say anything else. It was clear that Harvey wasn’t on his side. He just wanted Mike to shut up and do what he was told. It made him feel so helpless, like he had no control at all over his own life. And he didn’t really have that when he thought about it. It was frustrating. 

He let himself be taken to the room where the MRI were taken. Harvey was allowed inside with him initially. Mike saw the machine just next to him. He really didn’t feel like laying inside there. 

“I don’t want to do it.” He blurted out again. He didn’t! Why couldn’t Harvey get that? All he did was to tell him it would be fine. Mike felt himself getting worked up, even though he did make an attempt to stop himself, but then he grabbed hold of Harvey’s shirt. 

”Please Harvey, please can we just leave?” What was he doing? But he just had to try again. He had nothing left to loose now. He would beg if that was what it took.

“Mike…”

“Please, I just want to go with you. I want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore.” 

“I know Mike, I know. But listen to me, are you listening?” Harvey had turned towards him now and was holding on to his shoulders.

“Yeah, yes… I’m listening.” 

“Good. I know that you want to go home, but right now you need to calm down and do this, okay?”

“No, no, no.” 

“You just have to toughen it out Mike. I know you can do that.” 

“Harvey please. I don’t want to.” Mike whispered. Why couldn’t Harvey just help him? Why couldn’t they just leave? Harvey always got what he wanted when he wanted it, Mike just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t do this for him. Harvey looked at him with pursed lips, and the expression he wore was one of that told Mike that he just wanted to get out of there, and like Harvey thought Mike was being difficult. Maybe he was. 

”Why won’t you help me?” He found himself whisper. Harvey heard it because he bent down so that his face was close to Mike’s. “I am, kid.” He said. It didn’t make any sense at all, he wasn’t helping! He was aiding the doctors and nurses to persuade Mike into doing something he dreaded. But Harvey thought he was helping Mike. How could he think that? Mike wanted to burst into tears. He wanted to scream. But he hadn’t lost it yet, he was still holding on to some of his dignity. 

He watched as Harvey stepped away for a bit to make room for a nurse to prepare him. He didn’t take his eyes of Harvey. He was sure that he would freak out the moment he lost sight of the other man. He hated that feeling of not being in control of himself, not knowing what was happening with his own state of mind. He couldn’t think of another moment when he had felt this messed up. There were probably times, but as of right now he couldn’t think of any. 

They had him to lay down to go into the machine. Harvey said that he was going to be outside in the control room, so that they would be able to speak with each other. Wasn’t that good? He asked, and Mike was pretty sure that he nodded even though he wanted to trash out and scream until they left him alone and let him leave.

“You can do this Mike.” Harvey said. And then he was gone and Mike was brought into the tube that was the MRI machine. He wished he had accepted the offer to listen to music this time in the headphones he was wearing, because the sound inside had never been this loud before, not that he could remember at least. It was too loud! He was clutching the alarm button he was been given hard in his hand. He wanted to press it. He wanted to get out! 

“Mike, you need to lay still.” He heard a voice through the headphones. Easy for them to say. He was trying here. 

They gave him a bunch of other instructions, told him how to breath and when. They sounded a bit annoyed with him after a while, because clearly they thought that he sucked at doing what it was that they wanted from him. But he really was trying, they just didn’t understand that. It seemed like they thought that he was ignoring their commands on purpose because he could hear the irritation in their voices. 

But he just couldn’t do it. He had thought he could, he really had believed Harvey when he had said that he could, but he was about to let Harvey down right now, because he just couldn’t take it. He wanted out! 

“I want to stop.” He said. “Now.” His voice broke a little. He didn’t know for how long he could keep it in now, how he was feeling. His eyes were already starting to water. 

“We are not ready yet Mike.” A voice said then. 

“But I want to stop now. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want out” He sounded like a baby, he wished his Grammy was here. She wouldn’t let them continue this long, she would have helped him right away. No one was helping him now. He squirmed on the gurney, trying to move his head. The space was too small, it was too loud and he was just so tired and sad. 

They were talking to him. Telling him that they weren’t finished and that he needed to stay still, but he didn’t care. He had tears in in his eyes and was breathing heavily. “Let me out…” He moaned and pressed the alarm bell over and over. He wanted the sound to stop! “Let me out!” He yelled this time, because nothing was happening. He kicked his legs all he could and tried to squirm towards the exit of the tube. The bed started moving then and he realized that they was ending the exam. 

When he was finally outside again two nurses and Harvey was already there. They stopped him when he tried to heave himself off the gurney, and Mike found himself screaming no at them. Harvey was talking then, something about getting a moment alone. 

“Mike. Mike. Mike.” Harvey was repeating his name over and over and he managed to focus on the man’s voice. Where was he? Right, he was standing right next Mike holding on to him. Mike reached for Harvey was well and managed to grab his arm. Harvey helped him to sit up and was standing close to him. 

“It’s okay now. You are okay now. They stopped. It’s okay.” Harvey was saying. Mike broke. 

“Please I want to go home. Please, please, please…” He was sobbing. His nose was stuffed and the tears made everything blurry. “Please help me! You said we were a team. You said you would help me.” 

Harvey’s hand was on the side of his face now, and also on his shoulder. Mike was pretty sure that Harvey was the one how was holding him upright.   
“We are a team, Mike.” Harvey said quietly, Mike’s own breathing almost drowning his voice out. ”You need to calm down for me now. I’ll help you. Just calm down kid.” 

Mike cried some more and tried to do what Harvey told him. But it wasn’t that easy. It felt like it wasn’t enough air in the room. Harvey sat down next to him then and brought an arm over his shoulder and allowed Mike to lean into him sideways. 

“Sorry.” He said when he could speak again and dragged his hand across his face. He wished for some paper. “I didn’t mean…” But he didn’t know how to finish that sentence, so he didn’t. Harvey assured him that everything was fine, and Mike knew he was lying. Everyone had just witnessed his total breakdown for something totally harmless. He was so pitiful that he hadn’t been able to lay still and breathe for like an hour. That wasn’t really something that was fine, it was crappy and embarrassing. Oh god, he just wanted to get out of here. 

“I want to leave.” He whispered. ”Why can’t we do that?” 

“Because you are not well Mike.” Harvey said. “I know you want to get out of here. I understand that perfectly, okay? It’s just that I need you to be okay before we leave.” 

”But Harvey, I don’t know how to get okay. I don’t know what to do?” He cried some more, because it was true and it was really sad. 

“How about we start by heading back to your room.” Harvey thought and Mike agreed. He just didn’t know what else to do now, so he just did nothing. He let Harvey take care of everything. 

He was in his room in his bed ten minutes later. He had stopped crying and were just laying there now looking at Harvey. His eyes hurt, his head hurt and he was so tired that he felt like crying some more just because of it. He felt so bad. He felt so worthless and embarrassed about how he was acting that he just wished he could disappear. 

“Hey.” Harvey brought up a tissue to his cheek and wiped his face lightly, apparently there were tears there. Oh god, he was really having some sort of mental breakdown. He really needed to get himself together. This wasn’t working. 

“You can relax now.” Harvey was saying. ”They promised to leave you alone for a bit.”

“Good.” Mike breathed out. ”I just…I just needed to get out of there.” 

“Yeah, I got that. I texted Donna by the way, she is coming over soon.” 

”But why?” Mike felt his breathe starting to speed up again. ”Are you going to go?” Did Harvey want to get rid of him now? Harvey did sigh a bit after all. 

“No, Mike. I’m not leaving. I’m not, I told you so. I just thought that Donna could come and help us out a bit.” 

“Oh, okay…” Mike got quiet after that. He didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t want to sleep though. He didn’t think he could allow himself to do so anyway. He found himself holding on to Harvey’s hand with his good one, and he felt a little bit better, a bit calmer. Harvey was just sitting there next to him, letting him hold his hand. It was comforting. 

He was really on the edge though, emotionally. He almost wished for unconsciousness, then he wouldn’t have to deal. But that didn’t happen and now he felt like he was moments away from getting hysterical. It felt like he just couldn’t deal with everything anymore, and it was crushing him. He had it under control right at this moment and if things just stayed like this he might be able to push through until something changed and he felt better. 

Donna arrived a while later, but Harvey didn’t let go of his hand. But Harvey did look somewhat relieved, Mike could see it on his face. But maybe he was just that, relieved. Maybe Harvey was scared too. The thought just flew past in his mind and he didn’t bother to put any more weight behind it at the moment.

Donna smiled when she saw them, but Mike wasn’t able to smile back. She didn’t seem to mind. She came up and took a seat on his other side. She started to talk quietly to him while she was stroking his arm. The arm with the hand that had been shot. Against his will he felt his eyes slip close before he managed to force them open again. Donna was whispering to him to just rest. Eventually he let his eyes remain shut. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had kind of expected this. Or maybe not expected it, but now when it happened he wasn’t that surprised. Mike had gone through so much during the last few days that it wasn’t strange that he didn’t seem to be able to take it anymore. Harvey understood at the same time as it pained him immensely to witness it. He felt like crap for not being able to help Mike more. He felt useless and questioned himself for his actions when he saw Mike’s reactions in the MRI. The way Mike had panicked, pleaded with him to help and get him away from there. 

Harvey just couldn’t do enough. All Mike wanted was to leave the hospital. Something that he just couldn’t do yet. Mike could barely sit up by himself, he needed medical care. Right? All Harvey wanted to do was to get the kid away from there and back to his condo and to safety and peace. Here everything felt hectic, even though it wasn’t. It was just something in the air. He could only imagine how Mike was feeling. No wonder the kid freaked out. 

Harvey felt shaky and tired. But he wasn’t going to leave this room. Not with Mike like this. Mike had been laying on his hospital bed blinking up at him with wide red rimmed eyes. He had been trembling slightly and wouldn’t let go of his hand. 

He was extremely thankful for Donna’s help. She managed to get Mike to relax enough to be able to fall asleep. He looked like he was fighting to stay awake for as long as he could. But eventually he fell asleep. Thankfully. 

Harvey found himself just sitting there across from Donna. She was still stroking Mike’s arm even though he was asleep. Harvey didn’t bother to speak, so they didn’t. Donna seemed to sense it, even though she looked like she wanted to talk. So they just sat there in silence, both of them. 

Mike woke up three hours later. During that time Harvey and Donna had talked for a while. Harvey told her what happened with Mike during the MRI and she listened with tearful eyes. A doctor stopped by too, but let Mike sleep. They would hold off with the MRI until Mike was ready. He seemed pleased with Mike’s values and told them to let him know when Mike woke up.

They had seen signs of it before as he was starting to move restlessly on the bed, getting a pained expression on his face. Donna tried to calm him down by stroking his arm again and whispered to him, but it didn’t work. He blinked tiredly up at them and then seemed to realize that he was awake and where he was. From looking relatively calm and his whole being changed to a distressed one. However he didn’t say a word, he just looked around the room. 

“Hi sweetie.” Donna said quietly. ”Are you okay Mike?” 

Mike just looked away the best he could, they were on both sides of him, and shook his head. 

“I want…I want to leave…” He whispered, still avoiding to look at them. Harvey’s heart sank a bit, he had been hoping that Mike would feel better after some sleep. 

“I know.” Was all Donna whispered. 

”Can we?” Mike hopefully looked at her then. To Harvey, Donna for a moment looked like she was going to cry, but she collected herself and threw a quick glance at Harvey before leaning closer to Mike to answer him. 

“Not right now Mike, but soon.” With a little luck that would be true. 

“Why not? Is it because I freaked out?” He looked up at Harvey. “Because I didn’t mean to do it. I’m fine. I just didn’t want to do it.” He had a panicked expression on his face and Harvey felt paralyzed. He didn’t want to deny Mike this. He shook his head. 

”Harvey?” Donna said when she thought he had been quiet for too long. 

”No, Mike. It’s not because of that. It’s not.”

“Then why? What am I doing wrong? Just tell me what to do!” He looked close to tears now and was biting his lips, his good hand had a hard grip on the cover that he was pressing against his chest.

Donna took over. 

“You are not doing anything wrong Mike, nothing at all.” He interrupted her.

“But I didn’t do what said.”

“It doesn’t matter. We don’t care. It’s fine. Isn’t it Harvey?” 

”Of course it is, kid. As soon as they let you we will go home, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

Mike got quiet, and they watched as he struggled against his emotions. He was breathing harder and tears was rising in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. His bottom lip was trembling. 

“Sweetie…” Donna whispered, and it was all it took for Mike to let out a sob, before he managed to control himself again. He wouldn’t look at them again, his gaze was flickering around the room instead. 

Mike had resigned to his fate, and wouldn’t speak or look at them, even when Donna asked him to. Harvey was just sitting there. He didn’t know what was up with him. He should try harder, he knew that, but when he was watching Mike’s tense expression it was like the words just died in his throat. He just felt so guilty. It was his fault that Mike was in this state. If he only had protected him better. If he hadn’t left the room when Jack was there. It wasn’t like him to dwell on things like this. But now a days he did a lot of things that wasn’t like him. 

When the doctor finally arrived, Mike got even more distressed. He stiffened on the bed and then started to babble out apologies. However the medical professional handled it just professionally and managed to reassure Mike that it was no harm done. Mike didn’t look really convinced, but stopped apologizing.   
Harvey and Donna was asked to step out for a bit when a nurse came by and joined the doctor. Harvey felt like shit when he saw how Mike’s eyes were following them as they walked towards the door. He was crying when they were let back in.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” He sobbed when he saw them again. “Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go.” He whispered. ”I can’t, I can’t… I’m sorry.”  
They didn’t get to find out what Mike was sorry about or what he couldn’t, because he fell into an exhausted sleep before they managed to calm him down enough to be able to talk. Harvey felt bone tired. He felt like he could fall asleep sitting up straight in the chair he was in. He tried to not let Donna see it, but of course she did, and she ordered him to go home. So he did. 

When Harvey got home he set an alarm and slept for five hours, showered and went back to the hospital to relieve Donna. Mike was sleeping again. Donna had been crying, and Harvey regretted ever leaving. 

”It’s fine. I’m fine.” Donna said quietly. ”It’s just so hard to see him like this.” 

“Yeah, I know Donna. I know.” 

”He woke up.” She said and then paused for a moment, not taking her eyes of Mike. “He had his face turned against where you were sitting, and he didn’t see me. He started crying when he saw that you were gone. He thought he was alone.” 

“Shit.” Harvey sighed and Donna nodded. 

“I don’t think he understood why you weren’t there. He thought it was his fault. He cried for two hours.” She blinked tiredly and managed to tear her eyes away from the kid to look at Harvey. “Maybe you could stay with him now.” She said quietly.

“I will Donna. You could have called me you know. I would have come.”

”I know you would. I just thought that you deserved some rest.”

“So do you. You should head home. I’ll stay until he is discharged. I’m not leaving him again.” 

“That might be days.”

Harvey shrugged. ”I don’t care.” He leaned forward and touched Mike’s hand with his. He really didn’t care. 

”Good.” Donna simply said. ”He deserves that.” She hugged him before she left him alone with Mike. Harvey studied Mike’s features, his sickly skin color, his sweaty forehead and his left hand with the cast on top of the covers. He honestly had a hard time dealing with all of the emotions that flooded through him. He had never considered himself an emotional guy, he was against emotions. He had told Mike that once, but he knew now that that wasn’t true at all. Mike had changed him. Changed him for the better. He kind of liked this person he had become a lot more than the person he had been before he met Mike. Mike was someone that now depended entirely on him, and only him. Donna had said that Mike had cried today because Harvey hadn’t been there. He didn’t know what to think of that. That had never happened to him before, but he found that he didn’t mind at all. He wanted to be that person for Mike. He felt prepared to do whatever it took to make Mike better. To have him feel safe and cared for. It was his responsibility, his job. It just was.

However, Mike was sick. Seriously ill. Sometimes it was like he forgot about it, after all he didn’t exactly like to think about it. But it was at times like this, when he was sitting in a hospital room next to a sleeping Mike that he realized how serious this was. Mike might not survive this. He had been told by Mike’s doctor that they had been lucky so far that Mike hadn’t had any serious complications with his heart yet. Harvey suspected that it was said as a way of preparing him on what was to come. It was like they were just waiting for something to bad to happen. The MRI that they had wanted to carry out on Mike had been to determine whether his treatment was working or not, and to be able to find out what the next step was going to be. Surgery was an option. The thought of Mike having to undergo heart surgery was frightening. But the thought of Mike not making it through all of this was something entirely different. Harvey really tried to not think about that. He really didn’t know if he could handle that scenario. 

Mike stirred and disrupted his thoughts. Harvey watched as his eyes fluttered open. He met Mike’s eyes a moment later. 

“You are here.” Mike stated. 

“Yes I am. Stating the obvious are we.”

Mike actually smiled a little then, but got serious quickly. “You weren’t before.” He said. 

Harvey just shook his head. “I just headed home and got some sleep Mike. Donna was with you.”

“Yeah, she told me. She said I couldn’t call you or anything.” He blushed a bit, and Harvey took it as a sign that the kid’s mental state was improving. “I just wanted to know why you weren’t here, I thought…” He stopped here looking away. 

“You thought that I didn’t want to be here? Right? That was wrong Mike. I just needed to charge my batteries for a bit. It was nothing you did.” 

“Heh…Are you sure? Because I remember what I did.”

“It’s fine Mike.”

“I was a mess. I am a mess.”

“You want me to contradict that, or what?” 

“No, I don’t think that can be done.”

“Are you feeling better now then?” Harvey felt like he wanted to change the subject, but decided to try to talk about the recent events.

“A little maybe. I don’t feel like I’m about to burst into tears right this moment.” 

Harvey thought that was a good thing. But maybe they should talk about that.

“Look Mike, you have been through hell the last few days. I think the reaction you had was pretty normal, considering.”

Mike was absentmindedly fingering on a tube connected to his IV while he looked across the room.

“I tried to hold it back, to hold it in. But in that tube I just couldn’t anymore. I just wanted out of there you know, I just wanted some control. But I can’t have that here. It’s like I can’t do anything to change my situation. It’s like I’m not a person with a will anymore.”

“Mike…”

“I know how it sounds. I know why it’s happening. It’s because they are trying to save my life, but it is still hard to except.” 

Harvey nodded. “You are handling it excellent Mike.” Mike huffed in disbelief. 

“Where you there? I was panicking.”

“I was there.” Harvey said. It wasn’t a joke. 

Mike looked at him again and had something unreadable in his eyes. Harvey continued. 

“You are handling the best you can, and that is all that you have to do. I think your reaction was pretty normal. You probably held out longer than I would have done.”

“Yeah right.”

“I’m serious. I would have gone crazy and threatened to sue them all if they so much as touched me.”

“Yeah, that kind of sounds like you actually.” Mike smirked. “I really don’t like it.” He said next. 

“What?”

“This feeling… that I had in the MRI, and before and like all the time lately. It just got worse in there.”  
“During the MRI?”

“Yeah, it feels like I’m totally helpless. That I’m too weak or something I don’t know. But it eh…it scares me, Harvey. I just don’t know what to do. I want to do something but I don’t know what, and it just gets too much. ”

“Yeah, I can get that.” 

“I guess that’s why I want you here, because if you are here I don’t have to worry about stuff. You will take care of it.”   
“Damn right I will Mike.” 

Mike looked up at him and smiled a little. “Good.” He said. ”Thank you.”

”You are welcome Mike. I’m going to stick around until you are realized. How does that sound?”

”Sounds great.” Mike yawned. ”Wow…it’s so weird that we are having this conversation. Maybe we should stop now.” 

“It’s not weird. It’s good Mike. I want you to talk to me. I told you that before, but it seems like you are forgetting that.”

As he expected Mike denied forgetting things giving Harvey more ground to stand on in his argument. “Then you do it!” He said forcefully. 

”Yeah, okay. Can we stop this conversation now though? I think we should ease into it, or I’m going to die of embarrassment.”

Harvey didn’t bother to tell him that he didn’t have to be embarrassed. He suspected that Mike knew anyway, but he agreed to let it go for now. Soon. 

“Mike, we haven’t talked about what happened at the office and what happened here, with Jack.” 

He saw how Mike stiffened and almost regretted bringing it up. 

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” He said quietly. 

“I think we should.”

“Harvey…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t protect you better Mike.” Harvey said. He needed to get that out. 

“You are here now.” Mike answered and Harvey nodded.

They left it at that, at least for the moment Harvey thought. They turned on the TV and Mike was asleep again three minutes into the show they chose, making it possible for Harvey to switch to something better. They were making progress. 

Mike got good news later during the day as well. He was told that if he didn’t get worse by tomorrow they would let him go home for a few days and then come back to do a few test and a new MRI. Mike agreed with everything they said. Probably just to please them enough so that they would let him leave. Harvey was thrilled too, if it meant getting out of the small hospital room. 

– SUITS –


	34. Chapter 34

When Mike woke up Harvey was still there. He had basically slept the whole night, except being woken up a few times for checkups by his nurse. Harvey had been there the entire time. He had been sleeping on a small cot next to him, but out of the way for the hospital staff. Harvey got more annoyed by the nightly interruptions than Mike. 

“Really? Again? What do you possible think has happened during the last three hours since you checked? He has been sleeping the entire time.” He had quietly grumbled, but hadn’t said anything else after that and let the startled nurse finish her job in peace.   
Mike couldn’t help but smirk at Harvey when she left. “All right… She is just doing her job. Go back to sleep.” Harvey said and pulled his thin blanket over himself and closed his eyes. Mike did the same.

The next morning after breakfast Mike’s doctor came by to talk to them about letting Mike go home.

“It will only be on trial Mike, I don’t really like all of your results but I understand that you would very much like to go home, and I also think it will do you good. Help you to relax some more. But you are going to rest, no going to work or doing anything that would be challenging for your body. Do you understand?”

Mike did, and they talked a bit more about his treatment and the next few days. It was decided that he would come back in three days and they would do another try with the MRI. Mike was fine with that deal. He was going to be able to go home later that afternoon. Mike felt tiredly excited and couldn’t help but smile and thank the doctor. 

He felt tired after that so he decided to take a nap while Harvey was texting on his phone. When he woke up again he couldn’t help but feel anxious. What if something happened before he was able to leave? What if his heart decided to do something that prevented him to leave? They were going to examine him later, before he left, to make sure it was okay. He wasn’t on any IV:s anymore or the nasal cannula. The only thing he was connected to was the heart monitor, which was understandable. 

Harvey was still there and was sitting on his chair that he had moved close to the window, he was reading some sort of magazine and hadn’t noticed that Mike was awake. He observed him. ´

“Is that a bridal magazine?” He asked, and laughed as Harvey jerked in surprise and dropped the magazine on the floor. 

“No, it wasn’t.” Mike just looked at him.

“I have read all the others by now.” Harvey grumbled. “How long have you been awake?”

“Long enough.” 

“Yeah, how are you feeling?”

“Okay. I’m good. I can still leave right?” Harvey raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, kid. Unless you are feeling worse?”

“No, I’m not. I’m good, Harvey. I am. I promise.” 

”Okay, okay. I believe you. It’s fine. Besides it’s not me you need to convince. I’m with you here, as long as you are cleared.” 

“I’m just worried that…That what if they won’t let me leave Harvey?”

“They will Mike. You are doing pretty okay now, so you can probably leave.” 

“Yeah…” He leaned back on the bed and let out a sigh, but he still couldn’t help but feeling worried. He saw from the corner of his eyes how Harvey picked up the magazine again and continued to read. They didn’t talk much until lunch arrived, and Harvey sneaked out to buy something for himself. The nurse stayed with him in the room until Harvey got back, and he had no idea when Harvey had asked her to do that, because he was pretty sure it was Harvey’s doing. He felt grateful though. He didn’t want to be alone at all. In fact he hadn’t wanted Harvey to leave at all, but it wasn’t really fair to let Harvey starve. He still felt panic surge within him as he watched Harvey walk out the door. Somehow the thought that Harvey wasn’t going to come back entered his mind, or that something bad was going to happen while he was gone. Nothing did though. 

He was still tired but refused to fall asleep, he wanted to wait until he knew for sure that he would be able to leave. 

“Just go to sleep. You look like a zombie or something.” Harvey said from his spot next to Mike. 

He was just about to fall asleep when it was a knock on the door. Mike tensed, and Harvey got up from the chair. But it was only Jessica. 

Mike had no idea why she was there, and it made him a bit nervous to see her. But she smiled at him and asked how he was doing. She even apologized for what happened to him in the office.

“I’m so sorry for the part I played in you getting shot.” She told him, and he assured her that it was fine and that it was nothing. He could see that she didn’t believe him at all. They talked for a bit longer and spoke about how good it was that Jack and Jim were captured. Jessica promised that they were going to be punished for what they did. 

“I need to talk to you too Harvey.” Jessica said. “If you don’t mind stepping out with me for a while?” 

Mike saw that Harvey’s head snapped towards his direction. “Eh…” he said, and Mike knew that he hesitated for his sake. Harvey didn’t think Mike could handle it if he left. That was so embarrassing. 

“It’s fine.” He hurriedly said. 

”Are you sure?” Harvey asked. ”We will be just outside.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s fine.” He insisted. He even rolled his eyes a bit, to point out that he thought Harvey was acting silly by thinking that Mike couldn’t be left alone. 

“We will be right back.” Harvey said and then walked towards the door with Jessica. Mike regretted it all right then. The panic came back again and he cursed himself for being so nonchalant about being fine to be by himself. But his pride stopped him from calling Harvey back right away. It was only going to be a few minutes anyway. He could wait a few minutes. Right? 

He tried to distract himself, tried to think about something else. It worked for like a minute. Then he tried to fall asleep. That didn’t work at all. He had to force himself to keep his eyes closed, but suddenly felt way too vulnerable. Shit! He wanted Harvey to come back now! He didn’t want to be alone. How hard was that for Harvey to get? Why did he leave him by himself? His thoughts were racing around in his head. He felt himself starting to breathe faster. It wasn’t fair. Why didn’t he come back? Harvey knew Mike wasn’t okay with this! Why did he have to leave anyway? Mike really couldn’t understand that. 

He also couldn’t understand himself, his own reactions. What was wrong with him really? His chest started to feel tight. It scared him even more. What if he couldn’t leave now? What if he had to stay? What if he was having a heart attack at this second? He took a few deep breaths as he felt tears starting to rise in his eyes. No, he wasn’t having a heart attack. He was fine, just fine. Except he didn’t want to be here alone anymore. It must have been more than a few minutes now. What if something had happened to Harvey, and he wasn’t able to come back? Maybe Jessica had some emergency so that Harvey had to go with her. No, Harvey would come and tell him. Right? 

He really hated himself. He was so fucking weak and pathetic. He was crying like a child, humiliating himself, because if Harvey came back he would see and know just how pathetic Mike really was. He couldn’t be alone for five minutes without bursting into tears. Harvey would probably hate him too.

He was just laying there crying silently while he waited for what felt like an eternity. He couldn’t take his eyes of the door. He tried to be quiet in his misery to be able to hear some indication of that Harvey was coming back. 

And then it happened! The door opened and Harvey and Jessica stepped inside again. 

“Shit!” Harvey exclaimed when he saw Mike, and he was next to him in a blink and Mike tried to stop. “Hey, hey, it’s okay Mike. It’s okay now. We are back now. Shit kid.” Harvey was trying his best to calm him down. Mike caught a glimpse of Jessica standing behind Harvey. She wore a shocked expression. He just wanted to disappear, to sink through the floor. He was just so embarrassed but had trouble to pull himself together quick enough. He wished she wasn’t there. Why did she have to see him like this? 

“Mike, hey come on.” Harvey was saying. ”I know we shouldn’t have left you alone. Sorry Mike.” 

He didn’t say anything, just hid his face behind his casted hand and arm. He couldn’t deal with himself. He just wanted to pass out, just to not have to deal. He was humiliating himself! 

“Can you please talk to me?” Harvey was asking, and Mike just mumbled that he was sorry. 

“We’ll talk some other time Harvey.” Jessica said quietly and he could hear the door open and close.

“It’s okay now.” Harvey was saying again. He was sitting really close to his bed now and had put a hand on Mike’s shoulder. He was conflicted between the feeling that he should shake it off and the feeling of wanting Harvey to never let him go. He decided to do nothing. Harvey was sighing next to him. 

”You got to talk to me, or I can’t help you Mike.” He said. That got Mike to remove his arm to look at his boss. 

“I…I…I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why…why I do…why I do this. I’m sorry Harvey.”

He barely knew what he was saying, the words just stumbled out of his mouth, but Harvey nodded and told him that it was okay and that he didn’t have to know. He was here now and it was okay, he was saying. That was good. Mike wanted so badly to believe him and managed to force himself to calm down. Thankfully Harvey didn’t comment on his pathetic meltdown he had when left alone for like five minutes. Seriously, Mike thought, what was wrong with him? Something truly was wrong in his head that made him behave like this. But he just couldn’t stop himself. He just couldn’t. 

– SUITS –

Mike was allowed to come home today. Harvey both looked forward to it and dreaded it. It would probably be great for Mike to get away from the hospital. The kid was tense, upset and on edge every waken minute as it was now. Harvey couldn’t step out of the room without feeling extremely guilty for doing so. Mike looked devastated when he did have to leave to go to the bathroom or something like that. However Mike wouldn’t say anything, just looked at him with wide desperate eyes. Harvey hadn’t had a minute to himself during the last day. 

He could understand though. It was within Mike’s right to be upset and freaked out after what happened with Jack. Even though he was caught it was like Mike still was very afraid that something would happen to him at the hospital. He didn’t want to be alone. Harvey could understand that, and didn’t leave Mike alone anymore after Jessica left. He just couldn’t bring himself to do so. It felt like he would be betraying Mike in some way if he did. 

Jessica had brought him an update on the situation with the two men that attacked the firm. They were kept in custody, and Harvey requested a meeting with Jack. Jessica promised to set it up. It had to wait a few days though, until Mike was better. Jessica was understanding, she probably felt guilty about how the whole thing turned out, even though Harvey had done his best to convince her not to do so. 

Harvey wasn’t sure that it was a good idea for Mike to come home. He really looked terrible where he was sitting propped up by pillows, dressed in his own clothes, waiting for the doctor to come one last time before they could leave. However Harvey had decided to back Mike up if the doctor said something about having to stay at the hospital. It did not look like Mike was going to be able to take any type of rejection at the moment in his fragile state.

Luckily they let Mike leave with strict instructions to the both of them that Mike needed to take it easy. His medication was also adjusted and some extra pain medication was added because of his hand. Harvey had almost forgotten about that. It was just so much to deal with that he had forgotten that Mike now supported a gunshot wound. So far Mike hadn’t complained about it being painful. 

They were in the car now, on their way home. Ray had come to pick them up and Mike seemed to appreciate it as the two of them chatted while Harvey was content with just listening. He admired Ray’s way with Mike. They were just talking about normal things, not mentioning anything about hospitals or crazy gun men. At the moment those kinds were kind of stuck in Harvey’s brain. 

Mike somewhat reluctantly held on to Harvey for support as they made their way to the elevator in Harvey’s apartment building. 

“You good?” Harvey asked as Mike leaned back against the wall. Harvey was kind of worried that the kids knees would buckle underneath him before they reached the right floor. 

“Yeah, I think so.” Mike sighed and closed his eyes. 

”Are you going to throw up?” Mike glared at him. 

“No.” 

They made it inside without any incidents and Mike made his way to the couch without a word. Harvey could see him laying down on his side facing the room. He had his injured hand flat against the couch and was hugging himself with the other arm. Harvey expected him to try and fall asleep, but he kept his eyes open, blankly staring out into the room. Harvey sighed for himself. 

“Hey, I’m going to go and take a shower and freshen up a bit. Can I get you something before I do?”

Mike shook his head. Harvey hesitated for a moment. “Will you be okay, if I..?” he mentioned for the bathroom. Mike wouldn’t look at him when he silently nodded.   
Harvey did not feel good about himself when he left the room. He should have asked Donna to come with them as well, then Mike wouldn’t have to be alone. But this was what he had wanted, to come home. However, Mike didn’t seem that excited or happy about being here. He appeared to be just as down as he had been at the hospital. Hopefully he would feel better soon. Harvey still hurried to get ready. 

Mike was in the exact same position when Harvey returned from his shower and sat down on the other side of the coffee table. Mike just briefly looked at him when he sat down, and didn’t acknowledge him in any other way. An awkward silence stretched between them. Harvey decided to do something about that. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. Mike just shrugged his shoulders a bit. 

“Does it feel good to be home?” Mike nodded. He shifted a bit on the couch but kept his left hand still, so that Harvey noticed. Was he in pain?

“Is your hand bothering you?” he asked and Mike surprised him by nodding. 

“Oh, how about we do something about that?”

He got up and went to get Mike stuff that had been dumped in the hall. He found the new prescription for pain killers and brought them back to Mike with a glass of water. 

“You should have said something.” He said as he watch Mike struggle to drink the offered water after accepting the pills. He obviously didn’t want to put any weight on his arm that he would have needed to raise himself from the couch enough to drink comfortable. He still managed though. He gave the glass back to Harvey and laid down comfortable again. 

“I didn’t want to say anything there. Just in case, you know…” 

Harvey did know. “So you opted for suffering in silence instead. That’s clever.”

Mike just took the insult. “I didn’t want to stay there.” He said quietly. 

“I know Mike. But you are home now, and it is going to be okay. You will feel better soon. Just tell me when you are in pain will you?”

“Okay Harvey. Thanks.” 

The rest of that day they spent like that. Mike started to feel better after a while when his pain meds kicked in, and Harvey was relieved to see some of the old Mike coming back. At least he was sitting up and talking. He was eating what Harvey put in front of him, and complained of Harvey’s choice of a movie. 

“Stop quoting everything before they say it!” Harvey wanted to throw a pillow at the kid. “I get it, you have seen it before.”

Mike just smirked at him and continued, and Harvey let him. It was good. And it was kind of amazing the way Mike had the entire dialogue memorized. 

Without talking about it, Harvey kept Mike company in his bedroom until Mike fell asleep that night. They had been small talking for a while, avoiding to talk about anything that involved cancer, hospitals, guns or even the office. Mike was a bit drugged up after taking his evening dose of meds, it was unusual that he acted like that, but Harvey figured it was because he was taking extra painkillers now. But Mike was relaxed and not that stressed and fell asleep pretty quickly enabling Harvey to head to bed himself. 

Harvey had trouble falling asleep. He found himself laying on his bed staring up at the ceiling. He couldn’t stop thinking about the events of the last week. He was exhausted after it all, but now when he had the chance to relax he couldn’t. 

He felt like there once again was kind of a tension between him and Mike, like Mike wasn’t telling him everything. Before all of this he had really thought that he and Mike had been doing some progress, but he wasn’t sure anymore. He knew that Mike really was struggling, and he felt so sorry for the younger man. He couldn’t imagine what Mike was going through on the inside, and he just wished that Mike would tell him. But the kid still had some sense of pride which Harvey was kind of reluctant to undermine. Hopefully things would be better with time, and they would be able to forget the whole ordeal with Jack. 

– SUITS –

Apparently Harvey was staying home with him now. Mike hadn’t questioned it, because he was kind of afraid of the answer. What if Harvey told him that he had to go back to work? He wasn’t ready for that yet. 

He was home now. It had been what he wanted. He had longed for this so much during his stay at the hospital, he had dreamt about it, he had practically begged Harvey to take him here, but now, now when he was here it still didn’t feel right. 

He had thought that as soon as he came home to Harvey condo everything would be okay. He would feel better, he would be able to sleep more or at least better. He wouldn’t have that many nightmares. And things would be nice. Harvey and him was going to watch movies together, have dinners and just hang around and talk about cases. But it wasn’t like that. He didn’t feel better and he couldn’t understand why. He had gotten what he wanted, he wasn’t at the hospital anymore and he should feel better! 

He didn’t want to do anything. He had no appetite and had to force himself to eat at least some of what Harvey put in front of him. Everything tasted the same, or rather everything was tasteless and kept growing in his mouth. 

He didn’t feel like watching movies either. They had done it the first night he was home, but now he didn’t really followed the storyline. His mind kept drifting away, and when he tried to focus on the story he couldn’t focus long enough which made him annoyed. However he didn’t say anything about it to Harvey, he just pretended to watch. 

He absolutely didn’t want to talk about Harvey’s cases. It just made him feel bad, feel left out and useless. He had no idea about what Harvey was talking about. Before the situation at the office Harvey had started to work on a new case which Mike had no insight in what so ever. Harvey wanted to continue with that now, but from home. Harvey wouldn’t let Mike help either, which made him angry, and then tired when he tried to hide it. He just wanted Harvey to shut up about it, but he couldn’t say that, so what he did was that he just didn’t answer and Harvey had eventually stopped. 

Basically he just felt sad and depressed and like he wanted to cry his eyes out. He didn’t do that though. The only thing he wanted was for Harvey to be around. He didn’t want to be alone, it just made everything worse. He hadn’t told Harvey that, but he seemed to understand, because he kept close to Mike most of the time. The first night Harvey stayed in his room and worked by his desk there until he fell asleep. He hadn’t had that many nightmares yet. It was a bit surprising, he had expected more of that. 

Mike and Harvey had talked some at the hospital, but they hadn’t really talked that much after that. At least not about feelings or anything like that. Not that he was dying to pour out his soul to Harvey, but it felt kind of weird between them sometimes. 

He knew that Harvey had told him many times now to tell him if something was wrong but he just couldn’t. It felt uncomfortable to just think about it. He should be able to handle things better, he didn’t want Harvey to know that he really couldn’t. 

Donna had stopped by a few times, almost every day. Sometimes she brought dinner with her and they all ate. One day she came earlier than usual, and Harvey told him that he had to leave for a few hours. Mike had wanted to protest, but hadn’t. Other than that Harvey had stayed at home with him. 

It was like things were on hold now. Like they were just waiting for something to happen. He had to go to the hospital later today. Harvey had promised to come with him. He was going to have another MRI. He kind of nervous but also embarrassed. He really hoped that the hospital staff wouldn’t make a bid deal of it that he had freaked out the last time. 

It turned out that they didn’t, and he was able to handle it much better than before. Harvey managed so that he was able to listen to his own music in the headphones, and the whole thing passed without him freaking out. He felt nervous though, at the hospital, and just wished that they could leave as soon as he stepped inside the building. 

“You okay?” Harvey had asked. ”If you feel like doing this later, we could come back another day.” 

Mike had assured him that he was fine. That night he wasn’t. 

– SUITS –

As Harvey passed the door to Mike’s room on his way from the bathroom he heard some muffled sounds coming from inside it. He stopped and carefully stepped closer to the door, and leaned closer to it. Yes, it was definitely Mike, and it sounded that like he was crying. Harvey sighed and hesitated for just a moment before he quietly opened the door. It was dark in the room since no lights were on, the opened door didn’t help much. He could distinguish the shape of Mike’s body on the bed though, he was curled up in a ball with his back against the door. He had the cover almost over his head. Harvey stepped closer to him, and was able to hear his sobs better. It sounded like he had been going at it for a while now, they sounded tired and dry. Harvey thought back at the evening before, he hadn’t noticed that Mike had been upset or any other indication as to why Mike was crying now. 

“Mike?” He whispered. “You okay?” Stupid question. Mike didn’t move. Harvey sat down on the bed behind him. 

“What’s wrong Mike?” he asked a bit louder. He put a hand on Mike’s back and patted a bit awkwardly.

“Harvey? It that you?” Mike asked.

“Yeah it is Mike. Come on, can you tell me what’s wrong?” 

It was so strange sitting there next to someone who was crying like this, like Mike was. It wasn’t normal. But on the other hand, they weren’t in a normal situation. Mike was fighting heart cancer, they had been to the hospital today for the first time after the whole thing with Jack. He did have the right to be upset. And it was Harvey’s job to stand by him. The problem was just that sometimes he just didn’t know how to that. How to make it better. He would always try though, that was a promise he had given himself and secretly to Mike. He had been successful before.

“I…I didn’t know if...I don’t know.” Mike stuttered out eventually. He didn’t make any attempt to stop crying. Harvey leaned over to the side and turned a light on. 

“You don’t know? Okay…Were you dreaming?” 

“Yeah… I don’t know. I’m just… sad and I’m scared. Sorry.” 

“Okay. I see. That doesn’t sound good kid.” 

“I’m sorry.” Mike hiccupped. 

“Yeah… don’t be. You should have come to me.” 

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“I didn’t mean to.” Mike mumbled. 

“Oh kid…”

They were quiet for a while. Harvey continued sitting next to Mike with his hand on his shoulder. He was thinking that his presence would calm him down, but it didn’t seem to work. The kid just continued. 

“Mike. Calm down. It’s okay now, all right.” 

“Sorry… I’m trying.” He drew a few shaky breaths and Harvey could feel him tense. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” He whispered a while later, and his shoulder started to shake again. 

“You can go.” Mike whispered next. “You don’t have to stay. I can’t stop. I’m so sorry Harvey.” He turned his head into the pillow as he tried to, what Harvey guessed, keep quiet. Harvey sat still on the bed for a while. He was still stroking Mike’s back slowly. He felt so bad for him. Mike had realized that he couldn’t do what Harvey was asking of him, and now he was giving him permission to leave. That was just sad to Harvey. 

“I’m not leaving.” He said quietly. “I don’t have anywhere else to be right now anyway.” 

“But I can’t stop. I don’t know how. Or why. It’s…it’s okay if you want to go. Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not. You don’t have to stop Mike. I’ll stay anyway.” Harvey said as he guessed that it made Mike feel more stressed out that he wasn’t able to stop when Harvey wanted him to. 

The kid didn’t stop for twenty more minutes. By that time Harvey was ready to cry a bit himself. Not that he did, but if he would have allowed himself he could have done it. 

Sometimes Mike would whisper something out in the room, Harvey didn’t know if it was aimed at him or not. He answered him anyway and whispered something back to him. 

“I’m scared Harvey.” Mike said many times. Nothing Harvey said seemed to have an effect on him. Nothing he said lessened Mike’s fear. Harvey didn’t even know what he was so scared about. He was pretty sure that Mike didn’t either, at least he wouldn’t say. But it made Harvey feel angry. He wanted so badly to lessen Mike’s fear, but he just couldn’t. It was an awful feeling, the feeling of being powerless.

“Don’t be scared.” He said for the fourth time. It didn’t work this time either. Did he really think it would? Mike just laid there, curled up under the covers shaking and crying like a small child. Harvey had a hard time understanding how that much sadness could fit into a person. 

Eventually he sat up, he had gotten an idea. He told Mike that he would be right back and went to get his laptop before he returned to the kid. Mike was in the same position. Harvey fired up the laptop and searched for a suitable movie. He found one he knew Mike liked and hit play, then he made himself comfortable next to Mike on the bed, put the laptop between them and put an arm behind Mike’s head and rested a hand on his shoulder. 

“We are just going to watch the movie now, okay?” And they did. Eventually Mike started to calm down, and Harvey saw that his attention was fixed on the screen. The tension in Mike’s shoulders and whole body ebbed away the longer into the movie they got. 

“I feel better now.” Mike told him half way in. 

“That’s good.” Harvey said. “Now shut up and watch. It’s starting to get good.” 

Mike laughed a little and rested his head more against Harvey’s arm. He was asleep ten minutes later. Harvey had succeeded. That was what it felt like. Like he had actually had won. He allowed himself to relax as well. He ended up watching the whole movie like that. It was close to five in the morning when he stumbled down into his own bed. This resulted in Harvey getting about five hours of sleep. Not that that was uncommon, but he felt like he had needed a few hours more. 

“Sorry about last night.” Mike mumbled at the breakfast table. ”I was a bit out of it.” 

“It’s fine. Do you know what it was about? You weren’t that clear about that last night.”

He watched Mike blush and waited patiently for him to speak.

“I had a nightmare.” He said and met Harvey’s eyes. Then he drew a deep breath and continued. 

“I dreamt about what happened in the office. How he shot me…” 

Harvey nodded, but Mike wasn’t done.

“But he didn’t stop with me, he shot you too. He shot you, and I… I think you died or something because you weren’t there after that. I was looking for you, and it was blood everywhere, and I couldn’t find you.” 

He was biting his lip and staring down into the table. “I woke up and for a second I didn’t know if it was real or not. I kind of just lost it.” 

“Yeah, that’s understandable kid.” 

Mike nodded and blew out some air. “Thanks though.” He said. 

”No problem Mike.” That was one hell of a nightmare. Poor kid. He hesitated a bit, not sure if it was a good thing or not to mention this to Mike. But he decide to do it. 

“I went to see Jack a few days ago.” 

“What?” Mike looked up at him with a shocked expression. ”You went to see him? Why? What happened?” 

”I just needed to give him a piece of my mind. He is in jail Mike. He is going to stay there for a really long time. You don’t have to worry about him or anything regarding him anymore.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. It’s over.”

”When were you going to tell me about that?”

“I just did.” 

“You didn’t think I could handle it did you?”

“I didn’t say that.” 

“You just thought it.” 

“I didn’t see any reason to bring it up at the time.”

“Right. Whatever.” Mike stood up and left the table and walked over to the couch and plopped down on it. Harvey just rolled his eyes and went to clear the breakfast table, as always he was the one doing that. Mike didn’t really do anything around the condo when he thought about it. Sure he was sick and all, but he wasn’t bedridden all the time. Although laying down was practically all Mike had been doing the last few days. Harvey hadn’t said anything, because Mike had this look on his face. A look that clearly said that he wasn’t doing well. Mike probably thought that he didn’t notice it, but he did. They way Mike’s eyes would follow him around the room, as if he was afraid that Harvey would disappear the moment Mike looked away. Sometimes he had looked close to tears, maybe he was. 

Frankly Harvey felt a bit fed up. He wished for a moment that he could have some time alone. He had spent all his waken time with Mike lately. He hadn’t had any time for himself, and right now he wished he could have just that. Mike was an adult, he should be able to be by himself, sick or not. What did he really think could happen? 

Harvey had left his work in the office the other night so he went to get it, while he was there he decided to just stay there and work. It only took a few minutes until Mike was standing in the doorway. 

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Working. What does it look like?”

“What’s with you?” Mike said as he sat down on his bed. ”You need any help?” 

“No, you get some rest.” 

“I have already done that. Enough of that I think.” 

“Yeah, well I have some work to do anyway.” 

“Okay…” 

Harvey got about ten minutes of silence before Mike started it up again. He was apparently bored. 

“So you think that you are going to win?”

“Of course I’ll win.” 

“What’s your strategy then?”

“To beat the other side.” 

“Oh, that’s very informative Harvey. How?” 

“Mike. Go to sleep or something.” 

“Fine…” Mike muttered. He muttered something else as well, that Harvey pretended that he didn’t hear, even though he knew that Mike had wanted him to. 

A while later Harvey could hear the faint tunes of Mike’s music from his headphones. He glared at Mike and saw that he was curled up on top of his bed with his eyes closed. 

He could focus for exactly two minutes before he stared to get annoyed with the music. He had thought he was going to be able to ignore it, but he couldn’t. He quietly gathered his things and left the room. Mike didn’t seem to notice. However he was wrong, because Mike came after him a few minutes later. He sheepishly sat down on the couch next to Harvey who held back his sigh. 

“I thought you were sleeping.” He said. 

“No, I wasn’t.” 

“Apparently.” 

Harvey just couldn’t understand why he all of a sudden felt so annoyed with the kid. It was just the way he was following him around the apartment and now he was just sitting there, twitching with his leg. The day passed and it just got worse. He almost snapped at Mike, but managed to stop himself before he did. It was just that Mike wouldn’t leave him alone. He tried to imagine himself in Mike’s position and tried to remember that the kid didn’t liked to be alone. But it was just hard. He just couldn’t get what it was that Mike was so afraid of. Nothing bad was going to happen to him in Harvey’s condo anyway. 

Mike refused to go and take a nap on his bed, even after dinner, which they had unusually early. He was annoying too. Now he was on the couch, tossing and turning as if he tried to find a comfortable position, but couldn’t. He wasn’t exactly making any noises, but Harvey could see his movements from the corner of his eyes.   
“Mike! Come on! You are obviously tired, just go to your room and rest already. Or stay still.” Harvey eventually exclaimed. He really couldn’t concentrate with the kid there, and he had to go through these files until the next day. He had told him a bunch of times already. Suggested that he go and take a nap, hinted that he looked tired and needed to not be tomorrow if he wanted to go to work with him. He wasn’t sure if he was going himself, or if he would let Mike go, but figured it had been a good motivation. But Mike didn’t take the hint, or he didn’t want to. Either way he just stayed where he was and continued to annoy Harvey. 

“Come on Harvey, you have been working all day. You should take a break. Did you know that your ability to concentrate efficiently decreases…”

“No I didn’t know that.”

“I wasn’t even finished.” 

“I knew that.”

“Funny. But you should know that...” 

“Mike! I’m trying to get this shit done. Just go would you!” He hadn’t really meant to raise his voice like that. He wanted to take it back when he saw Mike’s expression.   
But the kid got up from the couch and just left without a word. He should call him back. He should do something. But he didn’t. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was an asshole. Why would he say that? Why would he yell?! Mike hadn’t done anything. He was just talking, it wasn’t fair. Damn! He felt like crap now. And humiliated. Why would Harvey do that? Implying that he couldn’t get his shit done with Mike there. He had had the whole day to get it done. What had he been doing the whole day then? 

Mike hadn’t felt that good when he woke this morning, and he told Harvey that. He told him about his damn nightmare. He thought Harvey would understand. It had been so terrible. He wished he didn’t remember the dream and all the feelings it rose in him, but he did. He remembered it like it had actually happened, some parts of it had. And now Harvey wanted nothing to do with him. He just wanted to be around the older man. It wasn’t so much to ask for, right? But Harvey didn’t want that.   
He stopped in the door way to his room, it was kind of dark and cold. And empty. Without thinking anymore about it he left the room and walked over to Harvey’s bedroom. He hesitated only for a few seconds before he laid down on the bed. This was the closest to Harvey he could get at the moment. He still felt alone though. God, he really wished he wasn’t. If only someone was there. Anyone really. But he had no one now. Suddenly thoughts of his grandmother swam up in his head. He remembered how she used to tell him to come over to her on the bed, and he would sit next to her and hold her hand. He would give anything to do that right now. If only she was alive. Then he could have called her. Just hearing her voice would be fine. But that wasn’t happening. 

He didn’t know how long he was laying there dwelling in memories of his childhood and feeling alone. But then he heard Harvey getting up from the couch and a tiny bit of hope rose within him. Maybe Harvey was done now? 

“Mike?” He heard Harvey call out for him and he answered. Harvey surprised face came into view. 

“What the hell are you doing§ here?” he exclaimed, and the hope was gone. 

“I was just…” What was he doing really? He just couldn’t get any words out but tried again “I wanted to…” Harvey interrupted him.

“I don’t want to hear it. Get over to your own bed.” 

“Fine!” He yelled. And with that Harvey was gone again since he obviously didn’t want to deal with Mike at all. Mike stumbled to the office and closed the door behind   
him. He took hold of a pillow and pushed it against his face. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t know if he was going to be able to stop if he started. And he didn’t want to experience that. Harvey wouldn’t like it either. He was sure of it. If only his grandma was here. Or anyone.

– SUITS –

He should probably go and check on Mike now. He knew that he probably had upset the kid by yelling at him, not once but twice. Mike had been pretty pissed himself. But you never knew now with Mike, for all he knew he could be in his room crying his eyes out. Harvey just didn’t get why Mike had gone for his bed, and not his own. Was it because he wanted to hang out with Harvey when he came to go to bed? 

Mike was curled up on his bed with his back against the door when Harvey stepped into the room. He didn’t react when Harvey walked in. 

“You okay Mike?” he asked the standard question just to get the conversation going. 

“What do you think?” Mike answered, his voice muffled since he refused to remove the pillow.

“Sorry Mike.” Harvey said and watched as Mike shrugged. They needed to talk. 

“Hey kid, can you tell me what’s up with you?”

Mike didn’t look at him. He shook his head. “I don’t want to.” He said stubbornly.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong Mike.”

“You can’t help me anyway!”

“I can try.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Yeah, why don’t I believe that?”

Harvey decided to just wait him out and was rewarded after a minute or so of silence as Mike removed the pillow to talk. “I miss my grandma.” Mike blurted out still not looking at Harvey as he drew the cover higher up almost so that Harvey couldn’t see his face. But he just moved a bit closer, so that he was able to look the kid in the eye. It really felt like he was talking to a kid. A little boy that now covered under the blankets. 

“You are right, I can’t really help you there.” He said as kindly as he could.

“Yeah I told you.”

Harvey didn’t know what to say now. But he didn’t leave. He debated whether he should put his hand out to comfort him somehow. Mike was looking up at him with a sad expression. His eyes were wet.

“Can I call Donna?” He then asked with a shaky voice. Harvey was a bit taken aback at first. 

“Eh…of course. Go ahead.” 

“I want her to come over. Is that okay?”

“Yeah.” 

Mike hesitated. “But what if… what if she doesn’t want to come?” 

“Mike, if you ask her, she will come.” Harvey reassured him. He fished out his phone from his pocket and handed it to Mike. “Here.” 

Mike didn’t take it. He just stared at it in Harvey’s hand. “What is she is busy?”

“It’s only one way to find out, right?” He waved the phone towards Mike again. 

“Okay…” Mike whispered. 

He then slowly took the phone and dialed the number and then pressed the phone hard against his ear. His hand was shaking a bit. Harvey just sat there and watched   
him. As the signals rang Mike’s expression changed from looking a bit hopeful to looking devastated. 

”She is not answering!” He looked up at Harvey with tear filled eyes. He then threw the phone on the bed and curled up and buried his head down in the pillow so that Harvey only could see the back of his head. It was like he just gave up. 

Harvey watched as his shoulder started to shake, and knew that Mike was crying, even though he didn’t emit any sounds. Damn it Donna! He thought. Why didn’t she answer? The kid really needed her for some reason, comfort probably. And he didn’t want it from Harvey. It was his fault. He had pushed the kid away. What was it really that he had been so annoyed about? 

At this point he felt that he wanted to give Mike whatever it was that he wanted, he almost felt prepared to get into a car and head over to Donnas apartment himself. But he couldn’t leave the place with Mike like this. What to do? He took the phone from where Mike had tossed it and dialed her number himself, but as he suspected she didn’t answer this time either. 

“Look Mike, I’m sure she is just in the shower or something. She will call you back any second. Or you’ll call her again. It will be okay.” 

”No, it won’t.” Mike hiccupped. ”She is not going to come. She’s not coming.” 

“We’ll try to call her a bit later.” 

Mike didn’t answer, he just fisted the pillow in his hands and pushed it against his face again.

“Hey, why do you want to see her so badly all of a sudden?” Harvey wanted to know.

“I…I just wanted to see her.” Mike mumbled from behind the pillow. “She is nice to me.”

“What? Unlike me?” Harvey smirked, he wasn’t really being serious.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that.” Mike hurriedly said looking up.

“I know, I was joking. I was a jerk though, earlier.” Mike looked at him for a long time, but then decided to not acknowledge the meaning behind Harvey’s words.

”It doesn’t matter anyway. She won’t come.” 

“Sure she will.” 

“No she won’t.” 

Mike seemed so convinced. He had stopped crying but tears were running down his face. Harvey secretly dialed Donna’s number again, willing her to pick up.   
However he didn’t get a reply.

“She’s probably in the shower or something. We’ll call her in a little bit again.” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“Of course it does Mike.”

Mike didn’t say anything else. He just laid there silently looking at nothing. His face was blank. Like he had decided to shut off.

“Anything I can do?” Harvey asked, but Mike just shrugged his shoulders and remained silent. Harvey didn’t know what to say. Half an hour later without any change from the both of them the phone rang, the caller ID told him who it was. 

“Donna!” He answered. 

“Harvey, what’s wrong? Five missed calls? Is it Mike?” 

“Yeah, but he is okay.”

“Why did you call me five times then?” 

“Mike wants to see you.” 

“Oh…”

“If you’re not busy.”

She seemed to hesitate. “Is he upset?” She asked then. “Did he call once, and you the rest?”

“Well…”

“I’ll be there soon.” She hang up and he went to tell Mike. 

He opened the door for her twenty five minutes later and stepped aside for her to come in. She was wearing a nice black dress and a thick coat. 

“Hey, thank you for coming Donna. I’m sorry for dragging you away like that.” He said as he took her coat when she handed it to him.

“It’s fine, Harvey. This night’s performance wasn’t the best I have seen. I’m sure I’m not missing anything special. I’m clearly more needed here. You look tired.”

“Yeah… well.” Harvey sighed. ”He is upset for some reason, said he misses his grandma.” 

“Oh…” Donna disappeared into the condo in search of Mike. He followed her after a moment and could hear her talking quietly to the kid. He stopped in the doorway   
and saw that Donna was on her way to lay down next to Mike, who had move as much as he could against the wall to make room for her. His tired eyes were following her every move. Donna turned on her side so that she was facing Mike. She reached out and grabbed his good hand. 

“I’m here now.” She said. Mike just nodded. He had tears in his eyes. 

”You came.” He whispered. “You came Donna.” 

”Of course I did.” 

”Will you stay?” 

”Yes.”

”Really?” 

”Yes.”

”I don’t want you to go.”

“I just got here, I won’t be leaving any time soon. It’s okay now sweetie.”

Harvey had to step a bit closer to hear them. 

“I didn’t know if you would come or not. Thank you.”

“There is nothing to thank me for Mike. Of course I came.”

Mike pulled a bit at her hand with his.

“Harvey didn’t want me around.” He was crying now, but trying not to. “He told me to go.” 

Shit. This was what it was about. He felt bad now. Harvey wanted to just step in and make things right, but he better just leave it to Donna for now. Mike would   
probably get more stressed if he found out that Harvey was eavesdropping, the kid hadn’t noticed him.

Mike had wanted company. He had felt lonely and didn’t want to be alone and all Harvey did was tell him to go. So now he felt like he wasn’t wanted. No wonder he wanted Donna there so badly, she would never tell him to leave. 

Donna glanced at his direction for a second, before focus her attention entirely on Mike. 

“He was just stressed out about work Mike, he wants you around.” 

“No he doesn’t. I just bother him. I knew I was, but I didn’t want to be alone.” 

“Shh…It’s okay Mike. You are not alone.” 

Mike didn’t answer her right away. He was breathing deeply. “I don’t know what to do.” he said. “I’m trying to not be…too much. But I just, I just…I don’t want to feel bad, and when I’m alone I do.”

“Shh… Mike..”

“I don’t know what to do. I just thought that maybe you would want to come.”

“Of course I wanted to come.”

“What were you doing anyway? You didn’t answer when I called.” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I had it on silent.”

“Where were you then?” 

“At the theatre.”

“What?” 

“It’s fine Mike.”

“No, no, no, no. It’s not. It isn’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Mike’s voice broke.

“I wanted to come here Mike.”

“No, you didn’t. I’m just a mess, and you left the theatre. For nothing! I’m just being pathetic.” 

“Mike…”

But Donna couldn’t get the kid to stop. It was like he wasn’t listening to her at all. “No, I shouldn’t have made you come. I’m not in pain or anything, I was just selfish.”

“Mike, you weren’t being selfish.”

“Yes, I was. I just demand you here like you are my slave or something, but I didn’t mean to do that. You have to believe me!”

”And you have to listen to me!” Donna had had enough and took Mike’s face between her hands. “I want to be here for you, more than I want to be anywhere else.” 

“You are just saying that…”

“Am I ever just saying something?”

Mike swallowed but then shook his head a little. “Really?” He whispered. 

“Of course sweetie.” 

“And you are going to stay? Here?” 

“Yes I am.” 

“I’m tired.”

“Then sleep, Mike.”

“I’m going to have nightmares.” He whispered and drew a shaky breath. 

“Then I’ll wake you up.” 

“Okay…” 

Harvey didn’t hear anything after that. However he couldn’t get himself to move away from his spot next to the door. 

“You can come in now.” Donna said then. Of course she had known that he was there. She hadn’t moved from her position laying on her side still holding on to Mike’s good hand, the other one laying uselessly between them. 

“You told him to go?” Her voice filled with something he hadn’t heard before in it. Was it resentment? But he nodded.

“You thought that would be a good idea? In his state?”

“It wasn’t a good idea. I hurt him.”

“Yes you did. And we will talk about it tomorrow. Now go and get my bag.” 

Harvey did what she said without a word.

– SUITS –


	35. Chapter 35

”Is he still asleep?” 

”Would I come out here if he wasn’t?”

Donna took a seat in front of Harvey at the breakfast table. 

“I guess you wouldn’t. Did you share a bed with him?” He smirked a bit. She didn’t dignify that with a reply. 

”He woke up crying two times.” She said quietly looking out the window. “I don’t think he knew I was next to him the first time. I woke up from him crying, and I think I scared him when I spoke. He said he had been dreaming.”

“Yeah, I think he have frequent nightmares. He doesn’t want to talk about them though.”

“Do you even ask him?” 

“He won’t talk to me.”

She let out a frustrated sound. “Where do you think he gets that from? Do you talk to him Harvey? Do you tell him what you feel, or do you just yell at him to leave the room when you get frustrated with him?”

There it was. He had been waiting for her to bring yesterday’s events up. 

“No I didn’t.” He answered obediently. 

”God why do you two have to complicate things all the time? Why can't you just speak to each other like normal people? How hard is that?” 

She rolled her eyes at him when he didn't answer right away. “Because you are men, that's why.” She sighed. 

“We do talk.” Harvey tried.

“Yeah, and how did that go?” 

“Okay, we didn't talk yesterday but we talked before. I have told him to talk to me.” 

“Well, he is not in the same position as you, is he? He is depending on you here Harvey. You have to be the one who takes the first step. Mike isn't comfortable enough to do so with you.”

“But why not? I keep telling him!”

“How would you feel if you were him? Suddenly have to depend entirely on someone else with practically everything in your life and at the same time trying to not freak out.” 

Harvey sighed and rubbed his face. “I know.” He said. “I just…I’m not used to this.” 

“And neither is Mike, so the two of you needs to figure it out. And soon, because I don't think Mike can take it that much longer. You know he is breaking apart right?” 

“Yeah… I and know I was an ass to him yesterday so you don't need to point that out.”

“What were you thinking? You heard him right? He thinks you don't want him around.”

“I didn't want him around yesterday. He annoyed the crap out of me. And yes I know that he is feeling like crap and that he just got out of the hospital, but I just couldn't help it Donna. I just needed a moment to myself. He follows me around like a damn puppy.” 

“Because he doesn't want to be alone. Because he is scared. You know he is scared, right? Because if you have missed that, then I think I…”

“Yes, yes I know that.” Harvey put up his hand to stop her. “I know I shouldn't have yelled at him, I just lost it. I'll apologize.”

“And you will talk to him.”

“And I will talk to him.”

“Good.” She smiled at him a bit now. “I will come over more, spend time with him if you need a break Harvey.” 

“Thank you. I think Mike would like that as well.”

“Of course he would.” 

“You want some coffee?”

They had breakfast together after that. They talked some more about Mike, of course. Donna wanted to know how he was dealing with what had happened to him at the office. Harvey told her what he knew and thought. He also told her about his visit to Jack in prison, since he hadn't had the chance to do that yet. 

Mike woke up a few hours later and joined them in the living room. He was subdued and just briefly met Harvey's eyes. Donna tilted her head at him and he did his best in trying to convince Mike that everything was good between them after he apologized. It wasn't that hard as he had imagined it. Mike apologized too for being annoying, but Harvey shrugged it off saying it was fine and no, he hadn't been. But at Mike’s hesitant look he admitted that he had needed some time for himself.

“We just need to learn how to work things out, okay?” 

“Yeah. I guess we do.” Mike was blushing a bit. “I just, I don't know why I…” He paused and both Harvey and Donna waited for him to continue. But it seemed like he didn't know what to say so he just shrugged. 

“It's not your fault.” Donna told him smiling sadly.

Mike nodded. “Thanks guys. It means a lot…all of this.” He pointed vaguely around the room. 

“Sure.” Harvey said. And that was that. Things were alright again. At least for the time being. Harvey was fine with that.

Mike was tired and a bit flushed so Donna ushered him back to bed after he had eaten and swallowed all his pills. She stayed with the kid during the rest of the day giving Harvey the opportunity to head over to the office for a couple of hours as well as go out for a refreshing run. 

When he got back home Mike was sleeping again. Donna was reading quietly in the corner of Mike’s room, but followed him to the kitchen after making sure Mike was comfortable in his sleep. 

“How did it go today?” Harvey asked and listened to how Donna explained how the day had transpired for the two of them. Not much had happened and she left after promising to come back the next evening. 

– SUITS –

The next day when Mike woke up he was in pain. That was never a good start of a day. He knew it would only get worse then. And it did. The painkillers didn’t really work like they were supposed to and it made him agitated and tired. He had a headache as well. On top of it all his left arm itched underneath the cast. He tried to sleep but had a hard time relaxing. He was just hurting too much. He was just sick of it all. Why couldn’t he catch a break like for one day at least? Damn the cancer. He hated it. 

Yesterday had been fine. Donna had kept him company and they had had a pretty nice day, playing cards and watching re-runs of stupid reality shows on TV. They had tried to find the most ridiculous and had commented on the behavior of the participants. It had been fun. Donna was at work today which left him and Harvey alone by themselves. Harvey had to work though. Mike wasn’t up for that at all. He knew he was being unreasonable but he didn’t want Harvey to work. He wanted Harvey to spend time with him! Why the hell was work so important? It felt like a lifetime ago since he felt that it had been. Now he was freaking dying, so it didn’t mean as much to him anymore. 

“What are you doing?” He asked. 

“Working.” Harvey replied without looking up. 

“Yeah, on what?” 

“My case.” Mike rolled his eyes. Why did Harvey had to be like that? 

“Yeah, I got that. What is it about?”

“It’s not of your concern Mike. Watch a movie or something?”

Mike huffed and wanted to feel offended. “Why can’t you tell me about it? Maybe I can help you, so you will be done faster. You have probably missed something.” 

Harvey looked a bit annoyed now. “Come on Mike.” He sighed and turned back to his work ignoring Mike. Mike however didn’t quit, he didn’t want to. He felt frustrated, he was in pain and he wanted Harvey to care. He wanted Harvey to ask how he was feeling. He had a feeling he wasn’t really going on about it the right way, but he didn’t care.

“All you do is work. It’s probably just to give some rich people more money anyway. Why do you even care about that at all? It’s bullshit!”

“Are you saying that what I do is bullshit?”

“Yes! Come on! You have to agree that most of our cases are bullshit. There are so many other things we could do, but no all we do is…”

“I don’t think you should finish that sentence.” 

“Oh come on Harvey, why not?” 

“I don’t want to have this conversation with you right now?” 

“So you want to have it another time then? Let me know because I…” 

“What the hell is going on with you?” 

“What do you think?”

“I don’t know, you are talking shit about work, work that you were happy to do just a few weeks ago. I don’t know what you want to get out of this? Frankly you are starting to piss me off.” 

“Oh really…and things have changed, haven’t they.” 

“Yes they have Mike. I’m aware. You are sick now, I know that you have other priorities then work. But I still have to get this shit done as the same time as I have to look after you.” 

“What? You are the one that promised that we were in this together. You said that you would help. I didn’t ask you too.”

“Well, it’s not like you have anyone else is there. And you were so…” Harvey stopped himself and drew a deep breath. He clenched his teeth together.

“So what?? Just say it! I know you want to! Just say it.”

“Mike stop it!”

“I know you don’t want to be here. Don’t you think I know that? I know I’m just holding you back, keeping you locked up in here. I feel really sorry for you Harvey.”

Mike didn’t really like the direction this conversation was headed. Harvey seemed to be genuinely pissed at him now, and Mike didn’t know how that had happened. He didn’t know why he was saying all these things. But it felt good somehow.

“Mike, just stop talking. I think that’s for the best.”

“Yeah, because you really know what’s best for me, do you?”

“I know better than you, yes.”

“You don’t know shit!”

“I’m staying home with you aren’t I? Because I know that you can’t handle being alone.”

“Shut the hell up!” He was screaming now. 

“No Mike. You need to shut up and leave me the hell alone right now. I have work to do, and you obviously have no idea what you are saying right now. Go get yourself together!” 

Mike just stared at him in disbelief and made to stand up and walk away. It was so damn annoying that he had to struggle to do it, it was humiliating to not being able to storm off angrily. 

“Fine, I’ll leave you the hell alone then. Work is the only thing that matters to you anyway! I bet you can’t wait until this kills me, so you will get rid of me.” It wasn’t fair, he knew that, but he wanted Harvey to feel guilty. It didn’t work though. 

“You know that’s not true.” Harvey said. “I know what you are trying to do, but I don’t care. You can’t play me Mike. You are taking advantage of the situation to get what you want. It’s not working.”

Mike started to walk away from him. He didn’t want to hear this, and besides his eyes was starting to water. He didn’t want Harvey to see that. 

“Yeah, you just walk away! Don’t expect any sympathy from me when you are bawling your eyes out in your room again.” 

Mike slammed the door shut as hard as he could. He wished the door had a lock. Damn it damn it damn it! He had fucked up again. Harvey hated him now. He just stood there leaning against the door. He didn’t want to cry at all, but angry tears kept appearing. He really was pathetic. What was he going to do now?   
Why did he keep doing this? Why couldn’t he have just talked to Harvey? He could have just told him how he felt. Now Harvey had said all these things to him, that Mike wished he never heard. He wouldn’t forget them now. Things had been fine the day before and now they weren’t anymore.

He didn't know what was going on with him. Why he was acting this way, why he was destroying everything all the time. He laid down on the bed and tried not to cry. It actually worked, and he just laid there and waited with his back against the door. Hopefully Donna would come soon. She had said that she would today. Maybe he could just text her and ask. 

She replied that she would be there soon. An hour or so later he could hear her ring the doorbell. It was good that she was here, maybe she could meddle a bit between him and Harvey. They needed that. Mike stood up from the bed and made his way out the door towards the other two. However he stopped out of sight from them as he heard Harvey talking. He must have been asking Donna what she did there so early, because she answered that she had answered Mike’s text. 

“Yeah, so he whined to you then? And I guess you are here to roam me out again?”

“What are you talking about Harvey? I’m here because I said I would be here today. What’s going on? What did you do now?” 

“Why do you assume that I did something?” 

Donna didn’t answer now and he heard Harvey huff. “He thinks that he is getting away with anything just because he is sick. And I’m supposed to just let him?”

“What happened here? I thought you were fine again.”

“Yes, we were but that was yesterday until Mike decided to start giving me shit about working.” 

“Harvey.” 

“No Donna, I’m sick of it.” Mike felt his heart sink down into his stomach. He felt cold. Harvey was sick of him. He didn’t want to hear another word. He went back into Harvey’s office and shut the door quietly behind him. He then buried himself under a blanket and brought a pillow over his head to cancel out any noise. 

He felt numb. Once again he didn’t know what he should do, so he did nothing. He just stayed where he was. He wanted it to end. He didn’t want to feel like this. He didn’t want to be a burden to Harvey. But he was. Harvey thought so. Harvey was sick of him. Harvey didn’t want him around. What had changed? Sure he knew he was causing Harvey a lot of disruptions in his life, but he had thought that Harvey was fine with it. 

The worst thing was that he really needed Harvey. Because Mike couldn’t do this alone. It was too hard. He had thought before, in the beginning of his diagnoses that he would be able to handle it, but now he just couldn’t. He wasn’t himself anymore, and this new person he had become was all messed up. 

There was a soft knock on his door, and it opened. He didn’t respond. He couldn’t. 

“Mike? Are you awake?” It was Donna of course. He didn’t move. “I know you are. Is everything okay?”

He didn’t answer her, but felt his eyes starting to water. He wanted her to help him, he wanted her to make everything okay again. 

“Sweetie?” That word. She was so nice to him all the time. It made him start to cry. Of course he did, it was like it was his solution for everything now a days. He tried to not make any sounds though. But she noticed. Of course she did, because she sat down on his bed and crawled up so that she was close to him. He didn’t move as she began to stroke his back, without saying anything else. And Mike didn’t stop. He just didn’t want her to go and leave him there. He just thought that if he kept it up she wouldn’t leave. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed when she spoke again. 

“Mike, honey. Do you want to tell me why you are upset?” 

He shook his head. 

“Okay.” She said quietly, but continued to stroke him. “Are you in pain?” She asked next. He nodded now, because he was. He had been the entire day. “Where?”

“I have a headache.” He answered. “And my chest hurts.” 

“Is it bad?” She asked and he nodded.

“I’ll be right back then.” And then she was gone. Mike felt an irrational panic surge through him, and he had to bite his tongue to not scream for her to come back. But she did a few moments later. 

“Can you sit up for me a bit?” He wasn’t even sure that he had the energy for it. He managed to turn on his back and stared up into the ceiling as he drew deep breaths. “You know what, let’s just do this, shall we.” She pushed the button on the bed and he was lifted up in a sitting position. Donna fluffed the pillows for him and arranged them to be straight behind his head. He still hadn’t met her eyes. 

“Here.” She helped him take a few pills and to drink some orange juice. 

“Thank you Donna.” 

“You are welcome Mike.” 

They were quiet for a while. 

“Did you and Harvey have a fight?” She asked then. And Mike just nodded. 

“What should I do?” He asked. “Just tell me what to do. I keep screwing it up.” 

“Harvey said you yelled at him.” 

“I did.” 

Donna was silent. 

“I don't know why. It felt good at the moment. I wish I hadn't, now though.” 

“I'm going to go and get Harvey so we can talk. Okay?” 

“Will you be here too?” 

“Do you want me to?”

Mike couldn't look at her when he answered her yes. But she came up to him and actually kissed him on the cheek. When he looked up at her in surprise she smiled at him and took the opportunity to wipe his face. 

Harvey sat down in front of him and Donna took a seat on the edge of his bed. No one spoke. That was until Donna sighed loudly at them. 

“What is the problem for the both of you? Really? Let me just handle this.” She shook her head at them. 

“Harvey, Mike is sorry and upset for what happened. He was sick and in pain, which is a legitimate reason for saying things that you don't mean. Mike, Harvey is tired and under a lot of stress to finish work for a deadline tomorrow. He is sorry too. He said things he shouldn't as well.”   
She looked expectantly at them.

“That was a perfectly good start. You continue! Harvey.” 

“Yes, fine. Thank you Donna. I am sorry Mike. It's just that you were driving me nuts.” Harvey was smiling now at him and he didn't know why. That wasn't funny. 

“Sorry.” He said and looked away. He felt his eyes water again and wished he could disappear. 

“Hey. Kid?” Harvey said kindly. “I am sorry. I didn't know you were in pain.” 

“Like you said, it's not an excuse.” 

“Well…” Harvey paused. “Does still hurt?” 

Mike hesitated but then nodded. It did. It was starting to lessen, but the pressure over his chest was still there. He glanced at Harvey but he was looking out the window. He sighed and Mike waited. 

“You know that work isn't all that matters Mike.” 

“Oh for gods’ sakes…” Donna muttered. But Harvey just ignored her after glaring at her a bit. 

“I know. I don't know why I said that Harvey.” 

“It’s okay.”

It was Mike’s turn to hesitate again. What was Harvey doing now? Mike clearly heard him before, and now he was sitting here, lying to his face that it was okay. When the truth was that he really was just sick of Mike. 

“I don’t want to talk anymore.” He said and did his best to look away from them. He suddenly felt vulnerable and wished that he was standing up. He noticed that Harvey and Donna looked at each other. 

“Okay, we will let you get some rest then.” Donna said and stood up. Shortly after Harvey did the same. “Call if you need anything.” He added before he left the room.   
Mike was just laying there now. He still didn’t know what to do. Harvey was sick of him. He knew that he needed to do something about that. He would have to stop bothering Harvey so much. So what if he felt like crap, he would have to deal with it. He could do that right?

For two days that plan worked to some extent.

Mike felt like shit. This was the worst he had ever felt. Or it probably wasn’t, but it was what it felt like. It was his own fault of course. He was doing it again. The whole not talking thing. He knew that. But Harvey had said that he was sick of him, so this was what he was going to do. He mostly stayed in his room in bed. What else should he do? He tried to sleep as much as he could. He didn’t have the will or energy to get up. He felt numb. Uneasy. Exhausted. He also didn’t want to face Harvey. How had it come to this? It felt like things were just repeating themselves. He wondered if Harvey thought so too. He wondered if Harvey even noticed something. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had gone to work for half days two days in a row now. Mike hadn’t objected, and Donna stayed with him anyway. However, he knew that something was up with Mike. Again. He was acting strange. He spent a lot of time in his room. He didn’t speak much. At Harvey’s questions he always answered that he was fine. Harvey came with him to the hospital and it went well. At least Mike didn’t freak out or something. But Mike didn’t really speak to him anymore. He was never smiling. He didn’t watch TV, just silently laid on the couch staring out the window, or fiddled with his phone. 

Something that stuck with Harvey was that he found Mike laying on his bed and staring at a framed photo on the nightstand. Mike was looking at it so intently that we didn’t notice that Harvey were observing him. Later when he came to check on the kid Mike was asleep, and Harvey took the opportunity to see what photograph Mike had been looking at. It was on of Mike and his grandmother. It was heartbreaking actually. Harvey knew then that he had to do something. 

He confronted Mike the next day. He had decided beforehand that he was going to go to the bottom of this before things spiraled out of hand. However it didn’t really work. Mike was deflecting and kept insisting that he was fine. Even though he looked like he was on the verge of tears. Harvey just didn’t have the heart to push him further. He would have to try something else. He talked to Donna about it as well, and she kept telling him to talk to Mike. 

“Something is obviously wrong Harvey.” 

“Yes I know that Donna. I just don’t know what changed for him to act like this.”

“You have to talk to him, I have said that before.”

“Yes, you have and I have talked to him. I honestly don’t get him. We have been through this a bunch of time now, but it’s like he doesn’t trust me at all. I think he only comes when he is truly desperate.”

“But he can’t possibly be fine now. Everything that happened here at the office is still fresh for him.” 

“I know that.” Harvey sighed. “I’ll try again with him.” 

“How are you feeling by the way? To be back here?” Donna asked.

“It’s fine Donna.”

She looked like she didn’t believe him, but let it go. Truth was that Harvey hadn’t even passed the conference room where everything took place. He had chosen another path when he had business nearby that room. Not that he ever would confess that to anyone. He preferred to just leave it behind him at the moment. He had more pressing matters to attend to. Like the reason of Mike’s latest behavior. 

Before Mike would seek out his company, not wanting to be alone. Harvey couldn’t understand the sudden change. However Mike seemed to be miserable and on edge. Last night he had been close to a breakdown because Harvey had been insisting on him to eat everything on his plate. Harvey had been the one to stand down. You had to pick your fights, and that one he let Mike have. No, he would have to try something else. 

Mike was laying on his bed when Harvey got home, staring up into the ceiling with a blank expression. He just nodded a bit when Harvey greeted him and then went back to ceiling-staring. Harvey changed clothes and then popped his head into the doorway to Mike’s room. 

“Do you want to come and, hang out in the living room? Watch a movie maybe?” He asked. Mike looked at him for a long time, but nodded. 

Harvey went to sit on the couch and waited for Mike. It took a couple of minutes before he emerged and slowly made his way to the couch and sat down next to Harvey. He looked terrible. 

“You doing okay there, Mike?” 

Mike didn’t reply with words, just shrugged his shoulders a bit.

“Did you take your meds?”

A nod. 

“What do you want to watch?” 

Another shrug.

“No preferences?” 

A head shake and Harvey had to force his frustration away. 

“Fine. I’ll pick. But don’t you complain later. You missed your change.” 

They had been watching in silence for about twenty minutes before Harvey decided to make his move. Mike was focused on the screen, but it looked like his mind where somewhere else. 

“Do you want to lay down? You don’t look so well kid.” Mike didn’t look at him, just shook his head once. Harvey kind of wanted to yell at him and ask what the hell was with him, but didn’t. 

“It’s okay Mike.” Harvey paused the movie and arranged a pillow over his lap. He was doing this. “Just lay down will you.” He patted the pillow a bit. Mike met his eyes for a few seconds, and Harvey realized it was the first time in days. He looked worried but Harvey nodded against the pillow in his lap. 

“Okay.” Mike whispered then, his lower lip twitching. He then carefully sank down on the edge of the pillow that rested against Harvey’s leg. Harvey arranged a blanket over him and started the movie again. He could feel just how tense Mike was. 

“It’s fine.” Harvey told him, and put his hand on Mike’s shoulder and started to stroke it. Mike’s body was twitching ever so slightly underneath his hand. It took Harvey almost a minute to realize that Mike was in fact crying. He was still quiet and tense. Harvey couldn’t help but sigh. 

“Will you just tell me what’s wrong? Why are you acting like this? I thought we were past this.”   
Mike was quiet for so long that Harvey didn’t think that Mike was going to respond. But then he did. 

“It’s nothing.” Was all he said feeding Harvey’s frustration. 

“We have talked about this time and time again, last time was just a few days ago Mike. I know something is up and I’m getting frustrated. I know you are hurting, can you for god sakes just tell me what it is.”

“I don’t know what it is that you want from me Harvey. I thought that you would be happy.”

“Happy about what? What is it that I possible could be happy about in this situation?”

“If I stayed out of your way!” 

“What makes you think that all of a sudden?” Harvey had no idea what Mike was talking about or where this was coming from.

“You said that you were sick of me.” Mike said then. “I was just trying to make it easier on you.”

“What? When did I ever said that? I never said that.”

“Yes you did. I heard you complaining about me to Donna.” 

Harvey paused. Then it hit him. Shit, he hadn’t known that Mike had heard that. No wonder the kid had avoided him, he knew that Mike had some sort of problem with these kind of things. He was hesitant to ask for Harvey’s help and had been the entire time. Something with pride, or not wanting to be a bother. But Mike couldn’t handle this alone and really needed the help. Harvey had thought that they had made some progress, but he had apparently been wrong. He had unknowingly screwed it up. 

“I didn’t say that Mike. Or I might have done that, but I didn’t mean it like you think I meant it.”

“Then what? Because I don’t know.” Mike said, still in the same position as before, facing the TV. At least he wasn’t crying anymore. 

“I’m not sick of you.” Harvey said forcefully. “I guess I’m just sick of the situation, seeing you like this.”

“I can’t help it!” Mike exclaimed.

“I know, I know that. And that’s what I’m sick of kid.” Harvey kindly told him. “Seeing you feeling like this. I just want you to get better.”

“Yeah?” 

“Of course, you idiot. You need to stop reading in to things so much, and start trusting that I’m right here.”   
Mike didn’t say anything, but Harvey noticed that his body wasn’t as tense anymore. 

“I might get frustrated sometimes, but I still got your back. Do you get that?”

“Yes, Harvey.” Mike breathed. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry you heard me say that.”

“Yeah. I wish I hadn’t.” 

“So, can we be done with all of this now? Can you just talk to me?”

“I think so.”

“No, you need to know so.”

“It’s just hard sometimes.”

“I get that things are hard, but I’m here to help you make them easier, okay?”

“Okay.” Mike had his eyes closed now. “Thank you.” He said after a moment, then he fell asleep. Harvey’s heart felt a bit lighter after that. 

– SUITS –

Mike woke up from Harvey twisting below him. He was actually sleeping at Harvey’s lap! That was a first. A whole new experience, a nice one. He felt better now. Harvey wasn’t sick of him after all, how could he be if he asked Mike to lay down in his lap? He wasn’t. Mike had been stupid. He should have just confronted Harvey from the beginning. It would have spared him a few miserable days. He had been too much of a coward to do that though. He had been stupid thinking that he could just brave it out as well, truth was that he needed Harvey. He needed him a lot.

Harvey offered to stay in his room until he fell asleep that night and Mike accepted it. But Harvey didn’t let him go to sleep without another serious talk. 

“I know when there is something you are not telling me, you know. You have such a bad poker face.” Harvey was saying and Mike protested. 

“I’m serious though, I know when something is wrong. I just wished you would talk to me then.”

“If you know, why don’t you ask?!” Mike felt himself getting upset. But Harvey surprised him. 

“I don’t know Mike.” He said honestly. “I’m not saying it’s all on you. But we both need to make a greater effort.” 

“Yeah, okay.” 

“We have been having this problem for a while now. You know it and I know it. I think it time we stop.” 

Harvey saying it out loud was pretty great and Mike agreed with him. When they got quiet for a while Mike spoke up. 

“I’m not really in a good head space at the moment Harvey.” He said meeting Harvey’s eyes. The other man just watched him and waited for him to continue. “I mostly feel like shit, and I don’t know how to deal with that.”

Harvey nodded thoughtfully. “I’m sorry to hear that Mike.” He said. “It will be better though. I’m sure it’s just temporary. A lot of shitty things has happened recently after all. When things cool down you will feel better.” 

It was Mike’s turn to nod now. He just hoped that Harvey was right. He was just so tired of it all. He let out a deep sigh. 

“So does this mean that we are good?” 

“Yeah I think it does. You want to sleep now or what?” 

Mike just rolled his eyes at him, and laid down. Harvey didn’t move from his spot on the office chair. For the first time in a few days now he actually felt okay, if not good. He was just laying there looking at Harvey who sat there next to him. Mike knew that he wasn’t going to go anywhere until he fell asleep. That felt good, he felt safe. When he met Harvey’s eyes the other man smiled a little at him. 

He fell asleep sometime after that, and slept the whole night without any interruptions. Harvey woke him up the next day complaining that he slept way too long, and that he suspected that Mike was using his cancer as a way of getting to sleep in. Mike just asked if breakfast was ready and Harvey just rolled his eyes and left the room. 

The next two following days were great actually. At least they didn’t suck, and he felt pretty okay. He only had one hospital appointment and Harvey went with him. He didn’t get any treatment, but did a bunch of test and drew blood. He also got to speak to Dr. Lundin, and got his medication a bit adjusted. It was suggested that Mike would speak to a therapist, but he declined. At least for the moment. 

Harvey had stayed home with him all these days. It was pretty amazing. He had a hard time believing it, even though it wasn’t really fair to Harvey to doubt him. Not anymore. If anything Harvey’s actions really proved that he was on Mike’s side, and that he had his back in all of this. Mike was just so grateful, he almost got tears in his eyes when he thought about it, because his emotions really couldn’t be trusted at all. 

Two good days was all he got. At least it was something, but he guessed that he shouldn’t be surprised. After all he had heart cancer, you don’t get that many good days with heart cancer. 

The third day he started the morning by feeling a bit off. He was unusually tired and felt sweaty and a little dizzy. It didn’t get better when he sat up, no surprise there. He managed to get out into the living room without any problems though. Harvey was already there and nodded at him. Mike had a toast and his pills neatly lined up on the counter. 

“Donna is going to come over today, I have to head into the office.” Harvey announced as a way of greeting him. 

“Yeah, okay.” 

“Are you good with that?”

“Yes, I am. It’s fine, you can go.” It was fine, as long as he didn’t have to be alone there, and Donna would be nice company. She arrived about thirty minutes later. Mike listened as she and Harvey spoke for some time before his boss left. 

Donna insisted that they would play some card games, and he agreed, it wasn’t like he had much choice anyway. The two of them had a nice day. After lunch Mike started to feel worse though. It felt like he had a fever, so Donna put him on the couch under a blanket. He slept about three hours. Harvey came a while later and Donna left. Mike slept some more. He didn’t feel good. Dizzy and uncomfortably warm, even though it didn’t feel like he had a fever. He told Harvey that, and was told he should just rest. 

He went to sleep again. However he woke up just a few minutes later, he knew because he had looked at his phone before he fell asleep. As soon as he woke up he knew that something was wrong with him. It was serious. He needed the bathroom, he needed to cool down and also take some pills. His chest was hurting like crazy. He wasn’t even sure that he would be able to walk there by himself. 

“Harvey?” He called out. Everything felt kind of fuzzy. What was going on? This couldn’t be right. He needed to find Harvey.

Slowly he sat up in bed and pushed the cover aside. His chest felt tight with the pain. It was a new kind of pain that he hadn’t felt before. He needed to do something about it. He managed to get on his feet and stumbled out into the living room. It was empty. 

“Harvey?” He called again. Where was he? This was something Mike needed to tell him about. He was supporting himself against the wall with his good hand as he looked around the room for Harvey. He wasn’t there! What the hell? 

It was painful to draw breaths, or to move his chest at all, but he needed to breath. He put his casted hand against his chest in an attempt to relieve some of the pain, but it didn’t do much. Oh god, he needed to take something. This needed to go away now. He made it to the bathroom as fast as he could, his legs where shaking in a weird way but he still made it. He had to lean against the door when he got there though, he really was in trouble. What was happening to him? He could barely think. He moaned in pain as he tried to heave himself away from the door. He vaguely realized that he wasn’t going to make it over to his pill bottle. He could see it as a blurry with thing by the sink. He didn’t really know how he ended up on the floor, suddenly he was just laying there with his face now throbbing face pressed against the floor. Then he blacked out.

– SUITS –

They didn’t have anything for breakfast for tomorrow. That was a problem that he needed to fix. Harvey had planned on buy something before he got home, but it had somehow slipped his mind.

“Mike?” He called out to see if the kid would answer. Nothing. Harvey made his way over to his room and pushed the door wider open and peaked inside. Mike was outstretched on his back below his cover sleeping soundly. Surely he would be fine for the twenty minutes it would take Harvey to run down to the closets grocery store and come back. He still wrote the kid a note, that said where he was and for Mike to call him when he woke up. It would be the first time he left Mike alone since that day at the office. 

He returned half an hour later with a loaf of bread and some juice and yoghurt. As he locked the door behind him he paused. Harvey didn't know how he knew it, but he just had a feeling that he couldn't really explain that something was wrong. Really wrong. 

Mike. Where was he? He called out for the kid but of didn't get a response. He found himself almost running towards Mike’s room. He threw the door open and stepped inside and was met with…nothing. Mike wasn't there. Harvey’s heart was hammering in his chest because where the hell was he? When he left earlier Mike had been there and he had been fine, sleeping but fine. Now he wasn't in his bed! 

Of course something would happen during the half hour he was gone. What was that about? He dialed Mike's number and jerked in surprise as the device sounded right next to him on the night stand where he had left it on the note to Mike. This was bad, this was so bad. He had to find him. Maybe the bathroom!   
He hurried over and notice that he door was closed and the sight that met him when he opened it was terrifying. Mike was laying in a heap on the floor in front of the toilet. Harvey was next to him and turned him on his back in what felt like one a second. 

Mike was barely breathing! Shit, shit, shit! Harvey franticly felt around in his pockets until he found his phone and dialed 911 with shaking hands. He tried to get some reaction from Mike as he waited for someone to pick up, but didn't get one. 

“Mike, come one, wake up kid!” He shook him with what probably was too much force but he just wanted Mike to wake the hell up and not look like this anymore, almost lifeless. His face was all grey except for a small tendril of blood that had been running down from his mouth. The breaths he drew was quiet and raspy like something in Mike's throat was obstructing the air to come out right. Harvey maneuvered him into a rescue position as someone finally picked up. He practically yelled in the phone and told them that he needed help five minutes ago. He was told to remain calm and monitor Mike's breathing until help arrived in a few minutes.  
It was a long few minutes and Harvey couldn't help feeling utterly alone where he sat on the floor next to Mike. His mind was almost blank. He wouldn't let himself think too much about what was happening. Then the paramedics were there then and Harvey reluctantly left Mike and practically ran to let them in. Things happened quickly after that. Mike was off the floor and safely strapped down on a gurney in the ambulance in what seemed like a blink of an eye. Harvey found himself sitting at the back of the ambulance watching as the paramedic who remained in the back worked on Mike with urgency as the other drove with the sirens blazing. Harvey had had to yell at them to be able to come, and probably they just thoughts that it was faster to let him come. Now they ignored him which was fine by him. Mike hasn't woken up so Harvey settled with just silently watching. They arrived a moment later and people were waiting for them, they crowded Mike so that Harvey couldn't see him anymore.

“What's going on? How is he?” He asked.

“You can't be here right now, you need to step aside.” A firm nurse told him and put a hand on his chest to prevent him from stepping closer to Mike. Harvey did not let her.

“No, just tell me what's going on with him. Tell me now!” He demanded. 

“Sir I'm not telling you again. We are trying to help your friend right now. Please let us do so.”

Mike was being wheeled away by now, the nurse was still standing in his way. He just wanted to go after, but he had heard what the nurse had told him. 

“He doesn't like to be alone. I need to be there.” He tried. 

Her hand then moved to rest on the side of his arm. “He won't be alone, he has a lot of people who is taking care of him right now. You will get to see him as soon as possible. But for now you need to wait.”

Harvey accepted that. So wait he did. It wasn't much else he could do. After some consideration he placed a call to Donna. 

“Oh no. Mike…” She said. “I'll be there soon Harvey. Don't worry, he will be fine.”

He didn't have the energy or the will to say anything against that. He was scared for Mike. The way he had looked has scared him. What if it was it this time? No, he couldn't think like that. Donna was right, Mike would be fine. This was just on other thing that they had to go through. 

Donna arrived half an hour later and they wanted two hours more before they got any news about Mike. By then Harvey was exhausted. He just closed his eyes in relief when they told them that Mike was doing okay for now. They didn't know why he hand collapsed and been unresponsive, but as it was now they had him on multiple drugs and assured Harvey and Donna that he was resting comfortably and that he was closely monitored. They got to sit with him after that. The room Mike was in was quiet except for the sounds of the machines that was connected to Mike. Harvey didn't say anything just sat down on a chair again to wait. He figured that's he had gotten pretty good at waiting by now.

Donna stroke Mike's cheek as she sat down on his other side. 

“Oh my god. He is so cold.” She whispered and Harvey saw how tears gathered in her eyes. “I'm getting him another blanket.” She stood up and left leaving Harvey alone with Mike. 

“See what you did now kid. You made Donna upset.” He quietly told Mike. He got no reaction. 

Mike didn't wake up until seven hours later. Donna had long left but Harvey refused even though Mike's nurse assured him they would take care of him as soon as he woke. But Harvey couldn't do that to Mike, so he waited. He caught a few restless minutes at the time of sleep making his neck stiff from his position, but somehow he wasn't asleep when Mike woke. He didn't make any sounds when he woke it was just his eyelids that fluttered before he slowly opened his eyes half way. 

“Hi Mike... Good to see you awake.” Harvey said and watched as Mike struggled to keep his eyes open. He manages and his eyes wandered to his right towards Harvey. 

“Yeah, that's right. You keep them open. Do you have any idea how long I have waited for you to wake up?”

Mike didn't reply, just kept trying to focus his eyes on Harvey. Harvey pursed his lips and patted Mike a bit on his shoulder. “You are going to be fine.” And then Mike's eyes closed again. 

He wasn't much better the next time he woke. His eyes didn't open more than halfway and Harvey wasn't sure Mike knew that he was there so he spoke to him to let him know he was. Mike seemed to lay there and listen and as time passed he became a bit more coherent.

Harvey asked him carefully what had happened, but didn't except Mike to reply and was surprised when he did. 

“It was hurting…” He whispered so quietly that Harvey leaned forward to hear him. 

“I cou…I couldn't…” He paused for such a long time that Harvey thought he wasn't going to continue, but he did. “I couldn't find…you. Sorry.” He whispered. 

“No Mike, no. I'm sorry too. I…you were sleeping when I left. I thought you would stay that way.” 

“I couldn't find you.” Mike slurred again. Getting Harvey to understand that Mike wasn't as coherent as he had thought. 

“Yeah, it's okay now though. I found you Mike.”

“I looked…I did.”

“I know you did.” 

“I was going to tell you…” He slurred.

“I know, that’s good Mike.”

“I…I… Where are…we?” Mike continued.

“We are at the hospital.” Harvey calmly told him. “Why don't you go back to sleep?” 

Mike's eyes fluttered around the room a bit again before he closed them and was asleep yet again. 

Poor kid. Mike must have been in a great deal of pain and went to look for Harvey, only to not find him and collapsing in the bathroom. Harvey almost couldn't remember what had been so important so that he had thought that it was a good idea to leave Mike alone in the apartment. Mike had been alone and probably scared again. It had happened the few minutes when Harvey had left Mike alone. It was almost like some cruel joke that was being played on them. Shit.

– SUITS –


	36. Chapter 36

They hadn’t gotten any information on what was going on with Mike. Harvey had been patiently waiting together with Donna while all Mike was doing was sleeping. That was a good thing though, the kid was exhausted. He had been a wake a few times by now, but only for a few minutes at the time. He wasn’t coherent when he woke up either, he would ask what had happened, where they were and then just pass out again. 

Mike was connected to a hear monitor that for now was the only sound in the room. Donna was sitting next to Harvey on one of those uncomfortable chairs that they had at the hospital. The staff had been nice enough to get them another chair, so that they both could sit. Donna looked almost as tired as Mike. She wasn’t wearing any make up, but still looked nice. He had suggested that she would go home, but she had refused. 

“Not with him like this.” She said. “He is going to need the both of us.” 

She was probably right. Donna hadn’t mentioned anything about the fact that Mike had been alone when this happened. He had expected her to but was glad that she didn’t. He already felt guilty enough as it was. Not that he could have known what was going to happen.   
Mike woke up and was a bit more coherent the next morning. He had his eyes open but wasn’t really moving at all. He barely turned his head towards them when they spoke to him. 

“I’m really tired.” He told them quietly when they asked how he was doing. “What happened?”

Harvey explained it to him for the fifth time, and hoped that Mike would just remember this time. 

“It’s okay Harvey.” He said as his eyelids unintentionally slipped close again. “You couldn’t have known.” He forced his eyes opened again and locked eyes with Harvey. “You’re blaming yourself, right?”

“No I’m not.” Harvey stated firmly. But Mike’s eyes just wondered over to Donna.

“Tell him.” He said as his eyes closed again.

“Mike is right. You couldn’t have known.” Donna said and smiled a little. Harvey just rolled his eyes at them.

“Well, this idiot is of course choosing the worst possible moment to collapse. Of course it isn’t my fault.” 

Mike just smiled with closed eyes. They continued the banter for a while until Mike suddenly stopped answering.

“Seriously, did you fall asleep? In the middle of our conversation?” 

“Looks like he did.” Donna said. ”At least he seems a bit better.” 

“Yeah. Now it would be great to get to know what the hell happened so we can avoid it in the future. How long can a couple of tests take?”

It turned out it took two more hours, before a doctor came in and explained that Mike had most likely collapsed due to the immense pain he had been in. His body hadn’t been able to handle it and had just shut down. They were told to be more careful and Mike was prescribed one more pill to take each night before bed. 

Mike just groaned and said that soon he wouldn’t need to eat anything because the pills would be so many that they would be equivalent to his meals. The doctor didn’t think it was funny and spoke for five minutes about the importance of nutritious food. 

They were also told that Mike’s values were good enough for him to go back home, if he so wished. Of course Mike wanted to go. There were just one problem and that was that Mike was totally exhausted, not just in mind but his body as well. It was like it had been drained of all energy, because the kid could barely sit up by himself. 

“How are you planning to get home if I have to hold on to you to stop you from ending up on the floor?” Harvey questioned. 

“What? I have you. Right?” Mike said and blinked stupidly at him, causing Harvey to just roll his eyes again. 

“Fine.” 

“See you back here in a few days Mike. We need to go through the results of the latest test. The last one will be here by then.”

“Okay. Thanks.” Mike muttered and they were free to go. After Mike had taken another nap. He fell asleep again by the time it took Donna to get a nurse to get a wheelchair for him.

“No, just let him sleep.” Donna said as Harvey went to wake Mike up when she returned with the chair.

“Sure… He gets to sleep how much he wants, while I’m stuck on this chair.” Harvey muttered. He was tired and hungry and couldn’t wait to get home already and get some proper sleep himself. 

“No, come on. I can walk.” Mike complained when it was time for them to leave. 

“No, you can’t. Just get in it.” Harvey ordered him and looked at him until Mike huffed and moved on the bed to sit closer to the chair. He actually looked a little frightened and Harvey stepped closer to him. Just in case. It turned out it was a good move, because as soon as Mike stood up his knees buckled beneath him, and Harvey had to grab him and practically shove him down on the chair. 

“Yeah, excellent walking.” He panted, he hadn’t really been prepared and had almost dropped Mike to the floor. 

“Whatever.” 

They got Mike into the car without any problems, and Mike fell asleep about a minute later. 

“How can he still be tired?” Harvey asked as he buckled himself in. 

“He is sick.” Donna shrugged her shoulders. ”Will you two be okay for tonight, or do you need me to come with you?” she asked. 

“No it’s fine. I got it. We will drop you off on the way.” 

”Are you sure you don’t need help getting him inside?”

“Ray can help me.” Harvey smiled. ”We’ll manage Donna. Thank you.” 

Harvey shook Mike away when they had parked outside Harvey’s apartment building. Mike groggily looked up at him and then stretched out his hand. Harvey wordlessly took it and heaved the kid up, and then hurried to get himself under Mike’s arm. Ray came over and took Mike’s other side and together they started walking towards the door. Mike helped as much as he could. He stumbled once and would have fallen if it wasn’t for Harvey and Ray. 

The walk up to the apartment made him so fatigued that he refused Harvey’s attempts to get him under the covers. 

“Later.” He mumbled and was asleep yet again. Harvey just shook his head, threw a blanket over the man and let him sleep. He made some coffee for Ray as a way of thanking him, and then fell asleep himself on the couch. He woke up a few hours later with a stiff back, woke Mike and forced him to eat and take his meds. He reluctantly brought the food to Mike’s room and let him eat in bed, as Harvey sat down by the desk. 

“Hey! Don’t fall asleep while eating.” He told Mike. ”How can you still be tired?” 

“I don’t know.” Mike groaned. ”It feels like I haven’t slept in days.”

“Strange, because that’s all you have been doing for days.”

“Yeah. It feels like I can continue for like two more weeks.” He looked at Harvey and then down at his hand holding his fork. “You know,” He said. “Just lifting my hand to my mouth feels like I have weights tide to my wrist or something.” 

“I guess rest is a good idea then.” 

“I guess.”

They ate in silence for a while before Mike spoke again. “How are you? Harvey.”

Harvey raised his eyebrows at him, studying him. He let out a sigh. “I’m tired too Mike.” 

“Yeah.” He nodded a little. ”I guess you didn’t get much sleep at the hospital, huh?”

“Not as much as you, that’s for sure.” 

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Mike said. 

”Yeah you should be.” Harvey said kindly, and Mike laughed a bit.

“Thank you.” He said and fell asleep with his fork still in his hand. Harvey shook his head, finished his own meal and removed Mike’s from his lap. He stood there for a while watching the kid sleep, at least until he somehow got Mike’s voice inside his head telling him he was creepy, watching him sleep like that. Mike seemed to be a bit more stable emotionally at the moment at least which was good. Maybe he was just too tired to feel something. Mike’s emotional state worried him, and he had a hard time understanding it, if he was honest with himself. Sure Mike was in a really tough spot with the cancer and the prospect of not surviving in, but Harvey didn’t fully understand what Mike was so afraid of sometimes. But it pained him to witness it and to not being able to take it away in the way he wanted. 

– SUITS –

It was weird to be this tired. How much could a person sleep, really? Maybe his body had decided to go for some sort of world record. The upside to it though, was that he didn’t have any nightmares. Maybe he was just too tired to have them. Either way, it was good, but now he kind of wished that he would woke up and feel well rested instead of waking up and being just as tired as before. It was the weekend now so it didn’t really matter that much if he slept or not.

Harvey spent some time with him in his room during his more lucid states and updated him on the case he was working on. It sounded pretty interesting actually. 

“If you feel up for it on Monday, you can come and help with it.” Harvey offered. 

“Yeah, that be nice.” Mike agreed. Hopefully he would be better by then. Not so tired. 

After sleeping practically the whole weekend he actually felt better by Monday. He and Harvey talked about it for a while and they agreed that Mike could come to the office. At least for a trial basis, as Harvey put it. 

“If you start to feel bad I’m taking you home.” He threatened. “You know that Donna is not going to like this, right?”

“I can handle her.” Mike assured him, Harvey looked skeptical but didn’t say anything else. 

Mike was tired and a bit breathless, but he was pretty sure that he would be able to handle a day at the office. It wasn’t like he was going to do anything else then sit around there, just as he did here at home. He hadn’t been at the office in what felt as forever and it would be nice to change the scenery. 

Although, the last time he had been to the office he had been shot. He still had the cast on of course, which served as a daily reminder of what happened. But the shooting had brought on something else as well. Every single person at the office now knew that he had cancer. Even though not all of them had been present during the event Mike was pretty sure that those who were there had told everyone else. He was a bit nervous about going back because of that. After all he had made a complete fool of himself, crying and screaming and what not. It had been justified, but still. He imagined that if he would run in to some of the other associates awkward moments might arise. He did not want that. He had talked the whole thing over with Harvey and his advice had been to not give a damn about it. Harvey said that the other associates didn’t have a clue, and didn’t have anything to do with anything anyway. Besides Mike was only going to be working in Harvey’s office, and no one had any business there. 

When they passed in the corridor on their way to Harvey’s office Mike could still feel their eyes on him. It felt like everyone was looking. He wondered what they were thinking. Were they thinking about when he was shot, or were they thinking about the fact that he had cancer? He didn’t look at anyone and tried to not be bothered by their looks. Harvey didn’t notice anything at all, at least he didn’t comment about it.

Donna did not look happy when she saw them. She came straight up to Mike and blocked his way.

“What are you doing here?”

“I work here Donna.”

“Don’t even try. You shouldn’t be here Mike, you were in the hospital three days ago!”

“Yeah, but I’m better now. I’m just going to sit around anyway, I might as well do it here.”

“No, no no. You would be resting in your bed at home, not working at an office, Mike.”

“Donna, leave him alone. If he gets worse I’ll take him home again. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

Donna’s eyes narrowed and Mike took a few steps back. “You made her mad.” He whispered to Harvey, who just whispered back to him to get into the office. Mike smiled and fled. Donna closed to door behind him with more force than necessary. He watched them talking through the glass, Harvey tried to defend himself but Donna wouldn’t let him finish. 

Harvey came inside a minute later. “If you so much as cough, we are going home and staying there until the end of time.” He muttered. 

“I heard that.” Donna said through the intercom and Mike couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Harvey smiled widely at him and sat down by his desk and opened up his laptop. 

“Do you want to read through these? Make sure it’s in order?” Harvey held up a bunch of papers. Mike knew right away what he was doing. Basically Harvey just gave him meaningless work. Of course they were in order. However, he accepted them anyway. If this was what Harvey thought that he should do, then he would do it.   
They had only been working for about twenty minutes when Jessica stopped by. She seemed a bit surprised to see Mike but greeted him anyway with a smile. She asked how he was doing and told him to his surprise that it was good to see him. He was too dumbfounded to respond much, so Harvey took over. 

She sat down and went through some cases with Harvey after that for about an hour. Apparently they had been Harvey’s but now Jessica was dealing with them. Mike suspected it was because of him. 

Donna came into the office a little before lunch and sat down in front of him where he was on the couch. She wanted to know how he was feeling and he assured her that he was fine. 

“No, Mike. I meant being back here. Since…”

Mike squirmed a bit. He didn’t feel like talking about it all that much. “I don’t know.” He said, realizing that she wouldn’t let it go until he did. “They are in prison now right, they can’t do anything, so…” He trailed off.

“Of course, but Mike what you have been through, it was traumatic and maybe you will feel better if you just talked about it.”

“Donna, I rather not. I’m never going to forget it anyways, I rather not think about it at all.” 

Donna seemed to consider this for a while. She probably didn’t want to let it go at all, but decided to let him off the hook anyway. She nodded and stood up again. “Okay. But if you ever want to talk, both I and Harvey will listen. I’m getting you some lunch.” 

– SUITS –

They had been working for a few hours now. Donna had left them alone after they had lunch. She wasn’t at her desk now though. She probably wouldn’t like what she saw at the moment. Mike didn’t look so go anymore. Mike had been okay up until lunch, but after they had eaten he seemed to falter. He wasn’t smiling anymore. He had before. 

Harvey had to go through some bylaws that exceeded 130 pages. He had decided to give Mike some of the files that went along with the case and Mike had happily accepted them. Earlier he had gone on about how much he had missed to do some work, however he had been quiet for some time now. Harvey became engrossed in his own for some time, but then looked up to check the kid and what he saw made him get up from his desk. Mike was sitting on his couch, hunched down with his head buried in his hands, the files discarded on the table. His whole body was shaking, though he didn’t make any sounds. 

“Shit.” Harvey whispered to himself as he got up and went over to sit down next to Mike. He put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey Mike, you okay?” Stupid question really, because tension radiated of the kid.

Mike surprised him by basically falling into him as soon as he sat down. Harvey had to brace himself with one arm to not fall backwards. “Okay…It’s okay…” He composed himself quickly and patted Mike’s back with one hand and held on to him with the other. The kid was still trembling in his arms. He wasn’t sure if Mike was crying or not. 

“It’s not okay.” Mike whispered against him. ”It’s not.” 

“Let’s go home. It was too soon. We can go right now.” Harvey suggested, and Mike just nodded. They got up, got their things and walked out of the office. Harvey would have to text Donna later. For sure she would tell him I told you so. This was just what she had predicted, that Mike wouldn’t last the whole day. Now Mike was staring down into the floor the whole time they were walking. 

He was walking slowly and stiffly next to Harvey as they made their way towards the elevators. Harvey had to deliberately keep his pace slow, and stopped a few times to let Mike catch up. They got some weird looks from the girl at reception and some other people, but Harvey ignored them and turned Mike’s back against the girl as soon as he could when they passed. After that he didn’t dare to let go of the kid, because it felt like he would just crumble to the ground if he did. 

“Can you even make it to the car?” He asked when they were in the elevator. Mike just shrugged, and Harvey got his phone out and texted Ray, just in case. 

“Just sit down here for a minute.” Harvey put Mike on a bench in the lobby and he obediently did what he was told until Ray got there. 

“I can walk.” Mike muttered when the two men grabbed him under the arms and heaved him up and they started walking.

“If you don’t mind me saying, Mike, you walk like a new born giraffe.” Ray told him and Harvey had to laugh. 

“I agree.” He said, and Mike just muttered something they didn’t catch and let them lead him out to the car. 

Harvey watched Mike from his side of the car. They had been on their way for a few minutes. Mike was leaning back against the head rest and looked out the window.

“Are you okay?” Harvey wanted to know and Mike glanced over to him.

“Yeah. I think so.” 

”Want to tell me what just happened?”

Mike shrugged his shoulders a bit. “I don’t know. It just got a bit too much I guess.” 

“Yeah, in what way?”

Mike looked at him for a while before he answered. “Just being back there, you know.” He said. “I know it’s over and stuff, but I keep thinking about what happened. And also I thought that it wouldn’t be a big deal to actually work, but… I don’t know Harvey. It got too much.”

“I think about it too Mike.” Harvey told him. 

“You do?”

“Yes. I do. I haven’t passed that damn conference room since it happened.” He confessed.

Mike just stared at him, until Harvey told him to stop. They then talked a bit more about the whole thing before they reached the condo. Mike also said that he hadn’t been able to concentrate and confessed that he had a pretty bad headache. Who could concentrate then? Harvey asked him. It was also decided that Mike would stay at home a couple of days more. Mike was fine with that and Harvey told him that he wouldn’t have to be alone. 

“It’s fine though Harvey. I don’t think I will freak out every time you leave.”

“We’ll see about that.” Harvey said, and Mike rolled his eyes at him. 

Mike was asleep about ten minutes after they stepped inside the apartment. He had apparently been exhausted. 

– SUITS –

When Mike woke it took him awhile to realize that he in fact was awake. He blinked a few times and yes, his eyes were opened. He was looking up into the ceiling. It felt like he hadn’t slept at all, but he guessed that he had since the room was quite dark. His chest felt a bit tight and it was tiring just to push the air out of his lungs. He wasn’t sure if he was able to move at all. He had a strange sensation in his body, like it weighed much more than it was supposed to. It was like it would take about double amount of effort to move even a finger. 

It was unsettling but he wasn’t that worried. It was not like he had anywhere he needed to go at the moment. He was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be able to walk, he even doubted that he would be able to sit up by himself. This had happened before though, that one time when he was just going to walk to the kitchen but had ended up on the floor having to call Harvey to come and get him up. 

He was juts laying there, waiting for something to happen. He felt pretty okay. He could hear sounds from the living room that told him that Harvey was there, which meant that he wasn’t alone. If something happened Harvey would help him out. Harvey really helped him a lot now, with practically everything. Harvey really had his back and all he had to do was ask if it was something he needed. He had decided to really do that, ask that was. How hard could it be? After all, he was really sick. He could feel it now. He wasn’t getting any better, the opposite actually. 

Thankfully the new painkillers he had received really helped to take the edge off. The edge off everything actually, they probably played a part in his current condition. But this was so much better than being in pain. Because being in pain like that, especially the chest pains were truly awful and it took so much out of him. It was a while ago since he had had them now. Better not think about it. 

He had a hospital appointment tomorrow. He had to do a couple of more test or something and after that they wanted to talk about his future options. They had told him that every test was ready but now they wanted to do a few more. It was quite annoying, but he didn’t complain. It was best to just do what they wanted. He was too tired to argue. Harvey had also told him that he would be there with him for that meeting. That was good. 

Harvey stopped by his room a while later and asked if he wanted dinner. He then helped him with sitting up in bed and he managed to eat something. Not enough though according to Harvey. 

“You are going to starve to death.” He muttered when he left the room with their plates. Harvey seemed to be a bit worried, because he kept asking how Mike was feeling, if he needed to head to the hospital. Mike however didn’t feel that bad. Only exhausted. He didn’t sleep well that night. He kept waking up feeling confused and anxious. 

He felt a bit better the next day, at least for the first half of the day. He was able to get out of bed and to the kitchen, even if it took him awhile. Harvey left late for work and Mike stayed at home by himself. He had managed to convince Harvey that he was fine doing so. Ray would come by and pick him up in a few hours anyway and then he would be at the hospital. Harvey called him two times during that time. 

Mike didn’t really get what was wrong with him. At least not what was wrong with him at this time, to be so tired. He would have to ask at the hospital. 

– SUITS –

Harvey walked into his condo after being at the office. He knew that Mike would get home from the hospital later in the afternoon so he went home pretty early so that the kid didn't have to be alone for a long time. He also needed to make sure that Mike was okay. Now a days you never knew. And also it was kind of the first time he had left Mike alone lately. The kid had assured him that he was fine with it, which was strange to Harvey. He hadn’t acted like it was fine just a week ago. But he guessed that he should just go with it, if Mike felt okay being left alone then so be it. However he didn’t want to leave the kid alone for too long, in case something were to happen. 

Mike was on the couch when he stepped into his apartment. He wasn't exactly sitting up, but slouched down deep on it. He looked exhausted, leaning his head against the backrest with closed eyes. The TV was on but on mute. Harvey stepped closer and saw that Mike was shivering even in his sleep. Harvey sighed and brought a blanket over and spread it over him, apparently Mike couldn’t think of bringing a blanket himself. 

Harvey then stood for a moment watching him sleep. Mike looked sick. Not that he ever looked healthy now, but today his face was pale and he had dark circles underneath his eyes. His hair was damp and uncombed. His face was hollow and Harvey thought he could see lines of pain stretched over it. He looked like he had had a rough day.

He didn't want to wake him up, so he quietly sat down by the kitchen table to work. Mike needed all the sleep he could get. Harvey had spoken some to the kid’s doctor last time they had been at hospital and Mike's sleeping habits had come up. They were reluctant to prescribe more medication at the moment, and it meant that when Mike wasn’t sleeping well he didn’t get much medical help with it. Now however he seemed to be sleeping a lot, maybe he was making up for lost sleep. Or maybe it was some of the new medication he was taking. Maybe he should read up on that. 

The next time he looked over to the kid he saw that Mike's eyes were opened. They were turned against the TV but as Harvey stepped closer to him he understood that Mike probably wasn’t following what was happening on the screen. Harvey blocked it with his body. 

"Hi Mike. How are you feeling?" 

"Hi. I'm tired Harvey." 

"Yeah, I can see that. How did it go at the hospital?" 

"Good I guess." Mike shrugged. 

“You got any news?”

“I have an appointment for the day after tomorrow. I will get news then.”

“Okay. Good. You up for some dinner then? It's almost seven." 

"It is? When did you get here?"

Harvey looked at his watch. "About two hours ago. So, dinner?"

"I'm not really hungry..." Mike started but at Harvey’s look he changed his mind and said that he probably could eat something. Harvey went against doctors’ orders and ordered them pizza. Mike was dozing again when it arrived but woke by the doorbell. He made no attempts of getting up but shyly asked Harvey if they could eat by the couch. Harvey agreed. "As long as you don’t spill on the couch." Mike just rolled his eyes and didn’t move from his spot when Harvey placed the plate on the table in front of him. 

It took Harvey a while to notice Mike’s lack of eating, he had been hungry himself. 

"Why haven’t you touched it? I ordered with the stuffed crust you like."

Mike didn’t do anything. "You could at least eat one slice, it’s getting cold."

A moment later Mike did try to reach for the table, Harvey discreetly observing him. It took him a while to understand that Mike physically couldn’t sit up to grab his food. It shocked him. However he choose to not say anything, he just grabbed the box and put it on Mike's lap, earning him a quiet thank you.

They ate in silence. Mike had two slices before he stopped, in the same time as Harvey began on his fifth. When Harvey handed Mike something to drink the kids hands shook so much that Harvey didn't dare to let go of the glass as Mike drank. He held on to it without commenting. 

Mike sighed and relaxed back on the couch. "God, I'm so tired. I don’t get it. I was sleeping at hospital as well." 

"Yeah? They drugged you or something?"

"Isn’t that all they ever do?"

"Alright, more than usual then?"

"Don’t think so." Mike's eyes fluttered close. 

"Are you seriously falling asleep while we are talking?"

"Yeah?" And then he did. Harvey saw the last effort of staying awake leaving the kid and his head fell down to the side. Harvey just smiled a bit and removed the pizza box from Mike's lap.

Mike didn't wake up during the next few hours and Harvey had been waiting for him to do so for a while now. He was pretty tired himself and had made himself ready for bed. He didn’t want to leave Mike to sleep on the couch. That position he was in was not suitable for a whole night’s sleep. He would be complaining tomorrow. Harvey decided to wake him up and get him to move to his bed.

"Mike. Mike! Wake up!" He had to shake the other man in order to rise him. Mike tiredly blinked up at him but made no efforts to move. 

"What?"

"Get your ass to bed. You are not sleeping on the couch the entire night."

"Why not?" Mike complained and sank down further again. 

"Because I say so. Now, get up." He waited. "Mike!"

"Yeah, Yeah, I’ll do it later." His eyes were closed again.

"No you won’t. You’ll do it now. I'm waiting Mike." 

Mike tried to glare at him, but failed as he just looked like he was trying to hold his eyes open wider. 

"Just go to bed Harvey. I'm fine here." 

"I said that you are not sleeping here. Just get up, would you Mike?"

"It’s fine Harvey." Mike tried to argue, but Harvey wasn't going to let him win this one. He might cave more than not now, but not this time.

"You're not sleeping on the couch when you have an excellent bed in the next room. Let's go." Harvey stood above him waiting. He saw how Mike’s expression changed. 

"I can't, okay!" he suddenly exploded, louder than necessary. "I can't." He kept his eyes closed, his breathing become heavier indicating that he was getting worked up. Harvey sat down next to him.

"What do you mean you can't? Are you in pain?"

"No. I just can't get up right now Harvey, I'm just too tired okay... Leave it alone." 

"I'm not leaving it alone, I’ll help you up. It will be fine." 

"No. I'm staying here." Mike did his best to glare at him.

"Is it really that bad? How did you get over to the couch in the first place? You can't be that tired." 

"I got help, okay. An orderly from the hospital came with me up." Harvey just stared at him. He felt mostly annoyed, why the hell Mike hadn’t called him if he was so bad that he needed help up in the apartment? "I didn’t want to bother you." Mike said sensing what he was thinking.

"You wouldn’t have. I want you to bother me with these kind of things Mike." 

"Sorry...” Mike weakly said looking at him finally. He just looked sad, and Harvey decided to drop it. Now to the next problem. Should he let Mike sleep on the couch, or should he get him into the bedroom? He now realized that Mike hadn’t even been able to make it into the apartment by himself. He also didn’t really like the idea of a stranger in his house, but it was no use to bring it up with Mike. He hadn’t had a choice. It looked like he was going to have to carry the kid to bed if he wanted him to get there. It was going to be awkward, but what the hell? They had had many awkward moments by now, what was another one? 

“Okay kid, it’s fine. Wait here.” 

He went to Mike’s bedroom and fixed things there and went back and stood next to Mike. “Okay, let’s do this.” He said. Mike looked up at him, confused. 

”Do what?”

”I’ll just carry you.”

”What? No… Harvey I’m fine on the couch. I’ll just stay here.” 

”No, you’re not. It’s fine Mike.” He bent down removed the blanket from the kid, despite Mike’s attempts to stop him, he then started to position Mike’s legs so that he would be able to grab them. 

“You need to sit up straighter. Here, I’ll help you.” Without waiting for a response from Mike Harvey heaved him up on the couch a bit and got to witness the fact that Mike actually was as weak as he claimed. He did nothing to help Harvey maneuver him where he wanted him. It was almost like he couldn’t hold up his own head. They needed to do this fast or Mike would break his neck or something. “Put your arms around my neck.” He ordered.

Mike didn’t move and just stared at him like he had grown an extra head. 

“No, come on Harvey…” He tried.

”Now Mike.” Harvey interrupted him and Mike weakly did what he was asked. Harvey grabbed him around his back with one arm and under the knees with the other, then counted to three in his head before he stood up. He staggered a bit under Mike’s weight, he was a lot heavier than he looked. 

“You are heavy.” He grunted as he started for the bedroom. 

”Then you should be happy I’ve lost like 20 pounds.” Mike said quietly into his chest. “Don’t drop me.”

“I’m not happy about that.” He clumsily started to walk praying that he actually wouldn’t drop him. Harvey considered himself to be in good shape, even though he hadn’t worked out in a few weeks now. But now he kind of doubted his own strength and considered hitting the gym soon. 

It felt a bit surreal to be in this situation. He was actually carrying Mike because he was too sick to walk by himself. It was frightening and somehow made the situation they were in more serious. This was bad. 

It was also kind of strange to be this close to Mike. On bad nights he had let Mike sleep on his arm, but this was something else. He could feel Mike’s spine dig into his arm. Mike’s arms around his neck were shaking and it must take him a lot of effort to hold on.

They reached the bedroom and Harvey kicked to door open wider and put Mike down on the bed, making Mike groan a bit at the impact. 

“You okay?” Harvey asked. He straightened Mike’s legs a bit and then pulled the cover over him. 

“Yeah…thanks.” 

Harvey nodded, determined not to make the situation more awkward then it was. He didn’t say anything else. He wanted to ease up the tension but now was not the time for jokes, Mike was just lying there letting Harvey tucking him in not meeting his eyes. 

“You want me to stay here a while?” Harvey asked. 

“Yeah…” Mike whispered pressing his lips together.

”Okay. I’ll stay until you fall asleep, how about that?” 

Mike nodded in the pillow and it looked like he was about to start crying. However he didn’t, just closed his eyes tightly and turned his head a bit to the side. He was asleep within a few minutes. Harvey left shortly after that, leaving Mike’s phone next to him on the pillow. Just in case. Actually he felt kind of close to tears himself. 

– SUITS –


	37. Chapter 37

Harvey and Mike was sitting next to each other in the two comfortable chairs that was placed in front of Dr Lundin's desk. They had almost missed the appointment since Mike had been having some trouble with getting out of bed and getting dressed. Harvey had been forced to help him which had been pretty humiliating, but Harvey had also told him to don't care about it. After sitting up for a while though he felt better and had made it on his own two feet to the car, which felt like a great achievement. And how sad was that? That he was happy for making it to the car.

They were waiting for the doctor to get all his journals and files together. He had just gone to the copier to print something out for them.

Mike felt nervous. They were going to find out how his treatment had been going. He didn't know if he was ready to know or not. Right now he would have to say no, the more he thought about it. What if it was bad news? What if they would tell him that it hadn't worked at all and that there was no hope left? What would he do? He wasn't sure he would be able to take that. He glanced over at Harvey. He had his mouth pressed into a thin line and was looking straight forward. Before Mike had the chance to say anything to him the door opened.

"Alright, let's get started then." Dr Lundin said as he sat down in front of them. He looked Mike in the eyes. "How are you doing Mike?" That question again. Always that question. He just shrugged his shoulders, they might just get this over with.

The doctor nodded and Mike tried to read his expression. But this was a man used to deliver bad news so his face didn't give anything away. "I would like to start with going through these images from your MRI Mike. If you would look at these, please."

He placed a few pictures of what was Mike's chest in front of them on the table. He started to explain what they were looking at. Some images was from an early MRI and the others were more recent. He started to point out changes in the white little dots on what was his heart. Mike couldn't really tell any difference between it all. It was white dots everywhere anyway. He pointed it out to the doctor.

"Unfortunately Mike, I'm very sorry to say that you are right. There isn't as much change as we would like to have seen."

"And what does that mean?" Mike asked even if he knew what the answer would be. It wasn't working!

"It means that we need to start looking for other options for you, as a complement your chemo and radiation treatment. "

"So it hasn't been working at all?"

The doctor drew a deep breath. "I don't want to say that it hasn't been working Mike, but it hasn't been for nothing either. The cancer cells hasn't been spreading to this area for instance." He pointed again. Mike just stared at it.

"Just the rest of my heart or what? It has been spreading?"

"Unfortunately yes, but not as much as it could have done without the radiation and chemo. But this is why we want to start looking into other options at this point."

"Like what?"

"I believe that surgery is the next step for us to take." Mike's stomach twisted a bit where he sat.

"Heart surgery?" Harvey hadn't said a word during all this time but now he spoke. Two words at least.

"Yes. We believe that's the best way to go at the moment. Surgery and then more chemo and radiation as a first step."

Mike nodded. He shouldn't be freaked out, they had discussed the option for surgery from the start, but that didn't mean that he felt good about it. More like the opposite.

The doctor started to explain how an operation would be performed, but also said that they wanted to try one more round of chemo to see if it would help at all and then the surgery would happen.

Mike was trying his best to taking it all in, to listen at all. It wasn't really working. It was like his brain was shutting off without his permission. He wanted to go home now. They were going to operate on him, they were going to cut his chest open and mess around with his heart. Cut into it. Without even noticing it his good hand went up to his chest. He had stopped listening by now, given up. He just didn't want to hear anything more about this. Harvey was listening anyway so that was fine.

He wasn't really aware of how long he was sitting there in his own thoughts when he felt Harvey's hand on his shoulder and he looked up. Harvey was looking kindly at him. He looked sad at the same time as he was smiling a bit towards Mike. He was asking if Mike was okay. Mike just shrugged his shoulders a tiny bit. He wasn't okay at all. It was more like he was numb. He was just empty inside at this moment. He didn't know how he should react or do or feel.

"Do you want to head back home?" Harvey was asking and he nodded. When had the doctor left? Mike didn't know. What was he supposed to do? He should have asked things, right? But why had his doctor just left without saying anything, without giving him a chance to ask anything. He asked Harvey.

"Where did he go?"

Harvey looked a bit worried when he answered. "Mike, you weren't responding. He thought it was best to give you some time to process. I can call him right back here if you want, he just stepped out to give us some time."

"Okay."

"So what do you want to do?"

Mike looked at him, and Harvey was patiently waiting while Mike silently panicked for now good reason. "I don't know." He said eventually. Harvey nodded.

"That's okay Mike." Harvey said. "It's a lot. Would you feel better if we just went home? We could just relax for a bit and then maybe you could give your doctor a call. How about that?"

Harvey was so nice to him so he just agreed. He would do whatever Harvey wanted him to do. It was what's right anyway. Harvey knew what to do. Mike was just too messed up at the moment to know himself.

When they got home Mike just laid down on the couch, dragged a blanket over himself and fell asleep. He felt better when he woke up. At least he felt clearer about what had happened this morning. He didn't feel as messed up as he had felt at the hospital. However something new had invaded his mind. He was going to have heart surgery. He realized that he had no idea when it was going to happen.

It turned out that Harvey had been paying a lot more attention and he told Mike everything that he knew. About heart surgeries and success rates, possible complications and risks. Mike wanted to know everything and Harvey told him. They spoke about it for a long time.

"Are you okay?" Harvey asked him when Mike got quiet to contemplate it all. He nodded and swallowed hard. "It's just a lot."

He absentmindedly put his hand over his chest and got off the couch and started to slowly pace nest to the couch. He just needed to move a bit. To think. He was so grateful that he was strong enough to do so today.

They were going to cut him up. Make an 8-inch long incision and then stop his heart and let some machine keep him alive while they performed the surgery to try and remove the parts of his heart that was most infected with the cancer. Just that part alone sounded crazy. The risks sounded scary too. Irregular heartbeats, stroke, neurological damage where just a few of them. How was he supposed to make it out of there alive? His body was already so weak! Harvey had to carry him yesterday for god sakes. What if he made it in there and never got out again? Or what if he had a stroke and became paralyzed? Or what if…

"Hey?" Harvey was suddenly standing right in front of him, blocking his path. Where had he come from? He had to stop to not walk straight into Harvey. He looked into the older man's eyes. Harvey looked sad and worried. Then he did something that totally surprised Mike. He stretched his arms out and wrapped them around Mike's body and then pulled him into a hug. At first he was so surprised that he didn't know what to do. Harvey was hugging him! Was this happening right now? But then he just embraced it and let himself melt into Harvey and rested his head against Harvey's shoulder and brought his own arms up to return the embrace. For a long time they were standing like this.

"It will be okay Mike." Harvey was saying. "You will do fine. We can do this." Mike nodded against him. He was a bit surprised that he didn't start crying. Instead he found himself smiling. Harvey believed that everything would be fine. It was really comforting.

Mike was the one that pulled away first. "Thank you." He said quietly. They awkwardly looked at each other for a moment.

"Sure thing kid. You just zooned out on me again, and I just thought I needed to stop your brain from frying up from all that thinking you were doing."

"My brain wasn't going to… Whatever." Mike muttered.

"Seriously though Mike. You don't need to worry about this yet. It will be a while before it happens. You have another round of chemo before that. Then your body needs to be able to handle it."

Mike nodded silently, he stared at the ground until Harvey lightly punched him on the arm.

"What if it doesn't?" He asked.

"It will." Harvey said. He smiled. "You will make it. You have already been shot and strangled, open heart surgery is just the next step."

"What? Are you serious? You are crazy!" Mike hit him a bit with his cast and smiled himself. Maybe it would be fine after all.

– SUITS –

Today had been exhausting. Harvey felt as if he could sleep for two days straight. He couldn't do that yet though, because Mike was still awake and he was not about to let the kid stay awake by himself. Not today. Not after that damn hospital visit and those news. He had been really worried at the hospital when Mike hadn't answered when the doctor tried to talk to him. The other man had warned Harvey about that Mike's reactions to the news could come later. So far the kid had taken it pretty well. He had just looked so agitated and upset when he was slowly walking back and forth on Harvey's living room floor, so that Harvey felt like he needed to do something drastic. Mike hadn't answered him at all when he tried to talk to him, so he had just stepped in front of the kid and hugged him. It seemed to have worked. Mike was more relaxed after that and didn't zoon out anymore after that. Harvey had expected him to break down crying, but he hadn't. At least not yet. Harvey wouldn't blame him if he did though. After all, he had been told that the treatment hadn't been working. According to Harvey that was devastating news. He himself had gotten a dry mouth and an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach when he heard it.

It wasn't working? Why the hell not? After all Mike had been through with that treatment, all the times he had been sick and miserable. Had it all been for nothing? Not according to the doctor, but he was paid to say things like that.

How were they supposed to deal with this? Harvey didn't know, and apparently Mike didn't either. He should call Donna. She would want to know. She would want to come over then and she would most likely want to talk about it. Harvey wasn't sure that was what Mike needed right now. To talk about it that was.

When he was sure that Mike was asleep he called Donna. Mike had been tossing and turning on the bed for about an hour before he settled down enough to fall asleep. Harvey had just been sitting there next to him, chatting when Mike felt up for it. Mike had smiled at him one time and Harvey had nodded.

Donna was upset of course. She asked a million questions and Harvey was happy that he could answer more than half of them. She promised to come by the next day, which she did.

Harvey noticed a change in Mike after the news of the treatment and the coming heart surgery. He didn't really want to talk about it, and even snapped at Harvey when he brought it up. He didn't apologies after.

Harvey stayed mostly at home for a few days and only went to the office when Donna was there to keep Mike company. He still had to work. He had cases that he needed to take care of. He just couldn't drop everything. It was impossible. Sure he could delay things and reschedule, but sooner or later he needed to take care of things before they piled up too much.

He could tell that Mike didn't approve of him leaving at all, even when he knew that Donna was going to be there. Bringing Mike to work with him was not an option right now. Mike didn't even ask him about it. The kid could walk around by himself now, but spent a lot of time sleeping. He could fall asleep everywhere. Mostly in his bed or on the couch but also at the kitchen table, once while they were eating.

"I was so bored." He would say then and smirk at Harvey, just to in the next minute look close to tears and ask if they could watch a movie. Harvey complied with almost everything Mike asked him. He felt like he owned him that much. It was kind of a big deal that Mike asked him for things too. He hadn't really been doing that before, so it was a big improvement. And Harvey thought that if he said yes, Mike would be more comfortable with asking when he really needed help and not just when he wanted a glass of water for his pills.

The days passed slowly. Mike went to the hospital for a chemo session. Unfortunately he had gone alone. He had insisted that it was fine, and Harvey had gone to his meeting. He didn't feel that good about it but Mike seemed to be okay. He did have a bad night after though. He spiked a fever and refused to use the cover. He had thrown up a few times but had fallen asleep pretty early, enabling Harvey to head to bed himself.

Donna called him early the next day.

"I'm so sorry Harvey, but they insist you take this meeting or they will go against your suggestions." She explained. "I tried to lightly threaten them, but they didn't get it. That secretary is…"

"Donna? When do I have to be there?"

"At eleven thirty, and you need to stay at least for two hours."

Harvey let out a sigh. "I told Mike I was staying home with him today since he was at the hospital alone yesterday."

"Oh, Harvey." He could hear her smiling. "I can make it there by twelve." She offered.

"Yes, thank you Donna." They hang up. Now to the task of telling Mike that he had to leave.

He observed Mike, before he went over to him. He was sure that Mike had a fever by the way his face and eyes looked.

– SUITS –

The clock was almost eleven when Harvey went over to Mike where he was half-lying on the couch watching a TV-show about cartography on the Discovery channel.

"Look Mike, I need to head over to the office for a while." He stopped in front of Mike and watched him closely.

"What? But you said before that you didn't have to go there today!"

"Yeah I know I said that, but now it turns out that I have to."

"Can't you do whatever you have to do there tomorrow?"

"No, I can't Mike."

Mike looked up at him from the couch, trying his best to hide his disappointment. He had thought that he wouldn't have to stay at the condo alone today. He had spent yesterday alone at the hospital since neither Harvey nor Donna had been able to go with him. He had had a bad night, with a lot of throwing up, fever and pain. He had spent about three hours on the bathroom floor. Alone.

He still had a fever, he felt exhausted and sad now and he just didn't want to be alone. He had sort of been looking forward to a day at Harvey's place with the other man. Harvey had told him that since he hadn't been able to go with him to the hospital he would spend the next day with him. And now he was apparently going back on his word.

"But you said that…"

"I know Mike, but it turns out that I have to do this. I will be back in a few hours. You will be fine."

"No I won't!" He exclaimed, because that was what it felt like. "I want you to stay. Can you please stay?" He looked up at Harvey and held his gaze. He saw that Harvey tensed his jaw, and looked away after a few seconds. He sighed.

"Look Mike…" he started and looked into his eyes again. "I already feel bad about this, can you not make it worse? I won't be gone for more than two or three hours. And Donna is going to come and keep you company."

Mike looked away then. Was he making it worse? He was not the one leaving!

"Fine." He said. "I'm going to bed. I'm tired." He sat up and pushed away the blanket that covered him, it fell on the floor and he didn't bother to pick it up as he pushed his way past Harvey towards his bedroom. As soon as he got inside he closed the door behind him and fell down onto the bed. His cheeks were burning and he felt his eyes starting to tear up. Everything was Harvey's fault. He hadn't felt that bad before. He had thought that today was going to be a good day, or at least better, but apparently that was not going to happen. He felt so disappointed.

He was just lying there, waiting. He was going to be alone again! He was alone all the fucking time. He hadn't wanted to ask anything from Harvey, but now when he did say something, asked him to stay, he had said no. He was going to leave, if he hadn't already. He hadn't stayed in the living room to find out.

After a few minutes he heard the slamming of a door in the apartment. He started crying then. At first he tried to keep his sobs quiet and buried his face in the pillows as much as he could. But after a while he didn't care anymore. He just felt so devastated. He felt like nothing was ever going to be all right again. He was going to die anyway! And he was going to die all alone. Harvey wouldn't care. Maybe he would even be relieved that he wouldn't have to take care of him anymore. He wouldn't have to stand there awkwardly as Mike fought not to cry when he said that he was going to work. He would be able to work as much as he pleased, and not have anyone to make things worse for him by wanting him to stay at home. He would be happier.

He felt the harsh sobs he was letting out shaking his whole body. They were loud and embarrassing. But nobody was there to care anyway. Or so he had thought. Suddenly he heard someone calling his name from the doorway. It was Harvey of course! Apparently he hadn't left yet.

"Mike, hey kid. Calm down." He said and Mike heard him stepping closer. Why was he still home? He felt Harvey sitting down on the side of his bed and he tensed. "Mike, come on. Talk to me." He was saying, but Mike couldn't stop crying. He shuffled further away from Harvey, he was almost pressed up against the wall. A minute or so passed, Harvey was still sitting there. Why was he still there?

"I thought you were leaving!" He forced out.

"Yeah, I was." Harvey said, and Mike just lost it. He didn't care anymore to try to quell his crying. He didn't care about anything at the moment.

"Then go!" He yelled. Harvey didn't move. "Leave!" He screamed again, as loud as he could into the pillow. He hit the mattress as hard as he could, wishing it was Harvey. "Leave me alone!" His heart was breaking in so many ways at the moment. But Harvey was still just sitting there. He didn't do anything, he just sat there. He didn't say anything either.

"Le-le-leave…" he stuttered.

"Mike, come on." Harvey was almost whispering. "I'm sorry kid." He said. And that was when Mike felt Harvey's hand land on his shoulder blade. He made an attempt to brush the hand of him, but Harvey just put it back.

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay Mike." His hand started to move in small circles over his back. "It's okay."

"No! It's not! Leave!"

Again Mike tried to move away from him. He didn't want Harvey to touch him, but he had nowhere else to go now, and he didn't think that he had the strength at the moment to move away from the bed. Harvey didn't stop patting his back, and that surprised Mike. He had really thought that Harvey would just get up and leave when Mike told him to, but here they were. He resigned to the situation then and just continued to cry into the pillows. Harvey would probably leave on his own any minute now. If he just kept it up Harvey would feel uncomfortable enough to just leave. Because him just sitting there was just making it worse. If he was going to leave, why would he sit there and prolong the whole thing?

He wanted Harvey to leave. Right? He had yelled for him to do so. But then he reminded himself that the whole reason they were here like this was because he hadn't wanted Harvey to leave at all. He had thought that Harvey had left, but apparently he hadn't. Instead he had walked into the room where Mike was crying his eyes out like a baby, and now he was sitting next to him and patted his back, mumbling that it was okay. It felt nice. He didn't want him to stop. He wanted him to continue forever.

All the crying was making him tired. He didn't want to fall asleep. He absolutely didn't want that. Because then Harvey would most certainly leave. As soon as he thought Mike was asleep he would get up and leave, and Mike would wake up and be alone. He couldn't take that. He had to stay awake, but it was getting harder and harder to do so. He was so drained from all the crying and screaming. It took a lot of effort, but he managed to turn around so that he was on his back. In the corner of his eyes he saw Harvey still sitting next to him. His breathing was almost back to normal now and he blinked hard a couple of times. He then briefly met Harvey's eyes, but looked away. He didn't know what to say now. He said nothing.

"You feeling better?" Harvey suddenly asked. Was he feeling better? Well, probably. He wasn't crying hysterically anymore, that was better. But what if he said yes? Would that mean that Harvey would think it was okay for him to leave? He wasn't okay with that! He couldn't stop his breath from hitching at the thought of it. A few tears escaped and ran down the side of his face. Hmm... He had thought that he had used up all of his tears for today. Apparently not.

"Okay, I'm going to go ahead and take that as a no then." Harvey said quietly. "What's going on here Mike? Can you tell me why you are so upset?"

Mike didn't look at him. He couldn't. He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand and tried calm down.

"Mike?"

"I…I..." He didn't know what to say. What if he said the wrong thing and Harvey got mad at him? But that probably wouldn't matter. He was going to leave anyhow. Suddenly he felt angry again.

"What do you think?" He said accusingly and kicked a bit with his leg.

"I think this has to do with me leaving." Harvey answered, not faced with Mike's outburst.

"And?" He didn't know why he was saying it like that. He really didn't want Harvey to be mad.

"Mike…" Harvey sighed again, and all Mike wanted to do was cry some more. Harvey hated him. But he didn't cry. He said nothing.

"Mike, what do you want?" Harvey all but whispered. What did he want? Was Harvey so stupid that he didn't know that already?

"I don't want you to go." He whispered back.

"Yeah. I'm not, okay?" Harvey said. "I'm not going to go to work Mike."

"Yeah, right."

"I'm not." Harvey insisted.

"You're not?"

"No."

He didn't know if he could believe him. Was he serious? What if he just said that, and then as soon as Mike was asleep he would leave. He turned his head to look at Harvey. He thought that he could read the seriousness in the other man's eyes. Maybe he wasn't going to go after all. But he needed to be sure.

"You're going to stay?" He asked. Harvey had to lean forward to hear him.

"Yes, I am."

"What if I fall asleep?"

"Yeah, it looks like you are about to."

"So what then? You will wait until I do, and then leave?" Mike started to ramble. "And then when I wake up you won't be here. I'll wake up and I'll be alone again. You will have left."

"No Mike, I'm not going to do that to you." Harvey said calmly. He was just sitting there next to him. Could he believe him? He wanted to so badly, he was so tired. He just couldn't relax. He stared up at the ceiling.

"I'm not going anywhere Mike." Harvey said. "I'm getting a chair." He walked over to the desk and pulled up the chair next to the bed.

"You can sleep if you like. Or you can stay awake too, if you want. I'm staying right here."

Apparently Harvey was serious about staying. He just sat there next to him. Harvey smiled at him when Mike was brave enough to glance at him.

"Okay…" He whispered. "I'm sorry Harvey." He had acted so stupid just now, like a child. He really felt like a little kid. Harvey most think so too.

"No problem." Harvey said.

"But I'm…I'm being stupid. I don't know why I do this."

"No, you are not stupid. You just like me so much, you can't stand the thought of being apart."

"Shut up."

Harvey just laughed then, which caused Mike to smile too. At least a little.

– SUITS –

Harvey's heart was still beating hard in his chest. However he really thought that he had made the right decision. Sure he was going to get shit for skipping out on work, but it was worth it. He didn't really know what it was that had made him to turn around and go back to the condo after he left. Maybe it had been the look in Mike's eyes when he had told him that he had to leave for work. Or maybe the fact that he actually had told Mike that he would stay with him today, and now he was breaking his word. He had sworn to himself that he wouldn't do that again.

The thing was that Mike was not that sick at the moment. He could easily look after himself for a few hours, but Harvey thought that it was his emotional state that wasn't what it used to be. Mike just didn't want to be alone. The thought of being left by himself had upset him enough that he had started to cry. Or totally break down.

As soon as he stepped back into the apartment he had heard him. He cursed to himself and made his way over to Mike's closed door. He stopped for a moment outside and listened. Mike really was crying hard. He made no attempt in trying to hide it, like he had done before a few times. He probably thought that he was alone, and therefor didn't have to hide it. He opened the door and went inside. Mike was laying across the bed with his head buried in the pillows. His whole body was shaking from sobs that was loud and hard.

He walked up to the bed and sat down and touched Mike's shoulders. His heart fell as Mike shrugged away from him. For a split second Harvey just sat as frozen with one hand hoovering above Mike's back. But then he thought, screw it, and just put his hand back down on the kid. Mike attempted to get rid of him again, but he wasn't going to let him. He was sure that this was what the kid needed. He needed to show Mike that he wasn't alone. Physical contact was the best option for that.

Mike yelled at him to leave, but he continued. Mike wasn't going to get to win this! He mumbled that it was going to be okay, and Mike didn't agree. Harvey thought that he had a point.

After some time the kid started to relax, as did Harvey. Mike was falling asleep. He could see it on his face. But Harvey was determined to stay where he was. He felt like this was a moment that he needed to prove himself to Mike. The kid looked like he didn't believe him. Mike thought that he was going to wake up alone. Harvey suddenly felt his own eyes burn, and had to shake his head in an attempt to stop himself from tearing up. Poor kid. Mike must feel so lost. Harvey didn't know what he was doing wrong. He thought that Mike was doing alright, but then something like this happens and he gets to see the broken pieces that Mike is trying to hide.

The kid was sleeping now. Harvey was pretty sure of it, because he had been watching him for the last twenty minutes. At least he had managed to draw a smile out of the kid. For a moment things felt fine between them. Normal.

He stayed there with Mike. Just sat there next to him. He thought about doing something else, maybe go and fetch some work or a paper. Something. But he didn't. He just sat there. At least for an hour or so, then his phone rang, and he flew up and out of the room to not wake the kid up. Right, he had forgotten to call and tell them that he wasn't coming to the meeting. He couldn't care less at the moment.

He whispered in the phone and told Donna to cancel everything for today, and told her that she didn't need to come at lunch. She offered to come by with dinner instead and he gladly accepted it. She reminded him that if he cancelled today he really had to go to the meeting next week. He told her to reassure that client that he would show up at that date. Then he went back to Mike. This time with his laptop. He sat down by the desk, Mike would be able to see him there so it was fine.

Mike woke up crying and Harvey didn't know what to do, because what he did wasn't working. It was so frustrating to not be able to help him more.

"Help…" Mike whimpered and Harvey had to leave his computer half into a sentence he was writing.

"I'm here kid." He said as he sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned closer to Mike. "What do you need help with?" Mike just started up at him for a moment and then averted his eyes to stare straight ahead into the wall across. He was clutching the covers close to his chest, but he didn't seem to be in any pain. Harvey couldn't help but follow his gaze even though he knew that it was nothing there.

"Mike, what is it? What can I do?" He just wanted Mike to tell him what to do at this point. But he wasn't that lucky. Mike almost didn't seem aware of that he was there. Harvey felt his sweaty forehead and frowned. It was definitely a fever he had, a pretty high one as well by now. It did explain his reactions. Mike with fever was never good, experience had taught him.

"Help me…please." Mike whispered again, his tone making Harvey feel sick. "Don't…don't…" the kid was mumbling.

"Don't what Mike? Come on, look at me." And he did.

"Don't leave me."

Harvey sadly patted Mike's arm. It was back to that again. Mike was so afraid to be left alone, and in this delirious state he didn't seem to understand that Harvey wasn't going anywhere. Harvey didn't know how to reassure him. He tried anyway. "I wont." He said.

– SUITS –


	38. Chapter 38

When Mike first woke up some time during the night he felt utterly confused. For a few seconds he had no idea where he was, but then he recognized that he was in his room at Harvey’s place and that Harvey was sleeping in a chair next to him. He found himself just laying there looking at Harvey as he tried to calm his breathing down, his chest only hurt a little. He was still tired and felt too warm. 

It looked like Harvey was uncomfortable. He was leaning his head to the side in a position that probably wasn’t the best. He should go and sleep in his own bed. But Mike did remember last night. He had broken down completely. Again. Something was seriously wrong in his head. It was like it just switched off all the common sense that he normally thought that he had. Maybe Harvey wouldn’t agree. 

He reached out towards Harvey and nudged him a bit. Harvey flew up right and blinked a few times as he almost in seconds became lucid and ready to face the situation in front of him. Mike smiled a little. Harvey was great. 

”I’m okay.” He said before Harvey had the time to ask. ”I’m good now Harvey. I wasn’t before but I am now.”

“Okay.” Was all Harvey said. 

”You should go and sleep in your own bed.” Mike told him. Harvey looked hesitant. 

”Mike it’s fine. Don’t…”

”I’m just going to go back to sleep, and if I need you later I will call out for you. I know that you will come.”

“Sure I will Mike. But I don’t mind staying if you want me too.” 

Mike shook his head. “You must be exhausted Harvey. I really kept you up, didn’t I? Just go and sleep in your own bed.”

Harvey nodded a little then, patted Mike’s shoulder and made him swear to let Harvey know if there were anything he needed, then he left for his own bed. Mike felt okay with that and was asleep just a few minutes later. 

When he woke again he felt pretty numb. He stared listlessly up at the ceiling and wondered what time it was. It a little like he was spinning even though he was laying down. He didn’t think it would be a good idea to get up. 

Other than that he felt okay. A little sweaty maybe. A shower would be nice, but there was no way he would be able to do that the way he felt now. And there was also no way that he was going to ask Harvey to help him take a shower. He almost laughed at the thought, but then sobered up because he suspected that sooner or later he would have to. That just sucked. 

He dozed off for a while after that, and was woken by Harvey who dragged him out of bed to have a late breakfast. Harvey looked a bit better than he had last night and Mike found himself glad to see it. Donna came over later and Harvey left for worked. Before he left he came up to Mike and wanted to make sure that Mike was okay with him leaving. 

“Yeah, Harvey it’s okay. I promise. I feel better today.” 

”Good boy.” Harvey said and patted his head, smirked and left. 

Mike and Donna had a good day. They spent the day on the couch watching movies or sleeping. Mike did most of the sleeping. The day after Mike felt even better. Harvey said that he could come with him to work the next day if he stayed that way. Amazingly he did. 

They were in the car on their way to the office. Mike felt strange. It wasn’t really something physical, more emotional. He didn’t really feel like going to work. That’s all they did. All he did. He was at home, or Harvey’s home really, the hospital and the office. He rotated between those places. He never did anything else. It was not like he could, and that was depressing. He looked out the window watching the city pass him by. They lived in one of the greatest cities in the world and he never saw any of it. Harvey said that his hospital was one of the best in the world as well, but according to Mike that didn’t really count. 

“You okay?” He was startled by Harvey’s question. ”You look like you were lost in thought.” 

Mike shrugged. 

“What?” Harvey asked. Mike saw that he had that wrinkle on his forehead that meant that he was worrying. 

“It’s nothing.” 

”Yeah, that’s bullshit. What is it?” 

Mike rolled his eyes, suddenly annoyed. Harvey didn’t get it. ”We never do anything.” He said, but then corrected himself. ”I never do anything.”

“What do you mean?” 

Mike shrugged again and looked out the window again. 

“Mike?” 

”The only place I go is the hospital or the office.” He mumbled. What Harvey said next surprised him. 

”Where do you want to go then?” 

He hadn’t really thought about that. What did he want to do? What could he do? He glanced at Harvey, who was looking straight at him as he waited for an answer. 

“I don’t know…” he started. Harvey smiled a little. “We could go and see a movie.” He finished. That would have been nice. It was ages since he went to see a film.   
Harvey looked at him for a long time. What had Mike been thinking? It was morning and they were on their way to work. It was almost laughable. They couldn’t go and see a movie. 

“Okay.” Harvey said then. Mike stared at him with a slightly open mouth. Next Harvey leaned forward and spoke to Ray. At the next intersection Ray turned to the right. Mike was still looking at Harvey like he had grown another head. What was happening right now? 

He still had a hard time grasping it when the car stopped and Harvey got out of the car. He still just sat there when Harvey opened the door. 

“Are you coming or what?” He said then and held out a hand for Mike to take. 

“You serious?” He couldn’t help but ask.

“You are right. We never do anything. Let’s go before I change my mind and drag you to my eleven a clock meeting instead.”

Mike smiled and just grabbed Harvey’s hand and let him heave him out of the car. 

The cinema they went to didn’t really have much to choose from when they got inside. It was the only one that were opened nearby, Harvey said. They settled for an action movie, and Harvey bought them popcorn. They got some weird looks from the girl behind the counter. Two guys in suits buying popcorn at nearly ten in the morning probably wasn’t something she saw every day. 

When they got inside the theater Mike noticed that Harvey had chosen seats on the first row. Harvey didn’t say a word just sat down and made himself comfortable. Mike suspected they had these seats just so that he wouldn’t have to walk the stairs, and he felt grateful towards Harvey for that gesture. He was kind of winded after all, so he sank down in the chair next to Harvey. 

Mike felt happier than he had in forever. Months actually. This was so nice. He almost couldn’t believe that he was this happy for something as simple as going to watch a movie with Harvey. Harvey had just skipped a meeting just like that just so that he could take Mike to see a movie. How great was that? Mike almost felt tears threatened, but forced them back. Harvey would think he was crazy if he started to cry out of happiness.

The movie was pretty awesome. Mike laughed out loud more than once, and for one hour and fifty-three minutes he could forget everything else. Once he caught Harvey looking at him and when he looked back Harvey just shook his head a little and smiled and turned his head towards the screen again.

“You ready to go?” Harvey asked him when the end credits rolled. 

Mike nodded and made to stand up. Just to fall back down. His legs didn’t carry his weight.

“Shit.” He swore quietly. ”Give me a minute.”

“Sure. Take your time.” Harvey sat back down again and looked up at the screen. Mike was starting to feel stressed. What if he couldn’t walk out of here now? Was he going to ruin this day?

He didn’t feel ready when the end credits were finished and the light was switched on. They were alone in the theater, everyone else having left like normal people after the movie ended. Mike made another attempt of getting up, but didn’t even make it two steps before he stumbled and Harvey was there and steered him back down at his seat. 

“Just wait a bit until you feel up for it Mike.” He said. “We have been sitting down for a long time, it’s probably the reason you are a little shaky.” 

”Yeah, it’s fine though?”

”Of course. We’ll just wait.” 

However it turned out that they couldn’t wait until Mike felt better because after only a few minutes of Mike sitting there with closed eyes and Harvey texting on his phone a voice behind them sounded. 

“Excuse me, but you have to leave now. The movie ended.” 

Mike jerked in his chair in surprise and Harvey turned around. Mike decided to just let Harvey handle it.

“We’ll leave in a bit. My friend just needed a minute.” 

“No, actually you need to leave right now. There is another show starting and I have to clean in here.” 

“I understand that. But Mike here is just need to rest for a moment, then we’ll leave.” Harvey tried. 

”It doesn’t work like that, Sir. You need to leave now or I will call security.”

Mike made an attempt to get up at that. ”I think I can make it.” He mumbled, but Harvey just pushed him back down. “Wait here.” He hissed at Mike before he walked away and a minute later Mike could hear him talking quietly to the girl from the movie theater. They had stepped away, so he couldn’t distinguish the words. Harvey came back shortly after though. 

“You can take all the time you need.” He told Mike and patted his back. “I called Ray too, and he said he can come in here and help us if we need it.” 

Mike let out a sigh and nodded. “Okay. Sorry.” 

”It’s fine Mike. So what did you think of the movie?”

After they had been talking about the movie for some time Mike felt pretty sure that he would manage to walk out of there by himself. He did, even though Harvey hoovered behind him the entire time. 

Back in the car again Mike had to ask. “What did you tell that girl back there?”

“I just threatened to sue them a little.” Harvey said, and refused to comment on it more. 

They went to the office and the day turned out to be pretty good. Mike didn’t have any other incidents and managed to get some work done for Harvey. He felt pretty proud of himself for that. Finally he could be a bit useful again. That was a nice feeling. 

Three days. That was how long Mike went without any other incidents as he liked to call them. It felt like some sort of record now. He came with Harvey to work and everything, had lunch with Donna, and took a nap or two on Harvey’s couch. 

Then on the third night he started to feel bad. His chest was hurting. It had actually started in the office after lunch, and he had started to feel a bit too warm. However he hadn’t said anything to Harvey or Donna because he kind of wanted to stay at work. They would just force him to go home. Harvey got a bit pissed when he managed to figure out that Mike was in pain. He made him take a few painkillers, which didn’t help, and then they went home. 

– SUITS –

Harvey couldn’t help but feel annoyed with Mike. Of course he didn’t say anything about being in pain. Harvey had to force it out of him, and even then he tried to play it down. However when they got home Mike couldn’t hide it anymore. He said that the painkillers didn’t help so they brought out the heavy stuff. It was supposed to be helping Mike, but it didn’t seem like it did. 

Mike had parked himself on the couch as soon as they got home, and he hadn’t moved from there since. It seemed like he was only getting worse, and it was a bit worrisome. 

”How are you doing?” Harvey asked him.

“Not so good.” Mike admitted through clenched teeth. Harvey nodded. 

“Is there anything I can do Mike?” He kindly asked, but Mike just shook his head and closed his eyes making Harvey feel worthless. 

An hour passed, then two. Harvey didn’t think that Mike had been sleeping, even though that he had his eyes closed the entire time. Now however he started to look worse than before. Harvey left the kitchen island and walked over to the couch. He sat down on the table next to the kid and tried to talk to him. He offered that they should try something to get the pain under control. Mike agreed to everything. He managed to get Mike over to his bedroom in the hopes of a more comfortable place to lay would help. Mike walked slowly, supported against Harvey. His breathing was controlled and heavy. He had his casted hand pressed against his chest as they were walking. Mike fell down on the bed on his stomach and made no attempts of moving, so it was up to Harvey to get him more comfortable.

Another hour passed after that. Mike was sweating and it was like he couldn't stay still. He had a blanket thrown over half his body and was twisting it in his hands. His shirt was almost soaked from sweat but now was not the time to change it for him. Harvey was officially worried. Mike was in immense pain and nothing Harvey did was helping. The pills didn’t help. Mike was panting like he had been running and he would sometimes make short sounds of distress. 

“I feel sick. I think I'm going to be sick.” He breathed suddenly. 

”Alright, hold on, I'll get you something to puke in.” Harvey hurried to get a bucket and some towels as well before returning to Mike. “Here you go.” He said and put the things down. Mike didn't really react.

Harvey decided to help him and rose the bed up higher and adjusted it more upright. Mike groaned as a response and Harvey mumbled an apology. Mike's face was voided of all color and he was staring unseeingly straight ahead. Harvey pushed the bucket into his lap. Mike threw up a moment later, leaning heavily forward forcing Harvey to hold on him to stop him from falling over. 

“You done?” He asked as Mike spit in the bucket. He thought the kid nodded so he leaned Mike back against the bed again. 

“Ow, ow…” Mike moaned and Harvey pursed his lips and sighed. By now they had tried everything. Painkillers, the water bottle, distractions in form of a movie or talking, even a hot shower, but Mike's pain wouldn't ease up. The only option Harvey could think of right now was going to the hospital, even though Mike didn't want to. But it was time because Harvey couldn't just sit there and watch anymore. 

“Mike?” He tried to get the kids attention. “Mike, can you walk?” 

Mike looked at him then. He was panting. “No. I don't…don’t think…so.” 

“I'm going to call an ambulance, okay?” He phrased it as a question which it really wasn't. Mike could complain how much he wanted. But he didn't. 

“Okay.” Was all he said and Harvey immediately got his phone up and called. He then told Mike that he would be right back and went to get some useful things as well as unlocking the door. They were ready when the paramedics came in. Harvey actually recognized them, they had met once before. How odd was that? They followed him in to Mike's room and proceeded to talk quietly and calmly with Mike as they got him on the gurney. Mike didn't say a word, he just weakly held on to Harvey's hand in the ambulance.

“I'm sorry.” Harvey found himself whispering when he had to remove his hand from Mike's as he wasn't allowed to with him any longer in the hospital. Mike just nodded a little with shiny eyes as he was taken away. 

Harvey sat and waited a long time after that. He felt pretty shitty. He hadn't been able to help Mike and he knew it was stupid but somehow it felt like giving up when calling an ambulance. He knew Mike didn't like it, but being here was sure as hell better than they being home and Mike being in that much pain. 

A doctor came and wanted to talk to him later. She told him that Mike was better now. Harvey couldn't help but sigh in relief. 

“Thank god.”

“You okay?” The doctor asked.

“I just hate that, seeing him like that when nothing I can do helps.” 

The doctor nodded. “I can understand that.” She said. “I feel like that too sometimes. But you have a great advantage which I don’t.” Harvey looked at her. 

“What is that?” 

“You know him, you are his friend and he trusts you, which makes him more relaxed around you. I don’t have that with my patients.”

Harvey nodded. “So what can I do? When he is like that.” 

“You can be there for him and support him which I’m sure you do. If you just hold his hand it might help enormously.”

Harvey nodded and looked towards the door which Mike was behind. 

“You know,” the doctor continued. “Studies have shown that when we are alone the brain produces a lot of energy and gets stressed. The brain thinks that you need to solve all of the problems by itself, but in the company of people close to you the stress levels decreases to almost cero. And just something as simple as hand holding sends the signal of that we are not alone.”

Harvey nodded and thought about this for a while, Mike had once said something similar about the difference between being alone and together with someone. It might also explain Mike’s fear of being alone. He was getting stressed from it, because he thought that he had to fix everything himself.

“How is he now?” he asked.

”We have him on morphine at the moment, so he is quite comfortable.”

“Morphine?” Harvey asked.

“Yes, there is less of a risk of side effects with morphine, as well as it being effective.” 

Harvey nodded. “So he won't be in pain?”

The doctor reassuringly shook his head. “If he is, he can just press that button by his bed and he will be administrated some more.” 

The doctor left and Harvey stepped into Mike's room. He was awake. Harvey sat down next to him. 

“Do you feel better?” Harvey asked him and Mike nodded. 

“You want your sweater.” Harvey could see that he was shivering a bit. Mike nodded again and Harvey helped him put it on mindful of the wires now attached to Mike. Harvey zipped it for him and pulled the hood over his head. Mike like that. They looked at each other after that. 

“Can I sleep now?” Mike asked. 

“Yes.” Harvey nodded and took Mike's hand in his.

– SUITS –

He had ended up at the hospital again. Mike wanted to leave now. He felt fine, if anything he was annoyed. Sure, yesterday he had been feeling like crap and hurting like hell, but today was different. He felt fine today. 

“Stop pouting.” Harvey told him. ”They won’t let you leave faster because you look like that.”

Mike held back on his words. Harvey had stayed with him the entire time. Sometime in a pained dazed he had become more aware of his surroundings and he had found himself in a hospital bed with Harvey sitting beside him holding his hand in his. It kind of looked like Harvey was sleeping. Their hands were sweaty, but Mike didn’t want to remove his from Harvey’s. When he thought about it was extremely weird that they were holding hands like that, but it felt good. It comforted him. It meant that Harvey cared. Harvey liked him. He really was like a big brother, or even like a father. Mike couldn’t help but hold on tighter. He had moved on the bed so that he was closer to the edge, and he was sure that he wouldn’t lose his grip in his sleep. 

When Mike woke up again Harvey was still in the room, but was laying on a cot placed by the foot of Mike’s bed. He was sleeping soundly. 

The day was filled with tests and a lot of waiting. It was like they thought that they should take the opportunity to test him for all sort of things when he was there and all. He got to see a therapist for a while to talk about pain management. 

Harvey left to go home and shower and head over to the office for a while but came back later that evening. He skyped with Donna for almost an hour too. Weirdly   
enough, he also got a text from Louis that asked how he was feeling. It was probably Donna or Harvey who told him text Mike. 

Harvey spent another night with him at the hospital. He didn’t even ask Mike if he wanted him to stay, he just did anyway, which was kind of amazing. Mike thanked him twice. 

He was connected to a heart monitor at all times at the hospital. His doctor had said that he was worried about something to do with his heart valves. It sounded serious and Harvey looked intently at the doctor and asked a million questions, but Mike just couldn’t follow in the conversation. He was tired, so he blocked it out. In some way he didn’t want to know about all of that. What could happen when he got sicker? It just scared him. But it was good that Harvey knew. Someone probably should. 

What he did want to know was when he could go home again. He wasn’t in such a great deal of pain now, what he felt was manageable. 

“We want to start monitor you more closely Mike. I don’t really like the way your heart sounds at the moment. That’s why I’m reluctant to let you leave at the moment.”

Mike glanced up at Harvey. “Yeah, I know, but it just that I really feel better when I’m at home.” 

“I understand that Mike, and we know that a familiar environment is always the best place to recuperate. We’ll wait a few days and see, okay?”

What else could he do but comply. He got to spend three days at the hospital after that. Three long boring days. Donna and Harvey took turns visiting. Rachel also stopped by for a couple of hours. Before she arrived he asked a nurse to help him look more presentable. She had did her best but Rachel still looked like she wanted to cry when she saw him. They didn’t get to meet that much anymore and he knew that he didn’t look so good. 

– SUITS –

Harvey didn’t know what it was, but he had an uneasy feeling. Mike was coming with him home today, after three days of begging of leaving. Not so much begging as complaining. At least the kid’s spirit was kind of up. There hadn’t been any crying or something like that and Mike’s emotional state was more stable. Of course there was that one night when Mike had had a nightmare. Harvey didn’t think that Mike remembered because the next day he acted like nothing had happened, and the kid had always been kind of bad at lying. 

Harvey had his own bed in Mike’s room. He had talked about it with Mike’s doctor and they had both thought it was a good idea that he stayed with Mike during the night. He was much calmer then, the doctor said. Harvey had been sleeping but woke up from Mike’s screams. He flew off the bed and rushed over to Mike. The younger man laid as frozen staring unseeingly towards the door. He was almost hyperventilating and Harvey immediately blocked Mike’s view of the door. 

“Hey, calm down. There is nothing there.” He tried, and after some time it worked, because Mike looked up at him. 

“There’s no one there? They are not there?” He had asked. 

”Nothing and no one. I promise. You are okay.” 

”I thought they were coming.” Mike said quietly. “They were going to hurt us.” 

”No one is going to hurt us. I’ll save your ass Mike. I promise.”

“You do?” 

”Of course.” 

He had taken Mike’s hand again and squeezed it. Mike slept the rest of the night. 

But today they were getting out of here. He was relieved as well. Harvey longed for his own bed. Mike could stay on the couch during the day and watch TV or something until he felt fine enough for a change of scenery. 

They took a cab home and Mike managed to walk inside without assistance. He claimed that he felt fine. Harvey wasn’t convinced. But in some way Mike seemed to be doing a bit better. He wasn’t as tired now as the previous weeks and sat with Harvey when he was working. He also was fine with being on his own. Harvey made sure however to go and check on him every half hour when they were in different rooms. Mike noticed probably, but didn’t comment about it. 

“I really appreciate what you are doing for me Harvey.” Mike said quietly when they were finishing up dinner one night. “You have no idea how grateful I am.”

“I think I have some idea.” Harvey told him, smiling at the kid. 

“Still, you are like my hero.” Mike smirked. “I’m thinking about talking Donna into getting you a cape.” 

”Yeah, you do that. I might even let you use it as a blanket.” 

Mike was asleep three minutes later with his head uncomfortably bend to the side. Harvey woke him and told him to go to bed. “Come on princess.” He dragged him up to his feet. 

”I think I take that whole hero thing back.” Mike mumbled down into his pillows. “I’ll never hear the end of it.” 

”See you tomorrow Mike. Call out if you need anything.” 

“Okay. Good night Harvey.” 

Harvey stayed up for a while after he left Mike to sleep. He finished up in the kitchen, prepared Mike’s morning dose of pills and then went back to check on the kid. He was asleep. Harvey allowed himself to do the same. What strange was though, that he woke up about two hours later and was wide awake. He had this urge to go and check on Mike. He tried to tell himself that Mike was fine. It was the middle of the night and he was sleeping, but he couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling he had in the pit of his stomach. He just had to check. 

Mike was indeed sleeping. He was on his stomach and looked quite comfortable. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Mike hadn’t had a nightmare or anything. Everything was fine. However Harvey’s stomach told him that it wasn’t. It felt like he needed to be prepared for something. It was like his body and mind was at a state of readiness, like something was going to happen and he needed to deal with it quickly. It was just like the feeling had before important cases. If he wasn’t on his A-game things would go to hell, that was what he felt like. But nothing was going on. Louis and Jessica were handling his most urgent cases, and he just had some phone calls that he should make over the next few days. Donna had cancelled the meetings. 

It took him a long time to go to sleep. 

It was only after it had happen, when he sat in the waiting room that he realized that maybe this was what he had been prepared for. And good thing he had, because he hadn’t lost his head and had acted just like he needed to be able to save Mike’s life. 

Mike had come with him to the office when he felt better or stronger. He could walk around and sit up for longer than two hours without falling asleep that was. Harvey had Mike working on a couple of briefs that he had thought of doing himself, but Mike insisted that he wanted to do something useful and not some unnecessary bullshit, his words. 

They were both by the table in Harvey’s office, Mike with the briefs and Harvey on his laptop. They had been working in silence for a few hours. ”Are you doing okay, kid?” Harvey asked after noticing how Mike was squirming on his seat. Did he look a bit pale?

”I don’t know Harvey, I think that something is wrong, it feels kind of weird…” Mike answered honestly for once.

“Weird how?” Harvey looked up now all his attention on Mike, all thoughts of the case gone.

Mike had gotten up from the table and was walking a bit unsteadily away from the table. He was rubbing his chest. 

“I don’t know…I just have this fe-feeling…” He didn’t get further than that.

”Mike? Mike? MIKE!” Harvey screamed the kid’s name as he watched how Mike suddenly tensed mid-step and just dropped down on the floor. Harvey knew it was bad straight away. It was the way Mike’s body just went limp like it did, like he just went unconscious mid-step. Harvey was at his side in seconds turning him on his back. His head fell to the side. Something was wrong, so wrong. 

“Harvey?” Donna was there, she must have seen Mike falling as well. He ignored her as he pressed a shaking hand against Mike’s throat. 

“Oh shit! I can’t feel a pulse! His heart must have stopped.” He exclaimed. They had been warned about this.

“What?” Donna breathed as she stepped further into the room.

“The defibrillator, Donna! NOW!” Harvey yelled as he grabbed Mike’s shirt and pulled frantically to get it open and expose Mike’s chest. Another pull, much more force behind it this time and all the buttons ripped. Mike’s tie were still hanging around his neck, but it wasn’t in the way so Harvey didn’t bother with it. Mike was so still, and all color had left his face. Harvey had never seen a person that still. It’s because he is dead, his heart stopped beating, his mind told him. But he refused to accept it. He couldn’t! This was not it!

“Donna!” He screamed, because she wasn’t there with it yet, and Mike just didn’t have the time! 

“Yes I have it, I have it.” She fell down on her knees next to him and fumbled with the lid. Harvey just ripped it from her hands and did it himself. Donna was whispering oh god, oh god, oh god next to him as she fumbled with her phone. He ripped the pads out and stuck them on Mike’s still, sunken chest. You could see every rib. Every unmoving rib! Harvey’s hands were shaking. The machine beeped. 

“Prepare to administer shock. Don’t touch patient.” It said with its calm mechanical voice and Harvey wanted to scream at it. He pushed the button. 

Mike’s body twitched. His mouth was slack. They waited. And waited and it felt like it was forever. But then he moved! The kid moved and Harvey had never been so relieved in his whole life. 

“Oh thank god.” Donna mumbled. She was crying. “I’m calling an ambulance.” 

Harvey only nodded, not letting his focus on Mike away for a second. The defibrillator beeped again and talked, and Harvey pushed a button to shut off the sound. 

“Hey Mike, you with me?” The kid hadn’t opened his eyes yet, but he was moaning. His chest was moving! “Mike?” He shook Mike’s shoulder. His hands were still shaking. “Open your eyes right now!” He said it harsher than he had meant to. But Mike did.

His hands went up to his chest where he found the pads from the defibrillator still attached to him. 

“What…happened?” He panted weakly, barely detectable. Harvey removed his hands, and didn’t let go. He needed to hold on to Mike.

“Leave them there.” He said shakily. You never knew, his damn heart could decide to stop again. “You are fine.”

“What happened?” Mike insisted a bit stronger this time.

“Your heart stopped.” Harvey explained, he didn’t have the ability to come up with something else to say. At Mike’s panicked look he continued. “But you are fine now. We got it started again. You are just going to lay here and relax until the ambulance gets here.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Mike whispered and stared up at him with wide, tired eyes, but did what he was told.

“They will be here in five minutes.” Donna came up to them, she had a blanket with her that she spread out over Mike. Harvey first now noticed that the man was trembling. Donna sat down on the other side of Mike close to his head and stroke his cheek. “Don’t scare me like that. Don’t do that sweetie.” She whispered. 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay now.” Donna had tears running from her eyes, but she ignored it or maybe she wasn’t aware. Harvey sat as frozen beside them. It felt like time stood still. But it didn’t, because his heart was beating like crazy in his chest.

They sat like that with Mike until two paramedics made their way into the office. By then Mike was trembling so badly that he had trouble speaking and answering their questions. He was in shock they were told. Mike tried, but couldn’t sit up by himself and they lifted him onto a gurney. He got an oxygen mask on and soon after he closed his eyes. Donna and Harvey followed to the elevators. Louis came running after them when they were almost there. 

“What happened?” He asked. 

“Mike’s heart stopped Louis.” Donna said and stroke away a tear. Harvey had his arm around her. Not sure if it was for his own benefit or hers.

“Oh shit!” Louis tried to look behind them at Mike. “Is he going to be okay?”

“Yes.” Harvey forcefully said, and Louis nodded. “I’ll let Jessica know. Take care of him.” He watched them enter the elevator, and Harvey nodded at him before it closed. 

– SUITS –

 

-Thank you for all your comments and kudos! I love it! And thanks for reading!-


	39. Chapter 39

Harvey and Donna had to take a cab to the hospital. Harvey got the opportunity to say the phrase “Follow that ambulance.” He could have been without it. He had tried to get in to the ambulance with Mike but had been denied. 

“There is no room, we need all the space we can get and no distractions. Please meet us at the hospital instead Sir.” 

“Harvey, come on. I see a cab.” Donna pulled his sleeve and Harvey reluctantly stepped aside as the door of the ambulance were slammed shut in front of him and he couldn’t see Mike anymore. 

He didn’t say a word in the cab. He wasn’t really being fair towards Donna, but he hoped he could apologize later. There were other thoughts on his mind at the moment. The way Mike had looked when he was administrated a shock for example. Or the way Mike had just crumbled to the floor. Harvey stared straight ahead out on the road with clenched teeth. He tried not to let the ambulance out of his sight. He didn’t want to lose sight of it because somehow it felt like that would be terrible. Mike was in there, and Harvey didn’t know what was happening in there. Was Mike still okay? What if his heart stopped again? 

Mike had seemed relatively fine after he regained consciousness again after the shock, but what if his heart stopped for a longer period of time and what if it effected him in some way? That would be awful. And what if Mike…

He didn’t want to think that thought. He couldn’t finish that thought. Harvey was pretty sure that Mike liked him a lot. Mike really wanted his support, Harvey knew that. Right now, in the cab he felt like crap. What if Mike… what if something happened and Mike didn’t know that Harvey appreciated him too? That Harvey thought of Mike as his best friend, that he basically would do anything for that kid. He didn’t think that Mike knew that. But it was the truth. He didn’t know when that had happened, but it was just how things were now. 

He had really been treating Mike badly in the past, and he had no idea that he had been doing it. at least most of the time. It had caused Mike to not trust him enough to come to him when he was upset for example. He thought of the time when he had found Mike crying alone in his bed. He hadn’t said anything, or gone to Harvey for help, he had just been laying there alone in the dark and had been crying because he felt sad and alone. He didn’t want Mike to feel alone. He really had to change that. He had to stop leaving Mike alone. Because, what if he really was dying? He couldn’t have Mike feeling alone then. It was unacceptable. Things had to change.

He could have lost Mike today. 

“Harvey, we are here.” He turned towards Donna. She was looking at him with a worried expression. It took him a moment to understand, because the ambulance were still there in front of them, but then he noticed that it stood still. He went to get his wallet, but Donna put a hand on his arm. 

“I have already paid.” She said. 

“Okay.” He nodded and climbed out after her. 

Of course they couldn’t see Mike and were instead appointed to a waiting area. Harvey and Donna sat down on one of the sofas and started to wait. Donna tried to talk to him, but he didn’t feel like talking at the moment. 

“He is going to be alright. He is strong. He came back right away.” Donna were saying. Harvey just nodded to her, and took her hand in his. She looked a bit surprised for a second but held on tight. 

“He is going to be okay. He will probably make a joke about it. Right?”

“Probably.”

“Oh god. He will, right?” It sounded like a genuine question this time. “Oh Mike.” She whispered. 

“He’ll be fine Donna.” Harvey pulled her towards her in a hug and she started to cry then. Harvey wished he could do the same, but he didn’t. Mike was going to be fine. 

They waited for another hour without any news. However Jessica and Louis joined them. Harvey saw the two coming towards them and nodded. 

“How is he?” Jessica kindly asked. “Is he…”

“We haven’t heard anything yet.” Donna told them.

“How was he before? Was he conscious at all?” Louis asked.

“Harvey used the defibrillator on him. It gave him one shock and he came back after that.” 

“Oh god. You had to shock him? Louis just said that Mike’s heart stopped.”

Harvey wanted to stop listening. He didn’t want to listen to when Donna told Louis and Jessica about what happened. He wanted to get out of there! But he did nothing, just sat there and waited while he tried to block out the others. After a while they got quiet too, and the four of them waited in silence for some time before Louis spoke up.

“I can’t believe it has come to this.” He muttered. “I never thought that he would actually get this sick. Every time I have seen him he has been pretty well.” 

“You have only seen him on the good days.” Harvey said.

“How are the bad days?” Jessica kindly asked. 

Harvey paused and swallowed. He didn’t want to think about that but answered anyway.

“He feels sick, is in pain, and sleeps a lot and…and he gets emotional.” He finished and Jessica nodded. 

A doctor came to see them a little while later. They were told that Mike was alive, his heartbeat was stable but weak so they had him sedated for the time being. They thought that Mike had had something called sudden cardiac arrest. Mike’s heart had stopped pumping blood, causing his organs to loose oxygen which led to Mike passing out. Without Harvey’s actions Mike would have died. Harvey felt numb.

They weren’t allowed to see him at the moment and were told that they could go home and come back later. Harvey wanted to scream at the woman. He didn’t.   
Donna said that she was going to go and freshen up, and Jessica went with her. That left Louis and Harvey alone in the waiting room. 

“So, that was good news. It sounded like he is going to be fine.”

“How the hell can he be fine, Louis? He has cancer in his heart.”

“I just meant…”

“I don’t care what the hell you meant. His heart stopped, he is not okay!” he didn’t know where this anger suddenly came from, but it felt good to take it out on Louis. 

“Harvey… I know what you are feeling right now.” Louis tried. Harvey didn’t let him. 

“Shut up, you don’t know shit.” With that he stormed away. He needed to clear his head. What he ended up doing was going to the office. He didn’t know why. He just didn’t want to be around Louis, or other people at all, who tried to be nice and positive about the situation. Mike wasn’t fine, it had been so close and he didn’t want to hear their attempts of trying to make it sound like it wasn’t so bad. That everything was fine now, because it wasn’t. 

Somehow he found himself in his office. He had closed the door and disconnected Donna’s intercom. Harvey was sitting at his desk with his back against the rest of his office. That way he didn’t have to see the table where the papers that Mike had been working on was still exactly as the kid had left them. He didn’t have to see the blanket that they used to cover Mike’s shaking body with after he had been brought back to life again, laying in a heap next to the door. 

Instead Harvey was staring out of the window. It was getting dark. Mike didn’t like the dark. Mike was at the hospital alone right now. He should really go to him. He should be with Mike and not here.

He sat where he was. They wouldn’t let him be with Mike yet anyway. He would go back there soon though. Not just now.

“Harvey?” Donna was there now. He knew that she was standing behind him as he had heard her open his office door but he didn’t move. 

“I didn’t think that you would actually leave. Louis said that you yelled at him and then just stormed off.” She paused, probably to see if he would turned around, but he didn’t.

“They said that they won’t let us see him until later.”

“I know. But I thought…” She stopped herself. “Are you okay Harvey?” 

“What’s make you think I’m not?”

“Oh god. Well, practically everything about this says that you are not.”

“Then why did you ask, if you already knew?”

He wasn’t being fair to her. He knew he wasn’t and he was starting to feel like shit about that too. But he still didn’t turn around to face her. He had a feeling that if he saw her, his amazing assistant, he wouldn’t be able to keep himself together for much longer.

“Harvey, I know you are upset. I know how much this has effected you. You had to save Mike’s life today. But please don’t do this.”

Her words cut into him. All of them. 

“I’m sorry.” He said and felt tears starting to rise in his eyes. He clenched his teeth hard together and stared with wide opened eyes out of the window. He could hear Donna stepping closer to him and felt her hand on his shoulder. 

“I know you are. I forgive you.” She said and silenced. She was just standing there stroking his back and Harvey decided that he could let it go, at least a bit. 

“His heart stopped.” He said, not knowing why he said it. She had been there, she had seen it too. “He said he felt weird and then he just fell down to the floor without a heartbeat.” 

“I know.”

“What is he dies? What if he actually dies Donna? What if I can’t save him again? What do I do then?”

He was crying now. Actual tears were gathering in his eyelashes and when he blinked they escaped and trailed down his cheeks. He felt surprised.

“Oh...Harvey.” She continued to stroke his back. It felt nice. 

“He is like my little brother. He is my best friend.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to lose him. I can’t.” He whispered.

“You won’t.” Donna whispered. “It’s okay Harvey. It’s okay. You have to believe that it is going to be okay.”

He nodded. “I know. It’s just. It just, today…he just fell.” He wasn’t making much sense, but Donna seemed to understand. 

“He did. I don’t think I ever been that scared.” She said.

“Me neither.” He confessed. ”Seeing him like that Donna… I never want to see him like that again. I don’t want him to die. He can’t die.” 

“We will do everything we can so that he doesn’t, Harvey. And so will Mike’s doctors and so will Mike.”

“Damn right.”

“You know how much you means to him right, Harvey? How important you are for him.”

Harvey nodded and accepted a tissue Donna produced out of nowhere. “Sometimes I just think that I really screwed it up though. He feels alone even when I’m there. I let him cry himself to sleep because he felt alone.”

“Did you know he did that?”

“No, of course not, but I still let it happen.” 

“Harvey, you know now. You can be there for him now to make sure he doesn’t feel alone, to make sure that he knows that we love him and that we are here to help him through this, just like you were today.” 

Harvey sighed and nodded. He stood up to face her. ”Yeah we will. I’ll make sure he knows.” 

They hugged for a second time that day after that and Harvey whispered his thanks as they did. 

“Alright. Are you ready to go back there, or would you rather work on that case of yours?”  
Harvey just laughed a kind of liberating laugh and they were back at the hospital thirty minutes later. He could do this. He could help Mike get through this no matter how low the odds were and no matter that Mike only had been given a year to live, and no matter that the damn chemo wasn’t working. They could beat the odds. 

– SUITS –

Mike thought that he was awake. He wasn’t sure. It is a strange feeling to not really be sure if you are awake or not. He was pretty sure that his eyes were closed. He attempted to open them, but it didn’t work all that well. Wow, he was tired. Was he in pain? Not really. That was a good thing. Sometimes he just got so tired of being in pain. And painkillers sucked. Or they didn’t suck, because they cause him to be relatively pain free which was a good thing. 

But what was he doing here? Where was here? He was weird. He was thinking weirdly. Why was that? What had happened? He should probably try to find out. He struggled with his eyelids again. They were incredibly hard to open all of a sudden. 

“Are you wake? Mike?” Someone said. ”Do you think he has some kind of a seizure? Look at his eyelids.” The voice continued. What?

”Harvey, stop. He is trying to open them. Aren’t you sweetie?” 

That was a nicer voice. But who did it belong to? Was it his mum? That be nice, but she was dead he reminded himself. How did he even get that thought into his head? He really had a lot of questions that needed answering by now. 

“Hmmm…” He tried to speak, but all that came out was some kind of humming noise.

“Mike? Are you doing okay? We should probably get his doctor in here.”

Doctor? Oh, right! He was at the hospital and that was because he was behaving so strangely. He was drugged up, of course. Harvey and Donna was there. They were talking to each other. He wanted to see them!

This time he managed to force his eyes opened and he could see Harvey and Donna sitting beside him. Donna was smiling widely at him like he had done something incredible. He smiled back.

”Hey.” He said. It was so nice to see them.

They said hallo back. Harvey looked happy too. He told them.

”You look happy.” He stated, causing Harvey to laugh. 

“You know what kid? We are.” 

”Oh.” Mike said and tried to think of a reason as to why. What had happened that could make them happy in here?

“Is the cancer gone?” He asked. He certainly would be happy if that was the case. His question wiped away the smiles from both Harvey and Donna’s faces and they threw a glance at each other. Apparently that wasn’t the case. It made Mike feel a bit sad. 

”Unfortunately not Mike.” Harvey quietly said. 

”O-okay.” Mike mumbled. Suddenly he felt like going back to sleep again. It wasn’t fun to be awake. He had made Harvey and Donna sad by just asking one question. He closed his eyes. 

“No, not so fast Mike. Open your eyes again. We are waiting for your doctor.”

Mike didn’t want to see a doctor, but he wanted Harvey to like him so he opened his eyes again. He hummed a bit again, mostly because he didn’t want to say anything weird to make Donna and Harvey look like that again. Harvey wanted to know how he was feeling and if he was in pain. 

“No and no.” Mike said. 

”Are you feeling no?”

”Harvey, be nice.” Donna said. What? Harvey was nice. He was here. That was so nice. He was next to Mike when he woke up, wasn’t that nice then he didn’t know what was? He needed to tell Harvey that. He flopped out a hand towards his boss. His aim was totally off though, but Harvey helped him out and took his hand in his. 

“I think…I think you are nice.” Mike told him. 

“Well, thank you Mike. See Donna? I am nice.”

Donna was smiling again now and said that she was going to go and see where the doctor was. Harvey agreed that it was a good idea for her to do so. Harvey was still holding on to his hand. It was almost like they were shaking hands. Maybe that was what Harvey was waiting for him to do? So he brought Harvey’s hand a bit up and then down again. Harvey’s hand followed. Mike did it again and again. Harvey just went along with it, but he did look a bit surprised. Mike had to let out a laugh.

“Seriously? You are laughing?” Harvey mumbled like he couldn’t believe it. 

”Mmmhmm.” Mike agreed. 

Then the doctor was there and Mike and Harvey had to let go. Even though Mike didn’t really want to.

“He is really out of it. Is that normal?” Harvey was asking. Out of what? He was tired, he didn’t really care all that much anyway. 

“Mike, just answer the questions.” Harvey told him then, so he started listening again. He had to answer all kinds of things. Like hundred questions. It was so boring and exhausting to have to concentrate like that. He was pretty sure he got all of them right though. However he wasn’t sure that Harvey agreed. Maybe not the doctor either. At least he was told that he could go back to sleep and that the doctor would be back later. 

“I think that’s a good idea.” Mike announced. He really did. 

”Yes, please, go to sleep.” Harvey said. So Mike did, because Harvey had said please. He didn’t do that a lot. 

– SUITS –

“What was that?” Harvey exclaimed as soon as he was sure that Mike was sleeping. He had never seen Mike act like that before. It wasn’t what he had expected after Mike’s latest heart failure. But maybe he shouldn’t be surprised, Mike was on more drugs by now that Harvey could count. This was the better alternative than to have Mike wake up in pain. So what if he was a bit confused?

The whole ordeal had been both slightly amusing as the same time devastating. Mike had thought that they were happy when he woke and his brain had come to the conclusion that they must be happy because maybe his cancer was gone, and not that they were happy that he woke up and didn’t seem to be brain damaged. 

Harvey and Donna got to sit with Mike after he had been moved to another room. It had been a while before he woke up and Mike was not really making much sense when he did. He had told them that they looked happy. Harvey had glanced at Donna and found him to be right, she did look happy. And sure, Harvey was extremely glad to see Mike awake again after moments where his mind had wondered off to thoughts about maybe he had seen Mike awake for the last time today at the office. Those thoughts were hard to avoid after all, since it had being so close to a reality. 

Time passed slowly while Mike slept. Nurses came and went, Mike’s doctor stopped by and checked his values, all without waking him up. He needed all the rest he could get they were told. 

Donna stayed too, and Harvey was grateful towards her. Her presence kept his thoughts in place. They small talked about work, about Louis’ latest attempts at dating and about Donna’s new neighbor. 

Mike was more lucid when he woke up the next time, but at the same time he was in more pain. He blinked tiredly up at them and asked them what happened. He asked them where he was and why he was in pain. He was still confused. Harvey and Donna did their best to calm him down, and it worked well enough. 

Harvey thought to himself that it was strange that he could sit there and just wish for Mike to fall back asleep again when he just moments earlier would have given everything for Mike to open his eyes again. 

They were going to keep Mike at the hospital for a longer time now. They didn’t want to let him leave until they were sure that he was more stable. Whatever that meant. Mike was monitored closely to prevent him from any more complications. 

Louis and Jessica came by again this time with Rachel as well. Harvey was in Mike’s room with him when they arrived. Donna had met them in the hallway and brought them to the room. Donna carefully knocked the door and stepped inside. 

“I found some visitors for Mike.” She said. “How is he? How long has he been sleeping?” 

Harvey looked up and nodded at the three people in the door way. “He has been sleeping for about an hour. He should wake up soon.” 

“Do you think he is up for visitors?” 

Harvey wasn’t sure that Mike was. The last time he was awake he had been in a great deal of pain and confused. He had been reluctant to sleep, and had tried with all he had to stay awake but hadn’t been able to for long. But maybe some visitors would cheer him up. Mike needed to know that he wasn’t alone, that he had people that were there for him. He waved them inside.

When Louis came into Harvey got up and took his hand. He knew he had been pretty rude towards Louis the last time he had seen him. Louis just nodded and and shook his hand back. Louis didn’t seem to mind. 

Rachel was pale and it looked like she had been crying. She went up to Mike as soon as she stepped into the room and carefully stroke his hand. Harvey could hear that she was whispering something to him, but couldn’t make out the words. 

Harvey stood and offered his chair for Jessica and she took it, Donna the other one. They spoke quietly, almost whispering to each other. Harvey told them about how Mike had been when he had been awake, however not detailed. He didn’t want to embarrass the kid.

Rachel was the one who noticed first when Mike started to wake up. “Hi Mike.” She whispered. 

He blinked slowly a few times before his eyes focused on her face. He didn’t react other than looking up at her for a moment and swallowing hard. Then his eyes wandered across the room and widened when he noticed all of his visitors. They all waited for how he was going to react. 

“Wha…What?” He whispered, barely audible. 

”Hey Mike. How are you feeling?” Jessica asked. 

Mike’s eyes flickered towards her. They could all see him tense and he looked worried. Rachel took his hand in hers and he immediately held on to hers. 

“I’m…I’m okay.” He was starting to breathe faster and pressed his lips together. 

“Are you in pain Mike, sweetie?” Donna asked. Mike just shook his head quickly. His eyes were wide and a bit shiny, and Harvey wasn’t sure that he believed that Mike was pain free. He seemed to be uncomfortable with all of them there, and Harvey felt a bit bad. Maybe it wasn’t fair to the kid that they all were there when he woke up with low defenses. 

“We were worried about you, so we thought we would come and see how you were doing.” Rachel told him and moved closer to him. Mike had her hand in a tight grip and nodded a little, not meeting her eyes. 

“It’s good to see that you are better.” Louis added and Jessica agreed. 

Donna caught Harvey’s eyes with her and he understood what she meant when she nodded a bit towards Mike. The kid was trembling and his lips were moving like he was about to say something but had trouble finding the words. 

“Thanks.” He said eventually. He looked up and caught Harvey’s eyes after a moment. Harvey thought that the best way to describe Mike’s expression was fear. Time to act. 

“Yeah, it was nice of you to stop by.” He said. Louis and Jessica got what he implied and stood up. Not that it was hard to miss when you looked at Mike, he was clearly distressed. 

“Yeah, we better go and let you rest.” Jessica said. 

Rachel patted Mike’s hand with her other hand. “I’ll come back later.” She promised and went to remove her hand. 

”Noo…” Mike whispered then and held on tighter. ”No, Rachel. I don’t… I don’t need to rest. You can stay.” he swallowed and blinked multiple times. ”Please.” He added. 

“Of course.” She said without hesitation. ”I’ll stay.” 

“Thanks.” Mike rubbed his chest with his casted hand, and Harvey leaned forward and discreetly pushed the button for the nurse. He wasn’t going to let Mike be in pain. 

Louis, Jessica and Donna left when the nurse arrived and Mike didn’t seem to mind. He thanked them for coming. Donna promised that she would be back in an hour, and Mike smiled at that. However he didn’t let go of Rachel’s hand. Harvey decided to stay. He wasn’t going to leave Mike alone any time soon. But he did sit down on the couch over by the window as to not disturb the other two in case they wanted to talk in private. He smiled at Mike when he walked over there as he noticed that Mike followed his movements with his eyes. 

The following days passed slowly. Mike became gradually better and wasn’t in so much pain, which led the medical personal to lessen his pain medication. Mike was quiet and still. He had been told about what had happened to him and Harvey knew that it had scared the kid. However when Harvey asked him if he wanted to talk about it he declined and claimed that he was fine. 

Harvey knew that that wasn’t the case. Mike was far from fine. He had almost no energy, but still refused to sleep. It lead him to lay on his bed and listlessly stare up in the ceiling or out the window. 

Once a nurse that was tending to Mike asked him if she could sit with him for a moment. Mike had said yes, and the nurse took his hand in hers and proceeded to talk about her favorite TV-show for about an hour. Mike fell asleep like that. It brought Harvey some understanding. Mike was calmer when he held someones hand. It weighed on his heart that Mike still didn’t feel like he could as for that. He must know that he felt better when someone was close, however he didn’t ask. Harvey would never say no to him. 

The first night when Mike was lucid enough to not be forced asleep by medication didn’t go so well. Mike refused to go to sleep. That was until Harvey just promptly sat down in the chair next to his bed and took Mike’s hand in his. 

“You can sleep now. You can relax.” Harvey told him. ”It’s okay. I’m here.” 

Mike looked defiantly at him. They had been arguing for some time before. Mike was surprised by Harvey’s new tactic. But he didn’t remove his hand from Harvey’s. 

”So you think that by holding my hand everything will be just fine?” He asked. 

Harvey rolled his eyes. “Fine enough.” He answered. ”Mike come on. You are tired, I know you are.” 

“I told you I didn’t want to sleep.” 

“Yes you did, at least five times now. But you didn’t tell me why.”

“No I didn’t.” 

“Are you going to?”

“No.” 

”You want to be alone?” Harvey tried, not that he planned on leaving. 

Mike hesitated now. ”Do you want to leave?” His hand became slack in Harvey’s hand. 

Harvey just shook his hand. “No.” Mike wouldn’t look at him now. 

“So you are going to stay?” he asked instead. 

“I was planning on it.”

“Will you keep watch?” 

Harvey didn’t know over what Mike wanted him to keep watch over, but he said yes anyway. Mike relaxed after that and was asleep about three minutes later after he finally allowed himself to relax. 

– SUITS –

Mike was terrified. His heart had stopped. Just like that, in the middle of the office while he was reading through files, his heart had stopped. They had explained all the details to him, but he still wasn’t sure it happened right then and there. Apparently it hadn’t been anything that triggered it, it just happened. That was terrifying because it meant that it could happen again. It could happen whenever he least expected it. It could happen in his sleep.   
He had been told that it was more likely to happen if he did something that caused strain on his heart, like if he were to run or do something physically tiring for his body. 

He felt uneasy and scared all the time now. He often found himself pressing a hand over his heart just to be able to feel if something was out of the ordinary. He did it with his hand hidden under the cover as to not be noticed. It was like he was just waiting for something bad to happen. 

The worst thing was that he was so tired all the time. But sleeping scared him now. He had been a bit out of it and groggy in the beginning of this hospital stay. Some things he didn’t even remember, but Donna had said that he had been quite amusing. That was not good. Now he kind of wished that he was back to being like that. It had been easier. He hadn’t thought about that his heart could stop beating at any second and they would have to shock him again.   
His chest had been hurting a lot, so they gave him a lot of medication against the pain. It was that medication that made him drowsy. 

He had had visitors a few times now. Other people than Harvey and Donna that was. Once Louis, Jessica and Rachel had been there. He had made a foul of himself, he was pretty sure of that. He had been so confused to see them. But Rachel had allowed him to hold on to her and he had felt better then, than he had since he woke up after the sudden cardiac arrest. He had felt grounded and he knew that she would notice if something were to happen to him. She would know right away and would be able to help him. 

Sometimes it was like he didn’t dare to move. It was like he was frozen in fear. He didn’t say anything about that to anyone though and pretended that he was okay. He didn’t know if Harvey knew or not. He didn’t say anything, at least not about that. Bu the wanted Mike to talk. He didn’t feel like doing that though.   
People kept telling him that he needed to sleep and he wanted to yell at them. He wanted to break down and cry. He wanted to just scream. He did none of those things. He didn’t want to cry, it always made him so tired. And if he talked or argued or cried he would get tired. What if he fell asleep just to never wake up again? What if he didn’t wake up again? They didn’t think of that at all, did they? 

The operation of his heart was a more pressing matter now. Mike along with Harvey and three doctors had discussed it. They wanted to set a date for the operation and would start to prepare him for it as soon as possible. Probably within a couple of weeks it would happen. It scared him a lot. At the same time as he absolutely didn’t want to do it he realized that he had too, if he wanted to survive. He didn’t want to make those kind of decisions. Decisions that depended on his survival. Harvey had wanted to talk to him about it afterwards, but he had stubbornly refused. Stupid, he knew, but he just couldn’t. What was there to say? A lot according to Harvey. 

Harvey didn’t leave his side now. He was almost always there. Mike didn’t say anything, because what if he brought it up and Harvey would somehow realize how long he had been there now and he would have to leave. Mike almost panicked just of the thought. He didn’t even know why that was. But Harvey was his constant point of stability now. The fact that he was always there when he woke up from forced sleep helped a lot.  
Somehow without Mike needing to tell him, Harvey had figured out that Mike felt better with the whole sleeping thing when he held on to someone. He had offered to hold his hand after a few nights at the hospital, and Mike had a pretty good night then. 

When Harvey did have to leave someone else came over to stay with him. Mostly Donna but sometimes Rachel. He didn’t want Louis or Jessica to come. He didn’t want Louis to use Mike’s unstable emotional state against him later, he didn’t think Louis would but couldn’t be sure.   
Mike didn’t know how long he would have to stay here now. He didn’t feel so good to tell the truth, and his doctors seemed to know that. He tried not to listen when they told him about his values and heartbeats and all of that. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t know why. There were much he didn’t know now. Too much sometimes. 

His mood went up and down. Mostly he was able to control himself though. But sometimes he just got in such a bad mood that he really wanted to just hit and scream. On those times he was rude to his nurses, told Harvey to shut up or just pretended that he wasn’t there at all. Harvey didn’t get it at all. Other times he felt like crying his eyes out, and sometimes both. Sometimes it felt like it was just too much.   
What he really wished was that it would feel okay for him to have all these feelings. That the mood swings was okay to have, that they wouldn’t get angry or disappointed with him if he refused to eat or cooperate for a blood test. As it was now it didn’t feel okay. He felt bad and ashamed for his behavior afterwards when he sort of came to his senses. He apologized sometimes to the nurses and they seemed fine with it. He wasn’t sure if Harvey was. 

He had a lot of time to think now since he spent almost all of his days trapped in a bed with not so much else to do. He didn’t want to sleep, out of fear, which he didn’t admit to anyone, but suspected that Harvey knew. Sometimes he found himself wishing that his grandmother was still alive and could come and see him. He remembered once when he was a teenager and had been sick and miserable. His grandmother had come and got on the bed with him. He had told her to go since he didn’t feel so well, but she had insisted on staying. “I’m tired Michael” she said “I think I need to rest here for a while now.” She had ended up staying with him the whole day, and the two of them watched TV. If he only had her now. He could be himself with her. Since he was wishing for things he couldn’t help but think of his parents as well, which didn’t make him feel any better. He just missed them all. 

The whole deal with not sleeping had its consequences. One time it got especially bad. It started with that he had asked his doctor when he would be able to go home. He hadn’t really gotten a straight answer instead he had gotten the classic. “When your values are good enough.” That answer wasn’t good enough. He felt especially bad after that. They had been talking alone while Harvey grabbed some lunch for himself. Mostly Mike felt angry. He didn’t really know what he was angry about though, he couldn’t blame it on anyone. But he wanted to let it out. So he did with Harvey at the receiving end of it all. It wasn’t that he was mad at Harvey, it wasn’t his fault, he just happened to be there. 

– SUITS –

Harvey didn’t really know what was going on in Mike’s head at the moment. He was irritated and anxious. It was like he didn’t know what he wanted. One moment he was quiet and still on his bed, not asking for anything and not really wanting to talk, and then in the next he was being loud and demanded that he wanted to go home, or that things wasn’t fair. He had a point, but Harvey had tried to talk to him for a while now. Mike kept repeating the same stuff and somehow it was like he wanted to get mad. 

“I mean, I’ve been here for days now and they are not doing anything at all. I’m just laying here while they test shit which they won’t tell me about. I might as well do the same at home.” Mike argued after a nurse told him that he had another test coming up within the next two hours. 

Harvey just agreed with him for now, but Mike didn’t seem to like that either. 

“It’s not fair! I hate this!” Mike pulled at the wires that was connected to the heart monitor. 

“Hey, leave that alone. That’s not helping anything is it?”

“You’re right! It’s not helping at all. Nothing is, is there? And now they just want me to wait here like a good boy, wait until they are ready to cut me open.” 

“Mike, calm down will you. You are getting yourself worked up.” Harvey tried, not really feeling up for dealing with Mike like this at the moment. Staying at the hospital all this time were taking a toll on him, more than he liked to admit. 

“Stop telling me to do that! That’s all you do, tell me to calm down. You just sit there and tell me what to do like you know best. But you know what Harvey? You don’t!” Mike kept going. 

“Yeah, well neither do you at this point, Mike.” 

“Shut up, just shut the hell up.” Mike said angrily. Something flared up in Harvey then. He wanted to get mad and yell back at the kid, but knew he couldn’t. It wasn’t Mike’s fault, but still he didn’t appreciate it at all to be talked to like that. A doctor had mentioned that mood swings were common. And Harvey could understand the frustration that Mike must be feeling at his situation. 

“You know what Mike. “Harvey calmly said, kind of proud of his tone. “I think you need a moment alone to cool down. I’ll just come back later.” He started to walk towards the door, but was stopped by Mike.

”Yeah, just leave! I know you want to. It’s not like you want to be here. I bet you hate it here.” Mike screamed after him. Harvey looked at him in surprise, he had never seen Mike like this. Gone was the weak kid with pale cheeks from only minutes earlier and he was replaced by this version of Mike that Harvey didn’t know even existed inside the first version. Mike wasn’t done.

“I don’t want you here anyway! I wish it wasn’t you here. I wish it was my parents. It should be them, not you. I want them here. I want my own dad. Not you! You are not my dad!” 

Mike stopped screaming here. It was like he had surprised himself with his outburst, like his brain hadn’t been in control of what came out of his mouth instead it was his heart who decide. Mike looked shocked and a bit confused. It all changed now with his last words. His red face started to pale. He tried to control his breathing but he was panting. He almost looked scared, eyes wide. Harvey felt like he couldn’t move when Mike spoke again and then met his eyes.

”I wish you were.” He whispered and tears immediately flooded Mike’s eyes. “I wish you were.” He met Harvey’s eyes. Harvey was a bit taken back at this totally unexpected turn and he just stood there frozen in place. He hadn’t expected this. 

“You’re mad now right? If you were, I could talk to you like that, but you would still…” Mike stopped. He looked down and closed his eyes. His arms came up towards his chest and he hugged them close to him, as if seeking comfort from himself. 

“Mike…” Harvey started, unsure on how to proceed. 

“I’m so sorry.” Mike whispered. 

“I’m not mad.” Harvey said. He paused for a moment and then slowly walked over sat down next to Mike again. He weighed his words thoughtfully and found that he meant every word. “You know what? Sometimes I think it’s like I am.” 

“Am what? Like my dad?”

“Yeah…Sure.” 

“I pretend you are sometimes.” Mike said quietly then, looking down at his lap. “It would just be so much easier. I wouldn’t have to think…”

He didn’t finish the sentence so Harvey didn’t find out what Mike wouldn’t have to think. He could guess though. With a parent Mike wouldn’t have to care about how he acted, because they would love him and care for him anyway. But Harvey wasn’t Mike’s father, he was his boss and that made Mike think that he needed to somehow restrain himself and hold back on what he was truly thinking and feeling. The thought of that Mike pretending in his head that Harvey was his father was truly something special. It stirred something in Harvey that he hadn’t known was there inside of him. Everything about Mike had woken something inside him ever since he met him. Now it was of course stronger than ever. He and Mike had grown very close, especially over the last few months since the cancer. And now Mike confessed that he wished they shared an even stronger bond. Harvey found that he didn’t mind, not at all. He felt protective of Mike, hell he’d do anything for him. Kind of like a father.

“That’s okay Mike.” He said. “You can. If you want you can think of me in that way. I don’t mind.”

Mike dared to smile hesitantly against him. 

“In fact,” Harvey continued “It would probably be easier if you did.”

“Yeah?” Mike whispered. 

“Sure.” They were quiet for some time.

“Thank you Harvey. I know it’s weird. I know how it sounds. Oh…” Mike sighed. “I’m so messed up!” He exclaimed. “This makes me so messed up.” He made a vague gesture towards the machines. “My emotions are all over the place, it feels like I can’t control them. I feel all broken sometimes, like I don’t know how to be me anymore.” He wiped his eyes. 

“You are still you.” 

“Yeah, I know but I also know how I’m acting. Like just now. I’m not even sure why I did it, why I yelled at you. I was just mad and I took it out on you. Even when you are the only person who is there for me.”

“It’s fine Mike, I get it. You have to yell some to not go crazy. I know I would.” 

Mike coughed a bit straight out and nodded. “I guess. But I’m still sorry.” He said and started to lay down.

“Can you stay here?” He asked. 

“Sure.”

Mike pulled the cover over himself and turned on his side to face Harvey. “Thank you Harvey. Thank you for everything. For putting up with me. I don’t get why you do it sometimes. Especially when I behave like this.”

Harvey just shook his head and then offered out his hand for Mike to hold on to and he took it without hesitating. “I thought you knew by now. You’re my guy Mike.” 

– SUITS –


	40. Chapter 40

Mike had a hard time sleeping that night. It helped a lot that Harvey was there, but he still felt like crap. He had humiliated himself again in front of Harvey. He couldn’t believe what he actually had said. He had expressed a wish that he had been harboring for some time now, that he wished that Harvey was his father. Ha hadn’t wanted to say that, but at the moment when he did it felt relieving. Like something lifted of him a bit. And Harvey had responded amazingly. Just the way he wanted him too. He had answered so that the whole thing got less awkward which Mike was thankful for.

To think like that felt wrong now. It felt like he was betraying his own father. But Mike’s father wasn’t here! Harvey was, and that was why he had been thinking about all of this. Harvey acted a bit like a father would, and now he had said that it was okay for Mike to think of him in that way. 

Mike tried his best not to feel embarrassed. He tried to rationalize his behavior. He had been upset, frustrated and on drugs. But it was also how he felt. He had spoken truthfully. 

Mike knew Harvey was on his side. He could trust Harvey with everything now. He knew he could. Harvey was going to be there through everything else that he had in front of him. Harvey would be there to the end if it came to that. Mike was sure of it now. That felt so reassuring. 

He had woken during the night and Harvey had been there every time. He spoke to him, asked how Mike was doing. Asked if he had had a nightmare. One time when Mike admitted that he had, Harvey put a hand on his arm and left it there until he fell asleep again. 

Sometimes Mike felt like he was a child again. He really did, in more ways than one. For one it was his emotional state. He couldn’t really control his feelings. One moment he felt like yelling and hitting at everyone and everything around him just like he the next moment regretted it and felt like crying. 

He didn’t feel happy about things anymore, and that was sad. He enjoyed certain things, sure, but the cancer always lured in the background preventing him to feel joyous for long. And now it had been decided that he was going to stay at the hospital until he had the surgery. 

He was going to have heart surgery. He had a hard time taking it in. Harvey kept telling him that it would be fine and that this was a good thing. They would take more aggressive steps towards getting rid of the cancer. But Mike couldn’t help to think about the fact that they were going to open him up. Cut his chest open and mess with his heart. 

“They won’t mess with your heart.” Harvey argued with him when he expressed his thoughts about the operation. “They are going to operate and try to remove the cancer cells. Not mess with it.” 

But Mike could see on Harvey that he was worried. He saw him standing outside his room speaking to his doctors. Once they all suddenly looked over at Mike and Harvey had a look of devastation on his face that Mike hadn’t seen on him before. That scared him more than the doctor’s lectures about risks and complications. That look on Harvey’s face that had appeared for just a second before he noticed that Mike had been looking at him. He had forced a smile then and nodded towards Mike, and hadn’t said anything when he came back into the room. 

That night Mike hadn’t woken Harvey up when he startled awake from yet another nightmare. He had them almost every night now. Instead he had turned away from Harvey as much as he could and he had cried into his pillow. The fact that something about him had caused Harvey to look like that terrified him. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to know what it was. He rarely asked questions about the illness he had. He didn’t want specifics. He didn’t need to know how low his chances were. He figured that nothing would get better from that. 

Mike didn’t know if he thought that he was going to die or not. He tried not to think about it, which led to him thinking about it all the time. He found himself thinking that, what if this is the last time I see this movie? Or what if this is the last time I have pickles. He just couldn’t help it. 

Mostly he felt okay during the days. He was tired and didn’t have an appetite what so ever. Eating made him feel nauseous. More times than not he threw up after eating which was really disgusting. But that was the worst of it for now. If he was in pain they just gave him pain relief and it went away. It made him tired and slightly dizzy though. 

It was really boring at the hospital though. Harvey was with him a lot and also Donna. Louis had come and visited him for almost an entire day. At first he thought it was going to be awkward with Louis there, but it wasn’t. As it turned out Louis was pretty great company. Mike was surprised. They talked, watched TV and played cards.

While Louis was there Mike had been forced to undergo a rather painful test. He was tired and sore and didn’t want to do it at all. But since Louis was there he didn’t protest. However when they started he felt those bad emotions start to come over him, and he wished for Harvey. It was weird that he did that, but it just happened. Harvey meant safety for him now. Harvey would fight for him, so he didn’t have to do it himself. 

But now Harvey wasn’t there. Only Louis and Mike felt tears rise in his eyes. Damn it! Louis was going to laugh at him. His mind twisted between wanting Louis to leave and wanting Louis to comfort him. Wow, he never in a millions years thought that he would ever wish for that. But now he did. 

“Are you…okay?” Louis asked him. He was seated in a chair across from Mike, who was turned on his side. Mike closed his eyes and didn’t respond. He started to breathe more heavily. 

“Mike, you need to calm down and try and stay still. It’s almost over.” A nurse said. It was true and they were done a few minutes later. It left him upset and sore though. It was like a dam had been opened and he knew that it was impossible to close it without letting some of the water out. 

Louis and Mike were left alone and the nurse quietly closed the door behind her. Mike did his best to try and close the dam. It didn’t work and suddenly a sob erupted from him. Mostly it made him angry at himself. What the hell was he doing? Why was he acting like this? He just didn’t know. And the effort it took him to try and hold it back was so exhausting. It stressed him out too, the effort of trying to hold it back, but also trying to figure out why it was happening and why he was feeling like that. 

Louis must have seen it on him because he suddenly moved his chair closer to Mike’s bed. 

“Mike?” he asked. 

“Yeah…” 

“You are doing okay.” Louis said. “You are doing okay.” 

Then he just sat there while Mike hid his face behind his arm while he tried to calm down. He could feel himself getting tired. He knew that he was going to pass out soon, even though he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay awake, because the fear of being left alone returned with full force. He was just afraid that if he fell asleep while he had a visitor they would get bored and leave while he slept. Then he would wake up and no one would be there. It was irrational to be afraid of that, but he was. He had come to the conclusion that a part of that fear was that he was afraid that something would happen to him and he would die because no one would be there to see it. After all his heart had stopped once already and then he had been lucky that Harvey and Donna had been there and saved him. 

The fear made things to him. Things that he didn’t like. It changed him. It felt like it changed the person that he was. It made him weak. Made him behave like a child and have needs for comfort like a child. He had that now. 

He opened his eyes and removed his hands from his face. Louis smiled a little at him and Mike bit his lip. He didn’t know what to say, how to start. 

“Are you in pain?” Louis asked him and looked concerned. Mike shook his head. He knew that he must look terrible because Louis expression didn’t change. 

“I…I’m…I’m tired.” Mike finished lamely. 

“Yeah, well then, go to sleep.” Louis said. 

Mike bit his lip again. He wanted to beg for Louis to stay, but he couldn’t. He blinked furiously to get rid of the tears, even though he knew Louis had already seen it. Great. Now he felt pathetic. He was just worthless. Louis would probably laugh at him as soon as he left the room. 

“Hey Mike, what’s wrong? Are you sure you are not in pain?” 

“No, I’m fine.” He managed to say. Louis nodded a bit and tried to catch his eye but Mike looked away. 

“Just go to sleep Mike. You will feel better when you wake up.” 

If he slept he would have to feel. But what if something happened? 

“If you leave, would you wake me up?” He asked. 

“Yeah, sure. But I don’t have anywhere else to be today.” Louis said, but Mike had a hard time believing that he didn’t have like a hundred better things to do than to just sit here and watch Mike sleep. 

“You have to.”

“Have to what? Wake you up?” 

“Yes.” His voice almost broke and he didn’t know what to do with himself. He was so close to breaking down. Louis seemed to notice. 

“I will Mike. I will. Just relax.” 

“It’s not cool if you don’t.” He said. He didn’t want to beg. 

Louis shook his head. “I won’t.” He said. Mike still wasn’t convinced. He didn’t know what to do now. He wanted to sleep to just get away, but on the other hand he didn’t want to wake up alone. He didn’t know if he could trust Louis or not. What if he just left? 

“I promise I won’t leave you.” Louis said then and when Mike looked up into his eyes he felt a bit better. Louis promised. He nodded and closed his eyes.  
Louis was still there when he woke up again three hours later by a nurse who wanted a blood sample. Harvey was sitting next to him.

– SUITS –

Harvey opened the door to Mike’s hospital room carefully. He had texted Louis when he was done with his meeting and had gotten the answer telling him that Mike was asleep. He still was when he stepped inside the room. He looked rather peaceful. Better than Louis actually. Louis looked shaken up. Harvey greeted him.

“Hey.” At the sound of Harvey’s voice Louis jerked in his chair as if he hadn’t noticed that Harvey had entered the room. 

“Oh, hey.” 

Harvey quietly brought up a chair next to Louis and sat down. 

“How is he?” 

“He has been fine.” Louis said. “He had some test earlier and after that he…”Louis paused and searched for words. “He got a bit worse. He was upset.”

“He seems fine now. You can leave if you want Louis. I got it now.”

“Actually Harvey, I’d like to stay until he wakes up again.”

“That might be hours Louis.”

“I know.” Louis said and didn’t move from his spot. After some time where had been sitting there in silenced Louis spoke again. 

“I promised him to be here when he woke up again. I intend to keep that promise.”

“Good. I’m sure he appreciates that.”

“Yeah.”

They sat there in silence for a while. 

“Thank you for coming to stay with him today Louis.” Harvey said then. “I appreciate it.” 

“No problem, Harvey. I don’t mind helping out. All you need to do is ask.”

Harvey nodded but didn’t say anything. 

“We had a nice day, up until an hour ago.” Louis said then.

“What happened?”

Louis told him and Harvey could tell that it bothered Louis more than he let on. 

“Look Louis, it’s not you. He is like that with me as well, although I think it’s getting a bit better between us. He’s just having a hard time dealing with all of this.”

“You can’t blame him though.” Louis quietly said, not taking his eyes of Mike. 

“No.” 

Mike was woken up a while later and was doing better again. He just held out his arm for the nurse but didn’t look at what she was doing. Neither did Harvey or Louis.  
Mike thanked Louis for staying when they were left alone again. Louis told him that of course he had been staying, he had told Mike that he would. 

“Still…thank you.” Mike had said. “I didn’t know if you would.”

Louis took Mike’s hand in his and squeezed it. Mike looked so surprised that Harvey had to let out a chuckle. He was definitely going to ask Louis to come back. Only Mike’s expression made it worth it. But honestly Louis did surprise Harvey as well, even though it probably shouldn’t have. Louis was a good man after all, just impulsive and sometimes made decisions without thinking them all the way through. But when it came to it, you could count on him. Harvey would have to do that more now. 

Truth was that he did need help with Mike now. He couldn’t be by his side at all times. He had talked about that with Mike, and Mike had said that it was okay. 

“I understand that Harvey. You can’t be here all the time. I might wish you were, but I get that you can’t.” Mike truthfully had told him. 

Donna had suggested that they made a schedule for who came and sat with Mike, but Harvey had declined. He thought it better if they just did it as it happened. He didn’t want a schedule to decide when he should see Mike and when someone else would be there. But they had agreed on that someone should be with Mike as much as possible. The kid was scared, that was for sure. It was understandable. Harvey was scared too. They all were. Mike’s fear lessened if he had company, so that was easily fixed. 

It had been decided that Mike was going to stay at the hospital until the operation. They had started to prepare him for it by change his medication and he wasn’t given any blood-thinning medication. That meant he couldn’t have ibuprofen or aspirin. 

Mike wasn’t happy about staying at the hospital, but seemed to have accepted it now. Sure he had bad moods and complained sometimes but who hadn’t. About a week into Mike’s stay he started to get worse. He woke up and was in pain one day and it didn’t ease up. All he wanted to do was sleep. 

Harvey arrived at the hospital pretty late that day. When he stepped into the hospital room Mike was sleeping. Mike didn’t look that well. Actually he looked really bad, very ill. Donna had been staying the night with Mike and also the day while Harvey was at work. He was a bit surprised to see Mike now. Donna told him that Mike had gotten worse during the night. He had started coughing a few days ago and it just got worse after that. Some of the bouts he had left him breathless and clutching at his chest. 

Donna had been exhausted with dark circles under her eyes. She hadn’t slept much. Mike had been restless and upset, she told Harvey. He had only been sleeping for an hour or so at the time before the coughing woke him up again. 

Mike’s appearance shocked him a bit. It was hard to take in sometime that this really was happening. That his associate was deadly ill. Mike’s skin had taken on an almost grayish color and he was equipped with a nasal cannula and had IV:s connected to both of his arms. The usual wires connecting him to the heart monitor were there as well. All of the medical equipment enhanced the image that Mike really was sick. 

Harvey took his usual seat next to the bed and put a few files on Mike’s night stand, on top of the iPad he had gotten Mike. He might as well do some good while he just waited. 

“Hi.” Mike’s voice startled him an hour or so later. He put down the files.

“Hi yourself. You good?”

“You know, you should just stop asking me that. Do I look good?” Mike smirked. He was apparently in a pretty good mood. 

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

“I guess not. What are you working on?”

They spent some time discussing the case Harvey was working on, before Mike got tired again and announced that he was going to take a nap. He did and woke up in pain two hours later. His body was tense and he was quiet. 

“It’s okay Mike. It’ll pass.” Harvey told him as they waited for a nurse to come. When she did she got Mike’s doctor to come and he listened to Mike’s heart. He then wanted to talk to Harvey outside. It wasn’t good news of course. The medical professional wasn’t happy with how Mike’s heart sounded and they were going to monitor him more closely from now on. Harvey felt a knot tie in his stomach at those words. When he heard those words he looked over towards Mike and happened to meet his eyes. He forced himself to smile at the kid, but was pretty sure Mike saw through it. However Mike didn’t ask him anything about it. 

Harvey didn’t like the fact that Mike seemed even worse the next day. Mike had been away for some test and when he came back he was shaking. 

“You alright? What happened?” Harvey asked him and stood up to meet him. He helped getting Mike back into bed. 

“I’m good.” Mike tried. “I’m just cold.” He added when Harvey raised an eyebrow at him. 

Harvey stopped turned to the nurse next to them and demanded she bring them some more blankets. Mike’s eyes were only opened to slits, but Harvey thought he was smiling. 

The two extra blankets didn’t help and Mike was miserable. Harvey could practically feel it radiate of him. He sighed in sympathy and frustration over not being able to do more. He did try though, what more could he do. 

As the operation grew nearer, it was set up for the next week, Harvey tried to talk about it with Mike. Mike wasn’t that keen on doing so though. But eventually he opened up and expressed fear about going through it. Harvey couldn’t blame him and tried to be as supportive as he could. The risks about the operation lingered in his thoughts though at every word of comfort he offered Mike. 

“What if it doesn’t work?” Mike questioned. “What if they don’t get it all?”

“Then we will deal with it.” 

Mike seemed to hesitate for a moment. Then he looked over at Harvey and sat up a bit on his bed. 

“You will be here right?” He asked. 

Harvey rolled his eyes at him. “Do you even have to ask?” He said. 

“Thanks Harvey.” 

“No need to thank me Mike. Remember when I said that we are a team and that we are doing this together?”

He waited until Mike nodded. 

“I meant it.” 

– SUITS –

The day for the operation only crept nearer. Mike didn’t look forward to it at all. He was counting the days now. He felt like he should prepare somehow but he didn’t know how. He had yet again been offered to speak to therapist but had declined. What would he say to a shrink? It just felt weird. Both Donna and Harvey had thought that he should go. 

“At least give it a try. You don’t know if it will help or not if you don’t try.” Donna told him. 

“But how would it help me? I should just pour out my feelings and they will tell me what it means and everything will be fine?”

“You might feel better Mike. That’s how it might help.” Harvey said.

He had promised them that he would think about it, but didn’t bring it about again after that. He didn’t want to. He was thankful for Harvey and Donna because they also left it alone. They were spending a lot of time with him now. It was nice. Donna fussed over him more than ever and Harvey was there every night. It was reassuring. He actually loved it. These people really were his family now. 

It was only two days left now and he was staring to get really nervous. He spoke to Harvey about it eventually and felt a bit better after that. His doctor and one of the surgeons that was going to perform the operation came by and spoke to him when it was only one day left. They told him all about the procedure and about the risks. He got to ask all the questions he wanted. Harvey was there as well and asked stuff that Mike didn’t think about. It felt like the meeting took hours and hours and he felt almost feverish when all the questions were answered. The last half an hour they all came from Harvey. 

The operation was going to take between four and six hours. He was going to be given general anesthesia and they assured him that he would be pain-free and asleep during the whole thing. After that they would make an eight to ten inch cut in his chest, and cut through his breastbone to expose his heart. Once the heart was visible they would connect him to a heart-lung bypass machine. That machine would move the blood away from his heart so that the surgeon would be able to operate. After that they would start to work on removing the cancer cells. When they were done they would close his breastbone again with some type of wire that they would leave inside of him, which to Mike sounded wrong. But it was finished after that, they would only stich him up. He was told that he would spend at least one night at the ICU before they would move him back to his regular room. 

That would be all. That was how it was supposed to happen. They were going to cut into his heart. There were tons of risks involving that. Mike wished he could have blocked some of them out, but they were now edged into his brain forever. The worst one was without a doubt death. He could die from it. Unfortunately they had told him, the risks for death were higher in people that were very sick prior to their heart surgery. They told him it wouldn’t happen though, they were excellent at their job. 

Other risk were that he could get a heart attack or a stroke. He did not want to have a stroke! What if he woke up and were paralyzed? That would be terrible. He could also get irregular heartbeats. That wouldn’t be anything new though, he had had those. It was not pleasant. 

Chest wound infections, lung or kidney failure, blood clots or blood loss, breathing difficulty, chest pains or trouble breathing were other complications that might happen. Another scary one was memory loss. He had never had that before and it scared him a lot. He would feel like he was brain damaged then. 

Apparently all the risks were higher if you were sick prior to the operation. It annoyed Mike to hear that, it wasn’t like he could do anything about that now.

After the doctors and surgeons left he had about an hour alone with Harvey before a couple of nurses came to his room to help him to wash up. Harvey waited outside while they washed him with some kind of special soap that were used to kill bacteria on his skin and were supposed to lessen the chance of infection after surgery.  
Harvey came back again when he was done. 

“You look clean.” He smirked. “You okay?” he asked then. 

Mike sighed. “Yeah, I think so. It’s a lot, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is Mike. But they seem capable.”

“Yeah, hopefully he’s not a fraud.”

“That’s not even funny.”

Mike still laughed a little. “I think I’m going to be okay Harvey.”

Harvey nodded. “Sure you will.” He said and sat down. “You want to watch TV?” He asked when Mike didn’t say anything else. 

They did just that for the rest of the night. Donna and Rachel came over for dinner. He wasn’t allowed to eat anything after. The four of them had a pretty nice evening. However he fell asleep with all of them there which was a bit embarrassing. He woke up after midnight and drunkenly asked Harvey where Rachel was. 

“She left three hours ago, you idiot. They will stop by tomorrow though, before.” 

Mike was satisfied with that and fell asleep again. 

When he woke up he wished that the operation was right now, and not at one a clock. That was hours and hours of waiting and he didn’t feel up for that. He wanted it over with now, because he was panicking. He was starting to get really freaked out. Really scared. He was afraid. What if it wouldn’t work? What if he would die today? 

The fact that he wasn’t allowed to eat anything didn’t help his mood. Not that he ever was hungry, but he could have eaten something today. His nurse apologized that the operation was scheduled for so late. They were normally earlier. He was on an IV, so it wasn’t so bad but still. Just because he wasn’t allowed he was feeling hungry. 

“Mike, calm down.” Harvey told him, when he shifted on the bed for the seventeenth time. “I get that you are nervous. Donna will be here soon. Louis and Jessica are coming as well.” 

“What? They want to see me one last time? In case I die?”

“No.” Harvey patiently said. “They want to come and wish you good luck.” 

“I thought I didn’t need good luck. You said that it is going to be fine.” 

“Just be nice to them.” Harvey sighed. 

“Fine.” Mike pouted. He wished he could get out of bed. He didn’t feel all that bad now, but Harvey wouldn’t let him leave the room. “You will trip and break your legs or something and then you will have to have more surgeries.” He said. 

It was a bit awkward when the others came. He didn’t really know what to say to them. They didn’t stay that long. Rachel looked like she was about to cry all the time and it made him uncomfortable, and he felt like crying himself then. Did they think that they were saying good bye to him? Rachel did hug him for a long time and kissed his cheek. 

“See you after Mike. I’ll wait for you.” 

He nodded. “See you later.” 

Jessica shook his hand and wished him good luck and Louis looked at him weirdly and then hugged him! Almost longer than Rachel had. Oh god. 

Donna was good at hiding if she was upset or not. In fact her good luck wishes were warm and sincere, and he believed her for a moment, when she said that he was going to be fine. “They will get it all. You will came out of there and beat this.” She said. 

After that Donna left a nurse came and told him that it was almost time. They prepared him a bit and then the nurse left. That’s when it hit him with full force. Something happened in him as soon as she closed the door behind her. He felt himself tense, and his eyes widen. It was really happening. In less than an hour he would be cut open. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to do this anymore. 

“I don’t want to do it.” He said to Harvey that was still in the room with him. He immediately put his phone away that he discreetly had been looking at from the corner of the room while Mike had his other visitors there. 

“Mike.” He said as he came up to him. “You know you have to.” 

“But I don’t want to do it anymore.” He felt like a four year old, but didn’t care. He didn’t want to die!

Harvey nodded a little. “And what will happen if you don’t do it?” He asked then. 

Mike felt like crying. Harvey was right. Same fate waited for him if he didn’t do it. Except then it would be for sure. He nodded. “Okay.” He said. 

Harvey sat down next to him on the edge of his bed. “It’s okay to be scared Mike. I know I am.” He said quietly. 

“Okay.” Mike said again and inhaled deeply in an attempt to calm himself down a bit. Harvey sat there after that and spoke quietly to him. He was starting to relax some. Everything was going to be okay if Harvey was there. He could feel the weight of the older man forcing the mattress down a bit. He could feel the warmth from Harvey against his leg. It grounded him. At this moment everything was okay. Harvey was there. Nothing was going to happen then. Harvey had said so before. Harvey would help him. Mike needed help now. He needed reassurance. 

He was barely aware of the nurses that came into the room and said that they were ready for him. What he did notice was that Harvey got up from the edge of the bed, and he didn’t know what he had done wrong. Mike didn’t understand why Harvey was leaving. He didn’t want him to leave! He couldn’t leave! It was all the occupied his entire being, the thought of being alone, without Harvey. 

“No, no, no, no Harvey please don’t go.” 

“Mike…”

“No don’t go! I need you here.” 

Harvey sat down again and waved a little at the nurses. He took Mike’s hand in his and Mike latched on for all he was worth. Maybe if he just held on hard enough he wouldn’t go? If he just would stay, everything would be alright. He wouldn’t have to think about all the bad things that lay ahead. If Harvey just stayed his panic wouldn’t erupt, and it wouldn’t be unbearable. If Harvey stayed he could keep it together. That hole he had in his chest wouldn’t grow. He held Harvey’s hand as hard as he could. He thought that Harvey was squeezing back a bit. His other hand was on Mike’s as well. 

“Please, please stay… Don’t go…I’ll do anything you want.” He whispered. “Anything. Don’t leave yet.” 

He was aware of the fact that it probably wasn’t anything he could do that Harvey would want, but he had to try everything he had at the moment. 

“Mike, come on! Stop.” Harvey said slowly. 

“Okay.” Mike stuttered out. He couldn’t make Harvey mad. He released his grip on Harvey’s hand in case the other man wanted to let go.

“Mike, come on, don’t do this now.”

“But I don’t know what I did… I don’t know, Harvey. Please…”

“But Mike, you didn’t do anything. It’s okay. It’s okay. You did nothing wrong. It’ll be okay.” 

Harvey let go of his hand. 

“But I don’t understand…” He had to try to, if Harvey would just explain. Then he would be able to do something.

“What doesn’t you understand?” Harvey was still there.

“Why you’re leaving.” He tried to wipe the tears out of his eyes. His view of Harvey was getting blurry. “What did I do wrong?” He just had to know. If he knew maybe he would be able to avoid it in the future too. It seemed as it was too late now. “If you just tell me…” He sounded pathetic, he knew that. But he just felt so shity at the moment. He was so scared of what was coming.

“Mike, listen to me. You haven’t done anything wrong, okay? Nothing. And you don’t have to do anything.”

“But…but…” He had to paus to cough. Not that he knew what he was going to say anyway. 

“Mike, stop and think for a moment will you?” Harvey kindly said. “I have to go now. I can’t go with you. But I’m going to wait for you until you are done. I’ll be with you as soon as I can. I promise you.”

“But I’m afraid.” Mike whispered. It felt like the room was spinning, like he was going to fall out of bed. 

“I know kid. I know. But don’t be. You will get through it. I’m proud of you.” 

Harvey took his hand again. “Do you understand?” He asked and they locked eyes. Harvey looked calm and kind. And Mike did understand. He wiped his eyes again and nodded. He drew a few breaths and nodded again. He was ready. As ready as he would be at least. It wouldn’t get better than this. He needed to do this, and Harvey had his back. Harvey was proud of him! The others were waiting for him as well. He could do it. He let go of Harvey’s hand. 

“Okay.” He said. Aimed at both Harvey and the nurse next to him. They started to roll his bed towards the door. Harvey came with them out in the hallway, but was forced to stop a while later. He couldn’t follow them any longer. Harvey smiled and nodded at him and Mike smiled back. He could do it. 

He wasn’t that aware of what happened after that. He came into the operation room and was introduced to a bunch of people that would assist with his operation. He didn’t say much and tried not to think to much either. When a mask was put over his face he closed his eyes and hoped that he would open them again. 

– SUITS –

Harvey took a seat next to Donna in the waiting room. Louis and Rachel were there as well. Jessica had said that she would be back later.  
Harvey had a hard time believing that it had come to this. Of course he knew that it was happening, but still, Mike was having heart surgery at this moment. 

He had spent the whole morning with Mike. They hadn’t talked much before Mike had freaked out and said that he didn’t want to do the operation. Harvey had dreaded that, and what he would tell Mike, but it had worked out fine. Apparently he had said the right things because Mike had calmed down. All they had to do now was wait. 

The risk involving the operation were huge. There was a chance that Mike wouldn’t make it out of there. It scared Harvey. It scared him that Mike had to undergo open heart surgery and that changes were huge that something might happen during it or because of it. But there were also the chance that Mike still wouldn’t make it. Oh god, he did not want to think about this. It was just so hard not to. Mike had been so scared too. It had pained him immensely to tell the kid that he couldn’t go with him and that Mike had to do this alone. But as soon as he could he would be by the kid’s side. Because Mike was going to be fine. 

There they all were now, waiting. Donna and Harvey had been there the entire day of course, but it was great to see the others there for Mike as well. They had all gotten to see Mike before he went into the surgery. As it was now, Rachel was crying quietly, silent tears dripping from her eyes. Donna had an arm around her shoulders. Louis was staring at the floor, oblivious of everything else going on around him. 

Harvey felt kind of numb. 

To just sit there and wait for four to six hours was exhausting. After two hours they went to get something to eat after making sure that they would be called if something happened. No one spoke much and that was fine with Harvey. It felt good to have them there though. It would have been much worse if he was alone. 

It took five and a half hour, Mike’s operation. As soon as Harvey saw the surgeon walking towards him he knew that it was about Mike. He stood up. The surgeon stopped in front of them all and then he smiled and it felt like stones were lifted from Harvey’s chest. Thank god for that smile. 

“I would like to tell you that Mike made it out of the surgery without any major complications.” The surgeon said. “As we speak he is being transferred to the ICU where he will remain for at least 24 hours.” 

“And how did it go?” Harvey asked. 

The surgeon wasn’t smiling anymore. 

– SUITS –

 

Thank you for reading and for all the comments and kudos! I really appreciate it! And sorry for the cliff-hanger :)


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41. 

The surgeon didn’t answer immediately and Harvey asked again. ”How did it go?” 

“Well, as you know Mike has heart cancer and there is a delicate procedure to operate on the heart. Unfortunately we weren’t able to remove all the part of Mike’s heart that is affected by the cancer cells.”

“So what are you saying? You didn’t get it all?” 

“That is correct. We deemed it too risky to try and remove everything.”

“What are you talking about?!” Harvey exclaimed. “You just left it there? What the hell kind of doctors are you?” 

“Harvey…” Donna’s voice stopped him. He looked at her and saw that all color of her face was gone. He calmed down a bit at that. 

“As I was saying the risk were too great. We made the decision of not to try. It would have meant a harder procedure than we were prepared for, and also a much longer one. Mike isn’t strong enough to go through that right now.” 

Harvey rubbed his face and drew his hands through his hair. Shit! This was going to hit the kid hard. Somehow Harvey had the impression that Mike believed that the cancer would be gone if he just survived the surgery. They hadn’t really talked much about what might happen after the surgery if it wasn’t successful. 

“What now?” Harvey asked feeling almost desperate. 

“In much the operation was successful, and there are other steps to take now. Hope is not lost. Another surgery might be an option further ahead. As for now we want to make sure that Mike doesn’t develop any post-op complications and remains stable. There were some scares during the procedure that I would like to discuss with you later on. Mike is doing as well as he can at the moment, his condition is stable but we are working hard to keep him that way.” 

“When can we see him?” Donna asked. Rachel was holding her hand. 

“Not yet, but someone will come and get you when he is ready for you. Only one at the time though.” 

The surgeon left after that with a promise that he would speak more to them later. They waited some more after that. Harvey didn’t want to talk to the rest of them, but they spoke without him. Donna looked concerned at him from her seat, but he nodded towards her. He was fine. 

Mike was also fine. He was alive. He had made it out of the surgery and that was what was important. They needed to take one step at the time now. And this was one important step. At least some of the cancer cells were gone. He didn’t want to speculate much more, he needed hard facts. 

They got to see Mike in the ICU after that. Harvey was the first to go in and see him. Mike looked small and sick. Harvey had seen similar scenes before but it still scared him to see Mike like that. He was connected to three tubes in his chest now. A nurse explained that they were to help drain fluid from the area around Mike’s heart. He also had IV tubes and was connected to the usual heart monitor.

“He is doing well.” The nurse assured him. “He is receiving pain medications so he isn’t in any kind of pain.” It looked like she was right about that, because Mike did look calm, like he was just sleeping. 

He let the others into the room after that. Mike were going to be sedated during the night, so Harvey went home. He needed to get some real sleep. He was exhausted and managed to fall asleep, even though he had been sure that he wasn’t going to be able to. 

Harvey woke up in a panic at 5:47. He had been dreaming and it hadn’t been pleasant. He swore to himself when he realized that it only had been a dream. He found his phone and he no missed calls, thankfully. At this point that would only mean bad news. 

He knew it was pointless to try and fall back asleep so he showered, got dressed and went to the hospital. He was allowed into Mike’s room without any problems. Mike were going to be moved to his regular room in a few hours. The kid looked a bit worse than he had last night, and it got Harvey worried. However when he spoke to Mike’s doctor he was told that Mike was doing well. There hadn’t been any complications so far. They were worried about infections and would keep a close eye on the incision on Mike’s chest. They had to look out for any kind oozing or opening around the incision site as well as redness or warmth. All of that would indicate some kind of infection or problem that Mike didn’t need at the moment. Fever was another issue that they worried about. Harvey was also told that Mike might have problems with anxiety or depression after the surgery as well as possible memory loss or trouble concentrating and thinking clearly. All of which Harvey really hoped that Mike would be spared from. 

Mike had been sleeping when he arrived and remained so. It worried Harvey. He wanted the kid to wake up so that Harvey could see that he actually was okay.   
Mike’s doctor was there again and examined Mike and spoke to Harvey and Donna, who was there as well at that time, about the operation. He explained thoroughly every step of the procedure, and stopped to explain things when they didn’t understand. Harvey appreciated it a lot and after their talk he had a deeper understanding for as to why they chose to not try and remove all of the cancer from Mike’s heart. These surgeons were some of the best in the world, at least according to a nurse that came to tend to Mike, so Harvey figured that they knew what they were doing and if they didn’t want to continue with the procedure they probably had a good reason. It was confirmed when they spoke to Harvey and Donna. There were some part of Mike’s heart that they didn’t want to touch, do to possible complications. They just couldn’t risk it, since it could have killed Mike. This was better than that. All was better than that, because Mike was still alive and there was still hope. It had  
to be. 

Mike wasn’t really awake and aware for the two following days. Time passed slowly and Harvey made sure that Mike wasn’t alone, even though he mostly slept. Donna and Rachel would come and sit with him when Harvey couldn’t. Occasionally Louis showed up and stayed for an hour before he left again.   
Harvey was tired. He had slept badly for the few hours he spent at home while Rachel and then Donna stayed with Mike. When he arrived into Mike’s room he spoke to Donna for a while and hugged her back as she said good bye. He then sat down next to Mike. The kid was the same. Mike looked bad. His skin had a grayish tone. 

“Hey Mike.” Harvey quietly said. “Donna told me you have been sleeping all this time. You can’t sleep like this you know. It’s probably not good for you in some way. I’m sure someone had said so sometime. I kind of wished you would wake Mike.” He just spoke nonsense, Mike probably couldn’t hear him anyway. 

Harvey took a hold of Mike’s hand. It was cold and slack in his hand. He had been sitting like that for some time when he thought that he could feel Mike’s hand move. He urged Mike to open his eyes, to just wake up and talk to him. He thought that the other man could hear him. Harvey felt a surge of excitement as Mike’s eyelids flickered. 

“That’s it Mike. Come on, open your eyes.” 

The kid’s eyes actually opened but Harvey wasn’t sure if he was awake or at least aware. Harvey didn’t care much about that though, he just hoped Mike was aware of the fact that he wasn’t alone. 

“Mike?” Harvey whispered and squeezed his hand. 

Mike’s eyes flickered against him, and it looked like Mike fought to focus his eyes on Harvey’s. His lips moved but no sounds came out. 

“It’s okay, Mike. Don’t talk. It’s okay. You don’t have to talk. Just rest. I’m here. ” Harvey smiled at him. Mike amazingly did what he asked and fell back asleep. 

Those episodes happened more frequently after that. Mike would sleep for hours just to open his eyes and blink tiredly before closing them again. With time he seemed to be able to focus more and more. When he was awake he didn’t stay that way for more than a few minutes at the time. He would mumble some incoherent words, look at his visitor and then fall asleep again. He would even sleep through the tests his nurses and doctors did on him. 

Harvey spent some time at the office, but couldn’t really concentrate and just felt bad so instead he brought work with him to the hospital and worked form there. He had managed to convince a nurse to bring him a small table into Mike’s room that he could work from. He was in the middle of the case, with files spread out around him, three piles on Mike’s bed, across the kid’s legs. He was sleeping anyway and didn’t complain. That was when Mike woke up and was a bit more coherent. 

“Har…vey?” 

”Hey Mike. Nice to see you awake. Are you aware too?” 

“What?” Mike blinked up at him. 

“Never mind. How are you feeling?” 

Mike’s eyes slipped closed and he only answered after a moment. “I don’t know.” 

Harvey nodded. “You can go back to sleep if you like.” He said. He thought Mike did what he said and went back to his files, but a few minutes later Mike stirred. 

“What’s that?” 

Harvey looked up and saw that Mike was eyeing the files that still was spread across Mike’s legs. 

“Some of us still has to work, you know.” He smiled. 

Mike tiredly rolled his eyes. “I have heart surgery and when I’m passed out, you use me as a table?” he made several pauses while he spoke as to catch his breath. 

“I didn’t hear you complain.” Harvey smirked. 

“I am now.”

“No, you’re not.” Harvey smiled. ”Seriously Mike. How are you feeling?”

“I’m really tired. And sore.”

“You in any pain?”

Mike seemed to investigate that, but shook his head. “I think I’m good.” 

“How are you?” He asked after a minute. 

“I’m good Mike. I’m really good.”

“Okay.” Mike smiled a bit. “Is it gone?” He asked then and Harvey’s own smile disappeared. He had feared that question. He didn’t want to answer it. He knew that it would probably crush the kid. 

“Mike, you know it’s not that easy.” He carefully said. Mike just looked at him and waited. ”I think we should wait for your doctor.” Harvey said next. He knew that he was a coward. He knew that he was waiting for someone else to come and be the bearer of the bad news, but he didn’t care. Mike didn’t fall for it though. 

“What is it? Tell me what happened. How long was I out?” He seemed to be a bit better now. Their conversation woke him up a bit more. 

“It’s been a few days since your surgery.” 

“And?” Mike pressed on. 

”And, you made it through the surgery Mike. That’s great. That’s… I’m proud of you.”

Mike looked at him for a long time. “You are?” He said quietly. 

”Of course I am. You did great.” 

Mike yawed a bit and made himself a bit more comfortable on the bed. “You know I didn’t do anything right? I just laid there.” 

Harvey couldn’t help but roll his eyes at him. It was good to have Mike back. 

– SUITS –

Mike was pretty exhausted. It was tiring to keep a conversation running. Who knew? Harvey looked a bit worried when he asked about the operation. That was most definitely not a good sign. Harvey apparently didn’t want to talk about it so he decided that he should leave it alone for now. He could wait with knowing, even though dread filled him every time he thought about, which was basically like every waken moment. 

He was a bit more lucid now. Not super tired any more at least. He had been aware of time passing him by the last few days, but it had really been a struggle trying to stay awake long enough for him to make sense out of everything. That ability was starting to return to him now though. For good and for worse. It had been kind of nice to be that out of it. It made him free from thinking too much or to feel too much, which was a nice feeling to have, because mostly he felt bad. 

Now it was just waiting going on. A nurse had come by and said that she would let the doctor know that Mike was awake. It was nice that Harvey was there with him. He didn’t want to talk to the doctor alone. Harvey was so nice to him now. It was amazing. Harvey told him that Donna, Rachel, Louis and Jessica all had been by as well. That was nice as well. He couldn’t remember seeing them though, but went with Harvey’s words. 

He had no strength what so ever now. He barely had the energy to lift his own hand, let alone get out of bed. Harvey warned him not to even try. The nurse told him it would be better soon. That he would regain more strength as time passed. At the moment it felt impossible, he had been totally drained. They brought him a late lunch sometime after he woke up. His doctor and the surgeon would come by after that. 

He stared at the bowl of soup in front of him. He was only getting some light food since he hadn’t eaten steady food in days. Now they wanted him to try and eat, even though he told them he wasn’t hungry. Not hungry at all. But they didn’t care. 

”You have to eat any way. It’s good for you. It will help build your strength up.” 

Mike wondered if they had some kind of manual on what to say, that all the nurses had to learn. Or maybe it was true. He should maybe try. He didn’t feel nauseated. Just so extremely weak. He wasn’t going to be able to feed himself. That totally sucked. He glanced over at Harvey. He was looking at his papers again. Mike’s head hurt from just looking at it. He would not be able to read a single sentence that he was sure of. 

“Are you eating that?” Harvey asked him without looking up from his work. 

“Not hungry.”

“Are you feeling like you are going to throw up?” 

“No.” 

“Then eat anyway.” Harvey ordered him. Mike rolled his eyes but Harvey didn’t notice. Mike looked back at the bowl of soup and the spoon. It seemed like an impossible task at the moment to lift his hand with the spoon to his mouth. How was he supposed to do that? He tried. And failed. He tried again. He almost tipped the bowl over. He swallowed hard. He was getting upset. Why the hell wouldn’t his hand cooperate? He tried again to lift his hand, but it shook so much that he had trouble even grasping the spoon. He felt tears of frustration rise, but refused to let them fall. He was just about to push it all away, he wasn’t doing this, when Harvey spoke. 

“You need help with that?” 

Mike looked at him for a moment then looked away. He did not want Harvey to feed him! “No.” He mumbled. 

“It’s fine Mike. You just had surgery. You just woke up. It’s okay to be weak.”

“I’m not weak.” He started to say, but that was so much of a lie that he almost laughed. That was all he was. 

“Your body is.” Harvey corrected himself. Then he shuffled closer and to Mike’s horror he grabbed both the bowl and the spoon, and turned to Mike.   
Mike shook his head all he could. “No… Harvey no.” He tried. He was ignored. Harvey held up a spoon to his mouth. ”No.” Mike repeated and Harvey removed the spoon. He seemed to be thinking for a while before he held it up again. 

“If it was me, if I had open heart surgery and I couldn’t eat by myself afterwards, would you let me go hungry or would you help me?” He asked.

Mike sighed. ”Help you.” He whispered and just opened his mouth. He didn’t look at Harvey. 

“Thought so.” Harvey said. “Look, I know this sucks. It really does, but it is what it is. I’m helping you out.”

Mike didn’t speak. 

”You will have to return the favor for me later,” Harvey went on and brought him another spoon. “You know, when I’m at some home and in my nineties and can’t do anything anymore.” 

It made Mike smile a little. “Fine.” 

The day did not get better from that point on. Mike sneaked in a nap after eating almost half of the bowl, but was waken shortly after. It was now two people sitting next to his bed. Harvey was standing on the other side of the bed and had been the one who woke him.

“Hi Mike, sorry to have to wake you up like this, but we wanted to talk about your surgery. This is Dr. Stenmark, your main surgeon, remember him?”   
Mike nodded. His bed had been pushed higher up so that he was almost sitting up, he still felt at some kind of disadvantage, he just didn’t know what kind. Well, he could barely hold his own head up, that was one. 

He was dreading to hear what these people were going to tell him. It couldn’t be good news because then Harvey would have been fine with telling him about it. They started to tell him how it had gone, what they had been trying to do and had done for the most part. 

“So you are saying that there is still parts of my heart that are infected?”

“Yes Mike, that’s basically it.” The doctor clarified. 

“So it’s still there?” 

A nod. 

“So it didn’t work?”

He knew that he was repeating everything he had just told them, but he had to make sure. 

“It did work, just not to the extent that we were aiming for.”

“So still have cancer then!?”

“Yes you do, I’m afraid.”

“So I’m still going to die?” He exclaimed. “You did it for nothing!” He was getting worked up. Apparently he had more energy than he thought. 

They tried to reassure him that it was still hope, he couldn’t give up, and said that this was just one step, there were more to take. He wasn’t really listening though, he knew that he should because it was probably important, but he couldn’t let go of the thought that it hadn’t worked. 

Harvey seemed to have noticed that he was zooning out, because he suddenly nudged his shoulder. 

“What?” He asked, confused. But then turned to the doctors. “It really didn’t work?”

“It’s not a matter of working or not, Mr. Ross.” His surgeon said. “In all I have to say it was a successful surgery, it’s just that we didn’t manage as much as we would have wanted.” 

Mike wanted to scream at him. “I still have cancer! I’m still screwed. You failed!” he roared. 

“Mike.” Harvey warned him, but Mike ignored him. 

“Why the hell didn’t you get it all? You were supposed to get it all!” He did yell the last part. He didn’t care if he was being rude. He wanted to be mad. They were supposed to save him. It was supposed to work, and he was supposed to be okay. But that hadn’t happen and he felt that he had the right to be angry, to be disappointed. 

“I’m sorry, Mike. I know this is hard to hear.” Dr. Lundin said. 

“Hard to hear. Screw you! You were supposed to get it. You said that first I would do the chemo and then a surgery, now you tell me it didn’t work. I don’t want to do this anymore. You were supposed to…” He stopped. What was he doing? He breathed hard. Nothing was going to be better because he screamed at these people. They were all looking at him with pity. The surgeon looked pretty upset too. He felt himself tear up. Damn it! He didn’t want them to look at him like that. He felt vulnerable laying down like this. He wanted them gone. Now. 

“Leave.” He breathed. No one moved. “Get out! Get the hell out!” He yelled and the surgeon closed his eyes for a moment as Mike yelled. A small part of Mike felt guilt. Dr. Lundin nodded though, and told him that he would be back later. They left after that. 

“Wow.” Harvey said next to him. Mike glared at him. “You want me to get out too, or…?”

“No!” 

“Okay.” Harvey said and stayed where he was. “Ehm… Do you want to talk or…?”

“No. Give me a minute.” 

Harvey nodded and Mike allowed himself to ignore him for just a bit. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. His chest hurt. He wanted to cry, but didn’t. Oh god, it hadn’t worked. He somehow had had the thought, or wish deep inside him that had been thinking that it would have. He had kept thinking it that he would be the one that was going to beat the odds, that he somehow would live. But it didn’t seem like that was going to happen. He had just wished so much for it to just work, for it to be over so that he could get better. He wished that he could start to feel better, not feel so pathetic and helpless all the time. He didn’t want to spend any more time at the hospital with all their pitiful looks and endless tests. Why couldn’t it had worked?

Mike felt numb. Frozen. He just laid there staring into nothing, trying to hold his thoughts at bay until Harvey moved next to him. He stood up and then came and sat down next to Mike on the edge of his bed. Mike turned his head to look at him. Harvey looked tired. His hair was a bit messy and it looked like he could use a shave. Mike opened his mouth to speak. 

”It didn’t work Harvey.” Mike stated quietly after they had like that for a minute. 

Harvey didn’t answer him at first. “I know Mike.” He eventually quietly said. “I’m so sorry.”

“It didn’t work.” Mike found himself repeating. “It didn’t work.” Oh god, he was going to lose it now. He suddenly wished Harvey would hug him, not just sit there. He wished Donna was there, she would get it. He felt tears come to his eyes. His word got blurry. He drew a shaky breathe. 

“I’m sorry Mike.” Harvey said again. 

“Where is Donna?” He asked, because Harvey was still just sitting there. 

“Eh…she is… I don’t know.” Harvey said. “Do you want me to get her?” 

“I don’t want you to go.” Mike said. 

“Okay.” Harvey quietly said. 

“I thought that it would work. Or I was hoping, I thought… you know?”

“I thought so too.”

Mike reached out for him then. Screw it. If Harvey didn’t get it, he would just have to do it himself. Because right now, Mike was seconds from breaking apart. He couldn’t handle it. Worst was the disappointment. And that also made him feel stupid and naïve. He wanted to forget it for a moment. He wanted comfort. He wanted to feel just a little bit better. Now. 

Harvey looked confused for a second and then took Mike’s hand in his. Mike pulled. He reached for Harvey with his other hand too, the one that still was in a cast. 

“Oh.” Harvey said quietly and then he got it. He let go of Mike’s hand. “Wait.” He smiled. He then reached over and made Mike’s bed rise, then he sat down closer to Mike and put his hands on Mike’s shoulder. “Okay. Come here kid.” He whispered. Mike felt how Harvey pulled him up towards him. He was still too weak to be of any help. Soon he was leaning against Harvey and Mike put his arms around the older man, and relaxed. He cried then. He allowed himself to do that. Because at least Harvey was nice to him, and was here. He still had Harvey. Even if he still was dying, at least Harvey was with him. 

– SUITS –

Harvey could feel how Mike was trembling against him. His shoulder was starting to feel a bit wet. Mike was crying. Harvey chose to not say anything. He thought it was enough that he just hugged the kid. His heart ached for Mike. He didn’t know if anything he said would help him at this time. Mike needed time to handle the bad news before they could move on. Because that was exactly what they were going to do. This was just a setback that they would have to deal with. But Mike had the right to be upset about it, because Harvey was too. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes until it was out of Mike’s system, he became calmer. He was leaning a bit more heavily against Harvey, like he was drained. 

“Yeah?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Mike confirmed, and Harvey helped him to lean back on the bed. Harvey nodded.

“It’s okay.” He said and saw that Mike understood that he meant what had just happened and nothing else. 

“I don’t know what to do now.” Mike said.

“I’m sure your doctor have a plan.”

Mike laughed a little at that. “Of course he does. Probably five of them.”

“Yes, he seems persistent.”

“You think he is pissed that I yelled at him?” 

“I think he can take it. Probably happens to him all the time.”

“Yeah… you think I should apologize?”

“No. I kind of think he deserved it. You did good.” 

Mike smiled again. 

“You want to talk about it?” Harvey asked. He was prepared to do so but Mike shook his head. 

“No, I don’t want to think about it anymore right now.”

Harvey could understand that. “I get that. If you want to do it later though…” 

“Thanks.” 

Harvey nodded. He then took a seat at his chair again. Mike seemed fine with it. His eyes were half way closed, and he blinked slowly. 

“You want to get some sleep?” Harvey asked.

“Yeah. I’m exhausted.” He didn’t close his eyes though.

“Can you stay?” Mike asked then. 

”Of course. You don’t have to ask.” 

”I don’t want to die alone.” Mike whispered then with closed eyes, and even if Harvey couldn’t help but feel a twitch in his heart at that he answered immediately. 

“You won’t. I’m here.”

”Thank you Harvey. Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me Mike.” Harvey shook his head. He didn’t want Mike to talk like that. He just didn’t want to hear it, but he let him speak because Mike needed the reassurance that Harvey would be there if it came to it, but he didn’t want to be thanked for it. He had to add it though. 

“You are not going to die.” 

Mike didn’t answer or open his eyes. Harvey had to quell the urge to shake him. He wasn’t sure if Mike was asleep or not. What if he hadn’t heard it? What if he would think that Harvey though he was going to die? Screw it. Mike could fall back asleep. He leaned forward and shook his shoulder. 

“What?” Mike blinked at him. 

“Did you hear?” 

“Yes, Harvey.” 

”Good.” Harvey leaned back in his chair. ”Go to sleep.” 

Mike tiredly rolled his eyes before closing them and soon his breaths evened out. It was first then that Harvey allowed himself to relax as well. He then texted Donna to see when she was going to stop by. The two of them could use her company for a bit. He watched as Mike was sleeping as he waited for her reply. It would be really nice if she was there too, then they could all share this together. It was too much for just one person. Too much for him and too much for Mike. At least at this moment. Harvey could handle it, but everyone needs a break once in a while. He just wished Mike could have one too. 

Donna arrived thirty minutes later. She came and hugged him and he hugged her back. Busy day. 

“How is he?” Donna asked and sat down in Harvey’s chair leaving him to get another one. 

“He needed sleep.” Was all Harvey could think of to say. 

“Oh, that bad. So he knows now?”

“He knows.”

“How did he take it?”

“He was crushed. He yelled at them. Cried. ”

Donna nodded sadly, she didn’t take her eyes of Mike. “What are we going to do Harvey?” She quietly asked. 

“We keep being here for him, that’s what we do. It’s all he wants, I think.” 

They kept talking for some time, then sat in silence, talked some more. They moved away when a nurse came to check on Mike, but didn’t leave the room. However Mike didn’t wake up, so it was fine. Harvey was kind of ashamed for being relieved that Mike kept sleeping. He didn’t want Mike to wake up again to realize that he still was a very sick man. It had almost seemed to have been too much for the kid. Mike had actually initiated a hug because of it. He couldn’t remember a time when Mike had done that before. He had told Donna about the hug and she told him that she was proud of him for it. He was. He hadn’t known that he even had that side of him inside. But apparently Mike had managed to draw it out of him. 

When Mike did wake up he was feeling a bit better. He was glad that Donna was there and she received a hug as well. Donna and Mike talked for a long time giving Harvey the opportunity to go and make some calls and get something to eat. 

Mike slept much. He woke up in the middle of his second night in pain. Harvey was sleeping on a cot placed in the corner next to the window. Mike had woken him by calling his name. Harvey drunkenly sat up and made his way over closer to Mike’s bed. 

”What’s up?” He asked. He turned a light on and as soon as he saw Mike he pushed the call button. Mike’s body was tense like a board and he was drenched in sweat, face flushed. Something was really wrong. Mike had his eyes screwed shut in pain. 

“Hey, what is it? What hurts?” Harvey asked and tried to make contact. Mike made some undistinctive sound and the next moment a nurse was there and injected something into his IV. It had been chest pains. “Like the worst ever” Mike had described them. They had him on morphine now to help battle the pain. They said it was normal after a surgery like’s Mike to be in pain afterward. Neither the pain nor the morphine made Mike’s day any better. Though the drugs made him a bit loopy. Harvey preferred that than seeing Mike in so much pain that he didn’t even want to talk. It was really hard seeing him like that. 

During one of those morphine highs a nurse came and explained that he was there to remove Mike’s cast his hand from the shooting. 

“Oh, really? Finally!” Was Mike’s response on that. The process of removing the cast didn’t take long and Mike carefully lifted his hand as soon as it was gone to inspect it. It had healed nicely but Harvey couldn’t help but gasp a little when he saw the scar remaining on Mike’s hand. He would have that for the rest of his life as a reminder of that day. It was a circular scar, it almost looked like a burn mark, on both sides of his hand. After all the bullet had gone through his hand. 

“Can you stretch out your fingers?” The nurse asked and reached for Mike’s arm. They all watched as Mike slowly straightened out his fingers as asked.

“Yes, it feels a bit weird though.” 

“That’s because you have had them in the same position for so long. What we need to determine is if you have any nerve damage or not.” 

“What? Is that a possibility?” Mike asked. ”I don’t that!” 

“You will see a physical therapist later that will work with you. But are you in any pain?” 

“No.”

“That’s a good sign.” The nurse smiled and told them that the therapist would be by later in the afternoon. 

“Does it feel nice to get rid of that thing?” Harvey asked.

“If it does! It’s great.”

”You have some scars though.” Harvey carefully noted.

Mike studied his hand closer. ”But they are kind of cool though, aren’t they?” He mused. “If someone ask, I’ll just say, it’s a gunshot wound, no big deal.”   
Harvey shook his head at Mike’s excitement, but Mike went on. 

“It’s too bad that it’s in my hand though, that’s not that cool. It would be more bad-ass if it was on my chest or something.” 

“Well, you do have another scar there.” Harvey nodded towards Mike chest where he still wore a dressing from the heart surgery. It was just three days ago, and they came at least twice a day to check on the incision. 

Mike tried to look down on it. “Yeah, I forgot about that.” He mumbled. “You think that will look cool though?” He asked worriedly. 

Harvey had to stop himself from rolling his eyes at him. “Yes, really cool Mike.”

“You really think so? It’s so big. I was thinking it might be a bit much, maybe a bit repulsing instead, you know with the ladies.” 

“No, it’s good.” Harvey tried. ”You can always try it out on the nurses.” 

“Harvey…” Mike groaned. ”They know.” 

”Yeah, you are right. Too bad.”

“Yeah…” Mike agreed. He looked like he was thinking hard. “I could tell people I got stabbed. That’s cooler than heart surgery.” He blinked slowly. 

”Don’t worry kid. You are very cool.” Harvey told him. Mike was about to pass out. His energy drained fast when he was on morphine. He smiled though. “Yeah…I knew it.” 

Mike was asleep five minutes later. Donna came by while Mike was sleeping. She had a bag with her and explained that she was going to stay with Mike a few days now. Harvey could head home or go to the office if he wanted to. 

Mike was glad that Donna was there and did his best to hug her. She noticed his hand. 

“Oh you have had your cast removed.” She exclaimed. 

“Yes I did. What do you think?” Mike held up his hand. 

“Oh my god.” Donna said and Mike’s face fell. 

“Isn’t cool?” Harvey tried.

“What? No, it’s awful.” Donna inspected his hand closer. “Oh Mike I’m so sorry.” 

“But…” Mike said.

“Mike thinks it’s cool.” Harvey smirked and met Donna’s eyes.

“Oh…” she raised an eyebrow at Harvey, Mike was busy with miserably inspecting his hand. “Well, it is a gunshot wound after all. It has a certain appeal.” She added and he looked up. 

“Yeah, right! I told you Harvey.” 

“Right.” 

As it got later Harvey was staring to think about leaving so he brought it up with Mike.

“Are you asking for my permission to leave?” He asked, grinning. 

“I don’t want you to have a meltdown because I do.”

“Oh, come on. That’s not cool…” Mike complained. ”But I’ll be fine Harvey. I know you will come back.” Mike said. 

Harvey nodded. ”Of course I will. Call me if there is anything.” 

“Oh just leave, will you? Mike and I have lots to do.” Donna ushered him out and Mike laughed. 

“What? I’m not invited?” 

”No you’re not.”

”Bye Harvey.” Mike waved, with his left hand. When Harvey left he actually felt good about it. The constant worry that lived in him now a days were almost entirely quelled. He still gave Mike a call later that evening. Everything was still fine. 

A few days passed. Harvey got caught up on some cases and got some stuff done while Donna was at the hospital with Mike. He dropped by at lunch the next day. Mike was doing better and got stronger, had more energy. He still hadn’t been out of bed, but he could sit up and was awake for longer periods of time. However, five days after his surgery they had a setback. 

That morning Mike took a long time waking up, and Harvey noticed that the morning nurse seemed to be a bit worried. He asked her what was wrong, but she only told him that she was going to get Mike’s doctor there. 

Mike was groggy when he was awaken and then proceed with throwing up. Harvey was left to wait in Mike’s room as they took him away for some test. Mike was pretty miserable when he came back. 

“This sucks.” He mumbled and closed his eyes. 

”Yeah, tell me about it.” Harvey sighed. 

”It’s hard to breathe.” Mike said, and the nurse that was still there soon got him hooked up on a nasal cannula. She mentioned for Harvey to come closer to Mike. 

“He had a rough time earlier. He is pretty nauseated, so if you keep this ready for him it would be great.” She mentioned for an emesis basin on the small table next to the bed. 

“Yeah, sure.” Harvey promised. 

The rest of the day was not pleasant for either of them. Mike did threw up a couple of times and the rest of the time he tried to sleep. Harvey let him hold his hand and Mike held on to it and wouldn’t let go. He didn’t speak much and Harvey quietly spoke to him, not demanding answers. Donna stopped by as well and spent an hour stroking Mike’s head. He thanked her a bunch of times. Harvey got a few thanks as well. He could admire Mike for that. Feeling that bad but still managing to thank them and letting them know that he appreciated them being there. 

– SUITS –


	42. Chapter 42

Mike tried desperately to go back to sleep. He didn’t feel like crap when he was sleeping. He almost wished that he could be sedated, because it was him feeling like crap that kept him from falling asleep. It was just a bad circle. 

It felt like if he just moved his head a tiny bit he would throw up, it was that bad. He was so uncomfortable as well, his body felt sore and too hot. He was sweating, but he didn’t want to get changed because that involved way too much moving around. His chest felt itchy as well. He wanted to scratch, but he had some sort of wires there, that he didn’t dare to touch. What if he accidentally pulled something out, that made stuff worse? He did not want that, although it probably wasn’t possible, but you couldn’t be sure.

Yesterday hadn’t been any better. He had spent the day throwing up. Donna had been there as well as Harvey of course. Harvey was there now too. He didn’t know where Donna was. He was pretty sure that she had been there earlier. 

“Harvey?” He asked and turned his head slowly and carefully to watch as the older man put down the magazine he had been reading. 

“Yeah? What? You need to puke?” 

”Not at the moment.”

”What’s up then?” 

”What day is it?” He asked. 

”Eh…”Harvey let out a sigh and thought for a moment. “I’m pretty sure it’s Wednesday.” He said. 

“Oh.” 

“Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering how long I have been here.”

“Too long if you ask me.” Harvey said and looked back down on his magazine.

“What are you reading?” 

Harvey glanced at him and then turned the paper around to look. “National Geographic, apparently. I raided the waiting room. This was the best I could find.” 

”Why aren’t you working?”

Harvey shrugged his shoulders. At first Mike thought that he wasn’t going to answer. ”I have other things on my mind than work.” He said then. 

Mike nodded, which turned out to be a big mistake. He groaned, screwing his eyes shut. He felt how Harvey grabbed his shoulder and held on to him. 

“Just breathe through it. It’ll pass.” He said quietly and Mike tried to do what he said. 

“Anything I can do?” Harvey asked. ”You want me to lower your bed? It might help some.”

“Yeah.” 

He groaned again at the movement of the bed, but it actually felt a bit better to lie more flat. When he got himself together a bit more after a few minutes he looked over at Harvey again. He was reading again. 

“Read out loud.” He said. 

Harvey glanced at him with a raised eyebrow. “You want me to read to you?” 

“Yes?”

Harvey rolled his eyes. ”I’m not going to read to you.” He turned his attention back toward the magazine. A feeling of disappointment rushed through Mike immediately. He swallowed hard. He tried to will the lump in his throat away. Tried to focus on something else either than the feeling of nausea, the itching in his chest, the headache, the weird aching in his hand. 

“As we finally got the door open we couldn’t believe our eyes, dr. Julia Abrahamsson explained as we made our way closer to the opening to the cave. This was a place that had laid untouched by humans for at least five hundred years…” 

Mike blinked his eyes opened in confusion at Harvey’s words. However Harvey didn’t pay him any attention. He just kept reading. He didn’t offer any explanation about what it was he was reading about since he clearly had started in a middle of an article, but Mike didn’t mind. He welcomed the distraction as he closed his eyes again and listened to Harvey’s voice. 

Harvey had read through almost half the magazine when the door opened and Donna stopped just inside the door. Mike felt a little bit better by now, and he smiled a bit towards her. 

“Ohh…” She sighed. ”You are reading to him. That’s so sweet Harvey.” 

Harvey waved the magazine towards Mike. “He talked me into it!” 

Donna looked like they just made her day and sat down on Mike’s other side. She took his hand in hers and started to stroke it. It felt nice. 

“Don’t let me interrupt.” 

Harvey glared at them. “I’m not reading to the both of you.” He made to put it down. 

“Oh come on, you weren’t finished.” Mike complained. 

Harvey shook his head in faked annoyance. “I’m just finishing this because I want to know if they make it to the top or not.” 

Mike and Donna smiled at each other as he continued. Mike found that he didn’t feel as bad anymore. Actually he felt pretty good. 

When Mike woke up again Harvey and Donna were seated at the small table in the corner of his room eating. He wanted to turn on his side, since his back was hurting. However he couldn’t and immediately felt frustrated. His body wouldn’t cooperate. He swore.

”You good?” Harvey called to him, not getting up. Donna did though. ”What can I do?” She asked. 

“Side.” He grunted. He got frustrated when she didn’t understand what he meant. She thought his side was hurting and asked if she should get his doctor. 

“No, dammit. I want to turn on my side.” 

”Say that then.” Harvey said. 

He knew that it hadn’t been on purpose at all, when Donna put pressure on his incision site. She had just been trying the brace him and stop him from falling over on his stomach. But as her hand connected to his wound he couldn’t help but yelp in pain and push her hand away. 

“Oh, what the hell!” He exclaimed. ”What are you doing?” 

“Oh god Mike, I’m so sorry.” She started to apologize and touched his arm, he shrugged her off. “Don’t touch me.” 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. He didn’t care. It still hurt. It was pulsating and the nausea started to make itself known once more. He swore again. 

He heard how Donna mumbled that she was going to be right back, and the door closing. Harvey called after her. 

“What happened?” He asked a moment later as he came up to Mike’s bed. 

“She hurt me.” 

“She was helping you. You upset her. Was that really necessary Mike?” 

“Screw you Harvey, it wasn’t on purpose.” 

“Yeah, well you are going to have to apologize to her.” Harvey took a few steps towards the door but stopped. “I have to go after her.” He said, but didn’t move. 

”No, you don’t. She will come back later.”

“You do get that you hurt her feelings now right?”

“You are talking about hurting someone’s feelings?” Mike muttered. “She hurt me first.” 

“Not on purpose.” Harvey said. “I’ll be right back.” he said and walked towards the door. 

“No, wait.” Mike made to sit up surprisingly managing, but Harvey was already out. Damn! This sucked, he sat there for a moment before he started to feel really bad. He didn’t feel panicked about the fact that he was alone this time. It was just that he couldn’t reach that damn basin that he used to throw up in! He took a few deep breaths ignoring the fresh pain in his chest. 

“Harvey!” He called out. Oh no, he was going to be sick. He laid back down and breathed heavily through his mouth trying to will it away. It wasn’t going to work. Shit. No, no, no. He fumbled after the call button. Where the hell was it? He couldn’t find it. No, no, he didn’t want to throw up in bed. He felt tears appear as he in vain tried to reach the basin on the table next to him. If he only could reach it. 

He didn’t. 

He threw up as much to the side as he could, but it still got on him since he was laying down. It got on his pillow. He had it in his nose. The awful smell filled his nostrils. Damn it! He groaned as he tried to move away. Where was the call button? 

”Hello? I…I need help in here.” He called. Nothing happened. The door was closed and no one would be able to hear him unless they passed right outside his door. He let out a sob as he was forced to stay like that. It didn’t just suck that he was laying with his face in his own vomit, it felt so humiliating too. Someone would walk in and see him like this. He swore again. He wanted Harvey and Donna to come back. Why wouldn’t the nurses come? They walked in all the time normally, but not now when he actually wanted them too. 

He just felt so pathetic at moment, everything just came rushing over him again. All the bad thoughts and feelings that actually had stayed away for a few days. But this was just one of those moments when he just felt totally down. In once it just got too much. He was crying again, hating himself for doing so, but unable to stop it. And the operation hadn’t worked and he didn’t know what would happen now. He was probably dying. Maybe he never would leave the hospital. What if he would die like this? In pain, alone and suffocating on his own sick. Not that he thought that he was dying now, but there was a possibility. He didn’t want to die. He let out a moan and called again for the nurses. Then for Harvey. He didn’t care if he saw him like this now. 

What if Harvey wouldn’t come back? What if Donna was angry at him now? He had yelled at her. Why did he do that? He always messed up. What if she didn’t want to see him anymore. Maybe she wouldn’t want to come back now. He wiped his nose and mouth on the blanket, it didn’t get much better.   
Why would no one come? 

“Help me!” He called. He didn’t want to be like this anymore. He still felt sick. What if he threw up again? 

No one could hear him. He was at a damn hospital, at the cancer ward with fucking heart cancer, and no one bothered to check up on him. He needed someone here now! His phone! 

It was also on the table. He reached for it, but it was too far away. He would need to lean closer. If he kind of rolled over on his stomach he might be able to reach it. However that would mean that he would have to have his face over the vomit, and the thought made him gulp. He managed to get the blanket up on the pillow at least, and then rolled over. He let out another sob as he put pressure on his chest, his own arm pressing into it. It really hurt. But he managed to reach it. He rolled back on his side moaning and with shaking hands he dialed Harvey’s number. 

“Mike, hi. Look, it’s only been five minutes and I…” 

“Come back.” Was all Mike got out and he heard Harvey swear and then footsteps. Harvey wasn’t speaking to him when he said “Something is wrong, come on!” then he added directed to Mike this time “It’s okay, it’s okay Mike. I’m on my way. One minute.” 

Mike just tried not to sob on the phone, but didn’t really think he was that successful. Harvey had said that only had been gone for five minutes. That was ridiculous. It felt more like thirty-five. 

Harvey and Donna came rushing into the room the next moment and Mike let go of the phone. 

“Oh my god.” Donna breathed and almost ran up to him, the same did Harvey. “Shit, kid.” He was saying as Harvey found the call button on the first try. 

“I…I got sick.” Mike breathed out. ”I got sick. I couldn’t reach.” 

“Shhh, shhh. It’s okay. It’s okay, it’s okay.” Donna shushed him as Harvey went to the door to get someone. 

”I’m sorry Donna.” Mike whispered. ”Don’t stop coming.” He wished he could just pass out. He was humiliating himself more than ever. She looked so sad but also confused when she answered him. 

“I’m sorry too Mike, I’m so so sorry. Of course I’ll come.” He had forgotten that he just had been thinking that she wouldn’t want to come anymore, she had no idea what he was talking about. It made him feel even more stupid. He was shaking. Donna was stroking his face, apologizing and telling him he was going to be fine. He needed it to stop. He closed his eyes as a doctor and two nurses and Harvey flooded the room. He refused to open them, but someone did it for him, as they were talking to him. 

They cleaned him up, changed his sheets, blanket and pillow. They let him keep his t-shirt after they had checked his wound and just removed the hoodie he had been wearing. He felt could when they wrapped him in a new blanket. He wanted to go home. He didn’t want these people he didn’t know change his clothes and wipe his face clean. He wanted to do that himself. He wanted to be able to do that. That wasn’t the case now. He was just laying there letting them take care of him. He felt so down. He constantly had tears in his eyes. He wouldn’t look at Harvey or Donna. It felt like it just would get worse if he did. 

He wanted to be left alone, as the same time as he didn’t. He wished for his bed in Harvey’s place. He wanted to go there. 

Things calmed down around him. Only Harvey and Donna was there. Donna sat on a chair close to his bed, she stroke his head with one hand and his arm with the other. He just looked up at the ceiling. Harvey was on his other side. After a minute Harvey removed Mike’s hand from its grasp on the blanket, and he took it in his own. Mike didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know if they were angry at him. If they thought that he was pathetic who was crying like a damn child. He wasn’t even in that much pain anymore, almost nothing. 

“Can you breathe alright?” Harvey asked and he nodded. His nose was kind of stuffed though, but he didn’t tell Harvey that. 

“I’m sorry Mike. It’s all my fault.” Donna said quietly. He dared to look over at her and saw that she had tears in her eyes too. He shook his head. 

“No…no, it’s mine. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry.” 

”Just stop Mike.” Harvey said. ”It’s not your fault.” 

“No, it’s not.” Donna added. ”We shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t have left.”

“Okay.”

“I just…” Donna paused. ”It’s hard Mike.” She said then. “To see you like this, to see you suffering. That’s hard. And I got upset for hurting you more.” 

”I shouldn’t have yelled at you. It wasn’t on purpose.” 

“No, of course not. I was just trying…”

“To help me. I know.” Mike said. ”Just forget it. It doesn’t matter. You’re here now, so…” He had to stop, because he was close to breaking down again. She shushed him again. 

“I don’t feel good.” Mike said almost whispering. But they heard him. Harvey gave out a small laugh and pressed his hand in his. 

“That’s the understatement of the year.” He said. And for a second Mike smiled too. 

“Maybe.” He said. ”Is it okay though?” he needed to know. 

“What is?” Donna asked.

”That I…” He didn’t know how to continue. ”I feel bad.” 

“That’s okay.” Harvey said. ”We’ll be here. You’ll feel better soon.”

“Yes, Harvey can read to us again while we wait.” Donna said. 

”What? No, he can’t.” Harvey said. 

”Yes he can. Right Mike?” 

”Right.” He met Harvey’s eyes. They looked in each other’s eyes for a long time until Harvey nodded and blinked rapidly. 

“I guess he can.” He whispered, squeezed Mike’s hand before he left to get the magazine. He started from the beginning this time. Mike closed his eyes and as Harvey read, his mind got lighter and lighter as he relaxed and let the words flow over him. 

– SUITS –

Harvey was getting hoarse. This was the second time in less than four hours he read this article. Not that he cared. He couldn’t care less. He was still a bit shaken up. The first few minutes he read he had been struggling with keeping his voice even. He could see that Donna knew that. Mike didn’t seem aware of much at all. He seemed to be much more relaxed now. Thank god. 

When he had looked into Mike’s pale face and saw pain, sadness and exhaustion in his eyes, he had almost started to cry himself. However he got the stupid magazine and just started to read again. 

He hadn’t really been aware of what had been going on between Donna and Mike, just heard Mike complaining and Donna getting upset. He had been torn between staying with Mike and going after Donna. Now he felt like he had made the wrong decision. It was like he still didn’t get just how sick Mike really was. In just less than ten minutes a calm day had turned into disaster. 

He had gone after Donna and found her close to tears by a window. She told him she had hurt Mike and she was just so worried about him. Now she thought she made it all worse, of course that probably wouldn’t be over. She would blame herself now, for being the one that caused Mike to be left alone. 

As soon as Harvey answered his phone and heard Mike’s voice he knew that it was bad. It turned out that it was so much worse than he had expected, just in a different way. This was just so sad. Harvey didn’t think he yet had felt that bad for Mike before this moment. The kid looked terrible when Harvey pushed the door opened and rushed in. He had thrown up in his bed, it was disgusting and everywhere. Harvey cursed himself for leaving the kid alone when he wasn’t even strong enough to turn around in bed on his own. Mike had needed him and he hadn’t been there. Again. It had happened before. Harvey felt really shitty about that. He didn’t want that to happen, but it still did. 

He did worry a lot about Mike. Especially now these last few days that were filled with so much waiting around. He couldn’t help but thinking about Mike dying. The latest news hadn’t been good. Mike had a ten percent chance and it felt like it just had got smaller. As he was reading and glanced over at Mike he couldn’t ignore the stab in his chest at the thought of Mike not making it. He found that he was wrinkling the magazine in his hands, and tried to straighten it out again. 

Donna was still stroking Mike’s arm, her other hand resting close to Mike’s neck, her finger’s stroking his cheek a little. Mike was breathing deeply but Harvey wasn’t sure that the kid was asleep, so he didn’t dare to stop reading yet. Mike had wanted him to read, so he wasn’t going to stop. 

Mike had said that he didn’t feel good, and Harvey felt like he needed to do everything he could to just make him feel as less bad as possible. It felt like there wasn’t much he could do about Mike’s physical condition, but he could do something about how Mike felt. If he just had Donna there holding him and could listen to Harvey’s voice, maybe that would help. Harvey was pretty sure it did. 

Mike did get better. He slept for a few hours and was woken by a doctor who wanted to check on his heart. A nurse came and put some kind of cream on the healing wound on Mike’s chest. Mike said that it helped. “It doesn’t hurt now.” He said. 

“That’s good. That’s really good.” 

The meds that they had been giving Mike after his last throwing up incident seemed to be working because he wasn’t as nauseated as before either. As long as he was laying down he claimed that he didn’t feel sick. He did have a fever though. That got Harvey really worried, since fevers might mean infections and he just wasn’t sure how Mike could handle an infection at the moment. Mike’s doctor however assured him that they didn’t see any signs of an infection at the moment. But at the same time they didn’t know what was causing the fever. All Harvey knew was that Mike and fevers didn’t mix well. He always got so emotional, scared and all together miserable. And Harvey just wanted Mike to feel better. He wanted for him to get a break, feel okay, and feel like he had a chance. He didn’t think Mike felt like that, so he did his best to be as nice to him as he could and hope that Mike took some of it to heart. 

It didn’t last long though, because as Donna went home to shower after a long night Harvey and Mike was told that Mike had a test coming up where they would draw some blood from his arm. Mike who still had a fever of 101.8 was not happy. He didn’t want to do any tests at all. 

”No I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to Harvey. Can’t you tell them? You can tell them right?”

Mike looked up at him with shiny hopeful eyes. Harvey felt bothered, he didn’t want to force this on Mike and at the same time the two nurses that was there were expecting to do their job. They had tried to talk to Mike but he hadn’t been interested in listing to them.

“Mike... Look, I know you don’t want to do this right now.” He started.

“No, I don’t. It hurts, and I’m so tired of it all. I don’t want to hurt.” He said with force and he squirmed on the bed. 

“I know, I know. I don’t want you to hurt anymore either, but you have to do this Mike. They said that it is necessary.”

“Everything is necessary, that’s what they say! You can’t believe that. I don’t want to Harvey.”

“A very convincing argument kid, but I actually think that they wouldn’t put you through it if it wasn’t necessary.” 

“What? Are you on their side now?” 

”No, Mike. There is no sides here. Everything they are doing they are doing to help you. If anything they are on your side. You know that.”  
Mike looked up at him and bit his lip. He didn’t say anything for some time and Harvey held his gaze, until Mike glanced at one of the nurses.

“Could I at least wait an hour?”

“Yeah, I think we can manage that.” Mike’s nurse agreed, and they got an hour. However Mike wasn’t that keen on the procedure after an hour either. When the nurses arrived Mike tensed and his gaze flickered between them and Harvey. 

“Look, you can do it.” Harvey encouraged. “It won’t take long. I’ll be here. 

“No…” Mike mumbled, but still let them do what they were there to do. Harvey saw how he tensed as the nurse stuck the needle into him. He just wished he could   
take Mike with him away from this place, to somewhere where he wouldn’t be in pain or wouldn’t have to get stuck by needles. After the nurses left Harvey sat down close to Mike and placed a hand on his shoulder. Mike jerked at first. He felt too warm under Harvey’s hand. 

“You feeling better?”

Mike shrugged. “A little.” He kept his eyes open and his gaze jumped around, not settling for anything longer than a few seconds. 

 

“You tired?”

“No.”

“Yeah right. You look terrible.” It was meant as a joke, but it was true. Mike just nodded. 

“I wish I could go home with you.” He sighed. 

“Yeah, that be great. As soon as you can we’ll do it.” 

“I read that you only have to stay at the hospital for like a week after a heart operation.” Mike said. “It’s been almost two.” 

“Well, you always has to be the worst.” 

Mike’s mouth twisted a bit, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

“You should sleep. I would if I could.” Harvey sighed. Truth was that he was exhausted. It felt like he had been awake for days at the time. Donna had commented on it as well, that he looked tired and “in need of a shave” as she said. She was right, but he couldn’t do that at the moment. Shaving came low on the priority list. However Harvey actually didn’t feel so good himself. He felt a bit too warm and a bit faint. He had developed a cough by the next day, and got a disapproving look from the nurse attending to Mike. 

Later when Mike was asleep, fever still too high for anyone’s liking a doctor came to talk to Harvey. They asked if he was sick or not and wanted to check him out. Harvey got it explained to him that if he was sick, even if he had a cold he couldn’t be at the hospital. A simple virus like a cold could kill Mike like he was now he was told, making Harvey extremely uneasy. He agreed to a blood sample to determine whether he was too sick to be at the hospital. He prayed that he wasn’t. Mike didn’t need this right now, he was kind of out of it from his fever already as it was. 

It was bad news, really bad news. They told Harvey he couldn’t stay with Mike after seeing his blood work. It turned out that he had some kind of virus. Harvey tried to argue with them, he had to. For Mike’s sake he had to. They said that he couldn’t visit Mike until he got over whatever he had. He suggested that he would wear a mask when he was with Mike, they could get him shots or anything, but they wouldn’t hear it.

“It’s for Mike’s sake, Mr. Spector. If you infect Mike with what you have it might become life threatening for him. We don’t want that.”

“But you know how he is. He doesn’t like to be here alone, and with a fever he will like it even less.”

“We will keep a close eye on him, and increase the nurse’s rounds as much as possible. Mike will be taken care of. And his health is what matters the most right now.”  
So Harvey was allowed in a mask to Mike’s room to say good bye for a few days and to explain what was going to happen. Harvey felt ashamed when he wished that Mike’s fever was high enough for him to be out of it. If he were, maybe he wouldn’t notice that much that Harvey was absent. 

“Where have you been?” Mike asked when he stepped into his room again. “What is that?” He mention for the mask. “Why do you have that?”   
Mike’s eyes were glassy and his face flushed. 

“You gave me whatever it is that you have.” Harvey sat down with some distance between them. 

“What?” Mike asked in a small voice as his eyes widened. “You have cancer too?” He breathed. 

“No, Mike. I don’t have cancer. It was a joke. A stupid one apparently.”

“But you said you have what I have. Are you sick?”

“Cancer is not contagious, you idiot. But yeah, I’m sick.” 

“Oh. You are? I’m sorry.”

“No, I’ll be fine. It’s just that I can’t be here for a few days now Mike.”

“Why not?” 

“Because you can’t get sick.”

“I already am, I think. You can still come.”

“No, Mike I can’t. They won’t let me in. I’m contagious. I can’t infect you with it. That’s not good.” 

Mike just looked at him with big eyes as if he tried to understand. Even though Harvey practically had spoken as you would a child. But he nodded later. “Okay.” He said. “A few days?” 

“Yes, a few days. But Donna will still come, and maybe Louis and Rachel too.” 

“Okay.” 

They talked some more and Harvey thought he had made Mike to understand what was going to happen. Mike did fall asleep while they were talking though, causing Harvey to have to wake him up and explain it again. 

“It’s fine. You will be back later.” Mike said as they said good bye. 

Harvey all but collapsed when he got home. He slept for ten hours straight. He then spent the next day at home trying to relax as much as he could to get better faster. The doctor had said that he needed to stay away for at least three days. The first day was okay. Donna and Rachel had been with Mike during the day. It worried Harvey when Donna said that Mike was doing worse. They had him on a lot of medication so he was sleeping a lot, but was almost delirious when he was awake. 

Mike called him on the second day. 

“Harvey?” He mumbled.

“Yes, hi Mike how are you doing?”

“I…I don’t know. Not so good I think.”

“Okay, kid. You will feel better soon.”

“Yeah…Harvey?” 

“Yes, Mike.”

“I was just wondering where you were?”

Harvey’s stomach made a knot at that question. He had expected it to come but now when it did he didn’t know what to answer. He didn’t want to make Mike more upset than he already was. 

“I’m at home, because I’m sick. I told you. I’ll come when I’m better.”

“Oh. Yeah, okay.”

“Donna will come though.” 

“Yeah. Okay.” Mike repeated. “I was just wondering.” 

“Now you don’t have to wonder anymore. I’ll see you soon Mike.” 

They said good bye shortly after that, and Harvey called Donna. She promised that she would spend the day with Mike. She called him later in the afternoon telling him that Mike’s fever had risen to 102.6 now. He was sleeping a lot though, but Donna said that he had been asking for Harvey almost every time he was awake. Donna said she explained to him every time, but the fever was too high. 

Harvey worried like crazy. Mike was all he could think about. It seemed like he just needed a few good night’s sleep because he felt much better after them. He called the hospital on the third day but they said to wait one more day to come in and make sure he wasn’t contagious. He demanded them to tell them what was going on with Mike and also why they hadn’t gotten him better yet. It didn’t do much, except frustrate him more since he didn’t get a clear answer.   
However it was the hospital that called him on the fourth day. Harvey’s heart almost stopped when he saw that it was the hospital that called him so early in the morning. Had something happened to Mike? He answered immediately. 

Mike had had a very bad night, and wasn’t much better in the morning he was told. They asked if he could come over. He barely took the time to get dressed properly. When he got there a doctor saw him and they said it was okay that he went in to see Mike. 

Before he stepped into the kid’s room he had been by and talked to his doctor. He had been told that Mike was really upset and had had a bad night. He had a high fever that they had trouble with getting under control. A doctor had just examined him, and they had tried to make Mike as comfortable as possible, but couldn’t get him to relax. Harvey was told that Mike had been asking for him a lot. 

He could hear Mike from the corridor. The kid was crying and it pulled on Harvey’s heartstrings. Mike wasn’t quietly sobbing, no, he was crying loudly and desperately. Harvey paused for a second before stepping into the room, he just had to collect himself a bit to be ready for what waited on the other side. What if he wouldn’t be able to calm him down? What if Mike thought that he had been abandoned? That was a thought Harvey had had a hard time letting go of. After all he had promised Mike that he was going to be there for him, and now they hadn’t seen each other for four days. 

A nurse was inside the room sitting beside the bed trying to calm Mike down. But he wasn’t paying her much attention. His hands waved her away, his eyes were bloodshot and his face flushed. 

“No, stop it. Where is he? Where is Har-Harvey?” He cried. “Where is he?” Oh shit. Harvey quickly stepped up to the bed and lowered himself so that he was in Mike’s line of sight. 

“Mike, I’m here now. I’m right here. I’m here.” 

Mike was crying and crying. He didn’t seem to be able to focus on Harvey. He was shaking. The state Mike was in was almost frightening. He stretched out his hand against Harvey, and called his name over and over. Harvey took Mike's sweaty hand in his and then searched behind him and managed to grab a chair so that he could sit down. The nurse had vacated it for him. 

“Are you Harvey?” the nurse that was there asked. He just nodded, all his focus on Mike. 

“Try to talk to him, and see if you can get through to him. It might work for you. Just press the button if you need help. I’ll be back shortly.” She said and quietly left the room, leaving Harvey alone with Mike. 

“Harvey…Harvey? Is Harvey here?” Mike whispered. He wasn’t looking at him, instead his eyes were focused on Harvey’s hand in his. He tugged it closer to him, as if he was worried it would disappear. He still didn’t seem to realize who the hand belonged to. 

“Yes, Mike. I’m here. I’m right here. It’s my hand.” 

“Where were you? Where? I couldn’t find you. You weren’t here.” he sobbed a bit more. 

“Hey, hey stop it Mike.” Harvey tried to sooth him. “I’m here now. I’m sorry I didn’t come by sooner kid.” 

“Harvey?” it looked like he tried to focus his eyes on Harvey, but he couldn’t. His eyes kept dancing around the room. 

“Yeah Mike.” 

“You are here?” 

“Yes.”

“Are you stay… are you staying? Here?” he hiccupped.

“Yes.” 

“You weren’t here before and I wanted you to come. I asked where you were…They wouldn’t…they didn’t tell me.” He whispered the last words and Harvey found himself clenching Mike’s hand harder in his. Guilt was creeping up in him. He reached out and put his hand on Mike’s head and left it there. He knew that the kid had wanted him there. He knew Mike was scared of being alone. He squeezed his hand harder, trying to ground him. 

Mike was so out of it. Harvey hadn’t seen him sick like this before. Not aware of his surroundings. Not much that the nurses had done for him seemed to help either. They pumped him full of as much drugs they could at this point without endangering his condition further Harvey had been told. 

Mike was sweating from the fever making his shirt stick to his body. He was shaking from both the fever and the sobbing. He seemed to be uncomfortable in whatever position he was in because squirmed around on the bed and his eyes kept darting around the room. As if he was looking for something that wasn’t there. Sometimes he wasn’t aware that Harvey was with him there and would start to call out for him again. It was so hurtful to watch. Every time Mike called for him Harvey had to fight hard to get Mike’s attention back on him. The sad part was that the kid seemed to be so relieved every time he realized that Harvey was sitting there next to him. 

“You are here. Are you really here?” He said and then coughed straight out making Harvey cringe away a bit. He was holding on to Mike’s hand. 

“Yes, I’m really here. Don’t worry.” 

”Can we leave, Harvey?” he asked and managed to find Harvey’s eyes with his. Harvey slowly shock his head, and took hold of Mike’s hand with both of his. 

“Not now Mike. We have to stay awhile longer.”

“But I want to come with you. I don’t want to be here anymore.” Mike whined and Harvey watched as tears started to pool in his eyes again. 

“I know. I know, Mike.” He whispered. 

”I don’t want you to go again. I get lost. I want to come with you.”

“I’m not going anywhere. We are staying right here.” Harvey tried to reassure him, but it seemed like Mike wouldn’t believe him, couldn’t. It was breaking Harvey’s heart. It scared him in a way that he was feeling like this. He felt so helpless. Like nothing he did was helping. 

“I think my brain is broken. Something is wrong.” Mike mumbled a bit later. “Something is wrong. It’s wrong.” He kept repeating and didn’t listen to what Harvey tried to say. He knew that he could make Mike listen, all he needed to do was raise his voice. But he felt he couldn’t do that to Mike at this moment. He was pretty sure it might frighten Mike more than it would calm him, and he just couldn’t have Mike fearful of him at this time.

He had to come up with something else, something that would work. At the moment he couldn’t think of anything else than keep doing what he was doing, so he continued talking to Mike in a calm quiet voice, repeating nonsense hoping that it would reach him somehow. 

“Hey, hey Mike. It’s okay now. It’s okay. You are okay now. You just have to calm down.”

He put a hand on Mike’s face, but he moved his head out of the way.

“No, I…no. I…I. No.” He mumbled. He twisted on the bed, his rolling around on the pillow. 

“Mike, come on kid. It’s okay.” 

“It’s..it’s not. It’s too warm. I want to leave. I need to leave.” 

Mike did try to sit up at this point as if he actually intended to leave. Harvey put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. 

“I know Mike, but not right now.”

“Yes, let me…let me go.” Mike tried to remove himself from Harvey’s grip. “Let me go.” 

Harvey carefully restrained him. He wanted to let go so badly though. He didn’t want to do this to Mike. He didn’t want to be this person who Mike had to fight against, even if it was in a state like this. 

“You don’t have to leave Mike. Things are okay now. I promise.”

“Let go.” Mike repeated weakly. “Please.”

Harvey did immediately. Mike thankfully stayed where he was. He blinked slowly and briefly met Harvey’s eyes. 

“Harvey?” He asked next. 

“Yes Mike.”

Mike didn’t do anything, just put his arm out and grabbed on to Harvey’s sleeve. He looked at his own hand mumbling something Harvey couldn’t make out. Harvey told him yet again that he was going to be okay, that he didn’t have to worry. 

Eventually Mike calmed down a bit. A nurse was in and checked on him and administered some more medication. She encouraged Harvey to continue with what he was doing, telling him he did a great job with Mike. 

“This is the calmest he has been the last 24 hours.” She told him and smiled at him. That didn’t make Harvey feel any better at all. Mike wasn’t sleeping, but instead laid on the bed slowly blinking and looking towards the window. He still held Harvey’s sleeve in a tight grip. Harvey was patting his arm. Mike didn’t seem interested in talking, so they mostly stayed quiet. An hour passed like that before Mike finally fell asleep and Harvey allowed himself to relax. He carefully removed his arm from Mike’s slack hand and leaned back in his chair with closed eyes. He rubbed his face before adjusting Mike’s blanket over him. 

– SUITS –


	43. Chapter 43

It was hard to open his eyes. It shouldn’t be like that. It wasn’t supposed to be hard to open your own eyes. That was just weird. When he managed he blinked a few times to get use to the light, his eyes felt too dry and sticky. 

When he was a bit more aware of himself he pushed the blanket that was covering him away. He was so warm! It didn’t help much at all and he weakly pulled at his shirt, wishing he could remove that too. As he moved his arms the IV that he was connected to was stretched uncomfortably and pulled at his skin. 

His head was spinning and his mouth felt incredibly dry. He took a few deep breaths, at least as deep as he could because it kind of hurt. He felt sore and sweaty. Just uncomfortable in his own body. And where was he? His brain felt too slow, like he wanted to think faster, but his brain couldn’t follow. He glanced around the room. He was at the hospital of course. He didn’t want to be there. He knew that much. Why did he have to be there all the time? He didn’t like it at the hospital. And he had been alone. Harvey hadn’t been there! He felt really anxious at once and leaned his head to the side and there, Harvey was there! He was stretched out on a cot to the left of him. He was sleeping. 

“Harvey?” He said and winced. It hurt to talk. He couldn’t remember why. He tried again though, because Harvey hadn’t woken up yet. He did this time. Mike watched how he blinked a few time to then turn towards Mike and sit up. 

“Hi kid,” Harvey stood up and walked closer to him. “How are you feeling Mike? You doing better?”

Mike shook his head. He didn’t feel better. 

“Oh really? That’s too bad.” Harvey sighed a little but he was smiling. Mike didn’t know what was funny. 

“Well, you do look better. I’ll just let them know that you are awake.” 

Mike didn’t say anything as Harvey pushed the call button. In now time a nurse was there and Mike didn’t like that at all. He wanted him to go again, but the nurse insisted on asking him all these questions. Mike answered them in hopes of getting to be left alone. He did after a while, with the promise of a visit by his doctor in the next hours. 

“So, at least your fever is down a bit.” Harvey said. “That’s really good news Mike.”

“I want it gone all together.” Mike complained. “I want to go home.” 

“I know Mike.” Harvey said in a tone that sounded like he had said it a hundred times. Maybe he had. It was all a bit fuzzy. 

“When did you get here?” He asked. 

“Yesterday.” Harvey answered. 

“Where were you before? Why weren’t you here?”

“I wanted to be here Mike, but I couldn’t.”

“Why not? Where you working?”

“I was sick, I had a cold and they didn’t want me to infect you with it. So I had to stay away for a few days.” 

“You were sick?” Mike look at Harvey with disbelief. “What about me? I was sick too! I am sick. You said you were going to be here. You weren’t. I was alone.”

“Mike you have to understand why I wasn’t here. I couldn’t expose you to anything else. You immune system is weak as it is…” 

Mike didn’t want to listen. He didn’t care about all of that. What he cared about was the fact that he had been looking for Harvey, wondering where he was and thinking all these things. He remembered dimly times when he had called out for Harvey, waiting for him to come. He hadn’t been able to understand why he wasn’t there. He had been absolutely miserable and he had been alone. He remembered with some embarrassment that he had been crying, he might even had screamed for Harvey to come. But he hadn’t. 

“You weren’t here! I can’t believe you weren’t here! I wanted… I needed help.” He finished feeling his emotion range widely during just those simple sentences. 

“I know, I’m sorry Mike.” Harvey said then, stopping Mike’s ranting. He couldn’t continue because Harvey sounded sad. 

“Yeah…okay.” He said instead. “I just…I just…I didn’t know.” 

“I told you Mike.” 

“But I, I can’t remember. It’s all…I don’t know. But Harvey, I don’t remember you telling me that.”

“It’s okay. You had a high fever, that’s why.” 

“Yeah, okay. So you wanted to be here?” He swallowed hard and glanced up at Harvey. He just had to ask. 

“Of course kid.” Harvey smiled and lightly punched his arm. “But you know, even I can’t be a hundred percent all the time.”

“Really? You are admitting a flaw?” 

“What? I am human.” 

Mike smiled tiredly. “I know Harvey.” 

Harvey shook his head at him and sat down on a chair. He yawned and rubbed his face a bit. “You know you had me kind of worried there for a second. You were totally out of it.” 

“Shit. What did I do?” He asked, but just as Harvey was about to start telling him he changed his mind. “You know what, I don’t think I want to know.” He said.   
Harvey nodded a bit. “No, you probably won’t. It wasn’t pretty. It was terrible actually, Mike. You were…” 

“I said I didn’t want to know, Harvey.” Mike groaned. 

“Fine.” 

They left it at that and Mike was grateful. He didn’t want to think about how he had been behaving. What he did remember wasn’t that pleasant to think about. He had been out of it, desperate, scared and felt really bad. Now he felt marginally better. After his doctors visit things got even better. He got to change clothes and got rid of one of the IV:s, if he agreed to try and eat something.

The day passed like that. Harvey stayed with him the entire time. It was just the two of them, since Harvey had called Donna and told her to just rest. “I got this” he had said on the phone, and Mike wasn’t sure if he appreciated to be that it, that he referred to. 

The next day his fever was even lower. It was great to not feel as warm as before and not as dizzy. However it wasn’t like he felt good. He hadn’t been out of bed yet.   
He could sit up now though which was a nice change. But he was sick, he couldn’t deny that. Not that he had, but he was realizing it in a different way. 

It was strange to be this sick, because Mike really felt sick at this point. Sure, he had felt sick before too but this was somehow different. If someone had asked him to explain he wasn’t sure that he would be able to, but it was just different now. He could feel it in all of his body. He was so weak and shaky all the time. Sitting up without any kind of back support wasn’t an option. He could do it, but only for minutes at the time. His doctor had told him that he would get better soon though. Mike wasn’t sure he believed that when they had him trying to walk some. 

“You can do this!” His nurse Amanda was saying. “You really need to get your muscles working again. You have been in bed far too long.” He wanted to argue with her that he really hadn’t had much choice in the matter, but was pretty sure she already knew that. 

He was sitting on the side of the bed with machines and all connected to some metal pole on wheels, next to him. Harvey was on one side and Nurse Amanda on his other side. They let him lay his arms around their shoulders and he prepared himself for the task of standing. Harvey had a tight grip around his back. 

“Come Mike, just try.” He said.

He did try and carefully put weight on his legs. He stood shakily for a few seconds. 

“Good job! And now try a few steps.”

He managed four steps before his knees buckled. 

“Oops. Okay.” Harvey grunted as he basically took all of Mike’s weight. “Where to?” He asked the nurse. 

”Back to bed.” 

They moved him back and sat him down. 

“That was really good Mike. I’ll give you a few minutes and then we can try again.” 

“No, I think that was enough.” Mike said, a bit out of breath. He was panting. 

“We’ll see. I’ll be back soon.” She disappeared out the door leaving Harvey and Mike alone.

“That was good work Mike.” Harvey said encouragingly. Mike rolled his eyes at him. 

”Are you kidding? I suck. I took four steps Harvey!” 

“Come on, give yourself a break. You haven’t exactly been in any walking condition for quite some time now. Four steps are better than none.” 

Mike just glared at him, not convinced. He felt pretty pathetic and also angry at himself, at his weak body. Amanda soon returned, checked his values and approved for another try at walking. He managed a few more steps this time and fell asleep as soon as he was allowed to. He had actually been exhausted. 

Donna was there when he woke up again and Harvey was nowhere to be seen. He coughed a bit and that got her attention.   
“Oh hi sweetie. You are finally awake.”

“Hey Donna.” He smiled at her. 

”Harvey went to get something to eat. And hopefully he will go home and take a shower. He needed one.” She blinked at him. ”So, how are you doing Mike?” 

“I’m good. I was out of bed today for the first time in like forever.”

“Yes, Harvey said that you were walking. That’s great news Mike.” 

“Four steps and then I was half dead.” 

“It’s still great Mike.”

“Thanks.” He didn’t want to argue anymore with her. ”So how are you? How is the office?”

“I’m good. And the office is empty. We all miss you there.”

Mike got quite. It felt like it was a long time ago since he had been to the office. He did miss it at some extent. But he also knew that he wouldn't be able to work at this point. He wondered if he ever would again. That thought made him feel sad, and he looked at Donna for a distraction. He didn't want to be sad anymore, he had felt that enough. 

“Do you want the latest news then?” She didn't wait for answer. “You know Louis is thinking of getting a new secretary. Norma told him to shut up the other day, with right of course, so now he is trying to find a way to fire her that would be legal. It's doomed to fail of course, but it is pretty hilarious.”

“Yeah…” 

“Oh yes. Louis says hi to you as well, he wanted to come and see you.” 

Mike smirked. “Tell him to bring Norma.” 

“Oh I will.” She laughed. “I have some gifts for you.” She reached for her bag. “This is actually from Louis.”

“What is that?”

“You are supposed to eat it. It's healthy.” 

“Eh…okay.” 

“You should try it.” 

“Maybe some other time.” 

Mike and Donna had a quiet afternoon together. Mike always enjoyed Donna’s company. She ended up staying the rest of the day. Harvey arrived late at night and settled on the narrow cot by the wall. 

“I'm exhausted.” He yawned and was asleep before Mike. Mike found himself just laying there watching Harvey sleep until his eyes grew heavy. 

A couple of slow days passed like that. He was starting to feel a bit better, the fever went away after a few days and his emotional state improved as well. He had some visits from people at the office, Louis, Rachel and even Jessica stopped by. It was a nice change to his days that mostly consisted of sleeping, watching TV and exams or tests. Harvey and Donna kept him company most of the time so he wasn't that much alone. But those times when he was he felt pretty okay with it. 

However he did have another problem. He just couldn’t eat. He knew that he was starting to worry both Harvey and Donna, but it wasn’t like he could do anything about it. He just couldn’t eat. He didn’t have an appetite what so ever, and everything tasted the same. Food just grew in his mouth, and the texture of it felt so bad that he just wanted to spit everything out as soon as it got into his mouth. Sometimes he even felt like puking even before he put the food in his mouth. The fact that it was standard hospital food didn't help much. Donna insisted that the food he was given was healthy and would help him get all the nutrients that he needed apparently. And Harvey said that he thought that it looked fine and that he shouldn't complain. He knew that they were trying to help or something but he honestly wished they would just leave him alone. 

“Mike have you eaten?” Harvey asked almost as soon as he stepped in to Mike's room in the early afternoon. Harvey had been at the office for a few hours so Mike had been alone. 

“Mmm…” 

“What kind of answer it that? Did you eat or not?”

“I’m not hungry.” 

“You weren’t hungry at breakfast either. You have to eat you know that.” 

 

“Well, I don’t feel like it. Stop telling me what to do.” 

“I’m telling you all I want since you obviously don’t know what's best for you.”

Mike just glared at him and chose to ignore the older man. It wasn’t Harvey’s business whether he ate or not. 

He wasn’t going to eat. He couldn’t. Mike knew that he should, of course he knew that he should eat, but him knowing that didn’t help one bit.

– SUITS –

“You have to eat.” It was the later that day, and Mike's dinner tray remains untouched. 

“I will, later.” 

“You barely ate any lunch and you didn't have any breakfast Mike.” 

“I wasn't hungry.”

Harvey sighed. He was starting to feel like a broken record. And frankly he was a bit annoyed at Mike. It was always the same now. He wasn't hungry, it didn't taste good, he didn't like that, he felt nauseous. The kid didn't run out of excuses. But not eating wasn't going to help Mike at all and Harvey couldn't understand why Mike didn't understand that himself. Because Harvey had explained it to him more than once, so had Mike's doctor. But Mike still wouldn't eat. When did you have to start to worry? He had managed to get him to eat parts of his lunch after some arguing. He kind of had wanted to scream at the kid at that point. 

Mike was fever free by now, but still wasn't allowed home, and that was partly because he wouldn't eat. Harvey just wished that he would. He was kind of sick of the hospital himself and thought that Mike would be too by now. 

Donna had also tried to get him to eat, but it hadn't worked that well either. Harvey had walked in the room whilst Donna and Mike had been talking about it. Mike had a lunch tray in front of him.

“How do you know if you don't try it.” 

“I know! Look at it!” 

“Yes I am. It looks good Mike.” Donna cheerfully said.

“No it doesn't. It looks like shit.” 

“It's perfectly fine.” Donna said unfazed. “At least have a few bites.” Donna's voice stern this time. 

“No, not now.” Mike dared to say, so Harvey decided to step in. 

“Mike you have to eat. If you don't eat you will only get worse and they will never let you leave then.” 

“What, you too now?” Mike grumbled.

“Yes, me too. Seriously Mike, just eat your god damn food!” 

“Harvey.” Donna warned.

“Shut up.” Mike said.

“No, how hard can it be? Just eat! That's literally all you have to do at the moment. Rest and eat, and you can't even do that?” 

“Harvey!” Donna exclaimed and Mike sat as frozen on his bed with wide eyes. Harvey rolled his eyes realizing that that might have been a bit harsh. 

“Look Mike,” he started but he didn't get much further before Mike exploded. 

“Shut up! Shut up Harvey, shut up. You don't know shit. You don't know what it's like. You don't get to talk like that to me. I’m not…I'm not going to fucking eat this shit.” 

The kid was yelling while his chest was heaving, his face was starting to take on a reddish color.

“Mike sweetie, calm down. Harvey didn't mean it like that…” Donna tried, but Mike wouldn't hear it. 

“Stop telling me what to do, stop telling me everything is going to be okay. Nothing will be okay just because I eat. It won't! I won't! I don't want it!” 

Harvey realized what was going to happen but didn't have time to react. Mike's eyes had locked on the tray of food in front of him, and he did a sweeping motion with his hand and sent it flying to the ground. For a moment all three of them were as frozen staring at the tray as it connected with the floor sending food in all directions. Harvey swore as some of it ended up on his shoes. 

“What the hell Mike!” He took a few steps back. “What was that good for?” 

Mike sat motionless except for his heaving chest and stared at the discarded food tray. 

“Mike?” Donna tried.

“No, don’t.” Mike got out through clenched teeth. 

“Mike, why did you do that? What's gotten into you?” Harvey pushed. “Answer me!” He added when Mike said nothing. He was kind of done with this behavior.

“No! Leave me alone!”

“Sweetie…”

“No. Get out, just get out! Leave me alone.” Mike screamed at them and Harvey was pretty sure that if he had another tray in front of him he would have thrown that too. 

“Fine.” He said. “Donna, come on.”

She protested, but he led her outside. He glanced back at Mike and didn't like what he saw. The kid looked so upset, but if he wanted to be alone he could be. The door closed behind them and Harvey leaned against the wall. He had no intention of walking any further. Donna looked upset but leaned against the wall next to him.

“That didn't go very well.” She stated. 

“Not exactly.” Harvey agreed. 

”Should we really leave him alone?”

“It's what he wants.”

”He doesn't know what he wants.”

“Exactly but just because he has cancer doesn't give him the right to behave however he wants.”

“Yes Harvey, but at the same time because of the cancer we expect him to do whatever we or the doctors or nurses tell him to. That can't be easy either. I'm not saying that I think it's a good idea to throw lunches on the floor, I'm just saying that I can understand him.” 

“Sure but he’s still an adult isn't he? He thinks he can get away with it, with anything.”

Donna held up a hand now. 

“Listen to that.” She said quietly. Harvey did. He closed his eyes for a moment and listen as Mike's cries reaches them out through the door. They were filled of despair. For a second Harvey fought the urge to bring his hands up to cover his ears. He didn't want to hear Mike sound like that, like he was absolutely devastated. Maybe that was what he was. 

Harvey turned to look at Donna. “What shall we do?” He found himself asking. Mike had wanted to be left alone but now he was sounding like this and Harvey couldn’t really take that. 

“I...” Donna hesitated. “We should probably go back inside, right?” 

Harvey nodded and pushed the door opened again. “Mike?”

Mike had buried himself as much as he could in the pillows, but they could see the way his body was shaking. 

“Ehm... Do you want us to leave again?” Harvey asked and waited for a reply. The irritation he had felt towards Mike wasn't there anymore. 

Mike shook his head. He started to turn around. “Don't leave.” He whispered when he was facing them again. Harvey honestly had a hard time understanding Mike. Just minutes ago he screamed at them to get out to now seem desperate to get them to stay. 

“Well, we are here Mike. What now?” 

Harvey could sense Donna looking at him and was pretty sure that she didn't approve of how he was handling the situation. 

Mike met his eyes. His lip quivered and Harvey hated himself a tiny bit. At first he thought that Mike was going to scream at them again, but that wasn't the case. 

“Don't be mad okay.” Mike said looking away. “I'll eat, okay. Just don't be mad at me.” He looked up at them both with tear filled eyes. 

“Oh Mike…” Donna whispered. 

“I’ll eat. I'll eat, I'll eat. I will. I'll eat.” He rambled as he bowed his head down to hide his face from them, but Harvey still saw tears running down his cheeks. This wasn't what he had wanted. He had wanted Mike to come to his senses and understand that he needed to eat, but not like this. Not for this reason, to please them.   
Mike looked up again. “I'm sorry about.. maybe if…if someone picked it up I could…” he looked down again and shuddered. 

“Oh come on.” Harvey said. 

“I'm sorry.”

Donna having had enough started shushing Mike, telling him that no one was mad and tried to get him to look at her. Mike barely reacted.

Harvey sighed and moved closer. He sat down on the edge of Mike's bed. He then put a hand on the younger man’s shoulder and lightly pulled Mike towards him. Mike complied and leaned against Harvey. He started to cry again and Harvey felt Mike gripping his shirt as he clang to him. 

“You do understand why we want you to eat right?” He said quietly. 

A few seconds later he felt Mike nod against him. “Yes, I understand.” He whispered. “I'll try harder.” 

“Good Mike, that's good. That’s all I ask.” 

They sat like that until Mike had calmed down and let go. Harvey patiently waited until he did, not wanting to be the one that let go first. 

“I'm sorry.” Mike said as he leaned back on his bed.

“It's okay, sweetheart.” Donna said.

“No, it was stupid. I don't know why I did that.” 

“You wanted to prove a point?” Harvey suggested. “You succeeded.” He added. 

Mike smiled a little. “Maybe.” 

They talked a bit about why Mike refused to eat and Harvey realized that maybe they should have been doing that earlier. He still couldn't fully understand how everything could taste awful and the same, but Mike had said he would try anyway. He got to do that a while later since Donna had gotten him another tray of food and had a cleaner come and take care of the first. Mike had apologized to the man while he cleaned sauce of the floor.

Mike had half of the portion and then looked so miserable that Donna let him of the hook. 

Harvey could see that Mike did try after that. He got annoyed again at dinner the next day because Mike, even though he didn't say anything he grimaced with every bite.

“Oh for gods sakes.” Harvey grumbled. “Just eat like a normal person, will you?”

Mike glared at him. “I am. You should try this! It taste like...” 

“Don't say it.” 

“Fine.” Mike took another bite. “Besides, it's weird with you staring at me the whole time.” 

“Fine.” 

Harvey had gotten an idea though. He just had to wait until tomorrow to do something about it. 

When Mike threw up an hour later, Harvey did feel bad a bit bad for him. 

“I told you…” Mike groaned when he leaned back after he was done.

“Yeah yeah.” 

Mike didn't say anything else so Harvey left him alone. 

– SUITS –

Mike turned the TV off when Harvey opened the door and backed inside his room the next day around lunch. Mike frowned when he saw what Harvey was dragging behind him.

“Why do you have that?” He said pointing at the wheelchair. 

“Well, hallo to you to. I have this, because we are getting out of here.”

“What?” Mike's heart started to speed up. “I can go home?” 

Harvey's excited face fell a little. “Ehh… well, no.” 

“Oh.” 

“But I have spoken to your doctor and he is okay with you leaving for a few hours.”

“In that? Like this? I don’t think so Harvey.” He didn’t exactly feel up for getting out and be around people in the state he was in now. He knew he looked like shit, and he was wearing sweats and a hoodie. 

“We are going. Donna is going to meet us there.” 

“Going where?” 

“It’s a surprise, now get out of bed. Where is your nurse?”

Mike had no idea what Harvey was talking about, but he did sit up and pushed the blanket away. 

“Harvey, come on. Look at me. I’m not really presentable at the moment.”

“I don’t care, you shouldn’t either.”

“What happened with the whole thing about how much your looks matters to people?” 

“Bullshit is what it was.” Harvey said absentmindedly and then left the room, returning a minute later with a nurse in tow. Apparently it was already decided that they were leaving because the nurse started to prepare the IV and the other things he was connected to and started hooking it up on the chair. 

Mike had decided to just go along with it. Harvey seemed kind of excited and Mike didn't want to bring him down. He managed to get into the chair himself and Harvey looked really happy when he looked up at the older man. Mike couldn't help but roll his eyes. It was like it was this big deal when he just had done something totally normal like standing up by himself. It didn't make him feel happy at all, just pathetic that's wasn't able to do more. 

Harvey was standing in front of him now looking at him with a weird expression on his face.

“What?” Mike asked. He look down on himself. “Yeah I know.” He sighed. 

“Do you have anything better?” Harvey mentioned for his hoodie. 

“Eh I don't know.” 

Harvey went over to the cupboard next to the bed. After a moment of searching he held up a knitted sweater Mike didn't even know that he owned. 

“Let's get this on you.” 

“Where are we going really?” Mike's asked again. Harvey just straightened out the sweater. “That's better.” He mumbled ignoring Mike's question. 

They left after some lecturing from a nurse on what they could do and what they needed to watch out for. Mike still having no idea where they were going. Apparently they were walking though. Mike hunched down as much in the wheelchair as he could, avoiding looking up at the people they were meeting. This was the first time he had been outside among other people in a wheelchair. It wasn’t that comfortable. 

They left after some lecturing from a nurse on what they could do and what they needed to watch out for. Mike still having no idea where they were going. Apparently they were walking though. Mike hunched down as much in the wheelchair as he could, avoiding looking up at the people they were meeting. This was the first time he was out among other people in a wheelchair. It did feel like everyone was staring at him and he didn't like it at all. The wheelchair made everyone know that it was something wrong with him. He tried to ignore the feeling though. He glanced up at Harvey trying to determine whether he was uncomfortable as well for having to push him around. But he looked like this was normal and asked “What?” Mike said it was nothing. 

They didn't walk that long until Harvey stopped. Mike turned to look at him again.

“Really? We are going in here?” 

Harvey didn't answer just nodded and smiled towards Donna who just came out of the door to the exclusive restaurant they were standing outside of. 

“This is a fancy place Harvey. They will never let me in like this.” He looked down at his sweat pants and over at the other two. Harvey was in a suit and Donna was wearing a blue dress. 

“Of course they will let us in. I have a reservation.” 

“It’s not a problem Mike.” Donna added and held up the door for Harvey as he pushed Mike inside. However it did turn out to be a problem, because they were met by one of the restaurants employees that looked disapprovingly at Mike and his wheelchair. 

“I’m really sorry, but we do have a dress code here.” He said and Mike tried to not feel disappointed. It had been expected after all. 

“Well, you are going to have to make an exception this time.” Harvey said. “He is a paying customer and we have a reservation.”

“I’m sorry sir.”

“Harvey let’s just get back. It’s okay.” Mike said. 

”The hell it is!” Harvey said with force as he passed Mike. “Can I have a word?” He asked the man blocking their way. “Stay here.” He told Donna and Mike.   
Mike looked up at Donna and she smiled at him. They couldn’t hear what Harvey was saying, but he pointed back at Mike, and then they saw the man from the restaurant shook his head. Mike just felt embarrassed. 

“We should just get out of here.” He told Donna.

“No way. If Harvey won’t fix it, I will.” Mike actually believed her. 

But Harvey waved at them at the next moment. Donna pushed him forward to a table. 

A waiter came and helped to move some chairs out of the way for them. Mike sat down on a regular chair. “Nicely done Harvey. Did you threaten to sue them?” He asked. 

“It would have been my next move.” Harvey nodded. 

“You bribed him?” 

“I just told him it was your last meal and he was pretty understanding. I think we will get dessert on the house.” 

“Harvey!” Donna said, but Mike couldn’t help but laugh. 

“I should start using that more. I bet I can get lots of stuff for free.” He said.

“Mike!”

They ordered and talked about Harvey’s most recent case. Mike didn’t feel hungry but ordered anyway. He didn’t feel like he was going to be sick just at the thought of eating. Maybe the fresh air from the walk had helped some with that. When the food arrived he noticed the looks that Harvey and Donna exchanged when he picked up his fork, but pretended he didn’t. 

– SUITS –

Harvey couldn’t help but feel a bit proud of himself as he watched Mike eating. It was crazy that he was excited over the fact that the kid was eating. Sometimes he couldn’t believe he was in this situation. He had known that Mike’s outfit would be a problem when they stepped into the restaurant. He felt like he was prepared to beg the man to let them in when he took him aside. Mike had already suggested that they should head back to the hospital, and if they did Mike would never want to go outside again like this. He had to fix this. He cursed himself inwardly for feeling more nervous about this then in court with people who had committed murder in front of him. 

What Harvey hadn’t expected to was that he just felt tired when the man in front of him yet again stated that they had a dress code. He ended up doing something he rarely did.

“I realize that, and I’m sorry about asking you to brake it. But he is my friend, and he is very sick. He is barely eating and I thought that a change of scenery might help him. That’s why we are here.” 

He was met with hesitation so he continued. ”Look, I’ll pay you double, I’ll triple the bill.” 

“There’s no need for that.” He looked over towards Mike. “He does look sick. I suppose we could make an exception. It wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

“Thank you.” 

They had a good time. Mike ate and laughed. However Harvey and Donna couldn’t help but looking worriedly at each other when Mike started coughing and didn’t seem to be able to stop.

“Maybe we should get going?” Donna said. 

“No… come on.” Mike reached for his water glass. “We don’t have to leave.”

“Mike…” 

“But I’m kind of happy.” Mike said then. 

Harvey could feel Donna looking at him, but he didn’t care. “We are staying.” He nodded at Mike. 

Mike wouldn’t let it go when they actually did get the dessert on the house. 

“They were probably afraid of you.” Mike was saying when they made their way back to the hospital. Harvey didn’t confirm or deny. He was pretty sure Donna knew though. She was grinning and looked like she wanted to argue the case that Harvey had threatened the restaurant staff, but she didn’t. 

Things got a bit easier after that. Mike was eating better, this also improved after some altering with his medication and he was finally allowed to leave the hospital. The kid was thrilled. Before Mike left the hospital he had started his new round of treatment. It was rough on Mike but he dealt with it. Harvey kept him company. Donna did too. She came over more often now, something that Harvey was grateful for. 

– SUITS –

He did feel better. That was what he kept telling people, anyone that asked, and it was what he tried to tell himself. If he just convinced himself that he was doing better, maybe it would become true. He had read in some magazine that if you just had faith in that your treatment was working it improved your results. Although he was kind of afraid that he had started to hope too late. They had already been told that it hadn’t been working so far. 

He had started another session of treatment now though and maybe this one would. Treatment and yet again an operation were his current options. He had to go for it because he had nothing to lose and nothing else to do about his situation. 

He hadn’t have the energy to enjoy being back at Harvey’s place yet. He had collapsed on the couch and couldn’t get up by himself after that. It was a pretty humiliating feeling to have to ask for help getting up from a couch. He didn’t think Harvey minded though, he had been nice about it. 

Mike had been told that this round of treatment would be more aggressive. He wasn’t sure how that was possible though. But he noticed the side effects of it. He was standing in front of the mirror brushing his teeth when he saw it. He spit and leaned closer and swore loudly. 

“What? What happened?” Harvey poked his head into the bathroom. He looked confused. 

Mike slowly lifted his hand to his head and ran his fingers through his hair. Chucks of it ended up in his hand. “Shit!” 

“Oh.” Harvey said. “That’s gross.” 

”Why is it happening now? I thought I wouldn’t lose it!” Mike exclaimed. Harvey shrugged his shoulders. 

”I’m surprised it stayed on you the first time.” He said and turned to leave. “It’s not the worst thing that could happen Mike.” He added and left Mike standing there staring at the hair in his hand. 

But maybe Harvey was right. It could be worse after all. It was just hair. It would grow back. He did look terrible though, after a few days. 

“Why don’t we just shave it all off?” Harvey asked him and Mike agreed. He couldn’t go out looking like he did now. He looked like some sort of mad scientist with patches of hair here and there on his head. 

Harvey did it for him that same evening. 

“Alright, are you ready?” Harvey asked from behind him where he stood with the hair trimmer.

Mike wouldn’t look into the mirror as Harvey removed all of his hair. He knew he shouldn’t let it bother him. Honestly he had been lucky that got to keep it for so long. One nurse at the hospital had told him that he had very good gens that made him resistant towards losing his hair. Didn’t work this time though. But when Mike walked into his bedroom all bald, there was a black, thin knitted winter cap laying on his pillow. Mike couldn’t help but smile to himself. It was thin enough to be able to wear it inside, and when he put it on he actually thought that he looked kind of cool. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. At least he didn’t look terrible. 

Harvey nodded in approvingly when he walked back into the living room. En

“Might even work at the office.” He said. Mike got to try it because he came with Harvey to work the next day. He was feeling a bit better at the moment so he wanted to take advantage of that. It felt like he hadn’t been at work in forever now. He actually looked forward to proofing briefs.

“Oh, that’s a new style for you.” Donna said when she saw Mike’s new look. She promised to get him some options so that he could match them with his outfit, her words not Mike’s. He tried to argue that black goes with everything. However the cap made him feel a bit different, it kind of took him back to his teen age years. He had had a time when he never went anywhere without something on his head. But here at the office it felt wrong. On the other hand he refused to take it off. 

They had been working for an hour or so when Jessica stepped into Harvey’s office. 

“Hi. I heard that the two of you were here.” She greeted them. To Mike’s surprise she walked over to him and sat down in front of him. “How are you doing Mike?” She asked kindly. 

“I’m doing okay at the moment. Thank you.” 

“I’m glad to hear it. If there is anything I can do, just let me know.” 

She got up and when she passed him she left her hand on his shoulder for a few seconds. He felt kind of touched by that. She hadn’t even mentioned that he was wearing a cap inside the office. He kind of thought that she would have, but of course she hadn’t. 

Jessica and Harvey proceeded to go through like all the cases the firm was handling at the moment, at least that was what it sounded like to Mike. His head started to hurt from all the talking they were doing. He got up to go and talk to Donna instead. Both Harvey and Jessica silenced as he stood. 

“You okay?” Harvey asked and stood up as well.

“Yeah, I’m just going to…” He waved towards Donna. Harvey watched him as he walked out. Donna seemed to understand exactly because she walked with him to a conference room. He sat down at the table and put his head in his hands. 

“Talk to me.” Donna sat across from him. 

Mike carefully shook his head. “It’s just that I have been here for like three hours and I’m already beat.” He sighed. “I wish it wasn’t so.” 

“It will get better.” Donna said encouragingly. 

Later when they got home that afternoon Mike felt incredible bad. When they had gotten home and sat down one the couch and now he didn’t feel at all like moving. His head was heavy and it was a bit hard to breathe. Worst was the nausea. He didn’t know where it had come from. It hit him out of nowhere and he just hated that. He didn’t want to swallow because it felt like he was going to throw up when he did. 

“What do you want for dinner?” Harvey called from the kitchen and Mike just groaned. 

Half an hour later Harvey called for him to come to the kitchen to eat. Mike didn’t move. Harvey called again and walked up to him. 

”Sorry Harvey. I would, but I can’t.” he said this without moving. 

“We’ve been through this already, you need to eat more. At least something.” 

It was frustrating that Harvey didn’t understand. If he had been up for it he would have argued. But he had already told Harvey that he couldn’t eat at the moment, what more did he want? So Mike chose to just stay where he was with closed eyes. Even his eyes felt weird now. Kind of dry. 

”So you are just going to ignore me then?” Harvey asked. 

“Yes.” Mike answered. He could hear Harvey sigh. He didn’t want him to do that. Sigh at him. Like he was tired of Mike. He probably was though. He opened his eyes. ”I’ll throw up.” He said quietly. 

Harvey nodded. ”Fine.” He walked away. 

Not eating or moving an inch didn’t help. It just got worse. It was so unfair. He was doing nothing at all to cause the nausea, but still it came. Luckily Harvey had left him a bucket close by, so he could throw up in that. 

He didn’t get any better. 

– SUITS –

Harvey kind of hated this. Mike’s day had been pretty good, but now his breathing sounded really troublesome and he had thrown up three times. Mike’s breaths sounded raspy, like he had something there that was preventing him from breathing correctly. They needed to go to the hospital. He went to get their coats and broke the news to Mike. 

"No, I don't want to go there. I don't need too Harvey! They never let me sleep, they keep asking me how I am feeling, and... And you know, they say my name all the time. Like in every sentence! It creeps me out!"

"You done?" Harvey asked with a raised eyebrow, and Mike frowned.

"Yeah." He sighed.

"All right, first of all. They are doing their job. And second of all you are panting, and your lips are turning blue. You are going."

Mike tried to stare angrily at Harvey, but he wasn’t faced by it, and just stared back until Mike considered himself beaten, and started to get up from where he was laying. It didn’t work. He found that he didn’t have the strength to even sit up by himself. He tried again and failed. His panic-stricken eyes found Harvey’s who without a word went over to him, sat down on the bed and grabbed his shoulders and lifted him up in a sitting position. He then shifted around and placed Mikes arm over his own shoulder. 

"You ready?" He asked quietly and waited until Mike nodded against him. They slowly made their way towards the door. Harvey could feel Mike trembling with the effort of walking the short distance. He wished there was a chair in the elevator. Maybe he should install one in his own. 

“Harvey…” Mike whispered. ”I need to sit down.” 

“No, not yet. You can make it a few more minutes.” 

“No, please…”Harvey was just about to deny him again when he felt Mike just slip down to the floor along his side and proceeded to lean against the elevator wall with his eyes closed. Harvey followed him down and squatted next to him. He gently shock his shoulder. 

“Mike come on, you can’t sit down. Not yet. Not here.”

Mike ignored him and didn’t move a muscle or did anything to indicate that he had even heard him. 

“Mike!” Harvey grabbed his shoulders and shook him slightly but Mike just let him do it, at least he opened his eyes, but just stared straight ahead at nothing. “Shit.” Harvey cursed, frustrated at the situation he now was in. Should he call an ambulance or somehow drag Mike to a cab by himself? 

“Mike, you do know we are in the elevator right?” He tried to catch Mike’s eyes with his. After a few moments Mike looked at him.

“I’m tired.” He whispered back. 

“Do you need an ambulance?” Harvey asked him. “Or can you make it?”

“No, come on. No ambulance.”

“Then can you make it?”

“Sure…I’ll make it.” He groaned but remained sitting. Harvey shook his head and stood up. He guessed he would let the kid sit down a minute. The elevator door opened and Mike still didn’t move, Harvey was getting frustrated. This wasn’t working. He got his phone out. 

”I’m sorry kid, but I’m making the call now unless you get up right now.”

Mike groaned and cursed at him. “Help me then.” He muttered. 

As soon as they came outside Mike threw up bile on the side walk. “Sorry.” He blinked tears away as Harvey was holding him upright. 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

Mike nodded weakly. ”Let’s just go back inside again.” He said looking unhappily at Harvey. 

“Sorry, that’s not going to happen.” Harvey squeezed the kids hand a bit and Mike held on to him.

The cab came and Harvey got Mike inside of it without problems. Luckily nothing happened during the ride to the hospital and Mike got taken care of pretty quickly. He got an IV for the nausea and a nasal cannula to help him breath. They spent the night. 

Mike was really worn out after his latest round of chemo. The day after he didn’t get out of bed. The day after that he at least moved to the couch. The day after that he had another session. This time he was absolutely miserable and Harvey felt really sorry for him. It hurt to see him like that. Harvey had to borrow a wheel chair to get Mike home after. Mike hated it and fought with all he had to not have to sit in it, but he was forced to. 

“I can’t carry you Mike. Or would you prefer I did that?” Mike wouldn’t. 

“It’s humiliating. I know how to walk!” 

“Yes, but you can’t do that now can you? Just be grateful for getting to borrow it. Or would you rather stay at the hospital so you wouldn’t have to move?” 

Harvey got to realize that he needed to be more careful how he spoke now, because at those words Mike looked like he was going to burst into tears and started to beg Harvey not to leave him at the hospital. 

“Please, Harvey. I will sit in it, okay. Don’t leave me here. I don’t want to stay here. Please.”

Harvey had stopped pushing him and kneeled in front of the kid and had promised to not do that. “I won’t leave you anywhere.” He had said. Mike blinked at him and then nodded. 

That night Harvey got Mike to sit down on the couch and arranged for all that they would need as Mike got sick. Mike was almost too weak to hold up his own head. Harvey sat down next to him, and threw a blanket over the kid and then arranged him so that Mike was leaning against him. He thought that it would help Mike, at least he didn’t have to feel alone. Mike however barely reacted but leaned heavily against him. Harvey heard how he whispered a thank you, though. 

– SUITS –

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think :)


	44. Chapter 44

He was so incredible exhausted. Being this sick scared him. He had no energy and felt like he was barely aware of what was going on around him. 

“You will get better soon.” Harvey mumbled in his ear. He was leaning against Harvey’s chest. That was nice and kind of strange that he really was doing it. But he felt comforted by it. Harvey was warm behind him and he felt his chest move as he was breathing. He had been sleeping on and off for a while now. He had just woken up and had been sick. Harvey had heaved him upright and held his shoulders. 

“Yeah…” Mike whispered as a response to Harvey. He blinked up at him. He didn’t know why, but things were a bit blurry and his eyes stung a little. 

After sleeping some more he actually felt a bit better. The worst was thankfully over. He were able to get something in his stomach and all the sleeping had worked as well to help him to regain some strength. He got a good night’s sleep as well. 

The next few days passed slowly but they weren't so bad. Donna came over for a bit. Mike went to the hospital and back home. Nothing special happened thankfully. He had started to like that. He didn’t want anything to happen, well except that he wanted to get better of course. Sometimes he just got so tired of being sick all the time. However he was glad to notice that his body started to feel a bit stronger. He was regaining some strength and wasn’t as exhausted all the time. Sure he slept a lot and it was absolutely awful after the treatment sessions he had, but he wasn’t feeling like absolute shit, which was a good thing. 

The only thing with today was that he was a headache. A pretty bad one. It felt like it was starting behind his eyes and then radiation through his entire skull. He groaned to himself and went to push one of the pillows from the couch over his face. 

“Don’t drool on my pillow.” Harvey told him as he passed him on his way to the kitchen. 

“Be glad if that’s the only thing I’m doing on them.” Mike muttered. 

“That’s really gross Mike.” Harvey came closer. ”Here.” He said and when Mike removed the pillow he had a glass of water and a few pills that he was holding out to Mike. He accepted them.

“Come help me with dinner. I do everything around here.” He then said and left.

Mike groaned again and rubbed his eyes but did what he said. It was just a headache after all. He was used to being in some kind of pain and headaches were pretty good comparing to other things. 

After dinner Mike offered to help Harvey with work since he wanted a distraction. Harvey seemed pleased and gave him some files. They had been working for a while when Harvey started to discuss the case with him. Mike was glad that he was able to follow in the conversation. It was a while ago since they did this. He liked that.   
Later that night had Mike blinking again against the TV where he was next to Harvey on the couch. What was up with his eyes? He had some kind of strange sensation in them for some reason. They felt a bit dry as well, as if he had kept them open the entire day. He didn't really think that much more about it though, it wasn't like he could do much about it anyway, but he decide to go to a mirror and see if there was something going on with them. It was a while ago since he had really looked himself in a mirror and he did not like what he saw at all. 

“Damn it!” He swore when he got a closer look at himself.

“What?” Harvey asked behind him.

“Are you following me into the bathroom?” Mike asked, not looking away from his reflection. 

“When you scream like that I do.”

“I wasn’t screaming.” Mike muttered. 

“What is it? You shocked yourself?” Harvey smirked. Mike glared at him in the mirror. 

“No, I was just wondering where my eyebrows went.” He rubbed at the left one but stopped in shock when the remaining few strands of hair followed his finger. “Shit.”

“You haven’t noticed until now?” Harvey asked. 

“I’m not obsessed with my looks like some people.”

Harvey rolled his eyes at him but stayed where he was. 

“I look like a freak.” Mike said quietly. Even his eyelashes where thinning. 

“It’s not so bad.” Harvey said. “Think on the upside of this, you don’t have to shave anymore.”

“I like shaving.” Mike whined. 

“Nobody likes shaving. It’s just hair, kid.”

“I like having hair.”

“It’ll grow back Mike.” Harvey told him calmly. “Forget it, no one cares how you look. Come on, let’s finish the movie.” 

Mike dejectedly followed him back to the living room trying to take Harvey’s advice on forgetting it. He cared though, how he looked. But he tried to convince himself that he shouldn’t. It wasn’t that important. Right? 

He rubbed his annoying eyes again. Had forgotten them as soon as he saw himself, but now they reminded him of the discomfort. But he decided to ignore it and also waved it off with Harvey when he a bit later carefully asked if Mike was doing okay. Maybe Harvey thought that he was about to burst into tears from all the rubbing of his eyes that he was doing.

The next day he opted for staying in bed. It was Saturday so Harvey was home with him the entire day. He didn't think Mike’s idea was any good and nagged about that he needed to get up. Mike blinked hard a few times before he rolled his eyes at Harvey, but decided to get up. Recently he had been feeling kind of guilty of making Harvey stay home all the time. Not that the older man said something, but it must be so boring staying inside like this. Mike was sleeping a lot too. He was a bit worried that Harvey was getting bored.

Eventually he got out of bed without bothering to change clothes ignoring Harvey’s looks. He offered to make lunch for them. Later during the day he noticed that his eyes were starting to bother him again. They almost hurt. He kept rubbing at them unconsciously and even tried to wash them with cold water which didn't really help. Neither did sleeping. 

Later that night he noticed that his sight was starting to get a bit blurry. What was up with that? He went to the bathroom and tried to see if this time there was something visible that could be going on with them. It was kind of stupid though since things were blurry and he couldn’t see his reflection clearly. He swore pretty loud out to himself. Of course that caused Harvey to come and see what was going on. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I was just checking something.”

“What were you checking in here?” Harvey asked and smirked at him.

“Come on! I was checking my eyes.”

“What’s with your eyes?”

“That’s what I were checking. It’s all blurry. Can you check?” He turned to Harvey. 

“What are you talking about?” Harvey leaned closer and looked into his eyes. “I can’t see anything.”

“Yes, something is weird. Look again.” Mike stopped him from walking out. 

“Fine. Come here.” Harvey steered him out in the light to be able to see better. He looked for a while, holding Mike’s head tipped upwards. “There is nothing there.” He concluded.

“They hurt though.”

“How can your eyes hurt?”

“I don’t know. They just do.” Mike rubbed at them again. 

“Don’t poke at them. That’s not going to make it better.”

“You don’t know that.” Mike muttered but followed Harvey back to the living room. They went to sleep early. 

Mike didn't know when he woke up but it must have still been night because he couldn't see a thing. He turned around and went back to sleep again, but then he woke up again and everything was the same. Pitch black. He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes a bit. Nothing changed and he blinked hard. It was then he realized that something was seriously wrong. It was too black! Panic started to grow inside him at once and the first response he had was to call out for Harvey. 

– SUITS –

“Harvey!” 

Mike was screaming his name. Harvey jerked a bit where he was. He had just woken up himself and Mike usually woke up after he did.

“What is it now?” Harvey muttered and climbed out of bed. He walked into Mike's room and turned the light on to find him sitting up in his bed widely staring out in the room. He didn't acknowledge Harvey when he stepped inside. 

“Hey. What is it?” Harvey asked and watched as Mike flinched at the sound of his voice. 

“What…what time is it?” He asked with a shaky voice.

“Seriously, is that what you called me in here for? It's 7:45.” 

“In the morning?”

“Of course in the morning. What's the matter with you?” Harvey asked and yawned. 

“No, no, no it's not! You are lying!” Mike accused and continued to look around the room. Harvey was confused. What was Mike going on about? Why would he ever lie about what time it was, he didn't have a chance to reply though before Mike spoke again. 

“Harvey, seriously it's not funny. Turn the lights on!” Mike was saying. His eyes alarmingly wide. Shit. Harvey swallowed.

“Mike. They are on.”

“No they aren't!” Mike angrily yelled. “Stop shitting me and just turn them on!”

“Mike, calm the hell down. What are you doing? Tell me what’s going on?”

Mike's eyes kept flickering around the room, but now they were starting to water before he rubbed hard at them. He blinked again and took some shaky breaths. “Oh god.” He whispered. Something was seriously wrong here.

“Mike, what is it?”

“I can…I can't see Harvey! It’s dark. It's all dark. Please tell me you are messing with me. Please just turn the lights on.” 

Mike was begging him and Harvey stared at him in shock.

“You can't see?” He stepped closer to Mike and waved his hand in front of him. No reaction. 

“Why can't I see? Why is this happening? Am I blind?”

“I...I don't know Mike. Was it like this when you woke up?” 

“Yeah. I woke but I fell back asleep because it was fucking dark. But it's the same now. What's happening?”

He was breathing hard where he was. He was looking in Harvey's general direction with a pleading expression. Harvey decided to treat this calmly and to examine Mike closer as he sat down next to him on the bed. 

“Let me see Mike.” He turned Mike's head against him and leaned closer to look. He carefully lifted Mike's eyelid a bit higher with his thumb. Mike flinched but Harvey stopped him from moving away. He couldn't see anything that looked out of the ordinary in Mike's eyes. It was strange to have your own face so close to someone else's without them looking at you. Because Mike was not looking at him. 

”What is it? Can you see something?”

“No, Mike it looks normal.”

“No, it can't be. It isn't!” Mike squirmed out of Harvey's grip. “This is so wrong!” He exclaimed shakily and rubbed his eyes hard and blinked. 

“Yes I agree. Look, I'm just going to go and call the hospital, okay. And we will go there and figure out what's going on.” Harvey made to stand up. 

“No, where are you going? No, Harvey wait.” Mike's hands scrambled to grab hold of Harvey, but he missed and Harvey watched his face convert into an even more panicked expression. 

“Where…where are you? Harvey?”

“I'm right here.” Harvey took hold of Mike's hand and sat down again. He couldn't leave yet, not with the way Mike grabbed on to him. He was mumbling to himself.

“This can't be happening, it's not happening. It's not. It's not. Oh god.” His other hand kept rubbing on his eyes. 

“Hey, come on. No freaking out. Mike let’s just head to the hospital. It'll be fine.” He tried to nestle his hand from Mike's, who held harder. His lips was trembling. Harvey sighed and grabbed Mike's hand with both of his and removed it from its grip. 

"It'll be okay. They will fix you. I'll just go and call them and get dressed okay.” He let go of Mike and made to head out of the room. The younger man sat as frozen on his bed, it looked like he didn’t dare to move, and maybe he didn't. Harvey needed to hurry up.   
Just a few minutes later after he was dressed and had informed the hospital about their situation, he was told that they would be expected and some sort of eye doctor was being called. Mike was in the same position that Harvey had left him in. He looked terrified and was breathing rapidly. Harvey couldn’t blame him. This on top of everything? It was just crazy! Mike didn’t deserve this at all, if anything he deserved some peace and quiet, he deserved a break or better yet some positive news. Now he was blind? 

“Mike, I’m back. Let’s get you dressed and go.” When Mike didn’t move he went and found some clothes for him and walked over to him. “You think you can get dressed? I’ll help you if you want.” 

Mike just nodded and started to remove his sweat shirt. It took them a few awkward minutes until Mike was dressed. “Let’s go.” Harvey kindly told him and stood up. Mike didn’t move, but shook his head. 

“How? Whe…where am I supposed to…”

“It’s fine, I’m right here. Start with putting your feet on the ground.” 

Mike slowly did what he was told. He didn’t stand up though so Harvey took a hold of his hand and dragged him on his feet then put one arm behind his back and a hand on Mike’s shoulder.

“Slowly now. I’ll guide you.” He assured Mike. 

Mike fumbled with his shoes after Harvey put them in front of him and Harvey ended up helping with that too. Mike swore forcefully as they made their way down in the elevator. 

“Where are we?” He kept asking and wanted to know exactly.

“I hate this.” He whispered to himself as they had made it into a cab. Mike kept rubbing at his eyes as if he expected it to help. Harvey didn't say anything about it. He was worried himself. 

– SUITS –

His whole world was held in darkness. He could hear the sound that the cab made around him, some street noises once in a while and faint sounds from the cabdriver moving in his seat. At least he thought that was what it was. He tried to wait. If he could just wait with the whole freaking out part that felt like it was just resting behind the surface of his being. It would be so easy to just release it all. But if he did he feared that it would be hard to stop it. Also he couldn't freak out in a cab. He had to hold it back until they got to the hospital. They would fix it there, Harvey had said so. He had read somewhere about this kind of thing happening to other cancer patients. They could fix him. They would get his sight back and he would be fine.

It was frightening to have your eyes open to see nothing at all. It was all just black and nothing he did changed that. Mike didn't like the dark! He couldn't understand why this was happening to him. He couldn't help but think that it was like he was being punished or something. All the bad decisions in his life now came down to this. It was just one thing after another now. He didn't know how he was supposed to take it all. 

This felt like the worst thing so far. He had thought that many times lately but this was different. He didn't know if he would be able to deal with this! The darkness was so thick, he had never experienced something like this and he hated it. He felt so alone and isolated in it even though he knew that Harvey was sitting right next to him in the car. But he might as well be alone in the whole world. It was what it felt like. 

He jerked when the cabdriver suddenly honked the horn.

“Just some idiot that tried to cross the road.” Harvey explained. “You good?”

“Sure.” Mike lied. 

“Okay. “ Harvey patted his arm and he jerked again at the sudden contact. “We are almost there.” 

The rest of the way Harvey spent telling him the street turns they did and what was going on outside of the cab. It helped enormously. He could imagine the streets in his head and did so with closed eyes. 

Harvey helped him out when they got there. 

“Wait here, I'm just going to pay.” Harvey said and left him standing on the sidewalk. It was just a minute but it was terrifying. He was totally lost! He had no idea what to do. Sounds where coming from everywhere and he felt his heart speeding up. Where was Harvey? What the hell would he do if Harvey didn’t come back? He didn't dare to move an inch.

“Hey? Take it easy. It's okay.” Harvey was there again. Harvey took him by the arm and started to lead him away from the street noises. He did his best with stumbling along. He felt stupid when he almost tripped on something. 

“Sorry. Should have warned you.” Harvey said when he dragged him upright again. “We are inside now.” 

“I know.” Mike said. 

“This way.” Harvey pulled him to the left. 

Voices and sounds came from everywhere and he tried to distinguish them from each other and decide which to pay attention to. Harvey spoke some to someone and then Harvey told him to sit down so he did. 

“I'm next to you.” Harvey told him, Mike just nodded. All he had to do was wait. Just wait, that's what he told himself. However he didn't know how much longer he could wait. He closed his eyes and tried to take deep breathes and not to freak out. It kind of felt like he wanted to though. Just scream and be mad. Why was this happening? Why did it all have to happen to him? He couldn’t be blind!

He felt as if he really was on the verge of bursting now. How much longer could he hold it inside? His face was burning and he couldn't help but flinch every time someone spoke close to him. 

He was scared of moving as well. He had no idea of what was around him, so it felt like he couldn't. He tried his best not to think too much about the fact that he was actually blind right now. If he started to think too much about that and what that could mean he would lose. What if it was permanent?

He had no idea how long they waited. It could have been two minutes just as well as twenty, but then they were taken to another room and he got to sit on an exam table and wait some more. Harvey wasn't beside him anymore. He didn't know where the other man was. Mike might as well be alone in the entire world, it was kind of what it felt like. A dark black world with sounds that melted together into one big mess. He hardly noticed that he was shaking.

– SUITS –

Harvey felt so sorry for Mike. He just wished that he could step up to the kid and somehow reassure him that he was there, because Mike didn't know that. Mike sat upright on the exam table, one hand tightly gripping the hem of the pocket of his pants, the other wrapped across his chest. His eyes were constantly flickering around the room in the general directions of the sounds in there. He was nervously gnawing on his bottom lip that quivered. He really looked like he barely was holding it together. Harvey couldn't blame him. 

Mike flinched when a nurse touched his arm without saying anything. He pulled away and let out a gasp. 

“I'm sorry,” she said. “I'm just going to check your blood pressure.”

Mike just nodded and reluctantly let go of his grip of his pants. 

“It's a bit high.” The nurse announced as she stepped away from him. “Someone will come and see you shortly.” Harvey watched as Mike stiffly nodded and pressed his lips tightly together. A moment later his eyes flooded over. He didn't say a word or move as the tears ran down his cheeks as if he wasn’t aware of it. Harvey had to act.

“Hey Mike. How are you doing?” He asked and stepped closer. Nobody from the staff reacted so he walked closer to Mike. All Mike did was to jerkily move his head to the side at the sound of his voice. 

”Hi Mike. I'm right here.” Harvey put his hand on Mike's shoulder to let him know that he was there. Mike flinched again but didn't move away. “You're not doing so well, are you?” Harvey quietly asked, leaving his hand on Mike's shoulder. He got a head shake as reply. 

“I thought you left.” Mike uttered and a few more tears ran down his cheeks as he blinked. Harvey could feel him shaking under his hand. 

”No, of course I didn't. I have been right here the entire time.”

“How am I supposed to know that?” Mike hissed. 

“Yeah, right.” 

“What is taking so long?”

“We are just waiting for the eye doctor. I'm sure he's on his way.” Harvey said reassuringly. Luckily it turned out that he was right, because a new doctor stepped into the room just five minutes later. It was a short balding man with glasses and a mustache. It looked like his coat was too big for him. 

”Hallo there. What do we have here?” He asked. Mike didn't answer since he didn't know that he was being spoken to. After some introductions and some questions between the doctors there, the man turned his attention fully towards Mike. He mentioned for Harvey to step aside. He squeezed Mike’s shoulder and moved to the side. Mike looked crushed at the loss of contact and reached out towards Harvey, only to ram his hand into the doctor’s side. He jerked his hand back again and bit his lips. 

“Your friend just stepped a little to the left of you. He is still right next to you.” 

“Yes. I am.” Harvey said. “Here.” He leaned forward and nudged Mike’s arm.

“I'm Doctor Blom, Mike. It's nice to meet you. What do you say we try and figure out what's wrong with yours eyes now, huh?” 

“Okay.”

“I'm going to talk you through everything we are doing today, and your friend is going to be here the entire time.” 

Harvey felt grateful towards this's man because Mike started to relax a bit more after that. The doctor took a cloth and started by gently wipe Mike's eyes free from tears before he started his examination. True to his word the doctor did explain everything he did and what he thought it could depend on.

“I have seen this in cancer patients before, Mike. Most common is that it is a cause of side effects from your drugs and treatment. But I can assure you that this is most likely not permanent.”

“What? Most likely?” Mike exclaimed and Harvey didn't find it that reassuring either. 

“Mike you are a very sick individual, and your body has a lot to focus on, and your eyes might not be a priority.” 

“Then you make it a priority! I need to see now! You have to fix it!”

“Unfortunately I think that is going to take some time Mike. I cannot just give you a pill and your sight will return right away, but I can give you some pills that will help.” 

“How long?”

“It's hard to tell…”

“How long?” Harvey asked as well, dreading the answer.

“Like I said that is hard to tell, but it might be a few days or a couple of weeks before gradual sight returns.”

“Weeks?” Mike's eyes were tearing up again. “Weeks, I can't do weeks. You have to fix it now.” 

“I can't do that Mike. I'm sorry.” 

“But you have to! I can't do this! I can't be blind for weeks. It's your job to fix it!”

“Mike I know how tough this must be…”

“You don't know shit! Don't touch me!” Mike jerked away from the man’s comforting touch. Angry tears were streaming down his face and he was panting. “Fuck.” He muttered and forcefully wiped his eyes.

“Mike, we will do our best for you but it is up to your body how fast it will react to the medication you will be given.” 

“So I'm screwed, is that what you are saying? I have to be blind for weeks and you won't do shit?!” 

“That was not what I was saying.”

“What were you saying then?” Harvey stepped in with the question. He didn't like what he was hearing at all and could understand if Mike was angry. 

“That it will take the time it takes and that there is not so much else we can do but wait for the medication to take effect. We will draw some blood and preform a few other test, but I'm not sure there is anything else we can do at this point but wait.” 

“Well that's not good enough.” Harvey said when Mike was quiet.

“I don't know what else to tell you. I am sorry. I’ll give you a moment before the rest of the test.”  
He nodded at Harvey and mentioned for Mike before leaving the room, so that they were alone. Harvey sadly pursed his lips.

“Harvey? Are you there?” 

“Yeah I am.” 

”Where?” Mike demanded to know.

”Here.” Harvey patted his shoulder. “I'm so sorry Mike.” 

Mike drew a few shaky breaths and nodded. Harvey waited to see how he would react. 

“Where are you?” Mike just asked again and his hand felt around for Harvey. Harvey sat down next to him on the table then and put his arm around Mike's back. Mike awkwardly fumbled around him, and then flung his arms around Harvey in a hug. A little surprised Harvey hugged him back, feeling how Mike trembled in his arms. The kid clung to him desperately, his fingers digging into Harvey’s back.

“I don't want to be blind.” He muttered against Harvey shoulder. “I…I can't.”

“I know Mike. I'm sorry you have to go through this. But it will be fine. You heard them. It's just temporary.”

“Yes most likely!”

“It will be.”

“But it's for so long.” 

“You can do it.” He hugged Mike a bit tighter ignoring the nurse who just stepped into the room. “I'll help you.” 

He let go of Mike but kept his hands on his shoulders and looked into Mike's unseeing eyes. 

“But Harvey…” Mike whispered and bit his lip. “I don’t like when it’s dark. And…and it's really dark right now.” 

Harvey closed his own eyes from a moment and then just drew Mike close to him again. Mike didn't hug him back this time just leaned heavily against him with closed eyes.

“I don't know what to say Mike other than that I believe you can make it through this as well. Just tell me when it's rough and I will do all I can to help you, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.” Mike sighed.

“Sure.” 

Mike seemed to be satisfied with that because he started to relax more. They stayed for a few more hours during which Mike went through some tests. They were told that they could head home and for Mike to rest his eyes as much as he could. He was also subscribed some eye drops that would help. Maybe. 

When they got back home after a silent cab ride Harvey led Mike to the couch and had him to sit down. He made lunch while keeping an eye on the kid. He then changed his mind and made Mike sit down on the kitchen island instead so that yet could talk easier. Mike just did what he asked without a word. He moved stiffly around with his arms outstretched in front of him. He reached on of the chairs and stubbed his toe on its leg. He swore loudly. 

“I feel so stupid like this.” He exclaimed as he carefully felt around for the seat of the chair and sat down on it grabbing the table in front of him.

“You are not stupid.” Harvey said. 

Mike didn’t answer. He just bowed his head down towards the table. “I hate this.” He said. Harvey nodded before he remembered. “Yes.” He said. 

“What do you think about getting Donna over here? She could join us for lunch.”

“Okay.” 

“I’ll just go and call her. I left my phone in my jacket. I’ll be right back.” 

Harvey was a coward. He had his phone in his jeans pocket, but Mike didn’t know that. He just needed a minute. He went into the bathroom where he was sure Mike couldn’t hear him and dialed. She answered on the second ring and he greeted her. She wasn’t fooled though.

“What’s wrong?” Was the first thing she said.

“I need you to come over Donna.” 

“Harvey, you sound strange, what happened? Is Mike okay? Are you at the hospital?” 

“No, he okay, or he is not okay, but we are home.” 

“I’m on my way, but what is it?”

“Mike can’t see.” 

“What?” 

“He woke up blind this morning. We spend the whole day up until now at the hospital.”

“Oh my god.” She breathed. “How can he be blind? What happened? Is it permanent?”

Harvey wasn’t surprised hearing her questions. “They think it’s side effects, and no it won’t be permanent. But he is taking it hard. I think he would like it if you came.”

“I’m already out the door. Don’t worry Harvey, I’ll be right there.” 

After they hang up Harvey leaned against the door for a moment trying to collect himself. Mike really needed him right now. He had seen it at the hospital. The way Mike had whispered that he didn’t like the dark really stuck with him, because it was nothing he could do to help Mike with that. 

Mike was in exactly the same position when he got back out. He didn’t even move when Harvey walked over to him. 

“She will be here soon.” He said. “Then we will get something to eat. You’ll feel better.” He hoped it was true.

– SUITS –

Mike found himself holding on to the table unable to let it go. He felt like if he did he would lose the little stability that he had. Then it would be like he was just floating in darkness, but if he just held on he would at least know where he was. 

He knew that Harvey was trying to comfort him, but it didn’t help. He didn’t care that Harvey said that this was just temporary because right now it felt like every minute was an eternity. But as long as he could hold on to the table with his eyes closed not that much could happen. If he just kept them close he could pretend that everything was fine. It kept his panic at bay. At least for now. He almost felt dizzy where he sat. He didn’t know how that was possible. Harvey had offered him some pills, but right now he didn’t want to let go of the table and declined. He said he wanted to wait for Donna. He wanted to see her now. Or not see her he reminded himself. He couldn’t see her. Oh god, he was freaking himself out just by thinking. Thankfully the doorbell rang just minutes later and Mike could hear her in the hallway. 

“Mike!” She exclaimed and he heard her walking closer to him. “Oh sweetie I’m so sorry.” He tried to not flinch when she touch his arm but she removed her hand anyway and apologized. 

“Thanks for coming.” He said to stop her. 

“Of course I came.”

They were going to eat after that. It smelled kind of nice, but Mike wasn’t hungry. He didn’t want to eat. What if he missed his mouth? He would make a fool of himself. And also he didn’t want to let go. He had his eyes opened now, it felt kind of rude to have them closed, weirdly enough. 

“The plate is in front of you Mike.” Harvey said. “Eh…I cut if for you too. The fork is here.” Harvey nudged at this hand with the fork and Mike ignored it. 

“Okay.” He said. 

“You should try and eat some of it.” Harvey continued. “Remember we didn’t have any breakfast this morning.”

“Yeah, sorry.” 

“You know what I meant. You have to eat.”

Mike reached hesitantly reached for the fork and then felt around for the plate. He didn’t even know what kind of food it was in front of him. He tried to stab at the plate but missed. 

”What is it even?” He asked. 

”Chicken and rice.” Donna said. ”You need help?” 

Mike shook his head, he had no desire of being fed. He tried again and managed to scoop some rise into his mouth. After a few more tries he got some chicken as well. ”There is a glass in front of you.” Harvey let him know. 

He carefully felt around for the glass and found it. Donna carefully asked about the hospital visit and Harvey explained with my adding things here and there. 

Getting some food into him helped some with his anxiety but he still felt awful. He couldn’t help but feel stupid while he was eating. It felt like the others were staring at him. He felt exposed. He tried to act normal, to breathe normally. He wanted to drink again and reached for the glass but it wasn’t where he thought he left it. He swept with his hand and of course tipped the glass over. 

”Shit!” Harvey exclaimed and rose from his chair and Mike heard him backing away as Mike tried to right the glass and stop the liquid from spreading. ”Sorry, sorry, I didn’t... sorry.”

”It’s okay Mike.”

But it wasn’t, he wanted to leave. He was leaving! He went to push himself away from the table, but his hands missed the edge of the table and instead found the plate that he pushed away. It made a clinking sound and he didn’t know what happened. He jumped down from the chair walked into it, tipped it over, felt like screaming, backed away and didn’t know where he was. Both Harvey and Donna were calling for him but he didn’t know where they were either. 

“I don’t know where I am!” He exclaimed and span around on the floor, his arm stretched out in front of him desperate to find some sort of feature in the apartment to let him know where he was. “I don’t know!” He yelled, wishing they would just help him!

“Mike, it’s okay.” Harvey’s voice penetrated his panic.

“No it’s not!”

Harvey grabbed for him and he almost jerked away. But then let Harvey led him to the left and pushed him down on what was the couch. Mike was breathing hard. 

“Relax. You’re fine.” 

Mike didn’t answer, instead he leaned forward with his head in his hands. He was shuddering and felt Harvey putting a hand on his back. They sat like that for some time. Mike felt the couch dip down on the other side of him as Donna sat down.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” He whispered. 

“I get that Mike.” Harvey said. ”I get that it feels like you can’t. But I also know that you can. You never give up, that's not who you are. All this time that I have known you, you have never given up on anything. You don’t know how to, that’s why I know you are going to get through all of this as well.”

“Thank you.” Mike said after a moment. “It’s just that I feel like I’m going to lose my mind sometimes, especially with this.”

“So? Then you do that, and then you get back to fighting.”

“It’s not that easy Harvey.”

“Well, that’s why I am here.” 

”And me.” Donna added. 

“Okay.”

Mike turned towards Harvey and held out his hand. “Where are you?” 

Harvey took his hand. “Here.” Mike shook it and thanked him again, before falling back towards the backrest of the couch, finding Donnas hand as well. “Do you guys want to watch TV?” Mike then asked closing his eyes. 

“Heh. Sure. What do you want to listen to?” Harvey asked.

“You decide.”

He listened as Harvey went through the channels until he found a movie Mike had already seen, claimed he hadn’t seen it himself and settled on that one. That way Mike could watch the movie in his head as he heard the lines. Laying there on the couch between Harvey and Donna with her hand in his was kind of comforting. Maybe he could do this after all. 

– SUITS –

”Is he sleeping?” Harvey whispered. 

Donna nodded. She still had Mike’s hand in hers. He was leaning against her and she had her arm around his body. 

”You want a drink?” Harvey mentioned for the kitchen. He could really use one himself. She hesitated. 

”I don’t want to wake him up.” She whispered.

”I’ll help you.” Harvey carefully lifted Mike a bit by holding his shoulder and head so that Donna could slip out from behind him. They found themselves watching Mike for a moment. Harvey laid an arm around her. ”Come on.” He went to the kitchen while Donna covered Mike with a blanket and carefully adjusted his hat. 

They sat down so that the both of them could see Mike. 

”When will he catch a break?” Donna asked. 

”I don’t know.” Harvey sighed and told her a bit more about what happened at the hospital, what Mike had said. ”He is scared Donna.” 

”Of course he is.” She was biting her lip, her eyes shiny. ”Oh god Harvey, he is so sick.” 

”Yeah...” 

”What do we do?” 

”I thought you knew everything.” Harvey said lightly. 

“So did I.” Donna answered. 

“We’ll get him through this too. He can do this.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes. But I need help. We need help. We can’t let him think for a second that he is alone in this. You think we could ask Rachel and Louis to help out? Maybe at the office.”

“They will help.” 

They talked some more about it and made up a plan for the next few days. Harvey decided that he wouldn’t go to work for at least a week if Mike stayed blind. He was going to be there. But he couldn’t be at Mike at all times, so Donna would be over as much as she could. 

They also decided to rearranged some of the furniture in Harvey’s apartment, not that he had so much stuff, but for a blind person even with Mike’s mind there were a few things to bump into.

Harvey decided to take a shower after that, while Donna watched over Mike. 

He almost felt guilty for leaving the room. What if Mike would wake up and need him? Sure Donna was there, but that wasn’t the same neither for Mike nor Harvey. He wanted to be there for Mike. He wanted to help him. Needed to help him. He had a feeling they were heading into a few difficult weeks now. He could hardly imagine how this must feel for Mike. How scared he must be. He knew Mike was scared of dying, but this, being blind made his illness even worse, more real. This was a side effect that was so much more noticeable. 

How could anyone be this unlucky? Harvey mused as he stepped into the shower. Mike not only had cancer in his heart, now he had lost all his hair and gone blind as well. He shuddered under the warm water as he closed his eyes and imagined how it must be for Mike. A world held in total darkness and nothing to do about it. He also wasn’t sure how he would be able to help Mike through this. Eating hadn’t really been working out that well. He cursed himself when he realized that Mike only had had a few bites of his food before knocking over a glass getting most of the content on Harvey’s pants. He couldn’t understand how both he and Donna had forgotten about that. Mike had a protein shake at the hospital between tests, but that was all the kid had been eating during the entire day and now it was late afternoon. He would have to force something into Mike as soon as he woke up again. 

– SUITS –

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think about this twist to the story. Poor Mike. It will get worse before it gets better in the next chapter.


	45. Chapter 45

Mike blinked his eyes open, and flinched. He had forgotten for just the few seconds of being between sleep and awake. It was so new still. It hadn’t been a day yet. Or had it? He had no idea what time it was. He blinked a few time. He was laying on the couch, so it couldn’t be that late yet. Harvey wouldn’t let him sleep on the couch the whole night. He didn’t know what to do now though. 

“Harvey?” he asked out into the room. 

“Hi Mike. I didn’t know you were awake.” Donna’s voice answered him.

“I wish I wasn’t.” He said honestly. 

“Oh sweetie.” Donna came and sat closer to him. He jerked in surprise when she touched his shoulder. He wasn’t sure if he like when someone touched him he couldn’t see when it happened. He felt vulnerable, and stupid for it. He just wished he could see. Why couldn’t he see? It was so unfair. He felt like crying. 

“Where is Harvey? Did he leave?” 

“No, of course he didn’t. He is just in the shower.” 

“Okay.” Mike got quiet as he sat up. He wanted Harvey to come back now. He felt irrationally angry at Harvey all of a sudden for not being there when he woke up. He fought to think rationally and to calm down, tried to analyze this need he felt for Harvey to be there. What could Harvey do for him really? 

Everything apparently according to his brain just a few seconds later. He wanted Harvey there to fix everything, to reassure him, to comfort him. Also Harvey had said that he was going to be there when Mike lost his mind, he was about to do that now. 

“When is he coming?” He found himself asking. 

“Well, I would guess in a few minutes.”

Mike felt the anger grow inside him. He didn’t answer Donna, just sat there silently clenching his teeth together. 

“Mike?” 

“What?!”

“You feeling okay?”

“What do you think?” he knew he was rude but he didn’t care. He actually wanted to yell at her. Did she really think that he was feeling anything other than shit? He wished he could leave to go to his room, but he wasn’t exactly sure on how to get there. He felt too unsure and he didn’t want Donna to help him, to pity him. It left him to just sit there, staring out into the darkness. 

“I’m guessing not so well.” Donna said, and he didn’t answer. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, and he shook his head.

“Well, I’m here if you change your mind.”

Mike felt guilty. He was treating her badly and she still was nice to him. He nodded a little. He didn’t want to have to care about that. He didn’t want to care about anything, he just wanted to be able to see, and unless Donna couldn’t fix it he didn’t want to care. She didn’t say anything and he felt bothered by it. For all he knew she could be sitting there just watching him. He didn’t want her to. He needed to get out of there. He stood. 

“Do you need something?” Donna asked. 

“No.” He said with force and carefully felt the edge of the coffee table and made his way in the direction he thought his bedroom was in. He cursed Harvey’s place for having so much open space. He could hear Donna behind him. His finger met a wall that wasn’t supposed to be there. He didn’t know which way to go! He couldn’t figure it out. “Damnit!” 

“This way, Mike.” Donna nudged his shoulder and he shrugged her off. “I know!” 

He found his room and his bed and laid down with his back against the door. He closed his eyes tightly willing himself to just go back to sleep. He felt Donna cover him with a blanket and he didn’t know why, but he threw it off him. 

“Just leave me alone.” It would have had better effect if his voice didn’t break at the end of the sentence. 

“Mike, sweetheart. I know this much be incredibly difficult…”

Mike interrupted her. “You don’t know shit!” 

“I was just trying to help you.”

“I don’t care what you were trying to do. I don’t want your help.” He refused to move from his spot on the bed. He had tears in his useless eyes now. Nothing anyone did was going to help him. Not even Harvey, but he apparently didn’t care enough to be around. 

“Okay…” Donna quietly said behind him. “I’ll just leave you alone then. We’ll check up on you in a while.” He heard her walk away. But then her voice returned. “I’m not mad at you Mike.” 

The last sentence broke him. It made him feel like shit. He was shit. He hated himself. He brought up a pillow to his face and cried into it. He wanted it to end. He wanted to sleep. To be unconscious. To not have to feel. 

He truly hated this disease and what it did to him. He wished he could handle it better. He couldn’t understand why he reacted like this, why he couldn’t be stronger? It was hard to except that he wasn’t who he thought. That he was weak and pathetic and crying his eyes out without even knowing why right now. 

“Mike?”

Harvey was there and he tried to stop. Besides it was kind of hard to breath into the pillow. 

“Hi kid.” Harvey said and Mike could feel him sitting down on his bed. Harvey’s hand landed on his shoulder and Mike didn’t move or say anything. Harvey started to stroke his arm and he was able to relax a bit more because it felt good. 

“Donna is making you a sandwich, and you are going to eat it and feel better.” Harvey told him and Mike believed him. 

– SUITS –

Earlier Harvey had stepped out into the living room surprised to find Donna there alone. 

“Where is Mike?” He asked and was met with a tired gaze from Donna.

“He is in his bedroom. He got upset and told me to leave.” Harvey knew from the way her eyes looked that she was hurt by that. 

“Mike never wants to be alone.” He said gently. “He doesn’t know what he wants right now.”

“I know, so you should probably go and check on him.” 

Harvey sighed a bit. This was bad. It felt like he wouldn’t be able to help Mike much at all at this point. Mike was bound to be freaked out. He still started walking towards Mike’s room, but stopped himself. 

“Donna, do you think you could make him a sandwich? He has barely eaten today. We should try to get something in him.”

“Of course. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.” They went in separate directions and Harvey’s heart clenched when he saw Mike curled up, shaking on his bed. 

Mike actually ate the whole sandwich that Donna made. He timidly told Donna he was sorry, with his head turned in the direction he thought she was in. Donna moved until she stood where he was looking. She assured him that she didn’t care, that it was okay to be upset. They all could be sometimes. 

The rest of the day was spent close to Mike. Harvey could tell that the kid were tense. So far Mike had handled it pretty well. Better than Harvey had expected, but somehow he suspected that it wouldn’t last, that it soon would be too much for Mike to handle. Sure the younger man had broken down a bit, but not in the way Harvey had expected him to. But he could tell that the panicked was there just below the surface. Harvey wasn’t even sure if he would be able to offer much comfort and reassurance this time. How would he do that if Mike couldn’t even see him to know that he was there? 

They just were in a really shitty situation, and they would have to deal with it the best they could. He just felt so bad for Mike. He didn’t deserve this!   
Donna helped Mike to bed that evening. All forgotten between them. Harvey still heard how Mike apologized to her when she handed him his toothbrush in the bathroom. 

Harvey came in and said good night to the kid and made Mike promise to call for him if he woke up during the night. Mike said that the fact that he now didn’t know if it was morning or not freaked him out. After that conversation Harvey set an alarm for the next morning to be able to be awake and there when Mike did wake up.   
Harvey had trouble falling asleep after Donna left. She had stayed until she was sure that Mike was sleeping soundly. She worried too. He didn’t say anything to reassure her. He placed a call to Jessica before he went to bed and explained the situation. She was understanding and told him to stay with Mike as long as he needed, she would handle things at the office. However she asked if Donna would be there to coordinate with her and Louis, and he told her that she would.   
It happened the next day, what Harvey had been both fearing and expecting. Mike couldn’t take it anymore. He managed to hold out most of the day at least. It was painful to see him struggle. He flinched at every noise or when Harvey touched him. He complained about not wanting to eat and grumpily told Harvey not to stare at him. Harvey did try to make him feel better. He talked a lot more than he used to, he described the food in front of Mike, he described the weather, where he had moved the furniture to make it easier for Mike to move around. What he didn’t tell Mike was that he also had moved some of his more expensive things out of the way. He didn’t want to risk anything. However it didn’t seem to help much what he was doing, Mike still freaked out. Not that Harvey blamed him. Mike kept asking him what time it was. He asked that question over and over again.

“What does it matter to you?” Harvey eventually asked. Mike stiffened. 

“I just wanted to know.” He said, head bowed down slightly. He kept his eyes open and they flickered about, following every sound. 

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter, does it?” Harvey asked him. 

“Never mind then. I’ll stop asking if that’s what you want.” That was the first indication of a breakdown. Harvey thought he could spot the signs by now. 

“Just relax Mike,” He tried. “You can ask all you want.” 

Mike ignored him in favor of feeling around him on the couch in search for something, apparently a pillow. He hugged it close to his chest with one arm and rubbed his eyes hard with his other hand. He blinked and bit his lip.

“It’s okay Mike.” 

“No it isn’t.” Was the mumbled reply. Suddenly Mike stood up making Harvey rise too. “You need anything?” He asked. 

“No.” 

“Anything Mike, I mean it.”

“Yeah, right. How about my sight back then? Can you give me that Harvey?” he paused before he uttered “I thought so.” Harvey wanted to argue with him. Mike wasn’t being fair, but he didn’t. Mike had managed to get on his feet and started to stumble out on the living room floor. Harvey could hear him swear silently to himself under his breath. 

“You want me to get you to your room?” Harvey asked and stood up as well.

“No!”

Harvey rolled his eyes. He couldn’t understand why Mike refused to accept help from him at this point.

“Well you are walking in the wrong direction.” 

Mike stopped hesitantly and turned a little, his arms wide out in front of him. He took a few steps, but stopped, swallowing hard. 

“Where is it…where is it…where am I?” Mike was whispering to himself as he slowly stared moving again. His eyes were wide open. 

“Mike just let me help you.” Harvey pleaded, but it was as if Mike didn’t listen to him at all. He was about to knock down a painting with his flailing arms so Harvey stepped forward to steer him right, but as soon as he put his hand on Mike’s arm the kid recoiled like he had been burned. 

“No! Don’t touch me.” He practically yelled as he stepped away. Into the wall. He again jerked to the side, his expression radiating anguish. 

“No…I’m lost, I’m lost.” He said desperately, spinning in place with his arms stretched out in front of him. He was too far away from the wall and wasn’t going to hit anything unless he moved more to his right. 

“Mike, just try and calm down.” Harvey started.

“I don’t like this! I don’t like it. I don’t… I can’t! I can’t!” Mike exclaimed. He was breathing hard and was trembling. “Harvey? Are you there?” he said next.

“I’m still here.” 

”Help me.” Mike breathed and Harvey’s chest ached for him. He put a hand on Mike’s shoulder to steer him right but the touch wasn’t welcomed as Mike flinched and backed away only to walk into the wall. He swore and stumbled forward again. 

“Mike…” Harvey tried to comfort him. This whole situation was just terrible.

“No…” Mike whispered. He looked so scared. He felt around with both hands until he found the wall again. He stumbled forward along it until it lead into Harvey’s bedroom. It seemed to surprise Mike when his hand met air. He felt around for some time but then moaned a bit and just sank down to the floor. Like he just gave up.

“Mike come on, just come and sit down with me for a second on the couch.”

“Just leave me alone. Don’t touch me. I want to be alone.” Mike said quietly and Harvey swallowed not really knowing what to do at this point. He didn’t want to force Mike to something that he didn’t want to do. But it was so painful to watch as Mike started crawling forward on all fours until he found the doorway on the other side. He had almost bumped his head into the frame. He found the corner next. He touched the wall as to ensure that it would move away from him and then he pressed himself into the corner and drew his legs up and hugged his knees. The kid then bowed his head down and rested his forehead on his knees. Harvey watched him in silence, feeling so incredibly sad for Mike. He blinked and felt a few tears of his own gathered there. Mike started crying a minute later. Harvey had expected him to. He knew that Mike couldn’t hold it in this time. It was just heartbreakingly to have to watch without doing anything, he didn’t want to go against Mike wishes of not being touched. He was allowed to talk though. 

“Mike? Look, I know this is tough, but I’m right here if you need me.” 

Mike didn’t acknowledge him, just continued to cry. 

“I can’t do this.” He whispered. Harvey didn’t think it was meant for him. After all Mike didn’t even know that he was still there. The poor kid was really freaking out at this point. It had just gotten too much for him. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.”

“You can do it. You’re strong Mike.” Harvey did try. He was always going to try, but Mike wouldn’t hear him at this point, and Harvey couldn’t blame him.

“Just tell me what’s bothering you the most.” 

Mike ignored him in favor of crying heartbreakingly and hugging himself harder. Harvey could see how tense he was.

“Come on, you got to talk to me, Mike.”

“Fine!” Mike all but yelled at him then. “I’m scared, okay!” His head shot up and he turned in Harvey’s direction. He wasn’t done. “I afraid of the fucking dark Harvey. It’s so damn dark, and I feel like I don’t know where anything is, and it’s like I’m totally alone all the time, because it’s all black. It freaks me out. I’m scared! There, are you happy now? I said it. Go ahead and laugh or whatever.” 

“It’s not funny Mike.” Harvey said, because it was so true. At this moment he had to steel himself to not quiver on his voice. This was the opposite of funny. It must be so awful for Mike, being afraid of something that he couldn’t do anything to get rid of. 

“No, it’s not it’s fucking pathetic.” Mike’s voice did tremble. “I’m so pathetic all the time, Harvey.” He said. “I can’t stand myself. I don’t want to be this person.” 

Harvey didn’t know what to say. He was only quiet for a few seconds but it was too long, because Mike most likely took it as some kind of confirmation, because he turned his head down and soundlessly sobbed while hugging his knees.

“Mike, I don’t care. You are not pathetic. You are the strongest person I know.”

“Well, you don’t know that many people do you.”

“Really? Insults?” Harvey muttered, but scooted closer to Mike. “I mean it. You know I do. And right now, you are in a really shitty situation. I don’t expect you to be all smiles and act like everything is okay. I’m just…” he had to stop for a while. “It’s okay to be scared. I would be too.”

“I’m scared all the time.” Mike whispered. “It’s just so much. This is just another thing, it’s everything. The treatment not working, the operation, the chemo and how it makes me feel, but this…” Mike had to stop when his voice broke, but he started it up again. “This just makes it three times worse. Before at least I had some control. I could at least see what was going on, and now…I can’t. It just scares me. I’m scared of being awake.” He was shaking. Harvey really needed to step in now.  
“I’m so sorry to hear that.” He said. “I‘m right next to you now. I’m just going to put my arm around you.” He did. Mike didn’t flinch away this time, he stilled. “Just close your eyes Mike.” Harvey said as he what he wished was comforting stroke Mike’s arm. 

Mike didn’t close his eyes, in fact he didn’t move at all. He sat ridged next to Harvey, his unseeing eyes staring forward. He wasn’t crying anymore. He wasn’t doing anything at all. They just sat there. Harvey continuing offering his support, Mike still and tense as a statue. As if he was forcing himself to stay like that. He didn’t respond when Harvey tried to talk to him, it was like he wasn’t listening and it got Harvey worried. It was first when Harvey made a move to rise from the floor that he got any kind of reaction. Harvey was just thinking about them moving somewhere else and he had told Mike that. The floor wasn’t that comfortable. But when Harvey removed his arms from Mike, the younger man did react in the most heartbreaking way. His face twisted in a grimace and his eyes flooded over immediately. His body relaxed and he started to tremble again.

“Nooo…” Mike whispered. “Don’t leave.” His hand fumbled jerkily in Harvey’s direction. “Please. I’ll be alone.”

The last part was barely audible, but Harvey was still close enough so that he could hear Mike. He said it like a statement more than anything else.

“I won’t leave you alone Mike. Never.” He touched Mike again. “Look, I told you. It’s just so uncomfortable here. Let’s just go and sit somewhere else, okay? You and me.” He was aware of how he was speaking to Mike, but he didn’t care.

“Yeah?” Mike whispered. 

“Yes. I’ll help you. You just need to follow my lead. It’ll be fine.”

“It will?”

“Of course it will.” 

Mike hesitated. It was almost like he was scared of moving as well. His mouth opened and closed and Harvey patiently waited, standing on his knees with a hand on Mike’s shoulder.

“I’m just having trouble handling this right now, you know.” Mike eventually said. 

“It’s okay.”

“Okay.” Mike finally agreed.

“Good, now come on. Let me help you up.”

“Sure.” Mike held out his hand and Harvey pulled him up and steadied him when he swayed. Harvey slowly led him to the closest bed, which was his own. 

"Just sit down here will you?” he said gently and took Mike’s arm to show him where the edge of the bed was.

Mike felt in front of him. “No, this isn’t my bed.” He said and started to back away. 

“I know that, you idiot. Sit down.” So Mike did. Harvey grabbed a blanket from a chair nearby and draped it over the kids back before sitting down next to him, close enough so that their shoulders were touching. He slowly put an arm around Mike’s back and stroke his arm. 

“We are just going to sit here for a while.” He said. Mike didn’t move. 

“It’s okay Mike.” Harvey said and hoped that Mike believed him at least a little. That it was okay that he was scared, that it was okay that he couldn’t do this and that Harvey was okay with everything. Mike did nod a little. They sat there in silence after that. Mike was working on getting his breath under control. The tension in his body slowly eased up. He slumped a bit into Harvey was if he was too drained to sit up by himself. Or maybe he was just seeking comfort. Harvey squeezed his shoulder a little extra.

“Do you want to lay down?” He asked and Mike nodded.

Then he just leaned backwards and let himself fall down forcing Harvey to do the same. Mike let out a deep breath before he turned on his side and pressed his head against Harvey as he screwed his eyes shut. 

“Okay.” Harvey said. His arm was still beneath Mike. He left it there. Mike sighed a bit. 

”You know, if I don’t die and get better we are never talking about me needing this.” He said, his voice a bit muffled. 

“What about me needing this as well?” Harvey asked. 

“What?”

“Maybe I need this too.” 

“Why would you?” Mike asked. He sounded genuinely surprised.

“Maybe it hurts me to see you hurt like this. So maybe I need this too.”

“Okay.” Mike said after a moment of silence. “But we are still not talking about it.”

“Fine.” 

They stayed like that. Mike’s warm body pressed against his. Mike had gripped his shirt in one of his hands and was holding on like he never wanted to let go. Harvey was just glad that the kid was relaxed. He had his eyes closed now. That meant that he wouldn’t be exposed to the complete darkness that now was his world and apparently biggest fear. It almost hurt inside Harvey to know that Mike was that afraid. He couldn’t do anything about it. He prayed that the medication Mike had gotten would take affect faster than the doctor had promised. 

Harvey also somehow believed that this was the worst they would have though, he knew know so he would do everything in his power to make this easier on Mike. This, what they were doing now seemed to be working. It was somewhat surreal that he was in this position. If his self from just a year ago had gotten to know that he would be on a bed hugging his associate close to him he would have laughed out loud. But here he was and he wouldn’t dream of letting go of Mike at this moment. This was what mattered. That Mike wasn’t scared, even if it just was for a few hours. That the kid could sleep next to him in peace as he just laid there, waiting. He was most definitely a changed person.

– SUITS –

After Mike’s little breakdown as Mike called it in his head, he and Harvey had a long talk. He had woken up and was still nestled to Harvey’s side. He had been embarrassed as hell for a second, but then decided not to care. Harvey had said that he had needed this too. He had no idea on how long he had been sleeping, but he felt a lot better, not as panicky, so it must have been awhile. But Harvey was still there. He felt so incredibly grateful. He told Harvey that during their talk, but Harvey just said it was nothing, that it was what needed to be done. Mike understood what the older man meant. At least he thought he did. Harvey was really there for him. 

Harvey asked him what he could do to help him, and Mike tried to explain how it all felt. He wasn’t sure on how things would help, but maybe if he just knew that Harvey was around, if he knew where he was himself that would help. 

“It’s just so freaking scary, when I don’t know where I am. Also, when…when you touch me without letting me know, it’s just…eh.” Mike paused. “I just don’t like that. When I don’t know.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind. Now come on. Can I help you up?” 

They moved their conversation to the couch, and Harvey got them something warm to drink. Harvey told him exactly where everything was when they were walking. He told him what was on the coffee table. He had gotten Mike an extra big mug. 

“So you won’t spill it all out over yourself.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“You would. I could get you a sippy cup if you like.”

“Shut up, or I’ll spill this on purpose over your couch.” 

“You do that and I’ll go and order it online right now. Not only a sippy cup, I’ll throw all your food in a mixer and make you eat it with a straw.”

“Eww… Wait? Even pizza?”

“Especially pizza.”

Mike let out a laugh. 

“You know what, the upside of this is that I don’t have to see your ugly face anymore everywhere I turn.” 

“You love to see me there.” Harvey smirked. Mike didn’t say anything about that though. He just rolled his blind eyes. They sat in silence for a while. 

“You’ll get to see me soon again.” Harvey pushed Mike a bit. Mike hit him lightly on the arm, after trying twice.

“You know another good thing with this.” Mike contemplated a while later. 

“What?”

“At least I can’t see how bad I look now.” Mike said, causing Harvey to give out a laugh. “You think that’s funny? Seriously…” Mike muttered. And Harvey couldn’t stop himself from laughing again. 

”Oh come on it’s a little funny.” He started laughing more. Noticing how good it felt. He looked at Mike and saw his mouth twitch a bit. Then he smiled too. Then joined in Harvey’s laughter. 

”I guess it is. Do I really look that bad?” 

“Yep.” 

Unfortunately Mike didn’t really feel that much better during the next few days. Mike refused to get out of bed the next day. He just laid curled up, pressed against the wall as much as he could. He had his head buried in his pillows and hugging another close to himself. If he did this, he didn’t have to deal with the fact that he was blind. He could just pretend that everything was normal. 

Harvey went inside his room asking if he wanted breakfast, Mike refused. It surprised him a bit when Harvey let him be. Mike was yet again so grateful towards Harvey because he knew that the older man was making efforts to help him through this. He had started to make his own movements louder now, clamping around in the condo and slamming doors or kitchen drawers. At least then Mike could hear that he was there.   
Harvey asked Mike what he wanted for lunch. Mike said he wanted nothing. Harvey told him he had to eat, Mike said he didn’t. Harvey bullied with a sandwich. Mike got pissed at him, but ate it anyway before laying down again. 

“I just want to sleep Harvey.“ 

He managed to sleep a lot during the next few days. He had a hospital visit which was very stressful. He had even begged Harvey to not have to go, but Harvey had convinced him by saying that he would be there. He felt like a little child with Harvey leading him everywhere, Harvey constantly talking to him, or holding a comforting hand on his shoulder. He didn’t protest though. It was easier like that. 

What wasn’t easier was when he got sick after treatment and couldn’t see where the bucket was when he needed to throw up. It meant that he had to call out for Harvey to hold it, or direct his head every time he got ill. It wasn’t pleasant for either of them. Harvey didn’t complain though.   
Donna came by as well. In fact she was there a lot and kept him company if Harvey had to go somewhere. They didn’t leave him alone and he didn’t feel as scared. He got use to the blindness more and more as the days passed. 

Both Harvey and Donna laughed at him one morning when he walked out into the kitchen. He had managed to put his sweater on both inside-out and with the back to the front. 

“How should I know?” He mumbled. “It’s Harvey’s fault, he does my laundry.”

At least Harvey stopped laughing then. 

Before Mike knew it a week had passed. He was starting to wish for the blindness to regress earlier than he had been told, but it didn’t seem to happen. Everything was still black when he opened his eyes laying in bed. 

Mike swore. He had just woken up and he knew something was off. Something new. His nose felt oddly wet and he had a strange taste in his mouth. He brought his hand up to feel, it felt kind of sticky. His pillow was a bit wet as well. As he sat up he understood what it was. He had a nose bleed. Shit. 

As he sat up it started bleeding more. He felt it run down his upper lip and he brought his hands up to try and stop it. He swore again and started to get out of bed. He needed to either find the bathroom or find Harvey. He was no idea what time it was, if the other man was awake or not. He also didn’t know how much he was bleeding. It was gross however, as he tried to estimate how bad it was by releasing his nose a bit and blood flowed down over his mouth. He tried to stop with both of his hands, leaning his head back.

He stumbled out of his room and towards the bathroom. He felt a bit dizzy and reached out to find a wall to support himself with. He found the bathroom and after some fumbling around also some paper that he stuffed his nose with hoping it would help. He felt tired and wanted to go back to bed and ended up taking the whole roll of paper with him. 

– SUITS –

Harvey woke up well rested for a change. They had went to bed pretty early last night. It was almost eight thirty and he decided it was time to get up. When he walked towards the bathroom he saw something that immediately got him more alert. Something was smeared on the wall, and he realized as he came closer that it must be blood. His heart sped up and he felt cold. The bathroom was empty so he rushed towards Mike’s room. The door was closed and Harvey threw it open as he called Mike’s name. 

“Shit.” He swore as he saw the kid. Mike looked terrifying. Dried blood was smeared across his face, and he had what looked like paper stuffed up into his nose. There was a dark spot on his pillow as well. Harvey shook Mike’s shoulder to wake him up. At first it didn’t work, causing Harvey with trembling hands to feel along Mike’s neck for a pulse. However as he did Mike stirred and twisted a little to the side to avoid Harvey’s touch. 

“What?” he slurred blinking his eyes opened. Not that it helped him much. Harvey had seen that look on Mike’s face a few times now. 

“Are you okay Mike? When did this happen? Are you still bleeding?” 

Mike was quiet for a while. “What?” he asked again then. 

“Your nose.” 

“Yeah, right. I had a nose bleed.” Mike said and closed his eyes again as if he was going back to sleep. 

“No kidding.” Harvey muttered and shook him again. “You need to get up Mike. You can’t lay in that.” It was almost an alarming amount of blood on Mike’s pillow. Turns out that he had been blocking another patch of dried blood with his head. He would have to wash everything. There was blood on the cover as well.   
After a little bit of arguing, Mike was tired, he got the kid back to the bathroom and had him to sit down. 

“You scared the shit out of me.” He muttered as he started to remove the paper from Mike’s nose, ignoring Mike when he claimed he could do it himself. 

“Why?” Mike asked.

“I wake up and I find blood spatters on the wall, and then you on the bed covered in it.” 

“I wasn’t covered in it.” Mike argued. “Right?” He then had to ask. 

“It’s was a lot. Why didn’t you come and wake me?” Harvey got a towel wet. 

Mike shrugged. “It wasn’t a big deal. How am I supposed to know it was a lot?”

“Even if it wasn’t a lot you should come to me. Don’t move.” He started cleaning Mike’s face.

“Okay Harvey, I will.” Mike held his face still as Harvey did his best to get the blood away from it. It had dried around his nose and lips and along his cheeks. He even had some on his neck, how it had gotten there Harvey didn’t know. He also got Mike to wash his hands since, surprise, it was blood there as well. 

“How on earth did you manage to get it everywhere?” Harvey complained as he loaded the washing machine after breakfast. 

“I don’t know.” Mike muttered from the couch. He was slouched back with his eyes closed. When Harvey came back from the bathroom he was asleep. 

At lunch it happened again. They were eating when Mike called his name to get his attention. Harvey looked up and saw Mike sitting there with a hand over his nose. 

“Is it bleeding again?” He asked and removed his hand and wrinkled his nose a bit. It resulted in blood starting to stream down his face. “Shit.” He mumbled and put his hand back. Harvey was already on his way back with some paper. 

“Lean your head back.” He trusted the paper in Mike’s empty hand and helped him cover his nose. “Hey?” He steadied Mike as he swayed in the chair. 

“I’m dizzy.” Mike pointed out totally unnecessary. He coughed a bit and gulped. 

“Gross. Did you just swallow…?” 

Mike just moaned. “I want to lay down.” He looked so miserable and Harvey led him to the couch. He didn’t even remark anything the possibility about Mike bleeding on it. He could always wash that too. Probably. 

An hour later Mike’s nose was still bleeding and the kid wasn’t happy. They changed the small balls of paper in Mike’s nose many times, and Harvey had googled nose bleed that doesn’t stop. He had found some tricks, but Mike wasn’t compliant with trying them out. He just waved Harvey away and told him to leave him alone, he wanted to sleep. 

Harvey was getting worried when Mike didn’t wake up as blood trickled down again from the paper. He called an ambulance then. He shook Mike awake and explained that a hospital trip was in his near future. 

“No Harvey. I’m too tired. I don’t want too.” Mike weakly begged and Harvey watched as his eyes filled with tears. 

“I’m sorry kid. But I can’t fix this. You are still bleeding.” 

“Yeah, I just want it to stop now.” Mike rubbed his eyes. “Sorry.” 

“No, no, you have nothing to be sorry about. It’ll be okay. We’ll get you some help.” 

They got help in from of a couple paramedics that luckily could fix Mike up on site, by using some sort of tool to cauterize the blood vessels in Mike’s nose. Harvey’s heart broke a bit for the kid as he was sitting next to Mike holding his hand as Mike squirmed underneath the paramedics. At least they didn’t need to go to the hospital. The paramedics helped Harvey to move Mike to his bed and left some special supplies and instructions of calling again if it started bleeding.   
Mike was miserable and quiet. Harvey pulled up a chair close to the bed. 

“Harvey?” He whispered.

“Yeah? I'm here.”

“Can I…” Mike swallowed. “Can you…?”

Harvey saw how he turned up his hand and closed it and opened it again.

“Sure.” He said grabbing Mike's hand in his. “I'm here Mike. I'm right here. You can sleep now.” 

Mike that looked like he was on the edge of a breakdown took a few deep breaths and relax. His grip around Harvey's hand hardened and Harvey quietly told him that he wasn't leaving. That was how he spent his Saturday night. 

Mike had a fever the next morning, probably due to the day before. Maybe it was too much for his body to handle. Harvey spoke to Mike's doctor about wether they should come in or not, but it was decided that Mike could remain at home for now. Harvey had to take care of him himself. When he hang up he had to shake the feeling of sudden dread of him. Somehow it felt like things were slipping out of his grasp. But a few deep breaths later he was back to check on Mike. He was asleep which was good. 

Harvey placed a call to Donna who came over after a brief stop on a electrical store per Harvey’s request. She had sounded a little surprised on the phone. Mike’s fever got higher later that night and it messed with the kids head. Donna had left on Harvey’s reassurance that they would be fine. Mike didn't want to do anything Harvey told him which was frustrating.

“Mike you need to take this.” Harvey said for the third time.

“No, I don't want to. I'm not hungry Harvey.”

Harvey sighed. ”I know that Mike, but this isn’t food. This is your pills, which you need to take.”

“No…” Mike mumbled. 

“Yes, you do.” 

“I don’t want them.”

“I don’t care, you are taking them anyway. Now, Mike. Sit up.”

Mike ignored him, and Harvey’s frustration increased. He didn’t want to deal with this. 

“Mike. Now.” He shook him a little.

“Leave me alone.” Mike said.

“I will after you take the damn pills.” When that didn’t work he thought, screw it. “If you don’t take them right now, I’ll leave you here alone Mike.”   
It wasn’t fair. He didn’t want to do it. He regretted it almost immediately. 

“What?” He had Mike’s attention now at least. 

“Sit up now and take your pills.” Mike did nothing and Harvey had had enough. He raised Mike’s bed, grabbed the younger man’s shoulders and heaved him up in a sitting position. “Now.” He said with a stern voice. He took Mike’s hand and put a few of the pills in them. 

“I’m waiting.” 

Mike did what he said then, but Harvey cursed inwardly as he saw how Mike’s eyes teared up. He was crying all the time. What was up with that? It wasn’t like Harvey was asking a lot. 

“Stop crying Mike, and just swallow them.”

Mike did and then started to sink back down. “No, you’re not done.” Harvey pushed the rest of the pills in his hand. As Mike put them in his mouth he grabbed his arm again, noticing how Mike tried to rip it out of his grip. “It’s water.” He said and gave Mike a glass.

Mike spilled it on his lap, and tears followed. “Sorry.” He said in a small voice. He sat there as frozen, glass in hand. He jerked when Harvey took it from his hand and put it on the table. Mike didn’t move. His breathing had quickened. Harvey sighed and Mike jerked again. 

Shit. 

Harvey sat down on the bed and placed his hands on Mike’s shoulders. Mike flinched. 

Harvey’s heart sank. The kid was afraid of him. “Mike?” 

“Sorry.” 

“No, come on.” Harvey pulled the kid towards him and wrapped his arms around him. Mike was stiff and did nothing to hug him back. Harvey put a hand on his head and let Mike lean against his shoulder. Mike mumbled that he was sorry again, so sorry. He sobbed against Harvey, just leaning against him heavily. Harvey just stroke his back and waited. 

He did his best to offer comfort. “I know it’s tough right now kid. I know. I know.” He mumbled in Mike’s ear. Mike didn’t answer him, just continued like before. They sat like that for a while, until Mike’s breaths slowed down. 

“Mike?” Harvey calmly asked. Nothing. The kid was asleep. Harvey carefully maneuvered him to lay down, then lowered the bed. He adjusted the covers over Mike and stood watching him for a second. 

He went back to the kitchen and found the package that he had asked Donna to buy. He was glad that he hadn’t had to buy it himself. He opened the box and had to take out the instructions. He had never seen a baby monitor before. He didn’t get why he hadn’t thought of this earlier when he placed one of the receivers next to Mike’s bed. 

Mike wasn’t a baby, and Mike would probably protest if he could see this, but Harvey thought it was genius. This way he could be in the kitchen or in his own room and he would hear if Mike needed him. Genius! 

Turned out that he got to use it the same night as Mike woke up and was almost in hysterics. Harvey woke up from a sound next to him and for a moment he had forgotten what the hell it was. It was close to three AM and something was wrong with Mike. 

Harvey turned the light on and Mike was trashing in bed. He was moaning and had thrown the cover off him. 

“Mike, Mike, calm down.” Harvey was next to him and touched his cheek. Mike was burning up. 

Mike was breathing so hard Harvey was worried about his heart. He needed to get through to Mike, but he wasn’t listening. He was mumbling incoherently and moved   
around on the bed. He trashed out at Harvey when he tried to get contact with him. Harvey didn’t know what to do. 

It took three hours before Mike fell asleep again, and Harvey was exhausted. He could understand why Mike freaked out like he just had. High fever and blind wasn’t a good mix. Mike had begged him to turn the lights on, pleaded, and looked confused when Harvey told him again and again that he was blind, that it would get better soon. Mike didn’t hear him, instead he called for help. He called out to Harvey, Donna, his grandmother and even his parents. It was just tragic. Harvey just wished he would pass out. It would be better than this. He tried to get some pills into Mike, but it took two hours before Mike was calm enough to accept them.   
Harvey slept in the chair that night. 

Mike was better the next day. He barely remember the night before. Just that he had been out of it and that Harvey had been there. He went on about it, even though Harvey told him to let it go.

“What did I do?” he asked. “I freaked out right?” 

“You don’t want to know.” Harvey told him, but Mike insisted. 

“Come on, did I say something stupid? You can tell me!” 

“Mike…”

“Harvey…?”

Harvey rolled his eyes feeling a bit annoyed. “You called for your mum, kid.” 

“Oh.” Mike got quiet. “I guess I don’t want to know then.” He added. “I want to sleep.” 

“Mike, I’m sorry.” Harvey said.

“No, it’s okay. I asked.” He closed his eyes and Harvey felt like an ass. 

“Look, Mike. We are both doing as good as we can here, alright.”

“I know, Harvey. I’m sorry I freaked out on you.” 

“It wasn’t what I meant. You can freak out all you want. It’s just that sometimes I don’t know how to help you.” 

“What are you talking about? You always help me.”

“It doesn’t always feel like I do.”

“I feel like you do.”

“Well, good Mike. That’s good.” Harvey stood up, but Mike stopped him. “Wait.”

“Could you stay?” 

Harvey swallowed. 

“Harvey? Harvey are you there?” Mike started to sit up, his whole expression changed. 

“Yes, yes I’m here.” 

“I thought you left.” Mike breathed out.

“You thought wrong.” 

“Sorry. Sorry. You can go if you want. I just… I don’t know.” He had a hard grip on the covers. Then he swore. “I wish I didn’t feel like this.” 

“I’ll be back in one second.” Harvey quickly left to change into something more comfortable, got Mike’s meds and a glass of water for later and Mike’s iPad. Then he got Mike to move more to the side so that he could lay down next to the kid. 

Another day was spent like that. They talked, Mike slept, Harvey read and wrote some e-mails, read a few articles out loud to Mike, they watched a movie. Or Harvey watched Mike listened with his eyes closed, or he was sleeping. Harvey wasn’t sure. 

They went back to the hospital the next day to check on Mike’s eyes. Mike got a prescription for some eye drops that were supposed to help. They were strong, because Mike complained that his eyes stung afterwards. The eye doctor told them that that was a good sign. 

Harvey didn’t agree since they seemed to cause Mike a lot of discomfort. He was supposed to take them twice a day. It left Mike’s eyes red and teared up. Mike didn’t complain though. 

“If I get my sight back it’s worth it.” He said. 

Two days later Harvey found Mike blinking furiously on the couch. He stopped in front of him.

“Eh…Are you crying?” Harvey asked him. “You okay?” 

“It’s nothing.” Mike tried, but Harvey didn’t leave it alone. Couldn’t. “Talk to me.” 

“It’s just feels a bit better.”

“You feel better when you cry?” 

“My eyes are not as dry then. Let it alone.” 

“Yeah, okay. Fine. Don’t you have those eye drops? Maybe you should take them.” 

“I can’t see where they are, can I?” Mike snapped.

Harvey rolled his eyes and found them on the kitchen counter. He was the one who did this to Mike. Donna had done it a few times as well. She was way better than he was.

Amazingly the eye drops were working, or something was because Mike’s sight was gradually getting better. Harvey asked him about it one night.

“How are your eyes?”

“Better. I think my vision might be coming back.”

“What?! Really? When did that happen? That’s great Mike.”

“Yeah…” Mike smiled carefully. “Last night or so. I don’t know. It’s weird. I can’t explain it.”

It slowly got better and with that Mike’s mood improved. First he started to see shapes and the difference with a lit room one and dark one. That got better as well, and Mike could see when Harvey was in the room. He was thrilled by the fact when he could distinguish what was happened on the TV screen. Harvey shared in his excitement, how could he not. It was really great news. 

They went back to the hospital and for once got good news. The eye doctor thought that Mike would make a full recovery regarding his eyes. He said that things were looking good. Mike didn’t appropriate that choice of words. “Is he kidding?” He hissed at Harvey. But it was good news, the doctor thought that Mike’s sight would be close to normal in just a few days. 

“So I won’t be needing glasses?” Mike asked. “You said that it was a possibility last time.”

“We will give you some to use in the beginning so you won’t strain your eyes too much.” Mike seemed satisfied with that answer. 

“We should go and celebrate!” Mike exclaimed in the car. So they did. One of the weirdest thing Harvey had ever celebrated. But it was nice to be somewhere else than home for a change, and Mike was more happy than he had been in weeks. He was talking non-stop, reminding Harvey of a time that felt much too far away. He didn’t interrupt.

– SUITS –


	46. Chapter 46

Mike was having a good time at the restaurant with Harvey. He almost felt normal, except that he was wearing glasses. That was a bit unusual, but if it meant that he could read the menu he was fine with it. Harvey was a bit quiet, but was looking intently at him with some weird smile on his face, so Mike left it alone. 

Things were actually looking a bit brighter, literally, at this time. He hadn’t been feeling that bad lately except for the blindness that had been awful. Now when he could see again he felt like a big difference. 

Donna came to see them the next day. She brought lunch with her. She just let herself in and called out a hallo for them as she walked over to the kitchen to put the food down. Harvey was working and nodded at her. Mike was on the couch watching TV. 

“Nice to see you Donna!” He called, smiling. He hadn’t actually seen her in about three weeks. 

“Mike! Can you see?” Donna exclaimed and came up to him. 

“Eh, yeah I can.”

“That’s really great news Mike.” She said. “And I do have to say you look rather dashing in glasses.” 

“Yeah, I do right!” Mike exclaimed, smirking. “They are just temporary though. I might get rid of them in a week or so.” 

“You should keep them. It makes you look smart.” She teases and they spend five minutes where Mike is claiming that he already is. Smart that is. Donna disagrees somewhat. 

Mike finds that he enjoys this. Having lunch with Harvey and Donna, talking about cases, the office, and Mike’s newest nurse. She was cute, but Harvey says he doesn’t have a chance. “She was checking me out more than she was paying attention to you.” 

“Well, that’s not fair I wasn’t able to see her properly.”

Mike didn’t really agree with Harvey when he considered himself as wining the argument, but he let him believe that. He found himself just sitting there listening to Harvey and Donna as they started to discuss something work related. This was what is was like to have a family, he thought. Harvey and Donna was his family now. He could trust them to help him. Help him with everything. Harvey had proved that he was prepared to do that. It was such a relief to know that. It relieved a great amount of stress. He thought it was the same with Donna. However when it got really bad he rather have Harvey there than her. For both their sakes. He wanted to spare Donna from the worst. Harvey could handle it he knew now, even when he didn’t know how to handle it himself, Harvey had known what to do. 

He was so grateful to be able to see. It terrified him that it would happen again though. He had decided to really talk through the medication he was given with his doctors, he needed to make sure that this wouldn’t happen again. It had been scary enough. He really hated the dark. As soon as he had been able to distinguish any type of light he had kept it on, even when he slept. He did not want to wake up in the dark. However it seemed like Harvey didn’t get that, because when he woke up this morning the lights were out. It was morning, and the sun was up, so he didn’t freak out, but still what if he woke up during the night? 

Unfortunately he forgot to tell Harvey about that. That he preferred to have the lights on now. Of course he woke up from a nightmare the next night, only to discover that everything was pitch black. He panicked immediately. He just freaked out. He couldn’t even think. He just screamed, because it was back! He was blind again. It was the only thought that took up his mind. He was blind! It was so dark. 

His heart was beating so hard his chest hurt, he couldn’t breathe! He was dying, this was going to kill him. He screamed again. He was barely aware of doing so, it just slipped out of him. He clawed at his eyes and squirmed around on the bed trying to get up. This couldn’t be happening. 

Then Harvey was there. 

“Mike! Mike! Mike? What’s wrong? What is it?” Harvey was saying. Mike was busy trying to just breathe to be able to answer him at first. 

Harvey was there, right next to him. “What is it? Talk to me! Breathe, Mike.” 

Mike grasped for him, he couldn’t see him. “D-d-dark!” He managed to get out. 

“Shit!” Harvey swore next to him and he left. Then light! He could see, he blinked, and then wanted to sob in relief when he realized that he actually wasn’t blind. Harvey sat down, fumbled with something, and then put a hand behind Mike’s head to keep him still. He then proceeded with putting Mike’s glasses on him. 

“There you go. You can see now right Mike? You are okay. The lights were just out. You are fine.” Harvey rambled next to him as Mike tried desperately to catch his breath. Harvey kept his arm around his back, he was stroking his arm, up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Mike focused only on that motion that Harvey was making on his arm. He did so until he could breathe again. 

“You feel better?” Harvey asked him and he nodded. 

“I thought…” Mike mumbled.

“You thought you were blind again?” 

He just nodded. 

“Well, you aren’t. It’s just nighttime.” Harvey spoke to him as he was a child. He did just have a panic attack because the lights in his room were out, so he shouldn’t   
say anything. “You scratched yourself.” Harvey said quietly as he turned Mike’s face against him. He still had a hand around Mike. Mike didn’t want him to let go, ever. 

But then as his breathing started to even out more, he started to feel embarrassed and unsure on what to do next. He did not want to go back asleep that was for sure. Harvey would want him to though. Harvey most certainly just wanted to head back to his own bed, not sit there with Mike who freaked out just because he didn’t have a night light. He couldn’t believe he was acting like this. Panicking, yelling and Harvey had said that he had scratched himself. He hadn’t been aware he had done that. 

“You feel better now? You are still shaking.” Harvey eventually asked him. Mike should just answer yes and let Harvey leave. He hadn’t even been aware that he was shaking. He tried to force himself to stop. This wasn’t a big deal. You weren’t supposed to be scared of the dark. He wasn’t blind anymore either. He should be able to just let it go.

“Mike?” Harvey shook him a little. Mike nodded then. 

“Good, that’s good.” Harvey mumbled and removed himself from Mike side. Mike felt like he was breaking in two. He didn’t say a word. 

“How about we leave this on? Huh?” Harvey said and turned on one of the lamps by the desk. “Lay back down Mike. We should get a few more hours of sleep.”   
Mike stiffly did what Harvey told him to do. What else could he do? 

“You think you will be able to get back to sleep?” Harvey asked him next and held out his hand to take Mike’s glasses again. He wouldn’t need them now.  
Mike just shrugged. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to do that within the next few hours. Not in the way he was feeling right now. 

“You want me to stay until you can?” Harvey quietly said. Mike didn’t answer. He didn’t want to say either yes or no to that question. Didn’t Harvey know the answer already? Harvey didn’t say anything after that, but he did stay. 

– SUITS –

It took Mike about an hour to fall back asleep after the panic attack. Harvey had learnt his lesson. It had been idiotic to turn off the lights in Mike’s room. He would have to by some new lamp that they could have in the corner that would be on at all times. That would probably be helpful from now on. 

Harvey had gotten about five hours of sleep. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was pretty exhausted. Donna had brought him some work yesterday. Although no one had said something he felt the pressure of actually accomplish some results concerning work. He had seen the e-mails he had gotten from less than happy clients. They were questioning him for being handed off to other people at the firm. He hadn’t told any of them of Mike, but had given personal reasons as an explanation of his absence. Donna had handled most of his displeased clients for now, but she had mentioned yesterday that she wasn’t sure of how long they would buy her carefully considered bullshit as she put it. She said that they needed him to contact them, give them proof of life or whatever. She had a point. He would have to make some sort of effort to keep his clients happy for a while longer. Not all of them complained, most where satisfied with what Louis and Jessica’s work, but not all. 

Harvey’s plan was have Donna make some sort of list of the clients he needed to priorities and then call them, or maybe give them a visit to reassure them. He just had to wait until Mike was a bit more stable. The kid seemed to be a bit better now when he could see again. Like the return of his sight had lifted his spirit enough to affect his health. They just had to hope it lasted. 

“Harvey?” Mike’s voice reached him from behind his back where he was in one of the arm chairs. 

“Yeah?”

“What the hell is this?” Mike asked and Harvey turned around to see what he was holding. He smirked a bit. 

“What do you think?”

“It’s a baby monitor?!”

Harvey just gave him a nod.

“Seriously? You put a baby monitor in my room?”

“Yes, I did. So? Sue me.” Harvey said, containing himself from laughing. Mike groaned and slumped down on the couch. He hadn’t changed clothes and was wearing his glasses and one of the knitted hats Donna had provided. 

“I could you know,” He muttered. “I have cause! Invasion of privacy.”

“Would never work.” 

Mike huffed. “Why did you do it? It’s kind of creepy.”

“Why do you think?” Harvey sighed and raised an eyebrow at him. Mike glared at him a bit, but then his expression changed. 

“To be able to know if I needed you. That’s why you knew to come last night.” He quietly stated. Harvey just looked at him. 

Mike shook his head. “Fine.” He said. “But it’s still creepy. And why did you have to choose this one? They have to have more sophisticated monitors than this? This one is what? Baby blue?” he waved the device around. 

“It works fine. And also I didn’t pick it out, Donna did. She must have thought it suited you.”

Mike grumbled something that Harvey couldn’t hear and after a trip to the kitchen to take his meds went back to his room. Later when Harvey went to check on him he found the monitor back at its original place and Mike fast asleep on the bed. Harvey smiled. Apparently Mike had thought it was a good idea after all. Maybe he felt comforted by knowing that Harvey would be able to hear him if he needed help. They didn’t speak any more of it after that and Harvey was relieved. Whenever Mike was out of his sight and in his room Harvey would have to other device close to him, just in case.

Two days later Harvey dropped Mike off at the hospital with Rachel as company and went to the office. When he sat down at his desk it almost felt strange. He wasn’t used to this, being here, working. Donna had printed him a list and he got to work. He ended up calling all of them. It yielded both good and bad results, most of his clients were understanding when he promised that if they needed it he would get things done, even though he wasn't as present as he normally was. Hopefully they wouldn’t need anything within the near future. Some of the calls were not that successful. One client based in Boston he talked with for almost an hour and wasn’t sure he had gotten anywhere when he hung up.

There was one thing that lingered in his thoughts during almost every phone call. That was Mike, of course. Every call reminded him why he needed to do this. How insignificant all of this was compared to the work he was doing at his own apartment. Taking care of Mike, making sure he was taking all his meds, that he was eating and sleeping, that he wasn’t in pain, that he got to the hospital okay, that he didn’t feel scared. All of those tasks were just so much more important than what he was doing now at work. He almost wanted to scream at some of his clients. He wanted to yell at them that there were other things in life that mattered so much more than keeping a million dollar company from getting sued for some bullshit that they had brought onto themselves.

He didn’t do that of course. He didn’t think anyone would benefit from him doing that, except for him feeling satisfied for a minute or two. Hopefully he had prevented the worst crises among his clients now at least. If Mike kept feeling okay he could maybe bring the kid with him to work a couple of hours during the day. He didn’t think Mike would mind, not if he was feeling alright. 

If Mike was feeling alright it meant that he would get bored. When he wasn’t at his best the kid slept a lot and didn’t demand any entertainment, but if he was better, maybe coming to work would do him good. 

Harvey and Mike hadn’t talked much about that the treatment didn’t go as they wanted. While Mike was blind they talked some of it, but not much. And that hadn’t been that constructive talks either. 

Mike was getting treated, another round of both chemo and radiation. It wasn't sure that it was going to work, but what else could they do? But now when Mike felt better it was like they were lulled in some sort of false sense of security. That things were in fact fine, and that Mike's heart wasn't a ticking bomb. But as long as the doctors were prepared to keep going that was what they were doing. Harvey honestly preferred not think about it, but it was there. 

When Harvey got home that evening he found Mike and Rachel on the couch. The tv was on soundlessly and showed a cooking show. Mike was laying curled up, covered in a blanket with his head on a pillow in Rachel's lap. Rachel was stroking his back and there was a bucket on the floor next to them. Rachel wave at him and smiled tiredly. Harvey nodded at her and quickly went to get changed before joining her. 

“So how are you two doing?” He asked.

Rachel smiled sadly. “He hasn't been feeling all that great. I think he was in quite a lot of pain, but he wouldn't tell me. He just fell asleep an hour ago.”

“Thanks for staying with him today.” 

“Of course. He is my friend.” 

Harvey nodded. “You eat yet?” He asked. ”I can make something for you as well.” 

Rachel seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then nodded. “That would be great Harvey. We didn’t eat. Mike wasn’t really up for it. He wasn’t up for anything.” She whispered when she spoke. 

”I’ll save some for him.” Harvey said and then went to the kitchen as Rachel stayed where she was. When dinner was ready Harvey returned to her and asked if she needed help with getting up from underneath Mike.

“I don’t want to wake him.” She said. 

“How about I lift him up and you slide out?” Rachel agreed to try that so Harvey did his best at lifting Mike as gently as possible and lower him back down on the pillow. He didn’t stir. Rachel looked relieved when he met her eyes. 

”You are really good with him, Harvey.” She said as they sat opposite each other at the table.

“Thank you.” Harvey simply said.

“I hope you know how much it means to him, having you by his side.”

“I think I do.” Harvey said as he looked towards Mike’s sleeping form. 

“We talked a lot today and he told me about him being blind, he said that he wouldn’t have been able to handle it without you. That you kept him sane.” 

Harvey didn’t really know what to say to that, so he kept quiet. It felt good to hear though, that Mike spoke like that. That what Harvey did was helping. 

They hadn’t finished eating before Mike woke up and weakly called out for him. Harvey cast an apologetic look at Rachel before getting to Mike’s side. He crouched down so that he was in Mike’s eye level.

“Hey there. You good?” 

Mike blinked at him. His face showed a range of emotion from confusion to devastation. Harvey knew that he was in pain. Mike’s lips twitched as if he was going to speak, but nothing came out. Harvey put a hand on his head for a moment.

“It’s okay. Rachel and I were just over there having some dinner. I’ve saved you some if you are up for it later. How about some painkillers for now?”  
Mike nodded a little and Harvey told him that he would be right back. Hopefully he would be able to keep them down. 

“You think you can sit up? I need you to drink some.” He asked Mike when he was back. After a moment Mike shook his head. Harvey squeezed his shoulder. 

“Rachel, can you come over for a moment.”

“No…” Mike moaned. 

”Shut up.” Harvey kindly told him. Rachel was there then. ”I’m going to sit him up, and you help him drink some and take those. That good?” He told her. 

”Of course.”

”I can…I can do it.” Mike breathed, but Harvey ignored him, and leaned down and pulled Mike up in a weird sort of hug. “Shit.” He swore when Mike’s head rolled listlessly to the side, before the kid managed to hold it up by himself. His breathing hitched and Harvey felt a twinge inside him. “I got you. It’s okay.” He said. He knew how much this must suck for Mike. He shuddered at the thought of being this helpless himself, needing help sitting up. 

Mike quietly accepted the pills and glass of water from Rachel, her hand supporting his as he brought the glass to his lips. Harvey helped him to lay down again after that, asked if Mike needed something else and told him that they would be close if there was. Mike slept after that and Harvey and Rachel went to finish their meal. 

Rachel kept glancing back towards Mike. She was barely eating.

“He will be okay soon Rachel.” Harvey told her. “It’s just rough after the treatment.” 

“I know.” She said. ”That doesn’t make it okay though.” 

“He is hanging in there.”

“I know that he is. It’s just so hard to see him like this. He’s so different from before.”

Harvey nodded. “He is doing the best he can.” He didn’t know why he felt the need to defend Mike like this. 

“I know that too Harvey, it’s not like I’m blaming him or anything. It’s just, lately you can really tell from the way he looks that he is sick.” 

Harvey could just agree. Mike looked like shit. Too skinny, to pale with too dark circles under his eyes. 

They finished in mostly silence and Rachel left after getting Harvey to promise to tell Mike that she would see him soon. Harvey cleaned up after dinner, put Mike’s food in the fridge and waited for him to wake up. Then he spent about an hour trying to convince Mike to eat just a few spoons of the meal.

“I’m not five.” Mike grumbled after Harvey telling him to take just one more. 

“Could have fooled me.” 

Mike was feeling a bit better and didn’t throw up anymore even though he threatened to do so after every bite.

The next day was much better. Mike stumbled out in the kitchen and actually ate breakfast without Harvey having to nag him about it. 

“I want to go with you to work.” Mike stated.

“Not going to happen.” Harvey countered. 

Two hours later they were both sitting in Harvey’s office. Harvey feeling just a little bit annoyed, wondering how that had happened. 

“I have to seize the day, you know?” Mike had told him in the car. 

Mike soon got bored since he couldn’t concentrate on the file in front of him. He claimed that he was bored and would go and see if he forever had destroyed his luck with Rachel last night. Harvey just rolled his eyes at him.

“Let me know if you have a heart attack!” he called after him and smirked when Mike sighed something at him. 

“It was just a joke, he knows that.” He told Donna in self-defense when she stood in the doorway as soon as Mike was out of sight.

She ignored his comment and sat down in the chair that Mike had vacated. 

“So I see that he is doing better now, if you let him bully you into coming to the office.”

“How do you know it wasn’t my suggestion he came.” Harvey grumbled. She just gave him a look.

“I have something I want to talk to you about.” She said instead.

”Okay.” Harvey looked expectantly at her.

“Do you know what day it is next week?” She asked. 

“Eh…”

“It’s Mike’s birthday.”

“That's next week?”

“Yes. What are you going to do about it?”

“Well, I don't know. I'll guess we will have to celebrate somehow.”

“We should Harvey. We should do something nice for him. We don't know what will happen in the future.” 

He knew what she meant. She meant that they didn't know if this was going to be Mike's last birthday or not. They should celebrate because what if it was? Mike deserved to celebrate his birthday even if he hadn't been sick too of course, it just felt more important now. He still didn’t like that implication.

He nodded anyway. “What do you have in mind?”

– SUITS –

Rachel seemed happy to see him, but he could tell that she was busy. She just didn’t want him to know. He felt a bit annoyed by that. Earlier she would have told him to leave in the door if she had been busy, now she was nice to him and made small talk, asked if he had been eating. The thing was that he didn’t feel deadly ill at the moment. Except for feeling a bit shaky and unsteady on his feet he felt fine. He hadn’t told Harvey that he fell on the floor when he tried to rise from his bed this morning. Harvey didn’t need to know everything, and besides after a few minutes on the floor without any injuries to speak of he had managed to get up and go and have breakfast, without Harvey noticing anything. 

Sometimes he just wanted them to act normal with him, but he wasn’t going to tell them that because sometimes he also wanted comfort and reassurance. He was working hard on accepting that. If he could, things would be easier, he wouldn’t feel so damn conflicted and unsure. 

He had been weak as a kitten last night. He had fallen asleep in Rachel’s lap. It felt kind of embarrassing now, but then he had really needed her. Now though, he could tell that she needed him to leave.

“Well, I think I will go and bother someone else.” He announced and made to stand up, just to have his knees buckle under him.

“Mike!” Rachel dashed for him and managed to catch his arm and get him back in the chair. He had to close his eyes to stop his head from spinning. Shit. What just happened? 

”Are you okay? Mike?” 

He held up a hand to get her to give him a minute. She waited with a hand still on his arm. He carefully opened his eyes to see if the world was still again. It was. 

“I’m fine. I just got a bit dizzy.” He told Rachel. 

“Are you sure? It looked like you were about to pass out.” 

“No, I wasn’t. I just got dizzy.” He repeated. “I’m fine. I promise.” He smiled at her. 

”Mike…” She clearly didn’t believe him, because she didn’t let go of him when he made another attempt at getting up. He managed to get his feet under him this time, and reassured Rachel that he was good. “See? I’m standing.” 

He could feel her eyes on him when he walked away. He decided to drop in on Louis for a bit. It was a while ago since he had seen him, and Louis had been pretty nice to him then. At least he thought so. Louis was deeply concentrated and didn’t look up at him when Mike stepped into the older man’s office. 

“Hi Louis.” He said.

“Mike! Oh my god! You are here!” Louis almost fell out of his chair at the sight of him. “You look like shit!” He then exclaimed. ”Do you need help?” he came closer and reached out for Mike, who quickly stumbled back a few steps.

“I’m fine Louis, but thanks for the vote of confidence.” He grumbled. Did he really look that bad?

“What can I do for you?” Louis said, still a bit too close.

“I was just checking in. Wanted to see what you were working on.”

“Did Harvey send you?”

“What? No! I’m fine. I don’t need any help Louis.”

“Okay, okay. Just let me know if you do.”

Mike stood there for a second, suddenly unsure on what to do now. “So…” He started. 

“You want to help me go through this suit I have against this fake Lego company?” Louis interrupted him then.

“Fake what? Sure!”

Harvey called him two hours later. He had had a pretty nice time with Louis, the case he was working on was pretty exciting. 

“Where the hell are you?” Harvey sounded pissed. “I’ve looked everywhere for you!”

“What? Where?”

“Well… Rachel’s office, the bathroom and the cubicles.” 

“Is that your definition of everywhere?” 

“Just get back here.” Harvey hung up. 

”Well, I better go.” Mike told Louis. He carefully stood up, leaning against Louis desk, just in case. 

“You okay?” Louis asked. Mike stood with his head down for a moment. He didn’t know where the dizziness were coming from. It passed a while later though, but he still felt unsteady on his feet. Louis had offered to walk him back to Harvey’s office. Mike felt himself blush before he managed to get out of there. He did have to pause though, and lean against the wall for a minute. 

“Mike? Are you doing alright, man?” What was with people? This time it was one of his follow associates who asked. 

“Sure, thanks.” He walked away before the other could say anything else.

“Do I really look that bad?” Mike sighed when he stepped into Harvey’s office. 

“Yes you do. About time you got here. Where were you? You need to take this!” Harvey threw a bottle of pills at him. “With food.” He added and pointed towards the table on his right. What looked like a healthy lunch was set up for him there. 

“Okay, okay.” Mike groaned. ”You did this?” He smirked. “Even a fruit salad for desert.”

“It was Donna. Just eat it.” 

He wasn’t that hungry, but ate anyway since Harvey would stop glaring at him every time he put his fork down. 

“You really should eat more.” Harvey remarked twenty minutes after Mike had managed to sneak away from the table to the couch. 

“I can’t, it’s cold now.” 

“You are going to starve to death.” 

“Harvey!” Donna’s voice came through the intercom. 

They left a while later. Mike had a hospital visit planned and Harvey went with him. Mike casually mentioned the dizziness when he was alone with his doctor and was told that it was common, but to let them know if it got worse. 

It didn’t really get worse during the next few days, it just forced him to sit a while longer and prepare before he stood up. If he didn’t stand up too fast he was okay. 

However it didn’t go away because it happened when he was just walking. He was heading to the bathroom when he suddenly felt like the world suddenly tipped to its side. He stumbled into the wall before he could right himself up. 

It was two days away from his birthday now and Mike felt kind of nervous about it. For the first time in a few years he actually wanted to celebrate it. He hadn’t had that desire before and hadn’t actually celebrated it or gotten a gift since he lived with Grammy. Sure he had taken a drink with Trevor a few times but that was about it.

It was different now because he was sick. He had to face the possibility of this being his last birthday. And if this was the last, he wanted to celebrate it. Right now he didn’t know what to do about that. How to bring it up with Harvey or someone else around him. Could he? Could he be like, hey Harvey can we celebrate my birthday this year just in case I don’t make it to the next?

He supposed he could, Harvey probably wouldn’t say no. He was pretty sure Harvey would say yes and do something nice for him, but he didn’t know what to say, how to bring it up so he didn’t. He just thought he would do it the next day, but before he knew it was his birthday tomorrow. 

He and Harvey was sitting on the couch and watching a movie, however all Mike could think of was tomorrow. He still hadn’t brought it up and after the movie Harvey would want to go to bed. He had been obsessing this for some time now. What to say? Harvey’s reaction? How it would feel to actually say it? He just wished it hadn’t have to be like that. It felt pathetic to have to ask for being celebrated. It shouldn’t have to be like that.

“Alright, let’s go to bed.” Harvey said. The movie was over. He had missed his change. He decided it was too late anyway. He tried to tell himself it didn’t matter anyway. It was just a birthday. Whatever. Maybe he could mention something to Harvey tomorrow. Maybe they could at least go to a restaurant or something. 

He had a hard time in bed that night. He wished that Harvey could have stayed this time. Mike had been fine lately, but not tonight. He wished Harvey was there now because he didn’t want to go to sleep like this. His heart ached. He glanced at the baby monitor that still stood at the nightstand. It would be so easy to just call out to Harvey and he would come, but that would mean that he would have to explain why he was upset, why he just wanted some company. But he didn’t want to talk about it, so he remained quiet.

It took him hours to fall asleep.

– SUITS –

Harvey had everything prepared. He stood for a minute and watched what he had set up on the counter. It looked good, the only thing that was missing now was Mike. He was still asleep, but Harvey decided it was time to wake him up. 

He peaked into the kid’s room and saw that he was indeed asleep, on his back with one arm over his chest. 

“Mike?” 

Nothing. Harvey rolled his eyes and tried again. And this time Mike blinked awake. 

“What?” he hoarsely slurred. 

“Good morning.” 

“Hi.” Mike closed his eyes again. 

“How did you sleep?” 

“Okay.” Was the only answer he got, Mike didn’t even open his eyes. Harvey stood there feeling a bit stupid, because it was obviously clear that Mike had no desire of getting up. He also got that nervous feeling of worry that something was wrong. He decided it was time to do something different. So he walked over and sat down on the bed and put his hand on Mike’s shoulder. Mike opened his eyes in surprise.

“It’s time to get up Mike. I’ve made breakfast.”

Mike stared at him. “I’m not really hungry.”

“Too bad. Come on.” 

“Fine.” Mike groaned. He sat up slowly and stayed at the edge of the bed for a few minutes before he was ready to stand up.

Harvey led Mike out into the living room and then towards the table. Mike stopped as he laid his eyes on it. Carefully placed out next to breakfast plates for both of them were four wrapped gifts. 

“What is this?” Mike stared at the table. 

“What do you think Mike?” Harvey smiled. “Happy birthday kid!” He patted Mike's shoulder. Mike looked at him as if he was crazy, before he looked back at the table, eyes wide.

“You… It's for me?” He then asked quietly.

“No, it's for me. What do you think? Of course it's for you.” Harvey rolled his eyes.

“Harvey…” Mike mumbled as he stumbled at few steps closer.

“Yeah, also Donna is coming over after lunch, so if you are up to it you can help with dinner. We invited Rachel, Louis and Jessica so they are showing up around six.” 

“What?” Mike breathed. “We…we're going to celebrate my birthday?”

“Yes Mike.”

“I haven't done that in years.” Mike said quietly. Harvey thought that his eyes looked a bit shiny.

“It’s about time then.” Harvey said and put and hand on Mike shoulder and pushed him forward to a chair. Mike complied. He sat down, but didn’t move. He just stared the gifts and the food. 

”Mike? You okay?” Harvey asked. He wasn’t sure of the expression Mike’s face were showing. He had sat himself down in front of the other man. Mike shook himself a little and then looked over at Harvey with a smile on his face.

“I can’t believe you did this.” He let out a laugh. “Can I open them?” 

“Go ahead.” 

It was like his whole persona changed as Mike reached out for one of the gifts. He brought it in front of him and studied it for a second before carefully starting to peeling of the paper. But he stopped himself and looked up again. 

“I can’t believe you knew.” He said. ”Was it Donna?” 

Harvey pretended to be offended. “I knew!”

“You have no idea what this means to me Harvey. Thank you.” Mike said quietly holding his eyes. 

”Come on. You haven’t opened them yet.” 

Mike rolled his eyes and went back to his gift.

Harvey wanted to make another comment on how slow the kid was being but he didn’t. He felt kind of nervous which made him feel stupid. He didn’t want to care this much about what Mike would think about the presents he’d gotten. Someone might have said that he had been obsessing about it. Someone might even had said it, that someone being Donna at the office when he went through it with her. 

“Harvey, no matter what you buy him he will love it. He adores you.” 

“Yes, you said that Donna, but still, what should I buy him?”

He had wanted the gifts to be meaningful and useful, but he had a hard time figuring out what that would be. Donna was probably right, Mike would like whatever he got him, but what would it be? With Mike being as sick as he was Harvey didn’t know what would be useful for him. So now he watched Mike with trepidation. 

”Are you kidding me?” Mike exclaimed and held out the hoodie with a print in form of a shirt and a tie. “I’ll look ridiculous wearing this!” he laughed. 

“No, you won’t. You look dashing and still be comfortable. Those are all you wear now a days. This will give you some class.”

“You’re crazy. Thanks.” 

He went for the next gift. 

“Are these real? That’s awesome. I can’t wait!” He held up two open tickets for a basketball game. They could go any time they wanted. Harvey had gone back and forth whether to get them or not. Changes were that they never were going to be able to use them. But he couldn’t think like that, he refused to think like that. They would get the chance, if not now a bit later. Mike didn’t say anything else just grabbed the next gifts and ripped it open. He wasn’t as careful as he was at first.

“What is this? You got me a pillow?” Mike held it up and looked questioningly at Harvey.

“Yeah, I did. It’s a special pillow. Look over here.” Harvey turned it over to show Mike. “You plug it to your phone and you can listen to music on it.” 

“You got me a music pillow. Heh. Thanks.” He laid his head down on it and hugged it a little. “Comfy.” 

“Don’t fall asleep. There is one left.” Harvey pushed it towards him. 

Mike opened it and held the law book up. He looked at Harvey. 

“That’s my first one.” Harvey said. “I had it all threw Harvard. Went through a lot with that one.” 

Mike drew a hand over the worn cover. “I can’t accept this Harvey.” He calmly said. 

“Of course you can. I just gave it to you. It’s yours. I figured you should have something real from Harvard.” 

“Funny. But thank you Harvey. This is really nice.” 

“You are welcome Mike. Now let’s eat something. I’m starving. You know I did let you sleep in, since it’s your birthday and all.” 

“And I’m grateful for that as well.”

They ate while talking. Mike seemed happy but tired. 

“So, is it something you want to do today then? Before the other’s gets here. Anything?” Harvey asked as he was busy with cleaning away the breakfast, throwing out Mike’s half eaten sandwich.

Mike thought for a while. “I would like to go outside.”

“Is that what you want to do? I tell you that you can choose whatever you want, and you want to go outside?” 

“I haven’t been outside in like forever, Harvey.” 

“Well, it’s not going to happen. You can’t go outside.” 

Mike rolled his eyes. ”You said anything.” He muttered. Harvey sighed. 

”Fine, but you are going in a wheelchair.” 

“You don’t have a wheelchair. You returned the one you borrowed earlier.” 

“Donna can get one.” 

“Fine.” 

“Really?” Harvey said, he had expected to have to fight more. 

“It’s not that I can walk around for long anyway right now.” 

Harvey nodded and reached for his phone. Mike had hunched down a bit more in the chair when Harvey was down. He was reading in the law book. 

“Why don’t you go and lay down for a while until Donna gets here?” Harvey asked him, and Mike did. 

Harvey set out to prepare for later. He had decided to cook himself for once. He couldn’t remember a time when he had hosted a dinner like this. But it was nice. He looked forward to it. Mike deserved a break and to have a good time, and Harvey was planning on making that happening. 

He went over to check on the kid and couldn’t help but smile. Mike had changed into the suit hoodie and was sleeping on his new pillow. 

Harvey had personally done a round at the office and invited his collages. They had all accepted right then and there. 

– SUITS –

Mike woke up by someone shaking him gently. He blinked up into Donna’s smiling face. 

“Happy birthday Mike.” She said and leaned over to hug him. At first he was too out of it from sleep to react, but then hugged her back. 

“Thank you Donna.” 

“How are you feeling? Harvey said you have been tired all morning.”

“Isn’t still morning?” 

She had brought some gifts for him as well, and after he had opened them she kept him company on his bed for a while. He felt truly happy with her sitting there by his feet. This was the happiest he had been in a long time. 

He was so amazed that he actually was going to be able to celebrate his birthday today. He felt so grateful towards both Donna and Harvey. He shouldn’t have doubted them like he had. He glanced over to the book on his nightstand. It was the most meaningful gift he had ever gotten. Harvey must have treasured it, and he had given it to Mike. How great was that? Donna had gotten him a warm blanket and a stylish pajamas. Both great things. 

“You ready to go?” Harvey walked in to the room a while later. And they left thirty minutes after that. Mike didn’t even ask how Donna had managed to come up with a wheelchair for him just like that. 

He didn’t like sitting in it, but had decided to just accept it. He wanted to go outside, a change of scenery and some fresh air. At least as fresh as it could get in the city. Harvey had called the hospital too and asked if it was okay that they went out, and it was encouraged. 

They went to the park close to Harvey’s condo, the three of them. Harvey was pushing Mike and Donna walked next to him, talking about everything and nothing.   
Except for sitting in a wheelchair Mike almost felt normal, if not a bit tired. Or actually he was exhausted, but did his best to ignore it. He had been pretty successful so far.

“You want to walk by yourself for a bit?” Harvey suddenly asked. “Your doctor said it would be good for you.” 

Mike agreed and took Harvey’s hand as the older man dragged him up. Harvey had to steady him with both hands as Mike swayed a little. For a short while he thought he was doomed to fail, but then got his legs to work. He walked along side of the path next to Harvey, Donna was manning the wheelchair. Harvey kept close to him, they even bumped into each other a few times. Mike wanted to say something but didn’t. Not even when he sensed Harvey’s arm behind him as he happened to stumble a little.

“You want to sit down a little?” Harvey asked. Mike nodded so they did, on a park bench close by. 

Mike adjusted his hat a little and shivered a bit. He should have worn that extra sweater that Donna wanted to put on him. He scotched a bit closer to Harvey until their shoulders were touching. Harvey felt warm. 

“Okay…” Harvey muttered, but stayed where he was. Donna sat down on his other side. The wheel chair standing next to her. 

Donna continued their conversation from before. Mike added something once in a while, but mostly it was Harvey and Donna who talked. Mike felt himself getting more and more tired. He was pretty sure that he was going to fall asleep any minute. Eventually he just gave in and let his head rest against Harvey shoulder. 

– SUITS –

“Is he sleeping?” Harvey said where he stiffly sat, Mike was heavily leaning against him. 

Donna leaned forward to check. She smiled widely before fishing out her phone, got up from the bench and snapped a photo of them, before Harvey could do anything to stop her. 

“Come on, Donna!” he groaned. 

“What? It’s cute. I’ll frame it for you.” She looked at the screen. 

They sat there in silence for a while, both wanting to let Mike sleep. Harvey could feel the warmth from him where he pressed against his side. 

Harvey had been a bit surprised when Mike had agreed to sitting in the wheel chair just to get to go outside. But apparently he really had wanted to go outside, and now here they were, kind of waiting for the kid to wake up again so they could continue. They got some weird looks from people passing by, but Harvey just stared at them until they looked away. They probably made a sight like this, but he didn’t care. 

Twenty minutes later Mike was still sleeping, Donna insisting on that the air was doing him good. But they decided to wake him. He blinked around with a confused look on his face when Donna shook him. 

“Where are we?” He asked and leaned away from Harvey. 

“In the park. You thought it was naptime so we sat down for a minute. Are you ready to head home?”

“Sure.” Mike stood up, and would have fallen if Harvey hadn’t caught him and got him in the wheel chair.

Mike muttered that he was fine and could walk but was ignored. 

When they got back to the condo he was put on the couch and told to stay there. He complained but was asleep a few minutes later. Harvey just shook his head when he saw him. But it was good that Mike got some sleep before the others got there. It would be a plus if the person whose birthday it was, was awake. 

Harvey woke him just before the others were to arrive. 

“You have basically been sleeping all day.” Harvey told him as he watched Mike drunkenly sit up. “Is everything alright?” 

“Yeah, I was just tired I guess.” 

“Why are you so tired all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know. I was up all night thinking last night.” Mike reluctantly admitted after Harvey stared at him. 

“Thinking about what?”

Mike shrugged a bit. “About today I guess.” He reveled. Harvey didn’t get something else out of him. 

Rachel arrived first followed by Louis and Jessica. Mike was constantly smiling, albeit though a bit shyly when he accepted a gift form Jessica, a warm sweater and a classy knitted hat that went with it. They had all gotten Mike gifts of course. A couple of books from Rachel. Protein bars and a Dictaphone from Louis. Mike laughed out loud. 

”What am I supposed to do with this?” he asked as he held it up.

“What can’t you do?” Louis argued and went on for five minutes. Mike patiently listened. 

They all had dinner after that. Healthy and light for Mike’s sake. Mike ate almost like a normal person and even had half of his desert. 

Harvey was pretty sure all of them involved had a great night. Mike was happy and talkative. 

After desert they moved to the couch area and talked and had some tea. Tea was the only thing that Harvey offered. He didn’t want Mike to feel left out in any way, so they were all having tea. No one complained. It was actually nice, sitting like that, all of them. It was something they had never done before. 

Harvey could tell that Mike was getting tired. He was curled up on the couch next to Donna, leaning his head on the back of the couch. He wasn’t engaged in the other’s conversation, just watching them and listening. Maybe it was time to call it a night. 

Harvey discreetly nodded towards Mike when he caught Donna’s eyes. She got the hint of course and she and the others left shortly after that. Mike thanked them all and even hugged Louis. 

Harvey followed them to the door and thanked them himself. Then he joined Mike on the couch. 

“I hope you had a nice birthday today kid.” He sighed. It had been a pretty long day. 

”Are you kidding me?” Mike smiled. ”This was the best birthday ever! Thank you Harvey. Thank you so much.” 

“You’re welcome, Mike.” Harvey smiled back.

“You know, I went to bed last night thinking I might never get another change to celebrate my birthday again and I really wanted to ask you about it. But you knew. That was the best gift.”

“I’m glad Mike.” 

“Me too.” 

Harvey put his arm out and patted Mike’s shoulder. “We’ll celebrate again next year.” He said.

“Yeah…” Mike said quietly. They fell into silence after that. When Harvey glanced over to look at Mike he saw that he was already asleep. 

– SUITS –

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	47. Chapter 47

Mike found himself on the floor. Damn it! He had just intended on going to the bathroom, but had gotten dizzy and barely managed two steps before he was on the floor next to his bed. 

He wasn’t even sure how he had ended up in his bed after yesterday’s birthday celebration. It had been one of his best birthday’s that he could remember. He had never appreciated his birthday more. As a kid it had been great but he had expected it to happen, that was before his parents died of course. After that he hadn’t really wanted to celebrate it that much. It felt too empty without them. 

Yesterday had been different. Amazing actually. They had all been there for him. They had treated him normally, like he wasn’t sick. Obviously he was, because he couldn’t get up now. His knees had taken most of his weight when he went down and they hurt now. He tried to get up on his hands and knees but couldn’t get the strength to do so. He breathed deeply feeling mostly angry. His arms were too weak to hold him up and when he tried they gave out and he just ended up smacking his cheek on the floor. 

He was just tired, that had to be it. And he shouldn’t have tried to get out of bed that fast, he should have waited a few minutes. 

“Harvey?” he called out. He didn’t want to stay on the floor anymore. It was kind of cold. He rested his head on the floor as he heard footsteps coming towards him. Good. 

“Shit!” Harvey swore when he stepped into the room. “What the hell are you doing on the floor?” he got down on his knees next to Mike. “Mike?”

“I’m fine.” Mike muttered. ”Just help me up.” 

Harvey did help him, but had this look on his face the whole time. Mike wanted to tell him to stop looking like that, but he didn’t. Instead he let Harvey help him up and sit on the bed. He felt all shaky after the effort of getting there. 

“You sure you are okay?” Harvey was asking.

“Yes. I just got a little dizzy.”

“Did you fall?”

“Just a little.”

“Just a little?” Harvey huffed. 

“Yeah.” 

“You know, we still have the wheel chair.” Harvey offered smirking and Mike tried to punch him, but he was too far away, and Mike almost fell out of bed again. Harvey just shook his head at him, asked if he should get it, and laughed when Mike glared at him. He did stay though, until Mike was sure he was steady enough on his feet to come with him out from his room. 

He slept a lot that day. Mostly on the couch. Harvey was around. Mike was pretty sure it was the weekend. 

He didn’t really trust his ability to walk at the moment. He felt better when he could keep on hand on the wall when he was walking, just in case. He did try and avoid it as much as he could. He didn’t know if this counted as worse, concerning the dizziness. His doctor had told him to let them know if it had. But it was common for people like him, that was what he had been told. He had googled a bit as well and wasn’t overly worried. It was a bit scary though, to not be able to trust his own body. 

He had had a few episodes during the last few days. Almost fallen in the bathroom had been the worst. It was a lot of sharp hard things in there. He didn’t want to break something. 

He hadn’t mentioned anything to Harvey. He probably should have. Things had been easier if he had.

He was just going to put his glass away after taking a few pills. He was in the kitchen by the counter, when he felt one of those dizzy spells coming over him. He didn’t have much time but he managed to set it down, before he went down. It was such a strange feeling. Like the world just tilted on its side with him having no chance to adapt to it. Unfortunately he was too close to the counter so his cheek took a rather hard hit on his way down. For a second it caused everything to blur out. He was dazed and hurting all over when he came to again. He was pretty sure that he hadn’t passed out but now Harvey was there, very close to him. He was speaking.

”Mike? Mike? Come on kid, talk to me.” Harvey was holding a hand underneath his head. “Mike please.” 

He should really answer, Harvey sounded freaked. “Hmmm…” he got out. His cheek hurt! It hurt to move it. 

”What?”

”Fine.” he got out. 

”You are not fine. I saw you go down. That did not look like fine.” 

“Am.”

“You know, when you talk in one-syllables it doesn’t help your case.”

Mike tenderly rubbed his cheek a bit. It felt mostly whole. Probably not broken. He moved it a little. “I’m fine.” He then said. 

Harvey rolled his eyes at him. 

“Sure you are.”

“Help me up.” Mike groaned. He didn’t want to lay like this anymore. And besides he was fine. However Harvey didn’t seem to agree. He didn’t want to let it go. 

– SUITS –

Harvey had been on the couch, reading a file when he happened to glance over towards Mike just in time to see him stumble forward a little and then just drop to the ground, however not without hitting his face painfully hard on the kitchen counter. Shit! 

Harvey was off the couch without even thinking and rushing towards Mike. It had looked very bad. The way Mike’s face had collided with the counter. What if he had broken his jaw? And why the hell did he just fall? Was it his heart? Was it another heart attack? Did the kid’s heart just stop? All of these thoughts had rushed through his head by the time he reached Mike. He was in a heap on the floor. Was he awake?

Harvey carefully turned the younger man around on his back. There was a read angry bruise on the kid’s cheek. Mike was unconscious. Harvey swallowed hard as he felt around Mike’s neck for a pulse. He sighed in relief as he felt one. 

“Mike? Mike? Wake up!” he tried. Mike didn’t stir. Did he hit his head as well? He needed the kid to wake up so that he could determine what the situation required of him. He needed to bring Mike to get checked out. That was just a fact, but he would prefer Mike to wake up first. He didn’t want to call an ambulance if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. 

As he carefully placed a hand under Mike’s head he again tried to wake him up. This time Mike slowly blinked his eyes open. He was groggy and not fully there. He claimed that he was fine though and Harvey didn’t believe him for a second, but he helped Mike to sit up. 

He kept his hand on Mike’s shoulder as Mike leaned towards the kitchen island with closed eyes, not helping Harvey getting convinced that he was fine. He didn’t like the way Mike tried to just brush this off. He had just fallen to the ground just like that without anything seemingly being the cause. That wasn’t nothing. 

Mike tried to get up then. He failed completely. He would have crashed to the floor again if it hadn't been for Harvey catching him. That was enough for Harvey.

”That’s it! We are going to the hospital. You know, this is one time too many that I have seen you stumble and fall like that. Don’t think I haven’t noticed Mike. You hurt yourself this time, something is wrong with you.”

“What isn’t wrong with me? It’s just some balance crap. I don’t have to go there to have them tell me that.”

“It could be something serious and you might have hurt yourself just now. You are going.”

Harvey was already starting to look for his wallet and phone to bring with him. 

”No! I’m not going! I won’t. It’s not necessary Harvey. I already asked about it.” Mike were saying once again. What the hell was with the kid? Harvey was staring to get pissed. He had had enough. They had been over this before, Mike not wanting to go. Harvey didn’t get why? Right now he didn’t care what Mike was saying though. He went on about that it wasn’t necessary and that he had brought it up with his doctor and that it was fine. But nothing with this was fine. Mike had just been walking to be on the floor the next second. And it wasn’t the first time. He had seen how Mike walked with a hand on the wall for support.

He had also asked Donna if she had noticed anything, she hadn’t seen anything but told him that Rachel had expressed concern about Mike. Saying something about him falling in her office.

Harvey was worried and had already made up his mind, no matter of what Mike said. Even if it was like Mike said Harvey wanted to hear it for himself. Mike needed an x-ray of his face as well. They were going to the hospital. 

But Mike refused. He said he was tired and wanted to sleep. You couldn’t do that in the hospital he claimed.

“They have beds everywhere. Of course you can sleep!” Harvey exclaimed.

“I have a bed here as well. Come on Harvey. Just leave it alone.”

“I’m not going to leave it alone until you have been checked out.”

Mike stared at him. He looked angry. “I don’t want to go.” He said.

Harvey felt anger surge in him. He knew what would get Mike to agree with him. It wasn’t fair he realized after he had said it, but if it got Mike there, so what the hell?

“I don’t care. You are going. And you are going to go there right now with me, or I’m calling an ambulance here and I will let them take you there.” 

– SUITS –

Harvey voice was hard and cold as he said the last part and Mike felt himself stiffen as the anger ebbed out of him. What? Was Harvey serious? He looked serious, dead serious in fact. Would he do that? Call and let them take him away? It felt like he couldn’t breathe all of a sudden. Everything that he had been feeling just a second ago had died inside him, gone were the defiance, irritation and anger only sudden intense fear remained. It took hold of his whole being. He swallowed hard. He wanted to scream, to beg, to cry. 

”Fine.” He manage to get out. He had to act normal. Like he wasn’t afraid.

”You want me to call an ambulance?” Harvey asked. 

“No! No, fine as in I’ll go, okay. I’ll go. If you want me to go there I will.”

“Good, I’m glad we agree.” Harvey said shortly. “Let’s go then, right now.” 

Mike couldn’t meet his eyes. He just couldn’t. He needed to get up now. Why wasn’t Harvey helping him? He was just standing there waiting for him, when the whole reason for them to go to the hospital was that his balance was off. 

“No ambulance.” He said, or it was more like a question.

“No. Come on Mike.”

“C-ca-can you…can you help me?” he whispered. He hated the way his voice sounded now. He wasn’t sure Harvey had heard him, because he didn’t move from where was, waiting at the end of the kitchen island. He pushed against the floor as he tried to stop from shaking. He bit his tongue. He didn’t want Harvey to know how scared he was, he couldn’t let him know. 

“Sure.” Harvey said then and stepped over to him, like he realized, remembered. He took a hold of Mike’s arm and heaved him up. Everything was spinning and for a moment he was sure he was going to tip over again but Harvey steadied him. He didn’t say anything just held on to him. He held too hard, it was hurting. It was because he basically was holding Mike upright by a grip around both of his arms. Mike wanted to tell him, but he didn’t. Harvey was mad at him now, he couldn’t make it worse. 

“You good?” Harvey asked and Mike nodded. Harvey didn’t wait, just dragged him beside him to the door, to the elevator and then to a waiting cab. Harvey didn’t say a word to him during the ride to the hospital. Mike found himself sitting there staring down at his feet with his head turned away from Harvey as much as possible. His mind was racing. He felt close to tears but refused to let them fall. What if Harvey would actually leave him at the hospital? What if he didn’t want to come with Mike inside? And what if… 

When they got there Harvey told him to stay put until he came around and helped him out of the car. Mike swayed again and Harvey sighed. It wasn’t his fault! He wanted to scream that in Harvey’s ear. He kept quiet. Harvey was sick of him now. Harvey wanted to get rid of him. He was being difficult. A burden. If he just had told Harvey about feeling dizzy and unsteady when he stood or walked, maybe then this wouldn’t have happened. 

But Harvey led him inside. He spoke to a nurse, then to one of Mike’s doctors and they were shown inside an exam room. They did test and asked him questions. It was the usual. When did it start? How many times did it happen? Any pain? Any other symptoms? Did it happen during any certain time? 

He answer the best he could, but had a hard time focusing. His brain was occupied with something else. The question on whether he was going to be abandoned or not. Whether Harvey would leave or not? So far he had stayed. He had barely said anything though. He looked angry when Mike glanced up at him. That didn’t bode well. It made Mike nervous. More nervous. One of his nurses put a hand on his arm to get his attention. 

“How about the shaking Mike? Has that happened a lot lately?” she asked him. 

“What?” 

“You are trembling.” She smiled kindly at him and stroke his arm a little. Mike just licked his lips and shook his head. He didn’t know the answer to that. They had him to lie down after that and someone produced a blanket for him. He wanted to go home. He didn’t dare to look at Harvey anymore, at least not meet his gaze. He stole glances at Harvey once in a while though. He was speaking to the doctors. It didn’t even bother Mike that they spoke like that about him in hushed voices so that he couldn’t hear them properly. He just felt so bad now. Insecure and vulnerable. Stupid and weak. And that damn shaking he was doing, he couldn’t get it to stop. 

They were told to wait after that. The nurse told Mike not to worry. He really wished that he could do as she said. Just stop. He wished he could sleep or something, anything to get away from the sudden tension between himself and Harvey. It was like Harvey didn’t want to talk to him and Mike didn’t want to say something wrong. He didn’t want to make it worse. Right now he didn’t know what could make the situation better so he chose to not say anything. Harvey sat on a plastic chair by the wall. He kept staring at the door. Not long passed before Harvey got up causing Mike to jerk a bit in surprise.

“This is taking too long.” Harvey mumbled as he paced back and forth. “I’ll see what’s taking so long.” 

Mike felt his heart speed up as Harvey walked towards the door. No! This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Harvey was going to leave him here now. He was going to walk out that door and Mike wouldn’t know where he was. What if he never came back again? What if he didn’t want Mike back home? Somewhere deep in his mind he knew these thoughts were irrational, that Harvey wouldn’t do that to him, and that he was being stupid. But at the moment he was panicking. 

“Please Harvey wait!” He called out. He had to at least try to stop him. He blinked and his eyes flooded over. He wiped it away, but more kept coming. Harvey had stopped though. Then he turned and came over and up to him. “Hey, Mike. What is it?” 

Mike didn’t know what to say. He opened and closed his mouth, he wanted to say something, anything but he didn’t want to sound pathetic or weak or stupid. He didn’t want to beg Harvey to stay. 

“Is something wrong? Are you in pain?” Harvey asked. Shook his arm a little. ”Mike!” Harvey sounded mad. Mike’s chest stung. He couldn’t be mad. Why was he mad? What had he done? He didn’t understand. 

”I’m not in pain.” He stuttered. 

“Then what?” 

“Where are you going?” 

“I told you, I was just going to go and check what’s taking so long.” 

“Can’t you stay?” Mike begged him tiredly. He was just so tired of feeling like this. Of being afraid. Why couldn’t Harvey see that? 

”I’m just going to find your doctor.” 

“No, you are leaving me here.” He had tears in his eyes again. “You are going to leave.” 

Harvey shook his head a little. “No, I’m not Mike.” 

“Yes! You walk out. I’m alone. That’s what leaving is!” He was shaking more now. Even his lips were trembling and he had to press them hard together to stop it. He tried the same with his hands by gripping the blanket in his fists. 

“Yeah, okay. Okay.” Harvey whispered as he nodded. “I get it Mike. I’m not walking out.” 

“Good.” Mike couldn’t look at him. He just couldn’t. He bit his lip. 

“What’s wrong kid?” Harvey wanted to know. 

“Are you angry?” 

“What? At you?” 

Mike nodded. 

“I was worried.” Was all Harvey said and Mike had to accept that. He could buy that. He felt bad, and didn’t ask anything else. Harvey had been worried about him, not mad at him. Was that all? Because after all, Harvey had just stayed here after Mike had asked him to. He blinked tiredly a few times. He didn’t get to say so much more because the door to his room opened.

“Hi Mike. I would like to talk to you a bit.” One of his doctors and a nurse stepped into the room. 

She proceeded to tell him that there was nothing serious going on with him at the moment. Except the heart cancer, Mike wanted to throw in. 

“What is it then?” Harvey asked. 

“Well, unfortunately this is one side effect of your illness, or the medication. We will look into adjusting it some and see what will happen.”

“Just side effects?” Harvey asked.

The doctor proceeded with a more detailed explanation of which drugs that could cause nausea and dizziness. Mike zooned out after a minute as Harvey kept asking questions.

“Mike?” They had apparently figured out that he wasn’t listening so he turned his attention towards them. “Like I was saying. As for now you will have to be a bit more careful.”

Mike looked away again.

“There are steps we can take to make things easier on you. There are tools that can be provided for you. We suggest maybe hand rails or grab bars that can be installed around your apartment. You should also get a shower chair as it is a high risk of falling while showering. If you need it a walker might come in handy too.”   
Mike swallowed and didn’t answer. He didn’t look at them, he didn’t want to talk about this. A walker and a shower chair? Like he was a ninety year old. Where they going to tell him that he was going to need diapers as well? 

Apparently they sensed that he wasn’t interested in listening because they sort of turned back to Harvey instead. 

“There is also other things that can be done as well. If you have carpets it might be good to tape the edges to the floor. It might be good for you or his caretaker to stay close to him or help him when he walks.”

Mike gritted his teeth together, willing them to stop talking. No such luck.

“Falls like the ones Mike is experiencing often happens while getting out of bed or up from a chair. Falling off the toilet is also a risk. You might want to accompany him…”

“Yes, thank you. I think I got it.” Harvey interrupted and Mike was grateful. The doctor nodded and looked between them.

“Okay. Let me know if you have any further questions.” Mike could tell that her eyes were lingering at him, but he didn’t look up. “I’ll leave you two alone for a while then.” She nodded to her nurse and they left. 

“Wow…okay.” Harvey said and sat down. “That wasn’t that bad though Mike.”

“What do you mean not that bad?” Mike angrily said.

“I meant it’s just side effects.”

Mike didn’t answer. He thought it was bad enough. Embarrassing is what it was. Humiliating. They wanted Harvey to tape his rugs, install grab bars and accompany him to his shower chair? No way Harvey would tape any rugs or go with him to the bathroom. Or Harvey probably would, but Mike didn’t want him to!

It was all so messed up. He was just getting worse and worse now. First he got blind and now he wasn’t going to be able to walk? He was going to be a burden to everyone around him, he was going to be needing more and more help. He knew that he was demanding so much from Harvey already. Keeping him from work, keeping him from ever going out, keeping him from his life basically. But Mike didn’t have anyone else. He needed Harvey so much.

He was so tired of all of this. And he was scared. He was scared of getting worse. Scared of the day when he wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom by himself. What scared him most at the moment was that Harvey wouldn’t want to be there anymore, be that person that Mike needed him to be. His everything. He was almost more scared of that then of dying. Because Mike had screwed up today, he had screwed up and gotten Harvey mad. What if he did that again?

He was breathing deeper. He was going to lose it. He could feel it coming and he wasn’t going to be able to stop it. Not this time. That made him feel even worse. He still tried. It worked for like two minutes. Two minutes he could hold it in but then he couldn’t anymore. Harvey was still there. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Harvey to witness this or not. He felt tears gathering in his eyes and he tried so slow his breaths. 

Oh god, he now he knew. He wanted Harvey to help him. Now! He wanted to stop feeling like this. He wanted Harvey to stop it. It felt like he was going to explode. That something was going to happen. Something had to happen because he couldn’t continue feeling like this, it had to stop. He wanted to scream. So he just did. It wasn’t a loud scream. He didn’t have that in him. 

”Mike, Mike, Mike!?” Harvey was there. ”Mike, what is it? Kid?”

He couldn’t. 

“Mike, please. You got to talk to me kid. What is it?”

Mike just shook his head. He didn’t know what to do.

“It’s okay.” Harvey grabbed his hand, and it was like he pushed a button because Mike let go then. Harvey was going to help. He wanted to help. Mike was pretty sure of that. So he just let everything he had inside him lose in the form of sobbing. He held on to Harvey’s hand with all he had and covered his face with his other hand.   
Then a nurse was there. Mike heard her asking what was wrong and he shook his head. “N-noo.” He mumbled. He didn’t want them here. He didn’t want them to see him like this. Harvey was enough. He tightened his grip on Harvey’s hand even more. “L-leave.”

He heard Harvey quietly tell her that they were okay and that he would let her know if they needed help. Harvey must have pushed the call button. He felt himself shake with sobs. So far he was pretty quiet though. 

“Mike, please talk to me. What’s got you so upset?” Mike didn’t know what to answer him. 

"I don’t…I don’t want you to tape your rugs.” He stuttered.

“What? Yeah, okay. I won’t tape my damn rugs. Mike.” Harvey was patting his arm. “Just so you know, you won’t get any grab bars either.” 

Mike let out a wet laugh. And then he cried harder. He pulled at Harvey’s hand and turned his body on the side towards Harvey. He just needed the contact. He wanted to be comforted and Harvey was all he got. All he wanted. He was prepared to ask for it now. He just wanted to feel better. Just a little bit better. If it just could ease up a little. 

”Harvey, please.” He pleaded and Harvey heard him. Mike could hear him come closer with the chair and Harvey leaned close to him and wrapped an arm around his back and pulled Mike a little towards him. Harvey was practically pressing himself against the bed, Mike didn’t know how he managed, but he got Mike’s head to press against his chest. Harvey leaned forward, almost over Mike, and he could feel how Harvey lightly rested his chin on Mike’s shoulder. 

It worked! That made him feel so much better in a way. Harvey was there. Around him. Covering him like a shield. Protecting him. Mike flung his arm out and pulled himself even closer to Harvey. If the older man were to move Mike would fall out of bed, he was close enough to the edge that Harvey was the only thing holding him on it.

“Don’t let go.” He whispered, pretty sure that there was no way that Harvey would have heard that. 

“I won’t. I won’t let you go. Don’t worry Mike. I got you.” 

Mike cried even harder. Louder. It almost hurt. He was making Harvey’s shirt wet with tears and snot. It was a little hard to catch his breath, but he didn’t care. He just couldn’t stop now. He even cried a bit more because of it. He made several attempts to stop but he wasn’t done apparently. He just wasn’t ready to stop.  
Harvey was saying things to him. Nice things. Things he wanted to hear, needed to hear.

“I’m here Mike. I’m not going to leave. No walking out. I’m right here.” Harvey was stroking his back. Up and down. ”You don’t have to worry. We will get through this. We have so far. It will be okay.” 

More stroking. More nice words. 

”We’ll work something out Mike. You will be okay. I’m not leaving you here. I’m not walking out. It’s going to be fine. We’ll figure something out. You and me. We’ll adapt to this like we have everything else.”

Harvey hugged him closer to him. He was warm and solid. Someone to lean on. Mike’s everything. He was starting to calm down. His sobs were not as loud, lower in intensity. Harvey was still holding on to him. Mike let go a bit of his grip of Harvey and opted to fist some of his shirt in in his hand instead. 

He was incredibly tired. He needed to blow his nose. He tasted blood in his mouth. He must have bitten the inside of his lips. His throat hurt.

Harvey was still stroking him and holding his hand. Both of their hand’s trapped between them this whole time. They were a bit sweaty.

A few minutes later he was drawing shuddering but slow breaths, still leaning against Harvey. 

“Whenever you are ready.” Harvey was saying quietly in his ear. It took Mike probably ten or even twenty more minutes before he was ready to let go. Harvey patently waited until Mike took the initiative to untangle himself a little from Harvey. Harvey helped to push him back a little. Mike couldn’t look at him. His head was clearer, he was less panicked and the embarrassment were on its way. 

How could he do something like this? He was an adult but behaving like a small child, breaking down completely without a reason. He didn’t know how to act now. Why couldn’t he just pass out?

This new feeling of guilt for behaving this way started to pull him down, again. No! He couldn’t start again. 

“Mike? Kid?” Harvey calmly asked. He was sitting upright now, but still had one arm on Mike’s shoulder and one in Mike’s hand. 

“I want to sleep!” Mike hoarsely exclaimed. He barely had a voice.

“Yeah, you must be tired.” Harvey said. “You can sleep if you like. That’s fine. I’ll stay right here.” 

Mike nodded a little. Harvey let go of him then. ”Sorry! I’m sorry.” Mike said, it was out of his mouth before he had time to register it. 

“It’s okay. I was just… it’s okay Mike. You don’t have to be sorry.” Harvey had gotten some paper and he wiped Mike’s newest tears away. “You look like shit.” He whispered. 

Harvey took his hand again. “Everything is okay. You can relax. No one is mad you. You’re good.” 

Harvey was whispering. It was soothing. ”Just close your eyes.” 

Mike looked up then. He looked into Harvey’s eyes. And when he did he could tell that Harvey was speaking the truth. Harvey even smiled a little at him. He smiled even though he looked sad. 

Mike nodded a little. He tried to breathe normally. Then he tried to close his eyes. It didn’t feel good. He needed to open them again. He just needed to see if Harvey was still there. He was. Harvey squeezed his hand a little. Right, he had forgotten about that they were holding hands. He tried closing his eyes again. He felt himself tense and he tried desperately to relax. He tightened his grip of Harvey’s hand. Forced out a deep breath. Another one. Yet another. He relaxed a little more. He still felt Harvey’s hand in his. He was there. He wasn’t going to leave him. He wasn’t going to be alone in this. It was okay. Everything would be fine. 

– SUITS –

Shit! Shit shit! Harvey didn’t dare to move an inch. He tried to remain a relaxed grip on Mike’s hand that gradually became limper in his own. He was sweating like crazy. Not just the hand. Everywhere. Mike had been destroyed. He had come close to push the call button a bunch of times just to have some back up. However he didn’t do that. It wouldn’t have helped much. Mike had probably been sedated, calmer faster. But Mike had wanted the nurse that came when it all started to leave, so Harvey had taken it upon himself to solve it. 

Now it looked like it had worked. He was pretty sure that Mike was sleeping now. He really did look like shit. His face had a reddish tone, a bit swollen up from all the crying. Even in sleep he looked devastated. Or maybe that was just Harvey’s imagination. 

Harvey’s heart was still beating like crazy where he sat rigid in his seat. He hadn’t been prepared of Mike’s breakdown. A small part of him wondered if it had been his fault. Had what he said at the condo caused Mike to lose it? Had the thought he had planted in Mike’s head about letting the paramedics take him triggered all of this?   
Maybe it had, maybe it hadn’t. It was hard to follow the kids thought process. Something had caused Mike to break down though. Maybe it had been building up for some time and something that happened or was said that just tipped him over the edge. 

Harvey had been really worried, almost extremely worried there in the beginning when Mike was crying so hard he could barely breathe. Harvey had been hugging him and felt every shake, every vibration Mike's body was making. It broke something in him. He just didn’t want Mike to feel like that. He didn’t want Mike to break apart like that. 

He sat there for probably ten minutes, just waiting to see if Mike would wake up. But it seemed like he wouldn’t and Harvey decided that it would be okay for him to relax a little. He lowered his shoulders and leaned back a little in the chair. He let out a deep breath. Suddenly it was tears in his eyes. Another breath, other tears. He allowed them to fall. 

”Oh Mike.” He whispered. He nodded a little to himself. This had really shaken him up. But that was okay. It wasn’t so strange, he told himself. It had been kind of terrifying. The day had started okay, and now they were here. It was possible that they would have to stay the night now. When Mike had cried like that Harvey had been worried about his heart. But they were at the hospital, so if something had happened they would have gotten help. 

Harvey thought that he had done quite a good job with keeping it together, with sounding calm and reassuring towards Mike. Mike had fallen asleep eventually.   
That look Mike had given him had been difficult to experience. They had looked into each other's eyes for a long time and Harvey didn't know what Mike was searching for in his eyes, but apparently Harvey had passed the test because Mike calmed down. 

A few minutes later the door quietly opened and the nurse from earlier came into the room. 

”How is he doing?” she whispered as she walked over on the other side of the bed to check the machines Mike was connected to.

”Ehm…he was…upset.” Harvey eventually said. 

She nodded and adjusted something that Harvey couldn’t see. 

“His values are a bit high. His doctor should be by soon.” She told Harvey and left soon after. 

Mike’s doctor checked Mike over without waking him. He didn’t seem that concerned which eased Harvey’s worries a bit. Mike slept a couple of hours after that. He woke up suddenly and Harvey jerked in surprise. 

Mike blinked around looking scared. “Hi. It’s okay, it’s okay.” Harvey tried. 

Mike relaxed back in the pillows. He turned to look at Harvey. He didn’t say anything. 

“Do you feel better?” 

Mike shrugged. 

“Okay.” Harvey said. 

Silence. Mike slowly blinking. His mouth opened and closed as if he wanted to say something but changed his mind. Harvey patently waited. 

“Can we go home?” Mike asked then. Harvey nodded. ”Yeah, soon.” Hopefully that was the truth. 

It turned out that they could leave the same evening. Donna came and met them at the hospital and followed them home. Mike hadn’t been much interested in talking and had mostly slept at the hospital. Harvey let him be. If Mike didn’t want to talk he didn’t have to. He refused to eat much of anything as well, and Harvey didn’t have it in him to argue with him. He didn’t think any of them had. 

Harvey held on to Mike as they walked to his condo from the cab. Mike didn’t complain. 

“Look Mike,” Harvey started when the kid was settled on his bed “I know today wasn’t easy. I just want you to know that we are good, you and I.” He waited for a response from Mike, who nodded slightly. 

“That’s good Harvey.” He said after a minute. “Thank you for being there today.” He then said, blushing a little. 

“Sure. Do you want to tell me what was going on inside that head of yours?” He carefully asked. Mike thought the seam of his cover was very interesting. 

“I was freaking out about everything.” He eventually said. “I just couldn’t take it. And when they told me stuff like that. Needing a chair in the shower and all. And you…” he stopped. 

“I said things.” Harvey helped him out.

“I knew you didn’t mean it and that was only a small part of it Harvey. It’s mostly the prospect of what lays ahead of me that scares the crap of me sometimes” Mike said. Harvey nodded thoughtfully. Truth was that was what scared the crap out of him as well.

“I get that, Mike.” He said. “But like I have said a bunch of times Mike, we are a team. We’ll stick together through it.”

Mike smiled then. “Yeah I know. I just forgot for a second.” He said.

Harvey nodded. ”Sure.” He rolled his eyes a little. And then got an idea. It was something Mike had wanted to do with him when Mike was new at the firm. That felt like ages ago. But now he stood up and closed his fist and held it out to Mike, who looked up at him like he was crazy. But then his face changed as he smiled and then bumped his own fist against Harvey’s. 

Donna came into the room just as they did that and she smiled approvingly at them. 

The three of them talked until Mike fell asleep for the night. 

The next day was better. Harvey got some work done. One of his clients had gotten himself into some trouble they demanded that Harvey would look into it which he said he would. He had also ordered a chair for the shower as well, it would arrive within the next few days. Mike could say whatever he wanted but Harvey wasn’t going the take any chances. 

Mike didn’t say much at all that day. He was mostly sleeping. Harvey brought him medication and breakfast in bed that morning and had to wake him up for it. It was important that some of the meds were taken during set hours. Mike had blinked up at him, accepted the pills and some water and claimed he was tired, closed his eyes and were asleep again in seconds. 

Harvey checked on him once in a while during the day. Mike just slept. Harvey woke him again during lunch to force him to eat something. He wasn’t that successful. He had arranged Mike’s bed so that he was sitting up. Mike fell asleep with his sandwich in hand. 

”Seriously?” Harvey muttered as he contemplated whether he should wake Mike up again or not. Eventually he didn’t, just put the sandwich back on the plate and lowered the kid’s bed again. Mike didn’t stir. 

Harvey placed a call to Mike’s doctor, just to check in. The other’s advice was to let Mike sleep as much as possible. Mike needed it. Apparently that was true.   
Mike slept on and off, Harvey checked on him now and then. He woke up once when Harvey was hanging out in his room. He was confused and claimed that he was cold. 

“What’s happening? Why am I so cold?” Mike asked and swatted at the blanket Harvey was trying to place over him. 

“You were sleeping. And I don’t know why you are cold, I’m trying to prevent that now Mike. Stop it.” 

“What are you doing?”

“This is a blanket.” Harvey said and held it up so that he could see it. 

“Oh.” Mike said. He blinked stupidly for a minute as he let Harvey lay it over him. 

“You want to sleep some more?” 

Mike shook his head so Harvey raised the bed a bit for him so that he was sitting up. Harvey went back to his desk and his files. He heard how Mike activated his pillow and smiled to himself. Mike seemed to like that stupid thing. 

“Do you need any help Harvey?” Mike asked a while later. Harvey raised an eyebrow at him. 

“You want to help?” 

“Yeah! I can take some files if you want.” 

Harvey nodded and handed him a few along with a marker. Mike raised his bed a bit further and opened the files. He actually lasted for about an hour before he passed out again. Harvey took the files from the kids’ hands and saw that Mike had encircled something that turned out to actually be really helpful for his case.   
Harvey got some bad news the next day. Or they weren’t really bad news, it might just mean that bad thing could happen as a cause of it, and with bad things he meant that Mike would might feel bad. One of Harvey’s clients demanded a personal meeting, he would be forced to take action, as the man put it. Harvey didn’t like it one bit, but had been instructed by Jessica to make the meeting happen. The bad news was that Harvey would have to be forced to travel out of the city for at least two days. 

Jessica had been understanding about the situation he was in with Mike, but she asked him to do this for the firm, and Harvey couldn’t say no to this. He still had kind of a guilty conscious about neglecting work. He didn’t mean to do it, it just happened when Mike needed him more. Harvey couldn’t get out of this one with all parties satisfied. 

Mike had been better lately. Sure he had been upset, tired and sick in general, but last night he was a bit better. He had talked to Donna about leaving for a while and she said right away that she would stay with Mike the whole time. She thought that Mike would be understanding. So it was decided that he would leave for Boston for two days. 

Harvey still dreaded the talk he would have to have with Mike. He felt bad about it even though he knew things would be okay. While Mike probably would act like he was fine with it, but Harvey suspected that he wouldn’t be. Mike had more energy today and was on the couch when Harvey approached him. Here it goes. 

– SUITS –


	48. Chapter 48

Mike was on his usual spot on the couch when Harvey came and sat down in front of him. He had his iPad in his lap and was trying to watch a documentary on Netflix without falling asleep. He had thought it would be interesting enough for him to stay awake during the whole thing, but he wasn’t sure anymore. He hit pause and looked over at Harvey.

”Look Mike, I have something that I need to talk to you about.”

“Yeah, what?”

“I’m going away for a while.”

“What?!” He immediately felt his chest twinge. Harvey couldn’t go away! “What do you mean?”

“I need to go and make sure one of my clients doesn’t do anything stupid. You know the one I told you about. He is worried that he is getting neglected and threatened to fire me if I don’t go. I would like to ditch him but Jessica thinks he is valuable somehow.”

Harvey stopped talking and looked at Mike, and Mike stared back. Without being aware of it he started to breath more heavily.

“For how long?” he just asked.

”Hopefully just one night, but most likely two.”

“Two nights!”

“Mike calm down.”

”Yes alright, but what about me?”

“I was getting to that.” Harvey went up to him and sat down next to him on the couch. “Donna is going to be staying here until I’m back. I have already talked to her.”

Mike let out a shuddering breath. He nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay. So Donna is okay with that?”

”Yes, she is. She’s looking forward to it so I suggest you act excited.”

Mike managed a smile. ”Yeah okay.” He repeated. “I guess that’s fine. I don’t think I have to act.”

“Good.” Harvey said and got up from the couch. Before Mike could stop himself he blurted out. “You are coming back right?” He briefly closed his eyes in embarrassment before he looked up at Harvey. He had stopped at the edge of the couch and looked at Mike with something unreadable in his eyes. He sat back down.

“Mike...” He started. ”You know I will.” It was force behind those words, and Mike felt comforted by them. Harvey seemed to hesitate then “Will you be alright?” he said.

“Because I might be able to postpone it a few days, or I might be able to send Louis.”

Mike shook his head. ”No, I’ll be fine. You can go. You said that they will fire you if you don't, so...”

”Donna is going to take care of you, you know.” He patted Mike’s arm.

”I know.” Mike quietly answered. ”So, when are you leaving.”

“The day after tomorrow. I’m going to go to Boston and meet the client there.”

“Okay.” Mike didn’t bother to ask for more details. He felt down, but tried not to show it for the rest of the evening. He didn’t want to admit it to Harvey or to himself how he really felt about Harvey going away for a few days. It would be the longest time he would be separated from Harvey since he told the older man that he had cancer. He did not feel good about that at all, but it felt silly to say anything.

He was nervous though. What if something happened while Harvey was away? What if he got worse? What if he died? He shook his head. He had to stop thinking like that. He was feeling better now, that’s why Harvey left. Harvey wouldn’t leave if he thought that Mike needed him. And besides he had been doing pretty well lately. Well, except for the falling down episodes and freaking out at the hospital, but he had put that behind him now. He was okay.

The day Harvey was supposed to leave came too quickly for Mike's taste. He didn't feel prepared. It was stupid though, he tried to tell himself, it was two days. But still, anything could happen.

But what was nice was that Harvey seemed just as nervous as he was. It wasn't that he thought it was nice, just somewhat sweet maybe. Harvey would not like that though, if he knew Mike thought that he was sweet.

“You can call me any time, you know.” Harvey was saying. “I'll have the phone on, I'll answer every time.”

“Even if you are in a client meeting?” Mike tested him.

“Sure.”

“Even if you are in court?”

“Harvey glared at him. He was on to what Mike was doing. “I'm not going to be in court.” He said.

“Donna is going to be here soon. I'm just going to make the bed for her.”

“What?”

“She is going to…” Harvey stopped to look at Mike. He saw that he was smirking. “Oh shut up!” He said and disappeared.

Mike watched in amusement as Harvey gave Donna a tour of the apartment when she arrived.

“I have been here before, Harvey.” She eventually said. She still listened when Harvey went over every single medication that Mike needed and might have to take  
during the two days Harvey would be absent.

Harvey once again reassured Mike that if it was anything he could call. “I might be able to get an earlier flight.” He said.

“Harvey, I'll be fine.”

“Yes I know, but I just want to make sure that…”

“Seriously Harvey, you'll miss your flight.”

“Yeah, fine. I'll talk to you later then.”

They said good bye and Donna eventually ushered Harvey out the door. She came back and made herself comfortable on the couch next to Mike.

“God, is this what you have to deal with?” She exclaimed and waved towards the door.

Mike laughed. “He is just nervous. He hasn't been apart this long before.”

Donna smiled but then asked how he was feeling. “I want you to talk to me Mike.”

He promised her he would. The two of them had a nice morning. They watched a movie, Donna chose. Mike fell asleep half way into it, but Donna woke him for the end scene.

“You have to see this.” She urged.

After lunch she asked if Mike wanted to take a walk outside. “We could go to the park. It'll be good for you.”

Mike hesitated. “I don't know…”

“We’ll take the wheelchair.” She said and it was decided.

Mike found that he really enjoyed it, walking in the park with Donna, while having a conversation about different things not related to his illness. Donna was right too, the fresh air made him feel a little better, less tired.

Harvey called later and wanted to know if everything was alright. Mike said it was.

That evening his and Donna’s conversation shifted over to the cancer. Mike confessed to Donna about how freaked out he could feel sometimes, and how frustrating it was dealing with all those feelings. She managed to reassure him some. She always knew what to say.  
“Donna,” he started. He wasn't sure he wanted to bring this up. “You know I have been thinking some. Chances are that I won't make it.” He held up a hand to stop her from interrupting.

“What do you think will happen to Harvey if I don't? Do you think he will be okay?”

“Oh Mike…I don't even want to think about if that were to happen.”

“I'm serious Donna.”

“It will destroy him Mike, that's what I think will happen if you don't make it.”

Mike sighed. “Yeah that's what I'm afraid of too.”

Donna just watched him so he continued.

“It's just that what if I don't make it?”

“I can't talk about it with Harvey. If I try to bring it up he'll just say that it won't happen and that's the end of the discussion. It's like if he admits just for a second that it might happen he will consider it like he has given up on me, if you know what I mean?”

“I understand Mike. But you have to know how hard it is for Harvey to let his guard down and talk about this.”

“But we have never talked about it.”

“Have you considered that maybe if you talk about the possibility that you won't make it, Harvey will feel like he is giving up on you? If he were to talk about it he might be afraid that you will think he doesn't believe to a hundred percent that you are going to survive.”

Mike nodded. He could understand what Donna was talking about.

“I'm not going to think that though, and if I die, I would never hold it against Harvey. Well I would be dead, but it won't be his fault. He can't think that can he?”

“He would certainly blame himself, think of what he could have done differently.”

Mike nodded again. “We have never talked about the possibility. Donna, you'll look after him right, if I were to die. You'll make sure he will be okay?”

“Of course I will Mike.” Donna quietly said and Mike felt grateful towards her, not only for reassuring him but for letting him say it and not “Good.” He said. “Thank you.”

“I'm here for whatever you want to talk about Mike.”

They sat in silence for some time.

“What if I don't make it Donna?” Mike then said. “What if I can't?”

“Oh Mike.” Donna stroke his arm. “You are strong.”

“There is so much I haven't done yet, that I wanted to achieve. But sometimes I just don't think that I will be able to beat this. It's in my heart. I'm so tired sometimes.”

“I understand that Mike. But as long as you fight and do your best, there is a chance and you know that.”

“Yeah…it's just, what if I can't?” He felt tears coming now. Oh god, he didn't want to break down. “Are you guys going to be mad if can't?” He whispered.

“Mike, of course not. Of course we wouldn't. Never. Mike, never. How could you even think that?”

“No I know. It just that everyone keeps telling me that I have to keep fighting, but sometimes it's just really hard, and what if I can't?”

“Then we'll know that you did all you could. Don't worry about that sweetie.”

“Yeah okay. Sorry for loading this on you.”

“It's okay Mike, that's what I'm here for.”

“Thank you Donna. It means a lot.”

She hugged him and he hugged her back and they didn't talk much after that, Mike was content with that arrangement, and Donna seemed to be fine with it as well. She helped him to bed later and stayed with him until he fell asleep. She did so by laying on his bed next to him, holding his hand and stroking the top of it. They listened to music in silence and Mike felt really good. Safe.

He woke up with a jerk. He was alone. He blinked around him. He had been dreaming. He dreamt about Harvey leaving to never come back again. Of course he would dream that. His brain was crazy. But he couldn’t sleep now. He wanted to wake Donna up. Could he? He just wanted her to comfort him, to tell him that everything was okay. To do what she had been doing before he fell asleep.

“Donna?” he said out into the room. Just once. If she came fine, if not he would deal with it as a damn adult man. Just forget it and go back to sleep. Why couldn’t he just get to do that? Why was he like this? Why couldn't he control himself? Why was he feeling like this?

He couldn't answer one single of those questions. He couldn't do that. Not all by himself. Where was Donna? And where was Harvey!? Mike needed him here now. Why did he have to leave?

He fumbled for his phone, maybe he could just call Harvey? If he just got to Harvey, maybe it would be alright. Maybe he would feel better.  
Harvey answered on the fifth signal.

“ _Mike? Are you okay?_ ”

“Harvey.” He breathed.

“ _Yeah I'm here. What's up Mike? Something wrong? It's late._ ”

“I just wanted to talk to you.”

“ _Now? Is something wrong? Is Donna there?_ ”

“No, she isn't. I was.. I was dreaming.”

“ _Oh, okay. You need to call Donna over then Mike_.”

“But I just wanted to talk to you.”

“ _Okay. Sure_.” Harvey said. “ _About what?_ ”

“What happened with the client?”

And Harvey told him. He told him everything, and Mike felt himself relax. If he closed his eyes it was like Mike was there.

Harvey was almost done with the story about his day when suddenly Mike's door was opened wider and Donna stepped inside his room. She didn't say anything just resumed her previous position.

“Did you call her?” Mike asked.

“ _What? No. I texted her. You should try and get some sleep Mike._ ”

They hang up shortly after and Donna was there. He slept the rest of the night.

– SUITS –

Harvey had allowed himself to relax a bit on the plane. Somehow he liked flying, at least if he had the seat by the window. And this time he had.  
It wasn't much he could do now, if something were to happen with Mike. Besides Donna was there and she would handle anything that came up.  
He still texted her when he landed just to make sure.

He didn't have much time after that do much of anything else than keeping his client, an Aron Burfors, happy. They had a pretty urgent matter to take care of and it took up almost all the day. He called Mike after dinner and he sounded fine. He told Harvey that Donna had taken him on a stroll to the park.

Harvey was woken around two am from Mike's phone call. Mike's voice sounded small and scared. The kid didn't want to tell him that something was wrong, just claimed that he wanted to talk. Harvey had his suspensions though and texted Donna when he felt that Mike had no intentions of hanging up any time soon.  
Harvey had trouble falling asleep after the call ended. He didn't like that fact that Mike had woken up like that and he hadn't been around. Had the kid been upset, alone, before he called? He really hoped not. He wanted to call Donna. He wanted to make sure everything was fine. He texted her but didn't get a reply. They were probably sleeping.

The day after turned out to be a long day as well. Donna answered his text in the morning and told him not to worry. Mike was fine. She promised to keep him updated. She kept her word of course and texted him a few times during the day. Apparently Mike wasn’t having a good day. Donna wrote that he was sleeping a lot and complained a bit about chest pains. She couldn’t get him out of bed.

Mike called him that afternoon. Harvey was just outside his client’s office and stopped outside in a wide hallway.

“ _Can you talk?_ ” Mike asked him.

Harvey glanced at his watched. “Yeah sure.” He said, so what if he were a few minutes late.

“ _So how is it going_?” Mike asked.

“It’s going fine Mike. How are you?”

“ _Okay._ ” Mike sounded tired. He spoke slowly and not very loud.

“Something on your mind?”

“ _I don’t know. I was just thinking about you I guess._ ”

“I’ve been thinking about you too.” Harvey confessed. And when Mike didn’t answer straight away Harvey proceeded with questioning him about his day. He needed to know if everything in fact was okay. He also asked about Donna and found out that she was cleaning up in the kitchen.

“ _She is so domestic. It’s strange to see sometimes. And Harvey?_ ” Mike lowered his voice.

“What?”

“ _I think she is wearing leggings._ ” He whispered. Harvey laughed a little.

They finished the call a while later and Harvey was only about five minutes late to his meeting.

As soon as it was finished he gave a call to Donna that told him that Mike was asleep again and for him not to worry. Harvey did his best. The client was in a pretty big mess and it turned out that he needed to head to court the next day. That required some preparation which kept him busy most of the evening. He placed a call to Mike but he was quiet. The fourth time Harvey asked him he admitted that he was in pain.

Harvey started making suggestions on things that might help, but Mike just said that he was dealing with it. Harvey told him all about the case, but when he asked if Mike had any suggestions Mike didn’t answer. Harvey proceeded to freak out a little and called Donna from his hotel phone.

“ _Oh. Wait_.” She said and then hang up on him! Harvey couldn’t believe it and yelled a bit at her, even though he knew she wasn’t there anymore.

“ _Harvey? Stop screaming_.” Donna was whispering from his cell phone this time. He did stop. He could hear her walking.

“ _What did you tell him? He fell asleep_.”

“I just told him about the case. Don’t say it.” He muttered. The case wasn’t that boring, but apparently not interesting enough to keep Mike awake.

“ _Fine I won’t_.”

“How is he?”

“ _A little better. It was pretty bad for a while, but he just took some pain meds. I hope they last the night._ ”

Harvey felt reassured after the hang up and went to bed an hour later. He woke up a few times during the night and checked his phone each time. There were no calls from either Mike or Donna. He found himself thinking that he was going crazy. Was Mike all he could think about now? But so what if it was? He had the right to worry. The kid had heart cancer. Anything could happen at any time.

The next day he met the Aron Burfors at the man’s office. So far they hadn’t really been seeing eye to eye, the client wanted to take an unnecessary aggressive approach that Harvey for once didn’t think was a good idea. Harvey worked on trying to convince him otherwise. He found that he didn’t really had that much of a patience that he normally had. Today was the last day here, he would have to fix it before this evening when he had his return flight.

He didn’t have much time to think about Mike during the rest of the day. They were scheduled to be at the court at four a clock. They had a lot to do and the only thought Harvey sent towards Mike was that it would have been great to have the kids mind involved in this.

“Harvey, are you sure you got it all figured out now?” Burfors asked him in the car on their way to court.

Harvey couldn’t help but glare at him and shook his head. “I told you that already Aron, just let me handle this.”

They were in the hallway when Mike called. Harvey hauled up his phone and swore silently. He needed to take it, but also couldn’t be late. He turned to the client.

“Look, I need to take this.”

“No you don’t. We need to go inside.”

“I’ll be right behind you.”

“Mr. Specter, I’m paying you for this. You are going in with me.”

“No, I’ll see you inside.” Harvey curtly said and turned his back against his client knowing it wouldn’t be appreciated at all. “Hi Mike.”

He could hear immediately hear on Mike’s voice that something was wrong. Damn.

“ _I miss you_.” Mike was whispering in the phone. Harvey wasn’t even sure that was what he had said, he was so quiet. Harvey closed his eyes for a few seconds, then  
found a bench close by and sat down.

“I miss you too kid.” He lightly said. Mike was quiet on the other line. Harvey hoped he wasn’t crying or something like that. The guilt was starting to eat at him. He shouldn’t be here, he should be at home with the kid.

“ _You do_?”

“Course. Mike, Donna is there right?”

“ _Yeah, she is. Don’t worry_.”

“Really? You are telling me not to worry?”

“ _Yeah, I’m fine Harvey. I just felt like talking to you for a second._ ”

“Only a second huh?”

“ _Yes, and I think it’s up now_.” Mike said. “ _I should go._ ”

“Mike…”

“ _No it’s fine. I promise. I’m fine Harvey._ ” Mike sounded sincere. “You are in court right? I shouldn’t keep you any longer.”

“It’s fine. I don’t care.”

“ _God, what have I done to you?_ ” Mike chuckled on the other end. “Go and kick some ass Harvey. I’ll see you tonight.” Harvey heard nothing after that. He looked at the phone. Mike had ended the call, just like that.

“Seriously?” Harvey muttered. “He just hangs up like that?” He looked up and saw a middle aged women how had stopped in the corridor and stared at him. He glared a bit at her until she started walking again. He thought for a moment of calling the kid back, but he pocketed his phone and went inside the court room. Mike was right. It was time to kick some ass.

-SUITS-

“Mike, sweetie. You should try to get up some. You have been in bed far too long now.” Donna tried her best to get him involved with her. She thought it was a good idea if he got out of bed and moved around a little. He didn’t really agree. He felt kind of down. He had a head ache, felt sweaty and achy. If he could just go back to sleep that would be great, but his chest hurt just a little too much for him to do so at the moment.

The headache kept him from doing much of anything except just laying there. He politely declined Donna’s offer of helping him up.

“Where should I even go?” He asked her.

“A change of scenery might be nice. The couch maybe?” She suggested.

“Can I stay here?”

“Of course you can.” She stroked his arm and told him she would be right back. He felt bad as soon as she stepped out of his room. Was she disappointed in him now? Maybe she was bored. He wasn’t much company. Maybe he should make an effort and come with her to the couch? He decided he really should. He didn’t need to lay here and feel sorry for himself. Of course it turned out to be a bad decision to try and get up.

When he sat up he got hit by a dizzy spell and reached out for the night table to steady himself, but missed and managed to face plant into it. He swore loudly as his face connected with the table and he stumbled onto the floor.

“Mike?” Donna called out for him and he heard her footsteps. “

“Oh god Mike, what did you do?” Donna rushed over to him. “Mike! Answer me, why would you get up?”

She somehow propped him up so that he was sitting against the bed. Her hands were all across his face. “Are you okay?” she asked.

He grabbed hold of her hands to stop her from pushing at the painful area of his cheek. “I’m fine.” He said.

She shook her head a bit. “Okay. So I take it you changed your mind? Will you just let me help you to the couch then?” she asked and Mike agreed.

They made their way over there slowly and Mike dragged a blanket over himself. Donna didn’t join him right away instead she went to the kitchen and returned with a something cold wrapped in a towel. She sat down close to him and put it over his cheek.

For a minute they just sat there together. The ice pack felt kind of nice, if he pushed it up a bit to cover a bit more of his face it help against the headache as well.  
He made himself a bit more comfortable and leaned towards Donna. She put an arm around him and hugged him a big towards her.

“You know that’s going to leave a bruise now right?” she scolded him.

Mike couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Yeah, probably. I don’t think that’s my worst problem though.”

“Oh Mike.” she hugged him closer to her and held on to him. He could feel her shaking a bit.

“Donna? You okay?” he carefully asked.

“Shhh.” Was all he got.

They sat like that. Mike felt warmed by her presence, it was really comforting. Totally worth a black eye. However he felt a bit troubled when she continued to shake.  
Was she crying? What had he done? He didn’t know if he should acknowledge it or not. He patted her arm a bit and then let it be.

He felt touch at her display of emotion. Touch and he also felt stupid. He caused her to be upset, but it hadn’t been on purpose. Sure he could have just stayed in bed until she came back, but he had a feeling that hadn’t been the problem.

They sat like that for a long time, not talking. Donna calmed down pretty quickly, but didn’t let him go and soon Mike closed his eyes and relaxed. He fell asleep a bit later.

When he woke up again he knew exactly why. Pain. Damn it. He hated that. His chest were on fire. It was just those kind of pains that didn’t really want to go away until forever. Donna was still there and she jerked a bit when he said her name. She put the magazine she had been reading away.

As he had suspected it wasn’t much that helped against the pain but he pretended to be better than he was for Donna’s sake, but soon it was getting harder to hide it. To hide how shitty he was feeling just added to his stress. He was too warm and sweaty, felt uncomfortable and sore and couldn’t find any way to position his body without it feeling like it was worse than before.

He wished that Harvey was there instead of Donna. He wouldn’t have to care if Harvey was there. Then he would be able to curse this out as much as he liked. But he couldn’t do that with Donna here, instead he forced himself to smile against her and tell her it was starting to feel a bit better. He lied straight to her face, and wasn’t sure if she saw through him or not.

The pain forced him to lose the control he thought himself to have and it made him irritated. And he missed Harvey! Why wasn’t he there? Mike needed him to be there, but he wasn’t because he had other more important things to do. Mike couldn’t care about Harvey’s cases. Sure he had told Harvey that it was okay that he left, but it wasn’t anymore.

Donna wanted him to eat something. She whined about him not having had breakfast or anything. He argued that he had but she said it didn’t count. She had prepared an omelet for him that he did not want. Just the smell of it made him feel sick.

“Mike please, why don’t you have just a few bites?”

“No Donna I already said no. Thank you but I’m not eating right now.”

“How about I make you something else then?” She tried.

“No.”

“Mike…” she sounded so sad.

“I’ll eat later, okay?” He pleaded.

He thought she was going to keep arguing, but she didn’t. Thankfully.

“When is Harvey going to be here?” He asked.

“Later this evening Mike. You know that.”

“Why can’t he get here now?”

“You want to call him?” Donna asked.

“Yeah.”

Donna get him his phone and left to give him some privacy. As he waited for Harvey to pick up he started to get emotional. He suddenly really wanted Harvey to be there. And for the first minute of the conversation he had a hard time controlling his emotions. He even told Harvey he missed him. Only a tad embarrassing.  
He felt better though after just hearing Harvey’s voice, and he managed to get himself together pretty quickly. After all Harvey was going to be there in a few hours. He could wait. He had Donna as company. Maybe he should just try her omelet.

-SUITS-

Harvey was annoyed with himself, but more so with the client. They had been offered a generous deal if they settled, but Harvey hadn’t really managed to convince the client that this was the best thing that they could get. However the other man was run by greed and wanted more. Once Harvey would have been able to understand his point of view and he would have been prepared to fight for it, but now his mind was otherwise occupied.

The client wanted to call his business partner to discuss the deal with him as well. He didn’t care what Harvey said, and that pissed Harvey off. He knew that he was right, this was the best deal there was.

They had been arguing back and forth now and Harvey felt that his breaking point was close. He had a slight headache and just wanted this over with. The other man was stubborn and arrogant and had already decided that he was right and Harvey was wrong. It was stupid. Harvey argued but that didn’t help much, it only fueled the client’s irritation. This wasn’t going in the direction that Harvey wanted. If he agreed to try and get another deal it would mean that he had to spend more time in Boston, and that wasn’t an option. Mike was counting on him to be home tonight, and he was going to be there. He didn’t think that the client had understood this.

“We are not getting anywhere.” Harvey finally said. “You need to stop being stupid and make a decision.”

“I have already made my decision Mr. Specter and we are going to wait with this offer because I need to talk this through with my partner. He will come by later tonight.”

Harvey wanted to yell at him, but he managed to calm down enough to answer.

“But that would mean that we have to postpone it and hand it in tomorrow. It would mean that I have to stay here another night.”

"Yeah? So, what's another night?” He asked.

“I’ve already told you that I can't do another night. I need to get back home…”

Burfors snarled when he interrupted him. “Yes of course, back to your damn personal reasons, that’s where you're going with, isn't it?”

“You know what?” Harvey said angrily. He didn't care for the other man’s tone at all. “It is! I need to be back tonight no matter what happens to your damn deal. I told you from the start that I had two days here and not a second more.”

“That's bullshit! I’m paying you to do this and I don’t appreciate your tone. Is this a waste of my money?” he was almost screaming and his face was taking on a reddish color.” What could you possibly be the reason that demands you to be back in two days and not a second later.” He continued.

“Fucking heart cancer, that's what.” Harvey said then. He hadn't planned on reviling it, but he might as well just do it now. The comment about him not earning his money stuck with him.

“What? You have heart cancer?” the client looked at him in surprise.

“Of course I don't. Do you think I would be here if I had?”

“Then who? Mr. Specter?” The client wasn't screaming now. He sounded concerned. Harvey debated whether to answer or not, but did.

“It's Mike. My associate. You met him.”

“Yeah your associate, I remember him. With the amazing memory?”

“Yeah. Him.” Harvey sighed. “He doesn't have family so he’s staying with me and I told him that I would be gone for two days and I'm going to keep my word to him.”

The client was quite while he watched Harvey. Then he nodded.

“I'm sorry Harvey.” He said. It was the first time he called Harvey by his first name, up until now he had insisted on being formal. He shook his head a little. “I didn't know what you were going through.”

“Yeah, well…”

“If I had known I could have come to New York. Is he alone now then?” He asked and Harvey stared at him in surprise. Where were this compassion coming from?

“Ehm no, he isn't.”

“Good, that's good. What are his chances?” the client carefully asked.

Harvey shook his head a little. “It's hard to say. He's been doing a little better lately.”

The other man nodded. “Well, should we finish this up then so you will be able to get out of here on time? I’ll… I’ll just call my business partner now. We can do this over the phone.”

Harvey just nodded and they went back to work. Imagine that it was that easy to change someone's thoughts about you, because he could feel that the other man looked at him in a different light now. After they were done and as they parted the client squeezed Harvey's shoulder and nodded a little. It was a gesture of understanding and compassion mixed into a silent touch.

The client had talked to his partner and to Harvey surprise they had went with his suggestions and the settlement had been accepted. Harvey didn’t know if he had Mike and his illness to thank for that. He didn’t want to think that it played a part in it, but suspected that it did.

It reminded him of Mike. The kid was always going on about caring about people and how good that was to do so, that you could get results from it. Maybe in this case it had turned out to be true. Harvey had showed himself vulnerable by telling his client about Mike and how he had promised to help him, it had resulted in that the client changed his mind and went in Harvey’s direction.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted Mike to know about this or not.

In the cab on his way to the airport he called the kid. Not to tell him about the case, he just wanted to see how he was doing. Mike hadn’t sounded all that well the last time they spoke. However Mike didn’t answer, and neither did Donna when he called her. He didn’t think much about it, they were probably just busy. Maybe Mike was sleeping and Donna had put her phone on silent.

He called again when he waited to board his flight. Still no answer and this time it bothered him. Mike would be keeping his phone on, he would want to talk to Harvey. He had told Harvey that he missed him, so why wasn’t he answering now? Donna didn’t answer either. He texted both of them. He called again as he walked towards the plane after showing his boarding card. Same result.

The plane ride wasn’t pleasant. He couldn’t stop thinking about why the hell they didn’t pick up their phones. That wasn’t so hard, was it? His mind kept drifting to horrible scenarios that might have happened. Were they at the hospital?

As soon as he was off the plane he called again. Still no contact with Mike or Donna. He was starting to get angry with them. Anger suppressed worry. He decided to give Rachel a call and see if she knew anything about Mike and Donna’s whereabouts. She didn’t but offered to go to Harvey’s place and check it out. He declined since he was home himself soon anyway.

He was in a cab on his way home. He kept hoping that it was nothing yet expecting something bad. He didn’t know if he could ever leave again if something had happened. The not knowing was the worst. Why wouldn’t they pick up?

-SUITS-

Mike shouldn’t have eaten anything. That had been a mistake for sure. He groaned.

“Are you alright?” Donna asked him.

He didn’t want to insult her cooking by telling her it had made him nauseated. He wasn’t sure if she would be mad or not but right now he didn’t want to risk anything.

“Kind of.” He said. He could tell she didn’t like that answer. However she didn’t say anything about it.

“You have been sleeping for a few hours. Are you sure that you are doing okay sweetie?”

Donna sat down next to him on the edge of the couch. He laid her hand on his forehead and he couldn’t get away. He groaned a bit again, but smiled.

“Don’t be stupid.” She said. “You do feel warm Mike. I want you to take some pills.”

He didn’t feel like putting anything in his mouth, but didn’t fight her. There were something in her eyes that told him he shouldn’t.

Mike didn’t know how much time that passed. He felt off and disconnected. He wished that he knew what was going on. He wished that Harvey was there.

“What’s happening?” He asked Donna. She was still sitting next to him on the edge. Close.

“Not much right now Mike. You want to drink some more?”

He didn’t. She held up a bottle to his mouth anyway. It felt like the water was going to come up again when he had swallowed the last sip. He had to close his eyes for  
a while in order to concentrate to stop that from happening. He couldn’t throw up while Donna was sitting there.

Suddenly something terrible cold and wet hit his face and his eyes flew open as he jerked back as much as he could.

“Sssh.” Donna said and stroke his arm. “It’s okay. It’s just water.” She said. He focused on her and saw that she held up a wet towel that she had used to wipe his face with. He didn’t want her to do that. It was cold. He used his sleeve to dry his forehead.

“Stop.” he begged her. He couldn’t understand why she was doing that, or when she had gotten the towel. She had been sitting there all the time. Maybe he had passed out a bit? He wanted to sit up and did so. He surprised Donna who almost tumbled backwards onto the coffee table behind her.

“Mike? What are you doing? Do you want me to help you?”

He blinked up at her. Not sure what to answer. How would she be able to help him? Only the doctors could do help against the cancer growing inside him. And maybe Harvey. He and Harvey were a team.

“I’m fine.” He said. It took a lot of energy to sit up, so he slumped back against the backrest. He looked around the condo and couldn’t see Harvey anywhere. He had some vague memory of him leaving. Right, he was away with a client somewhere. He was going to come back today.

“You are not fine.” Donna said. “You have a fever. I think it’s pretty high Mike. I don’t like the way it spiked, in only a few hours.”

“What?”

“The pills you took should probably help. Do you want to drink some more? It’s good for you.”

He didn’t want to drink. Couldn’t she understand that drinking made him more nauseous? He was going to throw up. He needed the bathroom. He heaved himself up again and made it up on shaky legs. Donna was saying something and followed him as he stumbled over to the bathroom. She even followed him inside.

His knees hit the ground hard but he didn’t care he was too busy with expelling his lunch. He hated this. He couldn’t control it. He gagged. It tasted so bad.  
Again. It was gross. Donna stroked his back and his shirt stuck to it. His arms trembled as he held himself against the toilet seat.

Donna was there with a glass of cold water as he was done. He rinsed his mouth and spit it out. He wasn’t going to swallow anything else today. He wasn’t going to take the risk. His arms were weak and shook from the effort of holding his weight up and the other holding the glass. Luckily Donna took it before he dropped it and he sank down on the floor right where he was. He was going to stay here now.

“Let’s get back to the couch, that can’t be comfortable. Not to talk about hygienic.” Donna said behind him. He shook his head a little, to the side as much as he could with his face pressed against floor.

He could hear her flushing the toilet next to him and hear her moving around.

“Mike, come on. We should really get you off the floor.” Donna tried. “I’ll help you.”

“No! I can’t!” he exclaimed louder than he thought. He didn’t want to move. He wasn’t going to. It didn’t matter where he was, he could stay right here. He was going to feel like crap wherever he was. “I’m staying here.” He stated just to make sure. The coolness of the floor beneath him felt like a relief. It was hard though.

“You can’t stay on the floor Mike.” Donna tried.

“Yes, I can. It’s fine.” He argued. Couldn’t she see that he already was on the floor and that it was going fine?

He closed his eyes. Donna asked if he needed anything. He moved his head again. Not as much this time. Everything felt like it was spinning even though his eyes were tightly shut.

He was so cold. He didn’t know how long he had been here. Where was here? All he knew was that it was cold. He should open his eyes. When had he closed them? He must have fallen asleep.

If he just opened his eyes then he would know where he was. It was just so hard. He managed though. He was in the bathroom. Harvey’s bathroom, he could recognize the tiles. Where was Harvey then? Hadn’t he been here? He couldn’t remember. He was laying on the floor on his stomach. Some time must have passed because his body felt stiff from its position on the hard floor. He had trouble remembering why he was here. He felt so confused.

Something was draped over his back, but he didn’t know what. It wasn’t enough. He was freezing and nobody cared. Where was Harvey? He felt so confused. He wanted to say something but didn’t know what. It was then that he noticed that someone was stroking his back and someone was talking to him. It kind of scared him that he hadn’t noticed that earlier. It was hard to distinguish any words. It was just noise.

He heard a bit of commotion from somewhere outside. Doors slamming. Harvey’s voice. Harvey’s voice next to him. Hands on his back, trying to turn him. He resisted. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want them to touch him. He tried to shake them away. He thought that he screamed. He didn’t know.

"What? Mike? Mike can you answer me? What’s wrong with him?” Harvey was talking to someone else about him. Oh, that’s right, Donna was there. He didn’t know how he had forgotten that she was there as well. It was kind of weird that they were all in the bathroom together. He wanted to turn his head and look up at them, but he couldn’t. Not right now, it was like he was frozen solid.

“I don’t know Harvey. He needed to throw up and we ended up in here.”

Harvey said something about calling and phones. Mike didn’t understand what he meant, but Harvey sounded upset. It was hard to make sense of the words the others were saying. That scared him. He wanted them to stop.

”I couldn’t leave him Harvey. His fever is too high. It just came out of nowhere. He wasn’t aware of anything.”

Why were she saying that? Aware? Harvey was answering something.

Everything was just too much. He couldn’t understand. He wanted to scream some more. He wanted them to be quiet, because it was too much. A hand came back on his shoulder and he squirmed, trying to shake it off him. The touch didn’t hurt but was uncomfortable and unwelcomed. His attempts to get it off him didn’t work and the hand stayed on his back. He couldn’t move away from it, couldn’t get it off him!

He made a keening noise from the back of his throat, pretty much the only thing he could manage. He was trapped. They held him down now and wouldn’t let him go. He was too weak to get away. He still tried.

Voices sounded over his head again. He shook. He didn’t feel cold anymore. Not at all actually. It was the opposite. It was like his skin was burning. The weight on his shoulder moved. It traveled down along his back and then back up again to its original space. He tried to get away again and shuddered as it stroke him again. He flailed with his arms trying to heave himself up on his elbows and almost panicked as something closed around his wrist. He tried to pull his arm away, but it was stuck.

A deep voices spoke close to him. He whimpered, he was pretty sure he was crying as well but couldn’t be sure. His face was wet at least. He tried to focus on the voice close to him, but there wasn’t any words. Maybe his ears had stopped working? Why couldn’t he understand it?

Time passed. Mike felt so bad and scared. He was panicked. He jerked and flailed, twisting. He didn’t even know if he should try to get away, but it was just instinct, to get away. To run. Imagine how frustrating it was when he wasn’t strong enough to do what his mind was screaming at him.

He did another attempt to get up on his elbows, but something was holding him down, lightly pushing him. The hands were on him still.

He had trouble breathing. Oh god, he was going to die! He let out a sob and let his body relax. He gave up. Another sob. The voice was there again. He tried to focus on it. He tried to calm his breathing. He was breathing so hard that he couldn’t hear the voice. It was repeating the same thing, over and over. He listened. Calm down, that was what it was saying, again and again. Someone was telling him to calm down. He tried immediately, it was instinct too, to listen to that voice. Harvey’s voice he realized. Harvey was there. Right?

It has to be Harvey. But that meant that the hands that were holding him, touching him were Harvey’s as well. He didn’t want those hands on him. They stopped him, they stung his skin. They restrained him. He tried to get his voice to work. Tried to form words. He made some kind of noise but it had no effect on the hands. They traveled up and down along his back.

Again the voice, calm down. He was trying!

“Let…let…let go.” He managed to grunt out. He thought it was the right words. “Don’t.” He added. It worked! Thank god it worked! Nothing was touching him and relief flooded him. He sobbed a little. He wished he could get up. The floor was so hard and cold. It almost hurt laying like this. At least nothing was forcing or pressing him closer to it now. That was something.

He just felt so bad. His chest hurt a little as he tried to get air inside it. He clawed with his hand over it in an attempt to relieve some of the hurt. A hand enclosed his wrist and pulled his hand away. He screamed. He didn’t know why.

”Mike!” Someone screamed his name. He knew that. Then the world was spinning as someone grabbed him and pushed him up and around and then down on his back. He groaned, but was lowered down on something soft. This felt better.

“Open your damn eyes.” A voice said. Harvey. Mike had forgotten that he had been there. He did what Harvey wanted and recoiled a bit. Harvey’s face was so close. He blinked a few times. He had to concentrate hard on focusing on Harvey.

”What is it Mike? What’s going on? Please talk to me.” Harvey said. Harvey sounded weird. Mike didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what was going on!

”Are you in pain? Do you know who I am?”

Mike nodded a bit.

“What? You are in pain? Donna, where are the pills?”

The next minute he had two pills in front of him that Harvey wanted him to eat. He ignored them. Donna was there as well. Mike blinked towards her. She looked bad, her face pale and she had been crying. She was sitting on the floor by his shoulder. Harvey was on his other side. He was dressed in a suit and tie but his hair was a bit messy. Something wild were in his eyes.

“Are you with us now?” Harvey asked. “Mike, can you please just say something.” Harvey’s hand reached out towards him, but he stopped the motion and pulled his hand back again. He looked so worried.

“Mmm..” Mike mumbled. His eyes filled with tears. He didn’t understand what was happening and suddenly he was so tired. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted Harvey and Donna to fix it. He reached out for them both as tears trailed down his cheeks. They both took his hands.

“It’s okay. It’s all okay Mike. I’m here.” Harvey told him. Mike believed him.

-SUITS-

Harvey had known something was wrong as soon as he opened the door to his condo. He could feel it in the air.

“Mike? Donna?” He called out and dropped his bag just inside the door.

“In here!” Donna’s voice called. ”Harvey, in here.” There was a sense of urgency in her voice and Harvey rushed towards the bathroom. The sight that met him there immediately explained why neither Mike nor Donna had answered their phones. Mike was laying, shaking on his stomach next to the toilet. Donna was sitting next to him with a somewhat panicked expression on her face. Harvey didn’t waste any time, just dove down on the other side of Mike.

He asked what was wrong but it was like Mike couldn’t hear him, so he turned to Donna. She said Mike had gotten a fever. He hoped this wasn’t anything else than a fever. Mike was hot to touch his skin sticky. He was laying on his stomach with his face turned towards Harvey. He was constantly moving, twisting around on the floor. His hands were grabbing air as if he was reaching for something. He didn’t answer or give any indication that he could hear what Harvey was asking him.

Donna didn’t think that he was in pain, she thought it was just the fever messing with Mike’s head. Harvey really hoped that she was right. He stroke the kids back, trying to get him to understand that he was here now. Things were going to be fine. He felt doubt spread within him though as Mike whimpered beneath him. It was a terrible sound that cut into Harvey making him feel almost desperate. He didn’t think Mike was aware he was making them.

“Calm down kid, calm down. It’ll be okay.” He told Mike and stroke his back sure that it would have a calming effect.

Mike kept jerking and waving with his limbs and Harvey lightly restrained him so that he wouldn’t hurt himself against something. They were on the bathroom floor after all, the space was limited. Donna had made the best of the situation though, and practically all of Harvey’s towels were on the floor. Some beneath Mike, others stuffed against the wall and counter next to the kid, some looked like they had been acting as a blanket.

Mike jerked underneath his hands and it was like he was trying to sit up which probably wasn’t a good idea at all. Harvey lightly held him down on the floor, he couldn’t let Mike hurt himself.

He exchanged a glance with Donna, but didn’t say anything to her. She looked terrible with tears running down her face, but it was like she didn’t notice it.  
It was scary that Mike was so unresponsive. If he kept this up they would need to call an ambulance. He needed to get Mike to calm down. Harvey kept talking to Mike, repeating the same thing.

Harvey wasn’t aware on how much time that passed. Mike’s body was tense and trembled under his hand. The kid made another attempt to get up. Harvey stopped him. It was then that he could distinguish what Mike was saying. Mike was telling him to let him go!

Dread filled Harvey as he jerked away from the kid. Let go? What did he mean? Then he realized that Mike didn’t want Harvey to touch him. Mike was crying and Harvey’s heart bled for him. Poor kid. Mike didn’t deserve this. But Mike expected him, Harvey, to have his back. He needed to help him. He decided to change tactic. He screamed Mike’s name and a received a disapproving glare from Donna as Mike jerked away from him, but he just leaned forward and turned Mike on his back. The harsher tactic worked and Mike did what he was told as Harvey ordered him to open his eyes.

It was like Mike wasn’t really there though. He didn’t want any medication, or he didn’t know it was there. But for a moment he locked eyes with Harvey, and the older man was sure of that Mike now knew that he was there. Mike started crying and his hands reached out for them. Harvey didn’t hesitated at all as he took Mike’s hand in his. Donna did the same.

They sat like that while Mike gradually calmed down a bit more.

“Do you want me to take you back to your bed?” Harvey asked as he thought that Mike was looking at him. The kid blinked slowly up at him. “Let’s just do that.” Harvey nodded at him. He nodded towards Donna that nodded back and disappeared out of the room for a minute or two.

“All set.” She said when she got back.

Mike blinked tiredly. Harvey didn’t even bother asking him if he could walk or not. With Donna’s assistantence he managed to carry Mike to his bed. Thankfully Mike stayed still but tense as they walked from the bathroom to Mike’s room.

Mike was trembling so Harvey covered him with a blanket. Mike was asleep within in five minutes. He looked much better now, than when he first had gotten home.  
He left the door wide open and when in search for Donna. She was in the bathroom cleaning up.

“He’s asleep.” He said. She looked up at him and dropped the towel in her and took the three necessary steps to be at Harvey’s side. She surprised him by hugging him. He patted her back a little, breathing in her hair.

“He’s okay now. He’s sleeping. You did good.” He whispered in her ear.

-SUITS-

 


	49. Chapter 49

Harvey and Donna sat down at the kitchen island with a cup of tea each. Harvey didn’t even react on the fact that he made them both tea instead of coffee. Since Mike couldn’t have that now he was rarely having any himself. It didn’t feel good to drink coffee when the other man was there, and tea wasn’t so bad. Although, at this moment something stronger would have been nice.

Donna’s hands were shaking just a tiny bit and she was clasping her cup hard, making her knuckles turn white. Harvey felt pretty shaky himself. He shouldn’t have left for so long. Of course something would happen with Mike during those few days that he was gone. The kid really was unlucky sometimes. He also felt guilty about the fact that Donna had been left to deal with Mike on her own, not that she complained. She was capable to handle just about anything, but the guilt was still there. Mike was his responsibility.

However when he tried to apologize to Donna she dismissed him before he had time to finish the sentence. She said that she could handle it, it just upset her to see Mike like that. They talked some more before Harvey decided to take a quick shower while Donna made sure Mike was still okay and sleeping. She also found something for the two of them to eat. After they had finished their meal Donna was hesitant to leave but Harvey convinced her. She needed to rest.

“How about you Harvey? It wasn’t like you were on vacation.”

“I’ll be fine. Maybe you could stop by tomorrow?” Harvey asked her.

“So you are staying home with him? That’s good.”

“It’s not like I have a choice. He is in no shape of being left alone. He’s probably not going to be able to get rid of this fever in the next few days.”

“Yes, you should keep a close eye on him in case he gets worse. This can’t be good for his heart.”

Harvey agreed. “I have had thoughts on the same line.”

“Keep me posted. If you need me, I can come right back.” She carried their plates to the sink. She started to gather her things.

“Donna, before you go, I wanted to ask you something?”

“Sure, Harvey.” She turned against him, her bag in one hand.

“Was he really okay with me gone? He sounded okay most of the time when we spoke on the phone, but I’m not sure how much of it that was an act.”

Donna studied him for a moment. “He was getting by. But sure, some of it was probably an act. I know that he for some reason prefers you in front of me.” She smiled a little and paused. “He worries about you too though Harvey, he really does.”

Harvey didn’t know what to answer to that so he just nodded. Of course he should know that Mike would worry about him, it was in the kids’ nature, but it still warmed him to think about it. Mike that had so much on his mind now, still had room there to worry about him.

“He shouldn’t do that.” He eventually said.

Donna just raised her eyebrows a little and stroke his arm a little. After promising to stop by the next day she left.

Harvey walked over to Mike’s bedroom and stood in the doorway. Mike was the same as before. The cover had slid down from him and only covered parts of his chest. He was on his back with his face tilted a bit to the side. Even in the dim light from the lamp in the corner of the office he could see sweat cover Mike’s forehead, and his shirt stuck to his skin by his neck. This man in front of Harvey was just a shell of the young man Harvey first had met at that hotel when Mike had been carrying around a briefcase of weed and brought secrecy and excitement into Harvey’s life. They still carried the secret of Mike’s lack of a degree with them. Their relationship had evolved since that day and Harvey couldn’t help but smile to himself. He just wished with all of his heart that Mike one day could be the same energetic, brilliant kid that he had been those first few months. Or years even. Sometimes now he could see a glance of that guy in Mike, he was still there but buried deep underneath all the hardship that this illness brought. Harvey decided that he would do his best to also remind Mike of that, that he was still Mike and that Harvey appreciated him no matter what. Because he really did. Sure, they did not have many good days now, but there were a few moments now and again, and Mike needed to keep fighting for those and so much more. Harvey needed to help him with that. He wasn’t sure how but they could figure it out. One day at the time.

Suddenly he felt a bit stupid standing there like that just watching Mike sleep. He was hesitant to go to bed though, even if he felt dead tired. Because what if Mike woke up? But he should probably take some pills and drink something too. Should Harvey wake him up? Had the kid eaten anything today? He was pretty sure Donna had told him about that but now he couldn’t remember. And how was Mike’s heart doing with all of this?

It turned out that he didn’t have to make the decision on whether to wake Mike up or not since Mike made it for him. He suddenly jerked on the bed and hastily made an attempt to sit up. Harvey hadn’t been prepared at all and stumbled back a few steps in surprise.

Mike failed at sitting up, but flailed with his arms until he got the rest of the cover off of him.

“Harvey?” He panted as he blinked rapidly. He made another attempt at getting up. Harvey sat down next to him on the edge of the bed to stop him+.

“Yeah, hi.”

“You are here?” Mike stared at him in disbelief.

“Yeah, I kind of live here.” Harvey forced himself to smile at him, in hopes of calming the kid down. He looked close to tears and Harvey almost desperately wanted to spare him from breaking down.

“You weren't coming back.” Mike sniffled suddenly and hid his face in his hand for a moment before he looked up at Harvey again.

“What are you talking about? Of course I was.” Harvey said.

“No you said you wouldn't come again. You said you were leaving. I don't know why?!”

Mike was getting worked up and Harvey needed to stop it from happening, he had already abandoned the idea about getting Mike to eat something. The most important thing right now was to get Mike to not look like that, so scared and devastated.

“No, I never said that Mike, I wouldn't say something like that to you. Were you maybe dreaming?” Harvey tried.

Mike looked at him with wide eyes. He looked hesitant now.

“I...I don't know.” He said.

“I think you were kid.” Harvey said gently. “I have never told you something like that.”

Mike wouldn't look at him now. His gaze wandered around the room and his hand traveled up his body to settle over his heart.

“I'm here Mike. I'm right here with you. I'm not going anywhere.” Harvey told him.

“Yeah?” Mike whispered still with that uncertain look on his face, although a bit calmer.

“Yes. I promise. You are okay. Try and go back to sleep Mike. I think you will feel better tomorrow.”

Mike swallowed and nodded a little. “Tomorrow?”

“Yes, tomorrow.” Harvey put a hand on Mike’s shoulder. “Just try and relax.” He kept his hand there until Mike’s eyes closed again and his breaths became deeper.

When Harvey realized that Mike in fact was asleep he allowed himself to relax. He felt the guilt rush over him then. Mike must have been dreaming that Harvey was away, and that meant that Harvey being away had affected him more than he had let on, just as both him and Donna had suspected. He thought about how terrible Mike must have felt waking up thinking that Harvey had said that he would never return again. But it had been just a dream. He would prove that to Mike.

He felt tired after days of intense working, little sleep and now worry. He felt a little weak and shaky and had a headache coming on. He needed to sleep. He longed for his bed, but were hesitant. He glanced at the chair in the corner. His back would not thank him for a night in that thing. He turned the baby monitor on and made sure to raise the volume and put it closer to Mike. He went to his bed room and checked the sound quality. This would work. He was pretty sure he would wake up if Mike did. He fell asleep in just a few minutes.

“Har-Harvey!”

He opened his eyes and sat up before he even realized what he was doing. That was Mike. He was screaming. Mike was screaming his name! Harvey rushed out of bed so quickly that he almost got tangled into his own sheets and fell, but he got on his feet and practically ran towards Mike.

“Harvey!” Mike’s hoarse voice rang out again before Harvey got to him.

Mike was sitting up in bed facing the door. His whole body was trembling and he was breathing way too fast for Harvey’s liking. His hands were gripping tight onto the covers.

“Hi Mike, hi. It’s okay.”

There were tears streaming down the younger man’s cheeks and Harvey’s heart sank a little. He came over and put a hand on Mike’s shoulder.

“Harvey…” Mike whimpered. “I was…you…where…” he wasn’t making much sense, probably not even knowing himself what to say. He let out a sob. “Harvey…” he said again.

“Yeah, it’s okay now. Don’t be upset. Everything is fine. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

“I was…” Mike was mumbling something else that Harvey couldn’t hear. He wouldn’t stop crying. Harvey moved a bit closer to him and patted his back a bit. Mike was incredibly warm to touch and his shirt clang to his back.

“I’m here Mike. It’s fine now.” Harvey kept repeating, hoping Mike would calm down enough to hear him, to be able to listen.

“You weren’t here.” Mike said then and Harvey felt himself stiffen a bit.

“I am now.” He said after swallowing. His voice sounded shaky and he repeated himself. “I’m here Mike.”

“You can’t le-leave. You ca-can’t.” Mike stuttered.

“Okay, I won’t”

“You… you weren’t here Harvey! I was…” he shook his head. “I wanted you to come back.” Mike turned his head now and his eyes met Harvey’s. Harvey didn’t know what else to do but to nod.

“I know Mike. I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.” He didn’t look away from Mike. He was pretty sure Mike was too out of it at this point to remember any of this later on, but that didn’t matter. All he wanted to do was to get that haunted look away from Mike’s face.

“I thought…I wanted you to come.”

“I know.” Was Mike getting a little more coherent? His trembling had lessen some but his breathing was the same making it hard for him to talk. Then Mike asked something that had crossed Harvey’s mind a million times already, whether he had wanted it to or not, because it was a real possibility. It was just that they never had mentioned it before.

“What if… what if I die and you’re not here? What if I do?”

“Mike…” Harvey felt that nothing he could say would help much.

“Please Harvey, please you can’t leave again. Please, please don’t do that.”

“That's not going to happen Mike. I won't.”

“Give me your word. You have to promise.”

“I do.”

“I just don’t want to die alone.” Mike sobbed. His hand gripped Harvey’s shirt.

“I give you my word Mike, that won’t happen. I won’t leave again. I’ll stay here with you. Okay? How does that sound? I’ll stay. I’m staying.”

Harvey carefully removed Mike’s hand from his shirt and pulled the shaking body against him. Mike cried against him then, almost immediately Harvey could feel wetness on his shoulder as tears soaked the fabric of his shirt. He stroked the kid’s back. He was so warm. That couldn’t be good. Maybe he should take Mike to the hospital. Was this dangerous?

Mike just needed to calm down before they could do anything else. Mike clang weakly to him, seeking comfort. He was mumbling something, but the sound was too muffled by Harvey’s shoulder for him to make it out what it was. He just shushed him and repeated the same things over and over as he forced his voice to sound calm. The tried do drown out the sounds Mike was making with constants it’s okay and I’m here.

Mike was sagging against him now, too drained to keep himself up. He was relaying on Harvey to keep him locked against him and Harvey was doing that. He wasn’t going to let Mike go. He felt so incredibly guilty at the moment. He knew he shouldn’t but couldn’t help doing it. Mike didn’t want him to leave because he was afraid of dying alone. Harvey couldn’t imagine that fear, how it must eat at the kid. Harvey had known about it, he had, but he had basically ignored it. Sure, nothing had happened while he was away, except for Mike having this fear he just expressed. That was more than enough. Then and there Harvey promised himself that he wouldn’t go anywhere until Mike was better. Because he was going to be. Better.

Mike was still crying silently. Harvey could feel it, the way his body twitched. However he was much calmer now. He kept mumble things though. Harvey could make out some of it once in a while.

“I don’t feel good. I think I’m sick.” Mike whispered and Harvey found himself smiling a bit.

“I think you are right.” He said. “We should try and do something about that.” He decided. He found the button to rise the bed and did so. He lowered Mike down towards the pillows and put a hand on his wet face.

“I’ll be right back.” He said sternly and waited until Mike were able to meet his eyes and nod a little. He looked terrified but Harvey left anyway. He gathered painkillers, a glass of water and a wet towel and a couple of dry ones and went back. He thought of getting Mike into some other clothes but abandoned that idea pretty quickly. He settled for wiping Mike’s face and his neck with one of the towels and then dried him with another. Mike was just laying there letting him do it.

Harvey kept talking calmly to the kid, trying to get Mike to respond. He managed to get him to take a few pills against the fever. Hopefully they would help.

“You won’t leave right?” Mike quietly asked when he understood that Harvey was done with his ministrations. “Please stay here.”

Harvey wanted to hug him again, but he just wiped the new tears away with his thumb.

“I’m staying.” He just said. He then laid down beside Mike, a bit higher than him so that Mike was able to lean against his chest. He pulled the cover over the kid and put his arm around him. “I’m right here. It’s okay Mike. Don’t worry. I’ll keep watch.” He said.

He thought that Mike had fallen asleep, but he hadn’t. “Thank you.” He murmured against Harvey. “Thank you Harvey.”

Harvey didn’t know what to answer, so he said nothing, just squeezed Mike a little towards him. He blinked furiously to get rid of his own tears. After a minute or two he was successful in forcing them back. By then Mike was asleep.

-SUITS-

Mike blinked his eyes opened. They felt incredibly dry and almost hurt a little. He brought a hand up and rubbed at them a bit. That was better.

Morning light was streaming into the room from behind the blinds, but he had no idea what time it was. He felt a little too warm and a bit dizzy. Something was pressed against his right arm. He turned his head to the side and found that it was Harvey!

What was he doing here? In Mike’s bed, sleeping next to him. He blinked a few times and tried to think. What had caused Harvey to share a bed with him? Dread started to fill him as glimpses of last night flashed before him. Oh no. What had he done? What had he said? Had he really begged Harvey not to let him die alone? Was that a real memory? He wasn’t sure, but he hoped with all of his being.

He remembered fear too. Waking up to paralyzing fear and just the need to scream for help. Judging by the fact that Harvey was sleeping next to him he had done just that. And Harvey had come. Of course he had. He could remember arms around him, his face pressed against something warm and solid, him gripping textile, pulling it against him. Just a feeling of wanting to melt together with Harvey’s comforting embrace. Because it had felt like he had been getting help. He had felt comforted. He had felt better.

At the same time as it was horrifying to remember what he had done and how he had behaved he also felt unbelievably grateful towards the older man next to him. He had shown up when he had needed him the most. He didn’t want to remember something about him crying his eyes out and begging Harvey to stay with him. No, he didn’t want to. He hadn’t done that he decided. He did his best to try and distract himself from that nagging memory of himself as a pathetic mess. He tried to tell himself that he had been feeling really crappy and probably had a fever, but it was hard to not feel embarrassment.

Harvey was sleeping soundly next to him. He looked older than he was in this light. His hair was messy and he was in need of a shave. As Mike watched him he felt how his eyes grew heavy. He didn’t notice when he fell asleep again.

“…Mike? Can you wake up?” Someone was shaking his shoulder. He tried to move away. He wanted them to stop. He blinked up at Harvey. His eyes were still dry and he had a headache now. He moved his head a bit to the side in search of a cool patch.

“You awake?” Harvey asked. He was smirking. He looked like a different person. He was actually clean shaven and his hair was still a bit damp from the shower. He looked tired though.

“You should take this and drink something.” Harvey told him. Mike groaned and did what he was told.

“Are you feeling better?” Harvey asked after Mike had forced himself to drink a little tea and eat a toast. He mostly did it to make Harvey happy. He had looked happy when Mike took the last bite.

“A little. Sorry about last night.” It was reflex. He had to say it, but Harvey just brushed it off.

“You scared the crap out of me.” He said honestly and Mike didn’t know what else to say than apologizing again.

“I’ll try and not to do it again.”

Harvey laughed at him then. For so long that Mike had to smile a little himself.

“Do you have a fever too? Or have you gone crazy?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” Harvey breathed.

Harvey made Mike move over after that so that Harvey had room to sit next to him. He had his laptop with him.

“What is this Game of thrones-stuff?” He asked. Mike stared at him.

They watched four episodes before Mike fell asleep.

When he woke up again Donna was in the room as well. She smiled at him when she saw that Mike was awake and come over and kissed his cheek.

“I’m so glad you are doing better.” Mike got worried that she was going to cry, but she didn’t. Instead she showed her a clip on her phone of Louis doing ballet moves in his office. She wouldn’t reveal her source. Mike suspected Rachel had filmed it for his benefit, to cheer him up. It worked and he laughed as Louis spun around on the spot, before stopping, looking around him before adjusting his suit jacket and sitting down on his desk again.

Mike had a great day. It was so weird. From being so sick the day before to actually enjoying himself the next. Harvey and Donna joked around with each other, made him drink a lot, complained when he wouldn’t eat up all of his food.

He had a hospital visit scheduled for that day, but Harvey called and asked if they had to come in or not. They said that they could postpone it a day since he still had a fever. That was good news. He was too drained to get dressed and take a cab to the hospital.

They did go the next day though. It didn’t go all that well. Harvey went with him of course and he was more worried than Mike was. His values weren’t good at all. They almost kept him at the hospital but he insisted that he was fine. They didn’t believe him at all, he could see it in their eyes. That look worried him more than anything else. It didn’t mean that they didn’t believe him, it meant that they knew that he wasn’t fine. And maybe he should have stayed there.

Later that night when they were back home again Harvey came to Mike’s room and wanted to talk. Mike wasn’t really up for that but still nodded. Harvey wanted to talk about when he was away and had Mike really been okay with it, because if not Harvey said that was sorry. Mike felt himself blush and tried to convince Harvey that it had been fine. He just had a fever that night, he had been messed up. Harvey gave him a look but let it go.

Mike’s fever didn’t ease up. It lowered some but he still felt dizzy and too warm and had no appetite. What he wanted to do most was to lay on the couch among pillows and blankets and just sleep or watch TV. Harvey joined him most of the time. Mike rarely saw him work during those two days that followed. Not much happened during those days. It did on the day after though.

Something felt wrong but Mike didn’t know what it was. He could feel the fever that was still there but this was something else. It made him worried. He was on his usual spot on the couch. Getting there during the morning had been unusually difficult. He had almost thought that he wasn’t going to make it. He managed but it left him breathless.

“Harvey?” He watched as the other man quickly turned towards him from his spot by the kitchen island.

“What?” he called.

Mike didn’t really know what to say. “Eh… I feel weird.” He said eventually.

Harvey came over to him. “What do you mean weird?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I don’t know.” Mike said weakly. He didn’t know how to explain and didn’t have the energy to come up with something. “Just weird.”

Harvey pursed his lips and nodded.

“Are you in pain?” he asked as he studied Mike, who shook his head.

“Okay.” Harvey sat down on the table. ”Give me your arm.” Harvey took his wrist and felt his pulse. He shrugged after a while. “Just try and rest. Donna will be here soon. Let me know if you feel…weirder.”

Mike just nodded and tried to relax to get rid of the tight feeling over his chest. Maybe he was just stressed or worried. Harvey moved from the kitchen and sat down in a chair across from him with some papers in his lap. He smiled when Mike looked at him and Mike weakly smiled back.

Donna arrived a bit later with lunch for the three of them. Mike refused to eat though. He just shook his head and told them he would eat later. He couldn’t do that right now. He didn’t want to move. Something was wrong. He wasn’t feeling well. It was too warm here and he felt even dizzier than before. The tightness in his chest had worsened and it was hard to breath now.

All he could think about was that he wasn’t getting enough air. He suspected that this was bad news. Slowly fear was creeping up on him adding to the weight on his chest. He should tell Harvey. He couldn’t see him, he wasn’t on the chair any longer. But Donna had been there right? Where was she? He couldn’t move to see where she was, he tried to say something but no words came out. He thought he moaned something though.

Suddenly Donna was talking to him, but he couldn’t make out the words she was saying. Mike was silently panicking. Yep, he was freaking out! What was going on with him? It has to be his heard. Oh god, they needed to help him!

Hands were on his face and suddenly he was able to look into Harvey’s eyes. Harvey was talking as well, saying his name. He was talking and screaming, touching him and Mike didn’t know what to do. He just tried to breath, he wasn’t getting enough air. It hurt now too. Everything! He tried to move, tried to get up, he was barely aware of what his body was doing. He just knew he had to fight. However the world was getting blurry. Darker.

-SUITS-

“Mike? Are you okay sweetie? Can you answer me?” Donna was asking again. Harvey looked over towards the kid from his spot at the kitchen island. Mike was slumped down on the couch with a blanket draped over him. At first Harvey couldn’t understand the concern in Donna’s voice, but then he heard Mike’s breathing clearer. Something was off about it and he did looked a bit flushed. And also, he wasn’t answering Donna. In fact he didn’t show in any way that he had heard her. Harvey stood up and walked over to them.

“Kid? Can you hear us?” He asked. Still nothing. Harvey and Donna exchanged a look. Oh no.

Harvey sat down in front of Mike and blocked his view of the TV, as Donna turned it on mute. Mike still wasn’t reacting, so Harvey put a hand on his cheek and turned it towards him.

“Look at me.” Harvey said. When Mike did, everything changed. Harvey could see that it was serious with just that one fleeting look Mike gave him. Their eyes met for about two seconds, and it was enough for Harvey to know. There was urgency in Mike’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Harvey asked but Mike returned to just staring in front of him, like he didn’t know Harvey was there anymore, his chest was moving quickly up and down. Shit! “Mike?!”

“Harvey? What’s happening with him? Is he okay?” Donna asked. “Can I get him something?”

“I think we need to get him to the hospital. Right Mike?” He tried. He was getting more and more worried. Was it his heart? He tried to remember all the warning signs. Could this classify as any of them? Raspy abnormal breathing? That was one sign that something was wrong.

“He really doesn’t look good.” Donna said. “Should we try with the prescription he got last week?” She asked.

”No, we need to go now Donna. This is bad. He is not responding. Listen to his breathing!”

“Harvey calm down, I’m not disagreeing with you.”

“We should call an ambulance. Mike? Come on, just answer me!” Harvey shook Mike’s shoulder, but Donna put a hand on his arm to stop him.

“Harvey, he can’t. I’m making the call.” She had her phone by her ear already and stepped a bit to the side to be able to hear better.

Harvey had all of his attention on Mike. His eyes were only half way opened now. Sweat was covering his forehead and face and he had a grayish skin tone by now. Harvey swallowed nervously and stroked Mike’s arm. He hastily pulled the blanket off the kid and threw it on the floor.

“Just hang in there, Mike. You will be fine. Donna and I are going to be right here with you. You just have to keep fighting.”

“Five to seven minutes Harvey. I’ll go down and meet them.” Donna said and disappeared. Harvey barely heard what she was saying. All his attention was on Mike and he didn’t leave his side.

He hated this. He hated seeing Mike like this. Donna was most likely right. Mike couldn’t answer him right now. He was too busy with trying to keep breathing, keep surviving. Because that’s how bad this was Harvey was slowly starting to realize. Mike was in really bad shape right now. They should have just gone to the hospital sooner! Mike had told him he had felt weird. What had he been thinking?

Harvey jerked in surprise when Mike let out a cough, he hadn’t been prepared at all. Mike’s arms flailed a bit towards his chest and he opened his eyes wider staring unseeingly straight up. Harvey didn’t have time to do much of anything before Mike’s head lolled to the side and he was unconscious.

Harvey swore loudly and immediately felt Mike’s neck for a pulse. There was one! However he didn’t like the pace of it. He yelled for Donna but didn’t get an answer. He felt panic surge through him as he looked down at Mike. This was so bad!

Time passed endlessly slow as Harvey tried to decide what to do now. Should he carry Mike to meet the paramedics or just wait for them to come? Either way he wasn’t letting Mike out of his sight. He arranged Mike to lie more flat and threw a couple of the pillows out of the way. He then sat on the edge of the couch and kept a hand on Mike’s neck while he spoke to the kid in a monotone voice.

“Keep breathing. Don’t you dare do anything stupid right now! Your heart better keep beating kid.”

He kept saying stupid things like that because maybe Mike could hear him after all, or maybe sense in some way that he was there at least. He prayed that he did and that he would do what he was told. Then Mike’s breathing got worse. He had some sort of pause in them and they sounded too raspy. Then along with Harvey’s calmness, Mike’s breaths stopped.

“Shit, damn it!” Harvey swore. He shook Mike’s shoulder and called his name. Nothing. He swore again and went into action. He violently pushed the table away to make room, took a hold of Mike and dragged him down on the floor. He called for Donna as he ripped Mike’s t-shirt to shreds, baring his chest. He put his ear towards Mike’s face, trying to feel if any air came out of him, his chest wasn’t moving!

“No, no, no! Mike don't do this! Don't you do this!”

He leaned over Mike, entwined his fingers and started pushing with straight arms. He read about this, he was prepared. He pushed down in the middle of Mike’s chest, about the length of three fingers every time. Mike’s ribs moved beneath his hands. He counted loudly as he pushed. You were supposed to push pretty fast, about 100-120 beats per minute. He couldn’t think of anything other than for Mike to stop doing this, to live. When he got to thirty, he stopped and turned his focus on Mike’s head, tipped it backwards with on hand on his forehead and pinched his nose shut. With the other hand he open Mike’s mouth. He enclosed Mike’s slack lips with his own and breathed, checked if his chest was moving and breathed again. Oh god, nothing. Then he started pushing, to thirty again.

“One, two, three, four, five, Donna! Six, seven, eight, breathe Mike, ten, eleven…”

He couldn’t think of anything else, than the counting. Couldn’t allow himself to. He couldn’t think about how Mike’s chest was bending underneath his hands, he couldn’t think of the color Mike’s face had taken or the way his body moved jerkily with every movement Harvey forced it to make. Did a rib just crack? He couldn’t stop! He couldn’t even think of why he was doing this. All he knew was that he had to keep going!

Harvey was doing compressions during the three minutes it took for the paramedics to arrive. It felt like time stood still. For Harvey it might as well been ten minutes or two hours. He just kept at it. Pushing down to thirty, breathed two times for Mike, repeat. Why wasn’t he breathing? Why wasn’t it working?

“Harvey! Oh god!”

Donna was with the paramedics. Harvey didn't know if she had been there earlier or arrived with them. Harvey wasn’t aware of much except when they flooded the area beside and around him. They carefully steered him away from Mike. Donna grabbed hold of him as soon as she could. She shushed him, hugging his arm. He didn’t know if he talked or not. His whole body was heaving. He felt exhausted.

A tube was pressed down Mike’s throat, a defibrillator was quickly connected to Mike's chest. Harvey jerked himself when the machine shocked Mike. It spoke and the paramedic by Mike's side continued with compressions. It hadn't worked! Mike's heart was still not beating. This was unreal. It was like Harvey was in a bubble, just watching everything take place in front of him on mute. Was this happening? Was Mike dying in front of him?

Then they stopped.

They stopped working on Mike, just leaned away from him and Harvey made a move forward immediately. Why would they stop? He needed to help him!

“Harvey no! Wait!” Donna was holding on to him, trying to drag him back. She was barely able to stop him.

“Sir, step back!” A paramedic yelled. What the hell?

Mike jerked again and Harvey understood. He stilled and just stood there and stared. Mike looked so bad, horrible. He didn’t look alive. He wasn’t. It was awful. It was the worst seconds of Harvey’s life. Then something happened.

“He’s back.” Two simple words from the paramedic’s mouth and Harvey’s legs folded underneath him. He ended up sitting on his knees staring as Mike twitched a bit. They removed tube and wiped him clean and replaced it with and oxygen mask.

“We need to move. Now!” They got Mike on a gurney and was out of the condo within less than two minutes. Harvey and Donna followed, Harvey leaving it to Donna to grab his keys and locking the door behind them.

They weren’t allowed to join Mike in the ambulance. They said there wasn’t any time or any space. Even though how much Harvey hated to be left on the street like that, watching the ambulance with Mike rushing off with the sirens sounding, he hadn’t argued with them this time. Because he knew that they were right. It wasn’t any time. Something might happened again. What if it did?

Harvey let Donna lead him to a cab, she even closed the door behind him. He vaguely wondered if he might be in shock. He felt kind of numb.

They didn’t get to see Mike when they arrived to the hospital. They didn’t get any information about him either no matter how many times they asked during the hours they spent in the waiting area.

“Shit! What’s taking so long?” Harvey grumbled. Why the hell wouldn’t they tell them anything? Was Mike even alive? Had his heart stopped again? Why was it taking so long?

Two more hours they waited. Then three.

Donna tried to talk to him. Asked if he was alright. He said he was fine. She looked like she didn’t believe him at all. He didn’t believe himself. He just patted her arm a little and she held his hand. He was vaguely aware that she was making some phone calls.

They sat like that until a doctor arrived. He had a serious expression on his face and when he asked them to come with him so they could talk Donna silently started to cry. It got too much for her then. Harvey just took her by the arm and led her after the doctor into a small room furnished with only two couches and a little table between them. He sat down next to her on one of them and kept his attention to the man in front of him. The man who knew something about Mike, his Mike.

The doctor sat down and sighed before he started speaking.

“I’m really sorry to have to tell you this. First of all, Mike is still alive at the moment but unfortunately he is in a very bad shape. It was lucky you got here when you did. Half an hour later and we would most likely have lost him due to his heart complications.”

”Oh god.” Donna whispered and put her hand hard over her mouth. Harvey didn’t move. He didn’t say a word, just waited for the rest.

“We had to shock Mike’s heart three more times tonight. That is really stressful for his already weakened heart which means it’s in a bad condition. At this moment we are not sure that Mike is strong enough to recover from this episode.”

Harvey felt himself tense and hold his breath in as his mouth got dry and his eyes hot. “What? What do you mean?” He breathed out.

”I’m really sorry to tell you that Mike might not make it past tonight. I think it is wise for you to say your goodbyes to him at this point, should something happen.”  
Donna was sobbing. Harvey felt himself start to shake. This wasn’t happening! He wasn’t hearing what he thought he was hearing. The doctor started telling them more about what was going on with Mike’s heart and what they had done to try and fix it but Harvey couldn’t focus on what was said. This couldn’t be it. This wasn’t it. It just couldn’t be. He started to shake his head.

”We are not saying anything like that to him.” He got out in a low growl interrupting the other man.

“I understand how hard this must be to hear. At the moment he is in the ICU and stable but in critical condition. We are doing everything possible to keep him alive. We’ll allow shorter visits. I know this is hard to take in, but…” The doctor continued until he was interrupted.

“Shut the hell up!” Harvey interrupted him. He couldn’t and wasn’t going to stop himself. “Mike is not dying! We’re not going to go there and say good bye to him. He’s not dying! You are wrong. You should be with him doing your fucking job and save him, not stand here talking shit with us.”

“Harvey…” Donna quietly said but he ignored her. The doctor nodded, not showing at all that he was faced with Harvey’s yelling.

“I’m telling you how the situation for Mike is right now. And this is what it looks like at the moment unfortunately.”

“No! This is not happening!” Harvey shook his head. ”It’s not.”

“Hopefully it won’t but there is a possibility. We are doing everything in our power to keep Mike’s heart beating right now, but it might not be enough.”

“You people have said that you would do anything you could for him. You can’t just give up. There has to be something else you can do!”

“We are not giving up and neither is Mike. He is still fighting. But what I am saying right now is that it might be too much for his heart to handle and in that case it nothing that we can do. You should say what you need to just in case…”

“I’m not saying anything to him, because he is not going to fucking die.” Harvey said slowly, he sounded much calmer than he felt. “He is not. We are not saying goodbye!” He knew he was repeating himself, but didn’t care.

“The current situation is what follows and I’m going to be honest now.” The doctor calmly started again. This was someone that was used to handle outburst like Harvey’s’. “Mike might not make it more than a few hours or he might make it through tonight. But Harvey, if he doesn’t make it, and you didn’t speak with him you will regret it deeply.”

Just as Harvey was going to start screaming again, because that was all he wanted to do, Donna put a warm hand on his arm. He looked into her tear drenched eyes and suddenly noticed that things were kind of blurry. After he blinked a few times he looked into her eyes again and saw her devastated expression, it was like he just deflated. “Donna…” He whispered.

“Harvey, please. We have to go to him. He is alone.” It was all she said to make the anger that was filling him leave room for something else. She was right. Mike was alone. They weren’t there. Mike didn’t know that they were there for him, like Harvey had promised to be. He stood up so violently that his chair almost tipped over.

“Where is he?” he said.

“I’ll take you to him.”

They walked down the hallway and Harvey couldn’t stop thinking about this morning. Everything had been okay then. Mike had been tired and Harvey had had to help him to the couch, but after that things had been normal. At least until Mike had said he felt weird. Maybe that had been when things had started to go wrong. Maybe something had happened inside of Mike and he had just ignored it. He felt incredible guilty now and blamed himself. Why hadn’t he acted? Why?

But, he had to remind himself. Mike had just told him he felt weird and nothing else, how would Harvey been able to know that it was something serious? He hadn’t been in pain either. But now here they were and Mike might only have hours left to live.

Mike was so still. He was intubated and connected to more wires than ever. No, no, no. This wasn’t happening. Right? It wasn’t. Harvey wanted to just storm up to Mike and shake him until he opened his eyes and asked what was wrong with Harvey for freaking out like that?

“Has he woken up?” Donna asked.

“No.” The nurse next to Mike said. “We sedated him earlier, but he might wake up later and be in pain. Let us know immediately in case he does while you are here.”

“We will.” Donna said.

“I’ll leave you with him for a while. We are just outside if you need us.” The nurse said and Donna thanked her. Harvey remained quiet. He couldn’t take his eyes of Mike. He slowly sat down on a chair next to Donna. It was like he was in a daze again, just like he was after he had finished giving compressions to Mike. Like he wasn't entirely there. He wished he wasn't, or that he didn't have to be.

How do you say goodbye?

He had no idea. What could he possible say to Mike in this situation?

It wasn’t what to say that was the problem, he knew that. He knew what to say if it came to it, but this couldn't be it. To say those things would feel like giving up on Mike. To say goodbye would mean that he was okay with Mike dying, that he was giving Mike his permission to stop fighting. That was somethings he wasn't prepared to do.

Donna was whispering things to Mike and was holding his hand in both of hers. She had tears in her eyes. He couldn't distinguish what she was saying.  
Harvey stood up. He turned away from Mike and headed for the door. He needed to get out of the room. He needed to not see Mike lying like that on the bed. Dying. It was just too much.

He knew that Donna was calling for him but at the moment he couldn't care. He collapsed on a bench and tried to get his breathing under control. Had he forgotten how to breathe? He couldn't stop tears from appearing and he didn't care. This was for real. He didn't care if someone could see him crying in a hospital hallway. His best friend was fighting for his life and might actually lose. He might be losing this moment, but Harvey still just sat there trying to breathe. He felt cold and sweaty at the same time.

Donna sat down next to him a few minutes later, he had barely noticed when she came. He stiffened when she touched him.

“It's okay Harvey.” She whispered. “It's okay to show that you are upset.”

He nodded and turned towards her and leaned against her as she brought her arms around him. He decided to let go then. And as he did it amazed him how easy it was. The hurt, fear, sadness and the frustration flooded out of him right then and there. Donna cried as well.

They sat like that for a while just holding on to each other before Harvey pulled back. A tissue appeared from nowhere in Donna’s hand and he thankfully accepted it.

“Thank you.” He said. He felt better now, more collected although the dread in his stomach was there to stay.

“I'm surprised it hasn't happened earlier.” She smiled sadly.

“What if he doesn't make it?” Harvey quietly said. “What do we do then?”

“I don't know.” Donna said. “I don't know Harvey. But he is still here. There is still a chance. He is still fighting. ”

“He is my best friend. He is like my little brother.” Harvey said.

“I know. And you are his. He needs you more than ever right now. Show him that you got him.”

Harvey nodded. After a few moments in silence Donna asked if he was ready to go back inside. He was so they did and took their old places. Mike was exactly the same, he hadn’t moved an inch. He was probably not aware that they were there. Harvey was hesitant to touch him. It almost looked like it would hurt Mike if he did. Donna didn’t see it like that and had moved closer to the bed and was almost leaning over it. Her hand was lightly stroking the kid’s cheek around the tube stuck down his throat. He watched as she lightly pressed a kiss to Mike’s slack hand.

An hour or two passed, Harvey didn’t know and didn’t care. He sat where he was and just watched Mike. He didn’t speak. Nurses were there a couple of times and they had to step aside for them, but wasn’t made to leave. Something Harvey was incredible grateful for, because he would have fought with all he had to get to stay.  
Mike woke up. At first they noticed a change at the heart monitor and then Mike moved a little.

“Sweetie? Are you awake?” Donna asked and to their joy Mike’s eyes fluttered open. Harvey’s own heart started beating faster as he leaned forward. But this wasn’t positive news, he could immediately tell that Mike was in a lot of pain and not really with them.

Mike didn’t look at them just stared blankly up at the ceiling, at least for a few seconds. Then he made a gurgling sound and trashed a little on the bed, scaring Donna causing her to lean back from him.

“Mike, calm down. You have to calm down.” Harvey urged.

Mike didn’t seem aware of anything. His body was twisting, jerking, his chest heaving and his hands flailed up towards his face. The worst was the noises he was making. It barely sounded human. He sounded like a wounded animal. The sound was low in volume and Mike moaned with every breath he took fighting the respirator, like it hurt him immensely every time it filled his lungs with air.

Harvey desperately tried to make contact, to get Mike to look at him. He spoke to him, shushed him, stroked his arm and held on hard to one of his hands. It didn’t work.

Doctors and nurses rushed into the room the next minute. Their hands where on Mike instantly as they tried themselves to make contact as they held him down to the bed. His body trashed weakly. Someone forces Mike’s eyes opened and shone a light in them, others checked the machines, adjusted things and all the while they spoke hurriedly among each other. Harvey had been pushed to the side and helplessly watched as something was injected in Mike’s IV and his body started to relax.

“He’s okay. He is stable. He will be asleep again in a minute or two. For now we will leave the respirator with him.”

Harvey only nodded, not taking his eyes of Mike. But as soon as he was able to he went over to Mike and grabbed his hand and turned Mike’s face a little against him. He kept his hand along Mike’s face. He patted it a little. Mike’s eyes wandered towards his face. Harvey wasn’t sure Mike recognized him.

“You need to listen to me Mike. You need to fight now, you need to fight this. Give it all you got. Do you understand?”

He waited a little. Hoping. But Mike’s eyes fluttered shut. Harvey had to stop himself from shaking him.

“Mike! Come on!” He felt desperate. He didn’t want Mike to fall asleep again.

“Harvey.” Donna said behind him.

“No! He needs to hear this. He needs to fight.”

“He needs to rest. You’re…”

She stopped herself and pulled a bit on his arm and he noticed that he had Mike’s shoulder in a tight grip. Too tight? He let go as quickly as he had been burned.

“I didn’t mean…” He said. “Mike?”

His eyes were closed.

“Damn it.” Harvey sighed. He hated this. He hated the fact that Mike was so sick that he might not make it through the night. And he hated that he couldn’t do anything about it.

-SUITS-

Pain. Pain came crashing over him as soon as he regained consciousness. He wished himself back to the darkness that he had been in just moments ago. He didn’t want to be awake to this. He had no control over his own body. It was trying it’s best to escape the pain. He couldn’t see and he couldn’t hear. He thought that he was screaming, but something was down in throat and he couldn’t breathe!

He needed help. Why wasn’t anyone helping him?

Restrictions. Something was pushing on his arms and shoulder, weight were by his hip. His head was kept still by what felt like iron hands. His whole body hurt as he tried to get free. He needed to get the thing out of his mouth.

Blinding lights were shone into his eyes that was forcefully open. Were they going to rip his eyes out? But the light was gone and things got darker again.

Suddenly he could feel how the pain started to disappear from his body. Warmth filled him slowly and the pressure eased up. His mind got a little bit clearer as he understood that he was at the hospital. The nurses let his arms go and no one was touching him anymore. They must have given him something for the pain. His whole body felt incredibly heavy and he knew that he was about to pass out again. He just hoped that he would wake up again from this.

This felt different than anything else he had experienced and it worried him a lot. It was just a feeling he had of just sinking and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to get back up to the surface.

Someone grabbed his hand and hands were on his face and hit it lightly. He blinked up towards the person in front of him. It was too bright here. He could barely see, but he knew that it was Harvey that was there. Harvey always had his back. Harvey was here now too. The worry he just felt was forgotten in an instant. Harvey was here. He was talking. Shaking him. Mike couldn’t react. He wish he could because Harvey’s voice were loud and urgent and his grip on Mike’s shoulder were painfully tight. He couldn’t get away from it, but he didn’t want it gone. He wanted Harvey to hold on to him, because that would mean that he wouldn’t sink.

The world grew dark. He couldn’t see Harvey anymore, just felt his grip. He still felt it as his consciousness left him.

-SUITS-

Mike didn’t wake up again, no matter how much Harvey told him too. He carefully shook him but nothing. He couldn’t help but feeling frustrated. Why the hell couldn’t he just wake up? It was scary to see him so still.

“Why is he doing this?” He muttered. “He needs to fight harder.”

“Harvey, he was in a lot of pain. Maybe it’s better if we let him rest. He can barely breathe on his own.”

“He is strong enough to do it himself. He has rested enough already. He should just wake up, get better so that we can get out of here.”

“Harvey…” Donna sounded so upset, but he couldn’t care about that right now. He didn’t have it in him to comfort her at this point. It was Mike who needed him more now.

“He is going to be fine.” He said stubbornly. “I don’t get why they had to sedate him when he finally woke.”

“Yes you do. You saw how he was. All he knew was pain.”

He didn’t get why she was pushing like this. What did she want? He stood up and asked her and saw how she took a few steps back from him.

“You have to talk to him.” She whispered and he knew what she meant.

“I will when we get him back home. He is not even awake now.” He said. Donna was quiet for a long time and when she spoke again he understood that she had just been preparing herself.

”Harvey, please I know you don’t want to hear this and I hate saying it, but you have to face the possibility that Mike won't make it. And if it comes to it you need to show him that it is okay. You have to show him that it is okay if he can't fight anymore. You have to tell him what he means to you and that you are okay with it. He deserves to hear it, even though he is sleeping.” She paused and Harvey knew she was nervously waiting for his reaction. “Can you do that?”

She was crying as she spoke and he knew she didn't want to say this but she felt that she had to, because who else would tell him what he needed to hear if not her?

He still wanted to respond with anger. How could she talk about that? Mike wasn't going to die! That wasn't going to happen.

“He isn’t going to die. And I’m not okay with it.” He said forcefully but slowly.

“I know Harvey, but at what point will it be too much? When will it just turn to cruelty to have him continue fighting a losing battle?”

“Never! Never, Donna, if he makes it, it will be worth it!”

“If!”

Harvey stopped. He was breathing hard and prepared to yell, but stopped himself because of Mike that was laying there next to him. He came over to her and brought her to the end of the room. What was the point with yelling at Donna? There was no point. And what had he said? He hadn’t meant to say if. He hadn’t wanted to say if.

“I…I didn’t mean to say that.” He said. “I’m sorry.” Tears gathered in his eyes again and he tried to blink them away.

Donna came up to him and hugged him then.

“I’m sorry too, Harvey. I’m so sorry.”

He hugged her back and shed a few more tears before he got hold of himself again.

“I’m not okay with it.” He said again.

“I know. I’m not okay with it either. But we need to do what it takes for Mike. We need to show him that we know that he is doing his absolute best and that we won’t blame him if this illness is too much for him.”

“I’ll never blame him.”

“Mike doesn’t know that.”

Harvey didn’t know what to say.

“Just because you talk to him doesn’t mean that he will give up Harvey, Mike doesn’t want to die. But he needs to know that you are with him no matter what.”  
Harvey looked towards Mike again as he swallowed hard and nodded.

“I’ll talk to him.” He said quietly. “I will.”

“I know.” She smiled sadly. “I’ll give you some time alone with him. I called the others earlier. They are in the waiting area. I’ll go and tell them about what happened.”

He nodded and lightly squeezed her shoulder and watched her leave. The others were here. It made him feel better. Donna had called hours ago and they were still here, just waiting to get news about Mike.

He looked over to the bed. Mike looked so small, young. He wasn’t that old after all. He hadn’t achieved everything he was meant to yet. He didn’t deserve this.  
Harvey walked over and sat down next to the kid again. Donna was right. Mike needed to know that Harvey stood by him.

”Hi Mike.” No answer. Of course. He took another deep breath.

”I don’t know if you can hear me or not. This just feel stupid. Talking to you when you’re not awake. You should just wake up by the way. Then we wouldn’t have to do this. I need you to wake up Mike.”

Nothing changed, Mike remained the same and the only sound in the room came from the machines that were making sure that Mike kept breathing and kept him alive.

“I need you Mike. I need you to fight.” He lowered his voice. “You know, you are not allowed to ditch me kid. Because…because Mike, I don’t want to go on without you. You have no idea how much you mean to me.” He swallowed.

“I don’t think I know how to do anything without you now. Mike…”

He had to pause for a while.

“You are the strongest, kindest person I know. You deserve to live your life. Just pull through this and I’ll be right here. I’ll always be right here for you. I hope you know that by now.”

He paused again.

“I think you do.”

He watched Mike’s pale face, and took Mike’s slack hand in his remembering a doctor that told him that handholding had a positive effect.

“You know, I believe you can beat this. I do. This is just one other thing that you will have to fight through.”

He sighed, suddenly wanting the seriousness in what he was saying gone.

”You know this is actually easier to do when you’re asleep. This way you can’t make fun of me. At least we are past this whole me not caring phase. I guess you made me a better person, kid. I like who I am now, because of you.”

He rubbed his eyes a bit. “I’m not going to say good bye to you Mike. They think I should, they all do but I won’t, because I know that you’ll make it.”

He paused for a while, stroking Mike’s hand slowly with his thumb. “I’m here Mike. I know you are doing your best. You always have. I know that.”

He nodded a little towards the kid. He got no reaction, but he had said what he needed to. Now it was time for waiting.

It was all still the same an hour later. The sounds from the machines, the faint noises from the hall. It was like time stood still. Harvey didn’t know how long he sat like this. He spoke a bit more, assured Mike that he was there. Told him to fight. To hold on. Nurses and doctors came and went. Donna was there. Louis, Jessica and Rachel stopped by. Harvey stayed where he was. One of the doctors wanted him to leave though as they did some test but he didn’t and they didn’t fight him over it.  
Harvey had been awake for way to long now. Just as Mike had been asleep way too long. Why couldn’t he just wake up? He should wake up and be annoyed about the tube in his throat. He should wake up and complain over having to stay at the hospital again. That was how it was supposed to be, but wasn’t. But Mike was still alive and being unconscious like that at least meant that he wasn’t getting worse.

Donna managed to convince Harvey to get some sleep in the early morning hours. She assured him that she would wake him up if Mike so much as twitched. If he hadn’t been so god damn tired he would have refused her suggestion. Now he slept restlessly for about three hours before he woke up and remembered the situation and then just couldn’t fall back asleep. He groggily sat up from the small cot he had been sleeping on and saw that Donna had turned towards him.

“How is he?” He asked and rubbed his face. He felt a headache coming on.

“He is the same.” Donna quietly said. “However the nurse that just left said that it’s a good sign that he has been holding on for this long and that nothing else has happened with his heart.”

Harvey nodded and came to take a seat next to the bed. He leaned his elbows towards Mike’s bed and watched Mike. His skin color was almost gray. They waited.

A lot of things were going on in Harvey’s mind as he sat there opposite of Donna. She had apparently decided to stay until Mike woke up. Harvey was grateful for her company. He was satisfied with sitting there listening to Donna quietly speak to Mike. He felt so tense and all he wished for was that Mike would be okay and that he would just make it. He had made a choice earlier when he spoke with Mike. He needed it to be the right one, because if it wasn’t he would never forgive himself and he would never be okay again. He just knew it.

They spent almost six hours like that, before anything happened. Donna had gotten some sleep on the couch as well. Mike doctors had been there two times to check on him.

Harvey’s heart flew up in his throat when Mike suddenly weakly coughed. The next minute happened very fast as Mike’s machines triggered some kind of alarm and the room was flooded with medical personal. Harvey and Donna were determinedly ordered out of the room, and they had no choice but to do so.

Donna was shaking were she stood next to Harvey. He didn’t know if he was doing the same. When the door opened again and they were allowed inside the room again they were told that Mike was not in pain and was back to sleep. His heart was okay as well.

“It looks like he is going to make it past this episode.” The doctor smiled. “He is strong.”

Harvey just nodded.

“Is he going to be okay?” Donna shakily asked.

“He is still in critical condition and we are going to monitor him closely. Anything can still happen at any time, but it looks like he has taken a turn for the better for now. He is able to breath on his own.”

The doctor left and Harvey stumbled back towards the wall. His head was spinning.

“Harvey?” Donna was saying in front of him. He saw that she came closer but she was fading. Things were becoming darker as he passed out.

-SUITS-


	50. Chapter 50

Harvey blinked his eyes open slowly. For a moment he had no idea where he was and his mind was blank. What had happened? Where the hell was he?

He was laying on a bed in a hospital room he realized in the next few second. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked around the room. It was small, simple and empty. Harvey groaned a little and fell back down on to the bed and tried to remember why he was here.

Mike!

Where was Mike? He had to find out right now! The last thing he could remember sitting next to Mike on a ventilator then being forced to step out of the room. But Mike was alright? Wasn’t he?

He sat up and felt his head spin a little, he was tired as well but other than that he felt fine. He didn’t have time to get of the bed before the door opened.

“Harvey! What are you doing?” Donna had two cups of coffee in her hands and put them down on the little table next to the bed.

“Donna, where is Mike?”

“Take it easy Harvey, calm down. You just passed out.”

“I noticed. Mike?”

She nodded a little and smiled. “Mike is doing alright. I went to see him. He is sedated but is breathing on his own. They are keeping him under close watch. You don’t have to worry right now.”

Harvey nodded. “So he is fine.” He mumbled. “He is fine.”

“How are you doing Harvey?” Donna asked and put her hand on his shoulder.

“I’m fine Donna.” Harvey swallowed.

“You fainted. You are not fine.”

“I don’t know what to say, Donna. I feel better now.”

She patiently waited for him to continue.

“You know why I fainted.” He eventually admitted. “I haven’t been sleeping or eating properly, I…I worried about him dying. When they said that he wouldn’t die today it just… I don’t know. I was relieved.”

“I know Harvey. But you need to take care of yourself as well. We both do.” She looked like she wanted to continue but for some reason she didn’t. Instead she reached over and took one of the cups and handed it to him.

“Drink this while I go and get you something to eat. Then you are going to see a doctor and after that we can go to Mike.”

Harvey chose to agree to that. She had said that Mike was sedated and looked after. The first sip of coffee felt amazing and the sandwich Donna brought back to him did wonders to his mood. He felt a lot better after that. Almost normal.

He met a doctor who basically repeated the same thing that Donna had said, just a bit more extensive. She also pushed on the matter that if he didn’t take care of himself he wouldn’t be able to take care of Mike. Harvey knew that they were both right, because what if something happened with Mike and he wouldn't be able to help him? That couldn't happen.

 Mike was looking a little bit better than before, but not by much. That he was off the ventilator improved his appearance a lot. He was still connected to more wires than Harvey had the energy to count.

Donna sighed sadly next to Harvey. “Do you think he is cold?” She asked quietly.

Mike wasn't wearing anything on his upper body, leaving all the wires in plain sight. Maybe the reason for him being shirtless was so that they would be able to act quickly without any fabric in the way if something were to happen. Harvey thought a bit about what Mike would have said if he would have been able to see himself like this. Probably something on the lines with _I look like shit!_ Because he did. He looked really bad, his skin a sickly almost grey color, except for below his eyes, where he had dark rings that almost made it look like he had been punched. He looked so ill. He looked like he was dying.

That made something to Harvey. It filled him with despair, anger and dread. It was almost too much. He just stood there watching the kid until Donna asked him if he was okay. He just shook his head at her and sat down heavily on the chair next to the bed.

The waiting that Harvey by now felt familiar with began after that. Harvey stayed as long as he could but went home to sleep some while Donna stayed at the hospital. Rachel was also there as well as Louis. When Harvey was there alone during the next day Jessica stopped by. She sat with them for an hour before departing again.

Harvey was sitting there watching Mike as he breathed. In and out. He was still sedated but his doctors had been talking about trying to wake him up soon. From what Harvey could understand Mike was doing a little better, he was more stable and they thought that he would be able to handle being awake. Only those words left an uncomfortable feeling with Harvey. Sometimes it felt like he had a hard time really understanding what was happening, that Mike was so sick that doctors didn’t think that he could handle being awake. They told him other things as well, the reasons for why they didn’t want Mike awake, the stress it might put on his heart.

However Mike was doing a bit better and it was time for him to be awake. Harvey longed for it. He just wanted to hear Mike’s voice again, look into his eyes, see him in any other position than this one that he was in now. It had been three days of this now. It felt like it was weeks ago since he had been forced to do compressions on Mike’s still chest. Someone had told him that Mike now supported three cracked ribs. That someone had also told Harvey that he had saved Mike’s life. _Or prolonged it_. The thought flew through his head so fast that he hadn’t been prepared for. He did his best to push it away.

He felt almost a little dizzy. He should take a break. He needed something in his stomach, but somehow he didn’t have it in him to move from his seat. Mike was the same, but still Harvey couldn’t move. He couldn’t leave Mike alone. He knew that the younger man was closely monitored and deemed stable, but he still couldn’t do it. Because what if Mike chose the moment he was away to wake up? He would wake up and be alone and Harvey couldn’t have that. So he stayed where he was.

Donna thankfully came by a few hours later and sent Harvey away to get something to eat. When he got back they stayed with Mike together. They were talking quietly when they started to notice a change in Mike. He was waking up!

Both Donna and Harvey leaned forward with encouragements as Mike’s eyes fluttered opened. He made a low moaning sound causing Donna to grab his hand in hers. She shushed him, but it didn’t seem to help. He couldn’t hear them and Harvey pushed the call button.

Mike was breathing deeply and his eyes were half opened by now but it was like he wasn’t really there. His empty gaze were fixed straight ahead. Before a nurse entered the room Mike had passed out again. She checked him over and got a doctor to come an examine Mike, after that they changed his medication a bit and said that Mike was going to be sleeping until the next morning. Harvey and Donna could come back then.

_-SUITS-_

Was he even awake? He could hear sounds around him like faint whispers, they were there, he was pretty sure someone was talking but he just couldn’t make out what they were saying. Almost like he was under water which was a scary thought.

He felt so heavy, which contradicted the underwater feeling but it was like the air itself around him had gotten dense and was pressing down on him, keeping him from moving or even breathing the way he wanted, or needed. He wished it gone, it scared him. He tried to make a sound but it didn’t work. He couldn’t get it out and he barely had the energy to try again. What was going on with him? He had no idea. What was happening?  

He needed to open his eyes to find out. After trying for a minute he managed to open them a little. Everything were held in a white blur. He could distinguish shapes, people. They came closer to him. He felt pressure around one of his hands. They talked but he couldn’t make out the words. He didn’t know who it was. He was so tired.

Mike didn’t notice that he had passed out again. He just knew that some time had passed because the room was brighter than it had been before, at least he thought it was. He felt so confused, he wasn’t even sure about where he was. Although he found that he didn’t care all that much about that. He had a feeling that he probably should care but he was just too tired to care.

Someone was speaking next to him now. He wasn’t really sure about what they were saying though. He fought to keep his eyes open, they felt so dry that it was almost painful. Everything about his body felt heavy. He tried licking his lips but even that was a task that proved to be too much for him. Suddenly something really cold touch his lips. It surprised him. The next thing that happened were that his lips gently were forced opened and that cold thing was pushed inside his mouth. He realized that it was ice and that it felt really good. His mouth had been really dry.  

Somehow that ice helped more than his dry mouth and he soon felt a little clearer, a little more awake. He tried to focus more on what was going on around him. He blinked and tried to force his eyes more open but wasn’t as successful as he would have liked. It had to do though. Someone was there next to him, he knew that much. The ice hadn’t just flown into his mouth. At the moment he didn’t care about who it was though, he didn’t care about much at all.

After a while he was able to distinguish more of what was said to him. The person was still talking. They were saying his name a lot, they wanted him to look at them. He wasn’t sure if he was able to do that, to turn his head that much. His eyes strained as he tried to glance sideways towards the voice. Then a shadow swam into his line of sight and Mike saw that it was Harvey. Harvey was there, he had been the one that was talking. Mike tried to smile because seeing Harvey made him feel good. He couldn’t get his face to cooperate though. Why was that?

He tried to speak but couldn’t force his throat to form any words. He didn’t like that very much. He tried again. It was like he didn’t have the energy to force up enough air in his throat to make sounds. Why was he so tired? He should really try to find out why that was.

What had happened?

Harvey was still talking next to him, Mike had zooned him out for a second and hadn’t listened while he had tried to speak. Harvey was telling him to calm down. But he was calm, wasn’t he?

Maybe he wasn’t? He didn’t like this anymore. He wanted to be able to move, to talk, and to turn his damn head so that he could look at Harvey when he was talking. He decided to try harder to move. He tensed his whole body and willed it to do what he asked of it. It didn’t work but something close to him started to make a shrill sound again and again. He wanted it to stop. Someone touched his arm, someone else spoke. But then a strange feeling rushed through him and he felt himself relax. It felt good. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feeling it brought him.

The next time Mike woke up wasn’t like the first at all. This time he felt more present, more aware and more in pain. Also he had something in his throat at least that was what it felt like because he needed to cough. So he did and it was awful and he just couldn’t stop. There were commotion around him but it wasn’t something he paid attention to because he was coughing so much. It hurt a lot and he couldn’t breathe.

Someone hauled him upright and carefully hit his back. Hands where holding him, over his chest and around his head. At first he fought the grip until he realized that they were there to keep him upright. He also had other problems, like not being able to breathe. He was almost starting to panic when it finally stopped. He hang limp in Harvey’s hold, because he had realized that Harvey was the one that was practically hugging him. At least one doctor and a nurse where standing close to them.

“That’s it Mike, just try and breathe normally. You are doing great.” The nurse said.

“You are alright now.” Harvey murmured close to his ear. Then he was lowered down to the bed again and Harvey stepped to the side and joined Donna. The woman was smiling widely with teary eyes at him. He locked eyes with her for a second and she whispered his name.

He got to drink a few sips of water to clear his throat and then they wanted to examine him. He tried to speak but his voice was raspy and it almost hurt to talk so they told him not to try. Instead he was ordered to squeeze the nurse’s hand as a way of answer their questions.

“Are you in any pain?”

One squeeze for yes.

“Anywhere else then in your chest?”

Two squeezes for no.

They asked him about his breathing, ability to move, if he was aware of where he was, if he recognized Harvey and Donna. Harvey had looked both pale and worried as Mike glanced over at them at that question. One squeeze.

“Yes, he recognizes them.” The nurse translated for him, and Harvey smiled and nodded at him.

They told him what happened next, but not very detailed. They said that his heart had had an incident and Mike wanted to curse at them. Incident! He knew it was more to it. He knew that after one glance at Harvey and Donna. Donna was dressed in jeans and a sweater with her hair in a messy ponytail and Harvey’s hair was dishelved. They both looked tired.

There was a lot of talking going on and Mike did his best in trying to listen. He had to take it easy, sleep and rest was the only thing that he needed to do. He got something against the pain and was told to rest and they would talk more to him later.

When the doctor left Donna and Harvey came up to him. Tears were streaming down Donnas face even though she was smiling at him.

“Hi sweetie.” She whispered and leaned over him and carefully hugged him before reluctantly stepping aside to allow Harvey to greet him.

“Hi kid. It’s good to see you awake.” Harvey got out, his voice broke a little, and Mike watched him closely. Harvey grabbed on to his hand and squeezed it hard.

“Hi…” Mike whispered, thrilled that he was able to get some words out.  He didn’t know what else to say though. He wanted to ask them what had happened. He couldn’t really remember how he ended up here.

Harvey didn’t release his grip of his hand and Mike felt a bit worried about that.

“You scared us a little. You did well though. I’m so proud of you Mike.” Harvey said.

“What?” Mike got out. The smile on Harvey’s face looked fake.

Harvey shook his head. “What’s important is that you are awake and doing better now.”

Mike felt a bit worried, he was tired. What was Harvey talking about, awake?

“Are you still in pain?” Donna asked and Mike shook his head. He felt kind of numb. The drugs had done its job.

Harvey and Donna sat down next to each other on the side of his bed. Harvey was still holding Mike’s hand and Donna leaned forward towards him and was stroking his forehead lightly with one hand and had the other at his shoulder. It felt really good to have them there like there. Donna’s touches were soothing.

“You can sleep if you want.” Harvey told him. “You look tired.”

Mike smiled at this. He was so tired and if Harvey said it was okay to sleep then he would.

He woke up again from pain in his chest. It hurt with every breath he took. He moaned and brought his hand up to do what he didn’t know, but it was terrible. He didn’t want to breathe like this.

“Are you alright? Are you in pain?” Harvey spoke next to him. “I’ll just page someone for you.” He felt a little better after the nurse had left.

“Your doctor was here earlier but you were sleeping.” Harvey told him. “Donna went home to sleep some too. She will be back tomorrow again.”

“What…time…is…” Mike asked. Or started to ask. Harvey understood though.

“About eight thirty. It’s about six hours since you woke up the last time.”

“Oh.” Mike rasped. He barely had a voice. At least he felt a little better now. A little more alert. He was ready to get some answers.

“What happened?” he asked and looked up at Harvey, who seemed to hesitate.

“It was pretty bad Mike.” He then said.

“What?”

“You are fine now.” Harvey started. “But you weren’t earlier Mike.”

“Tell me.”

“I don’t know if that is such a good idea Mike.” Harvey said.

“Tell me.” Mike repeated. He wanted to know what was going on, why Harvey had that look on his face and why Harvey and Donna had looked the way they did the last time he was awake.

“It was your heart Mike.” Harvey said and Mike managed to raise his eyebrows at him, not that he had much of those, but Harvey smirked a bit.

“Yeah, big surprise huh?”

“Did it stop?” Mike whispered and as he asked that feeling he felt a bit of dread start to settle in his stomach.

Harvey looked pained when he answered. “Yes it did.”

Mike didn’t know how to react, but he shouldn’t be that surprised.

“Bad?” He asked.

“Yes. It was.” Harvey said and swallowed. He didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about this at all and Mike really wondered what happened. “We are going to wait for your doctor now.” Harvey said next and so they did.

While they waited Harvey talked about other things. He told Mike that all the others had been over to see him and that he had been out for a few days. He didn’t go in to any details about those days and Mike didn’t ask.

The doctor arrived a bit later. When he saw Mike he smiled widely and put down the files he had been caring and lifted Mike’s hand and shook it with both of his hands.

“It’s good to see you feeling better Mike. Are you in any kind of pain at the moment? No? Good. Now, I have a few things that I would like to talk about.”

Mike nodded and glanced over at Harvey. He looked a bit relieved which surprised Mike a bit.

“Mike, I don’t want you to worry about what I will tell you right now. It’s important that you remain calm at the moment. We are all here to help you with that and you know that you are in good hands here, but it will be hard to hear this.” The doctor started and Mike stared at him. What had happened with him?

“You collapsed in your home Mike since your heart stopped beating.” He doctor looked over towards Harvey before he continued. “Mister Spector here kept you alive until the paramedics got your heart started again, but after that your heart were shocked three more times which left you in a really bad condition as you might realize.”

He stopped a while to make sure Mike was following. Mike nodded jerkily.

“You were left in a very bad condition Mike. Unfortunately it was touch and go for a while, but you fought well and the latest test shows some improvement. We are going to keep you here for a while now to monitor you so you don’t have to worry.” He paused a moment to see if Mike had something to say. He didn’t. He was mortified. He had been shocked at least three times, was it even four? He had been so close to die. He had almost died. This was the reason why Harvey and Donna had looked messed up. Oh god. What was he going to do?

His doctor talked a bit more but Mike wished he would leave. He wanted to freak out now. But maybe he shouldn’t do that. He couldn’t freak out. What if he got a heart attack as a result of it? Shit, he was scared. He had almost died. Again. He didn’t dare to move.

Harvey was there. Harvey was there for him and that was the best news in all of this. Not that it should be any news to him. He and Harvey were a team and Harvey was going to help him. He wanted the doctor gone so that he could reach out to Harvey. He blinked and suddenly a tear trailed down his cheek. It surprised him a little but he did nothing about it. The other men noticed too and the doctor paused and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I know this is hard, but there is still hope.”

“Would you give us a minute?” Harvey interrupted.

“Of course, we are about done here anyway, unless you have any questions Mike?”

Mike shook his head.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then Mike. I’m ending my shift now but Doctor Rosenberg will be here this evening.” He left shortly after that. Before they got to be alone a nurse dropped by for a couple of minutes. By the time she left Mike felt that his emotional state had improved somewhat.

Harvey looked at him and asked if he was okay.

“Not really.” Mike said.

Harvey nodded. “I get that.” He said.

“How bad was it really?” Mike asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

Harvey say down on the chair next to the bed. He leaned forward and watched Mike and shook his head a little.

“It was bad Mike.” he quietly said.

“I know. How bad?”

“What good will it do if I tell…”

“How?” he just needed to know. He didn’t know why, he just had to know. Harvey still hesitated and Mike felt himself tense as he eventually spoke.

“They…they advised us to say goodbye to you.”

“What?” Mike breathed.

“You have to know how bad it looked Mike. You were in a shitty condition and they weren’t sure that you were going to make it through the night. But you did. You are still here. You are still fighting.”

Mike nodded and looked away. He needed to digest this. He really had almost died. He was hit by a thought.

“Did you…did you say goodbye?” he whispered unsure if Harvey heard him or not. He did.

“No.” he said causing Mike to look back at him. “I couldn’t. You know why?”

“No.”

“Because I know you. You weren’t going to die like that, so there was no need for last words, okay. You are doing better Mike. A lot better, so keep doing what you are doing now. Okay?”

“Okay.” He bit his lip as he started straight ahead. He reached out his hand and Harvey took a hold of it without a word.

“Thank you.” Mike said.

_-SUITS-_

They didn’t speak much more that night. Harvey spent a couple of hours on that chair, close to the kid. Mike fell asleep while they still were holding hands. It had taken him a while and he had been laying there all tense for almost an hour. Then he gradually started to relax and fell asleep. Harvey done his best to reassure him.

Harvey relaxed a little himself. The past two days had been exhausting. He had promised himself that he would take better care of himself, but as it was now he had barely slept at all during these couple of days. He had gotten a few hours here and there on a hospital benches or the chair in Mike’s room while Donna were there.

He had been thrilled when Mike woke up and seemed to be somewhat more alert. He had been excited and just so relieved. Mike had made it bit longer. It was scary nonetheless that he barely responded to them. The second time hadn’t been much better since Mike had been in a lot of pain and his face had turned a bluish tone from all that coughing. Harvey had been the one how had been ordered to lift Mike up in an upright position and help him expel whatever that caused him to cough like that.

Mike had been able to talk after that. It was strange to be so happy about that the kid was able to form short sentences. Harvey had felt so damn helpless when Mike hadn’t been able to speak to them. This whole experience was scary and he just wanted it to be over. He wanted to be able to bring Mike home again, but that was probably not happening in the near future. Mike’s doctors had spoken to them and said that Mike still was in a very bad condition. Anything could happen at any time they had said. That was not reassuring at all. Mike needed to stay as calm as possible and rest to give his heart some time to recover from the episode a few days ago.

He hadn’t wanted to tell Mike about what had happened, but at the same time it felt wrong to withhold stuff from Mike, so he had told him what he had wanted to know. He could imagine how terrible it must have been for Mike to hear all of that. It was terrible for Harvey as well. He was in a state of constant worry and even if it lessened somewhat now when Mike was awake and aware of what was going on it was still there. It would probably always be there from now on.

He should give Jessica a call. She had wanted him to let her know what was going on with Mike. She had said she wanted to know the second anything with Mike changed. Sometimes he thought about what Jessica thought with all of this. She hadn’t been too fond of Mike before and even if she was really good and considerate of Mike now, Harvey wasn’t sure if she would grieve as much as the rest of them if Mike were not to make it. Mike did cause her a lot of trouble. Earlier it was the whole thing with him not being a real lawyer and now he was the reason Harvey was barely at work. But she hadn’t said anything at all about that so Harvey knew that they were good. And that was all work-related, Harvey knew that Jessica liked the person Mike was and never would wish him any harm.

She answered on the second signal.

“ _Hi Harvey. Any news_?” She asked and he told her what had happened. They talked for a while and she reminded him to take care of himself as well.

“How did you know?” He asked.

“ _Do you have to ask_?”

“Donna told you I passed out, didn’t she?”

“ _She did_.”

He promised her that he would head home and get some real sleep as soon as Mike was more stable and Jessica said that she would let the others at the firm know that Mike was still alive.

Harvey decided to try and sleep some himself.

He was woken up by a nurse that carefully shook his shoulder. He still got alarmed and almost pushed her out of the way to be able to see Mike. His heart sank a bit when he did. Mike had his face turned towards him and he looked devastated, he had tears in his eyes and a hand clasped over his chest.

“Hey, are you okay? Are you in pain?” Harvey rushed over to him

Mike just let out a weak sob and Harvey turned against the nurse.

“He just got some to relieve the pain. He was trying to wake you up but couldn’t so he paged me.” She explained.

“Oh. Okay. Thanks.” Harvey said and turned back to Mike feeling like crap. “I’m a wake now.” He said totally unnecessary. He laid his hand over Mike’s. He could feel how Mike’s chest was moving rapidly up and down.

“It’s okay now. Just calm down. Try and calm down. Deep breaths.”

Mike nodded a little and tried to do what Harvey told him.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Harvey asked and watched how Mike shook his head. 

“Okay. What was it then?”

Mike wouldn’t meet his eyes now. He bit his lip.

“Were you scared?” Harvey quietly asked. And Mike nodded, still trying to get his breaths under control.

“That’s okay.” Harvey said. “Sorry I was asleep.”

Mike shook his head. “I just couldn’t wake you.” He mumbled. “I just…I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah, about what?”

Mike’s eyes flickered around everywhere but to Harvey’s eyes.

“You were thinking about what happened?” Harvey tried. Mike nodded. “Yeah, I do that a lot too.”

Mike’s eyes started to fill with tears again and his hand was shaking a bit.

“How are you feeling?” Harvey asked him. “What are you thinking about?”

“I don’t know.” Mike shakily answered and moved his hand so that he could on to Harvey’s.

Harvey shushed him and told him not to worry. Mike fell asleep like that.

They got the opportunity to talk some more the next day. Mike was taken for a few tests and scans early in the morning and he seemed a bit more alert when he was wheeled back into his room where Harvey was waiting for him.

“Hi.” He greeted Harvey when they were alone in the room.

“Hi.” Harvey said. “Are you doing better?”

Mike just rolled his eyes a bit. He seemed to have trouble to keep his eyes more than half open.

“Donna is on her way with breakfast.” Harvey told him.

“I can’t eat.” Mike mumbled.

“Well, it’s not for you. It’s for me.” Harvey told him and smirked as Mike rolled his eyes again.

“Seriously though Mike. How are you feeling?”

“I can’t move.” Mike said. “It’s difficult to just talk… or it feels like… I have to work to do it.”

“Yeah…” Harvey pursed his lips in sympathy for the kid. “You are not in pain then are you?”

“No…”

“That’s good. And it’s not that strange that you are that tired. You have been through a lot the last few days.”

“Mmm…” Mike’s eyes were closed now.

“Are you sleeping?”

“Mmm…”

It was Harvey’s turn to roll his eyes. All the kid did was to sleep. He would like to do some of that as well. His back ached from a night spent in that damn chair.

Donna came over and they had lunch. He felt a bit better with something in his stomach. She was a bit sad that Mike was sleeping, because she could only stay for about an hour. She was still managing everything at the firm for Harvey.

“I want you to know that I’m grateful Donna for what you are doing.” Harvey said out of impulse. She looked away from Mike in surprise.

“Thank you Harvey.”

“I know you are dealing with a lot. Everything at the office with me not being there and you are taking care of both me and Mike.”

“Of course I do. And I’m happy to do it Harvey. You know that. Mike needs you here, so I’m making sure you are not needed elsewhere.”

“Thank you.”

She shook her head a little at him. “Speaking of taking care of you. You look like absolute crap. You are going home for a couple of hours after lunch. I’ll stay here with Mike. You need to eat something other than sandwiches, you need a shower and you need some sleep in a bed.”

“Donna, I’m fine. Mike...”

“Mike will be fine with me here. We are not repeating what happened the other day.”

“It won’t happen again, but I don’t…”

“You are going.”

Harvey didn’t answer. She had won.

Donna had to leave before Mike woke up, much to her dismay. But she would be back in about four hours. It gave Harvey time to prepare Mike for his departure. He didn’t want to leave Mike, but the kid would understand, right?

He told Mike when he woke up an hour later. Mike did not look happy and didn’t want to talk about it. He just said okay and changed the subject. However Harvey knew he didn’t take it lightly and about ten minutes before Donna were set to arrive Mike brought it up.

“So do you really have to leave?” He asked. His speech were still slow and left him a bit breathless when he said longer sentences.

“It’s just for a few hours.”

“Yes. You said that.”

“You will be fine.”

”It’s just… I was just thinking... They said that I might not have long, and I was just thinking that maybe you could stay with me anyway?”

Harvey cursed inwardly.

“Mike, you know nothing is for sure yet.”

“I know, but…” Mike’s head rolled away from him.

”I told you that you don’t have to worry. And Donna will be here with you at all times, or a nurse. I’ve talked to them…”

Mike didn’t look at him.

“How can you know that nothing will happen?” He said.

Harvey hesitated. He didn’t want to answer this, because he knew just as much as Mike that he couldn’t know.

“You won’t be alone and I will be back later.” He repeated instead.

Mike nodded a little, still not looking up. He didn’t speak and Harvey just wished that he would. That he would say something along the line of that he would be fine here without Harvey around for a couple of hours, but by the look of him it didn’t look like Mike was fine with it at all. He looked incredibly sad as well as totally exhausted. He blinked so slowly that Harvey almost thought that he was too tired to even do that properly.

“Donna will be here at any minute.” He said to fill the silence. “She will stay with you for a couple of hours and then I will be back.”

“But… but Harvey…” he didn’t finish that sentence. Harvey felt like shit. Like he was betraying Mike. But he wasn’t. He was just going to go home and change clothes. Mike would be fine.

“I’ll come back as soon as I can. I just have to do this Mike. I’m exhausted.” He confessed and watched Mike for his reaction.

Mike met his eyes now. He nodded. “Yeah, okay.” He said weakly.

He still jerked and tensed when Donna walked into the room two minutes later. He didn’t say anything though, barely said hi to Donna.

“I’ll be back soon.” Harvey said and squeezed Mike’s hand. “I promise.”

Mike nodded a little.

“We’ll be fine.” Donna said and sat down in Harvey’s vacant chair. She waved Harvey out of the room and Harvey left.

In the cab on his way home he did his best not to feel guilty for going home. He needed a little break. Mike was going to be okay.

_-SUITS-_

It was hard to watch Harvey go without saying anything. In fact he wanted to scream and rage at the older man for leaving him like that. He didn’t care if Harvey needed to sleep, he didn’t care at all. Harvey should be with him nowhere else. Harvey had promised to be by his side and Mike wanted him here now! Sure Donna was great but he wanted Harvey. Harvey had saved his life twice now. Harvey could save him again. He didn’t trust that Donna would be as capable. And besides, he was scared, he was freaking out and he wanted Harvey here to keep him company and to keep him calm. He felt calm when Harvey was around. He felt safe. And at this moment he wanted to feel safe because he had almost died only a few days ago and he was still at risk.

Harvey apparently thought that he would be fine. So what if he died a little a few days ago?

“Mike?” Donna interrupted his thoughts. She stroke his arm. “Are you doing okay?”

“He said that he was going to be here for me. And now he left.”

She smiled sadly at him and nodded. She seemed to think over what she would answer him.

“Harvey has been here for you Mike.” she started and held up a hand when he wanted to interrupt her. “He has been so worried. We all have, but it is the worst for Harvey. You know how much he cares for you and to see you like this, to have to do what he did…” she trailed off.

“What did he do?”

“He kept you alive when your heart gave out, and he has barely left your side since that happened. Except for when he passed out.” She locked eyes with him as she said that. Mike eyes widened.

“What? He passed out? Is he okay?” he worriedly asked.

“He is fine, he just needs to take care of himself a bit better.”

“What happened?”

“He barely slept when we waited for news about you, and when we were told you were going to make it he passed out.”

Mike stared at her. Harvey had passed out? Because of him?

“I…I didn’t… I didn’t know.”

“Oh sweetie, of course you didn’t. Harvey would never tell you that, and you know that if Harvey got to decide he would live in here with you. And Mike, it’s not your fault, never think that.”

“Okay.” He said, but that was easier said than done. Was he being selfish when he wanted Harvey’s company at all times? He understood now, Harvey couldn’t be here all the time. Of course he couldn’t, Harvey would get exhausted, maybe even sick. He couldn’t believe that Harvey had actually passed out because of him. Or because of not taking care of himself because he was too worried about Mike. But Mike was the one that was dying from heart cancer not Harvey. So what if Harvey got tired, he would get over it. He could sleep when Mike was gone. Until that happened, why couldn’t he just stay with him?

He didn’t want to have to care about how Harvey was feeling. He didn’t think he had room for that inside of him right now. But maybe he couldn’t demand that Harvey was there all the time. He should just be happy when he was there. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to have to think about this.

“Tell me something.” He begged Donna. She looked surprised.

“Tell you what?”

“Anything. I don’t want to think.”

“Oh sweetie.” But she started to tell him about the latest play she had seen. Mike had read the script of the play in high school, so he knew the whole story, but he didn’t tell Donna that, he just laid there and listened to her voice as he tried to fall asleep.

He felt worse when he woke up again. He felt queasy and was in pain. Harvey still wasn’t there and he felt like crying. What if he never returned again? What if he had decided that it was too much for him to watch Mike like this?

He told the nurse that was there to check some of the machines that he was feeling sick and she promised to try and help with that, but all she did was to return with something for him to throw up in.

He threw up about twenty minutes later and was miserable. He hadn’t been able to lift his head enough and a lot of it had ended up running down his neck. They had to change both his gown and the sheets. It was so humiliating to lay there while two women, that looked younger than he was, changed his clothes and cleaned him up.

He actually wished he could be alone after they were done and had left, or at least that Donna could go and sit in the corner or something so that he could break down in peace. But she didn’t do that she was there and tried to make him feel better and wiped his tears that appeared without his consent. And Harvey still wasn’t there. He didn’t care about Mike anymore. He wanted to ask Donna if he was going to be there soon or not, but maybe she got annoyed with him then. She apparently wanted Harvey at home so that he could rest.

Donna tried her best to help him, he knew she did, and he pretended that he felt better. He even managed to smile at her a little.

He had a visit from a few doctors as well while Harvey was gone. They checked him over, adjusted his medication, asked questions and listened to his heart. They said that they were waiting for the test results but that they were carefully optimistic at this point.  They said other things as well that Mike didn’t want to listen to. Explained technical details about his heart.

"Harvey texted me. He will be here in about forty minutes. He just called Ray.” Donna said as the medical personal left the room.

When Harvey stepped into the room Mike felt like that was the best moment of his entire day. He smiled happily and stretched out his hand towards Harvey who took it and squeezed it.

“Hey, I see you are still alive.” Harvey smirked.

“Harvey!” Donna hit him a little. “That’s not funny.” But Mike chuckled a little and held on harder on Harvey’s hand. Harvey watched him closer.

“You good?” He asked as he sat down. Mike shrugged a little, and glared at Donna when she told Harvey that he had been sick earlier.

“Did you get some sleep?” Donna asked Harvey and it was his turn to shrug.

“A little.”

“Harvey…”

“Donna…” the other’s looked at each other and Mike couldn’t help but smile at them. He felt more relaxed now. Maybe it was time for a nap.

Donna had left when he woke up again from a nurse pulling a little on his gown. She smiled apologetically. 

“You slept for three hours. She got tired of waiting.” Harvey said with a smile. “She told you to have a good night and to give you a kiss. That’s not going to happen though.”

“Is she going to come back?” Mike wanted to know.

“Of course she is.” Harvey said but didn’t specify when.

“What about you?” Mike asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Will you leave too?”

“Why would you think that?”

Mike shrugged but Harvey would let him off the hook. “Mike? Why would you think that I would leave you?”

“I don’t know.” He weakly said. He didn’t like the turn this conversation had taken.

“No, I think we need to talk about this.” Harvey said. “Obviously this is a big deal to you. We always come back to this.”

Mike didn’t know what to answer. He didn’t feel up for defending himself, or explaining himself to Harvey. Surely he knew what Mike’s problem was? He didn’t want to die alone. How hard was that to get?

“Look, I’m sorry I left earlier okay. I’m really sorry about that Mike. I feel really guilty about not being here when you were sick and all, but Donna was here. You weren’t alone.”

“Oh…” Mike sighed when he understand Harvey’s point of view.

“Just talk to me, kid.” Harvey said.

“So you are not going to leave me alone right? I know it’s a lot but not like this, not now.”

“Absolutely not. We won’t leave you at all. In fact you will probably never be left alone ever again.”

Mike had a feeling that Harvey was trying making a joke, but it wasn’t funny at the moment. And Harvey had said we. He said that _we_ wouldn’t leave him alone, not _I_.

“It’s just…” He paused. He didn’t know how to continue. Why did everything have to be so hard all of a sudden?

“Just what Mike?” Harvey said. “You can tell me.”

“I’m scared.” He breathed then, because he really, really was. He almost felt like he didn’t want to move out of fright that it would upset his heart somehow. He had been told that he needed to stay calm. They had implied that if he got upset or something his heart would be stressed and bad things might happen. That was incredibly stressful and left him stressed and scared about getting stressed.

“Okay…” Harvey said slowly.

”I’m scared of dying…without you here.”

“Mike…”

“So I guess what I’m asking is if you just could stay, in case that happens.”

“I can do that.”

“It just that if I die, I want you to be there.” He quieted and looked at Harvey.

Harvey held out a hand that he placed along Mike’s face.

“I will be here.” He whispered. ”I’m going to be here if that were to happen Mike. And you know, if I thought that there was a possibility that it was going to happen I would never leave you.”

Mike nodded.

“I have sort of accepted that it might happen, or that it is likely to happen, but I don’t to fear it like I do now. But if you are there with me then…” He didn’t want to finish, besides Harvey looked like he got it because he nodded.

“I don’t want you to be scared Mike. That kills me to know that you are. I want you to tell me whenever you are and I will do whatever I can to make you feel better.”

“I will.”

“That’s good.”

Mike took a deep breath and exhaled. He actually felt a bit better. Harvey was so great. He told Harvey that.

”Are you on morphine again?” Harvey smirked. “You are great too kid.” He then said. “Mind if we watch some TV?”

And they did. Mike felt relaxed and almost happy. He didn’t feel like he was dying anymore. He felt pretty good. Just from that one conversation he had with Harvey. The older man joked and commentated on the show they were watching and when Mike was about to fall asleep Harvey nudged him and told him to “Check this throw out!” It was something about baseball.

“Are you going to sleep as well?” Mike asked as his last doctor’s appointment for the evening was done with.

“Yeah sure.” Harvey said absentmindedly, he had his phone in his hands.

“You better, we wouldn't want you to pass out again.”

Mike smirked as Harvey almost dropped his phone.

“What? Who told you that?”

“You need to take it easy Harvey. You're not so young anymore.”

“Oh shut up! Who are you to talk about passing out? I distinctively remember that time when you face planted on the doorstep.”

“Yeah, alright. You win.” Mike groaned.

“No, you win. In fainting.”

Mike glared at his boss and chose to say nothing. He didn’t have any nightmares that night and slept without disturbances the entire night, well except for being woken up twice by his night nurse that wanted some blood from him among other things. Harvey had managed to get himself a small cot put into Mike’s room so that he was able to sleep quite comfortably as well.

A couple of more days past without anything happening to him. Mike gradually started to feel a little better. His breathing improved as well as his body strength. After three days he was able to sit up without any support. The test results had been rather positive considering what had happened to him. His doctors were still concerned and wasn’t really prepared to let him go home just yet but they told him to give it a few more days, then maybe they would let him leave. If he followed all of their rules that was. He was kept under close watch as it was now, with several checkups, tests and doctors visits each day.

Eating turned out to be a problem for him yet again. They wanted him to be able to eat satisfyingly before he left but his body did not agree with that. The first time he tried some yoghurt he got violently ill about thirty minutes later. It was not pleasant.

He was still very tired all the time and could only stay awake a couple of hours before needing a nap. Getting out of bed was out of the question. He wasn’t able to walk at all. That was a bit scary, so he tried not to think about it too much.

His treatment was put on hold for now since they didn’t think he would be able to handle it at this point. He was also not allowed more than two visitors at the time, since it might be too stressful for him. Mike didn’t care as long as Harvey was there.

Sometime he felt embarrassed about needing Harvey this much, but mostly he tried to ignore that as well. Harvey hadn’t said anything about it, instead he was very supportive and stayed with him almost all the time. Someone was always there with him, even when he slept. If Harvey had to go home or something he always made sure that either Donna or sometimes Rachel kept him company. Once when he woke up from a nap Jessica was sitting in a corner reading one of Harvey’s old magazines.

“Oh, you are awake. Are you alright? Can I get you something?” She said when he coughed a little, mostly to let her know that he was awake. He wanted to know what she was doing there but didn’t want to sound rude, so he just shook his head.

“Harvey had to head into the office for a while, so I’m just here until he comes back.” She explained.

“Oh, okay.” Mike said. “Thanks.”

“I’m glad that you are doing better.” She said and studied him.

Mike nodded a little and thanked her again. He squirmed a bit contemplating on if he would fake sleep or not until Harvey returned.

“Harvey said that you like being read to.” Jessica told him next. “Would you like me to do that?”

And that was how Mike ended up having Jessica Pearson read him four articles from a magazine until Harvey stepped into the room and started laughing and said that Mike was capable of reading his own newspapers. Jessica said that she had a special letter of termination that she had drafted for Harvey that he could bring to the hospital and read to Mike instead. Harvey stopped laughing then.

_-SUITS-_

Mike thought that he was ready to go home now and Harvey was inclined to agree with him. The kid seemed to be much better now. It had been a week and a half since the incident that landed Mike in here and there had been a lot of improvements. They were all very worried about Mike’s heart and checked it every day, among other things. Harvey had to admire Mike’s patience with all the nurses and doctors that wanted to poke at him, have him do this or that. Mike didn’t seem to mind though. But the kid wanted to go home as did Harvey. If Mike needed to be here longer, fine, but sleeping in his own bed would be great as well.

As another few days past Harvey began to notice that Mike’s mood started to change. He was getting anxious and restless. He started to sleep less, wanting to stay awake. He got more annoyed at the nurses when they wanted to take his blood pressure or brought him his medication or lunch.

“What’s with you?” Harvey exclaimed after Mike had a small outburst at nurse for failing to do her job as quickly as Mike wanted her too.

“They never leave me alone.” Mike muttered and Harvey rolled his eyes at him. “I just want to get out of here now.”

”You do understand that Mike can’t be left alone at this point. He’s in a state of needing round the clock care. So if you want to bring him home at this point I need to be sure that he is going to receive the help that he needs.” Mike’s doctor said when Harvey brought up the possibility of them going home.

“I can assure you that he will.” Harvey said.

“And how will you make that happen Mr. Spector?” the doctor pressed on.

“I’ll be there with him. And so will Donna. And his other friends.”

”And how will you be able to be there for him 24/7?”

“What do you want me to say? I can’t just leave him here when he doesn’t want to be here.”

“He has a severe heart problem, if I say he needs to be here he needs to be here. But you can always hire someone to help you. I do recommend you to do that.”

Harvey nodded. “Sure I can do that.” Maybe that was a good idea. Mike probably wouldn’t think so, but he didn’t have a say in this question.

It was decided that Mike was allowed to go home in two days. Mike seemed to light up a bit at those news. However when the day came he seemed to be nervous. That didn’t help when the doctor came and held a lecture where he warned Mike about doing anything at all that might strain his heart. He had a long list of things he advised Mike not to do and also one of what he had to do. They also warned about that Mike’s heart was in a much weakened state and that something like what happened causing him ended up here might happen again at any time and they needed to be prepared.

As they waited for a wheelchair to take them to Ray and the car Mike expressed his doubts, and maybe it was stupid for him to leave?

“What if…?”

“You will be fine.” Harvey assured him.

_-SUITS-_


	51. Chapter 51

He was really going home. It was hard to believe. For a while it had been a possibility that he never would return back home with Harvey, but here they were in the car. He had been forced to use a wheelchair to get to the car and both Ray and Harvey had had to help him get inside it. Ray shook hands with him and told him that he was happy to see him better. That was nice of him.

Mike had almost died. It had been so close that Harvey and Donna had been told to say their goodbyes to him. It was hard to understand it.  He had almost died, almost stopped exciting. How were you suppose to handle that? Mike had no idea. All he knew was that he didn't want to die. That was the only thing. It scared him more than anything at the moment. It was a kind of paralyzing fear that made him feel all cold inside as soon as he thought about it, which he pretty much did all the time.

When he was at the hospital he had wanted to go home but now he wasn't so sure anymore. At Harvey's he wouldn't be connected to all of those machines that helped analyzing how his heart was doing. He knew of course that he was cleared by his doctors to go home so they knew that he wouldn't drop dead or anything, but he was still very nervous that something might happen. He wouldn't have the same change of getting help at Harvey's place. That terrified him.

He didn't want to be afraid but he really was and it made him feel like shit. He couldn't handle anything, he was a wuss, he was like a child. He was pathetic and weak. He knew all these things and nothing of it made him feel any better. And his problems with insecurity and feeling afraid was going to be Harvey's problem now. Because he felt that Harvey was the only solution for him now. If Harvey was there he wouldn't panic, he was pretty sure of that. But he just didn't want to be too much. He felt so torn that he dreaded stepping inside Harvey's apartment. Not that he was able to step into it himself, Harvey had to push him in the wheelchair. He could barely sit up in it after the short ride from the hospital to the condo. It had left him drained and forced Harvey to practically lift him over to the chair.

“Couch or bed?” Harvey asked when they got inside. “Maybe the bed is the better choice.” He decided before Mike got a word out.

Mike that would have preferred the couch didn't say anything.

“I'll just carry you over, okay?” Harvey said as he locked the wheelchair close to Mike's bed.

“Okay.” He mumbled and laid his arm around Harvey's neck as the older man hoisted him off the chair. Harvey surprised him by holding a hand under his head and gently put him down. He then pulled a cover over Mike and sank down in the wheelchair still standing next to the bed. He fiddled a little with the wheels.

“This thing is not so bad.” He said to himself. He looked over at Mike who just laid there watching him. Harvey leans forward and rose his bed a bit. “That's better. How do you feel Mike?” He then asked.

Mike just shrugged. He felt miserable and close to tears, not even sure why. He had wanted this, to come here but now he almost wished that he was back at the hospital. That was a first. He didn't know what to do, he feared he would break down at any moment. Harvey wouldn't like that, he wouldn't understand why because Mike just got what he had wanted. It was just that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. Or he knew. He wanted things to go back to the way they were before, the time when Harvey didn't have to lift him up into bed, a time when they would just work to kick ass in court. He didn't want this!

“Do you want to get some sleep? You look exhausted.” Harvey spoke next to him.

“I don't know.” He said. He wished that Harvey could tell him that things would be okay, that he just had to get through this and then things would go back to normal. To normal before the cancer.

“Well would you like something to eat then? I got some stuff with me from the hospital and I asked Donna to pick some up for us.”

Harvey was talking but Mike didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. However he got nervous that Harvey would find him annoying if he didn't answer and that stressed him out.

“I don't… I don't know.” He said again and felt himself starting to breath faster.

“Okay, that's okay Mike. You don't have to know. Take it easy, it's been a busy day.”

It really hadn't but Mike tried to pretend Harvey was right. He just could relax! He was going to break. Maybe if he just could sleep he wouldn’t have to deal with feeling like this. But would Harvey stay if he slept? He needed to know. He bit his lip hard as he looked at Harvey. He was lifting stuff out of a plastic bag they had brought from the hospital and ere placing the different bottles with pills on the desk. Mike felt almost like he couldn't breath. What was wrong with him?

Harvey who was done with whatever he was doing turned back to Mike.

“Hey, what's wrong? What is it?” He was close the next second. “Slow down Mike. It's okay.”

Mike did try and do what he said.

“Mike relax. You have to relax.”

Mike wasn't even sure why Harvey was saying those things. Harvey was stroking his arm.

“Mike I need you to relax. I think you are having a panic attack. But that's okay, don't worry. You're fine.” Harvey continued speaking and Mike suddenly noticed that he could breath again.

“Can I sleep?” He asked shakily, not even sure why he asked. Now when he was staring to calm down he just felt so confused.

“Of course you can. I'll be here.” Harvey reassured him.

Mike swallowed hard and wiped his face. “You will?”

Harvey nodded and smiled. “Just get some sleep. You will feel better when you wake up.”

Mike forced his eyes closed and ignored the tears that wanted to creep out from underneath his eyelids. Harvey still had his hand on his arm, he was moving it up and down. Eventually he could feel himself drift off.

_-SUITS-_

They were not off to a good start. Mike just had a panic attack. An hour Harvey stayed with the kid before he was calm and asleep. He felt so sorry for the younger man. He had been warned about this. About Mike expressing difficulties with getting used to being in a different environment. Harvey hadn't believed it, that Mike would have a tough time at home, but he had been wrong. Mike had barely spoken and had just started breathing way to quickly and had sported a panicked expression. Then he even asked for permission to sleep. Harvey couldn't recognize this Mike, and he hated to see what this illness did to him. He felt so helpless in all of it as well. Helpless as well as somewhat alone. So much rested on Harvey’s shoulders regarding Mike, because Mike needed him more than anyone ever had needed him, and probably ever will. Because who else could Mike turn to in all of this? But as Harvey thought about it he found that he didn't want it to be someone else because he was determined to get Mike better and he wanted to be the one Mike turned to for help and support.

It was clear to him that Mike was distressed, he could see the fear in Mike's eyes as they followed his movements. Even now in his sleep he looked tense. Harvey suspected that they were in for some rough few days now. Mike didn't feel safe and that bothered Harvey, but it was something he had to work on and so what if it took some more time to get him to feel safe? Harvey had time. He had made sure that he had. Work came second to Mike now. If Mike felt a little better in a few days he would ask Donna to bring him something, but as for now his focus was solely on Mike.  

Donna arrived while Mike was still asleep. Harvey went to get the door for her but then went back to Mike while she put the groceries she had bought away. She also cooked for the three of them and brought the dinner into Mike's room. They ate in silence as not to disturb Mike. Harvey could see the way Donna was looking over at Mike now and again.

“He’ll will okay soon.” He eventually said. She nodded.

“He doesn't look okay.” She then said and put her fork and knife away. “He looks cold. I'm just going to get him another blanket.”

As she left the room Harvey didn't point out that there was one laying in a chair next to the bed.

When she came back a few minutes later, a blanket in hand and her makeup mostly washed away he didn't say anything about that either.

Donna’s presence helped when Mike woke up again, he didn't speak much but held on to her hand tightly when she took his in hers.

That night Harvey slept in the chair next to Mike's bed with his feet resting across the end of it. His back and neck hurt in the morning, but at least Mike was fine.

Donna came over for an hour before she left for work in the morning. Mike woke up while she was still there and both her and Harvey noticed that Mike didn't want her to leave. However he didn't say anything. Not even when Donna kissed his cheek goodbye. Harvey was sitting in the chair and watched how Mike's body jerked a bit when they heard the door close behind her. Mike's eyes teared up during the next minute and he tried to turn his head away.

Harvey's “She's going to be back later” didn't seem to help. Harvey almost didn't know how to handle this version of Mike. It hurt inside him to witness the way Mike jerked and looked up at him with desperation in his eyes every time he so much as moved. Harvey came with words of reassurance, he tried to engage Mike in conversations, he read to him, but he didn't get much of a response out of Mike.

Mike struggled with eating as well. At first Harvey thought that he would eat what was in front of him without complaints but that didn't happen. After about one fourth of the portion he claimed he was done and Harvey chose to back down pretty quickly after Mike exclaimed that he couldn't, he just couldn't eat anymore. He begged not to have to finish and Harvey didn't want to argue with him.

“You don't have to finish it.” He quietly said instead and Mike thanked him. That was just sad to Harvey. Mike was thanking him for not having to eat.

Mike slept a lot. He didn't have the energy to do much else.

"Hi Mike.” Harvey walked up to the kid’s bed after a bathroom break. Mike’s eyes tiredly flickered against him. He didn’t say anything.

“How are you feeling?”

Mike just blinked a few times before his eyes remained closed. Shit, Harvey swore to himself. He resented seeing Mike like this. So weak and sick. He didn’t know if Mike was awake or not. Was he sleeping? Should he let him in that case? Mike was due a couple of his pills, but letting him sleep for an extra hour or two wouldn’t hurt him much, would it?

It turned out that it did hurt because when Mike woke up he was in pain. Harvey gave him the pain killers and other pills but they didn't have the immediate effect that Mike was seeking. The pain made him act differently. He was agitated and angry, Harvey had seen it before and Mike almost turned into a different person. Harvey thought he was trying to hold back some but he wasn't that successful, not that Harvey blamed him but he had a hard time trying he control his own temper. He didn't want to argue with Mike but he went on about wanting other, stronger medications that Harvey knew that he couldn't take. Harvey wanted him to take a different kind, but Mike ignored him.

“Owww…it hurts.” Mike complained in what had to be the twentieth time. He was still in bed, refusing Harvey’s suggestion of moving to the couch a bit.

“I know that Mike.” Harvey patiently said.

“Do something then.” Mike snapped at him and Harvey had to take a deep breath. Damn that kid.

“I did offer you painkillers but you didn’t want them.”

“Not those ones. I want the other ones, I told you.”

“And I told you that you can’t have them right now.”

“Why not? Screw you. It hurts! It’s your fault then. You are doing this to me. You want to see me hurt? Huh? Is that what you want Harvey?”

Harvey rolled his eyes. ”Yes, that’s exactly what I want Mike!” He roared. “Just shut up would you, you don’t know what you are saying. I already explained why you can’t have the stronger ones, it doesn’t go with the anti-depressants.”

“So? Screw the anti-depressants. I don’t need them anyway.”

“Oh, believe me, you do.”

“Shut up!”

“Let’s just calm down okay? Both of us.” Harvey sighed. He didn’t want to fight with Mike when he was in this mood. His got unpredictable when he was in pain and anger could turn into anguish in mere seconds, especially now.

“Don’t tell me to calm down. Shut up Harvey!” Mike twisted in pain on the bed, grabbing for his chest. He groaned. “Don’t just stand there. Do something!”

”What do you want me to do then Mike.”

“I don’t know!” Mike was breathing hard and turned on his side with his back at Harvey when he didn’t answer him immediately. “Just leave me the hell alone then if you are just going to stand there.” He grunted.

“Fine.” Harvey clenched his teeth and left the room. He didn’t close the door though, and went and sat down on the couch. He just sat there and listened for any sounds Mike might be making. He heard him groan faintly but that was about it.

He did want to help Mike, but didn’t know how. Normally Mike didn’t want to be alone, but if he expressed that he wanted to Harvey would grant him that wish. At least for a little while. Maybe for five minutes. He doubted that Mike would last much longer than that considering he had been terrified of being alone ever since his heart stopped the last time. Mike had probably surprised himself as well, bursting out that he wanted to be alone.

There was a file on the table in front of him, and he took it in his hand intending to read it, but found that five minutes later he was still on the first paragraph. He couldn’t concentrate like this. He couldn’t sit here and read and pretend to work when he knew that Mike was in pain in the other room. And besides he had decided not to do any work. What was he doing? He stood and walked back to Mike’s room. Mike had buried himself under the cover with a pillow pressed against his chest. Harvey couldn’t see his face, but knew that Mike was awake, he was too tense not to be.

“You want me to sit with you?” Harvey quietly asked. At least he could offer his company.

Mike drew a shuddering breath before nodding. He hissed and tensed when Harvey sat down beside him on the bed. Harvey sat there in silence for a minute. Mike didn’t speak either.

“It’ll be okay.” Harvey quietly said, hesitating just a moment before putting a hand on Mike’s tense shoulder. “You’ll be fine. It’ll pass.”

Mike didn’t move and didn’t answer him, just stayed exactly as he was. Harvey pulled up his cover a bit higher, to cover the kids back. He didn’t like the way Mike was trembling, and even though he knew that the trembling most likely didn’t happen because Mike was cold, it wouldn’t hurt if he was warm and properly covered.

“Sorry…about, you know.” Mike quietly said a moment later. “Thanks for coming back.”

“No problem.” Harvey just answered. He didn’t need to say anything else at this point. He knew Mike was struggling, he had to keep that in mind, always.

A while later Mike was dozing off and Harvey sneaked out of the room and fixed a hot water bottle for the kid. When he got back Mike had turned against the door and stared at him with wide eyes.

“Where were you?” He asked.

“I just got this.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Mike didn’t even look what he had.

“I’m back now, lay on your back. I think this might help.”

Mike struggled for a moment with the task of turning on his back, a lost look on his face. He didn’t say anything, and when he finally made it he let Harvey arrange the bottle that was wrapped in a towel over his chest.

“Thank you.” He sighed. After that Mike stayed quiet. He seemed to be embarrassed for his previous behavior and Harvey caught him casting worried glances in his directions. He smiled against Mike every time, but Mike didn’t return them. He didn’t seem to be able to relax. Poor kid.

A couple of hours passed with Mike in bed and Harvey by the desk at his computer. Harvey glanced at his watch. They should eat something and he needed to use the bathroom. Mike had to take a few pills as well. A look over towards Mike told him that he was sleeping. He still tried to be quiet as he stood up, he was almost made it to the door.

“Where are you going?” Mike’s whisper stopped him. He looked back at Mike but his face was still hidden in the pillows.

“I thought you were asleep.” Harvey answered.

“No…I-I wasn’t. Where are you going?”

“Just to the kitchen for a while Mike.”

“I can I come with you?” Mike asked, surprising Harvey. “I want to come with you.” He still didn’t move, but sounded distressed. “Harvey?”

“Isn’t it better if you stay here Mike? I’ll be back soon.” He started walking towards the door again.

“No, wait!” Mike struggled to turn around on his back. “Wait.” He breathed, his face was flushed and edged with pain as he made to sit up. His arms shook from the effort but he managed.

“No, what are you doing? Just lay back down Mike. I just spent three hours in here with you. I’m hungry and I need the bathroom, plus you are due for some meds.”

Mike’s eyes flickered between Harvey and the door. He bit his lip and Harvey felt like crap.

“Five minutes Mike.” he said and tried to meet the younger man’s eyes. He didn’t like the way Mike looked. There was fear in his eyes and Harvey found that he couldn’t leave without the kid’s permission. Mike’s strength ebbed out and he slumped back against the pillows.  

“My heart…” he whispered then.

“What’s with your heart?” Harvey immediately got worried. “Does it hurt? Something feel’s weird?”

Mike shook his head a little. “No, it’s fine. I was just thinking…”

“What were you thinking?”

Mike’s lower lip quivered. He didn’t speak for some time. He was hesitating.

“I was just thinking… what if my heart stops when you are in the next room? In the kitchen. What if it does?” Mike locked eyes with him, the younger mans were wide and shiny.

“Mike, that’s not going to happen.”

“You don’t know that. You can’t know that. If I just could come with you?” He asked quietly as he looked away.

Harvey sat down on his bed again and nodded slowly. “Okay…” he said. “How about we do this?”

He reached for the baby monitor and pushed it into Mike’s hand, and then he reached for Mike’s phone. He knew the password so he turned it on and opened Spotify, and found a playlist. He then connected the phone to Mike’s pillow he had gotten him for his birthday. He pushed Mike a down a bit.

“All you need to do is relax. I’ll be right here.” He waved the other receiver around. “If we need each other, we’re here.”

“Yeah, okay.” Mike said defeated. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s alright. I’ll be back soon.”

“Yeah, okay.”

However Mike couldn’t relax and lay down and wait. “Harvey wait, please.” Mike’s voice stopped him before he got out the door. So Harvey turned back to him once again. “I just, I’m sorry if pissed you off before. I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t. You didn’t piss me off.”

Mike breathed out and nodded. “I'm still sorry.” He said. And there it was, tears, and Harvey wanted to curse as he hesitated in the doorway. Mike was scared.  How helpless he must feel Harvey thought, he knew Mike didn't want to be like this, but right now the kids defenses was at a low and he couldn't help himself, that's why he said he was sorry. He wanted to let Harvey leave but was scared of being by himself in case his heart would stop while Harvey was away. Maybe this wasn't the right place for Mike to be, maybe they should be at the hospital? Mike would be monitored at all times there, and maybe that was better than being here. But there was no way he could bring that up with Mike at the moment. Mike would only conceive it as Harvey wanting to get rid of him. They had to fight through this here and now. He needed to talk to Donna and see what she thought.

As for now he just once again reassured Mike that everything was fine and hurried out of the room to do what he needed, clutching his end of the baby monitor in a hard grip. They should maybe get something cooler that Mike had suggested once, maybe walkie-talkies instead. He would have to talk about that with Donna as well.

_-SUITS-_

_Oh god_ , he felt like absolute crap, and Harvey had apparently decided to be gone forever. He held the damn baby monitor in a death grip pressed against him, his hand were getting sweaty. He desperately wanted to use it, but didn’t want to seem too pathetic because Harvey had told him again and again now that everything was fine. However Mike didn’t see it. He couldn’t see how things were alright, he felt the opposite. He felt desperate and he didn’t know why. Like he was falling apart, like he had something huge inside him that wanted out but he couldn’t let it. He didn’t understand how Harvey could say that it was okay.

He was terrified of his own body, that it would betray him, he had no control what so ever over his heart and all he had been told was to relax and stay calm. It was incredibly stressful to have to force yourself to be calm, especially since he felt close to panic at all times. He didn’t want to sleep now either, because what if he wouldn’t wake up again?

The pain he had been in earlier today had sent him over the edge. He hadn’t been able to hold it back, when Harvey had refused to do anything at all to help him. He had boiled over and now he was so nervous that Harvey was sick of him or angry with him. Why wasn’t he coming back?

He felt constantly close to tears. When he had been turned against the wall with his face in the pillows he had allowed them to fall since he was sure that Harvey couldn’t see it. He felt so damn useless where he was, just crying into his pillow even when Harvey was in the room. He didn’t know how or what to do to ever feel any better. The only thing that help some was if Harvey was in the room with him. But he wasn’t now, and every second seemed to last forever. He barely dared to breath and was biting his own tongue so hard that it really hurt, but he had to do it just to stop his teeth from grinding together and for him to call out. He thought that he could taste blood. He couldn’t let Harvey know what he was doing, he would think Mike had gone insane. And what if he sent him away? What if he took him back to the hospital again because he didn’t want to deal with Mike anymore? Was that why he was gone for so long now?

He was laying there all tense biting hard into his own tongue as he just tried to endure it. It was like if time stood still. Oh god, he could barely breath! He couldn’t do this! This was the worst he ever felt and right now he wasn’t sure how to handle it. He didn’t know if he could. For the first time he didn’t think that he could do this!

Something needed to change now, he couldn’t deal with this. He wanted it to end. He couldn’t feel like this. What scared him even more was that his heart was beating hard and fast inside his chest and no matter how much he tried to stay still and calm it didn’t stop. It didn’t work. Nothing worked. He couldn’t do a thing. It was getting harder and harder to breath as well. Was this it? Was he having another heart attack? He felt dizzy and sick all at once, the room was spinning around him, even though he tried not to move at all. He was so tense that it almost hurt, he was pretty sure he was shaking from how tight his muscles were.

Why couldn’t he just make it stop? He hated himself for not being able to control himself. It was like he was paralyzed in these feelings both physically and mentally. He couldn’t get out of it and he felt like he was going to pass out, or even worse, die. That feeling made it about a hundred times worse because he was alone, he was alone and he was dying. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Harvey had promised him.

His whole body hurt, he convulsed in attempts to breath, to calm down, to stop. He thought he made a sound, but wasn’t sure. He could barely see, everything was blurry. He fought for his life. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this, not like this! That was all he could think, please not like this. Help, he needed help! He couldn’t stop it, but maybe someone else could. Harvey! He wasn’t holding the baby monitor anymore and didn’t know where it was. He couldn’t search for it since his body wasn’t cooperating at all.

Suddenly there was hands on him. Someone was talking next to him, but he couldn’t hear the words. He tried but he couldn’t. He was being shaken, the voice grew louder, more urgent. A hand landed on his face and it was turned towards the side. A shape came into view. Harvey, it was Harvey. Relief flooded through him, he wouldn’t have to die alone. Harsh sobs welled out of him as something snapped in him along with the feeling of intense relief. He was hoisted upright and strong hands held him up. Harvey was still talking to him. Movement around him and something was along his side, Harvey’s body he realized. Harvey was holding him and letting him lean sideways into him. One of his arms were along Mikes back and the other hand Harvey had pressed against his chest. Mike was still sobbing uncontrollably, he had never cried this hard. It hurt. It made it difficult to draw breaths. He shook so violently that Harvey had to tighten his grip around him. He pushed Mike harder against him.

Mike still didn’t have any control over his body. He wanted it to end. Everything hurt and it wasn’t worth it. Why couldn’t he pass out?

Suddenly Harvey started to push him away and down. He was saying something as he tried to lower Mike down, but that couldn’t happen. He couldn’t do that, Harvey was pushing him away. Harvey didn’t want him. At first he tried to resist but he couldn’t. Other shapes were next to them. More hands pushed him down. Something was placed over his face and someone took a hold of his arm. He tried and pull it away, but it didn’t work and it was held in place. His arm hurt suddenly. A needle.

He was sinking downwards. His mind got a little clearer as he understood that the two shapes next to him were paramedics and that they just had injected him with something and he had an oxygen mask on because his breathing had improved. He was more relax, almost uncomfortably so. Everything was still spinning though and he felt extremely nauseas, but didn’t think he would throw up.

Someone was touching him. He felt something cold against his chest and pressure around his arm. People around him were talking. The paramedics and Harvey. Harvey sounded angry. Was he angry at Mike? He couldn’t be right?  _Oh no, oh no, oh no_. Once again he felt himself starting to tense. Harvey couldn’t be mad at him. Harvey needed to help him. Mike wanted Harvey to make it all okay. He wanted Harvey to just tell him it was okay again, and he would try harder, so much harder to believe him.

Why wouldn’t they stop talking? What were they saying?

Then Harvey came closer to him. The other voices had disappeared. He didn’t know where they were, but Harvey was there. Mike tried to grab for him, but couldn’t get his hands to cooperate. But Harvey took his hand in both of his and held on hard. He was speaking quietly and Mike couldn’t hear him. He tried to say Harvey’s name, but he was slurring. Hi body was twitching and he thought that maybe he was even drooling a bit. That was terrible.

Harvey let go of his hand with one of his and started to move his hand up and down Mike’s chest instead.

“Just breath, just breath slowly. You can do it. You can do that Mike. Deep breaths. That’s it.” He could finally distinguish the words Harvey was repeating over and over.

“You are going to be fine. You don’t have to worry about anything right now. I’m taking care of everything. You don’t have to be scared. I’m right here. You are fine now.”

Was he fine? He wasn’t dying? He was fine. Harvey said he was fine, it had to be true then. If he was fine he wasn’t dying. He wasn’t going to die here today.

He started to cry again, even though he barely had the strength for it.

“Mike, shh…It’s okay. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I know, I know. I know it’s tough right now. I know. But you know what, it’s going to be better. I just know it.”

Mike didn’t know. He was going to die. He had thought he was going to do so just minutes ago. He continued to cry, because he was still breaking. He still hurt. Nothing that Harvey said was going to make it better. It would never get better. Why would it? Why was Harvey even bothering with him?

“Okay, okay, okay. I know everything sucks right now. But it’s going to pass. You’ll feel better soon. I’ll be here.” Harvey was still saying all those things to him.

“I think I’m going to lay down next to you, is that okay with you Mike?” Harvey said then. “Is it Mike?”

Mike needed to answer. “Yeah.” He whispered. And to his surprise Harvey climbed down next to him. He laid down on his back close to Mike, close enough so that their shoulders were touching. Then Harvey bent his head towards Mike so that their heads were touching as well. Harvey took his hand in his and held on hard. Mike felt Harvey’s warmth next to him. He liked that. He relaxed a little. He wanted to hold on to Harvey, he wanted to stop him from ever leaving his side. He managed to fling his arm across his body and grab hold on Harvey’s arm, or at least touch it. A little while later Harvey’s other hand landed on top of Mike’s head, and his finger’s slowly traced little patterns across his forehead.

“I’m right here.” Harvey said and Mike suddenly felt guilty for ever doubting him. Of course Harvey would be there for him, he had said he would be. And now he was even when Mike was behaving this way. He needed to say something.

“Sorry.” He managed. “Sorry, sorry, sorry. So sorry.” He couldn’t stop when he started. He whispered it over and over again. He wanted Harvey to know that he was so sorry for everything. He wished he could be different, that he could be stronger, that he could fight better, that he didn’t do this. He wanted to say all of that out loud but sorry was all he could form.

“No, Mike. You don’t have to be sorry. Hey, please.” Harvey were saying, and Mike could hear how his voice broke a little at the last word.

“I’m sorry too Mike. I’m so, so sorry. I am.” Mike slowly turned his head a little to be able to see his boss. Harvey had tears in his eyes too. Mike stopped saying that he was sorry then. Harvey didn’t stop stroking his head.

Eventually he was able to breath slower. Exhaustion were over him and he knew that he was going to fall asleep. He let his eyes fall close and he felt Harvey’s hand in his and weight next to him. Maybe it would be okay to get some sleep.

_-SUITS-_

An anxiety attack, a severe one. That was what it had been. The paramedics had wanted to bring Mike with them, but Harvey asked if he could give it a try to calm Mike down again. After some argument he had promised to take Mike straight to the hospital if he wasn’t better within the hour. Maybe it had been stupid to not let them take him, but it had also felt right. Mike needed to be in a calm and quiet environment. He had just been to the hospital way to long, he just got home yesterday. Harvey had been stupid to leave him alone like that, so stupid. It was entirely his fault, not Mike’s. He hadn’t thought that it would get that bad. He couldn’t been away from Mike more than six or seven minutes at the most. He had had time to figure that out as he was trying to calm Mike down.

At first Harvey had almost panicked himself when he got back to Mike’s room and found him with breathing difficulties and unresponsive. He had tried at first to get Mike to look at him or talk to him but it was like Mike wasn’t even aware that he was there. But maybe he knew at some level because Mike started to cry when Harvey turned his face towards his own. Mike cried uncontrollably, it must have hurt him. Harvey had called an ambulance then.

He laid still next to Mike now, still a hand his head. His heart was still beating hard in his chest and he felt all shaky from worry. He tried to feel comforted from Mike’s now deep breathing. He was fine now.

But was he really fine, or was it more that he was asleep and then couldn't feel bad. Nightmares maybe, but maybe that was preferable than Mike having to be awake. Harvey had almost started crying himself when Mike had started to apologies. Again and again he said that he was sorry and didn’t seem to hear how Harvey told him that he didn’t need to be. He didn’t know what Mike was thinking that he was apologizing for. Freaking out? Being sick? Nothing made sense.

Harvey wasn't sure how to handle this. Did Mike need more professional help than what Harvey could provide? Was it wrong of him to not take Mike back to the hospital?

He was at least pretty sure that he would need more help. He was just one person and that wasn't enough right now, he needed backup. He would have to rely more on Donna and also maybe on Rachel, Louis and Jessica if they were willing. He would also look into hiring a nurse. Although he didn't particularly fancy the thought of having a stranger in his home it was probably the right thing to do for Mike at the moment. He wouldn't do anything now though. He was just going to lie here until Mike woke up again.

It took him almost three hours until he did. Harvey dozed of himself and woke up from Mike twisting a bit next to him. He sat up on his elbow and regarded Mike as he blinked slowly. Harvey hoped with all he had that the kid felt better after sleeping some. Mike jerked a little when he saw that Harvey was so close to him.

“Hi Mike.” Harvey calmly said. He waited for Mike’s reaction.

“Hi.” Was all he said, or whispered. His voice sounded hoarse.

Harvey didn’t know what to say next. “Are you feeling better?” He carefully asked. Mike just watched him in silence.

“What happened?” He whispered.

“You don’t remember?” Harvey asked hopefully.

Mike closed his eyes for a minute as his breathing started to quicken. Shit.

“I was…I couldn’t breath.” Mike said. “What happened?” he repeated.

“You were…” Harvey hesitated. He didn’t want to tell Mike what had happened. What would be better of it? Nothing. “You just felt a bit bad, but you are better now.” He said decidedly.

Mike seemed to think this through. He slowly shook his head. “No” he said. “I couldn’t breath, I remember that. I was in pain, it hurt everywhere.” A wrinkle appeared on his forehead as he thought.

“The paramedics where here, you called them. You argued with them.” He mumbled.

“Yeah, I did call them Mike. I had to, you were unresponsive.” He wasn’t going to apologize for that. What Mike said next scared him though. Mike just looked blankly straight ahead as he said it, but Harvey could see that his eyes were getting a bit shiny.

“I thought I was dying.”

“Mike. You weren’t dying. You, you just had an anxiety attack.” Harvey carefully said.

“No! I was dying, it felt like I was.” Mike insisted and with tears in his eyes now he looked into Harvey’s eyes. “And you weren’t there.” Mike brought a shaky hand up and wiped his eyes.

“I know.” Harvey said quietly. “I know I wasn’t.”

“Why not?” Mike wanted to know, his face twisted.

Harvey shook his head a little. “Mike I was just gone for a few minutes. I told you before I was just going to the bathroom and fixing you something to eat.”

“I don’t care!” Mike exclaimed. “I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to be alone.” He looked away.

“I’m sorry Mike, I…” but Mike interrupted him.

“No, why did you leave me? You were gone! I thought I was going to die. I thought I was dying. Alone.”  Tears were running down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them away.

“You said that I didn’t have to.”

“You weren’t, Mike. You weren’t dying.”

“But I thought I was. That’s the same. I was scared.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’ve told you that you don’t have to be scared Mike.”

“You telling me not to be scared doesn’t help shit, you know.” Mike mumbled. “I can’t just turn it off. I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do.” He sobbed again and Harvey’s heart sank even more.

He did the only thing he could think of that would help the most. He leaned in and gave Mike a hug. At first he thought Mike would push him away, but he didn’t. Instead Mike clang to him, his fingers digging into Harvey’s back. Mike’s arms shook but he didn’t let go. For some time they both stayed like that, both silent.

Mike had stopped his crying when they let go. He wouldn’t look at Harvey and his cheeks were flushed.

“Hey, it’s okay. I get that this all is a lot to handle, but it’s okay. And you know what? It’s going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it.” Harvey tried to reassure the younger man. He didn’t want him to feel embarrassed, but didn’t know if he got that through to Mike.

Mike didn’t answer him, he just looked away.

“You need to tell me when you feel that bad Mike, then I can help you stop it from getting worse.”

“But that’s the thing wasn’t it.” Mike said. “You weren’t here.” His voice almost broke and Harvey was afraid that he was going to start crying again, but he didn’t.

“I know, and that’s on me. I feel awful about that Mike.”

“I don’t know what to do with myself.” Mike whispered. “I feel like crap. I feel totally patethic and fucking useless. I feel like crying all the time.” He said the last part with a hint of disgust in his voice as he closed his eyes tightly.

”I just want it to end sometimes.” He continued. “Sometimes I don’t think that I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard, Harvey. I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to do this to you.”

Harvey didn’t want to hear those words coming from Mike’s lips. Never those words and he wanted to respond with anger, but there was no way Mike could handle rage at the state he was in now. The kid would get another attack. He took a deep breath before he answered. Time for some pep talk.

“I get that you feel like crap Mike, and I can get that you want it all to end. Your situation sucks. Cancer sucks. But I will tell you one thing, you are not pathetic and you are not useless. What you are is a fighter. You are fighting this fucking disease with all you got, and you are beating it again and again. You are still here, after everything you been through. Hell, your heart has stopped at least five times by now, you have been on a ventilator because you couldn’t breath on your own, and they even told us to say goodbye to you because they didn’t think that you would make it. But what did you do?” He paused to see if Mike would answer. He didn’t.

”You fought through it all and you are still here, so you are doing something right here. All you need to do is keep doing it and then you leave the rest to me. I won’t leave you alone again. I’ll get us more help, I’ll make sure you are safe. And I don't care if you cry all damn time, I don't care. Okay, do you understand what I’m saying? You don’t have to worry Mike, because I got your back.”

Mike nodded a little.

“And you know what? It’s okay if you are scared or upset of whatever, because I will be here anyway, especially then. You matter most to me and I’m sorry but I don’t want to hear you speak about yourself like that again.”

Mike still didn’t speak, but now he reached out a hand against Harvey. His eyes flooded over again as Harvey took his hand.

“Thank you, Harvey.” Mike slurred and then tipped his body towards Harvey and buried his face against his chest.

“Yeah, okay.” Harvey said and patted his head a little. ”You are welcome. I guess.”

”I kind of love you, you know..” Mike mumbled causing Harvey to laugh.

“I kind of love you too.”

“I know.” Mike said, not moving from his position.

“And don’t you ever scare me like that again. You are giving  _me_  a heart problem like this.”

“Heh…that’ll be bad.” Mike mumbled. ”I don’t think I can sit up at the moment, to give you CPR.”

”We have the defibrillator. I’ll show you how to use it.”

”Perfect.”

And just like that, things felt normal again to Harvey. Well, except for the fact that he had his associate pressed against his chest, sleeping. But he and Mike were good and that was a win.

Now he was just waiting for Donna to get there. They needed to come up with a plan.

Donna did arrive later and Harvey felt relived. He really needed to talk to her about a lot of things but that proved to be difficult since Mike was awake. He wasn't going to let Mike hear this, it was no use. He also wanted to tell Donna what happened earlier, but it had to wait.

Mike felt a bit better after his latest nap and was even a bit hungry. They all ate together, Mike carefully and slowly.

He passed out an hour later giving Harvey the opportunity he had been waiting for. Donna got very worried when he told her about what happened earlier during the day. She questioned Harvey's decision on keeping Mike at home, but agreed that he seemed to be doing slightly better.

She also agreed that they needed to make sure that Mike wasn't left alone at all. Donna promised she would take care of that, saying that she would talk to the others and that he needn’t to worry. Harvey claimed that he didn't, and she almost laughed at him for it. He didn't know when that had happened, her laughing when he said he won’t be worried about anything. Who had he become? Not that he cared though, he did what was needed of him and he wanted to do it. Because Mike needed him and Harvey felt good about being needed. And besides he did kind of love Mike. They had grown so close now that they practically was family and Harvey had come to realize that this feeling he felt when he looked at Mike when he was sleeping peacefully on his bed, was what he had been missing in his life. His life had gotten a deeper purpose since Mike came to live with him. That was something that he was grateful for.

A few days passed with more frequent visits from Donna. She had started to look into hiring a nurse for them as well. She had spoken to the hospital about it as well as them getting some equipment so that Mike could be treated more at home. So far nothing was decided yet.

Rachel and Louis had agreed to help out more as well, Louis being really eager. Even Jessica had offered to be of assistance any way she could. Harvey could just accept and thank them for it. It meant that he would be able to go to the office once in a while, or go out for a run or just sleep a couple of hours. Mike was more stable now but still very ill. He had good and bad days and sometimes he was reluctant towards Harvey leaving. Every time he had been so far, Harvey had chosen to cancel whatever he had been planning on doing in favor of staying with Mike. Donna who had promised to stay with Mike then had been a bit annoyed with him, but when Mike smiled gratefully towards him it was worth it. It wasn’t often that Mike smile.

Three days after Mike’s anxiety attack Harvey walked into Mike’s room after lunch to check on the kid. Mike had been taking a nap but Harvey thought that he could hear him moving around in there. They hadn’t spoken much about Mike’s emotional state after that attack. Mike had no desire what so ever about doing that.

Today Harvey had kept a close eye on Mike since he had shown signs of having a fever. Fevers worried Harvey. Mike didn’t really answer Harvey as he greeted him, and walked to sit down on his chair. Mike was searching for something on the nightstand.

”Mike, what are you doing?” Harvey finally asked as the baby monitor fell of the table. “What are you looking for?”

“It’s here. It was here.” Mike mumbled, Harvey wasn’t even sure if he answered his question or not. He was leaning on his side and searching along the nightstand with one hand. Quite a lot of crap was loaded on top of it. A few books and magazines, pill bottles, a glass of water, Mike’s iPad, his charger and headphones and an old apple. When Mike continued his search without results Harvey decided to help him out. He walked over picked up the monitor off the floor and helped Mike lift the magazines.

“There!” Mike exclaimed and pointed. He tried to reach. It was a picture frame that had been tipped over and hidden below the magazines. Mike couldn’t reach it and was changing positions to do so. Harvey picked the frame up and put it in Mike’s hand. He saw that it was the picture of Mike and his grandmother. Mike grabbed it with both of his shaking hands and held it up in front of him as he fell back against the pillows.

Harvey watched his expression as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “Your grandmother, huh?” he said, mostly just to have something to say.

“I just needed to see her.” Mike said, not tearing his eyes from the photograph. Harvey nodded even when Mike wasn’t taking any notice of him.

“You know, she impressed me, that one time I met her.” Harvey told the kid. Mike did look at him then and smiled.

”She liked you too.”

”Of course she did. I’m adorable.”

Mike laughed a little. “I actually think she liked Rachel more.”

“Hm...” Harvey smiled too. They were quiet for some time while Mike continued to look at the picture. ”I bet you miss her.” Harvey said eventually.

Mike swallowed before he answered. “Yes I do. I remember the last time I spoke to her as if it was yesterday. The last time we…” His eyes got shiny. “Sometimes I think it’s good that she isn’t here though.”

“Why would you say that?” Harvey wanted to know a bit surprised at that statement.

“So she doesn’t have to see me like this. I think it would have destroyed her. This is better.” He said solemnly.

“Mike… I’m sorry.” Harvey just said. He didn’t know what else to say, if anything he could say would help Mike. The kid was still holding the frame in front of him. Harvey resisted the urge to pull it away from him.

After a minute or two Mike carefully placed the frame back on the nightstand so that it was turned against him. “She was great to me.” He sighed. ”Did you know your grandmothers?” He asked then.

Harvey spent about an hour telling Mike about his grandparents, and then asked questions about Mike’s. It turned out to be a pretty good day for both of them. However as evening drew closer Mike’s fever rose slightly. He got more color to his cheeks and his eyes lost some of their clarity.

Mike was in his room sleeping after passing out as they were watching a movie together and Harvey had gone to lay down on the couch for a bit. They both had the baby monitors at hand. Mike had agreed on that walkie-talkies were a much better choice when Harvey had brought it up with him the other day, but Donna had said that it had slipped her mind every time Harvey told her to buy a pair.

“Harvey?” Mike’s quiet voice now reached Harvey where he was sitting on the couch. He immediately got up and went over to Mike’s room. He had left Mike in there asleep about three hours ago now, though he had been checking in on Mike every twenty minutes or so. He felt like this was what he needed to do now. He wasn’t going to let anything happen with Mike on his watch. Especially not after Mike practically collapsed after being left alone for just a few minute. Although the kid did seem more stable now, he didn’t want to risk anything.

 The last time he checked on Mike he had been fine, his breathing had been a bit labored, but it didn’t worry Harvey that much.

“Hi kid. What’s up?” He asked as he stepped into the room.

Mike blinked up at him, he was panting a bit. “I was just…” He started. “I was just wondering…where you were.”

“I’m right here.”

“Okay. Good.” Mike breathed. He looked up at Harvey with wide eyes and the older man’s heart sank a bit.

“You okay?”  He asked even if he knew that’s wasn’t the case right now.

Mike just nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine.” Harvey nodded back and glanced towards the door. He should go and turn off the TV.

“Can you stay?” Mike asked then, and Harvey just sat down. Of course he would. Mike just laid there, and Harvey pulled out his phone. They spent an hour or two like that, both in silence. Harvey wasn’t sure if Mike was awake or asleep, but he move around from time to time.

Harvey made dinner for them, just something in the oven so he didn’t have to leave Mike alone that much. Mike’s breathing was worrying him a bit. After dinner, Mike ate way too little, they watched a movie. At least Harvey did. Mike’s eyes were turned against the screen but when Harvey glanced at him he was pretty sure that Mike wasn’t aware what was happening. It made Harvey nervous.

Later that night had Harvey feeling actually scared. The way Mike sounded by now was truly scary.  Something was going on with his breathing, he was making some kind of wheezing sound that wasn’t normal.

“Are you sure you can breathe alright?” He asked again for what was probably was the third time this evening. Mike yet again assured him that he was fine. Harvey had made a call to his doctor that had told him that Mike probably just had mucus in his airways, and that it was what was causing the sound. If Mike claimed that his breathing was okay they didn’t need to come in. Also the fever didn’t seem to be any worse, it was only a low graded one.

“You don’t sound fine.” Harvey grumbled. He had already decided to spend the night close to the kid, he didn’t think Mike would mind. The doctor had told him to keep an eye out after all.

Mike coughed a bit and glanced up at him. He didn’t look fine either. He was pale now and looked a bit like Harvey was feeling.

“You know what? How about I just sleep in here tonight?” Harvey suggested to him.

Mike perked up a bit at that. “Really? Okay. But where?”

Harvey rolled his eyes a bit. “I’m glad I bought you a big bed. You have to move over a little though.”

Mike looked questioningly up at him, but nodded. He started to slowly move closer to the wall. He stopped when he had left some room next to him and glanced over at Harvey.

“Finally.” Harvey said with a smirk, he had patiently been waiting for the kid to move without helping him. “I’ll be right back Mike.”

“Okay.” He whispered.

Harvey went to get ready for bed and got some meds for Mike. He went back to Mike who was laying flat on his back, his chest moving rapidly up and down as he was breathing. Harvey found himself standing there watching Mike breathe for a minute. He didn’t know if Mike knew he was there or not. If he did he didn’t show it, just laid there.

Harvey sat down next to him, and opened up his laptop intending to catch up on his e-mails. It was still a bit too early for him to go to sleep. He started responding one e-mail, but his hands stopped typing when he focused on the sounds of Mike’s breathing. He looked at Mike’s pale face wishing it was something else he could do for him. He put a hand on Mike’s shoulder and squeezed it until Mike looked up at him.

“You good?”

Mike smiled a little and nodded.

“Try and get some sleep.”

Harvey worked in silenced while Mike slept, his breathing still sounded off. Sometimes he would cough a little, but didn’t wake up. Harvey had decided that he would stay up keeping watch until he felt sure that this wasn’t anything serious. The kid jerked awake an hour or so later and looked widely around him.

“Hey Mike? Everything good?” Harvey asked. He suspected a nightmare. Mike blinked up at him and nodded after a moment. Harvey noticed that he had started to shake a little. It must have been one hell of a dream to get a reaction like that. 

“Go back to sleep then.” Harvey told Mike, but the younger man didn’t respond. Harvey put the laptop away then and laid down. They were both silent.

Mike looked scared when Harvey turned his head towards him and he felt sorry for the kid. He had yet to stop shaking. It looked like Mike wanted to reach out for him, so Harvey just did it for him and took his hand in his. Mike clasped his hand weakly, a look of relief spreading over his face. This all sucked so much. Harvey cursed the cancer in his mind for the millionth time just for making Mike have that look on his face.

“It’s okay.” He mumbled. ”It’s okay Mike. It’s all okay.”

Mike didn’t say a word. However he pulled Harvey’s hand closer to him and managed to turn his body and bend his head down, so that he was leaning his forehead against Harvey’s hand, like he was seeking comfort from it, which he probably was. Harvey left his hand like that, in fact he didn’t dare to move it. He rested his other hand on top of Mike’s head for a moment.

“It’s okay. I’m right here.” He repeated.

It took Harvey a long time to fall asleep that night. He let Mike keep his hand in his possession which made it a bit hard to relax. His hand was sweaty from Mike’s lax grip. Mike breathing sounded about the same but at least he was asleep again.

It wasn’t a good night for either of them. Harvey slept uneasy and woke often to check if Mike was doing worse. Mike woke up a few times too. Once he woke Harvey by pulling on his hand. He proceeded to have a coughing fit for about two minutes, ending with Harvey dragging him upright and hitting his back. Afterwards Mike slumped against him totally out of breath. Harvey helped him to drink some water and get him back down. Mike mumbled a thanks and fell asleep again.

“Harvey…Harvey…Har…Harvey.” Harvey opened his eyes and jerked a bit when he found himself face to face with Mike.

“Hey.” He blinked a few times. “What’s wrong?” he asked as he glanced at his phone, four thirty.

“Don’t sleep.” Mike whispered.

”It’s too early not to Mike.”

“My chest hurts.” Mike told him.

”Yeah?”

Mike nodded with wide eyes. ”I don’t want to die.” He then said shakily and Harvey’s thoughts of sleep was gone immediately. “You won’t.” He reflexively said. Mike didn’t answer, just kept looking at him.

”Don’t be scared Mike.” Harvey told him. ”I’ll get you some painkillers.” He managed to get them into Mike and helped him to drink some water from a bottle. He told Mike to go back to sleep after that, but the kid still had that look on his face.

“I’ll keep watch, okay. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He quietly said but Mike still hesitated.

”You trust me right?” Harvey then asked him. Mike nodded at that and relaxed a little while later. Harvey carefully sat more upright. He was pretty sure that he would fall back asleep if he laid down again. He wasn’t going to do that to Mike. He turned his phone on and texted Donna. He knew he would need her help today. If nothing else he would need her to stay with Mike while he took a nap. He wouldn’t last long with only three hours of sleep. Hopefully he didn’t wake her up now, texting her at 4:47.

_-SUITS-_

 


	52. Chapter 52

It was a long morning for Harvey. Mike woke up again around 8:30 and Harvey gave him his meds. He was groggy and still tired. It took almost ten minutes for Mike to get all of the pills into him. He said his throat were dry and that it hurt to swallow. Drinking water didn’t help, that hurt too. This also stopped Mike from wanting to eat anything at all, which was bad. Mike needed to eat since he didn’t have an IV anymore, he told Mike this but he wasn’t that interested in listening. He just laid there, the back of the bed risen a bit so that he could look out of the window.

Harvey brought him some yoghurt with blueberries in it and placed the bowl in Mike’s lap.

“No…thanks.” Mike just said and tried to push the bowl back into Harvey’s hands. He wouldn’t take it though.

“It’s yoghurt, it shouldn’t hurt to swallow that.” He tried.

“I’m not hungry.” 

“Well…” Harvey started. He wasn’t going to let this go.

“Please Harvey, do we have to argue? I just can’t.” Mike faintly begged him before he could say anything else though.

“No, we don’t have to argue. You can just do what I ask you to.”

Mike seemed to consider this for a minute. “Fine.” He eventually whispered.

”I don’t want to argue with you either. You know that, but you have to eat Mike. If you just try I’ll leave you alone after that.”

Mike bit his lip and miserably stared at the bowl. He closed his eyes for a moment before lifting the spoon to his mouth.

Harvey didn’t speak as Mike slowly ate. He didn’t comment either after Mike pressed the bowl towards him after only a few mouthfuls. At least this was something.

Donna arrived a while later when Mike slept again. She went in to his room and checked on him anyway. Harvey took a seat on the couch and waited for her to come back. He had the baby monitor in front of him. As he waited he felt his eyelids getting heavier and heavier.

“Harvey?” Donna’s voice startled him awake. She was sitting across from him wearing a frown on her face.

“Did he keep you up?” She asked.

Harvey nodded and rubbed his face and then proceeded to tell her about the previous night. She listened in silence.

“You look exhausted.” She said when he had finished. “But you did good Harvey.”

“He is just so damn sick.” Harvey exclaimed. “He wants me there at all times because he is afraid that he might die.”

“I thought he was stable enough…”

“He is. Or at least they cleared him to be at home, but he is still freaking out, afraid that something will happen.”

“Can you blame him?” Donna sighed.

“No, of course not. But I’m not sure this is working. I mean he had a panic attack just because I left the room. I don’t know what to do to reassure him.”

“I’m not so sure there is so much you can do Harvey, you are already doing everything you can.”

“I think I need help though, Donna. I was thinking I should hire a nurse.”

“What?” he added when he saw Donna’s expression. She looked pleased.

“Oh nothing. I just think that is a really good idea.”

“Yeah, yeah. I think it’s worth a try. I’m not sure Mike will like it, but…”

“But he has to understand that you need the help.”

“I’m not sure he will. He isn’t exactly himself now a days.”

“It’s not really up to him though, Harvey.”

“I guess not.”

“He will understand, eventually. Do you want me to find a nurse for you then?”

“That’ll be great Donna.”

She smiled and nodded. “Why don’t you go and sleep. I’ll take your computer and stay with Mike.”

Harvey did what he was told. It was sometime during the early hours this morning that he had decided that it was time to hire help. He really thought it would be a good idea. Because he wasn’t going to be able to stay with Mike as much as the kid wanted. If he tried he would eventually collapse from exhaustion. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he knew that it was the truth. They couldn’t go on like this. He wished that he would be able to take care of everything by himself but he had to be honest with himself and realize that this would be beneficial for both him and for Mike.

He couldn’t help but think of the anxiety attack Mike had had. It had been because he was alone. It was a chance that that might happen again and if Mike got upset enough it could probably be the end of him, hell, he could get a heart attack or something. That couldn’t happen. They had to do something different from now on because this was unsustainable, so hiring help was something that could work. That could help with the situation. And besides Mike’s doctor had wanted him to do it and he had also said that he would hire help. So it was happening. He just hoped Mike would be okay with it.

-SUITS-

Last night was kind of blurry for Mike. The whole day were held in some kind of a daze. It had been a really bad day and he had once again lost control over himself and his emotions. Maybe that was why it was in a daze. His brain was trying to protect him from the embarrassment and humiliation of realizing how he had acted. In another life he would be freaking out for not recollecting every single moment of the previous day but now he was just grateful. Maybe it was a good thing not to remember for a change. Harvey probably remembered though because he was stayed close.

He really felt bad when he woke up that day. His eyes were dry and his throat hurt. He was worried he was getting a cold or something. It turned out that it got a bit better as time passed that day. He felt really down and totally exhausted, but at the same time slightly better than the day before. At least his chest didn’t hurt.

Harvey made him eat as soon as he was awake. It hadn’t been a pleasant experience trying to swallow whatever it was Harvey wanted him to eat. They didn’t speak much about what had happened the night before but Harvey kept asking him if he felt okay. Harvey didn’t leave him alone during that day and Mike was grateful for that as well. He noticed the looks that Harvey gave him once in a while. It was looks of concern.

“You know you can tell me if there is something that is bothering you.” He said. “Or you can tell Donna, or anyone.”

“I’m going to tell you.” Mike had quietly said. And he would. He owed Harvey that. But it was hard though to talk about the constant fear that lingered in the back of his mind. It was always present now. He tried to tell himself that he was fine now. He wasn’t going to die at any minute. He did his best in trying to convince himself of it. The longer he stayed fine and nothing happen the more it worked. He was gradually starting to relax a bit. Harvey also kept reassuring him that he was fine, that everything was okay. He wanted to believe that so badly.

It had now been two days since his pathetic panic attack were Harvey had been force to call an ambulance for him. He and Harvey had talked about it eventually. Mike had tried to explain but wasn’t sure he had been that successful, however Harvey had said that he got it.

Mike hadn’t had to be by himself though. Someone was always there with him. Mostly Harvey or Donna, but Rachel also stopped by a couple of hours on the second day. It was nice to see her again, even though he fell asleep about an hour into her visit. She was still there when he woke up though. He really liked when they kept him company. He felt much calmer from it. He was even okay with Harvey leaving the room for a few minutes now to go the bathroom or getting them something to eat. He didn’t freak out. He wasn’t going to do that again. He had been so stupid before.

He slept a lot now. He felt totally drained. He didn’t have any energy at all to do much of anything. He couldn’t sit up by himself! He could remain sitting for a while, but couldn’t muster the strength to get up into a sitting position. Walking wasn’t an option. He had managed to get to the bathroom but Harvey had to follow him in there. It made him wish just a little bit that he would fall into a coma or something and just wake up when his body was stronger.

On the afternoon of the third day Harvey stepped into his room after putting away his phone he had been on. He had been pacing around outside the door to Mike’s room. Mike had tried to listen what he was talking about but Harvey hadn’t spoken loud enough.

"Mike I wanted to talk to you about something.” Harvey said as he walked up to the chair and sat down. He leaned forward so that Mike could see his face easier. Mike blinked up at him.

“About what?”

“Look buddy, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way now.”

“Okay…” Mike said hesitantly, as soon as Harvey said that he knew it was going to be something he didn’t like.

“I have decided to hire someone to come and help us out.”

“What?!”

“We are going to hire a nurse that will be here when needed to make sure that you are alright.” Harvey said firmly.

Mike started to shake his head. “No, I don’t need that. It’s fine with just you and Donna.” He watched how Harvey squirmed a little on the chair. Mike realized that he was uncomfortable.

”That’s just it Mike.” He said slowly. ”It’s not fine with just me and Donna. You are seriously ill right now. You need medical attention daily. You need someone to keep track of your medications, monitor your heart and you know, other things.”

“I thought you were doing those things. I don’t want…”

“But I do.” Harvey interrupted him and sat straighter up. “It’s not just for you Mike.” He then said tiredly. He paused and shook his head a little, but then his face hardened into an expression Mike hadn’t seen on the older man’s face in a long time. It looked just like Harvey had looked at him before, before all the cancer. Before when he was just normal Mike and not this weak helpless person, but back when he was himself and had been working hard for what he believed was right and when he stood up for it and argued with Harvey he had gotten that look that now was on Harvey’s face. It meant that this is how it is going to be. He was right because Harvey’s next words confirmed it.

”It’s either this or you have to go back to the hospital, Mike. This was one of the requirements that they had for letting you go home. And I happen to agree with it. Your health is too important for me to ignore that.”

Mike swallowed and looked away from Harvey. A thought of clarity had just hit him and he couldn’t believe himself that he hadn’t thought of this sooner. Or he had thought about it, it was just that he didn’t want to think about that this was hard for Harvey as well. Was he wearing Harvey out? He almost felt embarrassed when he thought of it. He always wanted Harvey around and Harvey complied with almost everything he asked of him now.

Harvey helped him with moving around, Harvey helped him with meals cooked for him, and he took him to the hospital. And Harvey stayed with him when he was worried or afraid, when he was scared of sleeping or when he woke from a nightmare, Harvey was there. Did Harvey get enough rest? Did he eat okay? Mike hadn’t thought of it at all earlier. He was too busy with himself to think about Harvey. That wasn’t fair. Sure he was the one with cancer and all, but Harvey did everything for him. Hell, he had even saved his life more than once.

But Harvey had never said anything about any of that. And Mike realized that he sort of thought of Harvey as some kind of superhuman. Or he had just expected him to be one. Harvey wasn’t weak, he was the strongest person he knew. But maybe he wasn’t invincible. Donna had told him that Harvey had passed out once when Mike himself had been unconscious at the hospital. Harvey must have a limit too of how much he could handle.

He looked up at Harvey now, he was just sitting there waiting for Mike to get there. He raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“It would help you too?” Mike asked quietly.

“It would.” Harvey nodded.

“Okay…” Mike said then. It wasn’t like he couldn’t say anything else now. He felt stupid and selfish.

“Oh, good.” Harvey sighed. “Because Donna has already found someone. He is starting tomorrow.”

“What?” Mike exclaimed. He couldn’t stop himself. “Tomorrow!”

“Yeah, he is well recommended and good at what he does. He has worked with cancer patients before as well as with people with heart problems. For starters he will be here during the day a few days and some nights. We’ll see how it goes from there.”

“Eh okay, nights as well?”

“Yes.” Harvey didn’t elaborate.

“So it’s a him?”

“Yes, it is. Do you have a problem with that?” Harvey didn’t sound accusing, he just wanted to know.

“I guess not. But you don’t?” Mike smirked.

“No.” Harvey just said. “Donna thought it was best with someone that would be able to carry you.”

“Great.” Mike muttered feeling himself blush a bit as the smile was wiped from his face. “So what’s his name then?” He asked just to get away from that subject.

“Ehm…” Harvey started.

“Seriously? You don’t even know his name? And you are going to have this person work inside your home?”

“Yes I do, it’s Adam. His name is Adam. See, I knew.”

“But you don’t know his last name do you?” Mike smirked.

“It didn’t say on the name tag.” Harvey grumbled.

Mike just shook his head at him. “Okay…” He said absentmindedly. He guessed that this wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world after all. Maybe he was just selfish if he demanded Harvey to take care of him all by himself. But that didn’t mean he looked forward to this. In fact it felt a bit humiliating. He had decided not to say anything about that though.

“So you have already met him then?” He asked instead.

“I did, yesterday when Rachel was here I went to see and speak to him. According to Donna he is the best she could find. He had good recommendations.”

Mike rolled his eyes. “Okay.” He muttered. He didn’t like this at all, but had decided that he wouldn’t complain about it. If this was what Harvey wanted, then fine.

The nurse arrived the next morning. He was laying in bed when he heard the door bell and Harvey going to let him in. He could hear them talking and walking towards his room.

Harvey stepped in first. “So, this is Mike.” He said. “Mike, this is Adam Lindholm.”

“Hi Mike, nice to meet you.” The man stepped forward to shake Mike’s hand. Mike embarrassingly enough had trouble lifting his arm high enough, so Adam just lifted it up, shook it and put it back down when they were finished. “I’m looking forward to working with you.” He said and smiled.

Mike weakly smiled back. He should at least give the guy a chance.

Harvey went into a mode after that, explaining everything, telling Adam practically all he knew about Mike’s cancer. Adam asked questions too, sometimes direction them to Mike, even though Harvey answered. Mike was fine with that. After that Harvey took Adam to show him everything in the rest of the condo. Mike couldn’t help but feel like Harvey was introducing a baby sitter, showing him where the food was and all of the equipment in the house. The only difference between himself and a baby, Mike darkly thought was maybe all the medication and hospital visits Adam would need to keep track of, other than that it was pretty much the same.

That day Adam stayed for a few hours to return the next day. Harvey asked him what he thought about the guy and he said that he was okay. Harvey rolled his eyes at him when he didn’t elaborate.

“I think it’s going to be a good thing having him here.” Harvey said and somehow that sentence made Mike want to cry, but instead he smiled and nodded.

They didn’t really talk much more about the fact that Mike now had a personal nurse. The first few days it was a bit weird but he guessed he would get used to having Adam there. He tried not to think so much about what it meant. He just had to take one day at the time as usual.

Adam was a big guy that had a shaved head and a slightly ginger beard. He had tattoos along his muscular arms and he was always wearing a green hospital outfit, at least the shirt sometimes he forgot the pants, at least that was what he claimed. Next to Adam Harvey looked small and they looked so different that Mike had almost laughed the first time he saw them standing next to each other, Harvey in a suit and Adam in his scrubs. He had been a bit out of it then from strong pain killers, but still, Adam did look out of place. He was strong enough to carry Mike without much effort which turned out that he needed to do, only the second day he was with them.

“It’s fine. I’ll just help you out.” He had said and grabbed a hold of his torso and his leg and lifted him over to the wheelchair. That was after Mike almost had fallen into him after trying to get off his bed.

Despite his looks Adam was surprisingly gently in his care of Mike. He was always light on hand and smiled a lot, he spoke in a calm melodic voice can he spoke a lot. Mike found that he liked that. However Adam also had a professional side to him and he never spoke a word about his personal life, not even when Mike asked. That annoyed him and it somehow made him feel more like any patient at a hospital than he would have liked. He was at home now and he would have wanted Adam to be more like a friend, more like Harvey was and not like a nurse. But the truth was that Adam was a nurse and he was just doing his job, and he didn’t have any obligation to share his private life with Mike.

They didn’t have that much in common either. Adam liked soccer of all things and would talk a lot about the sport. He claimed it was underappreciated in America and spoke about Champions league and about people such as Zlatan Ibrahimović or Bastian Schweinsteiger. He spoke just like he expected Mike to know who those people were. He did know who they were now, since Adam shoved him pictures on his phone and even read their Wikipedia-pages out loud for Mike, something that took almost three hours. Mike did fall asleep eventually.

But spending time with Adam wasn’t the same thing as when Harvey was there and as the day’s passed Mike came to treasure the times Adam wasn’t there more and more.

He wasn’t really doing well at the moment. He could feel it inside of him. It was almost like he physically could feel the cancer weakening and poisoning his heart as the days past. His dose of medication had been upped and it did affect him. He had trouble staying awake for longer periods of time and he had developed some kind of weird shaking. His whole body would tremble without him doing much of anything. He noticed it most in his arms and hands. He had trouble holding things or even gripping them. It scared him more than he let on because no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop it. Adam told him it was nothing to worry about. But when he went for a hospital trip the next day Adam mentioned it to his doctor that did some extra test. Mike wasn’t really aware of if anything was being done to stop it, if it was it didn’t work.

The trembling made eating more difficult and it took a lot of energy out of him. The shaking made it embarrassingly hard to hit his mouth. 

He was almost always in pain now as well. It was mostly his chest that bothered him, but also other parts of his body. One morning he woke up from his left leg hurting like crazy. He had to suppress a scream and just prayed for it to stop. Pain killers only helped a little and the pain left him totally drained and close to tears.

Both Harvey and Adam was in the room with him. Harvey was talking to him, but Mike found that his words didn’t do shit to take the pain away.

“Let’s try this.” Adam had said and had climbed on top of his bed to be on his left side. With strong hands he then started to massage his leg. Mike wanted to tell him to stop but it was helping so he shut up and just closed his eyes and waited.

“It’s just muscle cramps. They will pass.” Adam said.

They did pass, but other things bothered Mike. His medication was adjusted yet again and IV had appeared in his room, he didn’t even know when. Some days he was so drugged up that he didn’t know what was going on around him. He didn’t like that at all and one day he even fought Adam when he came with his usual medication.

Not every day were that bad though. He had good days too. Days when the medication was working and days when he was able to get out of bed and maybe join Harvey on the couch.

One of those good days when the nurse was there Adam came up to Mike on the couch and suggested that he would move to the bed. Mike refused. To his surprise Harvey spoke up.

“Just do what he says Mike. I have to head over to the office for a couple of hours any way.”

Mike was fuming as he tried to storm out of the room. He tried to shrug Adam away where he was walking with a supporting hand around Mike’s elbow.

“I can fucking walk.” He snapped. And Adam held up his big hands and backed one step. But when Mike started walking again he could feel the other man close to him. He clenched his teeth and got to his bed, stubbornly turning his back towards the nurse. Adam wasn’t faced by it at all though and just gently placed a blanket over him. It made Mike even angrier and he felt like a small child.

A few minutes later it all got worse by Harvey poking his head into the room and telling him to be a good boy and do what Adam told him and that he was leaving. He knew Harvey meant it as a joke, but Mike didn’t appreciate it at all.

Was Harvey just dumping him on someone else now? Was this guy just here so that Harvey didn’t need to be bothered with him? No, right? That wasn’t it. Harvey wouldn’t do that to him. But it was just that he didn’t see much of Harvey whenever Adam was there. Maybe Harvey was relieved now. Happy not to have to bother so much with Mike. Instead he headed to the office and here Mike thought that Harvey wouldn’t be working as much now when he was so ill.

Yesterday Adam came knocking on the door even before Mike was awake. Harvey had woken him up by shaking his shoulder a bit. Harvey just stood there above him and waited while he tried to figure out how to wake up and understand what was going on. To his embarrassment he had been drooling a bit on the pillow. What was that about? For a couple of minutes he hadn’t been able to get his brain to focus on something else other than that until Harvey asked if he was okay.

He had groggily nodded then and maybe he had answered something, he wasn’t sure.

“Adam is here Mike. He is in the kitchen making you something to eat. I’m heading off to the office for a bit.” Harvey had told him next and before he knew it Harvey had been gone and Adam was sitting on a chair next to his bed with a tray of breakfast on the night stand next to him.

There was nothing wrong with Adam. At first it was almost like Mike had wanted it to be something wrong with the man, just so he could tell Harvey about that and he would throw him out. At a practically low moment his mind started making up plans on how he could sabotage for the nurse just to make that happen. Maybe if he skipped a few pills and got worse. But as soon as he had the thought he cursed himself. What was he doing? Was he that much of an idiot? Sometimes he thought that he was. No, he just had to accept the situation. But it was hard sometimes.

And that day Harvey had been gone until late. They barely spoke during the whole day. Mike had wanted to call him, but had fallen asleep before he could get his phone. He did sleep a lot now. Donna had stopped by for a couple of hours around lunch, but other than that Adam was his only company. It wasn’t who he wanted.

-SUITS-

Harvey wasn’t sure he had made the right choice. Deep down he knew he had because he had needed help with Mike and Mike’s doctor had been pleased with his decision. He had spoken something about the possible benefits from having a constant care taker there. Routines were good for someone in Mike’s positions. And now with Adam there it was possible for Mike to receive more treatments at home, which spared him from some of the hospital visits. They still went there a few times a week though.

Today Harvey was trying to focus on the e-mail he was supposed to write to a client. Mike and Adam’s voices were distracting him though. Lately Mike had been doing a little bit worse, he was just a little bit weaker and it affected his mood. He was often in pain as well and the last few days he had taken to trembling almost like he was freezing. Harvey could tell every time he was hurting. He had a certain tight expression on his face and would constantly make small movements almost like he unconsciously tried to get away. Whenever the meds didn’t work as they should the pain also effected Mike’s mood. He easily got easily annoyed and would snap at both him and Adam. The next minute he would look close to tears and say that he was sorry. It was like anything could set him off, the smallest thing. Harvey knew that it was wrong but he found that he went to the office more often now.

Adam had turned out to be a great asset. Donna had also said that she thought she could notice a difference in Harvey. “You seem healthier.” Had been her comment. And maybe that was true. He wasn’t as stressed now. He trusted Adam with taking care of Mike, even though he had only been there about two weeks now.

Mike seemed to be fine with it as well. At least he hadn’t said anything else about it, and Harvey hadn’t asked. Maybe he was a coward not doing so. Was he afraid of what Mike might say?

“No, I don’t want to eat.” He could hear Mike’s voice saying. He couldn’t make out what Adam was answering him. He could only hear the man’s voice as a low murmur. However he must have argued that Mike needed the energy or something because Mike’s voice interrupted him.

“No I don’t.”

Harvey tried to focus again, but Mike’s voice grew louder and he sounded more annoyed. Harvey typed a few sentences. He had taken on a low profile case. Not one of the normal cases he handled but it was something.

“No, I’m not. No I don’t want you to.” Mike snapped.

He typed another sentence.

“No. I don’t want to. I don’t want you here.” Mike sounded more upset than annoyed now. Adam answered him something.

“I want Harvey to do it then.” Mike exclaimed. Harvey removed his hands from the key board and sat up straighter in an effort to hear better. He really wanted to walk over there but the other day Adam had asked Harvey to not come running every time Mike called, because if he did, what was the point of him being there, he had said.

“Mike clearly prefer you in front of me, and if he notices that all he has to do is call for you for you to come running it will be hard for me to do my job and it will be worse for Mike at times when you won’t be home, or can’t come.”

Harvey had argued, he had just had to, but Adam was right. It was a good thing if Mike trusted Adam. Harvey did spend a lot of time with the kid, but sometimes he took a needed break and Adam would be there instead.

“Harvey!” Mike was calling out for him now. He hesitated for only a moment before he walked over to the room.

“What’s up?” He asked.

“Tell him to leave!” Mike exclaimed, red-faced. Harvey threw Adam a look.

“He is just trying to help you Mike.”

“Well, I don’t want him to help me. Just get out. Just leave me alone!” The last part directed towards the nurse.

“You will feel better if you eat something.” Adam said and Harvey nodded.

“I don’t want to eat!” Mike yelled making Harvey a bit annoyed at the behavior.

“You will anyway, and you will let Adam help you.” He said and steeled himself at Mike’s look of betrayal. Like expected it ended up with Mike yelling at him too and telling them to leave him alone. Adam got up to comply and with a last look at Mike Harvey followed his example.

Adam walked a head of Harvey and took a seat at the dining room table. He looked relaxed but when Harvey watched him he saw the bigger man’s eyes wander back towards Mike’s room now and again. Suddenly he looked up and saw that Harvey was watching him. He smiled and nodded towards the chair on the other side of the table. Harvey sat down on it.

“He’s having a rough day today, but I bet he is hungry.” The nurse said. “We’ll just give him a few minutes to collect himself and calm down, then you could go to him and help him with his dinner. He didn’t have any lunch today. Or he did, but he threw it up.”

Harvey grimaced but nodded. Then he waited for about ten minutes before he deemed it appropriate to walk back into Mike’s room again. They had respected his wishes to be alone, but he was just going to go and see if maybe Mike wanted his company now. Without Adam there.

The sight that met him when he stepped into the room was heartbreaking.

Mike had tried unsuccessfully to serve himself the plate of food. He had been trying to lift it down on his lap to eat it, but had failed to do so and had spilled what looked like half of the food down onto the bed. With trembling hands he was trying to get the food back onto the plate. His attention was on the plate and he didn’t seem like he had noticed that tears of frustration were running down his cheeks. He froze when he noticed Harvey standing there, his mouth opening and closing.

“Let me.” Harvey said and took a fork and managed to get the rest back onto the plate pretty quickly. Mike hadn’t said anything, just watched Harvey with wide eyes. But when Harvey tried to take the plate from his hand and put it away to be able to get rid of the mess on the bed, Mike’s grip tightened.

“Mike?” Harvey asked and watched how Mike’s lips trembled along with the rest of him. He didn’t let go of the plate though.

"I'm hungry. I am.” Mike breathed. “I…I’m hungry. I want to eat it.”

“Okay, I know but I was just going to heat it up again for you.”

When Mike still didn’t let go Harvey carefully pried Mike’s finger away before leaving the room.

Mike looked relieved when Harvey came back with the plate, like he hadn’t expected Harvey to do so. Sometimes he didn’t get what was going on inside the kids head.

He put the plate down and sat on the chair. “Do you want me to help you?” He asked and waited.

Mike wouldn’t meet his gaze but nodded after a moment, so Harvey settled with the plate in one hand and the fork in the other. When he brought the first bite up towards Mike’s face his mouth remained shut and he leaned his head away.

“Come on.” Harvey said kindly as he waited. Finally Mike complied and turned his head and opened his mouth.

“It’s not a big deal. We have done this before. Sometimes you need a bit more help and then I will give it to you. And Donna will, and Adam. You have to let us.” He spoke as Mike ate. The younger man didn’t answer. Harvey helped him drink as well.

That night he sent Adam home early and spent the entire evening next to Mike.

As Mike was sleeping next to him he couldn’t help but thinking about earlier today. It was the first time Mike had refused help from the nurse. Harvey could understand his reluctance though, he wouldn’t want to be fed either. But the way he had found him later trying so hard just to manage such a simple task at eating, without success. Harvey could just imagine what that did to Mike’s feeling of self-worth. It had to feel so humiliating. Sure Harvey had tried to make him feel okay, but he wasn’t sure it was enough. That scared him too. If he just could get better.

He stayed in Mike’s room for a long time that night. Mike still struggled with nightmares now and then and it didn’t go many nights without Harvey having to calm him down. Mike would sometimes call out for him to just come and keep him company for a while. He said he couldn’t sleep, or maybe he was in pain. It wasn’t often he admitted that he was hurting, only when Harvey asked him directly. That was something at least.

Harvey suspected that he was scared as well, Mike must have noticed his own decline. Everyone who saw him noticed. Louis had stopped by one night and after Mike had fallen asleep on them after dinner Louis had turned to Harvey with a serious expression and carefully asked how long Mike had left. Harvey had just said that Mike was still hanging in there, because he was.

The next morning was just like most. Harvey woke Mike so that he could take his meds and eat breakfast. Mike had half a toast and some yoghurt.

"Adam is coming after lunch.” Harvey told the younger man.

Mike groaned.

"He isn’t that bad Mike.” Harvey said and glanced at the kid. Mike frowned a little and glared at him. He opened his mouth but closed promptly again.

“You don’t have anything to complain about, do you?”

Mike shrugged. “I guess not. He is cool.” He said. He didn’t look at Harvey.

“What is bothering you then?” Harvey asked calmly. He knew it was something. “Mike?”

“It’s just that when he is here you are not.” Mike said quietly after some time.

“Oh.” Harvey just said. He didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t help but feeling a bit touch at the same time as he felt guilty. Mike was right though, often when Adam was there Harvey kept out of the way. It wasn’t intentionally, it just happened. And it felt a bit strange to watch the nurse work. He still wasn’t used to having a stranger in his condo. Sometimes when Adam tended to Mike, checked his heart rate or something, Harvey would step out. Mike had noticed that of course. He would keep that in mind from now on.

That evening Harvey carefully made his way into Mike’s bedroom. Mike was sleeping but looked restless. Before he left Adam had said that Mike had a fever. Harvey tried to gently lay down on his back next to Mike, however his movements wasn’t as graceful as he would have liked and as he settled with his phone in his hands and opening his e-mail Mike stirred and blinked up at him.

“What are you doing?” he slurred.

”What does it look like I’m doing?” Harvey asked and noticed how Mike regarded him for a long time without saying anything, blinking slowly. 

“Answering e-mails.” He finally said relaxing against his pillows.

“Damn right.” Harvey muttered.

A moment later Mike’s warm arm flopped down next to his own and he felt how Mike’s hand rested against him. Mike just wanted to feel the connection between them, wanting to be reassured Harvey was there.

“I’m here.” He mumbled and turned his attention back to his phone. “Right here. Go back to sleep.”

Mike did do just that. Harvey spent about two hours there on the bed next to him, but after that the batteries on his phone started to go low. Mike shuddered and moaned a little in his sleep next to him.

It pained him to see Mike like this. It also scared him. Mike barely had the strength to do much of anything by himself anymore. Hell, he could barely eat by himself. Not that he wanted to eat much to begin with. What he did most was sleep. Mostly in his bed, but they also got him to the couch sometimes. And the other day Adam brought him out on the balcony. Adam had arranged for him to lay in one of the sun chairs Harvey had out there. The nurse had covered it in blankets and pillows and when he got Mike out there, just as many blankets ended up on Mike. He also had a scarf and a knitted hat on the kid making Mike barely visible.

“Some fresh air is always good.” Adam had said before going to lay down on the chair next to the kid. Harvey had been watching them from inside the condo and smiled when Mike offered Adam a pillow. When he joined them thirty minutes later Mike was fast asleep and Adam looked pleased.

The nap in the fresh air seemed to have been doing him good because Mike was doing better that evening.

The next evening it was decided that Adam would stay overnight for the first time. Harvey had arranged for a small cot to be placed in Mike’s room. He didn’t know why he hadn’t done that sooner. But when he had stayed in Mike’s room during the night he had slept on Mike’s bed. Mike wasn’t happy about the whole thing.

“It’s weird. Don’t you think it’s weird?” He whined.

“Would you rather he slept next to you?” Harvey asked, watching as Mike’s face turned red.

“No.” He muttered. “You’re an idiot.”

The next morning Mike was pale and quiet. Adam told Harvey he had had a nightmare the night before.

“Was it a bad one?” Harvey asked.

Adam nodded a bit. “I think so. He was pretty upset for a while.” The other man hesitated.

“Did he ask for me?” Harvey asked, guessing the answer.

“He did.”

“You can get me next time.” Harvey said, ending the conversation there. It annoyed him that the nurse hadn’t done that. If Mike asked for him he wanted to be there. He walked over to Mike’s bedroom and closed the door behind him. Mike was awake, busy with staring up at the ceiling, but looked up in surprise when Harvey stepped inside. Harvey sat down on the bed.

“How are you feeling kid?” He asked. Mike just sighed and shrugged his shoulders a bit.

“I heard you had a nightmare.” He then said and Mike nodded.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Mike wouldn’t look at him now, but swallowed hard. Harvey reached out and took his hand in his. Mike grasped his hand tightly in his. It was trembling, Harvey didn’t know the cause of it. They stayed like that for a while.

However Mike didn’t say anything about last night and Harvey didn’t push him. He went to the office for a bit while Mike was sleeping after lunch. Adam said it was fine.

It was after the third night of Adam staying over that Mike said something. It was more like he exploded. Harvey hadn’t know he was healthy enough to yell like that.

The kid had woken up on the wrong side and was agitated and annoyed. Adam was there and Mike questioned everything the man did. Adam was listening to Mike’s heart and needed Mike to stay still. He wasn’t interested in doing so at all. Harvey heard how Adam asked him time after time. They kept at it, and Mike even debated taking his meds. Adam asked him a question and Mike was downright rude to him. Harvey decided to step in at that point.

“Mike, dial it down a bit would you. Are you listening to yourself?”

“No, I’m not, but neither is anyone else. So what’s your point?”

“What’s with you?”

“Nothing is with me, Harvey. Thanks for asking.” Mike glared at him. Harvey just shook his head and walked out of the room. Mike was in a mood and things wouldn’t get better if he argued with him.

Mike yelled after him. “Yeah, just walk away. I know you don’t want to see me.”

“Mike…” Adam tried.

“Yeah, just shut up and leave me alone.”

“I have to finish this first, then I’ll leave you alone.”

“No, just leave me alone now.”

“After I finish.”

“No, get away from me! I don’t want you here! Leave me the hell alone.” Mike yelled and Harvey heard something fall to the floor. Adam tried to talk to him, but Mike wouldn’t have it. He swore at him.

Adam came out from Mike’s room after that. “I thought it best to give him some space.” He said as he met Harvey’s eyes.

“I’ll talk to him.” Harvey said.

Mike looked pissed when he stepped into his room. His face was red and he was breathing heavily.

“What the hell are you doing?” Harvey asked calmly.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What do you think? You are just dumping me with him. All the time. You just want to get rid of me now, don’t you? I bet you just came in here to tell me off!”

“Well, it sounded like you needed it.”

“Screw you, Harvey.”

“Mike, I think you should just be quiet and think before you speak.”

“I have been quiet, because that’s what you want right? And you hired him, just so you don’t have to deal with me anymore.”

Mike had tears in his eyes now, but he angrily wiped them away.

“You know that’s not true.” Harvey said.

“Do I?” Mike yelled and rubbed his chest. Half of Harvey wanted to yell back, the other half wanted to comfort the kid and wipe away that look he had on his face. The better half won, luckily.

He surprised Mike by sitting down on his bed. “I’m sorry if you don’t, Mike.” he said. Mike looked at him for a long time and then his eyes flooded over, and he bit back a sob.

“I wanted you to be here last night.” He said. “But you weren’t here. Only he was.” He breathed deeply and coughed a little.

“I’ve told Adam, to get me if you asked for me.”

“You didn’t tell me that.”

“Sorry.” He put a hand on Mike’s shoulder. “Adam isn’t here because I want to get rid of you. He is just here to help us.”

“Yeah, I know. I just miss you sometimes.” He looked away.

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. If you need me, I’m here.”

“Well, I need you.” Mike looked up at him, and all Harvey could do was nod.

He spent the rest of the day visible to Mike. After a short nap the two of them had a longer conversation and Harvey understood that Mike felt a bit neglected by him. Mike knew that Harvey didn’t mean anything by it, but he said that he felt like Harvey thought he was too much trouble now and had hired Adam to not have to be bothered as much with him. He said that he didn’t think that was the case, it was just what it felt like for him, and he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Harvey was pretty sure he managed to convince Mike he thought wrong and that he was just not used to having someone else there with him and that he felt a bit uncomfortable when Adam worked. Mike had smirked and told him to get over it. Harvey promised to try.

-SUITS-

After his little outburst things had actually become a bit better. He had embarrassed himself again that day, especially since he was pretty sure Adam had heard every word. If he had he didn’t show it.

Harvey did stay with him more after that. He was working hard on getting over the awkwardness or whatever he was feeling when Adam was there. Harvey had also made him promise to be more open to Adam, to give him a chance. Mike thought he had been doing that from the start, it just wasn’t the same since Adam was getting paid from taking care of him.

After his latest hospital visit he had gotten some semi-good news. His latest test results wasn’t totally terrible. He was doing slightly better than before. He still sucked at walking or moving, but his heart was still able to keep him alive, which was good news.

Harvey had gone with him to the hospital and he thought that the good news deserved a celebration. Mike didn’t really agree since his doctor also had said that he still could get worse and die at any time. He didn’t say it with those exact words but it was what he meant according to Mike. Harvey however, chose to not focus on that. Instead he invited Donna and Rachel over to the condo for dinner that night. He fell asleep on the couch leaning against Donna’s arm. It was a pretty nice night after all.

Adam was giving him a hard time today, he kept going on about that they should go for a walk. Mike declined politely, but the nurse wouldn’t let it go. Making Mike annoyed at the man. Why wouldn’t he just let it go?

“What’s the point?!” Mike eventually exclaimed. “I’m going to die anyway! No fresh air is going to change that!” he hadn’t meant to say it, but when he did, he found that it felt good to say it. He didn’t know what kind of reaction he had expected from Adam, and maybe the one he got shouldn’t have surprised him.

“Yeah, is that right.” He said. “Then why are you doing this huh? Why are you waking up getting out of bed every day, why do you take your medication, if you are dying anyway? Why are you just prolonging it?”

“What?” Mike breathed. “I…” He didn’t how to respond. “I don’t want to die.” He ended and rolled his eyes.

“Clearly. That’s why you do all of this. And that’s why we will go for a walk as well.”

“I guess we are.” Mike muttered. So they did. Adam dressed him in about two layers too much but didn’t care when Mike complained.

“I can barely walk like this.” He said as he stumbled over to the wheelchair.

“Good thing you are not walking then.” Adam said as they left the condo.

“Where are we going?” Mike asked when they had gotten two blocks away from Harvey’s place.

“I don’t know. Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. I don’t care. The park?”¨

“Oh come on, that’s boring. Isn’t it?”

Mike shrugged. It was actually kind of nice to be outside. He realized that he had missed it. He did his best with ignoring the people they past. He knew they were staring. They don’t know what I’m going through, he thought, they don’t know.

Suddenly Adam stopped outside a fancy building. “It’s a museum, isn’t it?” Adam said. “You want to head inside?”

“If you want to.”

Adam didn’t answer, just steered Mike towards the entrance. He stopped right outside looking up at the information sign on the wall.

“What the hell!” he swore, then excusing himself deeply to the woman with two children standing next to them. Mike smirked.

“It’s just so expensive.” Adam added to Mike when he was done. “I mean it’s just some old house right?” He glanced back up at the sign. “I bet I can get us in for free.” He whispered.

Mike frowned. “What are you talking about? It doesn’t even look that interesting.”

“I’ll bet you 20 bucks.”

Mike shook his head. “That’s more than the entrance fee.”

“You are a lawyer aren’t you, you pay then.”

“No, no. You’re on. Let’s do it.” He didn’t doubt that Adam would succeed, but he actually found this a bit amusing.

The entrance wasn’t really handicap adapted so Adam had some trouble with the chair, getting it up the two steps. Mike offered stepping out of it.

“No, no, no. It’s part of the plan sit tight.”

Adam groaned loudly when they got inside, and wiping his face as if he was sweating. He placed Mike a short distance from the counter where two people were sitting to take the entrance fees from the visitors.

“That wasn’t easy.” He loudly complained. The woman behind the counter looked up and her eyes stopped on Mike in his chair.

“Oh.” She said.

“Yeah, he is heavier than he looks. I had to carry him inside here.”

“I’m sorry. But we do have a ramp, you should have just let us know, and we would have…”

“And what? Leave him alone outside? That’s not possible.”

“Oh..okay.”

“But it’s okay.” Adam leaned closer. “I’ll carry him twenty steps if I had too. This might be the last time he is outside, you know.” He put on a sad face and looked over towards Mike. When the woman didn’t see, he blinked at Mike.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” She said looking worriedly at Mike. Adam subtly kicked him a bit on his leg. Mike jerked and stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

“I just wanted to see…this… before.” He said in a small voice.

After that they had her and they didn’t only get in for free, the woman also pressed a small book about the museum in Mike’s hands offering to give them a free tour.

Adam shook her hand and politely declined and then steered Mike inside.

As soon as they were out of earshot Adam started laughing and Mike soon joined him.

“That was almost too easy.” Adam chuckled. “You owe me 20 bucks.”

“No way! I helped you. I’ll give you half.”

It turned out to be a pretty boring place and the exhibition didn’t catch Mike’s nor Adams interest and they ended up leaving after only twenty minutes.

“Got to give him his meds.” Adam apologetically told the friendly worker as they passed her. She waved at Mike and when they got outside the ramp she had been talking about was laid out for them.

“Oh god, now I feel bad.” Adam said as they started to walk back to the condo. Mike just laughed.

“I can die in peace now having seen that.”

“Yes you can, my man.” The nurse sniggered. “You can.”

-SUITS-

Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I got kind of stuck on this chapter, but here you go. Let me know what you think! I love your reviews. I realize some of you thought that the last few chapters were a bit repetitive, so I hope this one is a bit different. I'm planing one more bad one for Mike (and maybe a bit repetitive as well :P), but then I want to change it a bit and start to finish the story. I have a few plans on how to do so, but I don't know how many chapters that will take me. Hope you are still reading and enjoying the story!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! Hope you will enjoy this chapter :) Let me know what you think!


	53. Chapter 53

Excited voices met Harvey when he stepped inside his condo. Was that Mike laughing? He found himself just stopping to listen with a rising feeling of ease inside him. The fact that Mike was in a good mood was really good news because maybe then Harvey wouldn’t have to feel guilty about not being home today. He couldn’t help but be in a state of constant guilt whenever he left the apartment. Not that he did it a lot but it happened. Mike had expressed a dislike about it but they talked it over and Mike seemed to accept that Harvey would be away now and then.

Donna was of the opinion that this would be best for all of them, and to some extent Harvey agreed. Mike couldn’t depend on him with everything. He would have to handle someone else’s care as well. And now by the sound of it he did.

When Harvey stepped into the living room Mike was slouched down in a hoodie on the couch covered with two blankets. Adam was sitting in a chair that he had moved to the side so that he was closer to Mike. Harvey tried to not look for scratch marks on the floor. They were watching some of those ridiculous shows that Mike seemed to enjoy.

“Hi. What’s up?” He greeted them and went to the kitchen.

“Hey!” Mike called out.

Adam got up and walked over to greet him. Harvey was told about which meds Mike had been taken and which that were left to take.

“He is probably going to be tired tonight. We went out a bit today.”

“You did? Was that wise? He’ll get sick. Sicker.” Harvey said.

“It was great Harvey, we went to a museum.” Mike answered in Adams place. Harvey saw how the two shared a look and both smirked.

“Really?” Harvey glanced at Adam. “Well I would like to be noticed in advance next time you think about going out when he is in this condition.”

“Of course.” The nurse answered.

“Come on Harvey!” Mike groaned. He still hadn’t changed his position on the couch so he wasn’t looking at them. “It was fun.” Harvey could hear something in his voice that stopped him from discussing the fact that Mike and Adam had went outside while Mike was as weak as he was. He didn’t want to be that person that pointed out the risk Mike had been exposed to. But Adam should know about those right? He must have deemed Mike well enough for a trip outside.

Adam left a while later and Harvey joined Mike on the couch with some take out, Mike refusing to eat much more than a couple of bites and was asleep before the movie they were watching ended.

Harvey studied his sleeping friend for a moment. The hood of Mike’s sweater had slipped down a bit revealing his hairless head. However he looked a bit more alive than normal with rosy cheeks.

A few hours later he woke Mike to help him to bed. He had to shake him a bit for him to wake up, but he didn’t complain when Harvey helped him to stand up and to get to the bathroom. Harvey let him sit on the toilet while he got Mike’s meds and then gave him his toothbrush. They didn’t speak, Harvey content with being quiet and Mike obviously too tired to do anything else then brush his teeth.

“You coming?” Harvey asked when they were done. Mike was just sitting there, slumped and leaning back against the seat.

“I don’t think I can.” Mike said.

“You can’t stay here.”

“I told you I can’t.” Mike wasn’t looking up at him.

“You can at least try.”

Mike shook his head and Harvey just nodded and went for the wheelchair. That was the better option. His back would suffer if he started carry Mike around, and besides Mike wouldn’t want him to do that.

Mike sat stiff in the chair as Harvey pushed him inside his room.

“You okay?” Harvey asked him as they stopped in front of the bed. Mike only nodded a little but didn’t move.

”Well, you feel a bit warm.” Harvey told him as he heaved him out of the chair and onto the bed.

“Just a fever I guess.” Mike mumbled and closed his eyes and pulled the cover over himself.

Harvey sighed. “You shouldn’t have been outside today.”

“It won’t kill me. It was just some fresh air.”

“It can kill you, you know that. It was stupid Mike.”

“It’s probably not even from that. Don’t you know that you can’t get sick just from being cold? Because you can’t.”

“You read that somewhere did you?” Harvey cleared some space on the night stand and connected Mike’s phone to the charger. “You feel okay? No pain?”

“No.”

“You’re not in pain or you don’t feel okay?”

“I feel okay, no pain.”

“Alright. You call me if you get worse during the night.”

“Okay.” Mike’s eyes were already closed but Harvey hesitated in the doorway. He watched how Mike’s chest slowly moved up and down. He had one arm across his chest. Harvey shrugged a little and then went back into the room and sat down. After a minute or two Mike’s eyes opened and he watched Harvey for a moment. He smiled a little.

“Good night.” He then said.

”Good night Mike.”

The next morning had Harvey wanting to say I told you so, to both Mike and Adam. Mike was clearly sick, as in he had a cold and fever. He did try to pretend that he was feeling fine but Harvey didn’t buy it for a second. It was a pretty pathetic attempt and besides he had developed a cough that gave him away. Mike rolled his eyes at him when Harvey couldn’t help himself with pointing it all out.

“I’m sick? What else is new?” He muttered and turned on his side on the couch, closing his eyes.

Mike slept a lot. Adam worked hard on getting him to eat something but Mike was stubborn. Harvey stayed at home that day but still managed to get some work done while Mike was passed out.

He also spent a couple of hours on the couch with Mike. Or at first they shared the couch but then Mike asked if he could lay down, so Harvey moved to a chair.

Harvey found himself watching Mike more than the movie he had put on. Was his breathing all right? What if that fever he had got worse? Mike had an appointment at the hospital tomorrow and Harvey was going with him. He dreaded it because he was afraid that they would be more bad news. Mike was stable at the moment, but they all knew that it could change in seconds. And Harvey just wanted a break for the both of them. Or maybe even some good news for a change.

Mike was breathing deeply with his mouth slightly open, probably because his nose was stuffed. He blinked slowly making Harvey think that he was about to fall asleep, but he didn’t. He kept watching the movie, or at least looking at the screen. Harvey wasn’t even sure if Mike was aware of which film they were watching.

Suddenly Mike’s whole body jerked, startling Harvey, and he began to cough violently. He didn’t stop which caused Harvey to get up and over to him and drag him upright.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He mumbled when Mike flailed with his arms towards his chest. Harvey sat down next to him and held him up as he lightly hit Mike’s back, until the cough died down.

“Ow…that sucked.” Mike groaned as he leaned back, totally spent.

“Yeah, I bet.” Harvey went to get him a glass of water that Mike took and carefully drank.

“Thanks.” He handed the glass back and Harvey saw how he rubbed at his chest. He went to get the pain killers as well then.

Later that night Mike didn’t want to sleep. He told Harvey time and time again.

“Fine! I get it.” Harvey eventually said. ”You don’t want to sleep.”

It was a long night for both of them. Harvey got slightly irritated but then felt guilty for it. Mike’s coughing seemed to get worse. It seemed like it was now preventing him from falling asleep. Nothing that they tried against it helped much.

The hospital visit the next day went without any problems except for Mike being grumpy for having to go. He underwent some test while Harvey waited. They spoke to Mike’s doctor for a while as well. He thought it was too early still for Mike to take up chemotherapy again so they were going to wait with that.

“So you are just going to do nothing?” Mike had asked.

“Not nothing Mike. You are still on a heavy dose of medication and we are monitoring your heart closely to detect anything out of the ordinary. But right now that is all I want to do.”

“Because I can’t handle the chemo or what?”

“It wouldn’t be advisable at the moment, no.”

Mike shared a worried look with Harvey and the older man fought the urge to just get up and take Mike out of there to make that look go away.

“Besides Mike you also have a pretty high fever and you know how it is then. As soon as your values are better we'll look through our options on how to continue.”

“Do we have other options than the chemo?” Harvey asked.

“We'll see.” Was the only answer he got.

Later that afternoon Adam came over to start a night shift. Mike’s coughing had gotten even worse by now and Adam had him taking some cough medicine.

“It taste like crap.” Harvey could hear Mike complain.

“There is worse things than that.” Adam said.

“Yeah, like what?”

“Oh I know tons of things. Like for example this medicine against worms in your stomach..”

“Okay, stop. I believe you.”

Mike threw up two hours later. Harvey was called into Mike’s room from the commotion to find Mike laying exhausted with something gross-looking next to him. Adam was wiping the bedsheets next to him.

“Why didn’t you help him!?” Harvey found himself asking.

“I had no warning. I’m helping him now.”

“Yeah but he threw up on himself. You should have prevented that. What were you doing?”

“Harvey…” Mike weakly said his name only to start coughing from it.

“Don’t talk.” Harvey squeezes his shoulder and Mike closed his eyes.

“I got him.” Adam quietly said.

Harvey left without a word. He thought that was for the better. He didn’t want to argue, especially not in front of Mike. But he couldn’t help wanting to blame Adam.

_-SUITS-_

Mike felt lousy. Everything just sucked and he wanted to go back to sleep but Adam insisted that he changed clothes first. Probably a good thing to do since he had thrown up on what he was wearing now. But changing meant sitting up and he felt too nauseous for that.

“You know what man, it was probably the cough meds. They probably didn’t mix well with your other meds. I’ll make a note of that. We’ll try something else.”

“Okay.”

“You still feel bad? I need you to sit up so that I can remove your shirt.”

Mike repulsively swallowed and battled a sudden urge to start crying. He nodded a bit and started to sit up. He should just get it over with.

At least Adam was effective because he could soon lay down again. Adam gave him some water to rinse his mouth with and then sat down next to him on the chair Harvey used to sit in.

Somehow he couldn’t get out of his head that Harvey somehow blamed him for getting sick. He knew it wasn’t so, but still, Harvey wasn’t there anymore now. He had seemed a bit annoyed earlier. Mike wished he would come back. He glanced towards the door. No Harvey.

Adam asked if he wanted to be read to and Mike said yes. He managed to fall asleep listening to Adams deep voice.

He woke from a violent coughing spell that just wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t breathe and felt dizzy.  When he was somewhat aware again only Adam was there.

“What time is it?” He rasped.

“Half past eight. You should try and eat something. I’ll get it for you. Any preferences?”

“No I can’t eat.”

“You are going to try.” Adam decided for him. Mike just closed his eyes in defeat. Apparently it didn't matter what he said. He felt nauseous at the sight of the food that Adam brought. He tried to refuse but had nothing for it. It was just awful to have to force it down.

He threw up again, he slept, woke and felt sick and uncomfortable. He was coughing and felt so hot. He just wished for it all to stop. Harvey wasn't there either. Or at least he was pretty sure he hadn't seen Harvey there.

He asked Adam where he was, he asked Adam to bring him.

“Are you sure Mike? I think he is sleeping. It's little after one in the morning.”

“Yes, I'm sure.”

Adam nodded, but still didn't move. “What do you want him here for? I'll help you with whatever it is. Why don't we let him sleep for now Mike?” Adam said while patting his elbow and Mike wanted to cry again.

“But...” He started but stopped himself.

“It will be fine. You are okay Mike. Try and sleep.”

He just wanted Harvey to make him feel better. He turned carefully on his side with his back against Adam. He heard the other man settle down in the chair again.

His self-esteem was crushed so low he didn't know what to do with himself at this point. He felt alone and confused. The familiar feeling of a dark hole growing inside him was back and it was nothing he could do to stop the dark thought from attacking his mind. Thoughts about his weaknesses, his faults and the burden he was putting on the people he loved. He wasn't capable of coping with those thoughts and he didn't think he could hold it in. But only Adam was there. No one else wanted to help him, and Adam just wouldn't get Harvey. For a moment he actually considered screaming, but that was just stupid. He couldn't do that.

He dragged a pillow closer to him and hugged him. His throat hurt as he coughed. He tried to not think, he tried to force himself to empty his mind and go to sleep. It didn't work at all. He felt his whole body shake at the next coughing fit. His throat burned. He cursed the damn coughing and waved Adam away when he tried to hand him a glass of water.

He broke at the next one. Just couldn't take it. He pressed the pillow against his face and let it out. He shrugged Adam’s hands off him and cried harder. He ignored Adam’s attempts to talk to him. He didn't care. He wasn't going to get any help from him anyway. Adam didn't care, not really. He was just there to stop him from dying, nothing else. Not like Harvey was. But Harvey didn't show up and Mike cried until he fell asleep.

That night was terrible. The coughing woke him up multiple times and every time he felt worse. Hated it. Wanted the pain gone.

He groaned when he woke up in the morning. Adam was there again.

“Hi, good morning Mike. I hope you are feeling better.” He greeted him and tried to hand him a glass of water. Mike accepted it. He took a mouthful and swallowed it painfully. He had a really bad headache and his throat felt worse than before. Only a few minutes passed before he started coughing again. The pain mixed with his exhaustion brought tears to his eyes.

“Oh, I guess not man.” Adam said. “I'll get your meds.” He disappeared.

Mike just shook his head at Adam’s tries to get him to take his medication. He couldn't do it right now. He had just woken up and nothing was better than the night before. It was worse.

Finally Harvey came.

“Oh, bad night?” He said as he saw Mike. Adam confirmed while Mike looked away from both of them. Then came the tirade about him having to take the medication. Mike ignored them, ignored it all. What could they do? Force them down his throat?

Apparently Harvey was prepared to try that, because he rose Mike’s bed so that he was sitting up and then Harvey wanted to know what was wrong. Mike felt annoyed, Harvey hadn't been there yesterday. He should have been.

“Please Mike, just take the pills.” Harvey asked.

“Fine!” He answered.

Every pill felt three times larger than normal and the second round he took almost dissolved in his mouth as he prepared to swallow. The whole time Harvey sat there beside his bed and encouraged him like nothing had happened. Mike bit his tongue not to cry. Every time he did swallow it hurt like hell, so did the damn coughing.

“Tell me what's wrong Mike.” Harvey said.

“What isn't?” Mike retorted and Harvey sighed and nodded.

“Well, is it anything I can do?”

There was. “Stay.”

“I can do that, kid. Adam is getting you some breakfast and then he is leaving for a few hours. He’ll be here for tonight again.”

Mike didn't bother with answering. He just leaned away from Harvey. Harvey stroked his arm a little.

Adam came with some yogurt and toast for breakfast and said goodbye shortly after. It was obviously Harvey's task to try and get him to eat. He flat out refused. Not like this. Later, he tried. Harvey nodded and let him be then.

It was a pretty awful day that followed. His throat was doing its best to kill him Mike decided. Nothing really helped much. Harvey had him try different things, both hot tea and ice cream. It helped a little but wasn't worth the pain to swallow.

He just laid there on his bed trying to wait it out. He tried to avoid both breathing and swallowing. He was very unsuccessful in doing that. After a particularly bad coughing fit he just felt like crying, so he did a bit, hiding behind his hands.  Harvey who had been with him all morning tried to sooth him.

He had begged Harvey not to leave and slightly embarrassed himself again. But screw it he thought, it was worth it.

“I needed you last night too.” He told Harvey. “You weren't there.”

Harvey had apologized and told him that he would speak with Adam about it.

He managed to fall asleep around lunch when he woke up again, from coughing, Donna was there for a visit. She had brought some cough drops that didn't really help either. Only a little. However they tasted gross. Donna looked sad when he told her so he took another one anyway just to make her happier. She spent two hours holding his hand while laying next to him on his bed. It helped.

He was a mess though, he barely knew what he was doing or saying. He just wanted the coughing to end. He had cramps in his stomach after them as well. Harvey found that somewhat amusing.

“This is the only workout you have had in forever. Of course you get cramps.” He said as he tried not so smile. Mike was not amused. He turned his back on Harvey and cried a little into a pillow as the next fit came. Harvey apologized and patted his back for probably half an hour after that.

He felt sad when Adam came again. It wasn't fair to the nurse but that meant that Harvey most likely would disappear. Mike thought he could sense some tension between the two men. At least from Harvey's side.

He didn't look forward to another night like the previous one.

It was first decided that he needed to eat something before going to sleep for the night. Harvey agreed with Adam, he needed some nutrition in him apparently. Eating was torturous. No one listen to him though when he tried to tell them that.

Harvey left while Adam was helping him. He said that he had a few calls to make. Donna had left him a few messages that he needed to respond to.

Something, eating or drinking caused him to have the worst coughing fit yet. He couldn't breathe and actually got scared. That pain was terrible as well, he wouldn't have been surprised if he had caused holes in his throat from coughing so violently. He even threw up from it. Everything was in a blur of constant coughing, throwing up and coughing some more. Harvey was there for a bit, then he was gone again. He was so exhausted when it finally died down that he practically passed out.

_-SUITS-_

 It tore in Harvey to see Mike like this. It almost hurt in him as well as he helplessly watched Mike cough yet again. So far it had been a terrible day. Nothing they did seemed to help.

After a calm and collected phone call to the hospital Harvey was recommended some cough drops that were supposed to be strong and effective. He had called Donna and she had brought them with her and stayed a couple of hours with them. He could see on her how shocked she was to see Mike in the condition he now was in. She spent a long time next to Mike on his bed. It looked like Mike appreciated it. He appreciated that more than those cough drops she brought. He claimed that they tasted gross, making Harvey wanting to shove a few of them down his throat, at least just a little.

He just hated the feeling of being unable to do anything to help when he saw that Mike was suffering. It did something to him. It made him angry. He also could not help feeling angry at Adam for not coming to get him last night, after Mike told him about it.

The day passed slowly and Harvey couldn’t concentrate on anything other than Mike. He really did try and help him. He tried to pull Mike’s hands away from clawing at his throat which he did after a bad fit. He managed to stop him from scratching himself. Mike didn’t even seem to notice what he was doing. He just pulled his hand out of Harvey’s grip.

Harvey’s heart broke a little when he had to sit there and watch how Mike turned away from him and pressed his face into a pillow, and his shoulders started shaking. Nothing Harvey said seemed to help. It was like Mike had searched for something to make it better but when he couldn’t find it he just gave up.

Frustrated he sat there and listened to the muffled sounds Mike was making. This wasn’t worthy. He remembered Mike’s first time in a courtroom, how confident the kid had been then, knowing he was going to win. Mike didn’t know that now. Harvey didn’t think that Mike believed that he was going to win this fight. He almost shook himself were he sat, just thinking about it. He wanted to reach out and shake Mike and yell at him to fight harder, to not let the illness do this to him.

That wouldn’t help at all though, he knew that. He did the other thing he thought was going to help more. He moved closer to be able to reach Mike’s back. At every stroke he could feel Mike’s ribs.

Sitting there he couldn’t help but thinking that what if this was the beginning of the end. He hated himself for even having those kind of thoughts, but they just crept over him without him being able to stop it. And he knew that it was a real possibility, of course he knew that.

No, he had to think more positive. This that Mike was fighting now was just a cold. He just had a bad cough. A totally useless cold that just made Mike’s existence so much harder. He was pretty sure that if Mike hadn’t had cancer he would have been at work going through files and ignoring his coughing. And Harvey would have ignored it too. He would probably have given Mike shit about it, telling him to shut up or something. That wasn’t the case now. Now Mike was laying here totally destroyed and he was crying because he was in pain. That wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t be like that.

Harvey believed it could have been avoided too. Mike shouldn’t have been outside at all like he was with Adam the other day. What had the nurse been thinking?

When Adam arrived a while later Mike had managed to sleep some and was doing a bit better.

“Has he eaten anything?” Adam asked.

“Eh, no. Not much. He has been complaining about that his throat has been hurting so he wasn’t really up for eating.”

Adam nodded. “He probably should now then. I’ll make him something.” The nurse disappeared out in the kitchen and Harvey stayed with Mike. For a moment he wondered if it really fit into Adam’s job description to cook for his patients.

Adam brought back yoghurt with berries in it for Mike. He started to arrange Mike’s bed and Harvey felt like he was in the way.

“I’m not hungry.” Mike rasped, his voice hoarse from all the coughing.

“I bet you aren’t. I didn’t get you that much. You can do it.” Adam encouraged him and Harvey decided to excuse himself.

He was on the phone with Jessica when he was called back to Mike’s room by what sounded like a really bad coughing fit. Harvey felt so sorry for Mike and also a bit scared when it made the kid throw up. He cursed to himself and handed Adam wet paper towel to wipe Mike’s face with. Mike was breathing rapidly and didn’t seem aware of anything that was going around him. Harvey left again after making sure Mike was out of danger. He found that he just didn’t want to be in that room with Mike like this. He just couldn’t right now.

He was tense and swallowed hard as he stepped out of the room. He walked over to the kitchen and pulled out a glass. He just needed a drink. Just one. He needed to calm down and feel some sort of normalcy for a change.

He was sitting by the kitchen island when Adam walked out of Mike’s room.

“Harvey, Mike is asleep for now. He is doing slightly better.” The nurse greeted him.

“You mean he has stopped coughing? Did he throw up again? Is that what you call better?”

“Yes, for now that has stopped.” The nurse answered, not face by Harvey’s tone. “Violent coughing like Mike's can sometimes cause you to throw up, however yesterday I think he threw up because of the cough medicine I was giving him. That seems to be out of his system now though.” Adam smiled and somehow Harvey found that very annoying. What was so funny?

“So you gave him the wrong thing?”

“Well, I suspect that it didn't go well with the pills he is taking for lowering his blood pressure, there have been some problems with that one in other cases. But that’s the reason I haven’t been giving him anything else.”

“Why would you give it to him in the first place if you knew there were side effects?” Harvey asked.

“I thought it was worth a try. That cough is really bothering him.”

“Yeah, and whose fault is that?” Harvey muttered. He knew what he was doing, but it felt good. It was like he needed this. He needed to blame someone, to have someone to be angry at. He couldn’t yell at the cancer.

“Excuse me?” Adam said.

“I wanted to ask you about something else as well.” Harvey ignored his question. “Mike was pretty destroyed this morning. He said that he wanted me there last night. Why didn't you get me?”

Adam nodded. “Yes he was in a really bad condition last night, but we were handling it. Mike and I agreed to let you sleep. But he was really miserable from the coughing. I don't know how aware he was.”

“Aware enough! I have promised him that if he needs me, I'll be there, so I can't have you denying him! You get that?”

Harvey glared at the other man. He felt so angry, he was barely keeping himself in check. But Adam just shrugged now.

“You hired me to be another set of hands so that you could get some rest. I'm just doing my job, Harvey. Mike is going through a rough time at the moment and I'm making sure he is as comfortable as possible.”  

Harvey clenched his fist. He did not agree.

  “No, you know what?! He is not comfortable at all! He is a mess and that's your fault, you know that right!  This is fucking your fault. He wouldn't be like this if you hadn't taken him outside. He got sick after that! You could have killed him! I should sue you for attempted murder!”

Adam just stood there in front of him, licking his lips and taking everything Harvey was throwing in his face. So Harvey kept at it.

“You did this to him. I want you out of my house! I don’t want you here anymore and neither does Mike!”

“Harvey, think about this for a second, I’m here to help you. I’m here to help Mike.”

“Some help you are.”

“Mr. Specter, it was not at all my intention…”

Harvey interrupted him. “I’m not interested in your excuses.”

“Harvey!”

It was Mike this time. His hoarse voice coming from his room. It made Harvey stop himself as he looked over towards the closed door. His yelling must have woken Mike up. He shot one glare at Adam and then turned his back on him and went to Mike, closing the door forcefully behind him. Mike was laying in bed staring at him.

“Raise me up.” He said and Harvey did without a word.

“What are you doing?” Mike then asked.

“I'm getting him out of here.”

Mike shook his head. “Were you even listening to yourself? Because I was, and you sound crazy Harvey. None of this is Adam's fault.”

“Isn't it? He took you outside while you are like this! He gave you cough meds you were basically allergic to, and he didn't get me when you needed me! I'm done with him!”

Mike quietly listened and nodded a little. “He is trying to help us. Not just me, you too. He didn't get you because he wanted you to get some sleep. Sure I wish he would have just…” Mike paused.

“We need help Harvey. I realize that. I do and I know you do too.”

“Yes I do Mike, but…”

“Let him help.”

Harvey rubbed his face and sat down. His frustration was slowly running out of him. Okay, he needed to calm down. Mike was quiet now and wasn't looking at him.

“Fine. So I won't sue him for attempted murder.” He muttered. It caused Mike to start laughing and Harvey smirked himself.

“No, I don't think you can pin this on him.”

“Maybe not. But I can't have him here if he won't do as I tell him.”

“Well, I…” Mike had to stop since he started coughing. Harvey saw how his body tensed in pain at every cough. He wished it was something he could do. Now he just waited. When the kid was done he was holding his neck and had unshed tears in his eyes. He swallowed painfully and looked back at Harvey.

“Don't fight with him, just talk to him. Okay?” He said.

Harvey pressed his lips together but nodded when he met Mike's eyes. “I'll try to do that.”

Mike nodded back and didn't say anything else. Instead he closed his eyes and they sat in silence. Eventually Mike's breaths evened out as he fell back asleep.

Harvey let out a deep breath before returning to the kitchen. Adam was sitting there waiting for him. He raised an eyebrow when Harvey sat down in front of him.

“I guess you are not allowed a glass?” He said as he reached for his glass again.

Adam smiled and shook his head.

“I supposed that wouldn’t be the best idea.” Harvey said. He sighed.

”I hate seeing him like this.” He said next. “I just get pissed. Sorry. I know you are just doing your job.”

Adam nodded again. ”I’m sure he will get better soon.”

“I hope so. I think I’m going to bed. If Mike wakes up I want you to come and get me. Is that understood?”

“Sure, I’ll do that then.” Adam said.

”Good.” Harvey paused a moment. “Thanks.” He said and turned around for the bathroom. When he came back he could see Adam sitting on the chair next to Mike’s bed.

It took him a while to fall asleep. That night Adam woke Harvey up three times. He almost changed his mind about being woken up. He was not comfortable at all with being woken up by the larger man. The first time he couldn’t help but jerk away, causing Adam to apologize. The second time he woke when Adam opened his door. At least he could be there for Mike. He had been in pain and confused. The second time he had dreamt something that wouldn’t leave his mind. He kept asking Harvey where they were and when they were leaving. He cried weakly and reached for Harvey’s hand the third time. Harvey took it and sat there with Mike’s sweaty hand in both of his.

The next morning Mike thankfully didn’t remember much about the night. Or he pretended he didn’t. Either way Harvey didn’t bring it up. He felt almost as exhausted as Mike looked.

While Mike slept Harvey talked once again to Adam.

“I want this to work.” He mention between the two of them. “I just lost it a bit yesterday.”

“When something is bothering you, just let me know and I will do my best to change. I’m just here to help, but if you don’t trust me it will be harder for all of us.”

“Of course.” Harvey nodded. Adam was right.

“I do have a suggestion for you Harvey that I think that will help.”

 “And what is that?”

“I think Mike should be moved to your bedroom.” Adam said.

“What? No way, we are not going to share a bed every night.” Harvey exclaimed but stopped himself as the other man smiled.

“Let me rephrase that. I think Mike’s bed should be move to your room. He would sleep more comfortably with you in the same room as he will feel safer. And feeling safe means that he is calmer and that’s what we want right now.”

Harvey thought about it for a moment. His first thought was to actually wonder why he hadn’t thought about it himself. If they slept in the same room he would notice faster when Mike needed him during the night. And Mike would certainly like it, but there was one thing though.

“Yeah, that might be an idea. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with you coming into my bedroom while I’m sleeping though. If you are going to help out.” He said. He couldn’t help bringing it up, he felt a bit crept out by it.

Adam shrugged his shoulders. “This is what I believe is best for Mike, so maybe you can put that aside.”

He said it so simply that Harvey didn’t know what to answer other than a weak “Okay then.”

So then it was decided. Mike’s bed would be moved into Harvey’s room. They would have to move almost all other furniture’s out of way to make room for it. Adam said that they needed a lot of room in front of the bed for the wheelchair and other equipment that might be needed. They decided to do it as soon as Mike woke up from his nap since he needed to be out of it. Adam’s shift was over but he said that he agreed to stay and help with moving the furniture and Mike’s bed.

Harvey took his laptop and headed to Mike’s room to hang out there until he woke up. He told Adam to go and lay down a bit himself. He had been up all night after all.

Mike stirred about two hours later. He spent about a minute coughing before he settled down after Harvey forced him to drink something.

“You okay?” He asked.

Mike nodded a little. ”Throat hurts, but I’m fine.” He said with his eyes closed.

“Mike, Adam and I have an idea. Or it’s not an idea. It’s happening. Can you look at me?”

He continued when Mike did.

“We are going to move your bed to my room.”

“You are?”

Harvey nodded. ”You are okay with that right?”

Mike looked at him for a long time before he answered. “Yeah. I’m okay with that.”

“Good. We’ll do it now then. I’m getting Adam. We are going to move around the furniture in my room and then move this thing somehow. I bet it’s heavy.” Harvey touched the corner of the bed.

“Havrey wait.”

“What?” He stopped in the door way.

“Are you okay with that?”

“Of course I am. We should have done it a long time ago.”

“Isn’t it weird though? It’s a bit weird.”

“Shut up and try to wake up a bit. You need to be out of the bed if we are going to move it.”

“Or you can move it with me in it?”

“You wish.”

Mike just rolled his eyes and then closed them making no effort at all of getting up. Harvey shook his head at him and then went to wake up Adam. He knew he should feel a bit ashamed of the fact that it felt a bit satisfying to be the one waking up the other this time. Adam seemed unfazed by being woken up, he just stretched his large body out on the couch, it was a bit small for him. He yawned a bit and sat up.

“He in on it?” he asked.

“Yes, let do it.”

They started with moving Mike to the couch were he then sat and came with more or less helpful tips on how they should lift. Harvey was sweating when they were finished after about half an hour. The bed was much heavier than it looked and they had been forced to lift sideways to fit it through the doorways.

“How in hell did you get it in here in the first place?” Adam panted.

“He hired someone of course!” Mike called from the living room.

“Aren’t you going to sleep? You look tired.” Harvey asked him.

”Maybe I will.” Mike said, and was asleep two minutes later.

Adam chuckled at that and left wishing Harvey a good night.

“Yeah, see you later. And it’s not even ten in the morning.”

Adam blinked at him and left. Harvey shook his head and smiled a bit. Adam wasn’t that bad after all. And Mike seemed to be doing a little bit better today. He wasn’t coughing his lungs out at least.

The day passed slowly. Mike was in a pretty good mood. At least until he wanted to take a shower and Harvey had to help him there. He grumbled about needing assistance to the bathroom.

“That’s not how Adam does it.” Mike said when Harvey put him on the shower chair while he still had his clothes on.

“I’m sorry for not being an educated nurse.” Harvey grumbled as he tried to get Mike out of his T-shirt.

“Maybe Adam can give you lessons?”

“Are you trying to piss me off or what?”

“Maybe.” Mike smirked. ”I can do it Harvey. You can wait outside now.”

“What? You want me to just stand outside the door and wait until you’re done?”

“That’s what Adam does.”

Harvey resisted the urge to push him down the chair and left the room. He heard Mike laugh a little and was secretly pleased. He was fine with Mike making fun of him if it meant he was in a good mood. He made several tours past the bathroom during the time Mike was showering.

When Mike finally called for him that he was done, Harvey founding him breathing harshly from exhaustion.

“Woah. Hey!” Harvey exclaimed when Mike practically fell against him as Harvey wrapped a towel around him. “Mike!”

“Mmmm..”

“Don’t fall asleep.”

“I’m not.” Mike slurred against him as Harvey tried to keep him upright.

“Yes you are. We need to get you out of here.”

Mike wasn’t cooperative at all while Harvey tried to get him into some clothes and then to bed.

“I’m just so tired.” He complained, suddenly in a totally different mood than just an hour earlier.

“I know kid. You can lay down in a minute.”

“I want you to stay here.” Mike mumbled when Harvey had gotten him into bed. He looked like he was about to break down.

“Sure.”

“Were you going to work?”

“No, not really.”

“Sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I feel so bad sometimes Harvey.”

“It will be better.”

Mike didn’t answer, he just blinked rapidly and massaged his throat. 

Dinner time wasn’t nice for either of them. Mike fought with every bite. He didn’t complain out right, he had apparently decided that he was going to eat what Harvey had put out for him, but it was clear that it pained him to swallow. He groaned and swore as he ate. He breathed out shakily and clenched his fist and swallowed.

“Oww..” He wiped his eyes.

“Mike, it’s enough. You don’t have to eat it. It’s okay.” Harvey couldn’t take it anymore.

Mike just looked at him and tears trailed from both his eyes as he blinked. His hands were shaking.

“I can’t do anything.” He said. ”I can’t eat, I can’t shower by myself. I don’t to…be like this.”

“Hey… I know Mike.” Harvey grabbed his hand. They sat like that for a while. Then Harvey removed Mike’s plate and wiped the kids face. Mike let him. Then Harvey sat down next to Mike on his bed and dragged him against him so that Mike’s head were resting against him.

“It’s going to be fine. You are going to be fine.”

Mike just coughed and moaned, but after a few minutes he started to relax.

“Okay.” He breathed.

It was a bit weird to have Mike’s bed in the same room as his own bed. Mike had eventually calmed down and some tea with honey had helped a little. He was sleeping for the night now, and Harvey tried to do the same. He had struggled with falling asleep for almost two hours now. Only part of his troubles falling asleep was because of Mike being there and his coughing.

He couldn’t help but think about what Mike had said earlier. He had sounded so weak, and once again it reminded Harvey about that the time might be coming to an end. Nothing seemed to be better.

Mike was coughing again and Harvey wished he could put in ear plugs to not have to hear it anymore. Every time he felt sleep starting to creep over him Mike would let out a cough and wake him again. It was almost like he knew that Harvey was about to fall asleep and chose that exact moment to cough. No, of course he didn’t, what was he thinking? He almost felt guilty for his thoughts when Mike quietly moaned after the last coughing fit. It was obviously hurting him. He suspected that Mike wasn’t asleep either now. He probably couldn’t sleep either and he needed it so much more than Harvey did. He could hear Mike turning a little on his bed. He was breathing heavily almost like he was out of breath. He was probably trying to quell another coughing fit. He wasn’t successful.

Harvey pressed his eyes hard together as he listened to Mike quietly moaning again. It sounded muffled as if he was pressing his face against his pillow. He should say something. He really should. He should comfort him somehow. Mike would probably want him to. But he didn’t. He didn’t know how to do that in this moment. He wasn’t sure if he would sound convincing in his reassurances.

_-SUITS-_

Could you die from coughing? Mike was seriously wondering if you could. Maybe he would be the first person to try it?

He felt better today though. He had slept better, except for being woken by his damn coughing, but had hadn’t had that many nightmares. So that was a nice change. He had felt better knowing that Harvey was in the same room. Something heavy that had been pushing on his chest without him knowing what it was had eased up a little. They constant worry he felt had lightened a little in Harvey’s room.

He didn’t know if Harvey agreed. He knew he had kept the other man up last night. Harvey had asked suddenly if he was okay and if he needed anything. Mike had thought that he had been asleep.

This morning Harvey looked half dead. Poor guy. And it was all his fault.

Harvey was saying that they were going to the hospital today. Usually he knew when he was due there, but this visit he had no clue about. It turned out that Harvey had called to set it up.

Mike just went along. He sat in the wheelchair without complaining at all. He liked to do that otherwise just for the sake of it. But not today. He felt bone tired. His body was tired, not so much his mind. Not today at least. Or he was maybe a bit out of it.

They did test on him. Had him drink something that they said would help against the coughing. It burned a bit going down but it didn’t made him feel nauseous. He didn’t know what it was. But if it helped against coughing he would drink and eat anything. His whole body hurt every time he coughed. Sometimes he almost felt panicked after a fit. He couldn’t get enough air and it left him lightheaded.

They were in some office now. He was sitting on a chair next to Harvey. They were all talking except him. He wasn’t sure what they were talking about. Something about his eating habits.

He had trouble holding his own head up. It felt too heavy for his neck. Somehow it felt like his neck had become smaller, and was no longer suitable for it purpose of holding up his head. He had never considered the balance needed between head and neck before. His own neck was now failing to do it’s job.

“Mike? Can you please listen?”

He brought an arm up on the table in front of him so that he was able to help his neck out a bit. He blinked a bit towards Dr. Lundin in the chair opposite of him. Harvey shifted on his chair.

“We are discussing your weight at the moment.” The doctor explained. “I’m concerned about it and your values are not looking good Mike. I understand that the cold you have makes it difficult to eat at the moment, but we have decided to take further actions. Mike?”

There was a picture frame on the desk next to the mouse pad. He had never seen that before in here. Was it a new frame? What was in it? Could he ask to see it?

Harvey tapped his shoulder and Mike blinked hard and turned his head a little to look at him. Harvey squeezed his shoulder now.

“Are you with us?” He asked. Mike blinked again. His eyes were so dry. He nodded a little though since Harvey seemed to want him to. Harvey smiled a weird smile at him and nodded forward. Right, the doctor.

”Yeah.” He said.

”I doubt it.” Harvey said and Mike wanted to glare at him, but didn’t think he managed.

“We are going to put you on an IV that you can receive at home Mike.” Mike barely reacted. An IV. Hm.

The doctor had turned to Harvey now telling him that a nurse or someone would follow them home and teach Harvey on how to help him with it. He guessed that was fine. Maybe he wouldn’t have to eat now? It did hurt a whole lot to eat. Like he swallowed glass or something.

Something felt wrong now. He was so dizzy. That wasn’t normal right? He should say something. It felt like he was leaning sideways, but he was pretty sure he sat upright.

“Mike? Mike? Kid! We are leaving. You need to help a bit. What’s with him?”

He wasn’t sure if Harvey was talking to him or not. Harvey’s hands were on him. Harvey was talking to him again. Mike just chose to shake his head. He didn’t want to move at all at this point, he didn’t care what Harvey did, as long as he didn’t have to change position.

Someone moved him then. Hands lifted him and the room was moving. Then he got to lay down. That was good. He could finally close his eyes.

When he woke up again he felt so much better. He blinked and looked around. He was in a hospital room. Harvey was there of course, and also his doctor.

“Look how is awake!” Doctor Lundin said and smiled.

“Are you with me?” Harvey asked.

”Yes.” Mike sighed.

”You were totally out of it. They had to pump you full of drugs.” Harvey smiled so Mike figured he was good now.

They could leave the hospital two hours later. Someone from the hospital came with them. Mike wasn’t sure why. But he was hooked up on and IV when they got home. He also had something stuck to his chest. Harvey told him not to touch it, so he didn’t.

“It’s there to monitor your heart, kid.” Harvey said. Okay, Mike guessed that was a good thing too.

_-SUITS-_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I hope you like this chapter! Thanks for reading!   
> Happy new year!


	54. Chapter 54

Mike slept again. He had been awake for a total of ten minutes after they got back from the hospital. A visit there had been initiated by Harvey after a sleepless night listening to Mike’s coughing. The hospital prioritized Mike even though it wasn’t an emergency. They must have thought it was serious enough. Mike was gone for about an hour for tests while Harvey waited.

The younger man was pretty out of it when he came back. Mike couldn’t focus his eyes on Harvey’s and didn’t seem to be listening when someone spoke to him. Not even Harvey got through to him. Harvey wasn’t that surprise when the younger man practically collapsed.

“He is totally drained. Both dehydrated and malnourished!” One of the nurses that helped out later had said. However Mike’s doctor was a bit more optimistic and also understanding of the situation. He thought that an IV for a couple of days would help Mike and also spare him of the painful process that eating now entailed.

It was almost absurd that Mike was on an IV to not have to eat. Even thought it was just temporary it was actually terrifying. Sometimes Harvey found himself thinking that _what the hell is happening_? This was such a moment as he watched a girl from the hospital connect Mike to the IV, all the while Mike slept. She then showed Harvey how it worked and how he should change and switch it out. It wasn’t that difficult. Harvey followed her to the door and thanked her when she left.

He felt a bit nervous when he walked back to Mike’s room. They actually let Mike go home again. For a while there he had thought that they would insist on keeping Mike at the hospital, but no one had been practically worried about that. Harvey wondered why that was. Mike could barely walk and wasn’t even coherent. Harvey wasn’t sure if the kid would have noticed that they weren’t at home.

But maybe they thought that Mike didn’t have long left and that’s why they let him head home. No, that wasn’t it. Mike was just drained. What had that nurse said? Dehydrated and malnourished. That was it. There was nothing wrong with his heart or anything. At least not something that needed extra medical attention. Mike had just collapsed because he hadn’t eaten well enough. Though that was pretty bad, when he thought about it. For a moment he felt incredibly guilty about it all. He should have made sure Mike had eaten more.

But he couldn’t think like that. That wasn’t going to do them any good. He had done all he could. Short from physically forcing food into the kid, but that hadn’t really been an acceptable option. There was no point looking back now. You couldn’t change the past anyway. They could only look forward at this point.

Mike slept for most of the day and night. He was awake for short periods of time and then he was confused and anxious. He squirmed and blinked slowly.

“What…what’s this? What is it?” He mumbled when he saw his IV, and Harvey carefully removed his hand from fingering where the needle went into his skin.

Mike looked into his eyes then and noticed that he was actually there.

“Hi Harvey.” He said, closed his eyes and fell asleep again.

Harvey sighed and put down Mike’s hand again. “Hi kid.” He said. He found himself patting it a bit before reluctantly moving over to his own bed again. He couldn’t do much for Mike now. All he could do was just to be there when Mike needed him.

Mike slept until late morning the next day but was a bit more coherent when he did wake up.

“What happened yesterday?” He asked when Harvey came to give him something to drink and finger a bit on the IV-pole. Adam was coming for a few hours today to take care of it more properly than Harvey could. He still felt a bit unsure about how to handle that.

“I’m not surprised if you don’t remember. You were pretty out of it.” He told Mike about the hospital visit and what had become of it.

“So I’m going to be stuck with this now?” He asked after thinking a while in silence.

“For now you are.” Was all Harvey wanted to answer.

Mike closed his eyes and hummed a bit as a response. He didn’t ask anything else. However he wasn’t all that happy when Harvey wanted him to take his meds. At least the coughing had died down a bit. Something they had given Mike had worked apparently. Sure he still coughed, but it wasn’t as bad as before. They sounded raw and terrible when he was at it, but at least it wasn’t as frequent and didn’t seem to be as painful.

Harvey spent the whole two coming days in his, and now Mike’s, bedroom. It was a couple of slow days, but it was just what they needed. Mike thanked him for being there on one occasion when he was a little more alert. Harvey said that it was nothing.

However on the third day of the same as before Harvey was starting to feel restless. His once luxurious bedroom now resembled a hospital room more than anything. It even smelled like a hospital room. Especially after Adam had done some cleaning for Mike’s benefit.

Mike wasn’t much of any company. He was mostly sleeping or just laying on the bed staring out in the room while blinking slowly. He didn’t want to do much of anything when Harvey suggested they watch a movie or when he tried to strike up a conversation.

Harvey suspected that Mike did try. He started saying something but then trailed off without ever getting to the point. The scary thing was that he didn’t seem to notice it himself.

“And?” Harvey tried once when Mike stopped talking in the middle of a sentence.

“And what?” He mumbled back.

”Nothing.” Harvey told him. ”It’s nothing. How about I read a bit huh?”

“Okay.”

But now Harvey would really give anything to get out of the apartment for a while. Mike wouldn’t like it, but Adam was there so it was fine. The important thing was that Mike wasn’t alone. It could be dangerous now, not just for Mike’s mental wellbeing but for his heart. Harvey had been warned about it and at the slightest sign of that anything at all was out of the ordinary they were to call an ambulance.

Harvey had taken up the habit now of asking if Mike was fine and how he was feeling every time he woke up.

“Harvey, come on! I slept for ten minutes. Nothing has changed.” Mike had complained the last time. However this morning the kid seemed to be a bit down. He only answered in one-word-sentences when Harvey asked him the usual questions. He took his meds without complaint and went back to sleep.

“I’m just going for a run.” Harvey announced to Adam. “I’ll have my phone on and with me. Call any at any time.”

“We’ll be fine. Go and enjoy your run Harvey.” Adam said as Harvey left.

_-SUITS-_

Mike had never been this exhausted in his whole life. He got tired from blinking. How weird was that? Very, Mike decided.

It was boring to be this tired. He barely did anything else then sleep. Except when Harvey and Adam had him doing stuff. Stuff like taking meds, going to the bathroom or cleaning up. Adam also had this annoying idea about him changing positions in bed.

“We don’t want you to get bedsores.” He said.

“I won’t get that.” Mike argued without opening his eyes’. ”It’s for old people.”

“Actually it’s common for people that spend a great amount of time laying in bed, just like you are.”

Mike had agreed to change to lay on his side then. Bedsores sounded unpleasant.

Adam also wanted him to do some excises which Mike strongly disliked. But he did them anyway. Adam did have a point there as well. He didn’t want his muscles to lose all their strength or whatever. So he did the excises, they weren’t that hard anyway. And after them he always slept better, mostly without nightmares. That was always a plus.

Sleeping this much affected him in other ways as well, not just physically. It made him confused and left him with a feeling of losing control of what was happening around him. He could almost feel how he was fading away. He had no sense of time anymore. And now when he was on an IV, which was scary in itself, he had no set points for breakfast, lunch or dinner, and therefore not much ways of knowing what time of day it was. He could always ask Harvey of course, which he often did.

Harvey was almost always in the room with him. He slept in Harvey’s room now. That was nice. He felt better knowing that Harvey was that close to him. Now he could just call out in the middle of the night if he wanted to, and Harvey would hear him and answer.  Not that he was doing that every night, but just the knowledge of that he could helped him. Because being this tired and overall exhausted scared him. Why didn’t he get better? He had been sleeping almost constantly for a few days. Now he was able to stay awake for a little longer at a time now, but he didn’t exactly feel any better.

They always told him that if he just got a lot of rest and took care of himself he would get better, so why wasn’t anything changing? He tried his best in not thinking of the possible reasons of his situation. He just couldn’t go there. But of course he couldn’t help doing it.

Death shouldn’t scare him this much. It shouldn’t. He was supposed to be stronger than this. He should just accept his faith and not feel like he just totally wanted to break down in tears every time he thought about dying. He did that a lot now. Think about his death. And he freaked out every time. He hated himself for it. Hated how scared, helpless and pathetic he felt at the thought.

His entire family was dead, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he was facing the same possibility. He had cancer in his heart. People didn’t survive heart cancer. It was a fact. But he couldn’t stop the voice inside his head that kept telling him that maybe, maybe this wouldn’t kill him. Maybe he would be the lucky one that would be able to beat this. But at the same time as the voice came up the other one that said that there was no way he would survive came as well. That second voice mostly drowned the first hopeful one. That internal battle tore him apart. He didn’t know how to handle it. It made him want to scream and cry. Even though he didn’t want to have to care about how he was behaving he fought to keep in control. He had to for Harvey sake.

He could see how worried Harvey truly was. He saw it in the way Harvey looked at him sometimes after patiently waiting while Mike struggled with his meds. Or when Harvey helped him to drink by holding his glass for him. Or when Harvey helped him to stand up to go to the bathroom. Harvey got a special look in his eyes that told Mike that Harvey was scared too. Sometimes that look made him feel so much better because Harvey really cared about him. But other times it only bothered him because it meant that he would have to hold back, to spare the older man some of the burden of seeing Mike at his lowest.

He knew how much he was demanding of Harvey, it was just that sometimes he wasn’t strong enough to care about that. Sometimes he didn’t care what Harvey thought, and all Mike could do was to think about his own needs. Because sometimes it just got too much for him and all he wanted was for Harvey to just sit there next to him and talk to him and reassure him. Sometimes he just wanted to hold on to Harvey, maybe not hold his hand, but just somehow touch him. Just to feel his presence and to know that he wasn’t alone. It helped him so much. It kept the panic at bay and his mind could relax somewhat at the knowledge of that Harvey was helping him.

At times like that, when he was feeling the worst he just wanted Harvey to sit there. All the time. He didn’t want Harvey to leave for a second. He felt both anger and despair rise in him as soon as Harvey got up, even if he was just getting Mike a glass of water or if he was going to the bathroom.

“Do you have to leave?” He had complained when Harvey got up just now. He caught Harvey’s expression and he looked bothered, even a bit annoyed. Mike bit the inside of his lip hard in an attempt to stop himself from begging again. Harvey wanted to leave. Harvey wanted to leave him.  Harvey didn’t want to just sit there next to him doing practically nothing. Mike wasn’t really capable of following along in a conversation right now. He knew that he made lousy company. But his heart was breaking at the thought of Harvey wanting to go. He stared straight forward to dry his eyes.

“Mike, kid.” Harvey said slowly and carefully like Mike was six years old. “I can’t be here every second of the day. I’ll be right back.” He squeezed his shoulder a little.

Mike could hear him in the kitchen. The tap was running. Harvey opened a cupboard and then closed it. Mike slowly turned on his side to be able to look towards the door way.

He wasn’t able to stay awake until Harvey came back again. When he woke up Adam was there, sitting in Harvey’s chair.

“Where is Harvey?” His voice was hoarse.

“He had to leave for a bit.” Adam told him. “I’m sure he’s back soon.”

Mike just nodded and looked away from the nurse. All he had to do was wait. Harvey would be back soon. As he had said, he couldn’t be there next to Mike every second. Of course he couldn’t. That would be absurd if Mike demanded him to be.

He was going to wait. That was all he needed to do. Just wait. He was good at that by now. He did a lot of waiting. Waiting in the hospital for test, waiting while he got treatment, waiting for when he got to leave that place and go back home, and just waiting to get better.

He didn’t want to wait!

No, relax, he needed to relax. It wasn’t like he was alone. Adam was here if something were to happen to him. He didn’t need to worry.

But where was Harvey? Or that didn’t really matter. What mattered was why Harvey rather go and do something else then stay here with him, even though he knew that Mike didn’t want him to leave. Was it so that Harvey didn’t want to be here? Was that the reason he left? Had Harvey gotten sick of him now?

It was not like Mike would blame him if that was the case. He was useless company. Who in their right mind would want to spend time with him anyway?

He glanced at Adam. He was sitting in Harvey’s chair with his arms crossed over his chest, holding a book in one hand. His head was turned towards Mike and while he was watching him, Adam suddenly looked up at him. When he was saw Mike was watching him he smiled until Mike looked away again.

Time passed endlessly slow. His thoughts only got darker. Harvey didn’t want to be here. He was certain of it now. Why would he? Why was Harvey even bothering with him at all?

But this was so sudden. Had he done something to upset Harvey? Was that the reason why he wasn’t there anymore?  But what was it? He couldn’t concentrate enough to figure it out. It had to be something though. He had to find out what it was. He had to. If Harvey just could come back. He needed to apologize. He had to make it right.

It was all he could think of. Because one thing he knew, and that was that without Harvey he was screwed. He had a vague thought about maybe he was obsessing a little much about Harvey, almost more than the thought of actually being ill. But it was just that Harvey was the one person that was holding him sort of together. And now this person didn’t want to be around Mike anymore.

Hours must have past when he finally heard Harvey at the door. He wished he was strong enough to get up and greet him. As it was now he just had to stay where he was and wait for Harvey to come to him.

Finally he arrived. He nodded towards Adam and walked over to his closet as he took of his suit jacket. Mike waited nervously as Harvey and Adam talked for a bit. Then Adam left after saying something to Mike. He didn’t listen. His thoughts rushed around in his head as he only had eyes for Harvey to see what he was going to do.

“Hi kid.” Harvey smiled at him as he sat down in the chair placed next to Mike’s bed.

Mike just looked at him and blinked rapidly a few times.

“You okay?” Harvey asked when Mike didn’t say anything.

Mike’s mouth opened and closed again. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t okay. Far from it, but he didn’t know how to tell Harvey that.

“Where were you before?” His voice was shaking without him being able to do anything about it. He briefly met Harvey’s eyes but had to look away again, because Harvey looked bothered now. He was pretty sure of that. He continued before Harvey had a change to say something.

"Look, about earlier, before. I…I was just…I’m sorry, Harvey.”

“No Mike, you don’t have to apologize.”

“But I was just thinking that maybe you wouldn’t want to come, or to be here. But I want you to. Sorry.”

“What are you talking about? Of course I want to be here.”

Mike stopped himself from continue to ramble, he felt all wrong and so scared. He had sounded pathetic. At this moment he didn’t want Harvey to leave because he would die if he did. At least that was what it felt like. The panic was raising unexplainable inside him. He just hated himself at the moment, he almost thought that he would deserve it if he died right now. He was just so pathetic as usual, and he couldn’t keep it cool. He just had to cry and beg like some damn idiot. Now he wasn’t even sure what had been apologizing for.

What he did know was that he felt devastated every time he woke up and Harvey wasn’t there. He just wanted to know why Harvey hadn’t been there earlier. He bit his tongue hard to try and stop himself from crying. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t even get up and go to the toilet by himself. And he just couldn’t be himself. He was someone else. Someone who was weak and confused, needy and fucking dying. He couldn’t do anything to stop it, but he didn’t want to die. He wanted it to stop. It wasn’t fair. He wanted help. He wanted for it to feel okay with being the way he was now, but he had trouble with feeling that way. He wanted Harvey to tell him.

Harvey was just sitting there now, looking sadly at him. Mike wanted to reach out for him, to just hold him there. Make him stay.

“You are okay.” Harvey said then. “It’s all okay now Mike.”

He shook his head. “Sorry.” A few tears escaped. He wiped them away. “Sorry.” He whispered.

Harvey put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a tissue and carefully wiped Mike’s face. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe.

“Shhh..shhh.” Harvey mumbled. “It’s fine. You’re fine. I’m right here.”

“Yeah… just, I’m just…I’m sorry.” He didn’t even know why it felt important to say it. It just felt like he had to. He squirmed a bit under Harvey’s hand on his shoulder. 

“What are you sorry about Mike?”

“Everything.”

“Oh, you are sorry for everything.” Harvey said gently. “Could you maybe narrow it down just a bit?”

“For being like this.”

“Are you apologizing for having cancer?”

“No…no I… It’s just that, for being like this.” He said again. He wasn’t making much sense, he knew that, but it only made him more frustrated. “It’s not me!” He exclaimed.

”I know Mike. But I keep telling you that it’s okay. Don’t worry. And I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

“No, you don’t, you don’t have to. No. I mean” He had to pause. He drew with his hand forcefully over his mouth. “I can’t do it… Harvey I can’t do it.”

Harvey didn’t even ask what it was he couldn’t do.

“You need to relax.” He just said and then he got up and sat down on Mike’s bed next to him. It wasn’t much room for him since Mike was close to the edge, but Harvey didn’t seem to care. He laid down so that they were shoulder to shoulder. Mike didn’t bother with trying to move away to give him more space.q

“I’m going to stay right here. Go to sleep.” Harvey said.

After a couple of minutes Mike could feel how the pressure that had been laying over his chest eased up a little bit. He did his best in trying to follow Harvey’s orders. The pressure from Harvey’s shoulder next to him kept him grounded and he could close his eyes.

“Harvey?” he asked after a few minutes.

“Mike.” Harvey tiredly answered him.

”When I get worse. You won’t leave then right? I know that you can’t stay all the time, but I just feel like…like I’m not getting better. And then…”

“You will get better soon. Just give it time.”

“But I don’t have time.” Mike argued and tried to look at Harvey. But he was just laying there with his eyes closed. Basically ignoring him. “I don’t have time.” he repeated.

”Sure you do. Mike, I think you should try and get some rest now. I’ll stay here.”

Mike swallowed but stopped talking. Clearly Harvey didn’t want to talk about this. Somehow he felt disappointed. It was something that he felt that they maybe needed to talk about before something happened to him, because there was a high possibility that something might. What if they wouldn’t be able to talk then? But he didn’t want to bring it up again in case Harvey would get too upset and leave him. So for now he closed his eyes again and tried to relax.

_-SUITS-_

Harvey didn’t know if Mike was able to tell how tense he was laying there next to him. Mike had his eyes closed now, but he still had that pained expression that Harvey hated seeing on his face. He knew what he had just done. Mike had wanted to talk about not making it, but Harvey had just dismissed him. He was a coward. But he didn’t care. He didn’t want to have this conversation with Mike. Not now. For now he was just going to stay there laying next to Mike until he felt a little better.

Harvey didn’t know when that was going to happen though. That Mike would feel better. At least the kid wasn’t getting worse right now. It was like Mike was in a stable bad condition. He was really sick and weak, but he wasn’t getting that much worse. At least not what Harvey could see, but Mike had told him that he wasn’t getting better. Harvey had gone cold with worry at those words. He hated hearing it. Mike couldn’t think like that, but Harvey wasn’t sure about what he could say to stop Mike’s bad thoughts.

Mike was really sick though. He could barely walk by himself and he still had the IV. It was a while ago since he had been on treatment. Apparently they didn’t want to risk it now. They had been told that Mike needed to feel a little bit better to continue.

“When will that be then?” Mike had asked. “What if that won’t happen?”

Someone had reassured Mike then, that it was only a matter of time.

Time. That word held so much more meaning to them now than it ever had. This was really a war against time. Anything could happen at any time and all they could do was wait.

A few days passed. Harvey tried to stay as close to Mike as he could. Mike deserved that much. Harvey had felt so guilty when he had heard how Mike apologized for how he was behaving when Harvey had returned to his room after being out for a bit. Mike kept claiming that this wasn’t who he was, and Harvey could understand him, but at the same time he didn’t blame Mike at all.

Harvey himself would have been just as terrified as Mike was if the positions were changed. But now they weren’t, so they just had to deal with. Mike always got back to the fact that he couldn’t be alone. They hadn’t really talked about what that came from. But Harvey had read somewhere that it was common among terminal patients that they got anxiety from being alone. Not that Mike was terminal. Anyway, Harvey tried to prevent Mike from feeling bad. It was all he did now. He didn’t go to work at all, he claimed he worked from home if someone should ask. Not that anyone did. He had talked to Jessica and she had been very understanding.

Mike got rid of the IV after about a week with it. After that he slowly started eating again. That damn cough he had had was finally gone now and he was doing a little better. He still slept most of the day but was pretty coherent when he was awake. He was almost like the old Mike for one afternoon after a hospital visit. They joked around and Mike asked if they could watch a movie which day did.

“I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow.” Mike said as the end credits rolled. “They are going to decide if I can start with the chemo again.”

“Okay.” Harvey said and looked at Mike. He had his eyes locked at the screen.

“I’ve been thinking Harvey. What if they say that I can’t?”

“They are not going to say that Mike.”

“I know, but what if they do?”

“They won’t Mike. You are doing better.”

There was a pause before Mike nodded a little. “Yeah okay.” He quietly mumbled and didn’t say anything else. Harvey swallowed and was just about to say something else when he saw Mike’s expression, but he stopped himself. What was he going to say anyway?

He wanted to curse himself a moment later when he just smiled when he met Mike’s eyes. Mike didn’t return his smile and didn’t speak. He should say something. He knew what Mike wanted to talk about. It was just that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t sit there and causally talk about the possibility that Mike might be too sick to receive more treatment.

His moment had passed five minutes later when Mike announced that he was going to bed. Harvey watched how he slowly walked towards the bathroom. Harvey clenched his teeth when he saw how Mike had to stop and lean against the wall for a moment before slipping through the door.

The next morning they were sitting in Mike’s doctor’s office and waiting for the results of Mike’s latest test from last week. Mike was subdued and hadn’t said much. He was sitting next to Harvey with his head bent down.

“You okay?” Harvey asked and put his hand on Mike’s arm. Mike just shrugged.

It wasn’t good news. In fact the news were terrible. Doctor Lundin had gotten a serious look on his face and explained to them that he still didn’t feel comfortable with letting Mike go through chemo. At those words Mike drew a deep breath and Harvey put his hand on his shoulder and left it there.

“But..but what is going to happen then?” Mike asked. “You have to do something! I won’t get anywhere if you don’t…”

”We are not doing nothing Mike. You know that. Your medication is going to be a bit adjusted. We might increase a few of your doses.”

“Great.” Mike said.

“We are also looking into the possibility of another surgery, but it’s still too early for that as well.”

“Another surgery?” Harvey questioned.

They spent another hour discussing the matter before Mike asked to leave. The younger man didn’t say a word during the car ride back home. Harvey tried engaging him in conversation but it didn’t really work. Harvey’s encouragement fell on deaf ears as Mike practically ignored him, but Harvey couldn’t blame him. He could hear how hollow he sounded. Harvey felt a bit empty.

The doctor had told them to not lose hope and that they still had options. Mike’s body and heart could still get stronger, but at the moment they didn’t dare to risk putting Mike through the harsh treatment. But this was not what Mike, or Harvey for that matter, had been hoping for. At the hospital while Mike had been on a check-up he had called Donna and she was meeting them back at the apartment. He had already told her the news and hoped that what she might say would get through to Mike.

When they got home Mike when to lay down on the couch. He turned his head towards the back of the couch and just lay there in silence. It worried Harvey when Mike didn’t respond when asked if he wanted company. He sat down on a chair anyway and waited until Donna showed up.

She then spent forty minutes alone with Mike, sitting close behind him stroking his back.

“He’s asleep now.” She said when she joined Harvey by the kitchen island. “He didn’t say much.” She added.

Harvey nodded. “It was bad news today. Not at all what he wanted to hear.”

“Do you think he will break down?”

“Sooner or later.”

It happened later. Donna stayed for dinner and Mike ate with them quietly. He answered when spoken to, but when he smiled at Donna it looked more like a grimace than a smile. It was clear that Mike didn’t want to speak, because he changed the subject when Donna brought up his hospital visit. Donna kept throwing Harvey meaning looks, but she didn’t get the opportunity to speak to Harvey alone that night. “Talk to him!” She had whispered in his ear when he hugged her goodnight, but that was it.

Harvey did try to do that, but Mike wouldn’t listen. He turned his back on Harvey and mumbled that he was tired. So Harvey went to his own bed but decided not to sleep until he knew Mike was doing just that. It took about thirty minutes before he could hear muffled sounds from the other bed. It was like a knife in Harvey’s chest. This was just what he had been expecting though. He didn’t understand though, why Mike didn’t call out for him. Of course Mike was upset, Harvey knew that he was. He slowly walked over and sat down on the edge of Mike’s bed.

“Hi kid.” He said and stroked Mike’s back.

“I don’t want to talk Harvey.” Mike mumbled into the pillow he had pressed against his face.

“You don’t have to. I’m here though. You will be fine. Everything will be fine Mike.” He tried.

“I said I don’t want to talk.” Mike said, louder this time. He then shrugged Harvey’s hand off him. “I’d like to be alone.”

This surprised Harvey to the degree that he suddenly didn’t know how to react.

“Eh… okay. Do you…you want me to just sit here then?”

Mike didn’t answer so Harvey decided to take that as a yes. He spent close to forty minutes sitting there on the edge of the bed listening to how Mike tried to cry quietly into his pillow. It was agonizing and at one moment he felt a few of his own tears slid down his cheek. When he was sure Mike was asleep he went back to his own bed. He couldn’t sleep right away though and lay awake staring up into the ceiling listening to Mike’s breaths.

The next morning Adam arrived before the two of them had gotten out of bed. Harvey woke by the nurse standing next to Mike’s bed checking something.

“Good morning. Did I wake you? Sorry.” The nurse smiled and Harvey mumbled a good morning and hurried to the bathroom. He got to talk to Mike at the breakfast table a bit later.

“So, do you feel better today?” Harvey carefully asked.

Mike just shrugged his shoulders.

“You didn’t want to talk last night. What was that about?” Harvey couldn’t help but asking. Mike looked at him for a moment and opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. His cheeks had gotten a bit red. But then he seemed to decide to speak.

“No I didn’t want to talk about it with because I know what you were going to say and it wasn’t what I needed at that moment.”

“What do you mean?” Harvey studied him.

“You were just going to say that everything will be okay, and I just felt like shit Harvey. Sometimes I just want to feel like shit without you trying to tell me that I’m wrong.”

“I never said that you were wrong.”

“That’s not what I mean. What you are telling me is that what I’m feeling is wrong and that I should stop. That’s not helping me. It makes me feel worse sometimes. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like crap when I should be thinking that it’s all fine like you are saying.”

“Mike, I have never said…”

“Are you even listening to me? Stop defending yourself.”

Harvey paused. “I hear you.” He said after a while.

“Good. Why don’t you think about that for a bit then? I feel sick so I’m going to sleep some more now.” Mike stood up and left his half eaten breakfast behind. Harvey watched him go and then closed his eyes for a long time. He wasn’t good at this. This wasn’t what he did. Feelings and everything that went with it. He had improved immensely since Mike got his diagnose, but he knew he still had limitations. He thought he understood what Mike was saying. He was basically saying that sometimes Mike wanted it to be okay to feel like crap. But what was Harvey supposed to say to him then? Okay, yes everything is crap, you are right? He couldn’t do that.

Mike didn’t have a good day. Adam looked a bit worried, but Harvey told him about the news that they gotten the day before.

“That might explain it…” Adam said. ”But I’m going to keep a close eye on him. His heartrate worries me a bit. We might have to take him in later this afternoon.”

“Keep me updated and call me if he needs me.”

Mike was sleeping again and even in sleep he moved restlessly now and again. Harvey went out to the living room to see if he could get some work done. At least check his e-mails and maybe respond to a few of them. He had been at it for a few hours when he was interrupted.

“Harvey! Harvey! Get in here now!”

Adam was calling for him and Harvey went cold at his tone, he had never heard Adam sound like that before. Harvey rushed towards the bedroom but stopped dead in his track as he saw Mike. Harvey instantly felt sick at the sight of him. Adam was propping him up with his arms around Mike’s shoulders, but the man’s head hang limply from his neck. What made the sight terrifying was the blood smeared around Mike’s mouth and down along his gray t-shirt that now stuck to the kid’s chest.  Harvey could see more of the dark liquid on the cover in Mike’s lap and on the sheets.

“Something is wrong. He’s throwing up blood. Call 911 right now.” Adam calmly ordered Harvey. ”Tell them to hurry and then come back and help me with him.”

Harvey nodded and rushed for his phone. In less than a minute he was back at Mike’s bedside after being promised an ambulance as soon as possible. He wouldn’t admit it but he was so grateful for the nurse being there taking control of the situation by telling Harvey what to do.

Mike’s eyes were open but he wasn’t responding when they spoke to him. Harvey didn’t think that he could. He wasn’t really there, but was gasping and spluttering, trying to get rid of the blood in his mouth.

“Hold him up! Continue to talk to him.” Adam thrusted Mike into Harvey’s arms and turned away to do something that Harvey didn’t pay attention to. “He needs to calm down.” Adam told him from behind his back. Harvey was terrified at the sight of Mike. What was happening with him? What was this? Was Mike dying? It certainly looked that way.

”Mike, calm down.” He said uselessly. ”You are going to be fine.” It was the only thing that came to him. To his amazement he managed to get through to Mike because he turned his head up to look at Harvey.

“What? What’s…happening to me?” He croaked out to Harvey’s surprise. “It’s...blood.”

“Yeah, I don’t know Mike. I don’t know. But I’ve called an ambulance. They will fix you up.”

Mike coughed for a while and gulped. He wiped his mouth with the backside of his hand and stared with a terrified expression at the blood now smeared over it. His eyes flickered back to Harvey that with an enormous effort forced himself to smile at the kid. Mike didn’t seem as reassured as Harvey had hoped, but Adam did thumbs up where he stood on Mike’s other side.

“The…the…the bed.” Mike panted. ”Harvey…I’m sorry.” Harvey followed Mike’s gaze. The bedsheets were ruined.

“What? Are you joking? Screw the bed. I don’t care Mike.”

Mike didn’t seem convinced but he leaned into Harvey’s chest, too exhausted to sit up anymore. He left his arm in Adam’s grip as he checked his pulse. Harvey wrapped an arm around him and stroke his back.

“It’ll be okay.”  He hoped he wasn’t lying.

“The bed.” Mike mumbled again. “I didn’t mean...”

”Mike, please kid. Don’t worry about it. I told you I don’t care about that. I can buy new beds, not new associates like you.”

”Yeah…” Mike swallowed thickly. A little blood dropped down on the blanket over Mike’s legs from the corner of his mouth and Harvey felt sick.

“Harvey… Har-Harvey.”

“Yes Mike…” Harvey whispered.

“It’s blood… I… blood. I’m… bleeding.”

“Yeah.” Harvey didn’t know what to answer him other than that.

“I’m… I’m scared.”

Harvey nodded. He could feel Mike shaking against him.

“I’m scared Harvey. I’m sc…scared.”

“Shh… Don’t be. It’ll be okay. Help is on its way. I’ll be here with you.”

“You…will?”

Mike leaned back a little and coughed and as he did a fine spray of blood ended up on Harvey’s shirt. Harvey hurried to draw Mike against him again so that he wouldn’t notice. As Mike shook in his arms Harvey held him tighter.

“Of course.” He said.

Adam left the room but squeezed Harvey’s shoulder before he did. He led the paramedics into the room a few minutes later during which Mike had been quiet and Harvey had mumbled reassurances to him. Harvey reluctantly let go of Mike who was placed on a gurney. His eyes were closed as they put an oxygen mask over his face and Harvey had to restrain himself from stepping forward and shake the kid until he opened his eyes again.

Harvey and Adam had to follow the ambulance to the hospital and on the way Harvey questioned Adam on what had happened. But Adam just said that Mike had been sleeping just to wake up, say that he felt strange and that he needed to sit up. Not a minute later Mike started to throw up blood. While Adam described it Harvey couldn’t help but to feel relieved that he hadn’t had to witness that happening. It was bad enough to see the aftermath. 

Mike was already being seen to when they arrived to the hospital. Donna came thirty minutes later. She had only been there for about ten minutes before a nurse came looking for Harvey.

“We have stopped the bleeding but we require your assistance at a test. Mr. Ross have asked for your presence.” She said, smiled sympathetically at Donna and left. Harvey gave Donna a look before following her.

Mike was a mess. He was panting and squirming around on a table in the middle of a room filled with hospital staff. Harvey had been forced to put on some clothes as well. Harvey immediately walked over to him ignoring everyone else. As soon as Mike saw him, tears welled up in his eyes, like he wasn’t able to control himself anymore.

“I don’t want to do it.” He whimpered and clasped Harvey’s hand. “I don’t.”

“Do what?” Harvey looked up at the nearest hospital-person that explained that they needed to make sure Mike didn’t have blood in his stomach and to do so they had to insert a tube down Mike’s nose. Harvey could understand Mike’s reluctance. He now understood his own job in the room. He put his hands along Mike’s face and waited until he had eye contact.

“You have to do it. I’m so sorry Mike. I’ll be with you the whole time.” His hands got wet from Mike’s tears and Harvey felt like an ass as Mike nodded.

Harvey got a spot, jammed in next to the heart monitor, but from it he could reach to hold the kid’s hand. It was just awful and Harvey almost wanted to punch each and one of them by the time they were finished. They had been forced to hold Mike’s head still after he probably unconsciously tried to pull away time after time. Harvey had to leave again after that since Mike had another test. He argued though. He had to.

Mike had been sedated when they got to see him again a while later.

“He was in a lot of pain.” A doctor explained. They thought that the reason for Mike throwing up blood was a result of a bleeding ulcer. The reason for that was all the pills Mike had been taking.

“But doesn’t that hurt?” Donna had asked. ”Why wasn’t noticed sooner.”

“Mike is on a lot of painkillers. He might have felt something, but the medication worked to lessen his pain. However his condition is very serious at the moment. This has put a lot of pressure on his heart. It’s most likely caused of all the stress he is going through. We are going to do another MRI so we can get a look at his heart as soon as possible.” He paused and looked between Harvey and Donna.

“You do know what this means right?” He then asked, but didn’t wait for them to answer. “The situation is critical. We can’t just do nothing at this point, I brought up a possible operation before with you, right?”

They nodded.

“Right now I don’t think Mike can handle it, but we might come to a point where we don’t have a choice. Because of the ulcer we can’t give him all the medication he needs without increasing it. If the ulcer gets worse…it might be bad.”

Harvey stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

“However without the medication Mike will get worse, so do you see our dilemma? Whatever we do at this point something will get worse, that’s why an operation might be an option, but we need to take a closer look at his heart first. Something might have changed from the last time.”

“But you said he’s not strong enough for an operation?” Harvey asked.

“We have to wait and see at this point, unfortunately. We are doing all we can for him. I’m afraid this will be very unpleasant for Mike though.”

“Oh god.” Donna whispered. She had tears in her eyes. Harvey felt numb.

_-SUITS-_

When he became somewhat aware of that he was awake he immediately regretted it. Everything hurt. He tried to stay as still as possible, because maybe it would lessen. It didn’t. Worst were his stomach, but his throat hurt as well. He was some vague recollection of something being forced into him. His nose as well. Harvey had been there then.

He forced his eyes opened. He didn’t recognize this hospital room. There was a lot of equipment there, he was connected to a lot of it. He blinked a bit to try and clear his eyes. His head hurt to now when he had his eyes opened. He groaned and heard movement to the side of him. Harvey’s worried face came into his view.

“Hey Mike.” Harvey whispered. Mike wanted to answer but his mouth wasn’t really working as it should. He hoped that Harvey wouldn’t care too much about that.

“Are you in pain?” Harvey asked next and Mike nodded a little. “Okay.” Harvey mumbled.

A nurse was there the next minute but he didn’t really notice any improvement.

“Your doctor will be here to talk to you. Just take it easy. You scared the crap out of Donna. And Adam.” Harvey smiled at him. And you, Mike wanted to say. He could see how tense Harvey was. He was just pretending right now.

A surge of fear swept through him as he remembered the last time he had been at home. He had woken up and the next thing he knew there was blood everywhere, and it had come from his mouth. It was a whole new kind of terrified that he got to be then. This was more intense, then just the normal, I’m-going-to-die-form-cancer kind of fear. If he had had more energy he would have panicked. Now he had just leaned against Harvey and tried to clear his mind.

He wished he could change position. His stomach was really killing him. He carefully placed a hand on in. It made nothing to help. Harvey was still there, and Mike noticed that he was talking. He hadn’t heard a word. Hopefully Harvey was fine with him not paying attention. He had other things to think about. Like the pain in his stomach.

A doctor arrived a while later. He spoke too. He tried to do something next to him as well, his hand was on Mike’s shoulder.

"MIke, Mike, I need you to focus for a minute. I’m trying to make you more comfortable.”

The doctor squeezed Mike’s shoulder again and managed to get his attention this time. His eyes flickered up against the man standing there leaning over him. He made an effort of trying to stay still, now aware of that he had been twisting around on the bed.

“Does your stomach hurt Mike?”

He nodded.

“I’m sorry about that. We will try to work something out in a minute. I want to explain to you what has happened and what we are going to do to help you.”

He was in deep shit apparently. No matter what they did, he was going to be in a lot of trouble. Harvey was standing there next to his bed the whole time the doctor was speaking. It was good that he was there. Mike hurt.

It was something with having to wait. He didn’t want to wait at all. Somehow he passed out though. It was all confusing. He was in pain again when he woke up. He kind of lost it. Though he felt more aware, his head was clearer. That didn’t help much at all. Harvey tried to help as well.

“Just try to relax a bit.” He was saying. Mike wanted to hit him a little.

“No! I can’t. Don’t you get that? It hurts too much!” he yelled in Harvey’s face. But the older man didn’t seem faced by it at all.

“I know. I know.” Was all he said.

Mike cursed at him. He decided to try and sit up a bit more. It turned out to be a really bad idea and he screamed right out when something stabbed him in his stomach. The next thing he knew there was a lot of people in the room. He screamed again when someone touched his stomach. He tried to hit them, get them away from him. Suddenly he felt really tired though.

The next time he woke up it was dark outside and he felt a lot better. They must have given him something.

Both Harvey and Donna was there this time and he managed to smile at them. Donna’s eyes were a bit red.

“Hi sweetie.” She said as she stroke his cheek. He leaned into her touch a little. After making sure he was okay and not dying of pain, she told him that she had spoken to everyone at the office and they sent their well wishes to him. He wanted to say that that was total bullshit, instead he thanked her and told her to send his greetings back to Rachel, Louis and Jessica. He was kind of relieved that they didn’t come to see him. He didn’t want them seeing him like this.

He had another visit from his doctor. He got everything explained to him again. The condition he was in was very serious he was told. His body was rejecting all the ways that the medical team had to help him. Chemo, radiation, medication…it would all kill him as well now. At least that what it sounded like. It wasn’t like someone said it out loud. It was still all that crap about that it was still hope. He still had a change.

He didn’t know what he thought about that. Of course he didn’t want them to be like, oh you are definitely dying, but on the other hand he was sick of hearing that everything was fine. Not that they said it now. So that meant something he guessed.

“But Mike, the fact that you still are here and still are fighting that’s a good sign. You are hanging on there and doing an excellent job.” His doctor told him. “Depending on your night and how you are feeling tomorrow we will schedule an MRI for you. When we know what’s up with your heart we’ll know the next step. And operation might be a possibility.”

That was all he got. Another operation didn’t sound good. He was so much worse than the last time, and that had been rough. Would he be able to survive another operation?

Was he going to die now? It felt surreal. Somehow he had never thought that he was going to die. He had believed it in his heart all this time that somehow he would make it. Beat the odds. But that thought had started to change now. He didn’t want to think about it but it was so hard not to. It was present at all times.

He suspected that everyone at the hospital thought that he was going to die. He could feel it in the way they looked at him. Everyone was so nice to him as well. He wasn’t sure if he liked that. Some nurses almost talked to him like he was a child. But actually if he was honest with himself he didn’t mind that so much.

It all really scared him though, because he really didn’t want to die. He wanted to live with all he had. If he just could fight a little bit more. The problem was just that he didn’t know how to do anything differently. He felt like he couldn’t. He tried to eat and rest and he let them do all they wanted to him, what else could he do to better his odds?

The helplessness was one of the worst feelings. Like no matter what he did, there were just so much they could do for him. They had been reluctant to give him some of the pain medication last night since they were worried it might cause his heart more trouble if his ulcer got worse. More stress was the term they used. His heart was stressed.

Sometimes he hated his heart. It felt like it was betraying him. Like it was doing its own race and Mike was just a passenger along for the ride. Right now they were steering towards a cliff. He had no options left that would let him avoid it.

He didn’t know how to deal with it all. He wanted to talk about it. He did. He wanted to talk to Harvey. He just wished that the older man would be open to have the conversation. He had tried a few times, just to discuss the possibility that he might not make it. But Harvey refused. He had changed the subject or done something to quiet him every time he had tried. He knew that it was hard for Harvey. But it was hard for Mike too. It was so hard. And he felt like he was going to explode if something didn’t lit up a bit. He didn’t know what would happen then.

He had embarrassed himself a lot lately. Cried, screamed and cursed. If he exploded he didn’t know what would happen. Maybe it would end him?

Harvey didn’t leave his side now though. He had been there the whole day. The older man looked so tired now. He had dark circles below his eyes and his hair was untidy. Donna had reluctantly left about an hour ago and Mike had been more or less awake ever since.

A hospital staff was checking up on him several times per hour now. At least he was pretty sure of that. He didn’t have a perfect sense of time. Sometimes when he closed his eyes a little things had changed a bit when he opened them again, so it was possible he fell asleep.

It was getting harder to form coherent thoughts, which didn’t make it easier to form somewhat coherent sentences as answers to all the questions he was asked all the time. They shook his arm and quietly asked him to do this or that, or wanted him to answer some of their stupid questions. Did he know where he was? Was he in any pain? How was his breathing? Could he move to his side? Harvey asked him stuff too. Mike wanted to answer his questions the most.

The night passed like that. At least he thought it was the night. He wasn’t sure. Once when he was woken up by a nurse Harvey was sleeping in a chair next to him, so he guessed it was nighttime then.

He woke up early in the morning in a lot of pain. He had cried a bit then. Maybe he had even begged for someone to help him? He wasn’t entirely sure. Hopefully not. A lot of people had been there in the room with him. He remembered Harvey’s pale face, and himself reaching for him. Better not think about that.

They took him for an MRI. He slept through it. That was the first time he did that, he hadn’t thought that would be possible. He was just that tired.

“Mike! Mike, come on. Wake up for me, kid.”

Mike opened his eyes and saw Harvey staring down at him. When he saw that Mike was awake, he got a strange, relived look on his face. “You doctor is here to talk to us.” He said.

It took a while for Mike to be aware enough to be able to see that someone else was in the room. Not just one, but three of this doctors. Something turned in his stomach when he looked at their faces. This wasn’t going to be good news.

It wasn’t. Something was wrong with his heart. Or he knew that from before, but something was worse and it had gotten the doctors very worried. They said that they wanted to operate on him again. They needed to remove some stuff on his heart.

“However we need to wait Mike. We need to wait until you are feeling stronger.”

“And when is that going to be?” Harvey asked.

“Right now, Mike is not in a position to be able to make it through this kind of surgery, but it has to be as soon as possible. We are going to keep you here until then and monitor you closely.”

All Mike could do was nod. He didn’t know what else to say. He let Harvey handle all the questions.

“You keep saying that he isn’t strong enough to make it through the surgery. But what are the chances of the surgery being successful when he is feeling better.”

There was a pause.

“The surgery might buy Mike some time, but I have to be honest. It is not looking good right now. There is a high possibility that the surgery won’t succeed.”

“So he might not…you know…” Harvey said quietly.

“The procedure is very risky.” Was the only answer Harvey got, and Mike saw how they all looked at him.

“So it might kill me?” He asked. He found it a bit hard to focus now. Things were blurry.

”It might Mike.” The doctor said.

“I…I don’t want to do it then.” He swallowed hard, his mouth dry.

His doctor nodded slowly and looked sympathetically at him. “I know Mike.” He said. “But unfortunately you might not have a choice at this point. As I said have discovered a rather large mass or tumors on your heart that eventually will lead to heart failure or something similar. If we don’t act towards it…”

He paused and Mike just stared at him.

“Right now the surgery is your best option Mike. We are going to wait a few days to try and get you a bit better before it, but it has to be soon I’m afraid.”

“A few days?” Mike repeated.

“Yes.”

“And it’s the only option?” Harvey asked.

“Chemo and radiation wouldn’t be fast acting enough. Otherwise wee would have tried that. But your condition is too bad to handle that now.”

“Okay.” Harvey said.

“I know this is a lot to take in and I’m sorry I don’t have better news Mike. But there is a chance that the surgery will work. If you don’t have any other questions I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”

They hadn’t and Harvey heavily sat down as soon as the door closed.

“Damn It.” He mumbled and hid face in his hands for a moment. Mike watched him.

“Sorry.” He found himself saying.

Harvey removed his hand and looked at him with an angry expression. “What are you talking about?”

Mike didn’t answer because he didn’t know what to say. Harvey shook his head a bit.

“Don’t be. You are doing the best you can. You’ll make it through this as well.”

Mike sighed but didn’t answer. He needed to go through another surgery or he would die for sure. He looked at Harvey. He stared forward with an empty look.

“What if I don’t make it? What if I die during the surgery?”

“You are not going to do that.”

“But there is a possibility.”

“Mike…”

“Can we just talk about this. Can you not change the subject? What is your problem Harvey?”

Harvey rolled his eyes and clenched his teeth before finally meeting Mike’s eyes.

“What do you want to say?” he asked.

”I'm not ready Harvey. I’m just not ready for it to end.” He said slowly not looking away from Harvey.

Harvey took a long time to answer. He nodded though. ”I get that Mike. It's not anything you can be ready for I guess.”

”No it's not!”

”It's not for certain Mike.”

Mike ignored his comment. ”But shouldn't I though, be prepared I mean? Or be preparing. I mean it sounds on them like I should be. Right?”

”Like I said Mike. Nothing is for certain.”

”Says you, not them.”

”Mike…” Harvey sighed and Mike felt like yelling at him.

”So we should just leave it at that and not talk about it then? Is that your solution to this? Never talk about it until it’s too late.”

”I didn't say it was.” Harvey tiredly said.

”We never talk about that it actually might happen. That I might not make it.”

”Damn it Mike! What is there to talk about? What would it help if we did?”

”I don't know Harvey! Because we have never tried it.”

Harvey stood up. ”You know what Mike maybe you should find someone else to talk about this with  then.”

”Why?” Mike pushed.

”I'm not the right person for this!”

”That's not really up to you to decide, is it? It's my decision.”

”It’s my decision too, and I'm not going to talk about it.”

”Why not Harvey? I want to know why. Please.” He felt like he deserved that much and he was desperate to keep Harvey in the room.

Harvey had started to pace in the small space next to his bed but now he stopped and turned towards Mike.

”Because I don't want to Mike. Because it's hard and because I don't want to think about it. I just don't. I refuse to think like that.”

”But you do think about it don't you? Because I think about it all the time. And so what if it's hard? By the way you are not the one dying.”

”I know that and of course I think about it. Of course I do Mike. But I don't want to.” Harvey sat down again.

Mike sat up a bit straighter. He felt like this conversation that they were having right now was an important one, he had gotten Harvey’s attention and the older man had caved to his will. They were doing this.

”Harvey, just because we talk about it doesn't mean that it will happen. It doesn't mean that I'm giving up or something.”

”I know.”

”Do you? Because I think that's what you think. You are scared that if we talk about it, if you talk about it, it will happen. But I can't just ignore it. Not anymore. If it happens Harvey, if I die, I just wish we could have talked about it just once.”

”But why Mike? Why is it so important to you that we do?”

”Because I need to know that's it’s okay!” He exclaimed. He hadn’t been planning on saying this, but now it just flew out of him.

Harvey was watching him. ”That what is okay?” He asked slowly. Almost like he didn't want to know the answer.

”That I couldn't make it. I don't want to die feeling guilty.” Mike felt how his face was heating up.

”Why the hell would you feel guilty?”

”Because I wasn't strong enough to survive.” They were looking straight into each other’s eyes. “Because I was too weak.”

“I don't want you to ever think like that Mike.” Harvey said forcefully.

“I think I will though.” Mike answered stubbornly. “I mean you keep saying that it will be fine, that I will get through this, but what if I can’t? There. Guilt.”

“But it won't be your fault! Why would you feel guilty about something that won’t be your fault?” Harvey’s voice had lowered in volume.

Mike shrugged a little and blinked a few times. “So you won't’ be… I don't know, mad or disappointed if I can't make it?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I won't! Did you think I would? Honestly?” Back to a raised voice.

Mike couldn't help but roll his eyes. “I don't know. It's probably what I would think, yes. How should I know? We have never talked about it?”

“Fine Mike, you win. We can talk about it if that is what you want. We can talk about the fact that you might die.”

“We kind of are, aren’t we? I have already won.” Mike sank back down against the pillows suddenly feeling hesitant. He hadn’t expected Harvey’s hard words. The other man was breathing hard and looked angry.

“This is a weird competition.” Harvey said after a moment and sat down heavily on the edge of Mike’s bed.

“Yeah, we probably shouldn’t call it that.”

“No.” Harvey agreed and got quiet. Mike didn’t say anything either. He was staring down in his lap.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” Harvey asked after a moment. He seemed to have calmed down a little.

Mike didn’t answer at first. He just sat there.

“You will take care of everything right?” he then asked quietly, his voice suddenly shaking a little.

“Yes.” Harvey just said. He didn’t ask what Mike meant, but Mike didn’t need him to. He trusted Harvey that he would do what was necessary in case the surgery was a failure or if something else happened and he died. He had just wanted to hear the older man say it to his face. That was all. It was what he had needed to hear. That and that Harvey wouldn’t blame him if he did die. If he was going to die he didn’t want to be doing it in panic with the thought that he was doing something wrong. He wanted Harvey just be by his side no matter what. He wanted to die feeling supported in that he did everything he could with what he had. And Harvey had just confirmed his wants and needs. Maybe not in those words but it was enough for Mike. Harvey looked sincere.

Now he didn’t really feel like talking about this anymore. It felt kind of stupid since he had been the one to ask for the conversation. But there was one more thing he needed to ask.

“You will be there?”

“You know I will.”

Mike nodded slowly as a feeling he couldn’t explain spread through him at Harvey’s words. He felt close to tears now and he wanted to stop. This was it, it was exactly what he had wanted to hear. He wanted to go back to joking and talking about nothing special. He started to feel stupid. Did Harvey expect him to continue? He didn’t want to, because the tears was just below the surface and he didn’t have the energy to force them away.

“Can we stop?” he blurted out.

“Stop what?”

“Talking about this?”

Mike thought Harvey was going to argue with him, but he just nodded. “Sure.” He said. ”Anything you want Mike.”

“Good.” He paused. “Maybe we could talk about it some other time?”

Harvey nodded. “We can. If you want to we can. I can.”

Mike was grateful that Harvey didn't give him a hard time on insisting that he wanted to talk and then chickened out when they actually did. He rubbed his eyes to get rid of the annoying moisture that had been gathering there. Harvey sat there, still watching him making and him feel embarrassed. He was such a mess!

“Thank you.” Mike said. He tried to relax down into the pillows. He closed his eyes. “For everything.”

“Yeah…” Harvey whispered. Then he sniffed! Mike’s eyes flew open again. Harvey had tears in his eyes! He was looking at Mike and making no effort of hiding the fact that he was crying. Mike couldn’t help but stare at the older man. He had never seen Harvey like this before.

“What…”  Mike started to say, but stopped. Harvey didn’t say anything but pressed his lips hard together. Mike moved his hand and put it over Harvey’s. “Harvey…” He whispered.

Harvey just turned his hand over and grasped Mike’s hard in his. He didn’t say anything but more tears streamed down his face as he sniffed again. His chin trembled and he drew a shaky breath. Mike let his own tears lose then. Why hide it if Harvey didn’t?

He was aching at the sight of Harvey’s devastation. It was because of him, he was doing this to Harvey. At the same time he felt touched. His mind wandered back to the first weeks when he had known Harvey. Harvey had given him a lecture about how he didn’t care at all about Mike or anyone else for that matter. Mike knew since long that it was just bullshit. Harvey cared enormously, and at this very moment he couldn’t be bothered by keeping up his façade. That was something Mike was grateful for, that more than anything made him feel better. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it did. It comforted him and he kept Harvey’s hand in his and slowly moved his thumb up and down Harvey’s fingers. Just like Harvey had done for him on many occasions.

For the first time he felt truly calm as his eyes drifted close. Everything was going to be okay, whatever happened he felt fine with it now. He was ready for it whatever it was. He felt fully supported. Harvey was there and he wasn’t alone. He slowly drifted off to sleep.

_-SUITS-_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all. Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. Life just gets in between sometimes as you know. But to make up for it I'll upload two chapter at the same time now. I had intended it to be just one chapter because I knew how I wanted it to end before I started the next chapter. But as usual I wrote so much in between that so I had to divide it into two. 20 000 words for one chapter felt to long.
> 
> I intend to start to finish this story now. I know how it is going to end now. I'm thinking it will be a few more chapter, but when i starting to write I always get more ideas that I want to write. So I do.
> 
> Anyway. I hope you enjoyed this one! It is a bit heavy. The next chapter won't be much happier I'm afraid.


	55. Chapter 55

**Chapter 55 - … and go.**

Harvey could feel how Mike’s hand got slack in his own and his finger that had been stroking his hand stilled. Harvey squeezed it a bit harder, not wanting to let go. He wanted Mike to wake up again, he truly did, but he couldn’t bring himself to wake him. He drew his hand over his face to get rid of the moisture that was there. He had kind of lost it a little bit. The way Mike had asked those questions had just been too much. Then Mike had thanked him. Thanked him for everything. For a second Harvey had wanted to scream at him. Scream and rage at him to make him stop talking like that. But he had gone the opposite way and started crying. They both had.

But now Mike was sleeping and Harvey had time to collect himself. Sometimes he didn’t feel equipped to handle all of this. How was he supposed to react to the news that Mike needed heart surgery if he was to survive? He didn’t want to hear those words. He couldn’t lose Mike. He just couldn’t. Mike was a part of him now. Family, like a son or a brother.

Harvey just sat there, holding on to Mike. He didn’t feel all that well himself. He hadn’t in a while now. He knew that this affected him more than he let on. He felt all shaky now and kind of dizzy. He had mentioned it to Donna once after she had asked how he was about seven times in a row. She thought it might be stress. She was probably right. But it wasn’t much he could do about that right now.

“Excuse me.” A doctor had entered the room without Harvey hearing it. She had a nurse with her and they both came around the other side of the bed.

“Don’t wake him.” Harvey forced out. ”He just fell asleep.”

“We will try not to.” She said and smiled at him.

“I can see that you are taking care of him.” She nodded towards his and Mike’s intertwined hand. Harvey jerked a little, but didn’t let go.

”One thing that I have always found interesting is that patients stress levels decreases when they are surrounded by people that care about them.” She continued.

“It allows their brains to relax, because when you are alone your brain becomes stressed because it thinks that it needs to solve all the problems at hand by itself. When someone is alone the brain is very active, not in just one part but everywhere. But when trusted people are there, the brain can relax and save its energy.” She paused as she handed the nurse something.

“And also physical contact is a great way to let the brain know that it can relax. Something as simple as holding hands can be extremely comforting. It signals the brain that the problems will be solved together with the loved one, not alone.” She smiled again and lightly stroked Mike’s shoulder.

Harvey could only nod. It felt like this wasn’t really something new for him, he had heard it sometime before, but he could agree on that it was true. Mike’s reactions of when he was close by confirmed it. And it was actually scientifically proven. He should tell Donna that.

“I’ll just sit here then.” Harvey said as the hospital staff left after promising someone would be by shortly again.

The doctor had been right when she said that someone would be there shortly, people came and went at least every thirty minutes. The third time they woke Mike up to have him do some test. Harvey noticed the worried looks they threw each other, but when he asked they just smiled sympathetically at him.

Mike didn’t say much just fell asleep again after they left. He woke later and complained of pains in his chest. He was quiet and pale and Harvey could see how he clenched his jaw and tried to lay as still as possible. It ended a few hours later with Mike being sedated and Harvey was told that Mike would be out for at least eight hours so Harvey could head home if he wanted. After being reassured that he would be notified as soon as something happened Harvey decided to head home for a while. He called Donna and she promised to go to hospital in six hours to sit with Mike. Just in case. He would join her later. He just needed to think about something else and to get away for a little while. He headed over to the gym and two hours later he had exhausted himself enough to when he got home he went straight to sleep.

The next day when he arrived in Mike’s room Donna was sitting next to the bed reading a magazine while Mike slept.

“Oh, hi! He hasn’t woken up yet.” Donna greeted him.

“Good. Thanks for sitting with him Donna.”

“Harvey, don’t thank me. I’m happy to do it. Don’t thank me. I just wish he will wake up soon. I’d like to talk to him a bit before I have to leave.”

“I don’t know about that.” Harvey sighed.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s better that he just sleeps.”

Donna just looked at him for a moment before turning her attention back to Mike’s sleeping form. Harvey watched him too.

“It’s bad now right?” Donna whispered suddenly.

“Yes. It’s bad.”

“But he is still holding on. He is still fighting Harvey. He can still make it through this. He just got to hang on.”

”What kind of life is this though?” Harvey found himself saying not able to look away from Mike’s face.

“Harvey?” He looked up and Donna looked at him with wide eyes.

“I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but you weren’t there yesterday. They had to sedate him because he was in so much pain.” He swallowed painfully regretting his words at Donna’s expression.

“We had a talk yesterday Mike and I.” He continued. “He wanted to know that I wouldn’t blame him if he couldn’t beat this. And after I said I wouldn’t he thanked me. For everything.”

“Oh Harvey.” Donna smiled sadly at him. ”It’s good that you talked. You both needed that.”

Harvey looked down again and observed how the contours of Mike’s face got blurry. He just waited until the moisture had dried out a bit. Neither of them talked. But then Harvey drew a deep breath and gave Donna a smile.

“You are right, you know.” He said. “He is still here. He is still fighting and that’s all that matters at the moment. We’ll just take it one day at the time.”

“Of course.”

“He’s scared Donna. And so am I.”

“Me too, Harvey.”

Mike woke up two hours later. By that time Donna had left and Harvey was utterly bored.

“Hi kid.” He said as he saw how Mike’s eyes fluttered open. He made no attempt of answering or even looking towards Harvey. He was just blankly looking up at the ceiling while taking some shuttering breaths.

“You okay? Do you need me to call someone?” Harvey tried but didn’t get a reaction to that either, so he just pushed the call button anyway. Mike was checked out and they rose his bed a bit and adjusted his pillows. Harvey helped him to drink a bit of water when they were alone again.

“Thanks.” Mike whispered when he was done and Harvey removed the glass from his lips.

“I’m so dizzy…” Mike mumbled and closed his eyes again.

“Okay. Try and get some more sleep then.” Harvey reluctantly told him. He wished Mike was well enough to be awake for longer than five minutes so they could talk or something. That wasn’t the case now.

Mike was even worse the next time he woke up. He pressed both of his hands to his chest and grimaced in pain. Two minutes after Harvey had pushed the button, a nurse had come and went again and Mike was out.

The entire day was spent like that. Mike would only wake for short periods of times, sometimes woken by nurses or doctors. They took him on a test and when they rolled him back into the room and moved him back on the bed Mike had tears in his eyes when he was left alone. Harvey moved closer to him.

“Hey…hey… It’s okay.” He said and took Mike’s hand in his. “You can get some rest now. I’m sure they won’t bother you for some time now.”

Mike made a sound that was something between a laugh and a moan. “Right.”

“I’ll throw them out.” Harvey promised.

”Good.” Mike then screwed his eyes shut and let out a shuddering breath. Harvey felt how he tensed.

“It’s okay.” He mumbled again. Mostly just to have something to say. Mike wasn’t really okay. His breaths came out a bit too hard and shuddering. Harvey didn’t like it at all. One nurse from earlier had mentioned something about Mike’s breathing but he had heard so much information so he didn’t really remember what it was now. He cursed himself for not listening better.

They sat like that a few minutes, neither of them talking much. Mike had his eyes open now and was staring blankly in front of him.

“I can breathe.” Mike whispered brokenly then and Harvey held his hand harder. On impulse he put his other hand on Mike’s chest that was moving rapidly up and down.

“Try and slow down. Just try it.”

“I can’t Harvey.”

“Yes you can. You can do anything you want Mike. I know you.”

It was just words but to Harvey’s surprise Mike seemed to be listening because a few minutes later his breathing had improved slightly. A couple of more minutes later Mike’s grip on Harvey’s hand lessened.

“Good job.” Harvey told him and patted his chest a little. Mike didn’t answer.

The next time a nurse came by she called a doctor and Mike got a nasal cannula inserted to help with his breathing.

Harvey kept his seat next to Mike and only left shortly to get something to eat. Donna came over after work to keep them company for a while. She sent greetings from the others at the firm that cheered Mike up a bit. Harvey and Donna had discussed the possibility of the others coming over together with a doctor, but it had been decided that they should wait with that for now. However Harvey and Donna had decided that one of them should always be there. Donna came when Harvey needed to leave for some reason.

The days floated into each other. Mike was still in a really bad condition. He slept a lot and didn’t have energy to do anything at all when he was awake. Harvey tried his best to engage him in conversation but Mike mostly just laid in bed blinking slowly up at him.

Five days past in a blur from the day that they had been told that Mike needed another operation. Harvey had been home three times in those days, and that had mostly been to shower and get fresh clothes.

It was late at night and Mike was in too much pain to be able to sleep. The pain medication he was on didn’t seem to help him much. Harvey had already decided to have a talk about that the next morning with Mike’s doctor. For now he was trying to distract Mike from it but wasn’t that successful, he was too exhausted himself. He was sitting close enough to Mike’s bed so that he was able to have his elbow on the bed so that he could lean his head in his hand. The other hand held loosely on to Mike’s. Harvey was struggling to keep his eyes open when Mike spoke.

“Am I dying?” he asked.

Harvey sat up then and took Mike’s hand in both of his. He lifted it up and down a few times to buy some time.

“I don’t think you are.” He said slowly.

“Okay.” Mike said. He fell asleep two hours later and Harvey could finally get some sleep of his own.

He woke up from someone shouting. He drunkenly sat up and jerked a little when he saw that there were at least six people in the room, and another one coming inside to join the others around Mike.

Harvey was on his feet in seconds and did his best to push himself in between the others.

“What’s going o…” He froze at the sight of Mike. He was laying flat on his back with his eyes closed, a nurse was holding his head while a doctor was inserting a tube down his throat. They were talking rapidly among them but Harvey couldn’t distinguish a single word they were saying. Mike’s shirt were cut in two and his chest was exposed. It was barely moving. That was all he had time to see before someone grabbed his arm and he was pushed out of the way, then dragged out of the room. The nurse in front of him put a hand on his chest as she spoke to him. He couldn’t hear her. She disappeared back into the room and Harvey just stayed where he was with his eyes glued to the shut door. He didn’t know how much time passed, but people rushed in and out of the room, no one bothering to even look at him.

Finally a doctor came up to him. She had a soda in one hand and pushed it into his and told him to drink it. He did.

“Mike is still alive, Mr. Spector.” She was saying. “His heart momentarily stopped, but we got him back again. He is intubated and sedated as we speak and will remain that way. It’s not looking good. I suggest you get his friends and family here.” She asked if he had any questions but he just shook his head. She squeezed his arm and told him to wait right where he was.

Harvey texted Donna and told her to get the others and come to the hospital. Some time passed and then his phone rang.

“Yes.” He answered.

_“Oh Harvey I’m so sorry. I was sleeping and my phone was on silent. I’m on my way now. Is he okay? Is he alive? Harvey are you there?”_

”Yes. Yes, I’m here. He is alive.”

” _I called the others. They will come too. I’ll see you soon Harvey_.”

He nodded and hung up. He just sat there then.

Donna arrived. Then Louis and Rachel and lastly Jessica. They asked him what happened but all he could offer up was ”His heart stopped.” Mostly they sat in silence.

A doctor came and spoke to them told them that Mike was still sedated but they could sit with him a while now. Harvey just stood up and went inside followed by Donna. Mike looked awful. A machine was currently keeping him alive. Donna was openly crying. Harvey sat stiffly on a chair watching the kid. He didn’t know what to say to comfort her. She stroke his back a little and left after a while. Rachel came inside, then Jessica and finally Louis.

Rachel sat down on a chair and leaned close to Mike and whispered to him. Jessica stroke Mike’s hand a little. “I’m so sorry Harvey.” she said and then left. Louis was pale and didn’t dare to touch Mike. He did speak to Mike though and Harvey fought the urge to tell him that Mike couldn’t hear him. However he remained quiet.

After Louis left Harvey was alone with Mike for a few minutes before the door opened again and Donna stepped inside. She leaned down and kissed Mike’s cheek before turning to Harvey.

“Harvey? How are you doing?”

He shrugged his shoulders after a moment. He felt empty.

“Do you want to talk?”

“About what?”

“Mike. How you are feeling? Anything.” She was standing next to him and had put a hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t know what to say Donna.”

She didn’t answer, just waited, so he continued.

“He asked me last night if he was dying and I said I didn’t think so. That was the last thing we spoke about.”

“He might pull through. His heart is still beating.”

“Yeah, but he can’t breathe on his own.”

“Don’t lose hope Harvey.”

“I won’t Donna.” His voice sounded strange even to himself.

Donna gave him a quick hug. “The others are still here. They are waiting outside and said they won’t leave until there is news.”

Harvey smiled a little and felt suddenly immensely grateful for the three people outside.

Both Harvey and Donna startled when they suddenly heard a gurgling sound from Mike. They flew up and leaned over him. Mike stirred and made a low sound and his body jerked a bit. The next moment the door flew up and three people rushed inside, Harvey and Donna were pushed outside. They held on to each other and stared at the door. Louis, Rachel and Jessica came up to them as well and they all waited.

Mike’s doctor Lundin came to speak to them twenty minutes later.

“Mike woke up.” He said. “He is awake at the moment but not really aware of his surroundings or what is going on. He is in bad condition to say the least. But I’m carefully optimistic at this point. He is really fighting for his life right now.”

He proceeded in talking about Mike’s heart, his values and the fact that they were going to take him on some test when he got a bit stronger. At least it was talk about him getting stronger. Harvey dared to hope for a little while.

“Can we see him?” Donna asked.

"No, I’m sorry we can’t have a lot of people running around here. That’s a no. Harvey, you can stay since I think it will do Mike more damage if you are not here. He needs you more than ever, but the rest of you, I’m afraid that you won’t be allowed in to see him.”

No one spoke when Dr. Lundin was finished. Not even Donna, she was holding and arm around Rachel’s, who was silently crying. Harvey looked at them for a moment before following the doctor into Mike’s room. He felt truly scared of what he was going to meet.

Mike had his eyes opened but didn’t look like he was aware of much just like they had been told. Dr. Lundin tried to speak to him but Mike didn’t react. Harvey tried as well but with the same result.

“I think he knows we are here. As you can see he is still intubated. We don’t think it would be a good idea to get him off it at the moment. We are monitoring him closely. If he shows signs of improvement he will get rid of it, however we are considering to sedate him at the moment. It might give his body some time to relax.”

Harvey just nodded. He felt so subdued. He didn’t feel like himself. He was just numb with worry.

“I know this is incredibly hard, Harvey.” The doctor said as if he could read his mind. “I just thought that if Mike gets more aware it will help to have a familiar face here for him. You that is.”

“Yeah.” Harvey said weakly.

“We are doing all we can for Mike. But at this point we just have to wait and see.”

Harvey nodded and a while later he was alone with Mike again. Or at least for a few minutes.

“Mike?” he tried talking to the kid, held his hand, stroke his cheek carefully, but he didn’t get a response. “It’s okay. I’m here with you. Just keep fighting Mike. I know you can do it. I’m here.”

He kept talking, repeating those words even after Mike’s eyes closed. Mike was indeed sedated an hour later. They would keep him sleeping for a few days now to let him rest. Rest from being awake. Harvey went out and told the others. Donna hugged him in front of Louis and everyone, but he didn’t care and just hugged her back and allowed himself to bury his face against her hair for a moment. He felt a tiny bit better then. The others went home but Harvey stayed.

It was probably the worst few days of Harvey’s life. He was like in a trans. He spent the days sitting in that damn chair and slept on the small cot at the side of Mike’s bed at night. He slept poorly and often woke from terrible nightmares in which Mike never woke up again.

He knew that Donna was worried about him, but he didn’t care that much about that. He didn’t know how long he could take this. The not knowing if Mike was going to wake up again. He sat mostly in silence next to Mike, but spoke to him sometimes when they were alone.

On the fourth day they lessened Mike’s mediation and he woke up later that evening. Harvey couldn’t help but laugh and shed a tear when Mike’s eyes opened again after all of those days and managed to lock eyes with Harvey.

“It’s so good to see you.” He whispered, and he was pretty sure that Mike smiled a little at him. It was hard to see behind the oxygen mask he was wearing. He had gotten rid of the tub the day before. Mike’s fingers twitched a little and Harvey took his hand in his. The fingers twitched again and weakly squeezed Harvey’s hand.

“You scared the shit out of me.”  But Mike was sleeping again.

Amazingly Mike was better the next day. He woke up around noon and stayed awake for almost thirty minutes after being given pain relief. He was more aware and answered the doctor’s questions. And Harvey’s.

For a while Harvey couldn’t help but feel at a loss of what to talk about, but then proceeded to tell Mike about the well wishes he had received from the others. They still wasn’t allowed to visit, but Harvey had spoken to them on the phone.

Two more days passed. Mike was closely monitored and tested. Donna was allowed in and Harvey went home for the first time in almost a week. It was a good thing that he did because when he looked at himself in mirror he got a shock. He looked awful with dark circles around his eyes, messy hair and the beginning of a beard. He couldn’t do much about the dark circles but an hour in the bathroom fixed the rest.

_-SUITS-_

Time was a weird concept for Mike at the moment. He had trouble keeping up. Or actually he seemed to have trouble with everything. The only thing that he currently was good at was sleeping. When he slept everything was okay and he didn’t have to think about anything, but being awake was another matter. Actually he preferred sleeping. He slept a dreamless sleep, maybe drug induced? He wasn’t aware of how much time that had passed between the times of being awake. It was like he was just blinking, but he somewhat understood that time had passed when he opened his eyes again.

He knew that this probably would scare him enormously if he had been more awake. It did scare him, all of it, but it was like the fear was a mist lingering constantly in the back of his mind but not reaching the surface. That was a good thing he decided. It was better that it stayed back there and didn’t reach all of him. Maybe he would die if it did.

He knew that he was dying. He could feel it.

Better not think about that.

Harvey was there every time he blinked. Harvey spoke to him and he did his best in trying to answer. Once when he opened his eyes he almost didn’t recognize that it was Harvey. He kind of looked like another person. A stressed and disheveled person. A sort of person that Harvey wouldn’t like if he saw him.

But next time he blinked Harvey had looked like himself again and Mike wasn’t sure if maybe he had dreamt it after all. Donna was there too sometimes. He liked that. She was always so kind and comforting. Harvey comforted him too. He was in pain sometimes and Harvey would hold his hand then and tell him to breath and other helpful things.

There was a lot of doctors and nurses around him as well. They were all very confusing. He had trouble keeping them apart from each other. They asked him a lot of questions, touched him, and wanted him to do different things. Sometimes he didn’t want to do them, and mostly they would let him of the hook then.

“It’s not good if he gets upset.” He heard someone say to Harvey. Weird.

He was in a lot of pain sometimes after he blinked. That wasn’t nice at all and things were moving so much faster around him then which made him feel dizzy. Mostly they did something that made him feel really good shortly after the very bad. A wonderful feeling spread in him for a short period of time and then he felt all weird and a little happy. He spoke more then and Harvey would get a little amused wrinkle next to his eyes and would answer Mike, whatever he said. That was kind of cool.

His doctor came by one time to talk to him. He said a lot of things that didn’t sound very good. He was talking about an operation again. They just had to wait a little longer for some reason.

“Nooo…” Mike mumbled. He didn’t want to get an operation.

“You don’t want to wait?” Harvey asked with raised eyebrows.

“Noo…not that.” Mike mumbled. He had been too slow.

“Not what?” Harvey asked him.

It should probably bother him more that he wasn’t really able to follow in the conversation.  But he had trouble caring enough about that.

He woke up sometime later. He had some trouble breathing in deeply again and he was in a lot of pain. It wouldn’t go away. Harvey was there with him as usual. They were holding hands. He really liked when Harvey did that. It felt so comforting and it was good to be able to focus on something when the pain got too much. His heart was beating so hard in his chest that it felt like his whole body was moving with the force of it, but he didn’t think that was the case. Something was definitely wrong though.

“I’m I dying?” He had to ask Harvey then because maybe he knew. But Harvey said that he didn’t think so. That was good. He closed his eyes again and waited. Eventually his heart slowed down a little again and he was able to fall asleep.

He woke up from his heart beating so hard that it was painful. Fear engulfed him and he searched around for the call button. He pushed it and tried to stay still. He tried to talk but couldn’t draw in enough air to get sounds out. He could feel himself shaking. Someone was next to him.

No.

He knew what was happening with him now. His heart was about to stop.

The next thing he knew he was dreaming. He didn’t know about what though. He was floating in nothingness. He could hear voices in the background. Someone was there and they were talking. Was it Harvey?

He wanted to reply. He wanted to move. He wanted to open his eyes. He couldn’t do either of those things. All he could do was float there and wait.

Eventually something changed and the darkness that had been pressing around him lessened. He could open his eyes again. It was really hard doing so, but he managed. It was all that he had energy to do. He couldn’t move anything else. Awareness returned to his body and the first thing he felt was something that was in his throat. Something we preventing him to breath. He couldn’t do anything to get it out. He tried to scream and move or anything, but he couldn’t!

Someone was touching him and talking to him, but he couldn’t turn his head to see who it was. Everything got dark again.

Things were slightly better the next time he was awake. Something was over his mouth but not in his throat this time. That was an improvement. He had some more ability to move as well. Even better the next time. He knew where he was as well, and he knew that Harvey was there. He could talk again too. His voice sounded awful and he had to try a few times before he managed to get out the first words. Harvey talked a lot to him. Mike tried to listen but it was pretty hard. Besides it didn’t sound that important.

Donna was there as well then. Sometimes he could only see her. He was too weak to worry about where Harvey was then. But Harvey was there every time he really needed him. Harvey looked a bit changed the next time he saw him. He didn’t know what it was, but it was something.

“Harvey.”

“Mike.”

He didn’t know what else to say. Harvey looked at him questioningly. “You good?” Harvey asked and Mike nodded.

“No pain?”

Mike shook his head.

“How is the breathing?”

“Okay.”

This was the normal questions he had to answer now, almost every time he woke.

Two minutes later he threw up all over himself and it was if something broke inside him then. It was so sudden that he surprised himself. He just panicked. Suddenly everything just hit him out of nowhere. A flood of emotions overwhelmed him and he didn’t know what to do with himself. He burst and everything came out in form of crying, a little screaming and panting. He tried to push the nurses that tried to help him get out his gown out of the way. He screamed at them, hit around himself. He didn’t want them near him.

Strong hands gripped around his wrist and someone screamed his name right into his face. It was Harvey of course.

“God kid! Calm down! Calm the hell down Mike!” Harvey pressed his hands down and gripped his shoulders instead. “What’s wrong? Talk to me!”

“Nooo..” Mike yelled. “Let me go! I don’t want to.”

“What don’t you want? Just tell me and I will help you.”

“Nooo…” Mike moaned as he tried to catch his breath. He sobbed a little.

“Okay. Okay. Okay.” Harvey said. Then he just pulled Mike towards his chest and held him close. Mike was pressed against him and couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He pushed against Harvey that eased up his hold a little, but didn’t let him get away. Mike found himself crying against Harvey’s shoulder for a few minutes. Then he let them help him change. He felt awful and embarrassed and was still crying.

“It’s alright. That’s enough freaking out okay. You are giving me gray hairs like this you know. Just relax. It will be better soon. You will feel better soon.” Harvey was babbling next to him.

A nurse wiped his face, he couldn’t meet her eyes.

“You have to take it easy Mike. You can’t freak out like that.” Harvey continued while the nurse fixed his pillow under his head.

“I did…didn’t mean it.”

Harvey nodded a little. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Mike turned his head away from him and cried a bit more. He just couldn’t stop at the moment.

“Oh, kid. Come on.” Harvey said kindly. “I know everything sucks.”

“Yes it does.”

“Okay…” Harvey said slowly. “Do you want me to lay next to you for a bit?” He offered then.

“Yes…”

“Okay. Good. I’ll just… we need to move you a little bit to the side.” Eventually Harvey climbed up next to him on the bed. Mike groaned when Harvey lifted his head a bit and quickly slid his arm under him. He then pulled Mike against him and rested his chin on top of Mike’s head. He then shushed him a little.

“You are okay now.” He said firmly and Mike forced himself to relax. He actually felt better like this. Like Harvey was protecting him from all the shit that was happening to him. He fell asleep like that.

_-SUITS-_

Harvey could feel how Mike’s body in his arms slowly relaxed more and more, and when he shifted a bit Mike didn’t stir. He let out a deep sigh. Shit! That had been exhausting. He hadn’t had any idea of what to do when Mike suddenly became totally hysterical from one second to the next. But he had fixed it and now he felt pretty proud of himself.

He still couldn’t help but feel a bit embarrassed when a nurse stepped inside and stopped in surprise when she saw Harvey on the bed as well.

“I thought it would help.” Harvey muttered.

“Of course.” She smiled. “It seems like it did. Good thinking. Hugs can be effective with panic attacks.”

“Yeah.”

He stayed a few hours on Mike’s bed, but then got a cramp in his arm and had a nurse help him lift Mike of him. The kid thankfully didn’t wake up.

When he did he tried to apologize for his earlier behavior but Harvey just told him to shut up.

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t care Mike.”

“But I…”

Harvey shook his head. “It’s forgotten.”

“Okay then.”

Things really changed from day to day now. The day that followed Mike seemed better and he received a visit from Rachel. But the day after he was in horrible pain again and was drugged up so that he was pretty out of it for the rest of the day.

He was incredibly tired the next day as a result of the heavy medication. He was taken for a test that took so long that Harvey started to worry as he waited in Mike’s room. Donna was there that day and was currently in the cafeteria to buy them something to eat.

Harvey turned towards the door when it opened expecting to see Mike being rolled in, but it was just Dr. Lundin. Harvey’s felt himself tense when he saw the expression on the other man’s face.

“Harvey.” He said. "I'm just here to inform you that we are taking Mike in for emergency surgery right now.”

“What?” Harvey stared at him as he tried to gather his thoughts to understand what he just had been told. “What do you mean surgery? You said that you were going to wait until he was stronger.”

“I know I said that but the situation has changed after we saw the latest test results and we need to do this now. If we do it now he might have a chance.”

“But you said he wasn't strong enough before and that he wouldn't make it through an operation. Now you are saying that…” Harvey was interrupted. He knew he was repeating himself, but this couldn’t be happening now. He wasn’t ready.

“And now I'm saying that if we don't do this now you will have to say goodbye to him within the next few days.” The doctor said firmly.

Harvey felt himself go cold but at the same time sweaty. He swallowed hard and nodded.

“Yeah, okay I understand.”

“We are preparing the OR for him as we speak. You are welcome to sit with him until we are finished. I can take you to him right now.”

Harvey nodded again, his mouth dry. He shakily stood up. The doctor put a hand on his arm.

“You should say what you need to him. His chances are not good. We will do our best of course, but…there are risks as you know.”

“I need to get Donna.” Harvey said with a hoarse voice suddenly remembering that she was at the hospital too. The doctor nodded, told Harvey where to find Mike and hurried away along the corridor. Harvey went to search for his secretary as a million thoughts were running through his head but he just tried to force them away and focusing on searching for Donna.

He found her a few minutes later in line at the cafeteria. He took her by the arm and started to head back where he came from.

“Harvey, what are you doing?” she protested.

“It’s Mike. He is having the surgery now.”

“What? But why? They said he isn’t strong enough yet.”

“He isn’t going to be strong enough without it.” they were still walking, but Donna ripped out of Harvey’s grip when he said this.

“What are you saying Harvey?”

“I’m saying that if they don’t do it now, he will die within the next few days.”

“Oh god.” Donna put a hand over her mouth, tears appearing in her eyes.

“Donna, we get to talk to him before the operation. We have to go.”

She nodded and pushed past him, he followed.

A nurse stopped them outside the room Mike was in.

“We are almost finished for him. I’m afraid you only have a few minutes.”

They both nodded and Harvey felt nervous when they stepped into the room. It was a strange feeling to be nervous about talking to Mike. It was still Mike, but the situation was so serious.

Mike was laying on the bed supported by a few pillows. He had an oxygen mask on. He was connected to so many wires that even Donna hesitated next to him, not knowing where to touch him. It looked like he was sleeping, he had his eyes closed.

“Harvey?” Donna whispered and he realized that he was just standing there. He joined her next to the bed. Donna leaned down closer to Mike. “Mike, sweetie?” She whispered as she stroke his arm. They watched as his eyes blinked opened. His hand went up to the oxygen mask, but Donna gently stopped him.

“Leave that alone, Mike.” She stroke his cheek and kept her hand on his arm. Mike tiredly blinked and tried to focus his gaze on her. “Hey.” Donna whispered when he succeeded.

He tried to talk, Harvey could see his lips moving, but nothing came out.

“It’s okay Mike. We are here. Harvey is here too.”

“Yes, I am.” Harvey said and moved closer. “Do you know what’s going on Mike?” he asked.

Mike nodded a little. “Op...Operation.” He whispered.

“Yeah, that’s right. They are going to do the operation now. They thought that was going to be better this way.”

Mike did no attempt in trying to look towards him, and Harvey wasn’t even sure if he had gotten what he had just said. He carefully laid his hand on Mike’s cheek and turned his face against him.

“Hey.” He whispered when Mike’s eyes finally met his. However Mike couldn’t hold his gaze for long. Harvey wasn’t sure if Mike was really aware.  It took way too long. Harvey spoke when Mike held his gaze again.

“You know it's going to be fine, right?” Harvey calmly said. “You are going to be fine and Donna and I will wait for you. We will see you after you are done. You can do this.”

Mike was staring unseeingly up in front of him, showing in no way that he had heard what Harvey said.

“What Harvey is saying Mike, sweetie, is that we love you. And that we are here for you.” Donna didn’t bother to wipe her tears away.

Mike looked at her then. His eyes were shiny and his lips moved again. But then he just moved his hand a little and Donna took it in hers.

“Oh sweetie.” She whispered and brought his hand up and kissed it.

Mike moved his gaze toward Harvey then and they locked eyes. Harvey forced himself to smile and nodded a little. He then laid his hand on Mike’s bony shoulder and squeezed a little. Mike blinked slowly in acceptance. And that was all the time they got because the door opened behind them and two people in scrubs stepped inside and started to prepare to move Mike’s bed.

Harvey and Donna followed as long as they were allowed. Mike had his eyes closed and Harvey wanted to yell at him to open them again. But then he was gone.

“Oh god.” Donna turned against him and started to cry, he hugged her and willed his own tears away. Was that the last time he saw Mike alive? He hugged her harder.

What followed were ten hours of an excruciating wait. They were showed to a small room where they could sit in private. When Donna had gathered herself she had called all the others and Louis, Rachel and Jessica showed up one at the time. They waited mostly in silence.

A few hours in the door opened again and to Harvey’s surprise Adam stepped inside the room. Nodded towards Harvey and sat down on the couch closest to the door. Harvey nodded back and couldn’t help but smile. He felt kind of touch towards the nurse for showing up.

Harvey couldn’t believe where he was right now. This was it. If they succeeded with this operation Mike might still have a chance to continue to fight. If they didn’t succeed Mike would be gone.

He had to take a deep breath and clenched his teeth so hard together it almost hurt. He couldn’t bare that thought. Mike couldn’t die. Harvey didn’t know what he would do if that happened. If that door opened and someone told them that Mike didn’t make it. He immediately started to dread the fact of the door opening.

His mind flooded with images of Mike. Not just from the latest time but also from before. From the first time he met Mike. Their first case, the first time Mike was in court. The first time Mike found evidence that made their case. They way Mike wanted to fist bump with him and how he eventually had agreed to it. He thought about the secret that they still shared, not many people knew. He hadn’t thought about that in a long time. He didn’t care about that now. It was nothing compared to Mike’s illness. He also thought about other things. Like when Mike’s grandmother had died and they had gotten high together. It had been a good night. He had really enjoyed himself. Oh how he wished for more night like this. He just wanted this whole thing to be over. If it just was over he would make sure they had thousand more of night like those. Maybe not involving weed. It wouldn’t be that healthy.

He found himself smiling to himself a little as he thought back. He looked up and met Donna’s eyes. She looked worried. “I’m fine.” He whispered and she nodded a little.

Harvey was dozing in his chair but immediately woke up when the door opened and two doctors stepped inside. On surgeon that he recognized from earlier and Dr. Lundin. Harvey felt his heart starting to beat hard as he stood up and watched the two men take a seat in two chairs.

Donna shook Louis awake and they all waited in silence. Rachel had tears in her eyes.

“I want to start by saying that Mike is alive.” The surgeon said and it was like everyone in the room let out their breaths collectively.

“Unfortunately” Dr. Lundin continued. “He is barely holding on.”

Rachel let out a sob and Harvey clenched his fist. The hope that had filled him a few seconds ago vanished.

“The operation was as successful as we dared to hope. We had trouble with getting Mike’s heart to start beating again. For a couple of minutes we actually lost him but we got him back. He really fought well, it’s incredible actually.” The surgeon said.

“There is not so much we can do at the moment. We have done everything in our power to remove as much of the cancer cells as possible. It’s a waiting game now to see if Mike can recover from this. He is incredibly sick and unfortunately anything can happen at this point. Mike might die at any moment.” His college continued and he took the time to look at all of them while he spoke.

“I know how difficult this must be for all of you.” He added.

“Some good news is that Mike is breathing on his own. This night will be crucial. Anything might happen. I’m sorry for being this blunt but I need you to understand the seriousness in the situation.”

He locked eyes with Harvey and he felt forced to nod once. He understood.

“I want to be with him.” He said.

The doctors exchanged looks. “You may.” Dr. Lundin said then.

Harvey sat down heavily again. The conversation continued. They talked more about the surgery. Of possible outcomes. They had done the operation to free Mike’s heart of a mass of tumors that had threatened his blood flow. It had been a high risk that Mike’s heart wouldn’t have been able to pump blood to Mike’s body. If that had happened he would have died within days. They had fixed that now, but the operation put so much stress on Mike’s heart that they didn’t know if he was going to be able to recover from it. If he survived the next 24 hours there was a chance.

After the conversation Harvey was taken to a room in the ICU where Mike was. He had to scrub himself clean and put on hospital clothes and a mask, but he just did all they asked without a word.

Mike looked like he was barely alive. His skin was grey and it looked like he had been punched twice, the circles below his closed eyes were that dark. He was connected to more machines than ever and Harvey felt like crying as soon as he laid eyes on him. But he was still alive.

“You can stay as long as you like.” The kind nurse that had accompanied him inside told him. “Just let us know if you need anything or if you have any questions.”

Harvey nodded stiffly and stepped up to Mike’s bed.

“Mike.” He breathed, and then he let the tears flow for a little while. He was just standing there looking down at Mike and crying. He actually felt a bit better afterwards. The mask he wore was wet and he had to get a new one, but the nurse that gave him one without him having to ask for it. Like she had been expecting it.

Harvey finally sat down on a chair next to the bed and moved as close as he could. He took Mike’s slack cold hand in his own and started to wait. He could do this. Mike could do this.

It was a bad night, to put it mildly. The worst night so far. Harvey didn’t slept at all. He just sat there watching how Mike’s chest moved up and down.

Harvey counted every minute as a win. Every minute was a minute closer to Mike’s survival.

Mike had never been worse than this before. This was what all of the doctors had been talking about, preparing them for from the beginning of this journey. He squeezed Mike’s hand a little harder. It got no reaction from Mike.

Three hours passed. Then four. Five. Eight and ten without any change what so ever. Mike just laid there, breathing, sleeping. Nurses and doctors came and went all the time. One nurse forced Harvey to eat a sandwich and drink a bottle of water. She wouldn’t leave until he had.

Fourteen hours. Harvey had never been awake this long before. He felt awful, but couldn’t take his eyes of Mike.

Eighteen hours and the nurse from earlier had brought a cot into the room and said that Harvey needed to use it. He refused.

He couldn’t stay awake any longer when twenty hours had passed. A nurse promised to sit with Mike and Harvey fell down on the cot and was asleep within seconds.

When he woke up again Mike was still alive and 25 hours had passed. Harvey shed some tears again from relief. But he didn’t dare to hope for much. He couldn’t allow himself too because Mike hadn’t changed.

Mike opened his eyes 46 hours after his surgery. Harvey was there when he did and his whole being was tense from relief and hope. But it wasn’t that much of good news that he had thought. Mike showed no signs of understanding what went on around him. He just blinked slowly and stared in front of him. But he was awake.

58 hours passed. Mike was still alive. He had been awake a few times. Harvey slept an hour here and there when a nurse could sit with the kid and he was sleeping. Harvey wanted to know the second something happened, or the kid woke up.

72 hours and Mike wasn’t any better. Harvey just felt so damn frustrated. He didn’t know how aware Mike was about what was going on around him. He didn’t really talk at all, one doctor told them that he probably couldn’t. Sometimes he would open his mouth though but nothing came out. Mike’s eyes were glazed over like a veil of unawareness had been placed over them. At a test last night someone had pointed a small flashlight into Mike’s eyes and he barely reacted. The nurse had looked concerned and at Harvey’s question about whether Mike’s was blind or not she had just smiled sadly at him and excused herself. He had read somewhere about cancer patients going blind before they died. He hoped it wasn’t the case for Mike, but he couldn’t be sure now. Maybe it was like the first time he had gotten blind.

“I can’t answer that Mr. Spector. There is now way of knowing right now.” The doctor Harvey asked about it answered.

At 81 hours Mike got a bit worse. His breathing changed and he was hooked up with and oxygen machine. At 98 hours he was well enough again to not need it.

104 hours after Mike had come back from his surgery it happened.

"Harvey?"

Harvey jerked a bit at Mike’s voice. It was so quite that he wasn’t even sure he had heard right but when he looked over at Mike he jerked in his chair when he saw that Mike was in fact looking at him! This time when he looked into Mike’s eyes he saw an awareness that he hadn’t seen in them in long time, over five days to be exact.

“Mike? Hi there. You are talking.” It was all he came up with to say. He felt genuine happiness stream inside of him.

“Hi.” Mike breathed. He blinked slowly but forced his eyes open again.

”Tha-thank you for… for being here.” He then said.

“Sure Mike. Of course. I’ve been waiting…” but Mike started talking again.

“Thanks…thanks for everything Harvey. For…For hiring me, for being my friend. For always being here.”

Harvey didn’t say anything, just looked at him. What was he doing? Was Mike saying good bye? He swallowed before answering.

”Well, thank you for accepting the job and for bursting in and disrupting my life the way you did.”

”I really…really messed your life up. Didn't I?”

”No.” Harvey said after just a moment. ”You fixed it.”

Mike blinked slowly up at him. A smile ghosted over his face. His eyes remained closed longer between each time he blinked and Harvey thought he wouldn't say anything else. He was wrong.

”I knew it.”

It was a whisper and that small smile reappeared for a moment before Mike closed his eyes. He didn't open them again after that.

_-SUITS-_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all. I'm really sorry for the cliffhanger. I couldn't help it. I know this is all very sad, I upset myself as I wrote it. This chapter is a turning point for the story. It will be different from now on.
> 
> I wanted to thank all of you who have read, favorited, followed and reviewed this story! Really. I've worked on it for years now, and I know the chapters are ridiculously long sometimes and that I go into a lot of details, but that's how I like to write. I have also tried to make it as realistic as possible to some extent at least.
> 
> When I started this story a friend that was going through something similar to what Mike is going through in this story and I just wanted to write a story about such a journey. It helped a bit. That's how it all started. I really like this story now. And I would love to hear what you thought of these two chapters! It's amazing that you have followed the story this long!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed these last parts. I'm working on the next now. I hope you won't have to wait for so long! 


	56. Chapter 56

**Chapter** **56.**

Harvey’s heart hammered in his chest as he watched Mike’s sleeping form. But he couldn’t help but smile a bit to himself. He had spoken the truth right then. Mike had filled out something in his life, a hole that he hadn’t been aware of existed there. Mike had stumbled into his life and changed everything, for the better. He never wanted to go back how it was before.

This journey of Mike’s illness had brought them closer than Harvey ever had been to another person. Never before had someone been so dependent of Harvey and never before had he felt so needed. And he wanted to be needed. He really did. If Mike survived this their relationship would always be close. He would always have Mike there by his side, whatever happened just as he would be by Mike’s. Going through something like this really changed a person. Mike’s change hadn’t been all positive of course. But Mike had learnt to really trust and let someone else into his life in a way that Harvey didn’t think he had done before.

He leaned forward and hugged Mike’s hand in his, not caring if he woke him up or not. Truth be told he kind of wanted to wake Mike up. He hadn’t liked the way the kid had talked just minutes ago. Sure the meaning of it was wonderful, but it had sounded so final. Like Mike was saying goodbye.

Harvey had heard about terminally ill patients that right before their final moments had gained some extra energy to be able to say goodbye to their loved ones before they passed. That couldn’t have been the case with Mike right now, could it?

Harvey watched him closely. No, Mike chest was still moving up and down. A glance at the heart monitor told him that his heart was beating. He sighed. Damn kid. Was he doing better now? Was his speech just now a sign of improvement? Or was this the last time he had spoken to Mike?

He hated this! The not knowing what was going to happen, part. Especially when it was something as serious as whether Mike would live or die. He drew a deep breath and felt how he tensed. He tried to relax. He stared at Mike’s chest. He tried to let it calm him. Up and down it moved. Again. And again. Yes, Mike was alive.

Harvey decided right there that he wouldn’t sleep that night. He was going to stay awake and keep watch. He needed to make sure nothing happened. He needed to make sure Mike didn’t do anything stupid. Like dying. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head a little. He wished he had something to distract thoughts like this with. All he had now was the movements of Mike’s chest.

It was an extremely long night for Harvey. He did stay awake. He did exactly what he had decided to do, no matter how much one of the night nurses nagged him about getting some sleep. He refused and he suspected that he even had made her a little afraid of him. But he didn’t care. Mike was his responsibility and right now Mike needed him to keep watch. So that’s what he did.

And by morning Mike still hadn’t opened his eyes. He was still sleeping. Not once had he stirred. He didn’t even wake up during the probably twenty times he was checked out by nurses or doctors.

Mike was still alive. However barely. _He is barely alive_ that was what one of the night doctors had told him. Harvey had wanted to yell at him and demand that he never stepped his foot in Mike’s room again.  All those things that people said, that Mike was hanging on by a thread, he was holding his own, balancing between life and death, and it was all bullshit. Mike was still here! He was still alive.

If Mike slept like this it couldn’t be that bad, could it? It meant that he was still fighting. His heart was still beating in his chest against all odds. The kid had a strong heart. Two open heart surgeries and the countless times Mike’s heart had stopped beating proved that.  At least it proved something! Harvey had some trouble forming coherent thoughts by now. Maybe he should just rest his eyes for a few minutes. Maybe if someone could keep an eye on Mike.

He stood up for a while. If he walked around for a bit he wouldn’t fall asleep.

“Harvey? How are you doing? I’ve said your name twice.”

Harvey spun around and saw doctor Lundin in the doorway. He stepped inside the room and walked over to Mike.  He checked Mike’s chart and watched the heart monitor. He mumbled something that Harvey couldn’t make out.

“How is he?” He wanted to know and the doctor turned back towards him.

“I understand that he was more coherent last night?” He asked.

“Yes he was. He…he thanked me.”

Dr. Lundin smiled a little. “I see. Harvey that is a good sign. He is still fighting.”

“Damn right he is!”

“You know that anything can happen at any time for someone in Mike’s position. But I have to say that it is good news that his night passed without mayor incidents.”

“And?” Harvey asked.

“We’ll just have to wait and see.”

Harvey couldn’t help but roll his eyes a little. “What do you think I’ve been doing the whole night?”

The doctor nodded. “Of course. I know how hard this is. You know what Harvey? I could sit with him for an hour or two if you want to get some sleep.”

Harvey hesitated.

“If something happens I know what to do.” The doctor smiled.

“Sure.” Harvey said three seconds later. “You wake me for anything, even if he just moves a finger.”

“I will.”

Harvey decided that it would be okay then. It would be fine if he just went to get a few hours of sleep. Mike was in capable hands. This man in front of him was someone that all this time had fought to keep Mike alive. Suddenly he was filled with so much gratitude that he extended a hand and shook the somewhat surprised doctor’s hand.

“Thank you.” Harvey said and held the man’s hand a bit longer, nodded and went over to the small bed, laid down and was asleep seconds later.

He woke up so suddenly that he almost fell out of bed. He must have dreamt something because he almost felt panicked as he looked over towards Mike’s bed. Doctor Lundin was still there and looked up from Mike’s chart that he had been studying.

“Everything is fine.” He said quietly.

Harvey tried to relax and closed his eyes for a second.

“Are you alright?” The doctor asked.

“I’m fine.” Harvey answered automatically.

“I’m sure you are.” The doctor said.

Harvey stood up and went over to Mike’s bedside. The kid looked the same as before. Incredibly bad.

“I just want him to be okay.”

“I understand that. To be honest it’s a miracle that he is doing as well as he is right now. He has been sleeping calmly this whole time and his heart seems to be doing its job at the moment. I have been able to adjust his medication slightly.”

“Why?”

“Remember that Mike had problem with an ulcer? It’s almost been forgotten during all of this with the surgery. I don’t mean that we literally forgot, I’m just saying that we had more pressing matters as you know. But I don’t want Mike to be in more pain than he already is, so we can take stronger actions towards that now.”

Harvey didn’t really like the sound of that. “Stronger actions?” He questioned. “You’ve been saying that he is barely holding on for days now.”

“But he is holding on. I don’t think this will affect him all that much, I just wanted to keep you informed about the latest changes in Mike’s care.”

Harvey nodded. “You think he will wake up soon?”

“Hopefully. Give him time though.”

Harvey just nodded again and sat down.

“I’ll have to go now Harvey. A nurse will stop by soon. If you have any concerns just let me know.”

He walked towards the door, but stopped.

“Harvey. I want to remind you that Mike is still very ill.”

Harvey felt anger surge through him and he kept his eyes firmly on Mike until he heard footsteps walking away. He knew what the doctor had implied. Mike could still drop dead at any moment, that’s what he meant, and Harvey hated that insinuation. Why did he have to say that? Well, it was probably so that he wouldn’t get his hopes up too much. But what did it matter, if Harvey had hope now it would make him feel better at the moment. If Mike died he would be destroyed no matter what. It would take him by surprise no matter what.

Mike just kept sleeping. Or maybe he was sedated, Harvey wasn’t really sure. What he did know was that Mike was not awake and that he had to wait until Mike woke up. He texted with Donna a while, telling her that Mike was the same. She wasn’t allowed into the room. Harvey thought it was stupid but he didn’t argue with anyone about it, just as long as he didn’t have to leave himself.

The next day and Mike was still asleep.

“I actually think this is a good sign, Harvey.” Dr. Lundin said after he had examined Mike. He had ordered a nurse to adjust Mike’s medication after he reportedly noticed signs of that Mike’s body was stressed in some way. Harvey couldn’t see any difference in the younger man, but he was exhausted on the other hand. The hospital staff had mostly stopped telling him to sleep or go home and rest. They just let him be and Harvey was grateful for that.

Things changed the day after. Mike showed signs of worsening much to Harvey’s disappointment. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Mike was supposed to get better, not worse. Mike had developed a fever and that worried the doctors that took care of him a lot. Harvey got it all explained to him and could understand the danger a fever posed for Mike’s weakened state. The main worry was that Mike might develop an infection along or within his incision site. Mike had been thoroughly examined but so far it was okay.

Mike woke up at exactly quarter to one that day.  Harvey knew the time since he just had checked the time since he was starting to get hungry. Mike suddenly started to cough and then he moaned and his eyes flew open. Something burst inside of Harvey as he saw Mike’s blue eyes again. Relief flooded through him and he realized how scared he had been to never see his eyes open again. It had been a real possibility. Harvey had thought a lot about that all of those hours when he waited for Mike. Because it was also a possibility that Mike himself hadn’t believed that he would open his eyes again. Mike had said goodbye to him. The more Harvey had thought about that the more certain he was of that fact. Some parts of him hated Mike for doing that. For giving up. Other parts of him hated himself for letting Mike down to the extent that Mike didn’t believe in himself. It was all so messed up.

Now Harvey leaned forward and grabbed Mike’s shoulder.

“Mike, are you with me?” he asked carefully as he pushed to alarm. They needed help now.

However Mike wasn’t with him. He wasn’t with him at all. Mike’s eyes just rolled around in his head in a scary way when Harvey carefully shook him. Neither the nurse nor Mike’s doctor who arrived four minutes later got any real contact with Mike and he was passed out soon again. However the doctor claimed that this was a good sign. Harvey had a hard time seeing it that way though. Mike’s eyes had been so empty, like he wasn’t there at all. Like he was still sleeping, only with his eyes opened. And maybe that had been the case.

Mike’s fever steadily rose within the next few hours. It wasn’t with much, but it was rising. Mike woke up again later that night. He wasn’t there this time either, no matter what Harvey did or say he couldn’t even get Mike to look towards him.

When Mike was out again Harvey noticed that he himself was tense and shaking, he had been so nervous. He got up and paced around the room while a doctor checked Mike’s chest once again.

“It looks a bit worse.” He mumbled and Harvey wasn’t sure it was directed at him.

It got worse, of course it did, because this was Mike and things couldn’t just be easy with him. What the doctors had feared happened and Mike had an infection. It turned out that somehow Mike had managed to get an infection in the wound from his latest surgery, and his body was now fighting this infection with all it had. Which couldn’t be much, Harvey couldn’t help but thinking. It resulted in the fever and Mike’s current unresponsive state. He now had a fever of a hundred and one. No that that high but high enough. Apparently it wasn’t just the fever, his wound was also hurting him judging from Mike’s reaction when anyone tried to come near his chest. He wasn’t really that aware but he did try to get away and let out an, in Harvey’s ears, terrible sound when they held him still to examine him. Harvey had wanted to push them away.

Mike wasn’t really responding to Harvey either when he did his best in trying to comfort him later. When Harvey tried to put a hand on Mike’s shoulder the kid jerked away and moaned. His eyes were closed and he didn’t open them no matter how many times Harvey asked him to.

“Hopefully this will help him.” A female doctor told Harvey after she had ordered a nurse to put some kind of cream on Mike’s incision and then put some sort of special bandage on it.

“And if it doesn’t?” Harvey asked.

“We’ll try something else.” She answered.

Harvey sometimes got annoyed of all the people that constantly came into the room. Sure they were there to tend to Mike, but still. Mostly they let him stay in the room, but some of them asked him to leave. Harvey usually refused and only left when they occasionally threatened him with bringing security. That was mostly some new doctors which came during the night shifts. The others had learned that it was better to let Harvey be there.

Harvey was getting frustrated. Mike was still alive and fighting, but Harvey just wished that he would get more coherent. It would make everything so much easier for everyone.

“It is troubling, sure. But I think he will come around soon.” Dr. Lundin told Harvey when he brought it up with him. “I understand this is difficult for you Harvey, but we do have to give Mike time.”

Harvey just clenched his teeth and nodded. Sure. More time. How much time did the kid need to get over that horrible fever? Harvey didn’t know how much longer he could take of Mike moaning in his sleep. Why couldn’t he wake up?

Harvey was going to go crazy. He had no one to talk to. He had met Donna shortly in the corridor outside Mike’s room. She wasn’t allowed to go inside after she had sneezed while scrubbing to go inside of Mike’s room.

“I’m not even sick. It was just the soap.” She had complained to Harvey and had him to promise to give Mike a hug when he got better.

“You can do it yourself.” Harvey had complained.

“Just stay with him. Just let him know that he is loved.” Donna had suddenly tears in her eyes and Harvey understood how disappointed she was about not getting to see the kid. He patted her back and said that he would.

Mike was not much better the next day. His fever was still high and he was clearly in pain. He hadn’t been given much pain killers since they wanted Mike’s body to fight, or whatever. Harvey just felt angry at that. He hadn’t been able to change their minds. They just said that when the next doctor arrived he would make a decision.

“Well, get him in here then!” Harvey had all but yelled, but was met with a “He will be here soon.” from the nurse that was in the room at that moment.

Mike was squirming on the bed. His hand either gripping the cover hard or traveling up to his chest in an attempt to try and get the pain away from there. Harvey carefully restrained his hands as they came too close. Mike’s doctors didn’t want him touching his the bandage over his chest. He could make it worse.

Mike didn’t seem to be noticing what Harvey that was doing now. He just tried to tear his hands away from Harvey’s grip to try the same thing again. Harvey tried to sooth him, tried to get him to understand what was going on, but he wasn’t successful. The whole situation was just awful and scary.

After an hour with no change a nurse suggested that he take a break and Harvey found himself looking hesitantly between her and Mike.

“He won’t notice if you aren’t here. I’ll stay with him.” She said and Harvey just nodded and stood up and left without looking at Mike. If he did he would change his mind. But she was right. He needed a break. He stiffly walked out of the room, his back aching from the position he had been in. However that was nothing compared to what Mike was feeling. He was in so much pain that he didn’t have a clear view of his surroundings. It killed Harvey inside to see Mike like that and not being able to even let Mike know that he was with him.

Preferably he would have found somewhere to sleep but he didn’t have anywhere to do so.  He wasn’t hungry either and he only planned to stay away from Mike’s room long enough to regroup and collect his thought again. And maybe calm down a little. This led to him aimlessly wandering around the hospital. He took the elevator down to the main floor and found himself outside the gift shop. On impulse he walked in. It was pretty big with shelf after shelf with things that might be helpful for anyone in a hospital environment. He passed the section with chocolate boxes and get-well cards, walked past the stands with balloons. He stopped for a moment wondering what Mike would say if he bought him a balloon shaped like a smiling shark with a little hat and a bow tie. In this state Mike wouldn’t even notice it but maybe later, when he got better he would. Maybe the kid would appreciate a gift? Harvey hadn’t bought him anything except for his birthday. Why hadn’t he done that?

Mike would be glad for a gift from him, he was pretty sure of that. So he decided to get him something! The thought actually cheered him up more than he thought it would. But what to buy? A balloon was out of the question. It was just stupid, but what else?

Not something eatable, Mike would throw it up. A card seemed useless, and besides he would have to come up with something thoughtful and encouraging to write and he didn’t have it in him at the moment.

His eyes fell on the shelves in the corner of the shop filled to the brim with stuffed animals. He walked over. Maybe one of those?

He had never bought a stuffed toy in his life. There was probably thirty different types to choose from. It was pretty stupid. Some of them were quite ugly as well. He imagined Mike bringing a green elephant back to his condo and paled a bit. Never. There were a few that were classier though and after a few moments he was satisfied with his choice. He picked it up and headed for the cash register before he would change his mind and realize that this was silly.

“Good choice. I saw that you were back there for a while. This is one of our best sellers.” The young man with freckles behind the counter said. “But these decisions are important. Is it for your son?”

Harvey stared at him feeling embarrassed. He hadn’t been back there that long, had he? And was it for his son? But answering no, it’s for my grown associate, didn’t sound right.

“Yes, it is.” He said instead.

“I’m sure he will love it!” The guy said enthusiastically. “Do you want it gift wrapped?”

“Eh no, just a bag please.” Harvey said and handed over a bill. He couldn’t wait to get out of here now. This was so stupid.

He went back to Mike’s room after that. The nurse was still there. She smiled when she saw his bag but didn’t say anything other than that Mike was asleep again. She told him that Mike had been sedated, after his doctor had been there to see him. It have been decided that it was the best option for Mike. Harvey agreed to that.

Mike woke up again though a couple of hours later. This time he was more lucid than earlier. Maybe it had to do with the increased drugs in his system. He was examined and taken for test as Harvey had waited in his room. When Mike got back Harvey was then asked to step out the room for a while. Mike was still awake when he got to go inside his room again.

“How are you feeling?” Harvey asked lightly, stepping over to him.

Mike just blinked slowly. He didn’t even move his head in Harvey’s direction to look at him when he answered.

“Bad.”

Harvey nodded a little. It was to be expected, Mike looked awful. Face pale and sweaty. He was tense and had one hand protectively over his chest.

”Does your chest hurt?” Harvey asked.

Mike was quiet for a long time. “Yeah.” He then whispered. Harvey saw how his lip twitched and his eyes started to look shiny. He still didn’t look in Harvey’s direction. A moment later a tear trailed down his cheek and he brought a hand up to wipe it away. When the next one came he didn’t bother. He wouldn’t look at Harvey and didn’t say anything.

Harvey was hurting with him. It was so awful seeing Mike suffer like this, just laying on a hospital bed and silently cry while he endured the pain he was in. When Mike suddenly tensed like he was trying to push his back down deeper in the bed like he was trying to escape the pain in his chest Harvey remembered his gift. He hastily stood and walked over to the door where he had left the bag with the toy. When he turned back towards Mike the kid was finally looking at him. Meeting his eyes had Harvey stopping in his tracks. Mike looked devastated.

“Oh kid. Hey, I wasn’t leaving.” He put the bag on the floor next to his chair. He reached for some tissues, aware of that Mike now was following his every move.

“It’s okay now Mike. It’ll be okay. Don’t worry.” He mumbled quietly as he carefully wiped Mike’s face. “It will pass, you know. It will hurt less soon. You just got to wait a while longer. Just hold on.”

Mike didn’t speak but nodded a little. New tears ran down Mike’s face and Harvey wiped them as well. When he felt how Mike leaned his head towards his hand he kept his hand along the side of Mike’s warm face. He took a deep breath when he felt the moisture there. Harvey hushed him a little when Mike also took a deep breath. The kid had his eyes closed now and had turned his head towards Harvey’s hand as if seeking comfort from it. They stayed like that for a long time. Neither of them spoke. They just waited for the worst to pass. For things to ease up a little bit.

Eventually Mike turned his head back on the pillow and blinked his eyes opened. He nodded a bit towards Harvey. He had stopped crying now and Harvey thought he was a bit more relaxed.

“Is the worst over?” He asked quietly.

“Think so.” Mike whispered. “Thanks.”

“Shitty day, huh?”

Mike huffed a little. “Try year.” His voice was hoarse. This was the first time in a few days that Mike was well enough to hold a conversation. That in itself was amazing considering the last talk that they had. Harvey wanted nothing else then to bring that up again, he wanted to know if Mike had thought that he was dying and if he had been saying goodbye. But now wasn’t the time to ask about that.

“It’s good to see you awake.” He said instead. “I’ve been worried.”

Mike looked at him a long time before nodding.

“I’m proud of you Mike.” Harvey found himself saying next. He just needed to get that out.

Suddenly something in Mike’s appearance had changed. His eyes opened a bit wider and he seemed to stretch himself out a bit.

“Thanks.” He said. “Means a lot.”

Harvey smiled at him. “You know what? I actually brought you something.”

Mike watched him with a bit more interest in his eyes. Harvey reached for the bag and pulled up the stuffed animal. He held it out towards Mike.

Mike just stared at it and made no attempt to take it. He then looked up at Harvey and back to the toy. Harvey suddenly felt uncomfortable with the whole situation. What was he doing buying the kid a toy?

“Look, it’s stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking. You don’t have to take it.”

Harvey made a move to take the stupid thing back when Mike spoke.

“No.” His hands now shoot out and grabbed the toy and he pulled it towards him as if afraid Harvey would actually remove it from him.

“No I… I… thank you, Harvey.” He watched it with wide eyes. “You never… given me anything… like this before.” He said more to himself then to Harvey.

“Well… I just thought that it might cheer you up a little. You see what it is? It’s a puppy.” Harvey smiled as he met Mike’s eyes. And to his joy Mike smiled back. So what if it was stupid and silly. Maybe that was just what they needed.

“Oh... because I am a… a puppy or what?”

“Yes you are.” Harvey patted his head a little still smiling remembering when he had used that analogy on Mike. It felt like ages ago.

“Thank you.” Mike said again looking at the toy dog. “It does… cheer me up.”

“I’m glad kid.” Harvey felt how something heavy that he hadn’t really been aware of was there lifted from his chest. Mike was smiling!

He watched how Mike carefully placed the dog over his chest right along where his incision was. A little more lifted and a bit of hope filled its place.

_-SUITS-_

This was the best he had felt in a long time. Like in forever. Sure he hurt all over, especially his chest was hurting like crazy. He just wanted to dig his nails in there and rip all the hurt away. But that wouldn’t make anything better. He felt so warm and dizzy too. And he felt a little nauseated, like if he sat up he would puke.

He had a vague memory of that everything had been about a hundred times worse during the last few days. He barely knew if it had been real or not. He remembered hands on him, turning him, pushing him, hurting him. He just didn’t know why it had been down, why they had been hurting him so badly. He had tried to get away. He was pretty sure that he had tried to call for help as well, but hadn’t really been able to do it properly. The cancer and all it brought with it had been holding him down, almost like he had been trapped under water or something worse, maybe trapped in syrup. If that was anything like he had felt. Hindered in everything he tried to do, move, speak or even open his eyes.

So no, it hadn’t been pleasant at all. He just wanted to forget it all now because what made him feel so much better despite of everything was Harvey and what he had just said and done.

He had been in so much pain that he had been as paralyzed. He couldn’t speak to ask for help, he had tried but his mouth wouldn’t open. He didn’t even try not to cry. But Harvey had been there and he had helped him. He had said nice things to him as well. Things that helped him. Even if he didn’t know if they were true or not.

But when Harvey had said that he was proud of him, he had believed that Harvey was. Proud of him. Harvey was proud. That had helped him. He had kind of forgotten the ache from the wound on his chest. And everything that had been holding him down so far disappeared. Not entirely because he had some trouble talking, it was exhausting to force out enough air to be able to form sentences.

And then Harvey had gotten him a gift! Harvey had thought it would cheer him up. Harvey had almost looked embarrassed when he held out the stuffed dog for him. It was soft to touch and a bit heavy when he carefully put it over his chest. The weight of it put a comfortable pressure on the aching wound and the pain eased a bit. That was amazing. And what also was amazing that he had gotten it from Harvey. Harvey had went to a store and bought it for him because he thought it would help Mike. And a toy of all things.

When Mike looked up at the older man he could see how Harvey’s tired features lightened up a bit. Harvey smiled at him like Mike just told him that he had found some loophole in a contract that would lead them to win some case. Mike didn’t really understand why Harvey looked like that, but he tried to smile back and thought he was successful.

Shortly after, the door to his room opened and a nurse and a doctor stepped inside. Mike clumsily pulled his cover over his chest and the toy dog. He didn’t want them to see it. What if they took it from him? And also a tiny part of him felt embarrassed about hugging a stuffed animal to his chest. They probably saw what he did but they didn’t say anything.

They seemed happy that he was doing so much better. Mike sort of thought that it was an overstatement. He didn’t feel so much better at all. He felt like crap. But they were happy that he was talking now, as they said.

They had a talk with him after that. It was a serious and depressing talk. It was about how low his chances were and about everything that could go wrong. About how screwed he was still. He was told that he had a fever from some infection. On top of everything. When would he catch a break? Harvey seemed to be thinking along the same lines as him. He listened to the doctor with a wrinkle between his eyes.

Actually he didn’t want to listen to all of that, but he didn’t say anything. Nothing he said would change anything anyway, and he had enough with breathing without talking as it was. So he just laid there. But then he got tired. So he fell asleep. He knew that they were still talking, but he didn’t care. Harvey was listening on his behalf anyway.

When he woke up again he still had the dog over his chest and Harvey was still in the room.

He smirked a bit when he saw that Mike was awake.

“You got bored of the conversation?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Mike said. “Bored.”

“You want me to give you a recap then?” Harvey kindly asked.

“No. I don’t want… to know.”

“Fine.” Harvey nodded. “How is your chest?”

Like he was a child being asked about an injury he had forgotten the pain returned with full force and he groaned. Harvey patted his arm a bit.

“I’ll get a nurse in here.” He said.

He felt all better an hour later. He had been bit drugged up and had gotten a change of clothes. They also redid the dressing on his chest. He hadn’t seen much of it but it looked all red and messed up. They put some cream on it though and reassured him that it looked better. He wondered how it had looked before.

Suddenly there was a careful knock on the door and when nobody stepped inside Harvey went to open it. It turned out that it was Rachel. She had a little bag with her.

Harvey stepped aside to let her in and she hesitantly walked up to Mike’s bed. He smiled at her, and when she saw that he did that she returned it, however it did look a bit forced.

“Hi Mike.” She said shakily.

“Hi.”

“Well, hi Rachel.” Harvey said, closing the door behind her.

“Oh, hi Harvey.” She glanced at him and Mike could see a faint blush on her face. He couldn’t help but grin. He stopped when Harvey glared at him though, but the older man had an amused glint in his eyes.

“You will be here for a while right, Rachel?” Harvey didn’t wait for her response. “Mike, I’m heading for lunch, okay?”

“Okay.” Mike nodded.

“You give me a call if you have to leave or if something happens, and I’ll be back.” Harvey said turned to Rachel again.

“Eh...sure.” She said.

“Perfect!” Harvey said happily and was out of the room.

Rachel sat down on his vacant chair with raised eyebrows.

“I know I haven’t seen him in a while, but what happened?” She said.

“I changed him.” Mike said simply.

“Yes, I think you did!” She smiled for real this time. But when she studied him she paled a bit and her smile faded.

“That bad?” Mike asked.

“Oh, no. I didn’t… Well yes Mike. You look… changed.” She finished weakly. “I have been so worried. We all have Mike.” She said quietly as her dark brown eyes bore in to his. He didn’t know what to answer her.

“Sorry.” Was all he could come up with.

“No, don’t apologize. I’m just glad to be here. I spoke to Donna and she really wants to see you. She claims that she is the healthiest person that ever was, but they won’t let her in to you.” At Mike’s look she continued.

“She was on her way in to see you, but she sneezed so now they think she is sick.”

“She sneezed?” Mike let out a laugh. “How does that… sound?”

Rachel giggled a bit. “I don’t know, I can’t imagine her sneezing.”

“Right.”

“She told me to bring you this.” She brought the bag to her lap and took out a light pink blanket. Mike stared at it.

“It’s ecological made from some special fabric that is supposed to be good for you. She explained it all very carefully, but I’m afraid I kind of forgot half of it.” She stood up and spread it over him. He didn’t know what to say. Sure it was really sweet and all, but still.

“It’s pink.” He said.

“Yes, she mentioned that too. She said to tell you that the blue ones were out, so she had to buy this one.” Rachel’s mouth twitched a bit. Mike now noticed that it barely covered him. It reached him to his knees.

“It’s for babies. Right?” he had to ask.

“I think it is.” Rachel pressed her lips together and looked seriously at him. “Maybe the one’s for adults were out too.”

“I’ve become a child.” He groaned and Rachel laughed now.

“There is nothing wrong with that.” She said. “I think Harvey and Donna has become your mum and dad as well. You three make a nice family.”

Mike smiled weakly at her. “What are you then?” He carefully asked.

She didn’t look at him but instead put her hand on his arm carefully avoiding his IV. She trailed along the arm down to his hand and lightly held on to his fingers. “Whatever you want me to be.” She said quietly.

Mike didn’t answer, just squeezed her fingers in his. A sudden longing rose in him then. She looked so beautiful and she was sitting at his bedside holding his hand. Oh, how he wanted to live.

Then their moment was gone when the door opened and Dr. Lundin stepped inside.

“Oh.” He said. “Am I interrupting, Mike?”

“No, it’s fine.” Rachel removed her hand from his and stood up, suddenly unsure of what to do with herself.

“I just wanted to say hello. I heard you were awake Mike. It looks like you are doing a bit better today.” He picked up Mike’s chart and looked through it.

“Yeah.”

“I hope you are keeping this up. Do you mind if I listen to your heart beat?”

Mike didn’t mind.

“Nice blanket and oh, you got a new friend I see.”

“What?” Mike muttered and felt himself turn red as he realized that his doctor was talking about the stuffed puppy that was placed neatly next to his pillow. Rachel must have seen it as well. For a moment he didn’t know what had happened here. He was now covered in a pink baby blanket and had a stuffed toy with him in bed. Neither was very manly.

“Does it have a name?” the doctor now asked with an amused expression.

“No.” Mike mumbled.

“Okay, if you take a deep breath.”

Five minutes later Mike was alone with Rachel again. She was sitting next to him. She looked hesitant again, he didn’t know why that was. He was getting kind of tired again.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“Mm…”

“Are you falling asleep?”

“Mm…” He noticed that his eyes were closed and opened them again. When had that happened?

“You can sleep if you want.” Rachel said.

“Okay. Thanks Rachel.”

When he woke up again, Harvey was in the chair Rachel had been in when he fell asleep. Was that the first time ever that he was disappointed to find Harvey in that chair? He soon forgot about it though, because he felt so nauseated that he had to stay absolutely still with his eyes closed not to throw up. Harvey managed to get a nurse to give him something for it.

“We don’t want you to throw up on this nice blanket after all. It’s a good choice. We have it all over the NICU.” The nurse babbled. Mike groaned again and Harvey let out a laugh.

Mike slept for much of the next following days. His doctors were happy with his progress and he was told that he was doing well. He didn’t know how they could think that, since all he did was sleep. He was so damn tired. It was still hard for him to have longer conversations. Sometimes it was hard to follow when people spoke to him. At first it freaked him out a bit, but then he decided not to care too much.

Donna was there one day. Mike had been a bit drugged up for chest pains again, these were not related to the incision though, the infection was almost gone by now.

She had gotten rid of Harvey somehow. She and Harvey had been talking a lot and Mike had tried to listen but had then trailed off. Now she was sitting next to him holding his hand in hers.

“It’s so nice to see you Mike. I’ve missed you a lot sweetie.” She said and Mike felt all warm inside and squeezed her hand.

“Mike, honey. There is something I wanted to talk to you about. Are you listening?” She said next. He nodded.

“The thing is that it is Harvey’s birthday in a couple of days. I don’t think he is aware of it, but I just wanted to ask you if you would like me to get him something from you?”

Mike felt a little more awake at that. “His birthday? When?”

“On Saturday. I thought we could surprise him a little. A mini surprise birthday party in here.” She waved around his room. “If you are up for it, that is. You can say no of course, it was just an idea.”

“Yes. I want to do it. Donna. I want to do it.” Mike made an unsuccessful attempt at sitting up. Donna rolled her eyes at him and pushed the button on the bed.

“So you think it’s a good idea then?” She continued. “I just thought I would get him some gifts and a cake.”

“It’s a great idea.” Mike smiled at her.

“Good. I’ll set it up then. Do you know what you want to give him?”

Mike shook his head. He had no idea. He had no idea that Harvey had his birthday so soon. He had totally forgotten about it. But what should he give Harvey? He wanted to give him everything! Or not everything, but something really special. Something that held meaning and showed Harvey how grateful Mike was for his support. But what in the world would that be?

“Why don’t you think about it for a bit?” Donna suggested. “And whatever you think of I will take care of it.”

“Whatever?”

“Of course.”

Mike believed her.

During the next two days it was almost all he could think of during his time awake. That wasn’t a lot though, and Harvey being there all the time disrupted him. Harvey also seemed to be a bit worried when Mike was so quiet.

“Is there something wrong Mike?” Harvey asked him.

“No.” Mike answered.

“You are not in pain are you?”

“No.”

“Are your breathing alright?”

“Yes.

“Does your heart feel okay?”

“Yes.”

“Can you answer with more than one word in a sentence?”

“Yes.” Mike smirked.

Harvey rolled his eyes. “I set you up for that one.” He said. “You are acting weird that’s all.”

“I’m not weird.”

“Whatever, kid.” Harvey returned to his laptop after that and left Mike alone to think.

On Mike’s birthday Harvey had given him a lot of thoughtful as well as useful gifts. That had been the best birthday he had had since his parents died. He still felt all happy when he thought about it. It was all thanks to Harvey. Hell, he was still alive thanks to Harvey.

He knew that he had been close to dying both before and after his latest heart surgery. One night Harvey had told him all about it. Harvey had asked him if Mike had thought that he was going to die.

“Do you remember waking up and then thanking me?” Harvey had asked. “You thanked me for hiring you and for being your friend.”

“And you said that I fixed your life.” Mike had answered him. He remembered that. It had been an important moment. He had felt at peace then. He still remembered the feeling. He had woken up just like Harvey said and somehow he had felt clearer than earlier. He had seen that Harvey was awake and took the opportunity to say all the things he thought that Harvey should know. He had been afraid that Harvey would dismiss it all and tell him that everything would be fine and that he shouldn’t thank him like that. But Harvey hadn’t done that. Instead he had said that Mike had fixed him and his life. That was a moment that Mike would forever treasure in his mind.

“I did.” Harvey said had said. “It’s true Mike. You did.”

“I don’t know if I thought I was dying. Maybe.” Mike answered. “I wanted you to know.”

“I do know.” Harvey had swallowed hard and nodded. He had leaned forward and squeezed Mike’s shoulder a bit. “Try and get some sleep now, kid. I’ll be here.” He said.

“I know.” Mike said and had closed his eyes. He heard how Harvey went over to his own bed and Mike’s hand had wandered up along his pillow as it did now and then. He still had the stuffed animal in his bed, however hidden below a pillow. It was just comforting.

He fingered on the soft part of its leg now. He tried to do it so that Harvey didn’t notice, but he wasn’t sure if he was successful or not. Harvey had never said anything about it.

But now he had to focus. What should he get Harvey? He needed to tell Donna today, so that she would have time to get it. She was coming over later.

Something that he couldn’t get rid of in his mind was the thought that what if he died, then this gift might be the last thing he gave Harvey. He didn’t want to think like that, but couldn’t stop himself. After all, one of his doctors had said that it was a miracle that he was still alive.

But this gift needed to be special enough so that Harvey could have it to remember him by, if needed. What could that be? He had no idea. Or he had had some ideas but had dismissed them all. This was kind of stressful. He needed help. There was no one except Harvey there and he couldn’t ask him. So he picked up his phone and opened a new search field. He wrote _thoughtful gifts_ , when the words _for best friend_ popped up as a suggestion he clicked on that.

25 best friend gift ideas. He clicked on that. Only stupid stuff. Sure, Harvey wanted a ukulele. Here, something to remember me by, you can play it on my funeral. He closed the site. He probably spent an hour searching, only interrupted once by a nurse. He had nothing and he was getting slightly panicked. He had added the word _personal_ to his search and a lot of engraved necklaces and bracelets turned up. He couldn’t give Harvey a bracelet either. When he added _male_ the suggestion was engraved watches instead. Slightly better. But what if he died? Would Harvey want to walk around with a watch that constantly ticked when Mike’s heart had stopped doing the same? Maybe not. If he survived it would work though. Then the watch was a pretty good idea. Well, he wasn’t planning on dying any time soon. He would go for the watch.

But he couldn’t stop surfing around. Maybe something else would be nice too. Harvey deserved two things. He ended up on some weird page were people sold handcrafted artsy stuff. When Harvey was at the bathroom he pushed the call button and when a nurse turned up Mike quickly asked her if there was possible to get stuff delivered to the hospital. She looked so surprised at the question that Mike had laughed if he wasn’t so nervous about Harvey coming back.

“Well?” he asked.

“I guess you could. I can help you if you want.” She then gave him an address that he could use. It was just in time because Harvey stepped out into the room a minute later.

“Bye.” Mike said decidedly and she left with a confused look.  

When Donna arrived two hours later and they had gotten rid of Harvey he told her about his watch idea. She was supportive.

“It’s a nice gift Mike.” She smiled, probably sensing his hesitation. “I’ll take care of it. What kind of watch would you like? And what do you want it to say?”

They spent the next hour looking at watches until Mike was starting to get a headache from looking at the screen of Harvey’s computer for so long. He wanted to sleep.

“Don’t worry, Mike. Harvey will love it.” Donna said as she stroke his forehead and straightened his cover and blanket.

The headache got worse and was followed by some pretty bad chest pains. He wanted to cry, it hurt so much. They drugged him though and he felt a bit out of it. He woke up that night from being in pain. A doctor was there and upped his meds, making him feel a bit loopy. At least not in pain. Harvey was sleeping again when Mike suddenly remembered the second gift that he had thought of buying. He had to order it today if it would be here on time. He scrolled along the site he had found and saw everything from the wooden chairs to frames and candle holders. He felt a bit weird. Maybe he wasn’t in a good condition to shop for gifts, he was so drugged up. But he had to do it before midnight.

Eventually he fell for something. A small wooden candle holder. Candles were always nice. He bet that Harvey didn’t have one at home. Everyone needed to have some candles at home. It was homie. Harvey needed more stuff like that. He still didn’t have any curtains!

He placed an order, added giftwrapping and choose express delivery. Nice!

He fell asleep with his phone in his hand.

The next day wasn’t a very good day. He had to take some test that he didn’t really fancy all that much. Harvey was helpful enough to tell him it could be worse, he could be intubated or something. Would Mike like that better? No he wouldn’t. But it wasn’t Harvey that was in pain afterwards. It was him, Mike.

He probably had a fever again. He was so sweaty that he wished he could get rid of all his clothes. He settled with his hospital gown and his baby blanket. It was actually pretty amazing. Pretty thick, but still let through air. He didn’t care much about his feet anyway.

Adam came to see him that day, and that was the only good thing about that day. Adam complained about a new patient that he had been assigned and begged Mike to get well enough to get home so that Adam could come back to him and Harvey. Mike promised to do his best.

On Friday Mike was a bit better. Donna showed up after dinner that night to show him the watch she had gotten for him to give to Harvey. Harvey himself had been sent away to buy coffee for Donna. He had started to tell her that he actually was her boss, but she just looked at him and he left.

“Teach me how to do that?” Mike begged.

“I don’t think you need it.” Donna said and picked up a box with the watch from her purse and showed it to him. He stared at it in awe, and suddenly wanting one himself.

“Donna, it’s amazing!”

“I know. What do you think about the engraving? The right size?”

“It’s perfect. Do you think he will like it?”

“He will love it.”

“Thank you for doing this Donna.”

“You’re welcome Mike. I have everything ready for tomorrow now. I’ve spoken to your nurses and they know the plan.”

“Good. Anything I can do?”

“Yes, stay well enough to get through tomorrow. I’ll come around ten. You will be awake by then right?” She smiled.

“I’ll try.” Mike smiled back.

“What are you two talking about?” Harvey was in the doorway, watching them suspiciously.

“Mike is going to try a manicure.” Donna said without blinking.

“Really? Is that your thing?” Harvey handed Donna her coffee.

“I said I’ll try it once.” Mike vague mumbled, and when Harvey looked away he glared a little at Donna. She left fifteen minutes later and Harvey and Mike waited for the night round.

“So which color will you go for?” Harvey asked.

“What?”

“For the nail polish.”

“Shut up!”

They really took Harvey by surprise the next day.

Mike woke up early and just waited for the time to pass until it was ten. When Harvey woke he feigned sleep, just so that he wouldn’t reveal something. And also, he didn’t want to disappoint Harvey by not saying happy birthday, incase Harvey expected it.

Mike accidently fell asleep for real and woke up again by a nurse carefully shaking his arm.

“I’m sorry to wake you, but this just arrived for you. And I think you need it soon.” She nodded towards the bathroom where Harvey was brushing his teeth. Mike blinked up at her wondering what she was talking about for a moment before realizing. This was the nurse that Mike had asked about the shipping address, and now she held out a small giftwrapped box for him.

“I’ve heard about Mr. Spector’s birthday, so I took the liberty of open the package.” She explained. “It’s almost ten.”

Mike accepted the box hesitantly. He had a bit of a hard time now remembering exactly what it was inside. He knew that he for some reason had ordered a candle holder for Harvey, but couldn’t picture it. What had he been thinking? He grimaced a bit and placed it below his pillow.

“How are you feeling?” The nurse helped him to sit up.

“Good.” Mike mumbled.

“How is your pain level? Any pain?”

“A little.” Mike admitted.

“If you just take this, I’ll have the doctor come by in two hours. Do you think that will work?” She said as she checked the machine next to him. She then handed him his morning pills.

“It works.”

“Good morning.” Harvey said as he stepped into the room.

“Good morning.” Mike answered.

They small talked for a bit. Or Harvey asked him the normal questions about if he slept well, was he in pain, any nausea. Mike mostly answered no. He had his phone in hand and constantly checked the time. Where was Donna? It was only two minutes to ten.

Mike eagerly looked up when the door opened but was disappointed when it was Dr. Lundin, followed by the nurse from earlier. What was she doing? She had said that the doctor would come first in two hours.

The doctor greeted them and the turned to Harvey.

“I’m actually here to talk to you Harvey. I was wondering if you could come with me to my office for a few minutes.”

“What is it about?” Harvey asked and glanced over towards Mike.

“If you don’t mind I would like to take it in my office.” The doctor insisted. “Nurse Amanda will stay with Mike.”

“Alright.” Harvey sighed and stood up. “I’ll be right back.” He added towards Mike, who just nodded. He thought he knew what was going on. He was right because not a minute after Harvey had closed the door it opened again and Donna hastily came inside.

“Hi sweetie.” She said. “You good?”

“Yes, Donna. Hi! You did that?” He nodded towards the closed door.

“It’s supposed to be a surprise, isn’t it?” She had a large bag with her and with the help of the nurse she placed a small cake on a table. She also had nice napkins, plates, glasses, juice, and two small balloons that she hastily tied to Mike’s bed. She also placed a few gifts on the table.

“These are from Louis and Jessica.” She mentioned to some of them. “They probably would have come, but I didn’t know how you were going to feel, so I thought it best if it was only the three of us.”

Mike nodded.

“Okay. It’s finished. Thank you so much Amanda.” Donna said. The nurse smiled and left the room.

“You are amazing Donna.” Mike told her.

“I know.” She smiled. “Now we wait. I wonder what your doctor is talking about with Harvey. I just asked him to stall.”

“Organ donation?” Mike suggested. Donna hit him on his leg.

“What? My other organs work!”

“Don’t joke about that.”

“Sorry.”

“He’s here.” Donna hushed him and they saw the door open.

“Mike, do you know anything about your values after the…” Harvey stopped talking midsentence and just stared at the balloons and the table. “What’s…”

“Happy birthday!” Mike and Donna said in unison.

“What?”

“It’s your birthday today.” Mike kindly explained.

“It’s my…”

“Yes. Your birthday.” Donna said.

“”You was born today a long time ago.” Mike added.

“Not that long.” Harvey automatically said.

“When did you pull this off? Did you know about this?” Harvey looked at Mike.

“I told you I’m not weird.”

Harvey laughed. “Thank you. Both of you.” He said and walked over and hugged Donna and shook Mike’s hand. He patted his head as well.

He then sat down and Donna handed him a gift.

“You didn’t have to do this.” Harvey looked genuinely happy.

“Yes we did.” Mike said. “We did.” Harvey just looked at him then.

“Open it.” Donna said.

And Harvey did.

_-SUITS-_

If Harvey had been Mike in that moment when he opened the door he had probably had a heart attack. It was his birthday! How on earth had he forgotten about that? Well, Mike, was the answer there, but still, he knew which date it was.

Of course Donna was behind it all.

“You got the hospital people involved?” He asked. “No wonder I never had heard about your latest values from the test you took two weeks ago. He was just bullshiting me, wasn’t he?”

“I had a test two weeks ago.” Mike defended his doctor.

“You have tests all the time.”

Mike didn’t argue with him. “Just open it.” He said instead. Harvey still had a gift half unwrapped in his hands.

He had gotten his own Dictaphone from Louis.

“You too!” Mike laughed.

Donna had given him a sweater and a tie. Jessica had gotten him a book.

“That one is from Mike.” Donna said as Harvey grabbed the last gift on the table. When he looked at Mike he thought that the kid looked more alive than he had seen him in a long time. He looked more alert than usual, and even had some color to his face.

Harvey opened the black box in anticipation and saw the most beautiful watch he had ever seen. He just sat there and looked at it for a full minute.

“Do you like it?” Mike’s hesitant voice woke him from his thoughts.

“I do.” Harvey said and was surprised when his voice broke a little. “It’s very nice. Thank you Mike.” He hurriedly added.

“Take it out.” Donna urged and Harvey did so. He heard Mike swallowing when he picked it out of the box and looked at it closer. It was something engraved on the back of it.

_You made me who I am - Mike_

 Reading those words made Harvey feel something deep inside of him. He couldn’t put it into words, but it filled him with warmth and he felt tears rise in his eyes. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the text.

“I didn’t know what to write on there. I thought about so many different things that I wanted to write, but it wasn’t that much space to fit all of it, and I was thinking that I needed something, I don’t know. It’s stupid isn’t it? I should have thought of something better.” The kid was rambling.

“Mike, just be quiet. It’s perfect.” He looked at the younger man. “This is the most special gift I ever gotten.”

Mike blushed and smiled a little when Harvey put the watch on. It fit! Donna huffed beside them.

“Your gift was perfect as well, of course.” Harvey hurried to say, making Mike laugh.

Harvey rose and sat down on Mike’s bed and gave him a hug. Mike looked so surprised and didn’t have time to hug back before Harvey released him again.

“Who wants cake?” Donna asked then.

Mike groaned a little. “I’ll puke.” He said. “Sorry.”

“That’s why I only have two plates.” Donna said and handed Harvey one of them.

“What? Why? What if I had wanted to try?”

“I’m Donna.” She said.

They had a good time after that. Mike was pretty quiet, but he was deadly ill, so he was excused. The kid had leaned back on the pillows and settled with just watching them and adding something now and again to their conversation. Donna showed Harvey a card from the office.

“I couldn’t get all of them to sign it.” She said. “It didn’t feel right to force them.”

Mike laughed at that.

When the cake was gone Mike hummed a bit and Harvey looked at him. The kid were holding out another wrapped box towards him. He looked a bit embarrassed.

“I got you this as well.” he said.

“Thank you.” Harvey accepted it and opened it. He was surprised to say the least. What he was holding in his hand was made out of wood. There was a round hole on top of the squared wooden thing and Harvey understood that it was a candle holder. There was two engraved hearts in different kinds of wood on the side of it. One larger and darker and the other one smaller and lighter. It was actually pretty beautiful.

“Oh.” Mike said when he saw it.

“Thank you.” Harvey said again.

“Oh, it’s lovely Mike.” Donna said.

Mike started to laugh again. “It’s a candle holder Harvey!”

“I knew that. I have to get some candles.”

“I can get you some, I have a lot.” Donna offered.

“Eh… I was a bit drugged when I got it.” Mike explained then. “I guess I thought it was fitting since I have heart cancer. And well… you always take care of my heart.” He finished weakly, blushing heavily now.

“Oh Mike. That’s so sweet.” Donna told him and patted his leg, which was the only thing of him within her reach.

“It is Mike. I appreciate it.”

“It’s super weird though. I got you, Harvey Spector a candle holder!” Mike groaned and closed his eyes.

“Well, its super weird and sweet, kid.”

Mike just made a face at him. “Drugged.” He pointed at himself.

“Thank you, both of you.” Harvey ignored him. He liked Mike’s explanation, even if he had been drugged it was a fitting. It held meaning. Harvey already knew he would treasure these gifts. All of them. Besides, he had heard somewhere that every household should have at least one candle holder.

Mike’s doctor arrived again a while later. And jokingly apologized to Harvey for luring him away. Harvey did like this man.

Mike passed out a little after that visit and slept for five hours. Apparently their little birthday celebration wore him out. Donna was sad that she had to leave while he was still sleeping.

Harvey had started to read the book he had gotten from Jessica when he was interrupted.

“Excuse me?” There was a knocking and a doctor Harvey hadn’t seen before was standing by the door. Behind her was a younger man also dressed in scrubs. Harvey put down his magazine and quietly walked over to them before checking Mike to make sure that he was still asleep.

“Yeah?”

“I’m Doctor Cajsa Jansson I work at the research department here at the hospital. This is the room of Michael Ross right?”

Harvey studied her a bit before nodding. She was a middle aged women with thick purple glasses and short gray hair. “That’s Mike over there.”

She smiled and held out her hand to shake his and then introduced her collage as her research assistant Emil Jarl.

“I was wondering if we could speak for a moment, I understand you are Mr. Ross’s main care giver.” She said after Harvey had introduced himself as well. He felt a bit uneasy meeting new doctors but followed them outside after a glance at Mike. Still sleeping.

They sat down on a few benches close to Mike’s room. The doctor started to explain the research project that she was working on. She started with explaining about the cancer research she had worked on earlier and Harvey couldn’t help but sighing.

“Look,” he said after a few minutes. “I would appreciate if you could get to the point. I shouldn’t leave him alone for too long.” Mike would probably be sleeping for a few hours now, but she didn’t know that.

 “Right, of course. I'll just get to the point then. Emil and I are working on starting a trial for a new way to treat cancer and right now we are looking for suitable candidates to participate. We believe that Mr. Ross might be a good fit for this trial.”

Harvey raised his eyebrows looking back towards Mike’s room. He felt the urge of just getting up and walking away from these two people coming now with something that Mike probably could have benefited from months ago, but instead he told them to go on.

“To put it very simple what the trial aim to achieve is to cure soft tissue cancer forms by injecting a substance designed to target the cancer cells and cause them to destroy themselves.”

“And why haven’t we heard about this before. Mike is…” He paused. ”Where were you months ago?”

He noticed the glance the two people in front of him gave each other.

“Well, we don’t have a lot of founding and we have been having some trouble with getting approved to try it out on patients. But we believe we are in the process of getting approved, so we have started to look for participants. That’s when we learned about Mr. Ross’s cancer.”

“And why is that? What makes you think that it will work on Mike?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, but we don’t know if Mr. Ross will be able to take part or not yet. We would like to run a few test...”

“And why would we do something like that? He has been through enough tests as it is.”

He watched the woman’s response to him to see her reaction but she didn’t falter. If he was honest with himself his heart was beating hard in his chest as something close to hope started to grow.

“From what I understand is his situation very serious and right now you don’t have many options left.”

“What?! So what you are saying is that you might as well try it out on Mike because he’s fighting a losing battle anyway? What on earth makes you think I’m going to allow you to use Mike as some kind of guinea pig?”

He was standing now. The two people in front of him both looked a bit shocked at his outburst. When no one spoke Harvey turned and started to walk back to Mike’s room.

“Because we believe that it might work.” This time it was Emil who spoke. When Harvey stopped and looked at him he blushed and bowed his head. His collage looked at him before turning to Harvey again.

“Mr. Spector, I know how this must sound to you, when we are coming to you like this when Mr. Ross is in the state that he is. I’m sorry, but what do you have to lose? We are not coming with any guaranties what so ever. As I was saying, we haven’t tested this particular from of treatment on humans yet. It has been done in a similar way though, with varying results. But our way is new. I also can’t promise that we will be able to go through with the trial. We will need to put Mr. Ross through some test to see if he will be able to participate or not. But if his values are good enough there is a good change he will be able to receive the treatment.”

She paused and looked into Harvey’s eyes.

“If we would agree to this, what's the side effects? The risks?” He asked.

“At this point it's hard to tell, since Mr. Ross will be in the first trial group. But we are pretty certain that there will be side effects. Most likely such side effects as nausea, pain, memory loss, maybe a risk of depression and suicide thoughts, as well as other unknown factors at this point.”

Harvey sighed and sat down again.

“Why do you think that this will work?” he asked.

“Because of the type of cancer that Mr. Ross has. In our animal trials we have tested varies types of tumors and so far the types that causes cancers such as heart cancer is the ones that has showed the most positive results. And when we heard about Mr. Ross’s cancer we thought that we should get in touch. Heart cancer is very rare after all. But if we would be able to get good results from this trial we might be able to perfect the treatment to suit other types of cancers in the future.”

Harvey still didn’t like the way she was talking about Mike, like he was some sort of lab rat or some rare case that doctors gossiped about. But something inside him had woken. Something he hadn’t felt in weeks or even months now. Hope. Real hope. It was still small, just a spark, but it was planted inside of him now and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to get rid of it. This was what he needed. Something to hang on to.

“So you believe that this will cure him?”

The two people in front of him looked at each other quickly before Dr. Jansson replied. Harvey didn’t like that look.

“We are not going to promise anything. Heart cancer is very dangerous as you know. It means that the risks are very high, it might cause more stress to Mr. Ross’ heart and cause it to fail. We don't know. But there is a possibility that we might be able to slow the growth down or prolong his life, thus giving him a greater chance to fight his illness in the traditional ways.”

“But there is a chance that it will work?” Harvey had to ask. “There is hope?” He noticed that his voice was shaking a bit.

“It can't hurt to try it in this case, but you have to keep the side effects and the risks I just mentioned in mind. But from I understand Mr. Ross doesn't have a lot of options left.”

“It’s Mike. You can call him Mike.”

She nodded and waited.

“His other doctors knows about this? Dr. Lundin?”

“I’ve spoken to them, yes.”

Harvey paused for a moment. He almost felt dizzy all of a sudden.

“If there is any chance at all that it'll work, we'll do it.” he said. There was no question about it.

They both smiled and Emil nodded happily.

“We will need to make tests.” Dr. Jansson said. “I understand that Mr. Ross, Mike, is not doing so well now, so we’ll wait a few days and of course talk to him. We need to get his consent and make sure that he is okay with this.”

“He will be.” Harvey said. “He will.”

“Well, I would like to hear it from Mike. And Mr. Spector…”

“Harvey.”

“Alright. Harvey. I don’t want you to get your hopes up yet considering the risks and whether the test comes back satisfactory.”

Harvey nodded. “I should get back to him, but I expect to see you soon.”

They shook hands and Harvey was given a file with more information about the trial. Harvey brought it back to Mike’s room and heavily sat down on his chair. Mike was still dead to the world and Harvey wished that he would just wake up.

He looked at the kid and down at the folder. What a day! Was this what he was holding in his hand the best birthday gift he had gotten today?

_-SUITS-_


	57. Chapter 57

**Chapter 57.**

When he woke up he couldn’t breathe. The first instinct he had was to try and sit up, but he couldn’t do it. His muscles wouldn’t cooperate with his brain and do what he told them. The only thing he managed was a little jerk upwards that didn’t help with the breathing at all. On the other hand sitting up wouldn’t help either. He used what little air he had to grunt out what he had meant to be _help me, I can’t breathe_ , but it wasn’t really any words.

He got the meaning across though because he heard someone swear and a minute later hands were on him and he got an oxygen mask placed over his face. It was one of the best feelings in the world he decided then, to be able to take a deep breath of air.

Someone told him that he would have to keep it for a while. Mike didn’t mind at all. At least not at first. It was a bit annoying to talk with the mask on. Harvey kept asking him things and when he answered he really had to concentrate on making himself understood.

“What?” Harvey asked for the fourth time and Mike just rolled his eyes at him and shrugged then.

“Nothing important then I guess.” Harvey said. “But you know what Mike, I have something important that I want to talk to you about. Are you up for it?”

Mike nodded, he didn’t bother talking. But he felt himself becoming a bit more alert because Harvey was leaning close to him and he had this weird look on his face. Was he excited? Mike wasn’t sure. And why on earth would he be excited about?

“What… is it? You look weird.” He said. Harvey looked like a question mark.

“Eh… yeah sure. Look. I don’t know what you are saying.” Harvey smirked at him and Mike wasn’t sure if he was serious or not.

“Maybe it’s a good thing that you suck at talking right now. I wanted to tell you something.”

Mike glared at him. He didn’t suck at talking.

“There was a doctor that approached me last night, Mike. She is researching a new form of treatment and is starting a first trial for patients now and she wants to test you to see if you are able to participate.”

Mike stared at him. What was Harvey talking about? More tests and treatments? That didn’t really sound all that exciting to Mike.  He felt his energy droop again and he decided that he would rather sleep some more than talking. After all, he was able to breathe now, so that would make it easier to fall asleep again.

“Mike, come on! Don’t fall back asleep.”  Harvey groaned and Mike smiled a little. Then he fell asleep.

“Oh good. You are awake.” Harvey said next time Mike opened his eyes. ”Can you just stay this way now. I want to talk to you. We are just going to wait for Dr. Lundin.”

Mike blinked a bit and nodded.

”Is your breathing better?” Harvey asked.

”I don’t know.” Mike answered. ”I still have this thing on. How can I know?”

”Ehh… yes. Whatever. We’ll just wait for your doctor.” Harvey said.

Doctor Lundin arrived a few minutes later and Harvey seemed happy that he had stayed awake.

“So, Mike. Do you remember what I said before you passed out?” Harvey asked a while later when Mike had gotten help to get rid of the oxygen mask. His breathing was good enough for him to be without it. He just had to have the nasal cannula, but he was used to that.

“Sure.” Mike said. He blinked a few times and then recited word for word what Harvey had said.

Harvey rolled his eyes at him and Mike thought he mumbled something about showing off.

“Well, do you understand what that means Mike?”

They were talking to him like he was stupid or something? Sure he had closed his eyes for a while when he talked, but that didn’t mean he was stupid. His eyes were just a bit dry that was all.

Now they didn’t even wait for him to answer. “It means that you can take part in a trial for a new drug Mike. They believe that it might actually work in reducing your cancer.” Harvey said.

“If you allow me to be frank here,” Mike’s doctor said then “it is a very small chance Mike. We just wanted to inform you about this. When you are feeling a bit better you can get to meet Dr. Jansson if you like.”

“You are meeting her.” Harvey said now. I’ve read about this study Mike, and I think it’s worth a shot.”

“You can always do the necessary tests to see if you can take part, Mike, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up too much.”

Mike studied the two men. He honestly had a hard time following what was being said, but he wasn’t keen on revealing that. His doctor looked a bit uncomfortable and Harvey looked almost happy and more alert than usual. That seemed to be a good sign.

“What does it mean?” Mike asked.

”It means that you get to try a new drug that hasn’t been tested before. It might work Mike.” Harvey said.

“Harvey, please. We talked about this.” Dr. Lundin said.

“What am I supposed to tell him then?” Harvey asked irritably.

“Well, Mike, we just wanted you to know about this. You will get to meet Dr. Jansson in a few days and you will get more information from her then. For now all I want you to do is rest. Do you think you can do that?”

Mike looked at Harvey. He didn’t look as happy anymore. Mike wasn’t really sure of why. It made him feel a bit unsecure.

“Okay.” He said hesitantly looking at Harvey again. Harvey just nodded once at him before turning back to the doctor. They headed a bit further away from him and Mike had trouble hearing what they were saying. He guessed it wasn’t meant for him anyways. So he just laid there in bed watching how Harvey spoke.

Eventually the doctor left and Harvey stepped up to Mike again. Harvey smiled a little at him.

“You know what Mike?” He said. ”Why don’t you get some more sleep. It looks like you need it.”

“I don’t think I got what it was about.” Mike noticed that he slurred a little. But Harvey probably understood anyway.

“That’s fine. I’ll tell you later.”

“You will?

“Of course. Don’t worry about it. Go to sleep.”

So Mike did.

He felt a bit better when he woke up again. Donna was there this time so that was a nice surprise.

She leaned over and hugged him when she saw that he was awake.

“How are you feeling?”

Mike thought about that for a while. “Tired.” He said.

”All you do is sleep. How can you still be tired?” Harvey said from the other side of Mike.

“Harvey. Be nice.” Donna told him.

”I am nice. I’m just wondering.”

Mike was wondering too. But a doctor and a nurse was there the next minute so he didn’t really have that much time to do that. He didn’t get much clearity in the whole being tired thing. They wanted to take him for an MRI, which he didn’t like at all. But Donna said that she would go with him. Harvey disappeared somewhere after saying that he would be back later.

Two more days passed that was much of the same. Nothing really happened expect that Mike slept like all the time. He got a bit confused from all the sleeping. He wondered if he slept too much. He almost felt dizzy when he woke. He dreamt a lot too. Sometimes it wasn’t so pleasant. He would wake up then and for a moment he didn’t know what was real or not. That always scared him.

One night was practically bad. He woke and just had this urge to leave. He wanted to get out his damn hospital room. He didn’t want to be there anymore. He groaned and Harvey was there. Somehow he always appeared when Mike needed him.

“What is it?” Harvey whispered now. ”Mike, calm down. What is it?”

“I want to go home.” Mike mumbled and fumbled after Harvey’s arm. Harvey sighed a little and took Mike’s hand in his.

“I know the feeling.” He said.

“You want to leave too?” Mike asked and swallowed hard. He felt nauseated.

“Yeah.” Harvey said, but then he squeezed Mike’s hand a bit harder. ”But not without you, kid.”

Mike smiled a little.

”When do you think it will?”

”I don’t know Mike. You are not doing so well right now, they won’t let you leave yet.”

“Harvey, tell me about that trial for a new treatment.” Mike asked. They hadn’t really talked about it that much more after the time with Dr. Lundin.

“Alright.” Harvey said. ”I’ll tell you all I know.”

So Harvey did tell Mike all that he knew then. Mike listened in silence. 

“Do you think it will work?” Mike asked.

“I have to believe it will Mike. I want to believe that. But as I said, they are all very careful of promising anything. I don’t know how much to believe.”

“But do you think I should do it?”

“What do you think?”

“I don’t want to die. I’ll try anything.”

“That’s the spirit!” Harvey smiled. ”How about I get that doctor here tomorrow so we can talk about it more with her?”

“Okay.”

“So do you think you can get some sleep now then?” Harvey looked at his gift from Mike. “It’s four thirty Mike…”

“Okay.” Mike mumbled. ”But can you just stay until I fall asleep?” He asked.

”Of course.” Harvey said. ”But hurry up would you. I’m exhausted.” He smirked a bit when Mike looked at him.

”Good night Harvey.”

”More like good morning.”

”Whatever.”

Mike closed his eyes and felt Harvey’s hand still in his own. It was warm against his own colder one. A new kind of treatment. Something never tried on humans before and he might get to be one of the test persons. He had a hard time feeling something about this. He felt a bit numb. He wanted to put his hopes to this, but what if it didn’t work. He knew how damaged his body was, how truly ill he was. He was lucky to still be here. It had been close on several occasions. And it could still happen anytime. He could still die whenever. He knew that. But it wasn’t something he liked to think about. He didn’t to think about it at all. That was what was great about sleeping a lot. He didn’t have to think then. He didn’t have to think about that he was dying. Because thinking about that destroyed him. He hugged Harvey’s hand harder.

“Shhh… sleep will you.” Harvey muttered and Mike felt better. He drifted of shortly after that.

_-SUITS-_

While Mike had a nurse with him Harvey went to find Dr. Lundin to get Dr. Jansson over. It was time that they all talked about this. He had spent almost an hour in the middle of the night with Mike, telling him about the treatment. Mike hadn’t said much but he had wanted company after their talk. Harvey had thought that he was asleep but then Mike had suddenly squeezed his hand as hard as he could probably, and Harvey had known the kid was upset. He had managed to calm Mike down though, just by sitting there next to him, half asleep himself. It was so boring caring for Mike sometimes. It was so much of just sitting around waiting, doing nothing. Or well he was doing something of course. He was comforting Mike. And that was important. Harvey had learnt how to just sit there by now. He could sit next to the kid for hours doing nothing. He was an expert now.

He found the doctor in his office and requested a meeting.

“I’ll get in contact with her, and we can meet in Mike’s room.” The other man suggested. Harvey was fine with that. Before Harvey turned around to walk out of the office the doctor got up and held out a hand to stop him.

“Harvey, I do have to warn you about getting your hopes up too much about Dr. Jansson’s trial. It’s a very long shot, like I have said.”

“You don’t think it will work, do you?” Harvey had to ask.

“If I’m honest. No, I don’t.”

“So you think he will die anyway.” Harvey said. “But then I don’t see a reason as to not try it. It might work and if it doesn’t, at least I will know that we tried.” He thought he sounded cold but the other man didn’t react.

“I agree to some extent Harvey, but we don’t know what this will do to Mike. We know nothing about the side effects.”

“We know enough to go through it. Mike wants to do it.”

The doctor sighed a little but nodded. “Of course. I just wanted to warn you.”

“And now you have. Thank you.”

“Harvey, wait!”

Harvey stopped half way into the corridor.

“What if this is Mike’s last days or weeks alive? Do we then want him to be in worse pain from side effects from this trial treatment? I’m just asking that you consider what it might bring with it.”

Harvey just nodded and left. He didn’t have an answer to that. He didn’t want to think about it either.

Mike was mostly awake while they waited. He didn’t speak much, but that wasn’t something new. It was the illness fault. It deprived Mike of his voice as well as everything else. At least Mike’s will to talk as much as he had before all this. Harvey felt restless as they waited. He just wanted to get this talk over with so they could start testing Mike and getting him on the trial.

The nurse had Mike sitting up on his bed. They said that they wanted him to start to get more mobile. Apparently the first step was sitting up. Mike wasn’t that successful at it. He seemed to have trouble holding up his own head, because it kept jerking down suddenly and Mike lifted it up again with a confused look.

“Maybe you should lean back so you won’t break your neck?” Harvey suggested.

“What…?” Mike asked.

”Never mind. Get some rest.”

“I thought we… we were going to...”

Harvey waited for a moment, but nothing else came. “We are waiting for your doctor.” Harvey helped him out.

“Right.” Mike blinked slowly. It looked like he was going to pass out. Harvey handed him a glass of water but changed his mind and held it for Mike as he carefully took a few sips.

He was still awake when Dr. Jansson, without her assistant this time, and Dr. Lundin showed up. She introduced herself to Mike saying it was nice to meet him. Mike just nodded a little.

“He is a bit tired.” Harvey explained.

“Should we take this now anyway, Mike? Or do you want to get some sleep first?” Dr. Lundin asked and Harvey could understand why he asked.

“No it’s fine.” Mike said after a moment.

”So Mike, I don’t know how much you have heard already about this trial that I’m working on, but I want to tell you everything myself regardless.” Dr. Jansson started. Mike nodded again and she started telling Mike everything she had told Harvey the other day.

After speaking about what the treatment was aimed to do she started to get in on possible side effect and then told them a little about how the treatment plan would look like. That was news to Harvey.

“It is going to be intense Mike. At least as intense as we believe your body and especially your heart can handle. You will go through chemo and radiation as well to help speed along the process. It will be tough.”

She paused and looked at Mike. He didn’t answer.

“He will be able to handle it. He has been through enough to know what it’s like. We want to take part in the trial.” Harvey said speaking on Mike’s behalf.

“Mike?” Dr. Jansson asked.

Mike didn’t really react. He kept looking in the general direction of the doctor. He didn’t look all that well to be honest.

“Mike?” Harvey asked. “You with us? Have you been following?” He wasn't sure Mike had. It didn't look like it. But Mike looked up at them and blinked slowly.

“I'm with…Harvey.” He said after a long pause.

Harvey nodded. “You heard him. Do it!”

Dr Jansson nodded and told them that she would be back later when Mike felt better to discuss the details and start the tests.

They let Mike rest the next day but then Dr. Janson and her associate Emil came to talk and then the day after that start the necessary test to determine if Mike would be able to take part in the trial or not. They wanted to test everything. They took blood, tested his heart in different ways by having Mike do different breathing exercises. He was also taken to an MRI again and a bunch other test that Harvey lost track of. Poor Mike was exhausted that afternoon.

“They are not coming back now right?” Mike said and worriedly looked at the door as if he thought it would burst open at any minute.

“I think you are fine.”

“Can I sleep then Harvey?” Mike looked at him wide eyes and Harvey couldn’t help to smile.

“You can sleep. You did good today.”

“Okay.” Mike said, turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. He was sleeping seconds later.

They had gotten more info about the trial now. They would inject Mike with the drug just like with the chemo. It could cause strong reactions in Mike and it was possible that they had to pull him out of it if Mike’s reactions were too severe.

Harvey and Mike had talked about it, the side effects.

“It can’t be much worse than chemo right?” Mike had said.

“I don’t know, I think it can Mike. They have earned us about it. And besides they don’t know what might happen.”

“I don’t care Harvey.” Mike had said with a determination Harvey hadn’t heard him use in a long time. “I want to do it anyway. I want to try and see if it can make me survive. And Harvey, if I do survive, everything will be worth it.”

“Even if it means that you will be in constant pain for months?” Harvey has to ask.

“Yes. Because you will be there to help me. Right?”

“You know I will.”

“Good. Thanks. Then I’ll do it.” Mike said locking eyes with Harvey. He could see the determination in the younger man. Mike was prepared to do this.

It was decided then. They were doing this. That night Mike had expressed something else as well.

”What if it actually works Harvey.” Mike had quietly said.

“Yeah…” Harvey had only answered. He didn’t want to say so much more.

“What if I can survive?”

Harvey had just leaned forward and squeezed Mike’s shoulder. But with all that he had he hoped that Mike’s wish would come true.

The next day held a few final test and after that all they had to do was to wait for the test results. Mike didn’t have much trouble with the waiting he just slept. Harvey on the other hand thought he would go crazy. They had gotten no indication of how long they would have to wait.

“Not too long.” Dr. Jansson had answered when Harvey had asked. That was a stupid answer. Harvey spent most of that evening walking back and forth in Mike’s room and questioned every person who walked into the room if there was any news. He didn’t really care if they knew what he was talking about or not. Most of them didn’t. At least Donna came to visit and they talked the whole thing over. Harvey told her what Mike had said the other night. To Harvey’s annoyance they didn’t get any answers that day. They had some of the results all ready but not all of them. They were still waiting on a few more, Harvey was told.

Mike was feeling nauseated the next morning and wasn’t in the mood of talking or doing much of anything. He had a headache as well and wanted the room to be dark and quiet. Harvey felt somewhat bad for him but also for himself. He was restless and bored. All he did was wait now. Wait for those damn results.

Finally Dr. Jansson appeared. She stepped inside and saw that Mike was asleep, so she then mentioned for Harvey to come with her. He threw a glance at Mike before following her out into the hallway.

“I just wanted to quickly have a word with you Harvey. This is not definitive yet but I wanted to give you a heads up.”

“What are you talking about Harvey asked?”

“We still haven’t gotten all the results yet Harvey as you know, so this is not for sure.”

“What is?”

“I’m so sorry to tell you this Harvey, but by the looks of some of Mike’s test results it’s likely that he can’t take part in the trial. He’s just too sick.”

“What…what are you saying?”

“We don’t think this will treatment will turn him around. All depends on the last test result and whether his values are good enough or not. If they are, yes he is in. But unfortunately I don’t think they will be and we can’t risk his life like this.”

Harvey stared at her for a few seconds before words came to him.

“But if he doesn’t take part in this trial he is finished anyway! You know he is! This might give him a change! That’s your words!”

“Harvey…”

“You have to give him a chance! He might prove you wrong.”

“I know that was my words Harvey and I’m so sorry for this. But I just don’t think that Mike will be able to take part. We don’t know yet since we don’t have all the results, but I just wanted to prepare you.”

Harvey swallowed hard and felt his whole body tense. For a terrible second he had thought about hitting the woman in front of him. He would never do that of course but she had just given him Mike’s death sentence.

“So all comes down to one test? What kind of values does he have to have to pass it?”

“Below five is a requirement.” Harvey just stood there in silence as he listened to her thorough explanation. He could feel himself shaking a little but hoped it didn’t show.

What was he supposed to do now? Did he have to tell Mike about this? No, he decided straight away. Mike put all his hope to this now, Harvey knew that, and he couldn’t bring himself to take that away from him. They hadn’t even talked about the possibility that Mike wouldn’t be taking part in the trial. It would destroy him in all ways possible. It would kill him. All ways possible.

No! He wasn’t letting that happening. He wasn’t going to let this happen! So he stood there and asked all the questions he could think of while an insane plan was starting to form in his head.

As he stepped into Mike’s room again he felt all shaky, but also something else. Somehow he almost felt excited. He didn’t know if that would be the right way to describe it, but he lacked anything better. He had a plan and he needed to work quickly to execute it. But he needed help. He made a phone call and Donna promised to be there as soon as she could.

Mike was still sleeping and Harvey hoped that he would stay that way. Harvey spent his time waiting googling. He needed more information. He was thrilled when Donna showed up, only fifteen minutes later.

”Finally!” He half whispered to not wake up Mike. “It’s about time you got here.”

“I will have you know I broke the speed limit.” Donna muttered.

“Good. Donna, we have a problem.”

“Is he doing worse?” She asked immediately.

“No, that’s not it. Or he is doing worse today, but he is just feeling nauseated and has a headache, but that’s not it.”

“Only that.” Donna whispered and lightly stroked Mike’s head.

“Don’t wake him. Come on. Let’s talk over here.”

They took the two chairs by Mike’s bed and moved them over to the far corner of the room. It wasn’t that far away from Mike, but hopefully he wouldn’t hear anything if he did wake up. This was not meant for Mike’s ears.

“What’s going on Harvey?” Donna asked when they sat down. She looked worried.

“It’s a high possibility that Mike won’t be able to take part in the trial.” Harvey said.

“What? No, that’s not possible. No, please tell me that is a mistake Harvey.”

He shook his head. “I wish it was, but I just talked to the doctor in charge of the trial and she wanted to warn me that Mike might be too ill to take part.”

“Oh no, no, no, no.” Donna mumbled as she looked towards Mike. “Oh no. Does he know?”

“No, he doesn’t know. And he won’t find out.”

“What are you talking about? Of course he will find out.”

“No, he won’t, because we are going to make sure he gets in on it.”

Donna turned her full attention towards him now. “What are you saying Harvey?”

“I’m saying that I am going to make sure that Mike will be participating.”

Donna slowly shook her head. ”Are you saying what I think you are saying right now?”

“Yes.”

Donna looked around her for a moment before turning to Harvey again. “You are going to falsify his results?”

“I will if that is what it takes to get Mike on this trial. Yes.”

“Harvey…”

“Donna.”

“But how will you do that? How will you even know what to falsify.”

“I know what to do Donna, but I need your help.”

 She looked away for a moment while Harvey waited. He knew he needed to give her time to process what he was telling her.

”Are you sure about this Harvey? You can get into a lot of trouble for this. And Mike…”

”Donna. I don’t care. I’m doing this.” He paused for a moment. ”I have to do this Donna. I will never forgive myself if…you know… if I didn’t even try.”

”But there has to be a reason that those values has to be higher…”

”Donna! He is dying. Mike is going to die and this might save him. I have to do this.”

“But if it comes out that you did this…”

“I don’t care. There is only two outcomes to getting him on the trial. It works and he lives then no one will care about some falsified values. The second outcome, if it’s the opposite and he dies… Well, I don’t care. I don’t give a shit about what happens to me then, because I will be done anyway.”

“Harvey…”

“He is like a son to me Donna, or a little brother, and if Mike dies…” He couldn’t continue. His voice sounded all shaky and Donna looked a bit blurred all of a sudden. He blinked and found her looking at him empathically with a small smile playing on her lips.

“I’m not going to stop you Harvey.” she said shaking her head. “Never. Tell me how to help. We are doing this.”

Harvey nodded and smiled a little. “We are. Thank you Donna.”

She shook her head. “Don’t thank me, Harvey. Don’t you do that. Of course I’m doing this. Did you for a second think that I would say no?”

“No.”

“Well you were right then. You know he is like a son to me too.”

“I know.” Harvey calmly said. He could see how upset she was. She blinked rapidly a few times.

“What do you need me to do?”

“I need you to keep watch while I get the right document. It’s getting finalized today and it’s being sent here tonight. I don’t really know where yet though.”

“I’ll find out.” Donna said without hesitation.

Harvey breathed out his relief at her reaction. “Thank you Donna.” He said again ignoring her previous comment. She just looked at him now.

“Well, I’ll go and see what I can find out.”

“Good. I’ll stay here with him for now. I’ll make some calls as well.” Harvey nodded.

She nodded and disappeared out of the room. Harvey went back to Mike’s bedside. He was still dead to the world. Harvey sighed as he looked at him. Mike looked so small and fragile. Harvey pressed his lips together. Was this really the right thing to do? What if Donna and the doctors were right and there was a good reason for not allowing Mike to take part in the study if his values weren’t good enough. What if taking part in the trial would backfire and maybe kill him faster than if he hadn’t been in the study.

But Harvey couldn’t back down. He had to try this. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did nothing at this point. All was up to Donna at this point. He picked up his phone.

He texted a bit first. He would need help with forging the document and thought he knew the right person for it. It wouldn’t be a problem. The problem was getting the document in time.

He needed to make a few phone calls as well, but was reluctant to do it in front of Mike. He woke up an hour later as well, so then could definitely not do it. Mike claimed to feel not entirely like shit, his words, and was sitting up in bed with his iPad in his lap.

Harvey was relieved when a nurse came a while later, so he could step outside for a bit. He stood outside Mike’s room talking on the phone when Dr. Jansson walked around the corner. She smiled a little at Harvey and proceeded to walk pass him into Mike’s room. Harvey wasn’t finished with his phone call but held up the door to be able to hear and see what was going in the room. She talked a little with Mike about how he was feeling. Mike mostly shrugged and said that he was tired. Harvey shook his head a little, just tired was an understatement if you asked him.

“So, Mike I'm so sorry about this newest development." Dr. Jansson said then.

“What?”

“Dr. Jansson can I talk to you outside.” Harvey said loudly, stepping into the room his phone call immediately forgotten.

“What are you talking about?” Mike asked.

She looked between the two of them, a bit confused. But then she understood as she met Harvey’s eyes.

“I’m sorry I thought that you knew.” She said turned to Mike. “About the test results.”

“What?” Mike repeated, sitting tense on his bed now.

“They are fine.” Harvey said, louder this time. He had to stop this, but he knew it was too late. He was still going to try. Mike just glared at him.

“What are you talking about?” He repeated. “Why are you sorry?”

“I would like to talk to you outside for a minute.” Harvey said and put a hand on the woman’s arm.

“Harvey!” Mike said and Harvey knew he had lost when the doctor shook his hand off her. She looked at Harvey before turning her attention back to Mike.

“We are just waiting for your last test results and Mike, I’m sorry to tell you that I believe that there is a high possibility that your values will be too high. It means that there will be too much of a risk for you to take part in the trial.”

Mike swallowed hard, his mouth opening and closing without any words coming out. He just looked at the doctor with wide shocked eyes. He shook his head.

“No.” He said.

“I’m so sorry. I thought Harvey had told you already.”

“No he didn’t.” Mike said, they it was like he woke up from his shook as he turned towards Harvey.

“You knew!”

“Mike…”

“You knew and you didn’t tell me!”

“Mike, listen to me. I just wanted to…”

“I don’t care.” Mike turned his attention to the doctor again, not looking at Harvey at all. Almost pretending that he wasn’t in the room. “But what do you mean? What will happen now then? Isn’t it anything you can do? That I can do?”

Mike’s questions were desperate and they didn’t stop. The doctor did her best in answering them all, calmly and quietly. Mike swayed a bit where he sat, like he was about to collapse.

“Why don’t you lean back a bit Mike?” Harvey suggested. Mike briefly met his eyes for a moment but it was like he hadn’t heard him.

“Are you really saying that I can’t take part in the trial?” He asked the doctor that was still standing next to his bed. She looked concerned.

“I’m sorry for upsetting you this much Mike, but there were never any guaranties that you would be able to take part. Right now your values aren’t good enough as I said. We can’t let you participate then. It’s important for us that you meet the requirements.”

“Oh, shut up.” Mike rightfully told her, at least according to Harvey. “I’m sorry for getting upset. You just signed my definite death sentence.”

“I’m sorry. It’s not for sure yet, but it looks like it will…”

“Yes, I know. My values suck! Just get out would you?” Mike wasn’t looking at her anymore and was breathing hard. “Please!”

“Okay. I’ll get back to you tomorrow with the final results.”

“Fine!”

She left after that, nodding towards Harvey before closing the door behind her. Mike had collapsed back towards the pillows. He was still breathing hard and staring right in front of him with wide eyes.

“Mike, listen to me.”

But Mike interrupted him.

“No, Harvey! Nothing you say can make this better. Nothing! Don’t you get it!”

“She said that it’s not final yet. We have to wait until tomorrow before we know for sure.”

Mike’s tone was monotone when he answered. “Didn’t you hear her? She said she was sorry about the results. There is a high possibility. When the hell has anything gone my way in all of this? It’s over.”

“Mike. You are still alive, you can’t give up yet. It’s not over.”

But it was like Mike didn’t listen to him, didn’t want to listen.

“It’s over. Why did I even think…?” He mumbled.

“Come on Mike, don’t go there. I’m telling you…”

Mike suddenly flew upright, startling Harvey. He didn’t know Mike had it in him to sit up like that. He didn’t know Mike had it in him to yell either.

“Harvey! Stop it! You got to face it that it is over now. I’m not getting on that damn trial. I’m not getting any second changes this time. It was stupid to think that there was a change. Idiotic. And I don’t want to hear anything else from you.” He swallowed hard and looked away. “I don’t want to hear it.” His voice shook.

Harvey chose to be quiet at this point. Instead he slowly took a seat on the chair next to Mike’s bed. He watched as Mike’s shoulders sank and how his fist grabbed the blanket over his legs. Harvey just waited to see what would come now.

“It’s over now.” Mike quietly said. “It’s over. I’m not going to make it.” He drew a shuddering breath. He had calmed down somewhat.

“I’m going to die. I’m going to die now. I’m going to die.” He whispered more to himself now than to Harvey. He wiped his eyes. Harvey just sat there watching him as Mike slowly rocked himself back and forth on the bed.

“I thought… I thought… Harvey, I thought for just a moment that there was some hope, you know.”

“I know Mike.” Harvey leaned forward and stroke Mike’s back a little.

“I wanted to believe that this might be what would save me. I just wanted to believe that.”

“Me too.”

Mike’s whole body shook now. “I don’t want to die.” He whispered. “Oh god. Why is…why do…”

Harvey kept stroking his back. “It’s not lost yet Mike. You are still here.”

“I’m dying. You know I am. Everybody here knows that I am. That’s why they won’t let me do it. It’s a waste of time!”

“Mike! Don’t you ever say that.”

“It’s the truth, they just don’t want to admit it to my face.”

“It’s not true.”

“Yes, it is Harvey. They think I will die anyway, so they won’t even let me try it. I’ll be a bad record for their damn trial.”

“It’s not over yet Mike.”

“You heard what she said. And you knew about it!”

Harvey clenched his teeth. “It’s not done yet.” He said. But Mike wasn’t listening to him. He had sunken in on himself and had buried his face in his hand. Harvey heard that he was crying and felt it as well in the way he shook under his hand. He wasn’t surprised that it happened.

Harvey felt conflicted. He didn’t want to tell Mike about his plans. This had to happen without Mike’s knowledge. The kid was sharp though and if they succeeded Mike would know that it was Harvey’s doing. But he didn’t want Mike to know about their attempt because what if they didn’t succeed? All Mike knowing would led to then was that the kid once again would get his hopes up and the fall might be even greater at a failure. But it killed Harvey now to listen to Mike’s cries. He could understand him though. Mike must feel awful. He had started to hope and now that was gone. And Mike knew that Harvey had known about this but he hadn’t told him. That must make it even worse for the kid. He knew that Mike couldn’t understand now why he didn’t tell him.

So what Harvey did now was just to sit there next to Mike with his hand on his back. He was just there. He hoped it was enough.

“Oh god…” Mike mumbled now. “I don’t want to be awake. I want to sleep.”

“Okay. Here, I’ll help you lay down.”

Mike wouldn’t look at him. He turned his head away from Harvey as he draped the cover over him.

“I’ll fix it Mike.” Harvey told him quietly.

Mike met his eyes and Harvey startled a bit at his expression. It was one of disbelief. Mike didn’t believe him at all. There was no hope in his eyes. Then Mike slowly closed his eyes. There were still tears in his eyelashes. Harvey squeezed his shoulder and left his hand there. Mike didn’t say anything else, but his breathes were shaky and he was tense under Harvey’s hand.

Harvey half expected Mike to shake his hand off him, but he didn’t. Perhaps the need of comfort outweigh the feeling of disbelief and betrayal Mike most likely felt towards Harvey now. Harvey hadn’t been honest with Mike, hadn’t told him about the test results and now the only thing Harvey had said that it wasn’t over yet and that he would fix it. He could understand if Mike didn’t believe him, he could.

Mike hadn’t even asked him why he didn’t tell him about what Dr. Jansson had said. Hopefully Mike didn’t think that it was because Harvey thought that he was too weak to be able to handle it. There was a possibility.

_-SUITS-_

Harvey’s hand was still on his shoulder. Mike wanted to turn on his side but didn’t dare to move because maybe Harvey would remove his hand then. He couldn’t have that happening. Not now.

He couldn’t believe this was happening. He felt so empty now. He had gotten over the worst shock and had been able to collect himself somewhat. He didn’t feel like he was going to panic anymore. Maybe if Harvey removed his hand he would. He would burst then. He would scream until he couldn’t scream anymore. That was what it felt like. Maybe he wasn’t that collected.

He had to force his eyelids to remain closed. He didn’t want to talk and if Harvey knew he was awake he would probably want to do just that. But he just couldn’t listen to how Harvey was telling him that it wasn’t over yet. But it was. He wasn’t going to get on the trial and the cancer was going to kill him. He had fought it with all he had. Or he didn’t have much to begin with, but he had went through chemo and radiation and two open heart surgeries. And then there was everything else, throwing up blood, the coughing, an ulcer, more fevers than he could count. He had been shoot and nearly strangled too, but that wasn’t the cancer’s fault. But that counted too anyway. And then there was the whole thing of him feeling like crap all the damn time. The sadness that was etched into his core now a days. And the fear that always were present. The loneliness he felt. And the feeling of being a burden to everyone around him. To Harvey. That brought the guilt as well.

He didn’t want to have to deal with all of this anymore. If he had just gotten on the trial he would have another change to maybe get better. Because maybe it would work. Maybe he had gone through everything he had gone through just to be able to hold on until he got on this trial. And maybe then it would have worked and he would be able to feel better. To survive. He could live and start to repay everyone for what they had done for him during this time. What Harvey had done for him he would never be able to repay. But he had just been looking forward to have a changed relationship with Harvey. They were so close now.

But now he wouldn’t survive and he would let Harvey down. He would leave Harvey. And he would never even get the chance to at least try and repay him.

Mike couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to Harvey when he died? He didn’t want to think about that, but he didn’t think that it would be good. He had seen what Harvey was capable of doing when he felt guilty. And Mike had a feeling that Harvey wouldn’t be able to handle the loss of him in a good way.

Harvey still had his hand over Mike’s shoulder, and now Mike pointed his focus on the feeling of the older man’s hand. Suddenly it went away and Mike’s whole body jerked and his eyes flew open. He couldn’t help but let out a moan and his eyes immediately flooded over. _No!_

“Shhh…shhh…shhh. It’s okay.” Harvey whispered. He was still there. He put back the hand and Mike had to bit his lip to stop to try and repress all the emotions from coming out. It hurt.

“It’s okay.” Harvey whispered again. He then brought up a tissue to Mike’s face and carefully wiped his face. Mike felt the moisture and realized that he had been crying. He was crying. He considered trying to hold it back, but found the effort to great. He let it out. He pressed his eyes closed and just cried it all out. He did his best in trying to not feel so pathetic, but it was hard. He cried hard and it soon got difficult to breath.

Harvey was next to him though. Harvey kept telling him it was okay, he didn’t take his hand away. And Mike felt so incredible grateful. He managed to turn to his side so that he was facing Harvey. So that he could see him and look into Harvey’s sad eyes. Mike fumbled for Harvey’s hand and held on to it with both of his. Harvey had a tight grip on one of Mike’s hands.

“Shhh…” He shushed Mike. Mike bit his lip hard and tried to draw deep breaths. Harvey wiped his face again. He was regaining some control back over himself.

”Harvey…” He whispered and locked eyes with him.

“I know.” Harvey said. ”I’m so sorry Mike.”

Mike nodded a little and drew a deep breathe once again. He was better now. He was tired. At least he had thought he was better, but then he looked into Harvey’s eyes again and saw something there. Harvey looked devastated. It was only there for a moment, then it was like a mask slipped over Harvey’s features and he smiled a little towards Mike. But Mike had seen it, and he couldn’t help feeling it all getting worse again. Everything became blurry and he had to blink a few time. It didn’t help much. He wanted to stop but he couldn’t force himself to. He was just too weak. For a moment he intensely hated himself.

“Shhh…shhh…shhh… Hey Mike…” Harvey whispered next to him.

Mike closed his eys. Harvey pressed a bit on his hand and he pressed back.

“I’m here.” Harvey said.

“I know.” Mike whispered back. They were both quiet for a while. Mike didn’t know what else to say. He had trouble thinking clearly.

Then he suddenly heard something else. Something new. And Mike realized that it was Harvey. He was humming a soft tune. It wasn’t any words, just humming. Harvey had never done that before. His voice didn’t sound that bad. He opened his eyes and looked up. He almost thought that Harvey would stop, but he didn’t. He just shrugged a little when he saw that Mike was looking at him, then he continued. Maybe it was out of surprise, or maybe he just forgot about it, but Mike stopped crying then. He closed his eyes and just listened. He didn’t recognize the melody. He wasn’t even sure that it was a melody. Maybe Harvey just made it up as he went, it actually made Mike smile at the thought of that. He felt himself relaxing a bit more. Harvey didn’t stop and Mike understood that he was about to fall asleep. He welcomed the feeling.

_-SUITS-_

Harvey stayed as he was even though he knew that Mike was asleep. He didn’t know where the singing came from. He had surprised himself. The things he did for the kid. This was something that they would not be talking about again. He had never done something like that, but it had worked and he felt pretty happy about that. His heart bled for Mike. He had just felt so sorry for the younger man and he hadn’t know what else he could do to lessen Mike’s pain. He had started singing or something like that almost out of desperation. But it had worked and Mike was sleeping now.

It had been terrible to watch how Mike tried to calm himself down stop sobbing. Harvey had seen that he tried. But the kid had been too upset. Mike had said that he didn’t want to be awake, just so he wouldn’t have to deal with the disappointment he must be feeling.

Harvey hoped he would stay asleep for a while now. He carefully wriggled his hand out of Mike’s grasp. He waited to see if he would wake up again, but Mike remained still. Harvey reached for his phone and opened the text he had heard he had gotten a few minutes earlier. It was from Donna.

_I got the information._

Harvey breathed out from relief. He knew he could count on her.

She arrived about thirty minutes later and quietly stepped into the room.

“How is he?” She asked.

Harvey sighed and shook his head a bit.

“Bad. He found out that he’s not going to be part of the trial.”

“Oh no. How did he take it?”

“As well as expected. He was devastated. He thinks he is going to die now.”

“Oh Mike.” Donna whispered.

”But that’s not going to happen. Harvey, I got all the information we need. The test results are being delivered by the labs own delivery service. It will get here in about two hours.”

Harvey nodded. “And Dr. Jansson will be here and receive them around 7:30. That’s when she gets in tomorrow morning, but her assistant gets here around 7 so we have to make the switch before that.”

“We should do it tonight then.” Donna answered. “I know the nurse that works in the workstation that receives the test results, I talked to her earlier it shouldn’t be a problem with getting her distracted.”

“Alright Donna, but we have a problem. We have nothing to exchange the document with. I didn’t have time to…”

“I have taken care of that.” Donna opened her purse now and fished out a file. She handed it to Harvey. When he opened it he was met with a document with Mike’s name on it. He looked up at her in surprise.

“How did you know…?”

“Do you even have to ask?”

Harvey smiled and shook his head. “Thank you.” He said instead. She was amazing. He told her so.

They waited together next to Mike after that. Mike kept sleeping, something Harvey was grateful for. He needed it.

Harvey felt nervous. So much was at stake. Mike’s life basically. It was so important that they got this right and that nobody would find out that they were doing. Time crept by. There were no change from Mike during the two hours they waited. Harvey and Donna spoke some to come up with a plan on how to execute the switch of documents. It wasn’t overly complicated. All they had to do was get into the room where the results were kept and then find the right file and take out the right paper and replace it with Donna’s fake one. It was easy. What he worried most about now was that the replacement paper would be too different from the original, but he had to trust Donna on this. He didn’t know how she had pulled it off, his own efforts hadn’t been needed.

“It’s time Harvey.” Donna suddenly whispered. “The results has to be there by now.”

Harvey swallowed hard and nodded glancing at Mike. Still asleep. Harvey leaned forward and pressed the alarm button. He wasn’t going to leave Mike alone. A nurse showed up two minutes later and agreed to stay with Mike until they got back.

“We won’t be long.” Harvey promised her. Hopefully Mike would stay asleep until they got back. He would be destroyed if he woke up and was alone.

Donna led the way through the corridors. Three floors down they found what they were looking for. She stopped and pointed towards a small desk in front of a glass room with multiple shelves inside of it. A nurse was at a computer by the desk. While they were watching she stood up, went into the room with some papers and got back outside to the desk.

“We need to get her away from there.” Harvey whispered.

“Leave that to me.” Donna said. “I can give you ten minutes. That should be enough.”

Harvey didn’t have time for anything else than nodding before Donna started walking quickly towards the nurse.

“I’m so sorry but I need your help.” She load my said in an almost hysterical voice. Harvey couldn’t help but smirk a bit when she even swayed a bit. Two minutes later they walked away together and Harvey looked sound before hurrying inside the glass room. Thankfully the door was unlocked.

The shelves had different names on them that must be different wards or doctors at the hospital. He searched for Dr. Jansson’s name but couldn’t find it. Damn it! Why wasn’t it there? What should he do? A glance at his watch told him he had eight minutes left. He could at least leave out all the shelf’s that had other doctor’s names. He started looking closer on the shelf’s names for different departments at the hospital. And there! Oncology. There were about ten different shelves for that and Harvey started going through them all. Another glance at his watch a few shelves in told him that he had six more minutes. He was starting to sweat. Where the hell was it?

His heart jumped in his chest and his pulse increased as he finally found what he was looking for, a file with Mike’s name on it.

He opened it and saw that it contained three sheets of paper. Worry started to rise in Harvey, the file he had received from Donna only held one. He moved to an empty shelf nearby and laid out all the papers. He quickly scan through the text until his eyes caught what he had been looking for. Those damn values. They read 6,2. Dr. Jansson had told him that Mike’s values needed to be bellow five. This would mean that Mike wouldn’t be able to take part in the trial.

Harvey brought out the page he had gotten from Donna. To his relief it looked almost exactly like the real page. The main difference being the number which read 4,6 on the page from Donna. It was bellow five. It was the only thing that mattered. Harvey quickly put Donna’s copy in with the rest, folded the real one and placed it in his pocket. He then put back the file where he found it with two minutes to spare. He had just closed the door behind him when he heard Donna’s voice.

“So you are sure that there is nothing to worry about then?” She said loudly. Harvey quickly snuck behind a corner just as Donna and the nurse came into view.

“No I can assure you that it’s fine.”

Harvey stepped out from where he was hiding.

“Donna there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“You see?” Donna said to the nurse and she looked a Harvey before nodding.

Harvey looked suspiciously between them.

“What…” he started to say, but Donna took him by the arm, thanked the nurse and started dragging him away.

“What did you tell her?” Harvey asked as soon as they were clear.

“It none of your concern.” Donna smiled and let go of him.

Harvey laughed. “Fine.”

“Is it done?” She asked. “Did you make the switch?”

“It’s done.” Harvey confirmed.

“How did you pull that off Donna?” He asked as they walked down the corridor. “They were almost identical.”

“I did what was necessary Harvey.” She just said.

“You did. Thank you. I would never been able to do it without you.”

“I did it for Mike, Harvey. You are right. This might give him a chance.”

Harvey just nodded.

Mike was thankfully still asleep when they got back to his room. Harvey knew he would’ve taken it hard if he had woken up alone. For now things were under control. They had pulled it off. And as long as no one took a closer look or redid the tests Mike would be able to take part in the trial. He suddenly felt exhausted and a bit jealous at Mike. He wished he could sleep for as long as he wanted too.

Mike was woken up two hours later for a checkup. He was pale and quiet. He wouldn’t meet Harvey’s eyes, but smiled a bit at Donna. She stoked his cheek and quietly spoke to him until he fell asleep again. She was sweet with Mike and Harvey was content with just sitting on the small cot that acted as his bed and watch them. They took well care of Mike, him and Donna. He thought the kid was in good hands. And it was possible that they just had given Mike a second chance.

Harvey woke up that night from quiet voices. A nurse and one of the night doctors were standing next to Mike’s bed talking to him. Mike looked like he was ignoring them. He didn’t react as they spoke to him. Harvey got up and asked what was going around on.

“These are against pain and nausea. But Mike doesn’t seem interested in taking them.” The nurse explained, holding a small container with pills.

“Mike, just take them.” Harvey said leaning over Mike to catch his attention. Mike looked away from him.

“Mike.” Harvey shook his shoulder a bit. Mike looked at him then with indifference.

“Take the pills.” Harvey repeated.

Mike glanced towards them. “What’s the point?” He asked.

Harvey closed his eyes for a moment. Damn it. He understood why Mike was like this, but he hated seeing it. He wanted Mike to snap out of it.

“You do not get to do this. You are going to take the damn pills because I’m telling you to.”

Mike looked at him now. His mouth open and Harvey saw how his lip quivered.

“Okay.” He said then. Harvey nodded to the nurse who stepped forward and Harvey watched as Mike swallowed the pills and got helped to lay down again.

Harvey sat down next to him when the hospital staff had left. Mike didn’t say anything. Harvey watched him. Mike then slowly turned his head away. Harvey wouldn’t have it though.

“You don’t get to do this either, you know.” He leaned forward and grabbed Mike’s hand. “Everything is going to be okay. I’m here and I got your back. Know that Mike.”

The only reply he got from Mike was a light squeeze of his hand. The younger man had his eyes closed and didn’t say anything else that night. Harvey waited until he was sure Mike was sleeping again before heading back to his own bed.

He was sure Mike would feel better in the morning.

_-SUITS-_

Immediately when Mike woke up the next morning he wished he hadn’t. Today was the day when they would tell him for sure that he was going to die. No one would tell him that of course, they would just say that they were sorry but his values wasn’t good enough. In fact he wasn’t even sure what kind of values it was. That was a bit strange that he didn’t know that. All he knew was that they couldn’t be bellow five. He probably should have asked what it was about at some point. It didn’t matter now.

A doctor was there and listened to his heart and had him breathe in and out, checked his blood pressure and asked him questions. He wasn’t in a great deal of pain, it was manageable, and no he didn’t want any extra pain killers.

He felt so empty now. He felt lost. He didn’t know what to say or do. In fact he didn’t want to say or do anything at all. What was the point, really? He just felt so tired.

Harvey was there of course and was doing his best in engaging Mike in conversation. He wasn’t interested at all. Why couldn’t Harvey get that? He wasn’t interested in hearing Harvey saying that it wasn’t over yet, because it was.

He had never had a chance anyway. Nobody survived cancer to the heart. Certainly not him. Why would he when nobody else did? But Harvey didn’t see it apparently. The older man was really supportive though, Mike had to give him that. Harvey made him feel better. Last night he had fallen asleep with his hand in Harvey’s. It had felt good, knowing that Harvey was there with him. To have the reminder of not being alone even when he closed his eyes.

Harvey really kept him from losing it. But nothing could save him now. It was going to end.

“Excuse me? Are we interrupting?”

Mike looked up and saw that Dr. Jansson and her colleague Emil Jarl was standing in the doorway. They both held a few files in their hands. Mike noticed that Harvey sat up straighter on the other side of him.

“No, come on in.” Harvey said.

“How are you doing Mike?” She shook his hand. Mike just shrugged.

“Well, we wanted to talk to you about the trial. We have gotten all the results now. Can we sit down?”

“Go ahead.” Harvey said.

“Mike, yesterday I told you that there was a high possibility that you wouldn’t be able to take part in our trial, but it turns out that my assumptions were wrong. I thought that your values wouldn’t surpass our threshold of 5. But you got 4,6 which means that with the rest of the results satisfying as well, we are prepared to offer you the opportunity to take part.”

She stopped talking and looked expectantly at Mike. He stared at her while his brain tried to process what she just had told him.

“Are you serious? That’s great news!” Harvey exclaimed next to him standing up and then he punched Mike’s arm. “Mike! You are in!”

Mike looked up at him in disbelief. Harvey was smiling with his whole face.

“What?” Mike said.

“You are approved to take part in the trial.” Emil Jarl said helpfully next to him and Mike stared at him for a while. He couldn’t really take in what they were saying. He was in?

“But, what about…? You said that my values wasn’t good enough.”

“Yes, I know it’s a bit strange actually. I really thought you would get a higher number. But this is great news Mike.” Dr. Jansson said.

“Yeah…”

“This must come as a shock to you. I understand if you would like a moment to process this.”

Mike nodded. “I think so.” He got out.

“How about we will come back after lunch and we will discuss the next step. But I take it that you would like to participate?”

“Yes, he wants to participate.” Harvey said when Mike was too slow.

“Mike?”

Mike nodded. “Yes.”

“We’ll see you soon then.”

And with that they left again and Mike was alone with Harvey.

“I told you Mike!” Harvey exclaimed. “I told you it wasn’t over.”

Mike looked up at him and as he did his brain kicked into gear.

“You did.” He said slowly. “You said that you would fix it. Harvey…?”

“I did say that.” Harvey sat down again. He still looked happy.

“She said yesterday that my values wouldn’t be good enough, and now they are. And you said that you would fix it. Harvey did you have something to do with this?”

They locked eyes and Mike could just tell. Harvey remained silent for a long time as if he searched for something in Mike’s eyes. A way to tell how much Mike suspected. Mike just waited.

Eventually Harvey nodded.

“Do you honestly think that I would do nothing?” He asked forcefully.

Mike was quiet while he tried to process it all. This was Harvey’s doing!

“That’s why you didn’t tell me about it.” He stated slowly.

“Yes.”

“Oh god Harvey. I can’t believe it.”

“Mike…”

“You can get into real trouble because of this. What if someone finds out?”

“I don’t care. You are in now.”

“But if I get in on the expense of you getting into trouble…”

Harvey interrupted him.

“How about we take this as a win instead, Mike? I would like to do that.”

“Okay.” Mike agreed after a moment. He leaned back on his pillow and closed his eyes for a bit.

He couldn’t believe that this was happening. He was in the trial! He was in. It was probably just his imagination, but he somehow already felt better than yesterday, physically. Of course, yesterday he had been certain that he was going to die sometime during the next few weeks. That tended to bring you down a bit. That was all changed now. He had a shot at surviving. And it was all because of Harvey.

“How did you even do it?” He asked as he opened his eyes again. Harvey was patiently waiting for him.

“I had some help.” He said.

“Donna?”

Harvey just shrugged a bit. Of course it was Donna. Mike couldn’t help but smile now. Harvey was smiling as well, but he was pressing his lips together while doing it. He then blinked pretty rapidly and Mike was sure that he could see some moisture in Harvey’s eyes.

“Thank you.” He got out.

Harvey shook his head. “I can’t lose you.” He whispered.

Mike reached out for him then. He got hold of Harvey’s forearm and held on to it.

“You won’t. Not now. You won’t Harvey.”

Harvey just nodded and patted his hand a bit.

_-SUITS-_


End file.
